#LIVING IT UP SO I GUESS IM A-OKAY

[skitskatdacat63]

2011 Japan Post-Qualifying

#dedicated to the anon who asked me if i knew which gp this was from! i ended up being right hehehe #AND thank you so so so much to suzuki-ecstar for finding and sending me the clip!!!! i appreciate it sm!!!! <3 #(ik told you already but actually the clip you sent is better than the original archive i had so im very happy) #i know a super old post of this already exists but now pls take my offering of it w higher quality/frame rate!! #im usually not a huge fan of this seb hair era but godddddd he looks so good in this #i will never get over the 2nd gif of jense play-punching him #ive seen it a million times by now but this one is better quality than any of the others and im fucking dying #THEY'RE SO ENDEARING WHY WERE THEY LIKE THISSSSSSSSS #and mark's there too i guess...(kidding hahaha but god his live slug react game is strong) #okay also must say now that im in a different time zone i have absolutely no fucking idea when to post its so confusing to me #jenson button #sebastian vettel #sebson #mark webber #jb22 #sv5 #2011 japanese grand prix #2011 japanese gp #we do a little bit of f1 #f1 #formula 1 #formula one

[dragonsarecats]

going INSANE over the implications about kaeya with this new quest. he called dain a "pureblooded khaen'riahn" which we later learn means he suffers from the curse of immortality, of which kaeya definitely does not have because he grew up in Mondstadt. kaeya's pupils are different from the other "pureblooded khaenriahns" we've seen because there's is more of a hollow outline??? idk also the fact that we have NO idea what happened to caribert means that he could be kaeya's ancestor also?? because otherwise how is he an alberich??? anyways kaeya mains stay winning ig because they definitely are not stopping here like i lowkey feared lol

#kaeya alberich #genshin 3.5 spoilers #genshin impact spoilers #okay but im not the only one who was thrown by that guy being an alberich because he was so pale right #like i guessed the traveler being in a memory but NOT eid being an alberich BECAUSE he wasn't tan literally that was it #anyways going crazy insane over this thanks hoyoverse <3 #ALSO this has straight up pulled kaeya into the mainplot line again lol #dain's like “good for him living out from under the shadow of his Family^tm” but also #kaeya has Other foreshadowing and it's clear this is not the end #i'll be real chief i was not expecting a WHOLE archon quest devoted to kaeya's family but i am taking it and i am LOVING it #god founders of the abyss order is so much cooler than royalty of og khaenri'ah i swear #ok ok im done for now im normal i swear i swear

[niishi]

I hate when ppl have this need to be better than others to the point that they're cruel to those they're jealous of, and then at the end of the day they're not even on par with those they're jealous of so like.... they don't even have the right to act like that..... it gives insecure. It gives lack of self love. It gives undeserved ego. It gives second hand embarrassment.

#live in reality #hating the people who physically match a character theyre cosplaying #isnt going to make yours look any better #you dont physically match the character? thats fine #you can still have an amazing cosplay thats worth being proud of and worth praise #what will make EVERYONES cosplay look bed? being a vapid bitch #im tired of cosplayers being competitive and bitchy #if thats you? your cosplay will always look bad. #whether you physically resemble the character or not #also this is mean so sorry i guess #but #a lot of ppl will say this and then show up in a cosplay that has a bad wig #bad make up #doesnt resemble the character to the T like the cosplayers theyre talking shit about #and then still talk shit? like? you didnt even put in half of their effort? #you cant expect praise to be handed to you if you haven't put in the same thoughtfulness and hardwork #into your cosplay #and this doesnt even have to do with money #its okay to accept yourself where youre at #and support people who you obviously admire #we dont have to be cruel and egotistical and nasty

[big-tees-and-short-skirts]

healthcare bullshit cw

HEY. LOCAL HOSPITAL. WHY DUD I HAVE TO FUCKING CALL TO FIND OUT WHICH PROCEDURE IM GETTING TOMORROW MORNING?!?!? NO INSTRUCTIONS SENT, JUST, "dont eat or drink for 4 hrs pls," AND NOTHING ELSE?!???

