#and I feel like that’s wrong of me bc I know some people need time but unless that initial click happens I just seem to falter??

[beartitled]

Can you do some more comics with Francis mosses

I can, but the problem is

That I’m pretty much out of ideas and I’m progressively getting tired of tnmn fandom

Ppl who look at my tags probably noticed that 😓

More of my thoughts under read more for curious ppl

(short answer maybe I will do more, but I desperately need a break from tnmn)

! Just a general warning: this came out kinda long + sort of venty

Originally I planned to do 1 comic drop and move on, but got stuck bc ppl liked tnmn comics and kept asking for more (and still do-)

Generally I don’t mind doing more if the ideas are there, but I want to address this: I’m tired

I know blowing up is usually a good thing and I appreciate people enjoying my stuff

But it’s exhausting to see that tnmn is the only type of content which is relevant, to the point that my own projects or stuff I enjoy are just kinda.. ignored

It’s fair – again my blog is heavily fandom based

(+Tsp were and still is kinda the focus)

But with tnmn fandom it’s a bit… different

Maybe I’m biased and it’s just my negative experience with tiktok comments

Remember this art?

cleaning up transphobic comments was.. um tough

Again, I get that you can’t be in that neat bubble completely sheltered from negativity

Humans are just assholes by nature really/j

So I was expecting the backlash, but not that much

I think maybe tsp fandom spoiled me a bit (in a good way), bc I got a feeling that everyone in tsp was positive of any lgbt+ headcanons and just generally more supportive

(don’t get me wrong, there ARE problems in tsp community too, taking narrators design controversy into account as one of the examples)

Obviously every fandom always has it’s own issues, show me at least one fandom that didn’t have some sort of meaningless controversy or some sort of problematic people in it

It happens

But it leaves a bad taste in your mouth sometimes

And for me personally it only added to not so pleasant experience

The thing I also noticed, when I interacted with other fandoms

Ppl wrote positive stuff first and foremost, not really asking for anything

Here it’s just “hey more. I want more. Do more. Do this character. Do this. Do more.”

The only reason I kept doing more, because likes, reblogs, views – these comics get a ton of attention

there is a audience to please alright

But this thing comes with a pressure tho

and it shows

so let me illustrate

This bookcase

Is my shame

Because I was so rushing, I just copied and colour corrected this bookcase from my diploma comic and pasted it here in hopes for the best

💥IT LOOKS HORRIBLE OKAY💥

Usually it’s normal to take materials used in other projects

the not so normal part is

to leave it like that because your stress reducing tea doesn’t work and you don’t really have time to redraw it

my m en ta l s t a t e i s f i n e ah ah h ah ah

Ok but jokes aside: it’s really tempting, to just abandon everything and produce content like some sort of content farm

But I don’t want to, I’m forcing myself and it makes my art worse

Yes it’s subtle, new people won’t even see this

But I’m not improving

And I don’t enjoy just anxiously popping out comics because everyone keeps asking

I can give it my all to something when I’m passionate, but just “hey I’m getting attention” is not the best motivator

Attention like that does get to my head, I know that I will probably give in again and do more, bc I will compare my posts engagement

But what’s the point of recognition, when you feel.. so numb about it…

Sorry for a mountain of text and thank you for ppl who actually took their time to read it

It’s been building up for a while and I feel like people need to know the reason why I’m not so enthusiastic about making “more”

I’m not necessarily completely abandoning this fandom

I still plan to do ask/suggestions event for STP (I’m just making sure I can dedicate my time to it, that’s why it’s taking so long) and I can add tnmn to the mix

Like STP+tnmn kind of deal

But for now – I need a break

At least for a little bit

#bear answers #vent post #nothing serious just a bunch not so positive thoughts #tnmn #that’s not my neighbor #tnmn fandom #thoughts #fandom thoughts #apologies for possible mistakes/typos

[youremyheaven]

Hello, seeing the conversation I'd like to share my own experience with a bharani native, one of my best friends was a bharani moon, venus and rahu stellium in the 2nd house. Shes very intelligent and talented in mathematics, she was popular in school, and someone always had a crush on her. She was never interested though, as she is aromantic and asexual.

