#I'm still isolating because of my family

[felucians]

being middle eastern means it's controversial to be against the bombing of your home and the genocide of your people.

#i'm perpetually scared and angry #it's led to sheer exhaustion #so i cannot even begin to feel an inch of what my family is feeling in egypt #or what palestinians yemenis lebanese syrians and more are feeling #i've mainly posted my activism on the accounts where it matters and i have the highest numbers of reaching people (instagram #but still even with donations (at the very start of october) and boycotts - it feels so fruitless #it's isolating #and i can't even word it properly anymore #i can't separate myself from my people anymore despite my gratitude and privilege #i bleed with them i cry with them i ache with them #and it is not enough #because middle easterners aren't allowed to suffer #we aren't allowed freedom #this is 'just what we deserve' #and i just want to scream #that we are people too #We are human too #vent

[futuretrain]

having kara zor-el thoughts today about her getting out of her ship, and she does not yet know what she is doing so years after she was supposed to. she is trying to focus not on what she's lost, but what she still has, and her first thought is "kal can't sleep without a lullaby, i need to find him and sing him to sleep, he must be so scared and alone" because she is scared, she is alone, she wants nothing more than for someone to sing her to sleep, but it will never happen again, and if she amounts to anything now that the future she was supposed to have is gone, she will do it for her little cousin, who will never even know krypton if not for her

but her cousin is not the little baby she used to babysit, he is a grown adult, older than kara is, and she wonders how the people who took care of him got him to sleep without knowing the kryptonian lullabies he was used to (how will she sleep now?), how quickly kal adapted to the lullabies of earth instead (did he forget the sound of his home entirely?), or who she would have to sing to sleep now that kal-el doesn't need her (who can she ever share with? will she forget, too?)

#yes i'm reposting this off my twt so what #anyway you can assume i am always internally screaming about kara zor-el. i have SO many thoughts about her #the fact that she was created as a joke and her creators (also as a joke) had clark put her in an orphanage- #is of course a moment of 'hehe haha look how ridiculous silver age comics were' #but it also unintentionally sets the mood for her entire character because the one person she knew leaving kryptop she could still have #is now forever lost to her and the version of him she meets is someone else. they are isolated from each other #there's of course a lot of exploration of clark's guilt and hope and disappointment and everything else about krypton #but i'm so much more interested in kara's. she left believing she had to keep her home alive on another planet and share it with others #and she arrives to a world completely different. she meets clark and loses her family all over again because he is her family but he isn't #and there have been attempts to explore this isolation but imo they always feel just so quick and kinda cheap #this is something that will always be a problem for them. this will always stand between them because they are essentially two foreigners #to e/o. but they are also family. and it's a sliding scale which side of the equation they fall to on any given day but it will persist #running circles around my room thinking about kara idk #superman #supergirl #supers #kara zor-el #ń txt

[non-un-topo]

Feeling that weird ambivalence between gender angst and gender love again, so I guess that means I'm almost back to normal

#covid leave my body now pleeeeeaaase #i feel totally lucid and normal just stuffy. i'm still testing positive and kind of gross so i'm still isolating. #you know what though. i have the mightiest need to go to a disco. maybe for NYE. #yet another reason i love living in a big city -- disco parties !!!!!!!!!!! #i missed my support group last week because of covid and i'm SO SAD i hope i can go tomorrow #bc i need to talk to some folks about the possibility of starting hrt without telling family ahaha... #because uhhh. that sure is a decision. can pretty much count on my mother being genuinely pissed and hurt. #not because of the hrt but because i didn't tell her. #but like.......................... her behaviour in the past is exactly what's making me want to go through with this without telling famil #burn me once etc #anyway i'm just listening to abba gold for the millionth billionth time and having a great time

[kidfoundonstreets]

mom may possibly take technology away again so watch out for that.

