#and at uni i studied for big exams which were feared by students for 2 days and got a b

[collectivefandomstuff]

Hey mom! I’m stressed at 1am, any advice? I’m having trouble in school via studying sometimes it feels like we’re going from 0 to 100. And I need better study habits, do you have any advice? Bc sometimes it feels like I’m so afraid of failure that if I do study to my full potential (sounds weird) I feel like I loose the excuse of saying oh I got a bad score bc I goofed off. Like if I actually do all my effort to study and do bad, then is there something wrong with me??

(A/N: this answer is so long I almost feel ashamed to post it. I’m very sorry everyone. Anyway, if you’re looking for the concrete tips they’re at the end :) )

Hey :)

This doesn’t sound weird at all because I’m the exact same way. This way of thinking is actually more common than you’d think, and is often a part of the cognitive profile of perfectionism (btw, perfectionism isn’t that apt a name but I digress. Also, this way of thinking doesn’t mean you’re a perfectionist.). Anyway, I know a bunch of people who’ve experienced this, and the common factor isn’t fear of failure, but rather what it is you think you’re failing at. For example, I once told my therapist that I was super stressed over a bunch of stuff and I also had a paper I had to get done, and he asked me what would happen if I didn’t turn it in on time and I was like “academically? nothing. mentally? I wouldn’t be me anymore.” And that’s the stitch.

The people I know who struggle with this are often (though not exclusively) girls, and often people who’re pretty smart. They spent their childhood being told over and over that they were gifted, intelligent, and good at school. And back then, that was easy to live up to. They danced through the first few years of school without any issue, and enjoyed it a lot. They did their homework, understood stuff, and were usually “good kids”.

Now, we’re always growing and re-shaping our sense of self, but the foundations are lain when we’re children. So, when people around you keep identifying you as a smart/good student, then we start identifying ourselves like that too. Especially if it is being reinforced by your actual achievements. And then, suddenly, getting good grades isn’t about doing well or working hard, it’s about identity. It’s about who you are at your core. Thus, the stakes become infinitely higher. If you fail at a math test that you really studied for, then that means that you don’t have what it takes, and that means you are no longer yourself- the intelligent kid who’s good at school. A test might not be that anxiety-inducing, but losing your whole sense of self is. So, in that case procastination makes a lot of sense, because as long as you don’t fail while doing your best then you never put your identity on the line.

(This also applies if failing at school has become synonymous with being a failure, i.e. if you’ve been taught that doing well academically is the only way to be a successful/useful person in society, or if academic success has merged with the idea of a happy future so it feels like failing autmatically leads to an unhappy life. Essentially, mental structures that lead to a misconception of the stakes involved in a single exam/paper/task.)

That said, I do have some more practical things to say here. First off, sometimes we’re in a situation where we can’t do our best and that’s okay. I’ve failed exams, tests, papers, you name it and I still have my degree in the end. It’s never the end all of things.

Now, my own biggest freak out like this came when I started uni. My first paper I went completely insane and procrastinated like crazy, and I failed. And then the though crept in “what if I can’t do this? What if this is it. I can’t handle higher education, even if I try my hardest?” The anxiety was... big bad and mad.

I should say for this next part that my therapist once told me that I have a strangely aggressive approach to handling anxiety. Moving on. I sat down and said to myself “what is worse, to try my hardest and fail or half-ass it and never be able to live the life I want?” Since the answer was pretty obvious, I got to it. I had about 5 weeks until the next exam, and I sat down and planned every single hour until then. I studied for that damn test like I’ve never studied before, and whenever I felt anxious I would tell it to FUCK OFF and focus on the task I had planned. I didn’t allow myself to think beyond that first planning session, I just did what was next on the agenda. What am I supposed to do right now? read these 10 pages? Ok.

I’ve had two exams during my studies where I failed (the second due to the situation I was in) and ended up in this spiral. And here’s the funny thing: I have a small number of courses in uni where I got a higher grade. They include 1) courses that I found extremly interesting and 2) those two courses.

Okay! I know this is already so fucking long but I want to give you some actual tips too. Number one is obviously to plan. Take a whole day, sit down and plan the next month. Consider all your assignments, when they’re due, what you need to do to study, how long that’ll take and when that is done most efficiently. Plan everything in your calendar. Give yourself enough time for each task that you can do it even if you’re not super super focused. Do not study outside these hours. When you’re done for the day you’re done for the day. This way, there’s a clear, reachable end to each study session and you don’t feel as compelled to postpone tasks. When you sit down to study, don’t worry about the other stuff you have to do, or other subjects that you haven’t done yet. They’re all in the plan, all you have to do is what is in front of you. As long as you keep doing that you’ll make it. (If the plan goes to shit for some reason, take a day to plan a make a new one. It happens).

Some things to consider:

Different subjects are best studied in different ways. I used to set aside 15-30 minutes every day in high school for Italian, where I’d sit down and read the chapter we were working on out loud. I didn’t even focus that hard, I just did it every day- the chapter and the glossary. I STILL remember some sentences from that book. Math is best done in longer stretches, but not too long. 1-2 hours preferably. Think about how YOU work. Do you best read a textbook in one go or in increments? Do you learn better in a coffee-shop or your room? Silence? Music? This can also change depending on your subject. Plan accordingly.

For reading, time your reading speed for the book. Read a page at normal speed and clock it, then multiply that by the pages you need to read to see how much time you’ll have to plan for. Round up to give yourself room for spacing out.

Plan for breaks. Think about your normal need for it, but the uni standard is 15 minutes for every 45, making an even hour. Find a break activity that’s has a specific end, for example making some more tea/coffee and snacks and doing some stretches, or maybe playing one race in mario kart. Avoid things that you can get stuck doing beyond the alotted break time.

