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asrisgratitudejournal · 3 years

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Home

It struck me so hard especially in these last few days what home is to me. Well, to be exact, what and where home is. To put into context, from last Sunday evening to today, I've stayed in a campus accommodation called The Hub which is in the Royal Holloway uni complex. The first time I arrived here, I was so surprised by the non-existence of people. Turns out it is now out-of-term time and plus, because of covid-19, despite the lifted restriction on July 19th, people don't have any reason to be around. Well, it's a pretty similar situation we'd find back in ITB when it's out of term. However, there's always students' social thingy in ITB back then (pelatihan oskm lah, osjur, persiapan wisuda etc2), so it's not a zombie apocalypse situation, unlike here.

It's not that I don't like quietness (I'm very much into a calm and serene situation rather than a busy one), but this is just too much. Being alone in a new place (?). Not only that, the HEAT. The summer heat is crazy and I only got a not-so-bad fan actually, but still, I believe my room back in Headington would feel so much cooler than this room now I'm staying. I miss being close to Tesco/Sainsbury's/Waitrose just to buy snacks and drinks (anaknya suka banget jajan). These whole 4 days I can't wait to go back to Headington, which now I pretty much called home.

The only things I love from being here are the forest and the pond (the other day I even saw a small deer? Googled it, it's called Muntjacs), and the fact that I got to buy Iced Caramel Macchiato so easily. And of course, the hospitality of Alex and James. AH! And also the isotope lab with a 17C degree AC on full blast. Well, now that I listed what I like here, it's not so bad though.... (the power of journaling).

Ah yes, back to the title post. Home. So, what's home to you? What's home to me? Can't believe what I'm going to say, but after not being in Headington for so long, I now can confidently say that 9 Woodlands Close is definitely my home. Heck, I've lived there for 10 months, how can I not call that place my home? It's definitely a comfortable space for me. It's a place where I feel safe doing anything I want without having to worry about a thing. I have spent my 27 years living and sleeping in >50? different beds and rooms, but I don't know why this one I'm sleeping in right now just feels so... wrong? Let's blame it on the heat, then.

*swith mode ke Bahasa Indonesia*

Terus berhubung lagi di RHUL juga dan tadi lihat foto-foto di dinding SEA-RG (ada Mas Igun, Mas Alfend, Mas Ega, wow banyak banget ya orang-orang geodin di RHUL ini), jadi keingetan how it was back then in Timor. Ini sebetulnya part of reflection juga sih, dari kemarin selalu mikir "kenapa ya kok w ga betah di sini, padahal tinggal di rumah kepala desa, di hotel di antah berantah, di kamar asrama sekolah sekamar sama ibu guru, di sleeping bag dalem tenda, di musola, pokoknya segala macem experience tidur tuh udah pernah ngerasain tapi nggak pernah ngerasa se..nggak nyaman ini. Padahal ini dipikir-pikir ya not bad juga: kasur empuk, bantal ada 2, kopi teh lengkap (tapi ya emang lebih ke panasnya ajasihya kayanya mah). Iya! Jadi pas di Timor juga ngerasain hal yang aneh tapi ku berani bilang: hotel timor megah di Soe was indeed my home. Ada waktu-waktu di mana kita split team (tim ku nginep di mobil/nyari hotel sambil jalan ke Betun dan Atambua, sempat nginep yang bareng Bang Nanda juga di desa mana tapi lupa yang hampir keseret sungai itu) dan pas lagi split team itu betul-betul can't wait to go back to Soe.

Pada akhirnya kesimpulan dari mikir-mikir dan ngomong-ngomong sendiri ini adalah: rumah itu ada tingkatannya.

Ada yang rumah betul-betul rumah di hati (basically place where we're growing up), in this case for me berarti adalah rumah kemuning.

Ada rumah yang di level nggak sedalem rumah tempat kita tumbuh, tapi we usually can't wait just to go back to that place when we're away for too long. In this case, sekarang bagi saya adalah 9 Woodlands Close, dulu pas di IFP berarti adalah IFP Residence 204 (selalu ga sabar ingin pulang kalau lagi field trip atau lagi ngetrip sendiri ke Itali waktu itu atau ke Jerman), kemudian kosan Bandung Cisitu Lama 1 kamarku yang kecil tapi sangat ngangenin, mana lagi ya... udah kayanya so far yg I'm attached ya baru 3 tempat ini untuk di level ini

Ada rumah sementara. Yang ditinggali tidak lebih dari 1 bulan tapi cukup membuat kangen karena sheltering us enough, tapi kalau disuruh milih mau tinggal di sini apa pulang ke rumah beneran ya mendingan pulang ke Jakarta: tadi si Hotel Timor Megah di Soe, kayanya Karsam bisa masuk grup ini, rumah Mbah Putri di Karanganyar, rumah Tante Nana (Mbah Putri Pedan), rumah Bude Reni, kosan di Balikpapan (ini lebih dari 1 bulan sih, tapi yang bikin ga nyaman sebetulnya lebih ke kondisi psikologis sayanya sih instead of physical tempatnya), wisma kartini!, P4TK jogja!, Hotel Bunga-bunga, si vila yang dekat Boscha itu apa sih namanya (Barusan ngecek google maps pake street view terus ketemu namanya adalah Pondok Buah Sinuan 2! Senang banget), Lotus Hotel, Dago's Hill. Iya udah sih itu aja kayanya yang inget untuk "home" di level ini.

Bukan "rumah" tapi lebih ke tempat yang pernah dikunjungi. No hard feeling or anything tapi kalau bisa milih banget mendingan nggak tidur di sini atau PP: sekarang di The Hub RHUL ini!, tempat-tempat ku menginap kalau lagi ngajar olim full 5-6 hari (ini ku-list dengan sambil liat google map, of course w ga hapal): hotel di Medan (Garuda Citra Hotel), hotel di Padangpanjang (namanya Wisma Pangeran rupanya), hotel Srikandi di Kendari, Wisma SMA Barana di Rantepao (OMG I submitted my Oxford application here! Inget banget itu mendekati 24 January 2020 deadlinenya), Muara Hotel di Ternate, rumah di MAN IC Sambas! (OMG w main tu jauh2 banget ya), KNO hotel di Lubuk Pakam, LPMP Sumbar di Padang (ini bagus btw kamarnya, w suka, seru bgt juga karena di sini rame ada Dewi dan Isna), Grand Zuri Padang, Premiere Pekanbaru, OYO Palembang waktu itu acaranya ISPG, Archipelago Carita acara student exchangenya UI sama UTP, MAN 4 Jakarta, Hotel Benua diminta ngisi SMA8Bandung ngesot ke TSM, Airy Buah Batu NGAMBIL DATA PALEOFLOOD CRI, Ardan Hotel ngisi pelatnas + wisudaan Mita, Hotel Mutiara Purwokerto, Semesta Semarang (lol jaman-jaman mendekati diputusin 2013), Hotel Siliwangi Semarang jalan kaki ke Lawang Sewu, Hotel Horison Kota Lama Semarang berenang sm Isna beres kelas + bela-belain ke sbux ngegojek, Villa Taman Eden Kaliurang OMG!, Hotel New Saphir Jogja (IESO dan terakhir acaranya FMIPA), MMUGM buat tes jadi dosen UGM ditemenin Papa, Swiss-Belinn Saripetojo (ini juga dianter jemput Papa apa ya kalo gasalah ke bandaranya), MAN 2 Malang (lupa nginep di MAN-nya apa gimana, kayanya w masi kecil bgt dulu), Bali Bay View Hotel! (ICES 2019 sesungguhnya adalah kenangan yang ingin kulupakan), yes udah itu aja kayanya yang w ingat. Ada crumbs2 macem pas OSN nginep di dekat BPK Penabur 1 dan dekat stasiun Senen juga, dan Mataram OSN jaman kapan lupa, + Medan OSN sebagai peserta juga, dan tempat-tempat fieldtrip jaman di IFP gitu, plus traveling2 yang nginep2 tapi ya udah yang lupa ya biarkan saja. Intinya kalau dihitung-hitung mungkin ada kali ya 1/7 waktu hidupku dihabiskan untuk tinggal di "rumah" level yang ini. Tapi ini juga yang bikin bingung, I mean, I'm not typically very picky in terms of sleeping place dan yaudah adaptasi aja, makanya kalau sampai ga betah dan pingin pulang tu sesuatu banget berarti.

Yaampun bikin post ini berujung 2 jam reminiscing places. Ya intinya jadi refleksi diri aja sih. Bagi 27-year-old Asri yang masih belum punya rumah sendiri ini, definisi home masih amat sangat ambigu. Dan mungkin akan masih terus ambigu entah sampai kapan(?) To be honest, settling down as in beli rumah terus tinggal selamanya di tempat itu sampai sekarang belum menjadi opsi hidup yang kubayangkan di masa depan. Masih pengen explore, mau ke US nyobain tinggal 1-2 tahun di sana, mau ke Middle East juga, mau coba tinggal di Korea juga, atau Japan? Melbourne looks like a pretty great place gara-gara kemarin habis nonton tripnya 2PM back then in 2016 itu. Yasudah mari berdoa saja semoga di mana pun kelak "rumah" itu nanti buat saya, yang penting adalah saya bahagia dan nyaman. Dan tentu saja juga: sehat, baik fisik maupun mental.

21:09 pm 22 July 2021// 3-08 The Hub Royal Holloway University of London, Egham, UK in a scorching 27C evening

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sri812 · 3 years

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Merubah Segalanya part 1

Maret 2019 awal pandemi Corona masuk ke Indonesia. Di mana masyarakat berbondong2 mebeli masker dan perlengkapan kesehatan lainnya. Tpi ga buat ku dan keluarga. Saat itu anak ku bru keluar RS karna mengalami demam tinggi d sertai batuk parah. Untungnya anak ku masuk RS 2hri sblm kasus pertama ter ekspos media. Mungkin klo anak ku masuk RS stelah kasus depok itu anak ku sdh d masukan ke rhang isolasi karna gejalanya mirip sekali dg gejala covid19.

Ga d situ aja. Awal pandemi bener2 awal baru buat ku dan keluarga. Stelah anak ku selesai rawat ibu ku tiba2 sakit. Gejala awal seperti magh dan d ikuti dg BAB berdarah. Jujur kita takut ke dr karna d sana banyak pasien terpapar covid. Yg kitaa fikir klo kita ke dr takut tertular.

