#and that one of them is lung cancer WHICH U DON'T WANT TO GET

[ilygetou]

I SEE THAG U LIKE CIGS.. how was ur first cigarette how did it feel, i might try my first cigarette ever so could u share some tips with hiding the smell?

WOOOO IT WAS DEFINITELY SCARY.

especially because i did it behind my mother’s back and i knew that if by any chance i ever get caught i would be doomed <\3

The first puff from a cigarette was definitely hard, coughing everywhere until your eyes get teary n shit...but then after a couple more puffs like two or three i got the hang of it and it was pretty easy if you ask me, very smooth but risky process.

TIPS THAT I USED; okay so first off i purchased a bunch of mint gum, mentos, and a bunch of mint type breath removing stuff, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT scented perfume or cologne THE SMELL SHOULD BE VERY STRONG AND STICKS ON YOU FOR SO LONG. IT SHOULD BE A KIND OF A COMMON SMELL like vanilla or strawberry but anything that has a strong smell works as well.

extra: showering after smoking is also very helpful to remove the smell especially since the smell sticks on your hair as well, so if anyone got very close to you they MAY be able to smell cigarettes from your hair, so just to be extra careful, shower. Also brush your teeth!!! this should be very obvious but you know being extra careful is always helpful.

ALSO IF BY ABY CHANCE THE SMELL STILL STUCK ON YOU AND SOMEONE QUESTIONED YOU ABOUT, you could always bring up excuses like; “we passed by a bunch of smokers on the way” “my friends parents smokes (you can always add on this excuse like they smoked a whole pack)” ANY HALF-ASSED EXCUSE THAT U CAME UP WITH WOULD WORK, just don’t show that you’re nervous or anything, and don’t show signs that you’re hiding anything just be chill and calm while saying your excuse.

I HOPE THESE HELPS ANON<3

#tw. cigarettes #but remember smoking is really really bad for your health and i definitely do not recommend it hut if you want to do it #then fuck it it’s ur life live it #just remember that you could get several diseases from smoking #and that one of them is lung cancer WHICH U DON'T WANT TO GET #u also kost definitely don’t want that smoker voice #very deep and hugh pitched sometimes #sounds like ur dying #JUST BE CAREFUL ANON. #[ evelyn’s anons !] #[ evelyn's asks ! ]

[lily-orchard]

I think the biggest indicator of the fact that my stalkers are fucking insane (aside from everything) is how recently they're trying to paint me as this virulent racist but you ask them to explain themselves they just fall the fuck apart.

This all started when I criticized SU for it's fashy undertones and people were like "Oh Sugar's Jewish you can't say that" and like... That didn't magically change the content but okay.

But then I had to deal with people getting so fucking angry about the fact that I didn't talk about the antisemitic jokes in Harley Quinn and The Big Bang Theory and like... Am I supposed to shut up when Jewish person does it or not?

You tell me to stay in my lane, I stay in my lane, you still get enraged. Pick a lane you psycho.

People try to call me anti-asian because I have to talk about anime sometimes because my job involves the animation industry and it's stupid discourse which means having to talk about weebs. But this is just standard weeb operating procedure. Weebs have been crying "xenophobe" whenever you criticize them specifically (weeb refers to Americans btw) ever since that stupid "JRPG" discourse started.

It's literally the definition of "No U."

My criticisms of the industry are restricted entirely to the industry, talking about how private corporations fleece neckbeards for money and how that fleecing has affected the perceptions of the industry overseas. The culture and the nation and the people are completely excluded from the conversation because outside of fact-checking weebs when they try to deflect criticism by making shit up it's just not what the conversation is about.

The last few weeks people have claimed I just Japan based on anime, but no. I don't do that. I specifically go out of my way to avoid doing that. You're just making shit up. Probably because you're fucking mad I said your favourite shitty cartoon was bad.

Then there's a few special cases claiming I'm anti black almost entirely because I mixed up the words "inherently" and "consistently" one time TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO, apologized, and never repeated the mistake. And I also made the critical mistake of publicly saying that not being that was important to me, which mean the stalkers smelled blood in the water and went for the throat.

