#I really dont want to go to school tomorrow. idk how im supposed to study for my test like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fairycosmos · 5 years

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+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing. it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually.

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process.

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time.

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #anon #long post #chloe makes no sense for 80 paragraphs straight part 2000 #this isn't how i wanted to say this but i hope the sentiment gets thru #is there any way to prevent people that dont want to see anons from seeing them ???

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

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surveys 053.

do you sing in the shower? oh every single time. Its something I look forward to.

do you think money makes people happy? As someone who currently relies on birthdays and holidays as her income, I can tell you it would relieve a bit of stress from me to even have like 100 bucks a month.

what's your relationship status? single.

what time is it? 12:25 am

what emotion are you feeling right now? I’m all over the place. Tonight Kile and I were messaging back n forth in a consistent manner which we haven’t done in a long time. Things were a bit romantic, which was extremely hard for me to deny participation in, and then it ended with me saying bye. boy it is hard to let go of him

do you have netflix? I do.

have you ever traveled outside your home country? no. Sadly, without a shot I will not be getting, I’m unsure of how I’ll be able to until the restrictions lessen.

coffee or tea? teeeeeeea pls.

shower or bath? Shower unless the bath is deep enough to cover my long self.

what's your favorite pizza topping? depends on what kind of pizza. For instance, Jacks just GETS how to do supreme. some places nail the pepperoni, or fresh garlic or whatever.

what's something that makes you happy? thinking about decorating my own place one day.

do you have siblings or are you an only child? I have 2 brothers and 1 sister

what's your favorite instrument? Piano, cello, drums

what's your favorite food? today it is fruity pebbles.

what is something you are always losing? I am pretty consistent on things going back to their original spot. I suppose if I’m losing something maybe it’d be like a scrunchie.

are you good at spelling? a good amount of the time.

what is one goal you have? all my goals are shifting.

did you get a flu shot this year? Nooo. never have.

what's your favorite Disney movie? oh boy. i am not good with narrowing down those. are you bored? Not really, I’m just trying to keep my mind occupied until I’m sleepy.

what are you listening to? serendipity, bennys tail hitting my pillow, and my fans.

what's your favorite foreign language? I think it depends. are we talking for the way it sounds? or one that I’d want to learn?

what do you do when you can't sleep? this, read, find quotes, do puzzles, stare at the ceiling.

do you like cats or dogs better? this is one of my very least favorite questions to be asked. why would anyone want to choose between the two? both are so great.

do you have any piercings? Just my ears

what's your favorite vegetable? Potatoes

do you eat meat? Yeah.

what's your favorite season? any of them minus summer. Honestly, probably winter.

do you still write letters? I love to, but I no longer have anyone to write to.

what would make you really happy right now? i think a distraction that comes from having a crush.

what's your favorite song? ooo this changes but right now i’m into a lot of blue october.

are you good at giving advice? so, I’m the person you go to for advice if you want the moral, behaved, “you won’t regret this later” type advice. I’m great at giving that.

what's your favorite hobby? Right now, this.

do you prefer to talk or text? That is going to depend on the person. almost always text. But some people.. their voice is just intoxicating.

what's your favorite pair of shoes? I’m going to have to trash all my shoes for ones with heel support.

how often do you read? (as in books) usually daily, but I’ve fallen out of that lately.

do you have any pets? I have 2 cats currently. I really want a golden retriever, but hey.

what's your favorite day of the week? they’re all similar at the moment, but probably saturdays

are you in college? I’m in the inbetween. Finished 2 bachelors, but am waiting for grad program

are you/have you ever been in a long distance relationship? I have been,

how do you typically listen to music? I use Spotify. either thru my headphones, my bluetooth speaker, the kitchen google, or my phone.

do you like going to the beach? I do so long as I have shade or the water is good to swim in.

did you make any new year's resolutions? I think pandemic NY resolutions were all about survival thru mentally exhausting times.

how old are you? 29 yrs young

do you know anyone who is blind? I do

who is someone you admire? My mom

do you have a good singing voice? when I was a kiddo, preteen, and teen yes. not any longer.

are your nails painted? Nope. I just wanted a break from keeping up with them.

Are you an extrovert or introvert? I’m an introvert but I can behave very well with the extroverts.

what are you having/had for dinner tonight? I had some tacos.

do you ever write in a journal? I would like to begin again, but this is a decent makeshift option

if you could time travel when/where would you go? I mean I’d love to go back to some great memories, but I worry that could be painful beyond repair.

what's your favorite animal? whales.

what's your favorite kind of cereal? honestly my cravings for cereal are for any kinds that I can no longer have. so dont ask.

how was your day? I’m only 44 minutes into it.

do you ever listen to classical music? I do. Clair de lune is one of the best

what inspires you? learning. learning always inspires me.

how many pillows do you sleep with? I have like 20. OK huge exaggeration. I believe the true number of sleeping pillows is 4 large, 1 mini.

how many hours of sleep do you need? I typically run off of about 3. I’ve had sleep studies done regarding that. But If I’m getting good oxygen and the temp is coooooooold I sleep so good.

do you have big or small feet? I have pretty average to slightly bigger.

what's the weather like where you are? It’s been in the upper 80s.

what's the most interesting thing you can see out the window? just the reflection from my TV. it’s real dark out.

does/did your high school have a school song? no.

what month is your birthday in? July.

what's your dream job? the brain.

are you excited for summer? I’ve had a lovely summer, truly.

what foreign country would you want to live in for 6 months? switzerland.

did you have to go to school today? No, no I have not.

win a million $$ or never have to pay for anything again? Never have to pay for anything. Why would that even be a question. do you throw coins into fountains? when I was a kiddo

do you have a trampoline? Nope

what's your favorite song lyric? what if we could put our lives on hold and meet somewhere inside of the world, I would meet you... would you meet me?

what did you eat the last time you went to the movies? Ill be honest IDK if we even got food.

do you ever measure time in songs? only if I’m in the shower. I’ll be like ahhh I’m 4 songs in.

do you know how to play chess? I’ve been taught MULTIPLE times. have I retained any of them? na.

what's your favorite game? (any type) right now I’m digging skipbo, trionomos, rummykub, and trouble.

do you enjoy traveling? I love it. so much.

do you tend to wait till the last minute? nope. I’m almost always 2 weeks prior

have you ever owned a goldfish? Yep!

how do you relieve stress? go on a drive.

without looking it up, guess the outside temperature? I’d guess maybe 70. lemme see how close I am. 68!

now look it up - how close were you? woops. 68! two off.

do you prefer digital or analog clocks/watches? Digi.

do you prefer to shop in stores or online? I almost always prefer online, but in store has its own perks like seeing the quality of things.

do you enjoy coloring? oh heck’n yea do you like to dance? I do!

have you ever owned a horse? my family did, yes

do you take selfies? oh i do. MUCH less now, than I did before. before I used to send kile like 10 a day. now I might take 2 per week.

do you ever listen to music in languages besides English? Not often, but on occasion

have you ever cried from listening to a song? absolutely.

do you prefer headphones or earbuds? so I appreciate how headphones are safer for the ears, but i typically wear earbuds.

can you speak Spanish? Very little. like a few words

what's the last thing you watched on youtube froggy freshhhhhhhhh dunked on now what time is it? 12:57. Im getting sleepy. --------- ok now it’s 859 am. I passed out last night.

do you ever watch musicals? sometimes. it’s not my favorite thing

do you know anyone who's a twin? Yeppp

do you ever get carsick? oh heck yeah, i do love the windows open

what's your opinion on wolves? I really never had an opinion. check back.

when you're sad do you prefer sad music or happy music? sad. indulge me

do you like seafood? Nooo. i wish

do you enjoy going to the zoo? no. i really dont. are there any celebrities from your hometown? uhhhh not that I know of

do you shower in the morning or at night? morning if I was great hair. If I want meh hair, night

do you prefer to work alone or in a group? Alone. ALWAYS.

do you go to the gym alone or with a friend? I don’t go to the gym. < problem solved.

do you like coconut? I like the scent but not the food. <<< SAME who is someone you're jealous of? JV for her abs

what's your favorite place to go out for breakfast? eggheadz

do you still have your christmas tree up? nah. its a tickle early (july)

do you have a favorite type of bird? cardinal.

have you ever had an overnight flight anywhere? yup. plenty of times.

if you use them, tell me 5 of your recently used emojis heart eyes, disappointed looking off to the side, sad face with eyes closed, hearts all over the face, and rolling eyes.

do you know anyone that plays the violin? yep.

how much money is in your wallet right now? I would need to count

anything you're looking forward to tomorrow? having been done with packing lol

have you ever auditioned for anything? yeah I used to do auditions all the time for plays I was in.

did you have a webkinz when you were younger? No.

how would you describe your aesthetic? airy, comfy, inviting, warm

have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? yeah a couple times but its like not even a tiny bit close.

when was the last time you rode a bus? i have never.

if you saw $50 on the ground what would you do? is there a wallet attached?

do you know how to play any unusual instruments? yeah. don’t ask me. I’m not pleased about it.

are you an early bird or a night owl? kind of both.

have you ever had trouble understanding someone because of an accent? oh yes. But the more time you spend talking to those individuals who have accents stronger than what you’re used to, become very easy to understand over time.

do you ever go to Massachusetts? I’ve never been but I’d love to go.

do you personally know anyone who is transgender? yeah a few people I’ve met through school.

do you remember anything from when you were 5 or younger? yeah a few very small memories.

do you need to do laundry? yes I desperately need to pack and I’m waiting on the laundry for that to happen.

do you know anyone (including yourself) who actually enjoys math? NOT ME. not even close to me. Kile seemed to like it.

do you have a favorite poem? the one written for meeeeee

if you were from somewhere else, would you visit your town on vacation? I don’t think i’d think of it, it’s not near anything specific.

where would you spend $100 if you had to spend it all in one store? amazon.

would you rather go to Japan or Greece? Greece.

now what song are you listening to? Gilmore girls, text notifications, fans

what are you wearing right now? shorts and a blue teeshirt. Bout to just be in a short shorts so I can tan.

any fun plans for the weekend? travelingggggg.

