#Something cringy or bad things I’ve done in the past I just want to die and I still even feel like it even now

[smediumsmeatbae]

Family Portrait (1)

PAIRINGS: Chris Evans x Reader SUMMARY: You want to get some portraits of Chris and you. Then, a ridiculous and hilarious theme is born.  WORDS: 1240-ish WARNINGS: Maybe a swear word? Drinking, the 80’s, but pure fluff! A/N: So this is my first sort of “crack” fic that I’ve ever done and I’m not even sure if it constitutes as that but it’s definitely vv silly. :D This is part one of a two part fic. Please do not publish this fic without my permission.  Not beta tested, mistakes and bad writing are my own.  Tags will be in the reblog because tumblr suuuucks.  Likes are awesome. Reblogs and comments are better. (And keeps content fresh!)

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The idea was a crazy one. When you had come up with it, you both had been taking shots of tequila with Scott and Zach. The laughter didn’t die down for several minutes and the ideas just kept flowing,  each one more awful and hilarious than the next. Mullets. Flock of Seagulls. Thick, wire-rimmed glasses. Cindy Lauper makeup. GIANT. PUFF. SLEEVES.

What was the idea that had the four of you laughing so hard? Family portraits. 

PRE-TEQUILA NIGHT: 

“You know, we’ve never gotten any professional pictures done before, babe.” You mused. 

As you were looking at the wall in front of you, you noticed that there were all kinds of candid pictures of Chris and you out with friends, silly pictures of you and he goofing around, there were photos of family game nights and a particular shot of a flipped over game of Chutes and Ladders where Chris swore Scott was cheating. There were past Halloween photos where you all dressed up in increasingly ridiculous costumes. Last year, Chris had been Sweeney Todd and you had been Mrs. Lovett. There were also photos of you two all dressed up, pre premiere or award show nights.  

One particular favorite shot of yours was the first award show Chris ever took you to. It was the People’s Choice Awards in 2015. Chris looked very handsome in a plaid shirt with a navy sweater over it. You had gone for a simple emerald green cocktail dress; something classy, but wouldn't outshine your love. That night had been amazing. First, Chris had won the award for best action movie actor. You had never been so proud, until later that evening when Chris broke the internet by escorting Betty White up to the stage, showing the world how much of a gentleman he was. That was the night you fell even more in love with him.

“What are you talking about? We have all kinds of professional photos.” Chris called back to you, snapping you out of your memories.  “No, you have professional photos for work. That doesn’t count.” You corrected him.  “Huh… Now that I think about it, yeah. I have so many of those things, I forget sometimes.”  “We haven't even gotten engagement photos yet.” You mock pouted.

Chris chuckled as he came over to you and kissed the top of your head. 

“Well, how about we get some? I have a friend who is a professional photographer. We can get some really nice shots of you and I. It would be super intimate, casual, no pressure.”  “Okay, Chris, but we still have to wear somewhat decent clothes. I want this to be nice. You can’t go in your sweats.”   “Oh please, what d'ya take me for?” Chris scoffed. “I can dress up when I wanna.” 

TEQUILA NIGHT: 

After that day, the photos conversation had gotten put on kind of a back burner of sorts. Chris still had all of his work at Marvel to do working on Civil War and you were just as busy at the publishing company you worked at. Neither one of you brought it up until Scott had asked how the wedding planning was going. 

“Oh Chris that reminds me, did you call your photographer friend for engagement photos?” You asked.  “Crap, no sweetheart, I forgot."  “No worries babe. Can you do it this weekend?”  “Promise.” 

As Chris gave you a peck on the lips, you could hear Scott making fake gagging noises. You stuck your tongue out at him. Zach ribbed him to quit being a child. 

“Have you guys thought of a theme for the pictures yet?” Zach asked, excitement in his eyes.  “A theme? Don't we just go take some nice pictures in a park somewhere?” You asked.  “Well, the thing this year is themed engagement photos. They’ve been blowing up all over the internet of people having spooky themed ones, zombie ones, serial killer ones…”  “Okay that’s enough.” Chris looked on in mild discomfort. “That sounds kind of awful.”  “Well, you don't have to have murder themed ones.” Scott rolled his eyes. “There are people that do cute stuff too, like recreate the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene.” 

You let out a laugh at that. Chris would look so cute as the Tramp scooting a meatball towards you. But the thought of a bow in your hair like Lady didn't suit you. No, it had to be something different, something more you two. 

“Well I do like the idea of a theme, just as long as it suits both of us. You know how much I love a theme.” You grinned.  “Let’s take some shots and then decide.” Scott declared as he held up the bottle. 

As the night went on, more and more ridiculous themes kept being called out. There was a Jurassic Park themed one where Chris would dress up in one of those t-rex outfits and chase you around. There was a 1950’s themed one where you would be on a picnic but you instantly vetoed that. You would not be in a poodle skirt and sweater set in June.  Scott suggested a Patriots themed one, which perked Chris up. 

“We can definitely have a couple of Pats ones for sure, but I’m not seeing an entire theme out of it.” You decided. 

It was then that the stereo system started playing one of Chris and your favorite 80’s songs: Take On Me. To Scott and Zach’s utter dismay, you two would not be silenced until the song was over. It was then that you had a brilliant idea. You had a brilliant, awful idea. How could you have not seen it before?

“BABE!” You partially screamed, thanks to the three shots of tequila you had previously taken. “80’s theme! We could recreate those awful mall gallery photo shoot ones with the terrible backgrounds and the big bouffant hair!” 

Chris burst out laughing, clutching his chest at the idea. Scott and Zach were soon to follow, deeming it a perfect idea for the two of you. It was fun, silly, and cute. You would still do a few shots that were “normal” and a couple of ones in your matching Pats jerseys, but these photos would be the center focal point of the whole session. 

After that, the four of you were wild with ideas on what to do for the shoot. The dorkier looking, the better. Maybe you would be able to do a photo where the two of you were looking at the photographer and then a cutout in the same photo of the two of you looking wistful and stoic into the horizon. Of course you needed to do a background laser theme, a callback to one of Chris’s school photos from his childhood.

“Do you still have those wire rimmed glasses from the Dennis sketch you did for Kimmel?” “Oh man, those would be perfect!” Chris laughed.

By the end of the night, you and Chris had a plan to take the perfect engagement photos. You were going to curl your hair in really tight curls for a mock perm look, making sure to put a ton of hairspray in it. You also were starting to get ideas for makeup, channeling 80’s Whitney and Madonna. Chris had the glasses but you were sure you could find some outfits that would be cringy awesome for him. You couldn’t wait to take these photos!

#chris evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans fandom #chris evans fanfic #chris evans fan fic #chris evans fem!reader #chris evans x reader #chris evans x female!reader #chris evans x female reader #chris evans crack fic #crack fiction #crack fanfiction #rpf #chris evans rpf #american actor rpf #80s!Chris

[itslikethesizeofmy]

Ready, Set...

Ch. 1 ...Creepy Old Guy

I unlock the door to the old, Victorian house I’m moving in to, still amazed I could afford such a home. Both the size and the extent of the renovations previous occupants had made, the house was a steal. With my meager possessions, it would take time to make the house feel like a home. The two bedrooms and office space meant I had room to spread out, which was definitely an upgrade compared to the small apartment I had before.

             I start carrying in boxes and placing them in the living room before deciding where they belong. After I finish, I bring a box of dishes into the kitchen and see a scrappy man leaning against the stove, sipping a slushie and looking bored, before blinking out of sight. I place the box on the counter and shake my head. I really need to sleep, I think to myself. I start to put away my dishes before moving on to my bedroom. After finding the tools I need, I put together the new bedframe and take the mattress out of the box.

             When I’m finished, I spread across the bare mattress and sigh. I knew I needed to shower, but that involved getting yet another box of things unpacked. I make myself sit up and groan, and see the same striped suit reflected in the window. After I rub my eyes, the image is gone. As I head downstairs to find the box of linens and towels, I see a couple standing just inside my doorway.

             “Can… Can I help you?” I ask them, wondering why someone would let themselves into my new house.

             “You can see us?” the man asks.

             “Adam, I think he can see us,” the woman says, shaking his arm excitedly.

             “Uh… yeah? I can see you, and you’re in my house,” I tell them.

             “Well, it was our house,” the man, Adam, says to me.

            “Oh, I didn’t realize,” I say, offering my hand. “I’m Jay, I just moved in.” Adam’s hand is cold, making me shiver.

             “I’m Adam, and this is Barbara,” he smiles.

             “We’re dead,” Barbara grins.

             “You’re… dead?” I ask hesitantly.

             “We live in the attic now,” Adam smiles.

             “So… you two are ghosts, yes?” I ask them.

             “Yes,” Barbara answers.

             “And you live here?”

             “Right again,” she nods.

             “Are you going to like… haunt me? In a mean way?”

             “Not unless we need to,” she adds. “Beetlejuice might, but he’ll stop if you ask him to.”

            “Don’t tell him about Beej,” Adam says to her. “We want to make a good impression, we haven’t met someone new since the Deetz’s left.”