#she can do that. itll suck so much but ill still be alive at the end #but if it is to roi then im scared. its all my fault because i talk too much. #im so sorry roi im the worst brother ever #its all moms fault #i cant stop thinking about stabbing a knife into her nefk #but i have to appeal to the sympathy still left in her so her twisted logic is softer #'im sad because i love you' 'im taking t away because its the problem of everything if i could disconnect everything i would' #'i dont believe in privacy. i wish you wouldnt always act like I'm invading.' #'i wish you wouldnt isolate yourselves so much.' 'when you're older and im dead you'll wish you talked to me more.' #'im already talking to your dad about taking away your stuff. even if you don't talk to me and hate me for it #you'll be alone and not talking to strangers on the internet. i cant believe you trust them more than your #own family.' years of us shutting you out huh. years of you judging us for everything we do huh. years of yelling huh. years of forcing cha #s to be read and scrolling scrolling through everything even when we sobbed and told you not to huh. wondering why we don't trust you. #every lie i say makes me sick to my stomach. i hate you mother #negative

[hjemne]

I've been... Absolutely normal? After this breakup with the person that I really genuinely wanted to spend my life with.

It happened Friday night, I cried most of the night and a little on Saturday but then something just shifted and I've been like 99% fine and normally and happy since then? The only time the sadness has really hit me since has been thinking about how upset my (dying) grandma will be that she won't be able to know my partner. But otherwise? I got horrendously drunk on Saturday night, had tons of fun and was fine with a guy low-key flirting with me. Since I got thru the handover and sleepiness on Sunday I've been utterly normal, getting on with work, reading romance and enjoying it rather than being sad or jealous etc. The main stressor has been the number of deadlines I've had this week and trying to manage my parents' reaction and reassure them I'm fine.

It's not that I'm complaining I've not been truly and utterly crushed by the heartbreak, but I'm just weirded out by this reaction. I'm worried I'm bottling it all up and it'll explode later or that this is me sliding back into depression, but I'm still enjoying things and it doesn't feel like depression? Like have I actually reached that level of emotional maturity that I've dealt with everything (or most things) already?

He decided about a week ago that he didn't want to go through his early twenties having to factor someone else into his life plans. I understand it, I respect his decision, acknowledge that there's no use in trying to talk him out of it, appreciate the fact he told me as soon as he could in person so we ended the relationship still loving each other rather than growing apart and resentment building. I really can't stress how I've never loved or been loved by anyone like with him before and that he has been the most important person in my life for four years. Accepting that the life we were planning together has gone has seemed to happen so easily and it feels like something must therefore be wrong. It's helped that we haven't seen each other in person and haven't currently got plans to I guess because I think it's going to really hit when I can't be physically affectionate like before. But even with the distance I still just can't understand why I'm feeling so nothing about this. He brought up that he might want to break up in March and I cried far more than this. Have I been emotionally checked out of the relationship since then without realising? Am I just bottling stuff up without realising? I just wish I knew

#im very used to being alone #even during the relationship we were long distance for most of it and i was living by myself or with emotionally distant family #and last month i moved in with 3 friends and with uni starting I'm able to socialise more even though i still prefer to be alone a lot #so maybe its the fact that i dont feel so isolated that's helping? #even when we lived together i only really had my now ex around to turn to for friendship #also with university im so so overworked but it gives me structure #so im with friends and have a purpose #which is maybe whats holding me together #i think i did process a lot of this after we nearly broke up in march #i said to him months ago that I ultimately want him to be happy and if he decides that its not with me then ill hate it but accept it #i am also on a lot of adderall lmao #switched prescriptions today #anyway even if im slightly scared everything is going to explode out of me one day #i am still proud with how im handling this #i could have been so vindictive during the break up but i knew thatd only hurt him and that i dont want him to be upset #so i wasnt #there were a couple of times i said stuff that i could have left unsaid like how i had our anniversary card already written and in our desk #and i think part of me did want him to hurt at that but mostly because i wanted him to see how much i was? still petty I know #but also i think I'm allowed a bit of pettiness when im being dumped pretty much out of nowhere #idk man #its not bad necessarily its just weird #we said we'd talk on the weekend so the first convo post break up wouldnt become a Thing of who would blink first or whatever #and i want him to know im alright but i don't want it to seem like im bragging or that it means the relationship meant nothing to me #like hey I've lost the most precious thing we had together and actually it seems im fine without it #i really really hope hes feeling a similar way #our friend and my housemate went to visit him yesterday so hopefully hes let him know im coping fine so he doesnt have to feel guilty #i dont want him to be alone in a new house full of strangers and heartbroken #ive been telling our mutual friends to look after him and saying they really really really shouldnt take sides or anything in this #and i dont like thinking of him being sad and knowing there's absolutely nothing i can do rn to help other than giving him space #rambles

[anthropwashere]

This is not a stress vent but a petty vent but could it kill my roommates to let me know when they’ll be gone a whole week BEFORE I text them totally unrelated questions?????