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pajnloki · 3 years

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8 // One year

Uhm hi.

Has it been a year already, lol? I know, little me. I have been neglecting this blog for quite some time now and honestly I knew that. I just didn’t want to face reality.. my reality by writing things down: my problems, regrets, insecurities all of them. It felt disgusting just aknowledging them so I avoided confrontation. But hey, in my defense, covid has been going on the whole year and 2020 was a big fat mess. So many things happened, changed, escalated and barely had the time and energy and strength to face all those problems and changes.

2020 was gonna be THE year, i said. So many times. Trying to tell myself that there’s no need to be scared. No need to back down, because everyone goes through high school graduation, university, adulthood. It’s completely normal to panic a bit because in the end you’re gonna manage. You’re capable of so many great things. I told myself, or rather lied to myself? I don’t even know at this point. 2020 was memorable. Yes. But in a good way? aboslutely not! :’) And just a short disclaimer. I know how damn serious the virus is, but let me just rant about my life for once, because it’s hard on me, too.

Schools just suddenly closed down 2 weeks before my graduation. My friends and my whole grade in general did not get to experience the legendary “last week” where we’d prank the whole school. Everyone before us did, though. Pretty unfair. I mean we went to school for so many years and that was gonna be our HIGHLIGHT! Marking our GRADUATION. Making epic MEMORIES. Well, fuck that, I guess. Didn’t happen! :D Instead, we got 1 month quarantine where we had to study for finals. For unsure finals. For “we don’t know if you have to take exam yet” - finals. But we had to study, study for finals that may not even happen. That were some horrible ass weeks of studying, crying, panicking, stressing out, questioning myself, more crying and a lot of anime, lmao. And then it was May and I took my exams and I did pretty okay-ish. It wasn’t the best I could’ve done but I mean, considering the situation back then and how lazy I really am, it was okay. At least, for me... kind of? Honestly speaking, I knew it was bad. My grades used to be GREAT but now they were just good but for my parents that meant failed. And did they not hide their disappointed in that, no. They actually went ahead and told me in my face how absolute horrible my finale grades were and that theyre absolutely not satisfied with them. Thanks, mom. It’s not like I didn’t know that. Sorry for not being able to go into Med school like U wished. But it was hard on me, too. Comparing myself to my friends who despite this damn situation still managed to get the perfect score in every damn subject. Am I even allowed to use the pandemic as an excuse or is it really just me who sucks at everything. It’s not like not being able to go outside without mask and 1.5m social distancing was helping me in any way. It’s not like the constans pressure of my parents wasn’t enough. If not Med School, then Law, they said. And funny enough, I could’ve gone there but then suddenly remembered how I applied to Psych School in December 2019, whoops. Why, you ask? Because my mom already pressured me into looking up universities in goddamn 2019 and so I went ahead and applied to a school in aneighboring country, because going as far as possible was basically the aim. Psych was never my dream, I mean yeah, it’s super interesting (and spoiler: I am enjoying studying it a lot.) but I never actually considered a profession in that area. Not because I didn’t see myself there, but I didn’t see myself ANYWHERE at all. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no passions, goals or dreams. Sounds sad, but the Internet assured me, I wasn’t only one so thumbs up to us guys. Anyway, so I applied to that University and in the middle of finals I got accepted, suprisingly! Didn’t expect that and for sure didn’t remember that LMAO. I told my parents and they were not pleased. My dad couldn’t understand why I wanted to study Psychology ??? The fuck u wanna do with that, he asked. And I didn’t know what to answer, because hell no, I don’t know, bro. I just applied to move out from home. Fun fact: my household is not that toxic, just stereotypical asian strict parents who love the idea of med school a little too much. But I still went there, even if they disagreed but I mean they cannot change the fact that my grades weren’t good enough for med school, and even if could’ve gone to Law school, I DECLINED. 100% sure I’m not made to defend anyone in court. Probably woulda start crying or something..

And so I graduated, had a weird graduation ceremony in our P.E hall (?? idek lmao) and went to university 2 months later in september. Funny story. LMAO. Seriously, things happened in such a fast pace that I wasn’t able to properly accept the fact that I am no longer a high school student, and just started my new path?!?!?!?! Wtf?? stop!? Months and Months went by and I was emersed in studying and exams and deadlines. And all of that online. Via Zoom. Great. Nice University student life. No parties, no real life lectures, no making friends in the cafeteria or any sort of actual experiences like those. Great. Second lockdown, and third lockdown - oh there’s a vaccine! Yey! Oh no, wait. There are mutation of the virus. Not great. :’) And that my friends was 2020. The year I turned 18. What a wonderful start into adulthood <3

And now, it’s already 2021. And tomorrow I turn 19. And im fucking scared. And sad. 1. Scared because I don’t wanna age and become old and knowing i havent accomplished one single thing in life and instead rather than turning 19 i turned into a failure and 2. Sad because I’m 18, do not have a drivers license, never went clubbing for adults, graduated in the most disgusting and sad way possible (and most unmemorable way i dont even wanna think about that musty gymnasiums hall lmao) and pretty much did nothing cool in my 18th life and thats just how my young adult life’s gonna be! :DDD nice guys.

Ok, this sounds pretty depressive and petty and sad and lowkey annoying but idk how i am supposed to sugarcoat that.... if i find a way, i’ll come back but until then, stay safe

#pajnapple8

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warmau · 7 years

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{Special College!AU} Ten

{tw: drinking mention}

major: modern dance

minor: spanish

sports: focuses solely on dance performance and auditions

clubs: is part of the uni radio show that reviews new music and is on at like 2 am but ten loves it so much and he basically makes johnny promise to stay up and listen so he can tell ten if he did well but johnny falls asleep and ten is like what are you even good for. thankfully taeyong loves to support his friends so he stayed up and he thinks ten did really well :-)

there is nothing more in the world ten loves than the stage

dancing on it, singing on it, just performing on it,,,,,,it’s everything to him

people like to assume it’s because there’s an audience, that ten likes to flaunt and show off

but in reality,,,,it’s just the surge of sharing what he loves and works so hard for with the world that makes him so excited

and yes,,,it’s easy to fall for ten’s charming socialite personality, but when it comes to dance - it’s more than that. when he’s dancing, he’s really - truly the person he wants to be

which is why modern dance feels so right to him,,, it’s so complex and vibrant and striking - much like what he is like as a person

and although he’s had fun growing up and doing everything from ballroom, to latin, to ballet ,,,,,,,, something about learning a style that let’s you explore and be as free as modern dance clicks for him

so whenever jaehyun comes to watch a performance and sheepishly admits that some of it,,,he just doesn’t get,,,,ten always perks up and is like “that’s fine!!!! it’s just supposed to make you FEEL”

johnny: cool, i FEEL hungry let’s go get foo-

taeyeong: jonathon don’t say that, ten honey i thought everything was very beautiful

doyoung: how do you bend your arm like that. is your arm broken?

sometimes, just to be cheeky, ten tries to teach his friends some of the moves that he 100% knows they can’t pull off

but sicheng always freaking gets it on the first try and ten is like dude why aren’t you a dance major and sicheng just shrugs, in that totally dazed out way about him

and ten is just like clasping his fist like,,,sicheng you could be world famous i dONT GEt IT

sicheng: idk, im gonna go take a nap now

ten took spanish as his minor because he really likes learning languages, and much to everyone’s shock, he’s actually decent

it has nothing to do with the fact that for a class there was an exchange teacher from spain who danced in ways ten didn’t even think were imaginable???

and well,,,,let’s just say someone had a tiny crush

(and totally learned the phrase ‘i respect you’ in spanish just to be able to say it through half tears when that teacher had to leave)

but no really, a lot of dance comes from spanish-speaking cultures and ten is honestly so excited about it,,,

even though it isn’t his main discipline when he watches people do flamenco or paso doble he literally thinks it’s the coolest and he’s probably got a bookmark folder on his laptop for every kind of dance and his fav youtube videos of it

as much of social butterfly as it is,,,,ten is nerdy when it comes to his passion

like if there are biography's of dancers, instructional manuals on posture, and films on genres of dance - best believe ten has seen/read it all

people brush dance off as an easy major, but it’s an art

and all types of art have history,,,, that ten just really rEALLY loves to indulge in

totally splurges on cute practice clothing

neon headbands anyone,,,,,,,,,,,,,,he’d look cute ok

actually there’s a ballet technique class all modern dance majors have to take and ten had remembered looking at the prices of really good ballet shoes and just being like,,,,,,oh god

tried to get a job at a bakery outside of campus,,,,which went well and people actually started showing up more just to like,,,

see ten???????