heres a baby snapper to apologize for the caps spam <3 thats about to follow

#upper GI means SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS #imaging means SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS #ESPECIALLY TO A LAYMAN #'so i called the imaging dept and they said ur doing a barium swallo--' WHY DIDNT U JUST SAY THAT INSTEAD OF 'UPPER GI. CHECK IN HOSPITAL' #im so fucking done w this place #guess ill be driving 2 hrs to the next hospital for now on cuz FUCK THIS SHIT #MY DAD IS TAKING TIME OFF WORK BC WE THOUGHT I WAS GETTING SEDATED FOR AN ENDOSCOPY (also called upper gi BTW 🙃) #im so tired of my dysmotility and my joint pain and my migraines yall. i wish i wasnt fucking allergic to THE ONLY MEDICINE that fix me #i had to take ANTIPSYCHOTIC TRANQS for 5 days that have flared up ALL OF MY PROBLEMS #bc my GI told me i cant take fucking steroids. #im probably gonna be fucking hospitalizwd fir this damn migraine and my GI cant fucking tell me if IM GONNA BE SEDATED OR NOT #OR WHAT PROCEDURE IM DOING TMRW #🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪 #... #okay rants over 🤥<-lying #healthcare #cant believe im gonna say this but my healthcare was exponentially better in Georgia than in Illinois #i had better care in middle of nowhere georgia than FUCKING CHICAGO #i go a school famous for its medicine school.... #now class imagine if this was happening to an old person living alone w a million health problems and no techsavvy #or strong self advocacy skills 🤗 #wouldn't that just be fucked up 🤗

[everythingsinred]

controversial opinion of the year is that i dont think barbie was that great bc its message was all over the place and also they didnt realize they had made kens the women in their story so it just seemed bizarrely misogynistic to me

#little anya things #me mid-movie: ahh i see so the kens are women in this lil scenario #the movie: ACTUALLY no we have no idea what we're doing #before u come at me. 1. 'women view each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments #but for the attention of men' #2. the general vibe of condescension towards ken's efforts on beach echoing specific condescension of men towards women's interests #that 'oh u pathetic thing u' vibe was so strong #3. ken being shocked that a woman respected him enough to ask him for the time. an event that HAS NEVER happened to him before #he is so touched by the feeling of respect... 4. nobody knows where the kens even live. #miss representation quote abt how 50% of the population is disinterested in the other half. #5. barbie feels instantly objectified in the real world whereas ken instantly feels respected in a way hed never been #6. they dont even have genitals so ken arent actually men and barbies arent actually women bc thats not how things work in their world #listen the first half of that movie i was like. so kens are women here. #then theres the typical revenge narrative where they start the 'patriarchy' that wasnt rly all that creative but fine #but then they got all confusing and barbies are women and kens are just men who have been rightfully oppressed all along?? even tho #theyve been women-coded this whole time. okay #7. kens go back to having no government representation or right to vote and this is sposed to be funny. i guess? #im not mad at the movie for being misandrist bc it wasnt. it was just trying too hard to do too many things #that it ended up just seeming misogynistic to me #not to mention it was doing the bare minimum and is just step one in a huge capitalist ploy to start making a bunch of toy-related movies #im genuinely shocked i havent seen any criticism abt it on tumblr when its such a sloppy film throwing out a confused message #in order to make money and sell dolls. what exactly am i supposed to take away from this.... it just seems so bizarrely hypocritical #for mattel to make a movie where they feature as side-antagonists who essentially learn nothing... just for mattel irl to make more money #off of everything they mentioned in the movie. like. what changed. #also america ferrera's character existed just to give that speech and otherwise she and her daughter were not relevant to the plot at all #it was funny and aesthetic and all but the more i think abt it the more im not all that impressed. idk. am i missing smth #i dont think so. i disagree w most ppl's analysis praising it. idk idk

[seariii]

I need a little pick me up *stares at the food app* but everything is so expensive....

