#You don't have to like someone or what they write to show modicum of kindness. If it's not to your liking just click the back button.

[separatist-apologist]

You know what?

I am SO TIRED of being told I have to be nice to people who come into my askbox and take shots at me. When I got on this stupid website literally TWO WEEKS ago and B E G G E D people to be understanding because I was drowning under pressure and I needed to take a step back so I could remain in the fandom and ya'll liked it and said, "of course- take care of you!" without mentioning the addendum "unless it's the thing I enjoy reading".

So it's okay for people to come into my askbox on anon and tell me I'm a shitty person for not engaging with them the way they want to- to send MULTIPLE anons about it.

To come into my askbox and take shots at my perceived religion, a fact I've never shared widely on this app, and demand to know if I wasn't updating because of my "high holidays" which. Ok.

To log out of their profile not even 24 hours later and leave a rude comment on that same fic demanding I update.

And then to have people I consider friends VAGUE me (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?) about how I need to be nicer to people who you ADMIT were entitled and RUDE. Because fundamentally a lot of ya'll do not see me as a person who should be allowed to feel anything but gratitude.

I didn't do anything. I didn't chase someone off- people own their own actions. I have spent enough time being kind to this fandom that frankly, just does not deserve the constant benefit of the doubt. People have routinely stolen my stories often word for word and I've told my friends to keep from putting them on blast and worked it out privately or just swallowed the frustration. I've deleted and blocked COUNTLESS anons, more than you can EVER count, and still they return, lessons unlearned. I've been the subject of the dumbest harassment from people I didn't know even existed.

I'm just trying to have a modicum of fun. I am just begging people to offer me the smallest amount of grace as I am SCREAMING that I!!! AM!!! STRUGGLING!!!!!

To show up- as someone I considered a friend, and write a post that I needed to do better in the face of what was objectively both shitty AND unfair, is just a wild take. You could have messaged me privately. ANY OF YOU COULD HAVE, including the original person looking for an update and this was the route you all chose instead.

Why don't you guys, for once, take some responsibility for your own actions? And leave me the fuck alone.

#jesus fucking christ

[zykamiliah]

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think SJ would have ever been happy as a Peak Lord. The only reason he took the job was because of YQY and he thought he’d be able to protect himself better as someone of high status. He never had the right kind of mind or attitude for teaching and never had the social skills to get along with his peers. He’d have been much happier as a wandering cultivator but that wasn’t where YQY was so even then he’d have never been fully satisfied.

oh my god sorry for the late reply

i also think that sj got attached to having status and power because he knows that powerful people can get away with anything, since he knows what that's like thanks to Qiu Jianluo. He definitely didn't want to be on the receiving end of all that power and influence. I think that, even if he wasn't a good teacher, if he had able to deal with his inner demons (literally and metaphorically) he wouldn't have had so much trouble living in CQM. But he hated men to the point of being unable to sleep next to his peers, and when he became a peak lord he turned paranoid, thinking people wanted to undermine him and usurp his place, was envious of anyone with more potential or power than him. and like, not all of that was yqy's "fault", since we see in the qijiu extra's opening scene what he was like as a 12 years old. i love the parallels between qijiu as kids and qijiu as peak lords because the latter is basically a reenactment of their childhood dynamics: sj fighting with others, yqy the protector who always tried to smooth things over and let sj get away with anything, etc. then his dynamic with lbh and nyy is a reenactment of his life with the qius, this time with him as the one abusing his power. it sort of feels like there's something inescapable about their fates, and it goes to show how much work sj needs to achieve a modicum of peace, though of course if he was sure of yqy's love for him that would be a great start.

sorry for rambling. back on topic. why did sj became a peak lord?

“If I said that I wasn’t doing well at Qing Jing Peak, what would you do?” Shen Qingqiu asked, slow and measured. “Would you help me enter Qiong Ding Peak, just as you recommended me for Qing Jing?”

Yue Qingyuan gave it some thought, then said solemnly, “If that’s what you wanted.”

“Clearly I don’t want that,” Shen Qingqiu said with a resolute humph. “I want to be head disciple. Would you be willing to give me your position? Let me become the sect leader?” he asked, forceful and lofty. “For better or worse, Qing Jing Peak ranks second among the Twelve Peaks. I’d rather wait to succeed this one.”

it's clear he wants power and influence, and if he'd had the chance he would have gone for the sect leader post. can you imagine that??

In the past, Qiu Jianluo had forced Shen Jiu to learn how to read and write. Shen Jiu had been unwilling to learn, had detested it to the point of madness, yet now it was only through his abilities in reading and studying—through being smarter than his peers—that he’d been able to earn the Qing Jing Peak Lord’s favor. To make it even more laughable, of the thousands of possible names in this world, the peak lord had just happened to name him “Qingqiu.”

But no matter how laughable, no matter how it made him gnash his teeth, Shen Qingqiu still wanted that name, for this name represented that from now onward, a shining new life was his.

sj is ambitious. that's why i think he' wouldn't be happy with living like a common person. he also likes luxury so i guess he'd detest the life of a wandering cultivator because it would to much like living in the streets, where he spent most of his childhood. he likes quiet and staying inside. he liked the security of being at the top.

so i don't think it would be impossible for him to have a life more suited to him, that wasn't such a consequence of his traumas and how he copes with them, but like i said, it would take a lot of work and healing.

#svsss #svsss meta #shen jiu #original shen qingqiu #zykamiliah-svsss #anonymous

[illmetkismet]

wowowow finished the second season of shadow and bone and i'm soooooo mad about the weird fucking ableist nosedive inej and kaz's relationship took. this show spent so much time establishing how much they care for each other, and when kaz finally manages to bring himself to tell inej that he wants her to stay with him she's like, 'ok but if you can't fuck me because you are riddled with trauma then i don't want you tho???' true love. super cool.

and like i get it, sex and physical touch are a huge part of relationships and intimacy, but i am begging on my hands and knees to please handle this delicate subject with some modicum of care and respect if you're gonna depict it. within the span of like 2 minutes of screen time inej tears into kaz for something that's so painful and humiliating and isolating to him. nothing like someone you love and trust turning around and telling you that actually you can fuck off if you won't magically will away your trauma/disability for their sake.

