#anyway im making myself emotional

[natjennie]

like seriously whatever you do dont think about the captain and that story about someone calling into gay bars and not saying anything, just listening to queer people living and laughing and having fun. definitely don't think about the captain doing that. haha.

#both during his life and in death #i just looked it up and the 1930s british queer scene was beautiful like jazz age stuff #the idea of the captain just discretely privately calling into places he's heard rumored to be queer #just to listen to the saxophone over the static of the telephone and know that there were gay people living and loving somewhere #and then to think about him missing that EVEN MORE in death because now he cant LEAVE #he cant hear rumors from people he cant call in #imagine the favors he'd have to owe julian to dial a number and let cap listen to the receiver without knowing what it is #like of course julian wants to know and he pesters him. but when cap is Deadly Serious and scared and sad. #a face julian's never seen. he winds his jokes down and agrees to do it #making cap think it was his idea- 'a bit of charity for the old walrus then'- instead of a deep understanding and love #and since its been decades of course the number he calls isnt a gay club anymore. maybe it doesnt even connect #and it breaks his heart and it takes him another decade to gather intel and the nerve to ask julian again #but when he does he finally gets a place and the phone quality is INCREDIBLE he can hear so much #he can hear people and their upbeat music and their laughter and their love #and he cries #and if julian sees it and pretends not to then its so that he can have the blackmail later thank you for asking #anyway im making myself emotional #bbc ghosts #EDIT Becuase then when julian overhears he tries subtly to make the captain feel more comfortable #bc julian is an asshole but he's not homophobic i mean he fucks everyone #so he tries to pepper in more stories about men but that just makes cap uncomfortable #and hes frustrated bc he cant think of anything else to do other than flirt with him but thats a bad idea #but then he remembers that he went to bars and places and maybe he'll like that #so he 'accidentally' dials some clubs he knows were cool and leaves the phone off the receiver for cap to find #and cap just gives him a curt nod and a clearing of his throat and they Dont Talk about it but they Know

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

heyyyy who wants some lowish-resolution Lights Out angst scribbles before i go sleep!!!

(gonna put this under the cut bc im not sure if it can be considered spoiler-y or not? does this au even Have spoilers if there's no shared cohesive plot yet? who knows! i'm doing this impulsively i don't know what i'm doing ever! ! i like drawing characters in distress and anguish! thank you!)

#also if i dont share them now i just Know i never will #i like scribbling distress but Especially when its barnaby. he has the face for it. sad puppy <3 #i mostly scribble these to help myself Think and Visualize #who knows! in a week some or all of them could be rendered non-au-canon by Evolving Ideas #scribble salad #wh lights out au #the last wally one is probably my favorite of the bunch #i like making myself sad by playing the Scene its from in my head <3 #wail in anguish puppet boy... wail and sob.... #going back to my roots with these babeyyyyyy #kind of. mildly. #its been too fluffy on this blog #i need to remember where im from... what im about... Who I Am.... #also 'why is wally so small' bc all of the puppets are there physical sizes #also im Terrible at scribbling consistent size differences <3 #i will Always overcompensate <3 #anyway this au is called lights out aka I Torment Barnaby On An Intensely Emotional Level #what can i say? i have cuteness aggression <3

[lunarharp]

scribblezone again testing out brushes, early grey oru, and ace attorney-style psychelocks

#witch hat tag #orufrey #doodly. i like one of the brushes tho. #oh and i was thinking how the girls have qifrey's hat design but oru's (current) tassel and how that makes me feel #ppl will surely be thinking umm WHY do they have a different tassel to him unlike every other atelier ever. the whole tassel thing is just. #whatever. *keeps the rest to myself as i fall down a zelda-style chasm of emotion* #i JUST wanna know if tassel swapping is a cultural witch sign of commitment OR if it's something they just made up. JUST TELL ME. NAAOOOOWW #the girls are too young to hear about it because oru has the inbuilt belief that kids will mercilessly tease ppl #ok what is going on someone said the psychelocks art made them laugh and someone else said it made them smile #sometimes when i try to get out depressing ideas ppl are like hehe aww and then for those pink clothes i got surprisingly much sad response #it wasnt THAT sad........maybe. anyway genuinely interesting . this world is a mystery #i think its bc i mix humour & tragedy more than i ever imagined i would. i mean witch hat is like that so thats why im doing it. well anywa

[quietwingsinthesky]

the last unicorn post from earlier has me thinking about the master. that yana is still in there, you know? is still someone he was, if even for a brief flash across the life of a time lord. there’s no way to unlive that life. there are ways to twist it later, sure, to make utopia into hell on earth. but the life was lived. in much the same way that the doctor can remember, can feel, the love he held onto as john smith even as that life is ripped out of his hands. the doctor choose denial and then grief and then to shutter it all away. and so john smith died, and so professor yana died, and the doctor and the master live on. the doctor has done this before, and he lives in orbit around humanity, trying to keep the best parts of them and hold them deep enough to take root (which he can pretend he gets to choose, as a time lord. as a human, it all floods in and can’t be dug back out.) but what about the master, right?

to borrow a turn of phrase: i think there are two time lords left in the universe, and they both learned how to regret.

