#and the comment about how it's a picture od ''my mental health''

[montosmadman]

I was tagged by @soy-celeste ages ago. This was hard but also super rewarding because I really got to take a deep dive in the murky depths of my own music library. Thanks for thinking of me, Cata💕

Task: choose TEN SONGS that describe your personal aesthetic / how you see yourself. Bonus points if you write a little explanation for each song, that‘s not a must though.

List under a read more because it turned out really long and includes some very personal and possibly triggering mental health stuff.

I'm tagging @capitanogiorgio @hendos @furiousflamewolf @checoswin and @diegoalvesisgod

1. Nakashima Mika - 僕が死のうと思ったのは

The title loosely translates to "The reason I thought I'd die" or "The time I thought I'd die". Yes, I went there right off the bat.

Let's get something straight: I'm not suicidal. I have never been actively suicidal, despite struggling with depression and anxiety most of my teenage/adult life. However, what this song captures for me is the feeling when you're not actively thinking about killing yourself, but you do have this empty feeling when you think there's no point for you being alive. And that's something I'm very familiar with.

There are a couple lines I wanna highlight, even though the whole song hits me very hard whenever I listen to it:

その木漏れ日でうたた寝したら、虫の死骸と土になれるかな

If I lie down beneath the sunlight streaming through the trees, will I become like the dirt and insect remains?

あなたのような人が生きてる世界に少し期待するよ

If people like you are living in this world, then maybe it’s alright to hope a little too.

The first line does what I talked about to above: it's the feeling when you just lie down and wonder if anything would change if you just disappeared. The second line -- last one of the song -- has more hope. It's when you find a reason to believe in the future and realize there is still a reason to live. Personally, I'm trying to hang very hard on that last thought even when the world seems to be against me.

(Full translation in a pinned comment under the Youtube video)

2. The Ark - Little Dysfunk You

No essay here. I just needed to have The Ark on the list because they're the official soundtrack of my life, the first band whose album I bought myself, and who taught me it was okay not to fit in. I even have a tattoo that says "a little dysfunk" because my best friend and I have been relating to this song long before either one of us realized we weren't neurotypical. It's the very dysfunctional ode to our friendship, and I love it.

3. Elton John - Rocket Man

I feel like this might be a universal experience growing up neurodiverse and/or an outsider. You spend years feeling like you're alone in space, on another planet, and you want to connect with people but at the same time know that once you come back, you still won't be the person others want or expect you to be. The challenge is to accept that and realize it's okay and you don't need to change yourself for others. And it really is hard when you're raised in a society where the odds are stacked against you.

4. Sanni - Jos mä oon oikee

Look, I'm giving you something in Finnish too!

Sanni is one of the Finnish artists whose breakthrough I originally missed because I was living abroad. I only properly discovered her a couple years after moving back, when I was driving a lot for my work and hence listening to the radio much more than I used to. Her songs just kept standing out from the rest: her lyrics had this amazing depth even when she was singing about mundane stuff -- like, she was finding these painful truths I hadn't ever spoken but felt very clearly.

That said, I had to choose the one song that's actually very upfront with this idea of being an outsider and not feeling like a part of this world. The title translates to "If I am real" and that pretty much sums it up. It's a song about feeling lonely in the middle of a crowded room, feeling like no one sees you or cares what you do. I personally have this habit of taking a step back and observing people rather than getting involved -- and even when I do, it rarely feels like it's really me out there, because I'm so used to masking and acting like everyone else just to fit in, you know?

I'll finish this off with my favourite verse, translated by yours truly. The last line especially hits home super hard no matter how many times I hear it.

Rautatieasema maanantaina ruuhkaisa Kaikilla tuntuu olevan kiire ja suunta Mä oon ulkopuolella vaik seison sisällä Jos oon jo kotona miten voi olla koti-ikävä

The railway station on Monday is crowded Everyone seems to be in a rush and have a direction I'm outside even though I'm standing inside How can I feel homesick when I'm already home

5. Shobha - Last Exit To Freedom

Full disclosure: Degrassi has been one of my comfort series for many, many years. When this song was first introduced in Next Class, it hit me really hard because it was woven into this whole storyline about depression and suicide, which at the time spoke to me a lot. I repeat, I have never been suicidal, but I do get the headspace that could drive people into it.

However, listening to it again now, it's mostly the message of hope that shines through to me. It's a song that can take two very different readings depending on what your own baggage is. And the series actually acknowledges that later on, which I think is not only beautiful but also extremely important.

There's empty places in my life and I need to breathe There's empty spaces on the map waiting there for me

I've never felt more free than when I actually drop my responsibilities and just go where I want to go. I need that space to breathe, and that's why it has always been such a relief when I could just pack up and start over in a new place. Some might call it running away from my troubles -- and they wouldn't be completely wrong -- but that doesn't change the fact that I've always valued my own freedom above any arbitrary societal norms.

6. Scandinavian Music Group - Näin minä vihellän matkallani

SMG is another one of those bands I grew up on and have seen live several times, so they needed to be here. This song is more on the "aesthetic" end of scale than how I see myself. In fact, I've many times hoped I could be like the narrator of this song. I'll give you a couple of verses to explain:

Kun minulta viedään kaikki Autan kantamaan Ja kun lopulta kaadun Teen sen näyttävästi

When everything's taken from me I'll help them carry it And when I finally fall I'll do it with a flair

Minä vihellän matkallani Näin minä vihellän matkallani Jos sen on oltava niin Olkoon sitten niin

I'm whistling on my journey See how I'm whistling on my journey If this is how things have to be Then so be it

It's this carefree attitude. Laughing in the face of hardship and controversy. There's another amazing line about getting back to the saddle after you fall and swearing you'd do it all over again. I've never been able to do that, because I carry all my old failures and pains so close to the surface, and could never just shake them off with a shrug, no matter how minor.

But on another level, I keep hearing from people who I thought knew me that I don't seem depressed. And who can blame them: on the outside, it probably looks like I bounce back from hardships really fast, because I'm so used to masking my issues that the moment I'm physically capable of doing it, I will. So you might say this song is a picture of my outer self, though it hardly mirrors what's really going on.

7. Queen - Don't Stop Me Now

I'm a firm believer that if my life was a teen movie, this is the song I'd have playing in the final scene where I'd just go "fuck that" and started dancing with @mirkwoodstock in the middle of the parking lot of something. It's my ultimate party anthem, the one that always has me dancing and singing along no matter where I am.

Back when we were at the university, Nanna and I used to go to this rock'n'roll club in town and they'd always play Don't Stop Me Now close to the end of the night, and it really became our song. Like, no matter how shitty I felt, when it came on, I'd be there, and so would she. And that's why it also deserves to be on the list.

8. Blind Channel - Died Enough For You

Throwing a rare newer song into the mix. The moment I heard this song, I knew I'd be listening to it a lot. There's also an acoustic version if you're not a fan of the genre or if you just wanna have a different perspective. Blind Channel is also representing Finland in Eurovision next week, and I'm living for it.

Advertising aside, Died Enough For You takes me to some really dark times in my life. I've been in relationships, both romantic and not, where I've been carrying the other person and giving so much of myself, risking my own mental health (which was not that good to begin with) and not getting much in return. There comes a point where you have to prioritize yourself and admit that dragging yourself into the same abyss is not going help anyone. Unfortunately, usually it takes more strength to admit that and leave than to stay in the relationship that's hurting you.

I'm still talking to some of these people, but I've learned to give myself a permission to sign off when I notice that by helping them I'm only hurting myself more. Someone else's wellbeing cannot be my responsibility when I'm struggling to keep myself afloat. And I truly hope everyone who is supporting me also knows that.

9. Aqua Timez - 真夜中のオーケストラ

Title translates to "Midnight Orchestra". Yes, it's from Naruto. I discovered it back when I was still more involved in anime fandom stuff, and fell for it again year ago when I binged the anime when to lockdowns started, because I needed an escape.