This shit is the reason I've just shut off all communication. I can't take any of this seriously anymore because it's buried under so much dishonest bullshit all the fucking time because some obsessive fangirl thought she saw a weak spot.

And look I know that was the point. To coerce me into shutting off avenues of criticism so she can accuse me of living in a bubble or some other insane nonsense. But again: You can't win that kind of battle with someone who has made their intentions clear. She just wants to take more stabs for the sake of stabs.

And when it's not ghoulish dishonestly like this, it's making shit up for no reason.

"Lily sends herself asks! How do we know? We just do!"

"Lily's faking cancer! How do we know? We just do!"

Like, just stop fucking lying. It's so goddamned obvious when you're lunging at me for the sake of lunging at me. One of these loons has been at this since 2015 and always shows up in the replies of anyone who expresses good faith OR bad faith displeasure toward me. Hell she found my Facebook page just so she could fucking rant and call me amliar over stories that DIDN'T CONTRADICT ANYTHING. This "person" hounds me everywhere I fucking go, bothering everyone she possibly can because she just can't let go of the fact that I didn't want to be around her toxic ass any ore BECAUSE SHE DOES SHIT LIKE THIS!

People will call me bigoted because I didn't like a cartoon, but will get behind someone who accused me of faking being trans to get in her pants, which is such blatant terf rhetoric.

The worst part about all of this is how nakedly fucking transparent this harassment is. It's so fucking obvious at a glance and that's without getting into the pedojacketing. You can always trace it to some petty fucking bullshit.

This fucking obsession with tearing me down at all costs to the point that one person has completely forgone any notion of a life to dedicate herself to this fucking psychopathy.

If you sincerely believe any of the shit above, just fucking leave. Keep my name out of your fucking mouth, go find creators you actually like watching, and quit being an emotional burden on everyone you've ever met. Stop fucking lying about people. Just go get a fucking life and stop orbiting around me like a fucking creep.

You know Gamergate was weird, right? You know Kiwi Farms was creepy right? You know this is peculiar behavior. There comes a point you need to just stop focusing so hard on one person and move on with your goddamn life.

[easy-revenge]

Hii

So many people are calling Himeno a groomer and pedophile. What are your thoughts?

hellooo

oof.

ive seen the hate and slander for himeno on all platforms first hand. let me get some things out of the way first:

i do not defend himeno, nor her actions regarding denji. there is no defending that. it is what it is.

i can speak more on what ppl target her for though, bc i think its interesting.

(DISCLAIMER: opinions, in this case mine. no one has to agree with me. i have a lot to say but if you're not willing to listen and don't care about my pov, kindly move past this post. thank u)

the vast majority of ppl hating her that ive seen and/or interacted with online always find a way to get aki involved into the conversation. that's bullshit and i wanna speak on it before i touch on anything else.

aki is around 22 years old.

there is a tiktok here from one of my fav creators breaking that one down since a lot of ppl misread his introduction scene and thought he was 19:

with that said and done, there is nothing weird about aki and himeno whatsoever (ive seen ppl hate her for getting him into smoking which, ig fair, but lets be real for a sec and realize that even not knowing the spoilers, its pretty safe to assume that lung cancer is not what's gonna take them out). aki was around 19 when they met, which makes him a minor, but there was no hints whatsoever about himeno liking him until later on.

she didn't "watch him grow up" or "groom" him. she is in love with him in the present, when they are both of age. she knows aki has feelings for makima and doesn't cross any boundaries as we see both her and aki are comfortable being close with each other and initiating contact.

with the aki bullshit done, let's go back to the real thing: denji.

again, what himeno did to denji is inexcusable. there is no way around it. the fact that she was drunk doesn't serve as an excuse bc she still very much is the adult in the room and should've been more responsible.

i want to however talk about the terminology.

groomer.

a groomer is someone who builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them.