Buffers. For every five hours or so, plan one hour of buffer time. This is time that you can use if something takes longer than expected. If you do everything as planned, this is surprise free time! :D If you have a long study session, plan 30 minute buffers every two or three hours to be used for extra breaks and to keep panic at bay. Buffers will save your life.

Make a chart with different tasks and have little boxes that you get to fill in with fun colours when you’re done. If you have to read 100 pages, do a bar with ten boxes, that way you can see your progress visually.

Plan for days/evenings that are free. Plan what you’re going to do those days, like “movie night with X”, “play videogames and eat cupcakes”, “take a long bath and read a good book”. That way, you use your free time well and can use those days and evenings as incentive.

Prioritize your work. If you have too much to do, make a list of what’s most to least important and focus on doing the important stuff first. This includes studying tasks. What’s more important, reading that text for the third time or really understanding integrals?

Drink lots of water and eat sugar. It’s brain food. I usually bake before an intense week. That way when I feel myself going down I can go get a cupcake instead of taking time to make something to eat, or worse- try to soldier through which never works.

I hope this helped a little at least :) Good Luck! I believe in you! 💙💜

#long post #studying #academia #tips for students #asked and answered #lovely asks #tw anxiety #fear of failure

[sophocused]

uni recap 2019

I think it's really important for young studyblrs still in high school or junior high to be exposed to more detailed and honest uni experience anecdotes, so buckle up because it’s about to get real honest and a little personal in here.

I'm in the middle of the fall term of my second uni year, technically now in the 2nd year of my general B.Sc. and I need to start from the beginning a little bit, especially when it comes to my academic journey so far.

Let's start with junior high, when adults always want to ask what you want to be when you grow up. After going to a career symposium with friends, a field trip run by the school, that's when I heard about the College of Pharmacy at the "top" university of the province.

First thing that attracted me was that they make an annual $100k a year, and to my 14 year old impressionable mind that was convinced that my future had to revolve around making bank, I decided from there that I would work towards the end goal of becoming a pharmacist.

I was convinced that pharmacy was the ultimate goal to get my life going, as a real functioning adult of society.

Fortunately, I was wrong. It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Since this is an academic recap, I won't bring up the mental health and physical health bits of the last eight years of my life, I'll fastforward to high school senior year, when I decided I would (as a minimal effort-get straight A's student) actually TRY in my studies again. It was because my work ethic had grown to a point that when I didn't try and still got a B or A, I was scared of the moment I would actually try and then not get an A or A+. I wanted to fight that fear of realizing that I'm not "effortlessly good at thngs" because I didnt want to have a fear of failure.

(Disclaimer: it's been three years since then and I'm still a work in progress when it comes to my relationship with failures but it is getting consistently healthier, despite bumps)

Thus, I started this studyblr three years ago, June 30th 2016 I believe?? My url was chemystery for the first few days but sophocused came up because of sophocles (not that hes my fave philosopher or anything) it just stuck ANYWAY IM GETTING DISTRACTED

So I actually tried in my last year of high school, worked hard and got A's in physics, pre-calculus, and AP chemistry. The AP chemistry came with a provincial exam, that in getting a score of 4, granted me a $150 reward, and the grade of a B in two university courses (2 chem prerequisites)

I was a fool and no one exactly explained to me that those 2 courses were even harder when taught through uni, because I really wasted nearly $1000 in taking those two courses again in my first year of uni, in hopes of turning them into A's.

I should probably mention that going into uni, the pharmacy program had 2 chem, 2 bio, 1 calc, 1 written course, and 2 electives, as prerequisites. My innocent mind, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal, registered for a full five and five course load, so that I could finish all my prerequisites within my first year of uni, and apply for the college of pharmacy by March. (Back then, it was still a Bachelor's program where selection process depended on your AGPA, and your mark on a written critical skills essay)

I learned the hard way that for university, it is a mentally and emotionally laborious task to try and juggle five classes, having to hold yourself accountable when it comes to attendance and figuring out what notes you want to take. There's no way to write physical hand-written notes for five courses (not for me anyway).

It was incredibly fast-paced as well, and I had many days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. I was so conflicted with my perfectionist mindset, and the pressure to get a 4.0 GPA that I spread myself so thin and honestly it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I still got out with 8 B's and 2 A's by the end of my first year. I was ashamed of those B's.

When it came to applying for pharmacy however, despite the grades I got, my GPA didn't make it to the minimum 3.50 needed to be applicable for pharmacy, but I got my transcript a month after I had already applied for pharmacy and I had even done the written exam.

I had to face my first big failure which was getting the email that they couldnt even look over or consider my application because my GPA did not reach the minimum required.

On top of that, I learned that I could not just simply try again the next year. This was because suddenly, the university decided they were going to change the Bachelors pharmacy program into a PharmD. A doctorate. To me, that meant they added eight more prerequisites (even more difficult uni courses with chem and human phys), and a required PCAT score. We also were not allowed to apply until Fall 2020. That meant, I now suddenly had no plan for my academic career for the next two years because I had really only ever thought about getting into pharmacy on the first try.

After a breakdown or two last year upon processing this, I had made the decision and talked to my parents about trying for it again, and doing the new prerequisites. This brought in the new mental turmoil of money on my mind during my summer after first year of uni, thousands of dollars this would cost, suddenly having no routine for four months after working at max brain capacity for 6 months.

My 2nd year of uni, fall 2018, a lot of growing had happened, a lot of processing of failure happened, just. a lot. happened.

