#also the entire call she kept saying shit like ‘it’s very normal for ppl with your conditions to have sensory issues it’s nothing

[yuribalisms]

So I answer this phone call, and the lady is like “I’m getting the documentation to approve this” and I’m like oh thank GOD but then she says “I have to order you specific ear plugs that the company approves of :)” and I’m like “wait ear plugs as in to cancel all noise” and she’s like “yes :)” and I’m like “no this was about ear buds or headphones, things being completely silent is just as bad if not worse for my sensory issues” and she gets real quiet and is like “I’m a going to have to talk to your doctor about this then for some more clarification” and I’m like HFDJSIDKJDKDJDK that is what the letter SAIDD it specified ear buds so I can play things that I know help regulate my sensory issues and it also said in the letter to contact my therapist if anyone had more questions why are we even having this conversation are you fucking stupid it’s already been a MONTH since I turned all this in and now I have to wait even fucking longer because no one can read and wants to be as difficult as possible

#also the entire call she kept saying shit like ‘it’s very normal for ppl with your conditions to have sensory issues it’s nothing #to be ashamed of 🥺’ #like girl…. I never said I was ashamed why are you saying that….. #also hate hate hate that she specified they had to be ‘specially ordered and company approved ear plugs sent directly to the warehouse’ #if they end up clearing this but do the same thing with ear buds I’m gonna lose my shit #just let me use MINE that connect to MY PHONE that I already HAVE that I like the adjustments on I’m BEGGING 😭😭😭 #also she kept specifying that I could use a ‘calming app’ or ‘calming noise’ maybe once I said ear buds #if they try and tell me I can only use ‘company approve software’ for this I’m going to LOSE my shit #like no if you try and make me listen to the fucking ocean or like smooth instrumental shit for eight hours I will snap and go insane #I regulate with screamo and metal and edm THATS what helps with my sensory issues #overly ‘calm’ things tend to make them WORSE #I’m just so tired….. like idk could we maybe just trust that disabled ppl know what they need for themselves more than randos who had like #two conversations with them and then decided this was ‘better’ #I’m so fucking tired #she also exclusively referred to me with my deadname the entire call #despite all my emails AND THE FUCKING LETTER FROM MY THERAPIST using my chosen name #like girl…. 😭😭😭😭😭 #I hate it here I hate this company I hate it so much its unreal #kaz rambles

[gwynrielendgame]

Gwyn x Nesta

This is not as edited as my other fics but I was just too excited to post. I would like to comment that I pretty much think every character is bisexual unless stated otherwise lol. I also recognize this piece could come off problematic (ppl thinking this is fetishization) I personally don’t think it is, but I welcome constructive criticism. I am bisexual and a SA survivor so I felt comfortable writing about those topics considering I have personal experience with both.

Thank you for the idea: @mercurianbisous @genya-berdara

“Hey Nes.”

Nesta jumped from her spot on the couch, closing her book as she did so. A small smile graced her face as she realized Gwyn was standing at the entry of the House of Wind library.

“Hey Gwyn, you scared the shit out of me.” Nesta chuckled as she put her book away. She patted the spot next to her, beckoning for Gwyn to join her. Gwyn knew she looked awkward standing there, twisting her fingers. Gwyn hesitantly took the spot.

“I have a favor to ask.” Gwyn managed to spit out. She needed to start somewhere and knew that Nesta would never judge her for what she was about to ask. She might turn her down, but she would never laugh.

Nesta simply raised a singular eyebrow at Gwyn. She leant back on the couch and flourished her hand as if to tell Gwyn to continue.

“I am only asking you because I know you are not interested in women, which is precisely why I cannot ask Emerie-“

“You are interested in Emerie?” Nesta asked nonchalantly. Gwyn felt relief at the lack of judgement, but annoyed at the interruption. She needed to get this out now or she never would.

“No. Listen to everything before you answer.” Nesta gave a shrug which Gwyn took as her agreement.

“I want to practice kissing, but there are no males that I trust enough to ask and I cannot ask females from the library. I figure if I practice enough it will not be so anxiety inducing for me. With everything that happened to me, I think it might be easier to start kissing females and work my way up to males. I think once I can kiss a male then I will know my trauma does not have that power over me and this is my really convoluted way of asking you to kiss me.” She snapped her mouth shut the second she finished rambling. She searched Nesta’s face for any emotion that might give away how she feels about the matter.

“ I did not think you fancied women.” Nesta said plainly.

“I suppose I have not paid much attention to any romance. But I would say I value the person over body parts.” Gwyn shrugged but her face was bright red from embarrassment.

“Okay, lay one on me.”

She gave a startled look to her friend, who was handling this much better than Gwyn was. The ease with which she accepted this made Gwyn inherently suspicious.

“Do you fancy women?” She looked at Nesta through narrowed eyes.

“Not particularly. But I love you Gwyn, and Cass won’t mind especially if it is to help you.” A very rare, coveted soft look blessed Nesta’s face. Gwyn found herself wanting to cry. She had not felt this type of companionship in years.

“I do not want you to feel obligated as my friend. I understand if you want to say no.”

“Do I appear as someone that feels obligated often?” Nesta asked with raised eyebrows. It made Gwyn giggle a little. Nesta grabbed Gwyn’s hand, forcing her to look at Nesta.

“Lay one on me, love.” Nesta’s face was beautiful as she smiled. It made Gwyn start to feel a little nervous. They were really doing this.

“I am going to start with my eyes open. It is easier to remind myself who I am kissing.”

“Okay.” Again, a soft smile graced her face as she used a soft voice. Normally Gwyn hated pity, but she appreciated Nesta being sensitive to the situation.

Even though her heart was beating out of her chest, she set her hands on Nesta’s shoulders and focused in on her lips. They were a standard set of lips. Medium sized, and smooth. Gwyn took one last deep breathe and shoved her lips against Nesta’s. They both could admit the kiss was awkward at best. Gwyn would take awkward over horrific any day though. She kept her eyes wide open while Nesta’s were closed. One may not even call it a kiss, really just two pairs of lips not touching. Neither of them moved a muscle. Gwyn realized it was because Nesta was letting Gwyn have complete control over the situation and that made her smile through the kiss. Once Gwyn was certain that no unwanted memories were waiting to overwhelm her, she puckered her lips and actually kissed her before pulling away.

“How was that?” Nesta asked.

“Terrifying.” Gwyn said with a grin. “Let’s try again.” She gave a sheepish look after a moments thought. “If that is fine with you?”

Nesta rolled her eyes before closing them and comically puckering her lips. Gwyn once again giggled before going in for a second kiss. Once again she started with her eyes open, but once her heart calmed down and she stopped worrying about the past, she closed her eyes. There was something comforting about kissing Nesta, it was not attraction or chemistry. Perhaps, love though. An intimate expression of platonic love that squeezed at Gwyn’s heart. It was easy to ignore the past when the scent of Nesta and books were so overwhelmingly comforting to Gwyn. When the feel of Nesta’s hands were so familiar. Or when her even breathes were so recognizable. Gwyn knew there was not a safer spot in the world than right by Nesta’s side. Gwyn decided to be bold and flick Nesta’s bottom lip with the tip of her tongue. It caused Nesta to squeak and open her eyes for a second before settling back into the kiss. Slowly, they both started deepening the kiss. A swipe of a tongue here, a turn of the head there. It was a nice kiss, mostly exploratory. Simply, Gwyn discovering her boundaries, deciding what might be too much. Gwyn lifted her hands to grip Nesta’s face, so that the kiss might be less awkward. Nesta kept her hands in her lap which Gwyn was grateful for.

The doors to the library burst open with an exuberant Cassian. Gwyn all but threw herself against the opposite side of the couch.

“Nes, I was thinking for tonight-“ he stopped abruptly at the sight he just walked in on. Gwyn thought his brain might be malfunctioning from system overload based on the expression on his face.

Gwyn suddenly felt very guilty. This must have looked much worse than it actually was to him. Gwyn briefly glanced at Nesta. While Gwyn was stiffly sitting on the sofa, Nesta was nonchalantly leaning against the arm of the chair from her spot. A small smirk rested on her lips. Cassian’s head had been comically bouncing back and forth from Nesta and Gwyn before resting on the latter.

“Are you trying to steal my mate?” He was trying to muffle a laugh and failing. Gwyn hid her face behind her hands as it flamed a brighter red.

“This is not what it looks like!” Gwyn muttered into her hands. Cassian sauntered right over to the couch and plopped himself between the girls.

“Do explain.” He nudged Gwyn with a smile on his face. She was glad he was not angry, but the last thing she wanted to do was explain. She looked to Nesta for help who ended up sighing very loudly.

“I was helping Gwyn with some intimacy problems.” Was all she gave as a response. Cassian dropped the smile and looked at Nesta with such a serious look that Gwyn wondered if she misinterpreted Cassian’s emotions. Maybe he was mad after all.

“Is Gwyn a better kisser than me?” He said it so seriously that all Gwyn could do was groan. Nesta giggled, which did not happen often, so Gwyn knew Nes was highly amused by the situation while Gwyn was mortified.

“Gwyn is the best kisser.” Nesta said earnestly.

Gwyn rolled her eyes as that as she continued to try and press herself as far into the couch as she possibly could. Cassian’s wings were still almost touching her and all she wanted was to disappear from this mortifying situation forever.

“Damn, now I want one. What do I have to do to get a Gwyn kiss?”

The teasing was too much for Gwyn to bare.

“Stooooop.” Gwyn whined as the mated couple tried to mask their laughter.

“Please, Gwyn?” He even puckered his lips at her. She knew he was joking, but she wanted it to stop and knew exactly how to get him to stop. Besides, this is the next level up on the intimacy scale for Gwyn with Cassian being a male and all. She quickly pressed her lips against his and pulled away just as fast.

A second later she realized how impulsive it was. She began forming an apology to both of them when she noticed they were both smiling genuinely. Gwyn rested her hands on her burning cheeks and looked away.

“I agree, Nes. She is the best.” Cassian replied as he threw both arms around the females shoulders.

“You two are the worst.” Gwyn whined as she realized they had teamed up against her to get her to kiss Cassian.

“I think this is means for celebration Gwyn.” Nesta ignored her complaints and continued smiling. “You kissed two people today and one was a male. Big accomplishments.” Gwyn huffed but could not stop the small smile that spread her lips.

“That is good.” Gwyn relented. Secretly she was glad that neither of them were upset.

“Before you know it, you will have made out with the entire night court inner circle.” Cassian joked. “I bet you could even manage to steal a kiss from Azriel’s shadows.”

“Well, they do like me.”

“Everyone likes you Gwyn. You are awesome.” Nesta held Cassian’s hand as they all sat on the couch.

Gwyn felt a punch to a stomach as she looked at their hands. It was longing, she discovered. She wanted to sit on a couch holding someone’s hand. She wanted to be so comfortable with a person that every move they made was in sync like Nes and Cass seemed. She sighed. One day she would get her happily ever after. There really was no rush.

#nesta acheron #gwyneth berdara #cassian #acosf #acotar

[crimsonhcadache]

      - ̗̀ NOW INTRODUCING:  IVES ❝ IVY ❞ SERRANO !

( DANNA PAOLA, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER, SCORPIO, 24 ) I just spotted IVES “IVY” SERRANO at the beach today. Don’t you know them? They live down by the TOWERS and usually hang out with the RICH KIDS & MUSICIANS cliques. From what I’ve heard, they can be DECEITFUL, but they’re also ADAPTIVE. I always think of them when i hear LAST LAUGH - FLETCHER and tend to associate them with STRAWBERRY CHAMPAGNE, A FRESH SET OF STILETTO NAILS, AND RED LINGERIE. ( tay, she/her, 22, est )

full name: natalie rose serrano ives serrano nicknames: ivy, poison ivy faceclaim: danna paola voiceclaim: lana del rey birthday: november 1st, 1996  zodiac: scorpio sun, aries moon, gemini rising sexuality: bisexual occupation: influencer, instagram model, musician, scammer / thief positive traits: effervescent, bold, creative, charismatic, coquettish, intuitive, ambitious, alluring, adventurous, perceptive  negative traits: cantankerous, deceitful, envious, manipulative, dramatic, stubborn, narcissistic, materialistic, reckless, quick-tempered character inspos: maddy perez euphoria, jackie burkhart that 70’s show, blair waldorf gossip girl, margo hanson the magicians, every lana del rey song ever, lucrecia montesinos and cayetana pando elite, rosa diaz brooklyn nine nine, the entire rose family schitts creek, jen harding dead to me

- ̗̀♡ — › background !

the main thing u need to know about ivy is that she is lying ! always !! her real name isn’t even actually ivy smh

she was born NATALIE ROSE SERRANO, to two working class parents in new york city. she knew from a young age that she was just supposed to be rich and famous, and that something had gotten mixed up somewhere and she was put in the wrong life.

