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xmartinibabe · 2 years

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How LOA, Manifesting, Everything is saving my life

My journey with manifesting started really early on in my life. I have always had this sense of power in knowing I could get what I want when I was younger but that feeling and confidence grew out as I grew up and left the need to be realistic.

I remember how some situations that felt impossible came through miraculously as my mom used to really be on my back about letting God do the work and not worry, so I would trust her and him, and everything would work out. During those moments I didn't realize that I was manifesting but looking back I definitely was.

We are consistently manifesting and creating our reality.

I go in and out of actively manifesting and have been successful in many things like traveling and obtaining friends and experiences. I have just struggled with keeping them in the long run. I always wondered why.

After I got the gist that the universe got me and that I should just relax and let it do the work, this school year started off with one of my worst nightmares.

I had visions of how I wanted my college years to go and so far before this summer I was able to establish everything no matter how hard it was or what I had to sacrifice.

Some unfortunate events happened with my old roommate from my sorority happened and it blinded me from living with my other sorority sisters as I envisioned. To start off the school year, I got kicked out of my sorority because of missing recruitment and other circumstances and my social life falls apart. The girls that I grew close to were living away from me as I was forced to live with three strangers. I almost got into academic suspension and I lost the medical scribe job I was excited to start due to my depressive episode. I was kicked out of my main social source, and my academic and career life was falling apart, so I felt isolated and lost. I was embarrassed to tell people that during my senior of college I was living with strangers. I was even more embarrassed to inform my friend that I was not working the job that I was entirely excited about. The guy that I was so excited to see after my summer in Italy had gone MIA and I didn't even get the chance to cross paths with him accidentally because the Universe just didn't let me.

At that moment, I felt truly lost. It felt worse when it was supposed to be the best year of my college career. I couldn't think of my college years with the life I was currently living because it felt so different from what I wanted or dreamed of.

I fell into many depressive episodes where I tried to pick myself up in order to catch up on school and buried myself in my sister's apartment for comfort.

What had my life come to?

I knew that everything happened for a reason but on an extensively long night on Twitter. I fell into a few accounts that consistently discussed the ways self-concept affects how you get what you get and manifest.

As I did more research, I realized that the very situation that I was in was manifested by subconscious repetitive reprogrammed thoughts and ideas I felt comfortable with.

Although I was able to successfully manifest things in my life, the self-concept and subconscious things I was used to and believed about myself created the reality I was in every time.

I grew up expecting unkind treatment from women because that was how my mom was so I unconsciously believed that some women hated me and were jealous of me secretly so that actually manifested into my reality.

Because of my poor self-concept and beliefs about men, I created the reality where my love interest is not paying attention to me and will not choose me because of societal expectations and such.

Because I was used to being consistently led down in friendships, my fear and emotional unavailability manifested in a distanced relationship with my roommates who were already strangers to me.

With a life of living with undiagnosed ADHD, I was used to having a chaotic academic life where I always work harder than everyone, and then I have to. So when I'm fully prescribed and almost creating a routine, my programmed mind manifests and creates a reality that wants to play the role of a failure that I have played many times in the past.

There was comfort and sadness in knowing that it was all me.

With that knowledge, what was saving me was the idea that I could become better and create my dream life.

By working on my self-concept, I was actually fully healing.

I was programming my brain to be comfortable in a different state of thoughts and expectations of my world.

The idea that I am God and that everything in this world reflects what I think is everything.

With patience, even through the worse days, I'm at peace knowing that It is all me.

So here, Cheers to the curating of my dream life!

The beginning of a new journey!

10/05/2022 @2:01am

#loa motivation #self concept #manifesting #affirmations #neville goddard #law of attraction

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5hfanfiction · 6 years

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The Last Person You Love - Chapter 1

Summary:

It started at a coffee shop, as all cliché love stories do.