I do not mean to bad mouth her or say that she is a terrible person, Humans are complex and I still have a lot of affection for her since we were best friends since childhood but our relationship turned sour similarly as others have expressed concerning bharani natives.

As soon as I hit a low point in my mental health, she started distancing herself from me. She was always very uncomfortable with expressing her emotions and even more so with handling others, but she basically abandoned me in my time of need. It was quite traumatizing and I honestly felt betrayed by her since we were so close. She herself admitted in the future that she did me extremely wrong, we reconnected for a bit, but her emotionally immature and uncaring, cold attitude and mentally persisted in our early young adulthood.

Me and her were also very close with a magha moon and rising girl, we were basically inseparable for years, but she started to treat her with the same coldness as she did me for seemingly no reason. She also did the same to my other pushya girl best friend for no reason. My magha best friend had a conversation with her and she thought they buried the hatchet, we invited her for our magha friend's birthday but she ended up canceling the exact same day citing a BS excuse. She continued to do this 3 more times for her birthday and my mother's birthday.

She was/is the easily bored, emotionally distant type, but we always worked around that in our dynamic, and this behavior was unacceptable. The last time she canceled coming to our friend's birthday, THE VERY SAME DAY, I finally snapped. I was just so upset at her dishonesty, because she clearly didn't want to go/didn't care, but she still accepted to go Everytime! It was like having a deadbeat father for a best friend! I was so angry cause I just wanted her to be truthful, wanted her to just admit she didn't want to go/didn't care for our friendship anymore, but she didn't even respond to that.

It was just very traumatizing to experience how someone you loved so much could stop loving you in an instant, made you wonder if they even loved or cared for you in the first place, the three of us were basically sisters, I always imagined her at my wedding, my graduation, my life.

So yeah, sorry for trauma dumping, but I think the casual coldness of bharani needs to be studied, cause why are some of them like that 😭

DUUUUDE 😭😭😭😭 i literally have two Bharani friends who are just like this lol 🥲ngl it did traumatize me at one point but then I stopped expecting anything from them and stopped reaching out and honestly it's all better that way. Tysm for sharing your experience because I thought having bad experiences with Venusian women (and mostly pleasant experiences with Venusian men) was a me thing 😬. I think people talk a lot about Venusian charisma, social charm and hospitality but forget to mention how cold, uncaring and insensitive they can be. I think it's one manifestation of Venusian refinement, they discard people who aren't doing their best or feeling their best. Absolutely not people you want to reach out to when you're in a tough spot bc they won't gaf 🥲. It hurt me a lot when I'd call them up (in my case, I was always there for her, hyping her, cheering her, being her shoulder to lay on) and they'd act disinterested when I'm literally talking through tears?? She straight up told me she's tired and wants to sleep lol and then said "you know I'm not the type of friend who can comfort you" like 🤧okay??? I felt really used in those friendships and betrayed as well?? I remember one time this friend who frequently visits my city to hang out with her other friends and never meets me (we went 3ish years without talking at one point) called me one night to make plans for the next day and the next day morning she said "oh I'm busy rn let's meet by noon" and then at noon said she had something else going on and then i said I'm not interested in meeting lol . She always told me she couldn't reach out to me cause of her phone/network/social media whatever random excuse and I believed her cause I wanted to and then I spoke to a dude who's pretty close friends with her and he told me about how they always met each other whenever she was in town and always hung out??? and he was sharing stories of times they spend together and I was so?? shook?? like the same person who cannot reach out to me is hyperconnected to some random guy ?? My other Venusian friend told me she stopped talking to her close friend after she started experiencing health issues and then got surgery??? I do think Venusians only want to stick around for the good times, they're like "party friends" but they're completely unreliable when it comes to anything that isn't fun for them. Venusians are the type to treat people as disposable and then get mad when others treat them that way lol . They're used to believing they're irreplaceable but truth be told, everybody can be replaced esp toxic, rude and negative people. I think I strongly dislike Venusian women bc they're so absorbent?? They love to take from others without giving in return. But it's interesting to me how Venusian men are the opposite?? They love to give endlessly even tho they do expect their partner to match their energy and be receptive to them and not shut them out?? It also makes sense as to why Venusian men are drawn to Venusian women bc the women can be pretty self absorbed and draw in their energy. They're good at receiving without guilt or remorse, they receive like that's what God made them to do.

