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nouearth · 6 months

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baby-sitting for miguel o'hara. (part ii)

miguel o'hara x m!reader headcanons.

part i.

warnings: smut, perverted!miguel, top!miguel, soft!miguel at times!!, bottom!male reader, small!male reader, thoughts of sex, fantasy!sex, masturbation, humping, kinda domestic idk.

notes: it's been a long time coming. 💀 i honestly was struggling to find like a plot for the second part, or just how to move forward. lmao. but i hope this turned out okay???

—never again, miguel promised himself that night.

—it had been a few weeks since he last jerked off to your briefs. the blue undergarment that he came into were thrown somewhere under his bed, far from his reach.

—and as tempting as it was to smell you again, he mustered up the courage to leave the stained fabric alone.

—for good.

—miguel despised what he had become.

—settling his sex life on a lone piece of fabric, it was pathetic.

—from dusk til dawn, you participated in a triathlon of his delirious state of mind and competed for several awards that would then be mediated by miguel.

—had it been a real competition, he would’ve been fired for exhibiting extreme favoritism because you’d win all the trophies and medals.

—a ‘helping hand’ award he would award you a few mornings ago, where he jerked off to the thought of you giving him a handjob during his lunch break.

—multiple ‘most improved’ awards for when you were able to throat his cock a little more than before.

—and another for when your ass was able to take miguel in without needing to pause or adjust for his size, even if the strain of your facial expressions told a different story.

—gagging in between moans, coughing out thick globs of spit, wincing in bittersweet pain when he pushed in, arching in complete pleasure when he pushed out.

—he loved the idea of watching and hearing you struggle because of his cock.

—though, it was only until recently when he began feeling a strong sense of guilt for portraying you in such a manner.

—it was a promotion at work that allowed his hours to be more flexible than before, and miguel utilized that to the fullest by spending every waking second with his daughter.

—and you.

—even when he came home early, he never sent you home.

—maybe it was the perfect opportunity to get one step closer into your pants.

—or maybe he wanted to get to know the babysitter that gabriella had taken an extreme liking to.

—get to know the babysitter that had somehow made miguel feel something more than simply lust.

—you hungry? you haven’t taken your eyes off of your thesis paper since i got here.

—hm...?

—that night, you’d look up at him with those bright eyes, that bright smile that latched onto miguel’s adam apple and made it hard for him to swallow.

—it was as radiant as the first time he saw you. one wouldn’t be able to tell that you’ve been pulling all-nighters for the past few weeks.

—oh! i guess i’m a little hungry. i haven’t eaten since breakfast—

—breakfast? i told you that you could rummage through the pantries, right? you practically live here at this point.

—i know, i know! once i get in the zone, i kind of forget about everything… except for gabriella! it’s funny. as loud as her cries are, they’re kind of my savior right now.

—hm...

—it’s getting late, so i’ll just whip up something at home—

—no, stay. i’ll cook something.

—sir, you don’t have to—

—miguel’s chest swelled. that word again.

—i’m cooking. stay, or i’m firing you for wasting my ingredients.

—hey, unfair! pretty sure that’s a violation of our contract or something!

—it didn’t take long for it to become a regular occurrence.

—miguel would cook a late dinner for two, and he’d join you on the couch with a plate of what the limit of his culinary skills could whip up.

—it wasn’t like this every day, but it was often, which was more than what miguel could ask for.

—he would use the little time he had with you to learn about you more. your interests, your background, your passions, your personality, and you’d do the same.

—on some nights, he’d proof-read your thesis paper and provide some feedback that you would immediately take in consideration and make the changes to your paper.

—on many nights, he’d simply close your laptop and force you to take a break because as alluring as those recent eye bags were, your health was a priority.

—stay for the night. it’s late.

—i’m almost done for the night! i just have a few more—

—nope, you’ve used up all your excuses. i’m confiscating this.

—where am i even supposed to sleep?!

—and on those many nights, you’d end up sleeping on miguel’s couch despite the persistent offers of his comfier bed.

—there would be times where you two would chat into the night while the tv played in the background.

—you’d ask each other about your day, tell stories about gabriella, bond over shared interests, fueled debates over a quality of a certain movie, until fatigue hit either you or miguel.

—usually you were the first one to fall asleep, and he would watch you silently.

—the flickering lights from the tv would accentuate your features in the night, and he never knew he could find you even more handsome.

—your complete vulnerability was enticing.

—you would curl into the blanket he’d given you, and miguel would take the time to count the seconds it would take for you to exhale your dreams.

—the longer it was, the deeper you were into your sleep.

—it wouldn’t be until thirty exhales more that miguel would send himself to bed.

—five seconds, miguel would find himself mimicking the pattern of your breath before he drifted off into the night.

—then there would be nights where the subject matter would be more personal, more than miguel would have liked.

—does it get lonely sometimes?

—i’d be lying if i said no. not all the time, though. i have gabriella.

—huh…

—is that why you’re a complete grump all the time?

—watch it.

—i’m kidding! good thing you have me too, right?

—yeah.

—good thing i have you too… miguel sighed heavily at the empty side of his bed, staring into the darkness until the shadows from the night had forged a shape of your body.

—he closed his eyes when he felt a whisper of your lips near his, barely ghosting over his pair, and stroke himself to the possible reality of you becoming his.

—fuck... he then lied on his stomach and began humping into the bed, against the bed sheets, and held the imagination of your body close to his own, protecting you like his life depended on it.

—i need you… miguel pressed his face into the pillow, inhaling the memory of your shampoo as he polished his hips further into the bed.

—his cock rubbed in between his body and the soft sheets as he’d imagine unsheathing himself in and out of you at a slow yet steady pace.

—because he needed to savor you.

—he would imagine how you’d respond with every thrust.

—your words would glue to your throat because you’d be too overwhelmed by his size, by the pleasure that miguel would finally be delivering to you, by the doting hold around you, and with the aid of his hips, your words would like crystallized honey.

—miguel would push his cock into you deeper, taking in the sound of your voice into his with a warm kiss. — i—

—you would draw out sounds from your throat until they were practically begs when miguel would pull out excruciatingly slow to tease, then a demand as he would doubt your confession by cautiously following the outline of your pucker with the tip of his cock.

— need—

—his hips would lift, then come down onto you like hail. hard and sudden as his cock would ram into your tight fill, knock your breath back into the tight of your throat.

— you—

—you need him.

—miguel could tell from the way you completed allowed him to invade your reserve until he was balls-deep inside of you.

—from the way he’d pull out once more and your hole would memorize the shape of his cock, down to his thick girth. puckering to the recollection of his throbbing veins.

—and he’d be the one to bridge the puzzle pieces together as he would press himself forward and bend your legs back before slamming his cock back into you with the delirious evocation of lust.

—you would stifle your moans into your forearm as the bed rocked to the strong rhythm of miguel’s thrusts, but he’d pull your arms away and hold your wrists above your head.

—he needed to hear you.

—hear how much you wanted him, how much you needed him.

— i’m going to come—

—you’d grunt in between the heavy and sticky sounds of your skin colliding against one another, into the thick air that you and miguel had mutually forged together.

—his other hand had been wrapped around your cock, jerking the throbbing muscle to every count of his balls bouncing off your bottom.

—he would squeeze and stroke, your pre-cum coming down in thick drips, and he would thumb at the slippery wet slip until the pad of his thumb was layered in your thick substance.

—until his fist was covered in a glorious amount of your warm cum, inking him deep with your devotion before feeding you of your own need.

—he would bring his hand up to you and slip two fingers inside of your mouth. your tongue would slowly roll over his cum-covered digits, sucking the bittersweetness off of him.

—it wouldn’t be long until it would be miguel’s turn.

—miguel would continue bringing the remaining fingers up to your mouth for you to cleanse him off, and it would be enough for him to have him in shambles.

—imagining you devour your own sweet lust until all five of his fingers were polished clean awakened him to another level of pure ecstasy, and miguel groaned, rocking desperately into his bed.

—your warm hands would all over his toned body, fueling the tension in his stomach as you would prioritize the center of his abdomen.