Despite it being mid-September, remnants of summer’s heat still lingered for a few hours a day before the crisp air from the fog took over. It was typical San Francisco - one moment the sun would be shining and all of a sudden a blank white sheet was covering the sky. Camila worked downtown near the Bay and, from her view from the hospital windows, she would often admire how rays of sunlight reflected off the water and skyscrapers to highlight the bridge connecting the city and Treasure Island. As she would bike back to her apartment through nearly sky-high hills, Camila’s lungs heaved for oxygen and would be relieved when the fog rolled in to cool down the sweat falling down her face.

She lived in the western part of the city - opposite the Financial district where all the booming tech companies were taking over and where tourists scoured for the best clam chowder near Union Square. She lived in the residential area by the ocean and just a ten minute bike ride to the beach - although, it was nothing in comparison to the beaches back in her hometown, Miami. Ocean Beach’s sand was too coarse and - as ridiculous as this may sound - the Pacific Ocean just felt different from the Atlantic. It was not as warm and the water against her skin did not feel as smooth. Nonetheless, she still loved it. It was one of her favorite places in the city. She and her best friend, Dinah, often found themselves there, playing reggae and entertaining themselves with a few joints because it was San Francisco and smoking weed in public was as common as wearing headphones on public transportation.

After graduating from New York University three months ago, Camila returned to San Francisco to be with her mother, Sinuhe, and younger sister, Sofia. The three of them moved to the city after Camila’s father died from lung cancer the summer before her freshman year of high school. He was an architect for houses along the coast and, after he died, their home simply felt like a house. So they packed their things and moved to the first job offering Sinu got, which was not too hard considering she was one of the nation’s most renowned cardiothoracic surgeons.

The whole situation was overwhelming for Camila - one moment she was saw her dad take his final breath in a hospital bed and the next moment she was in the middle seat of a plane, admiring Sofi admire the window view from their high altitude. However, San Francisco did her well. She cannot explain it, but it helped her grow in more ways than she believed she would have had she stayed in Miami.

They went from a three-story mansion with a backyard the size of a park to a two-bedroom townhome that was half the size of their previous home, yet double the cost. Camila took the bus every day to her high school, which she had to apply to despite being a public school rather than being assigned by proximity to her home. Her school emphasized service learning and critical diversity, and the foreign language department offered various languages rather than just Spanish. Their field trips were to community centers, museums and gardens, and tech headquarters in Silicon Valley. Camila loved Miami for its rich Cuban culture and laid-back aura, but San Francisco always offered something new. There were endless opportunities and so much autonomy to navigate self-discovery, which is what Camila needed after losing her father.

San Francisco made her realize she was a city girl and, ultimately, made the transition to study in New York City not as overwhelming than if she had moved straight from Miami. At NYU, Camila studied Global Public Health and Science with a track in Biology - her goal being to follow in her mother’s footsteps and be a doctor, too. Maybe not surgery because Camila wanted to form relationships with patients and be part of their lives - not just seeing them once or twice, and saying goodbye after that. Her dream was to foster her passion for underserved healthcare and social justice through comprehensive and compassionate care to long-term patients.

Since Camila finished her undergraduate studies in three years, Sinu let her daughter take a gap year to apply for medical school and gain clinical experience during what would have been Camila’s fourth and final year of college. Through her mother’s connections, Camila was able to get an internship at the hospital Sinu practiced at. Camila was a medical scribe, which was a fancy term for “personal assistant to her mother, who she could not call her mother in front of patients, so basically she was Dr. Cabello’s bitch, which really was not any different than from when she was living home.” Her main responsibility was charting her mother’s interactions with patients, documenting all important notes from their discussions. The job is perfect for her considering she spent most of her high school years typing away her feelings on the Internet. Sinu used to always take away her laptop when she was a teenager because she spent “too much time staring at a screen” and, now, Camila loves to rub in her mother’s face that her word-per-minute count can keep up with how fast Sinu talks thanks to all her tweets and Tumblr posts.