Semakin hri kondisi ibu ku smakin ga jelas. Nafsu makan hilang,minum aja g mau. Akhirnya aku beranikan ajak ibu ku ke RS kta cri RS yg sepi dan pilih dr spesialis organ dalam. Sampe d ruangan dr trnyata ibu ku g boleh d dampingi. Dan jarak antara pasien dan dr sangat jauh dan juga d halangin pembatas. Jd konsul pun berasa ga bgt. Ibu ju d diagnosa wasir. Karna memang ciri2 sperti wasir. Konsul selesai dn d bekaki obat sesuai diagnosa laku pulng. Stelah d minum obat nya pendarahan pda saat bab berhenti. Tetapi rasa g nyaman d perut mash ada. Sampai obt pun habs ga ada perbedaan.

Pda suatu hri kondisi ibu ku drop. Aku dan keluarga lngsung bawa ke rs lagi. Tapi rs yg beda. Ku berharap ibu ku bsa d periksa kondisi dalam. Entah itu d usg atau apalah karna keluhannya d perut dan d iringin bab berdarah. Ternyata nihil. Dsana ibu ku cuma d suntikan anti nyeri dan obat lambung aja. Serta d beri obat anti pendarahan. Serta d diagnosa penyakit sama Wasir...

Stelah pulng rs kindisi ibu ku makin parah. Cuma bsa tiduran aja. Bb dri 65kg turun sampe 43kg. Tinggal tulang yg berbalut kulit. Aku bingung bgt saat itu. Sampai akhirnya suami ku nyaranin pergi ke klinik khusus wasir yg ada d daerh bekasi. Suami ku tau klinik itu karna memang kami sering lewatin tmpat itu kko kami mau ke bekasi timur.

Akhirnya kita buat janji utk kesana. Sampai dsana ibu ku melakukan tindakan anuskopi. Dmana d masukan alat ke dalam anus utk memeriksa tingkat keparahan wasir nya. Selesai tindakan dr menjelaskan kondisi. Dg raut muka yg rada beda dan kaget. Aku dan keluarga jg merasa aneh dan tambaha takut. Ternyata..bener buka wasir. Tetapi ada benjolan d usus besar tepatnya d rektum. Sekitar 8cm dri anus..KAGET bukan main. Seperti kesamber petir... cobaan apa ini ya allah?

#tumorrektum

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selenaaelia · 4 years

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Let me tell you story why my mom is superhero in my life❤

There's no word can describe how much i truly madly deeply in love with her, my beautiful Mom❤

Hari ini, tiba tiba pengen aja cerita sedikit (eh banyak, deng!) ke kalian tentang super hero of my life, its because of my grateful and happiness feeling to have her in this world. Pernah gak sih, suddenly you thinking a lot awal perjalanan kalian setelah dilahirkan (diceritain ini yaa, ofc aku gak ngerti dewe wkwk) sampe saat ini. Suddenly, ketika kalian berfikir tentang hal itu, ada seorang aktor heroik yang selalu muncul di rollercoaster alias up and down kehidupan kalian. Pasti pernah kan? (kalo gak pernah lets try buat kilas balik kehidupan kalian, ya! Hehe). Nah, td sore sebelum buka ada suatu kejadian yang bikin gue mikir keras buat kilas balik dan yaaa tbtb mberebes mili aja. And i decided to curcol ke kalian sedikit, hehe. Mungkin dengan curcol an malemku ini kalian juga akhirnya memutuskan kilas balik and feeling soooo grateful to have your special person in your life!

My superduper hero person in my life that i wanna tell you is my mom. Mungkin keliatan klise yaa tapi heem i think i have lots of good chemistry w/ her all the time.

Mama.

We all know, struggle terbesar dari seorang ibu adalah ketika dia melahirkan seorang anak. Daan yaa, mama always told me kalo ketika melahirkan aku itu everything doesn't walk fluently. Waktu hpl mama adalah mei 98. All of indonesian know that time is the critical eleven from history of this country. Kerusuhan dimana-mana, krisis moneter, orang pada takut keluar rumah daan masih banyak lagi. My mom, sbg orang hamil jelas makin cemas dengan keadaan sekitar yg lagi kyk gitu. Ditambah, its my mom first time to have a child. Tau kan gimana paniknya seorang perempuan ketika pertama kali melahirkan yaa karena belum berpengalaman yaa.. Alhamdulillah, meskipun gak sesuai HPL, aku lahir dengan normal tapiiii eh tapiii ada kendala dong ternyata. Ketuban mama pecah. Aku lahir dalam keadaan sudah minum air ketuban dan kelilit tali pusar (jaman itu mama pake bidan, jadi kek gaktau gitu yee). So, aku lahir tapi menimbulkan kecemasan dan kata mama dia smpe nangis panik bukan bahagia pas aku lahir. Anaknya lahir dalam keadaan membiru dan gak nangis sama sekali seperti bayi pada biasanya. Tapi Allah masih menakdirkan kehidupan sm aku yaa, alhamdulillah waktu itu ada om mamaku yang dokter and all the things solve karena dia balik badanku gitu (kepala dibawah kaki diatas), ditepuk" biar keluar air ketubannya. And suddenly, i cried and yell a lot hehe. Menurutku, hal itu dramatis dan penuh perjuangan, karena melahirkan itu penuh peluh dan usaha besar dari seorang ibu.

Mama.

Dalam perjalanan awal hidupku, mama is the first person who taught me everything. Dia mengajariku untuk tetap tangguh pada mimpi-mimpiku yang sedari kecil banyaaak bgttt (mulai dari jadi penyanyi, astronot sampe jadi detektif, haha), selalu mendorongku buat percaya diri akan keinginanku (dulu aku suka nyanyi bgt, daan mama selalu kasih kesempatan aku buat ikut lomba sana sini), memberiku banyak pengetahuan ttg dunia (she is the first person yg memperkenalkan aku dengan dunia perbukuan, penulisan, bahasa asing. Masih inget bgttt aku suka novel detektif karena mama ngasih aku novel lima sekawan jaman kelas 1 sd) dan dia yang memberiku kesempatan untuk menjadi teman ceritanya (i mean, she always tells me everything of her life trouble and sifatnya yg friendly sekaligus terbuka sama anaknya ttg apapun) yang dr hal itu mengajarkanku untuk jd orang yg selalu terbuka dan mendiskusikan segala sesuatunya.

Perjuangan mama membesarkan aku dan adek"ku gak semudah yang dibayangkan. Internal or external problems pasti adaaa aja yang menghadang mama. Tapi mama selalu positive thinking dan bilang, "Yakin fel, selama kita believe to Allah, dibalik awan kelabu ini pasti ada hari dimana matahari akan terik". Daan, aku belajar satu hal dari mama mulai saat itu. Ketika kamu sudah menjadi seorang ibu, semua ego, keinginan dan perasaan sedihmu harus perlahan kamu singkirkan jauh jauh, karena semuanya skrng hanya demi anak. Yaa demi anaknya. Aku tahu dan paham, ketika ada some problem, mama gak ingin terlihat nangis alias sedih didepan anak-anaknya, sampai kadang dia nangis sambil pura-pura tidur, atau juga pas tengah malam saat mama shalat malam. I hear that and i know that :( Mama juga menyingkirkan ego dan keinginannya untuk terlihat cantik dengan beli barang" kebutuhannya. Ini semua dikesampingkan yaa demi anak-anaknya :( Waktu itu, meski aku masih sd yaa, tapi aku udh dikit banyak tau ttg rollercoaster external dan internal mama, and because of that aku merasa sedikit mature sebelum waktunya. Bahkan, aku hafal dan tahu betul raut mama yang meski datar tapi hatinya lagi nangis... (mbrebes mili aku:( huhu)

Mama.

Lagi, kalo cerita my heroik actress ini gak bakal ada habisnya memang. Apalagi yang berkaitan sama aku dan moments yg masih fresh and flesh diingatan. You know, i wanna tell you a little bit story of me dr beberapa tahun yg lalu. Perjuanganku dulu (mental dan fisik) pas di pondok gak semudah yang aku bayangkan. Aku sering sakit aneh" (menurutku ini karena homesick ya) dan mentalku kayak selalu terjun jatuh bebas lalu dilempar jauh lagi keatas. Aku dulu sering nangis pas telpon mama (ini dramaku jaman takhasus sama 2 MA). Alasannya satu, aku gak betah dan aku pengen pindah. Dibilang gak betah itu yaa gak sepenuhnya gak betah. Fifty fifty lah yaa. Aku suka hidup dipondok, punya banyak temen dr berbagai kota, pengalaman baru, bisa ngenyam pendidikan agama dan menghafal quran (karena selama ini gue hafalnya lagu aja yee maklum pen jadi penyanyi haha), daaan masih banyak alasan lain. Tapi banyak juga hal hal yang menjatuhkan mentalku sejatuh jatuhnya dan bikin aku overthinking all that time. "Pengen pindah maa, aku pengen kuliahnya samaan kyk temen2 smpku" daaan hal hal yg lain lah yg sulit kutuangkan dalam kata kata disini. Tapi mama, yaa mama, selalu menguatkan aku dengan kata"nya, seolah memberikan perisai hebat yang bikin aku balik lagi menjadi pribadi yg betah (jaman itu ini bertahan seminggu dua minggu nanti balik lagi kadang nangisan atau ngerengek, nelponnya sambil pergi jauh dr anak anak biar gak ada yang tau, haha. Isin soale, fela kok ngrengekan wkwkw). YaAllah, tapi mama superduper sabar dan kasih berbagai cara anaknya biar betah disana. Nasehatnya, bolak balik jengukkannya (padahal mama kdng pas sakit), yaaaang semua itu bikin aku tangguh sampai 5 tahun, akhir pengabdian, lulus, dan darisitulah aku merasakan all the positive things yg aku pelajari dari pondok. Ini semua yaa tidak bukan dan tidak lain karena usaha keras dan doa tiap malam mama yg pada akhirnya membuat anaknya yg begajulan ini betah sampai akhir di penjara suci.

Cerita masih berlanjut (panjang amat yaa! wkwk). The fresh moments that i still remember tentang act mama buat aku adalah awal ketika aku lulus dr pondok. Perjuangan buat kuliahku itu sebenernya penuh suka duka (actually, banyak dukanya, deng!). Pas pengabdian, karena aku telat 2 tahun buat kuliah, i really prepared it. Waktu itu aku pengen kuliah di LN, daan negara yang paling proporsional urusan beasiswa S1 pada waktu itu buat cewek kek aku cuma turki. Karena berkas-berkasnya yg disiapin super duper banyak, sedangkan waktu itu deadline mepet, otomatislah aku butuh bantuan. Mama always gives her hands to help me. Disaat baba gak setuju akan segala sesuatu ttg kuliah (apalagi di LN), mama mendukung aku sepenuh hati. Bantu ngurus berkas sana sini, nemenin belajar toefl tiap sabtu, ngasih ide buat motivation letter yang bagus gimana. Padahal aku tau, mama sebenernya pengen bgtt aku nemenin mama dirumah (i mean, kuliah di jawa lah minimal). Tapi mama bilang, "buat mimpimu apa yang engga". Padahal dia kadang bilang sedih dan mikir bgtt kalo aku diterima turkiye burslari scholarship nanti gimana. Tapi dia ttp dukung penuh akuuu dan mimpiku.

