#angriadm

[angria]

Chugging wine and blasting trigger music. Crying. May or may not SH. I need out of my head, my body, my life.

#trigger warning #alcohol #self harm #self sabotage #blasting trigger music #need to numb out desperately #angriadm #dissociation #triggers #emotional dysregulation

[angria]

Dug up my memory box I made with T. Pictures of her. Circa 2001. Crooked glasses. Dead eyes. Smile for the camera. Barely.

The fear, the lack of safety, the conditional love, the aloneness, the numbness, the hypervigilance of what is next.  What will happen next where she will need to shrink away, become invisible.  Shatter till there is nothing left to harm. Gone.

And all those shattered pieces are drowning in her.  Her breaking out from the locked imprisonment. To hide in that black throbbing void.  To punish until there is nothing left.

A nothing that was never meant to be born.

Fear is sitting in the corner, waiting for the sun to rise, waiting for the Hell to begin.

#cptsd #child abuse #child neglect #developmental trauma #triggers #nothing is safe #dissociation #her #smshellhole #numbness #never stood a chance #you ruined me #i will never heal #angriadm

[angria]

Difficult, but overall good session.  Mainly discussed my increase in sabotage urges around “better” and making progress.  

It wasn’t until the final few minutes that T really challenged my rejection of better and improvement.  He understands the majority of it comes from childhood and not receiving attention or care from others.  Elaborating, he told me there is a need for control when I have those moments of wanting attention and care (which he reminded me again is not manipulative or a bad thing).  The urge to SH or get worse is a way to exercise that control.  I didn’t receive attention and care as a child, so now this is the way I can ensure I receive what I want and need.  T also reminded me I still receive attention, even when I am “better.”  Challenging him, I said it’s different.  It feels different, less.  He affirmed it is not the same type of attention, but I still have caring from others, just not dependent on being sick or severe.  I need to learn to care for myself in those times of feeling alone or wanting attention and, at the same time, it is still okay to reach out and ask for what I need and to receive support.

What he said makes sense, but I still feel resistant.  It’s different and feels less.  I’m too terrified to be completely alone again, depending on myself as a child.  As the session winded down, T told me to think of how things are better.  What does better mean to me and why is it good.  I had brought up the gratitude issue in my diary cards and he said to not worry about it now (although it is still important).  Just be mindful of what in my life is better.  Then he said something that kind of hit me…when the need for attention arises, when I’m not feeling cared enough and feeling the need to sabotage in order to receive care, ask myself what am I fearing.  What am I afraid of.  While also asking these questions with understanding and compassion, not with shame and loathing for wanting attention.  That I’m not being manipulative or bad.  

Just a lot to process.  It was really sweet though…on a separate topic, I mentioned being worried that I was too physically tense with A when we were cuddling last date.  That I’m not even aware I’m tense most of the time, yet people comment on it sometimes.  T smiled and began to describe when I first started seeing him, I would hand him papers or things very rigidly and quickly snap my hand back.  Now, I am much more fluid in motion and trusting with him.  He kind of got teary as he was describing this, saying this is another example of progress for me.

#cptsd #bpd #trauma #abuse #therapy #emotional dysregulation #triggers #self sabotage #self harm #nothing is safe #disordered attachment #abandonment #do i even want to get better? #terrified of recovery #angriadm

[angria]

Rediscovered this progress chart I made around 2018. Kind of fitting given the past couple week’s sessions on “better” and progress. And how the future column is actually reality now….

#cptsd #bpd #trauma #abuse #therapy #coping skills #recovery #terrified of recovery #self sabotage #self harm #suicidal ideation #alcohol #avoidance #dissociation #angriadm #numbness

[angria]

EEEK, school finally got back to me about another field placement opportunity and it's at an Episcopal church-run city youth program as a social emotional support intern!! Both St. P's and my work are involved with their programs, both of which are mentioned on my resume.

Really, really hoping this works out because I know about the programs and the church is well-established in the community. On top of the fact that I'm supposed to start placement in oh idk 3 weeks 🙃

#msw #angriadm

[angria]

Had my field placement interview yesterday (right before my session thankfully) and I think it went pretty well? The woman would be my direct SW supervisor and she seemed nice and approachable.