in high school she got a scholarship to a fancy private catholic school, and that’s where she started to hone her craft of manipulating rich people. she would befriend all of the richest bitches at school and take advantage of everything that came along with it: vacations to far away places, stays in the family’s cabins and lake houses, even designer clothes that her friends no longer wanted and would gift to her, thinking it was their idea all along

as she grew up and got better at getting what she wanted out of people, her entitled attitude only got worse, driving a wedge between her and her parents, who kept waiting for her to develop a work ethic and kept being disappointed. a few months after she graduated high school, on her 18th birthday, her parents kicked her out of the house and cut her off, hoping that it would force her to grow up and take on any responsibility

but that plan backfired for them, her parents underestimating how truly stubborn natalie was. the day after her 18th, she wandered into a local strip club and got a job, figuring it’d be the easiest and quickest way to get some cash, and she took to it naturally and actually really enjoyed stripping

she started to embody an entirely new persona that she had created for herself, dancing under the name POISON IVY and telling everyone she was a trust fund baby that had been cut off from her rich parents, needing to dance to supplement her income, and her lies just continued to spiral out of control until she almost started to believe it herself. she had never told anyone at the club her real name, not even the other strippers, just going by “ivy” for a while.

she had learned to weaponize the power she had over people by being pretty and charming, using her looks for absolute evil and doing whatever it took to get money—from straight up pickpocketing, to making men buy her expensive gifts, to blackmailing, to sugar babying, to getting patrons wasted and manipulating them into tipping her absurd amounts… she did it all, very quickly earning enough to live the life she had always dreamed of, that she felt she deserved for whatever twisted reason.

she started posting on instagram with the name poison ivy generally just flaunting her carefree, extravagant life, often exaggerating or down right lying just to really dazzle her quickly growing audience

as she started to go down the influencer route, she realized she needed to do something to hide the skeletons in her closet ( the fact that she didn’t actually come from money and was making far more than was normal for even the best of dancers, a couple of small possession / shoplifting charges, and just generally anything that could lead people to her real identity ) so she started to tell people her name was ives, fully taking on the new identity. she even went so far as to make some of the people that had been closest to her sign NDAs about her real identity, making sure that no one could sell info about her should her plan of being famous work out

she also moved out to california to run away from everyone in the city that was starting to catch on to what she was doing, basically doing all the same shit but now in a New Place.. this was about 3-4 years ago, so she’s been in sunhollow for a while now doing the whole influencer thing !!

and it did work out !! at first she was definitely buying followers/likes to boost her likelihood of brand sponsorships, but eventually she faked it until she made it and actually attained influencer status. she then used her newfound internet fame ( and some classic blackmailing ) to get herself a record deal 

she also started sleeping around with pretty much any famous person she could, having very public relationships and breakups and scandals to keep her name in the press, which ultimately lead to more exposure/people following her, if only to see what she did next, which lead to even more sponsorships

eventually she stopped dancing and just focused on her influencing and more recently ( like... less than 6 months ago recently ) her music career. but she never stopped sugar babying and scamming rich stupid men, still very much using that as a means to keep up her lifestyle. she’s also done a few modeling things, but it’s mostly just like catalog work or being the face of a trendy campaign bc she’s way too short for the runway

she also recently made an only fans account bc she was bored one night and was mostly planning on posting once as a joke but then she made a bunch of money / got a bunch of subscribers and was like oh word ? i can do that ! so she will post on there from time to time but she’s not like… super serious about it ya know ? also her music label is big mad at her for it bc they’re like bUt yOuR rEpUtAtIoN and she’s like yeah.. but my bank account ? also it’s no secret she used to be a stripper so she rly just.. doesn’t give a fuck ! 

so basically she’s jus here making money being pretty and pulling a long ass scam on… everyone

- ̗̀♡ — › personality / headcannons !

she’s a real two faced bitch… she has perfected the art of becoming whoever she thinks other people want her to be, quickly adapting her personality to get whatever she wants

she’s usually pretty friendly actually, really charming and outgoing and just trying to have a good time

she has a pretty short temper tho and holds grudges like you wouldn’t believe, so once you’re on her bad side… good luck lol she is so ruthless

she’s like… deeply, deeply selfish and will always put herself first, but she’s so manipulative that she can make people do things that they think are their idea, but it’s really just something she planted in their head so it’s not always obvious

also very spoiled and will throw a mf fit if she doesn’t get her way or u say no to her

always going out !! always doing the most !! she’s the type to show up randomly at ur door at 8pm on a tuesday with a bottle of tequila and make u party with her whether u like it or not

she’s a lot smarter than she lets on sometimes, like she knows people expect her to be stupid and ditzy and shallow and she’ll let them underestimate her when it’s beneficial

always looks perfectly put together— her nails are always meticulously manicured, usually w stiletto shaped acrylics, and you’ll literally never see her outside her house without makeup and a perfectly composed outfit. it’s also a rare occasion that she’s not wearing at least six inch heels, trying to make up for bein so mf short ( she’s 5’3 )

she talks A Lot but is really good at saying a lot of words without actually saying anything, like you can be best friends with her for months and then just be like “i don’t actually know a single thing about her”

always up to no good and sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong !! she’s always got some sort of scheme going or getting in to some kind of drama

v much a hoe and v much proud of it, will sleep w just about anyone especially if she can get something out of it

also a serial dater !! she’s always hoping in and out of relationships and being rumored to be with a dozen people at once

most definitely calls paparazzi on herself, especially when she’s around other famous ppl but will never admit it

compulsive liar, she will literally lie about the dumbest things like she doesn’t even need a reason to lie she jus.. does

she has a luxury two bedroom apartment that she lives alone in ( one room is kinda a guest room but also mostly just a giant closet ) in the towers and the gag is she doesn’t even know how much her rent is bc one of her random sugar daddies pays her rent.. her power tbh 

- ̗̀♡ — › wanted connections !

hookups / flings / one night stands / fwbs all that shit !!

exes on bad terms … gimme drama pls

enemies / ppl she’s stolen from maybe… she would definitely deny it and say they’re jus jealous of her or smth stupid but that could make the feud worse

party pals !! like i said she goes out a lot and always somehow manages to make new friends and drag them into her shenanigans

on again / off again exes… i want the Angst so bad..

shallow friendships / influencer friends like they play it up a lot for insta bc they both have a pretty big following but they dont really... like each other that much ?? like they definitely seem to be a lot closer than they really are

pr relationships this could be past or present !! in the same vein as the last one except they pretend to date ( or maybe just act like they’re gonna date but never actually do ?? like to fuel rumors ) 

unlikely friends !! like ppl who are nice and sweet and Pure, she could use a lil good energy in her life

situationship / flirtationship like they’re super flirty and maybe hook up a couple times but everyone assumes they’re dating or like gonna date but they’re jus vibing. bonus points if one or both of them actually has feelings but can’t tell if they’re just friends / casually hooking up or if it could turn into something more.. im a slut for some mutual pining !!

neighbors … mb they hate her for always being loud n throwing mini parties OR maybe they join in

mean girl rivalries !!

someone she’s taking advantage of / stealing from without them knowing .. oof

partner in crime !!!

one sided crushes or like someone she’s stringing along smh

sugar daddies mb 😇

someone to put her in her mf place JDKDKD like they call her out on her bs and are like “i see what ur doing bitch stay away from my friends” type thing

idk anything really !! gimme all the messy plots ok :~)

#hqclique.intro #this is so long i jus have so much to say abt my favorite evil demon <3 #now to do mickeys .. which requires sm more rewriting .... pray for me #♡ — 𝐢𝐯𝐲 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐨 › 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 .

[ivyisms]

       - ̗̀ NOW INTRODUCING:  IVES ❝ IVY ❞ SERRANO !

( DANNA PAOLA, 24, CISFEMALE ) I just bumped into IVES "IVY" SERRANO the other day while walking down NORTH Kingsboro, where SHE lives. I hear they can be SEDUCTIVE and MANIPULATIVE, but when I think of them I immediately think about ROSE PETAL BLUNTS, STRAWBERRY CHAMPAGNE, AND SIX INCH STILETTOS.

hi hello it’s tay back again w another one of my demon spawn muses !! apparently chaotic bisexuals w fcs from elite is just my brand™️ but anyway ivy is probably my favorite oc i’ve ever made so i have A Lot to say abt this messy bitch !! if u go H E R E i have a very long stats/bio page with pretty much everything i could think of BUT i will try to summarize the main points semi-concisely

- ̗̀♡ — › background !

the main thing u need to know about ivy is that she is lying ! always !! her real name isn’t even actually ivy smh

she was born natalie rose serrano, to two working class parents in new york city. she knew from a young age that she was just supposed to be rich and famous, and that something had gotten mixed up somewhere and she was put in the wrong life.

in high school she got a scholarship to a fancy private catholic school, and that’s where she started to hone her craft of manipulating rich people. she would befriend all of the richest bitches at school and take advantage of everything that came along with it: vacations to far away places, stays in the family’s cabins and lake houses, even designer clothes that her friends no longer wanted and would gift to her, thinking it was their idea all along

as she grew up and got better at getting what she wanted out of people, her entitled attitude only got worse, driving a wedge between her and her parents, who kept waiting for her to develop a work ethic and kept being disappointed. a few months after she graduated high school, on her 18th birthday, her parents kicked her out of the house and cut her off, hoping that it would force her to grow up and take on any responsibility

but that plan backfired for them, her parents underestimating how truly stubborn natalie was. the day after her 18th, she wandered into a local strip club and got a job, figuring it’d be the easiest and quickest way to get some cash, and she took to it naturally and actually really enjoyed stripping

she started to embody an entirely new persona that she had created for herself, dancing under the name poison ivy and telling everyone she was a trust fund baby that had been cut off from her rich parents, needing to dance to supplement her income, and her lies just continued to spiral out of control until she almost started to believe it herself. she had never told anyone at the club her real name, not even the other strippers, just going by “ivy” for a while.

she had learned to weaponize the power she had over people by being pretty and charming, using her looks for absolute evil and doing whatever it took to get money—from straight up pickpocketing, to making men buy her expensive gifts, to blackmailing, to sugar babying, to getting patrons wasted and manipulating them into tipping her absurd amounts... she did it all, very quickly earning enough to live the life she had always dreamed of, that she felt she deserved for whatever twisted reason.

she started posting on instagram with the name poison ivy generally just flaunting her carefree, extravagant life, often exaggerating or down right lying just to really dazzle her quickly growing audience

as she started to go down the influencer route, she realized she needed to do something to hide the skeletons in her closet ( the fact that she didn’t actually come from money and was making far more than was normal for even the best of dancers, a couple of small possession / shoplifting charges, and just generally anything that could lead people to her real identity ) so she started to tell people her name was ives, fully taking on the new identity. she even went so far as to make some of the people that had been closest to her sign NDAs about her real identity, making sure that no one could sell info about her should her plan of being famous work out

and it did work out !! at first she was definitely buying followers/likes to boost her likelihood of brand sponsorships, but eventually she faked it until she made it and actually attained influencer status

she also started sleeping around with pretty much any famous person she could, having very public relationships and breakups and scandals to keep her name in the press, which ultimately lead to more exposure/people following her, if only to see what she did next, which lead to even more sponsorships

she’s probably been in kingsboro for a few years, living in a super fancy one bedroom apartment that she definitley doesn’t pay for ( she doesn’t even know how much her rent is tbh )

eventually she stopped dancing and just focused on her influencing or whatever, but she never stopped sugar babying and scamming rich stupid men, still very much using that as a means to keep up her lifestyle. she’s also done a few modeling things, but it’s mostly just like catalog work or being the face of a trendy campaign bc she’s way too short for the runway

she also recently made an only fans account bc she was bored one night and was mostly planning on posting once as a joke but then she made a bunch of money / got a bunch of subscribers and was like oh word ? i can do that ! so she will post on there from time to time but she’s not like... super serious about it ya know ?

so basically she’s jus here making money being pretty and pulling a long ass scam on... everyone

- ̗̀♡ — › personality !

she’s a real two faced bitch... she has perfected the art of becoming whoever she thinks other people want her to be, quickly adapting her personality to get whatever she wants

she’s usually pretty friendly actually, really charming and outgoing and just trying to have a good time

she has a pretty short temper tho and holds grudges like you wouldn’t believe, so once you’re on her bad side... good luck lol she is so ruthless

she’s like... deeply, deeply selfish and will always put herself first, but she’s so manipulative that she can make people do things that they think are their idea, but it’s really just something she planted in their head so it’s not always obvious

also very spoiled and will throw a mf fit if she doesn’t get her way or u say no to her

always going out !! always doing the most !! she’s the type to show up randomly at ur door at 8pm on a tuesday with a bottle of tequila and make u party with her whether u like it or not

she’s a lot smarter than she lets on sometimes, like she knows people expect her to be stupid and ditzy and shallow and she’ll let them underestimate her when it’s beneficial 

always looks perfectly put together— her nails are always meticulously manicured, usually w stiletto shaped acrylics, and you’ll literally never see her outside her house without makeup and a perfectly composed outfit. it’s also a rare occasion that she’s not wearing at least six inch heels, trying to make up for bein so mf short ( she’s 5’3 )

she talks A Lot but is really good at saying a lot of words without actually saying anything, like you can be best friends with her for months and then just be like “i don’t actually know a single thing about her”

always up to no good and sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong !! she’s always got some sort of scheme going or getting in to some kind of drama

v much a hoe and v much proud of it, will sleep w just about anyone especially if she can get something out of it

also a serial dater !! she’s always hoping in and out of relationships and being rumored to be with a dozen people at once

most definitely calls paparazzi on herself, especially when she’s around other famous ppl but will never admit it

compulsive liar, she will literally lie about the dumbest things like she doesn’t even need a reason to lie she jus.. does

- ̗̀♡ — › wanted connections !

hookups / flings / one night stands / fwbs all that shit !!

exes on bad terms ... gimme drama pls

enemies / ppl she’s stolen from maybe... she would definitely deny it and say they’re jus jealous of her or smth stupid but that could make the feud worse

party pals !! like i said she goes out a lot and always somehow manages to make new friends and drag them into her shenanigans

on again / off again exes... i want the Angst so bad..

unlikely friends !! like ppl who are nice and sweet and Pure, she could use a lil good energy in her life

neighbors ... mb they hate her for always being loud n throwing mini parties OR maybe they join in

mean girl rivalries !!

someone she’s taking advantage of / stealing from without them knowing .. oof

partner in crime !!!

one sided crushes or like someone she’s stringing along smh

sugar daddies mb 😇

someone to put her in her mf place JDKDKD like they call her out on her bs and are like “i see what ur doing bitch stay away from my friends” type thing

idk anything really !! gimme all the messy plots ok :~)

#kingsboro.intro

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

#yolanda talks #stories are much simpler. stories make sense and nothing complicates the narrative. but shits happen in life and things dont make sense #and you have to deal with it??? all the shit about yourself that makes sense? all that shit makes for shitty stories? #lmao............