With her mom being her supervisor, though, Camila’s hours were lenient - mostly because her mother dismiss her early to pick Sofi up from her middle school and take her to all her extracurriculars. In between piano lessons and soccer practice, Camila often found herself waiting for her younger sister at her favorite coffee shop near Golden Gate Park. The coffee shop was just another hole in the wall, but she loved its minimalist interior design, fairy-light-adorned patio, and lavender white chocolate mocha. She has been going to this place since she had to study for the SAT. However, with her studying in New York, she never considered herself a regular until she moved back home after graduation. She spent all summer working on her medical school application and published article about her undergraduate research on educational neuroscience, but, now, with both submitted, Camila was able to actually enjoy the ambience of the charming coffee shop.

Taking a break from watching YouTube videos on how to properly water succulents, Camila looked up from her screen to sip her mocha and take in all that was around her. There was a table of three adults in business suits, talking animatedly about the stacks of papers next to their mugs. A woman was breastfeeding her baby as her toddler was playing with the banana bread in front of her. Camila’s eyes scanned the room when they stopped to soak in what had to be the most beautiful being Camila had ever laid her eyes on.

The woman was dressed casually - faint jeans and a white tank top partially covered by a black leather jacket that matched the raven hair twirled halfway down her back. The look was so simple, but Camila could not help but squint her eyes to try and focus on the woman standing in line a few feet away from her table. The mystery woman was texting fervently and her left foot tapped with what Camila assumed to be annoyance. Every few seconds, the woman would let out a long sigh or run her fingers through her hair - both of which were only noticeable to Camila, who tried to hide her gawking behind her laptop and mug.

She could hardly hear what the woman had ordered when she stepped in front of the cashier, but Camila could make out raspy mumbles that intrigued her even more. She looked around her table for an excuse to get up and quickly stuffed the rest of her croissant in her mouth so she could bring her empty plate to the bar. This was her idea of flirting: Sneaking glances at a distracted woman with her mouth too full to even talk. Camila gave a tight-lipped smile to the barista as she finished chewing and swallowed in time to turn around to face the stunning woman waiting for her drink. The woman looked up from her phone to meet Camila’s eyes and it was as if time stopped for a moment.

Camila blushed for having been caught staring, but managed to give a small smile before scurrying back to her table without looking back. The woman stood perplexed at the elegant features of the other woman, wishing she was able to admire more before she basically ran back to her table. Her breath caught at her throat and she was not brought back to reality until her order was called out. She grabbed her dirty chai latte and glanced back at the tables to try and see the woman’s face once more before she had to go to work. Her eyes landed on the woman, but was only able to see the white bow clipped at the top of her light brown hair as she was looking down to write some notes.

The raven-haired woman smiled at how simple yet cute the other woman looked and left the coffee shop knowing it was going to be a good day.

Still catching her breathing after her bike ride from work, Camila entered her apartment to find Dinah sulking on their couch with a bowl of ice cream and “Moana” playing.

“Rough day?”

“I miss Mani,” Dinah looked at her best friend and pouted.

Camila simply rolled her eyes at how dramatic her best friend was being. Dinah was so in love with her girlfriend, Normani, that she could not even handle a few days without the older woman. Normani had left just the night before to visit her family and best friend, Ally, back in Texas and Dinah has been acting like a complete baby ever since.

“It hasn’t even been 24 hours, Cheech.”

“You don’t understand!” Dinah threw a pillow at Camila. “What’s the point of living without her by my side?!”

“Okay, calm down, Juliet,” Camila sat down on the couch and instantly rested her head on Dinah’s shoulder. “Put the dagger away and just go FaceTime your girl.”

“I can’t. I know she’s having fun and I don’t want to take away time from her family and friends. I just feel so empty, you know?” Dinah sighed and leaned her head against her best friend’s. “Please tell me something interesting that happened today so I can distract myself.”

Camila thought about her day. She just finished a brutal bike ride because there was some convention that caused traffic along her normal route, so she had to take an alternate that included more hills than usual. Her mother was her typical self and kept pestering Camila to have dinner at their house because Sofi was being like any moody middle schooler. Not that she did not love her younger sister, but Camila knew the last thing Sofi needed was some staged intervention by their mother. Sometimes, things just sucked and you needed to be a bitch.

