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weirdthinkingdragon · 3 years

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Pushed Temptations

Yandere Western Shouta x reader

Warnings of blood, guns, character death, uh… intended weapon harm to reader? Should that be a warning? Quirkless AU

IDEK if you can really call this a yandere. More like highly protective, which is kinda yandere I guess? All I know is I was in a really soft mood when writing the ending. Oops…

It was rather quiet today at the bar. The only thing being the pianist playing their good old favorite tunes. No one seems to mind, and he offers to do the piano at a rather small price. Because of that, my boss decided to let him have a few drinks a day free. He was thankful but oddly declined. He’s definitely an older man, maybe in his 50s. I can’t for the life of me remember his name, but I do remember it starts with a T. He’s definitely an incredibly kind man though.

I clean the glass of the customer that just left incredibly drunk. I don’t care much about doing this job, but I have to because the boss told me I could live here if I do. He knew my family and wanted to help me out after they were killed by bandits on their way home. He’s also worried about me being alone in case that happens to me as well. I don’t really care. We all die at some point anyway. I am rather angry with the bandits though. He wouldn’t let me decline. Seriously, he made two of his strongest bouncers come get me to bring me to him. I’m starting to think he only wanted me for his benefit.

There was a rowdy few in the corner playing poker at the corner. I try to ignore them and stare at the doors to the entrance. One of the men at the table suddenly stands up, and storms out. He yells in fear after exiting. No one bats an eye since yelling is pretty normal around here. From fear? Not really, but it’s not my problem as long as it’s not in here.

It doesn’t take long to know why the man yelled in fear. A very feared outlaw enters through the doors. Shouta, the man feared by all. The only man that wears black everything, including his stetson. Well, the only thing not black was his bandana. That was a medium gray. He’s taken down multiple people at once, and so many Sheriffs and Bounty Hunters have been after him, which lead to their deaths. Only one person has ever been close to doing serious damage to him. From what I heard, they tried to become friends with him over a few days, got close enough, and tried to stab his eye with a knife. The swing hit, but not the way they hoped. The man was found dead a few days later with a bullet hole in his pants. He was shot in his thigh and left for dead overnight. The wolves got to him before he was found.

A chill goes through the place as everyone goes silent and stares at him. They know to not bring their guns out. They stare in fear at him as he saunters up to the booth right in front of me. “Howdy stranger, what can I get ya?”

“Whiskey.” Geez, even his voice is something to send chills down someone’s spine. I grab one of the glasses, fill it, and pass it to him. He goes to pass the money for it to me. I push it back towards him, leading him to have surprise on his face.

“It’s on me. It’s a thank you for getting rid of that group of damn bandits that called themselves the “Iron Will”. It’s nothing to you, but they were a royal thorn in my side. I wanted revenge on myself for something they did.”

His face went back to being stoic, but he did grab the glass. I look at the entrance to see if anyone else entered. No. In fact, the ones at the table playing Poker booked it out of here, so it’s now just him, the pianist, and I.

It stayed quiet between us for a bit. “You know, I don’t think you’re as bad as people say,” He raises the brow with the obvious scar under his eye, but says nothing. “From what I’ve heard, most, if not all, of the people you have killed have deserved it. Yes, even the Sheriffs. They’re usually corrupt themselves anyway.”

“...You talk a lot.” He’s too hard to read to know what he’s truly thinking.

I shrug. “It ain’t much. It just gets pretty boring around here, especially since I’d honestly rather be doing anything else.�� Kinda forced to be here,” I glare off to the side. “Thank the damn bandits for that one,” I lock eyes with him again. “Uh… nevermind. Enjoy the rest of your whiskey.” I say and go over to the table the rowdy people were t and grabbed their glasses. It might be best to not bother him much more. Maybe I’d be next.

The blond stops playing the piano for now, and he locks eyes with Shouta. Shouta… Gives him a small nod? They must know each other. That would just be further proof he doesn’t kill for no reason.

He asked for another, which I gave him. The blond didn’t continue playing yet. He must be giving his fingers a break. Honestly? About time. That man’s been playing for the past three hours without a break.

At least, it was peaceful until someone slammed the doors open in an obvious frantic state. It was my boss. He has a revolver… It was easy to tell what he wanted to do with it from the way he glares at Shouta. I don’t let worry show, even though I’m worried about him being shot by Shouta, which could easily happen. That and the blood would be hard to clean up. It always is on wooden floors, as well as I don’t have anywhere to go after since my home was already taken from being forced to be here. “Ren, please put the gun away. We ain’t got time for blood to be spilled here.”

That got Shouta to turn around and notice the man. His hand hovers over the pistol in his belt.

“You don’t tell me what to do! This man doesn’t belong here! I want him out! If the bouncers won’t, I’ll do it myself!”

I sigh. “Ren, please. The bouncers left an hour ago. You know you don’t stand a chance, and I really don’t want to clean blood off the floor tonight,” He’s still frantically waving the gun around like a child proud of a new toy. “He also hasn’t done anything.”

“Hasn’t done anything!? He killed Mizuki!” Mizuki? Where have I- oh. That wretched man.

“Isn’t he that man that kept forcing himself on women?”

“That doesn’t matter! He was still a great person!” … Is this man serious!?

If I’m reading Shouta right, he wasn’t too happy about hearing that either. “Why the fuck am I stuck working for you?” I whisper to myself. It’s not loud enough for Ren to hear thankfully. He would have blown his mind if he heard me. In speaking of a blown mind, he’s about to get his mind blown to bits for real. “I’m sorry for his actions. I'm also sorry, but would you mind leaving without spilling blood? I know it's stupid to ask, but I'm sure you know just how hard blood is to get off of things." I lean a bit over the counter.

"Stop being a pathetic bootlicker! He ain't deserving of it! Get. Out!"

"You're always welcome here otherwise." I whisper. Ren didn’t hear it, but I’m pretty sure Shouta did as he turned to lock eyes with me for a second before slamming the glass down and turns to glare hard at Ren. I don't even need to see his face to know. The fearful shaking of my boss shows. He stands up, and heads towards the door. He shakily points the gun at Shouta, but he doesn't even bother grabbing his pistol, just keeps his eyes on Ren. Ren is angering me right now, disturbing the peace between the three of us here. Also for being a darn hypocrite of sorts for not being able to be brave for pointing a gun at Shouta, even though he’d make others do it if they were around.

Ren steps away from the door as Shouta exits. It doesn't take long for the loud pounding of horse hooves to drift away until they’re no longer heard.

Ren puts his gun away, but glares at me. "Why did you not tell him to leave when he entered!? Men like that ain't welcome around here.”

I look at him like he's stupid, probably because he is. "What in tarnation did you want me to do about it? Money is money, ain't it? Even then, a simple person such as I had no chance against a man such as that. Do you even see a gun around me!?”

He swears under his breath. “Close up early.” He leaves. ??? What? Just comes in here to disturb us for that? It’s confirmed, he’s not stable.

Despite everything I could do, I decided to just listen and close it early. I grabbed the glass Shouta used, and started to clean it.