[16-233]

On whether Only “Chinese/Chinese-American” actors should play “Chinese” characters

I see this discussion come up very often in the casting stage for shows, such as the debate of the father role in ABC's Fresh Off the Boat being played by a Korean American Randall Park, and how Jamie Chung wanted to audition for Crazy Rich Asians but was turned down because she wasn’t Chinese. 

So first of all, unless a segment in the show/movie requires the actor to speak Mandarin/Canto to his family, and the actor utterly fucking failed at the task and broke immersion for the viewers who speak Mandarin/Canto, the fact that he "looks not Chinese" would not fucking even matter. 

I’m only speaking for the Chinese “ethnicity/identity” here so don’t take this as me justifying Chinese actors taking Japanese roles if Japanese people have a problem with it. (Even though usually it’s because Japanese ppl looks down on Chinese and think we are unworthy of playing a Japanese person, but let’s not touch that for now)

It is possible to be ethnically “Korean” or a myriad of other things (such as Russian) and be Chinese. 

In the instance of the father in Fresh off the Boat, 朝鲜族 (Korean Ethnicity) is one of the 56 ethnicities officially recognized by the Chinese government, and there's almost 2 million of them in China (mostly in the northeast, but people migrate to Tier1/2 cities all the time).  

They've been living in China since the fucking Qing dynasty (and possibly earlier) and identify as "Chinese". 

“But the family in the show is Taiwanese not Mainland Chinese!!” you say?

Well, guess what, there's been this thing in the 40s called the Chinese Civil War. Like a bunch of people escaped to Taiwan with the KMT because the commies won and pretty much it's the entire fucking reason Taiwan and China are separate entities. People of all ethnicities were in the KMT army dudes. Do you know Qi Yu and her brother Qi Qin? If you are Taiwanese, ask your parents who they are, they probably know. They are both ethnic Manchus. If there are Manchu people in Taiwan (who may or may not have--but most likely have--immigrated there with the KMT because the ancestral land for the Manchu people are way up north... in fact, there’s a border dispute between South Korea and China because the Korean “holy mountain” and the Manchu “holy mountain” is the same thing) then there's no reason why the father in the show couldn't be ethnic Korean. (Even if during the war, most ethnic Koreans sided with the Communists... according to the Communists. lol.)

Plus, it is completely possible for a Taiwanese person of Northern Chinese descent to have Korean blood in them and still be unaware of it and identify as Han or Man.  

由于地缘和中国与朝鲜半岛历史上的紧密关系，朝鲜族长期在中国东北地区或聚居或与其他民族杂居。早期到来的朝鲜人多汉化或者旗化，归化为汉族或满族。中国现代朝鲜族大多是19世纪后迁入中国的朝鲜族人的后裔。

Due to proximity in geography and the close history between China and the Korean Peninsula, Korean people has been living in the Chinese Northeast in self-segregated and integrated communities for a long time. The earliest arrivals had mostly assimilated with the Han or Manchu, and identify as ethnic Han or Manchu. The contemporary "Ethnic Koreans" are often descendants of the immigrants that came after the 19th century.  

(x) 

This is not a case of "all Asians are interchangeable", that's equivalent to, like, casting a Han Chinese person to play an Indian person (or a Malaysian or Filipino, but that gets messy because there are actually people of Han Chinese descent living in those countries) or casting a Korean person to play a Thai character (also can get messy because there are a good number of pale Thai people... but you get the gist). A korean person playing a Chinese character is no different from a British person being cast to play a German, or a Swede being cast to play French--or some other generic "white" nationality.

It's different than casting an Indian actor to play Han/Han-resembling Chinese... which would be like casting a fucking ginger to play someone from the Mediterranean.

Let's not pretend Koreans aren't already playing people of Han Chinese descent in CHINESE dramas. There's 蔡琳, who actually changed her name from 朴蔡琳 (Park Chae-rim) so that her name would sound more "Chinese" to get her career to take off in China. And I really dunno why she chose to do that because Park Hae-jin did plenty well (he was in a couple of Chinese dramas in 2011, before he did My Love From The Star) without changing his name. Then there's Choo Ja-hyun and many more lesser-known Koreans working in the Chinese entertainment industry. 

On the reverse, there are also tons of ethnic Han Chinese actors working in Korea, like Song Xi and Han Geng. 

So the precedent has already been set and it wasn't set by white people.

Chinese people don't all look like what the Han ethnic look like. China is a civilization-state made up of 56, again, 56 different ethnicities. Someone can appear middle-eastern and be Chinese. Someone can appear Persian and be Chinese. Someone can appear white and be Chinese. 

See this person? 

She doesn't look "Chinese" does she? Well she is. She is a Tajik living in the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region, and before you say "Xinjing is not part of China"... if she doesn't identify as Chinese, then why the fuck is she working in the Chinese police department (anti-terrorism division)? It's perfectly normal for someone to be Tajik or Uyghur and self-identify as Chinese, just like its normal for someone to be ethnic Han and believe in Uyghur/Tibetan Independence. (Though the Xinjiang situation is WAY messier because there are many more ethnic minorities in that region, not just Uyghurs, and the Uyghurs are laying claims to certain lands inhabited by the Kazakhs and Tajiks, plus some Uyghur identify as Chinese (for example, the capital Ürümqi is divided between two sides, the south side is inhabited mostly of Uyghur with separatist sentiments while the North is inhabited by people who believe in unity with China.))

The tajik people look like this:

More photos from an English source here, and their histories here. 

If you are Han Chinese, they probably look nothing like you, but they are not LESS Chinese than you. Their ancestors have been living in the land that's been under the rule of Tang, Yuan, Ming, Qing, and People's Republic of China.  

In fact, the Tajiks are actually famous for being extremely patriotic since the Tang dynasty. They were autonomous but was akin to a vassal state and kept their sworn oath to the Emperor of "China" during many foreign invasions. 

Speaking of Russians... It's also possible to be ethnic Russian and be Chinese. Guess what, "Russian" is one of the 56 ethnic groups! They live in northern China and mostly Northeastern China, however, there are groups of them in the Xinjiang region.  

(look at dat Haier brothers sticker on their cabinet XD dat is so 90s Chinese...)

The ethnic Russians first came to China in the 18th century, and more of them came in the 19th century due to turmoil in their homeland. Some of them married with Han or Mongol and became more mixed, while some of them still looks... Russian.

The Tartars are also an ethnic group living in Western China. 

So if a show was about a girl from the far north or northwestern China and they hired a Russian girl, if she could speak fluent Chinese (with Dongbei accent =w= ), it’s not AS problematic as, say... Emma Stone playing a white-passing hapa in Hawaii. 

What about South-east Asians playing “Chinese”?

These are the Wa people of southern China. Who looks like this:

(more on google image)

A southeast Asian actor could probably play a Wa Chinese (who would be from southern China), because there are Wa people in Thailand and Vietnam and Myanmar/Burma.  

For certain ethnic groups, sometimes they identify with their ethnicity first. So say a Wa person moves to America, he or she might identify with other Southeast Asians of the same descent and simply say she's "wa" instead of "Chinese", while some will say they are Chinese. I've seen Hakka Chinese from Fujian identify as Hakka first when asked, instead of Chinese, even though the Hakka people are often regarded as the "purest/oldest" Han-Chinese lineage in China (because northerners mixed with the Xianbei people before Tang and Mongol/Manchu people after Song and Ming). 

Using "Chinese" as a racial signifier to mean "Han and Han-passing ethnic groups" when you are Han Chinese is as messed up as a white person saying his "race" is "American". "Chinese" indicates where you come from and it's an indication of culture sphere/assumption of lineage (again, it is the ASSUMPTION of lineage. It's like picking out a dude in a crowd and using "he" pronouns for him because cis people account for like over 90% of the population). It is NOT the end-all be-all of one's outward appearance and ethnicity.

The actual Chinese word for "people of Chinese descent" is 华裔. It comes from the world 中华, which is derived from 华夏. "华" started as Han-exclusive, and it was meant to contrast against all other groups of people who were given derogatory names (such as 蛮夷, 鞑子, etc) because they were considered barbaric and uncivilized. (i.e 服章之美谓之华,有礼节之大故称夏)

This word hasn't been Han-exclusive since Han people started assimilating other ethnic groups (we were doing white people shit before American white people did white people shit) during their expansion or when Han people are conquered. (For example, a group of Xianbei people conquered the Han people but their leader commanded his people to learn the Han language and culture and pretty much assimilated his people with the Han, the same group of people went on to become the Sui and Tang dynasties.) 

“华人”一词最初指汉族，但随着华夏文明扩展到全国各地，“华人”的概念渐由当初单指华夏族，扩展到受中华文明影响的周边少数民族身上。并成为了全体中华民族之人的代称，其下包括了“中国人”以及海外“华侨”。

"Hua ren" at first meant the Han ethnic, but as Chinese (Huaxia) culture spreads, the definition of "Huaren" became inclusive to the minority ethnic groups that were influenced by/assimilated into the culture, it became an identifier for all who identify as Zhong Hua Min Zu (Chinese National or of Chinese National Origins). 

Like literally the meaning of “Chinese” in the Chinese sense is super blurry and made even blurrier in English because there just isn’t the vocabulary for it. In the Spring and Autumn Annals (春秋), the definition of being “Chinese” is literally: ”夷狄用諸夏禮則諸夏之“ (If a barbarian uses the etiquette of the Chinese nation, he is Chinese) So like, according to this definition, if a white person who follows Chinese customs in life can self-identify as Chinese. I know some people must have an aneurysm with this but like, I didn’t make the rules.  

Words like "Chinese American" "Chinese Singaporean" and "Chinese Indonesian" indicate where one's ancestors came from. One can be Miao (note here for Hmong readers) and "Chinese Singaporean", one can be Buyi and "Chinese Indonesian".

If you use "Chinese" to signify something specifically Han, and especially in a context regarding one's appearance, even if you don't mean to be racist (because remember, the original Han-exclusive definition of "hua" automatically assumes superiority over other ethnic groups, and the whole reason Hmong people outside of China would like to be referred to as Hmong instead of "Miao" has to do with this exact issue) and exclusionary, it can be racist and exclusionary. Either you use "Chinese" to mean all people who identify as Chinese and are recognized by the Chinese government as Chinese, or you say "Han Chinese" or "Hakka Chinese" or "Hmong/Miao Chinese" instead of using simply "Chinese" when you mean han + han-passing. 

It's exactly like saying "Asian" when you just mean "just East Asian, not the brown people", like... just don't. 

#chinese culture #chinese media #chinese ethnicity #whitewashing #diversity in media #randall park #jamie chung #representation in media

[theharellan]

RP POSITIVITY MEME

DAY 14: FREE DAY!

so this whole week i’ve kept myself from mentioning joly when possible. i promo joly on my dash every day. my very existence is a joly promo. it was mostly a way to make sure that i gave other people attention, and also b/c i saw the last day was a free day and wanted to use it to write about how much i love joly’s characters.

if it weren’t for joly i doubt i’d still be here. that’s not to say that i didn’t love rping solas beyond what i have with joly, but after my hiatus it was the desire to rp with joly again that really brought me back. and i’m so thankful for that b/c it’s allowed me to meet ppl like merc and lisa and kae, ppl who either weren’t around or i didn’t know before. also just when i was having a rough time last year and whenever i’ve had a rough time since then joly’s been there for me. they’re a really special person, who deserves even more kind words written about them than their characters do. but if i keep going i’ll probably make myself cry.

suffice to say if you like my blog, then you have joly to thank. not just for me being here, but how their ocs have shaped my solas. i cannot recommend joly’s blogs enough. they don’t have as much time as they did to write, but it doesn’t make them any less dedicated to their characters as someone who posts a dozen things a day.

before i get to their actual blogs, i want to talk about the npcs or characters that no longer have rp blogs.

first, deshanna. i’ve loved how they made a mother who is flawed and sympathetic, and who i don’t feel 100% good about solas disliking her in modern. it’s my secret desire to be able to rp in a thread where she’s npc’d one day, either in modern or batb. next, layne. what a piece of shit. i don’t know TOO much about layne, and i’m in this position where i want to know more but also i dread it. hoping one day solas and mio can shank him. and then, june. june had a blog (and may again one day??) and he was a fuckin hermit mamma’s boy that was too boring for fen to want to have anything to do with. joly’s recently been toying with some ideas for his character that i think only strengthen what they have, and i’m excited.