because he’s so sweet and talkative,,,,, the manager was loving it

but it was cutting into his practice time so ten had to leave,,,,,but believe me everyone who worked there totally got his # and followed his instagram like im telling you right now ten is everyone’s best friend

hangs out with seungcheol, the kinesiology major who he met while stretching at the gym

knows hyungwon, the linguistics major who gave him tips on studying another language

regularly invited to mark and jackson’s parties

modeled for art history major hongbin in his painting class

him and jin sometimes host the campus radio show together

he’s just,,,,, he’s just always someones friends and there for people and the center of attention - even when he isn’t even trying

he just shines bright because he’s always trying to be positive

even if he’s just busted his butt practicing for five hours, is wearing the SWEATIEST pair of leggings, and is running on iced coffee only

oh, big thing about him: as a broke college student he thinks he can survive on super high levels of sugar

eats essentially the following: chocolate, ice-cream, sugary coffee, soda

taeyong is so worried he’s going to die

you and ten are acquaintances, how you ask?

you and ten frequent college parties,,,,well like,,,,who doesn’t??? but here’s the thing about college parties: the drinks are all beer

and ten doesn’t like beer,,,,,,,,

so when people expect him to be tipsy, singing along to shinee’s ringdingdong, they only get one of the two. it’s the singing

now, don’t get me wrong - if there’s wine? champagne? fruity cocktails?????? ten is all done for it

and ends up with his shirt on backwards and a fake tattoo of a dragon on his cheek

but that’s only out in the city, the occasional meetup with friends for dinner

college parties,,,,,,,that’s johnny’s turf,,,,,,he’s the Beer boy

which makes ten - part of the sober patrol

you,,,,are also in the same boat. your friends are all fans of beer pong, keg stands, etc. and you just don’t have the taste for beer

that or maybe you just know you’re the last to get too wild and someone has to make sure everyone gets home safe

so you and ten have gotten used to doing the rounds. johnny teasingly refers to ten as the designated driver even tho ten’s never driving - he’s just dragging johnny out by the collar

your friends tease you just the same, affectionately calling you the parental figure when they’ve got their heads in the clouds

and on one or more occasions you and ten have found yourself out on the lawn near the dorms or standing above your giggling friends on the sidewalk curb

handing out water bottles (or pouring them ontop) to your friends, telling them that tomorrow there’s class - there’s work they gotta get their butts up and in bed

the most common place scene is ten with johnny, doyoung, and surprisingly taeil all slumped over one and other. ten shaking his head and going “who has a test tomorrow? all three of you? jesus-”

you find yourself right beside him, your own group of friends groaning and asking you to get them something for the headaches

ten and you share the same sigh, the same crossing your arms and going “why did you drink on a tuesday night” speeches

until it’s happened so many times that you see each other at the same party

and ten jokingly grins and goes “what’s up sober patrol”

and you’re like “not much, designated driver”

more than anything, it’s just silly banter between each other

you’re honestly surprised by the fact that ten manages to still be so energetic and magnetizing without participating in drinking

like he’ll still get up on tables and dance, he’ll still tell great jokes and be every bit as comfortable

even when people hand him cups, he passes them along and doesn’t let anything bother him from just having a good time

and still being able to take care of his friends when it’s over

one night, as your group of friends manages to not get TOO wild and you’re leaving with none of them leaning on you for support

you spot ten, crouched down in front of a well known senior

as you look closer you realize he’s the one everyone knows ,,,,, he’s the schools top dancer - accepted into a major company with a whole track list of performances

he’s slumped against the wall, rubbing his temples and ten seems to be trying to offer him water

which the older boy sluggishly takes from his hand and you walk over, asking if ten needs help

at first he just smiles and tells you it’s nothing,,,but the guy up close is obviously bigger - with broad shoulders and long legs

if ten tries to hoist him up,,,you know he’ll never be bale to do it by himself

so you go “i can help, really”

with a LOT of struggle you get the dude up, he leans most of his body weight on ten which doesn’t seem to bother ten as much as you guessed

although dancers are lean, you know they’re also toned

but you swat the image of ten’s muscular upper arms and legs from your mind and try to bare you brunt of the guys weight

by the grace of who knows what you get to the dorms, the guy’s bunk is on the top so you and ten watch in horror as he tries to barell his way up the stairs

at some point he tilts back and you and ten think he’s going to fall over

once he’s safely in bed, feet hanging off, ten throws a blanket up ontop

where it lands -- it doesn’t matter

ten just tells you that you’d two better get out of there before the floor RA does rounds

you both find yourselves, sweaty and tired, out on the campus grounds at 4 in the damn morning

and you think,,,,really being the sober friends isn’t worth it either - you have class at

and just when you’re sure ten’s going to tell you he’s gotta split he motions to the main dance building and goes

“i know a good place for some snacks and since it’s basically morning, wanna get an early breakfast?”

you’re shocked one; at the proposition to share breakfast with him but also two; tht he doesn’t want to go get a quick nap instead

either way it’s free food - but what’s more important is it’s ten,,,,,

and ever since you both started this whole weird in between of strangers-with-tipsy-friends thing going on,,,you’ve wanted to more about him

like seriously all you had so far was cute, dances,,,,,,,caring,,,,Cute

so with a small nod, you follow ten curiously into the building

the doors aren’t locked - ten explains that late night practice groups usually always forget to lock the door

you two end up in the kitchen of the teacher’s lounge and out of the mini-fridge ten pulls out two yogurts. handing one to you he opens a couple drawers and throws you an energy bar

“isn’t this,,,looting?”

ten shakes his head with a laugh “it’s not the teachers food, it’s snacks for students. people raid this place all the time.”

you feel a small tinge of guilt, but hey he’s the dance major here

so you unwrap the energy bar to take a bite

“i know the coffee machine works, but there’s only hazelnut flavor?”

you shrug and go that’s fine

ten grins and disappears toward the back of the kitchen

you look around, the desks are covered in pamphlets for different performances, there’s a stack of books on the history of different dance styles

someone’s got photos of alumni in elaborate, beautiful costumes tapped to their wall

and there are countless racks of CD’s, tangled wires from stereos, and what you assume are recordings of past choreography’s

it doesn’t look anything like any other departments office, but at the same time you see just how much the people who work there must love dance

when ten motions for you to come with him you can’t help but wonder,,,,where does that passion for this come from

getting the door open with his foot, ten uses his elbow to flick the lights of one of the studios on

the entire room is pretty empty - the mirrors go from the floor to the ceiling

and there’s only a computer in the corner on a standing desk which you assume is for music

setting your drinks and coffee down on the floor he jokes that you can’t spill anything - this floor is too hard to clean

you settle in with your legs crossed, ten sorta lays on his side with his arm propped under his head

and for a while it’s silent till ten goes “we deserve a day off from the sober patrol, we should get some good wine together or something.”

you laugh, but agree “beer is gross” you state and crinkle your nose

ten nods, taking a spoonful of yogurt and going “it tastes dry - it gets stuck in my throat. i could drink anything else, but not that.”

“i think college kids like it because it’s cheap.”

ten wags a finger and goes “i know a place where there’s bottles of wine for $12. kids just don’t have class these days”

you giggle and go “do you?”

ten raises an eyebrow, “oh you don’t even know”

it’s so natural around him, you guys spend the next two hours talking about the worse parties on campus, the horrible scheduling this semester, and ten impersonates the chem teacher you both had for core

even though you’re hanging out with him for real for the first time - it feels like you’ve known each other for years

“you should give me your number, just in case we need each other for more sober patrol missions”

ten suggests, sitting up and handing you his phone

“it’s at 8%, how hot”

“just enough time to get those digits”

he winks and you laugh, rolling your eyes

but just like that you and ten are in each other’s contacts. under the very creative name ‘sober patrol buddies’ with the ambulance emoji next to it

it’s all goofy and silly but ten suddenly goes “ive seen people abandone their friends at parties, not a lot of people are loyal like us.”

you nod slowly, but it’s true - college can really bring out the worst in people. the amount of times you’ve helped out random students is pretty high

ten catches your gaze and adds “loyalty is important to me, trust is something i don’t want to lose in people you know?”

it’s the most serious thing to come out of him since you met hi

but you somehow understand why that would mean so much for him. in dance, a lot of the time you have to trust the partners you’re with. the people who train with you and help you become better

you don’t say anything, but you go that ou just want to be the kind of friend whose there for people

and you hope those people will be there for you

ten leans over, patting the top of your head and going ‘ill be there, just call your sober patrol buddy”

in that moment, you assume he’s just being silly

that he means it, but in a friendly way

you don’t know that for ten, it’s something a bit more

not until weeks have gone by since you guys hungout like that - a party or two happens and you and ten see each other again

but you don’t hang out - not until you get a random text in the evening that’s from ten and it’s the wine emoji and question mark

and you’re like “are you inviting me or are you asking me if i can hook you up?”

ten just says he’s all set, you can come over if you want

you’re surprised when you see his dorm

it’s a little cluttered, but somehow feels really genuine to ten

with fairy lights, pictures of his family on his wall, and rows of dancing shoes and duffle bags full of training wear pilled near his desk

ten pulls something out of the corner of his bed

“is that the cheap wine you told me about?”

you joke and ten goes “cheap, but not that cheap.”

you sit down at his desk and ten opens the bottle

“i thought we should have a day where the sober patrol gets to have fun”

“inside you dorm,,,,,,,,?”

ten shrugs “it’s safer than t some frat house. we can get tipsy and critique twilight if you want, or oh - my fave - truth or date ft wine”

you laugh, but agree. there’s a nervous knot in your stomach because tbh this seems kinda like a stay-in date??

but you don’t know,,,,there’s no way ten feels that way about you ,,,, right??

you watch him pour some wine into a mug with your college’s logo on it. he passes you an identical mug and pours you some

the wine is red, which you like and makes you feel warm

“ok , truth or dare?”

you spin in his desk chair and go “,,,,,,dare?”