“You’re right you know,” I stop cleaning the glass and look at the blond. “About Shouta. He’s a kind man, just given odd cards for his life. All it takes is one bad doing to make someone thrown in the dark. He’s saved me more than once before. Unfortunately, one time he did accidentally kill a good man. Hizashi was his name. At least, that’s what everyone believes. Someone else shot him, but pinned the blame on Shouta. Everyone believed the other man before they believed him. There’s no way he’d purposefully kill his friend though. Sure, Hizashi was a troublemaker at times, but he had a heart of gold. Friendly to all.”

My brows crease. “Why have I never heard about this?” This seems like something that really should be known.”

He grows a saddened expression. “Many have simply chosen to forget or listen to him. Shouta gave up trying to convince people and just accepted his new way he has to live.”

I’m angry at people for doing this to him, and also sad for him. Just thinking about how bad and painful it would to be not be listened to when telling the truth and no one believes me would be devastating.

He leaves, and I leave a bit after finishing cleaning up.

----------------------------

For the past few months, Shouta has visited a few times. Luckily, Ren never came around, so he must be rather stealthy coming here now. I’m sure he comes for the free drinks. Who wouldn’t use that offer? I also started staying open a bit later than normal just for him. Still pretty sure he doesn’t like me too much from constantly trying to talk to him more with no success. Only a few nods or shakes of his head as replies.

Tonight was no different. I kept it open late on the twelfth day of the month. He’s had a pattern of coming on this specific day. Toshinori, the man I finally remember the name of, left not too long ago. I’m all alone now. The eerie silence is rather unnerving when being so used to hearing the piano playing so often.

Sadly, he doesn’t enter the saloon after a while of waiting. Maybe he’s busy tonight? Or maybe he got injured? There’s no way he could have been caught, right? I really hope not. I close the saloon and start to head home. It’s really late at night with the moon at its highest point in the sky. It’s a full one tonight, showing everything around me rather brightly. I pass a house on my way to mine, only to be suddenly slammed into the wall of it.

There was a familiar face to the body. Ren!? He holds a gun right up to my neck. His breath is shaky and obviously full of anger. “You… Stupid… Did you really think you could keep going against my back without me finding out!?” He pushes the gun harder on my neck. “I really hoped to be wrong that you were helping that.. Filth of a man. Oh no. No, no, no, no! You’ve not only kept serving him, you’ve been doing it free. You deserve to be fucking executed for that!”

He wasn’t alone. There were three other silhouettes that revealed themselves as men in the shadow of the building next to this one. They were close friends of his, and I’m pretty sure I remember the one farthest from me being rather close to Mizuki. The situation started to show, and fear quickly started rising. I’m going to die. “No, you deserve to be killed now for stealing from me! I give you a place to stay, and you steal! I should have left you to the bandits.” He seethes.

“Heh, I reckon we use ‘em as bait. We could pin the blame on them instead, and maybe their new “friend” will be angry enough to kill them. He’s had no problem killin’ people close to him before” Ren grows a sadistic smile. “You know? That’s the best idea!” He leans dangerously close to my face. My body recoils at the stench of his breath. It’s foul enough for my stomach to want to release everything in it.

The sound of two guns being cocked brought my attention to behind the man farthest from me. It’s Shouta. “There’s one problem with that plan.” He says. His tone seems a bit sharper than what I’ve heard though.

All the men sharply turn around with their guns held, pointing at Shouta.

“Oh, hey, Shouta. Sorry for-” Ren pushes the gun hard enough on my neck that it cuts me off from talking. “Shut it.”

I’ve never seen Shouta’s face so angry before. “Let them go, and maybe you’ll be spared.” He nearly hisses, but is trying to stay level-headed.

Ren suddenly starts laughing. “Aw, does the murderous outlaw have a big ol’ soft spot for this pathetic thing? How touching!” His finger on the trigger twitches. “Just makes me want to kill them more!”

Gunfire rang out. Something warm hits my face. I cringe at the quick realization it’s Ren’s blood. Ren’s body collapses to the ground. The others try to shoot at Shouta, but he dodges them all and shoots all of them through their heads. People’s lights started to turn on and others were coming out of their houses to see the commotion.

Shouta holsters his guns and whistles for his horse. A black Arabian runs up right next to him. “Thanks for saving me. You might want to leave though before you get more involved.” I try to walk away, but he grabs onto my arm, pulling me towards his horse. “What are you doing!?” I ask as he pushes me towards his horse.

“Something I should have done months ago. Get on.” What is he making me do? People will get the wrong idea if they see me with him.

“But-”

He nudges me by the horse again. “Get on.” I comply with a bit of difficulty from not used to being on a horse. He then gets on the saddle in one quick movement. The horse takes off as bullets from others whiz by us. I hug his rather well-toned torso to hold on. Luckily, none of them hit as we got far enough away.

It doesn’t take long for us to get to a house that looks abandoned. It was a rather small house with only a window on the front right next to the door. It’s hidden incredibly well by a few large hills.

He gets off the horse, ties the reins up, and nudges me towards the small house. "Why did you make me come with you? Now people will get the wrong idea."

He opens the door and allows me in first. Moonlight sone through the window enough to make the inside visible. On the left is a decent sized bed that seems a bit worse for wear, but still sturdy with rather clean looking sheets. The only other things in here was a wardrobe against the wall farthest from the door, and a chest under the window on the right side. “They would have gotten the wrong idea anyways. It wouldn’t have been the first time.” He ends up saying with his voice a bit strained. No doubt he’s remembering his friend.

He closes the door, and surprisingly, hugs me from behind. “Not again. I’ll make sure of it.”

I quirk a brow. The attention isn’t unwelcomed, but quite a surprise.. “You DO know I could have been shot as we left, right?” I ask. Wrong thing to say. His arms tightened substantially as he buried his head in my neck.

“They’d all be dead.”

“Wait, but they wouldn’t have done anything.” A bit of fear laced through me. Not for me, but for the others.

“Someone injuring or threatening you deserves death.”

“You’re supposed to be a good outlaw, what happened?” I ask, already kind of knowing the answer, and angry with myself for being so nice in the first place.

“Today happened. Those… things that nearly harmed you were right with their thoughts. No matter what I do, everyone is going to think I’m bad. It’s time for me to be a bit selfish for once. That selfish want is wanting you close to me.”

My heart is torn between melting at how cute that kind of is to still being fearful for others.

“That’s sweet and all, but you and I both know this isn’t gonna work for many reasons. One being we both can’t keep riding the same horse. It ain’t fair to the poor thing.” I felt him smile on my neck.

“We’ll get you one at some point. Judging from your struggling earlier, we have a ways to go first.”

I smile. This could be fun. What’s not fun is the mostly dry blood cracking on my face. “Sounds like fun, but uh… Got anything to clean this blood off?”

He tenses. “Blood?” The way he said it made me wish I didn’t say anything about it. He stops hugging me and turns me around, closely examining my face.

“Don’t worry, it’s not mine. It does feel gross though.”

Within a blink of an eye, he pulls out a rag and goes over to the chest to see a rather large jug of water. He dips it in the jug and comes back to wipe it off my face with a deep frown on his face.

