#It's ok to not pick a label or identity for yourself you dont need a word for what you are 😊 is my point

[hajihiko]

Happy pride month to the ??? of us 🖤

#It's ok to not pick a label or identity for yourself you dont need a word for what you are 😊 is my point #Ultimate Impostor #Hajime hinata #Sdr2 #Super danganronpa 2 #Danganronpa 2 #Danganronpa #An art #I have NO idea if they have a ship name #I just slapped some presentation looking stuff on that 1st pic dont ask me why x flag is or isnt there it means nothing

[chaotically-cas]

29 Things I Think Allistic People Need To Hear

From an autistic person

Not my usual content but I felt it needed to be said.

Saying “everyone is a little autistic” is really hurtful. Yes, everyone has their struggles but these struggles are far different for autistic people. Saying everyone experiences it is invalidating & harmful.

Being graded on eye contact & standing still is wrong. I’m pretty sure at one point or another we’ve had a project we were graded on & one of the grades was eye contact & not fidgeting. These things are extremely hard for autistic people & they are practically second nature. It’s like holding in a sneeze.

Stim & figget toys in schools. Of course fidget spinner’s & stim cubes can be bought & should be bought by anyone. If you want one, get one. But the way schools are banning them is crazy. They are very necessary for autistic people & it’s so much harder for them when schools ban their use.

QUITTTTT BABYING US!! We aren’t ‘uwu babies’. We are humans. We are perfectly capable of functioning without allistic people’s pity & looking down on us. We are our own people that don’t need a hand to hold in every damn situation. We aren’t cute because of it. 

Listen to autistic people. Everyone is all for advocating for people until that group of people want to advocate for themselves. So shut up & listen once & maybe you can learn something you didn’t know.

Creative writing in class is difficult. You don’t know how many bad grades I’ve gotten on because I can’t think of a good story out of my ass. It’s extremely hard for autistic people. Please give us a prompt it’s more helpful than you know.

Role playing in class. I think we’ve all had to do something where we research a famous person & have to assume their identity. This is again, so hard for autistic people. It’s hard enough for us to be ourselves. Most of us can’t understand these actives enough.

Slurs. Quit saying retard. It’s not an insult. It’s not funny. It’s offensive & every time you use it you’re hurting a disabled person & spreading harmful stereotypes. It’s not just a word. It’s not just a bad word. It’s a slur. Same as the f word or any other slur. Don’t use it.

People talking over us. No I dont mean just in conversations. Although that is another issue. I mean organizations like autism speaks that put words into autistic peoples mouths instead of letting them speak for themselves.

Stop making fun of our special interests. Whether you find anime cringey or think an adult loving Aladdin is childish just stop it. These things being extreme joy to us. They make us happy in a word that we don’t understand. So just leave us alone & let us be happy.

Don’t stare at us if we’re stimming. Especially in public. If you see me flapping my hands. Don’t stare. If you hear me humming quietly, don’t judge. These activities aren’t for your viewing pleasure. They’re for autistic people to regulate & express how they’re feeling.

Normalizing ableism. It’s so normalized. Whether it’s phrased like “suffers from autism” or how regularly ‘retard’ is used in classe; ableism is so often over looked especially by adults. There are no many micro aggressions they are just passed off as us not having a thick enough skin. When in reality it’s really damaging.

People first language. If you ever correct someone by saying “no, they’re a PERSON with autism. Not an autistic person”. Literally shut up. We’re autistic. We’re people. Being autistic doesn’t make us any less human so you don’t need to make it seem like it does. We’re still human no matter our disably. People don’t have to be reminded of this.

Using words like psychopath & sociopath. Calling autistic people these things just because you don’t understand us is disgusting. If you don’t understand these terms don’t use them. Just because we aren’t good at showing empathy in some cases doesn’t make us ‘psychopaths’.

Tone indicators. This is both the over use & not using them that’s an issue. Saying things like “/j /hj /sarcasm /srs /lh” all in one post defeats the whole damn purpose of them. & not using any at all especially when joking around or using sarcasm can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. It’s not that hard to use one or two at the end of a post. /srs

Picky eating. Literally stop making fun of autistic people for not liking a lot of foods or ordering the same thing at every restaurant. A lot of textures & flavors are very bothersome to autistic people. They can cause overstimulation or even panic. Just let us be. So I eat mac & cheese 4 times a week. I didn’t know it effected you so much.

“Ugh you’re so annoying you can’t ever get a joke”. No hearing that is what’s annoying. Tones are hard for us to understand so while most people pick up on it autistic people are more likely to read too much into it or take it seriously. It’s simple to use tone indicators in text or even to say “I’m joking”. It won’t make your joke less funny. It’ll just help us understand more.

Be specific if you want things from us. Don’t just say “hey I need a pencil”. Or “the dishwasher needs put away”. Most likely we’ll just be like, yeah, ok, and? Be specific please. Say things like “can I borrow a pencil?” or “can you undo the dishwasher?”.

Faces seeming to look weird. A lot of us having facial stims that can alter our faces. Whether it’s excessive blinking, eyebrow raising, or face scrunches. Don’t ask us what’s wrong with our face or what we are doing. For me, because of my facial stims & tics my eyes/eyebrows are permanently uneven. Don’t bring it up.

Classroom behavior charts are horrible. Autistic people don’t behave the same as allistic people. Simple as that. What they see as ok behavior, others don’t. & some times they don’t realize these behaviors will get them in trouble.

Police brutality. Especially in black or brown autistic people. It’s so common that people call the police on autistic people stimming in public because they are seen as dangerous. & when these autistic people can’t understand what’s going on or can’t make eye contact they are labeled as more suspicious. Especially black autistic people. Just look at Elijah McLean.

Feeling dumb. Especially in schools or other scholarly conversations. Some autistic people aren’t able to keep up or fully understand everything that’s being said or presented. Which leads to us feeling dumb. Give us time to process or aso questions please.

Feeling robotic. You’ve most likely heard autistic people being compared to robots at one point or another. Whether that’s for the impaired ability to establish empathy or something else it’s an extremely negative & hurtful stereotype. Especially in media.

Saying ‘I forgot’ is a valid excuse. There is so much going on in our heads. So much to process & remember. We forget things. Everyone forgets things. Especially autistic people. Please don’t yell at us for always forgetting to do the dishes. It’s not like we chose to forget.

The harmful effects of the vaccines cause autism jokes. Aside from the whole anti vaxers debate, perpetually the idea that we shouldn’t be vaccinated because it causes autism is disgusting. It’s treating autism like a disease. Like the person who has it isn’t worthy. Or that autism is so chronic it will ruin everything. It’s like people avoiding cheese burgers because it’s rumored they make you ginger. It’s preposterous. 

Yelling at autistic people for struggling to want to learn new concepts/concepts at all. This not only goes for in school but in just normal conversation. It’s hard for autistic people to grasp things they don’t have an interest in learning. So please don’t yell at us for not understanding everything about a band that we don’t care about, we would if we could. It might not seem like a big issue but it happens more than you’d think.

Intrusive thoughts. (Tw: rape mention & violence) Most of the time autistic people experience extreme spells of intrusive thoughts “omg he’s going to rape you image him raping you” or “stab yourself in the side right now” or much worse. & when autistic (and other) people try to talk about it they are labeled crazy or insane. It’s a normal occurrence to have these kinds of thoughts. We don’t want to. But they happen. That’s why they’re called intrusive.