^ this is copy pasted from a dictionary. ring a bell? yes, that's literally makima.

himeno on the other hand did none of those things to denji. her offering him a kiss was more of a joke than anything else (plus she didn't know he was 16 back then) and she never had an ulterior motive for getting close to him.

im actually fairly certain that ppl call her a groomer more regarding aki than denji bc aki is the one she's known for a longer time and has had an effect on. i won't go back into this. utter bullshit. aki is not a child and himeno is not manipulating him. next.

the pedophile allegation is a bit of a rougher one to talk about. himeno initiated this playful flirting with denji at the start of the eternity devil arc, not knowing his age. she said explicitly right after that she "loves teasing boys" which implies that it was more a joke than anything else and considering that we proceed to get numerous flashbacks that let us know how deep her relationship with aki is and how genuine her feelings for him are, we can safely assume she does not give a fuck about denji.

the actual act that brought on the "pedophile" term happens when she is drunk. this, again, does not excuse her but i think can speak volumes about her state of mind. we know she gets extra flirty when she drinks and by the time the kiss happens she's tried to outdrink makima which means she's literally hammered. she is also drunk, significantly less but still, when she finds out denji's age. we know she is present enough for that info bc she remembers it the next morning when she brings it up, but again i dont think processing and comprehending information works just as well when you're half a dozen draft beers in. i dont have something more solid to say about this besides: she was really drunk and made some really bad choices bc she is irresponsible, flawed and generally messy as a person.

i dont feel comfortable calling her a pedophile. it doesn't ring that true to me. i dont think she is genuinely attracted to denji or would want to have sex with him while sober.

she knows it was wrong the next morning and she brings it up. that also shows that sober and with a clear mind she doesn't feel the same way.

the act itself is still horrible and inexcusable, but i think her thought process matters when it comes to assigning terms to her.

at the end of the day, i cant fight the ppl who do call her a pedophile. she did in fact attempt to have a sexual encounter with a minor. end of story. i mostly went into depth about this to talk about the aki thing bc it keeps popping up.

as for me, i choose to not erase her entire character over that one scene and reduce her to what ppl see her as. her arc is very well-written. SHE is very well-written. i keep recycling my words from my other posts but i think she is a perfect reflection of the universe she is in. we know she drinks and numbs everything out. we know the kind of dependency she has when it comes to aki and how it can cloud her judgment. she is very messy as i said and fundamentally flawed. but i loved seeing a broken character.

in a series like csm where denji can get cut in half and get back up to fight, its important for me to have characters like her to make u rly feel the impact of living in a world like this.

also the easy revenge storyline was dope as shit.

that's all about my thoughts on this, ive beem wanting to articulate them for a while, thank u for giving me the chance !!

#answered #chainsaw man #himeno chainsaw man #chainsaw man anime #himeno #aki hayakawa #akimeno #anime #manga #chainsaw man ask

[agentdilf]

HI can u write kyle with a stoner s/o?

fu k yeah. dude im slowly becoming a stoner it is not even funny 😭 Kyle Broflovski x GN!stoner s/o!!! tw: Weed, drugs, yknow. SORRY IF THIS IS INACCURATE IN ADVANCE!!!!! ♡ He's always looking out for you. ♡ LITERALLY THE SWEETEST ♡ "hey, babe, i'm going to the store, you want donuts or something?" ♡ listen, i just don't feel like he'd smoke dude. ♡ like he'd watch you but i feel like he'd be too scared to. ♡ pretty worried abt your lungs. (one of the main reasons he aint doing it with you) ♡ would definitely laugh if you said bong water in a serious tone tho.. ♡ ♡ ♡ Kyle: *sigh...* "Did you inhale the bong water?" Reader: *nods* "Yeah..." Kyle: "Need me to open the door?" Reader: "Yeeeeaaaahhhh..." *sobbing* ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ loves chilling with you and bringing you snacks if you get munchies :) ♡ Head pats and cheek n nose kisses. ♡ will recommend randy's stuff even if he hasn't tried it. ♡ if he ever smokes, it's with you and only you. he trusts you so much and loves you so much! ♡ will cuddle you to sleep if you want. ♡ would laugh at you tbh. some sht ppl say while stoned is.... hilarious tbh. ♡ Helps you buy stuff if you're nervous or have anxiety. ♡ loves how chill you are. ♡ would jokingly get you little things and trinkets with the marijuana leaf on it ♡ Makes sure you're safe at all times. ♡ anyone has a problem with it?? psssht he will beat them tf up if you asked. but really he'd encourage you not to let it get to you. ♡ over all he rlly thinks ur cute but is worried abt u getting lung cancer.