“i dare you to prank call my friend jaehyun”

“but he’s so sweet, he doesn’t deserve it”

ten taps his chin “you’re right lets go for the real demon,,,,,,joh-taeil.”

the game goes on for a bit, you almost finish the entire bottle when you go “truth” with a small hiccup

and ten goes “have you ever thought of me romantically?”

you drop your eyes to the floor, the embarrassment burning bright on your cheeks

“hmmm?”

ten hums, sitting upright on his bed

“,,,,,,,,,yes”

truth or dare has never been 100% of a real game to you - the amount of times you’ve lied playing it is countless but something pries you this time to just do it. say the truth

ten suddenly puts a hand on your knee and pulls you a bit so the desk chair slides you closer

“im gonna ask another one, truth or dare”

you presses your hand to your lips, “truth,,”

“is that the wine talking. or do you really like me.”

“i really like you”

ten doesn’t try to hold back the grin on his face, he doesn’t even try to hold back the “oh good, i was worried for a sec”

you both sit there,,,,you shell-shocked that you said that - well, admitted that

and ten basking in the happiness of knowing you like him, he goes “you can ask me”

“truth,,,,o,,or dare”

the words come out a little nervous and ten goes “truth.”

you know he expects you to ask him back, ‘do you like me too’, but you shift a little and go

“do you want to kiss me?”

“yes”

and just like that, ten let’s you lean in and his lips are soft - the mutual taste of wine lingers on them

he gently falls back, tugging you on top of him and you feel the knot in your stomach turn into a butterfly

but as ten’s hand cups your face, you stat thinking,,,,,,what if this is just the wine talking for him - do you really wanna do this right now - when neither of you are sober

you suddenly pull back, ten confusing lifts himself on his elbows and you go

“i,,,,,i want to do this,,,,but not like this,,,,”

you say the words in an almost hushed whisper, the thoughts that flash through your head have to do with everything you’ve ever seen or read about college

where if you pull out in the middle of a hookup- the other person will be hurt, angry, distraught

and you know you completely have the right to say no if you’re not feeling it 100%,,,,,but you also don’t want ten to stop liking you-

but ten makes all that wash away

he nods, that signature smile on his lips

“i understand, wanna just cuddle and watch a movie? im telling you - twilight is better with wine”

you giggle and moves so you’re laying beside him, arms pressed against each other and you go

“i think,,,,,,,horror movie would be better?”

ten scrunches up his face and goes “sure, but im going to be hiding and holding onto you for dear life, that cool?”

you nod, and ten gets up to find his laptop

for the rest of the time, you guys stay huddled under the blanket,,,,and everything is warm and fuzzy and ten doesn’t ever take things too far

just small kisses here and there and ten going

“the sober patrol is now the sober,,,,,couple??”

you must already know who the first person is that knows you’re dating,,,,,,,,,

well actuaally johnny is the /second/

because the first is the senior you and ten dragged home, he’d actually spotted you and ten on campus after ten had walked you to class and he’d went up to both of you to thank you

but to also beg you not to tell anyone about his state that night,,,,he was even like “ill put in a word for you a t my company” to ten but you and ten were like it’s fine LOL

he’d left with a “you guys are cute together” and you had turned cherry red as ten just shone like our first compliment babe we are gonna be the POWER couple soon you just wait and see

but yeah, after that it was johnny and oh,,,,,it was special

johnny, upon hearing ten introduce you as his s/o had just got the most happy look on his face - to the point where it was a lil goofy

and pulled you two into his arms like you guys,,,,you guys,,,,,you’re my favorites ok,,,

johnny gets dramatic ok

and ten, gets just as dramatic he was like johnny i honestly feel like they make me the best version of me and we’ve been on like one date

johnny: marriage-

ten: don’t say that. but also very very low key do say that jokes jokes

the rest of ten’s friends, and by friends i mean nct, are all really happy for him. they’re also happy that someone will be there to help ten deal with their tipsy butts and you’re like oh,,,i wish my friends get in over their heads too

which leads to nct being like we should all party together then

you and ten: oh god. our worst nightmare

ten: this is mark, he’s great because he doesn’t like drinking at all

the rest of ten’s friends, the entire damn campus, is also super happy for him

a lot of people start introducing themselves to you and asking you to hangout and stuff be cause anyone that dates ten has to be an awesome person

which you’re flattered but you’re like my boyfriends a celberity,,,

he’s even friends with amber?? JACKSON WANG???

ten is the kind of boyfriend who everyone assumes is going to take you clubbing, make you do things you’ve never imagined, and basically just be wild

which,,,yeah is something you guys do

because ten knows the nightlife of the town like the back of his hand , but you know he’s a hardworking dace major

sometimes he’s just tired and wants to be lazyi n the dorm with you

and both lively ten, and cuddly ten is perfect for you

but as you find out, after an evening of drinks with friends, ten can get LOUD

and i mean loud like singing along to karaoke at high volume, asking the DJ to play sons when the DJ is literally across the room, downing shots like his liver just doesn’t exist

dunks his whole body in the pool with his clothes on and pulls you in right after him

but it’s fun, being with him is exhilirating, but can also just be so romantic and safe

because even tipsy ten is still aware of boundaries and puts communication first

honestly ,,,,,there’s a point where you two are just eskimo kissing each other in the club and johnny is like “true love,,,,,”

but im not even gonna lie does ten grind on you and pop some hot dance moves out - yeah, he does and you love it

how can you not it’s ten like???

those nights, neither of you is on sober patrol because you both end up gripping onto each other for dear life and taeyong is the one to call the uber LOL

dance majors are super studious in their studies, as you learn with ten and his spanish minor

like he never misses a chance to practice and he’ll turn to you and go from “Eres la persona más bella que he visto,,,,” to “Dios mío, ¿que pasaría si le pinto el cabello naranja a Taeyong mientras duerme?”

if you understand spanish: you’re like thank you,,,but don’t do that to taeyong

if you don’t understand you’re just like ??? babe??? translate?? babe all i got was bella and taeyong what’s happening

i feel like ten is a big petname person , but also like personalized nicknames that are inside jokes

oh- he takes a lot of pics on his phone

most of them are selfies and the amount of time you’ve had to stop in the street, sip your coffee and reply to texts while he gets the perfect angle is hilarious

but also like it’s adorable, he takes pics of you - and they’re god. like totally candid quality

but also he’s like ‘look at my new dance tights - i could do a split’ and you try not to laugh in lecture because of the pics he sends

squishes your face

likes when you squish his face

practice for him can be super long and sometimes you’ll surprise him after with dinner and you’ll sit infront of the mirror and eat while other dance majors come in and out and try to steal the snacks you got ten

and he’s like swatting at them like mine,,,they’re mine,,,the snacks and my s/o

piggy backed you to class once because you were running late and didn’t even get a chance to brush your hair

like literally just got you on his back and he was off!

when you got to class he let you down and put his cap on your head and he was like “your look is complete, and none but me gets to see your cute bedhead”

you and him totally do the couple challenges that go viral on the internet because ten is just totally that boyfriend

you’ve done each others makeup blindfolded, you’ve tried to guess each others favorite things, played pranks on one and other, and just in general been cute as hell

everyone on campus wants u two to vlog

like so bad

ten runs that radioshow and when he really really likes a song he dedicates it to you before they play it

johnny: i know your s/o is texting you because you always get that dumb goffy look on your face

ten:you always have a dumb look on your face, it’s your face

johnny: im calling the police

ten stresses out a lot about auditions and you always have to stock up on his favorite ice-cream and come over and just tell him he’s gonna do fine

one of those nights, as you’re laying beside him and ten is telling you that he’s just,,,worked so hard what if it goes to waste

you go “you’re ten, nothing can stop you.”

he’d looked over at you, eyes softening and his lips pressing against yours

and it had felt so right in the moment ,, having his arms around you and you’d remembered what ten had said to you

about mutual trust,,,and just knowing people will be there for you

and you had let your hand rest on his neck, his lips against your collar and you just felt like you had to tell him

“ten, i trust you. forever.”

something had sparked in him, having your trust gave him the confidence

and it had been perfect, with marks left on both of you and giggling shyness afterwords as you ducked under the covers and ten had to tickle you to show yourself again

also just a comment, dancer’s body. that’s all i gotta say

you and ten have less time to always be on sober patrol because now you’ve got date nights instead of parties - but don’t get me wrong you guys still go out with friends

and you and ten still nag at your friends for forgetting that they have exams tomorrow or competitions and everyone is like it’s hard to be maD at you TWO when you’re SO CUTE together And im drunk

you attend one of ten’s performances and seeing him dance, you get it. you get that he belongs there and why he tries so damn hard

why he’ll keep practicing when everyone’s gone and keep trying to learn new techniques

and you’re so freaking proud

ten asks you one time, as you’re sitting at lunch, your friends surronding you and chattering away

he asks if you think he’ll make it

you just put your hands on both his cheeks and kiss him and go “yes. don’t doubt yourself”

he grins, pulling you closer and mumbling, “Mi vida seria un desastre sin ti.”

you and ten are dating but the amount of times you’ve both had to pull johnny out of some dorm with silly string in his hair and someones number scribbled on his cheek just indicates that you’re both the parents of this overgrown child

but it’s ok,,,,,,,because in the end you and ten have something undeniable - a connection that’s gonna last forever

you just can’t believe you found each other indirectly, literally, because of something you both don’t like : beer

“we should get matching t-shirts, and i want one to say ‘if lost please return to the best person on earth’ and the other one gets the ‘im the best person on earth’ shirt”

you look up at ten from your laptop and chew your lip

“that would work, but who gets the best person on earth shirt. we’re both pretty great”

“it’s interchangeable, we switch it up depending on how we feel.”