And what an escape it was. Have you ever heard a song and immediately went "I need a tattoo of this", or is that just me? I'm probably not going to get a tattoo because I don't trust non-Japanese artists to get the kanjis right, but the song still captures something very real about loneliness that's not really visible but still very much there. Like, the moment when you meet a person you can truly relate to and for the first time realize you'd been feeling lonely all that time. That's what this song describes to me.

Below are a few verses towards the end of the song. I've bolded the one that first caught my attention (and which I still have as the title of my Japan sideblog).

真夜中の詩が叫んだ「僕ほんとうは独りが　嫌いだ　大嫌いだ」 独りぼっちで　生きてゆけてしまうなんてこと

The song of midnight cried out "I truly hate being alone more than anything" I hate to go on living completely alone…

幸せなんて　小さなスプーンで掬えるくらいで充分なんだ 分け合える人がいるか　いないかだけ

All I need is being able to scoop happiness with a tiny spoon so long as I have someone to share it with

(Full translation)

真夜中の詩は叫ぶよ「僕ほんとうは　僕ほんとうは　淋しかった」 太陽の眩しさに　かき消されても

The song of midnight cried out "I was truly, truly… lonely" Even if I were to be erased by the sun's radiance

10. Jenni Vartiainen (Apulanta) - Mato

This song, named "Worm", was originally released by Finnish rock band Apulanta in 1997. The lyrics, while they might make sense as individual statements, are basically gibberish when you combine them into one piece and try to understand the meaning. There is none. Anyways, the version I chose is a remake by another artist, first performed on the Finnish version of The Best Singers format. It doesn't make any more sense, I just like it better because Jenni is hot and she made it so much fun.

And the reason it's on this list? Welcome to my brain, folks! Sometimes, especially when I'm overwhelmed by lots of external stimuli, my mind tends to just wander wherever the hell it pleases and make connections even I don't get. It also likes to forget the stuff I said just a second a go, so I can switch subjects on the go without even noticing. It's very soothing to have music that doesn't require me to make those connections when that happens.

And now, I shall close this massive post with the first verse of this masterpiece:

Minä tahdon ulos, tahdon ulos kattilasta Minä tahdon pelastaa vielä sinutkin kiehumasta Minä tahdon lentää ulos vessan ikkunasta Minä tahdon tietää kaiken teidän karkkimaasta

I want out, I want out of this kettle I also want to save you from boiling I want to fly out of the toilet window I want to know everything about your candy land

Stay safe and take care of yourselves my dears💕

#tag meme #long post #music #neurodiversity #mental health #tw suicide #tw depression #tw mental health #tw toxic relationship

[evawelsh]

a story about toxicity by liberty welsh

There was this guy his name was bear, bear saw eva was sad, and depressed. Bear decided to text Eva and see what was up. “Hey I know you're going through a rough time and I know it's hard, but it gets better. I've been through something similar. Eva doesn't trust anybody anymore, she's been broken so many times and doesn't know how to be fixed, but she took a risk and texted him back. “Hey…, thank you but i don't think you would understand, but thanks for checking up.”

“hey , you can tell me if u want i probably get more than u think.”

For some reason Eva had a sense of trust, a sense of understanding of this guy so she told him most of it. “Ive had 18 surgeries, ive bein raped, i get nightmares constantly every night,ive tried to kill myself 3 difrent time, ive been hurt, im broken, i have a eating disorder, im so broken and so scared nobody can put me back together.”

“ you have no clue how much i relate to all of that, every single one of things i get maybe even worse.”

“You've been raped before…? And youve tried to kill yourself?

“ Yeah i have, and yeah 30+ times i've tried and haven't succeeded.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, just know it'll get better, I promise.”

“Thank you.”

At that moment Eva trusted him more then anyone else, more then she has in a long time.

Over a couple of weeks Eva and Bear got closer, they'd talk almost every day constantly, Eva grew closer to Bear, she liked him a lot.

One day at school while sitting with friends she was texting him and decided to text him and say that she really likes him.

“Yeah i get that a lot” was his response

Liberty almost started crying, for some reason it hurt, more than anything in awhile, she really cared about him, but because she cared about him so much she decided to stay and not stop talking to him, later that night she decided to try again and told him how much she really cared about him. He said he did but doesn't do long distance relationship scenes. He lived in Virginia and she lived in idaho. She said please i can make u so happy, he said okay i'll take the chance. That night they both fell even harder for each other.

The third of dating he said i love you; she was confused and didn't know how to respond because no one ever felt that way about her before and didn't know how to respond. There were such strong words that should only be used when u truly care for each other. She finally said i love you too, it was a big deal to her

That night Eva wrote her boyfriend a very long paragraph about how much she cared for him and waited for him to wake up to respond and see it. When Bear woke up he read the long paragraph and started to cry, because he also never had somebody that cared that much about him and thanked her so much. Bear was also broken maybe even worse than ever but they brought each other back together

Long distance was hard and about 2 weeks in their relationship eva got her phone taken away, she always found ways to talk to him, at first t tell him what happened she commented on a post of his on instagram, saying it doesn't mean the end and she's trying her hardest to get it back, she found a old phone and used it to text him, and at school her old best friend would text bear videos and photos of eva to keep his hope going. Eva later broke her old phone but found a tablet they were calling one night and she go caught and go it taken away, her friend let her use her phone to tell him to add her on facebook so she could text him off her ps4 on messenger, he did and they texted that way for a long time

Eva was soon aloud to have her phone back for 2 hours a day and would text her boyfriend on her ps4 seeing if he could talk because she would use all that time talking to him, they would facetime for 2 hours or if he couldn't would text, it brought them closer together

One night bear told eva something he hadn't been telling her, bear would get these chest pains everyday 3 times a day, he said it would feel like someone put a hot frying pan up to his chest and would just hold it there and not take it off, when he told her it was happening she cried and cried and cried a lot because she knew she couldn't be there to comfort him and to help make it feel better and had to do it over the phone with what time she had left on it

Eva was happy, she wasn't broken anymore, she was happy, one time she was at a sleepover with her all time best friend kate, eva had her phone for the sleepover so she wanted her two favorite people to meet each other and they facetimed her boyfriend all night, in the middle evas phone died so she gave katelynn her boyfriends number so they could still face, kate later kept sending embarrassing pictures of eva to her boyfriend and in the middle of the sleepover eva was texting her boyfriend, and was apparently smiling a lot, katelynn texted him a picture and it made him so over filled with happiness

Later in the relationship it started to go bad; bear was still broken, he told her that if she ever broke up with him he would kill himself gain and it would all be her fault, he said this cause he was so use to being left and thought it was the only way to keep her to stay with him was to tell her that, this broke her, she felt at fault for everything, like everything was her fault

She finally decided to tell her brother to ask what to do he said it was very toxic and he shouldn't be doing thi but sense he never had done something like this before give him a couple days and see if it continues if it does then don't deal with it, it continued after a couple days and she told kate what had happened and how she didnt want to leave even if it meant risking her own mental health so he wouldn't die. Kate almost had to force her to break up with the bear because she was so afraid he would actually do it.

After that he couldn't text her anymore, she was worried, eventually she finally got back in contact and would text occasionally, everytime they texted she would cry, and couldn't stop, almost every time they texted they'd fight and it broke her all over again

One time she was at a game and she texted him they got in the biggest fight yet and she was crying even more than before, she was completely broken, what she realizes that nobody had noticed or cared she was crying and breaking down and nobody asked what was wrong.