Executive disfunction. This is basically when autistic people are views as lazy but we physically & mentally just can’t. Where tasks as seemingly simple as going to get a glass of water feels like a mountain to autistic people. It’s not that we are lazy. We physically & mentally can’t work up to it.

Class rank & graduation requirements are unfair. Autistic people socialize differently. It’s just a fact. Our brains work differently in classes & outside of it. We could be working our asses off to understand our English class book, but we get an F. Not to mention how most schools require community service hours to graduate. Yes community service is good but it can be very hard for autistic people.

Please feel free to add on but a lot of these are drawn from personal frustrations. Please listen to autistic & other disabled people more. All these also applies to those with ADHD/ADD or any other mental illness where the situations apply. You’re all valid & amazing.

I love you all. 💕

#autistic #actually autistic #autism psa #listen to autistic people #rant #the outsiders

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi, I think i might be fictoromantic... I'm really new to the concept, but I think it might describe me. I haven't been feeling attraction towards real people, but i dont know if that's because i dont really have friends to feel anything toward. With fictional characters, it almost makes me feel like theyre my friend and I may start to have a crush on them... but I dont know. If I am, im afraid to come out to people as that because I think they'll think I'm crazy. I'm just confused.

If fictoromantic works for you as a label and is what makes sense to you now you can absolutely use it. And if you’re not sure and think you may end up developing feelings for friends in real life in the future, it’s OK to go with fictoromantic for now but adjust or change labels in the future if something like that ever happens.

If you feel like you need that close connection to feel like friendship to develop attraction you can also look into demiromantic as a label. Which means someone who only develop romantic attraction towards people they have a bond with. And you don’t have to use it even if you think it’s possible you might fall under this too, but you can if you want to. Or even use both fictoromantic and demiromantic if you want to do that too. 

Other possibilities is you can go with vaguer labels. Aro-spec is available for anyone on the aromantic spectrum and you don’t have to specify your labels past that if you don’t want. A-spec is similar just broader. Aromantic can also be used as a synonym for aro-spec so you can use that one too if you want to. Gray-aro can be used by anyone who feels like they fall into that gray area between aromantic and alloromantic, and is used a lot by aro-spec people who still experience some romantic attraction.

These broader labels can also work well if you’re worried using a more specific label may not be taken seriously. You can also use different labels for different people. So for example you can go with fictoromantic with people who are more open minded/more educated on aro-spectrum identities and go with something like aro-spec for people who aren’t if you wanted to do that way. Or whatever you want to do, it’s your identity and you get to choose how to define yourself and to who.

Basically there’s a point where picking labels where you go with what makes the most sense for you and what you connect with the most. So ask yourself what would be useful, what would describe yourself how you want to be described, and what would you be comfortable with.

All the best, Anon. And good luck!

[ao731]

Ever since I was little, I’ve had trouble sleeping. At best I get 4 hours of sleep. And when I do get some REM sleep... my dreams are weird. I’m a believer that your dreams can tell you about yourself. But somethings...I think I’d rather not know.

I work in a hospital now. And as you would expect, its been stressful over the past year. Its caused me to have really intense stress dreams. With how absurd everything has been, sometimes when i wake up... i cant unravel what was real... what was a dream. Sometimes, I call out sick. Too disturbed.... just needeing a mental health day. So i figure i'll write it out here. Worst case, I get it off my chest. Best case, maybe someone can tell me what they think.

So last nights dream started in an apartment. Shaped like one i lived in as a kid. But with all the furniture and colors I’d enjoy as an adult. A pretty yellow kitchen table. A multi-colored rug. Big sailors chests and bigger sofa’s and beds. Cozy and lived in and warm. But I could feel it wasn't my apartment.I’d never been there. It felt so inviting and familiar but new and exciting. A place I wanted to be but hadn't had the chance before.

 I was invisible... sometimes this happens in my dreams. I'm watching from an audience perspective, but then it will switch to me being one of the "characters" of the dream. If I dont get to far into the dream. If its closer to one of those 4 hours of sleep days, then sometimes I can control it. 

So I’m invisible and I’m a man. I'm a bisexual cis-female irl but in my dreams I'm male sometimes. IDK why, I don't really stress my gender identity or sexuality much. Maybe I’m wrong about my labels but its w.e.. I dont try to change those things in my dreams. Sometimes I’m a woman, sometimes a man. Whats important is that usually in my dreams I’m fixing something. My waking life is always fixing something and it bleeds into the dreamscape. I realize that this is so unlike my usual dreams. There is no anxiety. No task. I’m just looking around this nice space and I’m at peace.

So I’m male this time and invisible. And I’m not the only one here. I realize there a man in the kitchen. I know him and I’m so happy to see him. I start watching my "boyfriend." But I don't have a boyfriend IRL. When I wake up later I will realize he looks like Kieran Culkin from Scott Pilgrim. I’ll find it strange bc I’ve never had a crush on him. Barely ever seen him. The last time I saw Scott Pilgrim, I was crashing at my sisters house. Nursing a New Year Hangover. We had drank wine and I hadnt had to fix a thing. Rare peace. When I’m awake I will think maybe that peaceful hungover feeling had something to do with it. That space of clinging onto a night of tingling skin and loose limbs and quietly watching a movie is why I’ve used this man’s face. 

So anyway, I’m invisi-stalking my boyfriend. Lets call him Not-Kieran. He's looking hella stressed. He knows I want to come over later to see him. Hes frantically cleaning. But in a way I’m comfortable with bc I come from a "We cant let anybody know we SIT" family yet we NEVER invite ppl over. Anyway, I’m watching him clean and I’m just so happy just looking at him. I’m amused at first that he thinks i deserve all the trouble of cleaning but then i start getting concerned for him. 

He's mumbling to himself. Smacking his palms against his head every so often. Apparently his coworkers and family are stressing him. Not-Kieran is not Out to them. This comes as a shock to me. It feels wrong hearing his secrets. But i stay invisible. i don’t choose this. i don’t have control over it. He wants our relationship to be more serious but cant tell anyone about me. he seems so upset and i want to comfort him. i don’t want to be invisible anymore but i cant become a character. Something is stopping me. Something does not want me to interfere. I can feel it in my chest. Something bad is going to happen. i stroke his face and tell him its ok. i love him and i don't need him to change things for me. i don’t want him to feel pressured. i want to tell him, that i just want him to be happy. but I’m nothing but a ghost to him.

Then Not-Kieran starts talking to someone at the door. I cant see them. But I know they are aggressive. I’m nervous and upset as they start to yell at Not-Kieran. From what i can make out they are saying he's becoming agoraphobic. How didn’t I realize this. Everything seems fine when we are together. But I have trouble remembering what together is really like. I just know for some reason this feels wrong. This feels surprising. The Man at the door knows something is wrong with my boyfriend. They know something before I do. How does he know when I dont. They know something is wrong with my boyfriend. But they don’t know what. They are tired of waiting to find out. 

They come inside and I still cant see their face. No. They dont have a face. Just a space where a face should be. A place I instinctively know I should not look at. They come inside and they are still yelling. Still aggressing by boyfriend. He’s accusing him of being sick. Or is my Boyfriend admitting he’s sick. I cant make sense of the argument. I get the impression that something is changing about Not-Kieran. He’s not physically different just something is dark in his eyes. Something is tilted in the way he holds himself. Something is sharp in the way he gestures with his hands. He’s not the gentle often worried person I know him to be. 

Then shit gets real.