Some of the questions threw me (e.g. What are the core causes of poverty, or How will you challenge the "White Savior"). Mainly because I just didn't know how to prepare for a social work interview versus knowing what will be asked in a teaching interview. But, I was overall satisfied with my answers (i.e. I did the best I could I think) and she seemed pleased with them as well. She said she would forward my resume and her interview notes to the placement as they will make the final decision (an area hospital is in charge of the social work interns at the placement, not the non-profit itself). If they don't reach out for an interview by Monday, to let her know and she will press them. She acknowledged I have a May start date, so that made me hopeful they will quicken the process.

Still worried since I don't have the official word yet. T thinks I have it, that the woman wouldn't have continued the process if she thought it wasn't a good fit. But, who knows. Incredibly stressed about the logistics because the woman said she couldn't answer those details. I asked if there were any required meetings during the week and she thought there was one on Mondays.

Out of all the days, I can't do Monday afternoons because that is my in-person session with T. And he isn't giving me a straight answer about what we will do if there is a schedule conflict. Which is making me increasingly panicked. I can't not have an in-person session for 6 months. I can't. And it is stirring up all the anger over his office because I used to see him at 7pm. So this wouldn't even be an issue if we had our old, pre-pandemic schedule. The fact he isn't giving me a straight answer either is pissing me off too. Like what the fuck does he think will happen once I get a full-time 9-5 job after graduating???

#msw #angriadm

[angria]

The woman at the possible placement literally emailed me less than an hour before my interview today that she needs to reschedule for Wednesday. I have fucking field placement orientation in a fucking week and the summer semester starts in two weeks.

I've gotten sick twice this morning because I've been so anxious for this fucking interview. Emailed my school to be like wtf is happening, I don't have a placement, are these interviews more formalities, is there a possibility I won't get this placement even after the interview, how do I find another placement in time.

I literally could cry right now.

#msw #angriadm

[angria]

Ok, trying to pump myself up to be social at this large party where I know only two people by listening to my old dance music from college. Of course I had to start my period today 🙃

But, the music is helping, it’s finally sunny out, and I actually feel pretty. My wild hair looks good, kind of warm enough for a dress, wearing lipstick, and my new mascara is soo much better than the one I normally use.

Hopefully this will go well….A is picking me up in a couple hours because her friend needs help setting up. Probably better that way so I’m not stewing all morning, growing more anxious in anticipation.

#the girlfriend #social anxiety #angriadm

[angria]

Talked about Monday's meltdown around the intimacy topic. As I'm trying to describe what happened when I dissociated in session (and the subsequent drunken spiral), I started to shut down again, curling into myself. Hiding. Every single time when her comes up.

I barely could say that I'm afraid something happened, but I just don't remember anything. That whole time period is a massive black hole. T said he hadn't forgotten about the secret I told him a few months ago. Immediately flinched and turned away, covering my face.

After a few moments, T asked me to look at him. I slowly shook my head, barely able to move. He asked again, saying he wants me to see him when he says this. Still covering part of my face, I quickly glanced at him. He said, "Look at me. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. You were made to feel bad about yourself. You were made to feel like you needed to hide. And it is not your fault. You were a child. And it is not your fault."

My face crumbled. Every time I tried to look away and hide, T continued pointing at his eyes. For me to maintain eye contact, guiding me through lowering my hands and sitting up straight. I kept crying I want to hide. Smiling with care, he said, "You don't need to hide anymore. You have a voice. You have a therapist, a psychiatrist, people all around you who care about you and want you in their lives. You are good and worthy. No more hiding."

#cptsd #bpd #trauma #abuse #therapy #triggers #emotional dysregulation #i love my therapist #dissociation #her #it was always my fault #all i am is a liar #validation #safety #angriadm

[angria]

I met with a good friend for dinner last night, which was really nice, and she is currently in a nurse practitioner program. This past semester, she did her psych rotation at an area hospital and was describing some of the things she learned. One thing she mentioned was learning about BPD and how people with BPD struggle with attachment and interpersonal relationships.