omg sorry this is so short i have writers block.... also sorry if this is inaccurate,,,, again im going off my own experiences,, i also need to stop writing as soon as i get requests ppl are gonna think im on tumblr 24/7 😔 i mean i am but shhhhh.... lil story abt myself... one time while i was high i got into my house through my back door, which has a couch in front of it. i just toppled over the back, landed upside down while my friend shoved me inside 😭 we ended up watching sonic boom LMAO

#south park #south park x reader #kyle brovlofski #kyle broflovski x reader #south park headcanons

[yanderememes]

Okay, here we go! Time to see who's ass is kidnapping mine (and no limits to a specific jjba part, it's all free game!)

I'm an infj, demigirl, panromantic asexual! 5'3 but I can throw hands if needed, although I'd prefer not to. My most noticeable physical traits are my incredibly colorful hair, and my fashion. I may be fairly rough and tumble, but I like looking more on the femme side! Like if you took a femme fatale and threw some e-girl in there for flavour. My fashion sense usually sticks me out like a sore thumbs, but if I'm traveling I make a point to mimic fashion trends in the area.

My signs are: Aquarius (sun), Cancer (moon), Capricorn (rising), and Aries (venus)! Oh, and Scorpio mars if that matters! Stubbornness runs in my family, and I'm easily the chaotic good gay cousin you can find in a family gathering.

I'm the mum/older sister-friend for most of my loved ones, but most people and strangers tend to be intimidated by me, my bluntness, and perceived reserved personality, so they tend to avoid me (which is understandable given I have like at least three knives on my person at all times.)

I'm passionate about a lot of things despite keeping them under wraps, but a few of my favorite things and activities are: the ocean, singing, birds of prey, romance-y type things, magic (I am a born and practicing witch, so supernatural experiences are not unusual to me) and exploring.

I hate spiders, anything involving medical needles, dishonesty, and unnecessary cruelty.

According to friends I'm fairly flirty but thats just how I talk with people I'm comfy with. I tend to adjust well to different social situations because I reflect other people's demeanors, but I don't hesitate to call people out on their bullshit even if I do it with a smile. I'm an total adrenaline junkie, but I also have social anxiety, depression, and PTSD(from a sexual assault, sadly).

So I have days where I can't really be touched but most of the time private cuddles and subtle physical touches are how I show trust and affection. My anxiety works pretty much as advertised, much it can easily be overridden by the Mom Friend Instinct. My depression is usually managed pretty well, but I can have serious RSD from my adhd (rejection sensitive dysphoria) which can send me spiraling from there. Speaking of the adhd, it doesn't really show unless you know me well, in which case it shows by:

I do the tangential ideas method of conversation to the irriation of many, I hyperfixate like a motherfucker (which means often I forget to take care of myself for hours or days on end) Executive dysfunction (really complicated but basically my brain literally stops me from doing certain things), and my need for specific types/combos of stimulation to be the most happy/productive

I have insomnia so I often don't sleep until like 6am, and I have a bad habit of sleeping only when my body decides it's had enough of my bullshit.