October 2018, I got a job at a school, so I really juggled my school stuff with work. Five days a week, I would be up at 6-7am and then get home around 6:30pm, while doing human physiology, organic chemistry 1, an eastern religions elective, and an intro to statistics course.

long story short, yes I must spare you the details of the process of it all because it got pretty sad. That was my worst uni term, ending with 1 B, 1 C+, 1 C, and an F in organic chem.

My first F in university. My first F ever in my entire school life. It was a begrudging blow at my mental state, and I spent two to three weeks devastated. I dont know how I got out of it, I think one day I just said to myself, "Okay you got an F, but did you die?"

Honestly, the humour in that really cheered me up, among other things, and the emotional support I got from my older sister, and by the time I got into the 2nd half of my uni year (right now), I have discovered I potentially have a calling to become a teacher or to work in the lab as a technician.

Most importantly, most if not all of the credits I've earned, are also applicable to get into the Faculty of Education. Basically, I came to peace with having options, and digging deep into myself to really find the thing that I could really see myself doing based on my personality and interests, not just on the money and the rush of finishing school.

I just finished the longest midterm season of winter 2019, with my first midterm being early February and my last midterm + essay deadline on March 15th... I did well. I did well in trying to really take care of myself while trying to go to every class and trying to work hard as much as I could everyday. I think out of my many midterms, I got 1 A, 4 B's, and a C. These are all salvageable. I do still really want to keep working towards a 4.5 GPA but now I'm okay if that doesnt always turn out to be what I get.

Anyway I finally get to write something like this because I've been busy for the past month, a lot of things happened again in the midst of it all, but I'm still okay. I get a week to rest before my lab exam and then it's finals season.

This time, I'll try hard not to just let my life pass me by, with only ever school and academics in mind, I had gotten really sad these past few weeks, and I'm usually good at being my own antidote for that, but I really got to a point where I felt I had no strength to pick myself back up.

Last night I said "fuck it" and decided to go to my cousin's house who I hadn't seen in over a month to spend time with them instead of working on my 30% essay due midnight. Before I was so desperate to finish it, terrified of the 2% deduction per day it would be late, but after crying on the bus, I had had enough of letting my academics bring this much weight on my mental health. After spending four hours with my cousins and aunt, I came home to my mom, and I watched a two hour movie with her.

I didn't regret it one bit. I felt better than I had in a long, long while.

Now, this Friday, my grandma and other cousin are flying in, and I cant wait to just keep healing.

Thank you for reading, or scanning over, I hope you got something good out of this, as I am telling this story both for my sake, and for other students’ who might commonly find themselves in the same boat. I believe in you.

#nina rambles #march 17 2019 #happy st. patrick's day #studyblr #studyblr tips #uni studyblr #university stories #university ramble #uni student #uni diaries #college struggles #uni struggles

[onlyjihoons]

collegebf!jihoon

a/n; congrats to jihoon for being accepted into uni;-;-; and btw pls pardon the mb that was the closest thing i could find to college jihoon in my laptop

masterlist// requests are open

major: theatre/acting

wanted to take up aerospace technology, but decided to go for his real passion instead

got in through rolling admission, didnt have to face the stress of college entrance examinations

however a very talented actor, able to shed tears in 30 seconds

havent had his first kiss despite acting since five,, and people are shook lol

has looks crafted by the acting gods, visuals made for acting

able to pull off both bad roles and good roles

honestly very friendly and humble young actor, seniors are certain he will make it big in the industry one day

will greet classmates and lecturers good morning and bid them goodbye

lowkey enjoys classics like romeo and juliet, lord of the flies, julius caesar, animal farm 

does well in the prose section in tests because he reads widely 

actually a well all-rounded student, perfect 4.0 gpa in every semester

took up ballet in high school oops and hence knows every scene in ballet classics like sleeping beauty

sings and raps decently, a good dancer too,, a literal golden child lol

but below the perfect boy surface,, jihoon is an avid gamer who always occasionally stays up till the wee wee hours of the night to play games

like overwatch sorry guys that’s the only game i know

sometimes will arrive to class late, hair in a mess and last night’s pyjamas 

but at the end of the day he does well in everything without even trying so the lecturers just let him be

you didn’t even know why you took up theatre,, maybe its because you scored an A in literature during your college entrance exams

communications was too controversial for you anyway

you had zero to little acting experience, the only experience you had was pretending to be sick in school

like jihoon, for the prose section of tests you would score full marks most of the time

but drama section was your pitfall

not that you couldn’t act, but you had a fear of being on camera

selfies with friends are fine, but you just don’t like your pictures being taken in general

one day, your lecturer gave out an assignment, apparently it’s paired work and your partner has already been chosen beforehand

you liked pair work, and honestly one of the only ways you can pull up your grades for the drama section

once you received your assignment, you read the name below yours in bolded itallic,

park jihoon

you sighed, you were afraid of being a burden to the golden student, since he already has secured his own distinction anyway

you were acquaintances with jihoon, but not that close to be friends either

“y/n!” jihoon settled into his seat beside you, “i’m glad we are partners, at least you won’t be like some of the girls in this class…”

you smiled weakly, thankful that he didn’t have a bad impression of you already, “what about them?”