In an odd form of suddenly feeling silly, I poke his nose with my right pointer finger. He blinked in surprise at me. He grows a soft smile that almost doesn’t seem suiting of him. It makes me chuckle.

“You know, It’s surprising to me you actually care. Or uh… Love me? Or whatever it really is. For the longest time I could swear you hated me.”

“I did at first,” Okay, points for honesty. “I expected you to be like an earlier nuisance I had to take care of. That changed especially after my third visit. I noticed you weren’t acting like it just to me. You were genuine with everyone. Toshinori helped by informing me more of your... issue that you told e a bit about,” He leans in close, fully cutting the conversation. “I think this is long overdue.” His lips touch mine. It was a really quick kiss that I barely had time to register.

I smirk. “So you DO love me, or am I looking too much into it?”

He’s not amused. “You already know the answer to that.”

Now I know I have a deadly outlaw that loves me. I guess in a way I should thank Ren.

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#yandere western shouta #yandere mha x reader #shouta x reader #western au #outlaw shouta #yandere shouta aizawa

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deepiphany · 3 years

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“When I close my eyes, it's you there in my mind”

“Why do I pull you close and then ask you for space?”

✿8 LETTERS✿

Jennifer pushed her back to prevent them to fall in her face. Today was a long day. She had to stay back in Uni to complete an assignment as she had completely forgot about and if she hadn't turned it in today itself, she couldn't have been able to pass the semester. As she had turned in the due assignment and looked at her watch, she had thought, 'I'm... Doomed!!! RUN!'. She was late for her work.

She had to work extra hours than what her shift was to compensate for being late. On normal days, her work place manager would have let her off the hook since she was always quite punctual but since she worked in a food place and since it was weekend, there was too much crowd and they often needed more employees than usual to handle everything smoothly.

She smiled sadly as she realised that there won't be anyone worrying about her going home late since she lived alone. She didn't have a boyfriend who would occasionally check on her either. All her friends were just as busy as she was so she didn't expect anything from them.

On her way out of the 'Staff Only' room which she had been in for the past ten minutes for a quick rest, she collided with someone near the exit.

"Oh I'm sorry." She apologized quickly. "I wasn't looking—" she looked up at the person standing in front of her and paused. "Oh, Cameron!"

She knew Cameron since the day she had joined here. He was pretty easy to get along with as he was very charming, friendly and out going. They worked together for a few months and then their shifts never overlapped again after her Uni started. She had started missing him a lot, unaware of the fact that she might've developed a little spot in her heart for him.

"It's alright." He smiled at her. "I need to go though, kinda in a hurry. Let's catch up with each other later!" He said as he began walking in the direction of the Kitchen.

"Works with me." Jennifer yelled loud enough for him to hear as he had already stepped inside the kitchen by then.

'Alright. You can pull through! Only a few minutes left until I'm free!' She thought to herself as she looked at the clock.

She worked diligently no matter how hard it was on her until the last minute of her shift. She wondered how all these people went out like this on such a cold night. It was the start of winter and everyone were wearing coats or sweaters and gloves to warm themselves up. Sadly for Jennifer they didn't have a warm uniform so she occasionally had shivers run down her spine everytime the door opened and the cold wind blew right by her side.

She smiled merrily when the clock ticked to terminate her working hours for that day and quickly removed her apron as she made her way towards the changing room.

She changed quickly in her regular clothes and put on some warm clothes over then. As soon as she got out as she started looking for Cameron. She would be lying if she said she wasn't excited to spend some time with him after all these months.

She searched for him everywhere but to no vail. He couldn't be found anywhere. She pouted sadly as she thought he might've been too tired and had forgot about her. He might've just went straight home.

She sighed as she left her working building and started walking towards her appartment on the sidewalk. It was pretty late so there was no one to be seen on the road. Buses had stopped running so she had no choice but to just walk.

A long time had passed until she sensed someone's presence behind her. She heard someone's footstep's walking in the same pace as she was.

At first she thought that it might be someone innocent. But she got a little taste of fear when that person seemed to take the exact same turns as her at intersections.

'It's okay. They might be living in the same area as mine.' She consoled herself.

She licked her lips nervously when the footsteps started to speed and could be heard closer and closer to her.

'No! This isn't it!' She started running for her dear life.

"Whoever you are! Just back off! I have a weapon on me!" She tried to threaten them with wavering voice.

"Jennifer!" They called out her name making her halt in tracks. "It's me— ouch!"

They hadn't expected her to stop all of a sudden and bumped their nose on the back of her head.

"Cameron!" She whipped around with anger evident in her voice. "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"I was worried about you, okay?" He said as he rubbed his nose with his hands to lower the pain that he felt. "No need to raise your voice at me like this. It's just that it's quite late so I wanted to accompany you."

Her anger quickly dissipated upon listening to his words. "Oh Cameron..." She said with a small smile on her lips.

"Also, I've been wanting to say something..." He trailed off as both of them began walking together.

"Shoot." Jennifer said as her veins filled with thrill. She knew where this was going. Finally she was going to see the day she had been waiting for!

"You know me the best, you know my worst, seen me hurt, but you don't judge, that, right there, is the scariest feeling..."

"W-what are you talking about?" She said, completely taken aback. 'I don't know anything about you except for the small time we spent together working!' she thought to herself.

"Opening and closing up again I've been hurt so I don't trust. Now here we are, staring at the ceiling." He continued to say.

"We're on a road... Staring at a lamp post..." She said as she made a weird face. What the hell was going through Cameron's mind?

"Isn't it amazing?" He said as he took her hands in his, making her blush a little. She was thankful that it was winter so she already had redness on her cheeks making it hard to notice her blushing.

"How almost every line on our hands align, when your hand's in mine—"

"We're literally wearing gloves right now, idiot!" She frowned at him.

"It's like I'm whole again. Isn't that a sign? I should speak my mind?" He asked her.

She pulled her hand out of his grip with force. "What the hell are you talking about, Cameron? If you're here to play decipher the cryptogram then I'm sorry I don't have time for your BS. Leave me alone if this is what you wanted to do!" She began walking away from him.

"All it is...is... eight letters..." He stammered. "So why is it so hard to say?"

She halted in her steps and gulped in anticipation. Was he going to say the exact same thing that she had imagined?

"What eight letters are you talking about?" She turned around to ask him and walked closer to him to hear him clearly.

"I— I. Uh... I don't know how to say it... I— I'm sorry..."

She smiled kindly towards him. "It's okay," she said. "I won't make fun of you. No one would know what you say to me now." She took his hands in hers.

"B... BUTTOCKS!" He finally managed to say.

"What the hell?" She pushed his hands away from her, making Cameron stumble backwards. "Are you freaking crazy? What do you expect me to say?" She felt so offended at his words. "IDIOT!" She yelled. "You don't know anything!"

"Then what do you want me to say!? What should've I said, huh!?" He yelled back at her in frustration.

"It's so freaking easy, you idiot!" She sighed in frustration.

"FARTFACE!"

