#and what i'll be able to afford

[deadtower]

me after spending the past 12 hours or so in a blinding panic of anxiety like. hm. things are really gonna be okay, huh

#like. i have a job. my first shift is tomorrow (it's a stage shift but like i have the job it's already concrete) #(and i've staged there before so like i know how the place works) #yeah i don't have rent but my brother might be able to help me out #he's more willing to help me out than he is a lot of people #and he knows i'm really fucked financially this moth #*month #even if he can't — my landlord isn't allowed to start the eviction process til the 15th #she told me to tell her if i ever had an emergency and we can work smth out #(bc last year i was in the psych ward and she said that she understands and she's here for me) #not to mention my first paycheck will definitely be before then #i also have an interview tonight at 6 for what /looks/ like a manager position #the guy asked for my portfolio re: photography/graphic design/etc #so i may be getting like. a Social Media Manager type of job which would be SALARIED #even if not. this place pays their HOSTS what i was getting as an EVENT COORDINATOR #yeah finances still suck but they won't for long #this week is gonna let me know just how things are gonna go from here #and what i'll be able to afford #i just have to calm down and be like ok. this happened. what's my next steps #at the VERY worst my situation would be that i would have to move back in with my mom #which is not great but like i won't be homeless #just gotta take a deep breath and take one day at a time #i mean i keep reminding myself my best friend's roommate was 7 MONTHS LATE on rent #bc he kept buying... eurghghg [redacted] #and while im sure my landlord wouldnt let me go 7 MONTHS #the fact im this stressed about being on time with rent AND IT AINT EVEN JUNE 1 YET #like girl chill #ok. (does a bunch of deep breaths in succession) it's gonna be ok

[mannimarcos]

ex-assassin REACTS

#dishonored #corvo attano #hi. im IMPOVERISHED and ILL and trying to deal w that. if youd like an update on yr commission please hmu and i'll do what i can! #otherwise im working slowly thru everything including sideblog mini-commissions ive been doing to be able to afford food and meds #btw i reject dh2 corvo. thats not real. whos that. thats Video Game Dad 3

[arctic-hands]

For real tho health freaks who scream about how sugar and salt will kill us all and try to push for restrictions on things like candy and chips for SNAP recipients or politicians who try from time to time to replace food stamps all together and give out Government Approved Staples like bread and peanut butter and Government Cheese are gonna kill a whole lotta sick and disabled people like

Diabetics

POTS sufferers

Hypotensives

People with peanut allergies

People with celiac disease or wheat allergies

The lactose intolerant

People who can't eat solid food

People who are undernourished for any reason and need all the calories they can pack on

So-called "picky eaters" who can't tolerate certain tastes and textures without getting violently ill

A myriad of other human conditions that cannot be neatly tallied into categories because the human body and human experience is vast and infinitely variable

But I don't think ableds really care about us and our health like they like to claim so they can harass us about it, do you?

#tag yourself I'm five out of ten #health food is gonna kill me one day i swear to God #vasovagal syncope/POTS was actually a fun disease to have since the treatment is honestly junk food #to get my sugar and sodium levels up quickly so i don't pass out #but then the United States government in their infinite compassion slashed my food stamps in half #and now i can't afford 'luxeries' like enough chips and candy i need to not faint and concuss myself. again #add the celiac and to a lesser extent the lactose intolerancy and now two fruit allergies... #and I'm paying three times the amount for like fifteen food items and that is accounting for the food inflation even ableds are facing #whatever food shortages ableds are going thru right now i swear to you it's much much worse if you're sick/disabled #stop policing what food people buy with the money their given i don't care if it's a paycheck or welfare #SOMETIMES I'll get a pitiful and defensive 'well how was i supposed to know?!' when i confront people bugging me about this #you don't know so shut your trap about it in the first place #most people just ignore the reason and accuse me of making up excuses to eat 'unhealthy' foods tho #health nut #ableism #systemic ableism #food #Salt blessed Salt

[lesbianphan]

in other news I might just be crazy enough to get a tattoo of 'embrace the void and have the courage to exist'. I never thought I'd be brave enough to tattoo a quote, because yk humans fuck up sometimes and it's like will I still like this person later in life?