HOWEVER i know in my heart of hearts that inej wouldn't do this. it's just bad, lazy writing. actually, when kaz says, 'stay with me, i want you,' inej would not do what they had her do on the show. i absolutely know she'd be like, 'awesome, sweet, hell yeah!' and would sew them both full coverage leather gimp suits or whatever. they'd kiss through plastic wrap 'pushing daisies' style. hell if she really was actually like, 'i need sex tho,' i know they'd work out some kind of arrangement where she brings hot ppl home and kaz watches them fuck and they both get off on that.

and i definitely know that the devout and devoted inej we come to know throughout the show would never be such a cruel motherfucker as to CARESS KAZ'S GLOVED HAND and then look him dead in the eye and ask, 'and how will you have me?' followed by gut punch after gut punch about all the ways in which his PAIN AND SUFFERING impedes on her ability to fuck him raw.

the show was so weak for taking an easy, boring, and fucked up way out of a situation that could have been such an empowering and refreshing take on disability and intimacy. and they went to such length to be like, 'kaz is disabled but that doesn't stop him from being a badass!' cool. cool cool cool. but wait actually he's not allowed to work through his trauma -- sorry! 'armour'! cause he's choosing to put on his crippling disgust with bodily contact! yeah that's how it works! -- on his own terms and actually booooooo forever alone time for kaz cause he can't fuck!!!! ugh. blech. yuuuuuuck i hate it.

#shadow and bone #i haven't read the books i've just seen the show so maybe it's different there? #but still #they still made it happen in the show and that fucking sucks

[angelinthefire]

hii <3 about your WIPs, I'm actually curious about all of them, can you tell something about each?? (otherwise if i need to only choose one, then... Meanstiel fic)

Absolutely, thanks for asking!

- Cute shit

The idea here is that Cas comes back, and Dean is very soft and friendly with him. Not necessarily romantic right away. But he wants to spend time with Cas all the time and take him out and do stuff together. And then he almost dies, and Cas saves him, and Dean realizes he was being too hesitant. It's really just a collection of sweet little scenes.

- Meanstiel fic

I thought I made a post about this before, but I can't find it now so maybe I didn't. The premise is, what if honey!Cas was treated with a modicum of respect by the narrative? And Dean just has to deal with him that way? The set up is that the s7 finale happens, but without Dean and Cas getting sucked into Purgatory, and without Meg disappearing, and when it's over, Meg asks Cas to come with her and he does. And Dean is left being like wtf, and pissed off, but not really able to show it, because while he took the first step towards reconciliation, Dean's feelings about Cas are still all messed up.

So a few months pass before they cross paths again. For some kind of case. I don't have a clear plot worked out. But the character arcs are:

Cas: There is nothing "wrong" with him, he just perceives and talks about the world differently. He's still dealing with guilt through avoidance and self-sacrifice. When he's with Meg, it's easy because there's so little expectation between them. He wants something from Dean that he's denying due to guilt.

Meg: Letting herself be "saved", letting herself need someone else emotionally, letting someone care for her and caring for them in return.

Dean: I'd want Dean to be in a place where he's still thinking about "the very touch of you corrupts" at the back of his mind. Like he mostly got over his frustration with Cas at the end of s7, but he still has some frustration, but also it's caused by and masks an underlying sense of guilt on his part. Which is tied up shame for his feelings for Cas. And his journey is about learning to understand Cas again, that they can't go backwards. And falling in love with him again.

Sam: Sam would not feature very heavily probably, but I'd do a thing with him where he realizes that if Cas doesn't need to be "fixed" then maybe he doesn't need to be fixed either.

And basically the whole thing is, Cas and Meg show up again with this dynamic where Cas is still different, but Meg really understands him now, and they have this whole rapport, and they're sleeping together. And Dean feels like an outsider looking in, and he has to put work into reestablishing his relationship with Cas. And Meg and Dean have this kind of rivalry that they end up bonding over.

So yeah, I know where I want it to go emotionally, I just don't have a clear plot for it.

- possession idea

I have less than 200 words written on this. It's a dialogue where Cas visits Dean in a dream to tell him he's alive, but he can't see him on earth because he doesn't want to possess anyone again. So Dean suggests that Cas possess him, but in like, a bro-y kind of way. Like it'll be ~cool and ~fun. And then when Cas expresses doubt about it being a good idea, Dean flips very hard into being like, "please, I need you back" etc.

- s8 curtain fic

This is one that comes from a suggestion from an anon, about what would happen if Sam went through with the trials at the end of s8 and died. I have a long post about it here. I'm not sure that there's much additional in my google doc that's interesting that's not in that original post.

- status quo

This is the one I plan to write next when I finish Ignite Your Bones. It's based on a post by @restlesshush. The idea is that Jack brings Cas back as human, and he's convinced that his relationship with Dean is ruined. Meanwhile, Dean is wrestling with his feelings and it's making him weird and awkward. Basically, Dean and Cas are both absolutely struggling, but they're struggling in their own heads while trying to act normal around each other. It should be cringy and cute.

Thanks so much for asking!

#ask #my stuff #spn #destiel #spuffy-destiel

[elisaphoenix13-cullrian]

Barely Breathing (But Still Alive) (Ch.1)

It was all a matter of pride really. Dorian was welcomed with open arms–at least the Herald's–into the Inquisition, and he was shown to a rather drafty cabin, but he wasn't going to complain. At least not about some semblance of a roof over his head in the snow covered mountains. Not much. In fact, he wouldn't even complain about his asinine choice to stand outside during waking hours in the shadow of the cabin. He kept telling himself he did it in case the Herald was in need of his assistance, but in reality, the man could easily open the door to Dorian's current living situation and find him inside. And warmer.

If Dorian were truly honest with himself, he would admit that the reason he stood outside in freezing weather was to watch people. To get an idea of what he was getting into and how much his presence was and would be welcomed. There wasn't much. He was either wholly ignored or given some kind of brief glance. It usually depended on the person if it was a look of disgust or one of curiosity. Sometimes, someone would manage both. Dorian took it all in stride though, he knew it was to be expected because of the country he hailed from. And the fact that he was a mage. He still heard whispers that he was a blood mage no matter what Trevelyan did to dispel those rumors. Dorian would just have to prove it over time…not that anyone would care right now.

At least the Herald's other companions and his advisors had the decency to show him a modicum of kindness. More out of respect to the Herald than anything, but at least Varric's kindness seemed genuine. Dorian considered joining him on more than one occasion for the warmth of the fire he stood by and for the friendly company. Solas lacked the sense of familiarity and he was very off-putting just from a few feet away from Dorian's chosen haunt. Not that Dorian was looking for friendship with the self-important elf. He wouldn't be caught dead making friends with someone who thought rags were in fashion. 

Dorian's need for warmth did eventually win over his stubborn pride, but only because Varric was decent company and he would need to find food soon. Perhaps he would warm his fingers before doing so.

So he stepped out of the shadows and took the short trip down the small hill and over to the fire that Varric frequented, passing the boisterous tavern. Dorian could warm up in there and get his food, killing two birds with one stone, but it was just a little bit too early to drink. 