@ancientimpudence -

mio is petty. mio is mean. mio is stand-offish. mio is loyal. mio is driven. mio is honest. i love mio.

if you want a character who is flawed and not always nice, you’ll love mio. they’re a really good example of how you can make a character not always be a very pleasant person, but still get plenty of rp mileage off of them and develop meaningful relationships. how two characters’ relationship can somehow be incredibly deep and yet broken. i love what joly and i have built for mio and solas, two ancient friends who aren’t always the best friends.

i could really talk about about their relationship. solas goes through a period where he becomes very empathetic and in-tune with the problems of everyone around him, but mio’s somehow always escape him. i love the gap, and i love how it’s both not his fault b/c mio hides how they feel, but also he needs to do better by them. i love how mio wants what’s best for solas and their cause, while simultaneously suggesting things that actually wouldn’t be best for solas, because mio isn’t omnipotent and is also, to an extent, still trying to keep solas as he was.

i love how mio doesn’t like ian but is still there to help him. i love how mio expresses themself in ways not everyone understands. i love how modern mio has purse dogs and brings vher food b/c they spent all weekend playing the sims.

and vher / mio?? one of those ships that just kinda happened. one of the best things about talking to joly about characters is how often two just kinda cling to one another. vher is aro and can’t return the romantic feelings mio feels for them (and open enough to be accepting when mio finds romantic love elsewhere) but they still care for mio so much. everything about mio that i listed above, even the petty and vain stuff, vher loves. also sometims vher decides they wanna kiss mio and i can only imagine what it does to the poor child.

basically, what i’m getting at here is, joly lets mio be flawed but also shows how those flaws can still lead to positive interactions. joly lets mio be unadmirable at times, but still likeable and lovable. joly introduced some extra diversity in background to the rebellion and i’m eternally thankful tbh.

@betterthanmaps​ -

harding is one of those characters everyone adores, and so it makes sense that joly, one of the most adorable ppl on the planet, chose to write her. i love seeing characters with stable and normal backstories. harding is just such a steady influence, and i’ve loved seeing her contrasted with the sad backstories most canons and ocs possess. which i wanna be clear isn’t a criticism of sad backstories! i merely mean that it’s also nice seeing variety. not everyone has had a past that has made them cruel or kind, some people were raised by caring parents and lived simple lives until they heard the call to adventure. those people are just as interesting and worthy of telling stories about.

joly’s harding reminds me somewhat of tolkien’s hobbits, i suppose, now that i’m writing this out. and they’re some of my fave characters in literature. only w/ harding we also get fun dragon age dwarfy lore-- someone who is as un-dwarfy as varric but not quite so loud about it and we get actual queer representation.

@spiritualjourneys​ - 

i adore spirits? i do not adore how the fandom treats spirits. things like treating human cole as superior to spirit cole, rather than a person making different choices, both paths making them happy, even if one is for reasons we can’t all understand. pinning everything wrong with anders in da2 on justice. assuming lord woolsey, an innocent spirit-ram who has done nothing but help, has always been a rage demon (even tho the ways in which he has been shown to help the family that adopted him aren’t typical rage-related qualities) but ANYWAY.

the point is, spirits are given something of a raw deal by the fandom and are almost always judged by their ability to conform to human standards. joly’s spirit multi is fuckin fantastic and making spirits different and complex and alien, while also familiar and very much people rather than set pieces in the stories of others. though all of them started out as npcs created by either joly (love, sincerity), myself (joy), or bioware (wisdom) it took joly no time at all to establish their stories. love and joy especially...

what i appreciate about love is the path they took to get where they are. how they weren’t always love, how they focus upon a specific kind of love, how they can’t always see when love is best working past. though i’ve only just started rping peace, i’m in love (get it) with the dynamic the two of them have formed. how they balance one another out and keep one another from straying too far into their own interests, and thereby corrupting themselves. it’s a dynamic that i wasn’t expecting at all when i made peace as an au to my zenyatta blog, but i think that’s the amazing thing about writing with joly. something falls into place and then it grabs you and the idea just won’t let go.

and as for joy, it’s probably the least developed of the spirits, having no form that’s recognisably alive nevermind a person. but it demonstrates well, i think, how “humanity” in elvhenan wasn’t defined by shape. when solas says he dislikes when people see him as just a pair of pointed ears, and that he doesn’t necessarily identify much with modern elves, the idea is expressing multiple things. one of them, i think, is that being an elf sometimes meant being a physical body with pointed ears, but sometimes you could just be bubbles and you’d still be considered a valid member of elvhen society. joy doesn’t exist as we do. joy forgets, joy prefers to never touch the earth, and it exists in a state of cycles to keep itself from becoming something like despair. joly depicts the beauty and the drawbacks of existing in this state and i’m just??? so glad they decided to write joy. b/c they do it more justice than i ever could.

@paragoninexile -

tam’s new blog isn’t fully set up but i wanna talk about her anyway. tam is a good hero and a good person, and in many ways sort of made to be a hero. when i found out about tam i was rly excited simply b/c she was very much like my warden, only with so much more care and thought put into her that now she’s basically replaced my canon warden in my heart.

i think my favourite thing about tam is how much of a front she puts up for everyone. crowning bhelen, even if it meant the death of another father figure. recruiting loghain, even if it meant losing her friend or possibly lover. it shows that even neutral good heroes still have to make decisions that could be considered ruthlessly practical. bhelen is not necessarily the better choice morally, especially not as an aeducan (especially especially not as an aeducan who doesn’t kill trian). i imagine tam knows that crowning him will have dire consequences not just for harrowmont, but the entire harrowmont line. she does it anyway, not because she wants to, but because for orzammar it’s the best choice.

i’ve loved finally having a chance to write one of my fave dragon age ships: gorim/aeducan. i have a weakness for ships who have been together since they were only young, and the progression they take in the au is so good?? being able to find freedom for their love in a life that is literally killing tamar, and the reason they only get 12 or so happy years together rather than 50. but tam is so good that i’m honestly proud to be able to give her those twelve years with gorim. one day i’m gonna make joly hurt w/ thoughts about the kid gorim adopts after tam dies and who he tells them all about. 8)

@cadashsmash -

cadri i think was the first joly character i interacted with, though i believe i remember ian from way way back when i tried rping merrill and couldn’t quite get a foothold like i did with solas and thora.

i’m in love with dwarves u all should know this, so ofc i’m in love with cadri. i love how rough around the edges she is, how she tries to do the right thing, and how doing so can lead to some messed up shit like killing abelas. the work joly’s done with reaver lore is perfect, working with how dirty and raw the specialisation is without making it too hardcore for an inquisitor to ever hope to specialise in it (stop assuming all reavers are cannibals fandom smh). one of my fave threads on thora continues to be the post-battle thread where both are recovering from the drawbacks of their own specialisations and clash because of them. it’s just a really unique idea that is what makes writing with joly so... rounded? like i’m never just writing one thing with joly. they push me as a writer in the best possible way.

overall cadri is just a rly excellent character who, like tam and harding, do credit to dwarves that the series doesn’t always. i’ve loved exploring how differently her and thora react to their position in life, i’ve loved seeing cadri’s anger or indifference towards dwarven society. it’s so valid and realistic and good. i’ve loved exploring the specific ways in which she bucks the presumptions solas has about dwarves, how even in universes where she’s not inquisitor her individuality is still nothing he expects from her kind and how she changes him anyway. i also will always be fond of this being their friendship song.

cadri: hey solas, what d’you call a flower before it opens? solas: a bud. cadri: I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BUD. solas: UGHH.

@dalishfreckles -

it’s really hard to not write a post just about ian, honestly. all of joly’s characters are special to me, but i won’t deny ian is my favourite and has a very important place in my heart. if i were to truthfully answer those top 5 fave characters questions, ian would be on there no question.

as someone who goes through some of the same struggles as ian, he’s inspirational. seeing him struggle to keep surviving, to keep loving, to keep helping even when everything inside him is screaming to stop. i love seeing him make mistakes, honest ones or ones born of anxiety. b/c anxiety is more than just hating yourself or having trouble talking to people, although that is very real. sometimes anxiety can cause you to project some really terrible things onto people, things that aren’t really fair to them.

when i see ian doing things like... projecting his own feelings of worthlessness onto solas, assuming he must think the same rather than giving solas a chance to explain? it’s realistic, and it’s not good. it’s trying to pull people into the same destructive game you do to yourself. it’s also realistic, esp since in the thread i’m referring to solas fucked up and has shit to apologise for. idk, it’s just really comforting to see ian pull the same shit that i do, but knowing he’s still a good person and that i love him is an act of self love.

ian’s an important character for so many reasons, that i could probably write a 20 page thesis on him and his development / how much he means to me. i���m proud of him so much. i’m proud when he finds the strength to tease solas, i’m proud when he stands up for himself, even when he’s standing up against the people he loves. especially when, tbh. how as he grows he can see inara’s faults but doesn’t hate her for them, and tries to help her, when he’s under no obligation to. how he still tries to connect with solas after solas coldly brushes him off the first time ian admonishes him. and i love how joly shows it’s not easy. none of it is. and that ian has to keep choosing to be good, it makes everything he does that much more meaningful.

finally, ian isn’t a hero, necessarily. he’s not the sort of person people tell stories about, which is one reason i love the solas/ian pairing so much. it’s really all about the person for solas, and ian is just so much about what solas loves about people. it’s not always about battles and heroes, sometimes it’s just about a person who has the patience and love in them to make a tree grow in the middle of a desert alienage. sometimes the most wonderful things about people are the little, radical things they do for themselves and those they love rather than how they change the world.

this has gotten to be very long, and probably rambling, but to be fair to me this is like two weeks of joly-positivity i’ve been holding in.

i’ll probably be doing one more free day tomorrow, even if today is the last day, just to do a v general positive post for those i follow. but i wanted to take at least one day to credit the person who has inspired me with their words and characters. like. this was just their characters? i didn’t even get a chance to go into the ways joly’s prose shines, how it’s descriptive and yet never difficult to comprehend. how many different types of plots they’re here for.

but to make a long story short, joly is an incredibly talented writer. i’ve said this before, but i can look back on things i’ve written years ago with joly and still like what i wrote (as well as what they wrote but that should go w/o saying), which is a rare feeling, simply b/c joly lets me access the best writer in me. we often here in the rpc use “muse” as a shorthand for “character we write that inspires us” and i’ve found it a difficult word to rly use-- simply b/c joly and their characters are as much my muses as my own characters. at least in the sense that thinking about them inspires me to write.

tl;dr- pls follow and write with joly. b/c the only thing i love as much as writing with joly is reading what they write with other people.

#[ sure do hate this tumblr glitch ] #( positivity ) #dalishfreckles #( ooc ) #rpc positivity week

[freshfromthegraveyard]

Bullying.

Super random.

As a kid who was bullied less by other students and more so by teachers.

I was bullied for my brain not matching my exterior. Being an embassy brat, when I came to the US for school I often was and still act like a foreigner in my own country. But I am a blonde white girl. So this was never well received. Not grasping certain things was seen as an act, or attention seeking. If I had the nerve to correct a teacher on something about a country I lived in. I was shot down in a publicly humiliating manor to ensure I knew my place. If I looked like someone from that country I gurantee they would have actually opened up the floor for me to discuss my homeland.

When I did start gaining weight due to an emotional trigger. I did still for some reason always maintain confidence in other areas. Like I knew I was getting chubby and fatter. But was like meh, whatever I'm still smart, funny and can draw. Heck I'm still a beast in PE. Running sucks but I can still do other shit. So I wasn't always picked last. I still had friends. If my weight was mocked I kind of got it and was like yah I did get fat but I can loose it. I was always active so it was never hard to lose a lil chub. Sadly I did go way past chub into super fat town and man losing that shit was hard and daunting. Still was the same me no matter what school I went to. Still made friends.

The only people I got super offended by when they made fun of my weight was the teachers. Because again, your an Adult picking on a kid. That is a low blow a cheap shot. Remarkably my bad grades have nothing to do with being fat. I don't go home and be like oh donuts well no time for school work. I will always have a learning disability, and a massive sleep disorder. Meds do help. I hate being one of THOSE people who fall under the excuses department but it is like night and day. It is not as simple as stfu and pay attention. I even got mad at myself thinking I was dumb because of this. Like yup, those honors classes you take now are just because of the meds. Your actually an idiot. Why do you take those AND a special class, why do you still take your tests in the library or have to read in total silence? Your dumb that's why! So I went off my meds to prove a point. The point wound up being my grades dropped and everything was so much more of a struggle. The stress was awful. It was the stupidest thing I could have done to myself. But just in case other generations feel that learning disabilities are cop outs. Please know. They aren't. Infact some people get tested for adult learning disabilities and it changes their lives.

Anyway, on back to bullying.

At one school, when I was first gaining the weight. I still had friends. I was still given the frog eye because of my white girl forgienerism, thankfully at that time I was in a private school and the teachers did not bully me about it because new flash private schools get military brats. Though I always had to write papers on countries I hadn't been to. Good call actually.

But here is the kicker. Though my bullying did not really start until public schools. Again I cannot stress enough that what was done by teachers was far more damaging then anything some kid could say.

I did, possibly unlike some bullied.