Nothing about her day was out of the ordinary except for the “flirtatious” moment she had with the stunning woman at the coffee shop earlier in the morning. Was their three-second gaze even considered a moment? Maybe it would have been if Camila had not fled in attempt to hide the flush of red that crawled across her face.

“I don’t know, there was this girl at the coffee shop.”

“A girl?!” Dinah’s head instantly snapped up and she bent her head down to look at her best friend with eager eyes. “Spill!”

Camila sat up and shook her head at the mischievous look on Dinah’s face. She shrugged and mumbled, “It’s nothing. We just looked at each other and I ran away.”

“Ugh, not again, Chancho!” Dinah buried her face in the palms of her hands. She groaned at how awful her best friend was at interacting with anyone she found even slightly attractive.

They have been best friends ever since Camila had initially moved to San Francisco and they ended up living in adjacent townhomes. They hit it off right away despite them going to different high schools - Camila at a randomly assigned public school while Dinah went to a private performing arts school on the opposite side of the park. Their families got close as Dinah’s parents always welcomed Camila and Sofi into their homes when Sinu had a night shift, and Camila tutored Dinah in basically every subject except Dance and Music Theory.

With Camila not being the one to really go out and Dinah always getting stuck babysitting her younger siblings and cousins, the two of them basically spent every moment with each other outside of school. They maintained their friendship via constant texting and daily FaceTime sessions while Camila studied at NYU and Dinah stayed in San Francisco to become a dance instructor at the children’s dance studio a few blocks down from their homes. When Camila returned from New York, she knew she would go absolutely insane if she moved back home on top of already working every day with her mother, so she proposed to Dinah that they live together.

It really was not hard to convince the younger woman to move out of her family’s small townhome with twenty other people.

Their two-bedroom apartment was just five bus stops away from their families, but it was enough for them to feel somewhat independent and in their 20’s. They were able to finish a bottle of wine on a weeknight and not have their mothers scold them for displaying borderline concerning alcoholic tendencies. They rolled and smoked on their fire escape after a rough day - much more convenient than when they would have to sneak out in high school to light a joint at the neighborhood park. They did not have to be second mothers to the little kids running around their homes. They were able to simply enjoy being out of school and somewhat adulting.

Normani lived with them, too, but, with her working at a major tech company as one of the best computer engineers, she went on several business trips to the company’s other offices - from Seattle and Chicago, to Shanghai and Berlin. You would think with all the business trips the older woman has gone on, Dinah would be used to her absence, but it seemed that the younger woman’s separation anxiety only got worse with each trip. Sometimes, Dinah would be so miserable that Camila sucked up her pride and put on the tightest dress she owned just to take her best friend out clubbing.

Camila may not be able to dance, but her ass was big enough to not have to do much and still have guys fighting over her. She cannot lie and say it did not boost her ego to watch extremely desperate guys gawk at her as she tried to sway her hips the way Dinah so effortlessly did. There would always be a few handsy guys who would grab her waist from behind and try to slam their boners against her, but “D” in “Dinah” basically stood for “Dick Deflector."

The younger woman never let a guy get their way with her best friend - always shoving them away and grabbing Camila to dance with. Sometimes, Dinah would push Camila against a wall and grind on the older woman just so no guy could get at Camila from the front or back. Sometimes, Dinah would hold Camila from behind and bend her down just to make it clear that her best friend’s Cuban ass was off limits. It was hot for most guys to watch and, honestly, if they were not practically sisters, it would really look like Camila and Dinah had something going on between them. Normani would murder her girlfriend in a heartbeat if Dinah ever danced with anyone the way she did on Camila. The two best friends just worked - there was no other way to explain it. They balanced each other out, always had each other’s backs, and never failed to have the times of their lives together.