             “Is ‘beetle juice’ the guy in the stripes?” I ask them.

             “Oh no, you’ve met him already?” Adam asks me.

            “I’ve just seen reflections of some guy with green hair and wearing a striped suit,” I shrug. “You’re the first ghosts I’ve met, and as long as you’re not going to be malicious, you can stay.” Adam and Barbara quietly cheer with each other, and blip out of sight.

            I sigh and rub my temples. I didn’t sign up for a haunted house, but Adam and Barbara seem friendly enough to not cause any troubles. From the way they talked about him, the guy in the suit may be a different story. I guess I’ll deal with that when it comes up, I think to myself. I find the box I came downstairs for, and make my bed before finally showering off the sweat and aches of the day.

-----

            As I continue unpacking the next day, I still see the reflections of the third ghost when I pass windows, in the mirrors, and off the refrigerator. Adam and Barbara help where they can, happily making conversation between themselves and with me. We unpack the rest of my bedroom, and I put away my clothes as they float around the room putting my knickknacks where they see fit.

             “The previous family that lived here, the Deetzs, moved out because Lydia went to college,” Barbara tells me. “Some other people tried to move in before you, but Beetlejuice scared them away.”

             “Does he just miss them?” I ask her.

            “I don’t miss anyone, the other people just weren’t good fits for this house,” a gravely voice says from the doorway. “I’m still not convinced you are.” I turn to face the voice, and see the same striped suit and wild, green hair I’ve been seeing since yesterday.

             “So, you finally decided to show yourself,” I smile.

             “Don’t try me, babes,” he says to me.

             “Don’t try me either, babes,” I say back to him. “They already told me your whole schtick, and I don’t have any reason to summon you. I’m alone and have a decent job with nobody for you to haunt.” I turn back to my clothes and Beetlejuice walks away, grumbling to himself.

             “Wow, you handled that well,” Adam tells me.

            “From what you’ve told me about him, he must not be that bad,” I shrug. “I’ll just have to get used to having you guys around.”

             Later in the day I find Beetlejuice moping around the kitchen with another slushie.

             “What’s up, buttercup,” I say to him, jolting him out of his reverie. “Or… beetlecup?”

             “Beetlecup is pretty good,” he chuckles.

            “Good, cuz I have more dad jokes and cringy pickup lines up my sleeve and I plan on using them,” I tell him, rifling through the cupboards for something to eat.

             “Ughh, that’s supposed to be my thing,” he groans.

            “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it,” I grin. I find a box of cookies and tear into it, leaning against the counter and offering it to him. “I don’t know if ghosts eat, but you are drinking what seems to be a slushie so…” Beetlejuice eyes the box and sighs, taking it from me.

            “I’m a demon, its different,” he tells me as he crunches. We stand in an awkward silence, passing the box to each other.

              “I know I’m not Lydia, or any of the other people that have lived here, but I still want to at least get along,” I say, breaking our silence. “Just don’t smoke in the house, and don’t watch me shower. Again.”

            “Damn, rules already?” he smirks. “It was a good show though.” Beetlejuice wags his tongue in between two fingers and winks at me. I punch him in the shoulder, and he laughs. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone You’re not the only one I’ve met.”

             I cross my arms and look him up and down. “You’re not as bad as Adam and Barbara make you out to be, you know.”

            “Adam is a sexy idiot and Barbara is more of a haunter than he is. She had to die to feel alive again. I also may have a troubled, troubled past,” he says dramatically, pouting and batting his eyelashes at me.

            “You and me both, but then again, I’m not a demon,” I tell him. “Don’t eat all those cookies, I’m not done with them,” I say as I head out of the kitchen to continue my unpacking, satisfied with the connection I made with the resident demon.

#beetlejuice x reader #beetlejuice #beetlejuice the musical #bjtmtmtm

[blueboxsteastroll]

Doctor Who: The Tsuranga Conundrum - reaction

Spoiler alert! Obviously.

Disclaimer: Not a bad episode. I mean it really could be better but really not bad. I just like ranting sometimes.

1. Ok, I really like having a sort of random casual moments in the stories. Like collecting junk. Kind of make it all a bit more rooted.

2. Is running from the bomb not going to help?.. like even a little?

3. Ok, they got saved. Excellent. Shame if they all just died. Because that was 100% a real possibility.

5. Why is The Doctor being so weird? So unhinged? Is this the effect of the bomb?

6. <gasp> an android! I don’t care what’s his name. He’s Connor to me. Please, don’t turn out to be bad. I love you...

7. hehe, I liked the tome vs chapter line. She has a really cool way of delivering sassy dialogue.

7. I like the doctor guy. I need someone calm and composed in this madness.

8. How very convenient the attack happened just as they were looking at the screens. I’ve never seen this done on any sci-fi show ever below.

9. Shady Connor is shady.

10. Wow, Graham has got 100 stealth going on there.

11. No, don’t go in. Ok, I don’t want you to die, but then again you deserve it.

12. Nooooo! I really bonded with the doctor guy.

13. Phew, Connor is not evil. How could I have doubted him.

14. OH, this thing is cute! I love the design. Fantastic.

15. What?! So you are without your TARDIS and you sonic?.. again?!

16. Oh, no hold on. I take it back. It puked it out. Charming.

17. DO NOT GO INTO LABOUR! Ok, we’re fine (he is so going to give birth before the end of the episode).

18. Oh, we are getting a lecture about parenthood and giving up a child. They really did abandon any semblance of subtlety in this show, didn’t they? Like sometimes I am not even sure if I am watching a BBC show, or one of those public announcement videos that try pushing an agenda. I mean Dr Who always had an opinion and a bias, but we were allowed to interpret certain things for ourselves and allow some ambiguity in the characters rather than be spoon fed with what they believe in no matter what (I am looking at you last week’s episode where apparently suffocating to death was morally superior to being shot dead). Right, rant’s over.

19. Oh dear, I am feeling another rant coming up. WHY IS THE WRITING SO BAD?! Why is there no logic? And so cringy… who actually talks like this? Why is there a quality chasm between this and Broadchurch? So, was getting rid of the guy with the pod the creature’s plan or an accident, because if it eats metal and kills people by touching them why get rid of a person like he was any threat and of a pod if it was food? Also, you have 6 minutes! Shut the fuck up about your past since this is not the priority at the moment. Your survival is! You have a … OMG! OMG! OMG! I know where I know this creature from! It’s fucking Stitch! It gives out that vibe.

So you have a Stitch running around destroying a ship in the middle of space, you do not have TARDIS so no emergency escape route. Why are you not more freaked out? Why is the Doctor the only one freaked out?

20. Is the Doctor high? It’s jumping between clichés and some really cool linens. I’m so confused.

21 Ahahah, the best 10 seconds of the episode just happened. From putting Graham and Ryan in the birthing situation to the “Right now I’m imagining you sorting all this out”. + 5 points for that one.

22. Am I supposed to say it again? You don’t have time for this! The scene is absolutely beautiful but you need to create a logical slot in the story where it would fit. Why introduce danger and action sequence in the first 10 minutes of the episode when you could have put this scene there? Like when they walk around looking for exit and they stumble across this energy source machine, and the Doctor can go all inspired on it. And only after that you get hairless Stitch in.

23. Oh sorry, you’d have more time if The Doctor wasn’t monologuing 10 sec ago.

24. You don’t have time for this!!! You do remember Yaz was left in like an impossibly dangerous situation, right?

25. What? How is this far enough? Can we not like throw it out of the ship?

26. Ok, I still do not get why the pod disengaged and detonated. But I will accept that I simply do not understand the explanation.

27. That Hamilton joke is so accurate though. Like that’s going to happen one day 100%.

28. Why is he getting contractions? There is no pushing and no pain in the process of birthing in his species from what I understand. Why evolve with contractions?! What bullshit is this?

29. Thank God they did not kill hairless Stitch. I actually really loved this ending.

30. Awww, I thought the brother was going to say he was secretly in love with Connor.

31. Wait for it… Wait for it… It is… fre sh a voca do!

32. Ok, the ending was kind of sweet. Not deserved as pacing and character introduction was all over the place. But oh well. Next week’s episode looks great.

This was definitely better than the spider episode from last week. That one just completely lost the plot mid way through.

I usually have one episode per season that I can point to if I want to introduce people to Doctor Who. Something that gives out the character and is good enough that a newcomer can get hooked. This season has not yet had that episode for me. The Rosa one was really good, but also had problems with writing (you do not repeat the same joke like 3 times) and pacing. The directing, the shots, the music are all beautiful and the actors are really great. But having to cope through some of those lines is just kind of painful.

Never mind, I will go and watch some of the previous series now.