#like yeah sure go ahead keep fucking my ex-husband who's actually legally still my husband because we got re-married to buy another house #honestly no longer fussed about that #but like. there was ZERO indication either of you were leaving for a week! #a week! #right after the pipes exploded and the house has all kinds of new damage to deal with! #i literally only know they're gone (together!) to visit ex-hub's family #because i asked him if if i could unplug the heat/vent thing he was using to dry out the kitchen #and because i asked her if should check on her horribly neglected hamster #and after i asked him if she was working or visiting her family too. when he meant HIS family #thursday she said #check on it thursday!!! #that poor little creature lives totally isolated in a spare room nobody enters except to make sure it's still alive #why the fuck did she get a hamster in a house that had 5 cats at the time and now has 6 because she bought another! #i have no goddamn clue what my ex-in-laws thing about me or this new fling who is ELEVEN years younger than ex-husband #apologies to anybody who followed me in-between vent cycles #i'm having a goddamn week

[getougender]

Why do many people think Gojou didn't get real love in his childhood, no real affection until Geto? Shoko's rarely a part of these talks. Where was it shown or even implied that Gojou had a bad or boring childhood? He was only shown to be a cocky child aware of his strength and position, that says nothing inherently bad about his family. We don't even see his family? Maybe he was pampered, maybe he was spoiled normal amount, maybe his family is the one that taught him to be rebellious there's so many possibilities besides copypasting generic sad shounen past. He wasn't a completely different man until Geto came into his life, he didn't turn 180° just for Geto.

yeah, shouko definitely gets ignored a lot in, like, every conversation about gojou's past---gojou had/has friends! getou just happened to be his best friend, but even that, and his character development, did not happen overnight.

while it was never stated explicitly that gojou had a bad childhood, given the major clans' general track record with their ideas of child-rearing, gojou's childhood probably wasn't...great. i don't think it was bad! he wouldn't have been abused the same way maki, mai, or touji were, and he probably wouldn't have had the issues surrounding duty and parentage that noritoshi does, but i don't think it was good, either. iirc your cursed technique manifests when you're about 5-6 and he's 1) the heir to the gojou family and 2) the most powerful sorcerer born in centuries; his power would have been (is) coveted and while he'd had a shit-ton of responsibility piled onto his shoulders, he's probably also been on that pedestal cementing him at the top for almost his entire life. people generally regard him with awe, fear, or jealousy/disdain, and most of that is dripping with respect that keeps him at an arms' length. we're not sure if that applied to his family, but because the clans tend to value tradition and respect pretty highly, it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that they didn't make a huge effort to be super close to him, which, okay, objectively speaking, is kind of understandable, between the latter bits about tradition and because the idea of having an elementary schooler who can and is actively being trained to blow people to pieces just wandering around your house is a tad unnerving.

gojou being isolated from basically everyone else is a recurring subject, but he still would have absorbed the ideas about what it means to be strong and a sorcerer's role in relation to nonsorcerers. we see what he thought about these as a teenager in the beginning of his flashback arc and the ensuing argument with getou, but even though he obviously outgrew these ideas, he had to get them from somewhere. plus, some big parts of his personality---difficulty with relating to others and taking personal issues seriously (he can absolutely take things seriously, but he doesn't talk much about Stuff That Bothers Him except occasionally mentioning homicidal rage and he doesn't have a lot of tact when it comes to other people's problems, like not knowing what to do about getou spiraling before it was too late and people started dying and responding to yuuta's "the only reason i'm alive is because rika is physically preventing me from killing myself" with "okay, yikes"), how he handles the corruption in jujutsu society and the tendency for kids to get brutally murdered is to simply Train The Child Soldiers To Be Better And Intimately Aware Of Current Societal Flaws, and his tendency to sniff out young sorcerers and try to protect them from growing up too quickly like he did are all traits that he's developed and been changed by over the years but are still rooted, most likely, in how he was raised.

