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ahedderick · 7 months

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Medical stuff. I've been trying to get help for 'shoulder pain' for months, now. I saw a massage therapist who (correctly) suggested to me that the pain I was feeling was actually radiating from a different site, and maybe I need to check my collarbone? I went to see a nurse practioner at the office of a DO (Doctor of Osteopathy). She checked by putting her hand on my right collarbone and comparing it to my left . . clearly felt the asymmetry, and asked me to get an Xray. However, when I went back to see her for the next check-up, she told me (a little flustered) that there was nothing they could actually DO in their office to get it back into place. I, having done more than a little research at this point, do not believe that. She suggested physical therapy, but very much in the tone of someone who wants me to Go Away and Be Someone Else's Problem.

"Physical therapy is about strengthening muscles and/or improving flexibility/range of motion - is there anything they can do to fix a dislocated bone?" I was trying to keep my voice level, here. "Um, no," she answered in a small voice. We each had to take a deep breath to cope with the frustration. We settled on a plan of me going to see a local chiropractor. I've known that guy for years and like him a lot; whether he can fix it or not, he'll definitely explain things to me.

Yesterday I went. Again, xrays, but just down the hall in their office this time instead of a whole separate appointment. The xray tech, J, was training a new person, and asked if I was ok with that. Fine. They got the backdrop, the xray, and me all lined up and retreated around the corner of the shield wall. After two or three snaps, the new tech commented "Man! That neck is janked up!"

Which. I mean. I am aware. In all likelihood it got substantially out-of-place in a serious accident when I was four, and then I just grew and developed with that anomalous curvature until adulthood. There was something profoundly dis-spiriting about hearing that, though.

Dr. M., after taking a minute to review them, insisted that I look at the x-rays and pointed out the wrong curvature on two different axes (back-to-front and side-to-side) I nodded but. I was holding tears back.

He did his manipulation, trying to shift things around in there. The collarbone didn’t seem to move at all; my neck cracked. I paid and left and sat in my car crying. I can’t quite say why . . just . . something about the nonchalance. If you can FIX it for me - then do that. If you can’t fix it - maybe don’t rub my nose in how permanently fucked I am. These are nice people and they meant no harm. They deal with Bones everyday, and think nothing of it. But for me - it was just way more upsetting than I would have expected.

#medical #health #chiropractor

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kalamity-jayne · 8 months

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If I may ask, how do I come out to my homophobic family in the future? I have told no one in person that I'm a GNC lesbian, except for my therapist and a handful of friends at school. It's a scary thought and as dumb as this request seems, I just need some reassurance and advice. Thanks, Miss Jayne 💛

Hello dear! Apologies for my extremely slow response! I hope I’m not too late with this advice!

First off, your request is absolutely not dumb! So, my first piece of advice: Be kinder to yourself. We all deserve to be supported in times of need and there should be no shame in seeking it from your community. What you’re about to do is no small thing, even for those with supportive families!

Now, as always, I have to give give the caveat that I don’t have the full context of your situation so there may be flaws in the advice I give but you are of course welcome to follow up with me in the notes and we can have more of a back and forth.

Without further ado, lets get into it.

I am so sorry that your family is homophobic, whether their bigotry is quietly casual or openly hostile, they are hurting you.

You deserve better!

Now, before we can address the question of how to come out to your family it's important to ask yourself whether you should come out to them at all. According to your blog header you're a minor and that unfortunately means your parents or legal guardians (for the time being lets table the issue of siblings) have a good deal over power over you. DO NOT COME OUT TO YOUR FAMILY OR ANYONE ELSE IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMPLETELY SAFE WITH THEM! If you were an adult I'd maybe say proceed with coming out but because you're a minor you shouldn't out yourself unless you are reasonably sure it wouldn't result in violence, getting kicked out of your house, having money for college withheld, or unfair restrictions on your freedom (such as who you're allowed to be friends with), etc etc.

You need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Take your time to consider all of the angles and determine when you'll achieve full independence from your parents. Is it simply a matter of turning 18? When will you be able to move out and live on your own terms? Do you need them to pay for college? At what point will you no longer need them for anything? Independence here is when your parents can no longer materially affect the arc of your life. Once you've figured out where that threshold is, break down the steps and milestones you need to get there. Then you just have to keep your head down, stay out of trouble, focus on school and get good grades, save as much money as you can, and take every step you can to ensure you can to be free of them as soon as possible and never ever take your eyes off that prize.

Try to remember that the time between your current age and when you reach legal adulthood is going to go by fast. It may be hard to believe that now because you're young and very much in it but one day you will wake up with another decade or two under your belt and these teenage years will feel like a short but formative blip. Having said that, how do you maintain your sanity in the meantime? Find the people and places where you can safely be yourself! Got a friend who's gay or an ally and their whole family are proud diehard LGBTQ allies? Think of them as your surrogate family and spend as much time there as you can. Is there a queer safe space the kids at your school like to hang out? Go frequently! Do whatever you have to do to survive so long as it doesn't come at the cost of your own well being long term.

Now, let's say a few years have passed and you are officially free and independent. How to come out.

Coming out to unsupportive family is a minefield. However, especially once you've become an adult, you have a very good sense of where those landmines are which means you can probably predict and anticipate how they'll react which again will mitigate any potential harm to you because you saw the hit coming and were ready for it.

The most important thing is figuring out the shape of your boundaries and asserting them without flinching. Know your triggers and who's really good at getting under your skin, and plan out what you're going to say to assert your boundary ahead of time. For example: Whenever I talk to my parents they inevitably want to discuss the trans news of the day and let's be real, that news is usually very unpleasant and as soon as I'm done talking to them I tend to spin out in emotional distress because their attempts at virtue signaling are a reminder of how they rejected me as a nascently trans teenager. So now whenever my parents try to discuss trans issues I shut them down by saying, "I don't want to talk about that stuff with you cause I see it and live it everyday."

That brings me to the next aspect of being prepared. Set your self up for success. Don't attempt these conversations when you're not in the right headspace for them. Don't have the conversation at a time/place when/where you'll be distracted and remove any distractions that maybe present or come up. Make sure you're comfortable and do whatever you have to do to reduce the pressure of the situation, such as writing out what it is you want to say ahead of time, maybe even practice with friend.

Because your family is homophobic, I strongly recommend coming out to them over the phone (again, only works when you're fully independent). This way you will be safer and more secure in yourself and you can have an ally there with you, which I also strongly recommend doing. Whoever is in your corner, bring them in because their presence will give you confidence, and if you get hurt by your family they are there to hold you immediately and help you process the conversation when it's over. Do not hesitate to reach out to your people out of some misplaced concern that you'd be bothering them True friends will never be bothered or put out by a call for support. Real friends will be happy that you reached out to them for help.

Now comes the bitter pill I'm afraid. Because your family is homophobic and likely to react like a bunch of shit-asses, you have to be prepared to cut some or all of them out of your life completely. If they are unwilling to change and accept you for who you are, then you need to protect yourself from their toxicity. People are fond of saying, "you can't pick your family" and "family is everything," but I call that load of bs. Is your family's love really love if it's conditional on you living a lie? Don't fall for the hallmark channel nonsense about families and parents that our culture is constantly forcing down our throats because love is a two way street and you are under no obligation to maintain relationships with people who reject you and treat you like garbage. This is yet another reason why I would wait until you're an independent adult. Cutting out your family of origin isn't so bad when you've built a chosen family around yourself first.