“deal”

“i love you”

“i love you too”

#nct scenarios #nct imagines #ten scenarios #ten imagines #chittaphon scenarios #chittaphon imagines #drinking/#nct u scenarios #nct u imagines #nct #ten #chittaphon #College!AU #this one is actually based on a couple i know lmao that met because they didn't like drinking on campus it's actually cute #if this disturbs anyone in anyway - please tell me so i can properly tag

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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years

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20:27 10/01/2021 so. yes hello . i have corona looool. its not funny but it kinda is. a lot has changed since the last time i wrote and yet nothing at all has happened. its 2021 lol. its just 2020 pt 2 tho. crazy shit. i feel fine tho i dont feel ill at all. im currently looking at some art that i like and trying to find more since i wanna make a collage on my wall or something. ive always wanted a room that just feels like ME ya know. i always felt like my room didnt really show who i was because i tend to live in my head. like all of me is in my noggin instead of showing who i am through the way i dress/how my room looks/personalised things like my phone and stuff . like its never really shown what im like probably because i dont really know who i am. that feels weird to say because of course i know who i am. its a me. mario. no. lol. i really want to get into tailoring my life to ME rather than just existing ya know. like i feel as though theres no point doing anything like expressing myself because ill just end up being not bothered to finish something or ill end up not liking it so ive wasted my time. but u know what. fuck it. i wanna do thinks like that and maybe one day ill look back at when i started doing this and thank myself. thats got to be worth more than the feeling of disappointment of wasting ur time for something u dont like. coz if its not better then thats not fair. i was contemplating whether or not to actually continue this because its cringe and i dont want anyone to ever find this because i hate people knowing more about me than i let them. you only ever get to know the me i want you to. lol. i exist on my conditions. i should really put this somewhere else than on a notepad on my laptop. maybe i should create a tumblr account and upload these coz i think i could access it more privately than this. the more i think about it the better of an idea this is. i still like writing on this notepad because its familiar and allows for more expression i think . because i can make as many spelling mistakes as i want and no one can correct me. haagaHHghvsqhdbjsnbsd. anyways what was i talking about. ah yes self expression. i think ive been struggling with this because i dont like boxing myself in. and i especially hate when other people box me in . :((((((( makes me mad >:[ hehehheh anyway i have the first day of online school tomorrow ... which... yeah sucks. but i dont even know if half my teachers are actually doing it lol. i hope prelims get cancelled because i mean the exams are so why shouldnt prelims be. the thing is that i struggle with motivation so much. and its not even like "i dont want to start this massive project because it will take a lot of time and energy" its more "i cant pick up that book that is within arms reach even though i quite like the idea of reading right now and wouldnt mind getting a bit of progress done i just physically cant put my phone down and pick that up because my brain doesnt want to even though.. it does????" man am i bad at explaining. anyway i was saying that because even though i knowwww i shouldve been studying the past two weeks the only thing ive done is like.. look at some spanish and thought about things i can do in my own time to help that. but the thing is i enjoy spanish for the most part so like,,, with me enjoying the subject, wanting to learn it, and going to fking uni for it, all ive done is 20 minutes of spur of the moment writing lmao. so chemistry and maths are fked. coz i dislike chem especially. fuck that shit lol. i feel very trapped in my own head but i feel like im doing that becauese ive learned to do that for so long. its weird existing to other people especially when u didnt feel like u existed to yourself for a long time. like as though ehdjsb jhbwalkjkjbf i dont know what im saying. oh yeah the minecraft end poem almost made me cry again. im gonna read it again because i just reminded myself and im gonna come back and tell u my fave. why am i speaking to you as though u are real. like ur a person. maybe ill keep doing that. what do u think. anyway brb wait im gonna play minecarft music while i read it and maybe i can cry. "i like this player. it played well. it did not give up" "this player dreamed of sunlight and trees. of fire and water. it dreamed it created. and it dreamed it destroyed. it dreamed it hunted, and was hunted. it dreamed of shelter." "does it know we love it? that the universe is kind?" "to cure it of sorrow would destroy it. the sorrow is part of its own private task" "to tell them how to live is to prevent them living" "take a breath, now. take another. feel air in your lungs. let your limbs return. yes, move your fingers. have a body again, under gravity, in air. respawn in the long dream. there you are. your body is touching the universe again at every point, as though you were separate things. as though we were separate things" "and why does the universe touch your skin, and throw light on you? to see you, player. to know you. and to be known." "and the universe said i love you - and the universe said you have played the game well - and the universe said everything you need is within you - and the universe said you are stronger than you know - and the universe said you are the daylight - and the universe said you are the night - and the universe said the darkness you fight is within you - and the universe said the light you seek is within you - and the universe said you are not alone - and the universe said you are not sepsrate from every other thing - and the universe said you are the universe tasting itself, talking to itself, reading its own code - and the universe said i love you because you are love" *sobs* " and the player was the universe. and the player was love. you are the player. wake up." how was i supposed to be okay after reading that huh. honestly tho i live minecraft like its such a beautiful game i cant believe i used to be ashamed to admit i played it :/ . in the middle of that i created a tumblr account coz i got sidetracked but its good to know that tumblr doesnt have a character limit that im aware of. anyway i know thats a lot of quotes its like almost half of the entire poem but like. its beautiful tho. its really grounding and like validating? to hear some of that idk. the universe is actually fking mental tho lol and i love learning about it i think thats one of the reasons i did so well in physics is that is taking something so entirely complex and crazy into math and reason and logic so i can at least understand a little about the universe. i can know it back. maybe i am the universe. and really were just understanding ourselves. getting to know who we are and where we all came from. i think thats lovely since some people (inc me) dont really know who they are or what theyre supposed to be so its comforting to know that at the very least we are all made from atoms and we were all forged from the same galaxy and that we are a part of the universe, part of something important just by existing. that we dont have to be special or unique by anyone's standards because we are formed in the same way stars are, were all just a collection of atoms, arranged to make up something incredible, and the fact that we can understand that shows how remarkable we are just by existing. like thats it. we are amazing just because we exist at the same time as the universe, that we are the universe. and so yes physics is "just maths" but maths is a tool to explain how phenomenal our exitance actually is. yeah. wow. ok imma go watch youtube or something now. bye bye. also notice how there was like an almost 3 month gap in between writing these. yeah.

#bad spelling and grammar but thats how this all will be hahahahahah #january 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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urscottsdale · 6 years

Note

1-100

1 - Who was the last person you texted?on here? @lustroses in rl? my mom 😂2 - When is your birthday?november 193 - Who do you want to be with right now?her4 - What sports do you play?in high school? i played softball and tennis. growing up i played basketball, soccer, volleyball, football, baseball -pretty much anything and everything i could5 - Who is the first person in your contacts?my boss (only bc his name starts with an a tho lol)6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment?thats a tough one tbh maybe sorry not sorry by demi lovato? this honestly changes everyday7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with?hmm maybe @madisonbeer @demilovato would be interesting lol8 - What do you feel right now?content but also depressed9 - What chocolate is your favorite?reeses10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have?ive had 411 - Why did you create a Tumblr account?boredom12 - Who is your favorite blogger?not sure tbh13 - Where do you want to be right now?cali, new york or tennessee 14 - What do you want to be in the future?wealthy and happy15 - When was the last time you cried? Why?last night and stupid shit16 - Are you happy?im alright17 - Who do you miss?anybody who knows me already knows18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life?idk probably not19 - What was the best thing you were given?tbh love from my family but also really loving the clothes @queenddl that i wear pretty much everyday20 - Who was the last person who called you?my grandpa21 - What is your favorite dish?https://goo.gl/images/SRxJRs22 - Who is your bestfriend?@queenddl and @thishailee23 - What is your biggest regret?too many tbh24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner?yes i was stupid back then25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with?family26 - Name someone pretty.to be safe im just gonna go with madison beer, demi lovato, selena gomez and all my friends27 - Who was the last person you hugged?probably my grandparents28 - What kind of music do you listen to?all kinds pretty much anything with good lyrics29 - Are you over your past?i wish i was30 - Who is the last person in your contacts?this guy named zachary who was supposed to watch my dog once31 - What kind of person do you want to date?someone who is all about me, loyal to me and wont give up on me/puts up with me tbh32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night?no sleeping comes natural to me 24/733 - From whom was the last text message you received?group text with my mom and brothers, but specifically from my mom34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt?jeans35 - How’s your heart?its beating so i cant complain36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”?no37 - Do you like someone as of the moment?eh38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?i hope ur doing well and that ur happy39 - Do you have any phobias?i do40 - Did you try to change for a person?no41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?im not sure. i pay for my brothers food a lot lol.42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship?hell no43 - Are you in a good or bad mood?eh44 - Name someone you can’t live without.@queenddl and @thishailee45 - Describe your dream date.something we both enjoy doing so it would depend on what they like46 - Describe your dream wedding.anything with family and the right person there47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?one48 - Have you ever been kissed?kinda49 - How long is your longest relationship?about 6 years i believe50 - Do you regret your past?something’s yeah51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else?i have52 - Have you ever cried over someone?many times53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone?i dont think so54 - Are you a crybaby?no55 - Do people praise you for your looks?lol no56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?yup57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret?lol yeah58 - Do you like getting hurt?no but im good at it59 - Does anyone hate you?probably60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”?no61 - What hair color do you prefer?brunettes r hot62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it?gender and anxiety63 - Do you love someone as of the moment?i love my family and friends64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself?a few times65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school?no i avoided drama in high school66 - Can you live without internet?probably not at this point67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone?2u by justin bieber and body like a back road by sam hunt68 - Are you good at holding back your tears?sometimes yeah69 - Are you a crybaby?nope again70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical?yeah lol71 - Are you a KPOP fan?nope72 - Do you study hard?lol i tried but i never knew how to properly study73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?yup74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight?nope75 - Have you ever ridden a boat?a few times76 - Did you have an accident last year?no77 - What kind of person are you?apparently my friends say im mysterious78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone?i mean its crossed my mind but not seriously79 - Have you ever been jealous?too many times80 - How can you prove your love to someone?ill tell ya when i figure it out81 - What are you thinking right now?so many things, mainly i dont want to go to work tomorrow82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts?so weird but its actually my grandpa’s best friend, whos not even alive anymore sadly83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase?many84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?yup85 - Did you ever badmouth someone?i have86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone?who hasnt?87 - Do you have trust issues?yup88 - Are you broken-hearted?yup89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”?cr…..azy…batman ;)90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it?depends but usually not91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”?yes92 - Who do you want to marry?idk93 - Do you believe in destiny?yes94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”?i have thought that95 - How do you look right now?relaxed and comfortable96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies?i do believe that but sometimes that love changes even tho its still there and always will be97 - Have you found your true love?nope98 - What should you be doing right now?cleaning99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends.ashley, danielle, whitney…100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?all the time