also, while he is definitely very privileged, i'm not entirely sure that he was spoiled, necessarily? i think entitled is a better word for it, and it was much more apparent as a teenager. he's a rich kid who's been told he's Destined 4 Great Things and he knows it's true because it's been painfully obvious his whole life, but! but!! though part of that mindset changing is probably due to growing out of it and seeing what the world is like, a lot of it had to be because of getou, shouko, and to a smaller degree, yaga. when they meet in high school they all treat him like Just Some Kid---a very powerful kid, but a kid nonetheless, and especially like a kid who's chewing gum open-mouthed and very loudly in public just for the sake of being obnoxious. yaga is his teacher and most immediate authority figure who generally treats his antics with exasperation. his new classmates can keep up with him in terms of personality and/or abilities: shouko and getou are very straightforward with what they think of him and have absolutely zero problems with calling him a bitch to his face, and not only are he and getou evenly matched, but shouko is one of the very, very few people who can do something he can't (at least at the beginning) because she has a reverse cursed technique. and neither of them were brought up the same way that he was! getou probably didn't even know who he was at first!

how infuriating.

how refreshing.

#ANYWAY yeah i agree that he didn't go 180 just because he met getou #it was a slow-burn development BUT i don't think he has a great relationship with his family #familial love is a complicated thing but i think he was probably pretty isolated in general. still is tbh #also i am SO SORRY this took 10000 years to answer a lot of stuff happened #exams. graduated high school. visited family. Everything Was Happening so i wasn't super active or coherent but!! here it is #and here are my Thots on the subject #gojou satoru #jjk spoilers #maybe? #getou suguru #ieiri shouko #suicide mention #asks #riko.txt #alright i'm not looking at this anymore. send tweet

[viiinz]

rant incoming, see prev post (transphobia tw)

#i didn't want to add on to the prev post but yeah that kinda hit home #i came out as trans to my parents about 2 months ago #i was so scared to tell them for years exactly because of what prev post was talking about #i had no idea how they'd react #and then when i finally told me they said they needed time #which sure i understand that #and the first week they still talked about it but in this way that felt like i was the cause of all their suffering #and why would i do something like that to them? #and you're not really going to mutilate yourself are you (meaning medically transition)? #and you can't expect us to use different pronouns for you that's ridiculous #and how dare you even think about changing your name etc #and they say it's because they're worried about me #because what would other people think? what would the family say? #and surely no one will ever fall in love with you if you're trans #they think I'm purposefully setting myself up to be isolated from society forever #meanwhile they are the only one's who've reacted this badly #so that was all said the first week so naturally after that i was scared to bring it up again #and they haven't really talked about either since then #except for the way my mom keeps suggesting i dress more feminine and keeps buying me clothing from the female section #and send me pictures of girls with pixie cuts when i told her i wanted to change my hairstyle a bit #and during Christmas dinner my grandma brought up someone who I don't know who came out as trans #and spoke about how that person's mother or grandmother had reacted badly #and my mom was defending the transphobic person in that story #while i was sitting right there!! #meanwhile my aunt and grandma (who don't know I'm trans) where definding the trans person #and i just urgh like i know it's not easy for them but they just make me feel so guilty like I'm somehow ruining their lives #and i feel stupid for wanting that unconditional love and support from my parents #like they'll say they love me but it feels so hollow when they won't even acknowledge this major part of me #and i really just don't know how to feel about it all #vince talks

[sibelin]

so i went home only to spend halloween mostly alone, freaking out about still being sad and going back to work on wednesday....