I hope this advice was helpful and please feel free to follow up in the notes. Also, know that I'm rooting for you. Everyone reading this is rooting for you. Just hang in there a little longer cause freedom is just around the corner.

Sincerely,

❤️Mother Calamity❤️

#Mother Calamity #ask/answer #advice #lgbtqia #coming out

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Hi. Can't think of trigger warnings, maybe for crappy therapy and a bad therapist and some mentions of physical illness. Looking for advice. Nickname purple

I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to get over a fear of/reluctance to seek therapy (and to am extent medical care in general). More and more often I'm starting to think I'll never be able to function normally without some help but I'm so scared to get it. In part I think this came from my mom's own mental illness and how whatever pills she took (no idea what they were or even what they were for besides that there were a lot) left her so out of it all the time and sometimes made her destructive on top of neglectful, and from my dad's distrust of the medical system as a whole, to the point of ignoring his doctors after a heart attack, not seeing care for cancer until it had progressed too far too fix, and generally being reluctant to get me any medical care and being mad at my mom if she took me to the doctor for anything, because it was babying me and would make me think it was okay to be weak and I should be stronger and trust God before 'weird medicine'. Between that and most people in my life growing up basically thinking mental Illness isn't real and anyone who claims to have it is faking maliciously or, especially if they claim to have significant past trauma, flat out delusional (and yes, they applied this to me, even when I was actively suicidal or had visible marks from abuse).

I got sent to a therapist when I was twelve, against my will in a whole court ordered thing, and while I don't remember many specifics of the first session I know I was reluctant to talk and he ended up screaming at me until I shut down. The few additional sessions there were went better, though only because I coasted through and just tried to give the most 'normal' responses to anything he said so I'd be allowed out of it all sooner.

Now, well into adulthood, my issues have only gotten worse and worse. It feels my mind is falling apart and I'm so frequently scared, my emotional regulation and memory are practically non-existent. I can't get away from self harm or disordered eating (though I often doubt a therapist would think those things are significant), can barely keep myself from falling back into substances. I can barely get a job or keep it and sometimes the only thing keeping me here is being scared to die though sometimes that doesn't even work (I'm not actively suicidal right now just to clarify). More than ever it feels like I'm barely real or even alive.

But I'm still scared to even try to schedule a therapy or psychiatrist appointment. I'm scared I won't even be able to talk when asked what's wrong since more and more now I've been having verbal shutdowns, especially in frightening enchantments or under the slightest stress, which I respond to worse than ever lately. I've been thinking of writing down a summary of what's going on but I don't know if they'll accept that, if they'll want me to talk normally. I'm scared they'll want me to go into past trauma but I just can't, not to a stranger or sometimes to anyone at all. I'm scared they'll think I'm just making everything up and turn me away. I'm scared they'll think I'm just a whiny child that can't handle normal life, or I'm just looking for some excuse to not participate in society or get drugs or something (funny, since I'm afraid to take meds and I'd probably just refuse if prescribed something controlled). I'm just scared and I know I won't be able to take it if I get even a fraction of the treatment I did at that therapist back then or most other times I've tried to bring up anything wrong with me to people in my life. I just don't know what to do I'm sorry I'm sorry

Hi Purple, I am so sorry for your experiences, and would like to start by validating your mental health struggles, and trauma history, and commend you for the self awareness it takes to want to develop new coping skills for a healthy functioning base line. We all deserve the space and time to explore what that means for us, and I hope you find yours as well. It makes all the sense in the world to me, that with both your background, and experiences, that the thought of seeking out therapy would feel the way it does for you. I deeply empathize with it, and know it is something that unfortunately does happen within the medical community. I had the opportunity to reply to a previous ask about something similar that I'll link here as well, but essentially, I'd like to copy over two core parts of it: This link about red flags in therapists (not to discourage!) but to help validate your experiences and not potentially self-gas light yourself as you navigate new medical professionals along your healing journey.

But also this part:

"Of course it’s very understandable that without feeling safe, the appointment could feel so jarring that even if you meet a kind one, it could be hard to convey what you’re looking for.

My first advice would be to ask if someone can go with you, someone you feel comfortable with, and who you might even be able to practice a dialogue with beforehand.

Even if they can, or cannot come, my second piece of advice is to have your questions written down as well. Worst come to worst, if you feel unable to verbally share your concerns, perhaps you could slide them over so they can reply.

My third piece of advice is to ask for a print out of the after visit summary, with clear instructions and follow up to what the next steps might be - something you can refer to in the future as well." Regardless of what you choose moving forward, I hope you find someone who helps you feel seen, heard, and encourages you along your healing path.

Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #therapy #purple

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demeter1111 · 2 years

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What to Tell Family and Friends About Living With Chronic Illness

By Sara Naveed

If someone were to ask me to describe what it’s like to live with a chronic illness, I honestly wouldn’t know what to say. Perhaps it’s the expectation of living a normal life and remaining “active” with drained out batteries. The fear of being bedridden or dependent on other people, the guilt of letting people down, the pain of feeling left behind and missing out on things, and the unpredictability of the illness itself. In addition, it’s the constant struggle to educate and create awareness amongst family, friends and co-workers, all the while hearing insensitive things since nobody has any idea how disabling it can be.

To be honest, nothing I say will actually do justice to what it’s like, however, there’s certain things I can tell you for sure. All of these things I’ve thought about and wished I could tell my own family and friends, but have never been able to. Maybe because my chronic illness never becomes the topic of conversation. Maybe because I’m used to keeping that part of my life to myself, or maybe because I’m used to suffering in silence — or maybe because I just don’t have the energy to educate.

You know what? It feels good to finally get it off my chest, and I hope this will resonate if you’re sick too.

Our lives are very different from your lives.

How so? In addition to all the regular challenges that are part of adulthood, we also have to worry about pain, fatigue, nausea, migraines, physical limitations, brain fog, sleep difficulties, medications, a ton of appointments – with the doctors’, chiropractor, massage therapist, physiotherapist, acupuncture – cancelled plans, and most importantly, trying to keep up with people’s expectations of us.

It’s not fair to have the same expectations from us as you would from a perfectly healthy person.

This is a never-ending struggle! Most people tend to forget that a chronic illness is something you have to deal with every day of your life. So just because you see a smile on our faces doesn’t mean we aren’t in pain. And that certainly doesn’t make it OK for you to have the same level of expectations from us as you would from a perfectly healthy person. Think about the time you empathized with someone who got sick just for a few days. Didn’t you cut them some slack? Now imagine being sick for weeks, and months and years. Don’t you think we deserve the same?

If you see us “enjoying ” ourselves, it doesn’t mean we aren’t sick.

You see us put up a picture on Instagram. We are laughing and having the time of our lives. You automatically start judging and think to yourself, “She looks absolutely fine there. It doesn’t seem like she is in any kind of pain. In fact, she is out and about, having fun! Yet she has no time for me.” But did you know that I had to save my energy all week long just to go out that one night? Or that it took a lot of convincing from my family and everything in me to drag myself outside in an effort to feel better? And that the entire time I was out, I was trying super hard to forget about the physical and emotional pain I was in? Can a picture ever tell you the struggles behind that moment? Definitely not!

We pay the price for it each time.