#i took a shower i watched some videos and checked up and... now i feel so exhausted... #i guess it finally caught up with me... i havent really even interacted much... wish i... nono its okay. i did a lot #i want something cold and sweet... i want chocolate but tapioca is too expensive and i dont have something to make the drink with.... #and we dont have enough sugar to make the pearls anyways.... #i am scared of friday... im scared of Thursday night.... im scared of the future... *gets notification* #... hey at least people are happy... thats nice... people are happy and living in the present. im so proud of them #if you read till here i have a small plastic brain do you wanna see it? #im emotionally okay im just really tired a tapioca or something like a smoothie could help but everythings too expensive... #seari talks

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Just found out my two siblings are in my mom's will, but not me. Also my grandpa has told the entire family about his engagement. Except for me. Also my dad told my siblings that he and my mom bought a plot of land. Can you guess who they haven't told?

#these tags are about to be a massive trauma dump tbh so avoid if you want #when i was fifteen i came out as trans. and my mom was terrible about it. and my dad was up for a promotion so we were considering moving #and i found a list of my moms pros and cons for moving. on the pros was 'people there dont know about (deadname)' #so that was ideal for a suicidal fifteen year old to find. and tonight i just learned that im not in her will #both of my siblings are. but im not. and its just always been like this #im treated like im not part of the family anymore. and it's been that way since i was fifteen #i heard from my brother that my grandpa is engaged. and he told both my siblings about it directly. he never told me #i reach out to my parents. i never hear back. my aprents text my sibling to check on me (sib and i live together) #everything is kind of shit rn. one of my rats is dying. my family doesnt love me. im broke. my best friend and i arent really talking #because he fucked my ex gf and now things arent really the same anymore. strangely enough. he doesnt reach out anymore #so i have no one to talk to about any of this shit #last night i was crying about my rat and i guess my roommate heard it cuz this morning they said #'are you okay? if you ever need someone to talk to who will never bring it up again you can talk to me' #and thats the most loving thing ive heard from someone in months. from a woman ive known since august #im. just. at a loss. since i found out tonight. that im not in my mom's will #its not about money. or assets. its about the fact that im her fucking child and both of her other children are in it but im not #after she dies shes willing to help them out but i can get fucked ig #i wonder if im gonna be invited to my grandpas wedding. i wonder if any of them would want me at their funeral #i wonder if any of them would come to mine

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[nerdie-faerie]

I swear to god can they stop changing up the reception times

#student living #literally every week is a different opening times than the previous since the week before easter break #ive been to pick up a parcel three times now first time it was closed for the day on Wednesday which i hadnt known #but the sign they put up said they were open until 3 Thursday and Friday but i had class until 2 and am half an hour walk between campuses #didnt get back on time on Thursday but got there with 10 minutes to spare on Friday but it was already deserted for the weekend #the opening hours sign said temporary hours was just for that week so i was like okay guess ill wait until monday then #got a notification this morning about another parcel being dropped off with regular working hours included at the bottom #go to pick up my parcel after noon and the place is deserved and theres a new sign up #theyre open only until 12 for the first half of the week and then until 3 Thursday and friday again #so theyve changed opening hours from 8-5 to 8-12 🫥 but not sent out any notice about this #when am i supposed to collect my parcels if you keep changing the times with no warnings? #this is like the 6th week in a row that theyre operating on new times #i need to collect my package its stuff i need for this weekend im also waiting on my friends birthday presents to arrived for this sunday #and of course reception isnt open on weekends for students when everyone would be available to collect their packages outside of classes

[orcelito]

Having lost my cat, my uncle, my great grandmother, my grandma's best friend (& one of the people who helped raise me), AND my dad all within the span of 9 months,

I have little sympathy for people who use deaths as an excuse to be an asshole. I get it, it sucks. Get the fuck over it. Your grief is not an excuse to treat others like shit. What the fuck.

