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zankivich · 5 years

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Neighbors: Shawn x Plus Size Reader Chapter 16

a/n: this felt good to write. It feels like a natural progression. it’s a lot of y/n and a lot of internal reflection. I hope you like that. I hope that it’s worth it in the end. I really tried to do them justice.

Warnings: some really sad, angst smut. some internal reflection on past traumas. mentions of alcoholism.

*y/n point of view*

“W--What?” He whispered. “Wait, what?”

“Shawn I--”

“Not right now! I just need a minute okay?!”

You listen to him to shuffle around probably in order to find a place to be alone. This definitely isn’t how you thought about telling the news. In fact you weren’t quite sure you’d ever share it with him at first. But, now he’s here offering you everything you ever wanted...at least up until twenty-four hours ago. And you can’t help but feel like it’s too late.

“Listen, I know I fucked up. I know I fucked up worse than anyone ever could but...we’re us! I can’t even imagine us not finding our way back to each other. There’s so much for us to talk about, and I have so much to make up for...Just let me come home and we can talk and--”

“There is no home anymore.” You interject.

You can hear his heart accelerating. This was usually the point where you reached for his hands to still them. He just happens to be on a different continent at the moment.

“Y/n what are you saying? Of course there is. We’re neighbors. We--We have each other’s keys.”

“I’m moving out of my apartment.” You blurted.

“You’re moving?” He gasped, voice a little shallower, a little more wet. “Honey you--you don’t need to do that. Please, don’t do that. I know that I hurt you and I’m so unbelievably--”

“It’s not about you. Well, I guess maybe it kind of is, but not like that. Gina offered me a six month sabbatical. She’s gonna let me keep my salary, and I basically just get to travel the world I guess? Do some soul searching? I don’t know I’ve never really gone to many places besides Canada. Till I met you. This is my chance. To get a clean break, to figure out who the hell I want to be.”

You know it sounds like it’s a clean break from him, but it really isn’t. Or maybe it is. There’s far too many details for you to have it all figured out.

“That is...That’s so beautiful. I’m happy for you. It’s uh--it’s what you deserve.” He mumbled. “What does that mean then. For you and me.”

Wasn’t that the million dollar question?

“I think it means that...I’m gonna do my thing, and you’re gonna do yours.”

It sounded so much easier said than done. It sounded as if you hadn’t spent the past month crying over him, like your whole world hadn’t shattered the moment he left you.

“But I--I haven’t been able to breathe since you left.”

There’s a small part of you that finds comfort in his struggle. Not maliciously. But the break up had killed you in a way that no other moment in your life had ever quite accomplished. You felt like a little kid again, when everything that happened was the most important thing to ever happen. Shawn had made you feel like the world could be so much better than you ever thought. He had made you feel happy and special and important and sexy and everything that only you had been able to make yourself feel so long. And when he was gone, all of your training on how to do it yourself was gone. You felt shallow. Lost. Broken. Knowing that it might be possible that he felt the same way made you feel a little less crazy, if only a little.

“I wish that I could allow that to matter right now. I want that to matter but...I don’t think it’s healthy for me to put you first right now. And I don’t think it’s healthy for you to do it either.”

“But you’re...you’re my best friend. I love you so much.” He sniffled.

You closed your eyes as the tears found their way to you again. It’d been weeks and still you couldn’t control it.

“I love you too.” You sighed through the tears. “But maybe we need to learn how to do it on our own for a little while. Maybe that’s what you wanted when you left me and you just didn’t know how to say it.”

He’s silent for a long time. And you don’t know what to say so you stay silent too. It still hurts. There’s still a festering deep inside that you don’t know what to do with. And you don’t want to hate him because he means too much for that. So all you can do is hope and pray that he lets you do this, because it might be the only way to salvage your memories of him.

“Can I ask you something?” Shawn asked, voice soft and withdrawn.

You nodded as if he could see you.

“Yea.”

“Did you take your necklace off?”

It feels left field at first. You peer down at your neck where the swallow still is, and you think maybe you know what he’s getting at.

“No, I didn’t.”

He took a deep breath and let it go, voice a little lighter.

“Okay. Okay, if this is what you need then of course. I’d be a piece of shit to try and stop you. Whenever you’re ready just come find me. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

“Shawn what if--”

He interrupts you this time. “I’ll wait as long as you need, y/n. You’re all I’ve got to wait for.”

It’s final. He’s not willing to discuss it, and a part of you can’t help but want the security of hoping that he’ll still be there no matter what.

“Just don’t...don’t cancel your fucking tour idiot.” You huff. “You love music more than anything.”

“Not quite.” He admitted softly. “Not anymore.”

There’s another weighted silence between the two of them. Another round of having so many things that you want to say to someone, and there just not being enough time.

“I’m gonna go now. Congrats on the show tonight...you looked good.”

You can practically feel him smile. “You watched it?”

“I did. Good night, Shawn.”

“Good night, y/n.”

***

The first place that you fly to is coincidentally Italy. After a little research, it seemed to be a good time of year, less touristy, and you actually had some pretty good flyer miles after all the trips to see Shawn. You rent a small little place on airbnb near the water and it’s literally just you, just you and yourself and no one else. Sure, it wasn’t that different than life before your relationship, but in the aftermath of the break up it felt like a completely foreign concept. You woke up and the day was yours. There were no projects, no phone calls to be made, no marketing meetings or logistics. The most complicated part of your day was whether or not you were going to go down to the beach in a bikini or not. The answer was, abso-fucking-lutely you were.

There’s sunshine and warmth and so much fucking food everywhere. And you’re alone. And that’s okay. It needs to be.

At first it’s all about filling your day with things. You try out five different restaurants, go to three bars, and find a place to get gelato in between. All in one day. You post pictures on instagram with your tits out on full display in a bikini that was sure to make the masses upset, and you just didn’t care. You weren’t doing it for anyone, but yourself. It was your body and your happiness and you were responsible for both. At the end of the day you’d get back to the villa and pass out immediately. But, it meant you weren’t thinking, weren’t reveling, weren’t hurting. Or, so you thought.

You visit Rome, Venice, Florence, and Milan. You’re sitting on another beach somewhere with your toes in the sand and your body wet and warm on a towel when your phone starts to vibrate.

Shawn: Can we talk right now? Need to tell you something.

y/n: I suppose so.

“Hi.” He murmured softly.

And there it was. That thing in your tummy, whether it was a tightening of the muscles, or a flipping of your internal organs. It was a feeling that no one but him could ever make you feel with such ease.

“Hi.”

“You’re in Italy.” He noted. “It looks beautiful. I’ve always wanted to vacation there sometime.”

“How’d you know?”

“Oh you uh...your insta. All the pictures of the--the you know, sites and what not.”

You snorted and let your head nestle back into the comfort of your towel.

“Yes the sites. Surely this has nothing to do with the bikini pic I posted this morning.”

“Bikini, aye? No I guess I missed that one. Must be the timezones. I’m sure you look incredible though. Probably even breathtaking if I were to see it. Which, I have not yet.”

It is incredible how easy it is for the two of you. How quickly you can just fall into that comfort. He had really become your best friend more than anything, more than a lover even. When shit happened to you whether it was good or bad, you could never think of anyone else to talk to. Shawn was always your person. And that’s a hard habit to break.

“Okay big guy, why don’t you tell me what it is you need from me.”

“Right. Well I uh I’ve been writing a lot lately. And uhm, it’s been really helping me in terms of getting through the tour and trying to reestablish some of the passion that I felt like I lost.”

“Well that’s great. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Sure, I guess. Thank you. The uh label wants to do a few releases while I’m on tour. The way music is being released in the digital spotify age now is so incredibly competitive that artists are kind of heading in the direction of having singles between albums.We can thank Ariana for that.”

You smiled softly. “I’m sure there’s a point in here somewhere.”

“Yes. It’s just that...all the songs that I’ve written are completely and totally about you and for you. And I know you’re in Italy and you might be going somewhere else soon, but I didn’t want the first time you here these lyrics to be on the radio somewhere. I wanted it to be because I shared them with you.If you’re willing. If you want to hear them.”

It’s a lot to ask, which definitely explains him wanting to call. In all of your time traveling you had yet to actually sit down and think through some of the hurt that Shawn had left you with. You hadn’t even begun to touch the whole, “is he the one thing”. The fear was that by listening to these songs it might set you back in your healing, in your ability to move on. If that was in fact what you were doing.

“I--I don’t know. Are they sad?” You mumbled.

He chuckled. “Well, If I Can’t Have You was originally a ballad with a super dramatic piano. I think I might have played it that night I called you? It was a lot sadder then. Teddy helped turn into what I’m being told is a ‘summer bop’. I’ve got both versions if you want to hear them”

“Will either of them help me understand you more?”

The real question of course being was it ever going to explain how he could be supposedly in love with her, and then drop her like a bad habit all at once.

He paused. “I’ll answer any question you have, honey. You know that.”

Yea. No thanks.

“‘M not ready.”

“Okay. Okay, that’s okay. I can be okay with that.How about I send you the files in an email and you just...just listen whenever you want. If you want. I’ll send you the release dates too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Well uh… I guess that’s all I had to say.”

“Goodbye Shawn.”

You tossed your phone into your beach bag and close your eyes stubbornly. You really needed to get him off your mind.

***

Your birthday finds you getting a deep tissue massage that is the most action you’ve gotten since leaving for the damn trip. It’s an insignificant birthday and you had been traveling so much that it doesn’t feel all that special in the grand scheme of things. You reply to the birthday texts. Do a facetime call with Stu so he knows you’re still alive. You get day drunk and walk through old cobble stoned streans looking at beautiful buildings and not having to say a word to anyone, because they wouldn’t even understand you if you tried. It’s lovely. Shawn doesn’t call and it’s fine. You’re fine.

There’s a beautiful restaurant that sits on the edge of a hill right where the sun melts into the earth as it sets. You feel oddly at peace as you eat, your sixth glass of wine from the day twirling in your fingers when your phone goes off.

Shawn: Hey?

y/n: Yea?

Shawn: I just wanted to say happy birthday. I planned on calling but I think you’re like 10 hours ahead of me right now and I’m stuck on vocal rest. I also didn’t really know if you’d want me to.

It soothes a broken part of you that thought that he’d forgotten. After All you’d never actually gotten to spend a birthday with him since you’d met in the fall. A part of you wants to cry a little bit, but you’re not drunk enough to be that honest with yourself.

y/n: No worries. You don’t owe me anything.

Shawn: Yea, well I never needed to owe you anything, I just always wanted to give you everything. I’m sorry we’re not spending this day together. It would’ve meant a lot to me to celebrate you.

y/n: yea. Probably would’ve been fun. We always knew how to party.

Shawn: I got you a present months ago but I can’t send it to your apartment anymore obviously, and I didn’t know what part of the world you would be in. Maybe you’ll let me give it to you someday.

He sends you a picture of this book. It’s got no words on the front, just a pretty smooth cover. It isn’t until he describes it to you that your whole world falls apart. He’d somehow managed to scrape together the recipe for every single thing you’d ever made together, or for him, and had someone make it into an actual book. It was literally a story of your relationship and your love through the thing that mattered to you most. He had left some empty pages in the hope that you would continue it together. And that just stung worse than anything.

The waiter sends you a very worried glance as you begin to sob over your pasta. But really, what else was the alternative? What other result could there have been?

Y/n: well shit Shawn. That’s really fucking sweet. I’m sobbing over my bolognese.

Shawn: I never wanted to make you cry. I’ve only ever wanted to make you happy. I love you. I know it’s not fair right now. But it’s my truth.

Y/n: I know, Shawn. I know.

Shawn: I didn’t mean to mess with you on your birthday. We can talk another time. Just have fun alright? Buy a round on me okay?

Y/n: I’ll do my best. Bye Shawn.

Shawn: Bye.

He venmos you enough to buy a round for a whole damn bar. You try not to think about how much it hurts when you find a place to take a shot. You try not to think about him at all.

***

You’re drunk. You’re in a foriegn city that is so beautiful it hurts and your body is full of alcohol. You kind of want a french fry. There’s man on the dance floor who’s been eyeing you all night and it hasn’t even occurred to you to give him the time of day. Even now, right now, if it weren’t for how good the music was you probably would’ve gone home. But instead you let him buy you a drink. And you let him take you on the dance floor. He’s good with his hips and he’s good at manipulating your body. It’s fun.

You’re wearing a dress that stops mid thigh and he tugs at the fabric as you grind to the beat. You’re not sure where the cut off is, where it goes from being dancing and fun to this level of discomfort. Perhaps it’s when your mind sends you an image of Shawn at New Year’s doing the cabbage patch for you. Perhaps it was the reminder than no one but Shawn had touched your body in months, and that you have been so fucking okay with that fact. For whatever reason you pull away from the guy and stumble home with tears of frustration, bitterness, and a little hurt in your eyes. You’re still not processing. You’re deflecting.

In your bed that night you can’t help but reach for the phone, your fingers doing things that a sober you hopefully would’ve known better about. But in the moment your fingers are tugging at this thong that Shawn had pulled off with his teeth once and when it comes to wanting and longing, he’s the only one that you can find yourself reaching for.

“Y/n? Sweetheart it’s two oclock in the morning.” Shawn groaned across the line. “What’s wrong?”

You peer over at the alarm clock on the bedside table. Wherever he is, you’re in the same time zone oddly enough. Maybe it was fate instead of a stupid ass drunken decision.

“I can’t fuck anyone else.” You mumbled.

“I’m sorry?”

“I can’t...I can’t even think about the prospect of sex without your big fucking head in the picture.”

You giggle a little to yourself fingers probing gently at your entrance. He was silent for a long while, long enough for your drunk mind to startle when he finally speaks.

“Were you...was there someone?” He asks quietly.

You roll your eyes up at the ceiling. “No. Just some guy I danced with for a song or two.I don't even remember what he looked like.”

He takes a deep breath and you wonder aimlessly what the hell you would do if he fucked someone else. How that might make you feel. You’d rather just fuck him instead.

“Well, it sounds like you’ve been drinking. Are you somewhere safe?”

“Yes. Where are you?”

“I’m in my hotel room, honey. It’s the middle of the night.”

Men. So naive.

“I miss you.” You hinted.

“I miss you too, y/n. So much.”

Your thighs clenched in agitation and you huffed up at the ceiling.

“No Shawn. I miss you. Please try to keep up here.”

It takes him a minute.

“Oh...oh. I don’t know about that. You’ve been drinking.”

“Have you ever known me to do something that I don’t want to do?” You asked him. “I’m consenting, Shawn.”

“I--I know I just...I don’t want you to ever regret us. Or anything that we’ve done. I’ve made such a mess of things, y/n. And I really, really want to be able to fix them. I love you.”

You’re not exactly in a talking mood. This isn’t about anything more than the fact that you need to get off and for whatever horrid reason, he’s the only one you can do that with. There’s still something ugly and mean in your heart. And you’ve not yet reached a place where anything positive is going to come out of this.

“Look, this is a virtual booty call. Nothing more, nothing less. Either you can do the one thing that you’ve never hurt me with, or I can go to bed a little frustrated. It’s up to you.”

It’s manipulative. You’re tapping into his incessant need to make you happy, and also into this very wounded part of himself that knew that he’d failed you, knew that he’d done something wrong. None of this is healthy. None of this is okay. But you don’t care. You just want to get off, and yea maybe you wouldn’t mind if it hurt him a little bit too.

“Okay. Okay, what do you want me to do?” He whispered.

“I want you to touch yourself.” You hum fingers dipping into your core where you’re already wet and needy. “Just like I am.”

There’s something about it being something that you’ve never done before that makes it feel not as wrong. Shawn was a little skittish about saving anything to his phone, so sexting and phone sex had never gone on the table. Tonight you’re just tapping into the ability to make each other feel something, to make each other reach heights that no one else can.

“I miss stroking you,” You admit softly.

He sighed. “Really?”

“Yea. You always get hard so quickly for me. I just have to trace my finger over that one vein and your thigh always twitches. Is it twitching now?”

His voice is a little lighter.

“Y--Yea.”

“Do you miss my mouth on you?”

“God, y/n. Of course I do. No one’s ever sucked me off like you before. You take me so good.”

You bite your lip to stifle the moans and it’s only because he’s not there to make you be loud, to tug at your lip with his thumb as he pounds you. But then you remember the reason he’s not there and it’s like starting all over again.

“Want you to touch me.” you mumbled trying to clear your mind. “What would you do?”

Shawn at first glance was the adorable puppy dog type. That surely didn’t translate to the bedroom. He had said some of the filthiest things to you with a single curl hanger over his eye and no one, not even his fans who seemed to know where he was at every waking moment, was around to witness it. Even now, with all of the distance--both physical and emotional--between you, he can still get you going immediately.

“I guess I’d just want to eat you out. I love the way that you taste. And the way you always coat my mouth with your juices. I just...fucking love pleasing you. Nothing gets me harder than when you grind against my face and make yourself cum.”

Your back arches and you groan out into your hotel room.

“God when you bump your nose against my clit, it drives me crazy. And when you suck on my thighs?”

“Fuck. Love marking you up. I miss the way you cry out for me when I make you squirt. Have you squirted since we made love last?”

You bit your lip an upset feeling hitting your stomach that you couldn’t rationalize, couldn’t understand. So you just tried to make it go away.

“No. No one makes me squirt like you.”

“Miss you.” He whined, voice breathy and desperate. “Miss the way you clench around me when I’m inside you.”

Your fingers speed up on your clit, your hips buck a little bit. He’s getting you there already and it’s wild.

“Fuck, Shawn!”

“Are you close?”

“Mhm. Are you?”

“Yea. Fuck baby I wish you were here.”

“Shut up. Not now. Just make me cum.”

Your words both turn to pants as you grunt and cry out for one another. Your orgasm builds in your toes and ripples through your entire body. It’s the first orgasm you’ve had since Amsterdam. For a moment it’s just the two of you trying to catch your breath. You’re drunker than you were an hour ago. There’s no doubt. He makes you fucking crazy.

“Y/n...What was that?” Shawn mumbled.

“I don’t know. I--I don’t know. I gotta go. Good night.”

***

There’s a bad taste in your mouth when you wake up the next day. Part of it is whatever the hell you drank the night before, which was quite frankly a little hazy. But, there’s something else there too. And you’re not even sure what it is at first. You’re naked in bed and the sun shines in through the windows so you dive under the covers to get away from it. And that’s where your phone is. That where it all sort of falls apart.

Shawn: Hey I’m sure you’re still asleep but I can’t really get this off my mind and I just needed to be honest with you.

Shawn: I can’t do that, whatever that was last night, again. Idk why but it just made me feel weird. I kinda feel like maybe you were using me or trying to get back at me? Which I guess I deserve

Shawn: I know I fucked everything up. The thing is is that I love you. I never stopped. And I don’t think I ever could. So just go figure your shit out. However long that takes, and I’ll be here waiting. But we probably shouldn’t talk for a while. I think it could help us both. I love you honey. So much. Have a great rest of your trip.

Your heart drops to your stomach as all the memories come rushing back. And it wasn’t just him being able to make you cum at all. It was his hesitance. It was the intimate sharings of your thoughts and feelings for him when your relationship was in such disarray. You told him things that night that had never come up, and he offered you the same. It wasn’t the right space, and yet you had given him an ultimatium as if him having phone sex with you would help anything. He seemed to know you better than you knew yourself. Somehow you had hurt the both of you last night and you had nothing to show for it. If Shawn was willing to go without speaking though it meant you had truly, deeply hurt him. You had thought that might help make you feel better, but it had the opposite effect of course.

You don’t know what to say so you don’t say anything. And you can only hope that that doesn’t hurt him even more.

***

You take a ferry to Barcelona. And listen to Ed Sheeran’s Barcelona far too long. You spend a long time looking at the water and applying sunscreen and trying to remember another time in your life where you felt so out of touch. In college you had been entirely school focused, except for all the drunk shenanigans you and Stu would get up to. And then it had been the career and making yourself stable enough to never have to return home. Somewhere along the line after one too many assholes, you had stopped trying to find a relationship entirely. So you did hook ups, you did casual sex, and that was it. And that had been perfectly fine.

The problem with Shawn was that he had created a need in your heart that you weren’t prepared for. His yearning to know you in all of your complexities, to be there for you, to support you. No one had ever offered that before. And it wasn’t that you’d grown used to it necessarily, but dammit you had begun to try. It just so happened that for every wall he knocked down, there were five more already up and at attention. You weren’t perfect by any means. You were honestly probably a little fucked in the head. But you loved him. You had given in at some point. And he let you down. So, why in the entire hell should you allow him the opportunity to do it again?

There seemed to be a part of you that was jumping up and down and screaming, “I told you so!”. It hurt. It hurt so bad. You kept reliving the moment when it connected for you. When you realized that he was leaving you, he was just too much of a coward to say it out loud. You weren’t good enough. Not for Shawn. Maybe not for anyone long term. The thing that you had known all along from the beginning had come true with such startling reality. You had just been beginning to let go. You weren’t sure that you could do that again.

You stay at this beautiful bed and breakfast type place that was nestled right in the heart of the city where all of the museums and the shops were. You visit the La Boqueria, this large market that seemed to serve anything known to human. You spent an entire afternoon at one of the bars drinking and watching the locals. It was revitalizing in a way.You read books and sit in cafes and look at the architecture of everything around you. It’s all sort of beautiful and historical and vastly different than home. It’s perfect there.

It’s at one of the cafes that you meet her. You’re sitting there in a crop top and shorts reading a book when she comes over to you. She’s got a headscarf on that is this brilliant shade of red and gold. Her skin is a rich bronzed color that is elevated by a full face of makeup with a highlight that could cut stone. She’s maybe one of the most beautiful people you’d ever seen in your life. And she walks up to you of all fucking people. Needless to say you’re a little tongue lied.

“You are American no?” She asked.

“Uhhh...no. No actually I’m Canadian. We’re the nicer versions.”

She giggled. You smiled.

You hadn’t stumbled across many people who spoke english. So you welcomed anyone willing to pity you with a conversation.

“Canadian. Ah, okay. Well, Canadian girl, I cannot help but notice how sad you look. What’s wrong with you?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Well damn, is it that obvious?”

“I would say yes. Can I sit?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer before she’s already sitting across from you. In canada, you could offer someone a seat and they’d apologize before sitting down. What a culture shock.

“I’m sorry. You are one of the most beautiful humans I’ve ever seen, and I’ve apparently been to the grammys. However, I’m a little confused as to what I can do for you?”

She smiled again. “Why thank you! My friend from the UK sent me a fenty highlighter. They’re not available here yet. Does Riri not know that I need to sparkle? Anyway I’m not sure you can do anything for me. I think it may be what I can do for you. So, what can I do for you?”

“I’m...confused.”

“My grandmother grew up here. I used to spend my summers with her until I moved here entirely to take care of her. My mama, she would always say, sometimes there is a need that cannot be seen, cannot be named, but it can be felt. And when you feel it, you must give into it. It is the only way to fix the issue. I feel your need, Canadian girl. I am here to help.”

“Y/n. My name is y/n.” You snorted softly.

“Y/n, I am Priyanka. Girl you should, as the internet tells me, spill the tea.”

Oh lord.

You peered at her in caution. She didn’t scream crazy fangirl, but that certainly didn’t mean anything. She seemed to be in touch with popular culture enough to know who Shawn was. You could only imagine flying back home only to find out that you had accidentally aired all of your dirty laundry directly to the tabloids. But also, she was kind of nice. And still startlingly gorgeous. And there really couldn’t be a ton of pressure there, because you didn’t know her at all. What was the worst that she could do? Leave the table and judge you only for you to never see her again? You had gone at this trip to find some healing, to hopefully recenter yourself a little bit. How could you manage that without a little effort?

And so you tell her. Not that you were kinda sorta dating Shawn Mendes, but that you were dating a guy in the industry whose job was very demanding, as was yours. It is the first time you’ve ever laid it all out word for word, and it’s kind of exhausting to share. But, it also takes a little weight off your shoulders. She doesn’t look at you like you’re crazy after all, which makes it go down a lot smoother.

“So he loves you? But he breaks up with you...because he loves you so much?” She asked. “That is pretty dumb.”

You threw your hands up in excitement.

“Exactly! That is exactly what I said!”

“But, he has come back to you. He has apologized. He has told you that he loves you and only you, that you are the love of his life. Yet you are in Barcelona. How come?”

You felt your excitement fade away and your face scrunch up slightly.

“Well… I can’t just take him back.”

She tilted her head. “Why not?”

“Because! Because he--he hurt me. If I take him back he could hurt me again.”

“But isn’t that what love is? Taking the chance that you may end up hurt, but doing it anyway? You have to put trust in him, to believe that even though he could hurt you that he won’t.”

“Isn’t that just allowing him the opportunity to hurt me again? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?”

She shrugged. “People always have the ability to hurt us. But if you close yourself off and never open yourself up again, how can you expect anything to change?”

“So you think I should go back to him?” You asked.