"I see you've decided to come out of the shadows," Varric says humorously as Dorian walks closer.

"Besides the Herald, you're the least likely to spit at my feet," Dorian snorts.

"I think Bull likes you."

"In his case the roles are reversed. I prefer to avoid him." Dorian holds his hands out and sighs softly when the heat of the fire starts to slowly warm them. A few less body parts for him to lose.

"They'll come around." Varric says softly after a few moments of silence. "When everyone sees that you really are here to help and that you aren't actually some evil Tevinter Magister practicing blood magic–"

"Perish the thought!" Dorian interrupts with a sly smirk. "You'll tarnish my reputation!"

"You'll be the mage that shits rainbows and butterflies when I write my book." Varric drawls.

"Now there's an image. Don't forget the gold." Then Dorian looks at the dwarf. "By the way, I want a new nickname."

"What's wrong with Sparkler? Not colorful enough for you?"

"You must know me better now. Or does the moniker you gave me five minutes after we met still apply?"

Varric shrugs. "I have the eyes of a story teller. It's a gift."

"So, I'm a bit of light you stick in a window sill to impress passersby? All flash, no heat?" Dorian huffs but then pauses to actually think about it. "Hmm…that's actually pretty clever."

"See? Embrace your place in the universe, Sparkler." The dwarf chuckles. "All of my friends have a special name. Take Curly here for example."

Cullen approached them, obviously hearing the very end of Varric's words, and his determined expression quickly faltered into one of apprehension. "I'll come back," he mumbles.

"Nonsense! We were just talking about my gift for giving nicknames," Varric grins up at him and Dorian watches as the man's shoulders drop just the slightest bit.

"I wouldn't call them creative." Cullen sighs and attempts to change the topic of the conversation by saying, "I have questions about the red lyrium. I thought you might have some insight."

Varric's cheery disposition quickly dissolved into something like defeat. The transition would have been impressive if the subject hadn't been so serious. "I guess I have a little more experience than you do about it. Sorry, Sparkler. We'll do this another time."

"All the more reason for me to find some food. Hopefully the cook doesn't spit in it." Dorian jests and then nods his head to Cullen. "Commander."

Dorian barely gave the man time to nod in return before he turned on his heel and walked back the way he came, only to slip into the tavern. Or the sorry excuse for one. It was really just a cabin with tables jammed so close together that it was a wonder that anyone could fit. Fortunately, Dorian had arrived just before the soldiers would be finished with their daily training so he was able to get a tankard of ale and some stew that was blessedly free of bodily fluids. The barmaid seemed decent enough, she even gave him some bread to go with his stew. Fresh and everything. Such a small thing was enough to brighten his spirits.

Even when the other elf of the group of companions the Herald collected plopped herself across from him. 

"Think she likes you." Sera says flippantly and Dorian smiles.

"What is it you Southerners say? She's barking up the wrong tree?"

"Ohhhh. So you like the guys huh?" Sera attempts to snag Dorian's bread but he promptly slaps her hand away and picks it up to tear at it. "What's your type? Small like elves? Big muscly ones? Dwarves?"

"I didn't take you for one to care." Dorian says flatly and shoves a piece of bread into his mouth after scooping up some of the stew with it. It could have at least used salt since spices weren't exactly a commodity in Haven, but it wasn't terrible. A step above it really. It would sit heavy in his stomach but at least it was food.

"Just curious," Sera answers. "Can't be Bull. You wrinkle your nose like you smelled druffalo piss whenever you're near him. What about Commander Jackboot? Bet he would loosen up if you showed him how."

Dorian chokes on his ale and clears his throat. "I'm sure the Commander would not appreciate any advances from me."

"So you've thought about it!"

Dorian exhales heavily and turns his attention back to his meal, only half listening to Sera ramble. The Inquisition's commander was certainly nice to look at, but it was very clear when the Herald brought Dorian back to Haven, that Cullen didn't care for his presence. Granted, the man wasn't outright hostile, but he did give him a wary glance. Dorian thought it best not to step on his toes until he had a better idea of what the man was like. He did have a bad habit of poking the bear just to date his curiosity…or in this case the lion. But something told him to hold off for just a little while.

Dorian still admired though. He never thought he would find someone so attractive in the south, his expectations were quite low if he were honest. But there were definitely at least a handful of men that appealed to Dorian's tastes. Cullen was just the Ferelden god.

The audacity.

Because he was so attractive, Cullen's initial dislike of Dorian just made the mage want to pursue him all the more. It was a challenge just begging to be attempted, for something as small as the commander's friendship. Dorian didn't take friendship so lightly though. He was genuinely curious and it was obvious that Cullen could use another. Any friends he might have had were probably mindless monsters now.

Dorian cringed at the thought.

"You're lucky Quizzy isn't taking you this time. He says you should rest." Sera says, her voice filtering through Dorian's thoughts. "I'm lucky too. Don't like the sea. Or boats."

"Please don't mention boats. Just the thought makes me seasick," Dorian complains.

"Yeah, okay. Want to make yourself sick on shite ale instead?"

Dorian laughs. "Normally I would say yes but I'll have to pass. I'm still adjusting to Ferelden cuisine."

"That's because you were raised a prissy nob."

Dorian hums in agreement and stands after finishing off what Sera so accurately described as shite ale, bid her farewell, and left the tiny tavern to return to his cabin. By the time he had finished his meal though, the sun had set and the moon was already beginning its own climb so Dorian decided it was probably best to turn on for the night. He had his pride but he wasn't stupid enough to stand around outside after dark. That was just asking for frostbite.

Sleep wasn't easy to come by though. Dorian tossed and turned well after his cabin mates joined for the night, and he eventually gave up and left to go for a walk. He didn't need another reason for the people to hate him, and maybe a walk would help him tire out anyway. Dorian started in the small village but eventually decided he was bored with the scenery and moved to the area outside the gates. It was quiet since everyone had long since gone to bed, so Dorian made sure to be quiet as he made his way past the soldiers tent. 

He remembered Trevelyan mentioning an old cabin in passing that had belonged to the herbalist's mentor and Dorian thought maybe he could find something else useful that he could use. Since the Herald hadn't grabbed anything other than the notes left behind, anything there had to be up for grabs. Dorian was a little disappointed when he arrived at the cabin and stepped in though. Besides some furniture, there was nothing left of use. He was honestly surprised this hadn't been made his personal quarters if only to keep the evil Tevinter magister away from the masses.

But then they wouldn't be able to keep a close eye on him.

Dorian couldn't say if that was the reason or if they genuinely were just treating him as a member of the Inquisition. He was still observing everyone and trying to figure out where he stood with them.

