#I’ve been upset about this all day

[fagrights]

my mom telling me to think about going out to eat with my cousin and aunt cause shes tired of seeing them only in a negative light and wants to repair the relationship and im like great that sounds like a horrible plan that will backfire like it does every single other time

#IM DONE TRYING FOR THESE PEOPLE #i cant look at them the same way since my grandfather died and they treated helping him and us as the biggest inconvenience and liked i #guilted them into helping when i told them they should take some time with him at the end of his life #and my mom plays the whole it wont change again i really want to fix it thing as if the past has shown any different #and what is the point. #and then it’s going to make me really upset at my mom #cause it doesn’t matter how I feel or what I think the only thing that matters in the situation #is my moms feelings #so I have to tell her no I don’t want to do that you can but I have no energy left in me #and then that’ll make her upset #I’ve been upset about this all day #why did she even have to bring this up. she’s like well I’ve been thinking.. we have one good day out with my other aunt and my moms like ok #I forgive everything they have done to me and my family for the past 7 years

[dear-ao3]

tomorrow is my last day interning in nyc and i am incredibly sad about this but this does mean tomorrow night i get to photo dump on here cause i don’t have to worry about revealing my location anymore

#as someone who has always been in love with nyc it did not disappoint whatsoever #to date it’s been the best three months of my life even if i did have to wake up at 5:30 am every day for it #and i will miss all my little friends #i say little i’m the youngest one there #and YES i will see everyone next month when i have to come up to test and i’ll be bringing them all pierogis but hhh #i want to stay hereeeee #but alas #i have a two year job in a different state #:/ #upsetting to the max #this is the most information i’ve shared about myself in a long time on here oops #not a tag #from saph

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

woke up before noon. feeling genuine hatred towards a lot of things right now

#first: my siblings who have trained the massive dog to jump on people. hate them a lot. he got mud all over the only outfit #that genuinely doesn’t give me sensory issues. very upset. yes i am literally crying about it now i have to do laundry a day early and #all my plans are ruined #second: the fact that i have to eat food. not a fan. i don’t want to cook i don’t want to deal with that #third: the fact that i feel like i’ve wasted my life because i low-key hate being a psych major but i know i’m unable to change my major #because i’m so tired of school and i just want it to be over and i would lose it if i signed myself up for like 2 more years just because #i want to go into a different field and 2 years isn)t that long but i don’t have another 2 years in me i’ve been here since i was like 16 #fourth: my fridge which i’d notable apple juice-less

[daenerys-targaryen]

I just :/

#leah rambles #why is being a swiftie this way I’ve been so upset all day about redacted #I haven’t even listened to any of her songs like 😵‍💫 #and NOW these videos and pictures of all these fans literally chasing down her car is so rattling #ugh #ts #it’s a 🎢 baby

[lesbiansanemi]

I think… I have figured out the reason I never get gendered as a guy anymore and it’s making me have…. A lot of really complex feelings

#most of my life I’ve been VERY androgynous #and ever since I cut off all of my hair when I was 16 and started dressing in men’s clothes #I tended to get gendered as a man or woman p equally by strangers #(until I talked because my voice tends to be a give away which is a whole other thing I have Thoughts about but that’s a different issue) #but in the past oh… idk… six months or so? I literally NEVER get gendered as a guy #it has happened ONCE #like sure ppl will ask for my pronouns but I know that’s just cuz I look like stereotypical genderqueer afab person #it’s not cuz they can’t tell what my gender is… #and I’ve been wondering what’s so different. why don’t I ever get gendered as a man anymore #I haven’t changed how I dress I still have a masculine haircut most of the time my facial features obviously haven’t changed #SO WHAT DID #I… I’ve figured it out…. #I’ve gained weight. but only in my hips and thighs #all my pants that I’ve had for YEARS are suddenly too tight and too small around my hips and thighs #I’ve NEVER had curves anywhere before I was always stuck straight and now… I do #and like part of me wants to be happy. I’m gaining weight!!! I’ve always been so horrendously underweight #and I’ve battled severe disordered eating for so long that was the cause #this past year I’ve actually very steadily been eating three meals a day instead of one #I can eat whole portions without getting sick #and I’m really proud of myself for that like I’m def not upset I’m gaining weight #it’s just. it’s just that it’s literally all in my hips and thighs #and it’s giving me a more feminine figure which I’ve NEVER had before #and I know your body goes through more changes in your twenties and that’s probably part of it too #it’s just. I don’t want this. I don’t like this. #I haven’t felt genuinely dysphoric in a long time and now I want to crawl out of my skin whenever I look in a full body mirror #cuz I see it now. I see the change. and I just. do Not fucking Like It #but I can’t do anything about it 😭 #and idk what to do #ugh #kaz rambles