Jaman sbmptn dan ujian mandiri adalah masa sulit sulitnya gengs. Mungkin perjuanganku belum seberapa dibanding kalian disana yang sudah berkali kali tes. Tapi kesempatanku tes cuma tinggal dua, tahun itu (pas aku lulus pengabdian) atau tahun depannya lagi. Dan aku tahu, kalo aku setahun nganggur dirumah buat tes tahun depannya lagi karena gak lulus, bakal jadi big disaster year alias kalo gak disuruh rabi yaa dirumah tok. Jadi aku tekad, mau gak mau yaa harus lulus tahun ini. Dan, over and over again, semua itu karena dukungan mama aku bs bangkit dari jatuh. Sbmptn, udah mbelani tes di jogja demi UGM tercinta, aku gagal. Tes UTUL UGM demi univ impian ke jogja lagi, aku gagal. Dan waktu pengumuman UTUL itu berbarengan besoknya pengumuman turkiye burslari, and i didn't receive any good news. Babaku, yang sejak awal menentang cewek buat kuliah wes hilang kesabaran. Aku tambah ditentang keras buat keinginan kuliah, ditambah lagi beribu alasan yg intinya gak baik lah buat cewek kuliah. Aku, yang saat itu masih disemangati setengah mati sama mama buat ujian mandiri univ lain lemes. I knew something, why i can't go to my dreamy university. I have a feeling. Karena dr awal, mungkin dia (red: baba) kurang rela aku mengenyam pendidikan lagi entah apa alasan sebenarnya. Waktu itu, aku bener" ditentang buat keluar daftar dan lain sebagainya. Udah bisa dikatakan game over lah mentalku buat bangkit pengen kuliah. Nangis ae kerjaane di kamar, gak mau keluar kamar, haduh ws gak karuan. Tapi Mama, yaa sekali lagi mama dan segala kerendahan hatinya lah yang membuat aku bangkit lagi. Mama yang selalu jadi tamengku. Mama that always being front frontier in my life. Mama yang istilahnya kalo orang jawa 'mbelani meski tukaran batin'. Daan yaa mama, yaa mama yang menghidupkan kembali mimpi"ku. Kata-kata yang waktu itu jadi boosterku dr mama ke aku waktu itu, "Fel, menjadi perempuan itu bukan penghalang kamu buat berpendidikan. Karena anakmu kelak butuh ibu yang berpengetahuan luas." Dari situ, aku semakin realize bahwa perjuangan kuliahku ini bukan sekadar perjuangan mengenyam pendidikan aja, tapi ini perjuangan panjang untuk mendidik anak" masa depanku kelak.

Dari situ aku mulai belajar lagi, mulai menata hati dan keinginan lagi (makasih mama!). Dan mama, berusaha mati matian merubah persepsi babaku yang mungkin kerasnya rada kayak batu biar luluh dan membiarkan anaknya tes kuliah lagi (aku ngerti, mungkin there's reason beside of his statement). Daan pada akhirnya dia membolehkan aku tes lagi ke jogja dan sby, sampe bla bla bla akhirnya kuliah di UINSA gaiss! (maaf gak sesuai ekspektasi ke UGM, WKWK). Masuk situ perlu disyukuri, lho! Meski jauh berbeda dari mimpi, tapi perjuangan mama yang bikin aku rasanya pengen nangis waktu diterima di UINSA. Makasih maa!!

Sebenernya, masih banyak peluh dukungan dari mama setelah kejadian itu sampai saat ini. Tapi kalo diceritain detail mungkin bakal sebuku sendiri, haha! Intinya, I'm very and really grateful to Allah that sends me mom like her.

Akhir kata, kita gak tau kapan kita atau orang tersayang kita (disadari atau tidak disadari) dijemput oleh kematian. Selagi ada kesempatan waktu, coba kilas balik perjalanan kita dan ingat siapa saja orang disekitar kita yang banyak membantu rollercoaster kehidupan kita. Jangan lupa bersyukur sama Allah dikasih kesempatan krn bisa dipertemukan dengan mereka, syukuri kehadiran mereka dan thanks to her/him! Jangan sampai karena kesalahan kecil dr mereka, kita sampai terbutakan dan lupa akan segala kebaikan mereka saat disisi kita, yaa!

Once again, thanks mama for everything you give to me:)

#grateful #mom #quoteoftheday

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hg-aneh · 7 months

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Hi! I absolutely love all of your art and I’ve been fallowing you for awhile! There’s been some rumors that you ship Muriel x crowley?? Which I guess is an odd paring but nothing terrible wrong with, I was just curious if you do ship them.

Thank you for all your wonderful art <3

okay, i want to preface this by saying that I've already been harassed over this to the point of being called a lowkey pedophile and having every little move of mine scrutinized and misconstrued to sickening extents (this harassment spilled over to my partner too, and it was horrible)

so all anyone would do by doing this again would be repeating history, among other things that have to do with fucking up my already frail mental state

now.

onto the meat

yes, I ship it

no, I do not see Muriel as a child, kid, teenager, or anything of the sort and I find it personally distasteful to think of doing so because infantilizing autistic traits rubs me the wrong way (p e r s o n a l l y)

you can do it if you want to, I have worse things to worry about than a random person on the internet thinking something of a fictional character, just don't try to push your headcanon onto me just because you perceive it that way or because it's a popular dynamic that you find fun

adding onto this, i want to add that i will never and i mean fucking NEVER post anything related to that ship outside of the very specific private Xitter account i created for it

(and my personal facebook, on a friends only setting)

any Muriel & Crowley content outside of that account is all platonic and bla bla you get the gist. I can separate things, what a talent.

Now, I'm being overly paranoid and explaining myself to exhaustion over this for a very good reason and it's because last time someone found out about it ((yes we're going full circle to the beginning of this little bible)) they treated it as some sort of GOTCHA moment about me being a pedo ((and if you didn't know this already: I fucking despise children with my whole being, I'd rather be forcefed alligator shit for my whole life than be with one of those creatures for a single day))

It got to the point of that person making extremely hurtful videos about me and their little friend group comprised of goober eating toddlers joining in on the "Hater" train or whatever the hell that new cultural trend is called, as well

It was hell, that whole experience fucked me up BAD and i feel silly for saying this but it was genuinely traumatic! So- I apologize if I'm sounding confrontational here, anon, but like, this is the type of thing you have to do to keep yourself safe now, it's gone to that point and I'm in hysterics now because what the fuck

Lastly, I'd like to say this one other thing

Muriel is played by an adult actress, they are canonically the same age as Aziraphale and Crowley and are also an eldritch creature just like them

The fact that they're nice and bubbly and happen to have autistic traits doesn't suddenly make them a fetus. I have friends with the same personality type as them and I feel like it'd be dumb to treat them like zygotes knowing they're adults with body hair and debt

Again, if you see them as one, I'm literally no one to judge, I'm 1.49, you're better off taking judgement from a stupid lone penguin in the saharan desert.

But don't fuck with others for thinking otherwise, it's not a moral issue to disagree with a headcanon, please. 🥲

#aneh answers #aneh cries #im still not over that whole thing bruh it fucked me up good #aneh wont shut up #and thank you anon #and also sorry #this shit is looooong #disk horse #discourse

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dancewithmywings · 4 years

Text

Gimana Kabarnya?

"Hai, Wind, gimana kabarnya sekarang?”

Jujur, 2020 ditanya kayak gitu, susah mau ngasih jawaban. Mau jawab baik, tapi aslinya nggak baik. Mau jawab nggak baik, tapi jauh lebih baik daripada beberapa orang di luar sana.

Yang pasti, saya datang kembali ke laman saya yang mulai usang ini. Tiba-tiba keinget udah lama banget nggak nulis setelah mampir ke sebuah laman Tumblr milik rekan kerja yang isi tulisannya itu enak dibaca, dan bikin saya pengen nulis lagi. So, here I am.

Kembali kepada kabar, kemana saja saya selama ini?

Jawabannya dua; Nggak kemana-mana, dan melarikan diri.

Nggak kemana-mana, betul. Masih disini-sini aja, masih bisa ditemui di beberapa laman media sosial, masih berisik di Twitter, sebagian lagi masih sangat betah mendekam di ruang kantor hingga malam hari meski sebenarnya sudah bisa pulang, masih nggak jago narinya (Wkwkwk), masih suka banget sama SHINee, masih suka ngelamun, masih cengeng, dan masih berharap ada yang peduli sama saya. Rumit.

Melarikan diri? Ya, melarikan diri dari beberapa laman media sosial yang sengaja tidak mau dibuka kembali, melarikan diri dari dunia menari dan teman-teman menari saya selama hampir 3 tahun (beneran, ini nggak salah baca kok), melarikan diri dari rasa sepi dengan mencurahkan seluruh perhatian kepada kantor dan seisinya (meski sadar kalo memang keberadaan saya nggak terlalu berpengaruh sih), melarikan diri dari kenyataan bahwa ada beberapa orang yang saya sayangi harus pergi meninggalkan dunia.

Waduh, kayaknya kok saya melarikan diri dari yang sedih-sedih, yah? But the good about this things is pelarian saya sempat bikin saya merasakan punya rambut lurus dan gampang diatur (dan harus kuakui selama itu saya kangen rambut keriting saya), juga mempertemukan saya kepada ONE OK ROCK dan MY FIRST STORY, dan sebuah rangkaian fanfiction di Wattpad yang bikin saya sempat nulis fanfic lagi (kemudian kena writer’s block lagi).

Jadi apa alasan saya masih disini dan melarikan diri?

[Trigger warning] 18 Desember 2017. Nggak perlu saya jelasin disini, bukan hal ini juga akan saya bahas pada tulisan ini.

Jadi, Windy baik-baik saja, nih?

Ya nggak juga, sih.

2020, terutama Maret, bukan waktu yang mudah untuk dilalui semua orang di Jabodetabek. COVID19 mengubah segalanya, dalam artian sebenarnya. Tadinya saya pikir ini ‘hanya’ soal virus yang nggak akan terlalu ngaruh sama susunan organisasi dan jobdesk saat ini. Nyatanya, susunan organisasi dan jobdesk juga berubah. Yang tadinya bisa dilakukan, jadi nggak bisa dilakukan. Yang tadinya nggak pernah kepikiran untuk dilakukan, jadi mau nggak mau dilakukan untuk menyelamatkan perusahaan dan para karyawannya, termasuk para mitranya.