“they always wanted to add a kiss scene in the plot, just to kiss me, its just, ugh.” this was the first time you’ve seen jihoon getting annoyed, and you found it cute honestly

“that’s gross, but don’t worry, i wont make you kiss me, i don’t think you’d want to either.” you patted his back, and you swore that you saw a tinge of hurt in jihoon’s eyes momentarily 

“thanks y/n.”

for the first 2 days, you and jihoon practically breezed through the prose section, sharing your favourite scenes of the classics

“romeo and juliet was a good ending”

“no, they should’ve ran away with each other”

despite conflicting ideas the both of you worked well together and became much closer than before

at first you thought jihoon was a little bit of a tsundere, but the more you knew him, the more goofy he seemed

like how he liked penguins, and has a few penguin stuffed toys on his bed

and you also learnt that jihoon used to do classical ballet in high school, which was lowkey a surprise for you

then came the drama section, the both of you decided on romeo and juliet

wow im so basic sorry guys

you didn’t force jihoon to kiss you too, so the both of you just settled with jihoon putting his thumb in between the both of your lips

or almost kissing

bahbam y’all “kissed”

jihoon told you it was a method actors use so that they don’t really kiss the actress,, and he pulled out that card for all of the girls who wanted to kiss him lol

he even was super sweet about the whole thing, asking if you were uncomfortable and stuff

you always said you wouldn’t but your heart would race whenever he did a tiny bit of skinship like hugging or holding your hand

ultimately, it was just for the grades, right?

wrong.

jihoon had the biggest crush on you ever since the both of you were in the same class

he was just scared of approaching you, scared that you would think he’s trying to get into your good books

so he was really excited when the lecturer announced that you were his partner

and when you said “i don’t think you’d want to either” to the kiss he was lowkey slumped bc it meant to him that you thought of jihoon as a normal friend and not something more

so on the day of the drama showcase, jihoon could sense your nervousness

usually you were ok but today you werent

“what’s up y/n? are you not feeling well?”

“i have a phobia of being on camera,” you wrung your hands together, “sorry jihoon, i’m bringing down our grades–”

“no, y/n, look at me.” jihoon made you face him, his features gleaming under the light, “we’ll overcome this together. i promise.”

“how?”

jihoon then swooped down and kissed your lips, which definitely took you aback

“w-what”

“just imagine the camera isn’t there, and there is no one in the classroom except us.” jihoon smiled, as if the kiss didnt happen

you were definitely calmer than before, weirdly, and nodded.

when it was you and jihoon’s turn, he gave your hand a small squeeze 

it went pretty smoothly, with no camera-fright for the first time

until the kiss scene, jihoon actually kissed you for real

and the whole class was shooketh bc park jihoon,, kissing a girl for the first time?? wowzers

in the end, both of you got your As and you got yourself a boyfriend out of it too

honestly jihoon is more of a homebody than you think

he would want to stay at home rather than go out on dates

so he would invite you over to his dorm, to watch movies or just cook for him lol

sometimes he would ask you to play games with him too, but you’d fail

he would be somewhat addicted to his games too, so you have to get through all means and ways to get his attention back on his work

dont be surprised if he calls you at like 3am telling you hes hungry

and you only read it the next morning

“did you see the message i sent you?”

“no…?”

“i sent it at 3am and it said 2 ticks…”

“you’re gaming again?? YAH PARK JIHOON”

“hahaHAHAHHAHAHAHAH yes im sorry babe please forgive me:

has his designated seat beside you in every class

sometimes the lecturer has to call him out for being too clingy to you and its embarrassing when everyone just has their attention on the both of you

save this clingy baby please

will help you hold your notes,, and sometimes clean up with you at your dorm or home

your mother loves him already even tho she only met him through facetime

likes to go to find all the ramen stores in the vicinity and try all of them out

also likes taking pictures of you when you dont notice

and sets it as his kkt bg

your contact in his phone is saved as baby girl💓💕💖💗💘💞

and his contact saved on your phone is baby boy❤💙💚💛💜

you know those boyfriends who treat their girlfriend like theyre their entire universe? yup thats jihoon

and like his eyes light up whenever he talks about you its just so endearing

likes to be the big spoon when cuddling just so he can engulf you in his arms

hardly gets mad but even if he does its not that serious and over something stupid like him losing his notes or something

jihoon knows where to draw the line, when you need to study he tries not to disrupt you

keyword: tries

overall, a clingy but sweet koala as your bf, you could never ask for more

#wanna one scenarios #park jihoon #wanna one #park jihoon scenarios #Fluffy writes

[fmdjaewonarchive]

happy new year!

happy new years and a blessed 2018 to all of you!!! i may be a bit early for some, a bit late for other’s but as this should go up when the clock strikes 12 for me i decided it was fitting enough. i was going to keep this short and sweet but sorry guys, you’re going to have to bear with me getting sappy for a bit. i just want to say some things about what kind of year 2017 has been for me (warning: there is some triggering stuff, i marked it p obviously in the post but just take care yeah) and what kind of part all of you have played in my life the past few months.

as cliché as it is (i feel like i say this every year) but 2017 may have been my wildest year yet. i’ve experienced a great many things from really good to really bad that i can barely believe it all fit in one year and throughout all of it famed has really been a constant presence for me. for someone who claims to not like to talk about it this is my 3rd time around here since famed’s opening (shoutout to beth for putting up with my indecisive ass ily mom) and looking back on it, famed has always been a place i was drawn to when i was going through my better times and then things would get worse and i’d fall out of touch again.

early 2017 was really good to me, i finally found a group of friends i felt i really fit in with the first time in ever, i wasn’t just the girl that stuck around but i was actually part of something and that felt glorious. i was nearing the end of my high school career (me, a small bub) and i got back into rp’ing after losing my last group of rp friends i was incredibly close with. basically, i had my shit together.

and then i found this place and i immediately fell in love with everyone here.

sadly enough it didn’t last for too long, early may rolled around, i was preparing for my final exams (more so hating myself for not being able to focus on my final exams) with the end of high school nearing my friend group was at its hinges because all of us were set to go study elsewhere and i just wasn’t in a good place. i dropped out of famed for the first time to focus on my exams because i really didn’t have the energy to do anything else.