___________________________

I know! I know that I raised everyone's expectations by adding some image aesthetics (that I totally didn't rip off of Pinterest) and lyrics aesthetics in the beginning but then you scroll towards the end and see "FARTFACE" and just wonder what happened here O_o

Ugh idek what happened here it's all because I couldn't get this out of my head when writing this—

[my screenrecorder sucks at recording good quality audio bare with me :)]

“It isn't cute nor is it funny, I've written a cursed story” — Dee; December 2020

I KNOW I WON'T GET ANY STORIES REQUESTS NOW AND IT'S OKAY I UNDERSTAND WHY ANYONE WOULD NOT WANT TO ASK ME TO WRITE ANYTHING FOR THEM(ᗒᗩᗕ)

#8 letters #why don't we #wdw jonah #wdw jack #wdw zach #wdw corbyn #wdw daniel #free write #writblr #writers on tumblr #writing #my writing #writers #asks open #send me asks #ask me anything #cursed story #Spotify

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lunebinnie · 5 years

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(1/14)I am so sorry for taking so long! (I also had to spend a lot of time studying this week bc I had my first exam for my Anatomy Lab on Wednesday... And then we had our first exam for *Lecture* Thursday (which also was the day I had a bunch of powerpoints due for my very intimidating adviser...) and then I had to substitute teach all day Friday (and then I meant to respond sooner but I got so busy 😭) so yeah I completely understand about school getting in the way no worries abt it!)

And also sleeping in on a day off when you’ve been busy studying lately is completely valid hon 👌 I hope that your midterms go well and that you’re able to stay healthy and take care of yourself in the midst of preparing! (not that you wouldn’t, I just have a bad habit of neglecting things like healthy sleeping and eating habits when I get caught up studying, so hopefully you’re not like me in that way) And yeah me too! I mean on the one hand I understand *why* they have that limit

3)If u could just send as many as u want there would be so much more spam and ppl would definitely abuse that. But also?? Um? I have a chronic condition called ‘Can'tShuttheFuckUp-itis’? 🤷 This policy is so discriminatory towards people like me who suffer from this crippling condition! I feel oppressed honestly 🙄 tumblr rlly has something against ppl just trying to get to know each other huh? Lol, but at least now we know why it eats them I’ll be sure to try to prevent that in the future

4)And oh my gosh that’s so cool! I’m super jealous!! 😮 lol. I wish they hosted kpop nights at my local bar! 😭😭 But no, I’m here at my little state college in a little 2 mi2 town just under pop 5500 (and idek if that’s before or after counting college students) in the middle of the 'farm zone’ of my state. All we get is country night @Riley’s 😩 RIP. But ya I wish I had more ppl around me who were into kpop! So far I’ve only met 3 ppl who listen to it. One was that roommate I told you about

5)One is just a casual listener who isn’t really into 3rd gen groups and mostly just listens to Girl’s Generation but that’s valid, and one isn’t even rlly a fan of any groups in particular, she just puts the kpop station on when she studies bc she says she needs music but if it’s in English she gets distracted, lol And omg that is insane! $500?? And 5 copies of the same album? 😲 (Says the girl who’s been a Monbebe for a hot 2 months and has already bought three (3??) Monsta X T-shirts… 😂

6)in my defense tho one of them was only $10 bc it was Black Friday? And u can’t blame me, Hot Topic is my krypotonite lmao) but yeah I already feel guilty about spending 30+ dollars on one copy of an album (thx international shipping) That’s so wild. And yeah I don’t get why ppl feel the need go out of their way just to insult other ppl’s music taste. I’m also pretty self conscious abt sharing my music taste and obviously the way everyone around me talks abt kpop has made me even moreso now 🙃

7) I haven’t gotten into too many groups yet bc I’m trying to go slowly and focus on getting into one group at a time but I do have a long list of groups I plan on getting into eventually! NU'EST is one that I’ve heard some of their songs on my Spotify based on my listening history and they’re on the list haha 😂 And omg I feel really similarly about Got7! I tried to get into them after I got into Monsta X and right before I got into Astro and although I did really like some of their songs

8)I haven’t really been able to get into their music as much as MX and Astro’s yet. I do think they seem like a really fun group in terms of personality though. As for the comeback I know right?? I mean I know a lot of ppl were freaking out abt the comeback being a 'sexy’ and how it wasn’t gonna be the same cute Astro we all love anymore. But they filled the MV with flowers and glitter and still managed to make it sexy as fuck! This album has a very different vibe but it still felt like them

9) They managed to pull off a more mature and sexy concept while still staying true to themselves and I’m so here for it! I don’t know if I could really pick a favorite era because I love them all! I mean Spring Up was an excellent era and every era since then has been great. They really don’t know how to have any bad concepts or make any bad songs huh? Lol. Since I’m still pretty new I really love the title tracks since I’ve heard them the most. (I have listened to their full discography

10)But I haven’t listened to their Bsides enough to pick out my favorites from those) I also really love Again though! The first time I saw the dance practice I was super into it and then I looked up the lyrics and was like 'this is supposed to be sad/regretful song it has no reason to be this much of a BOP?!’ 😂 I have such a hard time picking favorites though. Since All Light is new though I actually have listened to it enough times to pick some 'non-title song favorites’ from there haha

11) Other than All Night (which is great, obvi) I also really like Starry Sky, Moonwalk and Role Play 😂 and Bloom is so pretty oh my god! 😭😭 the album is great and has no bad songs but those are the ones I particularly like. I feel u about the dances honestly. I think that’s actually what drew me to kpop initially. I mean I like listening to the songs ofc but it wasn’t until after I actually watched an MV/saw the choreography that I actually was like… Oh shit I’m gonna have to be a fan now

12) It was the visual aspect that really made me want to be a kpop fan bc I haven’t really seen that level of performance with any western music. Which isn’t to say I think all western music is bad but I think it’s really impressive to watch kpop groups singing and also doing really impressive choreography and performing at the same time. Plus that’s the part I can show my family and say 'even if you don’t like the music because of the language barrier you have to admit they’re talented dancers’

13)And yes! With Astro especially I think the dance practices rlly succinctly capture the reason why I love them so much. They are *super* talented but they also have such great chemistry and u can rlly tell that they just love each other and have so much fun together! I love a family of six hardworking dorks! 🤧💗 lol. And yeah it’s too bad that neither of are able to see them this cb ☹️ (I also did the 'hypothetically…’ research but it wouldn’t have worked out 😒) I hope you’re right though!

14)Hopefully the success of this comeback is the catalyst to Astro getting more of the attention they deserve and there will be many more opportunities to see them in the future! (Although it is too bad we won’t be able to see live performances from this cb, since it’s so pretty 😭 tho with their track record I’m sure future cb’s will be just as good lol) But what about you? Do you have any favorite songs from this cb in particular? Talk again soon! (I’ll try 2 b better @ responding 😭) -AHA

FUCKKK okay so after like a million years of midterms + 2 days straight of sleeping ya girl is BACK to answer these asks after getting through the hurdle of copying and pasting and italicizing 14 asks onto one response on my phone. Did I perhaps fail at least 3 of my midterms? Quite probably. Do I have the energy to care atm? No. Did I need to get away from everything and fly to Boston to visit my friend for reading week? Yes.

How did all your exams go? That sounds crazy though! I hope you got through everything ok!