Sedikit cerita, sejak awal 2019, saya dapet jobdesk yang mendekati dengan posisi pekerjaan yang saya mau di perusahaan startup ride hailing ini. Jobdesk saya ini namanya Screening. Kerjaannya ngapain? Saya nge-screening/memilah berkas (dalam bentuk soft copy) yang masih dalam kondisi baik dan ‘bentuknya tidak mencurigakan’, juga nggak dalam kondisi expired. Selain itu juga background check di lingkungan dan di aplikasi ride hailing. Biasanya, di dua terakhir ini suka ada ketemu yang aneh-aneh, atau malah yang masuk daftar hitam. I do really love my job.

Dan jobdesk saya ini bertahan hingga Maret 2020.

Maret 2020, seiring dengan semakin banyak kasus positif COVID19 di wilayah Jakarta, perusahaan mau tidak mau mengambil langkah untuk memberlakukan shifting team; tim kami dipecah menjadi dua dan rotasi hari kerja, dimana sebagian dari kami masih masuk kantor, sebagian lagi work from home. Hal ini udah mulai bikin saya agak stres sejujurnya. Hingga akhirnya, sebagian besar dari kami (saya beserta banyak teman-teman lainnya) harus rela untuk diberdayakan di divisi lain.

Salah satu petinggi di kantor saya sempat bilang diawal kami semua waktu pindah divisi, “Kalian dipindahin mungkin bisa sementara, mungkin bisa sementahun”. Dari kalimat dengan kosakata yang baru sekali saya dengar itu, entah kenapa saya langsung sadar, kemungkinan besar saya memang nggak bakal sebentar berada diluar divisi saya yang sebelumnya.

Divisi baru, bos dan teammates baru, jobdesk baru, penyesuaian lagi dengan lokasi kerja baru. Gampang? Tentu saja nggak, apalagi buat saya yang sangat individualis, dan let’s just say, lambat nangkep.

Ada kendala yang cukup mengganggu and it makes me stressed a lot, I do even cried a lot, too, because I don’t understand any single thing. Satu hal yang saya pegang kuat sampai sekarang saat bekerja adalah saya harus paham dulu kerjaan saya tuh tentang apa, mau dibawa gimana, dan tahu apa yang dikerjakan. Urusan ngolah data masih bisa pake logika. I cried a lot and I finally told my boss (pada waktu itu), and thank God, he understood my difficulties. Jadi saya dipindah ke divisi lain lagi. So far, kerjaannya bisa saya kerjakan. Beruntungnya saya, divisi yang sekarang ini ada beberapa rekan yang pernah kerja bareng saya sebelumnya. Jadi mudah-mudahan saya nggak terlalu kesepian.

But still, the stress is real.

Jangan tanya kenapa kok saya masih bisa bertahan, saya sendiri juga nggak paham. Mungkin saya termasuk orang yang high-functioning depressions, alias orang depresi yang masih bisa kerja kayak orang normal. While I thought the depressions is real inside of me, but since it’s just a self diagnostic because I never had a counseling session, I’m not really sure about what is happening to me.

I feel the pressures, yes. I’m not happy, yes. I feel depressed, yes. I’m overthinking, yes.

But I functioning like a normal person, even though most of the times (during this pandemic) I have many things to do but I didn’t do it at all.

Jadi, apakah Windy baik-baik saja?

...I don’t know. Lately, I don’t even feel like myself.

Saya berharap saya tahu apa yang terjadi dengan saya.

Sementara itu, yang bisa saya lakukan sekarang adalah bertahan hidup dengan sebaik-baiknya...

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movedyourchair505 · 5 years

Text

Napule Nights - diciassette

I cheated my own list again so here’s NN (also smutty though). Thanks to Elana for always helping x

- chapter navigation -

Alexander didn't look pleased as he pulled her into the room after him, the door falling shut in an instant. His eyes were dark, no trace left of his benevolence from just moments ago and she could hardly speak before his thick voice cut through the silence of the isolated room.

“Wha' do yeh fink yeh're doin'?” He spat through gritted teeth.

Jade tensed. “Me?” She questioned, raising her eyebrows in confusion. This time she really had not done anything that could have possibly angered him. Unless...

“Yes, Jade. Dun't see aneh other promiscuous women 'ere...”

“Pro-...” She stopped herself, now taking a step towards him herself. “Because some horndog used a corny pick-up line on me I'm promiscuous now?” She huffed with amusement, shaking her head and turning away from him, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

He closed the space between them with ease, making her walk backwards as he came towards her until her back hit the mirrored wall. He didn't have to touch her, it was like he could make her move with merely a look of his eyes.

“You really get off on this, don't you?” She held his gaze, the intensity of it almost bringing her to her knees, and she had to gather all her confidence to resist. Not this time. “You can't stand not being in control and this is all you've got to get there.” She paused, licking her lips. “Intimidation.”

The corner of his mouth twitched upwards, his fingers stretching, he was aching to put his hands on her, to touch her in any way possible, it didn't matter where or how. He just needed to feel her tremble under his touch. He chuckled. “Yeh like this, Jade, dun't yeh deny it. Tha's why yeh never shut up, why yeh alwaehs disobey meh...”

She'd been desperate to end up in this position again, especially after being so worried that it was not going to happen again after what she'd dared to do shoved down under his desk. But he still wanted more. She could work with that. She could provoke him until he lost himself, until he'd allow himself to slip over the edge. “You don't know me, Turner.”

His eye twitched and he pressed his lips together, his hand suddenly gripping on to her hip, a slight nudge to press her back against the wall and stepping closer, his face inches away from hers. “Yeh dun't believe tha' for a fookin' second...” he drawled. “Make no mistake, Jade, I kno' yeh. I kno' 'ow yehr mind works, wha' yehr bodeh responds teh...”

Jade swallowed hard, desperately trying to not react in an attempt to disregard the truth in his words. “Yeah?” She asked, the only challenge she could muster with the way he looked at her, with the way the sleeves of shirt strained over the muscles of his arms, sheer and tight, half-undone at the front, his tanned chest exposed. There was not a hair on his head out of place, the dark locks impeccably slicked back and the look on his face was hard, unchanged, calm. But there was something, a flicker of danger, mischief.

“Yeah” he said, his voice deep, collected. “I kno' wha' yeh want.”

She licked her lips, trying to cover for a shaky exhale. “Is that so?”

“Spare us bof the doubts and the questions, doll.” He scratched his nose with the back of his hand, his eyes locked with hers, darkening when he stepped closer. “Weh bof kno' I'm rehyt.”

Before she could ask, challenge him again, he pressed his flat hand to her collarbone, dragging it up until it closed around her neck, his fingers cold, their movement slow, tortuous.

“This is wha' yeh want, innit?”

She sucked in a breath, knowing there was no concealing the way her heart was racing, the way he was driving her mad within mere seconds, the way she already ached for him. He was right. He knew exactly how her body worked. “You were jealous, weren't you?”

His jaw locked, his lip twitching. “Yeh never learn, do yeh?” His grip tightened around her neck, the silent rage building his voice.

She whimpered, pressing her lips together instantly when she heard the sound slipping out, but her body betrayed her, lifting off the wall to just press herself closer than him. Immediately, a sense of regret rushed through her.

His lips curled into a mocking smile, there was no dulling his satisfaction. “Reyht...” he chuckled. “Yeh kno' wha' I realleh dun't understand though...”

She breathed out shakily, her only defense now to hold his gaze, to not give away more of how badly she needed him, swallowing hard, his thumb pressing into the soft skin under her chin.

“Weh bof kno' wha' yeh want...” he drawled. “Why do yeh act up, Jade? Yeh could 'ave wha' yeh want so easileh...”

Bastard. He said that now, but what part of his cold demeanor when she was around him suggested that she could have him if she just said. The blank expressions on his face, the pokes at her ego? The threats and demands?

“I-I'll remember that...” Her voice wasn't nearly as steady as she would have liked, but it did the trick. It got a reaction.

“Oh, yeh remember tha', alreyht?” He drawled. “Mark me words, Jade. The moment yeh come teh meh and beg meh take yeh, teh make yeh cry me name until yehr throat is sore … I will give yeh exactleh wha' yeh want.”

She breathed out shakily, the filth dripping from his thick voice clouding her senses, her mind firing images at her that she knew she'd never forget, the memory of him pounding her so vivid, she knew she was already soaking for him. “A-Alexander...”

He smirked. “Yes, doll? I kno' tha' sounds easeh, dun't it? But yeh … yeh're too proud. Even wif yehr juices runnin' down yehr legs, yeh still 'ave teh beh a fookin' brat, dun't yeh?” He once again applied pressure with his fingers around her throat, his eyes dark, and merciless.

Without a warning, his hand fell from her hip to hike up the skirt of her dress, the hard fabric bunching around her waist and with ease, he pushed his knee forward to force her legs apart, his fingers finding their way to her folds, the flimsy fabric of her thong not hiding much and she whimpered as his rough fingertips came in contact with her heat, gathering the embarrassing amount of wetness. “Tha's wha' I thought...”

She gasped as he shoved two of his fingers inside her, her knees buckling and he pressed his body against hers to hold her up, his eyes never leaving hers. He wanted to watch what he did to her, gripped her throat tighter the second her eyes fell shut.

“Please...” she cried, her hips instantly bucking forward to get his fingers to sink deeper inside her.

“Please?” He repeated, his tone mocking, teasing. “Look at meh when I'm touchin' yehr cunt, doll.”

She forced her eyes open and looked back at him, crying out when he moved his fingers fast inside her, starting fucking her effortlessly, enjoying the look on her face immensely, the desperation, the need, her burning desire.

She thought back to the last time they'd been in that room, the way she'd almost made him lose control with how she'd danced for him and how much had happened since then, how desperate she'd been craving him then to let go the way he finally did now.

“Tha's it...” he drawled, curling his fingers roughly inside her, her body trembling forward and she whined, needy, her hand gripping his shoulder. “Eyes on meh.”

She whimpered, it was like his eyes were searing hers, it made her so much more aware of her reactions, the way she looked back at him, what he saw now as opposed to last time when he'd done everything he could to not look at her, to not have her look at him. But there was no hiding how badly she wanted him, her eyes threatening to close, her lips parted, little moans rolling of her tongue as he drove his fingers in and out of her, curling them inside her over and over again, she couldn't get enough, her hips gravitating towards his touch, she pressed herself against him desperately.

“Yeh missed tha', didn't yeh?” He drawled, his hands moving from her neck down her body, gripping at her breasts, though restricted by the hard material of her dress.

She could feel his strong heartbeat in his chest, the muscles in his bicep straining. Her breathing was shallow and she ached to unwind him as well.

He buried his fingers deep inside her, curled them once again, moving them faster into that spot over and over again, her body jerking forward and she lost her balance, her head falling down on his shoulder and he held her up against the wall.