I really think there's no turning back anymore, though, I think I'm in this ride for life so I might as well add this to the possible future tattoo pile

#granted it will take a while for me to be able to afford a tattoo #BUT #if I ever do I already have two meaningful things I want to get #let's see if I change my mind about this lol #tagging this for the fandometrics #phan #personal #amanda yaps #I think what changed my mind is truly no matter what Dan the person does in his life this sentence will always mean so much to me #it kinda changed my life as per my yapping post #so I'll forever be grateful for his words either way yk

[robotpussy]

feeling like a failure this morning

#all my classmates are like. creating and im stuck at my minimum wage job barely able to pay my rent and bills 👍 #granted they all live off of their parents money and can afford to be freelance and whatever i cant because #if i want to make any decent amount of money i have to be at work. all the time. #increased my hours and im so tired my skin has gotten so bad since they've increased but what can i do? #I'll make smth soon like I'll find the time but im just feeling silly rn

[osoreruna]

i am once again on your dash begging for your patience —

#𝗦𝗠𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 + [ OOC ] #i've been lurking as some of you may have noticed by your notifications getting flooded — #but i realized i never made that update post i said i was going to #so here goes: #work has been killer. as usual. expect me to be more active on the weekends ( sun - mon. ) #and we're still fighting for three day weekends. if that happens i'll be A LOT more active. #as my sun and mon tend to be pretty well occupied with chores and gaming with the boys. another day will give me a lot more time to be here #but anyway that's not the main point of this post — #for the past few years or so i've been dealing with a few health issues #and it's just been getting worse since i didn't have affordable health insurance last year. #( i'll never understand how i was paying $300 a month for health insurance and still had $100 co-pays...smh ) #i do have good insurance this year though !! #and i've been able to pick back up on the endeavor to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me #and in doing so we have deduced that i have a heart condition. an av blockage that worsens when i exercise / lay down / and with stress. #which is probably the cause of my extreme fatigue and general fogginess. and of course the cause of my chest pain and heart palpitations. #i've got another appt with the cardiologist to figure out the course of action from here #but there have been talks of everything from medication to a pacemaker — so we'll see what happens... #and of course if anything as serious as that happens i'll let y'all know in case i just disintegrate into the ether for a while. #but that's not until next month — so until then we here #we vibin' and survivin' — #replies and things just may be mushy for a bit. or...well...even more so than usual. because i won't lie things have been getting worse #and i think it's the stress from work — BUT ANYWAY #i have not forgotten about that inbox call i promise #this shit just sorta popped off and i lost track of time. #i will say this: i will EVENTUALLY get to them. #i may answer drafts & asks in the meantime so it's not completely dead around here ( and i also don't wanna keep y'all waiting on those ) #but i won't be posting anymore memes or inbox / starter calls until that one's taken care of. #inbox is still open — if you'd like to send something to me from the memes i already have on my blog though ! that's never gonna change. #or just random things. #okay — anyway for real:

[capricioussun]

I hate not being able to draw man. I feel like I can't even think straight anymore

#I've noticed a very distinct correlation between overall functionality and being able to use my hand #idk what that means exactly but I'll have to ask a professional abt it when I can afford to see one again #sunny with clouds

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

#panic attacks leave me feeling like shit for the rest of the day and that seems illegal #what do you mean i go through th worst feelings ever for a number of minutes and when it ends i still feel like absolute shit #the embarrassment of being seen as you lose all control of your body and emotions #and then your brain staying foggy and shitty all day #panic attacks should be a one time thing #i hate them! #kdfhgdfg #i was researching phsychiatrist yesterday because every day it's getting harder to deal with my brain hating me #but boy oh boy are they expensive!!! mental health doctors are never covered by my health inssurance and they're one of the most expensive #types of doctors out there and you can't just go once. it's a long term thing #so i very much doubt i'll be able to afford it #specially because my stupid work is not regular so maybe i can afford like 2 sessions and then never again for like 4 months... #i hate this so fucking much #and it's sort of a vicious cycle because i can't pay for therapy because i don't have regular work #and i can't find regular work because my anxiety paralyzes me most of the time... #but it's fine... could be worse #we still can afford food and pay for services so it's fine #i just wish my entire wasn't in other people's hands you know? #the people ruining this country the people who politely say ''thanks but you're not a good fit for our team'' etc etc #angel talks #personal #please ignore this post it's actually fine. i'm fine and not in danger of doing something stupid or whatever #it's all fine i'm just venting cause as i said my brain is foggy and putting things out there helps a bit

[thedreadvampy]

idk I had a very interesting therap today but I just

like it's all very well to recognise that I gotta have a fucking open-ended breakdown and jump face first into the Sadness Bog sometimes instead of sitting on all my feelings

but like

I still have to go to work, you know? it's like. ok yeah have a breakdown which like until you jump into it you don't know if it's going to last an hour or a year. yeah go ahead that's all grand. you do have to get up in the morning and go to work though. you're not allowed to not do that. or to not pay the rent or not shower or not eat.

like all my friends and loved ones are constantly like 'you know you're allowed to be sad right' and it's like. AM I??? because I STILL HAVE TO PAY RENT.