Edit: a girl in college who "discarded" me has Saturn in Bharani atmakaraka lol, astrology never lies

[brittlebutch]

finding a character that grates against your nerves and eventually thinking, well, that's not fair, you haven't done anything; why do i dislike you? and then you dwell on this for a while and discover 'oh! you are like me when i was younger' and decide well, i'll simply learn how to love the both of you. power in this.

#N posts stuff #'what are you talking about?' fuck if i know. #but also i'm talking about penny from 'the 7' -- nosy little control freak determined to find Some foothold into Every conversation #it's interesting bc sometimes when i watch i'm like 'this character is played on the Border of metagaming' but the more i think abuot it #the less it Feels like metagaming bc penny Genuinely seems Exactly like the kind of person who just Is That Determined to be #some level of involved in Every situation; 'yeah i know that show you were in' 'Yeah i was listening into this scene from a different hall' #equal parts her being a Rogue character to her core AND her borderline pathological need for control in Every situation #w/ None of the social grace needed to temper this impulse into something more broadly 'palatable' -> very autistic to me in a way #'i don't Get It but if i'm Always Right then that's good bc it's Bad to be Wrong so i just have to Know Everything so that i'm Never Wrong' #or like 'no i don't understand the Rules right but if i can just Be In Charge of the Situation at all times then i'm the one domineering #where this is going and how it unfolds; like if i'm in charge i understand That at least so i will just Always be in charge' #and sometimes this starts fights with your friends and they call you a freak for it and you're like 'hm. i don't know what's going on #but if You said it and You Get People then you must be right so. i will alter this immediately' but penny doesn't have that interaction #because her friends are just like 'yeah i love you And that batshit way of interacting with the world that you embody' and there is a #temptation of sorts to be like 'penny you HAVE to stop that; you NEED to learn that lesson please' but then like. hm. does she? #much to think about. i don't interact w/ people enough anymore for this to impact my interactions with real people lol #but it Is interesting to peel apart a fictional character and find a Younger You in there. i can change how i think about Them at least

[dazais-guardian-angel]

kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....

#bungou stray dogs #been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me)) #cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands) #but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people #first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now #he was groomed since childhood just like dazai #but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there #and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong #but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself #which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong #and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia... #and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO #where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!! #it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay. #chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself #and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him. #didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!! #i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess #and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just #One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall #he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!! #there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma #and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc #it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!! #even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man #both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation #i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda #and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death #oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)

[hella1975]

just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭

#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING #baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned #close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy #like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive #said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here #so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of #being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]' #which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words #and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF #LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF #one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED #and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum #tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would #like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice? #it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like?? #and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister #and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN? #the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO #and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops #from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH #now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL #hella goes home

[stealingyourbones]

The want and urge to animate an eldritch horror Danny Phantom is so strong and yet I don’t have the artistic skill or knowledge of particular types of animation to fully do the idea in my mind justice

