#a couple irl friends know but that's all

[laundrybiscuits]

Surprise! Went to the seaside, and finally wrote a small but much-needed coda to my hanahaki AU. 

Read the coda on AO3.

#hanahaki au #steddie #unrelated: the other day I sorta told an irl friend who I know is in ST fandom that I also am here. which is a first for me! #like I’ve told a couple other friends but neither are actually in any danger of potentially encountering me in the wild #my poor bff receives all my catty unpublishable fandom opinions with zero context #anyway I will continue to be vaguely anx about this until further notice ok bye

[iirulancorrino]

Just logged onto Facebook to find out another woman I went to college with got married and changed her name to her husband's name...please say sike

#starting to get genuinely a little freaked out by how everyone I know irl seems to be doing this #I grew up in the progressive part of socal and spent the first seven years of my adult life in a very liberal city and yet. #just about all of my friends and acquaintances who have gotten married over the past couple of years have changed their names #was not expecting that tbh! and I understand the compelling part but it also seems so retrograde in a way that unnerves me #I'm ready and excited to live a very conventional life but my name is mine forever

[trans-axolotl]

have not left bed today + found out another friend got locked up + want to beat up every single adult that saw what was happening to me and looked away or actively made it worse

#personal #vent #suicide mention tw #i need to call her. last time we talked she said she was going to kill herself if she got incarcerated again #i love her. nothing makes me more angry at so many systems than trying to do suicide support with my friends who are locked up #trying to do this shit over the phone with people listening in. trying to figure out what meaningful support we can even give #because when she says that death is better than months of solitary i know exactly how she feels and what she means and i cannot fucking #most of the skills mainstream peer support has ever taught me are useless in that situation and my best is not enough #there are so many places that need to be burnt down. #there are so many people i love who are not out and it starts to kill me a little bit #and cops are starting to fuck with us here more. i've gotten bruised up a couple times from being shoved around #nothing too bad yet but just #jesus christ #sorry for coming on here to vent all the time but my offline life is a little crazy at the moment and half this shit i can't talk about irl #i honestly think i need to like. start learning how to fight properly again. bc i have so much anger right now #and learning how to actually fight sounds like a better idea then fucking off and getting into random fights like i used to #idk. will look into it

[momijiba]

THANK YOU KAZUHA FOR BEING THE LITTLE MUSE THAT IS LIVING RENT FREE IN MY MIND 24/7!!!!

#🍁 𝑙𝑒𝑡'𝑠 ℎ𝑒𝑎𝑑 𝑜𝑓𝑓 ─ ❝ 🇴​🇴​🇨​​ ❞ #i have made some amazing friendships here and i hold them close.. #we went through a couple of storms and have seen the nasty side of people but in the end it's all part of the journey.. #i'm thankful that i decided a year ago to make this blog.. #i intentionally didn't plan it... i wasn't thinking that i would ever get to rp again but thanks to a reblog of a gifset on my main blog... #that changed.. and i'm happy that it did.. i got to meet my best friend through this and now we are planning to meet irl.. ;;w;; #and i bonded with an other close friend over vc over some shit storm that happened earlier this year... #i know i haven't been active as much but i'm going to be more active in december.. #so please wait for me.. and then i'll over you a maple leaf man.. owo

[ravensmadreads]

.

#i know nobodys really lurking around waiting for me #but just in case i thought id leave this #and like a coward #imma do it at the time i know most of my mutual are offline #anywayyyyyy #im just not feeling great guys im not gonna lie #tbh shits been piling up for a long time #special love to the pedro fandom cause i managed to hyperfixate on it long enough to fend some off #but it's getting bad again #im really grateful for all the love the cm and pedro fandom gave me #and all the lovely friends i managed to find despite the fact that i contribute nothing but vaguely unhinged tags and thots #i know im leaving a couple of series unread in the middle and im sorry about it #The Big Sad is making things hard and irl is kicking my butt big time #there's nothing i want more than to hang out with y'all banging pots and pans and screaming about your talent #but its hard to bring up any kind of enthusiasm right now #and i dont wanna half ass tags/comments when you guys put such soul into your work #so its not goodbye its just a tiny break (hopefully) while i try to smack my brain into submission #I'll try to leave some stuff in the queue #kisses and hugs to you all #raven talks