Not-Kieran picks up a knife and stabs the Man Without a Face. He keeps going. There is blood everywhere. But there was blood there before. Why didnt I notice there was blood everywhere before. He wont stop stabbing him...then he stops using the knife....He starts using his hands....his teeth. There’s blood everywhere. My boyfriend is covered in this man’s blood and organs. He’s ripping into this man who knew something was wrong before I did. Then he stops. He stops and says “Oh not again” 

He pulls up the sunny yellow kitchen table cloth and theirs a body underneath. Warm. No. Not a body...body parts. He removes the cushions on the sofa and reveals more body parts. He doesnt open the chests. The freezer against the far wall. I know. I know whats in them. 

What happened to my boyfriend. I’m not repulsed by him. I’m not disgusted. There is blood everywhere but I keep trying to look in his eyes as he flutters around the room. Hands smack against the sides of his head. “Oh, not again...oh not again.” such a soft sweet voice. And why does it still feel like something bad is going to happen. That feeling in my chest. It wont go away. How could anything be worse then this? My boyfriend is a murderer. No, no. Something is wrong with him. Something changed him. I dont want to believe he could do this but his hands are covered in blood. I cant rub away the splatter across his cheek. The darkness has left his eyes but I know it could return. 

How can this be a surprise when somehow I know these old bones. Like flashes. Little movie clips, Sepia toned reels of eat part in the pile. Each person they once were. I know what he’s done. Know he’s been doing this for a long time. Somehow I know he eats them. Days after the kill, like a feral animal in the woods finding a carcass. Know the things he denies. He likes holding a piece thats cold against his tongue. He likes putting the pieces, the parts that used to be a person, into neat little piles and licking at warm blood. 

Until he remembers he’s a man. Until he remembers that something has happened to him. That he is diseased and he cant go out. Can’t go out and shouldnt invite anyone in. Ever. Until he remembers and he cries. The kind of cries that wrack his body. He pulls at his hair. Smears more blood across his cheek and he cries. Cries like a child. Wet and weak. Like his body is hollow and he cant stop. He cant stop crying he cant stop smearing blood. The blood is everywhere and it always has been.

His hair has grown out. It’s suddenly days later. I’ve never been invisible this long. Never been a ghost this long. Never had to witness someone else’s sins this long. Never been powerless to stop his hand from shaking. He’s sitting in a pile of body parts. Trembling, he chews on them. And lays them out into piles. Then changes the order of the pile again and again. Chewing, arranging, crying. I still want to tell him...It’s ok, I just want you to be happy. Maybe my body feels the horror, feels repulsed by him. Maybe my body is sick but I’m a ghost and I still love him.

He beings to speak again. Just the same small and sweet tone he uses with me. But he cant see me. Can’t feel me touch his face. He’s talking to someone else here. I turn and sitting on a chair is a corpse. Its dry and burnt black. Skin like a dehydrated mushroom. Yet wet in places like something pulled from a swamp. It’s hair is twisted and matted hanging limply around a shriveled face. Nude and yet it’s body is so barely recognizable. Was it a woman. A man. Maybe I’m not supposed to know. It has no hands or feet. Just gestures with its stumps as it answers him. It speaks to him so lovingly. I know this man...this creature...though I’ve never seen them before. They werent in the perverse reel of carnage and cannibalism. I know him anyway and I know they love him. Do they love him just as much as I do?

 They’ve been here the whole time. Saw him with the Man With No Face. Saw him with countless others. He’s been here the whole time. But I didnt see him. I didnt see the blood. I didnt see this man that loves my lover. But I get the impression that he’s seen me. That he sees me still. His eyes have no pupil no color. Just a midnight dark orb in a shrunken skull. But those eyes turn in my direction as he speaks to Not-Kieran. Speaks in a soft lovely voice. Soothes him til he stops crying and beings to clean up the piles that were ppl. Speaks calmly and warm as my boyfriend rubs blood off his cheek.

The Shriveled man in the chair knows I still love him. He knows I know his secrets now. Knows I will be by this afternoon just for the chance to touch his face.

#dreams #nightmare #horror #stories #original work #based on a dream i had #turned into something else #feel free to leave criticism #feel free to ask questions about the original dream #fiction #cannibalism #blood #kieran culkin #gender identity #gothic romance #stress dreams #potentially triggering #trigger warning #gore

[dog-teeth]

ik you’ve previously identified as a lesbian so i think you can relate to me on this? (i don’t wanna assume) but recently i’ve been thinking of no longer id’ing as a lesbian as i’ve done for years because truly, i don’t know who tf i’m attracted to. ik i like girls. i love girls, but do i hate the idea of being with guys and gnc people? i’m not sure. how did you come to terms w your identity and if you haven’t yet, what have you been thinking of it? my main concern is being wrong, idk what to do

yeah i relate big time. i dont use any labels for my sexuality online or irl except with my close trans friends, because to me i dont feel like other people need to know about my sexuality unless we are involved with each other or extremely close friends. all people want the general public to know is im queer. aside from that i dont think its anyones business. my gender and sexuality are very complicated, and i also have a very complicated relationship to romance and sex because of trauma and mental illness, and a single label cant capture all of that. so labels arent really for me right now. ill be attracted to whoever im attracted to and go from there (though i dont imagine it will ever be men).

labels are there to make you feel comfortable and to describe your feelings to yourself and to other people. if you dont have one, thats fine. if you arent sure who youre attracted to, dont feel pressured to pick a label. you shouldnt be concerned with being wrong. theres nothing wrong about using a label and changing it later. if you use a label and then use a different one later, thats ok, you werent “wrong” just because you learned more about yourself. i also think that, especially when youre young, labels can be fluid and change a lot. ive used a lot of labels over the years and will probably go through more, who gives a shit. just do what makes you feel comfortable. if thats using a label and changing it later, thats fine if thats not using a label until youre absolutely sure, or never using a label, thats fine too. dont stress too hard about it.

#ez answers #advice #Anonymous

[screwyourbinary]

aCK sorry to bother you but ive been questioning me gender for a bit (used to id as genderqueer lesbian although thats never felt Right like Ever) and then i went on a film trip for Skool and there was a Certain Guy there and i dont know what the FUCK emotion i was feeling & whether that was attraction or gender envy or whatever the hell but its been driving me Crazy since. do you have any advice on what gender envy vs attraction feels like, at least in your experience??

ok ok here’s the thing: of course these things vary from person to person, but in my case gender envy and attraction are closely connected. i haven’t touched this blog in ages and since then i’ve realized that my nb experience.... borders being binary??? like i identify as Not Quite male. also when i made this blog i identified as asexual, but things have changed and i now identify as bisexual. from what you described this was a singular experience which makes things kind of difficult when you’re trying to figure things out? like for me i had to eventually realize that every single person i’ve tried to emulate the appearance of was male, and that most of those people i also felt at least mildly attracted to. like i guess try and think about it like that if you can?? like “do i wish i looked like that?? do i want [insert romantic/sexual thing] with this guy??” 

i’m sure you know that gender and sexuality are just Difficult and can take years of questioning, but i just also wanted to add that you don’t need to use labels. like most of the agony i experienced during my questioning process was over the fact that none of the labels i tried felt right. i kept switching from label to label being like “maybe this one will fit better??” and sometimes i did have moments of like “oh this is a good label” but eventually i realized that my experience was more complex than any existing label and i didn’t want to confine it like that. no one is forcing you to pick a label for your gender/sexuality except yourself. i do use the terms “nonbinary” and “demiboy” very lightly for myself but i don’t make that the forefront of my identity because that’s not what feels comfortable for me. if you can find a label that feels right for you, that’s great, but just keep in mind that you don’t have to. you can just exist and acknowledge that you don’t have a typical gender experience. gender questioning is all about what feels comfortable for you. 

as for sexuality, i also know many people that choose not to label their sexuality, which is of course just as valid. try not to force a label! also, something i've noticed about my sexuality that i'll just throw in here, of course bi/pan are functionally the same but i wanted to just clarify that for me i don't feel attraction to all types of people since i don't tend feel attraction to particularly masculine people?? i am WEAK for feminine guys a lot of the time, which is also closely related to my own gender... i tend to tell cis people that i'm a feminine guy to oversimplify it. but yea the point i’m trying to make here is that you can use labels however the hell you want to use them. i experience attraction to people of all genders, but it gets more complicated than that under the surface.

anyways this was probably far too much information but i hope this helps anyways!!

