#and it just. kinda fuckin hurts

[yuribalisms]

I’ll be like “I’m over my mommy issues, they don’t affect me that much, I don’t even care that I had a shitty mom” and then a nice lady in her 50s will fix my shirt collar and say “sorry it’s a mom thing, I’ve gotta fix it” and I want to start sobbing

#like wow. my mom would NEVER fix a shirt collar #she’d get pissed at me for wearing a man’s button up #also if my mom even got close enough to me to do that I would feel like I need to rip my skin off #let alone if she actually touched me #and like hhhhhhhhh #it’s fun it’s like ‘wow why do I feel safer with this lady I’ve never met before and had a five minute interaction with than my own mother’ #and then I just get fucking sad that I’ll never actually Have a Mom or experience what that’s like #I’ll never know what being cared for as someone’s kid will actually feel like #I just feel unsafe and jittery and anxious and panicky around my mom #there’s literally never a single positive feeling associated with her #idk why that little interaction got to me so much but it’s always the little ones like that that do 😭 #I think it’s because it’s such an insignificant thing that a random woman will do for me #that the woman who was SUPPOSED to will NEVER do for me #and it just. kinda fuckin hurts #kaz rambles

[inga-don-studio]

I learned tonight that some of my coworkers DON’T pretend to be ghostbusters when using the backpack vacuum and I’ve never been more disappointed in my peers. Like look at this (stock image) and tell me what self respecting adult wouldn’t have the dang theme song playing in their head on loop ]:<

#🎃 Cryptid Sighting #I kid but only just #I get not everybody grew up with easy access to the classic movies or exposure to the better entries into the franchise #But these are people about my same age who grew up knowing about Ghostbusters and they don’t picture these monstrosities as proton packs smh #Where’s their fuckin’ whimsy? #Also these will fuck you up haha … I’m in a world of pain in places that I didn’t know could hurt rip #Pretending to be a ghostbuster while having to lug one of these 30+ lb monstrosities up & down stairs for about 7 hours a day can do that #But I can’t deny that they’re kinda fun. My mental illnesses were happy for a while

[spotsupstuff]

Cap's got a new voice claim! feat. a tiny bit of Sparrows n her's unchanged vc because 1. it's cute to hear them together and 2. I snorted. The vibes are so different

[songs: So Familiar by Jean Castel and Driving Myself Home by Rose Betts]

#rw #oc tag #oc: caper of euros #oc: three sparrows #philosophy sessions au #ramble time. kai ninyago as Capie of Rossie wasn't Bad but i've been working on him lately- like looking into his faults their causes their #-evolution and what role he's supposed to play beyond Row's death (esp. in Preacher's life (Euros manages to be terrifying for the kid)) #n i came to the conclusion that he didn't sound Sharp enough. and bratty but like in a teenager boy band kind of way. oh he'd hate that- #-kinda music </3 fuckin european posh kid #the ''tragedy'' of 'Ros on here is that back when i was answerin questions with the chars 'Ros n 'Row were constantly together and that- #-didn't allow them to really show who they are because they bring out the best in each other. Sparrows is braver with him having her back- #-and he's not a rude fucker (one of the reasons i turned off asks is cuz i figured they weren't actually helpful. only stressed me out n- #-as result the world/character building became lackluster) #Euros is still a silly guy who's scared to hurt someone/thing physically! (his inspos are kai ninyago s0kka and kuzc0 so) #but ill be damned if i let any of my characters be *just* a silly guy that is fucking obnoxious #each of these fuckers is a psychological experiment. also sick shit: new 'Ros vc is french apparently :) #he can sing Zephyr songs in Her Tongue™... get it anime chin boy get that multilinguality

[spitblaze]

Cannot overstated how gutting it feels to know how much of my life and charity has, in fact, gone to destroying the lives and personhood and ecosystem of Palestine while being told all my life that it was for the sake of MY people, that it was good, that Israel needs to exist. No it doesn't. It never did. Jerusalem is a holy site but it's not our site alone. For millenia 'israel' wasn’t supposed to be a place, it was supposed to be the people. I knew the Israeli government was held hostage by fascist ghouls, but I feel betrayed not knowing just how deep that bile runs.

But, well. Sitting here and being depressed about it won't help anything. I have no reason to support a country that does so many of the things to its native population that the US did to ours, that recreates so many of the actions that we promised would be 'never again', a country that was only ever an apartheid state at best. Healing the world is a core tenet and I intend to abide by it.