#bones speaks #you know that one arg channel? _Boisvert #that one #the angel from that #that’s the best way to describe what’s going on in my head #I feel the need to animate and not draw it bc drawing it won’t show the extent of the *wrongness* ya know #angels say ‘be not afraid’ for a damn reason when first meeting people and I need Danny to have the same vibe #sorta holy or divine and visually goes beyond human comprehension so much so that we can only see what our brain can best process #which is to say: some creepy ass bullshit of an amalgam horror creature of colossal size and power #When I look at Eldritch Horror Danny it needs to be so much overstimulation of shit going on that I instantly start dissociating #it needs to be so much at the same time that it genuinely makes you mentally break #if you check out that ARG channel: be warned that it’s main theme is depression and hopelessness. it may send you into a depressive spiral. #it has frightening and VERY unnerving imagery along with religious themes and gore and a LOT of staring #just so y’all know and I don’t accidentally make y’all dissociate or anythin cause that shit nearly instantly makes me lose touch w reality #like I should enjoy watching it bc it genuinely makes me feel bad and yet the curiosity of such an interesting take of the medium an just- #it’s just so cool ya know? stuff Beyond Comprehension and exsistential dread is just FASCINATING. #like Everywhere at the End of Time #that shit? instantly makes me have an anxiety attack and makes me off the rest of the day. #do I find it incredibly intriguing and on the occasion listen to it again knowing damn well that I’m setting myself up for a shitty day? yes #it’s just sO COOL #audio format of dementia is beautifully haunting. I worked for a time volunteering helping dimentia patients. some of them… #they were hollow. empty shells of a person that when I saw them all I could visualize was that awful static from the album just going on and #on forever. there was nothing left. that shit and morality scares the SHIT out of me and equally entices me #tw dissociation #tw memory loss #tw dementia

[the-casbah-way]

i think every university student who has a job and studies at the same time deserves everything they want forever actually

#yeah this is about me #i dont think people realise how fucking hard it is to do both and not go insane #ITS HARD ENOUGH TO DO ONE AND NOT GO INSANE #i wish uni would cut some slack to students who have to work and be more understanding w deadlines and stuff #especially bc jobs act like said job is your entire life and expect you to drop everything when an extra shift comes up #work drains me so fucking much that i just have no physical or mental energy left even back when my shifts were only four hours #how do you expect me to go to a shift then go to classes right after and then spend the evening doing mandatory reading #i rlly wanna know how other people manage it. i really dont think there *is* a way to manage it when you are neurodivergent and Sick #do not get me wrong im grateful to have a job and be able to work i just wish i didnt need to so i could focus on uni #i feel like im going to end up with a worse degree class than im actually capable of because i just cant spend the time on uni that i want

[lemongogo]

#HELPP ok i have thoughts.my thinking cap back on #LOVEE the ending as far as the actual direction goes yk.like people seeing (literally) the pain&plight of plants #and vowing to protect and look after them w utmost care #loved that knives technically survived the fall and the aftermath esp in recruiting someone to care for vash #BUTTT i dont know how i feel ab his death ;___; the symbolism w the apple tree and him using the last of his energy is sweet #and i dont think i would dislike it necessarily if we just had more time #to marinate in his story.i think... the ending does not give u a lot of time to reach the full conclusion #i think that theres a whole side to his story i WISHH nightow explored and i wish we had seen knives turmoil and vashs acceptance of his #experiences more than the select few scenes we got beforehand. its soo rushed T_T DONT GET ME WRONG im still more or less satisfied that #we didnt get an ending like.. oh everyones dead and miserable and vash killed knives and ppl never learn to coexist right #like it could actually be so thematically worse BUTT im just like. THATS ITTT??? THATS ALL..sitting here twiddling my thumbs #waiting for a complete resolution thatll never come to be.and it sucks bc i wish i could look towards stampede to get that neat wrap up #but stampede completely altered knives' story and fell into the nasty horrid pittrap of aligning him with reprehensible values #so no conclusion of theres will ever touch on max!knives' conclusion and i think that is the thing im looking 4 the most #no conclusion of theirs* sry LAWL #also read some posts (by trigum LUVV ur analyses btw i need to rb some now that i finished) that the max ending #doesnt give vash an ACTUAL ending. we reach the climax in his confrontation with legato and then his commitment to save knives #but anything beyond that just doesnt exist. MY GODD imagining a reality where we got like 5 more chapters at LEAST to #give it a hearty ending #anyways. the reporter bit is so cute im bummed they went straight to that in stamp :sob: best like... cute ending fr #trigun spoilers #trigun maximum #trigun #vash

[milo-is-rambling]

