#I'm so behind and now I don't even wanna

[tardis--dreams]

You know what? I give up on this paper once and for all. I'm not even ashamed anymore

#okay I'm a little ashamed #it's another 5 points i have to catch up with next semester #but it's making me want to kill myself and i don't even know if the professor would still accept it #(the original deadline was in October. i got an official extension until November. i guess it'd be just rude #to ask if it was still okay to send it #especially since i haven't done any substantial work on it #it's just bad. i hate the topic. i hate the way the professor views the subject 'language and emotion' #so that i cannot write what i want but would have to tailor it towards her views because otherwise I'd fail #and also i cannot write in german. i simply can not do it. ) #it's better to move on and focus on my last paper for last semester (official deadline is end of March #so I'm not behind for once) #and i should do the assignments for a module i should have finished 1 year ago #so i don't have to do that next semester #and i should start studying korean again so i don't make a complete fool of myself next semester #I have my first day of work in 2 weeks so I'll also have to focus on working (for money) from there on #I've been paralyzed by the thought of having to write this paper for way too long #the professor is not my boss anymore (i still have to work off some hours though) and even if she was #I'm so done being ashamed of myself for not being able to do certain things #i wanna give it my best from now on but not for this paper. it's done. #void screams

[born-to-lose]

I know the working conditions were kinda shitty and my colleagues and bosses didn't appreciate me enough but damn I miss the bar already 😭

#maybe it's my anxiety and the drama queen in me acting up more than necessary and they have other problems rn but #i already vented a lot to my family in the last 3 days but at some point i might just make something up so i can go back as a guest for gig #like idk lying about them inviting me to come back because they wanna see me and miss me or smth idkkk #sure there are other venues but this is like a second home at this point 💔💔 plus cheap and close up concerts with iconic bands #even if they don't get paid well or even at all but i can make up for that by buying their merch and inviting them for drinks #arenas are lame i can't meet the musicians and make out with them as easily 🙄 #i'm posting a poem about the bar later 💔 started it before i even thought about leaving but now it stings and feels nostalgic #hell i cried writing the goodbye message and seeing the lacking replies except for two colleagues' nice texts and my bosses' dry ones #i'm never working somewhere i loved as a customer again i swear it only ruins the experience if you know the behind the scenes #mel talks

[turdofanerd]

I'm gonna be 16 in a week... yayy

#vent #I don't want to be 16 yet #it's too soon #guys I'm so scared #life is moving so fast #I can't even enjoy myself anymore #I waste my time and then cry when it's gone #and then I'm cramming all my schoolwork that I can't find it in myself to pay attention to #I just... #I don't know... #I hate myself #I hate feeling so... unprepared #so busy #everyone says it'll be alright #and I know it will... #at least I hope so... #but between the stupid papers and reports #plus the AP test that's next Monday #I'm not ready for that either #I wanna get my license but I haven't practiced hardly heh #I feel so behind #and like I'm running out of time #but when I get stressed I need an escape #so I use my phone... #and mindlessly drone on it until I can't think hardly #and now dual enrollment is a genuine topic #I can barely handle my regular work #but I know it's a food opportunity #and I know myself #I'm gonna end up doing it

[aberooski]

I'm seriously hanging on by a thread right now I might just go drop dead 😭

#work has just been really overwhelming today I'm going to crack #I hate people #I almost broke down in front of the usher manager today because our radio died while we were falling behind becaus3 #one of the theatres got out slightly late and set us back for like 45 minutes because everything was gettinf out one on top of the other #on complete opposite ends of the theater #amd it's not a small building guys #and I was already angry because there was a huge spill in a theater earlier I had to get a mop for and it was a pain in the ass #then we started falling behind and when we fall behind I get really stressed so I jad to ask the usher manager for help to catch up when we #were switching radios and even with his help we didn't catch back up until JUST NOW because we're on a 30 minute set break #and I've jusy been stressing and running around the theater and I want to go home and cry and drop dead #I'm so hot and tired and drained amd my legs have been sore for DAYS and this is NOT helping and I hate it here and I qant a real job #like I'm fucking 24 years old this shouldn't be the best I can do but trying to find anything else to get out of here has been IMPOSSIBLE #and I just feel so hopeless and helpless and trapped and miserable #I'm so angry and sad and tired and in pain and miserable all the time now #and it's awful and I hate it I don't wanna be that wah anymlre #I can't even type oh my god #I'm dying #abby's having a crisis

[erikisser]

can't believe all my roommate's friends were so actively working against me when it came to who gets the big room with the balcony attached to it and in the end she actually got it....