"What are you doing?" A voice asks from behind Dorian, making him turn on his heel with a hand to his chest. He was surprised to find the commander looking at him with curiosity…not animosity.

"Fasta vass! Festis bei umo canavarum!" Dorian swears before dropping his hand. "You can't just sneak up on somebody like that!"

How Cullen was able to sneak up on him was answered by the fact that the man had stripped his armor for the night and was in a simple shirt and trousers. It made Dorian cold just looking at him. At least that atrocious mantle the commander wore looked warm.

"I couldn't sleep." Dorian says when the commander doesn't offer anything in response. "Thought I would take a walk and my feet led me here. I apologize if I woke you."

"You didn't." Cullen finally says and rubs the back of his neck. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Dorian waves away his guilt halfheartedly. "No harm done. I was wondering if there was anything of use here. Unfortunately there isn't. I'll be on my way then. I might be able to go to sleep if I can manage to get warm."

He waited a few moments to give Cullen a chance to respond, but when the man remained silent, Dorian moved past him to the door. The commander would likely inspect the cabin to make sure he hadn't been doing anything immoral like practicing blood magic, but he would find nothing of course. Maybe then Cullen would be able to relax around him.

Maybe when Andraste farts demons. Dorian thought morosely.

"Do you…" The commander suddenly starts, causing Dorian to stop in his tracks and turn his head in surprise. "Do you play chess?"

Chess? That was not something Dorian ever expected to hear out of the mouth of the Inquisition's commander. It could only mean he was requested by the Herald to try and play nice with Dorian. He appreciated the thought, and really, he appreciated that Cullen was even willing to try. But Dorian would relieve him of that…obligation.

"You don't need to play nice with me just because the Herald asked you to." Dorian says carefully. "I appreciate the attempt but I'll be sure to let him know that it's not necessary."

"He…didn't." Cullen admits softly. "I wanted to ask you of my accord. I'll admit I have my reasons, but it seems like you could use a friend."

Well tonight was just full of surprises. The commander was approaching him by his own determination? Cullen did admit that he had his own reasons, no doubt to keep a close eye on Dorian, but the main reason was because he thought Dorian might need a friend?

He wasn't sure whether to be swayed or offended. Then again, if Cullen meant to offend him, he would have had a soldier watching him at all hours. Nothing of the sort had happened so Dorian could only come to the conclusion that the commander was being genuine. He was starting to wonder if he was dreaming this all up because of his earlier conversation with Sera.

"In that case, I would enjoy a game of chess." Dorian says with a soft smile and watches as Cullen visibly relaxes. "As you are far busier than I am, you only need to come find me when you find a moment."

Then Dorian turned forward again and made the walk back into the village and to his shared cabin before Cullen could give him an answer or change his mind. If the commander was serious, Cullen would come looking for him.

Only time would tell.

#dorian pavus #cullrian #cullen rutherford #varric tethras #sera #dragon age inquisition

[tumbleweedtech]

Been hearing this is a problem again. Don't be a dick in bookmarks, folks. And yes while I made this image, I'm giving free rein. Take it. Spread it far and wide. Because I'm hearing that some readers don't know that their bookmarks are visible. Editing for clarity, since it's hit 14k notes and I'm tired of repeating myself:

No, I do not care if you think bookmarks are for readers. They're permanently attached to fic- which means authors see them. Authors, you may be shocked to learn... are also readers. So they also read fics- troll bookmark lists for good fics. They check their own bookmarks, perhaps, or stumble upon them in their search for new fic. It is not censorship to ask for respect. Or kindness. Leave your notes, leave your chapter count, leave your additional tags and thoughts, that's all fine. But you can do that without being mean. Because fandom is a gift we give to each other, shared freely. Treat it with kindness.

#ao3 #archive of our own #fanfiction #Note to authors: I strongly suggest just blocking users who do this #It's not going to stop them #Because they're rude with no manners #But if you block them and your friends block them #maybe the millennia old tradition of shunning people who harm the community will clue them in that they're ostracizing themselves #You don't have to like someone or what they write to show modicum of kindness. If it's not to your liking just click the back button.

[wowbright]

How the hell did you make me like Cooper Anderson?  Also Laura his wife sounds awesome!

I don't know how I made *you* like Cooper Anderson, but I know how I made *me* like him.

And I bet you weren't expecting an essay in response to this, but you are getting one! Because I have so many thoughts about (post)Mormon!Cooper. So many, in fact, that they are going under a cut.

I dictated this. Please excuse typos.

(Oh, and from the timing, I feel it's safe to assume that your ask is in response to the mormon!Klaine vignette Don’t Be a Dumbass.

Canon Cooper is a divisive character. Great for comedic relief but, if he were an actual person in real life, not very likable by most standards. I remember when “Big Brother” came out. Now, memory is a tricky thing and very biased, but as I remember it, before the episode aired, people were headcanoning him as an awesome brother and writing fics about him being super supportive and helping Blaine through tough times in their youth. Because Matt Bomer! Who wants to hate Matt Bomer?

Well, that's not the character we got in the episode. I remember I ticked a lot of people off after that episode aired because their relationship dynamics reminded me of my own relationship with my older brother. I have written vaguely about that relationship elsewhere on Tumblr (probably in the #metabation and/or #gpoy tags), but the short version is that it was abusive and traumatizing (like, PTSD levels of traumatizing for me), and we are pretty much estranged. I brought that experience to “Big Brother” and was like, “oh, you know how we always assumed that Blaine was fucked up because of his parents? Maybe it's his brother!”

I have no interest in forcing that interpretation on anyone else, though. We all bring our own baggage to any text, and that is mine. So I can also see Cooper i as not actually a jerk, but instead somebody who is terribly vain and unaware of how he affects others.

However, that still makes him difficult to turn him into a supportive brother in fic. Some writers neglect or diminish those aspects of Cooper's personality to make him someone Blaine can rely on, and that's fine. It’s fic, and when canon throws us crap, we are free to ignore or change it.

But I am kind of ... unhealthily obsessed with canon characterization? So I wanted to take the vain, unaware Cooper we know from the show and see what a Mormon upbringing followed by a faith crisis might due to his personality. (And yes, I had the ulterior motive that I wanted Blaine to have at least one family member he knew he could rely on for support before he comes out—which is a very big ulterior motive, and can definitely lead me to making him nicer than canon or my universe actually justifies. Unlike mormon!kurt, I’m not perfect.)