#speculation nation #this isnt anything personal. im just reacting to a post that kind of pissed me off. #to be fair i was never close with my great grandmother so im not particularly broken up about that one #but it's still yet another death in the family within such a short period of time. #my cat is on this list bc he was the first one and it majorly fucked me up. so yeah it deserves to be here. #the others. well. my grandma's best friend makes me sad but at least she was getting up in years #my uncle and dad though. especially my dad. yea those have fucked me up the most. #im never gonna be the same after experiencing all of this in such short succession. #it sucks in a major way. and things are still continuously tumultuous. #but you dont see me lording it over people and using it as an excuse to be an asshole. #maybe i make people uncomfortable with how casually i mention it. but like whatever. it's simply my truth. #that's still just like. me just talking about what ive been up to. that kind of thing. #idk acting like someone needs to be treated with the most tender of touches after experiencing a major death #to the point where you cant even tell them when theyre being a manipulative little asshole? #i dont fucking think so! #yeah okay all grief hits different but ive pulled myself up by the bootstraps and kept my head on straight #even after i experienced death after death after death after death after Fucking Death #whats your excuse? youre Sad? we all fucking are. thats just life. #it's horrible and awful and it sucks that we have to live with this but you CANT let that affect how you treat other people!!!!! #and here i am making my own post venting about it instead of replying to the aita post that sparked this #bc the person the post was about just made me so angry to hear about. #but i am... a reasonable adult who separates themselves from situations before reacting in anger... #and so im making a tumblr post to get the emotions out instead of getting emotional at random strangers lol #anyways i actually had a pretty good day today. but in the way of grief. the smallest things can trigger moods sometimes. #but i am letting the emotions flow... here they are... i have expressed them... and i shall now release them... amen... #negative/ #i guess lol. i sure did rant enough for it.

[lightbulb-warning]

16 classmates means 256 potential dynamics to explore if we only consider 1 on 1 interactions (which i will! ...until this sentence ends) and that means 256 drawings. considering that group interactions exist and it can be any combo that is... a way larger number.

i have 2 hands, 0 time and too much ambition!!

haha! oh no.

#i would like to live my life and also fundematally tear apart my hpfxtn from the inside out and roll in its guts #that's not really possible unfortunately #because TIME #bitches love to hate on me for “quality over quantity uwu” which is valid as FUCK babe you do you #i need to do me and me wants to be engulfed in the concept of interaction. yes specifically through ship art. #that means gotta go fast. #as in. i get told a lot i should not try to improve my drawing speed because i draw fast enough. they fail to consider that i want to!!!! #my brain is an enigma to me too im a barely functioning human if me having social competence comes in the form of free art then #my therapist is gonna make so much fun of me i guess #/lh #mind you. this here talking to myself? this is all silly bullshit ego. i know very well whatever i WANT to do ill end up drawing koquichechi #“ok me we made a plan to practice drawing subtle understated emotions with charact-” “what if we drew koquichechi slapstick instead” #“but the PLAN??” “look at that. it's koquichechi.” #and then i babysit myself into FORCING myself to draw shit i want to draw and would enjoy drawing but it takes SO LONG #an doing things that take time *takes time*. outrageous. how dare you. i hate it. (bla bla bla time is an illusion i KNOW) #and im still figuring out subtle. groooooaaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!!!!!! #eh whatevs! #whether i make ANY of my bullshit projects real or not what matters is having fun with it before i die /lh #its gonna be okay #*yearning* i just think itd be cool!! #shut up maiora #rambling #i get threatened with violence constantly by art friends. they're so completely right. #anyway tell me all about your rare-pairs if you want!! i might scribble em in my free time :> #(use the ask box) #(yes platonic too!) #(i think itd be fun 👉👈) #(i wanna hear people's thoughts!!) #(might be done in pencil ^^') #(im getting distracted HAVE A NICE DAY BUHBYE)

[blazingstarship]

I hate how I am having the flu. Im hot, one eye tears, my whole body hurted for hours last night and I had to take a painkiller my bro used for his broken leg. It was insane, nothing else helped. I couldnt sit or lay, nothing. So much fun to be an education employee. Im tired…

#so guess im just gonna snuggle up with my yusei on the couch with some tomato soup #also merry christmas everyone! #hope you all arent sick too! #also I cant believe myself for watching with interest to bluey #the dad is amazing #i want a dad like that too for my moonshine and wishing star #this dad makes up a stanard okay and i live for that #man im sick

[ban-joey]

sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school

#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful #did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w #possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting #plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there #my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh! #not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO #i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig #need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn #but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :) #like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends. #even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP #idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus #yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted) #a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay! #im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid. #he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party #and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate #and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :) #and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING #good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT

[polaraffect]

current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit

#damien.txt #sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam #i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually #okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way #and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues #because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit #and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life. #and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if.... #and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds #and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm #at a level that is. certainly unhealthy. #and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know! #but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point. #and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals #abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much! #but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess. #idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually #my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks #i am. tired.