I always noticed who else was bullied.

I'm an odd lil bird in that, while I could be entirely self absorbed and be all about me. I remember who and why other kids for bullied.

I bet most people will think since I got bullied for being plump I only root for body positivity of the plump sort. You couldn't be more wrong.

The ONE person who had it the worst at the private school, was a tall lanky girl. She wanted the same thing all us girls wanted. To be like the cool girls at the time. She was thin due to her incredible metabolism, and her height, she was shy, and due to being made stand out, only getting shier. She was one of the first people I remember talking on my first day of school other then Rosemary a girl who just was genuinely cute and nice. I've yet to meet a Rosemary who wasn't. I get a whisper from a fellow student not to talk to this thin girl too much. I'm like.....why? Their like, well she's just kind of strange. I'm like, I'm new, so logically I'm gonna be the resident strange kid for a while. But how is she strange exactly. She just seems quite. Their like exactly. I'm like, 11 and confused af. I'm like, wait why is being quite weird in a bad way? Before I could spit most of that out the teacher agree on my suggestion of being quite. Being a embassy brat, I had NO probably striking up new convos with perfect strangers. Ie kids at a school I just met. Before the hell that was HS. I was anything BUT shy. When you move around a lot you need to make friends fast. That and I was born not giving a shit and thinking I was the shit. Before the weight gain I assure you I was cute as hell with attitude to spare. So I was not entirely wrong.

I didn't let this why is silent bad thing go. I still talked to this mysterious thin girl. I sat with her at lunch. Prior to that I kept asking why her just being quite was bad. They said it just made them uncomfortable. I did ask the obvious of did it ever occur to you guys that you treating her weird makes her silent. Their like no she came that way. I couldn't argue because a lot of these kids did know eachother since kindergarten so ya know. They maybe right even if it is wrong. In case you have not guessed. Being raised an only kid, overseas you have bennies of being treated like an adult and being more logical then a kid the same age. Hence why I sound more adult in this story cuz I always was even if I still enjoyed childish endeavors *Like I still do*

Here is the heart breaker. The thin girl at lunch enjoyed my company. I made her laugh a lot that day and got her talking *novel concept when you reach out to someone* at the end of lunch though. She said, this was nice but ya know you shouldn't really hang around me the other kids will black ball you. I'm like yeah, I don't care. She's like no, you should. I appreciate it, but another group has tried and the other kids make life hard on them. I'm like well I extra don't care. I said your kind of in luck. I don't stay at schools very long so by the time they do that to me I will probably be moving. Plus being the new kid I will be resident weirdo for a while. I can play dumb for a long time and befriend the black balled.

I told her which, I don't get why. I said, being shy is the last reason someone should be pushed aside. Granted it took me a few times to get you to talk BUT I gotcha damnit *swearing in Catholic school woot* *at a whisper less woot*

So I made friends, with the very group she spoke of who had made efforts to friend her. I also was friends with other groups. Including 2 class clowns, 2 twin black girls who too me for forever to realize they were twins. I had one jerk kid who ironically was a pretty chubby dude to be so judgy about me being a chubby chick. But I still was friends with thin girl be damned. Needed a book shared in class and no one would share with her. ME! And don't be fooled our one class clown never had a homework buddy because surprise ppl thought he couldn't be serious. ME! I think the funniest thing that happened at that school was rainy day recess where class was divided up for games. Started up with normal dictionary teams. Then Okay Megan is really good at this, let's pair her with the one person who isn't. Okay still really good at this both drawing and guessing. Let's make the team's be class vs Megan. It's only fair. Sorry it still amuses me. My one glory day.

Back to bullying.

Though at the private school, bullying was far minimal. and kids really had to be imaginative. Since we all wore uniforms. Kids had to be like, well they make us laugh, but he's probably not serious about his hw. Woo. Wow. Lame. She's too quite. So lame. She's too smart. All of these are so damn lame. And let's face it none are bad qualities. Sorry the kid finds hw boring and is a quick whit. You actually have to be smart to be fast in humor. She's quite. So she's reserved and actually nice if you reach out. Your only too smart if you can't use your book sense.

Now, public school. Girl was made fun of for being too thin, having the nerve to go through puberty *ie acne* and also was very shy, if not stand offish, not dressing nice enough. If anything, id say she tried to look her worst regardless of what students said. I could go on about warning signs this child had. My mom caught them instantly. Did the school? NO

Turns out she was being molested by her stepdad. Like, srsly. My mom met her once and got it. Oy. So sad. I have a lot of guilt for not being able to communicate better with her though.

Anyway, another girl, got made fun of for having big boobs which she hated especially during PE. I don't blame her.

Yet another girl made fun of for being too thin. She was petite and had all brothers. So she was small and mean.

Another girl was shaped more like a guy and strong. She excelled in some PE sports but still made fun of.

Guys, same deal. If they had curly hair that's a pain to style. Chubby but not good at sports. And idky other kids care if you are good at grades or not? Like, we all have the same hw if you can spell congrats. Some ppl have dyslexia so ya know kindly fuck off.

Why does a grade make you popular or not?

It's odd to me. It's like, you need to get good grades but not TOO GOOD cuz then your too smart and it's also weird. Public school bullying. Lawd have mercy. Talk about a new level of awful.

Again, I was attacked publically by teachers. Who decided I was infact fat and stupid and somehow cheating at art?

I had art taken away from me as it was a distraction. Since I was bad at reading out loud all of my work was to be delivered in this fashion. I corrected a teacher on some foreign affairs, as he got locations, pronunciation, law, and well just a fucking lot wrong about a country I lived in for so long. I held myself back on so much but it was like he was getting everything confused with an entirely different country. For one thing he was still mentioning a city by it's old name. Like omg update

your book man!!! When I finally sad something he blew a stack and made sure everyone in the class was aware of how fat and ignorant I was.

When I told my parents. Boy did they come undone. At the parent teacher conference this same teacher said "if Megan would put down the donuts and study this wouldn't be an issue" yah my dad pinned him to a wall by his neck. Mind you this was after he had already

Made repeated digs at me, my family, and pretty much anything we could stand for. My parents also made the argument that if a student was a concert pianist or a ballet dancer. Would they take away their craft? No. So why take away my art? Both piano and ballet are considered art. Needless to say this battle of the teachers vs parents and all the horrible things they said and did was not over. Two shrinks were involved, and the state was called in. Their shrink and our shrink. The shrinks wound up agreeing and asked the state to come in for a learning disability test. Hence me first getting diagnosed. The shrinks also needed the teachers to understand something. They brought my mom in, since the one teacher now feared my father *not that my mom couldn't take him* the teachers sat down, the shrinks showed them pics of me thin and active and the dates. They show me chubby then thin again due to being an active kid. They then ask when my recent weight gain started. My mom didn't even hesitate she just took off her wig from cancer to reveal her bald head and said about when this happened. She said she was studying to finalize some culinary school work at a local college. She said she knows her daughter felt food was an emotional way to be close to her. My shrink said. Sometimes fat is better then too thin. You can lose fat. You can't undo the damages of too thin if bulimia sets in.

So you'd think the teachers would back off. Ha. No. That one male teacher persisted that everyone has problems and I needed to suck it up. I was now all of 12. He loved making fun of me. I also noticed, though I was his favorite to pick on. I was not alone. He hated anyone who could not read out loud flawlessly. He hated anyone who was not athletic and bragged about his triathlons to this day I get an eye tick around the word. Friend of mine was a solid A student. Read flawlessly outloud. But guess what she had some small kid pudge on her. The second her history teacher went into his class. There goes her straight As. She got a B- in his class. Never on tests with multiple choice, just written work and general performance. Ya know subjective stuff. Not shady at all. Mom got wind and had enough. She sat in his class one day. In my friends class no less. Not mine on purpose. She sat their and made fun of him the way he did us. She's like hey kids, I know this guy makes fun of all the students. Let's make fun of him the same way. Isn't he kind of short? Like really short. I met his wife, he must use a step ladder to kiss her. He's also bald. Notice how he only keeps pictures of himself in tight triathlon clothes or old pics with long hair. Think he's compensating for something?? Who keeps pics of themselves on their desk!?! My husband has his family. Self centered much?

And what's with those triathlons anyway?

We notice you hate fatties. Were you a fatty? Do you run from calories? Did a fatty break your heart? What is it? Why do you hate them So? She's like, actually, it doesn't matter. Whatever your problem is it should not be taken out on children. My mom continued. She's like, ya know why he picks on you kids. One your the only people smaller then him. Two he is to cowardly to stand up to other adults. My husband pinned him against a wall and his eyes nearly popped out of his head from terror. Yeah. All talk this little fart. He obviously was livid talking over her saying she can't do this, he's calling the cops for trespassing.

Apparently when she opened the room up to the kids to pick at him they had a bunch of weird shit they noticed he does. One kid said he's just jealous because everyone likes his wife as a teacher better. That's why he made her stay home with the kids or keep having a kid. She's like everyone liked her? Whole room was like best teacher award every year!

Lol this dude didn't speak for days he was just fuming. It got better when, guess what my mom met his wife and put on her best cute, sweet innocent lady routine. I remember walking to our truck, douche teacher behind me. *cuz of course I had to stay after in his class for some kind of punishment*

His wife was all smiles at my mom, looked over at him with such a look. My mom had an evil smile looking at him like. Checkmate mother fucker. I sat in the truck, waiting for her. Dressed daper. Smiling. She sets behind the wheel, we drive off. She's like well we tried the proper channels first. He made me play dirty but I assure you the war is over.

So, turns out, his wife was a loved teacher BECAUSE she had a lot of patience for her students and taught both standard and kids with learning disabilities. So to say she was understanding is an understatement. I mean, my mom didn't know this when speaking to her. It was actually a whim, when she saw her while waiting to pick me up and just got to talking.

Anyway, the point of this INSANELY long post.

Is as a kid that was not so much bullied by peers as much as by teachers. I also was not always bullied about my weight as much as just being considered an attention seeking liar THEN my intelligence and weight was thrown in for extra damage.

It is true, the book by its cover. I am still a foreigner in a American white girl body. I still have some wires crossed. I still don't know all customs or referrences. My spelling is bad. My accent isnt. Family was 2 people. My perspective is Global. Africa, Asia, an American Farm is my background.

Bullying, just cuz I got fat. Doesn't mean I didn't see the people who got made fun of for being too thin. Before I stopped struggling in school. I noticed kids got bullied for their grades. As if the school and parents are not going to add enough pressure. If you have a talent that is not a sport or a musical instrument. You are not of value. Which is funny in a society that worships actors and models. All of whom rarely look a thin like they look like now in school.

There have been a lot of school shootings over the years. I remember when Columbine happened.

Remember early on in my status of the thin girl? Regardless of people telling me again and again that I would be some social pyria for being nice to her. I still did it. Over and over. I did more to make myself look stupid then she ever could have. Nothing ever happened to me because of her. Even if it had. I wouldn't have cared. Because I had a friend in her. We would at least be weirdos together was my logic.

If you make the effort. More then once. Because some shells are really hard to crack. Because some people have been hurt a lot. At least you tried. In COLLEGE none the less. My roommate and I met quite possibly the most socially awkward creature alive. We tried repeatedly to make friends or at least make peace with this creature. To no damn ivale. Senior yr this person asked me why no one likes them. I told them that wasn't fair because we all have made efforts to involve them in groups, shinnangans, hang out, we even through JUST them a birthday party. We have all made the effort. It's a two way street. I said basically you want friends like robots. You want us to turn on when you want us and power down in an instant when you are done with us and offer nothing in return. You also cannot be rude to ppl and expect forgiveness when there is really no foundation or trust built. We can say honest things because we know that friend is a friend and is sincere and cares for our best interest. You tend to think blurting out something offensive saying no offensive it's just my opinion and smiling is some how okay. It's just awkward.

So in that particular occassion. 4 years. My friend and I, as well as others. Genuinely tried to make friends or something with this person. Some people just want or view friendship differently. They may find a perfect fit later who is not you. But DAMNIT you tried. With bullying I just want people to reach out.

And if you see someone IN THE PROCESS of being bullied. Get off your ass and intervene.

Believe it or not, confusion is a great tactic.

Say 3 ppl are picking on a kid at lunch in your school. You could approach and interupt. You do not have to get personal. If they pick on you next. Point that out. Like what tools they are that that is all they can do. Bring friends over to help break it up. Honestly when I say confusion is a great weapon I mean it. Make up gibberish and start talking like that. Speak another language the bullies won't know. Anything that will just frustrate them and make them leave. Essentially your goal is to not engage with them, be as annoying as possible and make them leave. Another strategy is to be as agreeable as possible, so sickeningly friendly that they also lose their momentum. Gauge your situation, the energy and see which would work best. They sound absurd but diffusing a situation is far better.

The key is, don't sit by and let someone suffer.

Don't join in. Also guess what. As juicey and fun as gossip seems especially in school. Guess what, it's usually lies and incredibly harmful. If you partake you are an accessory to bullying. Shocking I know.

Learning how stop gossip in it's tracks when you are young is a great life lesson.

Sadly you will run into gossip at all stages of life. So stopping it, ...as best you can. When your young. Can safe a life!

The thing about gossip. If people don't have good dirt on someone, they will make shit up. Movies like Mean Girls and Easy A point this out. I've heard gossip about myself or friends and some is almost laughable how ridiculous it is. But going up to someone and being like hey is it true this that or the other. Or treating them different all of a sudden. As if we also don't hear the whispers.