#doctor who #12th doctor #season 11 #episode 5 #s11e5 #the tsuranga conundrum #reaction

[unwillingkomaedakin]

Entry 3 - June 21th 2020

i haven’t written on here in a while. i was going to but i forgot to. i’m not going to write in here every day unless something really important is happening for a few days. not a lot has happened, and i’ve been meaning to write about not posting every day for a while now, but i never got to doing it. 

i got an email on friday from some office i’ve never heard of at school but i wasn’t at school that day. they want to talk to me about something, i asked one of my acquaintances about it and she said the office is for learning support or something. like if you have learning difficulties and stuff. i don’t know what they want me for, but i’m going to go to them and ask about what they want tomorrow. i’m kind of nervous, and i’m probably going to forget. oh well. 

today is kokichi’s birthday. i want to finish the art i started for his birthday, but i wasted a lot of time doing nothing on vr chat today. i do that a lot. i hope to find someone to talk to on there but just spend time doing nothing but world-hopping and listening to conversations i don’t understand for hours on end. one time i met someone else with a Komaeda avatar, and we talked for a while. that made me really happy. i found someone with a korekiyo avatar today but they sort of ignored me. most people on vr chat ignore me. i ended up crying for a bit but was called to dinner before i could have a meltdown. 

i have religion work that was due on friday that i still haven’t done. i did finish my art yesterday and got it all printed out today, though i probably forgot some stuff considering how stupid i am. oh well. at least i got it over and done with. i doubt i’ll be at my current school for much longer so it doesn’t really matter. i just need to keep pestering my lazy ass mom about it until she finally gets off her ass and becomes a parent. she never does really anything for me. just tries to feel me up while i’m trying to sleep in bed and shit. i hate her. 

it feels really nice typing like this, getting my feelings out, writing without having to think too much. i like it. it soothes me in a way. not having to re-read through something i just wrote and cut out different parts because it goes over the word limit. i don’t have to take out things i might think are too personal. this is essentially an online diary, and i doubt anyone i know will ever find it, let alone figure out who owns it. i forgot what i was saying so i’ll go on with something else. 

i got a minecraft account today. i had one when i was really young, but i forgot the password and stuff to it and the username was really cringy. i got another one like a year ago but i hate the name and i used the account solely to play with my toxic ex-friends. that account brings back bad memories, so i just got a new one. of course, i have a Komaeda skin on minecraft. after i got it i didn’t really play for long since i got bored. i feel like i’m starting to become a bit like a Komaeda x izuru love child. what does love child mean. i hope it means what i intended that sentence to sound like. whatever. 

i think i have another school counselling session on wednesday. why is counselling so hard to spell. i’m excited and nervous for it. it’s my second time going, the first time was really fun. i got out of a class i hate and i got to paint. of course, i didn’t really talk about how shitty i feel since i still feel like a burden talking about my feelings when no one cares about them. i might get to that if i get the courage to. i painted Komaeda there with a flower crown. that picture is sitting with my Komaeda figures. i have a Komaeda shrine of sorts, though it’s a bit barren right now. i can’t remember if i’ve mentioned my Komaeda shrine here before. oh well. 

next week is the last week of school for the term. there’s this one school i’m set on going to. my first high school was a public school, and my current one is a private school. this new one is another public school and my mom doesn’t want to send me there because it’s a public school. i can’t remember when, but i think it was a few days ago. we drove past this school after school ended. i saw the kids waiting outside to get picked up and others leaving the school. something about what i saw that day clicked something in me, and now i’m set on going there. something is calling me to go there. it’s got half the amount of students as my current and last school, which is less anxiety inducing. when i first came to my current high school, i experienced social anxiety for the first time when i was walking through the school trying to find the office since i had no idea what to do. it was in the middle of the school term so everyone else was already settled into the school and knew what they were doing. the anxiety i felt then made me nearly throw up on the spot. my anxiety tends to make me feel physically ill, and experiencing that for the first time was crazy to me. i eventually figured out the cause on my own though. anyway. sort of forgot what i was talking about again.

i forgot to mention this, but a few days ago i went to the doctor to get my memory issues checked out. i’ve been showing an unhealthy amount of signs and symptoms of frontotemporal dementia and i’m really anxious about it, not to mention how unhealthily unreliable my memory has become. but woo fucking hoo. the doctor didn’t take me seriously. on a fucking memory test, the doctor gave me the answers. are you fucking stupid? it’s a *memory test*, you’re not supposed to give the answers dipshit. if i die from dementia or whatever i might have, i hope the blame gets partially put on that doctor for not doing their fucking job. 

i really only want to move schools to find a friend. i’ve always wanted a best friend. like the sort of friendship. i’m bad at words hold on. just two best friends, no friend group, no one else, just two best friends without any other friends, only each other. that’s what i want. it sounds weird when i describe it, but of course it does. i’m horrible at basically everything. i want a one on one friendship, no friend group. just one best friend who’s always going to be there for me, and one best friend who i’ll always be there for. one i can fall in love with over a long period of time and grow to love. i’ve never really felt love for anyone in my life. i hate my family, i’ve never had actual friends, no one has ever cared for me, i’ve never had any crushes or anything. the closest thing i’ve felt to love is the way i feel for Komaeda. but honestly, it’s more of passion than love. but are they the same thing? i don’t know. i’m too stupid to know that. at first i thought it was a friend fetish thing, but i discovered later on that i’m just demiromantic. i don’t care about what education or teachers or anything any new school gives me, as long as i find at least one true friend. i’ll be happy. it’s all i want. all i ask for. why can’t i have one? what have i done to not deserve the love of even one person? my heart hurts. i think i might cry. i’m too selfish to wish for these things. 

#diary #Komaeda #Nagito #Komaeda kin

[rbthemad]

alright so i was planning on making this post in like december or january cause that’s when it would have marked one year but i figured i’d make this now since it’s kind of relevant to me at the moment

so if you’ve been following me for more than a year, you may have noticed my blog drastically changed from a blog about cow chop and youtube and shit to a blog that posts a LOT about love live, and i kinda wanna talk about why that happened and why this show means a lot to me

i’m gonna put the rest of the post under the cut cause it’s long and i start talking about personal life shit. like, seriously it’s the main reason i’m making this post in the first place

so about a year ago, life was seemingly fine to me. Christmas had just passed, I built a new computer, and i was proud of myself for doing something that i thought i would have never done, and i was happy.

then my step dad kicked us out of our own house.

my mother and step mother are not meant for each other, and i’m going to stand by that statement until the day i die. They are always making bitter comments towards one another and it always feels like something bad is about to happen just in a normal day. When they argue, they do not know when to stop, and they do not realize what they are doing. they have to continue to argue until one of them seemingly “wins” the argument. They also do not know how to control their emotions, so in these intensive moments, it is always fucking loud.

I’ve been having to deal with this for the past 6 years. If I had to say one thing positive, it’s that they’ve learned to stop fighting physically. I’ve had to deal with so much shit from them that i’m almost certain it did something to me. Just the sound of my mother’s voice raising at him is enough to make me want to run and hide.

On this specific day, my step father had enough, and he kicked me, my mother, and his 3 year old daughter out of his own house.

I was staying at my grandmothers house the majority of this year, and since i had no room, i had to sleep on the couch and have my laptop set up in the dining room of the house. I wanted to just get away from all the bullshit that my mother made me endure but I just couldn’t

so anyway, extremely sharp change of tone real quick, siivagunner is pretty funny. I didn’t listen to every single video of his, but i did listen to the noteworthy stuff. I knew about most of the memes except one. the one from that one shitty looking anime. Apparently the song was called Snow Halation. I had listened to the original quite a number of times since I first found it since it was quite the catchy song. Most of the comments on the video were ironic, since the song was a meme. this lead me to assume that the show it was from was bad and you could only enjoy it ironically. So I looked up what show it was from, and decided to watch an episode of it. It HAD to be bad cause it was a meme, right?

I was hooked on the first episode.

I went into love live expecting it to be shit. I was expecting all the cringy anime shit that people would edit with a green screen of filthy frank, but you know what? None of that was there. The music was good, the girls were cute, and the plot was simple, nothing extraordinary, but it had a charm to it, and bad was definitely not a word i would call it.

I would watch an episode or two a day, and as the show went on, more members were introduced, and more songs were performed, i got attached to the show. I was starting to feel something I hadn’t felt in a while. I was happy again.

I still had to deal with the shit my mom put me in, as well as school. I kinda had to keep what was happening to myself, as I don’t really have people i trust enough at school to talk about this with. You may say, “what about the Pizzeria?” well yes, i do trust them, but i still considered myself relatively “new” and i didn’t want to make it awkward for them.

But this show was there for me. I was enjoying it so much, and at this point i was probably blogging about it. The people I consider friends at my school definitely made fun of me for it (they still do) and while the the pizzeria wasn’t as bad, they did mock me a little (they still do). I finished up school, and finished up the first series, as well as the movie. I felt like i probably should have cried, but i didn’t.