“That is not my decision to make. But what if he is this so called love of your life, and you refusing him because of an act of desperation that somewhat had good intentions hurt you? What if you’re throwing something good away?”

You had a feeling Priyanka and Shawn would have gotten along wonderfully. They were both people who viewed the cup as half full while you couldn’t ever seem to get over all the empty space. It was quite exhausting to ever try and prove them wrong either. Optimism. In this economy? Can you imagine?

“I don’t know.” You mumbled to yourself playing with the edges of your book. “I love him. Of course I love him. How could I not? I think I’m just afraid that if I let myself love him the way that he wants, the way that he deserves that...it’s gonna go wrong somewhere. I’ve never ever had it not go wrong.”

“That’s okay. That’s a real emotion. You get hurt enough times, you want to protect yourself. I’m just saying in this particular instance you might not need protecting.” She shrugged. “In fact, you know what? He might fuck up again. Men are dumb, we know this. It might all fall to crap a week from now, a year from now, three years from now. Who’s to say? But I guess the question is, is it worth it to enjoy the good times and to put a little belief in yourself and in your relationship?”

At the end of the conversation, your head hurt a little bit and your heart throbbed dully in your chest. Usually you would’ve crawled into Shawn’s arms and hid your face in his chest, the gentle hum of his heart beat lulling you into serenity. He would play with your hair and he would whisper/sing into your ear. He would tell you that he loved you, or that you were pretty, or whatever other ridiculous things came out of that man’s mouth on a daily basis. It was another one of those times where you were in pain; you were sad, and you couldn’t have the one person who knew how to make it all better. Suddenly you missed him more than ever. And even in Barcelona, in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you ached for home. For him.

Dammit.

***

Priyanka takes you to buy a journal. Apparently you’re friends now? Or at least she’s taking pity on you. She explained that for someone so angsty who internalized everything you should probably have a place to release or you were sure to explode. She didn’t seem to recognize that that might be mean so you just rolled with the punches. She takes you to the beach and you lay out in the sun together while she forces you to write about yourself. It is about as fun as one might imagine.

“What the fuck am I supposed to write about?” You huffed glaring at the blank page before you.

She snorted and reset her headscarf which was a gorgeous teal color today that blended perfectly into her bathing suit.

“Anything. Just make it personal. Why don’t you pick something you’ve never talked to anyone about and start there. You don’t need to be scared at all because it’s just who gets to read it.”

You were for certain Priyanka had stumbled into your life only to make it more difficult. She seemed to thrive on it actually. But, then again here you were taking life advice from a practical stranger anyway.

You decide to start with the first time you recognized that being fat was a bad thing. It was a visceral memory, one that you didn’t bring up too often, but one that had been instrumental to the woman you had grown to become. It was third grade. You had just turned eight. Your dad had been gone for three months, and your mom had started letting you help her in the kitchen after school. All of your brothers would go outside and play hockey with the kids across the street, or basketbal, or whatever other dumb game with a ball existed. You hated it. You just wanted to sit inside with your mom and make something.

You brought homemade cupcakes for your birthday. And you were so incredibly proud because you had helped make them! These were the product of your labor. But when it came time to eat and celebrate, Jenna Bartman came up to you to get her cupcake and laughed at you. Y/n you should probably give all the cupcakes away. Everyone knows you’ve eaten plenty. And all of the kids still left in the line laughed with her. You peered down at your tummy and it didn’t look like Jenna’s, didn’t look like most of the other girls in the class. You didn’t bake for an entire year after that. It didn’t mean you didn’t eat, you still snuck cookies from the jar up into your room when your brother wasn’t there to see you. But it was the first time that you had ever been told that what you were was bad, that you shouldn’t get to exist in the manner that made you most happy if it made others uncomfortable.

Fast forward to eighteen years old. Your first boyfriend in highschool. If you could even call him that. He didn’t want anyone at school to know that you were together. And he would only come over when your brothers weren’t around, which meant spending a lot of time in the garage. Not very sexy.

You had decided that you were comfortable and willing to have sex for the first time. You were going to go over to his place after school. His parents were gone and everything. The second that you got up to his room though, he closed all of the blinds and shut the lights off. C’mon babe. We don’t need to see all that. Let’s just do it already. The least enthusiastic five minutes of your life. You’d never told anyone that story before. Not stu. Not even Shawn.

And then there was your transformation in college. You excelled in your major, held the top GPA and graduated with departmental honors. You started to believe in your abilities, in this tiny vision that you created for yourself. You started dressing differently, started taking really important steps to love your body, to be kind to yourself. And it had these amazing ramifications, which was that the more you were kinder to yourself the happier that you ended up being. In college you fell in love with yourself and that’s when you started to shine. Your relationships with others became better as a result. The relationships that you had whether intimate or platonic thrived, because you were thriving. It was the happiest you had ever been and it completely altered your life. But, even in your quest to love yourself there were a lot of things you left behind just so you didn’t have to deal with them anymore.

Your hand is cramping when you set the pen off to the side. You’d scribbled pages and pages of words. At some point, Priyanka had gone off to swim leaving you there. When the words had run dry, you threw your journal to the side and joined her. If there was one thing you were grateful for, it was your ability to love yourself in spite of all things. You had grown to thrive on your own, to give yourself everything that no one else had ever bothered to give you. And it wasn’t necessarily about a need to be a relationship, or this idea that love from someone else is better than self-love. Maybe it was just that self-love doesn’t have to be the only love, and that you can love yourself enough to let others love you too. There wasn’t any weakness in that.

***

You’re in a bar listening to Priyanka try to explain why you should order this supposed magical cocktail that cures the soul when you hear his voice. At first you don’t even recognize that it’s music, so you flick your head around thinking that he’s standing behind you. Instead it’s his new single. Even in Barcelona you can’t escape him. It doesn’t help that the entire bar immediately starts to gravitate to the song. It’s kind of a bop after all. Until you start to listen to the words anyway.

I can't write one song that's not about you

Can't drink without thinkin' about you

Is it too late to tell you that

Everything means nothing if I can't have you?

You always thought the first time Shawn might write a song for you would be this incredibly sappy, and hopefully beautiful, love song. That had been his promise afterall to write whole love songs for you. You never could have imagined that what you would get instead was a piano ballad he sang you completely hammered through a phone one night, but over some uplifting beat. It almost didn’t sound like the same song, granted you hadn’t gone back and listened to the files he sent you like he asked. It was so weird to watch people dance and have fun to a song that was about the destruction of your relationship. Watching people enjoy it just made it hurt more.

“Can we uh...Can we go to a different bar please?” You murmured in Priyanka’s ear.

She stared at you like you were crazy.

“But we just got here! And this song is incredible!”

“No Pri,forreal. Can we leave?”

She takes one look at you and seems to get it. You hope down off your seats and clear the bar as Shawn continues to tell the world what he’d just barely been able to tell you.

Even in the hurt there’s a bit of pride and you find yourself reaching for your phone. Maybe it isn’t pride at all. Maybe it’s desperation. Who knows

Y/n: I know we’re not speaking, but your new song was playing at a bar in Barcelona. Thought you’d wanna know.

You don’t expect him to answer, can’t imagine him answering after the last time you two spoke. Priyanka leads you to another bar by your hand and you swear you’re not peering down at your phone every two seconds

Shawn: Barcelona?! I’m gonna tell Andrew right now. That’s incredible.

y/n: Yes you can imagine my surprise when I heard your voice and turned around and you weren’t there. You were right though. Definitely a summer bop.

You take a couple shots of tequila that burn like jet fuel and watch Priyanka’s much smaller form get hammered very quickly before he responds again.

Shawn: I’m sorry if it surprised you in a negative way. That’s not fair.

Y/n: It did a bit at first but...It was nice to hear a familiar voice.

Shawn: I’ll try to believe that. Are you finding yourself out there?

Y/n: Something like that. Think maybe I’m just coming to terms with who I was all along, just had to do a little digging.

Shawn: Just as long as you’re happy. That’s all that matters to me.

y/n: I am.

***

You have a dream about your dad one night. It’s odd because you hadn’t dreamed of your father since you were in college. You had sort of buried him away. Maybe that’s why he was coming back now, as you unearthed all of these parts of yourself, somehow you had let him out too. It’s not a super deep dream. He’s just there with you in Toronto. He’s in your apartment that you no longer own, and he’s sitting on your couch. And you’re so angry, but in that dream like way where you don’t even understand why. You start to yell at him. Not about leaving you, not about abandoning your whole family, and the hell he inflicted. You’re yelling at him because his feet are on the table. It is the weirdest fucking thing in the world. And then you wake up.

When you wake up the sun is just beginning to peek through the clouds, the rest of the earth this beautiful purplish bruised color. You reach for your journal and head for the water and the sand. Being a Pisces really came in handy when traveling. And the waves seemed to not just pull you in, but to pull you outside of yourself. So, you sit down and you write about your dad for the first time.

When you were a child, you were the last one to give up hope on your dad. Your brothers were old enough to see his illness for what it was, or at least angry enough to not give a shit anymore. You on the other hand had loved him so much that it took such a long time for you to actually see it for what it was. Everytime he fell asleep drunk on the couch you were the one to pull his shoes off from the bar. When everyone else would yell at him for the reason they were broke, you used to sneak him your allowance from mom. You had loved your dad fully and unconditionally. So, when he left, and let for good, it had completely and utterly destroyed you. Everyone else had been right. You were wrong. He didn’t love you, at least not enough to stay or take you with him. It was the hardest thing for you to face and you were only seven goddamn years old.

And to believe that that wouldn’t have an affect on your relationships with other people in your life is so wildly naive. To walk through life having never sat down and genuinely reflected on what that pain had meant for you? How had it done any good? You were terrified of letting people in. Terrified that something was gonna happen one day, that you could give them everything in the world, and it still wouldn’t be enough. People leave. They always leave. Hell, you left. Left Ontario. Left your brothers. Left your mom. Maybe you weren’t too far off from your dad after all. And maybe, maybe that was the fear that you had never addressed before. What if one day you were the one who deserved to be left? What if?

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

It’s his birthday. The not so big, pretty irrelevant 24. But a birthday nonetheless. He’s in New York and it seems like a pretty good place to have a good time. They’ve rented a couple of party buses and planned a list of clubs to go to. He doesn’t have the heart to tell anyone he’d rather go to dinner and call it night, so he’s playing along. In truth he’s been doing so much better as the days go by and the shows are better and the fans scream longer. It’s weird to try and find love in the thing that felt responsible for his pain, to nurse himself with the very thing that had made it all go wrong. But, it was all that he had. If he didn’t have her, this was it. And he needed to remind himself that there was something good here for him. He had to.

He’s in his hotel room with Brian getting ready when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Andrew. He had neglected to join the party for the night, but made promises to do a dinner or something just the two of them. Instead he’s standing at his door holding a box.

“Awwww did you get me a present?” He snorted as Andrew set the box down on the bed.

“Not quite. You’re 24 and a millionaire, what would I get you? But the hotel delivered this to my room and it’s from Madrid, so I think it might actually be for you?”

He only knew one person who could possibly be in Madrid. He feels his spine strengthen and his heart beat ramp up and his stomach flutter. They hadn’t spoken since June. She had no reason to send him anything, not after the last conversation they had. For a while, after her virtual booty call concept, he had thought it might be the end of them. That her refusal to respond was a glaring sign that she was done with him. That had been the absolute worst for him. But, he was a cup half full kind of guy, and had quickly convinced himself that no contact at all also meant she couldn’t tell him she was moving to Barcelona for good and she’d never see him again.

Andrew and Brian watch him as he sits on the bed. The box is taped pretty badly, and he just see her sitting there in frustration and proceeding to wrap the whole thing in tape for added measure. He missed watching her eyebrows furrow in irritation. He thought it was the cutest damn thing in the world. Surely enough, it’s addressed to Andrew, but the curliness of the letters are a hundred percent y/n’s. She must’ve looked through the travel packet he’d given her back when he thought she was going to visit him all the time.

He used a knife from the room service they got for lunch earlier and ripped impatiently at the box. The smell that hits him is like the ocean, a little salty and warm. But he can also smell lavender, and he swears if Brian and Andrew weren’t there, he would have cried. On top is a card which is really just a piece of card stock with her hand writing on it.

I would’ve baked you a cake, but I didn’t think it would travel well.

I hope this works alright. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to celebrate.

Take a shot of tequila for me? Or 5. Don’t worry about your voice, you’ll be fine.

Have a wonderful Birthday, Shawn. Love you.

-y/n

He can’t help but laugh at it. It was so her. To wish him a happy birthday and somehow slip in permission to get hammered. Suddenly he was extremely homesick for her apple pie. And her arms wrapped around him. And her heart.

She got him an anthology on meditation and holistic medicine. It’s in English surprisingly enough, and it’s massive. But he knows he’ll read every word. There’s a new rosary necklace for him that he immediately slips on over his head to nestle alongside their swallow. There’s also just a bunch of polaroids from all the places that she must have been visiting. He had told her one time in the most intimate moments that they used to share, after they’d made each other climax and would just lie in bed sharing secrets until sleep took them away. He told her this silly dream he had of doing photography. He loved pictures of different buildings and cultures. Her sharing her journey with him felt so deeply personal, especially because he knew what she was out there trying to find. It’s the kindest thing she could have given him.

Shawn: Andrew just delivered your package. It was incredibly sweet. You didn’t need to do that, but I’m so so glad you did. It’s the best thing I could have gotten today.

He tries not to set up any expectations that she’ll respond to him. Afterall she’s already given him so much more than he deserved. It doesn’t stop him from checking his phone every three minutes just in case he had somehow missed the vibration. And it certainly doesn't stop his heart from leaping into his throat when he’s two shots in and she responds.

Y/n: No worries. It cost me triple what I paid for the gift just to send it. I wasn’t sure if they’d actually give it to Andrew or not. Glad it worked out. Are you drunk yet?

Shawn: working on it. Where are you right now?

Y/n: I’m in a town called Cerdanya. It’s very beautiful. It’s like half Spain, half France. I’m in the France part.

Shawn: Sounds beautiful. You haven’t posted on insta in a long time.

y/n: You worried about me?

Shawn: Always.

y/n: well take a night off for me would you? It’s your bday. Go have fun.

Shawn: I’ll try. Am I ever gonna see you again?

y/n: You leos. So dramatic. I think I’m in a really good place actually. Maybe I’ll text you when we’re both back in town.

Shawn: Please do.

y/n: I will. Promise.

***

*One month later*

y/n: I’m flying back to Toronto tomorrow.

Shawn: Really? I’m actually home right now.

y/n: Yea I know. Your whereabouts are kind of google-able.

Shawn: Right. Duh. Do you need someone to pick you up from the airport?

y/n: Bryan and Stu already offered.

He felt like a teenager trying to talk to the pretty girl at school and royally fucking it up. What a fucking idiot.

Shawn: Can I take you out for coffee when you get back?

y/n: are you sure you’re not busy? With the show and everything?

Shawn: Let me take you out for coffee. I could never be too busy for that.

Y/n: Ok. I’ll text you.

He’s sitting at a table, his legs shaking up a storm. He couldn’t sit still for shit, kept looking out the window every two seconds, and had even burnt his tongue on his coffee in a desperate attempt to find something to do. This was it. This was everything he’d been waiting for. Either she was going to break his heart, or she was going to make him the luckiest guy on earth. There were no other options.

He catches her walking up the street and his heart spasms in his chest. He can tell that she’s gotten nothing but sun these past months because she’s absolutely golden. And she’s wearing all white like she knows that it’ll drive him crazy. Of course it’ll drive him crazy. A fucking pant suit with long flowy jacket and a camisole the color of periwinkle. She looks like a goddamn goddess.

She walks in and he just stands up immediately because he doesn’t know what else to do, hasn’t seen her in so long he feels like he’s gone mad without her. And there really is no thinking when it comes to her. He wraps her up in his arms immediately. He can’t do anything but smile at her and try to re-familiarize himself with her entire being. Shit, it’s like she got more beautiful while she was away.

“Hi.” He breathed, and it felt like the first breath he’d taken since she told him she was leaving.

She smiles and his arms tighten around her. It’s like no time has passed at all, like his love had only grown in her absence.

“Hi.”

“You’ve got freckles.” He chuckled letting his fingers skim hesitantly along her nose.

She scrunches it, like she always used to. He dies a little.

“Yea. They only come out in the sun though.”

“And your hair. It got lighter. It’s so pretty.” He hummed.

She’s running her fingers up and down his back and he just wants to pull her into bed and cuddle for a day or two. Now that she’s in front of him, he can’t even believe that he let her go. Six months. And all of the time after Amsterdam. How the hell did he let her go?

They stare at each other far too long in the middle of this coffee shop, but he figures if he just keeps staring at her than she won’t have time to destroy him.

“So uh coffee?” She giggled peering up at him from underneath her lashes.

He nearly groaned. It was too much already and all she did was laugh at his awkwardness.

“Right. Right! I would’ve ordered for you but I didn’t know how long you might be. Sit, I’ll get it for you. Do you wanna share a croissant?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

He’s more nervous than he was on their first date. It’s almost as if fucking up the order, or not grabbing her a napkin, could somehow change whatever she’d come here to say. He sets her white mocha on the table for her, and puts the croissant in the middle. The moment he sits down, there’s nothing left to do or say. He just has to listen. At least he knows that he owes her that.

“I uh...I guess I don’t know where to start.” She murmured, peering down at her cup.

He nodded. “Maybe you could just start with what you were trying to find when you left? And maybe whether or not you found it.”

She takes a deep breath and her hand moves from the table to the back of her neck to her necklace. And the second he sees the swallow his heart speeds up. Relax. Listen. Breathe.

“Well, I was doing really well at work technically. But Gina could see that I was using my job as a crutch to not have to deal with my pain. And I think that’s why she sent me on the sabbatical. I guess what I didn’t realize at the time was that I’ve always done that. I don’t like to be hurt, obviously. But more than that I don’t like to be weak. So, when you hurt me I was trying to--to pretend that I could be alright with you. And I was trying to learn from my mistakes so that I could make sure you, or no one else could do it again. But I think maybe I over corrected.

“I left because...I needed to figure out, like why my defense mechanism is to cut people off immediately. Like why am I twenty-six years old with one best friend and no one else? Not that I even want a whole bunch of friends, but I’ve never even tried to hang with someone besides Stu or Bryan. Why am I so incapable of letting people in? I spent such a long part of my life learning to be kind to myself, learning to protect my mental and emotional health because of trauma and because of hurt that I never learned how to let others do it too. I never learned what it could look like to let someone love me and not resent them for it. You. You were my first time trying.”

It’s instinctual that when she puts her hand on the table he reaches for it. He needed to show her how much he cared, how much love and respect he had for her. And when she intertwines their fingers and plays with his ring, it feels like an acknowledgement of that.

“I met this woman named Priyanka in Barcelona? I ended up spending like a whole month there just because of her.” She smiled softly. “And she made me keep this journal and she had me write all the things I was always too afraid to tell anybody.”

“Like what?” He asked softly just to keep her talking. “If you want to share. you definitely don’t have to.”

“Like...Like I never dealt with the pain of my dad leaving because I didn’t want to have daddy issues. I didn’t want to let him have power over me. The way that he left, and it took me so fucking long to see that he was wrong, that to me felt like weakness. I had let him give me whatever love he wanted and all it did was hurt me in the end. So, I guess in my mind allowing someone to love you meant that they could hurt you and if you let them do that then you were weak. And I guess that just equated to love being weakness.”

It’s like the most he’s ever heard her talk. She had clearly spent so much time reflecting and unearthing the parts of herself that she’d stored away for so long. Now it was like she was pulling out all of the individual pieces and sharing them with him. When he had begged her to just let him love her, and she had tried with all of her might, never had she ever done this. It’s like he’s seeing her in all her entirety for the first time. And it’s only making him fall even more in love with her.

He’s leaning his face on his hand and he’s just staring at her, listening to her say all of these thoughts in that big ass beautiful head of hers that he’s always wanted to know. It’s the greatest gift she could ever give him, and it makes every moment she was away worth it. If only she got to be a better version of herself, got to feel more confident in who she was. And not for him, not for anyone, but for her own happiness.

“You look so happy.” He smiled at her. “It all sounds incredible, y/n. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m really proud of myself.” She giggled again.

God she was so fucking cute.

“Hey, that night that I called you drunk--”

“Don’t even mention it. I understood where you were coming from.”

She frowned at him and it’s the first time that she’s not smiling. He literally had to restrain himself from reaching out to touch her lips. What a shit show.

“No. No you deserve an apology. I was drunk, sure, but my willingness and eagerness to inflict pain on you, that was all me Shawn. I knew you wouldn’t want to hurt me by saying no. I mean that’s so not okay. We were always open and honest with each other when it came to being intimate. I--I would never want you to pretend that what I did was okay.” She assured him. “I’m sorry, okay? I mean that.”

He nods and squeezes at her fingers again. “Okay. It was a shitty feeling. Mostly it was shitty that I felt like I deserved it, felt like even if that was all you were willing to give me than I should just take it. But I don’t like--I don't hold it against you. We were in a really shitty space. I forgive you.”

“Okay. Well thank you.”

He nodded softly. “ Have you thought at all about--I mean do you think you could ever forgive me? For what I did? For not handling things right? For messing it all up?”

“It took me such a long time. I was terrified of how in love with you I was. And I just was like waiting for the other shoe to drop for so long. I kept having to fight myself everytime you wanted me to be more open with you, and wanting to give you everything that you asked for because I loved you so much.”

“‘Loved’?” He asked hesitantly.

She sighed. “Shawn, even if I was waiting on the other shoe to drop I...never could have actually thought that you would hurt me the way that you did. That you would fly me all the way out to be with you just so that you could leave me and go on tour. That was so fucking painful for me.”

He nods and leans closer to her across the table, both of their coffees and the croissant long forgotten.

“I know. I know how stupid of me it was. I just, I think I got scared too. It was so easy to fall in love with you. It was so easy to want to spend all of my time with you. And the thought that like...that I could hurt you because of music of all things? That my being away could cause you pain? I just didn’t even know what to do. I love you so much, y/n. I need you to know that I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you. This was new for me too.”

“Sometimes you made it seem like you had all the answers. It was like you knew exactly what we were supposed to be doing when I was just flailing..” She mumbled. “It made it hurt so much worse.”

“I was just trying not to lose you. Do you have any idea how intimidating it is to be with someone as smart and wonderful and badass as you? You always seemed like you had the life part figured out. I thought that...that I needed to have the love part down so that I could keep you, so that I could deserve you.” He confessed. “But, honey I was just as lost as you were sometimes.”

“You were?”

“Of course!” He smiled. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I can be kind of dumb sometimes.”

She snorted. “That’s certainly one way to put it.”

She peered down at the table and he kind of figured that this was his chance, this was everything they’d been building up to. So he licked his dry lips and somehow managed to shuffle even closer across the tiny table they were squished at.

“Baby,” He whispered. “I’ve got to know... if there is even a remote possibility that we could try it again? And I promise to never do anything like that again, to communicate better, to be more vulnerable and open.”

She bit her lip and looked at him and he swore that he couldn’t breathe.

“I just wanna know how it’s gonna be different this time Shawn? When I go back to work and you’re still on tour for the rest of the year. How does this change anything?”

“It just means that we have to be better. It means you’ve got to be honest with me when you’re dealing with shit, when you need to get away from work, hell when you need to get away from me. And I have to...I have to learn to not place any of the weight of who I am on you. No more begging for forgiveness before shows. No more begging you to fly out just because I’m sad. It changes because we’re willing to change, and we’re willing to learn and grow together. Can we...Can we do that? I only want to do that with you.”

Her eyes flicked down to the table and then back up to his. She’s beautiful, so so beautiful. He just wants her.

She huffed softly at him.

“Well I love you, you idiot. So, I guess we can try this again.”

“Yea?” He beamed.

“Yea.”

He reaches across the table, trading her hand for the feel of her cheeks. They were still warm as if the sun had left a bit of itself behind. And the light dusting of freckles across her nose drove him insane. He was all in with her whether she knew it or not. She was it for him.

“Can I...Can I kiss you?” He sighed fingers cupping her jaw.

She licked her bottom lip and set his heart ablaze.

“Yea. You can.”

“Fucking finally.”

If you’d like to buy me a ko-fi

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oohlala24 · 5 years

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So How are You Really? Shawn Mendes x Plus Size Reader Blurb

A/N: Soooo… This is my first fanfiction definitely leave some feedback and let me know how my first one turned out and let me know if i should make this into a multi-part series. Enjoy!

Warnings: nothing really maybe slight angst

“So how are you really?”

The question threw Y/n’s head into a tailspin. How was she doing? Like really doing? If she had asked herself that six months ago her answer would have been content. She had an okay job, a standard apartment in an ok neighborhood, an awesome puppy, a great circle of friends… No love life but she was okay with that. Her life was good, not great but good enough. Then it all took a turn.