#we agreed to make it fair by drawing lots for it #but i ended up suggesting to use the spinning wheel generator so that it's really up to luck #and i can't believe i shot myself in my own foot with this bc she actually got the big room #even though in the beginning of the year i asked if i could have it when the other roommate moves out #(we knew for a while that she'd move out in summer) #but then my roommate asked if we could draw lots maybe and i said yes bc i didn't wanna be an asshole 😭 #but now she actually got the big room and now i kinda regret not putting my foot down and claiming it #bc on my side everyone told me i could just say that i've been in the flatshare the longest and therefore i could claim the room #but idk i wanted to be nice and look where it got me #it's not the end of the world bc my current room is still nice it's just the smallest #but i'm really complaining abt nothing ig #at least i'm saving money on rent 😅 #but the big room would have been saur nice tbh.... #and the fact that my windows still fave the balcony and now the roommate who constantly invites friends over has the balcony ......... #you see where i'm getting at 😵‍💫 #let's hope i'll get some good sleep the next few week before it's too cold to be on the balcony CJSJCHS #but yeah with her friends working against me i also mean that a lot of them smoke so apparently they told her that she should get the room #bc she smokes and has friends that smoke as if i am not worthy of a balcony bc i don't smoke like 🫠 #idk i felt like i was the only nice on in the scenario who was willing to play fair even though i didn't have to and her friends were still #lowkey pissing on my leg behind my back yk #she was nice about it but her friends get the side eye from me abt the whole thing 😶 #sorry for the rant #delete later #000

[unproduciblesmackdown]

today days old faun/fauna same etymology (equivalent to pan roman god faunus &/or fauna)

#greek equivalent of fauna is panis no way #learning things when going what is/was particular distinctions b/w fauns & satyrs btw. oh great now the pucks are depicted satyrically #what do you have to do to get No Cultural Crosspollination across centuries in even the relatively limited region of now europeish. smh #including going on into the modern day when my association w/fauns is less abt Nature God Connections than kinda goated w/the sauceness #hence not going Ah Of Course about All Creatures and Nature God Connections in the first place lol #the surprise ''obvious'' connections of english when Appearance of lexical similarity doesn't guarantee any etymological link #just like it doesn't re: pronunciations out here & here's everyone w/the pact to lose their shit if someone says smthing they've only read #hang on now i'm remembering & going what's up with the occasional christianity thee devil satyresque i.e. goat guy imagery huh #doesn't seem to be a clear cut answer; Perchance that [goat guy] pagan association had Evil Guy association pushed uponst it #not much Biblical ''seeing a goat guy: fucked up'' save hand wiggly [scapegoat] / sorting parables sheep are good guys boo goat sinners #but even less Biblical ''there is a thee devil & oh boy you don't wanna get stuck in um eternal torture w/that guy'' so here we are #circling way around let's think about akd the mysteries lucifer. let's think about whether they made out with the mysteries jesus or stuff #but just the Them like ooh that one behind the scenes look at their walking through in costuming thank God (laugh track) #posts brought to you by tangential offshoots of like 3 other posts i didn't make & [still not drawing!] but still learning fun facts

[soultoken-archived]

what if i make a suggestions blog about, like. cosmic horror. personal horror. horror of the unknown. nightvale-ish horror. horror in general.

