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enamoured-x · 3 years

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Long Enough

Luke Alvez x Reader

Summary: You and Luke share an intimate moment.

Word count: 2.8k

a/n: my first Luke fic bc I miss criminal minds and my rewatch had me missing him like crazy. Enjoy!

*Not my gif

As a member of the BAU for five years, you Penelope, JJ, Tara and Emily had grown extremely close over the years. Always having girls night whenever you could squeeze in time between cases. Currently though, girls night had turned into a team night when Rossi overheard you all talking about going to the bar. He of course invited himself which in turn led to him pressuring Spencer to join and then telling Luke to tag along as well. Matt had his kids to go home to so he decided on a rain check but suddenly, your girls night was nonexistent. You weren’t actually upset about it, although you did love talking to the girls about things you didn’t feel comfortable talking about in front of the guys. What you were concerned about was the fact that Luke was coming. He joined the BAU two years ago and somehow you had developed a small crush on the former ranger. He was incredibly sweet and always knew how to make you smile. But you two were closer to best friends than being anything more. You hung out with him all the time, going for runs with him and Roxy in the mornings occasionally or having dinner at his place or yours. Honestly, you two were glued to the hip. Even though you spent days together while working on cases you would both still make plans to hang out. Even crashing at each other’s place for no other reason than not wanting the night to end but not wanting to go home around two in the morning. All of this being the reason why you didn’t want him to know about your feelings for him. You two had something good going and the last thing you wanted to do was ruin it. Some days you thought he already knew with the way you two flirted. But it was all in good fun, it never meant anything, at least not to him.

Which was why you still wished it stayed a girl’s night. Your girls knew all about your predicament, not from your mouth though, apparently you weren’t as sneaky as you thought you were being. They caught on real quick which then began the constant conversations about Luke and what you should do. The girls were all for you telling him, they even had it in their heads that he felt the same but you didn't know if you were willing to take that risk. Willing to risk your friendship and your comfortable work environment.

You had arrived at the bar with Tara, both of you living within a few minutes of each other made it so you two would car pool a lot. Surprisingly the team was already there, gathered around a standing table.

“They you guys are!” Penelope shouted as you two walked over to the table. Your eyes met Luke and you couldn’t help but smile as he flashed you that big grin of his. Pulling you into him as you got to the table, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

“You look great.” He said into your ear, the rest of the team continuing their conversation.

“Thank you, I guess you look alright too.” He barked out a laugh. He didn’t just look alright, he looked delicious. He was wearing an off-white button up with his dark blue jeans and black boots. It was what he usually wore except the soft colored shirt really brought out his tan skin.

“Whatever, I know I look good.” He said and then grabbed a glass on the table and handed it to you, “old fashioned for you.” Your heart warmed at the gesture. You don’t know why you were all that surprised, Luke ordered for you all the time.

“Thank you.” You caught JJ smirking at you and you quickly took a sip of your drink to calm your nerves. You’ve hunted down serial killers but the second your feelings come into question you get scared, unbelievable.

You all slipped into conversation around the table as the night went on.

“Tell them what really happened!” Emily urged you to tell your part of the story of when you decided to go visit her in London. It involved a night out with a rowdy Emily at some bar.

“Emily took it upon herself to start speaking in a British accent after a few drinks.” Emily groaned thinking you were going to defend her actions as you giggled. The table laughed. Luke kept a hand on your waist throughout your whole retelling and when you were about to excuse yourself to get another drink he offered to do it for you.

“I got it.” He said but before he could leave everyone else placed their drink order with him for another round. He groaned and you laughed.

“I’ll go with you.” You said and followed him to the bar. Not before sparing a glance behind you, the whole team eyeing you both and your face flushed as even Spencer and Rossi gave you knowing looks. Jesus, if they knew then Luke had to know. Although Penelope was quick to tell you in the past that Luke might be a profiler but he was still a man therefore he was more than likely clueless about your feelings for him. You held onto that notion as you two came up to the bar. Luke tried to get the bartender’s attention but he was talking to some other people at the other end of the bar. He turned to you, “hold on.” He said before walking his way over to the man. You stayed where you were and before you could look back to see if the team was still watching you, a man took the place right next to you, leaning against the bar as he faced you.

“Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?” He asked, usually you’d admire his dirty blonde hair and his dimples but the only thing on your mind lately was curly brown hair and the most beautiful brown eyes you’d ever seen. You had it bad.

“I’m good. Thanks though.” You said, looking over to where Luke was, finally having got the bartender’s attention.

“Oh come on, just one drink. I just thought you looked really nice in those jeans–” His hand skimmed your thigh and you slapped it away, shocked by the action.