Forced to go to club one night with her best friend, she never expected her life to make a one eighty turn as fast as a spilled drink. And she definitely didn't expect the way her heart fluttered when she heard the guy’s gravely apology and a mess of curls right above a blinding, goofy, white smile. Nor did she expect the tornado of feelings and emotions that followed quickly after.

At first she didn’t recognize him. The club was dim except for the occasional bright strobe light that flickered against the club’s brick walls. Their eyes connected. Confusion and then recognition morphed the features on her face. Then embarrassment and before she knew it an stuttered apology was uttered from her lips. She was star-struck. Her hands were shaking. Her palms were sweaty. Moms spagh-- You get the picture. His smile widened.

“Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who bumped into you.”

He was right. If it was any other asshole in the club she would have told him as such when he bumped into her. And truth be told, her mouth was set to do so until she looked up into his eyes and her hands started to tremble. She could barely breathe let alone let him know how displeased she was that he could have ruined her favorite *cough* only *cough* dress.

Her legs only came out once a year and when that time came around, she wanted to do it in a dress that didn’t talk back when she walked because it was so tight. Or bunch up at the waist every time she thought about taking a step. She wanted to be in a dress that didn’t cling to her every roll or bump. She wanted a dress that showcased her non-existent hourglass shape. A dress with a flattering flare and a teasing plunge. A dress that said ‘don’t mess with me I’m a badass’ but also ‘come a little closer’. And of course a dress that shaved off a few pounds when she looked in the mirror. She wanted a dress that sold a fantasy. A fantasy of what she could be and of what she wanted to be. It was her little black uniform of confidence that she spent way to much money on at the mall on a whim. And tonight, even if she did come to this God forsaken club against her free-will, she made plans to receive some form of return on her investment. Did God bless her with this as her return?

He cleared his throat. “Like I said before, I am really sorry. The last thing I would want to do is to mess up your dress. Especially,” He looked her up and down in appreciation. “A dress like that.” Y/n smirked to herself. This was definitely her return.

“Thanks. And it’s cool. The club’s crowded it was an accident.” They stare at each other a little longer than necessary as the electricity between them seemed to crackle in the background. He shook his head and cleared his throat breaking their eye contact.

“I uh. I’m Shawn.” He stuck out his hand. Y/n smiled. He was just as nervous as she was.

“I’m Y/n.”

That was just the beginning to a world wind of things that she had never experienced before like love, longing, passion, insecurities, and intimacy. All things that she never let herself experience before until him.

“Y/n!”

Startled she looked up.

“I asked you how you were,” her friend repeated. Truth was she didn’t know how she felt. In the span of five months that was her relationship was Shawn, she had done things, and experienced things that she had never done before. She loved like she never had before and she was hurt like she never had been hurt before. Was she okay after all that? Was it worth the pain? Had she survived it?

“I’m alright I guess.” She said dismissively and continued eating her fries. She guessed that answer would have to do.

#plus size #plus size reader #fanfiction #shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fandom #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes x y/n #y/n #shawn #mendes #bucky x reader #shawn x plus size reader

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shawnxstyles · 3 years

Text

every inch of you

DATE: JUNE 24, 2021

summary: while shawn is struggling to write a new song for his album, you’re hesitant to move to the next stage of your relationship.

requested: yes!

prompt 8 & 18: “I like what I see.” / “You like... my fingers?”

words: 2.6k

warning: fluff, SMUT (f-receiving), a little dirty talk, and more fluff!

note: inspired by Lights On- shawn mendes. this is also the song shawn writes in the story! fast revising.

illuminate!shawn x plus size!reader <3

*imagine 2018 shawn writing illuminate*

—

OCTOBER 2018

This album was going to be the death of him and you at this point. You weren’t writing, brainstorming, or doing any of the work. However, watching your boyfriend struggle to find the right words was stressing you out nearly just as much.

“Shawn, take a break. You’re going to make yourself go crazy. You’re making me go crazy!” You shout with a laugh, rubbing the top of his frizzy head. He leans back on the black, leather couch, turning to face you with a weary face.

You can hear the crashing waves of Malibu waters outside of the glass windows. You two were alone on this private beach, reserved for only Shawn and whoever else he wanted. As of right now, it was just the two of you in this peaceful environment.

“Come on,” He stands up randomly, tugging your arm while walking toward the sliding glass door. You let him drag you outside to the cool waters and through the grainy sand. You’re both barefoot as he begins to pick up his pace until you’re jogging. He halts at a large rock that collects the crashes of the water and leans against it. His blue basketball shorts get soggy on the ends from the up splashes. You were wearing one of his button ups and your shorts, but standing behind the rock so you didn’t wet.

You never really wore bathing suits, you didn’t feel like you needed to. Shawn and you have been together for about a year now, so he understood when you told him you were uncomfortable wearing one to Malibu. He always tells you how beautiful you are, despite your height, weight, waist or hip size. These were all the things he knew you were insecure about, and usually your loved ones would tell you to not be insecure and that they love you no matter what. Not Shawn. He always said it in a way that made you really feel loved.

He would simply let you be insecure. He knows that insecurity is a part of life and he doesn’t think you should be, but he’s not just going to tell you to stop. It’s hard to control your mind sometimes and he knows that. He’s always been different to you than anyone else has, and maybe that’s what made you love him so much.

With this, he’s never rushed you into anything either. You’ve never been with him intimately (nothing much more than a heated make out session) because of your self-doubt. You’re not a virgin, you’ve had your fair share of experiences, but he was just too perfect for you. Your experiences were never good and you were honestly afraid of being vulnerable again.

“Come to the water. It feels great,” The air was slightly breezy and the sky was filled with misty clouds. You imagined the water was near freezing because of it, but still tip-toed your way into it. The current splashes up to your shins, and Shawn was right, it did feel great. The water was twinkling in the hidden sunshine and the thin foam cascaded when it got too close to you.

Shawn gently slips his hand between yours and laces them together. His rough fingertips scratched against your knuckles, but it was calm and soothing like the waves before you. You leaned against the rock with him, the small waves shooting up to your shorts every once in a while. He faces you, with a dreamy look dancing in his eye.

“Kiss?” He asks, lips puckered loosely and patiently. You gave a head nod before reaching his lips, giving him a long peck. You attempted to pull away, but he had other plans apparently.

His hands rested on your cheeks and slowly trailed down until they were at your shoulders. He rubs them calmly, pacifying any stress you might have with the pads of his thumb. Your hands trail through his curls, braiding around your fingertips beautifully.

“God,” He pulls his mouth away to speak for a moment. “you’ll be the death of me.”

You quickly snatch his lips again, never getting enough of his words or his taste. You both are captured in a deep trance for one another’s lips and beauty. One of your hands moves from his hair to the nape of his neck, rubbing softly. Without any words, Shawn pulls you toward the small house with a hand wrapped in yours. The water stains freezingly on the bottom half of your legs, making you chilly.

When you enter the house again, he plops himself down heavily on the leather couch, dragging you down with him. You didn’t like to sit on his lap in a make out session, you assumed it made you both uncomfortable. However, your assumptions were wrong because he positioned you snuggly on his muscular thighs.

You felt the heat crawling under your skin and on the back of your neck. Shawn just continued to kiss you lovingly, like nothing was wrong. You silently appreciated this act as your hands began to tug his curls. He groans lowly against you with a beating chest and fast breath. You were absolutely loving this; you felt comfortable and secure, and being in a different environment made you feel even safer. Almost like nobody knew where you were, or maybe even who you were.

The sensual feeling was observationally mutual. His hands were roaming you, caressing you caringly and you were beginning to feel that throbbing between your thighs. Usually when this happens, you just ignore it and take care of it yourself. But maybe you were ready to take that step with him today. You back away from the kiss and Shawn’s eyes open concerningly.

“Should I stop?” He suggests, lowering his hands from your neck to your waist. His head was slightly tilted and he had a little tint of pink in his cheeks. Possibly from the water mixed with the crisp breeze, or the heat between you two.

“No, please don’t. I actually want you to keep going,” You were trying to hint that you wanted to go further with this, even if it was just a little bit for today. You had thought about this far too much, for who knows how long, and now you felt confident enough to do it. You were overly grateful that Shawn never tried to convince or force you to do something you didn’t want to. He was just so kind and sweet. And cute and adorable. And sexy and hot…

“Are you sure? This doesn’t have to go any further than this if you’re uncomfortable—”

“Shawn, I’ve thought about this enough. I’m ready,” You eye him with reassurance, appreciative of his full consent toward you. Your smile was filled with mild anxiety and excitement and he reciprocated with a goofy grin. Though, there was a small glint in your eye that was hinting he should take it slow. Something was telling him.

“How about we just take it slow today? One thing at a time? There is no rush, baby.”

“Okay, I think that’s better anyway,” You were so glad he said something because you both know you wouldn’t have. Which scares Shawn sometimes because he doesn’t really know what you’re thinking or feeling. He wasn’t going to worry about that right now because he’s positive that you’re sure.

“Let’s focus on you right now, pretty girl.”

He wasn’t worried about his erection suffocating in his pants right now, or his strong desire to fuck you for hours until he couldn’t anymore. He was only focused on you, and your peak of pleasure was his only goal right now. Songwriting could most definitely wait.

Shawn lifted you up and rested your head on the armrest of the couch. He crawled over you and kissed your luscious lips once again. Your taste was possibly the sweetest thing he’s ever had; you were like sugar candy in human form, and he was able to eat you raw.

If you let him, of course.

Which you did because you don’t think you’ve ever been so horny in your entire life.

The way he unbuttoned his own shirt off of you was probably one of the hottest things you’ve ever seen in your life. He plucked off each one, staring at you with a smirk, knowing you were dying because of his teasing. You couldn’t keep your eyes off of his hands. The bird across his skin was fueling you up even more because tattoos were definitely a turn on for you. When he finally discarded the shirt, you mentally argued with yourself if you should cover up.

“Don’t even think about it. You’re beautiful. Absolutely stunning,” Some words made his Canadian accent more prominent and that was also pretty hot to you. Your skin boiled in response to his compliments. He knew what you were thinking just because he knows you. That’s why this feels so right to you; because he knows you.

Shawn begins trailing kisses from your cheeks down to your chest, making your breathing become more unsteady. He licks along your collarbone, slightly nibbling at the skin. You breathe out a heavy sigh, as his soft mouth traces your skin. When he finally gets to your breast, you gasp with a pant. You would feel his smirk against you as his hand works the other one. His tongue swirls around and over the nipple, and you’re so sensitive, you could feel every nerve on his tongue. His callus fingers rub roughly against the opposite one, balling the bud until it’s peaked.

“Oh my god,” Your chest was collapsing and rising unsteadily as your hands gripped his hair tightly. You felt him moan against you, which sent a vibration through you. You rolled your hips against nothing, begging for any sort of friction. “please.”

You didn’t even know what you were asking for, but apparently he did. He continued to trail down your abdomen, kissing every bit his lips passed over. He shot you one last look of consent, and you reassured him once again.

“I could just kiss you all day.”

You were about to start verbally begging again if he didn’t do something soon. Shawn yanks down your shorts, leaving you in just a simple pair of underwear. Your core was aching for some relief, the undergarment being a stressful barrier.

“I like what I see,” His smirk is so wide, you almost felt embarrassed. He tried not to waste time, clearly noticing you were anxious for some pleasure. After all, that was his new goal.

His rough index finger runs down your smooth skin, outlining every curve until it reaches the band. You could feel the coldness from his rings, giving you chills. He flicks it against you, causing you to jump a bit. His hands and fingers were arousing you a little too much.

“I’m gonna take these off now, okay?” He speaks softly with his fingers dancing over your waist. You nodded rapidly, waiting for him to just do something to you. Anything at this point. He peels away the undergarment with awe in his eyes. You were biting your lip, trying to keep the useless whimpers at a minimum. Once the underwear is off, you’re completely bare— and you’re completely comfortable with it.

“All wet for me, huh? I did this to you?” Shawn teases through the same, evil smirk, while caressing your inner thighs with his thumbs. You mindlessly open your legs wider, spreading yourself open. His tongue rolls over his bottom lip as his fingers move up to where you need him most. He traces your silky lips with his fingertips, and the first touch felt like a shock of electricity. You gasped when two of his fingers went in between your folds, massaging delicately. Your moans were muffled by your own mouth as your teeth harshly bit down on your tongue.

“More, please,” You begged shamelessly at this point, wanting him to finger you with everything in him.

“More of what? Words, princess,” You thought if he didn’t touch you more soon, his words would get you off first. He taps your clit a few times and you moan a little too loudly. Luckily, you two were alone.

“Fingers! Ah, please, I love your fingers,” You admitted through gritted teeth. Shawn was a little shocked actually. He didn’t know you liked his fingers like that, and it honestly made this all the more hot. Your pleading was a turn on for him, the indirect pleasure going straight down to his strained cock.

“You like… my fingers?” He said less confidently than before, but still seductively. You nodded rapidly, making him groan with your impatience. His fingers went from tapping your clit to sliding between your slick folds. Your breathing was heavy, but your inhales were short in anticipation. Suddenly, he curled two digits right inside of you and you gasped for at least the third time today.

His middle and ring finger were doing wonders on you. He curled them smoothly as he sunk them deeper inside of you. Shawn’s rings made you shiver from the contrast of their coolness and the humidity you’ve created. Your hand was roughly scratching the top of the couch and your head was slammed against the armrest in bliss.

“M-more please,” You begged him in your sweaty state. Your hair was sticking to your forehead now, and the hairs on your skin were rising the closer you got to finishing.

“Since you asked so nicely, princess,” He looked at you devilishly through his eyelashes and inserted his index finger. You haven’t had this much sexual adrenaline in a long time, and you missed it. You’re glad it’s with someone like Shawn, and not like your exes.

“Oh- fuck,” You whined, squeezing your eyes tightly shut. Your pussy was clenching around his digits as your arousal leaked from you. There was a knot forming in your stomach that was ready to unravel any moment now. Your puffy lips were pulsing intensely, while his thumb reached to rub your clit. The pleasure was so overwhelming and you were sensitive now. Before you could even moan it out, he said it for you.

“C‘mon, cum for me, Y/N,” He whispered dirty and sweetly close to your face as his movements increased in speed. Your hand gripped his arm, right over his butterfly tattoo, and that alone sent you over the edge. The coil in your abdomen exploded as you finished all over his hand. He licks his fingers off, full of your cum and arousal.

You are definitely the sweetest thing he’s ever tasted.

“Shawn,” You start breathlessly. He was really leaving you speechless. Your knees were bent on either side of him as he rubbed you slowly, helping you calm down. “that was amazing.”

“I’m glad. You deserve nothing less,” He leans down to kiss you lovingly, nudging your perspiring nose in the process. He gets up from the couch to get a washcloth for you and you sit up tiredly on the sofa.

“How about a bath, babe?” He shouts as he walks back into the small living room, you nodding sleepily. He cleans you off simply and lazily throws the rag on the coffee table in front of him. He takes a long double-take at his notebook, resting empty and fresh. A pen is squished between the blank pages, full of black ink and inspiration. A small lightbulb, that was once dull, grows brightly in his head.

“I think I have an idea for a song.”

—

Thank you for your patience, and thank you for the request!

#shawnxstyles #thank you for requesting!!#i really like this!#shawnmendesfanfic #shawnmendesfanfiction #fanfiction #anon <3 #requested #shawnmendessmut #shawn mendes smut

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kvmberly · 3 years

Text

20 day song imagines masterlist (15-20 are canceled)

⎈ includes; peter parker, jj maybank, rafe cameron, topper thornton, bucky barns, georgenotfound, and sapnap.

⎈ for 20 days in april i will be uploading different imagines based off of songs.

⎈ this masterlist is where you can find each and everyone of them!

⎈ please enjoy, this took a lot of work to do because i usually have no motivation to write for 20 days straight lol.

started: 4–4-21

ended:

1. giveon - heartbreak anniversary

rafe cameron x fem!reader;

he hurt her, but when that day comes around she can’t help but miss him.

posted - 4-5-21

2. ruth b - dandelions

georgenotfound x streamer!reader

y/n has never felt more happy than when she’s streaming with george and everyone notices

posted - 4-6-21

3. ariana grande - test drive

jj maybank x kook!reader

all her rich friends say to take it slow make sure he’s the one, but she’s so sold on him

posted 4-7-21

4. melanie martinez - play date

topper thornton x pogue!reader

“no strings attached.” pff yeah right

posted - 4-9-21

5. justin bieber - intentions

college!peter parker x plus-size!reader

peter helps y/n hype herself up for a party

posted - 4-10-21

6. flo milli - in the party

feral boys x confident!reader (platonic)

how the feral boys would help hype y/n up for a date

posted - 4-11-21

7. ellie goulding - hate me

rafe cameron x fem!reader

being ex’s with rafe and besties with sarah doesn’t do y/n any favors, especially with seeing the girls he brings over

posted - 4-13-21

8. shawn mendes - if i can’t have you

modern!bucky barnes x 1940’s!reader

bucky spends years tracking down a necklace from a past lover that he just can't stop thinking about but ended up finding something even better.

posted - 4-14-21

9. selena gomez - back to you

jj maybank x fem!reader

y/n visits jj after a regretful argument

posted - 4-15-21

10. billie eillish - wish you were gay

sapnap x fem!reader

friendships fall apart when the other doesn’t reciprocate the feelings. she wished there was another reason he didn’t like her.

posted - 4-17-21

11. ella mai - not another love song

peter parker x fem!reader

all the times peter made her feel like she was going down. all the times he made her feel in love.

12. saweetie - icy girl

dream x fem!reader

y/n is high maintenance. how can they not be when clay will do anything for them?

13. ruth b - superficial love

bucky barnes x fem!reader

she’s tired of hiding their relationship and tired of feeling unimportant, so he fixes it.

14. SWV - weak

rafe cameron x fem!reader

she’s the only one who makes rafe soft

15-20 ARE CANCELED 𖢇𖢇

15. khalid - eleven

topper thornton x fem!reader

his car is his safe place. y/n is his girl. the two combined makes for late night drives.

16. ariana grande - safety net

peter parker x shy!reader

after being heartbroken, y/n wasn’t sure if she could open up again. that was until her former bff came to town.

17. tyler, the creator - boredom

sapnap x fem!reader

everything y/n does to make sapnap get off the computer and do something with her

18. bea miller - feel something

peter parker x stark!reader

weeks after tony’s death everyone expects y/n to feel something, but she doesn’t feel anything

19. selena gomez - lose you to to love me

jj maybank x fem!reader

he was leading her on and she just couldn’t take it anymore

20. ava max - so am i

georgenotfound x fem!reader

y/n feels as if she’s annoying and weird until george shows them he is just as weird.

#jj maybank imagine #rafe cameron imagine #topper thornton imagine #peter parker imagine #georgenotfound imagine #dreamwastaken imagine #dream imagine #sapnap imagine #bucky barnes imagine

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dlwritings · 4 years

Text

Call Him Hers | Dean Winchester | pt 4

series masterlist found here

general masterlist found here

pairing - Mark-of-Cain!Dean x plus-size!reader word count - 4,390 warnings - mentions of suicide, language

(A/N) - find my John Mulaney reference lol

summary - (Y/N) and Dean have a busy day but come to no concrete conclusions. Too stressed to sleep, the pair end their night watching the stars on Baby’s hood and talking about things too scary to talk about in the daytime.

(previous) (next)

(Y/N) woke up with her head on the cold bathroom floor. She immediately groaned and sat up, hovering over the toilet to throw up. There was a knock at the door, and she could only groan again in response. Dean opened the door a crack, a slightly patronizing smile on his face. “Shut up,” she muttered, turning her head back to the toilet again.

“Did you sleep on the bathroom floor?” Dean asked teasingly.

“I don’t remember,” she muttered. “I went to the bathroom at some point to, you know, puke my guts out-” Dean chuckled. “-and I don’t remember the rest.”

“Well,” Dean said, coming to sit beside her on the floor. He held her hair back as she heaved over the toilet again. “I remember hearing you throw up, coming to check on you, and you yelling at me to get out. That was around 2AM. You must’ve blacked out.”

“Oh?” she said, catching her breath again. “So that’s what blackout drinking is like?”

Dean chuckled. “Blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep but your body gets all Eye of the Tiger and soldiers on.” She groaned and moved away from the toilet, flushing it as Dean rubbed her back.

“Did we learn anything about the vics?” she asked.

“Yeah, not really,” he said. “I couldn’t really get any serious questions in with all your drunk rambling about what a great ass I have.” Her eyes grew wide as she turned to look at him.

“What?” she said.

“Oh, you don’t remember?” Dean continued to tease. “You just went on and on about how amazing my butt is.” She groaned and put her face in her hands.

“Go away,” she said. “I’m gonna drown myself in the bathtub.”

Dean chuckled again. “No time. Charlie and Sam are already heading out to start talking to vics’ families. We gotta start our investigating.”

“Fine,” she said, starting to stand up from the floor. “What’s your plan?”

“Well, I was talking to some of your classmates last night,” Dean said, “and a few of them are putting together some sort of event for the girls who have gone missing. I guess they’re upset that the town hasn’t been doing enough to find them. Thought they’d do something about it. I told Jennifer we’d go.”

“What time does it start?”

“1:00.”

“What time is it now?”

“A little after ten. You want to get some breakfast?”

“‘M not hungry,” she said, rubbing her eyes and staring at herself in the mirror.

“You should eat,” Dean said. “Greasy breakfast’ll make you feel better.”

“I don’t want to leave the hotel,” she said, turning around and leaning her back against the counter to look at Dean.

“Fine,” Dean said with a laugh. “I’ll order room service.”

“Fine,” she said. “I’m taking a shower.”

Dean left her alone in the bathroom, and she made her way into the shower. She felt like utter shit and hoped a cold shower would wake her up a bit. When she got out, she wrapped a towel around her body and stepped out of the bathroom to get some clothes out of her suitcase. Dean was sitting on the bed, the room service already having arrived. She ignored his gaze as she went into her suitcase and pulled out some black jeans, an AC/DC t-shirt, and a red flannel.

Dean swallowed thickly as soon as she was out of sight. Did she always look that good? Had he always wanted to grab the edge of her towel and pull it off? Shit.

She changed in the bathroom, did some quick make-up, and braided her hair into two pigtails. When she went back into the bedroom, she plopped onto the couch next to Dean. He handed her a coffee mug. “Drink this and don’t argue with me,” he said. She chuckled and smelled the coffee with a smile before bringing the mug up to her lips. She stuck her tongue out in disgust as soon as she took a sip of -what she realized was- very dark coffee.

“Ew, it’s black,” she said. “You know I hate black coffee.”

“Cream and sugar’ll upset your stomach,” he said simply, grabbing one of the plates of food that was on the cart next to the bed.

“And a greasy breakfast won’t?” she retorted. Dean raised his eyebrows at her.

“I told you not to argue with me,” he said. She rolled her eyes and forced herself to drink more coffee. Dean handed her the other plate which was piled with bacon, ham, scrambled eggs, and toast. Just looking at the food made her nauseous, but then her stomach growled and she figured Dean probably knew what he was talking about.

Once 1:00 rolled around, she was feeling significantly better. She still didn’t feel 100%, but she felt good enough to put on a good face at the event. Jennifer had told Dean that the event was at a country club about 20 minutes out of town, so they got dressed into some nicer clothes, and she and Dean headed out at 1:00 with the intention of showing up a little late. When they got there, they realized the town was basically holding a memorial service. “They’re acting like they’re already dead,” she mumbled to Dean as soon as they walked in.

The pair managed to avoid Jennifer and decided to skirt right over to Nicole and Stephanie, just glad to see some faces (Y/N) didn’t absolutely despise. “So how long have they been missing now?” she asked after the obligatory small talk.

“Hm,” Nicole hummed, “Amanda’s probably been gone for three weeks, Elizabeth two, and Sarah maybe a week and a half?” She looked at Stephanie for confirmation who nodded in agreement.

“You guys still live in town right?” (Y/N) asked.

“Yeah,” Nicole said. “We met out in California at college and moved back here as soon as we graduated.”

“So you know everyone pretty well?” Dean said.

“Well, yeah,” Nicole said with a slight chuckle. “But everyone knows everyone.”

“So Amanda, Elizabeth, and Sarah knew each other?” Dean asked.

“They were practically inseparable in high school,” Nicole said, to which (Y/N) nodded. “I guess it didn’t really change.”

“Did they have any enemies?” Dean asked. “Like, people who would want something bad to happen to them?”

Stephanie laughed. “Aren’t you a mechanic?”

Dean shrugged with a smirk. “True crime’s a hobby.” Stephanie raised her eyebrows, and Dean gave a short nod. “Humor me.”

Stephanie and Nicole looked at each other before each scanning the crowd around the room. (Y/N) immediately could tell they were about to share something they didn’t want a lot of people hearing. “I honestly don’t think Jennifer ever got over all that high school drama,” Nicole said.