[wishchthumblr]

on todays episode of "mental health issues that could easily be solved by one single thing that i dont have", GET A MICROWAVE!!!

i just know SO many of my eating related issues (not all obviously but a LOT of them) would be solved if this house just had a goddamn microwave

today i ate like... 1/4th of those small frozen pizzas, 1/3rd of a grilled cheese, and 1/3rd bowl of macaroni and meatballs. and yall wanna know why i didnt eat the whole thing of any of them? its cause my stupid adhd ass took too long to eat and the food got cold. and then i Cannot Eat That anymore. so even though i was still hungry i didnt eat the rest of it and just went back to rotting on youtube shorts and being too hungry to do anything and feeling dumb and unproductive and being guilty of making food that i dont eat. just... feeling like a big ol' waste

but the thing is, if i just

✨owned a microwave✨

i could just reheat the motherfucking food and still eat it and not feel like ive wasted that food. ((because since that food is wasted i feel guilty about making it, so i dont make any more food until next meal time, but then i didnt finish that either cause im stupid and eat too slow.))

but we dont have a microwave. only an oven. and yeah maybe i couldve reheated the 3/4th pizza or the grilled cheese in the oven, but then again the oven uses a lot of electricity. and my mom is always complaining that i turn the oven on, forget that its on for a while, and that im wasting electricity. and i was too tired and hungry to deal with that possibility. plus with the oven theres a chance i forget it too long or have it too hot and burn the food and that would just make me feel worse

but we dont have a microwave, because my mom thinks having a microwave leads to "eating more unhealthy foods that you just heat up" instead of "real food". so i didnt reheat any of my food. so i didnt eat it. it got to the point where it got cold and gross so i just threw it in the trash and hope my mom or grandma doesnt notice.

but if i had a microwave, i couldve reheated that food. and i couldve eaten it. ((and yeah, maybe i wouldnt have ate the whole thing, but maybe half at least? that counts right? well it dont really matter if it counts or not cause it didnt happen.))

and then maybe i wouldnt have been feeling like im gonna faint the whole day and maybe i wouldve gotten literally anything done instead of just scrolling on pinterest and youtube shorts for hours and feeling worthless. and maybe if i ate i wouldnt have hurt myself today

but nope. no microwave. it leads to "unhealthy" habits. i guess not eating enough to count as even ONE full meal is healthier since its not "microwave food"

thanks mom

#tw eating issues #tw self harm #btw to my irl friends. if you see this no you did not #sorry honey if you see this. cause i know you like my mom and think shes really nice #which she is!! most of the time aha #the hurting myself happened bc i usually have sprinkled cheese on my macaroni and meatballs #but i used all the cheese in the sandwich that i binned #which made me feel like such a fucking idiot and a waste #so i started crying #and i took the metal lid from the boiling macaroni pot and pressed it to me leg for like 10 seconds straight #fun fact: im really good at muffling any sound when im in pain. haha #it didnt feel like enough though. my knife drawer had stuff infront of it but theres a loose screw on my table #so i ripped that across my skin a couple times #some blood came out but not “enough” pain #so then i had the very strong urge to hurt MORE #and intrusively imagined what id be like to take a knife and drive it into my stomach #which was a little shocking cause i havent had THAT thought in a while #AND THEN i remembered i have my swedish final on monday and i have to make a speech and i havent even chosen a topic yet #and that ill have to meet the swedish teacher that is the reason for the only times i have ever cried or cut at school #and then i had another like... daydream hallucination thing about telling my asshole swedish teacher #that the reason i dont have a speech is cause i realised id see him on monday and wanted to kms :3 #kinda still feel like cutting and i scratched myself with the sharp screw a bit more but at least venting about this helped a little #yall if i look my teacher in the eyes and tell him he makes me want to kms and that his behavior and attitude HAS made me cut myself #and that i pray to god he treats his own children better than he treats his students #think hed let me skip the test? yes or no? #god i feel so dizzy rn #but i dont wanna make more food and have to throw it away. i wish we had snacks in this house #wish’s whispers #personal vent #this was a lot of tags aha

[e77y]

Recently developed such a bad platonic/friendship crush (idk the word for it... I think there's a word??) on this one person I've barely spoken to 😭 Idk what is is... I just want to be their buddy... I want to do silly activities............ Send me memes and read my fanfics............................