#anon

[zeropointlydian-blog]

My purpose

So... This will be my FINAL rant about the so called "pinoy music scene” or “eksena” controllers and manipulator... And my final goodbye to social media.

Music should only be music. Not to be mixed with politics and theatrics. Its like this... Hey! Look at me.. Im proud to be a filipino. Or look at me im contreversial... Look at me im helping poor people by doing charity... So im cool. When deep down inside people are just using patriotism, charity trying to be "contreversially unique" to build up their "image". To you know.. Make them look good in the "scene". Its sad... Music... The real meaning of it is.... And whats left of it... Is labelled as Pinoy music scene.. People here just say they love music just to be you know... "in"... Anyway... On with the scene... Ive seen it and experienced it... Been there done that.... I fell for all of its hype. The people... Well... NOT all of them, the vices, and the parties. See... If you have to be accepted. You have to be cool with everything you do or say or you have to have this image to be in the scene. And you have to be careful of who or what kind of music you listen to. "Dont let them see you in this state" which is in a moment of weakness, a moment of being TRUE, and a moment of being a human being. Or youll just end up being judged and laughed at behind your back. I mean its just made out of pretense and plastic generic material. I mean NOBODY should be judged by who or what kind of music theyre listening to. Just because someone listens to "pop" theyre shallow or dumb. Or just because they listen to "classical" theyre deep and geniuses. Music is simply music.. Without this whole pinoy and scene in the mix. Its like this... Music has no countries no barriers no genres etc... Look at it this way... gender, race and religion and so on and etc etc etc and blah blah blah.... That puts a "label" on what kind of human being you are. You dont judge a person by what he or she believes in or what race that person is... You just ACCEPT that person... Yes you may have differences but in the end you just have to RESPECT each others beliefs and unite on a greater common ground instead of fighting over each others insignificant differences that divide us ALL as human beings. It doesnt mean that youre a better or worse person than the other. There shouldnt even be "genres" like there shouldnt be races, countries, religion which you know... Just like them breeds descrimination, judgement stereotypes etc.. All the things that can separate instead of uniting humanity. I mean in this so called scene... Just like the societies of the world... You have to listen to things that you dont like or prefer.  Youre forced to alter your beliefs... Youll just find yourself liking it because everyone likes it.  And in the process of it all you lose sight of who you really are. But you feel that deep down inside... Youd rather listen to what you really want, believe in what you want to. Be it this kind of music or that.. So you lose your REAL identity in music. Your real DNA. People in the scene says this mega cliche... "Be yourself" or "Follow your heart". But all these people do is follow the pied pipers tune... Which is... "TREND" like auto tune these days. You know... Everybody wants to be like a rockstar or a celebrity or wants to be viral on the internet etc etc..  BY using the shallow trendy way... For what? Fame? Fortune?  And the price? Your mind heart and soul...

The "lifestyle" has a toll... Has consequences... I know when I REALLY didnt want to drink alcohol at first because of how it tasted or i just didnt want to get drunk or high because it didnt feel right?  Then over time how i made my body adjust to the poison i was putting in it? And i soon found myself adapting to it because thats what everybodys doing... And ending up being an "alcoholic/addict/user". Ending up as the monster i didnt want to be... By being sucked up to the trend of the "rock n roll" lifestyle... Drinking just to pass out/blackout to prove to people that i can hold my drink and to forget and cover up the truth... The truth that i just didnt like what or who i was becoming... And when it hit me really hard and realize that... I found something... The most painful REAL reason to drink... And soon i started to drink alone... Forget that the world existed... And the company i kept? Misery regret remorse and how you wish i didnt do this or that... And at the same time still holding on to the "lifestyle" the "dream" of being a rockstar... But in reality... I ended up losing way more than gaining... And waking up one day and finding myself alone wandering in the streets picking up cigarette butts to smoke just to get that "rush" just to satisfy the deep thirst for the vices i drowned myself into... Just to get by the moment of this intense need/desire for a temporary high... After that i aimlessly wandered alone in the world... Searching for the things that i lost along the way... I went in never ending circles/cycles in my mind. And when i found the real answer/solution i still ended up denying it... Because i just couldnt bring myself to accept it... And i just didnt pay the price of my soul but the greatest commodity in life... TIME... The time i couldve spent discovering and unlocking what i can do with the things i love doing by facing the deep purpose... Rather than destroying whats left of my life for a shallow insignificant dream.

And it comes to this... Whos the most this or that. Whos the PERFECT "artist". And thats the scene. Its just about whos got the bigger balls. People bragging about this or that to make them "LOOK" cool and to be accepted in the scene. You have to be this or that. While the real meaning of music... Dies. I mean ALL musicians use the same  7 notes.... So what makes anybody "different"  or "better" than the other or anyone for that matter? Is it just because someone "shreds" better or is "faster" And so on "factors"  bullshit that he or she is better or the best of this or that? So What does that prove? For the sake of "image" and false pride. In this whole "pinoy music scene" or industry the crowd judges you first before they listen to you. If youre not cool enough like a rockstar or if you dont meet the trend these days...  Like having charisma having "it"  or what do you call it these days? "SWAG".... Chances are.. Theyll only hear you. Then you wont exist anymore.. Then youll hear this empty, deep painful noise called silence in a room full of people. And you start questioning yourself.. Is this worth the effort? When all you ever wanted was an audience that "LISTENS" to your music and not just a crowd of people that hears it. To connect... Trough music.  This whole pinoy music scene or industry or whatever cool label people call it these days is just a small crowd of judgemental people who are so focused on the so insignificantly detailed image of false pride and perfection. And finding random unpredictable imperfections unacceptable... And they just cant bring themselves to accept it because lets face it... Its one of the basic desire for EVERYBODY including me... I mean people like to look perfect live for perfection and they think its simply the cool way to live... Because they cant accept that nobodys really perfect or can ever be... They can only see "rockstars" who are so focused by having the standard procedures of using technology to sound perfect... You know what im talking about... Most of the people in the industry all over the world are too busy mixing their work... NOT being contented and have to have the sound or "tone" that they desire...  They spend a fraction of the time recording the actual track... Guitar, drums, bass and vocals... And they spend weeks or even months to perfect the FINAL  MIX by spending time to find the little imperfections and random mistakes and then use the technology of auto tune or whatever to cover up these little insignificant accidents/mistakes... Because in the end these people are not aware of it and losing time... PRACTICING  is the real solution to to be better in their own way and not to rely too much on technology to sound too perfect... People just have to invest time and focus and everything to their art... And embrace ALL the factors of random, unpredictable "mistakes" and imperfections... Because thats not just about the "human factor"...  Look at it this way... NOTHING is perfect in this world... Noone can control or has control over the factors in life that just happens for no reason at all... Like natural disasters... Things that noone can predict... They can only learn... And accept that there are things in this world that noone can control... Its all connected... But most people in the industry cant accept that... That they dont have the ability to understand and learn from the randomness and chaos of life... They only accept and understand the same ol facts on how to play music the way other people do... What is acceptable by knowing the formula... The same ol structure, form etc etc etc that defines music as what it is today... Which is how it was defined thousands of years ago??? Which is ok i guess... But what im trying to say is this... Did musicians back then have the technology to cover up their mistakes? They didnt have to because they did what musicians nowadays dont do because of choosing to be distracted by the "LIFESTYLE"... PRACTICE... Spend time wiseley... By asking real questions about music as a whole... Like most musicians are so fixated on following the same ol discipline of having structure... Theories of other musicians that are technically sound... I mean if thats what music is for them and thats where their good at i can respect that... Because i cant do that... I cant follow or understand theories and such... Having defenition... I believe in music the way i believe in life... Random, uncontrolable accidents... Like how and what makes a string break randomly... Its these questions that bring meaning to music for me... The other possibilities beyond knowledge of the same old facts... I believe that these factors are the ones that make music grow... The quest for the unknown... Thats why im studying to know what i dont understand... Because in reality, i just know some basic scales and modes... But at the same time i just want to be real you know to how i want to play... I dont want or like to be told how play music the "proper way"... The traditional way... Its time to put my foot down and stand up for what i believe in... Learn and use that knowledge my way not the PROPER TRADITIONAL way... Thats NOT me... I mean i believe in that way but... Being who i am i just have to question it... And just have to be real about it... By choosing not to follow it... And if people wont choose to just listen because they dont understand or dont want to hey its ok... At least i was real about it... By not being perfectly sound... And ill be really happy to be ignored or not to be understood because i got lost in my own real music of just finding melody and harmony from random chaos with the human factor of making mistakes rather than to be understood accepted and applauded for being a fakely contructed perfectionist...