“What high school drama?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know,” Nicole said off-handedly. “Jennifer always wanted to be part of their group, but they never quite let her in.”

“I feel like that was the case for a lot of people though,” (Y/N) argued. “Jennifer had plenty of other friends, right?”

“I guess,” Nicole said with a shrug.

“There’s also Ryan,” Stephanie added, motioning across the room to a guy (Y/N) didn’t recognize.

“Who’s he?” she asked.

“That’s Amanda’s husband,” Stephanie said. “They’ve been having issues for a while now. He always said she spent too much time with the girls. Guess he wanted her to grow up and get out of high school, and she never really did.”

“You think it bugged him enough to do something about it?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know,” Stephanie mumbled. “Something about him did always put me off.” (Y/N) looked over at Ryan again. He looked like what Shawn Mendes would probably look like in ten years if he stopped caring about himself. He wasn’t really looking at anybody either, but she couldn’t determine if he was capable of something crazy without knowing him. Plus, she was looking for vampire traits, and those weren’t exactly something she could determine from afar.

The rest of their time at the event was pretty uneventful. If anything, they ended up with too many suspects. When they got back to the hotel, they met up with Charlie and Sam in their room to go through the information they had gathered. So far, they had come up with a group of seven people whose motives they could make clear:

Jennifer, the jealous girl who couldn’t move on from high school.

Ryan, the husband who thought his wife wasn’t giving him enough attention.

Jamie, the girl who moved into town just before the disappearances started happening. Natasha, Sarah’s younger sister who always felt she was living in the older girl’s shadow.

Danny, the boy who had dated all three of the girls at some point since meeting them in high school.

Chis, the boy who asked all three girls out at some point and was rejected every time.

And Jojo, the emo girl who never left the emo phase. She just fit the stereotype.

“Well this is bullshit,” (Y/N) said, throwing her hands up in frustration after coming up with the list. “I feel like we’ve solved nothing. We don’t know if there’s a family or a nest or, or anything. This is useless.”

“It’s not like we usually solve this stuff in a day,” Sam said. “We’ll figure it out. We always do.”

They spent the rest of the evening going over all the information they had gathered and getting absolutely nowhere. (Y/N) was tired but also knew she wouldn’t be sleeping a lick that night with how stressed she was. She’d probably be up half the night going over the information in an attempt to find something they must’ve missed. When Charlie and Sam left the room, she got ready for bed and plopped on top of the covers with a sigh. “What’s wrong?” Dean asked, pulling off his jeans in front of her like it wasn’t a big deal. She felt her cheeks warm up as she looked away. Just seeing the tops of his bare thighs did something to her.

“Nothing,” she said. “It’s just been a long day and I’m exhausted, but I’m not really sleepy.” Dean tugged on some sweatpants and stretched his arms over his head.

“You want to go for a drive?” he asked. “I’m not really tired either.”

“Yeah?” she said. He nodded, so she stood up. “That sounds great. I know just the place.”

They left the room and headed out to Baby. Dean wouldn’t let her drive, so she gave him the directions of where she wanted to go. After almost a half hour of driving, they turned onto a dirt road and ended up at a hillside in the middle of nowhere. It overlooked a lake, and there wasn’t a city light in sight. Dean parked the car, and she smiled and got out. Dean followed her, and she looked at him, silently asking permission to sit on the hood of Baby. He nodded, so the two of them carefully got on her hood. She laid back, resting her head against the windshield. “Wow, (Y/N),” she said, mocking Dean’s voice to the best of her ability. “Star-gazing was a good idea.”

Dean laughed. “Is that what I sound like?”

“Mhm,” she hummed. She turned her head to look at him to find him already looking at her. He stuck his arm out and motioned for her to get closer to him. She did, resting her head on the space between his shoulder and collarbone. Everything was fine until she felt Dean’s fingers trace shapes on her side. She couldn’t help but flinch away from his touch, and he frowned and looked down at her.

“Are you okay?” he asked. She gave an awkward, noticeably forced laugh, nodded, and scooted away from him entirely, sitting up a bit and pulling her knees up to her chest. “You’re not okay,” he said as if he had just cracked a secret message she was sending him. He sat up straighter as well.

“‘S stupid,” she said, scratching the back of her neck. “Just having a rough day.” She scoffed. “A rough few days I guess. I really, really don’t like being here.”

“And that’s why you jumped just now?” he asked sarcastically. “Why you’ve been jumping every time I touch you?” She clenched her jaw and stared off at the skyline. “You’re not usually like this. I touch you all the time, and you don’t bat an eye. It’s like we crossed into town, and you don’t want me anywhere near you.”

“That’s not true,” she argued.

“Bullshit,” he said. “You act like I haven’t known you for ten years. Like I can’t see when you’re acting different. I know everything about you.”

“You do not,” she said.

“After last night?” Dean said with a scoff. “Yeah, I think I know everything.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked, turning to look at him.

Dean cursed himself inwardly. Was he incapable of keeping his mouth shut? He continued staring at the skyline until she cleared her throat aggressively. “What are you implying?” she asked.

Dean sighed. “I told you. Everyone spills their secrets over enough liquor.”

Her heart started racing. What did she tell him? That she had feelings for him? That she loved him?

“That’s not fair,” she said. “What did I even tell you?” Dean hesitated, his eyes darting between hers, before looking out at the skyline again and scratching the back of his head.

“Just a little about your ex-boyfriends,” he said. “And your dad.”

Her jaw clenched, and she let her chin rest on her knees. “Well,” she said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dean sighed again.

“You don’t have to hide stuff from me, (Y/N),” he said. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“There’s not?” she said with a sarcastic laugh. “Because I kind of see myself as the fat girl who gets cheated on by boyfriends and got abused by her dad. To me, that’s a lot to be ashamed of.”

“You shouldn’t be ashamed of yourself because of other people’s fucked up actions,” he said. “Your dad hurt you. Your boyfriend cheated on you. You shouldn’t be ashamed of any of that. It’s not like any of that is your fault.”

“I mean,” she muttered, “if I wasn’t so fat, my boyfriend wouldn’t have cheated on me. If I wasn’t such a burden, my dad wouldn’t have abused me. At the end of the day, it does seem to fall back on me.” Dean scoffed, and she turned to look at him, noticing the way his eyebrows were deeply furrowed. “Why do you have such an angry face?” she asked with a short laugh of disbelief. Dean looked at her, shook his head, and looked away again.

“I’m just thinking about how horrible that ex-boyfriend of yours is,” he said. “And your first boyfriend. I just can’t understand how they could tell you you’re fat.”

“Really?” she said with yet another scoff. “That’s what you got from all that? That’s your big takeaway?”

“I mean, it all sucks, (Y/N),” he said. “I just hate that any of them had the power to make you think so lowly of yourself.” He paused and looked at her. “You realize you’re not fat, right?”

“You don’t have to talk to me like I’m a baby,” she said. “I know you’re seven years older than me, but-”

“I’m not talking to you like a baby,” he argued. “I’m just trying to-”

“Well stop it, okay?” she snapped. “I’m 28-years-old. I’ve accepted what I am. I’m a size 16 with a flat ass and unimpressive tits. I’m not a curvy plus-size model. I’m a fat-”

“Would you just shut up?” Dean snapped. She felt tears coming to her eyes, so she turned her head so Dean couldn’t see her face. She felt like a child, and she hated that. Something about this town was making her revert to the person she used to be before she met Sam and Dean, and she hated that person.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly, deciding to be honest. “This town, it just-” She cleared her throat and wiped some tears from her eyes. “I don’t like who I am when I’m here. It’s making me into that, that insecure girl who tried to-” She cut herself off with a shake of her head.

“Tried to what?” Dean said.

“Nothing,” she said quickly. “It was a long time ago.”

“(Y/N),” Dean pressed. She forced herself to look at him, and he reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb. He noticed the way she leaned into his touch, and the way her eyes closed as she bit her lip made his heart ache. How had he been so oblivious to her pain for so long?

She sighed. “I was 18. It was just before I met you guys actually. Like, maybe a month before? I just, life was really hard.” She paused and blew some air out of her mouth. “Shawn just dumped me, and my dad had disappeared again, and I didn’t want to, I don’t know.” She shook her head again. “I crashed my car into a tree. Head on.” She scoffed and hung her head. “I was going so fast, Dean. I thought for sure it would do it. Turns out I couldn’t even kill myself right.” Dean was quiet, and she couldn’t get herself to turn her head and see his face. “And now look at me,” she almost laughed. “I’m 28-years-old, crying over my old life when I’m not even that girl anymore.”

She leaned back again and rested her hands on her stomach. Dean turned to look at her, and she allowed herself to meet his eyes. “I’m really okay now,” she said. “You know? Like, I am fat, but I’m okay with it. The world needs to stop treating that word like it’s a curse word or something. Like, I know my body is still good for a lot of things. I can kick monster ass, and I save people almost everyday. I’m not that girl who wants to hide anymore, but being here again-” She shuddered and shook her head. “-it’s just a little much.” Dean was still quiet, and she suddenly let out a soft laugh. “I told you you didn’t know everything about me.”

He tried to think of what to say. What could he say? He was happy she could own the word fat like it wasn’t an insult, but it didn’t mean he liked when she said it about herself. Yeah, she was thicker, but why did it matter? Why had people spent so long trying to convince her that it mattered? And she had tried to kill herself? Only a month before he met her? It was too much. She meant the world to him, and to know she had been so close to death without him by her side-

God, it was too much to think about.

Dean laid down next to her again and surprised her by putting his arm around her. Even when she instinctively flinched as his hand gripped her side, he forced her to stay put.

She turned her head to look at him to find he was just looking at the sky. She studied his face, not usually able to be so close to him. His freckles dotted across his nose and cheekbones, and his stubble was just starting to get to the point where she knew he’d probably do a trim. Even in the dark, she could see the bright greens of his eyes and the slight bags beneath them. His lower lip was just barely tucked between his teeth, and he suddenly darted his tongue out to lick it.

“You know I’m actually eight years older than you, right?”

She furrowed her eyebrows, snapping herself out of the trance she had managed to put herself in. “What?” she said. Dean turned his head to look at her.

“You said I was seven years older than you,” he said. “I’m eight. The minute you got it wrong I wanted to say something, but it didn’t seem like the right time.” She couldn’t help the way the corner of her lip curved up into a smirk.

“You’re such an idiot, Dean.”

Dean kissed her temple, and she could feel the smile on his lips. Her hands were still resting on her stomach, and she brushed one of her fingers along the band of Mary’s ring, allowing herself a moment to believe it wasn’t all pretend.

The two of them got back to the hotel room around midnight, and (Y/N) fell right into bed. Surprisingly, she and Dean were both out like lights. She slept well until about 3:00 in the morning when she woke up to the sound of Dean screaming.

Dean had been having a lot of nightmares since he got the mark. They were all so violent and bloody. Most of them ended with him killing Sam. Some of them had him killing her. Neither of them were good. He didn’t know if one was worse than the other. He knew destiny said he would end up killing Sam, so those felt like taunts over the future. The ones where he killed her just felt like the mark threatening to make him kill everyone he cared about.

(Y/N) sat up quickly, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the darkness. She quickly turned on the lamp beside her bed and simultaneously grabbed her gun from the nightstand only to find the room empty. She looked over at the couch to see Dean laying rigid, his head thrashing from side to side. “No,” he mumbled. “No. (Y/N)!” He let out another shout followed by, “No! Run! No!” She swore it sounded like he was crying as she shot out of bed and rushed over to him.

“Dean,” she said, putting her hand on his arm. “Dean, wake up!” It took a few shakes before Dean sat up, breathing heavily in a panic. “Hey, hey, take a breath,” she said, keeping her hand on his arm. Her fingers accidentally brushed across the Mark of Cain, and Dean winced out of her grasp. She didn’t know if it hurt or if it was a reflex like the one she had earlier when he touched her side.

“Just a dream,” Dean mumbled, looking at her. He felt grounded as he looked into her eyes. Her calm, clear eyes. He put his hand on her cheek and brushed his thumb across her skin, nodding to himself. She was here. She was okay. She was alive. “Just a dream,” he said again.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. He didn’t say anything, just dropped his hand and stared off into space for a moment. “Hey,” she said, putting her hand on his cheek, making him look at her. “I know you’re hurting, but you’re not alone, okay?”

“Yeah,” he said, noticing the scratch in his voice from the shouting. “Yeah, I know.” She stood up from her crouched position and stuck her hand out.

“C’mon,” she said. “Come sleep in the bed.”

“It’s alright,” he said, shaking his head. “You don’t have-”

“I know I don’t have to,” she said. “I want to. Come on. This is ridiculous. If you’re gonna have nightmares, you should at least be comfortable during them.” Dean chuckled a bit and finally took her hand, allowing her to guide him to the bed. He got under the covers, and she laid beside him. She turned on her side, facing away from him, ready to head back to bed. Dean then cleared his throat.

“(Y/N)?” he said softly.

“Mm?” she hummed. She could hear him struggling to spit out what he was trying to say, so she turned her head to look at him. He almost looked embarrassed. “What’s up?” she asked.

This was stupid. Ridiculous. Why was he acting like a teenage boy? He just needed to say what he needed to say. It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t that weird of a request. So what if he was being a little vulnerable? (Y/N) was his friend. She wouldn’t care.

Then fucking talk, Dean.

He looked down at her and instantly relaxed.

“Can I just hold you?” he asked. “In my dream, you just-” He stopped himself with an abrupt shake of his head. “It would just make me feel better.” She swallowed, trying to tell her heart to stop racing, then nodded.

“Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, that’s okay.” Dean scooted closer to her and wrapped his arms around her so he was spooning her. They were both quiet, and she was still trying to get herself to relax in his grasp.

“You know I’d never hurt you, right?” Dean suddenly whispered, his breath tickling her ear. Sometimes he worried. Worried that the man the mark was making him become scared her. That someday, he would do something wrong -something too wrong- and she would never be able to look at him the same way. He just needed her to know -needed to make sure she knew- that no matter what, he would never, ever hurt her. The mark could never change him so much that he would hurt her.

“Course,” she mumbled, putting her hands on top of his and rubbing her thumb across his skin. She didn’t even realize the way her fingers played with his wedding band. He did. “We’ll get through this, Dean,” she whispered. “I promise.” Dean pressed a feather-light kiss to her ear.

“Sometimes I don’t think I deserve you,” he mumbled.

She almost scoffed. “You deserve everything that is good and more, and I won’t ever stop reminding you of that.” After a beat of silence, she added, “But if you steal the blankets, I’m going to put my cold feet on you.”

“Why are your feet cold?” Dean asked.

“My feet are always cold,” she replied.

“Hm,” he hummed. “You should get that checked out.”

She yawned. “Go to bed, Dean.”

----- ----- ----- -----

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cali-holland · 5 years

Text

Favors- Shawn Mendes One Shot

Pairing: Shawn Mendes X Reader

Prompt: Your cousin’s wedding means you’ll have to see your ex again. After hearing he’s got himself a new girl, you’re desperate to get revenge.

Word Count: 3000

Tag List: @cutefluffy89 @ria132love @peterparkyourassonme

Masterlist Shawn Mendes Masterlist

*Gif is not mine*

~~~

“Are you serious right now?” You asked your sister as she talked to you over the phone.

“Yes, Luke’s got a new girlfriend, so you have to bring a date.” She said, “And mom already said that you were bringing a plus one.”

“I don’t have any time to find a date!” You exclaimed, “The wedding’s a week away.”

“So that’s still a few days to find someone. Look, find a hot guy on the street and use him, or even use your boss.” She teased.

“For the last time, I am most certainly not doing that.” You said. You let out a sigh as you saw your boss coming down the hall towards you, it was as if she spoke him into being, “Look, I have to go. Bye.”

“Why the long face?” Shawn asked with a kind smile on his face.

“Can I get next weekend off? My cousin is getting married, and apparently my mom already rsvped me.” You explained, almost sheepishly.

“Of course, you know that we’re done in a few days, right? I don’t really need an assistant tour manager when I’m not on tour.” He joked, casually sitting down on the couch beside you, “But why are you really looking so glum?”

“Well, if you must know, my cousin happens to be marrying my ex’s brother, so he’s going to be at the wedding with my replacement and I just really don’t want to see him.” You stated simply, “Besides, my mom even signed me up to have a plus one and I have no one to go with me. I’ll be showing up alone, and my ex gets to rub it in.”

“What if you didn’t go alone?” Shawn suggested, placing his arm on the back of the couch so that his hand was near your head. “What if I went with you?”

“You’d be my date?” You questioned, raising your eyebrows at him.

“Yeah, I bet me as your date would definitely beat whoever he has.”

“Wow, way to be so self-centered.” You teased, playfully rolling your eyes at him.

“It’ll be fun, plus I’ve got nothing better to do next weekend.” He said, scooting a bit closer to you, “What do you think?”

“I think you’re absolutely crazy,” You laughed, “But I am desperate for a date, so you’ll have to do.”

“So, where is this wedding?”

~~~

“My sister’s not going to believe this.” You told Shawn as you two walked through the airport with your luggage.

“Why? Doesn’t she know you work for me?” He asked.

“Yes, but she told me I should take you as my date, as a joke, so I’m just waiting for her reaction when she actually realizes I brought you.”

“Didn’t you tell anyone that I’d be coming?”

“I told my family that I was bringing a date home with me. They just don’t know who.”

“I bet they think you’re lying about it.” Shawn teased you as you stepped through the exit door.

“Oh, absolutely they think that.” You laughed. Your eyes landed on the familiar faces of your sister, and your cousin.

“Oh my god, you did not.” Your sister exclaimed as she gave you a hug.

“I told you I had a date.” You replied. You stepped back from her embrace to introduce Shawn, “This is my sister and my cousin.”

“Hi, I’m Shawn, Y/N’s boyfriend. Nice to meet you.” He smiled, shaking their hands politely. He acted so nonchalant about the whole thing and you tried to wrap your head around what he’d said.

“I didn’t know about a boyfriend.” Your cousin looked at you skeptically.

“We just don’t want the press knowing. We can’t be too handsy in public.” Shawn said. You two had barely talked about your family, let alone how he would be perceived by everyone. You thought his intentions were to make you look better than your ex, not for him to parade around as your boyfriend for the weekend.

“About time she moved on.” Your sister teased, helping you grab your luggage to put in the car.

When you sat in the back of the car beside Shawn, you leaned over to talk to him while your family was distracted.

“What was that about?” You asked quietly.

“Well, you want to one-up your ex, yeah? Why don’t you show him what a great rebound you got, since apparently you haven’t moved on?” He smirked, referring back to your sister’s words.

“I’m sorry I’m slow.” You replied and he let out a laugh.

The rest of the car ride was filled with your sister asking you and Shawn questions about your relationship. Shawn answered most of the questions, even going as far as physically holding your hand in his. It was nice to feel special because of him, but something didn’t sit right with you. He was your boss essentially, and he was someone that you completely admired, but it felt strange to be having him act as your boyfriend- of one month, according to Shawn.

Arriving at your parents’ house, you and Shawn unloaded your bags and headed inside, to where your parents greeted you.

“You did really bring a date.” Your mom smiled over at Shawn.

“He’s actually her boyfriend.” Your sister told her, fully falling for his story.

“Now I’m really surprised.” She joked and then introduced herself to Shawn.

“Mom, can we go put our stuff down?” You asked, before she could pull him away to another conversation.

“Oh, yes, of course.”

“Is it okay for Shawn to stay in the guest room?” You added and she let out a surprised laugh.

“Did you forget that it’s an office now?” She replied, “Shawn can stay in your room with you, we don’t mind.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Y/L/N.” Shawn said kindly as your mind couldn’t think of any words to speak. Wordlessly, you went upstairs to your room and Shawn followed behind you.

“I swear it was a guest bedroom a month ago.” You stated, setting your bags down by your dresser.

“It’s fine, Y/N.” He laughed, placing his bags beside yours.

“I can sleep on the floor so we don’t have to share a bed.” You suggested.

“It’s literally a queen size, we can share it. Besides, what if I get cold at night and need a snuggle buddy?” Shawn gave you a cheeky smile.

“Well, damn, guess you need to get a pillow.” You said. He playfully grabbed your waist and pulled you into him.

“I think you’ll make a good snuggle buddy.” He winked at you, making you blush.

“Y/N, mom made dinner.” Your sister said, stopping in your doorway. She glanced down to where Shawn’s hands rested on your hips and pulled away from him.

“Okay, we’ll be down in a second.” You stated as she walked away.

“Gotta get used to this, babe. We’re dating now, remember?” Shawn teased you and you let out a small sigh. You were in for a long weekend.

~~~

That night, you found yourself awkwardly laying to the far left side of your bed, wanting to give Shawn his own personal space. He finished up in the bathroom and walked into your room wearing loose sweatpants and a t-shirt.

“Is it alright if I ditch the shirt?” He asked you and you turned to face him. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I don’t mind.” You said. You tried not to make it obvious as you watched him remove the t-shirt, but you couldn’t help it- he was just so perfectly sculpted. Sure, you had seen him briefly shirtless before because of the tour, but it was never so intimate like this.

“Like what you see?” He joked, settling into the right side of the bed.

“Maybe.” You replied, switching back to your original position where you weren’t facing him.

“Good night, Y/N.” Shawn said softly.

“Good night.” You answered, hearing him shuffle a bit under the blankets before settling on a position. After a moment of silence, you felt him shift closer to you.

“I’m cold.” He stated and you rolled back over to look at him. He stared at you with his best puppy dog eyes. You sighed before snuggling closer to him under the blankets. He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you even closer to him.

“Much better.” You could practically hear the triumphant grin in his voice as he spoke- he had won this time.

~~~

You woke up the next morning to your alarm going off. You blindly reached for your phone when you found yourself stuck in the bed. You then remembered the position you had let yourself get into last night as your back was pulled against Shawn’s bare chest and his arms were wrapped tightly around you.

“What time is it?” Shawn mumbled as you removed his arms from around you, trying to completely ignore how you ended up being his actual snuggle buddy.

“Time to get up. We’ve got a wedding to get to.” You said, turning off your alarm and climbing out of your bed. You looked over at Shawn while he yawned. His curly hair was a mess and his legs were sprawled out on the bed. The blankets were all over the place, and now you regretted having to make your bed in the future.

“You wanna shower first or should I?” He asked. He sat up and stretched as the blankets fell from him, completely exposing his toned, bare chest.

“I’ll go first- I take longer.” You stated. You gathered your things and left for the bathroom.

After that, you hadn’t seen Shawn much. He was off eating breakfast when you went back to your room, and then he immediately went to shower.

“Y/N? Can I come in?” Shawn asked you as he knocked on your door. You overlooked your makeup in your vanity one last time before responding.

“Yeah, it’s unlocked.” You answered, standing up from the chair.

When Shawn entered the room, his jaw dropped from seeing you. You let out a small laugh.

“You’ll catch flies.” You joked, and then took a moment to check him out in his black suit, “You don’t look too bad either.”

“You- you look- wow.” He was at a loss for words, which made you blush.

“I’ve got to one up my cousin, right?” You said, smoothing out your red dress, “I call this my revenge dress.”

“Revenge looks beautiful on you.” He finally managed to squeak out, his voice sounding nervous as he spoke.