[nerice]

god im thinking again abt. malenia turning caelid into a scarlet rot wasteland and it was absolutely not what she intended. fighting and being prepared to kill radahn is one thing but they were too evenly matched, leaving her either no other choice but to unleash scarlet aeonia/it happened beyond her control because the goddess of rot would not let her champion die, functional empyrean or not (i always always think about malenia whispering smth to radahn in that final moment. she knew what was about to happen..) but malenia is not about destruction!!! conquest, sure, for miquella's sake but the age of unalloyed gold is built on ideals of peace and equality, especially for the afflicted, the outcasts. unalloyed gold is beauty and flowers and dreams. not whatever the scarlet rot turned caelid into,,,, and sure sure demigod slumber/malenia having to be carried back all the way to the haligtree sanctum and the timeline is extremely unclear (it is implied she only wakes up when you enter her boss room) but i also like the idea of her. giving up on it all. defending the empty womb of miquella's tree, again, sure, but going out and securing territory? beating back her siblings? after what happened with radahn, what she did to radahn...... + the implication of the next time she goes into god slumber she will emerge as goddess of rot / fully an avatar of an outer god; not only was her twin taken from her, leaving her with no choice but to await his return tm, the battlefield is also taken from her because does she really want to chance that happening again? h.

#ELDEN RING BLOGGING #GUESS WHO BOOTED UP HER GAME AGAIN i spent one second in caelid and im not okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #also haligtree IS laced with scarlet rot already though malenia's presence alone. i am simply not okay about it #whatever holy empire her brother wanted/is going to build (FOR HER!!! NEVER FORGET!! the ultimate goal is curing her) but she is #a corrupting influence. her very presence is corrupting what miq is trying to build. the tragedy of these two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #hhhhhhhh i cant believe it's been a year. i cannot believe what bright of a spot this game was in the middle of the worst era of my life #i miss maleniaposting i miss exploring and not knowing anything. i wasn't even sure she'd be in the game/let alone a boss #VIVIDLY remember finding one of the remembrance towers and being like hm maybe that's where morgott's (?) rune goes #looking it up on the wiki and getting hit by THIS IS WHERE U ACTIVATE MALENIAS REMEMBRANCE like SORRY WHAT #this game is simply so much to me my brain lives there. the last bastion of who i used to be................

[bbeelzemon]

sometime this past year i had the experience of uh experiencing [something trivial i dont even remember at this point], and then felt in real time as my brain changed the memory right in front of me. like i Knew that my memory was now incorrect, but i couldnt remember what Actually happened. and i think that moment is the first time i ever truly started to realize that my memory in particular is not infallible and that brains change your memory of things and events all the time, especially over several years

#that last post about actively feeling yourself forget something made me think of it #theres not really any point to this post besides just thinking out loud to others i guess #anyway since that realization ive now gone down countless mental health and traumatic memory research rabbitholes #that i feel are leaving me more at peace with myself than ive ever felt in my life #dont get me wrong ive been having a fucking year but a lot of it is because i cant do much besides internally processing things #revealed some friends in my brain even :) #anyway my current read is the body keeps score . im listening and im fucking Learning some things about myself #anyway yeah so thats basically what ive been up to since i stopped talking online as much this year . whats up #i really am becoming more at peace with all facets of myself than ever before though. mentally and physically and emotionally and socially #potentially evidenced by the fact that i can actually hold conversations online again! #idk im just ready to finally start living my life again now #i made it through the trenches of my mindscape and i have more external AND internal support than ever before. Maybe I Can Do This #Maybe I'll Be Okay.