On the more spicy side of things, I'm a hardcore switch with an affinity for both overstimulation and edging, especially when paired with shibari and praise. As mentioned earlier, I'm asexual, but the high powers above decided to play a joke and not only make me ace, but make me have an absolutely raging libido and *then* give me genophobia from my ptsd ;-;

Dealing with more yandere themes, I'm incredibly paranoid and and easily socially spooked. I know how to use my surroundings to either fight for me, or use them as tools so I can fight myself. I'm also naturally private, but if you manage to find the right buttons or subjects to get me riled up over, it's like a broken dam and it's easier to get me to open up in the future. I'm very good at picking up on vibes from people, and my behavior towards them tends to adjust accordingly. Out of the fight/flight/freeze/fawn reactions, I tend to freeze, but then immediately switch to fight after. I don't have much in the way of proper fighting experience, but I know how to play dirty, and use my usually smaller body to my advantage. I can sprint like hell, but the moment I stop, I'm out like a light because I have the lung endurance of a hamster with asthma.

I hope this wasn't too much information, I just wanted to make sure all my bases were covered. Feel free to just skim or pick out what matters!Thank you so much for doing this, I'm so excited to see what u think!

-✨

Hi anon! Thanks for sending in the match up request 💙

I ship you with Jotaro! I personally think he'd be the best for you☺️

He would find your motherly figure to be attractive. He's not outwardly affectionate or good with demonstrating his feelings so he admires someone who can, like you!

Your passion for the ocean will make his heart soar. Despite being quiet, I think that'll get him talking more than usual and he'd love to share this passion. It's quite niche

I think he would want to hear you sing when visiting the ocean together. Yes, he'll isolate you like any other yandere, but visits to the ocean are the only exception since its a shared passion

Private cuddles and subtle physical touches are totally fine with him. He's not big on PDA and tbh he'd also show his affection like that too (not like you have a choice anyways since you're being held captive)

He'd stay up with you with at night cuz I hc that he has insomnia as well because of his PTSD from his time in Egypt

Lastly, Jotaro would take care of you and handle any issues regarding your health. He's pretty grounded (minus the unhealthy yandere obsession) so he'd look after your health and make sure you're staying healthy and hydrated!

#ask #anonymous

[the-faultofdaedalus]

hello, yes, if you were to write a whole fucking essay about hanahaki being a parasite, I would read it so many times 'til I can remember every paragraph, because f u c k- you're so right, I don't get how we always focus on the "oh no, I'm in love, but I don't know if they love me back"-part, and not the "holy fuck, I have a simbiotic relationship with a p l a n t that is growing inside me!"-part. like dud- cancer is scary as fuck and I don't have any other illness to compare,but parasites- :00

hanahaki IS A PARASITE! that’s what it is! that’s not even just my personal opinion: it’s an organism that grows inside of another organisim that results in the death of the host. it’s deffo not a mutualist, is what i’m saying. i just want hanahaki with A L L the fucked-up ness of it being a pathenogenic plant (and like. how did that happen? is hanahaki even a plant at all? is it a weird fungus disguised as a plant? where in kingdom plantae does this thing reside? what HAPPENED to force a non-motile photosynthetic autotroph into the role of a parasite that preys on primates?)

like, IMHO the closet example we have to hanahaki IRL is cordyceps fungus (aka zombie ant fungus) because.... it gets in the body, and eventually it kills the host in the most dramatic way possible, by erupting out of it’s body. 

maybe whatever specific chemicals or hormones or nerve signals and bodily reactions that come with unrequited love is just the trigger for explosive growth in an otherwise mostly benign infection, maybe those chemicals and hormones are something released by the plant itself. who’s to say which way the cause->effect goes? chemicals could trick you into thinking you’re in love with someone before the plant ever grows enough for you to start expelling parts of it. 

the specificity of the petal-coughing really gets to me, though. like. why petals? why are the flowering parts of this plant (and here’s a clue: either this thing is a mimic or it’s an angiosperm) the first parts of it to be physically exposed? where are these flowers coming from? there’s no way it can get pollinated while it is in a person, so why is it trying?

unless the parasite is just one stage of it, and the petals are the means for it to continue growing outside of a body. a haploid phase inside a host, a diploid phase outside, growing, identical to other plants until you breath in the pollen or the seeds and a week later find that you’re coughing more than you should be?