#red said #the thing my therapist keeps pointing out is like. i got on this adulthood thing WAY too early #metaphorically i have Had To Go To Work In The Morning since i was like. 4. bc i am congenitally incapable of #Not Thinking About Consequences. and it's so important to be Good and Tough and Have It Together #but like. maybe if id done more crying and melting down when i DIDN'T Have To Go To Work In The Morning bc i was a Literal Infant #i might be a more balanced adult now that i actually DO. Have To Go To Work In The Morning. #what do people like. do. when they have to have feelings but also meet adult responsibilities? impossible. gotta choose. #i think it doesn't help that i already really struggle to work a full time job. like I'm already late basically every day bc i a night guy #so it's like. there's no give in this. maybe if i was back into a 3-4 day week? but idk if i can afford that #but also the work is only partly work. it's also like. having human relationships. eating. washing. being a person. #but idk. like. until i have some genuinely open-ended time i think I'm gonna always find it impossible to actually let go #i said in therapy it's like. like sadness specifically is like a thick muddy bog. and i can dip a foot in it #but bc i know i need to be able to keep moving #i can only stick a foot in and deal with a bit of it if I'm holding onto something. so in practise i can only cry #right before it becomes inappropriate to cry. so like. end of a therapy session. heading to a train station after seeing someone. #that kind of thing. it's a safety thing. #it would be much more effectively Dealing With to go dive into the bog and plough through it #but I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THAT'LL TAKE and i have to like. come out all muddy and deal with that #and there's always somewhere i gotta be soon. i can't just jump into the mud. not cause I'll get hurt i just Don't Have Time #anyway. feelings. how do they work. embarrassed about having them. embarrassed about suppressing them. generally just embarrassed.

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[katyspersonal]

Cool.. Our rent price got raised. :') I did not know it was even possible to get even MORE poor than me and mom already were, but here we are. Guess I'll start surviving on literal bread and water at this rate.

#/vent #personal #no but when will things stop getting worse? #in moments like this I feel especially bitter thinking about that asshole that went to me like: #'wahh wahh katy i won enough money in the court to buy everything I want but it doesn't matter because I can't buy YOU uwu' #*ten days later* 'actually I don't want a friend/sister anymore can you please stay in your bum spot and simply be my- #-online friend and listen to me ramble about my interests without any regards to yours and show off how cool my life is to you like always? #like no I am not materialistic but when people make dramatic promises of this kind they better stick to them #'nooo but you MUST get out of russia!!!' bitch how? I can hardly afford enough food let alone travelling and living abroad #anyways yeah I am done using the guy that pretended to want a better life for us both and then turned tail as a core for venting #sorry it just makes me angry #not so much living in powerty and not being able to crawl out of debt and my life state no matter what #but more about a very consistent trend of having friends that one day get RICH and dump me as 'lower class' right after that happens #he is not the only one like that in my life he is just the most recent one #really speaks about how unlikeable I am if people lose interest in me as soon as they can buy happy things instead #shows that my worth as a human being is super low and I only work as entertainment when people can't buy something to do that instead #like videogames food travels objects books etc etc... #I am just below those things and less interesting than those things and I'll die early hahaha lol #hopes are that supernatural luck power that doesn't want me to escape easily will send me something to help. because yeah my situation- #-is B A D.

[raamitsu]

one thing i hate about myself is the way that i couldn't help my friends when they need it :(

#I'll be like 'oh no....what shud i do? what shud i say? i don't wanna come off as offensive but i wanna help or encourage them so bad...' #I'm so afraid of saying anything even the simplest word that could comfort them. if the message isn't well delivered then what's the point? #tbh i could only afford to be present and listen to/read everything they say. even if i hug them it won't wash away their pain ☹️ #and it's what make me feel useless and shitty for not being able to do anything and if anything happens to them I'd blame myself #for not stepping up and say something... but even so... I'm so fucking scared #I'm in this deep confusion alone and I'm feeling sorry for myself often times #BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT- YOU GOTTA CHERISH YOURSELF! TAKE IT EASY AND DO WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD TO DO. #NO NEED TO GET EVERYTHING STRAIGHT ON POINT! JUST DO YOUR BEST AND DON'T FORGET TO PRIORITIZE YOUR HEALTH ! #mela just texted

[flickeringflame216]

ladies prayer is appreciated! meeting on Monday to find out if I can transfer into the degree program I want!

#the complicating factors are 1) timing and 2) money (this is the main one. affording school on a part-time cleaning salary is interesting) #so just pray that I can ask good questions and get helpful information and that the right door opens. #and that I can hit the deadlines for financial aid stuff if that turns out to be the option for being able to do classes full-time #I've been part-time this semester but the occupational therapy track is only full-time because you go through with a cohort #I really really want to do it! it's just also a lil stressful not knowing if or how I'll be able to #anyway. trying to trust God that he knows what's up because I just pretend to know #college chronicles

[spaciebabie]

Hey, saw ur CSP post. You know it's an entirely seperate thing, right? Like, if you own a copy of CSP, its going goingnto suddenly be subscription. Hell, you can buybthe 1.x version in yhe future, its just if you want the new features 9f 2.x, you have to pay a bit extra. They have to donsomething to fund the eventual 3.x version in the future, but even when THAT comes out, the 1.x is still useable, just no longer gettjng bug fixes.