So, when Camila admitted she ran away from a girl at the coffee shop, Dinah was not surprised, considering the older woman always ran off to the bathroom whenever someone tried to pick her up at a bar or club. Camila was not experienced with intimacy and romance. In high school, she "dated” a basketball player, Austin, for less than a month before he dumped her because she denied his sexual advances. During her three years of college, Camila only went to a total of seven parties - only four of which she got drunk at and only two of those four instances did she drunkenly kiss someone. She gave Shawn a quick peck on the lips as a rule for King’s Cup and she hooked up with Hailee after she took a body shot from the girl’s cleavage. The girl took Camila to an empty room and showed her what is was like to be with a woman, being the first person to ever see Camila in such a vulnerable state. Camila did not regret having sex for the first time with Hailee, but, prior to their hook up, Camila never considered the thought of being attracted to girls. She always thought girls were pretty and felt more comfortable around them than with guys, but, after experiencing the sheer bliss and passion with Hailee, Camila could not help but think that maybe she was only attracted to guys because that was expected of her and being with a girl was what she truly desired.

This reveal was not surprising to Dinah, who always noticed how flustered her best friend got around boys and caught Camila staring at the cheerleaders more so than the football players when they would go to Friday night games back in high school. She did not care how her best friend identified - all Dinah cared about was that Camila found someone deserving. This was hard to determine when Camila could hardly even flirt. If a decently looking guy tried to converse with her, Camila would stutter and make some excuse about having to pick up her younger sister. Whenever a pretty girl passed by her, which was all the time because women are just so effortlessly beautiful, Dinah would have to physically close Camila’s mouth for her. The younger woman has tried to teach her best friend the basics, but Camila always froze in the moment and resorted to what she knew best: Running off to be by herself.

“I really tried this time, I swear!”

Dinah crossed her arms and gave her an incredulous look. “How?”

“Okay, so I was learning how to take care of succulents, which is much more complicated than you would think, and then I saw her,” Camila stood up to reenact the morning. “She was standing in line on her phone like this and I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something!’ So I did what I thought was the best thing to do in that moment and shoved half a ham and cheese croissant just so I could give the plate to the barista at the bar, where the girl was standing, waiting for her drink.”

Dinah’s mouth hung open at how ridiculous her best friend was, but she let Camila continue.

“When I turned around to go back to my table, our eyes met and holy shit! Dinah, her eyes! Her eyes were like, fuck, I don’t know how to explain it!”

“What color were they?”

“They were green, but not just green!”

“Oh, so like hints of blue?”

“No, no, no,” Camila shook her head furiously as she paced back and forth in front of the TV. “It’s not as simple as that. They were so full. I don’t know how to explain it except that it felt like magic and bliss and warmth and eternity! We looked at each other and time stopped and I felt a rush of comfort take over me as if I have been scouting the universe for centuries and finally found my home.”

When she stopped her movements and looked at Dinah, whose eyes were as wide as saucers, Camila shook her head in frustration at how she could not fathom into words how gorgeous this mystery woman was. She knew she sounded crazy, but, of everyone she has encountered - from Mexico, Cuba, Miami, San Francisco, and New York City - this woman was surreal. You know how everyone has a celebrity crush or that dream person that stars in every fantasy? This woman blew every face imaginable for Camila. Camila did not even understand how a face so perfect could exist - it had to be chiseled by God himself and topped with Midas’ touch.

After moments of silence, Camila plopped face first back into the couch and groaned into the cushions as her best friend rubbed her back.

“Oh, honey…” Dinah cooed. “Should I pop open the red or white?”

“White."

A/N:

This is going to be a very long story… Get ready for an agonizing slow burn…

I hope you enjoyed - thanks for reading!

Wattpad: nodustollens7

#UPDATE #series #AU #slash #camren #angst drama #humour #romance fluff #submission #The Last Person You Love

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hedgehogstudies · 7 years

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07.24 // It’s been a big 2 months! I’ll put a quick summary below, but all I can say is wow it’s been a while.

Graduated

Got my MCAT score (511!!)

My first high school friend got married/I was in her wedding

Drove between home (KS) and school (WA) twice in less than two weeks to move me out of my apartment

Saw Glacier national park!