Gossip is just a form of bullying. So think about it as being an accessory to a crime. It is equally as serious. Like a crime, you have the power to stop it.

So many people talk of the mass shootings, what about the kids who are as young as 8 taking their own lives due to bullying.

I really cannot stress enough, to please, if you see someone being bullied. Help that victim in the moment. Step in, bring back up. Be confusing. Be nice. Be whatever it takes to save a life or lives.

Also it is clear the bullying is caused from something. Usually bullies are being bullied themselves or have some sort of problem.

I remember reading one story of a bully who came unhinged over the smallest thing. Would lie in wait and actually burned another child with scalding hot water. Now that story was a case for mental illness. Which brings me to a situation. If a person is a bully and being bullied by someone else. Like another sibling, a parent, or so forth. That is rough because really not everyone can afford counseling which is what that would require. Next if someone is displaying violence due to a mental illness that too would require counseling, psychiatric and possibly medication down the road. All expensive.

It's not fair that mental healthcare of any kind is a luxury. When no one chooses to have mental health issues. Most insurance companies only allow so many visits. Not nearly enough to scratch the surface of a garden much less the human mind. Plus if medication was involved, that is such an arguous process. Any mental health medication is a huge battle of trial and error and all medications take a while to get into your system. For one to be properly judged for mental health, has to be in your system long enough for you to have had your moods elevated. Essentially were you challenged at all in 6 months time? Did you have a reason to get angry, or be depressed. Anything to trigger mood swings to see how the medication altered your brains reaction.

I mean damn. That is a lot to wait for, and rarely does the first shoe fit.

After working in a local ER. I realized how sad, and how many holes are in our health care system. How long people have to wait to see anyone. How long for a room to become available. How short your treatment is.

At the same turn. When you come across none feeling bullies. The type they tell young kids to kill themselves. That hound them every day and night. Stalk them on any outlet they can find. Because they have nothing better to do then bring one person misery. When do they become accountable?

I do believe some bullies need help to stop the cycle. I also believe some have shown signs that they live a charmed life, are not bullied themselves and show no signs of a mental illness. They have admitted to just being board. *maybe the mental illness is in the path family ;>_>*

Anyway, for those few bullies that qualify. I just wonder if they should be held accountable for say a wrongful death. If the person they taunted or catfished killed themselves.

I often think that because bullying has no consequences that that is why it continues.

That if it had something truly scary to face. Maybe then kids would cut the shit.

We all know, those who have been bullied. That if you talk to an authority figure. Absolutely NOTHING happens. You still get bullied.

ladies. Hahaha isn't that rich?

And what of those rare occasions where those teachers where beaten by students on a gang like scene? What then?

Or in reverse in my situation? Where I was bullied for the majority of my life BY the faculty. Who do I turn to in a school and say, your staff is picking on me?

My last job had a bullying situation.

It was unbelievable to watch unfold. It wasn't even in my department per say. In the employee handbook it said they took bullying seriously. They had a senior staff member who was a out of control bully. She had great work history, but I guess her head got too big. She bullied everyone something awful and they lost countless people due to it. Here's the thing, while she did EVENTUALLY get fired for bullying. It took a while. A lot of new employees where very honest about why they were leaving. Many current employees made it known that all the reasons things never progressed or moral was low was bullying. Apparently this was brought up in staff meetings but went no where. It finally came to a head when they got a new boss on the floor, and a long time employee moved from one department down to that one. I guess her statement was more believable then that of new employees saying I'm leaving because I was bullying.

The thing that bothers me is. A why would a new employee lie? A new employee wants to fit in. They want to do there best. They have to learn the motion of the ocean real quick. They wanted that job. I doubt they wanted to leave that job so quickly. For one it never looks good on a resume. Do you know how defeating it is to be bullied that bad into leaving?

That is why I find it sad they did not listen to the previous statements. I understand that for a bullying case to stick. I guess they needed plenty of evidence. I know they certainly had it.

But in the case of schools. A friend of mine teachers whee toddlers. From babies to 3yr olds. And she has told me how early they start bullying.

Back to my statement on whether it's mental illness, they are being bullied elsewhere or if nothing at all is wrong. Are factors. Because listening to her. She has seen all three that young already and it's like wow if you can catch it that early. Again we could save lives on both sides of the situation.

Sorry random memory lane. Coupled with some random thoughts about current events.

#bullying #mass shooting #stop bullying #suicide #help #overseas #mental health #children #teens #young adults #gossip #don't be assholes #morel of the story

[beautifulmonster1212]

You think if I was a “Cold hearted liar” I would be sooo broken over you???.... you think I wouldn’t rebound and just say “eff this” and move on ??.... if I was a cold hearted liar from the moment you ghosted me in 2017 and showed BR my nudes and you allowed it to be posted.........you think I would come running back??.....

You baited me on a fake watsapp number 7**-0241......while I used my real number and we spoke for months....you called me babe back then too just to ghost me.....which was fine .....but then selling me out to BR and then posting all my nudes along with all my watsapp profile pictures, and then posting my whole qualifications under the picture.......and I forgave you and tried to look past that......but I’m the cold hearted liar.

You think I would put aside my dignity when you guys posted the photo with my whole Dr. in front my name ??... what about when I called u to my house that night and we were in the kitchen talking and I asked you if u knew about tumblr and who posted it ....you looked me in the eyes and told me u don’t know anything like that ....... I told you I traced the ip address to your house ....this was your exact words “solider iz me, my moda, fada, big bro and small bros and none of them would use that app....” but I’m the cold hearted liar.....and yet I forgave you for that.

What about when I asked you for Jouvert.....when brendon very well played jouvert also.....and I had to find out he was in your gallery liming after jouvert, when I dropped you home and all I could have think about was you .....you was with him drinking more that evening......you hide him perfectly from me throughout that entire day otherwise I would have recognized him......that evening I called you to tell you my real feelings for you...you hugged me and told me “bro it’s crazy how close we’ve gotten in such short space of time” and I held onto that an approached you that night in a phone call and I tried to tell you I love you and u told me you can’t come out your house and you have to watch your little brothers.......but I’m a cold hearted liar.

What about the time I had to pretend to be someone else, just so that I could have heard everything you really felt about “Hotdoc”.....and everything your family said about “Hotdoc”, meanwhile I was nothing but just being nice and getting to know you better, and the time I had to hear about BR coming in your van the weekend before fasting started and how he started making out with you and you guys sucked off each other.....how was I suppose to feel....when I had especially asked you to lime that weekend and you turned me down. I had to hear every detail about it, down to his cumshot. I rember being at the gym and just running down to the toilet to vomit becuase I couldn’t stand the idea of you swallowing someone’s cum, I bawled my eyes out but continued to talk to you because I wanted to hear more about what your family was saying becuase that was all sooo suprising to me, that ppl can be so two faced and judgemental.

What about the private bday I had just to spend time with you ??...and it was my best bday ever just having you there... but I’m a cold hearted liar.......

What about the night we went down to Zumba girl house.....and everyone else in your house went on vacation to some country..........I remember being so nervous that night because that was the night I thought u were alone and maybe I might get through to you.......you’re the first guy I have feelings for... and I really dodnt understand how after everything You had put me tru I still kept coming back.......that night you told me you were upset that Justin sister went with another man .......in my head all I was thinking about was you.....and all you was talking about was Justin sister we were sitting in your gallery and when I told you....”A there’s someting between us....I feel this way towards you and I know you feel the same way”........ you blatantly laughed in my face and told me “broo, idk what u talking about” making me look like the raging homosexual. I told you “open the fucking gate” and I left......but I’m the cold hearted liar.....I cried myself to sleep that night, and went on my knees asking god to stop letting me have these feelings for someone that keep hurting me.

Ramadan month, all I wanted to do was be by your side secretly in 2019, I had to pretend to be someone else on gentleman1212 so that I could have hear you say “I wish hotdoctor would just jam me in a corner and suck my tongue” Nights upon nights I ponder on how I was going to do this.....finally praying and getting the courage to do it ......I called you over to my room.....well I don’t need to remind you what happened in my room, till this day when I sit on that black desk all I rmeber is being push away and you saying “solider not ah fuck ah datt shit with me.” When u left my house in that BMW I trashed my rooom.....lamp everything was broken.....becuase I didn’t know how exactly to feel.....you were saying someting on tumblr and doing the whole opposite in person......but I’m a cold hearted liar. I couldn’t help myself I had to call you on the phone and that was the day I told you “A I love you”......it was 5:56pm and you had just reached to work......what was your response .......”bro I reach to work.....I hadda go there now.....but all I could tell you is someone playing with your head and I not gay” and u hung up the phone on me....... but I’m a cold hearted liar.

Wanting to drop rope for me to hang myself.....having conversations about killing me and “your boys ready for me”.....posting a pic of a gun.....calling me manicou face.....and how u going hunting and then telling me how “I killed my mom.......but I’m “cold hearted” rite ?? ......I remember I went that day to do my Photoshoot that I had done just for you......It was the fitness shoot that I had done just to change my fb profile pic ..”it was the ones with the ropes....to show you I made better use of the ropes you wanted to drop for me .......around the same time you wanted me dead, for no apparent reason and I woke up to you asking me where I prefer my final rights, Belgroves like mom or the seabed. I almost canceled the entire shoot, becuase I had to take all that pain and hurt and pull tru that $10,000 Photoshoot for that one day.....just so that I can post on my fb just for you. Would a cold hearted liar do any of that ??.... Your brother found out I lost my job in September last years, failure is never someting that I am accustomed with, having lost a job because of my performance was someting that was on me and I don’t blame you for that, I blamed myself for being caught up in all the homicidal threats and gun posts and I blame myself for being genuinely scared and watching a situation where I was completely innocent and generous to a group of people turn into something so sinister to the point where I felt like my life was a risk. There were days I would drive different vehicles, but then my dad would drive my van I didn’t want to put his life at risk......so I had to keep using my van, despite the fear. You ever considered for a moment how I felt for those 4 week that you were posting homicidal posts for me ??... or what about the talk of dropping my nudes on Xhamester.....and some Trinidad Bamboo....and saying “international l fuck up now for him”.......ever considered how much nights of crying and praying to God on my knees that you don’t do whatever you were threatening to do me. Every considered how much my heart broke into pieces hearing the one person that I ever had feelings for and did so much for want to killl me and post my nudes to ruin my life.

A cold hearted liar would have been gone since 2017, a cold hearted liar would have found someone else moved on and never look back. And what you’re going through rite now....I never want to think this is Karma for all the years of hurt that you’ve put me through, but you’ve been hurtin since September; and you never miss an opportunity to tell remind me of what a horrible person I am, but calling me a Cold hearted liar is worse than threatening to kill me and ask where I want to be laid to rest by my mom or on the seabed; becuase God knows how much times I’ve broken my own heart for you, and had to put myself together piece my piece only for it to be broken again

Use your brain; A cold hearted liar would have been gone by now ....not putting up with your rejections, homicidal life threats and worse yet your constant failure to merge the tumblr version of yourself and your real life self.

There was so much instances where you could have come forth as a friend, and nothing more, where u could have apologized in person for the way things went down with us. Becuase I was your friend, not J not your brother, I was your friend......and you would never get another friend like me ....I didn’t become your friend with intentions of falling in love with you.....I became your friend to see the type of person you were, to see past what you’ve put me tru in 2017, and to let go of the hate that I had for you for putting me tru that, and then little by little I started to fall in love like no gravity and I couldnt help myself, but I kept getting my heart broken over and over again. U know how much sleepless, nights or crying I did back when I was your friend, from getting rejected 12 times to hearing the plain ole truth about what your family members thought of me. I have been crying for years for you and because of you. You only started crying in September, but God knows how many times my heart broke over and over for the same person, and yes I was strong enough to cry on my own and deal with it on my own but I can’t do it on my own anymore .......becuase I got a piece of your heart in the months of March, April and May; so now it’s not just crying, it’s clinical depression, Paranoia from being followed in NYC and Trinidad (constantly looking over my shoulder to see if there’s a car behind me), para-suicide; god alone knows my thoughts. My therapist, fluxotein, my pastors, my family; everyone is rooting for me and I have to get better.

Your therapist thinks that’s normal behavior for me, she didn’t know what I had to go through months and months prior to act out in a way like that. NYC was my place to go because, it was where I healed after my moms death, and I know she would not have been proud of me after seeing my behavior, but that was me when I had given up on finding love because I was tired or being hurt by the same person over and over. I always told myself that you would watsapp, that you would call if you really meant everything that you was saying. But tumblr you and real you was never the same person.........It’s unfair to ask me to trust you on the same app that broke me in pieces; posting nudes ➡️ finding out your true real feelings for me on gentleman1212 ➡️ hearing the truth of what your family thought of me ➡️ homicidal posts towards me ➡️ threatening to posting my nudes again ➡️ then I was suppose to believe you loved me still ???.....

if I had only gotten a watsapp convo or a phone call or any real substantial evidence of you, I would have went to NYC and not indulge in any of that behavior.