#anonymous #answered

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queeninthnorth · 6 years

Note

1-102 -meg (lenahoethor)

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I know my mam loves me

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Yeah

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Today

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?Yeah I smile at strangers if we make eye contact

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?Not that I know of

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Saturn by Sleeping At Last reminds me of the people I’ve lost

7. What exactly are you wearing right now? A mens polo shirt a tracksuit nd some converse i guess

8. How often do you listen to music? Every minute of every day

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Sweats

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013? It did change yeah i discovered w|w fanfiction

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Not either tbh I like socializing with people sometimes but I have limits

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? No

13. What about ‘R’? No

14. Can you drive a stick shift? Nope

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Yeah I do

16. Are you going out of town soon? Does springtime count as soon?

17. When was the last time you cried? Its been awhile since I cried unless you count holding it in, in which case a few hours ago

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yeah but not romantically. Mostly.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you? No

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? Not in the slightest

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. My Grandmother’s rlly sick nd Im supposed to be studying for exams but I wanna help my family with some stuff to do with my other grandmother who’s dead now so yeah

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Never happened and I hope it never does

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? Only rednecks would ask if im dating my sister

24. What are you sitting on right now? A chair

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? Sol tells me often but im not sure if its regular? Idk

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Straight girls smh

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? I think it was dee im not sure

28. Do you get a lot of colds? Once or twice a year

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Someone got it for my dad but its too small for him

30. Does anyone hate you? Me

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? If there are any they’re my sisters

32. Do you like watching scary movies? Not really no cause im a wimp

33. Do you want your tongue pierced? Hard pass

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? None tbh

35. Did you have a dream last night? Yeah but i cant remember it

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? A few hours ago

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? No

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? No

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No

40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Kind of

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Nope

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? Yeah

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? I think so

44. What’s the best part about school? Friends i guess

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yes

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? No I just talk to them out loud? I guess its different here bc our desks r either made to fit 2 people or pushed together and we’re always sitting in groups. Bc we’re older years we get to choose where we sit/who we sit with.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? A lot

48. Were you single over the last summer? Yes

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? Not at all

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Studying

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No

52. Are you nice to everyone? I think so

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yes

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Of course, Im not a dick55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? My closet says yes

56. Do you think you like someone? Yeah

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? No

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Girls

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Yeah

60. Do you hate anyone? Im not able to i think

61. How’s your heart? Damaged

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Not really 63. Have you ever cried over a guy? No

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? Idk my friends maybe

65. Are your toenails painted pink? No

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? Hope not

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? Idk man im not straight

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? My sister

70. How do you look right now? Comfortable bitch come fight me

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? I suppose

72. Can you commit to one person? Yes absolutely

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? No

74. Have you ever felt replaced? Yes

75. Did you wake up cranky? No

76. Are you a jealous person? No

77. Are relationships ever worth it? Of course

78. Anyone you’re giving up on? A few ex friends yeah

79. Currently wanting to see anyone? See as in date or see as in meet up with bc id like to see a lot of people in both regards

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Go to school

81. Last person you cried in front of? A crowd of people actually. Funerals r judgement free tbh

82. Is there someone you will never forget? A few people i can think of

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? Dunno

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Hugging and thats all I’ll say

85. Are you over your past? Yeah kind of

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? No

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? No

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? No

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? None existant entities can be anywhere they want they dont need my permission

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? No

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? No

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? Several

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? No

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? Nope

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? We werent together but yeah i suppose

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Literally my sister yall redneck need to chill

97. Who do you have texts from? People

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Cool cool cool cool cool cool

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? No

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? No one

101. Ever kissed under fireworks? No

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Yeah im a nervous fucker

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wizard-in-olympus · 7 years

Note

1 - 102 and if you answer them all i'll do the same.. thats the deal

its a deal then

this is gonna be long

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

it was mydad so, yeah

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

im 18, so obviously i would

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

when i left college, 5 months ago. i’ll be back next semester

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

i’ve done it, what’s the big deal?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

i dont think she knows and i dont think she’d even care

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

yeah andit was awful

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

i’ve heard that line right there too many times, you sound like a 15 yearold trying to get nudes. anyways, im wearing blue pjs

8. How often do you listen to music?

on long rides, while studying, while doing chores, while reading, whilewasting my time on social media. so, most of the time i guess

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2015?

ok its 2017 already but im gonna change it to “...change dramaticallybefore 2018?″. not so much, it has changed a lot in a year already

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

social

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

yes, my guy best friend, we were both drunk, shit happens. it kind ofbrought us together as friends hahaha

13. What about ‘R’?

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

thats the only type of vehicle i drive

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

i’d like to say no but yeah, i do. it depends on what people tho

16. Are you going out of town soon?

probably tomorrow. i go “out of town” a lot

17. When was the last time you cried?

i dont remember. about two months ago i think

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah.huge mistake

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

maybe i’d change my eyes from hazel to a deeper green

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

i thinkso

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

i haven’t finished the essay i was gonna present today, now i’ll have topresent it tomorrow

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

i loveit, yesss

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my couch

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

my bestfriend

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

i do

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

mybrother

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no, i get colds once a year, twice a year tops

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

idk, idc

30. Does anyone hate you?

i thinkso. im sorry

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

no, im asocial drinker

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

hate them

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

hell no

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

either 2014 or 2015. big parts of 2016 too... maybe a little bit of thisone but its been the best year i’ve ever lived since 2013.

35. Did you have a dream last night?

yeah, the seniors in my old high school were 10x better than last yearseniors -when i was a senior- and teachers loved them (teachers hated mygeneration) and they all graduated from IB and had their diplomas linned up inthe hall (i didnt graduated from IB or get the diploma and everyone hated me bci was the only student in my generation that failed and so no one could say“gen16 was a 100% IB generation! the first one in this high school!” bc of me)

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

a coupleof weeks ago

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

i hopenot

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

a couple of people, tiny andd small feelings but i now they do

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

maybe wondering what happened to me, yeah. but probably no one is

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

yes, areally good one

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

not a serious one but yeah

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

yeah, lots of girls. but im a girl and i like boys so who cares if ihang out with a girl

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yes and lots of times and they did lose me. i just couldn’t handle themany longer, my patience couldn’t take it anymore, it had been YEARS of dealingwith the same shit and enough was enough. but i couldn’t break theirheart so i just told them i had changed and left. that probably makes me anasshole but idc

44. What’s the best part about school?

meeting new people all the time, learning new amazing things and gettingto test them and the late night bar celebrations when we nailed a test

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

of course, why wouldn’t i?

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

i used to do that in 7th grade, not anymore

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

yes i wish i could change so many things, so many situations in which idid the wrong thing

48. Were you single over the last summer?

oh yeah and i had never been so happy of being single

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

just a little bit but it has changed A LOT and im grateful for it

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

finishingmy essay...

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

im hating him rn but most of the time i love that guy. stupid guys

52. Are you nice to everyone?

most people. im not nice to one single person but im nice to the rest ofthe human population. fuck that bitch tho

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

i’ve only liked people i didn’t expect to. except one guy probably.