“I asked yeh summat” he growled. He could feel her shaky breaths, little sighs against his bare skin, swallowing hard when he suddenly felt something else entirely, her soft lips attaching to his neck, sucking eagerly, her teeth sinking into his skin and his composure faltered, the movements of his fingers ceasing, his eyes fluttering shut. He exhaled sharply, a strangled sigh falling from his lips.

Her body curved into his when she felt him relax, reveling in the feeling of finally marking him, but just when she was about to make sure it would really stick, his hand was in her hair, he snapped out of it, pulling her head back and she whined, her eyes fluttering open to meet his, dark with rage and she knew that now she'd really messed up.

“Wha' the fook do yeh fink yeh're doin'?” He spat, his voice calm, yet threatening and he drew his fingers out of her quickly.

She whimpered at the loss, her empty walls closing around nothing and she pushed her hips forward in a desperate attempt to get him to touch her again but she was trapped between him and the wall now, the mark on his neck already fading.

“Yeh dun't get teh touch meh the way I touch yeh” he groaned. “Yeh dun't get teh mark meh the way I mark yeh...”

Before she could protest, beg him even, he grabbed her hips and spun her around. “Turn around” he growled, pushing her against the mirror, his fingers wrapping around the back of her neck. “Yeh realleh 'ave sum nerve, Jade...”

“Alexander...” she whimpered.

“Wha'? Yeh still makin' demands after tha'?”

The need growing in the pit of her stomach was becoming unbearable, he'd driven her to the edge and left her there, his hot touch building her up even more, the way he held her down, the way he took complete control of her, it made her want him more than anything. “Please...” she cried. “Please fuck me.”

“The fing is, Jade...” he drawled, swallowing hard, his jaw tense. “I might kno' wha' yeh want but … tha' dun't mean yeh're gunna get it.”

“B-But...”

“I kno', I kno'. I'm aware o' wha' I said, doll. But tha's not wha' I were talkin' about … tha's onleh for when yeh're a good girl, when yeh dun't disobey meh and talk back teh meh before yeh submit. Understood?”

She swallowed, her cheek pressed against the cold mirror. The dull throbbing between her legs was growing more and more prominent, hotter and gradually unbearable.

“Jade … I asked yeh summat.”

“U-Understood...” she whimpered, her breath shaking, fogging the mirror.

“Mmmm...” he hummed, stepping back and just holding her against the wall, contemplating, taking his sweet time when she was so desperate for him to just give in and screw her against the wall. “Look at yehrself … so fookin' needeh...” He exhaled slowly. “Now, wha' am I gunna do wif yeh? I'm gettin' realleh bored of 'avin' teh put yeh in yehr place over and over and over again...”

She froze, the word worrying her more than anything. If there was something she didn't want him to be with her, it was bored. “Please...”

“Please wha'?” He groaned. “Please punish yeh? Because I fink tha's wha' I'm gunna do...”

Her breath hitched in her throat as he dragged his hand over her bare ass, toying with the string of her thong. “Because you're jealous?”

He lifted his hand again and it landed back on her ass with a smack, his lips now pressed close to her ear. “Dun't fookin-” He took a breath. “Yeh joost take too maneh liberties, dun't yeh? Not joost now but … whenyeh were joost so 'ungreh for meh, yeh couldn't keep yehr mouth off me cock...”

Smack.

“I told yeh, yeh'd regret it...” He spoke slowly. “I told yeh yeh wouldn't get aweh wif it...”

She yelped, crying out desperately. She didn't know how she'd ever thought she'd just get away with it, how she'd gotten her hopes up. But now, she really didn't want him to let her get away with it. She wanted him to snap, to bruise and to fuck her again as he pleased. But she knew what he wanted.

“Please punish me.”

He chuckled, another smack to her already reddening, stinging skin silencing her instantly. “Oh, but this isn't gunna cut it this time...”

She held her breath when he stepped away, his hands leaving her and she breathed out with relief when she heard him unbuckle his belt, only turning around in confusion to look over her shoulder when no sound of a zipper followed, her body tensing when she saw him starting to wind his belt around his hand, gripping the buckle, half of it dangling freely.

Few things had ever given Alexander the satisfaction that the look on her face gave him when she figured out how he planned to proceed. The divine mixture of the excitement it sparked in her eyes and the realisation that she was completely at his mercy. As much as he wanted to put her in her place, as much he enjoyed the upper hand, it pleased him more than anything that she wanted him to do this.

“Beg.”

Her breath hitched in her throat. “W-What?”

“Yeh 'eard meh, pupa...” He said, swallowing as his eyes wandered up and down her body before locking eyes with her again, stepping closer to her and taking hold of her hair to force her head to turn so she was looking at herself in the mirror. “Yeh're gunna beg meh teh punish yeh and yeh're gunna look at meh.”

Her eyes snapped up and she breathed out shakily, his gaze enough to have her trembling. She swallowed. “Punish me” she whispered.

He chuckled darkly. “I'm afraid I can't 'ear yeh, doll...”

She whimpered as he tugged slightly on her hair and she forced herself to look at him in the mirror, his face so close to hers, his chest pressed close enough to her back that she could feel his heart beating, hers leaping twice as fast. “Please, Alexander...” she repeated, her voice now even more desperate, but it was exactly what he wanted. “Please punish me for disobeying you.”

He couldn't suppress a low groan, stepping back once again without breaking eye contact and with one quick flick of his wrist, the belt smacked against her already red skin with a sharp sound that made her lurch forward, her eyes closing temporarily, a soft whine falling from her lips. “F-Fuck...”

“No, no...” he said slowly, shaking his head. “Tha's not wha' yeh say...”

She whimpered, the throbbing between her legs matched the throb of her skin where he'd slapped her. “T-Thank you...”

“Mmmm, tha's it...” he drawled, reaching back only to bring the belt down on the other side.

“Oh, f-f- thank you...” she cried, tears stinging in her eyes from just the second blow, but the belt burned so much worse than his hand had and yet, she found herself craving more, already tensing as she waited for another whip.

Alex hadn't been focused on her eyes exclusively, he enjoyed the slow change of colour in her skin too much, the way her body curved against the wall and then back towards him, the way her lip trembled. But that didn't stop him from insisting she looked at him and he gave her another smack with the belt before stepping forward and wrapping his fingers around the back of her neck again to pull her head back with her hair. “Are yeh still disobeyin' meh even while I'm alreadeh punishin' yeh?”

“I-I'm sorry...” she whimpered, her shiny eyes staring right into his in the mirror again.

Alex almost got lost again, got lost in how much he craved her, how much he enjoyed this and how much he admired her endurance, her confidence, her ability to wrap him around her little finger so effortlessly. She was truly a picture. And he needed more. “And?” He growled.

Her breathing shallow she tried to focus, to make sense of what he wanted among the cloud of lust and desire that blurred her mind. “T-Thank you...” she finally managed.

“Mmmm, sì...” He drawled, let go of her hair and smoothed his hand down her warm back, her burning ass. “I kno' yeh can beh good if yeh want teh beh...”

“Alexander...”

“Yes, doll?”

“More.”

He chuckled, the belt striking her again, again, again, tears running down her cheeks now, the sensation so intense, making her skin burn that she couldn't control herself and he felt himself almost come undone simply from the view that followed, the way she still arched her back and pushed her ass towards him and off the wall.

“Oh, fookin'ell, Jade...” he groaned. He could hardly contain himself now, his own desire growing, torn between giving in to finally feel her around him again, feel her beg for his cock and make her come undone for him, and continuing his punishment, the torture doing more for both of them than he ever could have dreamt of.

He was looking at all of her except for her eyes and she dared to turn her head to look back at him, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. “Slacking?”

His head snapped up and without a warning he brought the belt forward to slap against her skin again, this time meeting the curve of her ass and she yelped, a sense of relief rushing through her. He tried to compose himself. “Still … 'ave yeh still not 'ad enough, Jade?”

She pressed her forehead against the glass of the mirror, looked at herself, her make up still flawless, the tears pearling off her cheeks like lotus petals, the skin of her throat and over her collarbones flushed. She cleared her throat in an attempt to steady her voice. “No.”

“I fink yeh've been forgettin' summat...” he drawled, striking two more blows against her ass.

She whimpered, pressed herself against the mirror again, her hard nipples painfully pressing into the rough material of her dress. “T-Thank you, I'm so sorry...” she cried, the slaps staring to burn her skin more and more. “Thank you.”

He groaned. “Again.”

“Thank you” she whispered, her heart racing. She was painfully aware of the wetness running down her legs, she was soaking, was sure that if he kept going, she wouldn't even need him to touch her to make her orgasm. She was almost salivating at just the thought of his cock finally filling her. But she'd learned from her mistake, knew that there was no guarantee he would actually give in. For all she knew, he could end up forcing her to her knees to pleasure him again and then send her away with another threat. And as much as she wanted him to fuck her again, she knew she'd gladly take either option.

“No” he said, his voice calmer now. “Apologize teh meh again.”

She knew she had to play her cards carefully now, weigh the level of defiance because there was a fine line between driving him mad enough for him to fuck her and driving him too mad which meant denying her. She would not again make that mistake. “I'm sorry, Alexander.”

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards and he swallowed hard, eyes fixed on her again and she met his gaze instantly. “Jade...” he said slowly.

“Y-Yes?”

Her heart leaped when she heard a shuffle, the anticipated sound of his zipper and he stepped closer to her, the way the tip of his hard cock brushed up against the dripping heat between her legs almost making her cry out with relief.

“I'm gunna fook yeh so 'ard yeh're gunna feel it for weeks...”

She whimpered, his words too much, the mere image of them coming true had her shaking and she shut her eyes, tensing, holding her breath.

His voice cut through the temporary silence, sharp and threatening. “Under one condition.”

She exhaled. “Anything.”

He hummed. “Tha's wha' I like teh 'ear.” He nudged his hips forward slightly, enjoying the response of her body immensely, how she tried to buck back against him but his hand came down on the small of her back instantly to steady her, the belt hitting the floor.

“What do you want me to do, Alexander?”

He bit his lip. “Open yehr eyes.”

She obeyed, the intensity of his eyes boring into hers made her want to do anything he asked.

“Tha's reyht … I want yeh teh keep yehr eyes open. I want teh watch them roll back when me cock fills yehr cunt, alreyht? I want yeh teh watch yehrself take meh, look at yehrself and watch yehrself take meh.”

She nodded obediently, attempting once again to push her hips back towards him, remaining restricted by his grip, nails digging into her skin at her resistance.

“Yeh're not gunna cum wifout me permission.”

Another nod.

“And when I allow yeh, yeh're gunna look at meh. Yeh're gunna look at meh and yeh're gunna fank meh.”

“I promise.”