#regret here meaning less feeling the emotion of actual regret obviously because time lords do not actually funxtion on unicorn rules. they #already get sad just fine on their own. no humanity needed for that. #but i dont know. i just dont think he brushed it off so easily. i think he did a hell of a job convincing himself he did. #and what better way then to twist his own great works and destroy the species he was working so hard to save at the end of the universe. #but what about the knowledge that he *could* be that person. that somewhere in him exists a version that wanted to save people. #a version that is painfully too much like the doctor. even. now is that part worse or better than the human part? #but if past regenerations are ghosts i think yana deserves a haunt. #anyway maybe ignore this one im rambling about nothing here #theres just. i dont know. what if you were the last of your kind and in surviving you made yourself Not Like Them in a way you’ll never #escape. #i mean doctor who is just so concerned with all these plots about hybrids and children of the tardis and clones and What Makes A Time Lord. #but they’re so obsessed with it in just. a very Lore way. is what it feels like. we get brushes of more like with jenny and how she’s #physically a time lord and the doctor denies her that inheritance. a shared suffering… #but me myself im just fascinated with the doctor and the master as the time lords who survived. but they survived Wrong #its. its. children of gallifrey that don’t belong to her anymore. you know? #i dont care if river’s got time lord dna!!! or the metacrisis is physically human!!! i dont care!!! talk to me about what it means beyond #their blood and bones!!! what’s it like to have your sense of self stripped from you like that!!! #what’s it like when so much of you is the shed skin of time lords past. but one of you was human. one of you was painfully *humiliatingly* #human!!! #enough about how much dna you need to count as a time lord. i want to know how much they can mutate until they can’t be recognized as one. #does that make sense?

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[silverskye13]

Gave myself psychic damage making plot points, so there's that.

#spazzcat barks #delete later #i think we all know rns is going to (eventually) have some very intense sads in it #was really stewing on how i wanted to convey that on the drive home and made myself cry #[this is not as dramatic as it sounds i cry often] #what WAS dramatic is when i cry my eyes burn horrendously #and if im super tired they will burn and all nearby lights will get a corona that makes it hard to see #anyway the embarrassment of making yourself so emotional over your own stupid fic #that you have to pull over on the side of the highway and wait on your self destructing eyes to work again #>_< the blorbos are not that important calm the fuck down <- they say bitterly as they wait on their vision to clear

[slutdge]

Not to get deep here or anything but i really think i dont want to have a relationship with my sister anymore and ive been reflecting on that a lot. like sure she didnt abuse me or really do anything to directly traumatize me, but she voted against me having human rights because im queer, as well as voting for a party that wants to harm first nations people despite both of us being first nations i just.... i dont think i can forgive her for that. weve had laughs and good times together but i find myself unable to forgive her for her politics. i wouldn't tolerate bigotry from anyone else, i shouldnt tolerate it from someone just cause theyre family.

#can anyone provide me guidance on this? ill bring it up with my therapist but i dont see her for another week #anyways im making myself cry late at night whats new lol ive been processing a lot this week #ok eta: and theyll always make you feel bad for this!!!!! #theyll be like ''ok so everyone has to bend to your commie regime to have a relationship with you 🙄'' #like yeah actually you do #if you really loved me like you claim to you wouldnt be FUCKING VOTING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE MY RIGHTS AWAY #yes you do have to respect my rights if you want to have a relationship with me that is completely reasonable #whats ACTUALLY unreasonable is you asking me to ''just get over'' the fact that yall support people who think i shouldnt have human rights #right wingers will try to gaslight you into believing basic human decency is an unattainable and torturous request #then when you get upset theyll be like ''god the left is so emotional 🙄'' #like yeah. i am. and you should be emotional too about human rights violations. the fact that youre not is pure evil. #anyways ill go cry myself to sleep like a faggot now #it just breaks my heart that i dont have any immediate family members who dont blatantly hate me for being queer/first nations

[sophiearts97]

In every scene,

It's me and Michael

#byler #stranger things #mike wheeler #will byers #st 4 #stranger things 4 #byler fanart #FINALLY I MANAGED TO MAKE PROPER FANART BECAUSE GOD. I WAS FRUSTRATED #REAL PEOPLE ARE HARD TO DRAW #anyways they look sad bc im bracing myself for emotional music playing in the background #will looks like thomas sanders hgsdkhskhs #ok i'll stop now