—fuck, come in me—

—miguel would his weight onto you, his large body practically devouring you in sheer size as the heat and sweat confined you to the parameters, and he’d hold you close once more by slipping his arms around you.

—a cycle of thrusts quickened every round and you held onto him. kissing at the side of his neck. suckling at the round of his shoulder.

—i’m coming… he muttered to himself, to no one but the wrinkled sheets beneath him, and fucked his cock harder into his bed.

—and when you heard a shudder coming from the depths of miguel’s strained throat, you licked a stripe at the center of his throat to pacify him, making your way to the plush of his lips, and kissed him at the pivot of his climax.

—miguel would exhale hard against your mouth before kissing you and spilling delirious moans into the captivity when he would begin flooding your insides with his thick and warm cum.

—heavy ropes would ricochet off your violated inside, but miguel would press into you closer, harder, and intimately so, until your foreheads were bruised into one another.

—in occurring reality, miguel painted his bed sheets in thick layers of warmth and musk. layers of cum wetting his bed as he desperately held onto his fantasies with sensitive rolls of his hips.

—his tongue would tangle into yours, practicing a slow, sensitive waltz as his softening cock would sink deep into your hole.

—and you would moan and suckle around him as you felt every drop of cum warm you from the inside and out, shielding you from the goosebumps that would frost your skin.

—the kiss would remain its passionate dance as you both relaxed into each other. your legs unwrapped to tangle into miguel’s, expertly lifting the blanket over your feet in the process.

—he would hold you tighter once he broke the kiss, turning you on your side as he lied flat on his back.

—your head would rest on his chest after pulling the remaining blanket up to your bodies and you would sigh, suddenly feeling drowsier with miguel’s warm caress aiding sleep against your back.

—for the remaining moment, he would gaze at the sheen of sweat that highlighted the flush of your skin.

—he would listen to the beat your heart, slowly coming to its resting pace as you succumb to sleep under the spell of his doting touch.

—and he would strangely feel a need to hold you, shelter you inside of his arms because he feared something would happen to you.

—fuck.

—miguel quickly rolled back onto his back in the midst of catching his breath, the shadows that had formed the image of you unfurling into obscurity.

—he felt his heart race, bullets rebounding off the beating surface like a drum, and he placed a hand over his chest to pacify at the sudden swell of his chest. —i think i love you.

nouearth. please do not repost, plagiarize, or translate my works. and if you like this story, please reblog and leave a like!

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pix3lplays · 3 months

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Gallagher headcanons you say???? 👀 oooo I came running lol

Do you have any thoughts of a lonely reader and, since you mentioned a lowkey lonely Gallagher, just two kindred spirits vibing and finding each other in the hustle and bustle of Penacony? Maybe they’re both introverts and find solace in each other after their busy schedules 🥺 idk I thought it was cute? Lol

Oh that’s SO cute yes~

Cw: I ended it angsty, Sorry I love angst, arguments

-Gallagher x lonely!reader-

I don’t know entirely how it works yet since they haven’t shown us but…he IS a mixologist so he probably does work at a bar or something, at least sometimes.

So it really was pure chance that you happened to come across him.

It’s late…early I guess. Almost closing time. Usually he’d be a little annoyed at someone coming in right before closing but as soon as his eyes land on you he just…oh. He just can’t bear to think anything negative about you. You’re just like him, aren’t you…?

You’re very quiet but…you smile at him when you sit down at the bar. He initially tries to keep it professional, he’ll just ask you what you want, give it to you, and call it good. But it literally is just the two of you in that little bar, and eventually he gives up on being professional and pours himself a drink before coming over to you.

He knows you’re not gonna tell on him.

You really can’t tell what his intentions are. Is he just being friendly, or…?

But let’s be real you’re definitely both flirting with each other, in that sad lonely pathetic desperate way where if anyone was watching they’d just feel bad for both of you, haha…

It ends with him writing his number on a cocktail napkin for you and offering to walk you home.

You decide to let him. Strangely enough you just Know you can trust him.

It’s so early in the morning…but you’re so alone when he leaves you at your apartment. Eventually you just give in and call his number and surprisingly he picks up.

Guess he was having a hard time sleeping too…

But he really does just stay up talking to you about any random thing you two can think to talk about until you’re finally ready to pass out.

Before you hang up though, he has to ask.

“Will I see you again?”

You’re taken aback. He…actually wants to see you again. You haven’t experienced THAT in a while.

“Yeah, I think so.”

You can feel him smiling through the phone. He tells you he looks forward to it, and now you’re feeling obligated to actually see him again.

Honestly neither of you even know what you want out of this. Just a companion for a couple of nights? Or a real relationship?

You don’t want to hurt him, even if it’s by accident, but you literally don’t even know what he wants.

You’ve…got to ask. It’s not until your first date where you actually get the courage to ask. For some reason you’re scared to hear it if he doesn’t actually want a real relationship…

He looks real flustered when you ask him that. He looks away, laughs a bit awkwardly, but he’s honest. “I was hoping we could…be together for a while, actually.”

You’re excited for the first time in a while.

And thusly your relationship with Gallagher actually begins.

Unfortunately he is a BUSY man. He leaves you alone a lot, not by choice.

It’s really hard to find him at work too-he’s always on the move around Penacony given his job as a security guard…

Actually whoa the angst is real-hang on hear me out…

You’re still SO lonely, even with Gallagher as your boyfriend. He’s ALWAYS away at work. Always. And of course given that you can never find him at work he’s still Super lonely too-

You’re just…not really clicking.

And when you do get to spend time together he’s always So exhausted…it’s rare that he has the energy to do anything with you…you feel so terrible for him when you see how tired he is…but you can’t just…spend all your time sitting around waiting for one of his rare days off so he can actually spend time with you.

You get into arguments sometimes…it’s sad because you really do feel like the bad guy when you fight with him. You just want a bit more of his time but…he literally cannot give that to you. He has his obligations as a member of the Bloodhound Family.

He’s told you before. Find someone better than him. Find someone who can give you the time you actually need.

But still, I think it would really hurt him when you tell him you just can’t do it anymore.

Him coming home and you’re not there waiting for him…yeah. He’d take it pretty hard I think.

But he really loved it while it lasted. He should’ve known though. A man like him was meant to be alone, he literally just doesn’t have the time for a partner…

Sorry @hydra-sea I don’t think you wanted it angsty but this is where my mind went-😭😭

#honkai star rail #honkai star rail x reader #Gallagher #hsr Gallagher x reader #honkai star rail Gallagher x reader #Gallagher x reader

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maybank-archives · 7 months

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Hii, could I request jj x reader where she’s been feeling kinda lonely and jj’s worried? just pure comfort please

lonely - jj maybank

⎯⎯⎯⎯��⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

warning: angsty? fluff? soft!jj maybank?

word count: 0.7k

author’s notes: i'm guessing y'all reaaaaally are into soft jj! 4 in a row! i tried my best to make every each one of this different but idk.

masterlist | join the taglist | kinktober!!!!

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Ding!

My phone lit up once more, marking the fourth notification from the same sender, my boyfriend, JJ.

I knew that would happen the moment I declined another invitation to go out with everyone.

With a sigh, I unlocked my phone and tapped on his message. "Hey, babe, why don't you want to come? It's gonna be cool!" I hesitated, then began typing my reply, "I just need some quiet time tonight, J."

Moments later, another message popped up from JJ, "Got it, is everything okay?" I stared at the screen, contemplating. After a couple minutes, I wrote back, "I promise, everything's okay. I just need some me-time. We'll hang out soon, I promise." As I set my phone aside, the feeling of emptiness has settled in my chest.

There’s no way to explain the place I found myself. Despite my life being pretty much fun and full of adventure, I feel lost, disconnected, and overwhelmingly lonely even though I’m most of my time surrounded by people. It was as if a million of uncertainty popped into my mind every five seconds.

I crawled into my bed, aware that my sleep wouldn’t come any time soon, just like every other night, when my thoughts and paranoias kept me awake for hours. This heavy feeling in my chest didn’t make things any easier either.