“Thank you.” You smiled, “Are you almost ready to go?”

~~~

You never thought you’d be the type of girl to steal the bride’s spotlight on the big day, but, honestly, she wasn’t your favorite cousin and she knew exactly what she was doing when she invited you and your ex. Naturally then, walking into her reception hand-in-hand with the Shawn Mendes was the ultimate power move for you.

“You look stunning, did I tell you that?” Shawn whispered in your ear as he pulled out a chair for you.

“You’ve said that a lot recently, yes.” You replied. He gave you a quick kiss on the cheek before sitting down right next to you.

“So, where is this Luke?” Shawn asked, looking around the room as guests filled in. Everyone was still waiting for the bride and groom’s big entrance into the reception.

“That’s him. The blond with the blue tie.” You said, glancing over at him. He stood with his new girlfriend, talking to some of his family members.

“Eh, I can take him.” He teased with a shrug.

“Shawn, no.” You replied, shaking your head at him.

“Y/N, I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” Luke said, making his way over to you.

“And why wouldn’t I be at my cousin’s wedding?” You asked with a fake smile on your face.

“I thought you were too busy with work.” He replied, before turning to his girlfriend, “This Lily, my girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, Lily.” You answered, “This is Shawn, my boyfriend, but I think you already knew who he was.” As Luke looked over at Shawn, you saw the color drain from his face.

“Hi,” Shawn said, shaking your ex’s hand politely. Bringing his hand back down, he casually placed it on your thigh.

“Well, we should get going. They’re about to come in.” Luke stated, taking Lily’s hand and pulling her away.

“I think you won.” Shawn smiled at you.

“Yes, thank you for that.” You replied. You glanced down to where his hand rested, and he quickly moved it, blushing slightly from the mistake.

The next hour or so was making small conversation with Shawn and the few other guests at your table as the wedding party arrived and food was served. As they announced the first dance, you watched your cousin in pure happiness. A few other couples, including Luke and his new girl, stood up to dance as well. You felt a hand fall on yours and you looked over to see Shawn already staring at you.

“Want to dance? Give them something to talk about?” He asked.

“I’d love to.” You smiled at him as he stood up and led you out to the dance floor. The beginning to Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran began to play and Shawn pulled you close to him. His hand rested on your back as his other arm stretched, holding your hand in his. You placed your other hand on his shoulder, completely allowing yourself to lean into him during the song. Singing the lyrics softly in your ear, Shawn swayed the two of you to the beat.

“He’s watching us.” He whispered down to you during the bridge. He casually turned so that you could see Luke in the corner- his girlfriend was long gone from sight and he watched you move with Shawn.

“I haven’t seen him this jealous in a while.” You let out a small laugh.

“Shall we make him even more jealous then?” Shawn asked you quietly. Your eyes trailed up to him, confused by the question. The hand that held yours dropped and moved to cup your cheek, as Shawn pulled you in for a kiss. Every part was telling you this was wrong, but you just didn’t want it to stop. It was delicate, yet passionate, and everything you had wanted since you first met him a year ago. He pulled away from you after a moment and smiled at you. You blushed as you felt his heart racing under his shirt.

“I don’t know if that worked.” You said with a smirk.

“We better try again.” His barely finished his reply before he was back kissing you, as if you two were the only ones in the room. This time, you pulled back first- your mind finally settling on the fact that you really shouldn’t be going this far with Shawn. Your eyes darted over to see Luke now gone from the room.

“It worked.” You stated as the song ended and a peppier song began.

“Will you still dance with me anyway?” He asked while Can’t Take My Eyes Off You by Frankie Valli played.

“How can I say no?” You smiled. Though your ex had left, you and Shawn continued to dance to the songs that played, and you were completely unable to stop yourself from falling even harder for Shawn as you did so.

~~~

“Well, that was fun.” You said, settling down into your beside Shawn. He smiled over at you.

“If only you had caught the bouquet.” He teased and you playfully rolled your eyes at him.

“You’re unbelievable.” You sighed.

“What happened between you and Luke?” His words were quiet, as if he was unsure if it was okay to ask the question. You were close enough to him that you could feel his nervous breathing, making you feel anxious about the conversation ahead.

“We just didn’t work out.” You said, just as quietly.

“What really happened? Why did he break up with you?”

“He didn’t.” You corrected him and his face fell, “I broke up with him. I told him I was too busy with work to have a boyfriend.” You explained, “We were together for over a year and it just hurt us too much to try to make it work long distance.”

“You broke up with him because of me?” Shawn’s voice trailed off, feeling guilty.

“Not directly because of you, but I guess so.” You shrugged lightly. “Don’t feel guilty about it. Luke’s perfect, but he’s too perfect for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“He wanted to make sure everything was perfect- he never allowed himself to make a mistake. It was difficult for me to move on because I was so used to the perfectionist attitude he had- I never realized just how wonderful imperfections are.”

“Well,” He let out a shaky breath, “Have you found someone with those imperfections?”

“I think so.” You replied with a small smile on your lips.

“You know, I think that you owe me a favor after this weekend.” Shawn said, leaning even closer to you.

“And what would you like me to do?” You asked, a smile starting to form on your face.

“Let me take you out on a proper date.”

“A date, huh? That hardly sounds like a fair trade. After all, you had to come all this way out here, you had to pretend to be my boyfriend, you had to sleep in the same bed as me, and you had to kiss me.” You stated, emphasizing each ‘had’. “A date could hardly make up for what I put you through.”

“Okay then,” Shawn replied, placing a hand on the opposite side of you as he pushed himself up to hover over you. “A date, a kiss, and a snuggle buddy. Is that a good enough exchange?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you kiss me and find out?”

“Oh, I plan to.” He leaned down and kissed you. His hands kept himself up, and your hands went to his hair, tugging on the curls to bring him into you.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes x you #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes x reader

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rosesfromcth · 5 years

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Rosesfromcth Masterlist

Calum Hood

Too Hot (frat boy!Cal x Y/N- y/n hates calum purely for the reason that he’s too hot and calum wants to change that, enemies to lovers) #collegecalum #fratboycalum #enemiestolovers

Cocktail Chats (fluff Burned before, Calum wants to show the world his love for y/n) #drunkcalum

Get Your Own Jacket (fluff-Calum warns you to bring a jacket in case it rains, but you are too stubborn to listen) #boyfriendcalum

The Breakup (angst-in which, Calum and y/n break up in order to avoid hating each other) #sadcalum

Kiss Me (fluff-it’s your wedding day and time for your first dance with calum) #groomcalum

New Years (fluff-Calum surprises y/n with a cute night in on new years) #boyfriendcalum #cutecalum #holidaycalum

Something’s Wrong (angst with some fluff?-y/n is struggling and calum begs her to open up to him) #supportivecalum

Comfy, Sleep Shirt (Calum accidentally ruins y/n favorite shirt, how does he make it up to her? mundane life w cal) #boyfriendcalum

Scratch my itch. (Fluff-Calum is clinging but y/n has an issue she needs a hand with) #clingycalum

Ashton Irwin

Play It Again (Fluff- Ashton meets y/n in a cute little bar after a concert) #meetcuteashton

New Years (fluff- date night in with ashton) #holidayashton #cuteashton #boyfriendashton

Crashing Coffee Cups- 1, 2 (fluff-y/n works at a radio station, and Ashton ruins her favorite blouse by quite literally crashing into her and her coffee.) #meetcuteashton

Luke Hemmings

The Middle- 1, (fluff-y/n is a fan and somehow stands out to luke at a meet and greet. slow burn, slow updates) #fanstoloversluke #friendstoloversluke

I Need You (angst-y/n is struggling with luke being on tour and like surprises her) #supportiveluke

My Girl (fluff-luke and y/n have been seeing each other for awhile, but he’s leaving on tour soon. what will they do?) #softluke

Valentine (Plus Sized Reader) Fluff-Luke meets y/n, a plus sized model, at a party where she doesn’t quite recognize him. make out sessions?) #meetcuteluke

Michael Clifford

Play With My Hair

Shawn Mendes

Spill Your Guts(Fluff-Famous reader X Shawn Mendes. James corden tricks Y/n into dating shawn maybe?) #softshawn

Birthday, blurbs and other random

-roselukes birthday smut

Drunk party time with Calum

Puppy Love with Calum request

Best friends to lovers with calum request

Marry Me (cth/Happy birthday Hannah!)

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calleditwhatitwas · 5 years

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HUFFLEPUFFSHAWN’S FEBRUARY FIC RECOMMENDATIONS

hello!!!!!!! this is me. back at it again with my favorite reads of the month. don’t forget to reblog the fics you like!!!! enjoy and let me know if u want me to add a read more or whatever! 🥰

BLURBS

big spooning shawn blurb by @shavvnmendcs

ok first of all. listEN. i’m not gonna turn this into a love confession but they’re the fucking GOAT ok and i love this blog to death. not only are they hilarious as fuck and a breath of fresh hair on this hellsite but their writing????? phenomenal. outstanding. out of this world. amazing. and they’re so supportive of everyone i just??????? have a lot of love in my heart for people like that. ok my fingers slipped and this turned into a love confession BUT hashtag sorry not sorry u need to read their work like yesterday ok that’s all thank u.

ps. this blurb is cute af

heavy head, big brain by @shawnsmoose

ok i live for fics where the reader makes fun of shawn and this is so fucking soft. i’m in my feelings and i don’t like it

moonlight by @lostinshawnslight

this is straight up rude. RUDE i tell u. how dare she elevate our standards for men like this.

a ‘bad boy’ by @heartopen-testify / @siennarossi

i am SO glad someone took it upon themselves to commemorate shawn’s playboy jacket because it’s truly what she deserves. love her writing to death and this was so cute and painfully relatable!!!

drunken babbles (are sober thoughts) by @getwaytooinvolved

the drunk!shawn fic u never knew u needed. seriously. my HEART. it’s so funny and adorable and i am: dying

SERIES

off the record by @lostinshawnslight

girl. she literally started this series and ended it within like 2 weeks i can’t even deal???? such a good PA AU too, they’re both so soft and i am: crying

plausible deniability by @fallinshawn

ohmygod. this one is so fucking original!!!!!!!!!! this is like a cop!shawn and criminal!reader and i think it’s the first one of this kind i’ve come across i think?? so yay for that! the writing is exceptional and there’s only one part so far but i am SO fucking invested and excited already i can’t even deal with it. i love this so much fkhsfsdojfsdoijs

routines - pt. 1 (sugar daddy!shawn) by @shavvnmendcs

sugar!daddy shawn??? hello?? need i say more??? bitch i’m so fuckin excited for this one dhfsjhshsdosdf i’m dying

begin again by @bluerroses

ohmygoddddddd this fic. LOVE IT. the OC is so badass and feisty i love her!!!! and i love the plotline too! i feel like there aren’t many of those fics and i love it!! her writing is so fucking phenomenal too!! highly recommend

when you’re ready by @mendeshoney

by now i’m fairly certain she thrives on our pain lmao no but seriously she’s back at it again with another angst fic that literally rips ur heart apart. love her and love her fics so much!!! highly highly recommend if you’re into pain!!

ONE SHOTS

sweetheart by @dylshoney

y ‘ a l l. read this smut and thank me later. OOF. dom!shawn at its finest, let me tell u. i fuckin love this one

at the same time by @shavvnmendcs

this is the niall x shawn x reader threesome u’ve been dreaming about and waiting for where the reader is dating niall. anyways i’m a hoe for it what’s new

soft love by @softboyshawn

the plus size!reader we deserved. i love this!!!!!!!!!!!! i am: soft. pun intended.

breakfast by @shawmednes

i fuckin love domestic au’s ok especially the ones like about mornings and this one is so goddamn cute i want to cry

eleanor: eight months by @smallerinfinities

this dad!shawn came for my NECK ok. alex is NOT fucking around with this one. straight up disrespectful. i loved it

a sunday in february by @harryandmolly

so by now we all know that everything she writes is pure gold BUT she brought back emma and shawn which is one of my all time favorite fics so i HAD to mention it.

love at 2am by @wholesome-mendes

LOVE this one night stand fic. super cute and relatable and really well written!!!

as long as i have you by @lostinshawnslight

i feel like this month was the month of original au’s lmao but this is one of a struggling musician and actress and it’s the softest ever i love it so much. also i just realized that this is like the fic version of the song as long as you love me by justin bieber lmao why am i like this

love on you by @shawnsweetheart

omg guys. this one is so hilarious and fluffy i love it so much!!!!! idk why drunk!shawn gets me in my feels like this but he does and i’m a hoe for it

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soft-boy-stefan · 6 years

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Best I Ever Had

a/n: i got bored and this song came on my iTunes… so i wrote a fluffy imagine

Pairing: Shawn Mendes x fem!reader

“You know, a lot of girls be thinkin' my songs are about them.” Shawn mumbles along to the song playing on his phone. “This is not to get confused. This one's for you.” he points at you while he packs for tour.

Sticking a piece of paper in your book, you can’t help but giggle at the giant dork in front of you. “Are you serenading me, Mendes?” you hum, getting on your knees; making indents on the queen sized mattress.

He does a little dance at the sound of the beat drop, walking up to your shared bed. “Baby you're my everything, you're all I ever wanted. We could do it real big, bigger than you ever done it.” the curly haired boy sings with a wide smile, swaying his hips. “You be up on everything, other hoes ain't ever on it. I want this forever, I swear I could spend whatever on it.”

You shake your head at his antics, grinning wide when he grabs your hips, moving you to his beat. Your cream cardigan sways over your pale blue tank top, which shows some cleavage, stopping just below your gray pajama shorts. A few strands of hair fall from your messy bun, onto your Y/S/C face; framing it perfectly.

Shawn pecks your forehead, wrapping one of his strong arms around your waist. “'Cause she hold me down, every time I hit her up.” he dips you back, causing a squeal to come out of you. With a laugh, he pulls you back to his chest, hazel eyes sparkling. “When I get right, I promise that we gon' live it up. She made me beg for it, 'til she give it up. And I say the same thing every single time...”

“And what do you say?” you tease, resting your hands on his black v-neck shirt.

“I say you the fuckin' best, you the fuckin' best, you the fuckin' best, you the fuckin' best!” Shawn laughs while he sings, picking you up and spinning you around. “You the best I ever had, best I ever had, best I ever had, best I ever had!”

The tall Canadian sets you on the plush carpet, hands still resting on your hips. You giggle and lean up to kiss him softly. “I love you.” you hum against his lips, smiling. “Plus, it’s sexy when you swear.”

Shawn smirks, raising an eyebrow. “Oh? I’ll keep that in mind.” he mumbles, rubbing your hips with the pads of his thumbs. “I love you too.” he smiles, going in for another kiss before you stop him.

You point to the mess of clothes. “Stop procrastinating and pack.” you smirk, climbing back in bed while he groans. “I knew that was what you were doing, Shawn. I’m your girlfriend, I know you.” you grab your book, giggling at Shawn’s pout.

#shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes x y/n #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes x you #shawn mendes

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plussizeappreciationfics · 5 years

Note

For the HCs: a Shawn Mendes one of doing a makeup challenge with him for your YouTube channel 💖 (like a bf does my makeup or my bf guess the price makeup etc. Lol)

Shaw doing the makeup challenge with youwould include:

•You being so thrilled when Shawn agrees to the challenge

•You letting your fans know that your boyfriend would join you in your upcomingvideo

•You informing Shawn about the challenge and showing him videos of whatthe challenge is about

•”This is going to be bad”

•”I don’t care, I just love the fact that you want to do it with me”

•You also having to explain Shawn how to use makeup, making him soconfused as he doesn’t know how much you actually put on your face

•The two of you the sitting at your bed with the camera ready, smiles onyour faces

•You then starting the video and greeting your viewers while Shawnadmires your makeup free face

•Him biting his lip while smiling at you, forgetting that the camera isrolling for a split second

•”So, let’s do the makeup challenge!”

•Shawn then taking all the palettes, brushes and cr��mes, knowing that he’llfail the challenge

•Him constantly stealing tender kisses from your lips, not being able toresist your sweet like honey lips

•You constantly grinning, your heart fluttering in your chest as youlove how affectionate he his

•Shawn starting the mess on your face, cringing when he fails to do thewinged eyebrow and smokey eyes

•You chuckling when seeing him pull the weird and funny faces

•”Voila….” Shawn saying once he’s done and holds up the mirror to your face

•You bursting out laughing as you look like a clown that went for a swim

•Him joining you and the two of you ending up cracking up loudly

•You showing your face to the camera and voicing your opinion whileShawn has the cutest pout on his face as he wished he’d slay at doing makeup

•You ending the video before turning to him and pressing a slow kissagainst his lips, thanking him for making the fun video with you

Tag list: @jamesbarnesappreciationsociety l @pleasantdreamqueen l @disneymarina l @koizorahana l l @harleycativy l @itik-angsa l @sparklemichele l @melaninmarvel l @amethyst09 l @the-force-of-imagines l @bossyboyd03 l @enigmaticaphrodite l @pebblesz892 l @stars8melanin l @brittyevans l @toc1985 l @janeyboo l @badassbaker l @earthtocynthia l @lafayettes-baguettes-1 l @winters-beauty l @cannonindeez l @ilovefanfic86 l @foureyedsiopao l @adorablespecialsnowflakes l @brittanyovens l @kanupps06 l @jazmynejack l @oliviajmarvel l @thebookwormslytherin l @theunsweetenedtruth l @talannalew l @littlexmissxfandomxlover l @amethyst-dreams-and-candy-canes l @dedebebe13 l @challaxkillmonger l @crimsonash330 l @booklover2929 l @aranelgrey l @panda-duuu l @thisismysecrethappyplace l @killmonsgyal l @lokislilcaribbeanprincess l @titty-teetee l @honey-anon l @queenxchallaxkillamonger l @princess-evans-addict l @hp-hogwartsexpress l @malindacath l @supernaturaltrashy l @letsdisneythings l @scorpionchild81

-Emmanuelle 💋❤️

#shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes #shawn mendes x plus size reader #plus size reader #HC Friday

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zankivich · 5 years

Text

Neighbors: Shawn x Plus Size Reader Chapter 9

a/n: hi. this one hits a little close to home to me, but I thought it was really important to explore the ways in which our perceptions of ourselves get largely created by the people around us, by the culture around us. I also just wanted to look at how being fat and happy is such a radical notion and how it is a difficult, difficult thing to manage. I really wanted to do that justice. I also just wanted to bring Shawn and y/n closer together and I thought, what better way than a messy ass family? idk. Tell me what you think. or don’t. k bye.

*y/n pov*

You were stupid. Honestly you had to be fucking dumb. What other reason could there be for taking Shawn to the most ridiculous family in all of the world? Your sweet, sweet boyfriend was about to be tainted and it would be all your fault for taking him into the lion’s den. The need to not be miserable for another Christmas had clouded your better judgement, and it wasn’t until you saw all of your brother’s cars parked around your mother’s tiny house that you remembered why you were always miserable. It was because your family was a shit show.

“This was stupid. We shouldn’t be here.” You mumbled.

“What?”

You looked over at Shawn, all curly haired doe-eyed optimism and the sweetest smile you’d ever seen. And suddenly you could feel the distance between the two of you. It wasn’t just the fact that he was a rockstar and you were a regular ole person. It was that he seemed to have a certain level of purity that surrounded his life. Sure, no one was perfect, but Shawn was as close as you’d ever seen. You couldn’t handle the thought of him finally recognizing just how opposites you were in that regard. You didn’t want him to see the ugly, only the good. That’s probably why people wait longer to introduce their significant others to the family. Shit.

“I wanna go home. Let’s just go home, and I’ll call them and say we had car trouble. Please?”

He turned in his seat and reached for your hand threading your fingers through the gloves you each were wearing.

“Hey. This is your family. I--I was really looking forward to meeting them. What’s wrong?”

You shook your head vigorously. “My family isn’t like your family, Shawn. Please, let’s just go.”

“No. I don’t want your family to be like mine. I just wanna understand who you are better. I wanna learn more about you, honey. That’s all.”

“Yea but what if you don’t like what you see?”

He tugged at one of your gloves bringing your bare fingers to his lips to kiss at them. You looked over and his eyes met yours leaving you to realize that he had tricked you into eye contact. Asshole.

“I can’t imagine not loving all of the parts of you. Even the not so great ones. I love the way your hair clogs the drain for example, and your incessant need to organize the spice rack in my apartment. Or your incessant need to make me purchase a spice rack to begin with.”

You pouted at him immediately. “You have to have a spice rack Shawn. It’s a necessity. And I do not clog the drain.”

“Oh but babe you do. Like a werewolf took a bath. But I find it absolutely adorable. It made me learn how to use drain-o.” He smirked. “I don’t care if your family is crazy. I just want to meet them, okay?”

You rolled your eyes the way that he deserved because he was so annoying when he was sweet, but he just kept kissing your fingers like the jackass he was.

“Fine. fine, fine, fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” You groaned.

Shawn pulled the presents you’d gotten out of the backseat and you headed inside together against your better judgement.

It’s one of your older brothers who answered the door and he’s already got a beer in hand despite the fact that it’s not even three o’clock yet, so this should definitely go well.

“Lil sis!” He snorted immediately pulling you into a headlock the bastard.

“Goddammit Rob let me go!”

He doesn’t and you’re transported back to being twelve years old and barely surviving with all the fucking testerone around. It takes a knee to the balls to get him to back off, or fall to the ground, but your family doesn’t play fair and he’d never learned to guard. You remembered when ‘Liyah had opened the door and Shawn and she had just hugged for five minutes straight. Your point was getting more proven by the second.

“Shawn this is one of my older brothers, Rob; Rob this is Shawn.”You panted, stepping over his crippled body.

Shawn winced. “Do you--would you like some help bro?”

“Don’t you dare.” You muttered pulling him deeper into the house. “We show no mercy.”

The rest of her brothers are littered around the living room. There are wives and kids and you’re anxious just looking at it all. You were the only one of the kids to not have gotten married and have children yet. And as if the physical presence of them all wasn’t clear enough, you would surely be reminded at some point in the evening. Once your brothers recognize that you’ve arrived it’s like a swarm descends and you’re suddenly being grabbed and hugged and hit from all angles. They’re all massive and annoying and you being the baby means that they kind of all adore you, though years of emotional trauma means you all have a funny fucking way of showing it.There’s no place like home.

“Shawn these are the rest of my brothers. John is the oldest. Rob is the second oldest. Noah is the middle. And then there’s me, but you know me. Guys, this is Shawn, my boyfriend. Do not break him. I like him.”

Shawn is optimistic and smiley as ever as he reached to shake the hands of all your brothers. It is sickeningly sweet, and you love him for it.

“It’s about time she brought someone home to meet the family!” John snorted. “We were starting to think she was avoiding us.”

“I was and I am!” You interject.

Shawn chuckled. “Family is super important to me. I think she’s indulging me. I’ve heard so much about you all though; She must really love you.”

You know that he’s talking about all the times he got you wine drunk and asked you personal questions, also known as Shawn’s favorite pastime. But, tomato potato.

“She’s got a hell of a way of showing it.” Rob smirked, rolling his eyes when you flipped him off. “Lil sis, got her fancy college degree and moved as soon as possible. We’re surprised she stayed in Canada at all.”

Shawn gave you a look, but this is exactly what you knew was going to happen, so you purposely don’t make eye contact with him.

John looked Shawn up and down crossing his arms at the sight of your boyfriend. They’re about the same height, but John is more burley as opposed to Shawn’s chiseled form. You would hate to ever see them wrestle, there’s no way in hell it could end well.

“And now that she’s got a big fancy boyfriend, we figure we won’t be seeing much of her at all.”

That’s the first inkling you get that they’re not a fan of Shawn, which was something that truly had never occured to you. Shawn seemed to be like a magnet, sticking and pulling in all that came in contact with him. Everyone loved Shawn. That had been the one thing you hadn’t felt the need to worry about. Boy, were you wrong.

“I don’t know man. Like I said, family is so important to me. I’m sure we’d love to visit more if given the chance, but uh she’s her own woman. I wouldn’t want to ask her to do something she didn’t want to.”

“I bet you wouldn’t, pretty boy.”

You take that as officially your time to intervene. Your boyfriend was very pretty, but you got the sense that the way John was saying it was not meant to be a compliment. Being the baby, and the only girl of the bunch, meant that you had to know how to assert your dominance in the family. It was the only way not to get run over and stepped on. You were the most vindictive bastard out of all of them for that exact reason, so when you moved to shoulder check your oldest brother and send a glare his way, there was an immediate understanding to back the fuck off.

“Nice to see you all are still complete and utter assholes at heart. C’mon, babe I’m sure my mom is around here somewhere.”

You tug Shawn along with you and he sends a nervous glance in your direction. You wonder if he’s finally regretting coming to this hell hole.

“Did I do something wrong?” He whispered to you.

You sighed and wrapped your arms around his waist.

“Of course not. My brothers are just exerting their toxic masculinity. I haven’t brought a guy home in a very long time. They want to scare you to see if you’ll break. Don’t let it get to you.”

“Okay. I feel like I’m back in highschool but...mothers are my strong suit. I’ve never met a mother that didn’t like me.”

You snorted. “I’m not sure if your optimism is endearing or exhausting at this point.”

In the kitchen your mother was sitting at the table by herself peeling potatoes. It was a family tradition that no one was allowed inside the kitchen on big holidays when she was cooking. Not your brothers, their wives, not even her grandchildren.The only exception to the rule had been you. It’s where you learned everything you knew about cooking and baking, was afternoons after school spent beside her, when your head still met her hip, and she’d let you stand on a chair to see everything going on. When she peers up to look at you there’s a smile on her face in a very muted way. It’s more of a persing of her lips, but you know what it means and that’s all that matters. You leave Shawn’s side for just barely a second and step up to wrap your arms around her gently in a hug. You’d gotten your hair color from her, as well as your hips, chest, and fuck-off attitude. Your mother and you were very much alike in most ways. This only turned out horribly most times, but in times like this at least, you were okay.

“Hi, Mommy.” You murmured squeezing her tightly.

“It’s about time you come visit me. Your brothers are driving me up a fuckin wall, everyone of em.”

“I say you give them up for a adoption, sell the presents, and we go to Vegas.” You joked.

“Girl, don’t tempt me.”

When you look up at Shawn he’s standing against the door way with his arms crossed and a smile on his lips so big you kind of want to kiss it off of him. You hold your hand out for him to join you both at the table and he immediately links your fingers together to give them a firm squeeze.

“Mom, I wanted to introduce you to someone.” You explained biting back the smile that tended to burst from within you when it came to Shawn. “This is uh--this is my boyfriend, Shawn. Shawn, this is my mother.”