Anyway people are pulled immediately in the shallow beaches of  superficial lifestyle of"drugs sex and rock n roll"  and all of its glory and so on... but they dont dare to look in the vast deep bottomless ocean where musicians live... Because ALL they REALLY have and really understand??? Are "likes", "followers", "views" and what else??? I guess thats about it... Oh yeah and the crowd of the pied piper the trendy and the"contreversial"  personallities. You know the simple difference between a rockstar and a musician? Rockstars and aspiring wannabes demand and expect you to worship adore and be like them. Because its their "right" and they are entitled to it... Musicians can only ask you to do one thing that matters most to music.... Listen when they reach out to you through their instruments to connect with your free will.. But these days in this so called Pinoy industry/scene. People dont listen anymore... Its all about whos the "best" this and that and blah blah blah.. Just like social media. You know... Just to show off to prove whos got the bigger dick. You know macho shit... People bragging about this and that.. You know the people who like to show off to the world how badass they are in the scene... Hey look i can do this and you cant so im better than you or anyone... Im a "unique"  "contreversial" artist etc etc etc that steps on other peoples belief just to be you know to have a "moment" in the eyes of the crowd...

Just like politics in this country. Showing off to the world "hey we can do that too!" you know SURGICAL AIR STRIKES TERROR maute "ISIS" hey world!!! Notice the philippines... Were like the rest of cool countries were defeating ISIS at the expense of the REAL people. Politicians are Like rockstars and aspiring artists or whatever you call and label those kind of people. They are too busy anticipating about the next trend... The pied pipers next tune... Be it terrorism, oil or fake news.... But theyre just a part of the never ending tune of power, control and who wants to rule the world... While REAL HUMAN BEINGS out there... Are just too busy  struggling to WANT to survive and adapt to the shit thats being fed to them... But they are the people who despite of all the bullsit decides to be wise and listen, look and find small basic things and reasons to live for.. Like love, hope, peace real connection with another human... and music, movies, swimming you know small things and people that are WORTH  finding a simple reason and and an excuse to love without the cheap details and small talks... At the same time hearing seeing these fake image bullshit contreversies, mime politics and cheap theatrics. When having to hear, see and know what knowledge is so much easier than looking, listening and experiencing wisdom... Knowledge can always be easily manipulated formulated. While wisdom bends knowledge to its will... And you dont have to think to do it, be it understand it or to formulate it... It comes naturally... Its called instinct. And its called a a freedom of choice... To believe and be Whatever or however you "choose" to want to be... But anyway thats just me.

Anyway... As a musician you have to meet todays "standards" and the level of the superficial face value and popularity to have a decent audience that will listen to you. You have to be "in" or in other words.... You have to have you know.... "IT" to be appreciated in this country. There are certain requirements for a musician to make it here. You have to impress... And earn the respect for people to listen to you... Nowadays people dont respect you for the time, heart, hardwork, discipline, dedication and sacrifice you put in your music... But how you present yourself in your superficial "image".  How many followers and likes you have in social media etc... Following the same ol tune of the pied piper. Superficial artists rule over the air be in on the radio tv or internet. While musicians drown deep in the silence of an empty stage where the only audience is.... Listening to music.

Now i know... I mean its just simply bullshit or reality. But you know what... You can believe whatever or whoever you want to believe in. Im just posting this in hope that someone out there out of the billions of people in the planet. Someone knows and feels the same way i do. Someone out there that can lend an ear and.... Just "Listen"= "connect"

Simple lessons and goals that are working.

1. Just pick the lesser of two evils... 2. Adapt and survive... 3. Find, appreciate and produce love in the smallest and simplest things in life... Without the complications of details... 4. You know... SHIT happens in life... Its like a bad note... I know its there... But i wont step on shit purposely and expect a different smell...

Yep the like the scent of the "pinoy scene" it  ALL smells the same... I dont and will never believe in that shit. I believe in reaching out, sharing your thoughts and emotions touching lives and inspiring the audience make them feel and share the experience a piece of message through music that tells them that they are not alone even if its just for a moment. Cause sometimes it only takes a moment to reach someone in the audience. Like what it did to me... To catch that "magic" in little moments in music that touches our souls when we listen to it... The magic that takes the audience to places to make new possibilities that taps into our curiosity... That touches our subconciousness.... Just want to return the favor for what it did to me how i was a part of the audience how im still being touched and continue to be inspired by other musicians...

So wheres music nowadays??????????????  Yeah... the word stuck in between false pride of the "pinoy"and the superficial image of the "scene".... I might be filipino on paper but i dont belive in it... And im not an actor to be making a scene be in a scene or cause a scene... Im merely a human being who just loves making and listening to music. Who just wants to survive and live and play in peace. Without the politics and all the drama, drama, drama... blah, blah, blah... etc, etc, etc and so on and so forth of the scene... That drowns out the music by making loud noises...

But  there are a few out there who i can still believe in... Thats why im still here posting this... But this....??? And the scenery of politics and vanity... Yeah count me out. It can do without someone like me in it.. I mean im not an important figure or image.... And i dont plan on being one. I dont have the luxuries of that life. And i dont have to... I dont need to and i dont want to... If ill just end up wasting whats left of my hope, love, life and time BELIEVENG in a future reality thats not meant to happen for me. Instead... Ill just believe in what i have in my hands now... A choice... Not to be right or wrong but to be REAL... And choose not to step in that shit anymore... To put my foot down and say... I wont move you move this is what i believe in... And if you choose to not listen or even believe to pay attention to ignore... Well then thats your choice... And if its your choice to get angry or whatever or even see me as an enemy... Well then so be it.. I know now that its better to have enemies that hate you for being true to who you really are than to have friends and family or "belong" to a society or community or a world that accepts and loves ME for who im not or will never be... The fool that i really am... Well its better to be an ignorant fool who has never ending questions. Than to be an arrogant wise and knowledgeful person that pretends to know all the answers... Because they are in control and they use that control to manipulate lost souls into believing them... That "their" way... Is the cool way the trendy and the  "only" way. Sure i believed in that way before because of i felt alone....And i wanted to belong to a HIGHER purpose to put meaning into my life... To fill the void of my soul... Because i didnt have this or that or whatever happines meant for these people... You know... The lifestyle and the image that people so adored and desired to have... In order to you know... Have "purpose" and "meaning"...