#deleted the last one because it was melodramatic. #anyway i took a few minutes to understand why i am feeling all of this today #and i think going home and realizing that i am still incredibly lonely here is what made my day difficult #i really thought going home with my family and celebrating halloween like i always did would instantly fix me or something #that said i'm dumb because my solution to everything is isolating myself further <:o) #which is why i left like 5 discord servers....clown move fr #anyway ty mutuals who still try to cheer me up or like my vent posts so i don't feel like i'm invisible <3

[minimoll7]

Its weird to think about how if I were truly honest with my friends, they’d probably all hate me

Just learned there’s a limited amount of tags you can put in a post lmao I went into more detail in the tags. I don’t remember everything else but I can at least complete the part that got caught off. Which is “to send a message I just freeze”

#molly vents #i know this is literally out of no where for me to post #but i think about it constantly #i've been isolating myself from most of them as a result #(tho i'm still dealing with bad social anxiety and exhaustion as well) #(really hoping i can get help on that) #(someone who's been coming to my house to help me learn important skills) #(recommended some therapists/counseling that specializes in autism) #(so maybe that'll start getting me the help i need in that department. anyways) #i've been sticking with people i know irl as a result #tho i've lost all my irl friends #nothing bad happened tho those friendships just faded but it was for the best sadly #its really just been family and some workers #i only really talk to one (1) online friend #sometimes another #i feel so bad all the time because i NEED to stop neglecting my friendships #and its not like i have to be honest about this thing this post is vaguely referring to right away #like i just need to get back to just being a normal fucking friend again who knows the meaning of 'respond to messages' #and then i could jump into this #its a serious topic but i don't want to dump it on people i barely talk to anymore #i'd like to build the friendships back up first #but i'm just so scared like all the time #maybe my anxiety is just bad and it won't be a big deal but i seriously doubt it #i miss my friends and they're right here but yet i don't say anything #it haunts me all the time #like i get it i've got this topic i'm scared of and i went through an abusive friendship #and abuse can take a long time to heal #but i'm just sitting here doing nothing #its like there's this weird barrier in my mind like a mental wall #my friends haven't done anything wrong and i want to talk to them so badly but every time i open up a message

[samsrowena]

just got the call that someone from the party this weekend has covid so. i guess we'll see what happens in the next week or two 😑😑😑

#me social distancing wearing masks getting vaxxed/boosted and still isolating for three years straight finally getting to go out and now... #why are people so fucking inconsiderate like i know SO many people who refuse to tell people when they know they're sick/not feeling well #and especially to still do this type of shit in a pandemic??? tf is wrong with you #anyways. i am glad i don't have to see my family again for a while because i'm still mortified i drunkenly came out so aldkfkjfdl #prayer circle we don't get covid though fr 🕯️🕯️🕯️ #a.txt

[nephiliam]

Ngl i feel like I'm on the brink of a mental break down from everything thats gone on for the past two months and jesus fucking christ do i wish i wasn't right now

#vent on main #complete isolation from everyone i know because of bullshit phone internet #not having anything to do that wasn't stuck being in the house or going shopping for things i have no space for #not being able to hang out with my fp or go over to see them bc of stuff getting in the way #and then the jeanette mccurdy audiobook hitting several triggers in me that sets off the biggest trigger #so now I'm just clutching my bear i got on my fps bday bc my trauma brain is convinced events are repeating and- #me visiting my sisters will cause the 'eventual' fall of our friendship bc that happened with my last friend i had but theres no real- #connection to that past trauma and me staying with my sisters but boy howdy do i feel convinced bc I'm anxious!!!! #I'm miserable right now and i feel terrible for it bc I'm with family i haven't seen in 2 years and my fp reassured me everything is okay #but i still cry and panic and hyperventilate #i hate this i can't even tell if I'm being too dependent or if this is smth i need intense comfort on #GOD

[iintervallum]

I hate the dismisal of online lgbt spaces as not as important as in real life or what goes on within the spaces as not that bad, because for me at least, I don't have anyone I know in my area that I can talk to about being lgbt, and I'm relatively scared of selectiviely outing myself to find more people, because i really wouldnt want it to get back to my parents somehow.

My point is, online spaces are very important as a point of connection for the many of us that have no one irl, and I hate how any serious method of discussion gets turned into discourse. like people saying there is a severe amount of lesbophobia, biophobia, transmisogyny and racism in the community are not picking fights. we're trying to make this space better because for some of us its all we have! so please, do better.