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

i’ve never cheated, i think i can last a lifetime without cheating.cheating is a horrible thing to do, i don’t wish it on anybody

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

i used to be very good, lately i suck at it but idc anymore, its ok

56. Do you think you like someone?

kind of

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

yes and i would do it again

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

girls are sketchy, boys are chill. i get along better with guys but theyare also clueless idiots so... some guys

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

yes

60. Do you hate anyone?

61. How’s your heart?

confused but healthy and happy like it hasn’t been in years

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

plenty ofthings

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

no and i dont plan on ever doing it

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

the same boring bitches that always have, “”friends”“ and also their stupidparents that care too much about what i do with my life. fuck off

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i really hope not, not again

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

no, i hate sensitive, dramatic people. if he cries for a good reasonthen ok but i wouldn’t love it, i’d be sad for him too

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my bestfriend from Peru

70. How do you look right now?

ok, butmessy

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

plenty of people (family and friends), im an open book

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes, but it looks like however made this questions cant

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

thought i did, turns out i dont

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yes, a couple of times. always by friends tho

75. Did you wake up cranky?

not today, i had an amazing night of sleep

76. Are you a jealous person?

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

yes yes yes, SO WORTH IT. you just have to find the right person

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not rn

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

more like craving to see him. fuck my life

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

turn in this stupid essay i’ve mentioned twice already

81. Last person you cried in front of?

bestfriend

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

yeah

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

a littlebit

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

probably taking a walk and talking and staring at his beautiful smile

85. Are you over your past?

most of it. the latest “past” is still haunting me but im getting overit slowly

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

not morethan physical attraction

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

three tofour people

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

if i had one i could answer this. i think i kind of did and i wouldn’taccept it

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

what do you want??, what is the matter with you??, what on earth are youdoing here?? FUCK OFF.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

yes

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

i live in Costa Rica, im latina. guys here have names like “Jose, JuanPablo, Andres, Gerardo, Alonso”, not “Matthew, James”. so of course i haven’t

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

no and i lived the single life at its finest

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

he’s a fucking model for fuck’s sakes, he’s a GOD. he’s so hot. why am ifriends with him?? itcomplicates everything

97. Who do you have texts from?

my best friends, my guy friends, my family group chat, my girl friendsgroup chats, my crush

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

thats great, and do you think she likes you? hey good luck! *pretends idont have feelings and keeps on being a good friends*

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

the first person i ever kissed was a year older than me

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

ok in my tumblr icon im with my best friend, in my whatsapp, twitter andfacebook profile pictures im alone

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

done! that took me like an hour damn... sorry to the people who’s dashboard i interrupted with this post

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welcometothe-black-parade · 7 years

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I accept your dare - answer all of them

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I’m not sure. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

yeah sure, I’m 19 it wouldn’t be a big deal unless they were still in high school. christ this ask game has been going around for years i remember answering this when i was 153. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

last friday at a party with my friends4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do all the time and my friends yell at me to stop but im too polite i can’t help it5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

a lot of my friends are mad at me for talking to someone…6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

not yet today7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

answered!8. How often do you listen to music?

as often as i can9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

jeans def10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

…

(SORRY ILL PUT THE REST UNDER THE CUT LMAO

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

answered!12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

i’m not sure…13. What about ‘R’?

i feel like an awful person I don’t know the name of the last person i kissed!!14. Can you drive a stick shift?

can’t even drive 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

well yeah, mostly i just wanna know what theyre saying so i can shut down any false rumors. people have said some weird shit about me. 16. Are you going out of town soon?

yeah, I’m going back to my hometown for a few days, and then i’m going to alaska. i’m scared.17. When was the last time you cried?

yesterday or the day before, or maybe this morning idk finals are fucking me up and personal shit is happening at the exact same time18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah, in a platonic way.19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

no not at all, I have green eyes i’ve won the lottery imo 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

im not sure21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I’m not focusing enough on my work and its stressing me out so much22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

so cute!!23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

no but im rooming with her next semester24. What are you sitting on right now?

an uncomfortable wooden chair25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

yeah, my friends!26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

yep.27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

it was my buddy @cu-curu-gol at like 4am??? lmao28. Do you get a lot of colds?

no but i get fucktons of allergies and sinus stuff29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

i honestly forget probably gap or some shit its old30. Does anyone hate you?

probably31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

I don’t, im straightedge but my roommate might32. Do you like watching scary movies?

yeah!! my fave is hush but i watched creep the other night with my friends and it was so good33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

nah34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

2011.35. Did you have a dream last night?

yeah, it was a bad one.36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

I forget honestly37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

not at all38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

answered!39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

probably not.40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

no it was awful actually41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

don’t even have to think no42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

yeah, considering i go to a womans college lmao43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

yeah. I don’t think I believe them.44. What’s the best part about school?

everything except finals i love my school 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

many many46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

no we just whisper and make snarky comments 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

all the time48. Were you single over the last summer?

yep.49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

not at all and im very happy for that, but my depression has come back a bit. 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

studying or writing my 3 essays51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

no, but i don’t know what to feel honestly.52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try my best to be.53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah, too many times54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

yes of course, if you can’t last 6 months you don’t deserve to be in a relationship and you’re scum in my eyes tbh55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

sort of???56. Do you think you like someone?

unfortunately 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

i HAVE NO IDEA AND I FEEL SO BAD but she was super drunk and she initiated it so like im not a total shit i promise 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

girls def but gender is fake 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

many of them60. Do you hate anyone?

no, I don’t think so.61. How’s your heart?

not at it’s best. it’s a little fractured atm. 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

yes. yes there is. 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

fucking unfortunately 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

I hope it’s no one, but probably my brother tbh65. Are your toenails painted pink?

no i havent painted my toes in months66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

i hope not!! but it might be, knowing me it almost definitely will be. 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

that makes it sound sadistic, I wouldn’t love it, i would be so sad if my boyfriend cried, probably enough to cry myself, but its definitely preferable to a boy who just bottles up all his emotions and only expresses his negative emotions through anger.68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

I dont think so but honestly i wouldn’t put it past myself69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

a guy named andrew at the bank lmao70. How do you look right now?

shit71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

yeah72. Can you commit to one person?

i want to73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

sort of?74. Have you ever felt replaced?

yes.75. Did you wake up cranky?

yep76. Are you a jealous person?

i wish i wasnt but i can be so awfully jealous and i hate it about myself

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

i’ve never been in one but yes i believe they are. just because things end don’t mean it wasn’t worth it.78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not yet79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

my friends tonight hopefully80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

start writing my essays81. Last person you cried in front of?

um, I think it was my friend sarah?82. Is there someone you will never forget?

yes, a lot of people.83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

doubt it84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

just sitting around studying and talking a bit85. Are you over your past?

not quite. 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

yeah 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

sort of88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

i haven’t really had a first true love yet89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

I honestly don’t know if i’d recognize her90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

yep…91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

hah no92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

yeah but we call him magoo93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nope94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

nope95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

yeah i guess96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

…yes…he is….97. Who do you have texts from?

none that are unanswered98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I would tell them to go for it, and try my best to support them but i would be really sad.99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah, the oldest guy i kissed was 21 when i was 18100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

on facebook its a horse named eli101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

not yet102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

yeah, i hate and love the feeling.

#long post #anon

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mattmartelli · 7 years

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hi everyone im lina !! im fifteen n i live in the cst timezone so im usually on around this time of night !!! also my pronouns are she/her ! im super excited to be rping w yall ??? u should all hmu bc i wanna be friends w all of you.

DYLAN SPRAYBERRY - Did you hear MATTHEW MARTELLI joined the drama club now? Yeah, apparently they’re a SIXTEEN year old JUNIOR at Washington High. I heard they’re playing KURT KELLY in HEATHERS. Let’s hope they don’t fuck that up. I’ve seen HIM before in the FOOTBALL PLAYER table at lunch. At that table, they’re known as the GOLDEN BOY, because they’re +PERSPICACIOUS, but also -POLLYANNAISH. I wish them good luck with their slushy facial, though.

theres a stats page here and i’ll make a plots page but i already have two of them here !!!! message me to plot or like this and i’ll come to you once i get over my whole shyness thing

matt was born matthew alexander hemingway-martelli on august 29th, 2000 ( he's the youngest junior in the school heh ), but his family no longer say their father’s surname ( hemingway ) in order to honor their mother after their death. now they all just go by martelli, though they are still legally hemingway-martelli.

he was born in manhattan, ny into an upper class family but moved to rivercreek when he was three, the town his parents met and grew up in.

when he was in his mothers womb, matt got sick. this left him with fine hearing in his right ear, but very very limited hearing in his left ( he can really only hear loud noises really close to his ear, and everything sounds mumbled and blurred. therefore, hes fluent in asl and learned it alongside english growing up. he uses a cros system at the moment but is always afraid he’ll be bullied bc of it so he keeps it hidden and only those close to him knows he even hard of hearing. u dont wanna know how many times hes had to lie and say he was attracted to someone who caught him staring at their lips ( aka reading )

his family has five members. he has his dad william, his mother olivia, his older brother maxwell (21), and his older sister ________ [to be added by another rper] (17-18). hes the youngest of them all and his siblings never miss a chance to tease him about it.

his mom was a surgeon, and matt never really liked going to work w her bc when she was at the hospital she was always so serious yet at home she was the most fun person ever ?? she always encouraged him to be healthy and do well in school and was basically his biggest role model. when he was thirteen, she died after being hit by a drunk driver, leading matt to make a vow never to drink or do drugs. ever.

the entire family was devastated by the loss of their mother. thank goodness they turned to each other instead of bad coping mechanisms like drinking or drugs, and ultimately it made their family bond even stronger.