I decided to go to the kitchen, a snack might help, right? Nope, I tried that the other night Maybe. My hands reach for the cookies on the back of the cabinet when I hear a knock on the door. My heart skipped a beat as I went kind of scared to answer it, I opened it just to find JJ standing right in front of me.

He looked at me with concern in his eyes and a determined expression on his face. "Hey," he said, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation. "What can I say? I can’t leave my girl alone."

My heart was still beating fast when I hugged him tightly. He held my face planting a kiss on my lip. “I’ve been noticing how you’re distant lately and I’m here at your service, If you feel like talking, sure, we can talk. And if you don't, that's cool too. I'll just hang out with you, no pressure.”

I felt a lump form in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I have been keeping my feelings bottled up, not wanting to burden JJ with my problems. But seeing him now, the concern in his eyes, made me realize just how honest I can be with him, even though I can’t tell what’s wrong.

“I didn’t mean to worry you,” I mumbled.

“I know, I know, I’m here to keep you company.”

I buried my face in his chest, finally letting the tears flow freely. "I've been feeling so lost, J,” I confessed. "I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know if it’s anxiety or…." I can’t finish my sentence without sobbing.

JJ held me tighter. "It’s okay, I’m here now," he said softly. "We'll figure this out together, just like we always do," he added.

“I-I really didn’t want to worry you, Jay.”

“Hey, you need to know that I’m here, you don’t have to go through this alone,” he said “You were there for me always, it’s no different now.”

I nodded, "Thank you for being here, J," I whispered, wiping away my tears.

He gave me a warm smile and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. "Always, Y/N. Now, how about we get some rest? I'll stay with you tonight, no more loneliness, okay?"

I nodded again, feeling a sense of comfort wash over me. We walked to the bedroom together, and as we settled into bed, JJ pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me protectively.

We lay there in silence for a while, my mind started to calm down. I snuggled closer to JJ, as he gently rubbed my hair. For the first time in a couple weeks, the exhaustion and the emotional breakdown caught with me and I just fell asleep into JJ’s arms, there was no reason to feel alone with his presence.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

#obx #outerbanks #jj maybank #jj obx #outer banks #rudy pankow #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank x you #soft!jj maybank #jj maybank obx #jj maybank outer banks #jj maybank fluff #comfort jj maybank #boyfriend!jj maybank #jj maybank headcanon

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ramshackledtrickster · 2 years

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Ugh I feel awful for not having motivation to draw recently but I guess (even though this is old art) it could be a jumping point into introducing the Connor and what fear he becomes an avatar for in the Magnus archives au ! I’ll make better reference of him… eventually.

Connor is an avatar of the Lonely.

More under the cut

As the name suggests, this is the manifestation of fear of isolation, being cut off and alone, and being disconnected. It typically manifests in the form of fog, faceless crowds, ships and travel. This Fear in particular can latch onto someone being tormented by another Entity (the buried, the spiral, etc), and Connor likely had multiple brushes with the Lonely before becoming an avatar fully.

The Lonely (to me) feels pretty applicable to Connor, since it’s hard to find allies and throughout the course of his game he feels more and more disconnected from his family back at the village (what I feel is one of his biggest fears, both in canon and for this au), and by the end… well, he lost it. When everyone had moved without him, and he realized it’s too late, a huge part of him dies with it, and finally lets the Lonely take him.

He still has the homestead, and cares for them (and protects the homestead itself through a nearly impenetrable mist), but he’s all but a ghost for a while. The Davenport Homestead becomes his domain, and it’s impossible to locate on a map— coordinates don’t make sense, it’s wiped out completely on paper, unwelcome visitors either find themselves wandering through misty woods for days and wind around and around (hostiles tend to get lost and killed off quite quickly)… supernatural shit. (Not quite canon to the Magnus Archives, but I like picturing him with ‘cold’ motifs. Frost on his robes and gear, the temperature around him dropping, frosbite on his fingers… things like that)

I don’t like ultimate downer endings for Connor, considering his message of hope and perseverance, but I can’t imagine him not experiencing some of his lowest low points when losing things he had fought and sacrificed so much to protect.

This is pretty divergent from what I know of canon lore I think, but I like to imagine Connor healing and being able to break away from the Lonely. It’s scary, and he grows weak when he doesn’t ‘feed’ the entity enough through his own isolation and misery, but it’s love for his people and the homestead and hope that things will be made right that keeps him strong and gives him strength, despite all the losses he had to endure from such a young age. Though the Homesteaders don’t quite know what’s going on with him and this whole other world with these entities, they love Connor and miss him in a sense. He couldn’t let his fear hold him back from protecting those he has in the immediate present. This new sense of love and purpose makes it hard for the Lonely to stick to him and finds him unsustainable, so maybe it finally tries to look for other candidates.

As in assassin’s creed’s canon, Connor indeed lives a long, happy life with a loving family. The tendrils of grief and how alone he felt when he had lost so much can loom around him, but he finds peace and fulfillment, and is probably one of the very few characters in this au that have successfully separated from their entity.

I know this kinda,, idk I don’t feel quite satisfied with this and I know it’s pretty lore divergent from TMA since idk if avatars can break from the Fears without facing extreme trouble, but I can’t help trying to give Connor a happy ending in an au based off a horror podcast lmao

#assassins creed #assassins creed 3 #connor kenway #ratonhnhaké:ton #ac tma au #my art #fanart

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mintywolf · 9 months

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A Long Road Home - Author Notes

Page 25

Oh no, I made the whole Bradbury family adorable. (I guess it’s hereditary.)

I’m not sure exactly how old they’re supposed to be; by the time she’s 20 they’re both described as looking “older” but that was after 5 years of Bad Times Whitestone under the Briarwoods. So I’d guess early-mid 30’s? Kinda late (for the setting) to have a toddler. I like the implied fairy-tale motif of a couple who wanted a child for a long time finally ending up with a really weird one.

Imogen and Matilda both had unusually lonely childhoods because, despite both growing up on a farm, they don’t have any siblings. With Imogen it’s explained by Liliana leaving when she’s still a baby and Relvin never remarrying (and since he’s described as in his mid-late 40’s with a 28-year-old daughter, they got married pretty early) but with Matilda I suppose either her parents either couldn’t have more children, or, after all the difficulty they had with her, didn’t want to risk any more. :/

Sooo . . . okay okay okay. If you’re familiar with the show you’ve probably figured out what’s going on here. (If you’re not, don’t worry, Imogen doesn’t know either so it still has to be explained to her as well as the audience. You’re not totally out of the loop here.) There have been a few hints along the way, and a few clever readers picked up on it in advance. (Gold star!)

After Episode 37 I got really excited about the possibility that Imogen coming into contact with Laudna’s soul in the little memory vignettes we see in the shadow realm might have changed, if not the actual past, the memories themselves. (Idk how many people remember this short comic I drew on the subject in between 37 and 38.) Episode 38 did confirm that they managed to influence at least one; she remembers feeling their presence when she was building Pâté, so that a little bit of all of them ended up in him. (Which, given this table, explains a lot about his personality.) But I think, though, that by “it rewrote that memory a little bit” she probably means her experience reliving it in the Domain of Dread and not the actual memory, because she says with them there “it didn’t feel so lonely that time,” so she still has the original memory.

I got really attached to the idea though, and as with my last comic I had kind of wanted to include a slight road-not-taken AU element, something just to the left of canon but within the bounds of possibility presented by it, so it’s not just a straightforward retelling. (Incidentally both twists involved the characters being bonded on a soul-deep level.) Here it’s that Laudna can remember Imogen, in what is still the future for her, meeting her in her past.

That throughout all the loneliest parts of her life she had the memory of this loving presence and a voice that had spoken to her with kindness and told her it was going to be okay. That when she awoke, terrified and alone, from death the first time it was with the memory of having been told, “when it starts to get scary, you just come find us. We’re gonna get you home.” That even in her 30+ years of wandering the earth being chased from hovel to hovel she knew that there was a home somewhere out there in someone who needed and loved her.

I just . . . have a lot of feelings about Episode 37.