People keep freaking about CSP, but its really not as drastic as people think. Its like Tumblr having a shop and having these paid features; they need to make a profit somehownso they can stay afloat. But how many programs do you know would just terminate their non subscription versions, instead of just leaving it and letting people still use it forever?

the problem is that people cant afford ta pay monthly prescriptions for this stuff the reason so many people loved csp was b/c they didn't force you ta hafta pay a subscription in order ta have the art program. you buy it once, you're set! and at a relatively cheaper price than most other drawing software (esp w/their frequent sales)

tumblr doesn't force ya ta buy a fuckin subscription so you can use new tumblr features!!!!!! its literally not the same thing!!!!!! tumblr doesnt look at me n say: "hey spacie in order ta see the new 'for you' section on tumblee dot com, you need ta pay 55 squanderloos" the shop is optional!! its something ta get if ya can afford it!

dude!! can you imagine telling people that in order ta get the new features of a software ya hafta pay even though you paid once in full for the program?? are you kidding?? thats like minecraft charging you for the updates they put out!!! its incredibly dumb!!! if you paid in full for the FULL PROGRAM you deserve ta be able ta use THE FULL PROGRAM, INCLUDING UPDATES!!!!!!

programs going the way of adobe are never a good thing!!!!

people are not upset that csp is suddenly going ta switch em over ta a subscription service, ppl are upset b/c now csp is less accessible

#this is the only time i'll answer an ask like this #spacie splains #feel however you want abt the new csp thing idc #im just upset that people arent going ta be able ta afford it anymore #imagine not putting out bug fixes for a program that you know thousands of people still use. that doesn't make it better. #ohh my god im re reading this and why are there ao many typos what the fuck

[sage-nebula]

I just want to be financially secure and not have to worry about the timing of my bills (especially my mortgage) every month, and yet every time I express this to my father it's "even if you had more money you'd just want more things, it's never enough" like I'm some kind of greed addled monster just because I'm exhausted over stressing about how at least once a month my debit account dips into the low hundreds because my mortgage is one entire paycheck and I just wish my house was either paid off or my mortgage company didn't mysteriously find a DeFiCiEnCy In My EsCrOw every time I got a raise so they could raise my mortgage payment by the same amount. I'm not greedy I'm just acutely aware of how precarious my financial situation is and wish it wasn't that and I'm so upset at being treated like what I want is an extravagant life when the opposite is true. I just want financial security. That's all.

#don't mind me just venting via text bc i can't articulate this in words #this was provoked by me saying that my first priority with lottery winnings would be to pay off a new house and car for myself #nothing extravagant just newer than what i have now (and electric for the car) #and pay off debts and he got so peeved at me being ''clueless'' #bc that's thinking too small? i guess? and when i said i just want financial security #that's when he went on his ''it's never enough'' spiel #god. fuck me for wanting to be able to go out to eat w/o checking my banking app first to see which card i can afford to use #i'm just a selfish fucking greedy monster for wanting a small house that's paid off and an electric car (NOT tesla) also paid off #i'll never be satisfied ig

[queenerdloser]

i'm going to see an apartment i really really like on wednesday (it is SO BIG! right in the neighborhood i like best! outside building is beautiful, on a tree-lined street, hardwood floors, so many windows!!) but i like. am trying to keep myself from getting too attached ahead of time bc it's just like a littleeee too expensive and i really should be realistic and get something about 100-200 dollars cheaper. but i love it soooo much, i want it so bad lmao.

#liveblogging life #it's a two-bedroom but it just squeaked within my budget #but plus utilities parking and pet rent (?) it'll be about 100 dollars over what i want to pay #and even then it's still on the upper range #like i can afford it - i double checked - but it means i'll have to be more careful with spending cash #and i'll only be able to put so much away in savings #idk man i'm kind of waiting until after i see it bc maybe i'll actually hate it in person #but it's going to be a serious debate on if i want to spend that much more on rent for a bigger beautiful apt #or if i'd rather save my cash on a smaller less beautiful apt so that i can buy other stuff and save for a house faster #bc like. i'm probably not going to move again for a while so wherever i go i want to make sure i really like it #and like this apt i have now i do really like but i did have to choose it bc i didnt really have any other options #whereas now i am pretty much an ideal renter so i think i have my pick of the litter so it means i can really afford to be choosy #idk idk this is stressful lmao #i have like eight showings scheduled for next week im hoping one of them seems like the one so i can go ahead and apply #also like if im going to end up spending so much on an apt shouldnt it be for an apt with a ton of amenities? like a washer/dryer #or balcony or community rooms or s/t. arghhhhhhh.