I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like. #what? am I missing something here? #my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day #but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both #gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a #bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of #being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even #with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like #go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m #afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make #this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s #so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room #and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until #my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and #that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad #anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know. #honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down

[em-dashes]

now that suddence is out to betas i'm oscillating between getting more and more self conscious and overthinking about everything that might be wrong with the story vs. knowing that is literally THE POINT of betas and i can't in good conscience let my story slide out into the world with a bunch of faults i didn't catch simply because i was too close to it

#em dashes #DON'T GO EASY ON ME I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING #i just need all my betas to know that I KNOW my story isn't perfect in its current state and that's exactly why it's out for critiques #i think there's always some part of you that wishes the critiques will come back squeaky clean. no notes! absolute perfection! #bc then you'd feel proud! you'd feel like you know what you're doing! like you're a PRO!! #however i gotta remind myself that not even professional writers can crank out perfect stories right away #they all have editors and peer critiques to help them #and i have to be careful about equating critiques as personal failures #because they aren't!! they're there to help!!! #anyway. enough venting for now #it's been a while since i got peer critiques so it's a little unnerving lol #but also also i just saw a very good breakdown of an episode of buffy that deals with grief #and i couldn't help comparing it to suddence which also deals with grief #and thinking 'wow. why didn't i do this. why didn't i do that. am i doing this all wrong' #AHH! writing is a very scary profession sometimes #but to be proud of myself for a second #i've never been so confident as to even show so many people my writing. let alone to receive critique on it #it's so strange to think there was a time where i kept all my writing bottled up and didn't talk about it to anyone even on tumblr #i began posting in 2018. that's not that long ago. that's only five years #and yet it feels like a billion years ago. i was still in university. suddence didn't even exist yet #wow. time is so weird

[coldvampire]

ngl. unconsciously disengaging from this website has been hdjfkg kinda good for my mental health overall? like yes im still dhdjfjf left out of a lot of stuff BUT i see it less so that means my feelings don’t get as hurt lmao. functionally that’s more or less the same thing probably?

going recluse isn’t what i ever want to do (& I didn’t even do it on purpose, just got busy and had a low social battery because of it) but aside from me being overall comfortable by myself, it just kind of seems like it’s where people are content to leave me. doesn’t feel great but it is what it is.

#not rly on discord servers for the same reason tbh #got tired of trying to interject my awkward attempts at participation #I mean people can still @ me but i just don’t have it in me for the server stuff #my social perception is low enough that I can’t tell what the right move is but high enough I know when I fucked up #idk if I’m just not built for larger groups or if it’s something else :( #wish I knew so I could work around it but it’s not exactly a perfect experiment #so w/e. I do kind of miss it a bit but I also feel like my absence doesn’t make a difference #which is a sad thought in itself but that’s how it goes #idk I think in general I’m in a weird spot where I make an impression but it’s never a vital one to the dynamic ? #I do sometimes doubt like. what I bring to interactions in general lately #doesn’t feel like much if I’m being honest. I mean I think I’m at least moderately interesting but djfjf who knows #weirdly settled with myself as a person but I’m thinking that cost is probably an isolating one #knowing a lot of people just never breaking past that surface level #sucks. not much else to describe it as. #idk I’m sure this is bad for me but I think I’ve kind of already messed up first impressions #it’s so stupid but I keep encountering the same dynamic of either we Click fairly quickly or we just don’t really at all #and I feel like that’s wrong of me bc I know some people need time but unless that initial click happens I just seem to falter?? #idk idk idk I guess lately it’s like I feel alone/lonely but I don’t feel like I’m wanting to return to anything #bc I never felt like I really had a place there to start with #weird feeling. very weird feeling. #logging back off now dhjfkf

[leemarkies]

.