#I cannot express how much I know literally nothing about them #and yet. I must be pals #>:3 !!! #I have SO many mutuals from the dndads fandom that I want to be friends with tbh #like I can count like at least 5 who I've semi-Tumblr stalked for a little while over the past year or so #just bc I think they are cool.... #like even before I started being active on Tumblr #or even FOLLOWING THEM on Tumblr #I would check their blogs #I'm sure this sounds insane I just really like making buddies. okay #but it's usually bc I think they're cool and I'm slightly intimidated by them #for this person.. idk they're just kinda easy to talk to! which is fun!!! #it's always hard for me to talk to people online 😭 I'm so much better at holding convos irl or at least over calls/voice memos #even out of my irls I only have a couple who are easy to text..... bc I overthink my messages before I send them lol #so it's always nice to find someone who is easy to talk to ^_^ #not that I have really talked to them much at all #anyway sorry for the vaguepost lol #at least it's positive! and hopefully not too weird. I promise I just think you are interesting and cool 😭😭 #okay I'm still procrastinating on schoolwork so I should probably go. byee #ellyposting #I will also say NOBODY HERE (about the main subject of this post) #/NBH !! #but I love you all dearly mwah

[daz4i]

i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,

#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better #and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐 #(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think) #but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day #despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔 #+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level #again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know #and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am #other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭 #and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more #(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count) #(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum) #(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use) #(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years) #this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍 #vent #negative // #ask to tag #sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months #(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^) #edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere #i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers #and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too #but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little #i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that

[angels-heap]

Happy back to school/college season! Friendly PSA that y'all really should not be posting your class schedules on tumblr and discord where any random person can see them!!!

#K talks #I've seen like 5 peoples' unredacted school schedules over the last couple weeks #and I feel compelled to put on my old person hat for a second here #listen I know it feels safe to post this stuff in spaces where most of your members/friends/followers are also teens and 20-somethings #with no nefarious intentions or means to track you down IRL #but all it takes is one person to breach your defenses and you could *really* regret telling the internet exactly where to find you #I've crossed paths with tumblr mutuals irl due to pure chance (and/or elaborate stalking from non-real time posts?) before #and I didn't die but the world is smaller than you think it is #please stop posting your identifying info online I am begging you

[theinfinitedivides]

ok now who the f*ck is coming out here saying Junho and Yoona have no f*cking chemistry. who the f*ck is it i just want to talk

#tv: king the land #king the land #lee junho #junho 2pm #im yoona #girls generation yoona #yoona snsd #kdrama #local gay watches KTL (and gets diabetes in the process).txt #local gay watches k-dramas.txt #see i don't know what it is with people these days. chemistry does not automatically equate to 'will tear the clothes off each other #any chance they get'. as much as i (and halmeoni *cough*) needed a bed scene after that kiss in ep 8 i can write fic for that #when i see them i feel like i'm watching an actual couple. there's a kind of easiness there between them they are comfortable #with each other #sure there's a general persona that comes with idolhood but we all know that. what these two have behind the scenes and in interviews #is not that at all #their chemistry is rooted in the fact that they have a foundation irl as best friends (whether they are currently more than that #is up for discussion but still) and they are using that to their advantage with this drama #and i will eat that sh*t up with a spoon if it means the age of dead fish kisses in k-dramas are coming to an end #the one time a couple isn't toxic and they have no chemistry. smh

[trivalentlinks]

genuine question: do you think fan fiction non-trivially benefits the creators of the corresponding original work?