[glitterock]

x

#u know the person that just got exposed for having a fucked up sideblog on here? #i’ve been knowing they were weird as hell for months ever since months ago when they were dating my friend and when my friend said they #didn’t wanna see them anymore they immediately hit up my dms trying to come to fuck me in nyc #knowing me and the other person were really good friends #and were telling me they had dreams about me n shit #when i say immediately i mean like the same day my friend said they didn’t want to continue seeing them #of course i said no bc i care about my friend and also just was not interested #and i told my friend and they were upset about it #so yeah they’ve always been fucking weird and creepy #always made me so uncomfy seeing ppl be besties w them bc they obvs are immature as hell along side being a terf apparently #anyway this is all i’ll say on this and if u don’t know who i’m talking about im not telling #didn’t wanna mention this when it was happening bc it’s really no one’s business and didn’t need to be blasted but also now i’m saying it #to add context that they were always giving creep vibes

[persimnon]

mayday, mayday!

#in no way do I think tumblr is going down anytime soon #but i’ve realized I’ve always had an naive sort of idea that tumblr would be a constant in my life and forever evolve as I grow #it is just that intertwined with the way i use the internet. i have been here nearly every day since a month after i turned twelve #like i hope this isn’t pathetic to admit but this place was and is a cornerstone of my adolescence #tumblr is my word of mouth. it is my fandom home base. it is my diary sometimes #and it’s not that I can’t learn to use another platform. it’s that the continuity is important to me #my blog is a stream of every love and passion and obsession of my entire teenage hood and as of now the beginning of my adulthood #the thought of having to move somewhere new and break off from this massive and fundamental chunk of my life is hugely upsetting #not to mention my mutuals! and everyone I follow! it’s impossible to round everyone up again if. god forbid. we all have to leave here #and of course blah blah blah everything in life is temporary learn to accept change yada yada #but it’s been part of me long enough where i have a hard time picturing how i could even go about leaving this behind #anyway. nothing bad is happening yet. I’ll stay here until it breaks entirely #blither blather bother

[starbuck]

OH MY GOD I THINK I’M HAVING A TRAUMA RESPONSE

#(this not being a panicked post but rather a moment of realization - please do not worry!) #i’ve been feeling completely crazy for the past week being down on myself like ‘why am i so upset when nothing is wrong????’ #while simultaneously joking every day like ‘isn’t it SO crazy that it was around a year ago that all of my coworkers left me????’ #never once considering that these two things could be connected! #but it seems so obvious now #no WONDER i’m freaked… my body is preparing for nuclear war #i was hanging on all right but then suddenly there were a lot of big changes at once and my system just went ‘oh SHIT!!!!’ #‘it’s THAT again!!!!!!!!’ #and it actually ISN’T!!!! everything is actually cool and fine and under control now!!!!!! #but my trust level is at absolute zero and i cannot perform functional personhood and i feel like a roiling puddle on the ground #that actually makes… so much sense… #i’m gonna talk to my manager tomorrow and explain the situation to her #not that there’s really anything i can do about it but i want to explain myself at least #to hopefully receive a little extra patience and understanding as i work through this #i… did NOT realize that last year’s Situation was so traumatizing but like. Yeah - of course it was #i was in Survival Mode #and i am again now #and i’m just gonna need a little patience and love to help me calm down again and feel safe #that’s it #i can work with that

[roses-and-tears]

.