We absolutely love catching up with you; those long phone calls and all our time together, but it can be very draining on us. Unfortunately, we always have to pay a price for all the fun we have. Every time you see us dancing it up at that party or spending an entire day outside, you will find us trying to recuperate for the next few days. We spend every single day of our lives making decisions on what we are able to use our energy on that day. Every single interaction takes from the very limited amount of energy we have.

Fatigue is different than being tired.

I think fatigue is harder for healthy people to understand than pain because everyone has felt pain at some point in their lives, even if it’s not as bad as our pain. However, healthy people can’t wrap their heads around what it feels like to be exhausted even after 12 hours of sleep. Or feeling the need to take a nap just after freshening up and having breakfast. But hey, thanks to fatigue, it is totally possible for us to be way more exhausted than you even if you have had a five-day work week and we have only had a two-day work week. Or if you’ve been having super long days in comparison to our super short days!

We are going to live with this for the rest of our lives.

There’s no “cure” for our illness. This is going to be our life for the rest of our days. If you decide to stick around, make sure you’re able to handle being there for us through our ups and downs. Unfortunately, cancellations and disappearances may be part and parcel of being friends with us. That actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with our health condition! We understand if it’s too much for you to handle, but please understand that it’s not fair for you to take it personally and expect us to explain ourselves each time.

We don’t want to sound like we are complaining.

Being tired or not getting enough sleep the night before can easily come off as ” complaining.” This is the reason why most chronic illness warriors aren’t vocal about their struggles. We would rather keep things to ourselves than have people think that. But please keep in mind that there is a huge difference between feeling that way once in a while or feeling like that every day of your life.

We just want acceptance.

Honestly, we just want to be heard! We want people to stop pretending like there is nothing wrong with us, to recognize our challenges, listen to us when we feel the need to vent and maybe just give us a hug at the end of it all!

Note: Although I can relate to a lot of this, not all chronic illnesses are the same. This is just to bring some awareness to those interested. I have multiple chronic illnesses and have had a two organ transplants. If you are someone with chronic Illness of any type and are interested, please follow me on my new side blog @imalump. I mostly post art, photography, poetry, etc here. I would love to meet others who who can relate and to have a place where I can get more of my chronic illness posts out there.

#chronic illness #chronic pain #chronically ill #me #about me

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sincerity--extreme · 1 year

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The fact my parents refuse to believe there's a considerably high chance that I'm autistic is just ridiculous at this point

Now that I've studied about it I can actually see it, so many things I did as a kid started to make sense and most of my difficulties that followed me into adulthood now have a explanation but when I try to explain it, using my THERAPIST'S words they still say "Nah, I don't see it, you're looking for excuses to not do the things you don't want to do" and I'm... Seriously, we went to 1 professional many years ago that sat with me for 20 minutes and came out saying "There's nothing wrong with her, she's just a little shy, I think throwing her into group therapy will solve that" and because it was exactly what they wanted to hear, they held onto to it but if I bring that up they get mad and start shouting and raising their hands to scare me

"But mom, I have a really hard time understanding people, making friends and keeping friendships" "Well that's probably because you're selfish and people leave you because you're dramatic and no one wants to deal with that but you like to blame them and complain you're alone" (that's most definitely not true, I absolutely always blame myself when people leave me or suddenly stop talking to me but because of anxiety and probably RSD I can't send a message to ask if there's something wrong or if I did something)

"mom I have literal panic attacks in social situations" "You're just making it up to not have to do something you don't want to do, so someone else will do it for you" and sometimes there's also a second comment "I was also shy when I was younger but I fought through it, forced myself to get over it and got better so obviously you can too, you just pretend not to cause it's easier and more comfortable to make someone else fix your problems for you"

"I can't keep eye contact" "that means nothing" (0 points for effort on that one, she didn't even try to find an reason for that)

"What about hyperfocus?" "Everyone has special interests" "But I literally stop living when I'm stuck on that mode, I will go hours and hours without eating or drinking or even going to the bathroom" "You're looking for excuses, trying to find a problem in yourself to use that as an excuse for not wanting to do what makes you a little uncomfortable"

And the list of things go on, she also always try to say that x thing is normal and that everyone does it and like, that's not actually true for everything but that's a complicated topic for these people, so let's go with it is true for a lot of things BUT people need to understand that it isn't 1 check in the box that automatically gives you a diagnosis, it's a collection of things, so me being anxious in public doesn't make me neurodivergent, lots of people are nervous in public, not a lot of people shut down or fall into a sensory overload or panic attack due to it but anyway, it doesn't automatically mean anything, but that anxiety plus a list of other symptoms means there's a chance there's something "wrong" and the more things you add to that list the higher the chance you're neurodivergent and getting people to understand that is so hard for some reason

#the therapist obviously can't diagnose me #but she explained that ADHD and ASD are most probably what's happening in my brain #more ASD than ADHD even but I'm still not sure #but my point is I'm probably neurodivergent but they hate it and refuse to even listen to what that means #my brother is also under investigation for ASD and she's extremely mad cause both her kids are *normal* and all professionals are wrong #only rule that applies is hers #anyway #ASD #ADHD #neurodivergent #probably neurodivergent

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anewinterpretation · 2 years

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TL;DR - Downplaying someone's mental illnesses or disabilities, pretending there's some magic cure for them, or poking fun at the things they use to help themselves is a surefire way to make sure that person never talks to you about it again.

It's been nearly two full weeks, and a conversation I had with a relative is still living rent free in my head. This person regularly asks me how therapy is going. At first I thought these conversations were neat and they were finally taking interest, but now it's the conversation I dread most.

Why?

Because they basically keep asking when I'll be cured.

I have ADHD and Autism, and because I wasn't diagnosed with either of those until adulthood, I also have severe anxiety and depression. I work with a therapist like a responsible adult, and I take an antidepressant and Adderall to help with the symptoms.

And since the conversation had turned to my therapist, I started bragging a bit. Because I thought I'd made pretty good progress with my therapist and I was excited to share.

But instead of being receptive or happy for me, they immediately got judgy. They were so quick to point out that my communication skills were still lacking, that I was still on so many pills, and basically that I wasn't good enough to have a full on neurotypical conversation. They went so far as to ask if I was only seeing a therapist because they couldn't cure me as a child.

Now I'm thinking that this is probably coming from a genuine place of both ignorance and love, but it was not the best way to approach this. Regardless, the conversation was hurtful, and it left me feeling awful about myself.

I may not pick up on social cues very well, but I can pick up on your tone. I get it, I'm not "normal." I don't fit in. I don't speak or act like society wants me to. I don't communicate everything well. I process information differently and slowly. I can't make my own serotonin anymore. I'm impulsive. I can't remember things for shit. I take pills to keep my mental state under control.

And I avoid talking to people because on a normal day when I'm left to my own devices, I'm completely fine with who I am and completely comfortable in my own skin. But as soon as I talk to someone, I manage to feel worse about all of those things.

#autism #living with autism #adhd #living with adhd #asd #autistic problems #adhd problems #autistic things #autistic experiences #adhd experience #anxeity #depression #mental health struggles #mental heath awareness #mental health #neurodivergent experiences #neurodiversity #neurodiverse stuff #neurodivergent

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elliebear666 · 1 year

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Started feeling kinda paranoid lately. I think it's due to stress. I feel like somehow my blog is being like... broadcasted to tons of people, including Dr. Fox, YouTube channel clinical psychologist.