———tw: toxic friendships, threatened self harm/suicide, panic attacks———

my finals went by, i passed all of them with better grades then i could have dreamed off and i had a grand 4 months of summer break ahead of me so i should be getting back on track right? but i didn’t, those months summer break were the hardest part of my year. i have this friend in my life, well, friend is a big word because for the last 4 to 5 years she’s been making my life a living hell. really, i can’t even properly get into the amount of shit she put me through. she lied to me about what people/my friends would say about me to isolate me, she constantly put me down to make herself look better, she crushed any self-esteem i had, she was possessive/clingy and whenever i so much would speak up about anything or try to take some space for myself she would pick fights with me. she was so awfully manipulative she’d always make me look like the bad guy in every situation and if that didn’t work she’d just threaten to harm or even kill herself and tell me it be my fault if she did. whenever we fought it would always end up with me suffering panic attacks with how upset and frustrated i was with the situation. i was absolutely suffocated, i had been for years already but i grew to resend myself for letting her, for knowing what she was doing and not stopping her, i felt so weak and cowardly. but i had no idea how i was supposed to get rid of her, our lives were so tangled up i rarely was without her and i didn’t know how to take a step away without it being obvious. we went to school together, during summer break i worked for her parents’ company 3 to 4 days a week, we’d spend weekends together. she withheld me from many things in my life, crushed my self esteem and basically learned me to forget what a healthy friendship looked like and i told myself to just hold on until the end of the summer, i’d move away for uni and i’d just let our ‘friendship’ bleed out because i knew cutting her out of my life would result in the worst fight we ever had. 

and for a while i looked forward to that, i came back to famed and i felt at least stable for a bit, not happy, but stable. but then the pressure at work increased, i was given tasks i was nowhere near qualified for, asked to work far more hours and the situations around the office declined for me and all my co-workers as our bosses/her parent’s grew more and more stressed. i spend my days either crying by myself in the office or trying to get through my workload and when i had days off i was just too exhausted to force myself to do anything. so i dropped out again.

i just started doing worse and worse, work was driving me mad, on my free days my ‘friend’ still constantly forced me to spend time with her even if i didn’t even want to leave my house, my friendgroup was magically keeping together just without me and the closer i came to moving out for uni the more i became overwhelmed with the idea of going to study and living by myself, i felt unprepared, like i wanted to be in a place in my life i wasn’t anywhere near in reality.

————————————ok back to the better stuff————————————

but time kept going as it always does and september came around. i moved to belgium (wow, me, a whole international student cough 1 hour over the dutch border cough) and enrolled as a psychology student. the first week i was dead anxious, i didn’t know anyone, i was still overwhelmed with the crippling fear that i was nowhere near intelligent enough for any of this. but it faded and soon, i grew to love being in my dorm more than being back home (i travel back and forth every weekend)

going to uni was the best decision i ever made, after the initial fear settled i realised how much i love my studies, i found an amazing friend group who have been more than welcoming and taking care of me and generally i noticed i was happier than i ever felt. 

being that happy however made me realize how much the past years had messed me up, how difficult it was to accept that i could have friends this good for me, that i was actually wanted and didn’t take up space and time and attention i shouldn’t be and then some pretty awful things happened back home (that i won’t get into for now) and i fell out of it a bit again, i grew to hate being home i loathed traveling back and forth every weekend (i still do) but i also didn’t have the heart to tell my parents that. i started doing worse again, i let my insecurities get the best of me and began to worry when my new friends would get tired of me. that if i would be too loud or too out there they’d just get annoyed and ditch me. 

it took me a lot to drag myself out of that but i did (most of the time at least, i’m still working on it these days) but i was working on myself, on my self-esteem issues, on my constant social anxieties and then i just felt the pull to get back into writing again. the one place i immediately thought of was famed.

so i came back and met the most of you for the first time around and admittedly a part of me was scared i’d just fall through again, that i wouldn’t fit as well as i hoped or that i’d get discouraged again but from the very first second, all of you were the most welcoming people both ic and ooc, like always, joining this group felt a bit like coming home, i suppose that’s why i always felt so drawn to it.

it’s hard to imagine i’ve only known the most of you for about 2 to 3 months by now because as much fun as i’ve had so far writing and developing my muses, it’s not the most important part of my time here. i got to know all of you, spend my free time talking to you which has given me so many nice memories. and not just the happy times i may not be able to count the times i’ve doubled over in laughter thanks to you guys but i also found unconditional support. whenever i’m just slightly having an off day or anything all of you are the most understanding, most caring people ever and i’ve been so blessed to have you all to fall back on when needed.

so long story short, thank you, every single one of you, for making my 2017 brighter and safer, to provide me with warmth and care i haven’t found yet outside of this group. i’m eternally grateful that i got to meet all of you and be part of this amazing family. i love all of you very much and can only wish for us to stick together in 2018 as well, let’s please keep this up for another year so i can make another gross, sentimental post next new year’s eve.

thank you and i love you all.

#*:･ﾟ♛– «that's a long ass ride» // OOC. #//ehm yeah this is- a lot #//for anyone that didnt read #//thank you for everything i love you and lets make it an incredible year together

[gumiguta]

Being a top student at university

This post is based on my (and my friends) experience (second year student; sophomore).

I haven’t double-checked it, so I suppose there would be some mistakes. I miss articles all the time, sorry.