It ended up fitting really well with another recurring theme I have planned/written for Laudna in this that will become more apparent as she continues to share her story with Imogen, in that she isn’t a totally reliable narrator, even when she’s letting her into her mind, and she has contrasting memories of why things are the way they are. (Did she, for example, name herself “Laudna” after gothic literature drug of choice laudanum, or because of what she used to sing to Pâté, or, a secret, third thing . . . because it’s what Imogen called her in the past?)

It also, narratively, gives her a reason to come to Marquet in the first place, and gives some direction to her three decades of wandering around. What she said a few pages ago about having been searching for Imogen her entire life wasn’t just romance novel-inspired sappiness. She has actually been searching for her for that long!! (That whole page is probably worth a reread now that you know the thing.)

There have been a few other dropped bread crumbs along the way, which a couple people noticed right from her first appearance when Imogen overhears her thinking that “it probably isn’t even the right town,” implying that she’s looking for one in particular. On the next page there’s also this panel, which, when unblurred by a concussion, looks like this:

Not that significant-looking but it’s also from Episode 37 (and which I only deploy for purposes of inflicting suffering, haha, it is uttered by a 1 hp Matilda in Remember Us too) when Imogen reaches out to Matilda’s mind for the last time and she reaches back in recognition to lay her hand up against hers on the other side of the window.

I think this particular Past Matilda encounter, chronologically the earliest, actually makes the best case for Imogen and the other Hells having reached through the veil somehow. All the other memories they see involve some notable event in her life — she’s creating Pâté, she’s being betrayed and having her heart broken by her first crush, she’s getting ready for the dinner party that’s about to change (and end) her life. But when they meet Matilda at age 3 (an age it’s rare to have many coherent memories of to begin with) she’s not doing anything but playing by herself in the barn. The most memorable thing about it is that it’s the first time she met Imogen.

Now, here’s the conversation from the show with Baby Tillie taking place in panel 1 of this page:

Imogen: Laudna? . . . Matilda? Are you there? Matilda: Yeah? Imogen: I want to find you and help. Can you show me the path? Matilda: I’m just playing by myself. Imogen: Where are you? Matilda: I’m playing in the barn. Imogen. The barn. Is that outside of town? Matilda: Usually. But not today. Imogen: Can you see the tree, honey? Matilda: No, the tree scares me. Imogen: What does the barn look like? Matilda: Well, it’s kind of red, and it’s tall. It’s got big doors on it. I’m up at the top of it. There’s a ladder you take, and I made some dolls. (Pause) Imogen: We’re coming up, honey. Orym: Hey, Matilda. Hey. Are you by yourself here? Imogen: Who are the dolls, honey? Matilda: They’re . . . I made a nice woman, and I made a bird that can take me away from here. Imogen: We can be that bird for you. We can take you away. Matilda: Where will we go? Imogen: Home. Somewhere safe. Is there . . . is there a mean woman around here? Matilda: Yeah. She won’t let me leave. Imogen: Have you seen her lately? Matilda: She’s sort of out that way. (points towards the tree) Ashton: Matilda? Can you tell me about this drawing? It’s interesting. What were you thinking? Matilda: That’s what’s beyond the city. That’s what everything is now. Imogen: Have you tried to leave? Matilda: The tree won’t let me. Orym: You’re going to come with us, Matilda. We’re gonna go. Would you like that? Matilda: The tree won’t let me. (discussion about escaping the barn) Imogen: Matilda, do you have a secret way out of here? (She disappears)

For when we see it again here (which we will eventually) I rewrote it a bit to fit onto a single comic page (and also so it seems less like Bells Hells is attempting to abduct a toddler haha D: ) but the emphasis is the same. She’s alone and scared in a nightmare place and a benevolent presence tells her, “Come home.”

The title of the comic probably makes more sense now. :)

(Kinda mad because I had “Imogen is Laudna’s home” as an overarching theme long before FRIDA slid into Imogen’s DMs with “home can be a person” and now it’s going to be in everything, ever but oh well! It’s been here since the title page.)

#a long road home #author notes

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nottapossum · 10 months

Text

Itty Bitty imps chapter 18: I’ll be there

Summary:

Loona is suspicious about Fizzarolli and Stolas.

Notes:

TW: Talking about past, sexual talk, adoption, giving up, drunkenness, loneliness, teasing? Idk lmk if I should add something

~~~Loona~~~

Loona really couldn’t hear what Blitzø and the weird clown guy were talking about, she didn’t think to pay attention, she figured it was business as usual.

Even when the clown left in such a hurry, Loona didn’t question it, most people don’t like talking to Blitzø that long.

But then she saw both M&M hurry to Blitzø’s office.

“Was that Fizzarolli?” Moxxie asks.

“Was that the clown I knocked out with a guitar?” Millie asked at the same time.

When Millie and Moxxie walk out of Blitzø’s office, they were both extremely confused. “What do you suppose he wanted?” Moxxie asks.

“I don’t know, but why was Blitzø acting so weird about it?” Millie asks back.

“What was that about? Who’s Fizzarolli?” Loona interrupts, curiosity overtaking her. Something was off, and she can tell.

“I guess he must be an old friend of Blitzø’s. We met him at Ozzie’s…” Moxxie explains. “Kinda.”

Loona tilts her head. “Ozzie’s…?”

“For our anniversary dinner, remember?” Millie asks.

Loona’s ears perk up… The night of that party in gluttony…

“Fizz?” She asks, starting to get angry. “The clown’s name is Fizz?!”

“Fizzarolli, yeah.” Millie shrugs. “Some clown though. He was kinda a jerk.”

“Kinda?” Moxxie asks. “The guy made fun of my song, then publicly humiliated Blitzø on stage!”

Loona growled softly, then she held her phone back up to her face, letting the rest of M&M’s conversation fade in the background.

They can’t know what she was really thinking…

She didn’t feel it best to get those two involved.

~~~Past: Loona, after the party~~~

“I had a really shitty day.” Blitzø told her once he was settled on the couch.

“Oh yeah? Is that why you drank like- five gallons worth of who knows what?” She asks.

“Fuck, Fizz was right… I’m gonna die alone, aren’t I?”

Loona didn’t respond.

“Just a wrinkly old withered waste…” he adds. “My dad was right too…no one would want me, I fuck everything up. I’ll be alone forever.” He cries.

Loona squinted at him, confused. “Blitzø, what are you-“

“Everyone knows it…They only like the cute ones who listen…and I don’t listen…” he whines.

“What are you talking about?” She asks.

“I’ll be alone…” he says as if that’s an explanation. “I can’t bring her back…she’s gone! And she’ll never forgive me, and he’ll never forgive me…n’ I jus’ ru’n ever’thin…” he says, slurring his words, getting more tired.

Loona has no idea who this ‘she’ could be… but, whoever it was must’ve hurt a lot to loose.

“Will you be there, Loonie?” He asks suddenly, clear as day.

“Be where?” She asks, tilting her head.

“I dunno jus…lonely…die alone.”

She still doesn’t know what he meant… he was just drunk and sad.. and she thought maybe it was best to not think too much into it. “I’ll be there, Dad.” She promised.

~~~present~~

She hadn’t thought about that night since. (But, she hasn’t let Blitzø pick her up at any other parties either.)

Blitzø has been acting really weird lately. And then this clown guy just shows up…

What’s going on with him?

~~~Fizzarolli and Asmodeus~~~

Fizzarolli went back home, glad that conversation was behind him. He hates when he’s wrong and unfair to people. But, he just couldn’t stand to look at Blitzø’s stupid face. Can anyone really blame him for that?

“Hey, Fizz. Where have you been?” Asmodeus asks. “Dinner is about ready.” He says, cutting something up in the kitchen.

“I- I was…in pride…” Fizz admits, sitting down at the table.

“Pride? Why?” Asmodeus asks.

“I left to talk to Blitzo about yesterday…and our fight.” Fizzarolli says.

Asmodeus raises an eyebrow. “You walked all the way to pride?” Asmodeus asks, confused. Littles aren’t supposed to drive…and they can’t go to the station by themselves either.

Fizzarolli looks away from him, he didn’t walk…but, he doesn’t really want a lecture about that right now.

Asmodeus hums suspiciously. “Okay… maybe I don’t want to know.” He sighs. “How did it go with Blitzø?”