I'm going to say something that hopefully nobody will find shocking at this point: Mormonism/The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints/faith is complex. It can be damaging, and it can also be a literal lifesaver for a lot of people. But I think, for someone like Cooper, growing up in the church could do a lot of good:

His vanity would be tempered in childhood be going to Sunday school every week and learning about being kind to each other. 

His self importance might swell a little too much when he got the priesthood, but in my headcanon, he has adults in his church who see that going on and try to counter it. (Some of them tell him off, and others take a gentler approach by showing him how to develop humility.)

His mission would throw him into an environment where he really knew nothing and would, with a modicum of self-awareness, start seeing his shortcomings.

I mean, really. If all he ever did was talk about himself and how great he was, every single one of his companions would hate him. And Cooper might be OK with that at first, but he also craves accolades and approval, so he’d start adapting.

Through his companionships, his mission would also expose Cooper to a lot of different ways of “being Mormon” and “being a family.” He would talk about his family with his companions and realize that not everybody has a completely distant dad, and that generosity and concern for others comes naturally to some people and is not a weakness or something to be feared.

And then comes his faith crisis, which I see as starting sometime in his mission but coming into full bloom at BYU (Brigham Young University, aka “the Lord’s university”). Here’s the thing about BYU: Never-Mormons can attend, but if you are a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and decide to leave, you are automatically expelled. It could be the day before graduation, and if the administration finds out you don’t believe the teachings anymore, you are out of there. Want a degree? Find another school that will accept most of your credits, then pay for one or two more years of college to finish somewhere else.

Under U.S. law as currently interpreted, this is entirely legal. It’s also entirely terrifying to anyone experience a crisis of faith while attending BYU.

Plus, Cooper loves the BYU drama department. (From everything I've heard about it, it's a good drama department.) He doesn't want to leave a place where he's actually getting better at acting and start over somewhere else.

Also, would his parents even continue paying for his college, paritcularly arts college, if he left the church? He honestly doesn't know.

So he hides his true colors.

Such an experience doesn't necessarily make someone develop sympathy for others in similar situations. But this is my fic, so it does. Cooper doesn't know what it's like to be gay, but he does know what it's like to hide. He knows how taxing it is on your soul. He understands the fear. He understands the very real possibility of rejection by people who profess to love you.

In short, he develops sympathy for people in all types of closets.

And then I gave him a healthy romantic relationship that brings out the best in him. That helps, too. (Laura is down-to-earth and has a solid head on her shoulders. Cooper loves that. She’s attracted to Cooper’s boundless energy and his penchant for dreaming. She finds his self-absorption both cute and irritating.)

Cooper is still self-centered a lot of the time. But he is aware of that aspect of himself. And while he can't completely get rid of it (and shouldn't—his career requires self-confidence), he has much more sympathy for others than he used to have. He uses his self-centeredness to understand others (being in situation x hurt me in y way; maybe it's the same for so-and-so and I can use my experience to help them through it). And when he feels his self-importance/self-centeredness getting in the way, or has it pointed out to him by people he trusts, he tries to do better. He leans on his arsenal of less developed personality traits and skills and tries to strengthen them.

So ... Is that how I made you love Cooper?

#mormon!klaine meta #ask #anon #(post)Mormon!Cooper #mormon!klaine #cooper anderson

[misterbitches]

i had the misfortune of finally watching/getting through what happened in whatever episode where he gets raped so im gonna talk about it and tag it cos that's what a bitch fuckin feels like, got it? i do what i want aint no limit bad ass bitch aint never been timid. woopsie realized i got the nicknames confused oh well lmao

it's just logistically and plot wise like there's literal plot holes in this and i'm taking the production and set-up into account along with the actual content and development. im an ARTIST OKAY im jk i mean i am and i am pretentious and terrible but look. i didnt get that degree and im not in a house worth of debt for nothing ok. it's called writing on tumblr about my grievances of shows that dont matter and do not respect me as a fat black american woman either so it is my fault yet here i am.

anyway it was worse than i imagined and their talk after (with chengren) was even worse. that's what i mean about making the lines their own (the actors) bc teng teng sounded like a straight up motherfucking moron and im like

bECAUSE IT'S HIM EVEN THO IM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DID U JUST SAY U STUPID BITCH? but then it's like awwww and they also care about his wellbeing obviously??? but no? but it's like ok still teng teng said it even if it's stupid because he is a character and charles puts that forth. the people that fail the most to do that are xing si's family but that's not the actors fault because it's the literal material. you're like wait what but you just said...?

so i know they have no script editors i guess i think i find this season ACTUALLY fascinating because of just how egregious it is. i also went back and watched history: obsessed which i thought i liked because of their chemistry even though god the production....but i tried rewatching it and i was like wow this is worse than i remembered and the production issues were even worse because some of the music was SO LOUD AND BAD HOLY FUCK and their whole rship isssssss a sight to behold lmao

so man i guess it really is the power of anson/charles. which is good cos we love to see it...sort of but also a lot.

i honestly....because i've been able to pay attn more to the aftermath of the rape going back and putting it into more context and focusing (just barely lmao) is hm even worse. the inconsistencies are insane. it's not even just about the act but the writers have zero idea where they are going because they have no interest in exploring it. but the way in which it happens is like fascinating. yong jie literally thinks he owns xing si and it doesn't matter if he was kissing him or not or asked for a kiss on the lips (which dude what the fuck? i'll get to that) because he was plied with "extremely strong drinks" and his mom knew about it....which girl congrats you're an accomplice to the rape of your son by your other son?

but first of all...the kissing thing. in what fucking world would he (xing si) want that unless he thought he (yong jie) was someone else. i can't say their attraction is evident because we are being lead by this team to think so; they create this false sense of sensuality already so to me that signifies that they never intended for them to have a bond as brothers. it just feels cheap and fucking lazy (which it is.) even if he did, which doesn't make sense considering the context THEY CONSTRUCTED, it wouldn't matter because he was so fucking drunk which.... at that point nothing is fun, you feel sick, who wants sex like that? does he not have whiskey dick? did they have a condom? was it not painful for him considering? even if this was something to easily get over like was the dick good? it couldn't have been. and then, on top of that, there's the fact that you can change your mind or whatever but also that people do get aroused in these situations bc it is human nature (that's if they can literally get aroused which if the drinks were allegedly sooooo strong that nigga would be out so....again like even practically here it doesnt add up. have these people ever been drunk? if not, write what you know girl. cos sometimes it's like i think some of u r trying to be cool when u dont have 2 b lmao)

so yong jie coming on to him previously may be seen as like push-and-pull but here's the thing. right after it happens (the rape and it's rape so call it that you'll be okay) xing si gets up and goes home and is terrified and upset. he acts like what we have seen or even felt after a violation. he's scared, clutching his bag, it's like...you know...decently coming off as truly distressing (the actor isn't bad at all and i like that he's dark. i just massively hate this for him but hey at least he can show some chops.) like honestly man that fucking sucks and hurts to see. if we've been there we feel it. or part of it is realizing belatedly what happened. a lot of times that drop in your stomach is the worst.