#having a Bad Day #one of my bosses was talking to me about classes i should take next year #and gave some helpful ideas about taking trial advocacy and pretrial lit #which. i do plan on taking the latter sometime next year #but both of those classes would severely mess up my entire course schedule and probably wouldn’t allow me to work twice a week at the firm #but i ofc don’t say that i just nod and agree and say thank you. they don’t need to know what classes i’m taking #and then my head boss talks to me after and says they are suggesting these courses bc my analysis writing has gotten worse since i started #and that he noticed i don’t have a ‘passion’ for this work #so . great. now i feel god awful. not about what they think about me but more about whether or not i’ll be able to keep a job here #and like normally i would not care but. i NEED this job i NEED the money #i pay for my mom’s mortgage and i have loans to pay off + just! normal general things to buy! and GAS! #without this job i’d have $240 a month roughly from my other job which is next to nothing #idk what i’m doing wrong. this job is such a ‘trial by fire’ and i’m sooo intimidated by my bosses #and i’m cheery and i don’t complain and i listen and i smile and i work quickly #and sure i make mistakes but i try! i swear! #if i don’t have this job past the summer idk what i’m going to do i’ll be so fucked #putting all of my eggs in this one basket. already committed to this summer but if they don’t want to hire me after graduation #i will be jobless. i have no network. i spend all of my time working or at home bc i live with two disabled people an hour+ away from campus #and i don’t have the time or energy to do anything else #i’ve dealt with soooo much worse in my life idk why i’m freaking out so much rn #i would give anything to call my grandpa rn for some advice but . #…. haha anyways . great weather we’re having

[orcelito]

perhaps also related to the fact that i am scheduled to close this weekend with the person who was apparently laughing about how a year ago there was a supervisor chat without me Specifically for the purpose of shit talking me

and im supposed to treat her graciously after that? get Fucking real.

#speculation nation #negative/ #like. i will. i'll treat her politely as is expected of me working with someone i dont like #even though that wasn't a courtesy extended to me by the people last year. including her apparently! #i dont know why she's come back. i want to gut her like a fish. #i dont think i mentioned that but i learned a few weeks ago that she was laughing about this to a few employees #who called her out for it. which makes me feel very grateful to them. #how fucking immature though. resorting to bullying and ostracizing in a workplace environment. #this was the bullshit that had me fucking Sobbing bc of it all. and you're Laughing about it? #you saw the day that girl screamed at me & how i cried for a half hour straight in storage #until i finally pulled myself together enough to work (though i was still next to tears for Hours) #me. a person who cries Maybe 4 times a year. if even. it had me struggling that hard to not cry. #and this is Funny to you? it's Funny that i was treated like that? just because you all didnt like me bc i was Too Confrontational? #a: im as confrontational as i need to be to avoid problems festering. as a grown fucking adult should be. #and b: even if you didnt like me that's still fucked UP #what the fuck is WRONG with you people??????? why do you take so much glee from my pain? #and again. in a fucking place of work. i know it's food service but Please. have some basic fucking professionalism. #i dont know how im supposed to get through this shift. im so fucking angry at it all. #the anger and frustration has been cycling faster and faster in my heart and i want to Hurt Things but there's nothing im allowed to hurt #so what am i to do? how do i get rid of this feeling? i know what ive done in the past but im not allowed to do that now #with nothing to do im just blasting this fucking song. maybe if i play it loud enough it'll fix me.

[skrunksthatwunk]

haruka should be allowed to be mad at kiryu tbh

#not just in y6 but like all the time #dont get me wrong i LOVE them and i love them being sweet and happy and i love kiryu being a good dad ok #but kiryu is uh. not always the best. in ways that i think she should be upset about #and i think the canon narrative doesnt rlly wanna address that bc kiryu is trying so hard and that effort must be forgiven #and for a happy ending to occur the family must be reunited #and i get that but like. haruka's side of the story is often ignored completely #or else boils down to unconditional daughter love in ways that are supposed to be admirable #and again. i love these two dearly. i love them very very much. but i think that tension should be explored #their relationship would be Very Complex and i think it would be Messy tbh. not like screaming fighting per se but i think haruka should be #allowed some moments of Uncle Kaz Im Sick Of Your Shit type stuff #im not even sure why i feel this way specifically bc i know i used to have reasons for it but like. yeah #even if you dont think haruka's justified or that she's missing some details/perspective or whatever i think she should be hurt and upset #about some of The Bullshit. baby girl needs therapy she needs some support and sometimes kiryu just. idk. #anyway go listen to welly boots by the amazing devil. thats basically my thesis statement #look maybe I'm just projecting my own daddy issues or whatever idk. maybe more people should do that with them like. shit #I'll do it someday I'll make that content i swear #sorry thinkjng about the unconditional daughter love again. she's kind of an ideal. she's a fantasy sometimes of a daughter figure who will #always understand how hard you're trying and be cute and love you no matter what. does that make sense??? and it's like. like i almost feel #bad for knocking that bc i get parents are under a lot of stress but i think she should have that power and that agency to be upset with #him. idk if im making sense. she's reduced to the Ideal Daughter and i want her to be loving and kind but with some moments of bitterness