#I have spent. 8 almost 9 hours resetting my laptop. I chose the option to keep all my files but uninstall apps. and it has been restarting #and installing for almost 9 hours. yeah I get that the process will be long. but ffs #I have been bored the past few hours so I watched the smile movie bc I got reminded of it yesterday #it was pretty bad. the couple gorey scenes towards the end were nice but some of the acting and writing was just terrible #I was also hoping the movie would’ve taken a different turn. I think it would’ve made it more.. idk. I can’t think of the right term.- #-it just would’ve made it better I think. #I’ve also eaten a lot today. more than I usually do. more than I have in months and years and im upset about that. im already bloated. #I hope I don’t work tomorrow. I have to call in in the morning to check. and I don’t mind working but rn I just kind of want to spend the #day relaxing #I’ve spent almost 9 hours on this resetting part. and 4 extra hours trying to simply repair it in restarts #I also need to clean up my room. a lot of it. and clean my pets cage. it’s ant season now and im really stressed about that #the smell of sharpie returns and I am just. overwhelmed. I have 3 days to prepare for my special week long activity and im not happy about- #-that. #I also had some feelings earlier that im stressed over too. #im being vague about that bc i just don’t want to go off about that to everyone #im tired and overwhelmed i just want my laptop to finish resetting so i can stop fretting about this. i want to sleep #im tired. of so much #to delete later

[itspileofgoodthings]

I mean, if there’s one thing the album is going to do it’s come through.

#winner of every long game #but a certain kind of abruptness/shock/even anger is always a part of every first reaction. At least for me. #if i’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times: #she wears extremely well and extremely gently #she gets better with use and familiarity in that the bitterness dissolves #like everyone can hmmmm all they want the album will come through and will have the people in a chokehold #and I even understand the frustration with that sometimes. with the inevitability of her dominance that makes people mad #I feel it too!!! but that’s just a surface level thing. it’s the stuff around her that ISN’t real #she and her music always is. no matter the mistakes she makes or how much she participates in the not-realness of it. etc. (and she does) #she’s going to have the last word in the sense of that word being a thing very worth hearing #Anyway this is why she’s so almost jarring as a famous person and also why she’s simply never going to go away #and anyway anyway it’s been a deeply upsetting two days! I’m drained and about to cry

[arthur-r]

(wrote this song before i left for college but it’s sure applicable to life right now!!!!)

lyrics: falling from grace, i’m a rusting lace artifact / tears down my face as i break my immortal pact / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / please, i just want one more chance to prove that i could be the— / best friends know how to reveal me / best friends know how hard i try to have something to say / best friends know that it’s not helping / can i just go far away to where there’s nowhere else to— / turn around, up and down, i’m melting!!!! / turn around, i have something to say!!!! / color bleeding, heartbeat leaving, need a place to lay my head / arms are folded, fine print bolded, everything is overloaded!!!!!!!! / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue, i’m coming undone / color faded by the sun, i bite my tongue / trust me, i want to be healthy / trust me, i want to be special and loving and sweet / trust me, i know that i’m broken / trust me, i know that i’m broken….

#when i write a song and don’t know what it means and then i have a breakdown and suddenly know what it means #turns out i have been compartmentalizing since i was a VERY young child as if there are two parts of me completely separate #and one of them is this golden child perfect person always so ready to please #and the other one is a literal fucking monster. that’s how i’ve been thinking about myself since i was a little kid #and i sort of. i had a breakdown about that last week and then yesterday i was so upset about not being able to separate myself from illness #how i’ve always been treated and treated myself as if there’s a perfectly healthy person in there somewhere who is just plagued with demons #so i’m constantly reaching for this person that doesn’t exist and never has and never will #because i can’t accept myself as a whole being complete with good and bad parts of me #it’s also just autism/POTS venting shdhdhdf but i knew that much #it wasn’t until i thought about my childhood though that i realized i’ve always been autistic i’ve always had mobility issues (though less) #and that i have never let myself integrate those aspects of myself into my permanent identity. like i’m waiting for them to go away so i can #prove myself and show how good i can be at just being normal. so i don’t know. anyway here’s a song #P.S. i processed my emotions so good and i’m normal now. gonna get dinner with that guy today and have a normal person conversation #so don’t worry about me. i pretty much fell asleep after i posted and i’m doing a lot better now #anyway i’m not great at this instrument shdhdf and i’ve also been crying so like as a piece of music this isn’t great #but as an expression of a feeling and idea. these are the feelings and ideas i’ve been thinking about #of all the things to theoretically be overheard by a ton of neighbors though. living in a dorm is nerve-wracking!!!! #most people don’t hang around my dorm at this time of day though i’ll be alright. hope everyone is doing well #me. my post. mine. #ask to tag #music