Your mom peers up at him inquisitively. It’s not a mean stare which is good, it’s just more of a searching one. He shakes her hand and squeezes it firmly between his oversized palms.

“It’s so lovely to meet you ma’am.” He grinned.

She raises her eyebrows. “You’re the popstar my sons showed me on youtube? You’re with my daughter?”

Oh lord.

He laughed. “Yes, I guess I am.”

“I like that one song. The blood song? They play it all the time on the radio.”

“In my blood? Yea! Well thank you ma’am; it’s an honor.”

You rolled your eyes at that. Shawn had gotten nominated for a grammy for that song, but as long as your mother liked it, it was an “honor”.

Your mother snorted. “Don’t call me ma’am, call me Julie.”

“Okay, Julie. Julie it is.” Shawn smiled. “Can we help you with the potatoes at all? I think peeling potatoes is one of the only things I’m good at in the kitchen besides eating.”

Your mother laughs and clutches her metaphorical pearls which is just the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen, but she lets him pull up a seat in her kitchen. It is genuinely unheard of in your household, and it takes you a second to move because you’re just watching him make your mom laugh and it’s a little bit incredible. He wore a black button up that day and when he rolled his sleeves up to wash his hands, his arms flexed and you wanted to wrap him up in your arms and nuzzle him to death. It was ridiculous the effect he seemed to have on you, and apparently any woman he came across.

“Babe, did I ever tell you? My mom used to have me and Aaliyah have competitions to see who could peel the longest string of skin off a potato. We were so competitive that now we can both peel it off in one.”

You rolled your eyes playfully and grabbed a potato from the bowl.

“Why is that the least surprising story I’ve ever heard. You guys are so wholesome it’s disgusting.”

“If you wanted to have potato peeling competitions with me baby, all you had to do was ask.” He smirked.

You shoved your hand into his face to try and dispel some of the perfection, but it was useless. In fact you were pretty sure all it did was fluff his curls into a better position. Asshole.

It had never occured to you to peel a potato in one even stream before. Because you were a normal person with things going on and who the hell has time for that. But the second Shawn held the curly strand up in front of your face like a cat bringing its owner a dead mouse, you realized that you could not be upstaged in the kitchen with this manchild you were dating. And thus began the dumbest competition to ever occur in the history of ever.

Shawn was actually really fucking good at peeling potatoes. Somehow the mystery of measuring cups failed him, but potato peeling? That’s where he shined. When your mother insisted that that was all of the potatoes that she needed, you ignored her in favor of getting out the sack of the rest of them from the cabinet.

Shawn chuckled. “Don’t worry Julie, we will take all leftover potatoes home with us.”

“You can take them home to your very cold, very lonely apartment by yourself.” You muttered as he bested you again.

Shawn dropped his peeler in favor for wrapping himself around you, half in your chair and half in his, to press all of his weight into you like the annoying man he was.

“Don’t get mad at me. You are better than me at everything else in this life. Can’t I have potato peeling?”

“No.” You moped.

He snickered. “Can I have a kiss?”

“Uh uh.”

“Not even a little one?”

“Nope.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Mmm I don’t know.”

“Well I’m not gonna kiss you until you tell me I can, so I’ll just be here until you’re ready.” He murmured.

You rolled your eyes pulling him by the collar of his shirt to press his lips against yours.

“You’re annoying.” You whispered against his mouth.

“Yea, but I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Your mom asked you to make apple pie. It was her favorite of all the things that you made and it was pretty fun for you to make so you didn’t mind it at all. Shawn brought out the wine that you had brought and poured you a big glass with ice cubes the way you liked it. He was helping you make the pie by handing you the spices one by one as opposed to actually helping at all, when your mother decided that things had been going well for too long.

Shawn and you were standing at the counter while you cut up apples and you just happened to take a sip out of your glass.

“I wish you wouldn’t drink like that. Your father hated when women drank.” She sighed.

You snorted. “Yea, Ma, Dad also hated being a dad, so I’m not sure if his expectations are ones we should be trying to meet. Last time I checked he was an alcoholic anyway.”

“Don’t speak about your dad like that. He was a great man. Especially not on Christmas.”

Your knife slowed to a crawl on the cutting board and you could feel Shawn’s eyes on you as your cheeks began to warm up.

“No, Mom, he wasn’t. He was mean and abusive and a drunk. I’m not gonna pretend that he wasn’t and you shouldn’t either. You worked too fucking hard for us all of to glorify that asshole.”

Your mom goes quiet for a little while. That’s never good, so it’s really just a means of biding your time to see what she comes up with. Shawn watches you take a bigger gulp from your glass than normal, but no one is speaking so it’s fine. You’re used to it by now, but it’s Shawn first time at the rodeo. Your mother was your whole entire world because she had managed to create a life for four children off a nine to five desk assistant job with no college degree. She’d worked her ass off for them, but it had come at a price. And that price was years and year of emotional and physical trauma that she had endured through her husband. When it was all set and done that trauma didn’t just evaporate; it became internalized, and then it got regurgitated back onto you and your brothers. So when she opens her mouth it’s not to say anything good at all, and suddenly all of your fears about this day are just spilling out into the room and you’re helpless to stop them.

“So, Shawn… You’re successful. Young. Very handsome.” She murmured. “What exactly are you doing with my daughter?”

You were facing the counter, but Shawn had leaned against it the opposite way so that he was facing your mother. This meant that you caught a glimpse of his face going into shock without having to see your mother’s reaction to it.

“W--What...I’m not sure I understand what you mean, ma’am.”

If you could have spoken in that moment you would’ve told him that allowing your mother to expand and clarify her statements was never a wise idea.

“You know what I mean, son. My daughter isn’t exactly a supermodel. We l/n women have not gotten through life on the basis of our looks, that’s for sure. All that wine and potatoes certainly isn’t helping things.”

Holy fuck. If global warming could have sped up in that moment just enough for a crater to form in the earth beneath your kitchen and swallow you whole you’d be good with that.

“I happen to love your daughter ma’am. She’s an incredible, intelligent woman, and her body is just one on a very long list of things that I adore about her. You really shouldn’t say things like that.”

The knife isn’t even moving anymore. As many times as you’d heard it and everything like it, you could never grow used to the way your mom could speak sometimes. And as much as you’d learned about your body and the beauty it entailed, something about coming home always brought up the ugliest of thoughts that you were sure you’d gotten rid of. The new thing here was having Shawn defend you. Your brothers, though sympathetic had never jumped to your defense before. His willingness to go against her when he had been so concerned with making a good impression was kind of baffling. You weren’t used to it, or how good it could make you feel. There were so many different emotions running through you in that moment that they felt difficult to contain within you.

“What?! What I’d say? Oh y/n you’re always so sensitive and now you’ve got this poor young man doing the same.” Julie muttered.

You chuckled humorlessly. “Sure thing, Mom. My bad.”

“I wasn’t saying anything bad. I was just pointing out the obvious, dear. I was interested in what had brought the two of you together is all.”

“Then maybe next time you could just ask that as opposed to asking the guy I’m dating what the hell he could possibly see in me.” You snapped letting the knife clang loudly on the counter. “Jesus Christ, I’m going for a walk.”

It’s cold as shit outside and the snow is up to your ankles, but somehow it feels less cold then being in the kitchen with your mother for another second. You breathed in and out a couple of times to calm yourself down. When you were younger and your mom would say shit like that it would cause a sort of thought spiral to begin in your head. It would be all that you thought about and all that you could focus on. The good news was that it didn’t consume you in quite that way anymore. But, it did hurt and it did affect you whether you wanted it to or not.

Shawn found you on the porch sitting on the bench that was sat outside and letting the snow sink into your pants. He was wearing that hideous yellow flannel jacket of his that made him happy, and he simply plopped down beside you so that your shoulders touched. You were still focusing on breathing at that point in time because you really didn’t want to cry in front of him. It felt like an admittance of some sort if you did, although to what you weren’t sure.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” He mumbled as you leaned your head against his shoulder. “I--I didn’t know.”

It was cold enough that the wind was biting at your cheeks and your eyes were watering without ever asking you if it was fucking okay to do such a thing.

“It’s fine.” You whispered. “Everything’s fine.”

He lifted his arm up to let you nestle closer to him and pulled you against him to press a kiss to your hair.

“It doesn’t have to be. It’s okay for it not to be fine. You taught me that.”

You sniffled. “I don’t have the time to fall apart right now.”

“Do you wanna go?”

“It’s too late. I can’t let her see that it got to me anymore than I already have. Leaving would only fuel her.”

“Okay...Well I have this very absorbent, beautiful jacket here that I know you know love so much. And I’ve heard that anything that happens to this coat stays in this coat. So, I think if you were to hide your face against it, it might be our little secret.”

You roll your eyes and laugh a little as a tear falls down your cheek. But when he’s offering you solace your helpless but to take it, so you tucked your face into the safe confines of his coat and let the tears seep angrily into the fabric. He rubbed soothingly at your arms and kept his face hidden in your hair. It was also as if he was protecting you from the world. That’s how it felt anyway. And you thought that if you’d been able to provide a fraction of the comfort that you got when he held you, than maybe you’d actually given him something good as well.

When you pull your face back ten minutes later the air hits aggressively at your cheeks but he’s immediately there to kiss and wipe away the tears.

“I think you’re really beautiful when you cry.” He smiled. “Not that I want you to do it unless you need to. You’re just beautiful to me.”

“Thank you.” You sighed still sniffling. “I told you we were a shit show.”

“That’s okay. No family is perfect y/n, not even mine. There’s still no place I’d rather be than here with you right now.”

You feel that pressure in your nose that happens when you cry. It’s like a clogging of your sinuses but instead of it being through illness, it’s just through sadness. Your shoulders are tense and your body is on guard the way it usually had to be. Something about having Shawn with you made you want it to be different. You had invited him after all because you knew you could be happy with him beside you. There was a need to take control of the narrative that so far your family had been running. And you thought that maybe you could make it better for the two of you.

“Do you wanna get high right now?”

His eyes widened and you couldn’t help but laugh a little into his neck.

“I’m sorry?”

“Noah? My brother? He’s a total pothead. We’re the closest in age though so he always shares with me. I need to mellow out before I go back in there.”

“You didn’t tell me you smoke.”

You laughed. “Neither did you. You just told the entire world instead.”

That’s how you end up hotboxing your garage with your brother and your boyfriend. You’d never seen Shawn put a blunt between his lips, but it might just be the hottest thing you’d ever seen in your life. Weed tended to make you horny, so it’s genuinely a matter of not jumping his bones on the hood of your mom’s ‘98 Honda. Noah had always had ridiculously strong weed too so within twenty minutes you’re all leaning against any hard surface you can find having a conversation about the ethics of mass female consumption in the music industry.

“It doesn’t bother you that like your body is essentially for sale?” Noah asked as he took another hit and passed it to you.

Shawn was answering but your brain had only caught the “your body” part and was working on undressing Shawn mentally right then and there.

“I don’t think so. I mean...I think my fans think I’m cute or whatever, but like the vast majority are here for the music. If my music sucked they could find someone just as good looking if not more and move on to the next guy. I know it’s about the music because they tell me about it constantly. It's always been about that for us.”

“Okay but like is it ethical to sell your body for fame, I guess is the question. And then like it is ethical to request hundreds of hundreds of dollars from what are essentially children?”

Shawn sort of squinted as he took the blunt from you and nestled it between his lips. Jesus, his lips. His hands. Hmmmmm.

“I gotta be honest dude, you’re kind of blowing my high.” He chuckled.

You snorted wrapping your arms around your boyfriend and sending your brother an accusatory look.

“Noah likes to get philosophical when he’s high. Let him get baked before we go bake please.”

Noah rolled his eyes. “Fine. Mom’s gonna be pissed when you come into the kitchen smelling like weed though.”

“Exactly.” You grinned.

Eventually Noah went inside to check on his wife and it was just the two of you. Shawn’s eyes were red and his cheeks were the same sort of hue and he was sending you this lazy smile that you wanted to lick off. It was really sort of ridiculous, what he did to you. And you wished more than anything that you’d gotten high together months ago because it probably would have solved all of their problems, if how good he looked right now was anything to go by.

“You’re kind of hot when you’re high.” You murmured stepping between his legs. “Why haven’t you told me about this again?”

His hands came to settle on your hips before immediately finding purchase on your ass the way that you liked. He pulled you closer between his thighs so that your hips touched.

“I don’t know. It’s a uh a sort of self-care thing for me I think? I don't do it just to get high, I do it because when I’m very anxious it calms me down. I like the way it makes me feel. I didn’t want you to think it’s all that I do though.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck and smiled goofily at your incredibly endearing and constantly overthinking boyfriend.

“Did I ever tell you about the time Stu, Bryan, and I went to Coachella?”

He pressed your foreheads together as if every part of your bodies needed to be touching, and in that moment they kind of did.

“No, but I’d love to hear it.”

“Basically I had student loan money out the ass that I definitely shouldn’t use. Stu and Bryan were like highschool sweethearts or some shit, and since they didn’t go to the same school Bryan surprised Stu with tickets to Coachella. We all go. Bryan sneaks us into some boogie ass tent that I’m positive we weren’t supposed to be at, but they had drugs set out like it was a fucking candy bar. So, we smoke enough weed to put Snoop Dog into a coma, I think Bryan and Stu did like cocaine or E or some shit, and then we all went and watched The fucking Wu Tang Clan perform in the middle of a mosh pit. I think I almost died that weekend.”

He laughs a laugh that you’ve never heard come out of his body before. Shawn usually had a laugh that was quiet, it was always a sort of silent chuckle. Whatever the hell was being produced in front of you was nothing of the sort. His whole body shook and the laugh seemed to stem from his belly and explode outwards. It was the cutest shit you’d ever seen in your life, and you’d happily smoke him out all of the time if it meant getting him to laugh like that.

“Holy shit, I can just imagine you doing that too.” He laughed. “I’ve always wanted to go to Coachella.”

“Yea? We can go next summer. You, me, Bryan and Stu, maybe your friends can come too. We’ll get high as possible. It’ll be fun.”

He hummed softly and snuggled deeper into your arms.

“I think Andrew would hate that idea...Let’s do it.”

***

*Shawn’s pov*

Christmas with Y/n’s family is more of a shit show than he could have ever imagined. But it also served as the most informative experience to understanding who she was as a person. To see her be this confident, take-the-world-by-the-balls woman now knowing the context of where she came from made him fall in love with her all over again. He understood her necessity to do everything on her own, with the role model of a mother who hadn’t had a choice, and a relationship with her family that hadn’t really felt supportive. It was clear that she was the baby and that they had wanted her to follow in the pattern of everyone else, to get married like her mom had, and maybe have some kids. It was also obvious that they didn’t understand the success that she’d achieved in her life thus far, couldn't wrap their minds around her having her own assistant instead of being one. And yet at the heart of it all every single one of her family members absolutely adored her. It felt incredibly disorientating and conflicting just watching it, and so he he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live it.

It isn’t until later when the pie is baking and the ham is still in the oven that she takes him to her childhood bedroom. There’s not much to explore because her mom had gotten rid of her stuff when she went off to school. So, they just lie on her twin size mattress with her head on his chest as she opens up to him again.

“My dad left for the final time on Christmas.” She murmured. “He’d always disappear for weeks or months at a time on benders or whatever, but when I was seven he left for good. I was so young that I-I didn’t understand you know? That he was sick and dealing with addiction. I thought...I thought it was my fault.”

He reaches to tangle his fingers in her hair and kisses soothingly at her forehead.

“Holidays are hard. I’ve just never really worked through that feeling I don’t think. And I try not to feel that way. So that’s why I don't come home very often and that’s why,” She pauses to smile and squeeze him. “That’s why it meant so much to have you here...Thanks.”

“Anytime.” He promised kissing her forehead. “I’m sorry if I forced you to stay when you didn’t want to. You should always have a choice and I feel like I took that from you.”

“No. Don’t apologize. Now when I think back on this room I’ll remember this moment, and not all the fucked up shit that happened here. That alone is worth it.”

It doesn’t really make him feel less guilty. There’s so much history there for her and so much of it seems to be bad. He had forgotten that just because home for him had always been this incredible, special place that not everyone got to have that. And it wasn’t fair of him to assume that of her, that maybe even making that assumption had hurt her more in the end. All he knew was that he wanted to make it up to her, because she was so good to him that even if he had done something wrong she’d never admit it, but he was high as a kite with so few good ideas in his head.

“You think maybe I could give you some more good memories here?”

“Like what?”

He moved to press his lips to her ear, all the more better to whisper his plans to her like the delicate secret it was.

“Like if I ate you out so good the only thing you can remember about this place is the time you had to try not to shout my name.”

Sometimes she looked at him with wide eyes when he would say things like that. His girlfriend was an absolute vixen, but it always seemed to surprise her that he could do the same. He was definitely the softer, more reserved one of the two, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be open with just had badly he wanted her always. But then she would grin at him a lot like how she was now, and it always led to good things. Very. Good. Things.

“You’re high right now.” She mumbled as he climbed his way on top of her body.

He was already working on the button to her jeans but sent a lazy smile up to her from above.

“Absolutely. Now be a good girl and open wide for me.”

***

He watched her hug her family as this sort of bittersweet moment. Her brothers all rallied around her, sweeping her up in their arms. It was love, and love was complicated and messy and deeply impacted by the circumstances one occupied. But, it was their love, and if there was anything he’d learned from their time there was that love could be good and bad simultaneously. When he shook the hands of all of her brothers for a final time, he got the sense that much wouldn’t change. She would always love every single one of them, but if she had her way, and she would have her way, they wouldn’t be visiting here again soon. And if it meant that she would be happy; he was absolutely okay with that.

In the car they sit for a moment in silence, nothing but the sound of the heater filling the space. She looks a little overwhelmed, a little tired, but she’s also smiling. So he figures it’s as good a time as any to do what he’d been planning.

“Hey can I...can I give you one of your presents right now?” He murmured.

She’d been lying her head against the headrest but now she fluttered her lashes at him in interest.

“Sure. I thought you wanted to wait until we got to your parents’ house though?”

“Yea. No, I did, but uh...I wanted to give you this one in private.”

She grinned. “Is it a sex thing?”

He snorted and pressed a hand against his heart in mock disturbance

“Jesus, y/n, no it’s not! I’m trying to be sentimental here and you’re ruining it.”

She pressed her lips together to try to mask her smile and it only made her even more adorable.

“Sorry. Sorry. My bad. Please continue.”

He rolled his eyes playfully but reached over her to grab the box from the glove department. It was a smooth satin box, long and rectangular. He turned so that their bodies were close to one another and rested the box on his thigh as he took her hands in his.

“I just...this year has been the most incredible year of my life. Not in a gloaty way but my music has never been better--there’s the grammys and we sold out the Rogers centre and all of the festivals, and I’ve just been working as hard as can ya know? It’s been incredible and yet...you’re my favorite part of this year.”

A snort came past her lips like she couldn’t believe that and so he squeezed down harder on her fingers.

“No, listen. This has been the most incredible year of my life, but it’s also been the hardest. And I haven’t really been able to deal with it all very well. I’ve just sort of kept pushing and kept working but you . . . you’ve become my best friend. And you make me appreciate it all. And honestly every time i flew home this year I couldn't sit still on the plane because I knew as soon as I landed I might get to see you. I know we haven’t been friends super long, and we’ve dated even less than that but I can’t imagine my life without you, sweetheart. I--I love you so much and I just want to make you happy, okay? Always.”

“Shawn.” She mumbled letting her hands fall to where their fingers were intertwined on her lap.

He reached for the box and settled it on her knee instead, flipping the lid to reveal its contents. They were two necklaces, sterling silver, and each of them were tiny swallows. He’d thought about it a thousand times, had almost returned them and gotten something else dozens, but when she gasped and her hands came to cover his mouth, he thought just maybe he might have gotten it right.

His fingers trembled slightly as he lifted one of the tiny birds into his palm.

“I thought it might be pretentious and annoying and stupid.” He sighed softly. “But, I know how much you like the pennant my grandmother gave me, and I know that my swallow is your favorite tattoo. And I know that...next year is gonna be so crazy for me, and for us, so I thought if we both had these that you would know I’ll always come back to you. We’ll uh--we’ll always come back to each other.”

Seconds feel like minutes, like hours, when you’re trying to do something nice for the person you love. It’s either an incredible gift, or the dumbest thing ever, and he genuinely couldn’t tell which. They’re sitting in the middle of a snowy driveway in the middle of a nowhere town in Ontario, and he’s professing his love for her with a gift, and she’s absolutely silent. And then she begins to cry and his heart is pounding in his chest and he doesn’t know what the hell he’s supposed to do.

“Did I--Did I fuck it up? Shit, shit it’s dumb. Look, I’m so sorry. I can fix it though. I can send it back and I can get you something else, just don’t--don’t cry! Please, baby don’t cry!”

She brings her hands up to cover her face and he wonders if a man has ever been dumped in his own vehicle before. Surely, that would be a new one.

“UGH!” She groans something that sounds vaguely flemmy. “That is the sweetest thing in the whole entire world. I cannot believe you right now.”

He collapsed against the car seat, his hand coming up to press against his heart and make sure it hadn’t exploded. His girlfriend was slightly dramatically and he was all here for it when it wasn’t giving him a heart attack.

“You don’t hate it?” He checked.

Her eyes were still covered but now her lips were trembling and tears were oozing down her cheeks.

“No I don’t hate it, dammit. That’s so fucking sweet. My heart, Shawn, my heart!”

When he went to pull her hands away from her face, she was genuinely a sight to behold. Her eyes were red and puffy, her cheeks tear stained, and her lips had somehow become more red. Maybe it was a bit sadistic, but she was beautiful. And so he kissed her, the saltiness of her tears touching his lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck, his slipping around her back in the tiny space of his jeep. Though there had been nothing but absolute fear and terror just moments before, now his heart was full, warm. She had that effect on him. He figured it meant he was just as gone on her as he thought himself to be.

“Will you put it on for me?” She whispered sniffling.

He fumbled embarrassingly with the clasp, his fingers not built for tiny metal pieces, but eventually managed to secure it around her neck. When the swallow nestle along her throat, she pressed her fingers against the smooth metal and smiled at him lovingly.

“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Shawn.”

He shook his head pressing another kiss to her cheek.

“Anything for you.” He mumbled. “Anything.”

She insisted on putting his around his neck as well. There’s an extremely cheesy moment where he presses his fingers against the bird along her throat and she does the same for him, but it doesn’t feel cheesy in the slightest. It feels important. It feels like maybe they’re deeper into their relationship than even either of them could have guessed.

When they arrived at his parent’s place again for Christmas day, his Mum notices their necklaces almost immediately. She doesn’t ask any questions, she just looks at him like she knows something that he doesn’t. It’s a smile of a mother who knows her child better than they know themselves. And he wonders if she knows that he loves her more than anything else in the world, because that’s what it feels like for him in the moment. But he just hugs her and lets her kiss his forehead instead.

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#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fic #Shawn mendes fanfic #Shawn mendes fan fic #shawn mendes angst #Shawn mendes au #Shawn mendes series #Shawn mendes smut #Shawn mendes x y/n #Shawn mendes x you #Shawn mendes x female reader #Shawn mendes x plus size reader #Shawn mendes x fat reader #Shawn mendes x thick reader #neighbors fic

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zankivich · 5 years

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Neighbors: Shawn x Plus Size Reader Chapter 6

a/n: I really like this chapter. I like these characters being together. It makes me very happy. I’m soft I can’t help it. Let me know if you like. Reblogs are important. K bye.

*y/n pov*

“And then he said…’K. Have a nice day, honey’?!” You exclaimed. “Can you believe that shit?”

Stu looked at you after you’d recounted your whole entire night to him, and the look on his face was one of complete and utter satisfaction. He was grinning at you like the cat that ate the canary and you were absolutely not here for it.

“What hell are you grinning for?” You muttered.

“Oh nothing.” He sighed dramastically twirling around his dumb office chair. “I just seem to remember a conversation a couple months ago where I was very much was telling you that this was going to happen, and you were all like, ‘go fuck yourself Stu! It’s not gonna happen!”

You laughed and rolled your eyes kicking his chair playfully.

“I never said that. You were right. You’re always right. Now can we move on to the part where you tell me what the hell I do now?”

“Didn’t he ask to see you tonight?”

You nodded. “Yea, after work.”

“Well if I was you...I’d fuck his brains out before he leaves for New York. Make him think twice about those Victoria Secret models.”

“Stu, you can’t just go shoving your dick into everything. It’s not a full proof plan.”

“Don’t you think I know that? That’s why every now and again I bottom.” He smirked sending you both into fits of laughter.

So much for getting work done.

“The thing is though, like he is leaving soon like you said. Like he’ll be in New York, and then he’ll be in France, and then he’ll be in LA, and I’ll just be here you know?” You mumbled.