#i am so scared to make it and then have it be the umpteenth thing i just leave behind but sometimes i wanna write just. things... #not exactly poetry because i don't think i'm good enough for it but just. little short things. letting out anxiety in a creative way (?) #i don't even know how i would call it but... what of it... #also hello. <3 i'm going to be on for a little bit today. i have work to do but i also need to calm down a little so i'll probably write. #morning has been a little anxious but i'm doing good now. <3 just need to finish calming down. #(and probably also eat something more. i feel my head a little light sjfkgh) #𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐲.「 out of character. 」

[lyxchen]

My brain really hates me sometimes. Cause I'll be like "okay, I have this really important exam that I have to study for and I want to do one topic per day so I'm gonna sit down now and learn that one topic for like one hour because it will only take one hour to actually do that. Then when I'm finished I'll still have a enough time so I can continue watching that show that I started yesterday because it's very interesting and I've been thinking about it all day"

And then my brain will be like "but what if you made a bracelet now?"

And I'll obviously be like "well i can do that after i studied because I'll have enough time left and I won't have to think about all the work I still need to do because I already did it"

And then my brain will be like "but you could also make that bracelet now"

And somehow I always end up loosing that fight and I legit don't know what to do anymore

#i do know why my brain is like that #it's cause i have diagnosed adhd #but also why it is like that??? #like i had a plan for today #after i got home from school i was gon a eat something and the study for one hour and then at like 5pm i'd be done #and then i would have had enough time to watch a few episodes of that show because I Really Want To Watch It #and i knew that i couldn't watch it before i studied because then i just would not have stopped watching because brain don't wanna #but of course :))) i didn't do anything #i only made a bracelet #just Because!! #and now it's 9pm i still haven't studied #i even made a plan for what topic i'm gonna learn on which day #because i still have five topics to learn/revise and my exam is next wednesday #and i'm already behind on that #and i can already be lucky if i do Something so i know that i can't study for like four hours in one day #but somehow on most days i can't even do One hour #and it's so frustrating #because this is important and i'm trying but i haven't found a way that works for me yet #so Please if somebody knows how i can just get myself study for a bit at the time that i plan to study that would be So Great #because i have an alarm for when i want to study/do homework but i just ignore it and forget about it and ''just doing it'' Does Not Work #and yeah #how do people do school?? #like for real i don't get it #it's so time consuming and all i do is either be there or be at home and think about all the school stuff i should be doing while not doing #anything #but i also don't do anything fun because then i'll just feel guilty because i Could be doing school stuff right now #you know? #okay i'm gonna stop talking now but hhhhhh please somebody help :((

[lowcursedmg]

I'm talking way past way too much these past 24 hours. Am I starved for social interaction? Probably

#the why behind it is a lot to get into #already have 1 and 1/2 times today #idk #sometimes i wanna talk to my friends and tell them all the stuff i like about them and make jokes #but when i keep things short and sweet i still haven't had my fill #and when i talk as long as i like (and that's if they'll even give me the chance to talk that much) it feels like I should've just left- #well enough alone and I'll misspeak and now I've upset someone i care about #and then they'll likely want to talk to me less and less #and they'll want to talk to me less if I'm short and withhold my full thoughts #people find that cold and off-putting #i don't really know what the fuck to do #if i don't over explain stuff then I'm misread #either that or they just won't care anymore and just want me to shut up #if i talk too much i freak people out and they run away #or get freaked out that i have so many feelings or thoughts about them so early in the relationship #it would help if anyone i ever have had a friendship with would reach out to talk to me consistently/ at all #or do i seek people out who lean towards disinterest when it comes to me as some kind of trauma response #and if so #does that make this my issue to fix? #am i doing something wrong? is that why people don't want to talk to me? #i try to hard to be pleasant and warm but it never seems to come across that way or be appreciated or acknowledged #so* #am i trying too hard? is that even a thing? society tells you that if you want something you don't have #you have to put forth the effort to obtain it #so what's wrong with putting in the effort with friends? #what's the fucking issue with me? #i always seem to end up getting on everyone's nerves and i always get fussed at even I'm trying my absolute hardest to be friendly and kind #now I'm actually crying #i so often feel like I'm some kind of freak or alien entity placed in human society as some kind of experiment #i so often feel that i don't belong here

[starscreaming666]