Tbh I have the same unhealthy habits too, I essentially became nocturnal and lived on like one meal a day + snacks and coffee 😭 fr, I would be writing my midterm from 11:30-1:30, go home to eat, sleep from 4-7pm, then wake up to study all night for the next one, and repeat,,,,, I’m like an actual mess tbh

Honestly as much as I’ve enjoyed the Aroha secret admirer thing (it was sooo nice getting to meet new people) rn I’m just so glad that post-reveal we don’t have to deal with tumblr ask limits and writing entire essay responses all in one go.

Honestly 3 shirts isn’t even THAT bad especially if they weren’t all like ordered from overseas so they wouldn’t have been that expensive. When I went to the Myeongdong underground shopping centre I went craaaazy with Kpop merch despite stanning (at that point, pretty much only) BTS for a whole 3 weeks, so I ended up coming back with 2 albums, a bunch of stickers, a photocard pack (also bonus: got an Astro one too) and like a BUNCH of bt21 stuff. Speaking of, my All Light album finally came in!! I ended up getting a Moonbin, MJ, Jinjin, and Sanha photocard plus the a Rocky lyric booklet and ik I basically got THE best set for someone who loves all of them w my whole heart 😩✊ but I’m still sad I didn’t get any Eunwoo cards since he was my first Astro bias 😭 it’s soooooo pretty I love it sm and like lowkey I’ll probably end up buying more of their albums anyway oopsss

Speaking of Monsta X btw, I heard their new song and I thought it was really good! What did you think of it?

Regarding favourite songs, I swear my moods change so much, so it’s pretty common for me to not love a song at first and sort of rediscover it months later, and tbh that’s kind of what happened with Innocent Love, Baby, and Again. In this album though, I’d say my favourite Bsides are probably be Bloom, 1 in a Million, and Heart Brew Love.

And I toootally agree with the performance aspect of kpop being the thing to attract me it, even before I got really into it I’d sometime like to watch dance practices (and lowkey even learned a bunch of choreos a with my friend last term just bc we had access to a frequently empty dance studio). It’s just super impressive to see people singing and dancing at the same time mostly live, and for the same reasons I’m also super into musicals as well, which isn’t so say I think like lip syncing or just dancing/singing is bad, it’s just refreshing to see it done all at once, you know?

Also side story it turns out that I actually DO know another Astro fan irl!! Her older sister (who I’m closer to bc we’re closer in age) is the one who bought the million got7 albums. Even though she’s been a fan of Astro since before debut, her sister doesn’t even know she listens to kpop since she was afraid of getting roasted at first, but now she’s in too deep to say anything. I’d mentioned liking Astro to her before, but she didn’t say anything bc she didn’t want to expose herself in front of her sister but on Friday I saw her while her sister was out and she was like “oh btw here’s a secret I went to the Toronto fanmeet last year but my sister doesn’t know” I was SHOOK but tbh I’m just super glad now to have someone to talk about it and go to concerts with (I’m banking on the fact that they’re coming back)

Anyway, THANK YOU SO MUCH for waiting 2747287482 million years for my response, and it was so great to finally (officially) meet you Kjersten!

@kaptain-k-pop

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the-last-airbadger · 6 years

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My 2017

The end of the year is in sight, and so it is time to, once again, write a long post in which I look back on the past year and get all sentimental and stuff. It’s fun! And since I’ve kinda made an annual tradition out of it, why the fuck not?

I’m gonna be using the same questions/categories as I did last year for maximum comparison (and so I know what to write about), so if you want to read last year’s post, I’ll link it here: (x)

The Beginning of 2017 vs. Now I definately think that there’s a huge difference between the beginning of the year and the end. When this year started, I was sooooo busy with school. I had multiple test weeks coming up and I was behind on almost all my subjects. The stress of all that stuff caused me to feel really unhappy, and apart from that my transition also wasn’t really moving forward. And now? Now I’m five months on T, finished with school, and even though work is still stressfull at the moment and I’m still not really happy, I can say that I’m a lot happier than I was at the beginning of the year. I also feel like at the beginning of the year I was kinda stuck in a negative mindset. I felt lonely all the time, and I had just started to realise that I was a very insecure person and I felt really lonely and busy and isolated and I just wasn’t in a good place, ya know? And I feel like in the past year I’ve become better at dealing with my insecurities and with jealousy, which has increased the value I have of myself, which has definately improved my quality of life.

So, to summarise it: Since the beginning of the year I’ve reached multiple of my goals, reached some milestones and, most importantly, I’ve grown as a person.

Best things about 2017 So many good things happened this year! I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll try to start with things that happened at the beginning of the year and just see where it leads me. I hope I won’t forget anything lmao.

Okay, so first of all, Voltron season 2, 3 and 4 were all released this year! Three seasons! That’s crazy! I didn’t really enjoy the last two that much, but damn, season 2 was really fun! Other tv shows that got new seasons this year were Stranger Things, Doctor Who (I can’t believe I’ve only finished the tenth doctors seasons this year! I can’t believe I’ve not been into Doctor Who for more than a year! It’s so much funn!!!!), Brooklyn Nine-Nine (which reminds me, I started watching “the good place” this year! Amazing show!), and Sense8! Speaking of sense8, I only started watching it in the beginning of this year, and it has easily become one of my favourite shows ever! I’m so glad I got to watch this show this year!

Then in february, I discovered the band One Ok Rock, which is one of my favourite bands at the moment. It’s crazy to think I haven’t even known them for a year, because they’ve become such an integral part of my music library. And so have Lindsey Stirling and Ed Sheeran by the way! I went to a Lindsey Stirling concert in March and have become a huge fan of her latest album “brave enough” ever since then. And Ed Sheeran’s album “Devide” had some amazing songs on it that I connected with instantly and have helped me through some hard times. I really can’t believe I’ve only been listening to these songs for like nine months or something. It feels like it’s been forever. The same goes for a certain musical genre by the way, but we’ll get into that later!!

Then in may, two amazing things happened, first of all I got to perform on a huge stage with my choir, and met some famous dutch people there! Roel van Velzen for example! That was crazy! We were on TV!!!

The second thing is, I finished my exams and was done with school! This made me feel sooooo much happier. I instantly just felt a lot better and suddenly had time to do stuff I liked, like read and write and play the piano. Honestly, those months (end of may - end of august) were some of the best months I’ve had in a loooong time. I wish I could go back sometimes lmao.

So yeah, I graduated, turned eightteen, went to Ireland for the first time. All of that stuff was amazing. Then, on the 28th of june, I went to the hospital and got one of the best surprises I’ve ever gotten. I COULD FINALLY, FINALLY, GO ON T! If I had to pick my best day of the year, I’d probably choose this day. Testosterone has already improved my life so much and I’ve only been on it for five months. I can’t imagine how much it will change me in the next year and I also can’t wait to find out!!

Oh, and after that, I GOT INTO KPOP! I started really listening to Day6 during my vacation to ireland, but around the end of august/beginning of september, I started to get really really into SHINee, and in extention, to kpop. Honestly, this might sound dramatic, but Day6 and SHINee have added so much to my life. Their music and just their personalities never fail to make me smile, and they bring me comfort when I feel down. Since a few weeks, BTS has also been added to that list. Their music and the members just really mean a lot to me, so I’d say kpop is definately one of the best things that happened to me this year.