#aster.txt #kind of a vent more than anything because its frustrating and i'm getting both nostalgia for the past and derision for it #there were two people i did know in my HS that are lgbt but they both moved to canada for uni #one of them is a total sweetheart and I miss talking to her so much #like they were such a wonderful person to complain about our schools stupid rules #and how shitty gender roles are and how conservative indian parents suck #and last i saw shes transfem since they made a secret priv account with she/they pronouns and them wearing a dress as the first post #i hope she found people that they could connect to where ever she is now #the other is not so positive a story lol #she is the main reason why my self esteem issues went from not that good to very bad #like her mind games and the fact that she called me clingy as an attempt to get another friend to stop being around them was shitty #i isolated myself from other people for a long time becasue i thought i would just ruin things if i got too close and showed my personality #despite her doing that i didnt actually hate her until i found out what she did to a friend of mine #my friend was having family issues because her father had tyroid cancer and her “friends” including that person forced her to tell them #and that person had the gall to say that what she was going through wasn't that bad and she should stop making stuff about herself #after they forced her to open up #god i hated high school uni isnt any better but i'm glad its not high school #so many petty people because we're all teenagers going through our own shit and we're still figuring things out #i'm half thinking of just unfollowing a lot of them on instagram becasue they sucked but no i wont do that..yet

[anotheruntitledsong]

i did like the hidden palace but (SPOILER if anyone hasn't read it?) i'm genuinely so annoyed at how Arbeely is handled like... I wish i could be sad but i'm just fucking irritated. I was overly invested in him and that's def why but i just feel like they did him dirty

#the golem and the jinni #i was scrolling goodreads and the take i kept seeing was 'oh I wish Arbeely could've had his family too bad the jinni FUCKED IT UP' #but idk that's just not how i read him. like thats not where i feel the problem is #his whole shtick is being content as the jinni's foil and like! things can change! but the way it's done leaves him totally unresolved #which in turn means the jinni's shit is also never getting resolved because there is like no way to #when Arbeely describes his future family in the first book it's all 'someday... vaguely...' and AGAIN! what you want can change! #and honestly it's really interesting and sad that he makes this sacrifice for the jinni #but it's a layer of complexity that like clashes with how little he is there for and how little the author's invested in him #and like the way the no marriage literally did not ruin his life at all... sure it sucked but the man is still like idk rich #what has continuously fucked with him throughout both books is that he wants (or at least spends half his page time thinking about) #emotional connection to the jinni in a human way #which is something the jinni cant\wont give him even though he's basically Arbeely's only close friend #(besides ig maryam who was rlly funny hinting at her dislike for the jinni like someone trying to get their friend to dump their toxic bf) #anyway the vibe in the first book is that he only thinks about wanting a wife when the jinni is being a dickhead #BECAUSE the jinni eases arbeelys loneliness by just being there because at the end of the day that's what humans need #but then it's made really weird in the second book by Arbeely getting 'trapped' by the jinni (and yet they just grow further apart) #which means that the only thing arbeely actually spent half his life discontent with and then literally died without is not a wife #it's emotional intimacy with the jinni. which is insane to me #arbeely is obviously already tragic but this seems TOO tragic entirely because the book doesn't give af about addressing it #if it was like a plot thing then all of the above would be fine and gutwrenching because it ties back into the jinnis self isolation #BUT IT'S NOT. like i get arbeely isn't that important to the plot but he was important to the jinni and the jinni was important to him #alsoo necessarily disclaimer i'm not trying to say he's in love with the jinni or anything like that #although a queer arbeely (divorced from the above idea) would also been interesting cuz I dont think the jinni has a grasp on homophobia #so idk theyd be keeping each others secrets (arbeely x the biscuit man? JOKE) #BUTTTT! I don't believe he needs romantic energy! him and the jinni having awful vibes up until arbeely's literal death is what bothers me #The jinni is a bad communicator ik but come on... not once? not even before the diagnosis? The jinni also thinks about how distant they are #could they not talk a little? for me? there are ways to do it within the bounds of their characters FOR SURE #im sure this is the point but i do dislike it either way. anyway sorry arbeely u remind me of my uncle #the hidden palace