are the petals actually petals or are they just things that look like petals? what does this thing even look like, when it’s inside a host? i know the romanticized version, what it looks like in all the art: a fully blooming plant, more petals and flowers than anything else, but.... that can’t be right, can it? this thing doesn’t -- can’t -- photosynthesize, not until it’s host is no more then fertilizer (at which point, i’d imagine, that just like cordyceps it erupts out of the body and grows the true structure of the plant) but it’d still need leaves, for respiration, mostly. This thing cannot photosynthesize: it is consuming oxygen, not producing it. it needs nutrients: it has to get those from the host. 

does it even have chlorophyl, if it relies on the host for nutrients? maybe these things are albino, unpigmented. ghostly. the stems are thin, the leaves are small -- they have to be, or they wouldn’t fit in the delicate systems of the human lungs -- and the roots grow deep. 

the roots grow deep and thin enough to weave their way through the gaps between two cells, like the filaments of mycorrhizal fungi, into the host’s blood stream where it can provide itself with precious, precious water. this infection does not break the body until it has to. it weaves itself in deep. 

What percentage of veins and arteries in the hosts have fuzzy root tendrils inside of them? how much of the lung is being taken over by the tiny leaves, stealing the oxygen the host needs? just how much of the host is overtaken by the stems and roots of this plant when it finally starts flowering in the bronchi of the lungs, the only places with enough space to do so? 

how much of the symptoms of hanahaki are a shortness of breath, a lack of blood O2, constant dehydration, nutrient deficiencies as the plant takes more than the body can provide? how much is the coughing of petals a sentence, not because of what the plant will do, but because of what it’s already done? 

and that’s not even getting into the potential of this thing making and secreting chemicals into the host’s blood stream to control and guide behaviour!!!

#im using my year 1 major in biosci for GOOD #god if hanahaki was real id love to see one of those human body exhbits where they show all the viens and arteries and capilaries #but for hanahaki #just how big the plant grows before the host is visibly symptomatic #body horror #you ever see those cracks in sidewalks where the roots of trees have grown too big? because. yeah. yeah. #Anonymous

[changji]

"Do I have an enchilada?" please arella I'm actually crying. All of that sounds like something I'd do esp when introducing myself. I actually hate doing that it's so awkward. Like lol pls don't focus on me I don't want the spotlight. The second one is so cute!! And the get cool one I nearly combusted when I saw it. I also saw some but tumblr's being an ass and not letting me insert links in an ask so I'll msg you them

😒Can you believe I didn’t know what a back road was until after I googled it 2 seconds ago LOL. I’m finding it funny now but if I were the one to crash into a gate my mom would be on my ass pronto (omg i haven’t used that word in forever). Ap euro is so fancy,, like I hear ppl in the states saying “yea i took ap euro one year” “omg ap euro? I took that too!” “woah are u guys talking about ap euro? I love that course!”

omg the whole fake thing is literally everyone at my school it’s too funny. Sometimes ppl will comment on my ig posts and I’ll be hella fake to them & my best friend calls me out on it LOL. It’s not really a basement? I can’t describe it but it’s like a tunnel? Oh yeah apparently they found asbestos in it & I was down there for a whole semester so guess who’s gonna die of lung cancer xDDDD but your school has a garden????? I also saw my school building portables outside and I wanted to cry

-

i'm actually the worst at spanish, some of my friends who didn't have spanish w me last year were like “arella,,,, how are u in this class” like?? idk?? the teacher liked me bc i was funny so ig he just let me pass 🤷 and right ! also when teachers do attendance but call out names and butcher ur name and everyone turns to u when u say how to pronounce it properly. which one did u like more like we’re soft but the darker ones are kinda Talking to me idk

i have a house (like a vacation house) in the countryside and we pass by the big farm cities and there’s always a back road. its so funny watching tourists struggle thru traffic LOL, ap euro is coming for me like. do i want to take the ap test? no. will i take it bc its free? yes bc might as well. of all my older family members who took ap euro, 1/4 passed the ap test so im Worried. ap euro is a course made for seniors but at my school sophomores take it 😒 

im a snake and proud. but only to people who were snakes first. u see i am NICE but if i hate u then i'm not. and a tunnel in ur school? that's lit rally wild omg. ngl i had to google asbestos oops, u can't die bc i can't drag u to hell w me, i'm supposed to die first !! is it just like. a bathroom portable? or a real portable. there are portables at my school too but they have ac so i'm not rly complaining,,,