Then I got a job in september, and I can’t really remember if anything big has happened since then. The only thing I can really think of is I SAW JACKSEPTICEYE LIVE! That evening was such a fun evening and it was awesome to finally get to see one of my heroes in person and to be in the same room with him and see that he’s actually real, haha. I don’t think I’ve screamed that much anywhere else this year.

Oh, and I also went to my first pride this year! Sadly, I couldn’t stay there very long because of work, but it was amazing and I can’t wait to go again!

I also started my youtube channel this year, which is cool. I really love making content for it, but unfortunately it takes a lot of time that I usually don’t have. I hope I’ll be able to keep it up for another year!

So, I think that’s it for this year. If you look at it like this it’s actually quite a lot of positive stuff! That’s always good.

OH AND HOW COULD I FORGET I went to london with my mom this year! It was only two nights but it was amazing and I had loads of fun there!

And another thing I wanted to add is I feel like I’ve become a lot closer with my friends this past year. I guess that’s just what happens when you know them for a year longer, but idk. We see eachother a lot less than last year and despite that we’ve only become closer and I think that’s a really amazing thing.

OH, and I started to watch the You’re So Brave podcast by Chase Ross & Aaron Ansuini and oh my god have these dudes helped me a lot in the past year. Thank you guys so so much!!!

My resolutions for 2017? I haven’t looked at my resolutions for this year since I posted them last year... oops. But I remember quite a few of them and I believe I’ve achieved some of them so I’m just going to copy-paste them here and adress them all individually

Go on Testosterone, for real this time - Did that!! I went on T on the 28th of July 2017 and am now Five months and Three days on T!

Write more! - .... well I guess I failed that one. I wrote exactly four pages in the past year

Save money and buy new jeans, flannels and hoodies - I did save money, and bought my favourite flannel, hoodie and jeans this year, so I guess that counts

Finish School! - DID THAT

Read a lot of books! - Sadly, I didn’t manage to achieve my reading goal on goodreads. I only read 22 books this year when I wanted to read 35. Last year, I read about the same amount, so I’d count this as a fail.

Stay Hydrated! - Idek if I did this lmao. I did become more aware of what I’m eating and what I should eat more and less to stay healthy, so I’m going to count this as a win

Try to make my tumblr blog a safe and positive place for everyone - I’ll let you guys be the judge of that

Stay positive - I’ve definately tried this, so that’s good enough

Try to be the best person I can be - I’ve become a lot more self aware the past year, and I did find out what my flaws were and how to work on them, so I think I did this.

Fight my insecurities - As I’ve stated in the beginning of this post, I think I’ve become better at dealing with them, so I’d say yeah, I did that!

Reach 200 followers on tumblr!! - Did that! I’ve got about 280 followers now!!

So yeah, overall I think I did pretty good in the past year! Better than I expected at least haha

Expectations for 2018 Okay, let’s see. I’m expecting I’ll keep my job until around june/july. I’ll turn nineteen in june, and I’m going to see Paramore, Markiplier, Ed Sheeran and Dan and Phil live this year! Really looking forward to that!! Then in september I’m going to start university, and I think that I’m going to have Top-Surgery somewhere between september and december of this year. Apart from that I don’t really know what to expect. I think university will be quite easy for me education-wise, and hard social-wise, since I’m not good around strangers and might have some slight social anxiety. But apart from that I don’t really have a clear vision for the future. I am probably going to start learing how to drive so I might get my driver’s liscence this year. Who knows? It’ll be a mystery until I’ve lived it guys.

2018 Resolutions? I am feeling ambitious rn so I’m probably gonna set the bar too high but oh well who cares let’s do this

Finally decide what to study

Get Top-Surgery

Write at least 100 pages of a story

Accomplish my reading challenge on goodreads (I’m gonna try 35 books again)

Start University

Make new friends

Stop with my acting classes

Learn how to drive

Improve my drawing skills (maybe make a comic?)

Reach 300 followers on Tumblr

Get more than 20 subs on Youtube and consistently create content for my channel

Learn Divenire on the Piano

Dye my hair

Continue to shower every day (Hygene is important!)

Start working out/exercising regularely

Get new glasses

And yeah, that’s it! I hope you’ve all enjoyed going along on this journey through my past year with me. Looking back on the past year is always one of my favourite parts of new year’s eve. It’s so good to look back and see all that you’ve accomplished in a year and it just makes me really sentimental and stuff and I like that.

Anyways, I hope you all have a great evening, and I’ll see you guys next year!

#personal #idk how else to tag this lol

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perspectiveartist · 7 years

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@opus13

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

THE LAST: 1. Drink: raspberry white tea 2. Phone call: Uh...shit who was it? It was either James or Mom. 3. Text message: Abby <3 4. Song you listened to: ...”Prelude 12/21″ by AFI...I WAS BEING NOSTALGIC 5. Time you cried: Sunday when Mom shamed me into shaving my knees by saying they were gross

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: I mean...I guess. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Kinda. I didn’t at the time but in retrospect, there’s people I wish I had never shown affection for. 8. Been cheated on: ...kinda ambiguous. I thought we were still dating but she claims we weren’t so idfk but as far as I’m concerned yes, that cunt cheated on me and then BRAGGED to me about it 9. Lost someone special: Too many. I’ve been to a lot of funerals. 10. Been depressed: Chronic depression over here :))) 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope, I don’t drink

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Blue, black, and either silver or gold. Which of those I like best depends on the context.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends:Yeah! I made some online friends, at least. I don’t think most of them consider me much of a friend, but I am happy to have them. 16. Fallen out of love: No 17. Laughed until you cried: Uhhh maybe? I don’t think I have but my memory’s shit so I could have 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I guess if anyone’s gossiped about me, they were smart enough to not let me hear about it 19. Met someone who changed you: Nah 20. Found out who your friends are: Ehhh any drama I had with friends was mostly just me taking slight to stupid shit, not anything serious that actually tested any friendships.