I did not start on Sunshine immediately, and it took me until season 2 came out to finally watch it. at this point we had returned to our old house, and everything seemed relatively “normal” again. While watching Sunshine and starting on season 2, this is when i started thinking about the original series again. While rewatching the final μ’s song of the series/movie, as well as their final live, I began to realize how at my lowest point in my life so far, this show was there for me, to make me feel happy again. When I was too scared to talk about what was happening to me, I watched this show.

and that is when i finally cried saying goodbye to μ’s.

now that was really fucking gay, but why did I make this post? Well, as the end of Sunshine rears it’s ugly head, the facade of everything being “normal” again faded. They argued again tonight, and as stated earlier, they do not know how to argue, so this sounded like it was a borderline fight. I didn’t want to deal with it, so I called my grandma and told her to come get me. I’m now back at my grandma’s, and that is what drove me to make this post, rather than it being a bittersweet one year retrospective.

#i'm sorry if this post was pretty fucking gay don't make fun of me please

[blairxeim]

Letting Loose- And the Sun Went Out Fanfic, Etienne x (M) Protag

Okay so as promised here’s my first public fanfiction! This was actually written while I myself was drinking so if it veers off near the end I blame it on my own alcohol induced sleepiness! Anyways, here’s the ficlet. I loved the story And the Sun Went Out by the phone app Choices That Matter. I’ve been really excited to write this and I love Etienne so much. Sorry for the cringy French in there, I had trouble figuring out what Etti would call the Protag (who in game is genderless nd nameless.) Anyways I promised @stitched-yoongz​ I ws gonna post it so here it is and I’m already so em;barrased gosh.

It had been a week that Etienne and I had been ‘stuck’ in China watching over the scientists. Etienne was more in his zone than I was, surrounded by all this technical talk. I, on the other hand, was going stir crazy and was about to explode. I think after walking in on me pacing our room with Moti listing good mental health exercises for the fourth time, Etienne decided that I needed something to take my mind off of everything. So he found a lone bottle of liquor and some glasses, deciding we needed some shots.

I frowned, looking at the glasses as Moti chimed in. Teacher, alcohol has been shown to have multiple negative effects on your health such as kidney failure and dehydration.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine Moti.” Etienne laughed, “I’ll watch over him.”

Okay. I believe mister Etienne is trustworthy for taking care of teacher. Just not as much as me.

“Of course not Moti.” I smiled, trying not to laugh at the smug face flashing on my wrist. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Well,” Etienne grinned, “bottoms up then.”

It was a while later and a lot of drinks later. Etienne had stopped long before I had and now he was just listening to my drunken rambles. He was sitting on the floor, his elbow propped up on the low table with his chin resting on his palm. I was beside him, staring at the hazy glass half full in front of me. I couldn’t remember exactly what I had been talking about before, something to do with my family. Etienne seemed to love hearing about them and took the opportunity to ask me all about my family, but soon the talk reminded me of his father and I trailed off.

He noticed the souring look on my face. “What’s wrong? Are you gonna puke?”

“No.” It took me a moment but I felt the tears pricking the corner of my eyes. It wasn’t the first time I’d cried in front of someone, especially while I was drunk. “I can’t believe I let him die. I was right there. I should have done something.”

Etienne stiffened up next to me. It took him a good deal of time to talk before he simply stated, “it’s not your fault. Even if you hadn’t hired him, he would have been in the middle of it like all the other scientists around the world. The discovery was just too important and tempting for them, especially my father. If anything I should be the one feeling guilty.”

“No. No.” I started, raising my hand up as if to slam it on the table but forgetting it’s path partway through so it just seemed to hover in the air for a while. Catching my thoughts, I swirled around to face him, pointing so that the tip of my finger lightly pressed into the tip of his nose. “You tried to kill me.”

Etienne had a smirk on his face, amusement lighting his eyes. I felt annoyed he wasn’t taking my discovery seriously and told him so. “I never tried to kill you, I’m a pacifist remember mon chéri?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Don’t talk pretty to me, Etti! Your attempts at seduction won’t distract me. I’m a professional. You tried to kill me when I broke into your house.”

He let out a bark of laughter. “You admit breaking into my house then?”

I let my bottom lip stick out, staring up at my friend. My brows knit together. “I was doing my job. You tied me up after hitting my head with a hockey stick.”

“I- You broke into my house though? Right after my father was murdered, and your picture was published on the news!”

I threw myself onto him, knocking him over. I pinned down his arms as he stared wide eyed at me. “I don’t care. You never told me sorry.” I leaned closer to his face, trying to show him how serious I was and also to make his faces stop moving so much in my vision.

Something changed in his expression and he tried to hide a smirk. Since I was holding his arms he just beamed up at me. “Is this your revenge then?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Revenge?” I thought about it, then got up. Etienne was holding back laughter as I sat and debated if it was or not. I decided it wasn’t. “No. You want me to take revenge?”

He lifted a brow. “Depends. I won’t let you whack the back of my head.”

“Then you’ll let me tie you up?”

He let out a strange sound, his face turning red. “What? No...”

I crossed my arms. “Then I don’t know how I can feel better.”

He lifted up his arms in a sign of surrender, though his face was wary. “Just do or say whatever makes you feel better, but no violence. I’m a pacifist remember?”

I frowned. “What I want to do?” He nodded and I heard Moti chime in for the first time in a while.

Mister Etienne, I would like to recommend a different choice of words. Teacher can be unpredictable when drunk. Which is why I do not tend to approve of consumption unless someone trustworthy is near Teacher.

“Thanks Moti, but I think I can handle one intoxicated person.” I leaned in, throwing my arms around Etti’s neck. He laughed nervously, gripping my shoulders. “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m gonna do what I want then.” He opened his mouth to protest but I brought him closer, burying my nose into the crook of his neck. I heard him hiss as he sucked in a breath.

“I think I’m regretting getting you drunk.”

I warned you Mister Etienne...

“Moti whose side are you on?” I whined, my lips tingling against the warmth of his skin. “Etti said he wanted to be punished.”

Moti seemed to almost sigh. Mister Etienne I didn’t know you had ulterior motive in this.

“I don’t!” He cried out, laughing. “Please learn to read the situation Moti.”

Then Teacher has ulterior motives?

“Revenge!” I cried out, curling closer into Etienne.

“Jeez. Are you really just going to pass out on me? At least make it to the bed.”

“No.” I whined, knitting my brows together. “I get to do what I want right now.”

“Yes, yes.” Etienne chuckled, picking me up with a slight huff of breath and carrying me over to my bed. I let him set me down on my feet before he ordered me to sit. I did as he said all while complaining until he came back with a glass of water. “Drink.”

I laughed, bringing the glass to my lips but not taking a drink. “I already did, remember?”

The corner of his mouth twitched and his eyes shone with amusement. “Yes, but now you have to drink this. Okay?”

I let out an overdramatic sigh and drank most of the water. Etienne watched me the whole time, just staring at me. I let out another sigh. “You keep staring at me.”

“Am I?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Yes. You want some too?” I jerked the glass to draw attention to it. He flinched as water spilled onto the bed.

“Ah, wait, wait! You don’t want to get the bed wet!”

I stared at him and frowned. “I can’t sleep on my bed if I get it wet can I?”

He looked relieved, already reaching for the cup. “No, I wouldn’t want you to. So just give that here-”

As he was talking I looked him directly in the eyes and poured the rest of the water directly behind me on the middle of the bed. His mouth dropped open before his expression darkened though not necessarily in anger. “Oh. So it’s like that is it?”

I tried to swallow down the growing lump building in my throat. “I guess so.”

Without saying anything Etienne grabbed my waist and threw me over his shoulder. I let out a squeal and clung on for dear life, the room spinning slightly from my intoxication. “I’m sorry Etti. I’m so sorry. I won’t do it. I’m good. I forgive you. I don’t need revenge.”

He dropped me onto his bed, my body bouncing on impact slightly before I settled into his blankets that were identical to mine. “Oh that won’t do, Mon nounours.” I closed my eyes as he crawled on top of me. I pressed my body up when I felt his hot breath against my neck. “Just remember in the morning that you asked for this.” I bit my lip, opening my eyes to see my friend looking down at me with a smug expression.

I woke up with a horrible headache, feeling the pain in my whole skull. The groan that came out of my throat even hurt my head. I tried to get up, already asking Moti what time it was, but I couldn’t move. I tried again before opening my eyes against my better judgement. There in my face, what I thought had been the wall, was the chest of my friend. His arms wrapped around my shoulders tightly. I wiggled to try and slide out somehow, regretting it when I realized he had wrapped his legs around one of mine. Moti finally chimed up. I was able to navigate my wrist within eyesight. First thing I saw was a crying face.

Teacher! I warned you two this was not a good idea. Are you alright? You didn’t drink nearly enough water. You’re probably dehydrated! My readings show you are in pain right now and your heart rate has elevated significantly!

I tried to laugh but the hangover stopped me instantly. “I’m just hungover Moti, it happens when you drink too much.” I felt Etienne shift. I sighed, happy to be able to move again. Instead he took me with him, pressing me underneath his sleeping weight. “Ugh, Etienne! Jeez you’re heavy!” I sighed, smiling to myself despite it all. My heart was indeed racing now that I was more awake.

Suddenly there was a light knock on the door. Before I could protest, one of the scientists poked their head in. We stared at each other for a full minute in silence before he shut the door with one soft spoken, “my bad.”