[lilgynt]

moms WILL make sure you cry once a day at least

#personal #i’ve been cleaning my room all day and #that doesn’t effect anything but mid crying i’m just muttering i didn’t do anything bc at this point it’s a comfort mantra for when my #family fucks around with me randomly. #anyway so my mom calls and said she was talking with a friend and i got brought and so did my issues #and she got me these expensive vitamins and im steadily getting sadder/ more annoyed during the call and crying silently #and i saw yes to taking them and she keeps going and i’m like mom i said yes #and she’s like it’s just a conversation and i tell her i’m just upset bc the move for my mental health is #ignoring any issue i bring up then buying me expensive gifts so i can’t talk about said issue #and i was like i want to be clear. this is extremely nice gesture. thank you. thank you very much #and she’s like i can never do anything nice for you #so i’m like maybe we can hold off on nice gifts or treats and focus on communicating or get pass these door issue #and she just went silent like she always does so i just said never mind thank you and we hung up #and now i’m crying in bed feeling utterly alone cause it’s not like i can reach out to either of my brothers #and i feel resentment for ben grow everyday just bc he gets to live his life after doing that to me #and i have to live with the consequences of his actions everyday #and everyone keeps saying their not blaming me for it and then treating me like shit #i m just gonna stop talking to my mom as much for a while i’m not talking to either of my brothers if i can help it but #i just let her slide even tho she’s literally begging me to get back harder with my ed

[deityofhearts]

as of rn the general november vibe is “if you want to keep talking to me then you have to do so first because unless you’re one of maybe ten people (and that’s being generous with the number) I do not think you want to hear from me” so if you DO want to hear from me then you have to make that known, otherwise idk, we’ll see

#deity dialogue #we shall see how long I last this time #probably once I realize people are going to actually reach out to me first but I start to miss hearing from them because that’s typically #what happens #idk how to articulate how I feel #I don’t like dislike or blame anyone for me feeling the way that I do #but I very much am upset and feel like I’m trying to hard and that it’s a burden and that I need to stop trying to get peoples attention and #trying to get people to talk to me #but this post itself could also be seen as another pathetic attempt to get people to actually want to talk to me #blah blah crystal you’re so sad and pathetic this is why you’re friends all hate you ♥️ #it’s just another case of crystal feels like they’re nothing and they should stop trying because it doesn’t matter whether they do or not #and it seems easier to just stop trying to force myself into relationships but it also hurts to stop as well #oh hey I finally started crying I’ve been trying to cry all day so I can it out of my system #who knew all it took was once again thinking about how stupid I and my feelings are lmao #basically I’m having a hard time with like feeling wanted and like I’m not an annoyance lately #and I don’t want to continue annoying people and adding to that feeling #so if you want to hear from me then I’d love that I love my friends I love hearing from y’all #I just am dumb and upset and stupid

[linksnonbinaryass]

They want to fucking fire me. They want to fucking fire me and I’ve done nothing wrong. I complete all of my tasks assigned to me, Ive even stayed in after all my coworkers clocked out to ensure the deli is clean. I call in AT LEAST a day in advance if I can’t make it in and even then I will usually let the manager know a week in advance. I get along with my coworkers and I’m respectful to customers. And they fucking cut my hours and tell me I’m fired if I don’t work this weekend even though I called the manager three days in advance!! And practically all my other coworkers have had no-shows with no repercussions!!!

#and to top it all off! I’ve been keeping this bottled up inside ALL DAY and when I got off work and came home I just wanted to vent #about it to my dad and he fucking yells at me and shuts me down #my parents fucking suck at being emotionally supportive #telling me I’m being selfish for expressing upset #my bullshit

[duckofthelaw]

Literally nothing even HAPPENED I just had a weird conversation with Sap this morning and my back is goddamn killing me and I’m by myself in this fucking train car with no one to fucking call