#answering these all separately bc why not uwu #queen ada 💞 #mutuals #asks

[beyondmisora-archive]

hey! if it's okay, can I here more about your canon as Nagito :O? if u don't wanna share though that's okay!!

It’s totally okay! I’m more than happy to share!!

General/Pre-despair

-I remember having asthma that was pretty bad (part of why the Despair Disease hit so hard)

-It was a pretty small issue though, unless I was sick

-My stage four cancer and frontotemporal dementia were very much real. I only lied about that to keep from getting pity. And to keep anyone who I might have talked to about it from trying to get close to me.

-I had hoped to die without being a burden to anyone who might have believed they cared

-Sometime during my time as a high school student, I went into remission from my cancer. I spent the remainder of my life cancer-free.

-I have memories that seem to imply I was in a relationship with Hajime, but they’re a little too vague to tell.

-I could not run to save my life, even after recovering from cancer. I hated how poor my lungs/heart were

-I learned how to manipulate my luck to a degree. I considered that to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

-I felt completely unworthy of being among my peers

-They radiated hope, so I knew I’d never be good enough to be around them. The fact that I felt this way caused me to distance myself a little from them

-I had PTSD from several of the tragic accidents I’d experienced during my childhood (I’ll spare the details though, since I do remember some of the incidents vividly), there were several incidents/flashbacks that affected me both before and after the game. If you’re really curious about specifics, I’ll go into it if you send another ask/PM me.

Ultimate Despair

-During my time as an Ultimate Despair, I worshiped the ground Kamukura walked on

-It might have been more of an obsession than just a deep admiration

-Kamukura was more than aware of my infatuation (perhaps even love) towards him and occasionally indulged me when he though it could quell his boredom

-I’d do literally anything he’d ask

-Sometimes I would ramble about how I didn’t deserve to be around so many people with talent completely unprovoked, especially when I saw/was around Kamukura

-While I fell into despair, I still managed to stay hopeful even though it was incredibly twisted

-This might have been because I wasn’t as close to Chiaki as the others were due to my suspension/following plane crash. Her death still hurt me significantly, but didn’t fully destroy my hope

-I was mostly in it to see if hope or despair would win

-On days when I didn’t hate Junko, I would be affectionate if she let me close to her.

-I’d press up against her like a cat if I could, she’d usually laugh and talk about how pathetic I was 

-I didn’t particularly enjoy my time spent with the Warriors of Hope. It was a means to an end when it came down to it. I think I had some semblance of care for Monaca? But that was it

In-game

-During the game, I had admired Hajime from the get-go. There was just something about him that made me find him really likable 

-I was less of a dick after I learned he was a reserve course student because I had spent so long admiring him. Though, it did hurt to know he, the others, and myself had been the Ultimate Despair

-I felt Hajime and I had a connection due to our idolization of those who were far more talented than the likes of us

-I did love each and every one of my classmates. I was actually somewhat nervous to be around such talent, even though that was something that I was able to hide pretty easily

-People were distant from me during the game after the first trial

-Though, sometimes, I would find Mikan and talk to her. She seemed kind of uncomfortable at first, but eventually warmed up to me with time.

-So, I was really devastated after the third murder once I figured it out/during the trial. I thought she was trustworthy, but seeing her kill for despair genuinely hurt me. I closed off a little more to everyone else, but would still talk if others wanted so that they could keep an eye on me.