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

#thank you to Grace for the idea of making his chivarly collar red bull instead <33333 #he was gonna have both collars but then making that one made me suffer so no not today #this was a lot of fun but also made me suffer. but i keep looking at it and being like AAAHHHHH BABY!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!! #can you believe i tried to do this in one night? i cant #i stopped and came back to it and was like 'no way you could do this in one sitting at 1 am' #this is kinda the ascended form of that very first sketch i made for this au! concentrated boy king sebby!!! #i say to myself i need to take a break from drawing complicated things but youll prob see a nando version of this in less than a week ;;; #okay about the drawing(i wrote good tags and then tumblr deleted them so these are a bit inferior AGH): #this is typical pouty seb but is also referenced off a specific pic from AD 2009(beloved) #its very important to me how emotionally open Seb is. im not sure the specific context of this. maybe after a triumph? #but instead of being that typical stoic serious detached kind of ruler; i like him being openly emotional(think AD 2010) #its important as well for his dichotomy with nando and how they choose to portray themselves #seb is very assured in himself and his rule vs. nando who is more insecure and bitter about his #so nando takes strides to portray himself in that more stoic calculating way bcs he feels like it helps him legitimize himself better #whereas seb has absolutely no care for outward public image and shows how he feels and is loved for it(nando hates it but loves it) #not that nando cant be fun and whimsical!! but to me he always seems a bit more mysterious; like i can never tell his true thoughts tbh #anyways i feel like ill finish 10 more drawings before i end up posting the lore pt 2 LMAO #its just a lot harder to organize and layout compared to part 1 which was just an explanation #pt2 would be a mix of more world building/characterization/anecdotes ive talked about with mutuals(LOVE YOU GUYS!!!) #i have a *lot* of ideas (gotta whip out my notes app every once in a while to write down stuff abt it) just hard to put into a coherent pos #sebastian vettel #f1 #formula 1 #f1 art #formula 1 art #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art. #*ill prob make a process post later if anyone is curious!! its fun to write abt my process and influences and such #boy king au

[cathalbravecog]

i'm the antonymph of the internet

#how many tributes to this song will i make in my life #MANY ! it literally changed my life and means a lot to me. i love antonymph and vylet pony's music is worth checking out - please do. #unsupervised internet access as a queer neurodivergent kid anthem !! #i chose to do misty since we all know i like drawing her in experimental pieces and putting her in outfits. she also has art in a gir hoodi #from the clash team in treasure trove!! :D #this is also experimental/stylistic as well!! had fun!! nice to just draw something in one day and not worry. leaves me tired but... #haven't done a nice piece like so in one day in a while!!! i'm very proud :] it's a fun one #anyways... both a little tribute to the song and misty as a character #ihave so many thoughts about misty even if i dont talk publicly on them. shes a very interesting character to me and i care about her so #much. i compared her to fluttershy in the past - and realized that if i liked ttcc as a kid she would've been my favorite. #fluttershy on her own meant a lot to me as a child. including mlp itself as it's one of the core things that got me into drawing art online #a lot of my analysis on misty and headcanons at least on the more emotional scale do come from a bit of projecting but...it makes it more #fun to me when i can put myself into the shoes of a character like her who i already relate to. rrghh too bad im scared to talk about her #too much in nuanced detail in public since some people are... not so nice about her. though i know the tumblr audience is nice and unders #standing!! #anyways from me just having fun being me #i let misty have a little bit of fun... something i think she would possibly enjoy? i do see her as someone who gets nostalgic #and is stuck in more childish things and matters. she wants to play ip dip with you...its very sweet to me. letting myself and her be #confident through a song that means so much to me is kind of powerful to me. i had a lot of fun making this drawing. #anyways. love this song. love ttcc. love mity /p. be swag and be self indulgent and have fun. you can do anything u want forevah #toontown #toontown corporate clash #antonymph #guz art #rainmaker

[smallest-moon]

i choose to believe that gumshoe purposely took his notes there so that he can give actual information to edgeworth (even if it isnt much) and most importantly cheer him up

#ace attorney #detective gumshoe #miles edgeworth #gumworth #mine. #i need to cry a little again about gumshoe #because you know hes smart thoughtful and caring when it comes to edgeworth #maybe its a bit of a leap to some but i do believe in him #and im sure he did it on purpose #and i will never not be emotional about it #cause you just know edgeworth would never talk about things and gumshoe knows this so he finds other ways to support him #including asking phoenix for help #he knows their relation is different but you know hes always there #aaaa... im gonna make myself sad if i think too much about it #anyway gumworth superior ship and theyre going out for dinner together <3 #and yes im purposely ignoring jeans face