1. First year is the most important

Show your professors your capabilities. Let professors get to know you, their opinion will be significant later. Slog your guts out, get the best marks, show them you really care and you are intrigued in what they say. Later on if the next year/term is tougher or you are be able to fully focus on your education, professors will look kindly on you, they won’t be so strict, so your marks won’t be much lower.

2. Luck

Believe me, we are not always fully prepared. Sometimes our knowledge is incomplete because we don’t had enough time to learn, the topic XYZ is so shitty that we simply don’t get part of it. It happens that we have to count on our luck. The final test is coming in a few hours and you still know nothing about ABC or XYZ. You don’t have enough time and you know you won’t get it in half of an hour. Fuck this, fuck that – you hope you will be able to answer a questions. You’ve got nothing to lose, joke that it would be nice, if you got a question about QWE. If the professor knows you, remembers you and is aware of your knowledge, there is a huge possibility you’ll get this question.

3. Talk to people before your final exams

It’s partly connected with “Luck”. Talk to people who already had their finals (not only to your peers but also to older students). It’s not about questions, because you won’t get the same ones, that’s for sure. It’s more about getting to know the professor’s way of thinking, asking questions, choosing topics. Ask people how much you need to write/say in order to get a good mark. Ask people what topics are professor’s favourite, what do you need to know, how to impress them. Mark down what questions did your friends/other students get – learn them if you know that this professor likes to ask the same thing, pay less attention if you know they like to change them. But never left them aside, you have to know at least part of the answer to be save.

4. Know your professors

The continuation of “Luck”. Knowing your professors helps you a lot during preparing for tests, exams, finals etc. Give yourself a term or two to find out information about professors – what topics are their beloved, what kind of questions are most common, what kind of answers are they expect, how much you need to know.

5. Don’t be afraid of professors

Treat them like normal people, not someone who will fail you at your first exam. You can talk to them not only about studies – some of them are really interested in your life outside the uni (even my biggest fear – my phonetics professor – used to ask people why they had been absent and he was genuinely interested in it). I’m probably going to a concert with my professor, sometimes we smoke cigarettes with them, they give us medical pieces of advice – they are not monsters. Of course some of them have sticks in their asses and you have to treat them with much bigger respect. But remember – you’re a student. Don’t be unrespectful even if your professor is a great guy. Tell something shitty and you’re fucked up for the rest of your student life (it means – till the end of the term, because they definitely won’t let you pass).

6. Panic

*3 A.M., Facebook* A: FUCK, I KNOW NOTHING B: ME TOO, WE’RE NOT GOING TO PASS A: We can commit a suicide, that’s the only option B: I find this red bridge quite appealing…

Yes, we panic. A lot. Sometimes we’re so stressed we have to phone someone and talk to them for a longer while in order to calm down and continue to learn. Why? Because we had no idea how much we need to study, because we thought that 2 days of non-stop learning is enough (ups, it’s not!), because it turned out you don’t have this one important thing in your notes. Shit, shit, shit! But, man, calm down, you know you’re not the worst student at uni, you have some knowledge so you say/write something during an exam. So get back to work! Take deep breath, call your friends, check Facebook, Tumblr or whatever if it helps you. Then try to take a look at your notes once again. Step by step and you’re going to know more and more.

7.“I give up”

It’s a common phrase during preparations to exam session. You look at your notes with watery eyes and you say “I give up, I won’t learn anything more”. Take a longer break then, if you feel like a shit – an hour or two. Go to sleep, eat something, play your favourite video game, message your friends. Then go back to your notes. If it really seems like you won’t make any progress, don’t force yourself, focus on sth else, maybe later on you’ll try to revise this “little shit” once more. If it’s still too demanding – leave it. You only get more stressed and panic is your biggest enemy. Remember you still remember sth, it’s not like you’re totally unprepared!

8. Help others…

If somebody asks you about notes (because they were absent or sth), don’t hesitate giving them. You don’t know when you will need their help. Groups of your uni on FB where you can share and find information are also helpful – notes, example questions, links to PDF books or scripts etc.

9. …But don’t be a saint!

Hearing for the 5th time “Hey, can I copy your notes?” makes me furious. I’m willing to help, give notes, talk about previous lectures if this person was absent, had difficulty in understanding the topic or what was the professor saying. But I just can’t stand people who are not attending any classes because it’s too early, because the topic is boring, because they prefer to scroll Instagram etc. Don’t let other people preying on you. They probably won’t help you as much as you did.

10. People you can count on

Sometimes it’s hard to make friends during your first year at uni but try to do a kind of research… After first tests find out who has quite good marks. If you’re absent, you have no idea what’s going on and this lecture is totally not your cup of tea, ask them for help. But don’t be a dick! Constantly borrowing notes and asking for help is annoying. And please, don’t pretend friendship with this person if you don’t like them that much. You don’t have to love each other, go for a beer every Friday, gossip about others – if you’re nice to this person (and vice versa), you talk to them for a while at uni and of course you’re also willing to help them, it’s a good relation. Borrowing notes depends on a subject – XYZ I take from my best friend, ABC from the girl to whom I talk only at lectures and RSQ.

11. Attend classes

Doesn’t matter how boring they are, doesn’t matter how much you hate this professor – please, attend classes. First of all sit always closer to the lecturer (but don’t be obtrusive), participate in it, say something related to the topic, do your best not to miss classes. Professors will remember you, they’re going to think you’re be the best student at whole uni and your finals will be a little bit easier. Sometimes professors, if they know you’re always prepared, you’re coming even at 8 A.M. lecture and this subject is rather facultative, can give you a mark without any exam.

12. “Start learning at least a month before your final exam…”

Yeah. I’ve never done that.