She tensed when his grip loosened on her back and his hips snapped up and he hissed as his cock filled her up all the way, stretching her walls with ease. “Oh, f-fook...” He steadied himself with his hand on her hip, the other pressing flat against the mirror. “Yehr cunt is fookin' droolin'...”

She cried, the stretch of his cock, the final relief had tears dwell up in the corners of her eyes again, the intensity too much for her and she fell forward, barely able to hold herself up on her heels and his hand ran up her front, squeezed her breast before his fingers wrapped securely around her throat, another nudge of his hips, another whimper and he was buried deep inside her, her walls squeezing him, fluttering desperately around his throbbing length.

With his hand no longer holding her in place she attempted to fuck herself on his cock, earning her nothing but his hips snapping forward until she was trapped between his hard body and the wall, his grip around her throat temporarily tightening. “Tzz, tzz, tzz … Jade … pupa, I set the pace.”

She whimpered. “Please.”

“Yeh asked for this” he drawled, once again loosening his grip around her throat and he drew back his hips, chuckling at the way hers followed and he slammed them forward again, feeling the way her breath got caught in her throat under his touch without even applying pressure.

“I-I did...” she cried. “I-I want you, o-oh, please...”

He kept her trapped between his punishing thrusts and the wall, kept his fingers around her throat, the way she obeyed him, took his every move with gratitude, the whimpers and begs falling from her lips every time his cock filled her up the only reward he needed, it drove him so close so quickly that when he paused to compose himself it was more to hold back than to tease her.

“Don't stop” she cried when his movements ceased and he held his cock inside her for a moment, his own eyes almost fluttering shut from the way she squeezed him purposely, a low guttural moan falling from his lips. “Alexander, please...”

He squeezed his fingers around her throat again. “Look at yehrself, Jade...” he drawled, his voice not as steady as he would have liked. “Yeh're so 'ungreh for me cock, aren't yeh? Fookin' insatiable, fookin' needeh. Why dun't yeh beg meh, doll? Show meh yeh deserve it.”

Without a warning, he reached around her body and nudged her underwear aside, the calloused tips of his fingers pressing against her clit and she let out a strangled cry, trembling beyond her own control. She was so close to cumming on his cock. “Please, no...” she cried. “I can't hold on, f-fuck...”

He raised his eyebrows, chuckling, she had no idea how much he enjoyed playing with her. “Did yeh joost tell meh teh stop?” He drew his cock out halfway, satisfied beyond reason with how she backed up on him instantly and he teasingly pressed his fingertips against her clit again, the slightest circular motions with the slightest bit of pressure but it was too much for her.

“N-No...” she cried. “Please don't stop, please … please, please let me cum...”

His game was doing nothing to decrease how turned on he was, if anything she was merely coaxing him to let go faster.

“I'm begging you, please, I'll do anything, a-anything, please...”

He let out a shaky breath, brought his hand up to clamp over her mouth, forcing two of his fingers past her lips. “Beh quiet.”

She struggled to speak, mumbling incoherently around his fingers.

It was almost too much for him, the desperate demand his last attempt to maintain his control. “Suck on me fingers or I will make yeh suck me cock. I'll tie yehr 'ands and yeh won't cum.”

Jade froze, her attempts to speak ceasing and she sucked greedily on his fingers, trembling when his cock finally filled her completely again, her eyes rolling back. She was so close, getting wetter and wetter around his cock with every push of his fingers against her clit, the stretch of her walls, the burn of them around his cock, she was desperate.

“Tha's a good girl...”

She cried out, his words sending another rush of wetness between her legs.

Alex groaned. “Oh, yeh like tha'?” He drawled. “Yeh like bein' called a good girl?” He was barely holding on now, his thrusts becoming harder, deeper, the way she shuddered each time his cock filled her up driving him closer and closer to the edge. “Yeh're bein' a vereh good girl reyht now, Jade, yes, tha's reyht, suck on me fingers, oh f-fook...”

He was letting go, his words fuelling her, had her beyond satisfied, his guttural moans, thick drawls of pleasure, it made her heart swell with pride. It was all her.

“Are yeh gunna beh a good girl for meh from now on?”

She whimpered, her eyes wide as she stared back at him as he stared her into submission and she tried to answer him, her words reduced to mere mumbles around his fingers.

He pressed his fingers down on her tongue, bucked his hips up to push his cock deep inside her. “No, Jade, no words needed...”

She gave up her struggle, nodded as she held his gaze, shuddering when he pressed his fingers harshly against her clit again. She was so wet that she was surely dripping onto the floor soon, he skillfully drove her to the edge over and over again before letting her building orgasm fade, never quite allowing her to get there. She didn't know how much more she could take, she was so lost in the pleasure he gave her, fucking her harder, pressing her against the mirror, holding her gaze like he owned her.

“Fook, Jade, yeh're droolin'...” he groaned. “Is tha' 'ow bad yeh want meh? Do yeh fink yeh deserve it now?”

She nodded eagerly, her eyes wide, silently begging him and with one last push of his hips, he buried himself deep inside her, held himself there as he mercilessly rubbed at her clit and it took everything she had for her to force her eyes open and look back at him when he finally gave her permission.

“Let go, principessa.”

The pleasure ripped through her, her walls melting around his thick cock, her body shaking violently and she gasped when he drew his fingers from her mouth, held her throat tightly instead, focused on the way her eyes rolled back and he released deep inside, coating her walls, his cock throbbing with the way her walls squeezed tightly around him as if to hold him there and keep him from pulling out too soon. He was about to punish her, disappointed almost that she hadn't obeyed, reaching back.

“T-Thank you...” she whispered. “Thank you, Alexander.”

His hand smoothed down her back instead, much more gentle than originally intended, the way her body shook in his hands, the way she panted, fogging the mirror had him beyond satisfied. “Good girl...” he drawled, his grip loosening from around her throat, his chest pressed up against her back, their hearts now beating in sync.

“Thank you” she mumbled again, her eyes now falling shut, her forehead resting against the cold mirror and she whimpered when he pulled out, his hand remaining on her hip for longer than necessary and she used the brief moment to steady herself, made sure she could stand on her heels, her legs wobbly as she pushed herself off the wall and adjusted her dress, hissing at the sharp pain the rough material of the dress caused her abused skin.

She ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to fix it but with a look into the mirror, she was beyond fixing, splotches of red scattered across her chest, a slight imprint of Alex's hand and she went to work to at least fix her lipstick.

When she turned around, he once again looked completely put together, not a hair on his head out of place, the redness and the sweat barely visible now. She hadn't even caught her breath.

His hand came down slowly on the small of her back to guide her out of the room silently.

She tensed instantly, dreading going out there to talk to Miles and possibly more people that would know exactly what Turner had done in there, people that had potentially heard her but when he opened the door and stepped outside, he merely gave a wave and in no time, Cook and Helders were on either side of them, following them out of the club, the realisation relaxing her more than anything.

Cook opened the door for them and Turner stood waiting. Jade's eyes widened but she needed no telling twice, climbing into the backseat, surprised when Turner said much closer to her than necessary and she was cautious to sit still, not only because of him, but because every movement hurt, her ass stinging, her limbs still shaking. Her eyes were threatening to fall shut.

“To the 'eadquarters” came Turner's quiet drawl and the door shut, the car starting, but she now was barely aware of her surroundings. “Jade?”

“Mmm?” She mumbled, leaning closer to him in a hopeful attempt to hear him better.

“Did yeh 'ear meh?” Alex asked, tensing when he felt the weight of her head on his shoulder, tilting his head to look at her but the even breaths falling from her lips made it quite obvious that she had fallen asleep, otherwise, she would not have let her guard down like that.

He heard the hint of a chuckle opposite him, his head snapping up to see the amusement on Matthew's face. “Wha'?” He asked, realising his voice was quieter automatically.

“Boss, are yeh not takin' 'er 'ome?” Jamie asked.

Alex furrowed his brows. “Teh me place? No, weh're takin' 'er teh the 'eadquarters.” His voice was steady, although for a moment, he did toy with the idea before deciding against it. He was not going to allow it.

The fact that she had let her guard down enough to fall asleep, that he'd spent her completely to that point, it was satisfying, he couldn't deny that, and a conflicting contract, the way she'd stared into his eyes mere minutes before, wild and desperate and beyond filthy, and now, she looked so peaceful, all the mischief and the fire swept from her face.

The car stopped and he snapped out of it. “Jade.”

She didn't stir.

“Jade.” He spoke louder, avoiding the looks his henchmen gave him. “Jade.”

Her eyes fluttered open, her head shooting up and she blinked several times, looking around, disorientated for a moment. “Wh-...” She froze, realising that she'd fallen asleep. Her mind was still foggy, but the memory was fresh in her mind and she looked out the window, realising they were at the headquarters.

Cook pushed the door open, stepping outside and looking at her expectantly.

She swallowed hard, preparing herself for the mockery when she looked back at Turner, her heart skipping a beat, surprised by the look he gave her.

“Get sum rest” he drawled. “Tomorrow, 11am, lowest floor.”

She blinked, realising only after a few seconds that he was waiting for a response so she gave a slow nod. He hadn't dismissed her, so she stayed put until he gave a nod towards Jamie and she pulled down her dress, with no success, she knew he'd be able to see the redness on her skin he'd inflicted as she climbed out, looking over her shoulder with wide eyes, desperate for something else, more confused than she'd ever been in his presence.

She wasn't going to leave it at that. The door was still open. “To do what?” She asked sceptically.

He scratched at his jaw, his eyes wandering from her backside to her face and he exhaled sharply. “Yeh're gunna learn 'ow teh shoot” he informed her calmly. “Dun't wear a dress.”

#alex turner fic #alex turner fanfic #alex turner smut #alex turner fanfiction #alex turner/ofc #mafia!al #mafia au #alex/jade #arctic monkeys #adt #The Last Shadow Puppets #writing #napule nights

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monodumpling · 2 years

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Gue punya sahabat, kita baru kenal dan dekat pas kelas 2 SMA. Kita berada di beberapa circle yang sama. Dia tau semua cerita gue pas SMA, seluk beluk cerita gue dari yang penting sampe yang paling gak penting. Dia tau semuanya. Bisa dibilang, gue paling deket sama dia. Begitu kita lulus, kita masih keep in touch via line, whatsapp, sama twitter.

Kita ketemu lagi pertama kali setelah lulus itu di bulan Januari 2019 buat nonton Maliq n D'Essentials di sekolah. Satu tahun kemudian, kita ketemu lagi tapi cuma berdua, sekalian catch up kehidupan masing-masing. Kita makan eskrim di Ragusa, terus gue nemenin dia makan di Bakmi GM tengah hari bolong sambil ngomongin cowok dan hidup in general. Abis makan, kita jalan-jalan ke stasiun MRT soalnya gue kepo. Mau aja lagi dia gue ajak ke stasiun tapi guenya gak naik. Takut nyasar, soalnya udah sore dan rumah gue jauh. Akhirnya kita duduk di depan gedung sambil mikir abis ini mau ngapain ya?