She had realized he became the monster she feared and would dream of

One night she was at the school dance with her friends, they had come over earlier and they all got ready together, she was happy for one she found her source of happiness. When she was at the dance, she got a text. The text. He said “hey”

“Hey how are you

“Terrible i can't stop crying “

“what's wrong”

“I don't want to talk about it”

“Please i know u better than anyone tell me”

“My best friend back home in athens killed himself”

“Omg im so sorry”

He wouldn't text back the rest of the night. Towards the end of the night she texted again and “said can i ask u something?”

“Sure”

“Did u actually try,,, to kill yoursellf”

“Yeah 3 times”

“How”

“OD”

“Was it all my fault?”

“Yes”

That night Eva was broken again all over again, she was right it was all her fault, she caused everything and it was all her fault. She cried a lot at the dance and just wanted to go home.

Eva lost her sense of home after that night when she got home, it didn't feel like home, she'd cry and cry wanting to go home but she was home, but it didn't feel the same. It was filled with memories of the monster.

They stopped talking for awhile, until they later got in contact again, he was apparently happier, he told her he had a girlfriend, and how the night bear and eva broke up they got together, this broke eva all together again because she realized she still loved him so much. She pretended to be happy they talked for longer, he told her he didn't want her in his life anymore, this broke her, she told him to tell her what he was feeling before she left and got out of his life for forever

“Are u sure u want me to”

“Yes just say it”

““I FUCKING HATE YOU”

“Yeah, i figured”

“No no no, i've hated u ever scene the day you left”

Eva remembered all the times after words were see said shell just leave because it seemed better for him and he said no stay i care about u still, and she believed him

You're so selfish when it comes to relationships and annoying as hell. I literally hate u anywhere u go u cause pain and i just want u gone and out of my life.

This broke eva one more time, she didn't realize it till now that she loc=ved him she loved him so much that i love outweighed the bad and all the bad things he had done to her, she still love him and wanted him back

This relationship, was very toxic this relationship caused eva a lot of problems mentally, she began to hate herself she came very very depressed, she would cut constantly to try and relax herself and distract herself and to make it all go away even if it was for a brief time, she didn't think she was pretty enough, she thought of her sels as ugly she thought of herself as fat, and not good enough for anybody, so she refused to talk to anybody about anything anymore, she thought that if she kept it all in and bottled it up and never knew nobody would have a chance to hurt her again

One day in math class she got sat next to this person they were named jordan, her and jordan became to grow closer to each other, every day when eva would enter class, even looking like a disaster jordan would say hey gorgeous, or ey beautiful, jordan taught eva how to trust again, jordan helped ever feel better again feel better about herself again, jordan taught her that it was okay to be happy and it was okay to trust people. Jordan taught Eva to love again and to love herself.

Everyday after school Jordan would hang out with Eva at the homework club, Eva told Jordan all of her secrets and all of her stories. Jordan was the first person she learned to trust and the first person who taught her it's okay to be vulnerable. Jordan means a lot to Eva and couldn't live without her.

[thesinglesjukebox]

ARIANA GRANDE - BREATHIN

[7.50]

In lieu of the real Jukebox entry for this song, we're just going to show you a picture of a pig.

Tobi Tella: When Sweetener was released, a lot of people were taken aback by how weird it was. Some people were mad, but I see it as artistic evolution beyond the fun pop music she's been making for years. "Breathin" sounds more like her old work then most of the album, but the subject matter is decidedly mature, talking about her struggle with anxiety. I love the repetition of a chorus and think it's a powerful sentiment: sometimes you just need to take a step back and breathe. Especially after all the things that have happened to her, "Breathin" feels triumphant. [8]

Edward Okulicz: For a pop star, Grande's borne a huge amount of the brunt of other people's pain, hatred and aggression, so I admire her so much for being able to both put it aside to deliver good pop singles over and over, and here, to work with her own tension to create a great single. There are women who would kill for this as a lead single and she just craps it out as single number three because she damn well can. "Breathin" is Sweetener's take on the "Into You" template, sure, but it mixes that track's confident, erotic pulse with thick layers of anxiety. Rather than sensuous fulfilment, "Breathin" flirts with danger, with suffocation, but both melodically and lyrically conquers both -- "keep breathing, breathing, breathing" is like a mantra, and it feels perfect right now in 2018. It's a strong song to begin with, but it's also the little moments in performance and production that help make it so good: the way the music drops out during the second chorus, the guitar solo that sounds like it's struggling for air, Grande's yelp of "no!" towards the end. These are all magnificent sounds deployed smartly. Grande's untouchable but somehow performs with empathy and believability. If being a great pop star is writing or grabbing the best material and crushing the heck out of it, Grande's got few equals at the moment. [9]

Alfred Soto: Form, say hello to content. The high, striated vocal suggests anxiety even if her lyrics were less explicit. Terrific marriage of Swedish pop and stadium electronica tropes -- check out that treated guitar solo. [7]

Katie Gill: After the absolute banger status of "No Tears Left To Cry" and the sultry power anthem of "God Is A Woman," it might surprise people that "Breathin" is...fairly conventional. It's pretty much a middle of the album song, a dance pop song that seems tailor made to hang out on the Hot 100 for fifteen or so weeks just because that's what halfway decent dance pop songs do these days. Still, it's a fairly conventional banger about dealing with anxiety attacks, which is a sentence that I never thought I'd write, so I've got to give the song minor props on that alone. [6]

Taylor Alatorre: To each their own, but being told to "just" keep breathing, over and over, doesn't make me feel particularly relaxed. I'm supportive of the notion that songs addressing mental health struggles don't have to be morbid and melancholy, but with lyrics like "all I need is to see your face," "Breathin" can't seem to decide if it wants to be an intro to CBT or an ode to the stabilizing force of a romantic partner. That the chorus defaults to the kind of all-consuming synthwave that defined previous stand-outs "Love Me Harder" and "Into You" points more toward the latter, which is where Ariana is more comfortable. Of special note is the bridge, featuring some submerged guitar wailing and nonsense murmurings that approximate what the agitated mind actually sounds like. [6]

Vikram Joseph: "Breathin" might well be the first pop song about an anxiety attack since Shura's "Nothing's Real," but the comparison doesn't greatly flatter Ariana Grande. Shura's song is an unusual, impressionistic depiction of a panic attack that landed her in the emergency department, instilled with a real sense of drama by its swooping, muscular art-disco throb. "Breathin," meanwhile, is a fizzy bop which sounds like a concerted effort to provide Sweetener with at least one straightforward, radio-ready single; it's perfectly enjoyable on its own terms, but sounds much too generic and assured to be an effective vehicle for what Grande really wants to talk about. [6]

Pedro João Santos: Sweetener isn't titled that for nothing: its cohesion draws from a holistic mood and its hedonistic, lush R&B settings, as bespoke mobiles for Ariana's personal restoration and gratification. But it was promoted through "No Tears Left to Cry" and "God Is a Woman," obvious outliers in a quirkier, more vaporous sequence -- although never sore thumbs. Their synth-inebriated declarations, and more rigid structures, carve out a different corner in that ambience, like a menacing nocturnal world, a dark alley in the city leading right up to the psyche. "Breathin" is an emphatic part of that -- the final piece in a tryptic of songs that are intrepid, urgent and combative in unique ways. While its predecessors block out sadness and sexism, this one exerts those forces more literally, drawing vivid outlines of anxiety and the need to attack it. It's a triumph in how honest it is and how it transfers its energy to the music: its pulse and velocity increasing as concerns become overwhelming, the frenzy teased in the bridge and unleashed at the end. These are new angles from which Ariana can shape a sound she's explored most similarly in "Love Me Harder" (though the tension there is purely sexual and less consistent), even if it's the least musically distinct of the trifecta of singles (not to mention the album). Unfortunately,vin a song as well-rounded as "Breathin," repeating the title consecutively doesn't quite cut it, even if you can't fight it lodging into your head. Considering the cerebral lyrics, that might be quid pro quo. [7]