#spitblaze says things #i fuckin. sure hope i can anyway #its easy to be paralyzed and be all talk and no action #i. hope ive been uplifting voices and spreading the word enough #idk. theres always more i can do #im not writing this to be self aggrandizing or for glory or clout or w/e im just expressjng how i feel #knowing. every single fucking organization i have ever contributed to that claimed to help israel was only hurting palestine #idk man it kinda sucks knowing so much of what you were told was built on a foundation of fascist lies to start #but like i said! being said wont do shit #palestine

[astranauticus]

(spoilers up to orv chapter 270) (sort of?)

you ever just kinda. suddenly realise what you're listening to

#omniscient reader's viewpoint #omniscent reader #orv spoilers #orv #kim dokja #yoo joonghyuk #art i made #the first hyperlink is to the song on youtube the second one is to my translation btw #that caption was not an exaggeration i was deadass like walking back from class with my spotify on shuffle and kinda like #tuned back in to what was playing in my ears and just had a kinda. HOLD UP WAIT A FUCKIN SECOND #honestly the whole song is kinda yjh if you squint and like for what its worth literally the only reason this is tied to like #that scene from 269 specifically is bc i literally just read that part today so it was really fresh in my brain #god the process of making this was so strange too bc i did it in almost one sitting except i had a fuckin SPORTS EVENT of all things #in the evening so it was like. 3 hours straight of doing this 2 hours of playing sportsball of all things then another 3 hours of this #so now i am physically mentally AND emotionally drained! genuinely couldntve had a more exhausting consecutive 8 hours if i tried #btw fun fact in the spirit of like. making life easier for myself all of yjh's flashback frames or whatever are webtoon panel redraws #except for that last one obviously cuz the webtoon isnt there yet (which. wow the processing of drawing that was. very painful) #but its like. I AM THE WAY THAT I AM if given the chance to draw to my knowledge one of the most tragic moments from the story I WILL DO IT #ok looking back theres a bunch of editing errors but also i just. really need to go do my ACTUAL FUCKIN WORK LMAO #god my arm hurts #hmmm i might clean up that 10 scenario sketch later on. i kinda like how the wings turned out #and also kdj's dipshit expression.

[garbomode]

HOLD ON i can't stop thinking about a take i keep seeing that's like "kraken ed wasn't really that bad, he only hurt izzy and izzy deserved it." because like, even putting aside the izzy apologist in me, it's still just objectively wrong. he pushed lucius off the ship! as far as anyone knew he killed him!! that seems kind of like hurting someone to me!!

#plus the yknow. threatening the crew with a gun #nearly killing them all #not to mention the crew watching him hurt izzy is not a great fucking time for them #like even if they think he kinda sucks ur boss just fuckin SHOT him !! you're probably gonna be a little scared of the guy after that!! #anyway i still have mixed feelings about the whole “ed is abusing izzy” thing #but i have been rotating this in my head for a while and i need to say it here or i'll start talking to my mom about it #i have already discussed with her the izzy dying discourse at length #ofmd #ofmd s2 #izzy hands #ofmd 2 #our flag means death #ofmd season 2 #ofmd spoilers #edward teach #sorry i don't know how to tag this for ppl who don't want to see it #i assume anyone who'll be too annoyed by it has blocked me already

[soldier-poet-king]

my ex best friends from highschool put together one of those 'open when' gifts when i went away to university, i was the only person in our entire friend group to leave town.

obvs. things went to shit with them. it was messy and ugly, and in no small part my own fault. it's been almost 9 years. it's. im not at peace with it. but im not filled with the same bitter (unfair) anger.

im also moving! and not just dorms or uni apartments, moving moving, so im going thru all those random drawers of crap. i keep saying im gonna throw this out. it hurts to look at. but i feel bad? what if i want it later? what if we reconcile? what if the sky falls down, more likely. i feel guilty? looking at old photos and letters in handwriting i havent seen in years and curated playlists on CDs (yes im that old apparently). am i throwing away their love? a final terrible thing in the long list of terrible things i did in that friendship?

#the duality of fran #yall i genuinely need advice here it's kinda. uh. killing me #im lying in bed agonizing #im trying to rest bc tummy hurt from HELL rn #even had to cut murder squad bg3 short #and now it's just. well. #been a teenager fuckin sucked and i dont want to go back but also i miss the closeness and the friends and the #idk. sense of community and belonging i havent had since then. not in the same way. not REALLY #i was also super awful trad religious homophobe. but there was still just. yknow. #yknwim??? i obvs am not going back. will not go back.