but somehow for some reason, to which i cannot understand, the three of them begin to talk as if xing si pressured him? which maybe i missed something and that is possible—dont feel like going back to look—but that also made no sense. like what kind of false memory is this? why would he think he wasn't willing? and if he thought yong jie wasn't and that he pressured him how does he remember like...anything about the sex?!?!??!? besides waking up and being with him. like i guess he felt yong jie's MASSIVE DONG imprint but ??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!!!!

god then the logic of the top/bottom thing is like i said i wasnt going to get into it but it's actually really funny. this whole thing was hilarious. honestly because I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS. he could have totally raped him in that way but how did you get to this CONCLUSION FROM THAT??????? BY YOUR LOGIC THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS? IF HE IS THE BOTTOM AND PENETRATION IS THE ONLY FORM OF TRUE CONSUMMATION AND RAPE BECAUSE APPARENTLY, BASED ON ANATOMY, IF YOU HAVE A DICK IN UR BUTT UR A GIRL THEN HOW. DOES. THIS. MAKE. SENSE. AND THEN

AND THEN

AND THEN

AND THEN

this whole stupid conversation happens so we get to the conclusion that xing si violated him ok cool but that means that something is wrong. that is the CONCLUSION WE CAME TO A SECOND AGO?

also the other rapist is a villain and muren isn't in love with him so, once again, you're breaking the rules of your own world about acceptability which is why most of this is absolutely mind bogggglinG that iit's fuckign comical. like i actually when i can stomach it start laughing or my jaw is slack because it's so insulting as a viewer because there is like 0 logical followthrough.

because whatshisface barges in, kisses him in front of his friends without permission, then says whether you were willing or not which is hm. at that point how u gonna change that around but let's not bother with logic here. i am simply here to point out how this makes no sense according to the rules they set up even outside of the basic rule of life which is hm dont rape people maybe.

so now we know xing si was raped, they believe he was raped, he himself believes he was raped, and whatshisface literally says he doesn't care even if he was willing (he wasn't) so he admits to rape. i don't believe in the police and i hate them (BL industry needs the cops but dont get me down that road) but no one...thought to go?

because according to history 4 logic nothing matters so im sure if he went to the police you could handwave the homophobia since there's no actual context for anything besides their whimsy. but they dont want to do that because they aren't interested in an arc of growth; redemption isn't possible unless he is removed from the family but again no work on thinking this through or thinking about the victim's feelings. because gay sex? who fucking knows. supposedly progressive taiwanese writers of gay shit (like how supposedly progressive the world is. as in it is not and this behavior is the norm and bl perpetuates that) can't think of transformative justice?

and then they gave bad advice so we wont acknowledge that because teng teng doing anything wrong/stupid is frequent but hurts me and also that storyline is not real so i pretend they are not there outside of this post

so all of this is just straihgt up clownery now because it's fucking absurd like logically, practically, human-wise. the kissing thing is inconsequential but it was such a lazy cheap way out lmao cos they really wanted it to seem consensual but that's not how it works. on top of that their attraction makes no sense because whatshisface is just there. he is just there. he's nothing and no one so the sentiments are even more empty and on top of that he doesnt listen to a single request fucking obviously because the basis of their relationship is fucking rape so fucking listening and respecting his partner is not on his list of fucking priorities. he's literally so fucking annoying even without being a rapist it's like someone please beat his ass.

and then after all of that you want us to feel bad? with your horrible writing, poorly misplaced music, stupid costumes (those fucking SHOES THEY ARE HIDEOUS, AND MOST OF THIER CLOTHES DO NOT FIT IT'S LIKE WHY), questionable fucking editing. we're supposed to wnat them together? this sounds literally fucking crazy but bear with me lmao even with the rape they could at least have SOMETHING i mean like i cant believe im fucking saaying this. but like in addicted heroin which is fuckin tragic and awful at least there's a MODICUM of interest but honestly that show s a fucknig drag. idk they lookd good together? here we have 0. nothing. and it doesnt motivate. watching obsessed again i can see why i liked it in the beginning bc they have good chemistry but the acting and production adn like everything about it plus the rape-y vibes it's just too much. you need to pick one thing so if you're going to be a shit writer at least supplement it with something. this thing is nothing.

and even more nonsensical and what boggles my mind frankly out of all this is the mother's involvement and the father's final response. there are NO consequences? theyre all happy?

ok so lets go through this:

1. 2 boys grow up 2gether, one of the boys is fucking psycho, the mother knows but does nothing??????????????

2. one of the sons moves out so his father doesn't get a hint that's he's fucking gay. ok fine. he has 2 best friends, a job, an apt. he is fine.

3. aforementioned brother is obsessed with him for SOME REASON besides being crazy?

3.5 no one has done anything during him growing up to help him not be crazy?

4. mom says to husband who is their father also just in case we forget "im afraid he will lose his humanity"

4.5 again, do nothing. 0. just like oh man hes crazy. guess that's just our son ;)

4. who cares. plies him with alcohol purposefully to rape him. not even dubious (even though dubious is fucked and not okay or is just not. fucking real. these shows are contextless when they want to be or even movies or whatever so it's like largely not up to the task to understand complexity in human rships and then oversimplifies it constantly because that's what we do IRL. but people have fucking feelings you know and we realize when things don't feel good or right to us either very quickly after or having to process it. and once you're eyes are opened you may feel as something was fucking ripped away from you. for the modc couple this would be a very logical conclusion for the high schooler the thirty year old dated but again logic or feelings are up to their whimsy. no one cares bc everything can be counted as dubious so honestly it's a fucking stupid fucking topic like again why are we litigating what is and isnt consent when you could just like idk. read cues? consent? wait? not be a freak? like we all know what is proper human shit so even if we are watching this uncritically which u cant bc it's glaring and stupid it's just even more dumb) so it was honestly a rape plot like he literally planned it soooooooooo??!?!

5. aftermath of rape the victim is like literally fucking bereft and confused. and a rape victim. like that's what they are insinuating and what also he is to be clear.