My face burned as I started beating against Etienne’s chest. “Wake up, wake up damn it Etienne!”

It’s okay teacher. He granted you more time to sleep. I recommend you do so. You haven’t been sleeping well these past few weeks.

“No Moti.” I sighed, trying to calm down. “I need to talk to Etienne now.” Memories up until when I got on the bed with Etienne returned.

With a groan, Etienne opened one eye to look at me. “What’s up? Feel better now?” He pushed himself onto his elbows slowly, still waking up.

I bit my lip. “Hey did I... do anything weird?” He raised a brow and I felt my face heat up. “You know what I mean.”

He smirked. “Did you? I don’t know.” I narrowed my eyes. He chuckled. “I never knew you’d go to such lengths to sleep with me. I have to admit I’m flattered.”

I froze up. “Sleep with?” My heart was in my throat and I didn’t know if I felt more panic that I might have had sex with him or that I didn’t remember any of it if it had to happen anyways.

“Yes, you simply refused to sleep in your own bed. I had the hardest time not outright laughing at you.”

My mouth hung open before I tested my voice. “So we didn’t... I mean we never... we just... cuddled right?”

He pushed himself to his side. “Well, I don’t know about that.”

“What?!”

He winked at me. “That’s all I did but I probably have multiple marks on my neck from the ‘weird things’ that you did.” Sure enough I saw the tell-tell bruised skin from my kiss marks. I groaned before Etienne laughed. “Feel free to ask again if you need a drinking buddy.”

“I’m never drinking again.” I groaned, feeling shame pouring over my whole being.

“Well even if you aren’t drunk, my bed is always open for you.”

I looked up in shock. “What?”

“Best sleep I’ve had in awhile. Once you let me go to sleep. Oh look, it’s time for lunch. Someone might be looking for us by now. Let’s go eat, okay?” And with that he went out the door, leaving me open mouthed in shock.

Teacher?

“Yes Moti?”

Does this mean Mister Etienne also likes you?

“Also?” I gasped, staring at the small face on the screen. “I don’t know Moti. Let’s drop it and go get food, okay?”

I don’t eat Teacher. Moti chirped happily. Will you describe the food to me again?

I sighed in relief. “I alway do Moti.”

I know and I love you for it Teacher!

Chuckling, I changed before heading out the door. “I love you too, Moti.” Does Etienne like you too? I felt a slight blush creep on my face. “Moti I almost hope you’re as perceptive as you appear.”

Moti looked annoyed. I’ve very perceptive Teacher. There’s nothing wrong with my current processes that would hinder my judgement. I am fully up to date as well.

I shook my head, “of course Moti.” I took a deep breath. “Well here’s for forgetting that happened.”

I don’t forget anything Teacher!

I sighed, “thanks Moti.” Still, I couldn’t help the smile that slid onto my face when I saw Etienne sitting with two plates of food near the entrance so I would see him. I also noted how relieved I was to see a similar grin on his face. I could deal with hungry and nervous, but not regretful and awkward. I was more than happy to sit next to my friend as he teased me over our brunch about my earlier behavior as long as it meant this didn’t put a barrier between us. In fact, Etienne seemed more relaxed than normal. It was a comfortable morning indeed.

#Etienne Sole #and the sun went out #Choices that Matter #Fanfiction #blairxeim #my writing #crack writing #oh god here you go #fluffy kind of right? #Oh man I'm so nervous #here world take my trash #you're welcome I guess

[evilback-wards]

Day 1( don't. Read it's crap)

Heart Shaped Box prompt for Chemical Warfare Babies

… . .

…

.

Bing.

Surrounding Colline were suits. Large suits that had their cuffs tucked in. And the suits and Colline were in a carbon copy of the Oval Office: the assumed pinnacle of governmental grout.  Whispers were beginning to become full on conversations, mixing joy and hatred to copulate bureaucracy. The room was made with the construction of the original Oval Office in mind: wooden furnishings with uncomfortable couches, yellow curtains, flags from the galaxys’ visiting for todays discussion, old paintings from Earth, and, per the tradition of the planet, vibrate velvet blue fur to keep temperatures warm.

“You know, these humans didn’t know shit. They just existed. It’s kind of adorable,” says a suit, blue one—cuffs hidden by the darkness naturally exuded by their species. Blue dark suit darkness speaks to flapper imitator. The flapper imitator has the roaring 20’s down to the overabundance of happiness before a terrible downfall.

“So much can be learned from them! I’m excited for the fanfare that’s promised for today. Planet 00242192 always has the best shows,” flapper imitator said, fanning itself with some nearby wind. Ah—Colline was just about done dolling herself up for the show. Colline was a suit but also rare personnel that practiced the Earth culture seriously.

There was no light speed fast enough, quick enough, hurried enough to get the Earth stockholders into a room quicker than today. There was an e-mail that was pushed out that stressed the importance of everyone answering her communication. And the stockholders knew not to fudge their chance to speak to their cash cow—and came dressed for the occasion.

Besides flapper imitator, darkness creator, logic deeper, power steeper, gravel keeper, and naval peeker went more for tropes for their manifestations. Ones physical manifestations can leave a lot to be desired if chosen incorrectly on a planet. Colline was a tough customer—judging critically based on ones physical manifestations. It could be assumed that Colline would buy your stock just for matching the wrong century of sock with hair piece.

There was a long allotment for sound in English chatter, allowing the awkward language to leave from whatever orifice the creature utilized for speaking.  Colline stayed silent. Colline was listening for the truth, whatever that may be.

But, once Colline started tapping on the large light box, which triggered the lighting in the room to be lowered completely, people hushed themselves. It was now time for the show.

Dear Diary:

I had sex with a lot of people today. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. But people forgive pretty easily, right? People will pass you on the street and forgive you for uglying the landscape? People will nod to you even when they are disgusting by the stench of your existence? Remember, if someone holds their nose against their clothing, you’re repulsive. You need to leave them right away. Humans have a tendency of keeping things too nice. Don’t be that way. If you hate someone let them know right away. So the proper fighting can happen. I’ve been dragged along the concrete too long with so many of my clients. They claim I’m ‘love at first sight’ when it’s really ‘cum at first sight’.

Not to knock my knack of doing things to sexually stimulate the creatures, but it gets tiring. Suck Suck. Fuck Fuck. It becomes natural. I am natural. So, I guess I talked myself out of feeling guilty for being an escort—yay! Now I can move on to write more interesting things.

My latest conquest is of someone at my same level. His name is CJ(god knows what that stands for) Byrant. He enjoys escorts as much as anyone. He runs through about fifty every seven days(a week!) and pays each of them handsomely to keep their mouths shut. I heard the last escort that tried to make a scandal happened became the next murder mystery scandal. Ah—I love me a good scandal! That person is dead because they spoke improperly. This person is tortured for being too honest. I love scandals! They are the hole to human virtue.

This is getting rambly, but since it’s MY DIARY, I can be rambly. Hm. New conquest: CJ Byrant likes his escorts like he likes his government: easy to leave in the late afternoon and hard to come in during the mornings. Get it? Yeah—a gay joke I think that was. But that’s just not any type of gay joke—it’s a funny one! I hope. Is my existence making you want to kill yourself yet? If so, I apologize, if not, what is wrong with you? I am extremely cringy and filled with too much hope. The best I have to aspire for is waking up with fresh egg whites on my tits. Maybe there’s a druggie cig hanging from my lower lip that CJ takes drags out of sometimes. I hope I’m good enough to be a night escort. Those are the best—the people make you breakfast usually and ask if that’s how humans would do it. The best thing about humans is that you just don’t know what they would do—they’re born with their own will and predetermined set of ignorance. It’s so cute!

Anyway, I am struggling right now. CJ Byrant is a tough cookie. I’ve been making sure my ass is in the perfect view of his eyesight. But he just clears his throat or insists that “he’ll get that”. What type of government official does he think he is? That’s really silly, you know, to have this façade of being such a respectful man only to turn out to be the kind of guy that needs to cum twice in your eyes and scrub your face into the concrete and call you his long lost rapist. Whoops. Secrets are being let out tonight. I apologize.

CJ Byrant thinks me being an Earth-informed person makes it okay. It makes him okay to treat me like a human male but—hold it—he doesn’t reap the benefits of having such an Earth-human-whore to push around. I could be his little blow doll. My mouth is already open way too often. That’s why I pay men to close it with their intimates. Or sometimes with an object or five if they’re feeling excitable that day.

I love being this whore life has made me to be. It’s easy, easy money, easy way of living. I just can’t think too hard or I’ll burst into tears. Ahh!—Thinking should hurt me! I wish each time I had a critical thought someone hit me upside the head with a brick. I shouldn’t be allowed to think—no, never—thinking is bad. These guys, when they look for escorts, look for the dumbest and best manifested. I need to retain my own view of my life as much as possible. I can’t let CJ treat me like the garden tool I am. Now I’m making puns—I must be reaching critical mass of funnies.

Ahh, it’s been nice writing this, but around now, I need to make a bad decision. Just like the cycle of abuse, a clock, a never-ending cycle of wander and blunders, I must do something completely terrible. Because that’s how Earth-human-whores act. And I love being an Earth-human-whore.