#the only time i may have been influenced to view something b/c of a fic it was a crossover fic by a fave author with my OTP #and even then i stopped reading a couple chapters in and didn't consume the relevant media until months later #on recommendation of an irl friend so i'm not even sure the fic did that much #and i feel like most people i know off line choose their media by friend recommendations #and whatever netflix or disney plus suggests #and don't actually think or care about fan content at all #eg a lot of my irl friends loved talking about game of thrones; breaking bad and sherlock back in the day but consumed no fan content #except maybe a little bit of speculation of what people thought would happen next #they'd never heard of shipping when i mentioned people shipping sherlock and john and thought the idea was hilarious #but then again maybe this is just me showing my age? #i do get the impression that fanfiction has penetrated mainstream society more deeply among younger generations #yes this is about that but i am also wondering this more generally #leverage #(I originally posted leverage fic anonymously to avoid spamming my followers not to avoid people following me to the fandom #because i didn't really think that was a thing #though I guess now it has that as a bonus)

[elenadoeslife]

.

#i wish i was confident enough to meet up with my friend irl. i miss having meet ups with a bestie. #i actually met her in secretary school almost a decade ago. but we only just reconnected and became friends after graduation - #like a couple of years ago #she's into tarot & crochet & F1 too. she's basically me lol. we send eachother memes all day and chat a lot too #i don't know what it is. we talked about meeting up several times before but i was still full on dealing with burn-out and anxiety #so i kept my distance because it was hard for me to focus on conversations and social activities took a lot out of me #i kinda wanna try again because i know we'll hit it off but i've gotten so reserved after all of the mental issues i've gone trough #like i don't trust my social capabilities irl lol #ugh. i mean she's even into my number one band. it isn't gonna get any better lolol #anyways. adult friendships are the bane of my existence and it shows #thanks for coming to my rant tags

[britneyshakespeare]

being aroace is weird bc i’m queer but other queer ppl for the most part don’t understand the way i’m queer unless theyre also aro and/or ace

#i belong to the queer community but ppl think i'm an asterisk #queer on a technicality #queer because i'm definitely definitely definitely not straight #and i relate to other ppl under the queer umbrella but i feel like they don't. relate. to me #most likely bc they haven't seen or heard from many ppl w my experience which is...... hmph #bc i didn't really see or hear from anyone w my experience until i realized... oh shit that's me #& had to go seeking out others. i had to be inclined for my own self-interested reasons. which were totally fair #but like most other ppl are just. not. inclined to learn about aspecs especially not arospecs #which frankly i think i just get more and more aro w age #tales from diana #i'm gray aro (but very VERY aro okay very very disinterested in romance & borderline romance repulsed) #it's happened a couple times.... briefly for the most part. the 'gray' area is not very important to me nowadays #but when i was younger & i had NO CLUE i was aro & i just wanted romance i was very very confused #trying to figure out if i liked girls or not...... which i do....... but like...... in the same...... lukewarm way i liked boys #so i am sapphic and when i finally started to accept that side of myself around 18-19 it felt very important to me #& i still am sapphic. i still am queer in that way. but i hardly hardly ever care to define myself as bi these days. #not because i'm NOT bi anymore. but bc the way almost everyone uses 'bi' i just don't really feel represents me. #im aroace... that's what i am. other aroaces & their experiences represent me #my friends irl all know i'm queer but only like 3 of them even know i'm ace. bc it's not easy to come out as. #but i... do not like to tell ppl i'm bi. not anymore. they get the wrong assumptions in their head. #& those assumptions don't make me uncomfortable except for. it's not ME. #that's the only thing wrong w it. it's that there's this big missing MOST OF MY IDENTITY in my relationships. #i wish ppl fuckin understood more widely the aspec experience. for real. #my fellow aspecs i love you all btw.

[fingertipsmp3]

Last night’s dream was the first one I’ve had in a long time where I wanted to fall back asleep and stay in it/experience it again