6. boy tells him "idc if i raped u i luv u lmao"

7. mom ENCOURAGED THE BOY to get him drunk because her other son was too nice? she encouraged her adult son to rape her adult step-son (but her real son because she repeatedly says you are my son and the dad does too THEY GREW UP TOGETHER WHEN THE KID WAS IN AN IMPRESSIONABLE STATE) so THIS ALSO MAKES EVEN LESS MOTHERFUCKING SENSE

8. everyone finds out about his rape and he isnt mortified he's just concerned about himself being gay to his dad?????? except it's not really about his gayness bc now it's about his sudden love for his rapist brother? which? hm ok. understandable the dad is like wow i do not think i like this

9. dad knows all of it is fucked up, everyone does, knows the mother fucked up, knows he fucked up. doesnt like it because he is normal. so we know this is terrible? ok great so—

10. father says "i can't accept this...but i'm willing to give you my blessing" ok see here's the thing. when you write you have to think about the things you are putting on the page and what you have written previously. this quite literally made no sense how the fuck are you going to not accept them but give them your blessing? does this crew know what the fuck words are? i'm assuming they went to some sort of school to obtain jobs here bc there cannot be natural talent or experience. maybe most of them are rich. fuck i do not know but this also makes no sense. just the literal logic of it it's like fucking insane the whiplash.

10.5 apparently this father is also shitty. everyone here sucks and they are basically begging me to think xing si is a fucking idiot so i dont even want to look at him if he is an object he doesnt matter so now i want to kick him. thanks a lot you made the victim get absolutely fucking nothing

they KEEP PUSHING the brother thing it is so insane and it's liek GUYS WE GET IT WE UNDERSTAND THEYRE "RELATED" BUT NOT RELATED SO IT'S OK HE WAS "RAPED" BUT NOT RAPED but you're GOING BACK ON YOUR OWN RULES!!!!!!!!!! WE GET THAT THEY ARE BROTHERS!!! WE'RE OVER IT NOW BUT WHAT IS THIS WHEN WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED SOMETHING? I AM CONFUSION? they flip flop between my son, my brother my actual brother, and cannot fucking distinguish between love for your father and love for your romantic partner? so to me what i see is that the father wants to fuck the son. that's the conclusion i am garnering now considering nothing matters and his love for his "brother" is the same as his love for his dad lmao. they couldnt even do that in a way that made sense. like damn anybody can get anything. these ppl who are doing this have to be fucking rich and/or have connections.

also this guy sounds literally like a textbook abuser like he says constantly "im the best choice" is a rapist is awful holds capital (oh hees "saving" smh ur trapping her!!!!! RETIRE!!!!) also wears terrible shoes so i am like ur alllllllllLLLLL FUCKING CRAZY ur all literally crazy and then they are trying to set rules and boundaries in their fucking house like WHY ARE THEY LIVING TOGETHER EVEN? even tho oh my god they know he raped him and for some reason they are both allowing to live in the house but they dont want them to have sex??!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?! i get that this is their house but this is like at this point these ppl are writing anything and now whatshisface is acting like a 2 yr old again and we are supposed to find this cute? like it makes 0 sense why do u fucking care u literally encouraged ur son to rape him so they cant have consensual sex under your nose now and have to wait four years? this is coming from the son who couldnt wait until someone was sober enough to realize hes fucking psychotic and should be killed also the fact that they act like being 20 means u have no fucking brain like this kid is in med school supposedly how do we know like hes a liar and an idiot so. also wait do they mean undergrad? how are you in med school at 20? is he a genius? girl i dont care lmao i guess i missed that but it's not like it matters so whatever

even if we ignore the stupidity of the literal acts, the grossness of the content, the absolute inability to write coherently or even remotely in a way where we would even want to see them together which is like....u set it up at the beginning so he punches "the love his life's best friend" also holy fuck im sorry remember when he punches muren because xing si got too drunk. so i'm guessing whatshisface is that good of a bartender that he makes super strong drinks and gets xing si drunk but his alcohol is magical therefore it doesn't make him sick. his alcohol is the type that gets you drunk but somehow doesnt get to your liver even though that's how we get drunk but dont ask guys he's only in med school and a bartender so i think he knows best (seriously have the main writers had a day of fun in their lives? have they ever been drunk? are they toddlers? drunk babies could probably do better tho.) i get that he was also jealous but if this kid is SOOOOOO genius (he understands social cues lmao he has the cpacity to project onto his victim so im like miss me with the not understanding shit. go to a fucking therapist like seriously did no one care abt this kid? his mother thinks he's like almost a goddamn murderer. how is she not dead? how are they all not dead? how do any of them know how to drive with this type of brain?) then he would understand that they are very clearly friends since he watched them part in a very platonic way and since he apparently knows what love is cos he thinks....he can....make someone fall in love with him bc he loves them? again, i wouldnt know hes 20 and taiwanese and im 29 and black from AMERICA so im WESTERN* so you know. different life experiences i guess XD

even if we do mental gymnastics to get it to a place where they "had sex" and he didnt rape him there's 0 ZERO ZERO ZERO ZERO ties to the literal story they wrote and the rules they set up. i'm going ot assume they dont know wtf theyre doing and i know for a fact we all care more about their dumb show than they do but it's actually startling how piss poor this is it's like idek what to compare it to. the continuity is awful awful awful they needed a script supervisor majorly and they are making bank and are going to make fucking bank fof this shit. and itll just continue like that until IRL material changes and that's facilitated by these very same groups they choose to profit off of and exploit by propelling it into the mainstream and litigating homosexuality through capitalism. and i'm being specific with homosexuality. i dont want a GL market like at all and i know why we wouldnt have it either and that has everything to do with the nature of BL, capitalism, coercion, and the fanbase being young girls and women. i don't think in this day and age we can safely say all the fans are straight; i'm sure a majority but many women or people on the gender spectrum and sexuality spectrum also consume it. frankly, it's possible the women who write it could be or something too. i dont rly believe any1 is str8 lmao but im just saying it's not out of the realm of possibility. but it isnt about that at all. that's why we wont see "good" female characters (like well written) often that's why we won't see trans women or kathoeys or fat people or black asians in it. a lot of it is is a choice we participate in whatever. but holy fuck dude u could at least respect the audience's fucking intelligence. i'm talking about everything i think that is encapsulated in the project but it's even more jarring and worse because it's so insanely inconsistent and poorly done. like how we jump from one conclusion to another is wild to me. even their first "night together" and he wakes up im like girl....u no ur ass felt it. this nigga broke into his house and was like "im gonna have u" like it's getting weird

just make xing si suffer offscreen not us the stupidity is staggering, mind blowing, hilarious.