his father was/is a very successful businessman, and used to be very very involved in his large chain of pizzerias that were nationwide, but its hq was in manhattan. when he had kids, he started to focus more on family and when matt was three, he decided to step back a bit and do most of his work from home in order to take care of the kids bc their mother was v busy. hes also a rlly good chef ( hence the pizzerias ) and they often have family dinners around the table ( in fact, when their dad is home its mandatory every night theyre free ). now that the kids are old enough to take care of themselves, hes started to go back to nyc and get back in the swing of things. for the past two years, it isnt uncommon for him to spend a few days there every few weeks.

matt is the kind of person youd call a ‘gifted child.’ ever since he was a kid, hes always been that kind of cookie cutter kid pulled out a 40s comic strip - the all american boy next door whos nice to everyone and good at sports and has a 4.0 gpa thats friends w everybody ( yall know what character im talking about ) - but having that burden placed on him at such a young age has begun to stress him out big time

his after school activities include various volunteer stuff, football, track and field, gymnastics, peer tutoring, national honor society, and now theater. he also is taking seven classes ( not including pe ) - four honors and three aps

when matt grows up he really wants to be an engineer but also wants to follow in the footsteps of his mother, so hes torn between becoming a surgeon or a biomed engineer.

hes lowkey obsessed with maintaining his perfect image. he spends hours upon hours studying each night, works out and practices football and gymnastics almost every day, and on top of that, now he has this freaking musical to top it off ! ( yes, that says freaking. he doesnt swear. )

speaking of the musical, lets just say matt is not pleased. his sister encouraged it based on how much matt enjoyed choir when he was in junior high ( which unfortunately he had no time in his schedule to continue ) and urged him to audition and play a member of the ensemble as a time to destress at the end of the day and do something fun. but no, they just had to give his kurt kelly. while its not a leading role, its still enough that now hes stressing about lines and his singing and dancing and not knowing if what hes doing is realistic because hes never been drunk or a douche how is he supposed to know?!?! i mean he still enjoys it tho but its just kinda like the icing on top of the cake

idk. i’ll update this but plot w me for now !!! yeet

also im not gonna be able to be on or opening tomorrow bc i have rehearsal for my play til 7pm cst so whoops

#(&&. ooc)#thespian:intro #{ guess who has two thumbs and is late to party as always #this gal }#flashing gif tw

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x-puerbulla-x · 5 years

Text

Im drainned dude

hi 10:33 18/08/2019

i need to vent my minds a mess idk, i havvent stopped in months and it has been very draining so i guess idk i didnt wannaa sounds cocky saying all the things i did but for the sake of me wanting tto le it out i will and all of this to lead uo tot he present that was me being eith my dad today and how it was, how i feel about it i guess. So it all starts back in may, 3 months ago, where i was trying to survive with my grades i had to make sure everything was gonna go smoothly in my desenho exam and then i also was starting to feel pressure cause june was coming uo and tbh june is just streeeessssfull, theres first mels birthday on 1st June and one week before we took her to the tosquia too, then theres Beas burthday but also my sobrinho santiago was born, on the 5th an then beas birthday is on the 6th, then theres the aniversary off bea and i's first date in the 16th wheere we had previously planned wed recreate to celebrate and then theres bea and i's actual birthday on the 22nd and we went to pride but i was all very hard cause idk i guess we wanted our first birthday to be good (or at least i really dis which gave it some pressure), but it happened;; we celebrated at pride cause we were lucky enouh this year it was on he 22nd, the 2 days later its my moms birthday and i usually dont do anything but this time i decided i was gnna do something and i did, i recreated her gradma's torta, clean the whole house spotless and then i recreated a card i had made for her back in '06;;; on top of all of these ne is exam seasson and i had to hardcore study for gd everyday trying to reach a unreachable goal of 67 exercises, with so much gd i ended up forgetting a litte about portugues and had to study last minute, luckly i knew what i was doing cause m aware i know pessoa pretty well so my plan was just to study the rest but i dont think i gave it enough time sinse i had an 8, the to desenho i didnt study cause cockly, i dont need to, i had a 13,4 which i wasnt happy with but thats life i guess, it wasnt woth the money tryng to ask for a revisao, well, and at gd i had a 5, when i needed a 10 cause i was aluna externa this resulted that after this hell of a month i had to suffer another one cause i neeeded to learn everything i didnt lean in 1 and a half years id gd, in les than a month so i had to stuy like a crazzy person, this time i didnt have to do 67 exercices it was a lot less but still i couldnt do it and i did as much as i could and more i broke down 10000 billion time ad i thought i couldnt do it i didnt fee prepared and tbh i was terrafied cause if i faied this exam i didnt have my 12th grade done and it as a pain in the ass to think about but still after madess of stdying gd all day and until 5 am i did it only with a 11;;; but i didd it then that hell of a month ended and we get to this present moth but before that had sams birthday coming up and i wanted to surprise him with a cake cause bea and i had offered him cookie cake not knowing he was vegan now and it was dissapointing when we were like ,,, so you cant have it? cause we didnt know we wasnt jus veegetarian anymore blah blah blah, i had to do preaparations for his birthday and it was stressful, i wanted it to be good, the the day after we celebrate sams birthday im still not able to sit and relax a little cause its 2nd august and bea and i are going to veiros, dont get me wrong i was the one deciding to go but god i was tiring, i had more fun than last time i was there but theere wasa lot more stress too cause renataa was trying to cionvince us to go to university the whole time and it was a pain tbh cause i didnt know what to do but i ha a slight ide that i did wanna go bt then the problem was that because of that they ere all using me as an eexample to convince bea and i felt pressure to be like yeah im absolutely for sure going;;; at the end of the say i didd decide i wanted to go but then i was more stressed cause the dates were ending an i didnt havee my passe for dges cause there was a problem with it and my fcha enes was stuck to cause apparently you had to do thing in the secretaria to pik it up so i emailed the help line of dges for the password and asked my mom to go to school to ick up my ficha and ii did manage to have the pass in time but then the lady lied about the time the secretaria was open apparently cause when lena and my mom went there it was closed and i gess that meant that steess was over but id didnt manage to do the cadidatura in the 1st fase,;;;; which later on i found out i couldnt even do in the first place cause people with exams in the 2nd fase cant do the candidatura in the 1st fase soyahhhh unnecesary stess and now i need to wait until 9th september to do my candidatura and pray im accepted indesenho or pintura cause i do not want escultura as a everyday thing or at least i dont think i do ~ so;;; were n veiros also therees tension in the air cause tia tania an vo rosa are mad at each other, we did a lit of things everyday ehch made it less boring but i was so tired already that doing so much stuff wasnt my favourite at times now we came back 4 days ago but i still havent stoped and im tiredddddd, i think i only stayed 1 day home and it was to clean, we arrived in the 12, i slept in beas house and stayed ther the 13th, then i was home on the 14th, then there was the attempt to go to school take care of the ficha and it as closed but then spent the day with david and sof and bee, then my brother invited me to go meet santiag and then i actually went to school again and go stuff done and then the day arrived and i spent the day with andre and the baby, a friend, lena and rafaela, and her mom too for a bit (she was nice). all pf this leading up for today and this week, today i met with my dad just outside my house, he had miriam and pff idk he was having a talk to me cause we walked shiro and he was just saying o ho mirriam remind him of me and how were very alike and idk what to think of that, he said or drawings are the same and that she has my feitio, asked me to go to his place some day and all and idk it was confusing, he made me remember memories i was repressing, good ones but idk if itss good for me to remember those things, he reminded me of when i used hus bike and surprised him cause i was sall and he used to be on a bike aand id always ask like you could let me use it and etc etc and he was like come on mariana podes la tua andar com a bicicleta do pai its too big and all that and i told hm i couldnt go on it alone cause it was to tall but if he put me up there i could ride it and he did probably just to shit me up and i rode it to the end of the street did a cirve and got back and he was choked and all of this cause he said he really wanted miriam to learn too. he compared me a lot to her and talked about ho he still has lots of my stuff;;;;;;; i complainted about my doctor octopus;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; i guess it was to avoi talking about the situation with lena but he did meantion her at all ot as little as possible and it was weird cause that made it so that the way it was talking it was like i was his only daugther or that lena was never there which made me wonder about things idk i guess i never realised to what degreee i was ay closer to my dad than lena, its no surprisse we always knew lena got the looks of his side of the family but i got the personalty thats why me and andre get along so well (also andres sun is my moon cough) im pretty sure me seeing my dad makes my mom sad too, understandably so i dont plan to do it often, not everyone can be happy in this story and its definitely not my mom going to be the one thats not happy, i own her everything i ever had and tbh i only acceot the times i do see my dad out of ity and guilt and cause admiditely i do miss and crave having a dad idk i guess i never had one for real but id like to, but it doesnt sound very realitic so im not too expectant i dont believe i is ever going to happen i hope days fro here forward are a little more chill although i doubt that, at least for a week or so, maybe a few days if im lucky but today im meeting bea and sleeping there se if thats a bit relaxing, then tomorrow im supposed to go soewhwere with david and sof and then the day after with david, sof and sam so yah know, a bit busy i wanted to pint and to draw do thins in my sketchbook cause there hasnt been much time ffor that or cabeça i guess and knoowing myself i feel like that might work on making me a little better before the mess starts again cause of the candidaturas in like 2 weeks

anyway

12:46 18/08/2019 bye

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