Stephen Eisermann: This track is without question the strongest song on the album and so fitting with everything Ariana's been going through. She's handled everything thrown her way with such poise and to have her spill her heart out and bravely tell us how anxious she's been -- to a banger of a beat, no less! -- is so refreshing. There's vocals, slick production, an awesome vibe -- it all works and it works so, so well. [9]

Anna Suiter: It feels right that the singles for Sweetener have led to here, a song about coping with anxiety in the only way you know how to. There's honesty here, both in the need to keep going and the reluctance to maybe do what you're being told to do. The song itself knows how to breathe, how to reassure, how to release tension where it might be too overwhelming otherwise. It manages to do all of that without feeling like a meditation, too. [8]

Matias Taylor: "Breathin" is breathless at barely three minutes long yet perfectly paced and formulated, with the pre-chorus becoming louder and more frantic as she feels her "blood running," then the metaphorical and musical anxiety breaks in the release of the chorus. It's the kind of perfect marriage of sound and subject matter whose simplicity belies the underlying pop wizardry. Once Ariana loses herself in the bridge -- "my my air, my my air," words are barely necessary to describe such a feeling, and it starts to sound like a future signature song, one destined to be forever sung at karaoke bars, blasted on the car speakers, or jammed to alone in a bedroom on headphones as it provides a momentary reprieve from all the things that make it feel like the sky is falling. There's a pop song subject matter in even the simplest, everyday sensation that, amplified by a melody sent from heaven and soaring production that rises meet it, turns into universal, transcendent truth. [9]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

#Ariana Grande #pop #music #music review #writing

[randomnotesofmyown]

Psycho-Pass (7-8)

Episode 7 - Symbolism of Bletilla Striata

Ouryou visited her bedridden father. She thought to herself, "Everyone here is the same. They don't notice anything. They don't say anything. And they don't think anything. They are merely a shell of their former selves and soon they will disappear like the melting snow. This epidemic leads innocent people to their death. And yet its pathogen will never be eradicated. This is a disease called serenity, a form of death that people have wished for."

Ginoza, Kogami and Tsunemori at the park where the "artwork" was found. Ginoza decided to take Kogami off the case because he couldn't allow a detective who was not able to put aside his preconceived notions to be a part of the initial investigation. Kogami walked away. Ginoza then ordered Tsunemori to keep an eye on Kogami so he wouldn't do anything stupid.

Ginoza and the others discussed the similarities between the artwork case and the specimens case while Tsunemori watched Kogami doing his combat training.

After the training session was over, Kogami and Tsunemori started talking about the specimen case, enforcer Sasayama and the circumstances of his death. Kogami said the it looked like the culprit intended to send a message

Tsunemori asked if any leads from the specimen case could be of use to the new case, Kogami said yes and showed Tsunemori a pixelated photo of a man named Makishima.

At Oso academy, more students had gone missing. 

"Ouryou Rikako. Okubo was really crazy about her, right? Rikako seemed to show some interest in her as well. If you ask her, she might know something."

Ouryou in her bedroom reciting a quotation from Kierkegaard that her father liked, "'Because man is superior to animals, in other words, because man is the self, and the spirit, man can be in despair.'" Then, she went to give her own reflection. "Unless you know despair, you cannot know hope. My father used dismembered bodies as the subject of many of his drawings. That's because they symbolize the contradictory nature of the self. I had great respect for my father. He was aware of his obligation as an artist and continued to focus intently on using his creations to enlighten people. I think even now that he was indeed a great artist. Especially because of that, I really can't forgive him for abandoning that duty halfway through. Yesterday, my father passed away. He's been as good as dead for a while, but finally even his heart gave in. But I'm okay. I'm not sad. I' his daughter, will carry out my father's duty together with you guys. Don't you think that's wonderful? It's exciting...right, Yoshika?"

Makishima in his house having a conversation with his guest. They talked about the benefits of stress before psycho-pass check was introduced. "For some time, it's been understood that moderate stress has beneficial effects. For example, it stimulates the immune system. As they say, it's a motivation in your life. You can even call it a reason for living. However, once Psycho-pass checks became routine, people have found their sense of stress numbed so much that patients who can't even recognize stimulation itself started appearing. Once that happens, they're the same as living corpses. Soon their autonomic nervous system stops functioning on its own and their vital functions shut down."

Makishima continued to point out Ouryou Rikako's father also suffered from eustress deficiency and discussed his works.  "He was a genius in drawing cruel, vivid nightmares using girls' bodies as motifs. However, he himself was a man of quite strict morality. Well, it's not uncommon for there to be a disconnect between the creator and the impression their creations give. But in Rouichi's case, there was a firm ideology there. According to him, by becoming firmly aware of the cruelty that's hiding in the dark depths of the human heart, humans can foster the common sense, ability to reason, and goodwill that can control that cruelty. He defined his creation activities as enlightening people about that. However, the spread of psycho-pass assessments ended this role that he had decided for himself. People don't have to control themselves anymore. Instead, they can now maintain their mental health through machine assessments. I heard...that Rouichi welcomed this technology. Whatever the means was, his ideals of humans having a healthy and sound mind has been realized. As a result, though, his mission had ended and his life lost its meaning."

He became addicted to the stress care technology. "As a result, he became a living corpse who couldn't even sit up on the bed, huh?" Makishima's guest pondered.

"It's as if Ouryou Rouichi was killed twice. First, his talent was killed by science and technology. And then, his soul was killed by society." 

"I hope she finds some meaning beyond revenge, though."

While Makishima and his guest made this long conversation about Ouryou Rouichi and Ouryou Rikako, the music played in the background was identified as Beethoven's 9th symphony - Ode to Joy. And there is this entry at Wikipedia describing this music as a protest anthem through the years.

Ouryou Rikako called Choe Gu-Sung. Then she packed and went to what appeared to be a lab and entered. She started creating her third artwork with Yoshika's body.

The second artwork was found in a park.

Ouryou Rikako was painting as Kawarazaki Kagami asked her about Okubo Yoshika. Kawarazaki walked over to Ouryou and saw her painting

Ouryou stood up saying

And she injected something to Kawarazaki

The girl instantly collapsed to the floor.

When Kawarazaki came to, she found herself tied up and gagged, lying on the floor facing the naked body of Okubo Yoshika in a glass container filled with chemicals.

Ouryou appeared behind her. "A touching reunion with your childhood friend. It's an emotionally stirring scene, isn't it? It really makes me cry. I want to reenact this moving scene in a place more and more people can see it. Having such thoughts may indeed be the fate of an artist. "

A desperate gagged scream.

End of episode 7.

Episode 8 - And then, silence

Makishima and Ouryou Rikako talked about the targets she chose, the education policy at Oso Academy and where Ouryou would display her artwork next.

The agents were gathering evidence at Oso academy.

Tsunemori and Kogami discussed their take on the spiecemen case and the artwork case. Tsunemori thought the culprit would be the same person but Kogami thought otherwise. Kogami explained that in the spiecemen case, the victims's bodies were dismembered in ways to convey messages, and the locations they were found varied. But this time, both bodies were found in a park. The setup is boring. 

Kogami concluded that they lacked something critical: originality.

"To Toma Kouzaburo, murdering people was just about preparing materials. Up to that point, it's the same in the current murder case. But from that point, the ways they worked on the bodies are totally different. I get a totally different picture of the culprit. He's highly intelligent and is assigned to a job with a high income by Sibyl's judgment. But he's quite young, or he's someone whose mental age is young. Considering the bodies didn't show many indignities of a sexual nature, we can guess that he wasn't abused as a child." Kogami ended his profiling of the culprit and then requested to go out, Tsunemori said she would have to come along.