Looking back on Detroit become human in the wake of the ai craze is like. The most morbidly funny thing to me One of these days I have to write something on how the story of that game just gets HORRIFYING when you view it through a (more) modern lens. Man

#This definitely isn't an original thought but as someone who devoted way more time than I should've to dbh #I just wanna share what's going on in me brain #Like. About dbh #Horrible racism allegory aside. A corporation creating robots meant to replace human workforces while like. People still have to rely on #Employment to uh. Survive. Is genuinely a terrifying nightmare scenario and the thing that's funny to me is dbh just doesn't seem to know #This. Like at all #It doesn't even. Like I don't remember it taking a second to reckon with the way the working class is forced to interact with the world #And how introducing what we're seeing in 2023 (ai being used to replace artists in most cases) on a mass scale is just. Unfathomably evil #And the game doesn't examine like. The corporation behind all of this at all. Like Cyberlife (from what I remember. Which isn't much) is #Effectively PASSIVE in the game. It's just like. Neutral robots and good humans vs EVIL humans who uh. Don't want to be homeless. I guess #Like you're not gonna even. Say a word. About the company willing to let this happen. Like this game has hundreds of scenarios and not a #Single thing that examines how a corporation effectively sentencing people to death for money is fucked up #You don't even need to incriminate the androids for this one man. #I don't know :) like there's a lot wrong with the game but it gets so much worse looking at it now #My thoughts are so disjointed man I just have words floating in me head that bounce into each other sometimes #Sorry about the rant! I'm scared of making this an actual post so it's tags now #Dbh #I think that was my tag for Detroit posts. I just want to sort it :') #rant in tags #Hope everyone's having a good day! :3 I'm sitting here thinking about robots :)

[rainbow-sparks]

I saw Jay's playthrough of Sally Face today and it made me remember how much I love this game, so I drew Sal :))!!

#seriously I just ahafgz I'm going to be so annoying about this game now I'm sorry (lying) #(everytime I say/read/etc the word seriously I read it in Ocean's voice when she's singing What The World Needs omfg) #his hair looks like that because........uhmm #cute :33 but also I just..can't draw straight hair :// #in pigtails specifically. idk why it just two ponytails so I don't know WHY I can't... #my dad is saying I HAVE to go to school or he won't pay the wifi bill uhmm apparently it 2 months behind?? uhh yeah...? oof guess I'll #fucking kms instead because if I have to be at that DAMN HIGHSCHOOL AGAIN #I am only a freshman and I already wanna bash my head into the desk #MY GYM TEACHER DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY FUCKING NAME #AND I have to deal w/ shitty fucking allergies on top of that because my mom SUCKS and I didn't think to grad the medicine when I was #leaving yesterday morning mostly cause her BITCH ASS EX WAS THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM (that's connected to the kitchen; where the medicine #was) because she can't kick him out and she has work so she need him there anyway because free babysitting because she had this stupid #fucking kid with him 4 years ago :// #what am I talking about??? #sorry for ranting babe hehe <3 back to being a silly little guy ^^!! #so my friend wants me to play D&D with her and her other friend (idk who they are?? she never told me their name) #so that's cool :) #anyway I listened to Sanity Falls again I fucking love those songs god Idk y I stopped listening to these what was wrong w/ me damn :DDD!!! #gonna queue a few post so they go up while I'm either asleep or at school #probably school cause my dad said if I'm asleep he'll beat me awake :/ so yeah...not new whatever :/ #can't even complain; cause according to my parents it isn't abuse to hit you're CHILD and they had it worse so stfu and I hate you' like #WTF WAS THAT? BRO?? ughh like okay yeha I get it I've been out for a bit but like...really? has Hitting use worked EVER? no? THEN WHY ARE #THEY STILL DOING IT??........ugghhh fuck #night dude :p #omfg I ranted to much I forgot to tag #sally face #sal fisher #sally face sal

[izzy-b-hands]

idk what I'll do for tomorrow, but after my call with mum Housemate and i are gonna do something fun to make up for today