I swear I feel like bro is making videos that mirror my shit and I get paranoid lol. But uh... pretty sure that's not happening and I'm just stressed out.

Tbh I guess... I've been dealing with paranoia for a while. In more like, "They're not being honest and they're being nice to get things from me," type ways. I have had auditory hallucinations w FEW times. But it's always when I'm stressed. I didn't feel I was manic or anything. And um... idk. I was hyper paranoid a while ago, thinking everyone in town was watching me and plotting against me, to kill me or send me away or whatever. I saw a black and a white car parked together and said to myself, "Oh boy. They know. I wonder if they're going to nab me and put me in one of the care." Just crazy shit I guess.

I haven't listed all the ways in which BPD symptoms have affected me since teen years and especially young adult and beyond. I wish Dr. Fox could be like, "Here's what's up. Sorry I can't treat you cuz like you live in a different state. But like you should do this to improve."

I suppose one of the most frustrating aspects is that I have been in therapy for like 10 years and I still have BPD issues.

I mean, I think my psychiatrist and therapist are right? I mean, I've pathologically expressed BPD traits since even before adulthood. And eventually was exhibiting all 9 traits.

I guess part of the thing too is... I do have unrealistic expectations of having my needs met. Because I guess? I have a lot of needs... I'm needy. And clingy. And when I inevitably fail? I spiral like a crazy person. I like... did awful shit to my ex. I split on her and said evil shit and I hate myself for what I did.

I wonder what the difference between moderate and severe BPD is tho. Like... my issues were so bad someone had to get the law involved because I was stalking them... which is absolutely valid. I'm working on being better and atoning. But um... I feel like I may have been moderate at one point, you know? But I feel like I progressed to severe. It was bad. Splitting, rage outbursts, risky behavior, constant freakouts, extreme emotional reactions to almost everything all the time, frantic efforts to avoid abandonment and spiraling to insanity and speeding and risky, dangerous behavior anytime I felt rejected or abandoned. Hurting myself all the time. Severe dissociation that has caused lapses in memory for years. Anger and rage that destroyed friendships and relationships and hurt family. Constant and overwhelming feelings of emptiness. Never knowing who I am and my identity shifting like the tides. Splitting and intense and obsessive relationships filled with fights and instability. Threatening suicide all the time. Being constantly suicidal. I got do in debt from impulsive spending that I... I had to take care if it but I was ruining my life. All this shit and more.

I feel like it was severe. I mean, it felt severe, right? It destroyed my life. Sometimes I wonder if I even have bipolar disorder at all and if it wasn't just BPD. But I'm pretty sure I do have bipolar disorder because the meds help to a degree.

But I still have had really bad BPD symptoms even on meds. But the amount that I've improved? It is astronomical. It is a massive change. I was doing therapy twice a week, and every other day at first I believe. I had no self and tried on every disorder in the book because I didn't want to have BPD tbh. I tried to convince myself I was evil because then I wouldn't feel bad and myself for what I'd done and my therapist and psychiatrist were like... "What's wrong with this diagnosis? Why is it so hard to accept?" And I was like... if I accept it, then I actually have to work on myself and problems. I can't keep lying to clinicians lmao. And... I was scared and ashamed and full of self hatred. Y'all should have seen me the first year or so with my new therapist. It was a fucking MADHOUSE. I got paranoid about her, thought she was involved in some great conspiracy against me, every crazy, paranoid, delusional thought? She became a favorite person and I'd split on her constantly. I threatened her and said I hated her and had to fight my mind's desire to lash out her or stalk her. I learned everything I could about her online... I was acting like a fucking psycho lmao. The level of unhinged shit I sent her in text? Constant all day every day.

So.... idk. I lied to my first therapist literally all the time. I don't even know why. I never told her about the severity of my real issues. I lied and lied and acted cool and fine, but eventually, as she peeled back the layers, she saw my emptiness and the void and my constant instability and rage and pain. I just... I was so guilty and ashamed and just... I didn't want anyone to know what was going on. I barely talked about abuse. I never mentioned being molested and all the horrific shit that happened.

So my BPD fucking... metastasized. I grew and spread and soon I was just a fucking disaster of a human being.

Idk.

I wish sometimes that I could have help from someone like Dr. Fox. But... again. Different state. My psychiatrist and therapist are helping immensely. But... idk.

Fuck

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switchlazerr · 1 year

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THE IMPORTANCE OF SETTING BOUNDARIES. Coming from personal experiences, I have always been struggling on keep people around me in-check and setting boundaries with people that I have relationship with, particularly with family and friends. I noticed that the reason I had a difficulties is on setting boundaries. I believe strongly that there 3 reason that made me struggle but the biggest reason is that I was afraid to insult someone in my social circle. It is strongly rooted in me since I was a child. "You should only say good things to your parents and friends" "Respect your life elder and friends " " Don't hurt other people's feeling", etc. At some point it was reasonable, because I was just a little innocent child. It was the right the to be taught to me. But as I grow older, I realized that it doesn't apply to me anymore, at least to some extent. Because when leave high school and enter early stage of adult hood, there are some "gaps" or transition phase that I had to go through in order to fully grasp on how I have to behave socially. It was such a stressful moment to go through back then. The peak of the process "figuring out" on how adulthood and social behavior happened back then in 2020. Got no friends to taught me this time exact topic, not even my own parents. I even went to therapy just to ask the therapist why some people reply their message so late even though they have their phone all the time in their hand. Basically I was just frustrated and upset about not figuring a lot of things out in social aspects of life. Okay, back to the boundaries setting story. In 2020, during the early stages of pandemic, I realized that me myself was such an ass kisser and doormat. I knew that because some people just treat me like trash and disrespect me at some point. From there, I start to break the pattern by asking myself this question, "Who am I?". Yes, only that. By asking myself that question, I started to figure things out about my personality, my likes and dislikes, Types of people I'd like to hangout with and my purpose. To be honest I'm stills challenging myself to dig deeper into myself with until today. Because it is a necessary step to make my myself better every single day. From there, I start to respect myself more. Start to respect and tolerate other people a little bit. And as I am writing this sentence in 14th January, 2023, I start to cut people off that doesn't have the same mentality or purpose as me. Because I knew back then to have shitty friends with zero self or at least lack of self respect for themselves and others. The worst part is Invited this friend to come to my hometown in south east Asia. Such a waste of time and energy. I definitely learned my lesson the hard way. Moral of this story is if you have to respect your self and setting boundaries. Otherwise you would not know when your boundaries is crossed and it can mess up your life quickly. Also be aware of yourself and other people personalities, it can help you to mentally distinguish between people you should or should not connect with.