Your therapist thinks I’m a hoe and I’m comfortable around men, thats the first time I did any of that exploring in NYC, and I can safely say that now both me and you have seen the all the videos; I never sucked a dick, kissed anyone or fucked anyone or been fucked. What would you have done if u saw me sucking a cock A ??...... I’ve never done that shit in my life worse yet swallowed someone cum.......beauty was the only cock I was willing to put my mouth inn and pleasure. I don’t fool around with random men in Trinidad and you know that, becuase if that was the case I would have been long gone. I would have given up on you since the moment you first rejected me; and started fooling around with people......And it’s not like I don’t have unlimited options, I have both girls and guys wanting me but I choose to not explore that part of me in this country. I went to a foreign country where I “thought “I was safe. You’ve sucked dick and swallowed cum; that’s something that I don’t think I would ever do with someone; especially the kind of things I used to talk about with you, when we used to sex talk. The reason I never came forth and told you when u asked me multiple times was because things were going too good and I didn’t want to ruin it, and I was afraid of the reality that I would lose you......and I thought that maybe just maybe you wouldn’t watch out those videos once I convince you and show you the real true side of me. Since 2017 till now I have spent about 400 thousand on you, from taking down my nudes to wiping brendon phone clean (becuase u was scared he had your nudes) to hacking and taking your pic down from Tbamboo blog to buying you gifts for your bday ....that drawing .....the rings.....bargaining with the company to obtain NYC footage........if I was a lying cheating cold hearted liar.......I would not have spent any of that money, because I don’t have an unlimited supply like you. Every cent I have I work for, so I may spend it wildly sometimes but I spend it on ppl that I think is worth it.........I don’t want to have any arguments with you, for the sake of my mental well being and yours .....I just want you to know that my heart has been breaking Waaaaayyyyyy before yours broke.

[covid19updater]

COVID19 Updates: 07/23/2020

US: RUMINT/Analysis: Critical Update 07.23.2020 This is only the beginning. This morning I took the time to pour over on the ground reports from an especially hard hit area of Texas. It is a town of about 350,000 people that I'm very familiar with as I lived there for 5 years and still own property there although I haven't been there in about 5 years now. Despite it being a very backward and uneducated place, this town issued a stay at home order and was conducting temperature checks before there was a single case of COVID in the county. The first confirmed case was on March 21st. Local experts were predicting a peak in April and that by June, there would be virtually no cases. Fast forward to July- for the past several weeks the town has been consistently reporting 300-500 new cases a day and 8 people in the town are dying every day this month from the virus. Doctors and members of the police force have been lost to the virus. Lines of cars go on for miles at testing sites. Medical staff in full PPE- body suits with tape, face shields, n95 mask with a surgical mask on top of that. Many people are low income even before the shutdown ravaged the economy. The only shopping mall is now a meal distribution center where the lines of cars waiting for food are just as long as the ones at the testing sites. It is unclear how the virus spiraled out of control in this town which is almost 3 hours away from any other city. As much as I loath the place, ostensibly they did everything right from the very beginning before there was ever a known case of the virus. It seems like you can run but you can't hide from this thing. For as much disruption to daily life as it is causing, it has only burned through 2% of the population. By my calculations, even as quickly as the situation has spiraled out of control there, it will take 4 more years to reach a point of herd immunity at this rate, if that is even possible with this virus. From everything I'm seeing, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Everything we have seen and experienced so far is just one tenth of what is to come. Supply chains are already spotty, local budgets are spent and within the next week the economy will implode with bankruptcies and the end of stimulus benefits. Regional hotspots are on the verge of erupting into conflict. Economic strain and resource scarcity are all it will take to shove things off the cliff. Those places that haven't been hit very hard by the virus won't be spared, they are just waiting for their turn in the barrel.

World: New England Journal of Medicine: Antibodies Mild Infections: 73 Day Half-lifeRapid Decay of Anti–SARS-CoV-2 Antibodies in Persons with Mild Covid-19 LINK

World: Structural basis for translational shutdown and immune evasion by the Nsp1 protein of SARS-CoV-2 LINK

Japan: Report of a #COVID19 cluster in a childcare centre in Tokyo, comprising 2 adults and 20 children.

Florida: COVID-19 in Florida Microbe The latest report from @HealthyFla is out. There’s 173 new deaths reported, which is a record. Our two-week moving average for daily deaths is well over 100 per day. We were at 39 on July 1. New cases (10,249) and % positive (12.31%) also increased. And Florida dept of health reports covid death of 9 year old from Putnam County FL. Putnam County Health Officer Mary Garcia confirmed the fatality to CNN on Wednesday and said she was unaware of any underlying medical conditions in the girl's case.

RUMINT/Analysis: here is what i see at the moment. it is not much really. The local governs. have to keep the economy moving to get paid the sales taxes. they already lost enuf from the 1st lockdowns to growl to the states for $$.thius is why they want schools open. with both parents working,the local govern's see double the income. won't work that way. but is their theory. this is another "kick the can down the road plan". here is the problems. 1 is not enuf $$ to make up for the lost time. not enuf items to sell to bring in the sales tax.CHINA still dead in the water means no goods being sentg to stores. the local govern will still b short $$ since they lost months of tax $$ already. how long before this is an issue? best bet is going to b layoff local govern workers so they get kicked to the state UI dept. this won't buy much time. can they get to spring financially? think the local govern's have different fiscal years than the normal taxpayer or calendar year. we have xmas in the middle. how bad are things and how much does the state and local govern really know? NOV-DEC is the biggest shopping mths to bring in that sales tax. however, u do not want to p*ss the ppl off and panic them in these mths either.unless Santa has a magic wharehouse, where do all the goods come from to sell? based on waht we know and the DR report, the lockdown has to occur in Oct at the latest. farther than that will lead to riots and the govern losing control over the ppl. i don't think there is enuf supply to buy them into JAN. now since it is an election year, can they kick the can into NOV a week or 2? will TPTB do that if the DEMS are losing the election? tipping popint seems to b between mid OCT to mid NOV. all depends what TPTB decide is their best move with the election. watch for "flue season" to start as soon as schools open. expect death counts for OCT. expect the situation to b 50-100x as bad as now.

US: The coronavirus threatens auto industry recovery as cases rise and more employees miss work LINK

UK: Covid-19: England could need another lockdown in winter, say government’s chief advisers. LINK

Australia: Melbourne lockdown could last until Christmas as state battles coronavirus cases LINK

RUMINT (Texas): Yeah just saw a verified report that in the McAllen area it is killing entire families. Local funeral place there is doing 3 funerals a day. They did so many this week that their backhoe broke down and workers are now digging graves by hand with shovels.

California: California reporting 157 dead in the last day, biggest daily deaths since pandemic began

World: Scientists discover coronavirus in the EARS of two dead Covid-positive patients as studies suggest hearing loss may be a rare symptom of the infection. Another study on 20 symptomless patients, with no history of hearing problems found that hearing abilities worsened after the infection had passed

Georgia: ~4,300 new cases (3rd highest daily), and it's not bc testing is up. Testing is down, but the positive % is 17.1%. Current hospitalizations remain ~same while new hospitalizations up 431 (3rd highest).

US: UNITED STATES - 2,600 new cases per hour. Cases of coronavirus contamination exceeded 4 million on Thursday, with an average of more than 2,600 new infections per hour.

Florida: Level 5 emergency” in Florida — 6,700 nursing home residents & staff infected with coronavirus in July. The 129% rise is blamed on major delays in getting COVID19 test results & letting people enter facilities WITHOUT proof they’re not infected. LINK

US: About 40 percent of U.S. adults are at risk for severe COVID complications LINK

World: Coronavirus can travel 26 feet in rooms with cold, stale air—like meat plants LINK

US: Trump cancels in-person Republican convention in Jacksonville, Florida LINK

RUMINT (Hong Kong): Hk update Record cases two days in a row It’s out of control in city City is shutting down again and schools have no opening date Today large groups in supermarkets some panic buying  Acute bed shortages in hospitals Hk Government has ample reserves but lacks common sense and keeps making blunders like kept boarders open , not strictly quarantine people Still no mass testing and test results takes several days and people are moving about  Social distancing was a joke in hk and now we have major clusters This so called second wave is just starting  Most people who can are working from home  Hk maybe couple of months ahead of rest of world for second wave Be warned and prepare for 3-6 months bug out supplies

World: Huge: Masks LOWER SEVERITY of COVID too! Masks definitely reduce transmission, but scientist now think that MASKS CAN ALSO MAKE ILLNESS MILDER. How? masks may limit the dose of virus people get, & result in less severe symptoms of illness. on evidence.

RUMINT: FWIW, My bank branch was closed due to Covid exposure. The phone number taped to the door linked to someone who had worked there b4 the covid closure. They were at another branch in the process of closing it due to exposure. I had to wait 10 minutes w/o a guarantee of non-exposure to put some items into my safety deposit box. They drove to the branch to let me in...God only knows what it would take if more branches are closed and no one to retrieve items. Just passing it on. This shit is real.

Texas: COVID-19 patients will be ‘sent home to die’ if deemed too sick, Texas county says LINK

California: Dozens of top influencers gathered for a massive Hype House birthday party despite record COVID-19 numbers in California LINK

World: COVID19 Projections based on machine learning LINK

[kffandom]

hi all.... sorry (again) for going completely MIA (AGAIN).... this semester was weird and I was weird and I'm doing okay now but it was weird and busy but mostly weird 

 Tbh I don't remember when I last was on here so below the cut I'm just gonna give the sparknotes version of my semester and apologize about 500 more times for disappearing and never answering anything because I'm the #worst (the gist of it is: this semester was weird and kinda bad just b/c i was realizing that i’m going to have to be an Adult Adult soon and make friends and i’m kinda bad at that, as shown by this semester, but i’m okay and doing fine and i’m sorry for disappearing without a word) 

whether you read below or not, i hope everyone’s doing well on here and i’d love to hear how you’ve all been and what i’ve missed w/overwatch (i basically did the chinese new year event most of the way through and haven’t played since, like today was the first day i played as orisa and i have no idea what lore and stuff i’ve missed) and what i’ve missed w/the fandom <3 i’ve missed being here and i’ve missed everyone <3 

So, made new friends this semester from work + the like. Friend of a friend of a friend type of knowing someone, so that was a good thing. Work was a Hot Mess. I was living w/o my roommate because she went abroad and my new roommate, while sweet as can be, was my boss at work and we didn't really click super well and she had goat drama (I'm not fucking kidding she had drama with a goat because she found out it was being neglected and reached out to a sanctuary and the sanctuary was CRAZY and yeah that's a story for another day) so we didn't get super close 

 and I spent a lot of time around friends I'm not as close with and just felt funky a lot of the time, like I kept getting in weird moods where I was sad but not really and just wanted to be alone but was upset because I was lonely since I wasn't super close w/most ppl and idek my dudes it was a weird semester emotions-wise. One bff abroad and one being a selfish jerk this entire semester and one not really meshing this semester for some odd reason left me in a weird place 

 And then classes were weird, because they weren't hard but the workload was bad and I just never had time even though I wasn't taking as many credits as I normally do, and when I did have time I just wanted to relax and be alone but I also was lonely (you getting why it was weird?) 

 Then I had a girl that I was kinda flirting with very firmly be like "yeah we're such good FRIENDS I'm glad we're FRIENDS haha I wish I could date someone but not u because we're FRIENDS" and I was like "ok cool got the message I won't flirt with u anymore outside of chill friend teasing we good" BUT THEN she lost her shit when I wasn't around since we weren't dating? She was like "if 2 ppl like each other why can't we just date!! Why won't kate make time for me if she really cared she'd make time!!!!" (Ignoring the fact that I literally didn't even have time for most of my friends or time to call home. And also ignoring the fact we aren't even really friends? Like we weren't close at all, we just kinda flirted then went our separate ways so her losing her shit was #weird and I'm p sure it was just because she wanted to date someone, not because she liked me because my friend said she made a point of complaining when he tried to set us up because "why can't 2 lesbians just be friends" so?????) 

 (But now I feel bad because she's graduating and I didn't say bye. But she kinda weirded me out and made me feel not great so.) 

 And then another girl who said she wanted to go on a date with me never followed through and that lowkey kinda sucked. 