Of course it would be much better to start learning earlier but it’s often impossible to do. You’ve got so many homework, presentations, tests and essay so you simply don’t have enough time (and motivation) to think about finals. One term in two days is not something uncommon even (or maybe especially?) when it comes to top students. But our advantage are: attending classes, listening to professors, being genuinely interested in the subject.

13. Presentations, essays and long-term projects

Start doing them as soon as you can. Step by step, you don’t have to make them in one night, your deadline is far away… It’s a big comfort, doesn’t give a single fuck about deadlines. Of course, sometimes you don’t make it on time and you have to pull an all-nighter, but it rarely happens when you start do this earlier.

14. Motivation

You can talk about this whole self-development, showing people you’re worth something more, dreams coming true but at uni you do it just for…

Money.

My scholarship is the only reason for learning that much. If not for my scholarship I wouldn’t pay any attention to subjects which are completely useless outside the uni.

15. Sleepless nights

We pull an all-nighter before our exams, it’s nothing uncommon. Sometimes we get 3 hours of sleep, sometimes 30 minutes. But do it once, not every night, because you won’t learn anything. And if you do this just before your exam, try to get at least 2h of sleep – you’re going to organize your studying during sleep. I usually remember more then, I find connections between facts faster.

16. Naps

They are your friends, not enemies. Just a 30-60 minutes nap will make you more lively, you will get more energy to study. Before my exams I take 30 minutes naps, twice a day. You’ll learn more and faster. Not having a nap is awful to me, because I feel so tired, so exhausted that I don’t know what’s going on around me for 2-3 hours.

17. Balanced diet

Instant soups, energy drinks, coffee, sweets – it was my special diet during the exam session. And it worked – for 3 days. Then my body gave up and I had to go back to normal food. Try to eat homemade dinners, don’t skip breakfasts – that’s the most important one. You won’t get rid of coffee (or energy drinks in my case), because it helps you to stay alive. If you can, eat something sweet – sugar also resurrects you.

18. An exam next day? Alcohol!

Don’t ever look at your notes just before your finals. You’re going to panic, you’re going to get disorganized. It’s better to do something you like. Before every exam I would for instance go to the concert, for a beer with my friends, watch a movie or play stupid games. It’s your time and university has no right to disturb you. Forget for a while how much you need to learn.

19. Party?

Yes, top students party and drink a lot, believe me. Vodka and beer are your double-faced friends.

#uni #university #studyblr #langblr #mine #me

[rueur]

Morning Pages #47 (16.04.2017) (26.04.2017)

Sunday 16th April - 10:57 a.m.

It’s quiet and my love is fast asleep. He had a hard night last night, found himself in an expectedly troubled state of mind, triggered by reminders of a turbulent past. I saw that it was tough on him, and worried about him in his red-eyed silence, but thankfully the night was salvaged by good music and quite a bit of alcohol. Perhaps a burger and some chips also played a role here, though it was not as meaty a role as was held by the drinks.

I wasn’t entirely myself last night either, because our company consisted of people that he had history with, and that I had only ever heard of in passing. Meeting them was a big deal for me, even though it wasn’t a night of much significance for him.

Wednesday 26th April - 3:03 p.m.

Ten days exactly has passed and I’m right back here at Evan’s, well most of me is. We had a cycling accident on the 21st, last Friday. I was the only one who got hurt, thankfully, because it was really mostly my fault. There was a roadworks sign in the bike lane somewhere in Reservoir, and Evan saw it and started to slow down. He was in front of me. I saw it too, checked behind myself to see if there were cars coming, saw there was one, and tried slowing down too, but not fast enough. It was raining a lot as well, and so when I inevitably hit the back of him, I fell and skidded on my face. I busted my lip and chin, chipped my two front teeth, and grazed my knee quite badly. Living has been a bit of a struggle since, but hopefully it’ll all be clearing up soon. My teeth are incredibly sensitive right now, and eating is a bit of a struggle. I just had pancakes for breakfast with Evan and it took twice as long for me to get through them than it otherwise would’ve. And my face is still badly scabbed, on my upper lip and on my chin. It’s getting less painful by the day but it’s still rather torturous. I had a nasty fever on Sunday morning, after getting all my dental work done on Saturday. I was nauseous for three or so hours, from 7 a.m. till about 10 a.m., and Evan stayed with me the entire time. He watched me puke. He made sure that I kept eating, because I was half-starving myself since the accident happened. It’s been an ordeal, and I’ve been fighting back a depression, I think. It seems easier when he’s around. He stayed with me from Friday till Monday afternoon. I was then alone from Monday night till Tuesday night, and most of Tuesday was difficult. I barely slept on Monday night.

I am mourning my perfect teeth, because I did have perfect teeth. And I never took them for granted either. I brushed vigorously twice a day or so, and I regarded anything happening to my teeth as one of my worst fears. And now it’s happened. Mundell asked if maybe that was a good thing, that I experienced one of my worst fears. I can understand how facing one of my worst fears can make me a better person, a stronger person through the experience. I also feel like maybe I bring this all upon myself. I ask the world to deal me a hard hand so that I can see what it’s all like: so that I can experience everything and say that I’ve lived a life well-lived, well-full of it all.