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futuristicallyshadowyface · 1 year

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"ur a manipulator"

Tf am I manipulating. Everyone is always going into my business trying to say that I do this that and the other! I have literally made it a point to say what I need straightforwardly bc they keep saying I'm a manipulator like fuck if I'm a manipulator why tf am I the one under attack rn and not you!! I don't start no problems like!!! Sorry I don't have a job I needed a break to figure out what I want bc I'm young and have no RESPONSIBILITIES!! I'm sorry u got stuck with kids early on but that's not my fault! I gave my whole childhood to all that drama like can't I just relax just a little bit?!!!?!! Sorry ur guys lives suck but that's just not on me I'm chillin figuring out what I want and going toward that goal. Like... I'm going back to school bc I know what I want to do and I'm trying to start on that path why are you mad?? Sorry I'm not a fucking millionaire overnight, or didn't get a job when u told me when I was in hs!! It's always baby steps until it comes to me trying to navigate adulthood! I'm going through the legal systems to get my trans shit done and that's been hard, like let me go through one thing at a time!! I'm already stressed from constantly having to be around people who only want to bitch at me bc I don't have the responsibilities they do!! "Man up the real world ...." I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!! It's my life!!! I'm living it how I want to!!! I'm trying to get my shit together but my god constantly having people bark in my ears isn't making it any less stressful!! Not to mention her fucking ex didn't have a job for the longest and only ruined shit but never once did she do shit about it!! Oh but no let's worry about me bc I'm always everyones emotional cumsock!! Ur jealous bc I got everything you never did, and you're mad bc I'm supposed to do what u want and I don't. That sounds like a problem for you guys!! I'm going to live stress free and doing what I want I don't want to be all fucking miserable like them!! Not only that but my god!! In hs I saw a therapist regularly who I brought up npd to bc I was worried and I do admit that back then (when I was a kid!! So like a little bitch 15 year old!!) I was an ass but the worse I did wasn't even to anyone else!! It was me I tried to kms and somehow that translated into me wanting attention and blah blah blah like!! I needed support not you slapping me and making my life at home worse or embarrassing me by telling the school. But it's ok bc she got to get it all out of her system and hey I'm still alive! Anyway therapist was like yeah u do got some signs of it but bc I was there for other reasons we focused on what was actively making me spiral even more (I had a lot of issues) and ever since then all I have heard is my mom constantly say I am a manipulator and tell others when it's like!!! I MADE CHANGES!! I CHANGED THE WAY I SPOKE TO NOT ACCIDENTALLY MANIPULATE PEOPLE OR SOMETHING?? TO MAKE SURE I SAID WHAT I NEEDED DIRECTLY BUT NO!! Some how I still get the title of master manipulator?? If I WAS WHY AM I THE ONE WHOSE ALWAYS GETTING SHAT ON??? I have a bad relationship with her and I know a lot of shit but never do I say anything! I don't force her to do shit (other than like to DRIVE me somewhere, the fucking horror) don't do anything. I stick to myself do my chores occasionally help the kids with what they need and don't do anything else! Like my fucking god!! I guess I must be a god tier fucking manipulator bc I can't even see it myself!!

Am I selfish? Yes. Self absorbed? Yes. Shameless, lazy (I get my shit done dw I go through with what I say which is why I don't like promising stuff), resentful, angsty, hormonal, mean, and stupidish?? Yeah. But I'M HONEST ABOUT ALL OF IT! I will say what I need to bitch! I don't play those games, I don't lie to get what I want, I don't do any of that bc I'm always accused of it!! Like there's nothing I hate more than lies being spread or believed about me!! Stop it I hate it! I'm sorry ur life sucks and u wish u could have mine but that's a personal problem u should speak to someone else about! Not shit on me for!

#always getting on my fucking nerves #sorry I don't have the right skillset to process my emotions my parents were abusive n toxic in diff ways that has affected me all my life #but hey who needs to talk about that?? I'm just a shitty person bc I don't have a job yet #not like I was saying I want my stuff LEGALLY CHANGED before I did anything but whatever!! somehow it'll be my fucking fault!!#I'm so fucking tired of all this bullshit!! like my fucking god

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thedreadvampy · 1 year

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therapy thoughts from yesterday include: it is wild how we treat kids about sleep. it really is.

and after years of being told if I couldn't overcome my tiredness I'd never succeed like. I have never in my Office Job Having Full Time Employed adulthood had to get up as consistently early as I did when I was at school, at the age when statistically you need the most sleep for your health.

like I have for sure been lucky with line managers who are willing to give me a bit of leeway on coming in at 9:30 or 10 rather than 9 sharp but when I was a teenager I needed to be on the bus by the time I usually wake up as an adult. and teenagers in general like, the adolescent brain needs more sleep, studies suggest that most teenagers aren't really absorbing information properly before 11am.

also I don't think I've ever heard someone really reflect back the sense of injustice I felt about being constantly talked down for sleeping in until my therapist got really angry on my behalf last night. like. when I was 16-17 I had really severe fatigue problems (my therapist pointed at my trauma timeline at this point and was like gee I wonder why. I'm like shhhh yeah fair.), I would uncontrollably fall asleep in class and missed like 60% of school from sleeping in and I was frequently sleeping 14-18 hours a day. and it was so totally out of my control like I tried going to bed earlier but I just wouldn't sleep. the only way I could guarantee being awake for school was to not sleep. being awake when I was tired made me so sick and miserable and unable to think.

and people kept telling me well just get up! and treating it as a behavioural issue. but I was straight up blacking out for 16 hours and it's like. how are you going to hold me responsible for being asleep I AM LITERALLY NOT THERE. I'M NOT PRESENT. I DO NOT CONSCIOUSLY CONTROL MY BODY WHEN I'M ASLEEP THAT'S WHAT SLEEP IS.

(and also I have a thing I call Tired Ruth which happens when I'm really exhausted, which is a bit of my subconscious brain that takes over with the intent of keeping me asleep. Tired Ruth is sentient and intelligent but keeps me totally out of the loop, I don't remember anything when I wake up but people tell me I do all sorts of clearly intentional things to protect my sleep - I make considered excuses, lie, play dead, throw verbal abuse, go and pick up my duvet if someone takes it off me...the other day when I had Exhaustion Sleep at some point Tired Ruth checked my calendar for the day and ensured I wouldn't be missed at work. I don't remember doing most of this and occasionally while I am aware of it happening I can't like. exert control over it.

and so like these are things I am doing, but they're not things I can predict or control. they happen when the bit of me that is usually in control is asleep.

and I told my therapist this and she was like oh my god I love Tired Ruth. I'm so glad part of you is about serving your own basic needs without worrying about everyone else first.)

#red said

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userpeggycarter · 1 year

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Hi, I love your blog and the space you've created on here; I'm basically a long time follower, first time asker. I know this is a silly place to ask for advice on things such as this: but I have a hard time around the holidays due to my family circumstances. This year in particular has been more difficult and lonely than the years before, and I feel especially isolated. Do you have any words of wisdom or activities you'd recommend? Even shows/books/movies that may take my mind off things for the rest of the year? Thank you so much!

hi anon,

first of all, i hope you see this because it's a bit late (and for that i apologise, i swear i wasn't ignoring you). second, thank you for considering me in such times, it's wild that my silly little blog might be amusing even useful for somebody and that my advice is something someone might be interested into. and no, it's not silly for you to ask a tumblr user for advice. sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger. isn't that what therapist is like, a bit?

and i get what you're feeling, in part. i'm a lonely person myself and i struggle with that, but what i've learned is that you got to fight against your loneliness. it's hard, but it's good for you. maybe reach out to friends you don't longer talk (a lot) to or to even friendly acquaintences, you don't know what friendships you might get if you put in the effort. it took a lot time for me to realize that, that friendship is work. i used to think that it blossomed expontaneously and it kinda does, but you also need to put effort in it, like a bean that naturally grows on a cotton ball but only survives in (real) good soil. most of times, that effort needs to be digital because of how lonely (modern) adulthood is and that might be a good or a bad thing for you, i don't know. it's both easier and more difficult at the same time, but it has to be done. even if it's just a little bit everyday, because Rome wasn't build in a day etc.