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Well yeah since James is friends with me on there 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most people tbh. I don’t really add online friends very often. 23. Do you have any pets: My cat Samoa and betta Maui here, then my two calico girls Kia and Autumn at Mom’s. 24. Do you want to change your name: I used to want to change my name to Melanie or Melissa as a kid tbh but after a while I just accepted my name. Idek what I’d change it to but it wouldn’t feel right. The closest I’ve come is having friends call me Al. 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: Laid on the couch sick as a fucking dog watching TV as I drifted in and out of consciousness. Yaaay happy 25th! 26. What time did you wake up: 10-ish? 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Trying to paint my fidget spinner with nail polish LOL but I fucked up and then got sad and realized I was way tired and was getting to that toddler phase of “I’m so tired that everything is upsetting me”. It wasn’t even much of a day, I think I was just hungover from a full weekend of socializing. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: uhhhhhhhhh I don’t think there’s anything particular I’m excited for. I don’t get hyped for games or movies anymore cuz I don’t have money to drop $60 on a game and movie theaters freak me out (anxiety) 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: Yesterday evening when she was dropping me off in Van Wert for James and his dad to drive me back home 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Only one? My anxiety. At the very least, it would get rid of my eating issues, I could hold a job once I got my strength back, etc. I can live with the depression, but I feel like everything would be more tolerable if my anxiety didn’t stop my body from taking care of itself or working right. 31. What are you listening right now: I WAS listening to Philip DeFranco but tbh that was just white noise for me, I didn’t pay attention much to the issues he was discussing. It just ended. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah, my friend’s ex. I cussed him out over the phone. Then he had his mom and sister cuss ME out lmao what a fucking coward 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: Hmmm nothing at the moment. But that can easily change. 34. Most visited Website: Tumblr because I always come back out of the hopes of finding something new to look at every few minutes 35. Mole/s: Yeah, some. I have one under my right boob that I’ve had since I was little, I have a birth mark on my right elbow that’s like a mole, and then I have little moles on my legs and a couple on my stomach? 36. Mark/s: Yeah, a couple scars if that’s what you mean. I have a vertical scar on uhh my right shin I think, and then I have a scar on my upper lip. 37. Childhood dream: First I wanted to own a zoo, then I wanted to be a veterinarian. Then I realized I can’t handle the nasty parts of working with animals like shit and blood and stuff. So then I just didn’t really have a dream aside from maybe making a comic. But I gave up on that. 38. Haircolor: Dark brown 39. Long or short hair: Medium 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Idk I don’t consider it a crush if you’re in a relationship with them 41. What do you like about yourself: :)))) 42. Piercings: None and no intentions of getting them 43. Bloodtype: No fucking clue. In 8th grade we tried to do an experiment to find everyone’s blood type but my fingers are small and the rooms were cold and I have bad circulation so my teacher lanced me twice before deciding I wasn’t going to get a proper drop of blood to test and he was scared of bruising me cuz I guess I seem like the type to sue. So I never learned. Idek if Mom knows. 44. Nickname: Al, Sharkie 45. Relationship status: Taken 46. Zodiac: Capricorn 47. Pronouns: She/her 48. Favorite TV Show: uhhh idk I don’t do well picking faves I guess Bob’s Burgers 49. Tattoos: None and probably will never have any. If I did, it would be a watercolor style one of a flower that reminds me of a loved one. 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: None 52. Hair dyed in different color: Nope. I want to get some blue in my hair but neither my budget nor my Mom seem thrilled about that so it will probably never happen. It’s expensive and time-consuming to safely bleach my hair. 53. Sport: Idk I played soccer in 4th grade but hated it, then I was on a bowling league for 6 years. But I ain’t played sports in 8 years. 54. (question wasn’t here) ...:D 55. Vacation: Like a dream vacation? Idk travel stresses me out too much for me to get excited about going anywhere outside my house. 56. Pair of trainers: wh...what? Like shoes?

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Fried stuff yeee 58. Drinking: Coke, bottled tea, water, uh...fuck idk 59. I’m about to: smack my head against a wall for my brain being made of cotton 62. Want: security 63. Get married: I have no idea tbh I want to be with James the rest of my life but ceremonies suck. I also have issues of commitment in the way of “Oh god what if it doesn’t work out and then it hurts that much more cuz then he’s not just an ex, he’s an ex-husband?” And if James and I did split, I highly doubt I’d get married. I don’t even have an interest in dating. 64. Career: Fuck a career, I just want an income. I have no illusions of having a job you could call a career.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Kinda weird but it seems like the women I’m interested in I prefer same height or shorter, but men I prefer taller 68. Older or younger: Same age. I don’t have an interest in anyone over a year younger than me, and I just can’t wrap my mind around dating someone older than my brother so no one more than 2 years older than me. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: idk I don’t care about either 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive indicates to me that they’re touchy and I don’t do well with that, but I don’t like loud people either so...they both suck I guess? I can’t be around sensitive people who take things too personally, but I also fucking hate loud assholes. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship, I don’t fuck people I don’t know well. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I guess hesitant since a constant troublemaker would get fucking annoying.

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquor: No 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex on the first date: No 79. Broken someone’s heart: I wouldn’t call it breaking his heart, but I did break up with a guy and he was upset for a little while. He got over it. I’d say it was a dent if anything, we were only together a couple months. 80. Had your heart broken: Not really but I never put myself out there to get it broken either 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: Well duh 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes, hard, but I got over it eventually

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: nah 85. Miracles: nah 86. Love at first sight: nah 87. Santa Claus: nah 88. Kiss on the first date: Depends on the date LMAO James and I technically kissed on our first date but I’d also known him for years and already had feelings for him. If I went out and dated some rando, no, no kiss. Kisses are commitments.

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: Uhm...A tie between Abby and Katie. They’re both always there for me and have been my friends for the past like 12 years. They’re reliable and sweet and supportive and I fucking love them like sisters. 91. Eyecolor: My eyes? Brown 92. Favorite movie: Aladdin

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del-co-mrade-blog · 6 years

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I’m sure at some point I’ll try to morph this blog into something with a theme - maybe communism/activism, maybe aesthetics, I don’t know. Right now I kind of need an outlet, so I guess that’s what it’ll be. I only have two followers, and one of them is my boyfriend, so I guess you two can enjoy the ramblings I’m gonna post here for a while. This tumblr was made because I wasn’t allowed to have one, so I guess I’ll run with the theme of doing things I didn’t think I could do, and actually try to process and be open about my feelings without bombarding one person with them. So, if you’re here for some reason, I guess read on.

If you’ve made it this far, hi.

I don’t know what I’m gonna write about in the future but since this is my first post I guess I’ll just go for what’s on my mind.

I’m really sad rn. A bit ago I reconnected with an old friend. Things didn’t end well between us in the past, due to my past relationship and drama in that friend group, but since I’ve grown and some time had passed, we ended up getting along a lot better than I had originally expected. We reconnected to talk about my ex, who was her friend, and who was a really shitty, abusive person, from whom I have plenty of mental and emotional scars (I’m sure I’ll go on about him sometime in the future). We talked about him, and she seemed to agree that he was toxic, and we ended up talking about a lot of other things, and eventually having semi-consistent contact via snapchat/other social media.

That was so great. I felt like I finally had the friend that I felt I never quite had back in the day, since I think we were both in different places in our lives, and I for one wasn’t able to be honest or genuine with anyone at that point. I had always heard about what an amazing friend she was, especially from my boyfriend, so it was really nice to experience what he was talking about, and be able to connect with someone in the way that we did.

Fun shit, though, her boyfriend of many years hates me. Not to get into that too much at this point, but there is a mutual disdain between us due to things that happened following my breakup with my ex and the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend. He resents me (supposedly) for being shitty to my ex (lmao), ripping my current boyfriend out of his life (which my bf doesn’t regret sooo), and I guess just generally being .... idek to be honest haha. I’m not a huge fan of him for being a horrible friend to me and pretty much anyone else I’ve ever witnessed him be friends with, in my opinion a bad boyfriend, and p much the opposite of someone I’d want to have anything to do with at this point in my life. Oh yeah and sexual assault, but that’s nothing compared to what my ex did I guess.