So basically my self-esteem went down the shitter for a bit there and I kinda just didn't talk to anyone or want to deal with anyone and that DEFINITELY didn’t help (all of that self-care stuff where it’s like “don’t isolate yourself!!! go be with friends and people!!!!” yeah that’s actually good advice like there was a weekend where the only human interaction i had was with the taco bell drive through person, who, while very sweet, was not adequate social interaction and i spiraled a bit, and then i went to dinner with friends and was like “WOW i actually feel like a person and not a disgusting train wreck wow amazing haha whoops” 

 And then I had multiple group projects where I did all the work (which isn't unusual) but they were worth 30% or more than of our final grade (which was unusual) so that was awful 

 And basically I was just a hot mess. And I'm home for the summer but now I got summer classes + an internship (I think I mentioned that on here before?) that are overlapping and that'll be a hot mess. and my brother’s getting MARRIED in a few months which is ridiculous to think about (i’m getting my bridesmaid dress this weekend which is RIDICULOUS TO THINK ABOUT) and honestly life is starting to move much too quickly because next year’s my senior year and i’m FREAKING OUT 

A LOT ACTUALLY 

so that’s #swell but i think everyone gets to this level of freaking out by the end of college so i’ll be okay i think 

<3 fingers crossed. i hope everyone’s doing well, i’ll probs be on here for a little bit this week and next week, but the week after my internship starts and that’ll be busy until i get into the swing of things. lots of love to everyone! <3 

#kf personal #i'm so so so so sorry for being mia for so long #i've missed it on here a lot #i've missed overwatch a lot #i've missed the fandom a lot #i'm going to try really hard to not just disappear like that--like if i'm not on for more than a week or two i'll try to do a post every #once in awhile to be like 'not dead! i'm ok! just going through a rough patch!' #because i feel bad when i do that like i feel really bad #lots of love to everyone i hope everyone's been okay <3

[itissadbutitsmy-life]

you know what who cares about clarity? have an incoherent ramble about pb, how she treats lemonhope, a couple parts about lemongrab, and proof that phlannel boxingday is the best Dad™ in the entirety of adventure time below the cut

I would die for phlannel boxingday he's so good for lh he is the Best father in the entire series and I almost cRied about it

there's a lot of shitty dads in advtime and a lot of dads that could do better but aren't like malevolent, and there's also phlannel, the best damn guy with the kindest fucking heart in the entire show, and he kills giant sentient birds for a living

Listen h

Wait am I about to cry rant about the one off character again

Yeah here goes he was so good he. I mean. I mean. He's so patient and understanding and gentle and lh nEEDS that h he was fucking broken up in his home and then pb spirited him away and put the fate of his entire family on his shoulders and treated him like he was Very Smart And The Chosen One But Would You Just Fucking TRY. and phlannel grabs him away and goes look. you're a good kid. and maybe you can save your family. but you can't beat yourself up over it, you can't put all that weight on your shoulders. you are able to go save them if you want but you are one of many champions in this world, and someone else will do it if you can't. and until then I'm going to keep you fed and clothed and be a person you can come to with anything, because I have no ulterior motives. I really literally don't. 

and every t ime he talks to him he talks low and gentle, he points things out like how he IS a smart kid he REALLY is he just learns differently, he doesn't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do like every other adult figure in his life has up to this point. he knows he has nightmares so obviously lh feels safe enough w him to talk to him about things like that, or he just pays attention and like. knows he keeps waking up screaming and instead of going "ha that's fine," he goes "kids shouldn't be waking up screaming so I'm going to keep an eye on it," he picks up on lh's concerns and gently tells him it isn't his fault when he drops things,

Like ok here's my thing. I know first impression pb is rly nice, yadda yadda I wrote a whole thing (didn’t post it tho lmao) abt how the Ugly Candy People seem to be the worse off ones and that might be her doing if it isn't just coincidence, and I don't feel like getting into that. but . here's my thing abt the lemonhope two parter and pb

Like first off I'm still pissed she put him in a Special School like. how transparent can you be. she's playing favorites and she's raising him for a specific purpose of being a champion. but it's not like, extracurricular champion school, bc she's clearly trying to also teach finn geometry. or maybe she's just. 

Idk but it seems really fucjibg phony. like. just set him up in a school where he can socialize and learn in an environment structured for teaching and socializing. I know lemon ppl don't Get Along With Others but like. singling him out is just. mmmmm don't like that

Anyways so that's one thing but like. she seems to be such! a nice and understanding lady right? she's soft and sweet and she's dangerous when she needs to be, but like. I know we all know she's kind of a dick and she monitors everyone in her kingdom closely to the point of creepiness, etc etc we know. but like. u know what really gets me in the lh two parter is just. how ......inconsiderate? she is maybe? 

like . yeah she wants to fix what went wrong (lg’s cannibalism and like tyranny etc). she can't or won't do it herself ('can't' meaning she's legally not allowed to, but what the fuck is lg gonna do to her? she can destroy him with a fucking flick of her wrist and literally the only person gaining anything from him locking up his kingdom on every legal level possible is himself if that, and we all know his earldom is quite literally overpopulated.So she has nothing but principle stopping her from barging in and demanding he stop, to protect all the other citizens he's hurting. He'll do anything she asks. like maybe once it got bad he wouldn't, maybe he started to realize she never cared about him and she never would, but honestly even if he did start to realize that, if she fucking walked in the door and said she needs to talk he'd be putty in her fingers. he'd listen and do everything she asks of him, and none of the lemon people are gonna fuvkinh stop her. they either know to fear her from lg or stories or experience, or they just know she's their boss's boss, so to speak, and would deliver her right to lg or just let her pass. Right? unless lg has them on orders to like. kill on sight or something. but those poor kids aren't any match for pb and pb's no idiot, she'd take backup or she'd straight up murder them. there's literally no reason for her to not go. she's gonna respect politics now? NOW? She's a fucjibg monolith and she does whatever the fuck she wants no matter what kingdom she's walking into, and now that her son is hurting every single person he's ever loved, NOW she decides she Can't Just Interfere? Fuck you) but uh since she can't/won't do it herself she needs lh to. ok. fine. But like. over and over she repeatedly treats him poorly, like...... like yeah ok she isn't Being Mean but. idk. you take a scared little kid out of his abusive family, then you repeatedly make him see what his siblings are going through now that he's gone, and tell him over and over that it's up to him to make them stop being hurt?

The lemon people are all just babies ? like ok they're not BABIES they're their own ppl but . but they're. so young of COURSE they believe what pb said and what lg2 said, that lh needs to come back for them; HE got away, so so can they, and he's gonna be the one to do it. They're poetic and tragic like the fire kingdom, but grittier and less pretty and performative. of course they'd latch onto the only hero they were given.

but like. to lh it was probably more like. this lady came and took me away from my family so they'd stop hurting me, but she left all my siblings behind, and now she's telling me I have to be the one to save them? lmao no you do it yourself. you did it once you can do it again.

so uh

so lh's adult interaction so far seems to have been like. 

wait was he one of the ones they made originally or is he a second gen lemon person/ someone lg2 made with lollipops like in that one fanfic 

assuming he was in the FIRST BATCH because I'm mean I guess, his adult interaction has been two people who adore me with all their hearts but can't figure out how to feed me-> probably some affection in here somewhere bc he had to get that harp from someplace -> guy who fucking electrocutes us and other guy who's too scared to stop him -> oh shit what the fuck -> lady who got me out of that situation but won't save my siblings and keeps pretending I'm someone I'm not

u know what, I think that's her whole problem

she made lg to be her heir, that's good, but he didn't act how she expected and she couldn't figure out how to support him, so she sent him away (much as I like to say she did it bc like. neddy was antisocial and scared of ppl too and he was ok if he was kept alone so maybe that was all lg wanted too,,,,, like there was still no reason to throw him at the very fucking edge of ooo aight. get him a house in the grasslands or something.). she tried to help him, realized she was making it worse and actually hurting him, so she tried to help again and it worked, bc all lg wanted was to be loved and not to be told over and over (symbolically) that he was REALLY unwanted, but still begrudgingly needed bc he's the only heir to the throne. so getting a friend who wouldn't hate him for who he was was all he wanted. so she did good and kinda let it be for a while. 

but he also really wanted his mothers love, and he tried to act like her so she'd appreciate him or even notice him. so he makes kids for her, he realizes this makes him and his brother happy (HAPPY), and can't stop doing it because he's alone with his brother and their newborn children and no one's telling them to stop. she fixes it, she lets it be.

He's still unwanted. she still hates him. she hates ppl who don't act how she wants them to. she HATES the duke of nuts whose only crime is eating her pudding (possible she hates him bc he's just So Good And Kind, too, and it's fishy), she clearly doesn't treat all her citizens equally (do you see how trashed some of the backstreets are? I mean maybe people are just smashing them faster than she can fix them, but like. I don't know. I don't feel good about it.), she won't fucking talk to the literal heir to her throne (i don’t thiiink he’s been replaced yet?) except when he makes a mess and needs someone to help him fix it. and then she does it as minimally as possible. she sends fnj to fix it or smth. she just. Really wants nothing to do with her failures I guess. maybe that's it. he woke up screaming and needing things other candy people don't need, and she called him her own personal failing. maybe she feels like she let him down by not making him so he could be happy in her kingdom. maybe she blames herself but instead of working with him and supporting him, she gives him anything he asks for and otherwise avoids contact with him like the plague. 

Anyways so what she wanted was a cute, competent candy person to take her throne right? and she goes to his kingdom and she wanders around and like. no one here is her kind of normal. they're all ugly and deformed and squawky and everything's yellow. and to lg and lg everything is BEAUTIFUL, those are their beloved babies that they risked their lives to have, but she doesn't know that, she just knows that MAN those lgs are weird, and when I try to help them, they get mad and lash out at me.

by her first failed experiment she means the first one that made her feel like she was capable of making mistakes that ruin lives. like even if we call that one comic canon, with that Sweet Pink Goop she made before lg, that goop didn’t seem sentient, let alone capable of feeling the consequences of being alive and different from the other candy people

she looks around and she tries to figure out what she doesn't understand. right? in too old. like maybe getting away from them and looking around their house will give her insight into why her heir won't just act like her, won't just be normal and quiet and do what she expects people to do, why she can't figure out how to help him without making him angry (and scared and hurt), figure out what it is HE expects, because he's a person too.

And she finds someone who ISN'T deformed or ugly or weird, she finds someone who honestly wouldn't be out of place (looks wise) in her candy kingdom. and he's bemoaning his unfair treatment and he's dressed in rags and he's alone and he's young and he's talented. 

And he's what she meant to make in the first place. Someone soft and cute, but with whatever traits she'd been looking for in an heir, presumably. someone who can rule a kingdom decently in her place, even better than her, i have my own hcs about that lmao. he’s someone who doesn't flinch when she touches his shoulder, who doesn't have such a cold stare, or such a shrill and uninviting voice. he's small and he's young and he's soft and he's talented and he's being mistreated

and like. she saw other kids getting publicly electrocuted and she saw lg hitting his brother and she saw the fucking evidence of really violent mistreatment, and she went ":/" until she saw someone who she could sympathize with.

and lh isn't who she thinks he is. He's a lemon person, he's Lemongrab's son (or... grandson or like. nephew. I don't know. young relative or like juvenile member of his species.) he's not a candy person, but he looks like one. he's symmetrical and visually healthy. so she gets maternal and concerned, because now it doesn't look like lg's hurting people she doesn't want to even look at let alone worry about (asshole). now to her it looks like he's neglecting and harming a young kid. And they're all young kids, they're all pretty new, they're all people and they're all being hurt. but she can't bring herself to care what he does so long as he’s hurting people she doesn’t care about, that's his business; when she gets involved he threatens to kill her or he upsets her people or whatever. but when she sees someone who looks like a person, who looks like a person of hers, who looks like a kid and who looks like a healthy kid being abused (chubby and healthy but tattered and shock collared and locked in a bathroom, as opposed to like. another lemon person walking around in nice clothes and a shock collar) she gets him out

and she plays on his feelings, she goes, you're the kid I always expected to raise. you're the kid I was supposed to raise to become a shining champion of my kingdom. I made lg, and he turned out wrong and I dropped him as far off the face of the earth as I could, and now I have Finn to be my champion. but you, you need to be great, still. you need to be my shining star. You need to go back and do what lg2 told you to do in his Fuvking Dying Breaths, because like, suddenly me and him are on the same page I guess. 

I don't super blame lg2 for putting all that on lh's shoulders tbh. He's not much older than the kids, really, and like I said, they're all poetic and tragic. and lg2 was getting eaten too so like can you really blame him for anything at that pt. he doesn't know pb really, all his interactions with her were probably Not Bad but lg hates her and would also do anything for her so lg2 probably hates her a little by association. You're the one who hurt my brother and hurt him and hurt him and hurt him, why should I trust you to come get my children away from a dangerous situation? how do I even know if you consider this a dangerous situation? glob for all he knows she electrocutes her people too when they don't please her. for all he knows this is normal.

actually no I give him more credit than that. he might not know if pb considers it normal or not but the fact that lg fucking destroys his spirit when just months ago he was telling him he was the best thing in his entire life, yeah, he knows hurting your kids isn't normal, he knows hurting your life partner isn't normal, he knows maybe how lg came to this conclusion, but he won't tolerate it if he can help it

Anyways I love him?

so in conclusion pb treats lh like he's a candy person when he's NOT, and phlannel boxingday is the absolute purest most wholesome character to ever walk into that fucjibg TV series and he's the only one who treats lh the way he needs to be treated - like a person, like a smart person, like a person who's been abused and been put on a pedestal, like a person with his own needs and experiences that are different from maybe what you'd expect or wish. That's my conclusion. It's 11 fucking pm I need my dam slEEP

real quick summary bc I think I see where I was trying to go with this long ramble: pb's inconsiderate in that she treats him like a gifted candy person, not a gifted lemon person, let alone just a scared little kid who's been really neglected and abused. she at least seems to just kinda ignore the whole thing where he gets defensive and... grabby? idk bc he grew up in a house where he was hungry and ignored and hurt

idk

you give a kid who was raised in a house where he's always hungry and competing with his siblings for food two cupcakes do you really think he's going to share them

especially when it's very clear that you have many cupcakes

do you really think so

also just. if we go w saying a LOT of lg's quirks come from him parroting how pb treated him, idk she just. doesn't do a great job of not treating lh the same way. sure she apologizes when she calls him unacceptable but still I get the feeling she treats him more like lg did than she'd like to think.

#o #long post #abuse mention #because no shit of course there is i'm talking about lemonhope #hhhhhhhhhhhgh #adventure time #<-- for reference #if any of this doesn't make sense like.... you've been warned. if u ask me to elaborate you'll get another 3000 word essay so