if that is difficult to you, i would suggest you look into discord servers. for any interest that you have, there's a discord server about it, i promise you. if not a server, maybe community on tumblr. hell, even facebook is useful sometimes, with their specific ass communities. reddit, even! the old internet was for that, to find communities and i don't know about you, but i'm feeling nostalgic.

you mentioned activities and i don't know abot you, but i can't live without a hobby a creative hobby, i might add. regular hobbies are good, but they can depend too much on external factors. if you collect something, you need money to keep your habit, etc. if you don't have any creative hobbies, don't be afraid to suddenly start one. you're gonna suck at it first, but then so does everybody. and the point of a creative hobby is not to be good at it anyway, it's to create. it exists for itself. it eases the mind. i can't meditate for shit, i can't keep my mind blank for a lot of time. but when i'm creating something? the moody part of my brain keeps shut. i'm focused on my thing. it's therapeutic. drawing, giffing, playing, dancing, acting, whatever, art is good for the soul.

for me, i like to make gifs. i used to be big on pixel art, too. and i've messing around with photoshop since i was a kid. (if you can't afford adobe products, don't worry, neither do i hihihi). there are… ways. i also like video and audio editing. photography. drawing. baking. writing. write fanfic, yo. you must like a character a lot. write about them having the best day of their lives, and the worst. write them meeting Joe Biden. go nuts! or write something original. don't think about if it's good or not, just do it. do you only eat food because it is good for you or because you like the feeling? create because of the feeling of creation. it's a natural high. best drug ever.

and lastly… media. reading, watching stuff, listening to stuff. i don't know your taste, but here's advice that works on everybody: go backwards. so you like heist movies, for example. watch old movies of the genre, really old. (i don't know if you're the type to consume old media, if that's the case pardon me and also… maybe try similar foreign media, if you can find any?). read or watch essays about it. find podcasts about your favorite topic, there has to be one. make web weaving posts with your favorite book quotes and art piece. make memes about it (i love specific memes, even the ones i don't fully get).

now, here's a few of my media recommendations: The X Files. again, if you already watched this, pardon me. but if didn't, great. it has 200+ episodes. are all of them great? no, but TXF is like pizza, even bad TXF is good. you like comedy? there is comedy! do you like drama? there is drama! do you like aliens? do you like long character arcs? we have them! do you like procedurals, monster of the week shows? guess what!

still on sci-fi, i would also suggest a show. and another show. and another another show. and a lot of movies too… i'm talking about Star Trek. all of it. is everything good? no. but it's good journey either way. also, it's a long journey, so you'll be busy! and the star trek fandom is one of the best. it's old as balls. it has people of every kind and age. it's a dedicated community. it's also one of the worst fandoms out there, but you learn to distance from the bad crowd. it's like family.

movies… watch foreign movies. (you might need to look on how to pirate them, though). watch old movies. do movie challenges through lists on letterboxd! lists on there are useful, especially if you don't know how to navigate old Hollywood/foreign cinema. if you look trough my reference or resources tag, there are lists of movies on Youtube that you can watch for free. if you can, pay for Mubi, even it's only for a month.

next, comics. not necessarily superhero comics (but that could be a suggestion, too! there'sa lot of it and despite the bad rep, superhero comics can be good!), but comics in general, people don't usually read a lot of those. read Blacksad. Robert Crumb. Ed Brubaker. Will Eisner. Jeff Lemire. Matt Fraction. Alison Bechdel. research genres that you like, there's gotta be a comic about it. look for the Eisner nominees and winners. read the classics, Peanuts, Calvin & Hobbes, Tintin.

it's been a while since i've read a book (kinda going through a mental block at the moment), but my go to choice is always the classics. not just english classics, but world classics too. Gabriel García Marquez. Julio Cortazar. Fernando Pessoa. José Saramago. Jorge Luis Borges. Machado de Assis. read feminist theory and queer theory (NO TERF STUFF). Judith Butler, for example. bell hooks. Audre Lorde. i think that's it? i could go on for longer, but i need to contain myself. and if you want to (and only if you want to), anon, you can talk to me off anon, i would love to talk to you! :)

i hope you get out of your funk soon! and good luck and good vibes for you, whatever your situation is, things will get better, i promise! and happy new year, if we don't talk again until then! ❤️

#type: asks

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somanybrainwormies · 2 years

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Sometimes I feel fine and sometimes I feel not so fine. Not so fine isn’t so great. I have some coping mechanisms for when I feel not so fine but lately they haven’t been working so well. My moods swing around wildly back and forth and it gets hard to handle.

Yesterday I read something, I saw something that I hadn’t expected to come across, and it hit me, immediately. Like somebody had taken a blunt object and just swung it directly into my chest. I was pacing back and forth, arms wrapped around myself trying to keep myself from breaking apart. Wanted to cry but couldn’t. Wanted to scream but couldn’t.

It was like everything boiled up from my stomach and shot up my throat but then got stuck before it could come out of my mouth, and all I could do was make whimpering noises and eventually I had to go to my knees and try to control my breathing and calm the tremendous pain in my chest.

This is happening to me more and more often.

I’m somebody who likes steadiness, reassurance. I grew up in a horribly scary, unstable household and my last two relationships were scary and violent and unstable. So I’m at a point in my life where I need certain things to happen in order to feel okay, and when they don’t, I don’t cope with it very well at all.

I’m working on it, that’s the point of life, right? To work on things and try and improve the things about yourself that you don’t like.

But it’s hard.

I have this voice in my head, constantly, constantly harping on all the bad things that could happen in any given situation.

What makes it bad-bad is that I feel a lot like I have no-one to talk to about how I feel, other than my therapist who I talk to for one hour sessions, once a week. I feel lost trying to explain any of my feelings to my family because.

Because.

When me and my siblings were kids we saw a lot of bad stuff go on between our parents. We got through it by turning on the tv loud, listening to music loud, leaving the house, just constantly pretending that nothing was wrong.

And I think to an extent all of this carried over into adulthood, for all of us. Our default reaction to bad things is to deny, distract, or pretend it doesn’t exist. Shut it off, drown it out, bottle it up, talk to no one about how you feel.

I know for sure I still do this.

I’ve thought about suicide more this year than I have at any other time. I’ve cried more this year than I have at any other time. I’ve felt more unsure, more emotionally unstable, more scared than I ever have at any other period in my life.

Can’t talk to my family and I can’t talk to my girlfriend.

So, I’m alone.

Kinda.

My therapist advised me to start a journal or something to get the feelings out. Even if no one else sees them except me, and the parts that I choose to share with her. A good suggestion, I suppose.

We’ll see how this goes.

#tw: depression #tw: suidice #feelings #writing #getting it off my chest

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adventuresofarainbowcrip · 2 years

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Summer anxiety : thoughts, advice and empowerment for anxiety all year round

Hey, it’s me again. Your average rainbow-loving cat mom queer crip who also just so happens to experience anxiety.