Side note, I wanna point out a little lesser known irony. While in a relationship with my ex, I was dead inside to the point of intense suicidal ideation. I was extremely depressed and had endured so much abuse on so many levels, I didn’t know how to get out or what to do. One aspect of our relationship is he had spend over a year convincing me to be okay with “polyamory” (aka he wanted to fuck multiple “flavors” (races) of women while dating me). Eventually, with his knowledge, I started a relationship with a mutual friend (my current bf), which began 3 months of confusion wherein I fell in love with one guy while realizing how horrible my past relationship had been. There was a lot of back and forth, since I was scared of leaving the relationship I had been stuck in for so long, but eventually I left and am now dating my wonderful boyfriend. Here’s where the irony comes in. Both my ex and my friend’s ex (from above) resented me for what happened. Thought I was a cheater, a bad girlfriend, whatever. Here’s the tea.

My friend’s bf actively pursued me without my ex bf’s permission for a bit. Even while sitting in the same room, he made me feel him up and kissed my neck - not even 6 inches from my bf at the time. When my bf would step out of the room, my friend’s bf came over and tried to kiss me - when I dodged, he turned the lights out and tried again. He liked being physical with me - said it was bc he was on a break with his gf and wanted to touch someone - but did all of that behind my ex’s back. Same ex he was pissed that I “cheated on”, even though that situation was with his permission and much more above ground. It was about a week or so later he sexually assaulted me, jumped on me shirtless and shoved his tongue down my throat after cornering me in the basement alone. (My bf’s takeaway of all of this, after telling him I was kissed and touched against my will? “I wish he would have asked my permission first”.)

Tea #2: After breaking up with my ex, I tried to stay friends with him because I hated myself so much for “hurting him” (no regrets now, tho). I was so apologetic and just wanted him to forgive me, so I was quite a yes man for a while and didn’t want to cause any more waves in our friend group (that didn’t go so well tho haha). To jump to the chase, about 2 or so months after we broke up, he started telling me about who he was interested in. LO AND BEHOLD, it’s this same friend that I just reconnected with, whose bf sexually assaulted me. He talked about how he wanted them to break up, how he thought about her sexually all the time, how he had fantasies about fucking her in an elementary school (how didn’t i see he was a pedo at that point?), all kinds of stuff. He was trying to find out shit about their relationship in the hopes that they’d break up and he could date her. Told me about how he was talking to her at night and trying to find out her kinks and prove to her that he had the same ones so maybe she’d like him. All kind of shit. In retrospect, maybe I should have said something. Ironic that he was actually trying to do what people claimed had happened between the three of us during the breakup.

The summary of this is: my friend’s bf always had a problem with me since the breakup since I was a “cheater”, and my bf “stole me away” or something. Meanwhile, he was doing the same thing behind my ex boyfriend’s back about 9 months before, AND my ex was doing the SAME THING to him the fuckin second he was single. They’re both shitty, inconsistent people, and I will never have a single good thing to say about either til the day I die.

Getting back on track. My friend’s bf hates me, and since he found out we were talking again, he apparently had a big problem with that. I don’t know many details, but apparently he was v upset with her about it and felt like she was betraying him (I won’t even begin with the levels of irony here). The two of us kept talking for a while, but I knew it bothered her that she was being dishonest with him. One night recently she opened up to me about something going on in their relationship that involved her bf secretly texting his ex behind her back, and one thing led to another and he managed to blame it on her talking to me (fuckin snake). As I have been since we started talking again, I wanted to be supportive of her, and I stand by that because she deserves to know what healthy respect and boundaries look like from someone, but it led to her deciding that she wanted to try to make it work with him, and that we shouldn’t talk anymore.

That’s been it for the most part since then. I’ve checked her social media a few times since (even though we had to disconnect on p much everything) and I’ve refrained from liking any of her posts, even though I’ve wished I could. It sucks because I can tell she’s going through some shit still, or at least was as of a bit ago, but I can’t ask if she’s okay, reach out to her, be a support system - be a fucking friend.

And this is what led me to start typing here as an outlet. We had a tiny bit of contact today, which I felt and feel guilty about since I really don’t want to stress her out or get her into any trouble. I was just reading an article about abusive relationships and “trauma bonding”, which is something that happens in an abuse victim’s brain that makes staying in their abusive relationship almost addicting, making it very hard to leave or see the situation clearly. I read it and very closely identified it, but also read it and saw a lot of things that made me worried for my friend. See, I know her boyfriend. We were friends for a while and I watched him be shitty to other people, and shitty to me, and honestly shitty to her for a long time. He’s not a good person. He reminds me so much of my ex it makes me sick, and especially makes me sick to know that she’s in that relationship and doesn’t feel like she can/should leave. Everyone has known it since high school - she’s better than she thinks, and deserves more. He has never treated her right for longer than it takes to get back into a relationship with her. That’s not to say there aren’t good things he does - all abusers give you something to hold onto so you can rationalize staying. I’m sure he does, my ex did, all shitty boyfriend and abusers do. I read that article and got really sad and really scared for her.

She told me that she doesn’t know how much she’ll let him hurt her. I have the same fear. I let my ex hurt me for so long, and would have let him do it to this day if my current boyfriend hadn’t gotten involved. I know she wants to make it work, but what I don’t think she understands, and I didn’t want to tell her out of respect, and it’s not her problem.

There is nothing she can do, or should do, to make it work. All she can do is push down how she feels and make excuses in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. She idealizes who he was in the past, yet admits he wasn’t good to people in the past. She says he wants to get better, yet all I’ve ever heard is that he apologizes and repeats the patterns. She says he is sorry for the things he’s done and wants to make them right, but I know several people he has wronged, and never seen him do anything to make it up to them. He says what he needs to say, and since he’s good at being manipulative, it works. And I don’t blame her. I don’t think she’s stupid. I don’t think a single negative thing of her. I was there, I know how it is. They’re really fucking convincing and can make even the worst things seem okay, turn anything into your fault, or take the blame and yet avoid blame altogether.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sit here and watch someone go through what I did. In retrospect I would have wanted someone to get me out, even if it hurt (in fact, my bf did, and I will be forever grateful). I want to help her live her life in a way I bet she doesn’t think is possible. Live truthfully. Surround herself with supportive people. Find someone who truly truly loves her and respects her. Have total control of her body and mind. Be fucking truly happy for more than hours or days at a time. SHE CAN DO IT. I fucking know she can. If she believes that she’s worth it and she wants what’s best for herself, she’ll leave. I wouldn’t say it to her before, but I spend a lot of time studying abusive relationships both because of my past and because of my field of study. She isn’t in a healthy relationship. He’s not good for her. It’s never going to get better. It’s not her fault.

So many people care about her and will be there for her (hopefully) when she decides to leave him. We will all support her and help her be her best self. She won’t be lonely, there’s always someone to talk to, usually someone to hang out with.

God I wish things weren’t how they were. I want to respect her boundaries, but equally I want to help her get through this and be in a better place.

What the fuck do I do.

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