Post-game

-By the time I left the neo-world program, only my asthma and dementia took a toll on my physical mental health. However, Mikan did help me manage living with those problems

-I did manage to become closer to the rest of my fellow peers

-But I definitely took to Hajime more than anyone else

-I was also very close to Sonia, Mikan, Gundham, and Fuyuhiko

-Nekomaru and I weren’t super close, but we had bonded over our health issues. And I really admired the way he lived his life because of them. And, I was maybe a little jealous.

-I really liked petting Gundham’s animals, I treated them with the utmost respect and care when I was near them

-But I really missed having a dog above anything else

-If I was in a really bad place, Gundham would usually let me pet his animals so I could try to calm down/relax

-Sonia and Gundham were an adorable couple. They may have been in a poly-relationship with Souda, I can’t remember.

-Mikan and Hajime helped me out a lot when I was having issues recovering from PTSD

-I honestly don’t think I would have made it without them

-Sometimes I’d try to take the attention off of Mikan when Hiyoko was insulting her once we were closer

-Hajime really helped Mikan and I with our self-esteem issues. We did our best to protect her when people were mean to her, which really helped her feel better about herself in the long run. Ibuki was very close to her too, also helped boost Mikan’s self-esteem.

-I never really stopped calling myself worthless or trash, but I stopped inviting people to use/harm me

-While I completely worshiping Hajime the way I worshiped Kamukura, I also idolized Makoto Naegi. I believed he was a true and unwavering symbol of hope. Not only that, but he made me realize that even people who seemed talentless could have talent. So, I’d say seeing him in person gave me a real self-esteem boost. At least for a short while

#A.J. answers #Nagito Komaeda kin #kin memories #kin related #There you go! #it's kind of long #sorry!!

[myowndojo]

I think yesterday I thought about how I could have cancer like stomach cancer lung cancer whatever cancer is associated with my style and way of living. I know what I'm doing consciously so I know the cancer will come but I thought maybe today is the day I go to the hospital and they tell me I have some form of cancer and idk that thot was liberating like finally I can die but not by my own hands (which is painful and scary to do) but something out of my hands that's inevitable it felt like giving up but finally I don't have to worry about anything finally I can fucking die without again hurting my family by suicide. Like I wouldn't have to do nothing but keep living my life and I'd go in a timely manner. But I also started to think about that movie me Earl and the dying girl(really good if u haven't watched it yet fun fact Joey badass was supposed to play Earl in that movie but couldn't bc of the tours he was doing) and the scene where she finally dies was the one I thot about. As much as I welcome sweet death I'm also still scared or am I ? Like an I truly ready to go to stop functioning on this Earth and enter whatever next stage my energy goes into .killing urself with knife/ hanging/gun is messy and kinda scary I already don't like guns I'm queasy around them I think they are cool aesthetically but that's mostly it. Hanging yourself obvs I don't want to cause physically pain on my body i just want to go instantly like maybe if I wasn't looking a gunshot to the back of the head (would I think/feel anything). Pills seem to do the trick that's the most likely thing altogether I stay away from pills I'm not opposed to taking them but I usually don't wether drugs or vitamins or medicine I find it odd. But that was always the clear choice if I attempted it idk what pills I'm assuming sleeping pills would do the job. But natural causes is something that does get me excited to die in a car accident ( which I feel it coming very soon) or to die by throwing myself on to traffic or to die by cancer due to smoking and unhealthy eating habits those are all natural the body will die u just let it do it's things and that's something I'd prefer I know I'm terrible for staying this bc I hate that good people get cancer or a form of fatal illness and they use all their energy to come back or fight it and I hate that so much cancer is an ugly thing that rips away at ur body causeing everything to stop functioning properly. Do those people make peace with the upcoming death are they truly ready? No one is ready but can u be? Will I be ready the moment the doctor tells me or will I kick and scream towards the final moments realizing I want more seconds or days or years of this life. I couldn't imagine thinking I want to live everyday anymore but for a second I did think I didn't want to die so soon and that was a first . I think that shows some type of will to live 🧐 is it in dna or evolution some sort of plan that makes us want to keep living even if everything we experience is soul suckingly disgusting and tiresome