#text post #i say as such meaning i want to make up for the day bc i had to start work right away and im prickly rn #even tho im trying very hard not to be with friends and family bc y'all are trying to be kind and helpful to me #and i don't wanna take the angry brain out on anyone else #so tomorrow maybe I'll see if i can start dinner early even or clean something or #find a movie for us to watch that we haven't seen yet idk but SOMETHING #in addition to finishing and posting au-gust stuff bc i feel guilty that I'm behind on it now #this is with the edible kicking in in case anyone is wondering how that part of things is going aosjkdjttnyn

[born-to-lose]

Aggressively promoting the bar where I work on all my social media

#i'm reposting the job ad everywhere on instagram and facebook etc etc we're not nearly enough people #next month is fucking packed for me i only got 11 days in november without any kind of appointment #i agreed to take over five shifts instead of the usual three bc i don't have a regular job yet so i can still do that to help #(and also hoping i can get some more free weekends in december so i can go christmas market hopping) #but i'll def attend the st nicholas day party which will double as my birthday party since i don't have anyone else i'd wanna spend it with #anyway pls before covid they were 12 people and now we're 6 😭😭 if you exclude the boss' mom who usually only works wednesday and thursday #sometimes the boss himself works behind the counter too but only if he's not the dj or if there's no concert #sometimes even his dad or wife and one of my coworkers can't work much rn either bc her son has cancer and she can't plan too far in advance #for anyone who doesn't live here i'm still promoting it for cheap international glam concerts. paunchy cats. you gotta have been there #mel talks

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

ah well gosh hi???

in what i said was gonna be a one day break from, well, life tbh, i seemingly realized that i don't just have school coming SOON, but that i wasn't prepared to wake up at 2pm to find out i only have a few days left of total free time not spent struggling and stressing out over exams of all things

so like any average person i went and made plans with friends to hang out and get my mind off of everything- and while it was good while it lasted, i really wanted to be, yknow, clear

i have artworks at the ready, and if i ever become desperate enough to start getting a hang on drawing with a mouse all the time i might as well, but as things stand i really do not know what the heck i am doing-

i'll try my hardest to at least look for a way to fix the pen cause that's just the most important and expensive part of the damaged stuff, but i'm thinking the cable is perma-broke so i'll have to look for a way to replace it

to cut right to the chase: i have some art i can post. but i dunno when, if, or which to post because most of them have some context that i would've normally been all too eager to explain, but as things stand? man i don't think i could muster the energy to try

so? i dunno yall- i mean i could start writing again? i've entertained the idea long enough and this might be just the opportunity to finally get some practice without getting distracted by drawing :'D

i could do small stuff with a mouse if i feel like sharing some art, but the illustrations? i feel like i can only post those once i feel a bit more alive mentally and physically to interact with others without feeling so drained all the time (but knowing that school's coming, i can't really promise anything :'))

thanks a lot for the sweet words and patience guys- it means a lot that you won't immediately, idk, ditch this blog once you realize i might not post much if not at all (hopefully not gosh) for an undetermined amount of time? you really made me realize this wasn't as bad as my mind's been pushing me to think,

so trust me i WILL bounce back and reblog stuff and have entire essays in your tags eventually- i just need to stop feeling like it has to be today, or tomorrow, or any days afterwards, just that it will happen when i feel like it<3

#rambling #delete later? #it feels so funny to get bothered by something that would be trivial to future me in like...idk a year? #i'm not as upset as i thought i'd be too- just mostly numb i guess.. #also the reason why i can't bring myself to post the artworks i had- can i really talk about how much fun i had drawing them? #when i'm barely wrapping my head around the fact that i can't no more? and for an uncertain amount of time where i'll be too busy #too tired and too short on money to even think about drawing in the first place? i don't think i wanna get used to that but well #if there's one thing i can take from these vacations is that while you guys can't see it i really did have fun improving on my art #and gosh do i love what i'm doing so much that i personally wouldn't mind if it were just for me alone to see #but after sharing my ideas and works into the wild and watching people gather around to share ideas back- #i can say i like my art and the why is because it makes me happy! and it apparently does for you guys too so why not share! >:) #i also guess one of the reasons i'm not as active is cause of the whole need to compose myself and find the time to breathe and enjoy #the works of the others and mine and think of ways to express my feelings to everyone #and trust me sometimes i wish i could just write nothing and post/reblog- but it feels so empty #if i wanted to do that i'd make another account #no i want to talk about what i love with y'all and if i start rambling well no one's complaining! #if i see something made with the thought of me behind it then ain't no way in hell i'm not climbing rooftops yelling how much i love it #so if i somehow don't do that then i'm either too busy to even check tumblr- dead- or doing even worse somehow- so nothing against you! #guess i had that on my mind for a while now so please! i'm not ignoring you on purpose! i'm probably too wrapped up in my stuff to react #same for asks btw i am not joking there's so many and i live in constant shame xD :') #if you made it this far i am so sorry for yet another long post but i feel it's justified a little x) goodnight everyone! have a nice day<3