Fizz shrugs. “Better than you’d think actually, he agreed to maybe having another play date sometime.”

“Fizz, that’s great!” Asmodeus says.

“I guess…yeah.” Fizz says, rubbing his arm awkwardly. Now that he’s actually done it, he’s worried it’ll prove to be a huge mistake.

“You guess? Fizz, what’s wrong?” Asmodeus asks, pulling out two plates and starting to sort food out for the two of them.

“Nothing.” The imp says.

Asmodeus sighs. “Fizz…I know you better than that.” He says, setting one plate in front of Fizz, and the other in front of him as he takes a seat at the table.

Fizz knows he’s not going to be able to convince Asmodeus that everything was fine, so he explains: “Okay, I’m just…I’m feeling a bit uneasy now.” Fizz says.

“Oh?” Asmodeus asks.

“I don’t know..I’m just not sure if this was a good idea…ya know?” Fizz asks. “Blitzo is still Blitzo.”

“Then, why exactly did you go talk to Blitzø?” Asmodeus asks.

“I don’t know! I felt guilty! Besides, I don’t want to be difficult for you anymore.” Fizzarolli says. “I won’t be so needy or lonely when I’m regressed if I have someone to play with... It’s not fair you had to deal with that this whole time.”

“Fizzarolli, look at me.” Ozzie takes Fizz’s hand and leads him close to him, picking him up and setting him on his lap, arms wrapped around him. “You are never difficult. You are my precious, beautiful fallen angel; I only worry that I am not enough for you when you’re in headspace, sometimes you’re so lonely you cry. I only thought having a little friend would benefit you and make you happier.” Asmodeus explains.

Fizz rests his head against Asmodeus and shrugs. “It might. I guess we’ll have to see.” Fizz says. “But, for the record. You are always enough for me; in fact, you’re more than I deserve.”

“Nothing is beyond what you deserve, Fizz.” Asmodeus says. “Nothing.”

Fizz smiles, he doesn’t really believe it, but he’s glad Asmodeus thinks so.

“Are you sure you actually want him around?” Asmodeus asks. “We don’t have to invite him over, you don’t have to see him again if that’s what you want.”

Fizzarolli shakes his head. “No, I’m okay with it. My younger self seems to want him around. And I kinda want to give it a chance to see where it goes.”

“You sure?”

Fizzarolli nods. “I don’t like him, but I don’t not trust him.” Fizz explains. “Plus you will be there this time…right?”

Asmodeus smiles. “Of course I will.”

Fizz smiles back. “So, I know whatever happens…it’ll be okay.”

“So, should I call Stolas to see if he’d like to schedule something?” Ozzie asks.

Fizz nods. “Yeah, you can do that.”

He knows he’s safe, besides he sorta owes Blitzø after the way he treated him…

On the other hand, Blitzø is an asshole who was personally responsible for his charred limbs.

But, that didn’t make him feel any better about it, they might be able to call it even and move on. That would be nice.

Who knows, maybe it will work out despite his anxieties.

~~~Loona and Blitzø, that night: ~~~

Blitzø walked into the apartment with a few plastic bags. “I’m home, loonie. I didn’t really feel like cookin’ so I got take out.” He announced.

Loona looked up from the chair in the living room, only giving him a thumbs up as a response.

“How was your day?” He asks, setting the bag of food down on the coffee table as he sits down on the couch.

“How was yours?” Loona asks accusingly.

Blitzø looked at her confused. “Uh, fine? Are you okay, Loonie?”

“Are you fucking the clown?” She asks.

“Excuse me?” Blitzø raises an eyebrow.

“The clown that showed up today, are you fucking him or not?” She asks.

Blitzø was taken aback. “Since when do you care who I fuck?” He asks.

“I don’t! But, if you’re cheating on Stolas, don’t you think it’s time you end it with him already?” She asks.

“Cheat- what? Loona, we’re not dating! Not that it’s any of your business.” He says.

“Really? Cuz, you’ve been spending an awful lot of time together.” Loona says. “Something is going on between you two. I want to know what it is. Now.” She demanded.

“Loona, just drop it.” Blitzø says, glaring at her. “Nothing is going on.” He insists.

“I know it’s none of my business! But, you’re the one who’s so worried about dying alone!” Loona says.

“What the fuck are you even talking about?” Blitzø asks. “You’re talking random nonsense!”

Loona sighs, annoyed. “After you picked me up from that party in gluttony…We came home and you had a meltdown. Don’t you remember?” She asks.

Blitzø paused. “Oh…no, not really.” Blitzø didn’t know what to say, he honestly doesn’t remember much. He remembered Ozzie’s, he remembered the party, loona driving him home….

Then it was a complete blank.

“You just- lately, you seem to be doing okay. And, it’s all of a sudden! I thought maybe you two were trying to make things work.” Loona says, looking almost upset by that idea, hurt.

“Would that be a bad thing?” Blitzø asks, seriously. It was pretty much impossible for him and Stolas to work but, hypothetically, would Loona honestly disapprove of them being together?

Loona sighs in frustration. “I don’t know.” She says. “But, this does effect me, Blitzø. If you go around and fuck Dennis or a stupid clown or whoever without actually getting serious, I really couldn’t care less. But If you decide to be serious with someone…that does effect me. You know?”

Blitzø nods. “You’re right, it does.” He agrees.

Loona scoffs. “So?!”

Blitzø nods, deciding that what Loona needed was him be clear.“Fizz and I aren’t fucking OR dating. And Stolas and I are just friends with business-related benefits, that’s it. I’m not dating anyone, and I don’t want to be. Alright?” He asks.

“Good…because I don’t want to wind up alone either.” She says. “I’ve been alone long enough.”

“You won’t be.” Blitzø promises.

She nods. “Good.” Loona picked up her fork and a take out box, pushing around her food. “So…what is going on with you two?”

“Guess we’re not dropping this then?”Blitzø asks.

“Why was Fizz at IMP? Why do you care about what he says? And why have you and Stolas been acting weird and spending more time together?” Loona asks.

Blitzø hesitates. “….we’re not acting weird.” Blitzø mumbles.

Loona raises an eyebrow. “Via and I have been talking, we both agree you are.” Loona says. “So what’s going on?”

Loona waited for a response, but sighs when she doesn’t get one. “Fine, don’t tell me. But, I’m going to figure it out.” She says.

“You caregivers always think you know best, don’t you?” Blitzø mumbles again.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asks.

Blitzø sighs. “Forget it. Can we just eat and go back to you not giving a shit about me and my personal life?”

“Fine.” Loona says.

“Great.” Blitzø matches her energy.

They sit in silent for a few moments as Loona tried to put the pieces together…then she had a sudden realization. “The cute ones…Oh, shit! Stolas is your caregiver, isn’t he?” She asks.

Blitzø’s head shot up at Loona, accidentally confirming it.

"You’re a fucking little, now it all makes sense!” She says.

“Loona, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Blitzø says.

“This whole time I was worried that you and Stolas were up to something...”

“Loona!” Blitzø warns, trying to get her to stop.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you are a little?” She asks.

“For fucks sake, Loonie! It doesn’t really effect your life one way or the other!” He says.

“It kinda does!” She says. “Besides, you knew my classification when you adopted me! It’s only fair I know the truth!”

Blitzø stands up. “You’re my daughter, alright? It’s my job to worry about you, not the other way around.” He says.

“Well, too bad!” Loona says. “If something is going on, I’m going to worry! So you’ve been leaving so Stolas can like- babysit you or something?” She asks.

“Stop.” Blitzø tells her as he starts to walk towards the door.

But Loona doesn’t stop, instead she stands up. “Why would you get him involved? The more you let him in-“

“I didn’t! He got himself involved! Kinda like you are right now!” Blitzø says. “I didn’t ask for this.”

“The more you let him in, the more it’ll hurt!” Loona finishes.

“I’d really rather not talk about this anymore.” Blitzø says.

“Blitzø!” Loona shouts. “We have to talk about this!”

“No, we don’t. We really don’t.” He says, reaching for the door.

“Where are you going?” She asks.

“I don’t know! Somewhere that’s not here.” He grabs the door knob, about to turn it…

“Dad, don’t push me away too.” She sighs.

Blitzø stops… he takes a few deep breaths and releases the door handle.

“I’m sorry I yelled and got upset…I just don’t know what to think of all of this.” Loona says.

Blitzø sighs. “Stolas and I have an understanding, he knows I can leave at anytime, alright?”

“Will you?” She asks softly.

“I don’t know yet.” He says. “But, if I don’t that doesn’t mean I’m going to ditch you to go live with him or some shit!” He says. “I would never do that.”

Loona nods. “I’m sorry.” She says, sitting down again. “I’ve been passed around a lot.” She admits.

Blitzø nods, deciding to go sit down with her again. “Loonie…”

Loona sighs. “When people hear a hellhound is a caregiver, not a pet or guardian like usual…they usually try to adopt them as like a lifetime babysitter/guard dog…but, I don’t really work well with kids.” She says. “And I don’t think I’m so good with littles either. You were the only person who ever wanted me…for whatever reason.”

Blitzø frowns, no one should have to go through that.

Loona continues. “I know I don’t always respect you, and I’m never nice to you…but, that doesn’t mean I want to loose you.” She admits.

“You won’t.” Blitzø says. “I’m here if you need me…and even when you don’t. You won’t be able to get rid of me. Ever.” He says.

Loons smiled, tail wagging for only a couple seconds. “Good… and hey. Listen, about the little thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of, alright? You being a little doesn’t change anything about us, I don’t think it’s weird, it actually explains a lot about you… If I’m being really honest, the fact that you’re a little and an assassin…I think that’s pretty cool.” Loona says.

Blitzø’s eyes widen. “Huh. Yeah… I guess it is.” He says.

“How did you manage to keep it a secret?” She asks.

Blitzø’s never admitted the truth about this, but, he didn’t really have a reason to lie to Loona now.

“Fizzarolli and I grew up together.” He explains. “We both knew the other was…you know- and so he helped me find a way to cheat.” He explains. “Since then it’s been a matter of timing.”

“I guess it’s a good thing then. If they knew your real classification, you would have never been able to adopt me.” Loona says.

“Yeah, I guess so.” Blitzø says. He smiles at Loona. “I love you, Loony. I hope you know that.”

Loona nods. “Thats cool. You’re pretty okay, Dad.” She says.

Blitzø chuckles. He knows her calling him ‘dad’ usually implied some form of affection. He really has never been one for commitment, but his fear of failing Loona and ending up like his own father was a much stronger fear.

“And… What about Stolas?” She asks.

“What about him?” Blitzø asks.

“Do you love him?” She asks.

Blitzø sighs. “Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t really like saying that stuff unless I’m sure.”

Loona’s ears perk up at that. “Does he at least make you happy?” She asks.

Blitzø sighs. “Loonie, we’re not-“

“I know! But…does he?” She asks again.

Blitzø shrugs. “Yeah…I think so. I mean- I’m pretty happy.” He admits.

Loona nods. “Then, I guess that’s good enough.” She says. “You obviously don’t need my approval since we’re both adults with our own lives and shit…but, you have it if you want it.”

Blitzø nods. “Thanks, Loonie.”