Ever really wondered why i REALLY TRUTHFULLY  left the band the first time around? Yeah i mean... That deep down inside... I really didnt like what or who i was becoming at all... I felt like a puppet thats just playing music the way other people wanted or were telling me how to... To the very detail of how i sounded to them the mix of the amp to the very song itself... I didnt even use MY guitar or fx and my REAL intentions to how to sound how to this and that how to make other peoples music while i was losing my own sound ideas thoughts intentions or being "real" and true to how i really wanted to play and my very core in my identity in the world of music... And every time i go on stage... I just wasnt there...Because i was too busy and too lost in my own world as i was on auto pilot as i played... Lost in my thoughts...Unlike my first band which accepted me for ALL my flaws but supported and really listened the same way i listened to their input... Despite my super flaw of not having a definite "structured" direction or flow and just playing randomly how i wanted to sound... They still accepted me... And for playing for the first time... In that gig?  Experiencing it... Not holding back at all... Being true to what at that time the kind of music that i was learning from... But when i chose to quit that band because of you know... Impatience... Of nothing was happening we werent getting results that we wanted to... Like get popular get lots of women and be like our heroes...

I know what i did was wrong and all... And im sorry... All i wanted was to belong and be a part of something...Anything that could fill this emptiness... Of feeling alone...But now i realized and im still realizing that I was NEVER ever REALLY alone as i saw thought felt or experienced it... I mean rejection and all of its effects blinded me... As well as the desire to be loved and accepted by others....When the answer was there all along that i failed to see because i didnt want to look... Im NOT alone in this life... Because of one simple thing...And reality... Im HUMAN JUST LIKE ANYONE IN THIS WORLD.... I have just as much equal rights of being here... I dont have to be best or even worst... I just have to be REAL... And if this world doesnt accept "like" or "follow".... Well then its not my fault because i dont have control over anyone or everyone or no one that has an equal right to decide and to choose for themselves... In what they believe in... If people believe in war in chaos in the good the bad and the ugly thats their free choice but what im just saying is an honest opinion about it..How i dont like the idea of beliveing in countries, religion, social status and you know the rest of the walls and borders built to divide us. Its been all about the image of POWER and CONTROL over peoples lives... By manipulating the same old facts of knowledge to use it to take over everything to be in "control"...Because in reality... ALL they are capable of figuring out is how to keep themselves in control... Not about figuring out new ways how to improve or benefit human lives and this planet as we see it today... They always seem to find excuses to destroy kill terrorize... By using fake news and fear etc etc etc... "by any means possible" to have more of this and that etc etc etc....While saying "i love my "country" " at the same time saying "ill kill you"   But  they cant figure out a way how to heal the wounds of the people who lost faith in their so called leaders... And all they could do is offer people benefits incentives and money for their loss... And go on with their lives believing that they helped them. And they go on tv and apologize... While they still send blind soldiers who believe and follow in orders that put them in control  with all that they are... with "surgical airstrikes" fighting against "TERROR"... They are no better than the people they call and label as "adicts" that kill because of drugs... You dont have to be an addict to do that... You just have to be under the influence of dangerous  natural drugs... POWER... CONTROL... And of course... You just have to be yourself... Because you know what... People like you and i mean not just political figures but people that follow the trend and hype of the "culture" these days... Are helplessly addicted to it and just like a person getting addicted under because of its influence and effects of getting high and all mighty... Will and will always be capable of anything and everything in their power to be in power and on control... While in reality... They are the ones who choose their path and really in the end they are NOT in control... They cant accept that... They are the ones being puppets to control... Listen... Theres a way on how to deal with manipulators and controllers...

I had no intention of saying it until now because of my current situation... Which is im currently under the control of somone... Someone who claims to have all the facts about me... And its starting to happen again... And i fear that ill lose my freedom this time because im starting to wake up to my real purpose... And that might sound that im losing my mind to this persons perspective and send me to an institution... So im here to share everything that i can to ALL of you who are in trouble because of these kinds of people... Just apply it to politics goverments religion etc... The ones that claim to be in control... So im using whats left of my time to help by sharing this to you guys... NEVER EVER give information to them EVER... They will sound good in every word they say... They will ask you nicely about your opinion about how you would like to live your life... But in reality they are gathering information about you... So dont tell them the truth... Some people choose to accept and learn from hearing the truth... While controllers and manipulators use the truth against you... So people... Dont protest dont go against them this way... Dont even show emotions that your getting pissed... This is a way for them to use that against you... An excuse to Declare martial law or even make laws that will "benefit" the countries or even he world... Ever wondered why there are so many laws nowadays? Its so simple... To keep the ones in power in control over peoples choices...

To the controllers and manipulators

Well first of all i didnt want to confront you face to face because you will never listen to my side because you only believe in your side on what you "think" and "believe" is the "right" thing for me or for other people for that matter.

What is your problem? Why do you want, have, need to be in control of every little detailed aspect of someone elses life as if it were yours? How do you manage to single handedly secretly manipulate and twist people arund into following and bending to your will or way of life or how you see and EXPECT people to live their lives according to your "standards"? You know... Following blindy to your rules your self righteous way of how other peoples lives "should" "ought to" "need" to be.  Because that is all that you are capable of... You invade other peoples lives and "assume" that youre in "control" of their free will to have choices of their own.  You want "order" for them because its working for you... Or thats how the world works for you. I mean of course there should be order in everything... But i believe its MY choice to have order or chaos... Youre way isnt everybodys way of life... Because deep down inside... You dont know who or what you really are without "control" "order" because thats all you know. Thats the worst fear you have of losing. Your "power" over people or even situations in life you plan and scheme far into the future thinking that youre "prepared" ... Thats your free choice thats how you chose to live your life... But you cant face, handle or accept the "truth"... That that power over other people is all that you can ever do to give your life purpose or meaning. You know what... I dont hate or despise you... Because were ALL human... I understand but i pity you as a person obssesed over controlling the insignificant details of other peoples lives but your own. To give meaning to your existence... Well thats just you... I cant change that nobody can but you... You dont know how to accept and you ALWAYS find people that will back your ways, words, solutions as EXCUSES to prove that your right and im wrong and you cant respect other peoples/my opinions or suggestions but your own.  You poke holes that you can use against them when they dissagree with you to keep your control over them. Instead of being a "genuinely" simple part of the solution you just end up being a wolf in sheeps clothing to be a BIG PROBLEM... Which is walking on egg shells around you. Being so careful not to confront, rebel or challenge your "authority" over them. Otherwise theyll pay the severe consequences of not bending and complying to your scemes, plans and beliefs... You cant listen because you dont know how it feels like to confront your fears... I dont know or  ever care about you or your fears beause theyre your own to face and accept and learn from. You know what your problem is?  Youre "addicted" to a vice called POWER.... Power over the free will of people around you... Their choices and decicions in their OWN life... You dont, cant even give them the respect and dignity to choose and decide on their own because YOURS is the "right" way the ONLY way. You go ahead af time and "assume" predict and make scemes about whats "good" for them in your  and your opinion only. The way you see things your way... For your sake of getting that pleasure of being in control... By believeing you know it all... Because you THINK you know every fact and know the outcome of every single event, situation or predicament... And when they dont happen again you know how to improvise... You find little things little details and you manipulate them to make a comeback...In the end... To put it simply...You just cant figure out the true purpose of YOUR life on your own... When youre all alone... And you cant get your fix on your temporary high of being in control... Who are you??????????  I dont know or even want or care to know to be honest... But this is how i see you or people like you... Youre merely a puppet of your addiction... CONTROL...