Kogami and Tsunemori headed to Tokorozawa Correction and Rehabilitation Center (所沢矯正保謢センタ－) to talk to an artist inmate. He showed the inmate photos of recent artworks. The inmate commented that they looked like works done by Ouryou Rouichi. The two agents had no clue who Ouryou Rouichi was. The inmate showed them one of the artwork by Ouryou Rouichi that he had in his collection.

And added that they sold for good money because they contained firm fundamental themes.

Kogami thanked the inmate for his help and turned to Tsunemori, asking if the name Ouryou brought up anything. Tsunemori found that a student at Oso academy had the same family name. 

Kogami headed straight to the Oso Academy, located Ouryou and pointed a dominator at her.

The teacher who tagged along Kogami tried to stop him from firing and Ouryou seized the opportunity to run. She escaped.

The agents inspected Ouryou's drawings. Kagami's friend saw it and identified her friend.

The agents gathered at the control room, checking footages to locate Ouryou Rikako. Ginoza asked how Kogami found out about this suspect. "The culprit this time decided where to exhibit bodies based solely on whether or not it catches people's attention."

The retrieval of footage with Ouryou Rikako done, and Kogami spotted one image of the girl that was on her own, unaccompanied by others.

After hearing the reply that the camera was at the garbage disposal facility behind the dorm, Kogami headed to that location immediately. The other agents followed him.

It was completely dark inside. Then someone switched the lights on and they saw another artwork.

In the teacher's room, Makishima replayed the recording of Kogami's deduction and was impressed. Makishima's colleague approached, addressed him as Mr. Shibata, and asked if he was interested in music as well. Another colleague rushed in and told everyone in the room that students' bodies were found. Everyone ran out of the room, leaving Makishima alone. He tempered with the CCTV recordings.

Kogami realized it. Yet he managed to reconstruct the audio part of the damaged footage.

Ouryou was still on the run. She asked Choe Gu-sung if the route she was on was the right one. No reply. She looked back, and found no one. Then she got a call from Makishima. "Just in case, I'd like to ask you a question before this is all over. Ouryou Rikako, do you yourself realize how you came to disappoint me? " Ouryou had no clue. "Well...if you don't realize it, then I guess you can't even reflect on it. As I suspected, it seems that I can't expect any more growth from you. It's unfortunate. At first, I thought you had a bright future. " Ouryou asked what Makishima meant by that. "I think this is a line by Tamora, the Queen of Goths. 'So should I rob my sweet sons of their fee. No, let them satisfy their lust on thee.'" Ouryou's mobile phone network died.

"'The hunt is up, the morn is bright and grey. The fields are fragrant and the woods are green. Uncouple here and let us make a bay.'" Makishima continued quoting the Queen of Goths. 

"'They told me, here, at dead time of the night, a thousand fiends, a thousand hissing snakes, ten thousand swelling toads, as many urchins, would make sure fearful and confused cries.'"

Ouryou hid in the dark, relieved at the sight that the thing (electric hound) walked past without noticing her. She stepped right into a trap.  

"'Listen, fair madam: let it be your glory to see her tears; but be your heart to them as unrelenting flint to drops of rain.'"

Rikako tapped open her father's photo on her phone. An electric hound found her.

"'So, now go tell, and if thy tongue can speak, who 'twas that cut thy tongue and ravish'd thee. Write down thy mind, bewray thy meaning so. And if thy stumps will let thee play the scribe.'"

As Ouryou was being pursued and injured by the hound, Makishima's guest hummed the tune of Ode to Joy.

Makishima's guest appeared in front of Ouryou Rikako

The man said coldly that "you don't have to worry about that." Then he fired.

After Rikako died, Makishima made a request that information about Kogami be gathered, adding that Kogami's insight and ability to grasp were quite interesting.

End of episode 8.

Comment: Episode seven: It seems Makishima's view was that the technology had become all-encompassing in every aspect of human life that humans no longer have to make decisions on their own, that since everything had been taken care of, humans got reduced to living things only. And he wanted to rebel against that system, he wanted to see how humans cope without that system, maybe that's why Ode to Joy was used as the background music when Makishima made that long speech about Ouryou Rouichi's art and how he lost his life's meaning to science and technology.

Episode eight: Makishima spent a great part of episode eight quoting Tamora, a villain from Shakespeare's Titus Androinicus. I googled and found that this villain was very consumed with the thought to revenge against Titus Abdroinicus, the general who captured her. And she made elaborate plans to carry out her revenge on everyone mattered to Titus. So it seems a major theme on Makishima's mind was revenge. And as with Mido, when Makishima got bored with Rikako, he discarded her without mercy. And he's guest, a hunter with two electric hounds, hunted Rikako down, injured her, and then killed her with a shot to the head. Merciless, manipulative, vengeful, with utter disregard of life, such are the components of Makishima's personality.

#psycho pass

[yoursummerfrost]

do you have an opinion on the order of the 2009 draft and overdose? i feel like it used to be more common to write it as if kent was drafted 1st and THEN jack overdosed, with the implication that he overdosed BECAUSE kent went 1st. and then i think people realized that that would mean that there was a team out there that jack was supposed to go to but he went to rehab instead and how weird that would be since it's never mentioned. so the standard became jack ODing before the draft

-and withdrawing to go to rehab. but i was just doing a year 2 reread, and in hazapalooza dex tells jack that he should have gone 1st and not kent parson, which implies that jack going 1st was still an option? like he didn't withdraw before that could happen. personally i have no idea which makes more sense because i don't really know much about rl hockey and how the draft works.

BUT each way offers a different perspective on kent's backstory. i mean, which is worse? having your bf almost kill himself because you got picked before him instead of being happy for you? or being picked by a team (while your ex cuts you off and goes to rehab) and always wondering if you were even supposed to be picked by them or if jack was actually the first choice (and having all of sports media speculate the same)?

Jesus this got giant. Meta under the cut!

Contains: suicide attempt mentions, discussions of warped/complicated reactions to someone else’s suicide attempt, general complicated mental health and struggles because of it

Aaaaahhhhh I’ve been sitting on this a little but oh man. Honestly? I think the information has been a little vague which is probably purposeful. Most of the evidence seems to point to Jack never making it to the draft. Examples: in Parse II, we see Jack reading a newspaper that says “Top Prospect Leaves Draft,” and in  LVA @ PVD - Part 1 Jack says “[Kent] got drafted. I didn’t.” Both of those comments seem to imply Jack was never available as a draft pick on draft day.

However, Dex’s comment is interesting, because Dex is implying Jack did get drafted, just not first. Similarly, in Kiss the Ice someone asks, “Dude, can we please know what happened at the draft?” which again implies Jack was participating at the draft (or at least in the building as opposed to, you know, rehab). 

The issue is that either set of information could be flawed because people just...speak colloquially. “Top Prospect Leaves Draft” could potentially mean that Jack rejected whatever contract offer he received from the team who drafted him. The same can be said for Jack’s comment, but I feel like that one’s a little more clear cut--Jack is saying no one drafted him (which essentially means he wasn’t there, because there’s no way there wasn’t a single team who’d want him, even if some sort of drug issue leaked to the press). And then, you can just chalk the outsiders’ comments up to ignorance (and also alcohol. no one speaks that precisely when they’re drunk). 

So...all of that is to say that I don’t have a definitive opinion, and unless I am severely misunderstanding hockey I don’t think anyone besides N can say for sure! I tend to lean towards Jack withdrawing before the draft, though, because I do think the press and his own words are probably more likely to be precise. 

There are so many fun implications depending on what you choose, though. I’ve dabbled in both options (in Things You Can Change, Jack actually ODs at the draft, right after it’s been announced Kent went first; in other drabbles I’ve written, Jack ODs the night before or something similar). Most of the time I’ve just left it vague because it’s outside of the scope of the fic. The most important thing, though? I’m convinced Kent is the one who found Jack. That’s another post though.