A little bit of backstory about my relationship with anxiety. I have been experiencing it in some way since I was a young child. My mom says that my traumatic birth (I was born very premature and was in the hospital for a bit) definitely has attributed to my anxiety later in life. The body holds on to trauma. I had what I would consider to be separation anxiety as a kid, as well as a fear of being sick. As an older child and teen I developed a fear of being out in public (walking around my neighborhood, taking the bus). At 14 or 15 I think, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have had anxiety into my adulthood as well and it has shifted and changed a lot over time. I have also worked really hard to learn better ways to manage my anxiety.

In the past few weeks I have been feeling a bit more anxious. The summer heat is definitely not helping. Last weekend, I went to stay at my parents’ house. I called them crying because I was feeling quite nervous about the heat and other things. I have been back at the apartment by myself now for a few nights again and I’m doing okay. I’m really proud of myself because I have spent a total of almost two weeks at my place without my brother in the past month since he has been staying with his mom more.

My brother and I were talking the other day and he reminded me that my anxiety always seems to intensify for some part of summer. I thought about it and I realized he’s right. The two most intense and long-lasting periods of intense anxiety I have had as an adult (last year and in 2017) started in spring and continued into summer.

Although what I have been experiencing recently is nowhere near that intense, it still makes me reflect on how I can better manage this and also prepare for it next summer.

My first piece of advice : if you are anything like me and your brain doesn’t like long stretches of time with less structure, consider ways that you can stay involved in work or social activities during the summer. I’m a teacher and with my jobs, I have the option of working in the summer. I chose not to work at all this summer and now I wish I had at least kept a few hours or worked half the summer. My job gives me a sense of structure and purpose and keeps me out of my head more.

Reach out if you need help or even just someone to talk to : the self-critical part of me was upset for calling my parents to come stay with them during our mini heat wave because I felt like I should be able to manage without doing that, because I’m an adult. But you know what? staying in a 93 degree room and putting myself through undue hardship would not have been a good choice. You should never feel bad about asking for support. Getting support and being able to ask for it (for mental health issue or anything else) is actually a form of independence because you are taking initiative in your life. It is also recognizing that interdependence is good and necessary and helps you be stronger. Asking for help is not a shortcoming or something to be ashamed of. We all need help sometimes.

I have also talked to friends and family on the phone and this has helped too. Knowing that I have friends and family who would help me during low points, even just that knowledge can be helpful. I also have a therapist who I see virtually every 3 weeks.

Do things that help you feel good, whatever that means. For me that means listening to music, playing with and petting my cat, watching YouTube, taking a nice shower.

Reflect and write about things : writing or typing out your thoughts (or even recording them with a voice recording app if you have a smartphone) can be a way to get things out of your head. It’s also nice and very cool to look back later and see what you were feeling and how you got through it. I sometimes write to myself as the caring voice in myself that says, “I see how you are feeling, I love you and it’s okay.”

Tell yourself nice things and challenge the mean voice in your head. I have been doing that a lot recently. After the night I called my parents crying, once I’d gotten to their house and calmed down, I told myself, “Just because you cried doesn’t mean you are losing control.” I will tell myself that I’m doing the best I can, reminding myself that I love myself no matter what.

Honor yourself and remember that you are you. Just because others are doing certain things doesn’t mean you have to. Lots of people love being super active all summer, going from one activity to the next. Lots of people are more tolerant of heat. Well that’s not me. I can still enjoy summer in ways that make me feel comfortable and happy and try to push against my mean voice’s expectations of how I should be spending my time.

Rest. Rest is so important and our society does not see rest as valuable. We need rest (not just sleep - other things count too) and it can help your body and mind a lot. Some days I have to take a nap and that’s okay. Sometimes I listen to podcasts in bed and that’s okay too.

Breathing. Breathing (deep, controlled breathing if you can) really helps calm your nervous system and focuses your attention on something else. I like 4-4-4 breathing, which is where you inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and exhale for another 4.

Take care of yourselves.

Nirvana

#copingwithanxiety #interdependance is part of independance #crying is a sign of strength

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lavalamplana · 2 years

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Phases

I’ve met someone new. I don’t want it to be serious. He calls me Princess, I like it. I’m not ready to do anything serious. Not right now. I have too many things that I want to do. Sex is fun with him though. I’m glad I’ve decided to try out different partners. I wanna enjoy being single, however. I don’t want to be tied down to someone. I want to be able to go out and mess with whoever I want, kiss whoever I want, talk to whoever I want. None of that equates to a committed relationship. I am going to start my new job on my birthday. I got the offer letter, FINALLY today. My friends and I are planning something to do for my birthday, it’ll be the first one I’ve celebrated with friends in 2 years. I love to party. I love being around my people. I think my friend Nik and I are going to join an indoor co-ed soccer league. Or I might join a pickle ball league with my friend Carol. It’s so nice to make plans with friends again and have a place to be and people to see. I’m finally getting my new space put together. Tomorrow I plan to break down the last boxes, and trash and donate the last things that need to go. I’m going to visit the storage unit and put the rest of my things away. I’m going to my friend Glenn’s bridal party meeting Saturday. I’m excited to see how everything will work. It will give me something to look forward to and another reason to work out and save money. I’ve been going to the gym every morning, my body is very sore. I love the feeling though. I love how working out makes me feel. I feel powerful and like I’ve accomplished something. It’s a great way to start my days. I need to get my haircut. I have so many dead ends. I plan on meeting with my new therapist in August. I have much to hash out and I’m excited to do so. I don’t feel as fucked up anymore, things are beginning to fall in order in my head. Stability feels boring but so much more peaceful. I haven’t had real peace in so long. The kind that comes from the inside and is completely fulfilling. You don’t need anything else, because your needs are met by yourself. I want to look through my past with some guidance though and figure out the last bits and pieces. I feel like I have all of this information in front of me but it’s scattered. And there’s so much of it. However, I’ve made an extensive list. I’m going to print it out and bring it to my therapist and ask if she is capable of my task. It’s very type A, I know. But I’m so sick of feeling like I’m living in limbo land. I also keep getting migraines. I think I’ve been getting them since spring, but I thought it was anxiety related. I think it has something to do with the blood flow in my neck. Which is still probably stress and anxiety related. I might go see a chiropractor. I need to go see a dermatologist as well. I have a few moles on my body I’d like to have looked at. My mom got melanoma when she was around my age, but they found it and were able to cut it out in time. An acquaintance from high school I knew, passed away from melanoma a few years ago. I’d rather be safe, than sorry. I go for my gynecology appointment soon as well. I’m going to get everything checked out and have all the usual tests run. I like knowing that my body is clean. It brings me peace of mind. I’m proud of myself for accomplishing everything I have. I’m proud that I’m growing gracefully and entering adulthood somewhat soundly. I’m happy with the majority of my decisions up to this point in my life.

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chainofclovers · 3 years

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Ted Lasso 2x10 thoughts

GOOD GOD.

“No Weddings and a Funeral” is like being hungover but also coming out of a hangover. Having a terrible cold but also feeling better and appreciating every breath that comes through your nose. Embarking on an organizational project and accidentally falling into a photo album and crying about the pictures and organizing almost nothing tangible but making a few things more clear in your brain.