“That’s terrifying. I get it, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do if Bryan was gone that much, especially when we first started out. But, that communication shit you’re always harping on everyone else for, is gonna be super important now. It sounds like he’s super down to talk things through, but you have to meet him halfway, kiddo.”

He poked you gently in the arm, before rolling back over to his office to get work done leaving you to ponder things in confusion as always.

***

Shawn: Do you wanna keep me company while I pack?

Y/n: Will there be snacks?

Shawn: Of course

y/n: fine I’ll put on pants

Shawn: I’d rather you didn’t

You could only hope that in your expensive ass high rise toronto apartment, that the walls were thick enough to cover the squeals of a grown ass woman completely losing her shit.

y/n: okay

You ran desperately around your room throwing your granny panties to the hidden depths of your closet for something much more form fitting and lacy. You exchanged your t-shirt bra for the one with more lift and less coverage before sliding into one of your oversized t-shirts and running to the cute boy next door’s apartment. You thanked whatever deity had convinced you to shave and exfoliate that morning--something Shawn surely shouldn’t get used to in the deeper, colder months--as you knocked on his door.

He opened the door in a white saint laurent t-shirt and sweatpants and you wanted to kiss him silly, but he beat you to it.

“Hi.” He murmured already pulling you by your hips.

You found yourself humming contentedly as he licked inside of your mouth. His palms were large and warm digging into your sides and making you feel tingly all over. The only Shawn you had ever gotten was soft and fluffy and innocent. So, when his hands traveled to the hem of your t-shirt and quickly ran up the back of your thighs only to cup your ass in the much sexier underwear you had adorned, your hum turned into a full fledge moan that was only completely ridiculous. When he pulled away it was with the cockiest smirks you’d ever seen in your life. And maybe, just maybe you wanted to sit your face on it.

“You miss me?” He asked skimming his nose against yours.

His hands were still very much all over your body, and a seductive Shawn was as effective as all the other Shawns. Jesus.

You nodded slightly out of breath. “Little bit. Did you miss me?”

“Little bit.”

“Okay wise guy, I thought you needed help packing?”

“Not really. I just wanted to look at you while I did it.” He murmured tugging you along toward his bedroom.

You weren’t usually one to blush, but this man was testing your limits. Your face felt five degrees warmer than the rest of you, and you had a feeling it wasn’t going to get any better. Shawn let you sit smack in the middle of his king size bed, with a glass of white wine surrounded by ice cubes the way he knew you liked it, while also making decisions about what he should take with him to NYC and Paris.

“Where’s that shirt you wore when we went to pick up Chinese that one time. The one with the flowers?”

He pulled out a black, silk button up with flowers of hues of pinks, reds, and purples. You knew it was a good shirt because you could imagine yourself pulling it off of him.

“I love that shirt on you. It’s sexy.” You admitted.

He smiled bashfully, all sex and brimstone gone when you were complimenting him apparently.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. You look good, babe.”

That made Shawn pause. He was usually the one with the pet names, as he’d been calling you sweetheart since the first time you met. The closest you got to a pet name on the other hand, seemed to be affectionately calling him jackass. But, it had rolled off the tongue simply this time. You wanted him to feel good, wanted him to know how you felt about him.

“Babe?” He asked coming closer to slide the shirt into his suitcase.

He leaned onto the bed with one of his knees eyes trailing across your face like he was taking in your every atom. Instead of making you feel watched, and uncomfortable like you tended to; it made you feel seen, wanted, cared for. You weren’t used to feeling so full around someone, and maybe that’s why it had come so naturally for you.

“Y--Yea.” You mumbled eyes falling to the condensation on your wine glass. “Is that okay?”

You felt the bed shift as he crawled in after you. Fingers capturing your glass and moving it off to the side so that it wouldn’t spill, he nuzzled his face all warm and soft into your neck.

“I love it.” He whispered. “It’s so much more than okay.”

You let your fingers slide up into his curls scratching softly at his scalp. Suddenly packing seemed immensely insignificant and not just because it meant he’d be leaving you soon. Someone had to have an ounce of control.

“You’ve got packing to do.” You protested weakly as his eyes were zeroed in on your lips.

“Fuck packing.”

His hips were warm and they grounded you to the bed in a way that had your legs falling open to let him slide between. His tongue was searching deep in your mouth, teeth scraping at your bottom lip just slightly enough to hurt. It felt so fucking good. The way his hands mapped your body with rough fingertips and gentle touches. The way he reached for your thigh and squeezed pulling it up around his hip. The way his breathing got labored and uneven just like yours. The way his passion was easily matching yours, always.

His lips attached themselves to the most sensitive part of your neck right below your ear, while his fingers tugged at your t-shirt.

“I wanna make you feel good.” He mumbled. “Can I?”

You were flustered and warm and you just wanted him to keep pushing down with his hips.

“You already do.” You whined.

You felt his teeth against your neck as he smiled and it had your insides turning molten.

“Not like that. I wanna make you feel good right now. I wanna make you cum.”

Holy shit.

“Yes. Yes--now, please.”

From then on time seems to become more elusive. His hands on your body feel like they’ve been there simultaneously for seconds and for years. When his fingers enter you and his tongue is doing things you could never have prepared for, your entire body is at a loss. There’s nothing to hold onto, there’s nothing to ground you when he’s making your body feel like it might explode at any moment. At some point his suitcase ends up tumbling off of the bed, but you’re moaning so loud who the fuck has time to check on it?

His arm muscles were tensed as he plunged deep into your being. His curls flapped in his eyes with every push of his hand and he had this look on his face like you were the sexiest fucking thing he’d ever seen. That with the fact that he seemed to have located your g-spot like it was a magnet had you tumbling straight into an orgasm that pulsed hard and hot from your very core. Your thighs clenched down around his arm as you rode that wave and the next thing you saw was his flushed cheek leaning against your knee as he waited for you to come down enough to give his hand back.

“Damn your thighs are strong as hell.” He chuckled as his fingers finally slid out.

You watched with labored breath as his fingertips still glistening with your juices left a shiny trail along your stomach before he slid his middle finger into his mouth. That may have been the point when you collapsed but who was keeping score?

“Thick thighs save lives, or crush hands, haven’t you heard?”

He straddled your body looking down at you inquisitively as you struggled to keep it together. Looking at him was a fucking vision, and it was so easy to get lost in his eyes and in his being when he was looking at you like he’d already done the same. Shawn, as confusing at he was, always felt so open to you, like he’d tell you anything in the world if you asked him to. And that openness made you feel so close to him in that moment of intimacy because there he was offering you pleasure and care and tenderness in a way you’d never received before. It was overwhelming. It wasn’t about the orgasm at all either, it was about his willingness to make you happy above all things. He had you falling so fucking hard you didn’t know what you’d do when you hit the ground.

“Was it good?” He asked smiling at you dopely, all the fire and sex turned to actual puppiness.

You giggled letting your hands settle on his thighs on either side of you.

“Yes, Shawn. You did real good.”

Your eyes trailed along his body noticing the hard on that was tenting his sweats. He made no move to take care of it, seeming quite content to stare at you as long as you’d let him. You reached with tired fingertips to tug at the edge of the sweatpants, more than ready to give him a similar sentiment only for him to gently nudge you back to lying flat on the bed. His fingers intertwined with yours and he kissed softly at your mouth.

“I don’t want you to repay the favor. I want tonight to be about you. Wanna remember you just like this while I’m away.” He whispered.

It’s a wild experience to know that he was putting your pleasure before his own just by giving your body such attention first. For him to then make it so blatant and obvious that there were zero expectations for you, that you feeling good was enough for him, was all that he wanted? That was going to take a little longer to process. But you wanted to give him something, felt good about sharing yourself with him in the way that Stu had hinted at days prior. Communication. A novel concept.

“Shawn?” You murmured as tugged his comforter over your bodies and allowed you to settle on his chest.

“Yea, honey?”

“I was thinking we could talk about...about you going away for awhile. And maybe what the expectations are for each other?”

Your head nestled into his chest allowing you to hear his heart beat and it didn’t change at all in rhythm because unlike you, feelings talk was like mother’s milk to him. His fingers were in your hair playing absently with the strands as if you weren’t asking him major questions and you found it immensely distracting.

“I’m so glad you’re asking me about that.” He chuckled

“You are?” You asked propping yourself up on his chest to make eye contact with him.

Eye contact is an important part of communication. You were sure you’d read that in a book once.

“Of course. I don’t want to flail through this. I’d much rather us have open and honest communication with each other.”

You nodded very much feeling like all you knew how to do in life was flail.

“Right, uh…”

His fingers nipped at your chin. “You’re very cute when you’re flustered. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you unsure before.”

“I like to be in control.” You admitted softly. “You are very new territory for me.”

“I don’t know, I kinda like that. Just tell me what you want, honey.”

As if it was just that easy.

You breathed deeply. “I… I want you. I like you very much, and I guess I’d like to know that while you’re away I wouldn’t be seeing other people, and that you wouldn’t either.”

“Hmmm...So you wanna like date me huh?” He asked a grin appearing on his lips.

You rolled your eyes.

“Well duh.”

“A few days ago you thought I wanted to be fuck buddies, I don’t think we should assume anything.” He chuckled. “It’s okay though, I wanna date you too.”

“You do?”

“Very much so.”

“So we’re like...doing this then?” You mused a smile coming to your face that Shawn seemed to think as cute as all hell.

“Exclusive Monogamy. The whole shebang. Could be fun right?”

Who the fuck would’ve thought that when you went drunkenly knocking on doors like a jackass you’d end up dating your neighbor. It felt like John Hughes had graduated from high school telling of age stories and was hell bent on taking over your life. But when Shawn held your face and kissed your forehead, it was impossible to not give into. Even if it were all to fall apart the next day you were in it, and you were okay with that.

***

He asked you to drive him to the airport. It seemed like something you just might have to get used to, but the first time was a hell of a ride. His flight left at eight, and he usually worked out at seven, so you were woken up at the crack ass of dawn, or five, for him to continue his daily routine. It was weird to watch him pack up his stuff knowing that he was leaving, knowing this thing between the two of you was new and fresh and vulnerable. It made the thought of him leaving all the more terrifying.

“You don’t have to wait if you don’t want to.” He explained as you parked the car. “We haven’t talked about public protocol at all, and there’s probably people who will take pictures, whether fan or pap”

That had been why you hadn’t gone to New York after all hadn’t it? The fear of the whole world seeing and analyzing your every move without your knowledge, when that was never something you’d really wanted to begin with. But, if you were in this thing with him, and you knew in your heart of hearts that you were all in, then it wasn’t really a matter of if, but when. With all the kindness and dorkiness and beauty that Shawn was coming with, this would come to. If you were all in, you had to be entirely in.

“Would you like me to come inside with you?”

He smiled softly. “Of course I would, but don’t let that influence your decision.”

You simply turned the car off and looked at him expectantly until he chuckled adorably and reached for his backpack.

“Fine. Guess we’re going public. I’m sure that I’m gonna hear from Andrew about this.”

You grabbed one of his bags out of the trunk and stuck your tongue out at him when he offered to carry it himself.

“Maybe you should focus less on what I’m carrying and make sure you have your passport.” You joked referencing the last time he’d left and his parents had had to drop it off to him.

“Wow, babe you’re so funny.” He deadpanned.

You made dumb faces at each other as you walked into the airport completely in a blissful state. It wasn’t until you made your way towards the waiting area and there was a gaggle of fans waiting patiently in a circle for him that the severity of it all sort of hit you. You were suddenly much more aware of your simple leggings and sweatshirt, and because you were truly a narcissist you could already feel them staring at you. (They were definitely staring at Shawn)

“You can wait here.” He offered softly tapping comfortingly at your hip.

He met them where they were at quickly taking every selfie and hug that was offered to him while you sat quietly watching from afar. It was kind of sweet to watch him in his element. He was warm and gentle with them the way that he was with everybody. You knew he’d woken up at five after staying up with you until one, but it didn’t seem to make a big of difference to him. No matter how tired or rushed or jetlagged, it really didn’t matter, which situated it all differently for you in your mind. It made them--the fans--seem a little less intimidating if the bond that they had was that genuine. If he wasn’t afraid of them, it made it kind of hard for you to be.

When they made the call for his flight, and the fans had for the most part cleared out, he sent you a smile so shy and wholesome you couldn’t decide if you wanted to throttle him or kiss him.

“What?” You murmured smiling back him.

“I wanna hug and kiss you goodbye.”

“Okay, so why don’t you?”

“People will take photos and sell them.” He shrugged. “I don’t want your life to change because of me.”

You nodded looking down at the ground where your dirty sneakers met his fancy boots. It was very easy to believe that it didn’t make sense, the two of you, as there was a world of ugliness waiting to fuck it up. But, the truth of it was you were just a girl from Toronto who liked a boy from Pickering. Everything else could wait.

“Well maybe...maybe we could be sneaky?”

“Yea? How do you suppose we do that?”

You moved quickly throwing your arms around his neck and squeezing with all your might. You were gonna miss this jackass, your jackass, and he needed to know what he was leaving behind. That there was someone who care so deeply for him that they were clearly acting against their better judgement.

“I’m gonna fucking miss you.” You whispered into his neck holding your bodies together fiercely.

His arms wrapped tightly around your waist like he might not ever let go, and you were more than willing to stand there all day.

“I’m gonna miss you too. But I--I’ll call. And I’ll text. And I’ll send you snapchats of my dumb face at all hours of the day. And maybe it’ll be like I never left.”

“Yea. Maybe.”

You both knew that wasn’t the case.

You don’t kiss him, but you settle your hand underneath the back of his t-shirt so that you can feel the warmth of his flesh, and he does the same for you, and you wonder if maybe it will be enough. But, something in you knows that it won’t. That it’ll be just as lonely as if you’d never touched at all.

And when you leave him there and climb back into your car where his smell still lingers and his coffee cup sits in the cupholder, it hits you that maybe you care more than you originally thought because the pain that’s in your chest is too deep and too real to be a fling. This scares the shit out of you. You weren’t prepared to care as much as you do. You weren’t prepared to like him as much as you do. And you weren’t prepared to be hurt by that. But here you fucking are.

****

Shawn has flowers delivered every single day that he’s gone. It’s wild because he had to have known that you were actively the girl who would complain about flowers being cheesy and corny while simultaneously absolutely wanting them. That’s at least seven layers of bullshit for him to read through. Cute.

It was also wild because by the end of the first week that Shawn had been gone your apartment was starting to look like a flower shop...or a funeral.

“Shawn the door man thinks that I’ve had a death in the family! I can’t keep coming home to a different bouquet every day of the week no matter how beautiful they are. I’m running out of room.”

Shawn was unbothered by this.

“But they’re really pretty.” He whined. “And I’ve already paid for two weeks of them. Have the sunflowers come in yet?”

That they had. The first several days had roses. All kinds of beautiful roses. Red ones, white ones, pink, and this gorgeous yellow color. Today you had arrived at your apartment building to a vase almost bigger than your body filled with long stemmed sunflowers. The fun fact, which you were almost positive you’d never told Shawn before, was that sunflowers were your favorite flowers in all of existence.

“One, how the fuck did you know I like sunflowers? And two, where the fuck are you getting them in the middle of November?”

“One time when you were drunk, you told me about this dream you had of walking through a field of sunflowers in a sunflower dress eating sunflower seeds, which seemed like it might upset the sunflowers a little but….I don't know I just remembered I guess.” He shrugged at you from some hotel room. “Also, I don’t know where they come from; I just paid for them.”

You scrunched up your nose at him. That definitely sounded like the dumbass shit that came out of your mouth.

“That’s really sweet. And kinda hot.”

“Good. Everything I aspire to be. Now can I show you something?”

You sighed dramatically. “I suppose.”

You watched his face leave the camera as he switched it around to show his nightstand. And right there was the candle lit up with its brilliant hue. That had been your gift to him when he’d left. After he’d crawled out of bed at five am like the devil he was, you thought the best you could do was offer him a bagel and a going away present. When he’d come out of the shower to not find you in bed, he’d panicked only to find you on the couch with his mini breakfast. While you sat curled up in his arms sharing pieces of toasted bread and cream cheese, his fucking curls tickling your neck you had pulled a lavender candle from behind your back to give him. He’d then spent the twenty minutes after that saying thank you with breathy kisses while he fingered you to climax right there on his couch. It was definitely the best gift you’d ever given.

“What do you think?” He asked. “It actually kinda smells like your shampoo.”

You smiled like an idiot. “Can’t believe you’d even wanna smell me while you’re away. I’m sure I don’t smell that good.”

He flipped the camera back around so that your eye could lock through the tiny cameras on your phones.

“You smell like home. It’s all I wanna smell.” He assured you.

You bit your lip and looked down into your lap as if it might contain the answer to all of the world’s problems, like how to contain yourself when the guy you’re dating says the wild beautiful shit to you. Instead you were just left flustered like the soft, idiot this man turned you into.

“I...I miss you.” You winced. “I didn’t know I could miss someone this much.”

“Yea . . . me too. I miss you too, honey.” He sighed before trying to smile reassuringly. “How’s your new project going at work though? That dickhead Daniela still giving you problems?”

His attempt to distract you worked and before you knew it you were off and running complaining about the office, and telling him all about Stu and your’s lunch time glare sessions with Daniela, the office bitch. He had the audacity on top of all that to laugh and smile and chime in like he actually cared about your day. That was the thing about Shawn though, there could be a million people in the room and he’d still find a way to make you feel like no one else but you existed.

“How’s France?” You asked because just like Shawn cared, so did you.

He shrugged rolling over on his bed. “I’m not gonna be here long enough to see anything. We got in pretty late and then the show is tomorrow. I do press, I get dressed for the show, and then right after I’m on a plane back to LA.”

“Bummer. It kinda sucks you don’t get to enjoy the cultures you’re in.”

“Yea, but I try not to complain too much. France is absolutely beautiful. The people here are beautiful too. I wanna take you but I’m afraid you’d leave me if you saw how gorgeous everyone is.”

You snorted at his joke and he smiled, like he always did, when he made you laugh.

“I think that I’m perfectly happy with what I’ve got thank you. What time is it there anyway?”

He tapped at the screen clunkily obscuring your view of his face for a second.

“It is...three twenty-seven.”

You raised a delicate eyebrow. “In the afternoon?”

“No silly, in the morning.”

“A.m? It is three in the fucking morning and you’re sitting here talking to me? Why?!”

His head was on a hotel pillow and he looked soft and cuddly and so fucking warm. It was sickening.

“Because I miss you. And I . . . I don’t wanna sleep if I could be talking to you instead.”

And so that was kind of how it went.

He called when he could, but most of it was just texting throughout the day when either of you had time. Sometimes he would send you snapchats of behind the scenes makeup touches for interviews, or him playing a new song in the back of some room you could never decipher. It definitely sucked every night you went to fall asleep and he wasn’t forcing his mammoth body into your side of the bed. And you really, really missed--though you would never in a million years tell him--when you felt the bed shift knowing he was crawling out to go to the gym. More than anything you missed when he would climb back into bed fresh out of the shower, wet curls snuggling into your neck, and the smell of his body wash in your nose. You missed the way he lit up the room when he was around. You missed his very essence truthfully. And you find that is never really gets easier, you just get sort of used to the pain of him being away--sort of like when you’ve been hungry long enough that you begin to ignore the rumbles. It’s still there, maybe you’re just better at ignoring it.

***

It is four in the morning. Nothing could explain why the hell your phone was going off at this ungodly hour. You keep your eyes closed barely able to grab hold of the demonic device to answer this dumbass call from this dumbass individual, whoever they may be.

“Yo...what the fuck.” You groaned across the line. “Is this is a collect call? If this is a collect call, I’m fighting someone.”

“H--hey babe. Did I wake you?”

Wow.

“Shawn.... I’m breaking up with you.”

“I know, I know, I’m the worst human being alive! I’m so sorry for waking you up.” He whimpered.

“All of that is true.”

“But hear me out,” He continued. “I’m kind of outside your door right now.”

Your eyes opened into the dead of night as his words had endorphins appearing out of nowhere in your veins.

“Are you fucking with me? If you’re fucking with me, I will cut your dick off.”

He chuckled softly. “Come see, baby. Or did you wanna go back to sleep instead?”

You were out of bed before your body had even registered that it was awake. You were sure that he could hear you running through your apartment like a crazy woman to get to him. Unlocking the door with shaking fingers, you yanked at the door knob to see six feet of Canadian fluff at your door. He had on these hideous plaid sweats and a hoodie. His hair was tied back with his headband, and his backpack and bag were still with him. He hadn’t even stopped at his apartment. He’d made his way back just for you.

Before you know it you’re in his arms, and he’s holding you so close it makes you feel whole again. His chest in warm and his fingers slide under your shirt to rub soothingly at your back. A part of you thinks you could cry if your body could function enough to work properly. You hadn’t even known how badly you missed him until he was actually in front of you again.

“What are you doing here?” You croaked, face hidden in his chest. “You weren’t supposed to be home until tomorrow.”

“There was an earlier flight out, so we took it. It meant people go to be home with their families for American Thanksgiving and I got to come home to you.” He whispered as he tightened his fingers in your hair. “I missed you.”

Who knows how long you stood in the middle of the hallway with no pants on hugging him like he’d been off at war. Maybe you were a little sappier than one might like to admit. But, it’d been a really long time dammit.

You asked him if he’d come sleep in your bed, and he happily obliged, missing the warmth that he brought to the covers. You wrapped yourself around him like a plus-size koala bear in desperate need of affection. From the outside it probably look like the most ridiculous shit ever. All you knew was that Shawn was back and your first instinct was to attempt to crawl into his being. And he had the nerve to let you.

“I think you gotta quit being a superstar now.” You mumbled into his neck.

He laughed and the sound vibrated in his chest having you snuggling even closer.

“You could always quit marketing and come on the road with me. We could make you a roadie or something.”

“Okay, cool, so neither of us are quitting our jobs.” you said dryly.

He laughed again. You never wanted him to stop.

It was still after four in the morning, so once the shock of Shawn’s being back wore off you were very much ready to go back to sleep. Shawn was tracing shapes on your back and it was soothing you into a complete and total sense of serenity. Everything was turning fuzzy around the edges, sleep coming over you when another rumble came from his chest.

“Y/n?” He whispered.

Shawn was much more for pet names--more than anyone you’d ever met actually--so when he called your name it pulled you back.

“Hmmm?”

“Do you think that… Well, now that I’m home I wanted to spend some time with my family. I--I really miss them, ya know? And uh my dad and I were gonna go to the mall tomorrow and do christmas shopping and maybe see a movie. You know how I’ve been wanting to see bohemian rhapsody since I recorded that song right?”

He was rambling. Shawn tended to ramble when he was nervous.

“Shawn,” You sighed, eyes still closed. “You don’t need to worry about hanging out with your family. I understand, okay? I want you to be with them; don’t stress. Can we sleep now?”

“Well it’s just that...that’s not really all I had to say.”

“Okay?”

“I just was wondering if--if maybe you’d feel comfortable coming with us.”

That had your eyes bursting open with ease.

Holy Shit.

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zankivich · 5 years

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Neighbors: Shawn x Plus-Size Reader Chapter 2

a/n: hi friends. Feeling kind of down about all things writing at the moment, don’t know if I’ll continue at all. But this was already written so I figured I might as well post it. If you don’t hate it and feel like letting me know that’d be cool. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. bye

*Shawn’s pov*

He walked down the hallway jingling his keys and taking his time. Then just in case, he walked back to the other end. If anyone was around to see him, they’d surely think he was crazy. And maybe he was. This is the life that he had been destined for. Walking up and down the hallway of his apartment building in the hopes that the girl next door might pop out.

He’d been doing it for weeks and so far had only been successful twice. Since the night of their first meeting, and the subsequent morning after where they’d puked together for a couple of hours, she’d been stringing him along like she had the carrot and he was a rabbit. At first he’d thought maybe she wasn’t interested, was even going to give up, and try to move on. But, he’d stumbled upon her juggling a whole bunch of groceries one night and the conversation that followed told him that maybe he wasn’t crazy at all.

“Here let me help you.” He’d said reaching for the bag she’d be trying to balance between her knees.

“I had it.” She mumbled in response.

“Just let me help you. Accepting help isn’t the greatest weakness in the world you know.”

She was maybe the most stubborn woman he’d ever met in his life. And Jesus did he love every little bit of it.

“Thanks.” She said begrudgingly.

He followed her into her apartment which was much different than his own. Less bachelor pad, more grown woman with her shit vaguely together. She had a couch and a coffee table, and all of her furniture was mix match and different. It fit her somehow. And the longer he was in there the more he felt like he was learning about her. He peered over at where she stood in her kitchen, hip casually propped against the counter as she stared at him with crossed arms. He stepped further away from the living room, choosing instead to join her at the counter. He thought about the way her waist had felt under his hands when they danced, and the way her laugh sounded as they drank tequila. He wasn’t quite sure what to do about how much he thought about her. And the look on her face wasn’t exactly one of love and adoration. All of the confidence he had felt after the cuddling and the dance had completely washed out of him.