Yeah you may have this or that you may have a job but what do you REALLY have? Solutions to everything? Knowledge about how to live in live the way you do? Because of what? Facts? Figures? Your a genuine person with genuine intentions? Look... If thats how its gonna be.. If thats how ill turn out to be... "in control" over lives of people.... Id rather lose everything for being TRUE to myself than to gain this or that by obeying and submitting to controlling manipulative and pretentious people who 'CLAIM" to know whats in my best interest by following their standards... Because thats not what i believe in. You know what i really really REALLY want, need, have to have? Not jobs carrers knowledge self righeousness or control to have what you have... I dont want to just "exist"... You know follow other peoples standards of living the way they see fit or whats right for you like being a robot following routines and schedules... I get it... Thats how the world works... Thats a reality... ACCORDING to your kind... I can respect that, i can listen to that... BUT its not me... I just want to live the rest of my life in peace and have a deeper meaning and purpose in life before i die... That means I have control over my god given free will to choose and decide how my life will turn out be...Without without fearing people like you... Who expects that my plans align with yours perfectly structured schemes to satisfy your ego pride and ambition... To feed and breed on your good image of yourself... So you claim to have my best interest in your so called heart... As if you have one... You change my birthday you assume guardianship then recently you make me a dissabled person for my "benefit"... You didnt even bother to ask me for my permission or even simply asked me how i thought about it... Oh wait... I remember not agreeing to getting a PWD card... In front of a doctor... Or even agreeing that YOU will be a "guardian"... You just use my "condition" as an excuse to give you the control and power over my life... Whats left of it... And now you made it official by getting a PWD card.  To say to the world that i NEED you to control my life because im handicapped, have a "condition" and "disabled" and im not in the right mind to make decicions or act or even live on my own... To be "semi-independent" for the remainder of my life... That means that youll always be there to control put order blah blah blah... Listen... Your defenition of disability handicapped or having mental conditions are excuses to control me??? Because you think and "BELIEVE" that i cant i shouldnt i couldnt have my own life... I know... Its nice to be needed... I get it... But its so selfish YOU are selfish... YOU and other people like you are the reason why people like us give up or think of giving up by surrendering and submitting our lives to you... But no... You know what? Accepting and admitting that youre disabled and not capable and functioning as a human being thats being DISSABLED... Not when youre still capable of doing everything and anything by choosing FREELY whats good or whats bad... So now you have an official excuse to control me... And who can forget... The "experts opinion" that back the evidence of me being a PWD... Giving you the "power" the right to my invade and manipulate whats left of my life... YEHEY!!!!  Congratulations!!!! You surely materialized your schemes from the start... Well done... Well done... Indeed... You are the master of puppets...

Youre not saying it verbally but basically to cut things short this is your simple message... "Its in your best interest to keep me happy... Because if im not happy then... I have weapons and know ways to make you unhappy. Just PRETEND youre doing this for yourself to make it easy..." Bottomline is... I dont believe and trust controlling and manipulative people PERIOD... Because i dont and will NEVER want be like you... I dont have to... Because i dont need to live like you... I have a free choice... A choice not to confront and defeat and crush your twisted sick mind... Even am capable of it... I dont have to do that for you... Youre already doing it yourself without knowing it... You know what ill do for you? The best way to deal with you... Comply... Sure ill give you what you want... And i wont even argue about it cause you always have to, need to win with all your "facts"... And ill get what i want in return... When you wake up to the truth by looking at what you really are in my point of view and finding yourself without control over the TRUTH of how i really feel and how i see you for the person who you really are and who you pretend to be... I mean im just surviving and adapting to please you and your so called "structure" and long term scemes. In reality im sacrificing my freedom of choice for my OWN plans and life just to align with your  selfish schemes to meet your expectations... You dont get it do you... With all your theories and assumptions... Its peoples DECICION to be unhappy or happy good or bad mediocre or great insane or sane... And its your decicion to be the bitch that you are... But my decision??? My goal and my ambition? Is really simple ... BE REAL... And be true...

I dont want a job to merely mindlessly exist in the world... I believe in having a purpose of being part of something bigger than just ME... I dont and will never find real meaning or purpose in that line of work or your so called standards of life... Thats not my world... But thats what you expect me to do and expect me to be... Because thats how EVERYBODY sees the Right way the only way... And when i miss out on the smallest insignificant details of "complying"? How YOU expect me to live... Youll come up with something... An excuse to to make the choice of making me suffer for being TRUE... When ALL i want is to live the remaining days of my life in peace and harmony... So i could go and fullfill my purpose of living with a clear mind, heart and soul without people like you... That i have the free will to choose  and to put meaning in my life and lives of other people... I have plans... I have choices and decisions to FREELY choose from... But i cant think with TOXIC people like YOU around... I already did it in facebook with my so called friends... I made it official... I left them ALL... Because i never believed in their world from the start. The truth is i was just alone felt alone or i thought i was alone in the world... Thats why i chose to be in that world... Their world... Made BAD decisions along the way... The worst decisionin my life was not to do drugs or other vices... I mean that was the EFFECT of making the bad decision of being fake... Merely because i wanted to "belong" accepted and be loved for it... And be a part of my own destruction... But you know what? The only thing good about that is that it was my FREEDOM to choose the wrong things... So i paid the price on MY OWN terms... BUT i learned from that bad slip that caused me to fall rockbottom into the pitts... It took me a while but i learned something out of it... I mean its ok to be alone and its better to be alone... Its better to have REAL  enemies in the real world that reject, judge, prosecute, make fun of or even hate you for being true to who you really are... Than to have friends and a family that accepts and loves you for someone youre not and will never be. But you know what? I no longer have friends, i dont see you as family and im on my own... But that doesnt mean im alone in the world... There are billions of human beings out there like me... Being "alone"is a choice. Just like being depressed being psychotic good evil black or white if you "choose" to be...  

Look... If i want or need  for your advise or help wait for it... Dont invade my space and my life with all your assumptions, theories and conclusions on how i should live it the way you see fit... I dont want it i dont need it... I never told you how to run your life... I mean to be honest i dont even care how you live your life... Because i dont need to, dont have to and i dont even want to... Because i dont want anybody like you to tell me how to live my life... I know now why youre alone... Because you dont want your control to be compromised... Youre afraid of losing the ONE thing that youll ever valued "control"...  Youll think im getting depressed and psychotic and who knows when or how i might just lose it all again the little things that give my life meaning for expressing and exposing my version of the truth which is... I DONT  AND WILL NEVER TRUST PEOPLE LIKE YOU... Who knows... This may trigger you to stab me in the back for the last time... You just think and assume with all your knowledge and theories that your way is the "right" way the ONLY way... MY way???I choose to be real and true to how i feel about people like you. I cant stand  to be around you... You drain me of my life force and my energy just by being around you and people like you...  Youll never understand because youre a pretentious manipulator...You people are so toxic you should do the world a favor... Live on an island without people in it... To deal and live with your sick manipulative and twisted mind tricks. And ill throw in a gift for you... A mirror to reflect you while you manipulate a puppet... To see and know your still in control of something.