So much of this episode is about the AWFUL POINTLESSNESS OF DECORUM. How loud is too loud when you’re drinking stolen wine and shrieking about sex in a church right before your father’s funeral? How should you feel--thirty years later, as an accommodating, anger-averse person--about having been too angry to attend the funeral for your father who killed himself? What expression should you make when you show up really late to a different funeral? Why must you wear uncomfortable shoes just because someone died? What happens in your mind between standing up to give a eulogy for a man you’re still angry with and choosing to Rick Roll your mom and everyone else as an act of complicated love, humiliatingly incomplete until someone else starts to sing? Should you worry about your therapist seeing your normally tidy flat in a full-on state of depression mess? Is it okay to be offended that your boyfriend is so uncomfortable about death that he can’t stop making morbid jokes? Should you care about other people caring that you’re crunching an apple in church or squealing with joy to be reunited with a friend you’ve not seen in awhile? Are you obligated to explain your behavior if your kid doesn’t understand how you could stay with someone unfaithful? How far behind the counter should you sink when your [undefined relationship person]’s mother has just let you know she can see your dick through your underwear? Is a funeral reception an okay place to find a hookup? Is a funeral reception a decent spot for a break-up? Is a funeral reception a good time for a love confession when you know the person you’re confessing to is happy with someone else? And who do you make eye contact with when you can’t look directly at the person asking you if you’re okay when there’s so, so much about you she doesn’t know yet? Even if--for this tiny little moment within a vast swath of many okay and not-okay moments--you’re honest when you tell her that you are?

I fucking adored this episode because it answers all these questions very simply: Show up. Show up for yourself. Show up for your friends. Try not to harm yourself. Try not to harm your friends.

I love that this episode is about the messiness of adulthood and the things we bring with us from childhood and that it takes place partially in Rebecca’s childhood bedroom, and in Ted’s childhood memories. Dwelling in those places (whether physically or mentally) isn’t an automatic recipe for regression, but it does get everyone closer to the things that made them who they are, to the unresolved and half-buried parts of them that still make them tick today.

Forever obsessed with every single detail about Rebecca’s childhood bedroom.

Forever obsessed with Deborah’s decision to Rick Roll herself every single morning of her life.

Forever obsessed with Rebecca’s decision to Rick Roll her father’s funeral as a way to not have to make up a single word about her father and to do something very vulnerable and kind for herself and her mother and everyone.

Forever obsessed with Ted’s decision to Rick Roll Rebecca Rick Rolling her father’s funeral.

Forever obsessed with an entire found family backing it up.

I love that it is Isaac’s leadership that ensures every single member of the team attends the service for Paul.

I am very, very interested in Jamie’s love confession to Keeley because I do think it will spark some reflection in Keeley but I do not think it’ll go the cliched love triangle route.

Each scene with Rebecca and Sam struck (for me, a human being sharing a subjective perspective on the internet) the tender-awkward-beautiful-stressful chord I was hoping it would. I think it’s wonderful that Sam is honest with Rebecca about how difficult it is to keep their relationship a secret, and I love that Rebecca has a million mostly-unarticulated reasons for why she’d much prefer the secret to continue. I like that Sassy, Keeley, and Nora respond to the revelation as friends; they might be tempering their judgments in part because they’ve all gathered to bury Rebecca’s dad, but I don’t think their reactions would’ve been that different even on a happier occasion.

While there are a million and one different reasons why a continued relationship between Rebecca and Sam could cause serious ethical problems, I really love that when people share big news on this show, the people who care about them generally react by trying to see why the person is doing what they’re doing. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t also hold each other accountable, but in my book it’s OK that Keeley’s first reaction was to feel happy that her friend is having some fun.

Also everyone has been making weird judgment calls this season, and this episode felt like a moment of real breakthroughs in terms of people telling the truth about things that happened to them and leaving themselves open to honest responses from others.

September 13, 1991. It’s so tenderly, beautifully, overwhelmingly meaningful that there’s still so much Ted and Rebecca don’t know about the things they have in common in these parallel lives they’re leading. The scene between Sarah Niles and Jason Sudeikis is so beautifully acted, and so is the scene between Hannah Waddingham and Harriet Walter. The way they intertwine to communicate that Ted and Rebecca basically lost the ability to trust their fathers simultaneously, from an ocean away? In the hands of lesser storytellers, it would feel too perfect a mirroring, but here it feels heartbreakingly imperfect. All the things they still don’t know. All the questions they try to ask each other. All the things they don’t dare ask yet. And then the storytellers are holding a candle up to all of it and letting the audience bask in the glow of this connection even if Ted and Rebecca can’t fully understand it yet.

I am so proud that Rebecca and Deborah were able to embark on the beginnings of a conversation about the ways Deborah and Paul’s relationship might have resembled or not resembled Rebecca and Rupert’s. It feels possible that they could get to a point where Rebecca truly internalizes her mother’s pride that she broke a cycle by leaving Rupert, and could maybe even understand why her mother made the choices she made. I love that in the final scene, they’re still relying on their old mother-daughter conversational patterns—the frustrations, the snippy shorthand, the passive-aggression. Mothers and daughters!

I am also proud that Ted—albeit via a joke about Sharon charging him for the house call—indicates that he understands the value of Sharon’s work. He’s changed a lot, all in realistic ways for someone who loves learning and really does want to meet people where they are and appreciate them. I’m very moved that instead of putting himself in a real harmful situation by showing up to the funeral on time at any cost, he did what he needed to do to take care of himself and accept care from someone else. And then Sharon’s suggestion that he think about things he loved about his father? And the way he’s able to share a positive memory of Rebecca’s own father at a time when she really needed it? Gosh.

Awkward, undecorous transition from 1991 to present-day incoming...but SASSY! She’s just, like, a whirling dervish of loyal friendship and not giving a fuck and penis size discussions and being casually, delightfully cruel to Rupert, who so deserves it. Rebecca was going on a real face journey when Sassy goes off with Ted at the end, and I’m sort of *eyes emoji* about all of that, but I continue to feel like Sassy is the most imperfectly wonderful friend-from-the-past kind of person and I love everything she and Nora get to do in this episode.

Keeley saying “That baby is whack” might be my favorite line in the episode? Maybe the whole show? Not really but really.

FUCK YOU, RUPERT. Bex and Diane, y’all are fine. And I truly feel for Nate...whatever scheme he’s getting suckered into. Whatever insecurity Rupert is preying on. I want Nate to go to therapy, too.

I feel like it was an unpopular opinion at the time, but I loved Rebecca’s 2x1 revelation about vulnerability and fear of getting hurt and needing to let someone love her. Sassy doesn’t always word things in the most nuanced way, but I think there’s a real possibility that she did ask Rebecca to really consider what it means to feel either safe or unsafe with a person but to know that in either circumstance, that person could end up causing her pain. Standing in that closet with Sam, managing to make it clear that she’s not asking for a break because she knows he will hurt her but because she has to figure out how to be with a wonderful person who could cause her pain...the growth, man. Makes me emotional.

I emerged from this episode feeling, of course, stunned by all the amazing parallels and revelations and beautiful acting and Rick Rolls and just, everything. I also emerged feeling sad/raw/tender because messiness and decorum and growth and coping mechanisms and death and dramatic irony and not knowing things about people and not knowing what you don’t know...it’s a sad, raw, tender place to be.

To quote a guy who got a whole sitcom (lol) named after him, life is real hard.

#ted lasso #ted lasso s2 spoilers #meta by me #ted lasso 2x10 #a lesbian watches ted lasso #lotta feelings in here y'all #cw suicide

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