Knowing I have BPD and CPTSD with attachment issues, she told me she started to realize how her lack of responsiveness in texting may affect me. Her apologizing and saying that kind of took me aback. I said it used to affect me because I didn't know her as well and worried if I upset her or made her mad when she didn't respond. Now I know her response time doesn't have to do with me or how she feels about me (I didn't mention I still can get upset, even though it isn't as severe a reaction as it used to be).

I don't know....it really meant a lot that she had that connection. And it also challenged my emotional permanence....that people no longer think of me when I'm not physically in front of them. Which is really hard for me to recognize and believe.

#cptsd #bpd #disordered attachment #interpersonal relationships #triggers #abandonment #rejection #hypervigilance #validation #emotional permanence #too much not enough #angriadm

[angria]

Mood is a little better. Had a really awesome day with A yesterday. Spent most of the day downtown, just walking around. Had brunch at this super cool place with hot pink cinnamon pancakes (so good!). Took a lot of pictures. Then spent the evening at my place. Just a really nice day.

And I did acknowledge my scars/wore a tshirt and she had an understanding reaction. So that's over with at least and feeling less anxious around that. Next thing to get anxious about is where we are going physically....I'm still okay for now, but probably a conversation to have soon.

Hard to believe it's only been a little over 3 months of dating....feels like twice that, at least. Things are going really well.

#the girlfriend #angriadm

[angria]

Hate the body tension and headaches that come after being dissociative, especially around her.

Wanting to tear myself apart. Wanting to rip her out of me. Nowhere to go. No way to escape. Trapped in hellhole. In that hallway.

Go, disappear, no one wants you. You are nothing. Nothing.

#cptsd #child abuse #child neglect #developmental trauma #dissociation #her #smshellhole #never will escape #you are nothing #never stood a chance #angriadm

[angria]

I described to T how it’s getting close to short-sleeve weather and thus the time when A sees my scars for the first time.

Being his eloquent self, he was going on about how hard I’ve worked to improve, how I have nothing to be ashamed of, how we are always works in progress. Then concluded with “and then we die.” Without missing a beat, I told him, “You say to someone with chronic suicidality.”

We both started cracking up. Omg I love him.

#the level of dark humor we use is absurd #i love my therapist #angriadm

[angria]

TW: Infant cancer, treatment

My cousin's baby had additional scans performed and now meets the highest risk of neuroblastoma (the equivalent of Stage VI). It's spread to his brain, lungs, bone, liver, and kidneys. He's gone from no treatment/wait and see to 8 rounds of chemo over the course of 6 months. I looked up stats and he has a 50% chance of survival, if that.

He just turned 6 months a couple weeks ago. We've already raised over $20,000 in the span of a week for my cousin and her family. She has to stay out of work for a year since she works in an elementary school (germ cesspool) and her job provides the most money and the medical benefits. Her husband barely makes anything sustainable and no benefits. And I would not be surprised if her school lets her go because schools are utter shit in this country.

Just feel so crushed for her, her husband, and baby....and that is nothing compared to what they are experiencing first-hand.

#cancer #angriadm

[angria]

Actually slept. Working from home today. Sunny with open windows. Dance music. Seeing T later (even though it's on Zoom). I got invited to an interview next week for my placement. ANDDD just found out hellhole is on the chopping block for closing in my home-state archdiocese. Burn that shit to the ground.

Beautiful day already 🙌

#just want to feel happy about something #angriadm

[angria]

Overall, the party went well! Although, we were there for almost 10 hours because we helped set up and then clean up afterwards. I was dying by the time I got home. I felt a little less self-conscious and anxious though, maybe because I've been with A longer than we were at the last party.

Plus it felt really nice to hear A introduce me as her girlfriend each time. And when the sister of the host said she hopes to see me again, A chimed in and said "Definitely." Also noticed A has the ☺️ emoji next to my name in her phone (I saw it on the screen in her car). We're not at heart emojis yet, so this is the one we use with each other.

And it was so, so sweet...I went to church this morning and E came up to me afterwards because she wanted say how much she likes A and could tell she is really genuine, caring, and grounded. She's really hoping this goes somewhere for me. I love E so much 🥺

#the girlfriend #talks with E #angriadm