So now you know the truth... Well its up to you to believe this its your choice... Its also your choice to make MY life more miserable. By letting you know how i REALLY REALLY feel and see you as... Or to just look listen or feel the experience of me living with a person like you... Just for telling you this... That just proves that im right about you... The REAL you... Just like an addict... Getting a temporary high and suffering a deep thirst for control... Take it all away and what are you? I dont know and i dont want to know... Because i wont even care to know... Second mother my ass... Please... I dont even see you as a distant friend... You know theres no medicine for ignorance... If you think you know it all and can control the outcome of my life... Well look at your life through mine... You pretend to be a saint... Appearing to care and know whats right for me... When all you want is to keep me as a trophy making you feel good that my plans align with your perfectly orchestrated detailed schemes... To keep telling yourself youre a good person with "good" intentions... I dont like what im becoming...

You demand respect from me without earning it... I just follow you to make you feel good that youre in control... Im FORCED to respect you because you have ways to make me suffer if you wanted to... Fear is your tool... Theres always a threat that ill loose the little things i find excuses to love and appreciate and live for... Fear of losing whats left of my time to go after and live a purpose driven life that you can easily take away if i dont "obey"... Well we might become enemies after this... But you know what... Its better to have the world as an enemy because youre TRUE to yourself... Its easier when people hate you for the truth rather than to have friends and family that accept and love you for someone youre not or will never be.

If you read THIS??? It means THIS is my space in this universe... I wont move You move... And if your move is to take it all away? Think and assume that im going "insane" or "relapsing" and decide to MESS whats left of my life... So be it... Its your free will... To choose what kind of person you REALLY are. And my free will says to me... Let it be... Thats just the way you are... A control freak getting a fix when you suck out  the freedom out of people... And you wont stop Until you get your temporary high. The best thing anybody can do for you... Is pitty you... Then ignore you for who you trully really are... An evil person hiding behind good intentions... At the same time you see yourself as a saint. When all that you are capable of is being a caring dictator... Saying you love while Using fear in a subtle way to get what you want... Just face the reality youre NOT  the good person you see yourself as... When your ultimate scheme is to take over peoples lives... With your intricately planed and intellectually calculated and deeply detailed  little "opinions","suggestions" "theories" "assumptions" etc etc etc blah blah blah that you so carefully whisper into my ear and decievingly offer me so that i wont notice your real intention... Well thats the craft of a natural manipulator... You know what you are to me? How i see you? To put it in simple terms... Youre not a good person youre a good manipulator and controller...

And the differences between you and me? You decieve... I believe... And if you dont have a clue... Then thats just trully you... But you know what??? You dont deserve the truth... Because youll just choose to hear it and not listen to it see it but not look at it Know it but wont understand it... Because you simply cant, wont will never accept it... What youll do is analyze and calculate and find ways how to bend it, manipulate it twist it and find a way to turn it against me to benefit and satisfy twisted and sick thirst, desire and addiction for control. I live for the truth while you live to control it and use it against other people... Because thats what you really are... And without control youre NOTHING... And thats how i see you as a person...

Bottom line is... You dont love me... You love your control over me by pretending you know whats in my best interest. Guess what.

I DONT RESPECT, BELIEVE TRUST OR EVEN LOVE YOU AT ALL... Im just complying to give you you temporary satisfaction in your addiction... Because i know what addicts are capable of when they dont get their high... I dont have to destroy you... Because i choose not to... Youll end up doing that on your own... When you lose me or the things you love to control... And all youll be left with??? I dont know because im not and will not use my free will to choose to control over the things i love... Because i simply love them for what they are. And i wont change a thing about what or who they are if they have a different opinion... If i love them, i will choose to listen and still accept them for what or how they REALLY are... Accept them for their flaws and not try to pretend to know and manipulate and control them. And i will let them grow on their own... But someone like you wont get it...

You dont have to kill to be evil in this world... You just have to be you...

In life in MY opinion... Having no control at all is a better life for ME as a human being as a musician... Because in music there are just "factors" you cant control or predict  like when and how a string breaks, technical problems, rain the environment or even how the audience receives you.. Anything could go wrong... And the worst thing that can go  wrong? Is for you to assume that nothing can go wrong... Because of overconfidence... Anything can happen...Just like in life..I accept and believe that i have no POWER over anyone or everyone ... I dont want to, i dont have to i dont need to... Because i dont know anything or everything about life... All i have are real questions not fake answers to offer anyone... Because now i realize that not having answers or solutions facts is whats life for ME is all about... Its being a naive and simple fool and asking lots of question... And applying it to little things that i love doing... Like music... I dont believe in structure or form or theories or how it should played... Thats a different world... In which i just cant exist in... I believe in finding molody and harmony from mindless, baseless chaos IN the moment of creating beautiful music the real way i see myself playin it imagining it...How flickering lights may sound like how the stars sound like when they sparkle in the night sky... What kind of music or sounds couldve been backround for the creation of life as we know it?  What was the origin of vibration? I want and choose this gift to be a part of the big picture in a small insignificant way... And the only way i choose to contribute to this life is to play it in my real way...

It all started off from an idea... When i was in a period of ?????????.... It was just a moment of peace and quiet... Then i heard the sound of my imagination... On how it would be like in space... Then that idea... Sparked a vision... And then before i noticed it.. It took over me...I was so inspired by what i was creating and hearing and seeing... And experiencing... That i had to stop at times and just... And just feel so incredibly overwhelmed by the grand scale of this piece of music and asking how i was doing it or where it was all coming from. And before i knew it... It was living on its own and i can no longer control it... It became bigger than all my wildest expectations. And it went beyond what i thought i was capable of doing... I set a limit but i found myself surprising myself proving to  myself in small ways small steps that its possible... And i was even hearing this idea of the 8th note... You know... Do re mi fa so la ti and....

But then i got distracted....By false light and the bright artificial  lights of the pinoy music scene... And instead of staying in my ground... I knowingly chose to be part of the scene... EXPECTING to be like everybody else.. to belong... But in the end... Choosing "that" distraction you know the lights the women the lifestyle... Caused me to slip... In life we fall... There are accidents that we cannot control... But there are causes like being distracted and losing focus that causes these little slips causing us to fall... I got distracted by the lights of that life... Plain and simple... I knowingly and i was fully aware of what it could do to me... And it was my choice to go for it and i expected a different result... But i learned something out of that slip... Its better to be and live in the dark on your own and see TRUE lights among the REAL stars by just looking up and listen to music of the overwhelming purpose in the universe and realize and accept how insignificantly ignorant i really am... Than to be in the light blinded by  artificial flashy lights and the noise of loud people and drowning my music in the lifestyle of the scene... Thats not me...

NOT ANYMORE.  But as much that i would like and love to destroy that idiotic idea of constructing borders and walls like "pinoy music scene"... And how i know im confidently well capable of it just like anyone else is capable of... I wont have to or need to...  it will do that on its own like the rest of the toxic people that are hooked on the image of being in CONTROL...  Because i have simple choice... A real choice... To live with dignity,  restraint, compassion, endurance, humility, connection and MOST IMPORTANTLY to authentically be in LOVE in life... And be real about it... And make mistakes along the way... After all im just human just like you...Just accepting and embracing my flaws and weaknesses...

SO WHY CANT YOU???