Setelah duduk sekitar beberapa menit, gue memutuskan untuk ngajak naik bis tingkat yang gratisan. Niatnya mau jalan-jalan keliling Jakarta tapi udah sore dan gue takut nyasar ((lagi-lagi)). Akhirnya, kita turun setelah satu halte. Gue bilang, "Next time kita naik MRT beneran sampe Lebak Bulus ya cuy". Kenyataannya, next time never happens.

Sejak pandemi, dia gak pernah keluar rumah. Gak berani dan gak dibolehin juga gue rasa. Yaudah, kita lanjut komunikasi online, zaman udah maju kan? Kita sering telponan lewat discord bareng temen-temen yang lain, catching up dan gibah (biasa lah!) Di pertengahan tahun 2021, dia mulai pusing cari tempat magang dan lain-lain. Dia masih di sini.

Semua sampe dia mulai cerita tentang kondisi tubuhnya yang mulai aneh dan bikin dia gak nyaman. Kita selalu encourage dia untuk pergi ke dokter dan mendoakan supaya dia cepet sembuh. Dia pergi ke dokter, at last, to be diagnosed. Ternyata dia sakit dan yaa, cukup untuk bikin gue nangis berhari-hari karena kepikiran tentang her chance and probability to survive.

Begitu tau akan ada tindakan untuk diagnosis itu, gue berdoa semoga itu yang terakhir dan dia bisa sembuh dan kembali beraktivitas seperti biasa. Ternyata gue salah...

After the first procedure, dia kontrol lagi dan cerita kalo her condition's getting worse. She was told to made an appointment to an oncologist. I cried, again. For few days, rethinking about her chance and probability to survive.

Few days after she told us about her doctor visit, kita dapet kabar kalo dia udah nggak ada. It was nearly two weeks after her 22nd birthday, two days before christmas... hadiah ulang tahun dia belum sempet gue kirim.. I broke down in tears, gue gak tau harus ngapain. Baru kali itu gue merasa patah karena kehilangan seseorang yang bukan keluarga, tapi udah gue anggap kaya keluarga. Natal tahun 2021 adalah Natal paling sedih dalam hidup gue.

Kita janji bakal ketemuan lagi tapi di Ragusa, bukan di rumah duka dengan posisi dia ada di dalam peti megang bunga. That's clearly not what we want.

Gue nangis berhari-hari, knowing the fact that my best friend udah gak bisa gue chat jam segini buat diajak gibah bareng-bareng. Chat grup gak akan centang biru karena dia gak akan pernah buka hpnya lagi.

Udah lebih dari 40 hari dan kami masih susah nerima kenyataan.

Kalimat dari nyokap gue bikin gue sedikit lebih lega ((walaupun masih sedih juga)) "Mungkin ini emang yang terbaik buat dia. Kita ngeliat kondisi dia cuma bisa berempati dan itu belum cukup untuk bikin dia sembuh. Tuhan ambil supaya temen kamu sembuh dan gak sakit lagi."

Ya.. bisa jadi

Miss you 🥀

(1999-2021)

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zeilixir · 2 years

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so… tadi malem gw lupa buat ngepost log gw but it’s alright. ANYWAYS MIMPI GW ANEH BANGET ANJIR. so i had a dream, gw murid gtu(emng murid sih) TAPI SEKOLANY MASIH AL*THE*A ANJ, BUT MURIDNY MURID SP*NT*?? AND MASA GURU GW SALAH SATUNY ITU HWASEONG ? (s*onghw*) CAKEP BANGET DIA DI MIMPI GWㅠㅠ

TO HAVE TJIS MAN IN MY DREAM?? SUCH A BLESSING MASYALLAH SISTER. ANYWys, theres this girl in my class who also showed up in my dream her initials is H. SO ME N H ARE INTERESTED IN THE SAME PERSON AND THAT PERSON IS SEONGHWA. So me nd h went out one night and that night was chaotic..? we were at a field and she suddenly took a gun out and started shooting at me? i think that was it? idk everything wad do vivid lmao. so she got me in the hip, luckily hwaseong came by out of nowhere and dragged me to the car LMAO HE DRAGGED ME LIKE I WAS A FISH JE CATCHED, so in his car he had a sniper, OUT OF PAIN I GRABBED THE SNIPER AND ADJUSTED TO IT? H REALIZED WHAT WAS HAPPENING AND RAN AWAY. when she ran away ddeonghwa alrdy started driving the car, and with that i rolled the windows down and started shooting at h. i shooted rapidly and basically she dropped. idk if she was dead or nah but we ran away :/ , while driving away we stopped at an alleyway, and there he broke down and cried? idk what happened but that shit was it it made my cry too. we talked abt something but then my mom woke me up suddenly ㅍㅁㅍ, BUT YA THE DAY WENT QUITE WELL I GOT MY PHONE BACK SO THATS A PLUS WOOHOOO i had to clean the house up tho 😭😭

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officialhanayuri · 3 years

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Fuyu [part three]

Adam menutup shoji apabila tempias hujan lebat daripada luar memasuki ruang biliknya. Atap genting yang memberi teduhan kepada laluan utama di sekitar Fuyu tidak mampu membendung hujan lebat yang ditiupkan oleh angin kencang. Berkemungkinan besar, lapisan kertas telus cahaya yang dipasang pada shoji seluruh rumah jepun ini perlu ditukar. Musim-musim hujan ribut begini sering kali menambahkan kerja-kerja membaik pulih Fuyu. Sebagai seorang bakal arkitek, banyak perkara yang dipelajari daripada seni bina Fuyu, kelemahan Fuyu di iklim tropika dan beberapa idea ubah suai Fuyu sekiranya bangunan ikonik di tanah tinggi itu hendak bertahan 100 tahun lagi.

Adam menarik baju sejuknya rapat pada tubuh. Angin yang menderu masuk daripada pintu fusuma yang dibiarkan terbuka membuatkan tulang belulangnya terasa ngilu. Dia menapak keluar menuju ke dapur. Bercadang hendak memanaskan badan dengan kopi panas. Sempat dia mengerling jam pada dinding, sudah memasuki jam 12 malam; melepasi masa tidur kebanyakkan penghuni Fuyu. Berbekalkan lampu koridor yang dimalapkan, Adam melintasi ruang tamu. Disitu dia pegun seketika melihat penyewa Fuyu bernama Anastasia sedang membaca buku bertemankan secawan minuman, berselimut comforter sehingga ke paras pinggangnya.

“Kak Ana tak tidur lagi?”

“What the…,” Anastasia hampir-hampir melontarkan cawannya ke arah Adam. Kemudian dia beristighfar beberapa kali.

“Bagilah salam lain kali. Walaupun saya tak ada sakit jantung. Kau ni pun,”

“Sorry..sorry,” Adam merapatkan kedua tangannya.

“Kenapa tak tidur lagi?” Anastasia meletakkan bukunya ke atas lantai.

“Hujan,” balas Adam sepatah sambil memandang ke arah luar yang hitam pekat. Ruang tamu Fuyu dengan konsep terbuka menghadap laman utama ditemani rintik-rintik hujan yang jatuh mengenai atap genting sebelum membentuk rantaian air menujah ke tanah.

“Kenapa? Kalau hujan tak boleh tidur?” tanya Anastasia lagi.

“Hmm,” Adam menggumam, antara dengar dengan tidak. Dia punya habit yang aneh. Setiap kali hujan turun, seluruh deria dalam badannya akan menjadi lebih peka. Ini mempengaruhi aktiviti otaknya agar kekal celik dan bersiap siaga. Mengapa? Entah dia kurang pasti mengapa. Mungkinkah jika ditanya kepada Anastasia, dia bakal menerima jawapannya?

“Kak Ana, saya nak buat kopi sekejap,” Adam berlalu ke dapur sebelum mendengar respon daripada Anastasia.

Tibanya di dapur, Adam mendapatkan mug miliknya daripada rak. Mug corak bunga dandelion pemberian jirannya di rumah sewa berhampiran universiti. Jumlah cawan di Fuyu bersamaan dengan penghuninya. Masing-masing mempunyai cawan tersendiri dan bertanggungjawab keatas cawannya. Ini salah satu konsep minimalist yang diterapkan oleh Mama dan Ayah. Tidak perlu melambakkan perkakasan dirumah, lagipun masing-masing hanya ada satu mulut untuk makan, dan dua tangan untuk garpu dan sudu. Mama juga sudah menyediakan set pinggan mangkuk yang berbeza untuk tetamu sekiranya perlu.

Selesai membancuh kopi kosong panas, Adam kembali ke ruang tamu. Dia duduk dihujung meja jepun bertentangan Anastasia.

"Kenapa Kak Ana tidak tidur lagi?" Adam seperti Yulia memanggilnya kakak kerana jurang umur yang besar antara mereka.

"Hujan," balas Anastasia tanpa mengangkat muka daripada bukunya. Jawapan yang dia beri sama dengan jawapannya sebentar tadi.

"Kalau hujan kenapa?" tanya Adam lagi, mengharapkan jawapan yang solid daripada Anastasia, bukan alasan sepertinya.

"Hujan akan mengingatkan saya tentang kehidupan. Apabila hujan turun, saya akan sentiasa terkenangkan masa silam," bait-bait Anastasia seperti yang tertulis dalam bukunya membuatkan Adam penuh tanda tanya.

"Maksud?"

"Tiada maksud. Saya hanya suka kepada hujan, itu sahaja," ujar Anastasia bersahaja.

"Ohh..," Adam mendekatkan mug ke bibir, dihirup sedikit kopi panasnya. Kopi pahit itu seakan mengingatkan dia tentang salah satu novel Anastasia yang dia baca sewaktu terkurung di hospital. Novel berkisar seorang pemuda yang menghabiskan masanya di kota-kota sepanjang laluan kereta api Trans Siberian selepas dilanda pelbagai episod kegagalan dalam hidupnya.

Melihat langit gelap tanpa sebutir bintang, dilapisi awan tebal berlapis-lapis menutupi sang rembulan mengingatkan aku bahawa dunia tanpa cahaya tetap indah dipandang mata. Betapa kegelapan itu juga satu nikmat yang sering dilupakan manusia. Mungkin dengan adanya aku, seorang pelarian yang mengucapkan syukur dengan kecantikan kegelapan ini membuatkan malam sentiasa datang tanpa perlu diminta. Selang beberapa ketika, saat titisan air mata langit jatuh mengenai pipi, aku mengukir senyuman pada di Atas Sana yang menurunkan hujan rahmat bagi sekalian yang masih hidup. Daripadanya, benih bercambah, merekah di permukaan tanah, kemudiannya tumbuh menghijau, menjalar di bumi selama mana yang diizinkan Tuhan. Hujan akan senantiasa mengingatkan aku tentang kehidupan, permulaannya, perjalanannya dan pengakhirannya. Sebagai hamba kepada Yang Maha Kuasa, Yang mencipta kegelapan dan terangnya cahaya, aku akhirnya meleraikan yang terbeban di pundak dengan mengalirnya air mata pertama selepas 4 tahun aku lari daripada realiti dunia.