Last night, Evan was talking to me about the future, but in very bleak terms. He was talking about the ends of our lives, in relation to the ends of our past lives. He’s convinced that we might’ve died four days apart, because we were born four days apart in this one. But he also said that he believed we were able to fall in love so quickly because we were simply continuing from where we had left off, when our souls were connected to other bodies. We found each other again and said to ourselves that it was time to get right back to it, time to get right back to being with one another. I thought that was an interesting idea, the fact that the energy between us could be strong enough to transcend the physical form, but it definitely explains how we were so in sync from the get-go.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written here, and I feel a little iffy about writing again today knowing that I probably won’t be maintaining this as a daily thing. Uni’s just been so demanding, and I’m too tired, especially now. I just felt like this would be a little therapeutic too, and lord knows I need that right now. Thankfully, I haven’t lost the entire ‘stream of consciousness’ side of this, because I have been typing rather quickly, I’ve noticed. It’s 3:17 p.m., and I’m already maybe halfway through my second page. Granted, I did have a little entry from ten days ago that I haven’t the heart to delete, because I still remember that moment. It was so quiet and still, and dark. I was behind Evan’s couch, just kneeling on the floor, typing and being very aware of the sound of my typing. I didn’t want to wake him. I love him quite a lot, it seems.

I let him read my entries from the 14th and the 22nd of January, after the night we met and our first date respectively. I couldn’t believe I’d let him do that. He also knows the URL of this blog, which I feel may or may not influence the way I write from here on out, but he promised me that he wouldn’t abuse that knowledge and that he wouldn’t read any entries I didn’t want him reading. I believe that he won’t. I really do. So I don’t think I’ll change the  URL. But there are things that I haven’t told him about Ikaros, and these are things that I don’t think he has any interest in knowing anyway. I just feel like if he were to read them, he may feel hurt I didn’t tell him, even though they are of no relevance. Ikaros is entirely in the past. He messaged me yesterday, mostly because I’d made a post on Facebook about my cycling accident, but he also said something unnecessarily cryptic that pissed me off. He wants me to be thinking about him, I think. He said that a while back, I asked him a question which he happily answered, but he’d recently been thinking about that question again and feels like the question I asked had a second hidden question whose answer was given through the answer he had given me for the first question: an implied answer, in the subtext of that conversation. He said it was the kind of thing we’d need to talk about in person, but I don’t really care about it enough to be curious. I’m just a little mad that he even attempted to make me curious about it. I’m mad that he wants me to be wasting my time thinking about dead scenarios, ghosts of conversations that we’ve had, like I have the mental energy to waste on that.

I’m going to take a break, return to this when I feel the time is right, which will be very soon I think. And if not, then I’ll just wrap it up here. I want to be writing creatively, but my mind is too full and I’m too plagued with all the bullshit that’s been happening lately. I’m worrying about too much and I know I shouldn’t be, but I am. And as soon as I can write away all those inhibitions, I’m not going to attempt any more poignant, elegant works. I just want to be raw and unrefined for a while, because I feel like I’ve earned that right with all this focus on propriety that school inspires within me. It’s exhausting.

I’m back. Evan is cutting Daniel’s hair right now, and we were just playing Uncharted 2 before he turned up. I’m very self-conscious about my face right now, because I know it’s still looking rather hideous, because of the injuries. My scabs in particular are giving me a lot of grief, not just because it’s gotten insanely difficult washing my face, alongside the rest of my body too because of this bloody knee. My graze was healing up pretty well until I had a shower last night and now it’s gone back to feeling pretty stiff. It’s very hard, and I’m hesitant to wash it again because of what happened last time. Thankfully, because of the ANZAC Day Holiday on Tuesday, I haven’t had to go to school this week either. I feel like I’ll have to go in tomorrow though, for my journalism class only hopefully. I could easily skip it though, and back it up with a medical certificate, but I just don’t want to waste my last sick day for that subject in Week 8 knowing that I’ll have to make that 9 a.m. start four times over until the end of the semester. Goodness, a month left of this semester and then exams. And I’ll have one more semester till my graduation, if I don’t go for my honours. Should I go for my honours? I’ve been on the fence about it since January, really. I don’t know if I should bother with that last year of my a bachelor’s degree with honours, when I can just get my bachelor’s degree and have it over with. I still don’t know if my bachelor’s degree is going to be worth anything anyway, I mean it’s currently worth -$30,000 or so, just because of my bloody student fees. Lord knows if I’ll ever break even on that in my field. But honestly, I couldn’t see myself studying anything else, even though I’ve gotten so into my geography/environmental studies subjects. I wouldn’t ever see myself as a landscape management major in the environments degree, but I could potentially see myself double-majoring in creative writing and geography. I don’t know if I have the credit points to apply for a double major now, in the final year of my degree. I have done a surprising amount of geography subjects, so maybe? The School of Geography have been sending me a whole bunch of emails but I feel like they’ve all been automatically sent to students who achieved high marks in subjects regardless of their course structure. I feel like I can definitely do a few more geography subjects around my creative writing subjects. My creative writing subjects don’t even feel vital enough to form a major, if I can be candid. It all feels like such a bludge. Add the disappointment and limitations of Writing Journalism to all of that, and I feel like all my interests have been failed to be taught at this university. Nobody learns how to write creatively. You just do it. I’ve attempted to learn how to write creatively and it’s resulted in me feeling alienated from even my own writing. It’s been an intense process, having to consider my passion as a discipline. Sometimes I feel like this may not even be worthwhile by the end of it. Sometimes I feel like I’ll have more luck and more job satisfaction if I were to pursue the opportunities presented to me by my geography subjects. Who knows at this point. But I think I’ll regret it if I don’t at least see if I can apply for a double major. I just don’t know how I’d go about it.

These pages have already worked their magic on me, it seems, even after I’ve failed to do them for so long. Here I am, writing about something that’s unknowingly been plaguing me for quite some time. I have to get this sorted. I just don’t know how. But that shouldn’t stop me, I know it shouldn’t. I have to get this sorted.

#morning pages #47 #16.04.2017 #26.04.2017 #tendaygap #mybad