Now that I’m chewing on this, I think Kent’s behavior may make more sense if Jack OD’d before the draft. At the very least I think it adds another layer to the narrative for us to consider. Think about what we know about the pimms relationship and the consequences of each outcome. It’s also worth noting that I headcanon the overdose as a suicide attempt, and whether or not you agree with that can drastically affect these theories/characterizations. 

1. Jack’s overdose happens after the draftWhat does this tell Kent about himself and about Jack? It probably leads him to believe that Jack doesn’t love/care about him enough (this is flawed logic, obviously, but an easy way to feel in the wake of a suicide attempt). This isn’t an uncommon way to feel no matter what, but I think it’s especially true in the situation where Kent can think: what, you couldn’t be happy for me? all it ever was to you was a competition?

Kent gets the pride of knowing that he deserved to go first, but--Jack was pretty fucked up for a while, right? He had to be if he was taking all those pills and tried to kill himself. And if Jack was fucked up he wasn’t playing his best, and if he had been playing his best, the Aces probably would’ve wanted him more. So you see how he can kind of talk himself out of the self-esteem thing anyway, and I have a feeling it just cycles no matter what.

I can see this leading to a lot more resentment of the Aces as an organization, though. If they had just taken Jack like they were supposed to, maybe none of this would have happened. I picture a petulant 19 yo Kent Parson showing up in Vegas and alternating rapidly between crippling self-blame and prickling rage at the Establishment. 

2. Jack's overdose happens before the draftI think with this outcome it’s easier for Kent to romanticize Jack and their relationship. You can still get a lot of “you didn’t care about me enough to stick around,” but, in this case it feels like the response to an unknown, terrifying future that they were both equally scared of. It can feel like Romeo and Juliet--I can’t handle being torn away from you and here’s my response. That makes it even more crushing and confusing when Jack subsequently ghosts Kent anyway.

Kent will always wonder if he really would have gone first, and we see that inadequacy projected onto Jack at Epikegster (as per meta by @des-zimbits). But like I mentioned above, I don’t think that’s a unique phenomenon to this timeline. I’d expect Kent’s self-esteem and pride to be pretty volatile either way. But it does affect his relationship with the Aces management, because now instead of a vague “If things had been different they wouldn’t have wanted me” it’s “oh God they never wanted me I’m just Jack’s replacement.”

Which brings us to the Purgatory Narrative, a concept I’ve talked a lot about with @abominableobriens (hit her up if you want to hear more). The idea that Vegas is comparable to a cross to bear, a sort of rite of passage to suffer through to get what you said you wanted. It’s a hell climate, the antithesis of hockey town and filled with gilded, shallow temptation. And Kent went in Jack’s place.

Lis has already written some excellent meta about Kent being Jack’s foil that I won’t repeat here because Lis already said it and said it better than I would have. But when you connect the concept of Vegas as purgatory, the literary theme of Jack/Kent foil, and the possibilities of the overdose--I think option two is more interesting. It adds layers to this conflict in a way option one does not. 

Because Jack ducked out of the game before it started. He relinquished the NHL bargain and went off on his own and left Kent to take up the mantle alone. To the outside world, there’s an easy “winner” here--Kent got the top draft slot, the NHL, Stanley Cup(s), the Calder, everything he’s supposed to want. But with our knowledge of the universe--who ended up in the better place? Who’s making the sacrifice on the cosmic scale for the other to succeed? 

I don’t think those questions carry the same weight in a timeline where Jack went second in the draft and overdosed after. So basically for ~fancy thematic reasons~ you’ll pretty much always see me writing Jack’s overdose before the draft these days, unless it ends up jossed. 

#kent parson #parse #pimms #draft day theory #suicide ment #overdose tw #writing meta #thanks for the awesome question!! #Anonymous

[cover2covermom]

*Books included in this batch of mini book reviews: The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin, Call Down the Hawk (Dreamer Trilogy #1) by Maggie Stiefvater, Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston, & Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams

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» The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin

» The City We Became is an urban fantasy that felt like an ode to New York City.  While I’ve never had the pleasure of visiting NYC, Jemisin paints a vivid picture of this beloved city that made it very easy to imagine I was there.  Jemisin’s passion for New York really shines through in this story.

» The City We Became is such a unique concept: the idea that each borough of NYC comes to life in human form to join forces to dispel evil forces.  This is why Jemisin is one of my favorite fantasy authors, she’s one of the most imaginative authors out there.

» I appreciate how Jemisin takes contemporary issues – racism, sexism, gentrification, etc – and illuminates them in a fantastical setting.  Despite the social issues being a bit heavy handed here, I thought HOW she wove them into the narrative was compelling.

» The way Jemisin writes and how she constructs her stories is unlike anything I’ve read before.  In my opinion, she is one of the most unique and clever authors out there today.» This story did not grip me in the same way Jemisin’s Broken Earth series did.  The pacing felt off in The City We Became.  I felt like I was trudging through this story, which didn’t make me want to pick it back up after putting it down.

» The large cast of characters did not work well here.  All the different perspectives and individual subplots made the overall story feel jumbled.  Instead of enhancing the main plot, the subplots took away from it.  Also, I never fully connected to any of the characters, which impacted my investment in their plight.

› Recommended to ⇒ NYC fans; Urban fantasy fans

› Trigger/content warnings ⇒ racism; gentrification; sexism; xenophobia

» Call Down the Hawk (Dreamer Trilogy #1) by Maggie Stiefvater

» Could you read this book without reading The Raven Cycle?  Possibly… but I would not suggest it.  I think you will appreciate this story more within the context of the original trilogy.

» Ronan is one of my favorite fictional characters EVER.  I love that he’s a bit rough around the edges, but really a cupcake deep down inside.  Ronan’s witty, and sometimes brash, dialogue never fails to put a smile on my face.

» Stiefvater’s characters are everything.  She has such a unique way of writing such dynamic and interesting characters.  I LOVED all the new characters we met in this first installment of this spinoff series.  If I had to pick a favorite, I’d probably go with Jordan being a new favorite.  I also loved seeing more of Ronan’s brothers, Declan & Matthew.

» Call Down the Hawk had just the right amount of romance to enhance the story without becoming the focus.  I enjoyed seeing Ronan & Adam’s budding relationship that we didn’t get much of in The Raven Cycle.  We really see a more vulnerable side to Ronan in this story as he has insecurities about not being good enough for Adam.

» Stiefvater’s writing is deliciously atmospheric, which paired with her whimsical plots, makes for a mesmerizing reading experience. 

» I listened to the audiobook (like I did with The Raven Cycle) because Will Patton’s voice suits Stiefvater’s writing perfectly.  I will always listen to Stiefvater’s books via audiobook because her writing just translates so well to audiobook, especially with proper narration.

› Recommended to ⇒ fans of The Raven Cycle; those that enjoy atmospheric writing 

› If you liked this book, try ⇒ For atmospheric writing, try Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor

» Red, White, & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

» This was a steamy, and highly entertaining, M/M romance.  For some reason, this was YA in my mind, but it is definitely NOT.  I’d classify this as new adult.  Our main characters are in their early 20s, and the steamy scenes are very steamy.

» One of the best aspects of this story was the delightful cast of characters.  The secondary characters were just as lovable as our main character.  I appreciated the inclusion of positive relationships outside of the romance.  Red, White, and Royal Blue features some wonderful friendships & familial relationships.

» Speaking of characters, Alex was my favorite character of course.  I loved his ambition, wit, and sass.  I really enjoyed watching his journey from the start of this book to the end.

» I love a slow-burn romance, and this was exactly that.  The enemies to lovers trope worked well here.

» I’m going to call it now, there will be sequels or spin offs of this book following the other characters.» This was WAY too long for a fluffy contemporary story.  This probably could have been a good 100 pages shorter and been just as good.

» I think telling this story as a dual perspective, with both Alex and Henry perspectives, would have enhanced this story.