[fuckin-sick-bih]

hey so like... how am i supposed to get through a date when i'm just having a surprisingly snzy day???

#just bex talkin #snz #self obs sorta i guess? #i swear to fuck at least a snz or 3 every fuckin hour today?? wHY? FOR WHAT #i stifled earlier and my roommate went “that sounded like it hurt” and i just kinda made a grumbly noise back lmao

[citrine-elephant]

thinkin about leon suffering blood loss, mild delirium, and laughing his fuckin ass off at nonsense while chris is trying to get this motherfucker to safety

leon's just in chris' chest, breathless and giggling, but he can't remember wtf it was about, and that's only fueling the giggle-fit.

for some reason,,,

#me when i'm short of breath and in pain starting to daydream to aleviate #ithink covid affected my breathing cuz it #it hard ish #that or i fucked up wearing opne of my binders lol #thinking about leon having broken his leg #nearly severing an attery via femur break! #he doesn't cuz it's a death sentence #but it's just.... oof that's a lot! #would getting bitten and rolled by a BOW croc be.... #thinking about the fucker getting his calf and dragging him through somethin #like a catwalk right? between the handrails #it's such a tight squeeze paired with the fuckin BOW trying to death roll him #the angle snaps his fuckin femur and he's lucky to not bleed out then and there.... #unrealistic leon can survive being thrown and smashed and not to mention his head injuries... #leon when getting thrown into a wall + smashing into the ground 'it only kinda hurts its fine' #me in pain = putting the sexyman in WORSE pain

[youracecard]

Oh,you guys are not ready for this

I made him myself,he name is somks. I also made a shopping bag of tiny items for her(3 buttons,1 tiny streamers,and duct tape.)

#please #i love him #i sewed her with no pattern #its been so long since ive last sewn #so its kinda crappy #but i love her so much #im so glaf i dont hate her and all the little mistakes that make him #eek #sewing #unidentified creature #maybe a whale #or dolphin #or just a fuckin rainbow guy #im so tired lol its so hot in my room that my head is hurts

[eoinmcgonigal]

it's really upsetting me so to get it off my chest i'm gonna confess that the positivity posts i saw yesterday really hurt. i didn't realise that was a thing in this fandom, and i wish it wasn't because those things inevitably leave people feeling left out and like their presence isn't worth anything to the fandom (plus readers, rebloggers and commenters are integral to fandom community but don't usually get a shoutout). i'm already struggling because of this horrible trend towards using threads in discord which renders most of the servers inaccessible to me, i feel extremely isolated and alone and unwanted, but i was doing okay muddling along churning out fic and a few silly polls and posts now and then until yesterday. the fic i posted today just made me feel so sad after i posted it. it was a lovely fic :( but like what is the point. if i'm worth so little i might as well not be here. why put the effort into making things if no one notices. i already feel so lonely it's like i'm being torn in two, posting things now and then brought me comfort but idk what i have now

#i'm in a deleting everything kinda mood #no one remembered me? oh. okay :( #fuckin hurts so much #i want to finish the johnny stuff but i feel so unbearably miserable now and i don't want to spend hogmanay like that #but i also can't bear to leave it unfinished #i wish i'd never scrolled my dash yesterday then i'd never have known about those posts #it brought me so much joy to write and share those fic #absolutely crushing to discover i don't inspire the same joy in the fandom #i was kinda impressed with having written so much i thought it was kinda cool #maybe it's just really fucking annoying idk #sorry just so lonely and upset and the places i find sanctuary are falling to pieces and i'd actually like to die now thanks #so much shit is going on irl you have no idea and i don't have a support network it's terrifying #nothing i do is worth anything #no one wants me #did u no my mother discarded all the photos that had me in them? kid me just. discarded. she took everyone else and threw me out #shit like that hurts i wish i had a new family or friends to chat to as a distraction when shit gets bad #i mean i get discord dm notifications (not server mentions) if anyone dms me but lol guess how often that happens #i get tumblr dm notifications it's been the only place i've talked to anyone for ages so shoutout to those two wonderful people #god i just. want to be included? #i tried #i failed #fuck. #maybe this is goodbye idk i had stuff to finish up/share #and a million more fics i wanted to write #i don't even know if i can face doing tomorrow's johnny fic #i wanted to do the 12 days of christmas too :( #but the fact now exists that i just... wasn't good enough for this fandom :'( #also i can't face the notifications tab #if it's not a Direct Message i won't see it #god there was SO MUCH i wanted to share! there were gifs i was gonna make to share the suffering and gift fic and silly posts

[ghost-proof]

Ok so I did a very rough mockup of a Deathscythe flower tattoo (based on this amazing Wing Zero art whose artist I unfortunately can't find to properly credit).