“Can I ask you something?”

He leaned against the other side of her counter, his legs long enough that they rested on either side of hers.

“Sure.”

“Do you like… do you not want me around?” He mumbled eyes on his fingers which were fidgeting with his ring. “Cause I kinda thought that we might of hit it off in my apartment. I mean I know there was alcohol involved so maybe...I just don’t want to bother you if you don’t want that.”

She stared at him for a second, and he got the feeling that she was trying to decide whether or not she was going to be honest with him. When her face softened, it was as if a wall came down, and he had somehow moved on to the next level of knowing her more deeply.

“I… guess I’m just confused on why you want to be around so much.” She shrugged.

He nodded trying to wrap his mind around everything that she was.

“So it’s not that I make you uncomfortable. Or that you don’t like me?”

“No I,” She paused and her cheeks darkened. “I like you.”

He smiled at her, completely incapable of stopping the twitch of his muscles. And maybe she rolled her eyes and tried to play it off, but it didn’t matter. Now he knew.

So he took some extra time every now and then--or every single time he entered the building--to see if she might come around. It was a tuesday night and that meant that she should be getting home from work any minute. He’d landed in Toronto that afternoon for a break after promo, having spent the day with his sister and mom, and all he wanted was to ask her about her day.

When he saw her get off the elevator this time, his heart leaped in his chest. And not just in the way it had been doing since she’d knocked drunkenly on his door at two am looking for salt. There was a man with her this time and his arm was draped casually over her shoulder like it belonged there, and yet he’d never seen anything that looked more wrong. He moved quickly to get into his apartment, not wanting to be found creeping in the hall while her date dropped her off. The saddest part was having to physically restrain himself from staring through the peephole, but his heart already felt broken and he wasn’t in the mood to torture himself more than he already had.

He changed out of the outfit he’d worn, both to show his mother that he wasn’t completely helpless without her, as well as to maybe make the pretty girl next door notice, and grabbed angrily for his guitar. His fingers were itching, he couldn’t get his feet to stay still, and his stupid heart wanted very much to head in the direction of his next door neighbor. It was the perfect combination for a song, and a wounded heart.

*Y/n pov*

You notice when Shawn leaves town. Mostly because you were constantly looking for him. Not in a weird way, you hoped at least, but just in a way of wanting to see him. After he had somehow gotten you to blatantly admit that you liked him--without any discussion of what kind of like that was--there hadn’t been much more development. You didn’t have his number, and he didn’t have yours, and despite the fact that you were literally inches from each other, it felt like he was so far away. He’d admitted to liking you too. That was the craziest part of it all, and yet both of you were just kind of watching from afar wondering what the hell either of you had meant by that.

That was partly why you’d gone out that night. Your best friend, Stu, had watched you sulk long enough apparently, and despite the fact that he didn’t know the crush you had was on the rockstar next door, he’d had enough of your moping. So he transfered you to a bar straight from work where you drank and moped and ate tacos. There were worse ways of moping, you guessed. When he dropped you off, arm wrapped around your waist to balance you in your heels the way only a true best friend would, you stared longingly at the door that you really wanted to be behind.

“You gonna be okay babes?” He asked.

You nodded sullenly. “Don’t mind me. I have a hitachi wand that does everything a man could ever wish to do for me.”

Stu wrinkled his nose and you smiled for the first real time of the night at your best fiend.

“You are just so hopelessly gay. Go home to your boyfriend. Stop worrying about me. I’ll be fine.”

“Fine. If you decide you finally want to talk about something that’s bothering you, you know I’m just a call away.”

You didn’t have the heart to tell him that this particular burden could only be solved by six feet, two inches of pasty Canadian. So, you hugged him and let him get on with his night instead.

You changed back into your oversized t-shirt and shorts, and settled about baking something that would make you forget about Shawn. You found the process of creating something from nothing to be particularly soothing, and thought that maybe it might help. And if not that, certainly the added bottle of wine would do the trick. There was no thinking about Shawn when you made the pie crust. There was no thinking about Shawn when you were sauteing the apples. And there definitely wasn’t any thinking about Shawn on your third glass of wine when you swore you saw his face in your caramel sauce. What a shit show.

The pie was just coming out of the oven when you heard your neighbor blasting some very sad shit. It sounded like maybe it was an alternative band that would once have been a emo/scream-o band in 2008, but had evolved. Shawn happened to look like an innocent puppy with big floppy ears every single time you’d ever seen him, so the music was even more puzzling then it would’ve been for any one else on the planet. Even more puzzling was the conscious understanding that he was home. He had to be… You scolded yourself. Going over to that man’s apartment tipsy for the second time in a row would be absolutely ridiculous. No. Just no.

And that is how you ended up outside of your neighbor’s apartment for a second time, far less done up than when you’d cuddled in his bed. In your fuzzy slippers and oversized tee you knocked hard against his door, hoping that he would be able to hear you over the depressing music.

*Shawn’s pov*

The knock on the door is the last thing in the world he wanted to deal with. He had half a mind to pull the rockstar card and ask for them to fuck off. Despite being twenty-three years old, he felt more like a sappy teenager than ever, and he just wasn’t in the mood to have someone tell him to turn his music down when the woman he liked was probably in love with someone else. They had definitely never defined any sort of relationship; hell, he hadn’t even talked to her more than a couple of times. He had no right to be hurt by her living her own fucking life, but…he was.

When he opened the door and she was standing there in fucking fuzzy slippers with a pie in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, he thought for sure he must be dreaming. But she had this adorable, awkward grin on her lips that he wanted to kiss, and knew that his brain wasn’t even remotely capable of imagining such a beauty.

“H--Hi.” He mumbled, dazed.

She blinked her annoyingly long lashes at him.

“Hey. I...I didn’t know you were home again.”

His ears perked up at this.

“You noticed that I left?”

Her cheeks reddened and he felt his heart reform itself in his chest. Wow.

“No I--I just…” She stuttered. “I heard the music. Sounded like maybe you could use some pie.”

No one had ever baked for him before. And he didn’t know he wanted it, needed it even until right in this moment.

He smiled at her. “So, you baked me a pie?”

Her lips parted drawing attention to her mouth and his eyes traveled there unwittingly. She was beautiful and he was maybe just a tad bit hopelessly into her already. Her big, brown eyes rolled at him so hard he thought they might pop out of her head. She cocked her hip in the most sassy manner he’d ever seen, but all he could do was remember what it had felt like to hold her hips in his hands, what is had felt like to mold himself to the back of her body. His mouth was suddenly dry.

“I did not bake you a pie. I baked a pie. I bake when I’m stressed, and you are just simply reaping the benefits from my hell of a life.”

“You’re stressed?” He frowned before suddenly moving into action. “What are you doing standing in the hallway? Come in.”

He slid the wine from one of her palms sliding his hand there instead and pulled her into the safe confines of his home. Shawn thought that she looked like she belonged on his couch. And the visual of her tucking her legs under one of the oversized pillows his Mum bought him made his whole chest feel warm. He made a mental note to thank her for buying the pillows again.

He popped the cork on the wine and poured each of them a glass, tucking some plates and silverware under his arm before making his way back to her. When he sat down his knee brushed against both of hers which were folded sideways so that her body was angled towards him. They both looked at each other before awkwardly looking away and take a gulp out of their respective glasses.

“So, what’s bothering you, honey?” He asked propping his arm against the hand he had leaned against the back of the couch.

She shrugged twirling the glass around in her fingers.

“It’s not that I’m bothered by anything. I just went out to dinner with a friend, and he and his boyfriend are like ten years strong, so everytime we go out together it feels like he’s pitying me. But he’s my best friend, and I love him. So even though I don’t really like to bother him; he kinda calls bullshit.”

The guy who dropped her off.

His eyes widened. “Boyfriend? Like...as in a gay boyfriend?”

Her eyes immediately turned to slits and he’d never seen someone’s face change so drastically so quickly.

“Yea? Is that a fucking problem?”

Nice fucking going, moron.

“No! No, no, no. That--That’s wonderful! I mean...I love gay people!! Honest. I--I met the fab five at this netflix event thingy and Tan France totally exposed me to the power of a printed floral shirt.”

She stared at him like maybe she thought he was the dumbest fucker alive, which he most definitely was. Even if she was single, he was going to end up with her hating him before he’d even gotten a chance.

“Hmmm.” She hummed seemingly deciding that he probably wasn’t a homophobic asshole. “What do you say we eat the pie now?”

She set the pie on one of the plates and instead of cutting either of them a slice dug her fork directly into the cripsy center of the pie. The room filled with smells of cinnamon and apples, and his stomach rumbled appreciatively. Then, out of nowhere, she was lifting the fork towards his mouth instead of her own, and he immediately fell even harder. She seemed to stare accusingly at her hand, as if she wasn’t sure why she’d made that decision, so he moved to close the gap between his mouth and the fork lest she change her mind.

“Oh my god.” He groaned around the metal. “You fuckin made that?”

She chuckled at him and the smile on her face nearly did him in more than the pie did.

“Like I said...I like to bake.”

“Will you bake me things all the time? I mean you should be selling this!” He rambled plucking the fork from her fingers to take another bite. “You might just have the cure to cancer in a pie, and no one knows about it.”

“Shawn, I assure you there is no cure for cancer in my pie. There may be connections to heart disease with all the butter, but no cancer.”

Bummer.

“That’s okay. I still support you in all your endeavors.” He assured her.

“Well thank you...As long as you as support me.”

They smiled at each other and all of the tension from the last couple of weeks wasn’t there anymore. He got to just be with her, and it felt absolutely amazing.

They drank wine on his couch and ate her ridiculously incredible pie while catching each other up on their lives. It was wild to think that they’d only spoken a couple of times, because he kind of felt like he could tell her anything. There wasn’t any judgement there. He never knew how good it could feel to just have someone to talk to.

“So this is like...the biggest promo tour you’ve ever done?” She asked.

They’d discarded the pie and had settled close enough to each that their thighs were touching. The wine and the candles he’d lit earlier had each of them feeling warm, and her thighs were poking out of that big t-shirt that he kind of wanted to knot his fingers in and pull her closer. But he didn’t. He liked the idea of just being with her without trying to hit on her, and something about that felt important to him. He liked her that much.

“It’s definitely the most intense. Andrew is working really hard on navigating my cross-over from ‘teen pop star’ to ‘genuine adult artist’. I think the music will speak for itself. He kind of agrees with me, but wants to put me in as many situations as possible to make that happen. It means performing a lot, which is when I’m happiest, so I’m okay with it.”

She did this thing sometimes where she would hum while she thought about something. He had half the mind to call Charlie Puth and ask what key she was humming in because it sounded absolutely beautiful to him.

“Do you get to come home often?”

He nodded watching the way her eyes dipped to her lap. His fingers itched around his wine glass to tug her chin up so he could see them again. It felt like her question might be more layered than either of them was ready to admit

“Yea. I come home as often as I can. I mean...there are definitely times where I’m gone for weeks at a time, and when tour comes around I’d be gone most of the year, but even if it’s only for a couple of days I try to fly home. Toronto feels like a safe space...It--It recharges me.”

It feels like barriers are being broken. Like they’d been standing on opposite sides of the room, but with every passing minute, they were stepping close to each other. And he wanted that, wanted to know her as deeply as she’d let him. He got the feeling that she wasn’t used to opening up, and he wanted nothing more than to change that.

“But uh… What about you?”

She reached for the bottle of wine on his coffee table, refilling both of their glasses for the fourth or fifth time.

“What about me?”

He rolled his eyes and used his head to nudge at her shoulder playfully. What happened instead was that his head just kind of stayed there.

“Well I know you like to bake...I know you like tequila. I know salt on your fries is a must. And I know that you hate the idea of accepting help. I wanna know more.”

She took a deep breath and he felt her shoulder lift as she exhaled. She smelled like cinnamon and lavender. It was intoxicating.

“It’s not that I hate the idea of accepting help,” She mumbled. “I just am used to doing things without it.”

“How come?”

“You ask a lot of questions you know that?”

He nodded. “I figure if I keep asking eventually you’ll answer one of em.”

“Funny. You’re funny.”

He took another sip of wine and maybe he nuzzled his face a little more into her shoulder.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I’m just here to listen.”

It takes a long while. They sit in silence and drink another full glass. Somehow it’s not awkward between them. He actually feels rather content. He thought that maybe he could sit in silence with her forever, and it’d be okay. Just as long as he could sit beside her with her hair tickling his forehead.

When she speaks it takes him by surprise. Mostly because of the sound starting as a rumble in her chest and hitting pleasantly at his ear. She doesn’t start out deep at all. She just tells him about her family at first. She used to be super close with her mom, but their relationship is complicated apparently.. She has three older brothers, who she thinks made her as tough as she is. But there also wasn’t a lot of time for emotions with four kids and a single mother, so maybe that has something to do with her struggle to let people in. She had a cat growing up that died while she was away at college, and she hasn’t adopted an animal since. One of her favorite albums of all time is The Stranger by Billy Joel. She’s always wanted to visit Amsterdam since she read The Fault in our Stars in high school. Peanut M&Ms are her favorite candy.

He realizes somewhere between the story of her mother taking her to see a scary movie for the first time--and how she’d been braver than any of her brothers--and the story of the time she broke her arm against a bully’s face, that she’s kind of absolutely incredible. And he’s not sure why that makes him smile so much, but it does. And he can’t help it. And he’s not sure that he’d ever want to.

“What is so funny, sir?” She asked when he’d been smiling into her shoulder like a maniac for over ten minutes.

They’ve drunk so much wine that all of his inhibitions are gone, and all that’s left is the truth.

“Nothing’s funny. You’re just insanely wonderful is all.”

He can feel her roll her eyes and before he knows it his wine glass is being pulled from his fingers.

“I think that’s enough for you, bud. Time for bed.”

“What? Nooooo, I wanna hear more about your eighth grade emo phase!” He whined indignantly.

“Another time. I have a feeling if I keep getting you drunk like this, there are gonna be some very angry record execs looking for me.”

She got up off the couch and helped him into a standing position. He was maybe a little more wobbly than he’d like, but it wasn’t as if he was hammered off a little wine. Nonetheless he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and let her drag him towards the bedroom. Maybe because he just wanted to be close to her.

“No one would dare yell at you, ever, sweetheart. I’d fire them on the spot.”

She chuckled and squeezed appreciatively at his hip in a way that shot sparks across his skin.

“It’s nice to know someone’s looking out for me.”

They make it to his bedroom, which isn’t too different from the guest room they slept in last time. It’s just a little bigger, and so is the bed, and he’s got pictures of his family and friends on the dresser. Most of his awards stay in his old bedroom in Pickering, but his first artist of the year award for the MMVAs sits on his desk, because it was from Canada, from home, and it served as a reminder of everything he’d accomplished.

“You okay now?” She asked once he made his way safely into the bed.

He yawned reaching for her hand with his own.

“I’m fine. Come lie with me though.”

“Shawn, I should go back home.”

He sighed squeezing her fingers tightly in his own

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Just for a minute. Please?”

It takes a little tugging before she is lying beside him. He can’t help but hide his face in her hair again, the smell of lavender so calming in his nose. His arm snakes around her waist without ever talking to his brain first and through the haze he recognizes the important of checking in first.

“I--Is this okay? Please tell me if it’s not.”

He’s hold her gently with his hands and they’re not making eye contact, and he just needs to know that it’s not wrong. That she wants it too.

“It’s okay.” She murmured and laid her hand on the arm covering her waist to give it a gentle squeeze.

“Are you sure?”

“I promise. Thank you for asking.”

They fall asleep with their legs intertwined and their bodies pressed together. He sleeps better than he did the entire time he was away.

***

*Y/N’s point of view*

It just becomes a thing that you do all of a sudden. You’ll knock on his door, or he’ll knock on yours and you wind up sitting on his couch for hours. It’s like you’re...friends. Friends who fall asleep holding each other every now and again, or all of the time. He talked to you about music stuff, and it never felt gloaty or pompous. It was his world and he let you into it, because he said it made him feel good to talk to someone outside of it all for a change. Some days he spoke industry talk that went over your head a lot, but you listened anyway. Other days he spoke of melodies and songs and his passion for his work. And those were always your favorite because his eyes lit up and he stammered more and he just had the most perfect look in his eyes to you.

Besides the times when he’s talking to you about record labels and industry mishaps, you find yourself forgetting that he’s not just your neighbor. You get the feeling that he prefers it that way. Neither of you acknowledge what it is exactly that you’re doing. Is it friends? Is there a deeper attraction there? He didn’t seem to want to push you towards any particular decision, and quite honestly you were still having trouble wrapping your mind around everything that he was. But that didn’t stop him from pulling you into his bed at the end of the night and tucking your head under his chin. It didn’t stop him from holding your hand at random times, or insisting on you sharing a blanket despite the multiple ones available. It was a weird sort of limbo that you found yourself in.

It’s another night of hanging out, only this time in your apartment, when the scale tips a little more out of balance. You were sitting criss-cross applesauce beside each other eating takeout with chopsticks when he brought it up.

“So…” He hedged, around a mouthful of lo mein. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“I have to go away for a little while. I’m spending some time in New York. Couple of talk shows, a little recording, some meetings.”

You nodded. “Do you want me to like… water your plants or something?”

“Water my--No! No, why would I...No. I was actually wondering if you wanted to tag along.”

“Tag along? Like go with you...To New York?”

“Yea!” He said eyes bright and puppy like. “Look it’s not that weird. I have friends come visit me on the road all the time. You know how I told you I get lonely when I’m doing those long ass business meetings with all the old folks, it drives me crazy. Come with me.”

It feels weird. And not just because this thing between the two of you keeps festering but because you also haven’t really hung out outside of the confines of your apartment building. Leaving the country feels fast, it feels... like maybe it means something. You’re just not sure what.

“I don’t know Shawn... Can I think about it for a couple days?”

He nods, smile not dimming in the slightest.

“Of course. It’s uh--it’ll probably be next week. Andrew is getting flight information together now so I asked him to get an extra ticket just in case. There’ll be a spot for ya.”

“Okay. Yea, okay.”

You sit in silence for a while each of you munching on noodles. It’s not necessarily awkward, but it lacks the usual comfort that you two had had since the very beginning. Shawn proceeded to fidget with his food sending you random glances over his kung pao chicken. You didn’t know what to say, so you stayed quiet.

“Listen y/n did I--”

A knock on the door interrupts him, and quite frankly you’d never been so happy for unannounced company.

At the door is none other than your best friend, the light of your life, Stu, and suddenly you realized that you’d neglected to have the “my neighbor’s a rockstar” talk with him. So much for welcoming unannounced company.

“Stu!” You gasped. “What’cha doin’ here bud?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Bryan was getting on my nerves, and I needed to come vent. Since when are you so squeaky?”

“Squeaky? Who’s squeaky? I’m not squeaky!”

His eyes slanted closer into slits. He knew you better than anyone and that very rarely played to your advantage.

“Are you fucking someone in there?!”

Very. Rarely.

“Shhh! Would you keep your mouth down, no one is fucking anyone.” You hissed.

“Okay, okay. Sorry, jeez!”

You both took a second to take deep breaths and calm yourselves the fuck down. Shawn thought this might be the perfect time to intervene apparently.

“Is everything okay, sweetheart?”

Those fucking pet names of his would be the death of you.

“Ah ha!”

Your best friend cheered as if he had just cracked the fucking case, and promptly kicked your door open to reveal Shawn sitting on your couch in shorts, black tube socks, and a headband on like he was either about to work out or do a face mask. What a shit show.

He paused, box of lo mein in hand, and a bite of food he was definitely stealing from your container still raised to his mouth.

“Uh...hi?”

“Excuse me?!” Stu exclaimed. “You’re telling me I’ve been at home worried you were falling into a downward spiral and your ass has been sitting up in here canoodling with Canadian treasure, Shawn Mendes?!”

“Canoodling?! We are not canoodling Stu!”

“Why are we yelling?!” Shawn asked.

You sighed. “We’re both pisces and over-dramatic, it’s kind of our thing.”

“Awww, I didn’t know you were a Pisces.”

Jesus.

“Oh this is normal.” Stu nodded sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. Hey man, I’m Shawn. You must be Stu, I’ve heard a lot about you”

Stu stared at Shawn like he had three heads before staring at you like had four of them. There must have been some unofficial best friend rule that said if one were to ever hang out with one of the biggest selling pop acts of the decade and not tell said best friend, you were kind of the worst.

He took a deep breath before rolling his eyes and moving past you to plop down on your couch.

“I’ve heard absolutely nothing about you, Shawn. Please do tell.”

You looked to your couch where the boy you sort of liked and your best friend were suddenly interacting. It felt as if your bubble had been popped. Like it wasn’t your own little secret with Shawn anymore. And you couldn’t help but wonder what New York would like, what it would be like if the whole world knew you were friends. This terrified you beyond belief.

Slowly, and not without difficulty, you make your way back to the couch where the two men are talking about the fact that Shawn lives next door. You picked up your noodles and tried not to freak out at the latest development. Shawn peered over at you as he was talking and seemed to notice that things weren’t a hundred percent okay.

So smoothly you barely noticed yourself, he rearranged himself on the couch ever so slightly so that his shoulder was pressed more soothingly against yours. It was something he’d only done a couple of times before, and it had only been when you were noticeably stressed. But you peered over at Stu and his eyes seemed to be zoned in on the lack of space between the two of you. And your mind imagined that on a grander scale, of hundred of thousands of people scrutinizing your every move, your every atom. It made your skin itch, and your chest feel a little tight. You shifted on the couch, leaning slightly farther away from Shawn so that you were sitting on individual cushions again.

Shawn looked at you, Stu simultaneously looking at the both of you, and you sort of wished you could melt into the couch. It was definitely the most awkward hour of your life, and you had someone manage to go through puberty.

***

By the time Stu leaves, it is after one in the morning, and your body and mind are thoroughly exhausted. The apartment is silent as Shawn and you work to clean up the mess from your dinner. You can feel him peering at you, but you try to ignore it, try to work through the awkwardness that has settled between the two of you. You feel more separated from him than ever and you can’t help but be surprised at how shitty of a feeling that is.

Shawn stood next to the sink as you loaded the dishwasher, leaning his long limbs against the counter. You have your head down by the plates when he brings it up.

“So I feel like I’ve done something wrong.” He murmured.

“You didn't. Everything’s fine.”

“Yea, see the problem is that I don’t believe you.”

You stood up reaching over him for another glass to slot into place never making eye contact.

“Well that’s not my problem. I told you nothing is wrong, just drop it.”

“Hey,” He muttered reaching for your arm gently to stop you. “Why are you angry with me? Talk to me.”

His thumb nips at your chin, titling your eyes upward so that you have no choice but to meet his. When the room is empty and no one else is around, it’s so easy to get lost in this. His thumb sends sparks across your skin, and you want to just nuzzle into his chest and go lie in your bed for a little while. And in moments like this, more than anything, you want to demand that you tell him what all of it means, because his hands on your hips don’t feel friendly ever.

“I can’t…”

“You can’t what? Tell me what’s going on inside your head right now.”

Your eyes flicker down to the tattoo on the back of his hand and you press your thumb against the ink as if it will give your more courage to speak. Maybe it does. Or maybe it’s just the comfort of his skin touching yours.

“I can’t go to New York with you. I--I can’t be seen standing next to you.”

You see the hurt flash in his eyes and your whole body completely rejects the notion that anything could ever be allowed to hurt him, that you yourself could ever be capable of such a thing.

“No. No--shit, Shawn I don’t mean it like that. I’m not embarrassed of you. I just...I don’t think I’m ready to have people stare at me like that. The way Stu was looking at us tonight? He’s never looked at me like that. I’m not ready for that kind of scrutiny.”

Shawn’s eyes dropped, a curl fighting its way from underneath his headband to fall into his eye. You reached hesitantly up to tuck it back into place only for Shawn to wrap his hand around your wrist and keep you there.

“So it’s not that you don’t want to be my friend anymore? Or that I fucked something up talking to Stu?”

“Of course not. You’re actually kind of perfect. I think if Stu wasn’t definitely endgame with Bryan he probably would’ve hit on you tonight.”

Shawn nodded letting your wrist go so that he could wrap his arms around your waist instead. You nestled your head against his chest and sighed a sigh of relief as the tension eased slowly out of the room. He held you close swaying your bodies gently back and forth. You could hear the rhythm of his heart and you worked to match your breathing to his. It calmed you immensely, and made everything else seem insignificant.

“Sorry for overwhelming you, honey.” He mumbled into your hair.

“It’s not your fault. It’s okay.”

“I’ll wait for you ya know? For as long as you need.”

It’s another weighted statement, that neither of you know what it means. Or, maybe you both know what it means and you’re just not willing to admit it yet. But, he lets you wrap your arms around his shoulders, and he lets you hide in his chest for a little while longer. And apparently he’ll wait for you for as long as you need. Even if neither of you quite understand what he’s waiting for. For now, this is enough you suppose.

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