 The lights come back. The suits are struggling to retain a boisterous laughter. The suits flicker into manifestations of humans, a nice spread between the centuries. Colline smiles as she raises her digital grey camera.

“God, that was hoot! The girl is so brain-dead she can’t even keep secrets out of her diary! It’s like her vagina wrote the entire thing,” Flapper imitator says, with her lips out. Smoke drags itself past her lips and into the Oval Offices’ space. Other creatures struggle to retain their laughter and comments. Colline remains silent, snapping pictures of everyone at their moments of happiness, dressed down in their humanoid dresses. Their barcodes showing—oh sweet barcodes! These are important. I’ll explain why they’re important.

 Barcodes are assigned to every creature created on the planet known as 00242192. The English pronunciation of the numerical expression is often shortened as Capital Pra. Pra is a weird name, isn’t it, for this shit to be occurring on? With blue velvet carpet to be in a Oval Office to keep up temperature—because—humans are too stupid to find out how to work machines to heat them better.

Barcodes, okay, back to the point. Barcodes are assigned to anyone born on this planet as a discreet and personal number. Buuuut. Because anything created is sentient and has their own free will, and to keep privacy up, the placements of the barcode is random. Sometimes you’re lucky and its on your left ass check if you ever manifest an ass cheek. Issue one: Sometimes you’ll manifest and manifest and you can’t find the barcode of yours for the life of you. Issue two: If you don’t know what the fuck your barcode is, well, you’re screwed.  Your mark as a Triple O’ 9 and told to fuck off into the darkness. You’re labeled as uncooperative in this nook of the galaxy or universe or whatever you wanna see this place as.

Barcodes are an arrangements of lines from 5 cm to 5 inches that can be as short as 2 and as long as fifty on ones body. What—why are people born with these—the best answer I can give you is that that’s just how the machine works. And no one knows why. Maybe no one wants to know why. But anyway.

Barcodes are used to keep track of the population and employment of people born on Pra. And, to be more culturally sensitive, what percentage of people follow what culture. As a new born jelly mass, you don’t know anything. You don’t even know that your jelly form is offensive as you’re basically just a naked new born baby without culture! SO, let’s review:

1.Born as a jelly with a barcode

2. Get culture

3. ???

4. You live until you die under your cultures conditions

Sounds simple, but people like to make it complicated as shit. Like, who the hell even wants to stick to one culture? Who would want to? Even subcultures of your culture get boring. So many people just up and switch cultures when it gets close to their time. Some beings born with 3 barcodes still exist because they’re “lifers” for culture.

#nanowrimo #day 1 #its shit i know #but made word count

[lanadelreyfiles-blog]

California Dreaming ‘Not all my romantic relationships were bad, but some of them challenged me in a way that I didn't want to be challenged, and I am happy I don't have to do that now.’ Lana Del Rey. Does Lana Del Rey really live right inside the middle of the 'H' of the Hollywood sign and spend most of her nights perched high above the chaos that swirls within the city of angels below, as the teaser for her new album, Lust For Life, suggests? Or does she rent a house in LA's Santa Monica or Silver Lake or someplace else she's not about to divulge, in case, having taken a cryptic February tweet of hers literally, a posse of her 6.3 million well-meaning Twitter followers showup on her doorstep with the ‘magic ingredients’ to cast spells on President Trump? Does she really only dip her toes into ‘the muck and the mires of the city every now and then’, as she says in the album's trailer? Or does she ‘go out quite a lot actually’, as she tells me when we meet, and spend her nights having fun with a tight crew of mainly musician mates, dancing at house parties, going to gigs and occasionally wrestling the microphone from her male friends to sing Hotel California in karaoke bars? In this post-truth world, it feels pedantic to care too much either way.