Started receptionist job

Accepted a medical scribe position after (feeling like) I bombed the interview

98% finished medical school applications (submitting by Wed to final list of five schools)

98% finished with 2 summer online classes (developmental psych & nutrition)

Will be volunteering both at local hospital (surgery waiting room) & local free clinic run entirely by volunteers (physicians, PAs, nurses, med students, premed students)

#mine;#medblr #premedblr #studyblr #studyspo

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katischuo · 7 years

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lol all the colors

joe what the fuck

red: how was your first kiss? what do you love about yourself? when’s the last time you warmed your hands in front of a fire? would you rather watch a sunrise or sunset? what’s the best thing about summer?

-My first kiss was honestly one of the best moments in my life. It was tender and sweet and intimate and GOD I LOVED MY FIRST KISS

-I love that I can quickly pick up skills and concepts. It helps my lazy ass do most things.

-The last time I warmed my hands in front of a fire was a couple weeks ago when a pipe burst in my dormitory and everyone had to stay outside in the cold for like 30 minutes. I then proceeded to sit next to the fire at Starbucks and warm the fingies.

-I love watching the sunrise. It’s one of my favorite things. Unfortunately, I’m very bad a waking up early enough to see it. Which, I suppose, makes it all the more special.

-The best thing about summer is that it usually comes with a little less responsibility than I have throughout the rest of the year.

orange: what makes you feel warm inside? what’s your favorite halloween tradition? what’s the last thing you learned? when’s the last time you felt obsessed? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

-Honestly, if you do or say anything nice to me, I will be overjoyed for the rest of the day.

-My favorite Halloween tradition is carving pumpkins. It’s just so much fun!

-The last thing I learned was that I’m a fucking idiot and I really should not be allowed in the Organic Chemistry lab. I swear to God, Dr. M hates me because I fuck up the experiment so often.

-Literally like an hour ago. I was sitting on my phone and my brain was like “KENZIE YOU COULD BE PLAYING BOTW RIGHT NOW”.

-I love sweaters. They are the best thing and I probably have way too many.

yellow: if you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose? what’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? what do you consider lucky? what made you smile today? what makes you happy?

-I would love to have a city view where I could people-watch from my window.

-My favorite thing to do on a sunny day is go outside and read.

-I have a necklace that I used to wear to all of my speech tournaments that helped me feel less anxious so I guess that’s kind of a lucky object.

-The stupid jokes that I make with Lisa. I swear to God, we are middle schoolers.

-Seeing others being nice to one another. It just makes me feel really good about the world.

green: what’s your favorite thing to do outside? do you like camping? what would you spend $1,000 on? what’s your job, or what do you want to do as your job? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

-Reading.

-I’ve never actially been camping so I don’t know.

-My tuition. (If we’re talking fun things, probably video games, books, and clothes)

-I currently work as a medical scribe in the ermergency dempartment of one of the local hospitals. I think I want to be a medical examiner.

blue: what do you do when you’re sad? what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? what kind of covers do you have on your bed? who is the last person you told a secret to?

-Sleep.

-Dick around on my phone until I feel tired.

-I’m changing this to day. So when I first got to Colorado a couple years ago and first got to see my friends in real life, that was the greatest moment I have ever experienced. There’s absolutely nothing like being able to hug someone for the first time after talking to them for years.

-I have a sheet, a thermal blanket, a quilt, and a fleece tie blanket.

-Lisa!

purple: what’s your astrological sign? what’s the best piece of advice you ever received? when’s the last time you followed your instincts? what’s your favorite food? what’s your secret dream?

-I’m an aquarius.

-I’m paraphrasing but “Nobody really cares what you do or look like because they’re usually too focused on what people think of them.” It’s honestly the only reason I have any scrap of confidence now.

-Today during lab. God knows I can’t do anything without following my instincts though.

-My favorite food is Swedish Meatballs. Holy shit, they are so good.

-My secret dream? To be a housewife that wears 50s cocktail dresses and drinks alcohol all day tbh.

#kenzie's ramblings #jt-snow

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