“Kak Ana,” Adam ingin bertanya sesuatu kepada Anastasia. Sesuatu yang dia pendam sekian lama.

“Hmm?” Anastasia menyahut.

“Kenapa Saif hanya menangis apabila hujan turun?” Dalam salah satu karya Anastasia, hanya dua kali sahaja watak utama bernama Saif menangisi nasibnya yang sentiasa diuji. Dan kedua-dua peristiwa berlaku semasa hujan turun membasahi bumi. Selebihnya, Saif mengisi kehidupannya dengan senyuman walaupun dia lelah dengan dunia dan isinya.

“Saif?” tanya Anastasia, kurang memahami.

“Saif dalam Penyair Malaya di Tanah Besar Asia,“ Adam mengemukakan fakta.

“Ahh.. that Saif,” Anastasia meletakkan buku bacaan ke atas meja dan mengangkat cawan pula. “Mana saya tahu, saya bukan Saif,” balasnya acuh tidak acuh.

“You made that character, Kak Ana,” Adam sedari dulu lagi perasan bahawa Anastasia tidak menghebohkan dirinya sebagai penulis.

“So you knew who I am,” kata Anastasia tanpa melonjakkan nada suara.

“Semua orang tahu siapa Kak Ana, atau Anton?” Walaupun Anastasia jarang bercakap dimeja makan, namun Adam hampir pasti Anton dihadapannya bukanlah pendiam seperti yang dikenali.

“Tak boleh kah awak berpura-pura tidak mengenali saya sebagai Anton?”

“How can I when Yuri couldn’t stop talking about you,” Yulia yang tidak pandai menyimpan keterujaannya apabila mengetahui Anastasia bakal mendiami Fuyu dalam tempoh yang lama.

“Ahh.. Julia with letter Y,” sebutan nama Yulia dengan huruf J adalah sebutan yang tepat bagi Yulia.

“Apa soalan awak tadi?”

Adam membasahkan tekaknya terlebih dahulu sebelum mengulangi persoalannya tadi.

“Masih ingat kisah perang Badar?” Anastasia melontarkan persoalan di luar konteks. Berkira-kira juga Adam sebelum mengangguk, mengiyakan pertanyaan berkenaan sirah yang sudah lama dia tinggalkan.

“Ingat tak salah satu malam sebelum terjadinya peperangan, apa yang berlaku?”

Adam tidak segera menjawab. Sirah yang dipelajari semasa dibangku sekolah sudah lama tidak disemak kembali. Akhirnya selepas berfikir kurang 2 minit, Adam menggeleng.

“Saya tak ingat,”

Anastasia menunding jarinya ke arah luar, kepada langit yang belum berhenti menangis. Adam ikut sama menoleh.

“Hujan,”

Mereka berdua diam sejenak, menghayati bunyi hujan yang jatuh ke atap. Hujan lebat sejak isyak tadi semakin reda sedikit. Angin kuat yang membadai pun sudah berhenti bertiup, hanya tinggal saki baki deruan lembutnya sahaja yang menampar pipi mereka.

“I remember now,” perlahan Adam bersuara.

Hujan turun yang membasahi bumi badar mengurangkan keresahan para mujahidin di kem Nabi Muhammad SAW. Angin sejuk dan tidur lena yang Allah kurniakan kepada mereka merupakan satu bentuk ketenangan. Umpama bayi dalam dakapan bondanya; selamat dan tenteram. Adam menoleh ke arah Anastasia apabila wanita itu menyambung bicaranya.

“Rusia merupakan negara yang jarang-jarang hujan. Jika hujan pun, sekitar musim luruh. Selebihnya turun dalam bentuk salji. Hujan sentiasa menyambut saya setiap kali saya pulang ke Malaysia. Tidak salah kalau saya katakan, saya cinta pada Malaysia kerana saya suka bau hujannya, saya suka awan mendung dan angin yang menolak airnya jatuh ke tanah. Dan yang paling saya suka, apabila hujan berhenti. Saat itu, bumi terasa tidak berputar, kejung dalam matinya angin yang bertiup. Bagi saya, saat itu adalah saat yang paling indah. Yang tidak akan awak dapati di Rusia,”

“Dan Saif?”

"Saif hidupkan watak sebagai seorang yang lari daripada tanah air, bermula di China, melintasi Mongolia dan berakhir di Rusia. Semasa saya di Rusia, perkara yang paling saya rindu adalah hujan. Setiap kali hujan turun di sana, ia akan mengingatkan saya tentang Malaysia, asal usul ibu bapa saya meskipun saya tidak lahir disini. Saya zahirkan rasa lelah akan kenang-kenangan masa silam dalam Saif kerana manusia tak akan mampu selamanya kuat dibadai dugaan. Saya pilih hujan sebagai pintu kepada Saif untuk meleraikan perasaan yang terpendam. Bukankah kita rasa lebih tenang selepas terhentinya hujan? Begitulah juga Saif,” hujah panjang lebar Anastasia menyebabkan Adam kehilangan kata-kata.

Adakah dia juga begitu? Hujan yang membuatkan semua derianya berfungsi di luar paras normal kerana minda luar sedarnya ‘tersedar’ dan perlu ‘dibebaskan’? Saat pertama kali dia membuka mata sejurus selamat melalui pemindahan jantung, hujan turun dengan lebatnya. Tanpa kawalannya juga, dia menangisi sesuatu yang dia tidak tahu. Seolah-olah dia mengiringi langit yang terlebih dahulu menangis. Perasaannya bercampur, antara simpati dan syukur. Simpati kerana ada nyawa yang terkorban untuk dia terus bernyawa dan bersyukur diatas kematian penderma. Adam tidak tahu apakah konklusi kepada perasaan itu. Namun ucapan terima kasih daripada ibu bapa pemilik jantung baharunya mengurangkan rasa bersalah yang dialaminya. Maka, dia sedar dia perlu meneruskan kehidupan. Ada amanat yang dipikul diatas bahunya, meskipun berat.

“Kak Ana? Would you cry when the sky cries?” Soal Adam.

“Kebanyakan masa, I won’t. What for? I mean the sky already cry behalf of me,”

Sekali lagi Adam merasa terpukul dengan kalimah Anastasia. Jauh dalam hatinya, dia mengakui kata-kata itu.

“Sebab itu kadangkala bila saya berat dengan urusan dunia, bila saya melalui fasa writer’s block, atau apa-apa yang merungsingkan, saya mengharapkan hujan turun. So that I wouldn’t cry badly,” Anastasia menyambung jawapannya.

Adam tidak terus memberi respon. Dia mengacau kopi dalam cawannya yang sudah mulai sejuk, namun masih berbaki separuh. Adam mengalihkan perhatiannya ke arah laman Fuyu. Meskipun diluar gelap gelita, namun dia dapat menelah bahawa langit sudah beransur tenang, hujan sudah sampai ke penghujungnya berdasarkan rantaian air hujan yang terbentuk di atap genting sudah semakin berkurangan. Seketika dia memejamkan mata, menajamkan deria pendengaran untuk kekal fokus kepada bunyi titisan air hujan. Dia kekal begitu sehinggalah perasaannya tenang dan degupan jantungnya kembali kepada resting heartbeat.

Sekarang dia lebih faham kenapa jantungnya menunjukkan reaksi setiap kali hujan turun. Barangkali manusia yang dilahirkan dengan jantung ini memiliki memori yang indah sewaktu hujan. Barangkali pemilik sebenar jantungnya yang kini bersemadi selama-lamanya dalam tanah menyukai hujan. Barangkali juga hujan adalah comfort zone. Hujan yang turun sebagai rahmah. Dia tidak pernah kenal siapa pendermanya, tidak pernah tahu bagaimana kehidupannya, namun kadangkala perasaan yang bertindan atau tingkah laku yang janggal dipamerkan merupakan manifestasi kepada 'perumah' asal jantungnya.

Adam mengukir senyuman tanpa sedar.

"Kenapa tiba-tiba senyum?" soal Anastasia, memecahkan lamunannya. Namun, dia tidak memadamkan senyumannya.

“Kak Ana, you know that my physical heart right now wasn’t originally mine, do you?”

Anastasia mengangguk.

“Selepas heart transplant setahun yang lepas, setiap kali hujan turun, my heart flutters. Ada masa, saya terasa ia berdegup terlalu laju, ada masa saya merasa sedih tanpa sebab, dan pada kebanyakkan masa saya rasa tenang. Setiap kali hujan turun, saya akan berhenti apa yang saya sedang lakukan, dan menikmati pemandangan hari hujan. Setiap kali. I even pull off my car if I were driving, just to enjoy the view for a few minutes. It confused me every single time as I did that subconsciously,” Adam menelan air liurnya, berhenti sejenak.

“Selepas bercakap dengan Kak Ana, I think I kinda get it now. It wasn’t raining that kept me awake. I choose to be awake because it’s raining,"

Anastasia mengangguk setuju. Dia menghabiskan airnya yang sudah lama sejuk dalam cawan.

"Kata-kata awak seperti keluar daripada novel. Ada menuliskah?" usik Anastasia.

"Mana ada. Saya bukan Alise," spontan Adam membalas. Mendengar nama baharu itu, Anastasia mengerutkan dahinya.

"Alice? Siapa tu? Girlfriend?"

Adam pula memandangnya dengan pandangan aneh.

"Alice? Siapa?"

"Tadi awak sebut nama tu. 'Mana ada. Saya bukan Alice'?" Anastasia mengulangi apa yang dikatakan Adam sebentar tadi. Otaknya cepat menangkap dan mengingati sesuatu ayat. Adam semakin terpinga-pinga. Dia mengangkat jari telunjuk dan dihalakan ke dadanya.

"Saya cakap? Kak Ana janganlah buat cerita hantu," menganjak pukul 2 pagi, suhu turun dengan lebih rendah membuatkan Adam kesejukan.

"I hear you, dear. Don't scare me like that," Anastasia juga mula merasa seram sejuk.

"Betullah.. bila masa saya cakap," Adam sudah mula bangun daripada lantai, bersedia untuk lari.

"Siapa lambat tutup lampu!" Anastasia melarikan diri terlebih dahulu, mengakhiri perbualan mereka dengan mengheret comforternya ke bilik.

End of part 3.

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