The 'real' Lana Del Rey is a 31-year-old woman called Elizabeth Woolridge Grant, born in Lake Placid, New York. She's close to her younger sister - Chuck, a photographer - but less so to her parents, Patricia and Robert, and her little brother, Charlie. They're a family of individual she tells me: ‘It was natural that we all went down our own separate paths, and we've all stayed there.’ We are sitting next to each other on a sofa in the Los Angeles recording studio where she has been creating her most musically accomplished work yet - the aforementioned album, Lust For Life, is destined to be the sound of this summer. Lana is fully present, smart, funny, engaging and refreshingly able to laugh at herself. She wears jeans and a vintage shirt, and she talks softly but with a compelling certainty. I like her all the more for the fact that no amount of everydayness negates the magic she exudes as a performer. To her fans, Lana exists in flickering Super 8; the Manic Pixie Dream Girl who comes with no baggage or bad days, but is here only for you in a Valencia-filtered fantasy. She's an idea of a woman who didn't grow up anywhere, but emerged fully formed from the elevator at the Chateau Marmont Hotel. She's a montage of Americana, finished with a flick of black eyeliner. Both the reality and the fantasy of Lana Del Rey make up a fully formed, albeit exceptional, human being. But, as Lana tells me, inhabiting these two worlds hasn't always been easy: ‘I know that if I had more of a persona then [when she released her breakthrough hit, Video Games, on the internet in 2011] I have less of one now. I think it comes down to getting a little older. Maybe I needed a stronger look or something to lean on [back then]. But it wouldn't really be hard for me today to play a mega-show in jeans without rehearsing and still feel like I was coming from the right place.’ I suggest that the scrutiny Lana was put under by the media for having a melancholic persona was unfair. Everyone, to some degree, presents a different side of themselves at work, right? Plus, she's hardly the first artist to change her name or cultivate a distinctive stage look. Yet, countless conspiracy theories called into question her appearance, talent, and family background around the time her second album, Born To Die, was released in 2012 but Lana is remarkably understanding. ‘Looking back now, I get a little more of what they're saying. When I was in the mix of a lot of reviews and critiques, I was kind of like, “What? I do my hair and my make-up just like everyone else for my pictures and my show, and yes my songs are melancholic, but so are whoever else's.” So to see a couple of other female artists not get criticised made me think, “What is it about me?”’ In hindsight, she says, she understands what the criticism and intrigue over her authenticity as an artist was about: ‘I think it comes down to energy, I really do. It wasn't overtly saying “I'm unhappy” or “I'm struggling” in my music, but I think maybe people did catch that and they were saying, "If you're going to put music like that out there, you better fessup to it.” But I don't think I really knew how felt. Then when things got a little bigger with the music I was still figuring out what was important to me.’ I get the sense that she's done a lot off figuring out in the past few years, like many of us now in our early thirties probably have done too. The difference with Lana, of course, is that all her experimentation, mistakes and regrets were fodder for public consumption. I mention that sinking feeling I get when I stumble across an old diary or a Facebook post that feels like it was from a totally different place to where I am now. I ask if she can relate. ‘That applies to me,’ she says. 'I have cringy moments. Certain things I have said and songs I have done, but mostly the ones that were leaked... I mean, they're not my finest.’ She's talking about her computer being hacked in 2010, when hundreds of unfinished songs were released online, without her permission. It was a horrible invasion of her privacy, and it leads on to a discussion about vulnerability though interestingly, it's not a word she says she has ever applied to herself. I ask her what performing on stage takes from her emotionally and what she gains from it, her amphitheatre shows usually hold up to 24,000 people at capacity. She fixes me with a not-at-all vulnerable look and says, ‘Well, it depends on the day. If I'm having a good day, it still takes a lot, but so much of it is physical. I try to take strength and sing from my core, so I have to actually feel good and get a lot of sleep. Of course, it also helps if my personal life is even; when you're on stage for an hour and 40 minutes, you think while you're singing. I don't like my in-between thoughts to be restless, or worrisome, so I can focus on the crowd.’ After a show, she feels reflective and needs time to process it. ‘It's not like you do it and it didn't happen; it's a real experience. I know rock bands who say they fucking love it - that they would [perform] every night and wouldn't do anything else. I don't know if it's as emotional an experience for them [as it is for me]’ Back to that need to feel good and have an 'even' personal life, Lana has lived in both New York and London, but says Los Angeles is starting to feel like home, and that's a big part of what's making her happy right now: ‘I'm growing my roots and meeting a lot of other friends, so I feel a little more settled.’ In her downtime, she loves swimming in the ocean: ‘I have a friend called Ron who likes to swim with me. So every now and then, we find an empty beach, jump in and swim the length of the coast, from one side of the cove to the other.’ Hey friends are her family, says Lana and that's why she can't accept anything less than total honesty and trust from them: ‘The fact that l know that now everything a lot clearer. What's interesting is how unsafe we [could] feel among each other [if we weren't] able to express how we really feel. It's hard knowing that if you tell someone exactly how you feel, like if you're happy or unhappy, that could be the end of the relationship because they don't feel the same way.’ We speak about the crews you pick up through your life and agree that, in your thirties, you are much better at surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good. ‘When you're in your twenties, you let this cast of characters [into your life], especially if you're in the arts,' she says. ‘It didn't matter what they stood for or what they thought was important. But as the years went on, there were things that I saw in people that I didn't like.’ Lana is enjoying being part of a music scene in LA where her friends include photographer Emma Tillman (also the wife of singer-songwriter Father John Misty), Zach Dawes, who has played bass with the British super-group The Last Shadow Puppets, and musicians Jonathan Wilson and Cam Avery. They play music together, which is not something she's done with friends before. The first time she had dinner with the wholegang, she thought: 'Wow, this is great.’ She tells me: ‘Feeling part of something is definitely a nice feeling.’ The downside to rolling with a crew of fellow musicians is that karaoke becomes a competitive sport: ‘If I am with the guys, they're always on the microphone and sometimes it's hard to grab it from them. Everyone pretends that it doesn't matter, but you can tell there are moments in the choruses when people are really singing.’ We laugh and I feel pleased that I'm meeting Lana at a time in her life when, as she puts it: ‘All the tough things that I have been through - that I've drawn upon [in my work] - don't exist for me any more. Not all my romantic relationships were bad, but some of them challenged me in a way that I didn't want to be challenged, and I am happy I don't have to do that now.’ I don't mean to rain on her parade, but I ask whether she feels that when she admits she's happy that something bad might be just around the corner? ‘Yes, sometimes. I have a little bit of that feel that it's a human thing to be superstitious. Sometimes I say to my friends, “I don't want to jinx it.” Or if l'm on the phone I'm like, “I'm so excited about this”, and then waiting for that phone call the next day... but there's no such thing as jinxing it. Just let go.’ The key to happiness, she says, is to ask yourself what will make you happy: ‘I try not to do anything that won't [make me happy], even if it's a show in a place that doesn't suit me. It's so simple; I always used to ask myself that, but never listened [to the answer] because I knew I was probably going to do it anyway. If someone really needed me to do something, I would probably be like, “OK!"’ I wonder if we put too much emphasis on being happy and that in itself causes stress and anxiety, but Lana passionately disagrees: ‘No! I think happiness is the ultimate life goal. I think it's the only thing that's important. There are no mechanisms in place for routes to happiness, that's the whole fucking problem. I think people are unhappy in school - the education structure has been the same for a long time and kids are still not satisfied all over the world with their educational experience. And you don't have enough conversations when you're young about what makes for a satisfying mutual relationship. Those collective life experiences - your youth, your academic education and your education about business, marriage or relationship goals - they all lead up to happiness. I think the emphasis is on the wrong things, and it has been for a long time.’ Lana tells me she's more socially engaged than ever; her fifth and latest album is a mix of personal introspection and outward-looking anthems, such as God Bless America, in which she sings: ‘God bless America and all the beautiful women in it.’ She says that, with this record, she was striving for a feeling that we're all in this together: ‘I think it would be weird to be making a record during the past 18 months and not comment on how [the political landscape] was making me or the people I know feel, which is not good. It would be really difficult if my views didn't line up with a lot of what people were saying.’ We discuss being constantly bombarded with news and other people's views in our hyper-connected world, and I ask how she reconciles her personal wellbeing with the collective feeling that we are all going to hell in a handcart. ‘I think it's a balance, I really do. You are so fortunate if you have good health and high energy because it takes a lot to be a responsible human. Responsible to yourself, responsible to others, and to know when not to get too deep into the wormhole of news, but still be politically in-the-know and not be disconnected. In my life, it's like walking on a tightrope. I read the news, but I won't read it before bed; I won't read it when I get up and won't read it between my recording sessions. I have windows of time where I check in and catch up with everyone, but I keep my sacred things sacred.’ And as for her paean to America's women? "I wrote God Bless America before the Women's Marches sprung up, but I could tell they were going to happen. As soon as the election was over, I knew that was going happen. People were way more vocal and more active on social media and in real life, so I realised a lot of women were saying out loud that they needed support and they were nervous about some of the bills that might get passed that would directly affect them. So yes, it's a direct response in anticipation of what I thought would happen, and what did happen.’ Predicting the Women's Marches must have taken a seriously smart, social instinct, or some kind of sorcery straight from one of her otherworldly Lust For Life trailers. Whatever you think, you can't deny that the pulse of the zeitgeist beats throughout Lana's new album, from her pop collaboration with The Weeknd on the title track to the moody duet with John Lennon's son, Sean,and my personal favourite, Yosemite, a beautiful song about the way relationships change over time. After she plays me this track in the very room in which it was recorded, I can't help but ask what Lana is like as a girlfriend. ‘I'm amazing. I'm the best,’ she jokes, before clarifying, ‘I actually am the best girlfriend because I only get into a relationship if I'm really excited about it. I'm unconditionally understanding, very loving and like to be with that person for a lot of the time.’ After hearing Yosemite's refrain that she's no longer ‘a candle in the wind’, which to mean she's found a steadier light in her life, I wonder whether what she looks for in a relationship has also changed? ‘For me, the dream is to have a little bit of the edge, the sexiness, the magnetism, the camaraderie, be on the same page and all that stuff, but without the fallout that comes from a person who is really selfish and puts only their needs first, which is like a lot of frontmen if we're talking about musicians!’ (Lana has previously dated Barrie-James O'Neill, the Scottish lead singer of alt-rock band Kassidy.) ‘I'm going to write a book one day called, “The curse of the frontman and why you should always date the bassist."’ Lana smiles, takes a sip of her iced coffee, and says: ‘I guess have a little bit of a fantasy that really great relationships, friendships, and romances can stand the test of time. Even though each person in the relationship or the group changes, they don't change in ways that would make the relationship come to an end. The chorus [of Yosemite] is about doing things for fun, for free, and doing them for the right reasons. It's about having artistic integrity; not doing things because you think they would be big, but because the message is something that's important. And then, it's about just being with someone because you really can't see not having them in your life,not because it would be 'beneficial' to you to be in their company. It's that concept of just being in a relationship for 100% the right reasons. Being a good person, basically.’ Lana Del Rey is mercurial - just when you think you've got her she slips through your fingers like quicksilver - but in that hot second, I think I see her clearly: an artist who is rising from the ambiguity of youth and emerging into a woman with an authentic vision for her life and her art. Yes, that might one day fade like the barely there ‘Chateau Marmont' tattoo on her left wrist, but right now her power is in sharp, unfiltered focus. Lana Del Rey's fifth studio album, Lust For Life, is out soon.

#Lana Del Rey #Lotte Jeffs #ELLE #ELLE UK #Magazine #Interview #Editorial #2017 #May 2017 #Lust For Life

[too-many-loose-ends]

All the questions 😘 (even tho you didn't ask me mine 😒😜)