~~~The next morning~~~

Blitzø gets a call from Stolas, it’s first thing in the morning for Satan’s sake, who the heck is up at seven in the morning?! But, it might be important so, he groans and reluctantly answers. “What the fuck do you want?” He asks.

“Well, good morning to you too.” Stolas says, sarcastically.

“It’s seven in the morning.” Blitzø complains.

“Aww, poor Blitzy. Did you not get enough sweep?~” Stolas asks, baby talking.

“That’s it, if you don’t tell me what you want, I’m edging you for the next three months.” Blitzø threatens.

Stolas chuckles. “I’m sorry, Blitzy. I couldn’t resist.” He says. “Actually, I got a call from Asmodeus this morning. He said you and Fizzarolli made up yesterday.”

“Oh.” Blitzø sits up. “Well, we didn’t really make up per-say. We just decided that even though we hate each other’s guts, our little selves can still be friends or whatever the fuck they are.”

Stolas rolls his eyes. “Right. Because in order to make up you both would have to admit you’re wrong.” Stolas says. “We can’t have that.”

“We’re not wrong.” Blitzø argues.

“Of course not.” Stolas says sarcastically. “Ten year long grudge for reckless teenage behavior is completely understandable.”

Blitzø rolls his eyes. “Did you really call me at seven in the morning just to discuss my relationship with Fizz?” He asks.

“Actually, I was wondering if you’d be okay with meeting with them next weekend. Asmodeus is insisting we go to his place for some reason.” Solas explains. “I understand if you don’t want to, I can tell him no.”

Blitzø panics internally, but he knew he needed to say something…

“Yeah…sure, okay.” He says quickly, then hangs up.

Shit.

#helluva boss age regression #itty bitty imps #age regression #helluva boss agere #age regression fanfic #little!blitzo

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satanicchristiancult · 11 months

Text

To me, Tumblr has always felt like screaming my thoughts into the void.

Other social media, let’s say the only other one in which I actually say something, like Instagram, it feels as if I’m screaming my thoughts to people.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Tumblr with all of my soul, I’ve been here way too long, but I can’t help but feel lonely in it.

The only people who I actually speak to that have Tumblr are the other two people who run this blog, but neither of them is ever here. We don’t speak about what happens here. It’s just me.

Idk. I guess I just- want to belong somewhere.

Tumblr is my safespace. No one who I know IRL can find me here because none of them even use Tumblr, but that doesn’t mean that I can just use it to talk to my friends. There’s no one here.

I want to be able to communicate things to others and be heard. I can say everything I ever think about in Tumblr, but then there’s no one to hear.

That’s somewhat what Tumblr’s purpose has become lately, isn’t it? Tumblr is where you say things because you want to, not because you want others to hear. Tumblr’s not a place for fame. It’s a place for yourself.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I think I need friends. I’m scared of people. I’m scared of messing up. I’m scared of being way too bothersome.

But I want someone. I want to be able to trust someone.

-Mori

#mori writes #can’t you tell that shit happened?#i guess im just sad #that’s all #i don’t want to be alone #i don’t want to be sad anymore #vent #mori vents #mori’s worrying moments #actually relevant life updates #long post

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deeeelightfuldee · 2 years

Text

What made you happy in the last 24 hours? hearing from K. getting a new backpack.

What was the last book you read? I never remember the names. im not sure why, it just never seems significant to me to pay attention to the names.

What was the most fun thing you did in the last 24 hours? laying on the grass yesterday staring at clouds with nephews and their friends and naming what shapes we saw.

Have you done anything adventurous lately? no, not really.

What was the last thing you regretted doing (or not doing)? not asking more questions when I should have What was the last thing you felt confused about? Ohhhhhhhhhk this is weird and embarrassing but i thought it was weird that K is supposed to be looking at homes but it seems hes at work (surprise surprise). its a day off for him, or was supposed to be. and thats so creepy that im looking, im struggling with not talking. i guess he should probably turn off location lol.

What was the most delicious food you ate in the last 24 hours? ummmm dinner last night was good

Do you like the way your hair looks right now? no. its up in a bun and i have a headband on. its “get business done” hair. lots of packing and such.

Do you think it rains too much where you live? it doesn’t rain enough. i would love for it to rain REGULARLY.

What color is your laptop? silver. frick i love this laptop. its breaking apart but i can’t get enough.

Is your computer slow? Is it having problems? its not slow at all. it’s very efficient and speedy. I don’t use it for any heavy programming at all.

Do you worry a lot, or do you live carefree? I spend probably most of my time leaning towards carefree.

Do you have a Bible that’s falling apart? i do :) good sign it gets use, right?

What did the last pair of earrings you wore look like? These little white hoops. like extremely small huggie hoops.

What is the next fun thing you are planning to do? ummmmmmmm... idk. birthday plans are starting to form.

Do you suffer from chronic pain? i do

What was the last thing you did outside? pick up a package from amazon.

Do you need to clean your room? mildly, yes. its chaotic from packing prep

Have you ever read the Bible all the way through? yes

Do you collect mason jars? not at all. i don’t think i have one single one?