[asteralien]

i feel like a loading bar that's very slowly ticking up until i actually believe my therapist's belief that i have ocd

#shut up myth #i'm at. like. 30% at this point #i keep trying to talk myself out of it because it feels.......... almost appropriative and i've never seen people talk about the symptoms #that i've felt so it feels VERY fake #but the more i read and the more i talk it over with her the more i'm like......... okay well . maybe. i'll entertain the notion #two really big things that got me are the need to get reassurances from ppl and the need to rewrite things until they're Perfect #like holy shit those are two GIANT parts of why i habitually self isolate #like it feels so bad to consider bc i'm not like........in some ways these are debilitating but in other ways they are very much not #so it's like. i don't have it bad enough. it's like everything that's wrong w/ me #if people with ocd have it up to 100% i have it to 50% if people have depression at 100% i have it to 70% #if people with autism have it to 100% i have it to 60% #like??? #i don't know. i get to work on time for the most part and i do what needs doing for the most part. i'm functional #i don't ENJOY being alive but that could so easily be explained by me being a piece of shit #idk! idk. i'm tired of not knowing for sure but also i am having such a hard time accepting that i'm diagnosable #and not just. as i say. a piece of shit #i can tell it's getting late bc all this self introspection is starting to get me down lmao #gonna light a candle and watch some gumball and go to bed #i oversteeped my oolong :<

[elftwink]

was writing a big long post about gender but then i remembered i don’t really care if people on this website understand or relate to how i articulate my own experiences w/gender which freed me from writing several paragraphs explaining myself and instead give you all the sparksnotes version. anyway i always feel one of the odd parts about my transition is that i was a young girl and i’m a grown man, but i have been neither a young boy nor a grown woman. so i always think it’s weird when i’m expected to have some insights on womanhood like do you want outside observations or the incomplete extrapolations of a 12 year old girl because those are the options. if you want something else you should ask a woman. and if you want the latter you should actually ask a 12 year old girl i havent been one of those in ages ive probably forgotten most of it

#good idea generator #watched princess diaries 2 last night and i have been struck w/idealized slumber party dreams from age idk 11 #not that i ever actually had an idealized slumber party i actually had significant problems that made me real unpleasant at sleepovers #i was oversensitive and did not have good emotional regulation and nights where i could keep it together #it was a lot of work and i would have a meltdown as soon as i got home in the morning lol #my mom would be like 'im not going to let you go on sleepovers if you're going to react like this every time' #and that made me so mad because i knew i wanted to go and enjoyed going and hanging w/friends #and i knew she was interpreting the like snapping and isolating and crying as some sort of outburst w/a purpose #and i was like i do not know how to explain to you that i cannot help doing this i don't know whats wrong and i cannot stop #tbh not sure how that problem got solved. i suppose i just suppressed it probably. and got slightly better at social gatherings #like i can go longer before feeling like that and i'm significantly better and stepping out to self-regulate if i need #and otherwise like. not blowing up at people who did not do anything wrong. love being 12 #i also don't know if this is regular 12 year old behaviour bc on the one hand def people thought i was Being Weird #to the point where i think that's why i was able to stop. hated being Weird more than anything else #but also then i think back to my friends who were also 12 and they were not well adjusted either. due to being 12