#so i’d moved back to the states under false pretences (student visa whilst having zero plan to do another degree) #and was living with my favourite of the three roommates i had last time i was there. they had however given up weed completely and become #a full blown alcoholic. our apartment was messy as fuck and i was the only person who was cleaning it #at one point a couple of our friends were helping me and they were criticising all the mess and i was like ‘it’s literally not me’ #i was taking classes to maintain the ruse that i was doing something to deserve my student visa and every class i showed up to everyone was #wearing surgical masks for covid. i also had this weird thing going on where i could see everyone irl #but if i wanted to i could see everyone in video game sprite form and i could see whether i’d met them yet and how many hearts i had #with them. and there was this guy i realllly wanted to flirt with so i tried sitting in what i was pretty sure was the seat next to his #but this other guy sat next to me instead and kind of looked at me funny #then he started talking to me unprompted about covid rates on campus and then started flirting with me and then was like ‘btw did you know #who i am?’ and i was like ‘no lol. i mean i know your name because you introduced yourself but other than that’ #and he’s like ‘oh that’s such a relief’. turns out he’s the famous lead singer of a kpop band. he’s like ‘if i took off this surgical mask #and styled my hair a bit differently i would get mobbed immediately’ i was like ‘yeah i don’t listen to kpop. i have kpop mutuals but the #whole thing is a mystery to me’ anyway he told me his name but i just called him kim to help him maintain anonymity #we made a date to hang out and study together and i went back to my horrible apartment to discover that my roommate had broken their #sobriety from weed and there was a drug dealer in my flat trying to sign me up for ‘a weed raffle’ #i was like ‘i’m not interested but what can i get for $20’ she lists off two incomprehensible measurements and weed strains and then says #‘i can give you weed hot chocolate’ i was like ‘that sounds fucking delicious sign me up’ she’s like ‘this is a good deal darling’ #i’m just like ‘okay’. i woke up still waiting for my weed hot chocolate to arrive and also waiting for my date with kpop boy #overall a really nice dream. like yeah the covid stuff and the mess was bad but honestly… honestly that’s just life atm #personal

[hypnowave]

.

#mmm. mmmmm. #sometimes u wake up and shower and look in the mirror at your wide hips and narrow shoulders and u think #''damn this trans stuff is really delusional isn't it'' because no matter how hard you try you're never going to pass #because you can't get top surgery and can't get hormone therapy and can't safely learn to lower your voice #and you have a couple irls who know about your actual identity but you're certain they don't actually see you as male #except your sister and your best friend #you have a woman's body and a woman's voice and are living a woman's life and nothing you do seems to ever change that #it all feels so fucking pointless sometimes. #figures. one of my classmates presented her essay draft today and it was about whether or not being queer was nature or nurture #and it really hit a nerve. because people don't actually care which one it is. if it's nature then they will find this hypothetical gene #and they will purge it. #if it's nurture then they will do anything to stop the ''gay agenda'' because lgbtq+ behavior is deviant behavior and is therefore immoral #they would do anything to prevent us. we are an illness #i'm so tired. so fucking tired. i know i'm not male and i know i'll never be male and i wish i could just accept that #idk why i keep clinging to the notion that i am male . what's all this for? #i choose to carry this burden as if i'll get anything out of it. as if my time and energy wasn't needed elsewhere #my work. my final paper. my health. i'm so tired #i just wish i could stop caring. #jun.log #negative

[nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius]

I am once again questioning reality

#i'm fine with defining myself as grey-ace for now because that's what it is. a grey area #but i wanna know what the grey area is aaaaaaah #my relationship with physical attraction is weird #because i'm very easily attracted to women based on physical characteristics alone #but i can only think of a couple of men in that case #99% of my significant male crushes have been related to personality #it's like. i'm attracted to both but it takes more for me to be attracted to a man than it is to a woman #i think this is why i never really had celebrity crushes. a whole wheelbarrow of fictional ones but celebrity ones??? hell no i don't know #and that clicked only recently #whenever my friends brought up celebrity crushes i always had to think about it for ages #because sure there are oodles of people that i think are hot but actual crushes?? meh #not counting fiction. in fiction my sexuality is all over the place #and this is why i'm thinking demi might describe me best #because in fiction it's what you decide you don't have to worry about the person not understanding you #fantasy sex hell to the yes #real-life sex mehhhhh #i remember this was one of the things i was worried about #that people might think i'm strange for liking the idea of sex with fictional people but not irl #or somehow faking it #but the peeps were talking about this and i was just like WAIT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE???? #that was a happy day #this isn't negative btw it's just me trying to articulate thoughts #it's like on the spectrum my identity is a blob #and i know for certain where the blob is #but i don't know where exactly i fit into the blob #i d o n ' t k n o w #and i'm not in a rush to figure it out #but i just find it funny to contemplate #high school me would have immediately shut these thoughts down #i was paranoid af about even considering the possibility of being Not Straight™️ so i just refused to entertain those thoughts