What was the last thing you decorated? my new backpack.

What’s on your floor? a rug. fans. slippers.

What was the last piece of candy you ate? chocolate

Are you wearing shorts right now? yes i am. thats all we will be seeing here on this body for the next like 2.5 months lol

Who was your first best friend? probably nea and gwen

Who was/is your last or current best friend? my last one was K. idk i feel without one right now.

Do you have a best friend currently? no

Are you lonely? yeah in many ways

Have you spent most of your life lonely? i spend a lot of my time feeling alone not lonely. but lately kinda lonely.

Did you answer your phone in the last 24 hours? uhhhhhhh no. lol woops.

What’s your favorite magazine to read? im not sure. magazines are so fun to flip thru maybe ill flip thru some on the plane tomorrow.

What color is the sky right now? I assume blue but i close my shades in the summer to try and keep the heat out.

Do you like the name Skye? eh

Do you want to have kids? I really would and im worried about it.

When was the last time you ate taffy? probably a couple years.

Name three toppings you like on a salad. bacon. egg. green onion

Do you like pineapple? i doooo

Would you rather visit Asia or Europe? europe

Do you know anyone who travels all the time? yes

Do you think it’s selfish to travel all the time, when most people can’t? no, i dont care what you do.

Would you ever consider studying abroad? I almost did for a while. but the money was the concern. What was the last thing you ate? chocolate. i am so hungry.

Are you happy with your life right now? half of it is so great but the other half is really, really, rough.

What color was your first phone? silver

Do you remember your high school locker combination? I didnt have a combination because i didnt have a locker because i was homeschooled

If you’re a youtuber, list three companies you’d like to sponsor you. im not a youtuber. i would like the meal kit company, old navy, and dyson to sponsor me lol

Do you miss someone? yes. a lot.

If applicable, how long did it take you to grieve the loss of your best friend? im no where near the end of that. its bugging me big time and theres nothing at all i can do but try and just suck it up.

Do you wear flip-flops? oh yeah, regularly

Which do you like better: cacti, palm trees, or maple trees? maple first and then palm trees.

What type of tree do you see most of where you live? ooo lets see. oak, ash, willow, etc.

Have you ever seen fireflies? last night in fact.

Can you see the moon from your bedroom window? not right now, but ask me tonight.

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yunmengtrio · 6 months

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??? - oct 29

i haven’t been feeling very bloggy lately

between getting sick and going back to work and the general state of the world, it’s been hard to feel motivated to use the internet.

uh anyway i’m mostly recovered from the flu, i still have a cough but that’s kind of manageable.

i was convinced that my bosses were mad at me for being sick and it did kind of come off that way but after seeing how things were that week, i can kind of let it slide lol. they had barely anyone available to cover, and my other full time coworker was also sick at the same time. so, it’s fine i guess.

being sick in general was very stressful anyway because 1. i’m alone and 2. i’m in a foreign country. organising doctor visits was hell, because they require everyone with cold symptoms to call ahead, but i could barely speak at the time so i had several meltdowns over that, including one out the front of the hospital lol. i managed to get seen in the end tho, and got some medicine (that didn’t work).

i turned 28 amidst all that, which was a bit lonely tbh. had to stay home :<

other than that it’s all been normal i guess.

i talked to my dad on the phone today which was lovely. i really should call more often, bc i am constantly worried about my parents health. idk why i find calling so hard.

i have to go to the hospital tomorrow for my company health check. gonna get shamed for being fat but i haven’t gained much compared to last year so i guess i don’t care.

i’ll go grocery shopping while i’m out too i suppose. i’ll have to clean my kitchen before i can do much cooking. i’ve also been struggling with cleaning since i’ve been sick. idk i feel like i’ve just been kinda depressed ever since. idk what to do.

#.me!

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frankiegirl · 7 months

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🫠

Im so tired and I can hardly ever sleep anymore like I stay up way too late every night doing nothing and then I just lay here and then take so many naps in the daytime like that’s so productive and then I can’t ever get anything done ever. I have so much I need to do around the house. I feel like trash. Always. It doesn’t fucking matter. None of it matters. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m terrified. They’re not going to listen to me. It doesn’t matter. Not a single one of my friends have reached out to me in like a week. It doesn’t matter. Haven’t seen anyone since my birthday party. Makes me feel like a fucking obligation. Everyone has more important things to do. That’s fine. It does not matter. I don’t know if my period is coming or if I’m falling into a depressive spell but I literally want to die lmfao. My wife has to leave state for work at the middle of this week and I’m just going to be alone in my house because all my friends hate me for some reason and I know the reason too it’s like why would they keep reaching out and inviting me to things when I’m never well enough and always cancel anyway like this was just inevitable. I just feel like shit. I am feeling desperately lonely and could use some comfort or coddling or something. And that’s not fucking happening for me ever so idk guess maybe I’ll try to write today after I’m done pretending I’m going to fall back asleep to make it seem better. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE I’m sorry I’m fine just why are you even reading this

#neg #vent #sorry #whatever

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letterstoself · 8 months

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thursday august 24th 2023, 2:58 am

dear me,

hi beautiful. i can’t help but smile just now at the thought of you, of us i suppose. where we’ll be, everything we’ll become. i’m struggling right now my love. i really am. but i’m doing everything i can in order for you to have clarity soon. mentally, i’ve hit a wall. i feel so drained of energy, i feel as though i’m punishing myself by being here and staying with someone. i want to be alone. i want it to be just me and the people i love. i’ve decided to start these thursday letters. my story first began on a thursday, and so i’ll share my thoughts and feelings as they come each week. i intend to upgrade to actual journaling soon. once i’m ready and once i know my privacy can’t be compromised. this feels like a nice first step. comfortable. it’s gotten a lot easier for me to starve myself as of late. i’m starting to feel at peace with it now. it feels right. feeling myself slowly but surely shrink away and watching my body take it’s natural contoured state. i have the most amazing bone structure. i am so thankful. i can’t wait to see it in it’s full glory. this is something i’m truly passionate about. not something i have to exaggerate or pretend or act like. i’m currently dreading going to work tomorrow. you’re far too pretty to work you know. it’s not all bad. but i can feel my mind slipping away from this place. like a lonely songbird escaping a cage, but still not free until she finds a window. i’ve been crying a lot. and a lot for me is like, next level. i can’t help it. i’ve left my heart back home with my family. i can’t remember what i came here for. personal development? love? experience? you could say i found all of them, or you could say i’m still looking. maybe i’m lost. how do i find myself? where is it that you are? i guess i’m not doing so great at finding you that clarity yet huh. i want to go home babe. i really do. i miss my family so fucking much and my cat and my beautiful home and just everything. i don’t miss who i was then. i was taking everything for granted. i was unappreciative and impatient. maybe that’s what i’ve found here. because god knows how patient i’ve had to be, even in moments when i’m ready to slam my head in a door or start screaming. this guy, these people drive me insane. but it’s been my job to stay presentable and keep a smile on my face and act as though nothing effects me. stay professional and light and upbeat and fun. even when i’m thinking about self harming and sobbing and flying a million miles away. self growth or just improved acting skills? time will tell i guess. or hey, why not both. we almost broke up tonight. and then just ended up getting bubble tea and having an awkward sex-talk for like an hour and a half. first world problems or what? jesus. in all honestly idk how much i have left in me for this. i’m going to make an effort to try this week but longterm i just can’t. if i’m being honest one of the main reasons i’d want to stay is to go to the weeknd concert. lol. but i feel like that’s not going to happen. he probably was just talking when he said we’ll get the tickets and it’s months away idk how i feel about committing to december plans in august. actually i do know, i wouldn’t feel great about it. it would also mean i couldn’t leave the country before then unless i wanted to be down like 4 grand. sigh. idk. i really do want to go. it’s not unlikely that i’d have more fun just going by myself too. we’ll see what happens i guess. one thing i want to stop doing is letting other people / situations control me and what i do. this is MY life. MY world. if i want to do something i should go ahead and do it without a single thought or doubt holding me back for a second. i shouldn’t wait around for someone to tell me they don’t want me here before i leave, or tell me they want me to come before i go. i can do whatever tf i want. take charge girl. seize this time. i am young and beautiful and have the whole world in the palm of my hand. no one can tell me shit and i’m done taking it. i’ve spent so much time worrying and wondering and contemplating.

now is the time to start living. do it for the plot. i love you too much to let you waste any more time or have any regrets. it’s nearly 5am now and i’d better get some shut-eye before i start on the many things i really don’t want to do tomorrow. oh yeah and PS i was 50.5 today. my waist at 21.5! i was sick this week and pretty much did a 3-4 day unintentional fast. it was that simple! of course it was, starving was the answer all along. im really proud. and i know you’ll be even prouder. i’m so, so excited for you my perfect angel. dreaming of you and doing everything for you, always.

until next thursday

xoxo

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vonkarma2 · 11 months

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3, 5, 8, 13, 16 for zeolan for the worldbuilding asks?