[because-its-eurovision]

.

#no need to read or react just needed to rant about my brain a bit #the next two weeks are supposed to be super exciting with BC giving us a new look and song and music video #it's umk week and my favorite for once has historically great odds of winning and a good chance to do well at eurovision as well #I'm going to see umk live with my dear sister and stay at a hotel so it's like a mini-getout and then I'm going to stockholm and oslo gigs #this is supposed to be best times of the year so far but my brain decided we can't have any of that :) #last year at this same time I got hit hard with depression and the anxiety I've always had got even worse #it got to the point that nothing made me happy or feel anything at all and I just cried all day for weeks #everything about UMK night was blurry and sad because I wasn't talking to my bestie who I've watched eurovision with for 10 years #I just started crying during the Dark Side/ Bad Idea opening and the results felt like nothing #I'll always assiociate Bad Idea with my depression because it was playing on the radio in the nurse's office when I got my meds #anyway I can feel that same darkness crawling back to my brain right now and I'm very scared #my brain decides I don't deserve to be happy and screams about how unloveable and ridiculous and embarrassing and ugly I am #it isn't helping that Joel keeps reposting the most model-looking tiktokers because I always feel a hot gush of shame run through me #and everytime I see a pic of any of their blonde skinny young gfs I just wanna kms #now it's gotten to a point that the voice in my head yells at me that I don't deserve Bc or their music and I should cancel my gig trip #because they wouldn't wanna see a disgusting cow myself being so near the stage not to mention ask for a pic or autograph #and I should just hide in my apartment forever #and everyone who has ever been nice to me is either doing that out of pity or making fun of me behind my back #I can't take this anymore #delete later

[blujayonthewing]

my mom:

me, does not and has never professionally offered book illustration or comics, has been so kicked in the dick by Mental Illness™ since [checks notes] 2019 that I’ve been turning down inquiries for the kind of commissions I do do and even my personal work for fun has been spotty at best:

#I'm not WORRIED like... she's been Like This for forever nobody's gonna take her up on it so it's not worth even saying anything to her #literally don't even know how to approach it without feeling like an ingrate shooting down her well intentioned hype-up #but also like the SPECIFIC context of me being like 'hey guys I don't do enough art to even wanna feel like I'm asking for money' #'but I just wanna make sure you know you can follow patreon for free to see my art if you want to no pressure just fyi 👉👈' #and sharing THAT like 'MY DAUGHTER WILL ILLUSTRATE YOUR ENTIRE BOOK' dude no the fuck I won't :'D #she's trying to hype me up! she's trying to be helpful and supportive! but she's also putting words in my mouth!! stop that!! #I have a friend who asked about a commission I am afraid to even check how many months ago that I'm still behind on doing #(I was thinking about not charging him to begin with and I sure as hell am not gonna now lmao but I still intend to DO it in theory) #and like even being as nonconfrontational about it as [polite cough] I'm actually not accepting commissions right now #would just invite oh but why NOT your art is so BEAUTIFUL you should be SELLING IT etc #ANYWAY all the Nuance is a moot point when at the end of the day 'my daughter will make your comic book' has simply never ever been true #I know she has absolutely no context for HOW MUCH fucking WORK that is but I DO which is why I don't! do it!! lmao!!! #about me #irl frens #posts from facebook #my art