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #tumblr university #I put my tumblr degree to good use again today. a kid at work talks a lot about exercise and said an offhand comment about fat people #the usual “why do fat people not control themselves better and eat less?” opinion. which like. he's a cool guy. curious and active and kind #so I did my best to not jump on it sjw-style and kind of go at it slowly but still explain that like. you can't just change your default #culturally we recognize that skinny people have genetics that predispose themselves to being thin. #but then when we (general culture) talk about fat people it's “why don't you exercise more and eat less?” “why don't you control yourself?” #there's a hypocritical shift in how people talk about it. #I was like bro.. I can sit around and do nothing all day and eat my normal amount and not gain weight. my whole family can. #so there's clearly something different between people who weigh 250lb and people who weigh 120lb. #anyway. he kinda nodded and mused over it and asked a few questions and like. idk. this is something I learned on tumblr so it was cool #I like sharing information I learned here. it changed how I view people and I'm honored to be able to make that change in other people #I've learnt to be kinder here and spreading it outside of the isolated tumblr bubble is very fulfilling. passing it forward yaknow? #anyway. I'm still mad about my speech impediment because I deadass still wish I could be a teacher in some way #like. I love teaching people things. evolving someone's ability to interact with information and ideas. #giving someone a set of tools and sitting back to see what they do with them. how they solve a problem. I love it. #and I just. ugh. I love the little moments when I get to teach something I've learned to someone else #OH OH OH! I saw a really good parent today! she brought her daughter up to the self checkout registers and I was like “can I help you?” #but the mom was like “no. I want her to learn how to be a big girl” and so they walked up to the register and the kid scanned her stuff and #and then navigated to the “pay now” button and paused and her mom was like “remember to take your time and read the screen” and the kid fou #found the “cash” button and then fed the five dollar bill in and got her receipt and change and. . that moment made me smile so fucking big #like.... the mom being like “take your time” and just.. being there to show her kid how to do an important life task. I wanted to cry. #I just. idk. stuff like that is beautiful. I love working with people so fucking much. #like. idk. I detach really easily so I don't always care about people and human suffering or all that stuff. but other times? #other times I'm both feet flat on the ground rooted into the heart of everything that makes us beautiful social creatures full of love #and it's so beautiful and I feel so fucking lucky to be allowed to watch that moment. #I just. all I can do is smile and hope that my eyes reflect the magic I just saw #also a hoard of small goth middle schoolers came through garden each with their own succulent. they were lead by an older teen. #it was just. idk. cool. funny. this little posse of piercings and bleached hair and nightmare before christmas merch and intense enby vibes #I always hope I represent a future to kids like that. big obvious scars. heavy queer vibes. and a life I'm obviously living.

[murobrown]

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#it's Friday and I'm in my pyjamas since like 4 PM...what a life. #now my stomach decided to kill me so I just collapsed on the couch and then my brain started to be self destructive too and now I'm sad #feeling kinda lonely #i love isolating myself and solitude more than anything but sometimes I just want those small things #like someone who would take me for a walk like I'm a fucking dog #or watching movie not on my own #cooking or baking for someone #and I'm trying to get over it because I'll probably never get this stuff in my life #i miss being around my family because those are the only people i feel comfortable with #all friendships i have feel like chores or job interviews #i feel like I can't feel this connection with anyone anymore #i don't share same interests or opinions with my friends anymore #i don't have same life experiences as them #and it's still alright to see them from time to time but I just don't feel the need to be intimate with them #i mean intimate like vulnerable #and I don't fucking know how to make new friends when you're 25 and introverted and little ugly #and I don't even know if I want friends #i guess I need a pet that's all #no I think I just need less free time so that I don't have time to think those things #but you know what I'm still doing good like overall I'm happy with my life #i still feel so fucking grateful for everything i have right now compared what a mess it was just few months ago #not even speaking about one year ago #and two years ago doesn't even feel like me an my life anymore #it feels bad saying it but I'm proud of myself because I did this all by myself #I'm here doing good only because of myself #like I gave myself all this stuff i always wanted #I'm making myself happy for the first time in my life #for the first time in my life I don't fully hate myself... just a little :) sometimes #sometimes I can even feek sorry or forgive my past self but that's still work in progress #i don't know what am I saying anymore this is what happens when I'm with no chores or responsibilities for more than one hour