how wong kar wai, a straight man from HK (or at least married to a woman), or barry jenkins, a striahgt black man, write/do stories well about people they wouldnt knw about their experiences directly is....well thinking like using their brains and like knowing all types of people? the man who co-wrote moonlight is a hOMOSEXUAL, leslie cheung was fucking gay or queer (and he committed suicide and that's important also RIP homie) both are hailed as queer cinema like WKW wanted to do something else and invested time into it, changed the way he played around with structure, moved away from his crime oriented stuff. he THOUGHT about it and this film is about their reality. it's a harsh film, idk how i feel about it (but my fav movies of his are the crime ones or the messy ones where it's clear he didnt write a script lmao fallen angels is one of my fav movies its' abt assassins kinda) but i know it means something. and he didnt like what HK had previously wasnt enough. it is not the only cinema that should be shown since it's such a stark reality and depressing but it is a real depiction so we can have all sorts of stuff. no this isnt WKW level or moonlight level but i know for a fact these people think they are doing something because artists always do i say this as one and someone who is equally as useless. you're making a statement.

i also hate the westerner component of peoples analyses. first of all dont do cultural relativism. we can critique and respect. but second of all how are we going to keep saying "dont put western ideals on this" when that is what is happening anyway because that's part and parcel for soft power and capitalism. how about taiwan's history with the KMT? what about the regimes young people fought about? aided by US imperialism which permeates through society and affects material conditions, views, democracy, identity and that goes into culture and media. hm? what about that? is that reality too fucking western for people? that we are doing the same thing again now? is that okay to talk about or is that only on your time?

then there's the argument that this is just entertainment. yea no shit but the thing is if we r gonna talk about marginalized groups and watch bc of marginalized groups and then be expected to identify then i dont see why i cant put this in context. even if it wasnt fucking serious we'd still judge it. but it's so pompous and again like i wouldnt say EYE think it's art but it is "art" in the literal sense and no self respecting artist would ever go "man this means nothing." of course im not sure if they do respect themselves so hey but u cant just go oh man it's entertainment when it literally rests on the fact that HOMOS are MARGINALIZED. it literally rests on the fact that WOMEN ARE OBJECTS. you either want progress or you dont. i dont understand being so demanding but not beign specific in the demands and not trying to use your brain. if you dont want to use your brain don't. but if you are looking , engaging, and keep making these arguments or telling ppl it doesnt matter whilst complaining about how much others care is hypocritical at best, willfully obtuse at worst. both bad. :)

(also all this + another thing; it is insulting to have this like wedding happen based off of this stupid relationship when people fought so hard and had to push it. now they can use the material conditions to their advantage but it's so ridiculous. also because there is difficulty still in getting married in taiwan i'm honestly like....the boldness of the writers...)

#history 4 #history 4: close to you #*dont call me western ever #a thot

[fairycosmos]

when you say you'll miss therapy you mean it was helping you? i feel like a failure because i also tried it it months ago and it was a waste of time and money and energy. i also lost my sister 9 months ago. i have tried and nothing has helped. it stands to reason i have to die. and i want to die. i don't want help. i truly don't. i just want to die. right now. it's awful how these are just words but i am writing them while i am crying trying to come down from a panic attack and they seem so calm. i just want to go lie down with my sister and stay down there forever and sleep forever with her. nothing can help. i truly know this in my flesh. there is no help. i knew it before and i know it even more now. i want to die & nobody can understand.

hey. to be honest, while the therapist knew about my sister, i told her i wasn't ready to talk about the actual death and the trauma of it in detail. i only had 3 sessions with her overall and we started from my childhood. so when i said it helped i guess i just meant that finally acknowleding things from back then and conceptualizing them in actual reality and not just in my head, felt nice. i'm really really sorry about your sister. i say this a lot but there really isn't any words for it, and there really is no comfort either. i'm just so sorry. it is unbearable, i can't pretend otherwise. but you are definitely not a failure. finding the right therapist and the right timing for going to therapy is basically half the battle, it is so so important. it can take forever and it has nothing to do with personal fault. right now you don't want help, you said it yourself. and i'm not saying that in a blame-y way by the way, it is completely understandable. like, majorly. you have lost perhaps the most important thing in the world to you and nothing will ever be the same again. nobody gets it because all grief is unique, because all relationships are unique. it is literally a special kind of hell, and i'm right there with you. the words minimize the experience so much. this is the most unintangible chaos, unsayable heaviness and hurt. the fact is it can't be translated into an explanation, and that makes it all the more isolating. i don't blame you for wanting to give up because the suffering is so strong and relentless, though at the same time it's obvious to me that you deserve so much more than that. and again, you're not a failure. i hope you can practice letting go of that notion sometime, even if it feels like a lie. honestly, reaching out for help and talking to professionals might be something you do for the entirety of your adulthood. trying to find some resolution or modicum of acceptance may be a lifelong thing. and that is honestly ok, even if it is exhausting, even if it doesn't feel worth sticking around for at the moment. this is not a linear process. the only thing you have to focus on is getting through right now. that's how i do it, anyway. i pretend the future and the past don't exist sometimes, and i just try to survive the moment. not trying to be melodramatic but it feels a bit like burning alive or freezing to death, and counting down the seconds until the pain eases just a little. sometimes it seems like it never does, sometimes there are moments its broken by superficial distractions. to be frank, i keep thinking i'll find the perfect mantra to tell myself, and to tell other people like you, that will get us through this, but there just isn't one. sometimes it's all just incomprehensibly hard, and it can't be saved or made better. but i do understand, at least to an extent. and a lot of people do, it shocks me all the time how many of us are carrying it with us. like you i don't think there's anything that truly helps grief, not even time really, but there are things that briefly alleviate the bones of it. the talking, crying, honouring, like i said the distracting, even. and it's not enough at all, it never ever will be, it is still unfathomable pain on top of unfathomable pain. i'm just trying to show you that's not all there is, or all there's going to be. it's alright if you're not ready to get proper help yet or if you don't know what to do next, you don't have to know. just focus on making it through the next hour. try to treat yourself like you would a young child or a close friend, even when you want to self destruct. try as many times as you need to for it to work. it's fucking awful and i don't want to live without my sister either, if i thought about getting older without her for more than two minutes i don't know what i'd do. but unfortunately we are still alive and we do have to work with that. and sometimes working with it literally means crying for days on end in bed. the point is you're here, and i hope you can talk to someone with time, but regardless i am so sorry and so proud of you. the grief is constant, but the intensity of each breakdown is not built to last no matter how permanent it feels in the moment. my inbox is always open if you need someone. please contact a friend/family member/emergency services if you feel like ur a threat to your own life rn. please try not to listen to ur brain, whatever suicidal shit it's spewing, and get someone to be with you if you need it. i am so sorry. i'll keep you and your sister in my heart too. so much of her is you, she helped shape this whole world, and the wonderful person you are. that is never going to change. sending so much love x

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #anon #talking