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the picnic table scene

#this isnt going to make sense to literally any of you for a long time and im sorry about that #but FUCK was i writing this morning #man. man man man man Man the motivation Hit #this fic might get done after all... #i need. to go sleep. OUASGAHSAKJSNCADCLSKDVMS; #THEY MAKE ME INSANE THEY MAKE ME INSANE #YALL ALREADY KNOW WHO IM TALKING ABOUT #THEY MAKE ME CRAZY AGH AGH AGH #ok. ok. ill sleep. and we'll see if the scene holds up when my brain is Refreshed #absolutely unprompted #throwing myself to the ground and howling #who do i need to BITE #oh 7 am me we're really in it now #literally getting myself too worked up. im. Emotional. i almost feel like tearing up #if that was something i could do lmao #fortunately crying does not come easily to me but in my heart im like. idk. Sobbing #anyway in order to calm down im gonna go think about something that makes me equally insane #which is the OG reason i designed a butterfly look for howdy. yass!howdy's origins <3 #slamming my face through drywall ok bye im off to crazyville where i can catch a layover to sleepytown

[lobotomyladylives]

literally wanna dieeeee I realized belatedly that not only was down bad written for me due to being an alien abduction metaphor song but it perfectly describes my situation w/my ex who dumped me 3 days into our second vacation in his country

#but yknow thats what i get for dating a fucking man last year when i absolutely knew better. i was in a low place & the idea of being #whisked away from europe was an escape for me . we got along really well but the second i showed any emotional weakness he couldnt handle i #oh but he sent a bunch of messages begging me to come back when i was on the plane fleeing to my sisters london flat! lol!!! #i didnt tell you guys about any of this on my old blog when it was happening bc i just knew itd invite a flood of #''why were you even dating a man'' messages. yeah im aware. it was stupid & yet another result of my inability to purge myself of the #desire to be in a relationship my homophobic father wouldnt hate me for. and i didnt think any woman would want me . im over it now #fuck my abusive father fuck men in general im so over the internalized homophobia. ive always preferred women why should i have to #supress that to make my fuckface hypocrite father happy. i only rly care bc i love my half brother & want to be in his life which means #i have to appease dad. but at what goddamn cost #why did i say from europe in that earlier tag. i meant TO europe...im from the us #anyways. what a shit show situation that was. i have never felt so betrayed by anyone except for my dad himself #oh i didnt even mention the worst part yet. when i texted from london asking if our friendship was over too (god. so cringe) he then went #into this spiel about how actually what he said earlier when he was asking me to come back #(that it had been a stupid impulse & biggest mistake of his life) was a lie & it had been a long time coming #IF IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME FLY ACROSS THR ATLANTIC FUCKING OCEAN 3 DAYS AGO FOR YOU #and said hed tell me the reasons but ''didnt want to hurt me'' #i have so much hatred in my heart for this man to this day when i really think about the mind games he was playing. unreal. #and he KNEW i already had massive trust issues

[darlinguistics]

a mindset that helped me a quite a bit in the past and still presently whenever studying a language gets really difficult or overwhelming or you feel like you are making no progress/not retaining anything or that its all pointless is that 1, there is literally nothing wrong with slowly learning a language. and more importantly, 2, sometimes shit needs time to sink in! i remember finishing korean 101 feeling genuinely like i had learned basically nothing and still struggled with the most easy concepts but! when 102 came along suddenly focusing on new material made me realize that the old stuff became intuitive! and that same pattern happens over and over, where a concept seems so awkward and complicated and impossible to grasp and then a few months later while focusing on an entirely different concept i realize the old confusing things are somehow now the 'easy' part that comes naturally! so i guess basically what im saying is i learned to MOVE ON! let yourself zoom out from this one little piece of the language and see the pieces surrounding it and overlapping with it! if a lesson was hard, good! it should have been! you probably wont feel confident in it during or even right after! but the work and energy you put into it isnt a waste just cuz it doesnt immediately pay off, sometimes you have to look away and just move on and trust that the knowledge will settle itself comfortably into your brain while you work on other things, especially if you keep reinforcing it here and there. consistent work will never be a waste even if you dont get immediate payoff. and one day youll wonder when the hell you got so quick at reading or when you memorized a rule or when you learned something you literally were never taught but just observed with your own intuition. so much of language learning is trusting yourself, and trusting this invisible force and process of learning thats bigger than you. it isnt all up to conscious studying and conscious effort and learning, you also need to give yourself time to unconsciously internalize things. and that takes much much longer than a week-long grammar lesson!!

#i know a lot of this is common knowledge/wisdom for language learning but still #no harm in hammering some points home! esp when theyre true!! #langblr #lingblr #korean #studyblr #the time will pass anyway etc etc #not to get overly deep but this also is part of why i really attribute some of my emotional wellbeing/mental health to learning a language #cuz it taught me how to like.. consider my future self #and like understand that im not just living in the present trying to survive but that also im working toward a future version of myself #idk does that make sense ill stop trying to be profound now lol #🌟.txt