› Recommended to ⇒ those looking for a M/M romance

› Trigger/content warnings ⇒ homophobia; racism; drug addiction; sexual assault

› If you liked this book, try ⇒ For cheeky characters, try The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee or My Lady Jane by Cynthia Hand, Brodi Ashton, & Jodi Meadows

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» Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams

» Queenie is one of the most honest & realistic portrayals of a character in the throes of depression that I’ve read to date.  It was harrowing to watch the slow self destruction of our main character, Queenie.  I also think this book brings to light the fact that not everyone experiences depression in the same way.

» I love a good redemption arc.  I was really rooting Queenie as she fought to climb back from her lowest of lows to get herself back on track.  I also appreciated that her road to recovery was long & challenging instead of a unrealistic quick fix that we sometimes see in books with mental illness.

» I loved the dry humor sprinkled throughout the narrative.  I found myself laughing out loud on more than one occasion.  It definitely helped to break up the heaviness of the story.

» I appreciated that Queenie had a wonderful support system in her friends and family.  While her grandparents were not totally supportive of Queenie seeking help at first, they eventually come around after seeing Queenie’s mental health improve.  I also LOVED her group of gal pals.» It took me a LONG time to become invested in this story.  Queenie wasn’t exactly a likable character for the first 50% of the story, which made it hard to connect to her.  Once I understood what the author was trying to do here, around the 50% mark, I started the enjoy the novel.  The payoff is worth it if you can push through the first half of the book.

› Recommended to ⇒ redemption arc fans

› Trigger/content warnings ⇒ domestic violence; mental illness; racism

› If you liked this book, try ⇒ Normal People by Sally Rooney

Have you read any of these books?  If so, what did you think?

Comment below & let me know 🙂

        Mini Book Reviews: July 2020 - Part 4 #BookBlogger #BookReview #Bookworm #Bibliophile *Books included in this batch of mini book reviews: The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin, …

#Bibliophile #book blog #book blogger #Book Chat #Book Nerd #Book Review #Book Talk #Book Worm #Bookish #Books #Bookworm #Contemporary #Fantasy #Reading #Review #Romance #YA #Young Adult

[violetsandloveletters]

If someone tells you a really juicy gossip right now, would you pass it on? Well apart from the fact that it’s 2:20am, no. I mean, I tell my best mate everything but like I have no energy for gossip of any sort right now. What’s one song you can’t stop listening to right now? Nothing, I went through a day of loving Billie Eilish Ocean Eyes but all in all I find music a huge trigger for me unless i’m listening with someone else. Do you have index cards in your room right now? No. Do you have an attic? No. What was the last song you sang out loud to? Me & D watched a lot of films this weekend so was either something from Les Mis or Labryinth.

Have you ever lived in the country before? Nah. Do you drink coffee everyday? Never had coffee, I hate the smell. Have you ever had mice in your house? No, never in mine. My mum has though which is so gross & also my best mate had them in her uni house when she was there YEARS ago & she found a dead one in her favourite Doc Martens :(. Have you ever stayed in a suite? Don’t think so. Do you take good pictures? Don’t know really, I do of Hades. Do you remember names or faces better? Probably faces. Do you enjoy working with animals? I worked as a receptionist at a vet last year & I loved it but the job was too emotional. 

Have you ever been in a tornado or hurricane? No, don’t think we get them here?! Do you have any bookmarks in your internet browser? If so, how many? Only Open University atm I think. Have you ever seen any movie version of Romeo and Juliet? Yes, the really old one & then the one with Leonardo DiCaprio is one of my favourite films, he is delicious in it too. In your opinion, which decade has the best hairstyle? Fuck knows haha, this one, love 50′s & 80′s too though (yes I just Googled it) ha.. If you’re in a competition, are you in it to win it or just for the fun? I’m not competitive at all so i’d only compete if I knew I could win. Do you have winter, spring, summer, and fall where you live? Yeah but we call fall autumn. Is the computer you’re using a desktop or laptop? Laptop. Do you know anyone in the military right now? No. What’s your favorite show on Comedy Central? Not sure, don’t often watch it. Though i’ve just gone on my Now Tv app & apparently Ru Paul’s Drag Race is on there so that :). How old is the oldest person you know? What a weird question, no idea. Have you ever had braces? Yeah. Is there a TV show right now that you just can’t miss an episode of? Teen Mom OG & Teen Mum UK are like my only sit down things on at the moment, American Horror Story will be when it comes out too. Tbh I love Youtube so I could name you many a Youtuber I can’t miss a video of. Which love story would you want your life to turn out like? Romeo & Juliet haha, that’s how it feels at the moment anyway... Do you usually go to sleep before or after the people you’re living with? It’s always been after with D but i’m living alone right now so. Are you into ripped jeans? Yeah I prefer them tbh. Do you watch the Discovery Channel? Yeah I love it. Have you ever wanted to live in the Playboy mansion? Only for that cave in the swimming pool they have but nah, I couldn’t think of anything worse than living in a huge house with a fuck tonne of people. Would you ever name your child after someone famous? Unless they happen to have a nature name that I wanna name my future kid, no. Have you ever participated in a car wash for charity? No. Which band has the best name, in your opinion? No idea. Do kids often knock on your door on Halloween? Nah, I live in a flat anyway. But I think in the UK there’s an unwritten rule that unless the house is decorated/has a pumpkin outside, you don’t knock, us British don’t like it as much as the Americans. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? I only have chemistry with my actual bf funny enough. Do you like where your house is located? I loved it at first but now I FUCKING despise it & want to move ASAP. What’s the best hotel you’ve been to? The Intercontinental near the 02 Arena in London or the Newport Bay CLub at Disneyland Paris. Are you into designer clothes? Not really, I prefer higher end/designer jewellery. Have you ever watched the show How I Met Your Mother? Yeah but never really got into it. Do you share the same political views as your parents? No. How often do you eat chocolate? Not really that often, it goes through phases, i’m more of a cake person.

Did you have a good day yesterday? Absolutely not, my mental health couldn’t get worse if I tried unless I actually tried to OD or something. What about today? How has your day been so far? It’s now 2:54am & im too anxious to fall asleep so yeaaa greaaat. Do you think tomorrow will be enjoyable for you? Hell no, iv’ve been dreading tomorrow for months. How many pairs of earphones do you own? 3 maybe? Wireless over ear headphones for bed, random Apple ones that come with the phone & then Skullcandy ones in my bag. What colour are the earphones you use the most? Black.

Who is your favourite person to have a deep conversation with? There’s a few people, but I find it so hard sometimes. Do you remember what you had for lunch yesterday? I didn’t as I was asleep. Who/what has been on your mind the most today? D & his drinking & his mum, money, wether I should move or not, general triggers of depression & anxiety, the fact that stress delayed my period 4 days which means it’s more painful than ever, the general desire to want to die but not trusting anyone with Hades- I reckon I could reel off 100+ points if I wanted lol. Does/did the last person you text messaged go to the same school as you? Yeah. What kind of personality are you attracted to? I literally don’t have a type, I like what I like & that is it. Is there anything worrying you? If so, have you talked to anyone about it? Yeah, i’m worried about D & his drinking, he went back to his mums & he was very sick & had to go to the hospital so I need to talk to her about it but i’m sure because he was here she’ll blame me but she has no idea how hard I tried to sober him up this weekend & what that situation is likek from my point because he’s never let me talk to her about it but it’s now at the point where I have too in order for him to get better. Have you ever liked someone that your friend also liked? Nah. When was the last time you were asked out? Did you accept or decline? D 5 years ago & obviously I said yes lol. Which one of your friends would you say you’re most similar to? My best mate Tash is honestly so similar yet so opposite to me it’s weird. We’ll be in a shop & go round it being like ‘I don’t like this but you will’ but emotionally we are so similar, she is much stronger than me as a person though for sure. What colour are the eyes of the last person you held hands with? Brown. What colour was the last lipstick you put on? Nude color. Have you ever worn lipstick in an unusual colour, like black or blue? I have Anastasia Beverly Hills ‘Midnight’ which is black & ‘Griffin’ which is grey but like way greyer than Mac ‘Stone’ but I wear the Mac one the most. Is it possible to be “just friends” with someone you had feelings for? Idk. Is there someone of the opposite sex that you can talk to about anything? Somewhat. What did your last Facebook status say? How many likes/comments did it get? No idea, I literally never go on it. Are you looking forward to anything? Death. The last time you cried, what was wrong? Everything was wrong & about an hour ago. Should you be doing something else right now? Sleeping. What time is it? 3:14am. What’s today’s date? 13.09.2019 What do you like the most about your own appearance? My boobs. What do you like the most about your own personality? That im selfless af & how caring I am.