Is a kiss considered cheating?YesHave you ever faked orgasm?NopeIf you could have one superpower, what would it be?The ability to flyDo you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?Probably notTell us some funny drunk story.I've never drank so I have noneWhy are you no longer together with your ex?She cheated on meIf you had to choose one way to die, what would it be?Guillotine (I think I spelled that right)What are your current goals?Get a good enough job that I can provide for a bunch of pets and buy a bunch of lingerie for SarahDo you like someone?YesWho was the last person to disappoint you?Me lmaoDo you like your body?YesCan you keep a diet?NopeIf the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?We should just get rid of privatized medicine and Donald Trump, and republicans in generalDo you work?Yes at a hardware store unfortunatelyIf you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?PizzaWould you get a tattoo?Hell yes Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?SarahCan you drive?YesWhen was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?A few weeks agoWhat was the last thing you cried for?I wouldn't really call it arguing but the other night when Sarah and I sort of had a disagreement idk what else to call itDo you keep a journal?Other than this blog noIs life fun?Sometimes Is farting in front of people irrelevant?When other people do it yes, but if it's me it's embarrassing lolWhat’s your dream car?One that works wellAre grades in school important?In the grand scheme of things noDescribe your crush.She's short with red hair and beautiful hazel/green eyes and she really likes pop punk and metal and drawing and her favorite color is yellow and she has the cutest sleepy voice and I love her a lotWhat was the last book/movie that really impressed you?The new power rangers movieWhat was your last lie?When I told a customer to have a good dayDumbest lie you ever told? Anything nice I've ever told a customerIs crying in front of people embarrassing?It shouldn't be but it is for meSomething you did and you are proud of?Got into a D1 track teamWhat’s your favourite cocktail?I don't drink lolSomething you are good at?Hurdling Do you like small kids?Not at allHow are you feeling right now?HungryWhat would you name your daughter/son?Idk bc I don't plan on having anyWhat do you need to be happy?Sarah, all the food I want, and access to a gymIs there some you want to punch in the face right now?Lmao yesWhat was the last gift you received?A record from Sarah What was the last gift you gave?I'm not sure lolWhat was the last concert you went to?Warped TourFavourite place to shop at?Hot topicWho inspires you?Sarah How old were you when you first got drunk?Never been drunkHow old were you when you first got high?Never been highHow old were you when you first had sex?18When was your first kiss?I was 14Something you want to do until the end of this year?Get good grades, I've done that for the spring semester and my summer class so I gotta keep it goingIs there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?Not really because it's all lead me to being where I am rnPost a selfie.Give me a secWho are you most comfortable around?SarahName one thing that terrifies you.Becoming my parents What kind of books do you read?I don't really read but I wish I did What would you tell your 12 year old self?Stop being so cringy and do something with your hair lolWhat is your favourite flower?I don't really have oneAny bad habits you have?When I get too anxious I bite myselfWhat kind of people are you attracted to?The person who asked me thisWhat was the last thing you cried for?The power rangers movie lolIs there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?Sushi but I really wish I liked it tbhAre you in love?YesSomething you find romantic?Idk lmao How long was your longest relationship? This one and it's been a year and almost 10 monthsWhat are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?"No homo," ridiculously low societal standards for boys, mansplainingWhat are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?Idk girls are the best lolWhat are you saving money for?School and concertsHow would you describe your bad side?Jealous, insecure, distrusting, angry, etc. Are you actually a good person? Why?Idk probably not lolWhat are you living for?HappinessHave you ever done anything illegal?I spit off a tall building in Ohio so yesDo you like your body?Yes I doHave you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?YeahEver sent nudes?YesHave you ever cheated on someone?NopeFavourite candy?Probably Twix Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!Yes but lately I've kinda been slacking lol and it's starry-eyes-and-blissful-nightsDo you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?No but Legend of Zelda: Breath of the WildFavourite TV series?Rick and MortyAre you religious? Does God exist?No and noWhat was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?A Clockwork Orange, and yes bc it was a good story idk lolWhat do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?Don't be a dick about it or I'll be a dick about eating meatHow long have you been on Tumblr?About 6 years now lolDo you like Chineese food?I like some stuff McDonalds or Subway?McDonalds but they're both trash lolVodka or whiskey?NeitherAlcohol or drugs?NeitherEver been out of your province/state/country?YesMeaning behind your blog name?It's kinda from the Real Friends song Loose EndsWhat are you scared of?Big spiders, like if it's a spider that lives in a rainforest or a desert it can fuck off lolLast time you were insulted?Earlier today but tbf me and my brother talk shit all the time lolMost traumatic experience?Finding out I'd been cheated on Perfect date idea?Pizza and then going back to one of our houses to watch movies and cuddleFavourite app on your phone?Tumblr lolWhat colour are the walls in your room?Dark greenDo you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?Yes, either Jacksfims or Adam "Plumpy" Blampied from WhatCultureShare your favourite quote."If I make sound, it better be loud." It's from Rock is Dead by BeartoothWhat is the meaning of life?To give life meaningDo you like horror movies?YesHave you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Yeah but it happened years ago so I don't remember and she probably doesn't either Do you feel lucky or special in a way?I'm dating Sarah so obviously lmaoCan you keep a secret?Yes I can

[a-sims-garden]

100 Questions To Invade My Personal Life

I saw @simsstuffmarie​ do this yesterday and thought I’d give it a go.

If you want to read it all good luck, if you can’t be bothered I don’t blame you, it’s quite long :D

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it? Elizabeth, it’s alright, it’s quite common.

2. Are you artistic? Not really, I used to be good at drawing when I was yonger.

3. Have you had your first kiss? I had my first kiss when I was 12 :P

4. What is your life goal? To have a secure job I love and maybe a couple of kids

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person? I saw Warrick Davis at a convention once.

6. Do you play any sports? I used to play badminton at school but I don’t really do anything now.

7. What’s your worst fear? Being stuck in a tight space for ages - like being buried alive.

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration? Anyone who has motivation to do what they love.

9. Do you have any cool talents?

I can do a good Butterfree impression?

10. Are you a morning person? No way.

11. How do you feel about pet names? They can be cute, I find them a bit cringy to use myself. My boyfriend and I just call each other ‘love’. 12. Do you like to read? Alllllllllll the time. 13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. Yuri!!!!! on Ice - I’ve never felt so strongly for two main characters my entire life.

Friends - I don’t know what I’d do without it, it’s a comfort for me whenever I re-watch it.

14. Do you care about your follower count?

Not really, I’m amazed even 1 person followed me (*´∀`*) I appreciate every single one though.

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

I’ve had a few where I’ve been able to fly, those where pretty fun.

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

Only when I was younger as a dare. I wish I had been more explorative when I was younger though since I think I’m most definitely bi now.

17. Do you have any pets?

Two cats.

18. Are you religious?

Not really. I like to think believing in reincarnation would be pretty cool though.

19. Are you a people person?

Only if they’re the kind of people I know how to get along with.

20. Are you considered popular?

Probably not but I don’t really care, I’ve got my group of close friends and that’s all I need.

21. What is one of your bad habits?

Being a bit selfish sometimes.

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable

Thinking about how we’re all just little ants on this planet absorbed on our own little worlds and none of us are special.

23. What would you name your children?

I like Pheobe for a girl and Ethan for a boy. If in the very unlikely chance that I have twin boys I am 100% calling them Theo and Leo xD

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

Scarlett Johansson can come and steal me away any day <3

25. What’s your best subject?

Animal Behaviour (what I studied at uni)

26. Dogs or cats?

Catssssss

27. Most-used social media besides Tumblr?

Probably a tie between Facebook and Twitter

28. Best friends name

Josh

29. Who does your main family consist of?

My mum and my sister

30. Chocolate or sugar

Aren’t they the same thing?? But always chocolate!!

31. Have you ever been on a date?

Lots

32. Do you like rollercoasters?

Love them!!

33. Can you swim?

Yup, I love swimming

34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse?

Somehow try to meet up with my boyfriend and best friends, get our families and hide out at a big school or something.

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

Bits of depression and anxiety, getting better now that I’ve finished uni!

36. Are your parents together?

Divorced 4 years ago.

37. What’s your favourite colour?

Greeeeeen

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

England, used to live in Wales for uni.

39. Favourite singer?

Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

No, wouldn’t want to be.

41. Do you like dresses?

Sometimes, only for formal occasions.

42. Favourite song right now?

Believer by Imagine Dragons

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nope

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

It was the morning of my 14th birthday... great present!

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

Only bb guns.

46. Have you ever done yoga?

No.

47. Are you a horror girl?

Only the Stephen King kind.

48. Are you good at giving advice?

Not really

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

At preschool we would do the nativity play every year and one year I was an angel and got really nervous and wet myself... on stage xD

50. How are you doing today?

I’m alright, could be better, could be worse. (Halfway through these, woooo)

51. Were you a cute kid?

I was pretty cute. I had the chubbiest cheeks :D

52. Can you dance?

I used to do modern/jazz dance after school.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

Loving to read?

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

Only highlights

55. What colour are your eyes?

Green

56. What’s your favourite animal?

Owls ( ◎▼◎ )

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

Plenty of times...

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Definitely with my Mum, not so much with my Dad since he moved out but getting closer since he had my little brother.

59. Do you have good friends?

They’re the bestest.

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

Not that I know of

61. What’s your favourite class?

Used to be Biology

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

Handmaiden’s tale and Friends

63. Are you organised?

Sometimes I get bursts of being organised but most of the time as long as I know where it is, that’s enough for me!

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

Wonder Woman was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

If I had to pick one, Pheobe from Friends although I’m sure there are lots of differences.

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Time and space... just kidding :P probably money.

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

Looking after all the beautiful reptiles and birds I would buy...

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

I’d probably be less scared to try new things

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

Nothing, I’ve long stopped caring what other people think

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

I’d spend less of my middle school years being sad and depressed because I had no friends, and I’d make my parents get the internet way earlier then when I was 17...

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

To save from death? 100%

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

When me and my friends when camping last summer

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My cats

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

I looked for jobs at local zoos and sanctuaries, applied for a couple the other day (fingers crossed!)

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

A zoo keeper

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

My social life and relaxing time, otherwise I’d be volunteering/working 24/7

79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

I can think of loads of examples...

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Get a job and move back in with my boyfriend and get a cat and maybe get engaged

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

Tiring but productive xD

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

Playing the Sims lol

And probably reading every book that ever existed.

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

I’d pay for my mum to live in a nice house and take us all on holiday. Then I’d get a nice house for me and my bf and all of our pets that I’d buy.

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

I’d love to go to the past and see how we evolved and how dinosaurs lived.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

My bf and my mum

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

Whenever I have a nightmare about zombies and faceless things...

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

Definitely the woods, cities are way too suffocating.

88. Do you believe in life after death

My science brain says no, but my imagination says maybe?

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

My middle school science teacher who taught me how fun science is.

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Our family holiday to Disney Land, Florida.

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

Charles Darwin, I’d let him know how successful his work became.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

Not many things could make me cry of joy. My bf proposing to me might do it though xD

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

Everyone has the capacity for good and evil.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

You get a funeral...

95. What would you do if you could be invisible?

Pull pranks on people

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

Be taller

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

No, although there are so many women in my family I will probably have only girls...

98. How did your first crush develop?

Poorly

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Embarrassment

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

I try to live as best I can.

So there you go! Congrats if you made it to the end! I won’t tag anyone, just give it a go if ya wanna :)

#about me