#I wouldn’t call Sap anyways stuff’s too weird. Maybe it’s not but I feel like it is #They keep asking me what’s been up with Karl and I keep telling them to not worry about it #Because seriously if Karl wants to talk about it wish him she’ll bring it up. #And Sap and I were up this morning and he mentioned it again and I must’ve sounded pissy when I told him to just drop it #because he got pretty upset. #Like he was being kind of mean so I got kind of mean and so he got mad and it’s not like he’s scary when he’s mad #but I must I’ve looked some sort of way because all of a sudden they got all ‘sorry baby are you ok’ and I don’t WANT them being like that #when I was being just as much of a dick #So I kind of just ended the conversation and left for LN… And I don’t wanna talk about it LOL #Some of the stuff Sap said was pretty… ouch. Like he said something like #‘you two have to tell me stuff because when you don’t you disappear for ages and Karl goes crazy’ and was like ‘quit being proud’ #And I don’t even know how it happened but fucking Dream came up of all things and they were like #‘killing someone is better than making their life hell’ and it was so fucking POINTED like he says it’s chill all the time #but it’s clearly fucking not. And it’s gonna be so awkward for the next couple of days 😭😭😭 #Whatever. It’ll pass and we’ll be fine until it happens again #And it’ll pass again #Just. FUCK !!! #me

[willowfey]

a year and one day ago, one of my favourite people in the world, my kindred spirit, my uncle chris, died of a heart attack. he was a kind sensitive gay man who loved to read and travel and make people laugh and wake you up in the middle of the night to go out for ice cream if he was lonely. he had a peculiar interest in clowns and circuses and trains. he loved dogs more than people and people more than anything else in the world. i never got the chance to talk to him about being autistic but i’m almost 99% sure he was.

i couldn’t say anything about him on the day because i was absolutely inconsolable. i sat on the shower floor until it went cold and sobbed for hours so hard i threw up and then didn’t speak the rest of the day. and then, late at night, i went out for ice cream and was served by an old queen covered in pride pins who was around his age, and he reminded me of him, and it helped a microscopic amount. my mom told him we lost our uncle and he looked at me and i wanted to tell him “you remind me of him” because i know he would’ve understood, but i couldn’t make any words come out, so we just looked at each other a moment. i don’t remember anything else about that night. except that it rained really hard for a long time. i still go there for ice cream occasionally and he serves us every single time and he talks as if we’re good friends, even though i never do much of the talking.

anyway. i went back to look at his obituary today and it feels like it just happened. or like it didn’t happen at all. idk. but the thing that’s getting me the most is i’m looking through his photo gallery and there’s pictures of him in his teens and 20s and like….. we would’ve been friends. i just know we would have. despite how quiet i was in school, despite how quiet HE was in school, he would’ve seen me one day and said smth to make me smile like he always did and we would’ve been best friends from then on. but i was born 30 years too late and instead of befriending me first he befriended my grandmother and mother, and instead of going to school with him every day he called me nearly every day to do animal impressions. mr. cow says hello. mr. sheep says good morning. mr. horse is passing the phone to silly chris now. we grew up calling him silly chris. that was just his name. one word. sillychris.

idk where i’m going with this post but i just wanted the world to know that i miss him, and that when my nephew is finally big enough to use the phone he’ll have to speak to my secretary mrs. horse

#he used to visit foster homes dressed as santa and the easter bunny to give out treats #he kept a bowl of dog treats by his door despite having no pets just in case one was walking past #he was the kindest person i have ever known #and the fact that my kids will not grow up with sillychris breaks my heart more than anything #but god i am so so glad i visited him before he died. that we went to the korean bakery and out to dinner and took a long walk #and smelled all the flowers we passed and talked about books and travelling and the world and how different we feel from other people #despite how badly we love other people #that i still have a fresh memory of hugging him. of him telling me i’ve always been the same girl. that i’ll always be his book lady. #one of my biggest regrets is that i didn’t text him when i said i would. that i didn’t send him a book like i promised. #i got so caught up in my life and my own problems and i thought i’d have so much time. i thought i had years and years #i thought he’d dance with me at my wedding. y’know? u always think u have more time. and the thing that scares me the most is not knowing #i know he could never ever be upset with me for anything. and that he’s still here #anyway. this post is mostly for me bc tumblr is my journal but here we are #it is something i think that the only thing able to pull me out of my head on that day long enough to drink some water and lay down #was another chris