3.) any recurring images/elements?

Hmmm this is kind of broad so I’m not totally sure how to interpret it I guess I will go with like. If it was a tv show. What visual motifs or recurring shots would there be. I think if there were constantly shots of Rocio alone like in an empty space that would be kind of funny imagine watching a show and there’s an obvious meta narrative focus on how lonely you are I’d be so mad. That and shots of like her back while she’s reading something or working on something like she’s closed off to the world or whatever. Definitely a lot of contrast of darkness vs light though for sure like places with people in them being associated with yellow/orange light whereas empty places are associated with the dark.

Also there would probably be many unnecessarily long shots focusing on nature and the environment around the characters bc that’s what I personally like to see

5.) pick a theme song for the tv adaptation.

life itself glass animals 😞😞😞 rip to the animatic I started in early 2022. theres a whole vision. for variety ill also say the definitive end credits song would be

8.) what inspired your world building, if anything?

Honestly. Not much lol I feel like a lot of it is just me trying to make something that appeals to me personally just thinking of like aesthetics

in the extended secret worldbuilding there are some aspects inspired by or influenced by real history. that being said I try not to avoid making that too direct or have it come up too often bc 1) it’s easy to make it extremely tasteless or at least inaccurate/shallow in its portrayal ofc 2) it is ultimately a fantasy world where I wanted to make shit up + have everything be original rather than have like. direct copies of real places + events. I think it’s like background concepts can be to some extent based on reality but specific events are all homebrewed yk

sundown 2020

probably fullmetal alchemist like subconsciously. wrt the magic system not the world itself

I guess you could say I was inspired by actively trying to go against like. Tolkien esque or popular YA fantasy tropes of the late 2010s early 2020s. Bc a lot of what made me want to make the story in the first place was being tired of and annoyed by the kind of tone that was prevalent in YA fantasy at the time

I literally CAN’T think of much this is so sad. My worldbuilding is just too original you guys 😔

no lol but yeah it mostly wasn’t inspired by anything specific which is a shame bc I do think looking at things you were influenced by is pretty fun

they don’t know the wizard system is fully ripped off from how the wings of fire books used animus magic expect it’s learned instead of born

13.) how long have you been working on this project? what has changed from the outset?

A little over 3 years like since February 2020 :3. I love this question it feels very behind the scenes like Im talking in a documentary. Mostly the structure of the story has become much more linear when the original was like arcs based if that makes sense? Like episodic even though the episodes were pretty large in scale + theoretical length. Ofc a lot of the characters’ personalities have as well. I think the main focus too like initially it was just for fun but when I first added like a vague general central theme it was a lot abt dissociation from your identity + the weight of living and things like that. Life is hard but it’s worth it <3 And now there’s more focus on the nuances of interpersonal connection and things like that. I do like the original theme though I wouldn’t want to drop that idea entirely even though I’d probably want to have it show up in a more nuanced or subtle way idk

16.) imagine the entire story takes place but in the meantime the characters all also have tumblr. what kind of (terrible) tumblr posts would happen?

rocio would hate all forms of social media viscerally. if she absolutely has to use it then it’s several thousand word long rants that stay in the drafts for eternity

cirillo probably the type to just use it as a diary

angel runs an extremely popular yet controversial fan page for enstars or some shit (<I mean. in universe it would be about 1400s romance novels) but occasionally vagues abt his personal life and everything he says sounds extremely concerning. And then like once he ends up on the news everyone’s like omg… bone stealing witch tier drama

gloria only posts thirst traps + posts that are like “will be in [x city] tomorrow if anyone wants to meet up 👅” with every location change

#thanks sm for asking this was very fun #I need to come up with a working title NOW #my ocs

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twinstarlovers · 1 year

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Hm… I should be gone for a few days or maybe not at all. I’m going through a depressive episode ✌🏼. Either the sleeping thing caused it or it was the start of it. This depressive episode ain’t it fr. Got me triggered for nun like I’m mad I’m a girl like I was crying cus I hate being a woman w all my heart even tho that’s my ego speaking but still. I’m hopeless af too. I haven’t thought about a lot of the things I’ve been thinking about in a minute. I feel lonely af. I have no soulmates & I get lonely when I have no soulmates. I have ‘friends’ or people I talk to but they aren’t soulmates so I feel really distant from them like there’s no connection whatsoever. I hate that when I do drugs, the universe makes it into some lesson or idk like I was drunk a couple of days ago & I was looking at women & sexualizing them cus you do that & made me hate being a woman even more. Must be nice to be you lol. There’s no reason I can’t enjoy being high or drunk. Really ain’t no reason I can’t have a life or friends lol. The universe be crazy. You know what’s annoying… the moon is in Pisces so that’s just amazing. You know it be interesting tho how I be swearing this depressive episode gonna last when it really doesn’t but still. I feel hopeless af like I don’t have hope on going to the concerts I wanna go to like m83 & Maná & shit like I wanna throw all of that away. I actually wonder what triggered this. I think waking up disoriented af is part of it but idk. I’ve been isolating lately tho lowkey. I forgot why. Oh right, it’s cus my friend got mad at me like she got triggered. Let me tell you the story. So I was drunk & I called her & I speak out my ass when I’m drunk & she has a twin & they ain’t talking rn & I was like I like him & shit like that but not LIKE HIM like I like him for her like as a guy like I miss him/them & I guess she has trauma w sneaky weird friends so me saying I like him & shit triggered her thinking I was tryna be w him or sum. I never had issues w my friends being like that + I feel like we are good friends to know that I would not mean it like that. So anyways yeah she got mad. I remember I was drunk & she said “okay Cassie” LMFAO but nah lol. I was hurt cus she thought I would really do her like that. So that day I put my phone on dnd & haven’t took it off since. I got over it but if my phone is on dnd, it’s sum else that’s making me idk. I think that was the trigger tho. I don’t like my friends thinking im capable of shit or suspicious of me because then that breaks trust cus now I can’t trust to be authentic w you if you don’t even trust me to be. I hate friendships, like actually. Friendships that aren’t soulmate connections literally be beating my ass on the low cus it’s like settling for less & I hate settling for less because I truly don’t give af but the universe be like settle for less like what. I’d have to settle for less or else I’d have no friends. I can’t laugh or find joy in friendships that aren’t soulmates. I literally can’t. I feel like I can’t be present. I can’t listen to what you are venting to me about because we don’t connect like that but I gotta pretend to listen ofc. I’d like to be alone w money & I think I’d be fine. It’s giving earth moon LMFAO. But hmmmm don’t mind me talking. I have no spam remember. I hope I get it back. I think it will take a month idk. Anyways yeah I’m in a depressive episode. I’m gonna say fuck the concert tickets for good for rn. I’m more hopeless about going because they gonna sell out soon if they aren’t already & I know if I eventually feel hopeful again, they gonna be sold out so. & no I don’t think I’m gonna start smoking again actually. But hmmm I think I turn very affectionate w women when I’m drunk cus I lack that shit & lack fulfilling friendships. But anyways I’m actually so embarrassing when I’m not sober like if I get high w someone, they always more put together then me like I can’t walk or talk like no bruh that’s embarrassing. Also when I’m drunk, IM ALWAYS THE DRUNKEST. It’s so fucking embarrassing

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