I literally traced a photo of a Deathscythe Gunpla because mecha is hard. The flowers I had commissioned for a previous tattoo idea (lol) by lovelittlenikki on Instagram. Mashed the two together to see how it would look in greyscale, since the tattoo artist only does black and white.

#gundam wing #mobile suit gundam wing #deathscythe #duo maxwell #the beam scythe is just kinda hanging out #those wings are gonna fuckin hurt #it would feel wrong to tag this my art so i'm not going to #tattoo ideas

[0rph1x]

my leg hurts so fucking bad. ive been walking for so long. i miss when existing wasn't so painful.

#ive been out of the house all day and its genuinely been a lot of fun but. fuck it hurts. #by the end of the day i was putting the majority of my weight on my opposite leg which also wasnt helpful but its all i got #and since i had to kinda walk with a limp i got so many weird fuckin stares bc i was in public. imagine with a mobility aid. #i think it would really help and im planning on getting one soon but i would get so many odd looks in public i hate everything rn #i just gotta learn not to care tbh #if it helps then it shouldnt matter what other ppl think when they see me. why cant i learn that. #anyway im upset my legs fuckin hurt like hell #tw vent #chronic pain

[chanagun]

so sexy prapai had to be held back from murdering that guy

#and then had him ‘taken care of’ anyway #me cheering as I watch prapai punch tf out of gun: BUST HIS FUCKIN HEAD #like mmhmm yes should be in jail yes did very bad things but also it’s just #prapai head empty must KILL man who dare hurt the love of my life #and you know what I love that for him okay! #love in the air #love in the air the series #annie liveblogs #kinda

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#delete later #hey haven't made a vent post in a while that's gotta be a good thing right #I dunno. got an appt in like a month and hopefully that'll fix me but until then...... #...sigh. tw for heavy shit for the rest of this don't read on unless you can manage with that kinda thing #is it like. nights? does my brain just shut down any level of dopamine response at night? is that it? #cuz fuck I spiral so fast. not 5 hours ago I was on cloud 9 cuddling a cute girl I may or may not have a- #anyway #now it's midnight. #and I just kind of want to carve my self awareness out of my body like a cancerous growth #and never be aware again #loneliness and jealousy and despair and self hatred and my god I can't really think of anything negative I *don't* feel #i just want it to stop #i wanna stop hurting every time I see them being so intimate with someone else I've already been rejected I need to get the fuck over mysel #ugh #I...... #i usually try to keep these vague cuz I know people follow me and despite my best efforts do tend to read these #part of me wants that? that cry for help I guess? some way to reach out without having to be vulnerable #on the other hand I don't want to guilt anyone or to make anyone feel bad for being happy cuz that's toxic as fuck #I.... I don't fuckin know I'm just kind of rambling now. #....I'll be fine eventually #maybe #god I can't even say that for certain anymore huh #what do i even do why can't i see the solution anymore #all that's there is 'stop feeling x emotion' and thats just not a reasonable thing to expect myself to be capable of #you can't just turn off your emotions as much as I wish I could #.......want to be held close and touched a lot and told it'll be ok and complimented and. wanted #want to be wanted. #.....sigh #.......i am wanted. I know I am. I know so many people want my attention that it's nearly impossible to keep up #so what the fuck is my deal why do I still want it so bad? what isn't clicking? why doesn't it fucking work

[squiddiboo]

do you still draw

I do, I have just been very busy with things, and struggling with art block after coming back from Riptide. I got a couple of sketches in the works, and a few comms I still need to finish, orz

For now, here are some very silly sketches of skull I did a couple of weeks back for pose practice

I also recently very randomly got into chess???? And did some chess gijinka doodles????? I dunno man I like when the funny pieces move on the funny squares

There should be more art coming soonish, though it might be a little different from what people have been expecting. I guess I've been nervous to both draw and post content lately akdkskfnf

#also been lowkey trying to reduce how much i use social media outside of like. friend circles and some YouTube #even then all my YouTube is like. among us. or fuckin. #chess #coroika #doodles #skull #the squid.txt #EDIT: actually a tangent but drawing makes my hand hurt like hell if i draw for as long as i used to #and that is not good as a competitive gamer #i guess ive been prioritising comp over art content #still doodling #just not posting #it is kinda nice but i do wanna get back into full pieces #i have very little motivation to make them otherwise