[cornishbirdblog]

This is very much my personal pick of Cornwall’s top social media stars. The online influencers that I love and admire. The bloggers, Instagram and Twitter accounts and Facebook pages I just can’t do without!

Just a few years ago I was a real technophobe. Me and my old Nokia phone were quite happy to not be connected, thank you very much! Now four years down the road and sometimes I can’t imagine my life without social media. My blog has become such an important part of my day and every morning I love catching up with the adventures and achievements of my online friends and neighbours.

That’s why I thought it was time to share some the social media stars from Cornwall that I take such pleasure in following with you.

So check out their pages, their Twitter feeds, Instagram accounts and their blogs and enjoy!

The St Ives Mermaid

This lovely lady is one of my absolute favourite people on social media. Her life makes me smile, and it seems that she is basically living every little girl’s dream! Since 2016 Laura has been slipping into the waters in St Ives harbour and becoming a mermaid.

credit: Alastair Scarlett Photography

Laura Evans was born in Cornwall but perhaps a little like myself, came to appreciate its beauty and healing qualities after some time outside the county. When she returned home she took up paddleboarding and sea swimming. And one evening, watching the sunset over the harbour, she had an idea.

“I imagined how magical it would be if a mermaid swam into St Ives on an evening like this, and what a stir it would cause. Then I thought maybe I could be that mermaid.”

The St Ives Mermaid also recently announced her bid to become the first mermaid on Strictly Come Dancing! You can follow The St Ives Mermaid on Twitter and Instagram, where she gives regular updates in the summer as to which beach she will be swimming up on to next.

The Cornish Maid

The dulcet tones of The Cornish Maid never fail to brighten my day! And I am sure brighten the lives of many others too, especially those who, for whatever reason, aren’t able to get out and about in the Cornish countryside.

You see, the maid takes us out on walks and provides a wonderful narration as she goes. She calls it ‘walkies with talkies’. I call it fabulous!

And there are roughly 4000 people on Facebook that seem to agree with me! The maid also has her own YouTube channel were you can find an archive of her videos.

The Cornish Life

The Cornish Life blog is written and produced by Anna who, like myself began her blogging journey in 2015. Born and breed in the county Anna describes herself as a lifestyle blogger and a beach lover and her lovely posts cover everything from places to eat and stay to mental health issues and dog friendly walking.

Credit: Olivia Bossert

I started The Cornish Life in 2015 as a hobby and an ode to Cornwall; a place I enjoy living and am truly passionate about. Over the last few years my blog has grown and now acts as a resource for many people visiting the county . . My audience are mostly made up of Londoners & city dwellers who love escaping to Cornwall for their holidays.

Not only is the site gorgeous to look at but this is the kind of blog that inspires so many people to visit Cornwall and make it their home (and inspires me to do better with my own blog!). And I think it also encourages locals to discover more of what is right on their doorstep, an idea which is behind so much of my own writing. In 2018, Anna made the Cornwall’s 30 Under 30 entrepreneurs to watch list for building such an inspiring brand. **High five** Anna!

Kernow Shots

Lee Stephens, the photographer behind Kernow Shots, is of course based in Cornwall and shares with us the most stunning images on his Instagram account.

It is hardly surprising then that he has more than 48,000 followers. Each image really is dreamy – always showing Cornwall at it’s most gorgeous! They make me want to grab my camera and get out there!

Cornish Curiosities – Bisto the fungus man

Bisto is a man after my own heart. A man in love with Cornwall and it’s people. Someone who sees stories all around him and just has to share. Oh and yes he loves mushrooms too!

Credit: John Hurst

Cornish Curiosities is a relatively new page but I have now doubt that Bisto’s enthusiasm will see it become a huge hit. His photos and videos take us from one side of the county to the other, to every interesting nook and cranny.

Credit: Bisto, Rough Tor

The snippets of information Bisto gives with the images and videos on the page really are an inspiration for me and I look forward to each new post! Where will Bisto be today, that’s the question?! People think I get about but he beats me hands down!

Greg Martin – photojournalist

Many of the most interesting and dramatic images that you see in the Cornish press have been taken by Greg Martin.

Greg is probably best known for the pictures he produces for Cornwall Live, The Cornishman and the West Briton and says that he aims to focus on newsworthy images and illustrating the beauty of Cornwall.

Greg’s image of Tim Pender with his ferrets – Grace, Joy and Jason

Following Greg on social media means that you sometimes get to see those arresting images before they make it into the papers. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter and of course more often than not on the front pages too.

Sarah Jane Humphrey

Sarah is a botanical illustrator and author who has recently opened her own beautifully chic shop, Botanical Ateleir, in Falmouth.

Her Instagram account is a joy to follow, showcasing much of her stunning work.

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The detail really is just breath-taking and always stops me in my tracks!

Sarah also runs illustration classes for beginners from her shop and has written a book about the art of botanical illustration so if you really feel inspired you can have a go yourself.

Aaron Jenkin – photographer

It is easy to understand why Aaron Jenkin’s nickname is ‘Mr Nightsky’. He captures awe inspiring images and then generously shares them with us all.

Born in the county his Instagram is pure indulgence, just an excuse to wallow in the beauty of Cornwall really. I love it! Deservedly Aaron has also recently been featured in a video made by the BBC about how to photograph the night sky – you can see it HERE.

Aaron also shares his photographic techniques and creative process in a number of summer night photography workshops helping others to capture the night sky.

Cornish news – Steve Heller

Cornish News is Cornwall’s alternative news outlet. Irreverent, hilarious and above all 100% Cornish through and through.

With nearly 60,000 followers on Facebook, the page was created in 2014 by Steve Heller.

Heller found fame with his musical parodies and comical songs about life in Camborne and Redruth. Since then he has developed a huge following and is fast becoming a household name in Cornwall.

Oh and he even has a pasty named after him!

A few more of my favourites:

Narrowing this list down to just a few names was pretty tough! There are so many others that I could have added. So please don’t be offended if you’re not included here!

Here’s just a few more of my ‘ones-to-watch’:

Tim Knight – Secret Landscapes Discovering so many beautiful places with Tim’s lovely images, especially those on Bodmin Moor! I look forward to each new post from him.

A Day in the Life of a  A day in the life of someone in Cornwall told through the stunning images taken by photographer Rick Davy. You can find more information about this wonderful project HERE

Aerial Cornwall Wonderful images of Cornwall from above. Say no more.

Kernow Bys Vyken! Read a fascinating tweet every day about an historical event or interesting person from Cornwall’s past.

One more for fun:

This one isn’t actually about Cornwall but, bear with me, anyone who knows me knows that I am slightly obsessed with our ancient history and big rocks. So for anyone else out there with the same ‘problem’ this Twitter account is for you!

French Postcards of Megaliths

Cornwall’s Social Media Stars – who to follow . . . This is very much my personal pick of Cornwall's top social media stars. The online influencers that I love and admire.