“Do not fucking touch me.” Before you could say anything else, Luke put himself between you and the creep.

“Back the fuck off right now.” Luke told the man. He didn’t look all that bothered as he stood up straight and laughed at Luke. You moved yourself to stand at his side and spared a glance at him. His face tilted up to look down on the man and the harsh glare in his eyes was evidence enough that he was pissed off.

“Chill out, man. Just wanted to have some fun with the pretty lady.” He took his eyes off Luke to look over at you, his gaze made your skin crawl and as if Luke could sense that, he stepped in front of you again and tilted his head to meet the guys eyes again. You were used to creeps who wouldn’t take no for an answer, you were used to having to tell them off and you were obviously more than capable of handling yourself, but something about the way Luke had no problem coming to your defense had you feeling grateful. Maybe even a little refreshing, it was tiring dealing with these kind of men but Luke had no problem with that job.

“She said no, get lost.” Luke demanded. His shoulders were tense and you knew this guy was getting on his nerves for the sole reason that he couldn’t just take no for an answer, he just had to play this game. You grabbed Luke’s arm as you saw the bartender place your drink order in front you both, trying to just get him to ignore the stranger.

“Think I could change her mind.” The guy shrugged and tried to look around him. You pulled at Luke’s arm as he tried to get in the strangers face, “are you fucking serious right now?”

“Okay, let’s calm down.” Rossi’s voice broke the two men’s stare down as he walked up to you three.

“Who the hell are you?” The guy asked. Rossi pulled out his credentials.

“Get lost.” Rossi told him and the douche scurried away as soon as he saw the ID.

“Let’s try not to start a fight on our night off.” Rossi teased as he grabbed the tray of drinks and walked back over to the table. They were all watching you two and you groaned.

“You good?” Luke asked, ignoring the team’s watchful eyes.

“Yeah, you know I don’t need saving, Alvez. I thought you figured that out the other day when I pinned you to the mat at the gym.” You teased him, wanting him to calm down. You knew Luke to be fiercely loyal and extremely protective so him wanting to come to your defense was simply because of that protective nature in him. You admired it.

“Oh how could I forget you on top of me?” He smirked and you hit his arm playfully.

“Shut up, Alvez. Let’s get back to the table.” He laughed as you two made your way back.

“Well, well, well, if you weren’t our girls night and shining armor. Although she doesn’t need one because she can be a badass all on her own and she does not need a man to save her and she clearly could have handled it all on her own.” Penelope smirked at you two and you shook your head as she rambled.

“She does not but doesn’t mean I won’t still try and protect her.” Oh god, your face burned as the others smiled at his sweet words. Emily and Tara shared a knowing look with you. Maybe he did share your feelings after all…

“Anyways,” you said, trying to get the conversation off you two. Eventually they let up and you all slipped into conversation again. Luke kept his arm around your waist and the drinks in your system had you feeling bold enough to place your hand over his where it was resting on your hip. He looked down at you with the action and smiled before placing a kiss to your forehead and then casually kept his conversation with Spencer going. Your heart pounded at the gesture. It was all so intimate, the hand on the waist, his side pressed to yours, the kiss. You were sure to anyone looking over that you two looked like a couple, because friends definitely didn't act like this. JJ was to your right and smiled at you two.

“I think we were right.” She whispered to you and you rolled your eyes.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” You warned her. She shrugged but she still held a small smile.

Eventually everyone started leaving one by one, even Tara who decided to hitch a ride with JJ seeing as you weren’t ready to leave yet. Eventually it was just you and Luke. As always.

You were eyeing a group of people who had just walked in and overheard them talking about the club next door.

“What are you thinking about?” Luke asked as he finished his beer.

“I’m thinking we should check out the place next door, I feel like dancing.” You shrugged and his brows raised.

“Well, let’s go.” He ushered you out having closed the tab right after you two got your last drinks. You were not all that surprised at his eagerness, Luke was always down for anything. He grabbed your hand and interlocked your fingers with his. You couldn’t contain your giggles as you two made your way inside the dark night club, such a drastic change from the laid back bar you were just at.

“Come on.” He said, dragging you to the bar and getting you two more drinks. The crowded and loud atmosphere meant you and Luke were glued together as you both drank and exchanged words. You were practically hugging him at this point with how close you two were but he didn’t seem to mind as his whole arm wrapped around your waist. You definitely weren’t complaining. You two quickly finished your drinks, the cups being filled with mostly ice.

“Come on, you said you wanted to dance.” He pulled you to the dance floor and you two immediately started singing along to the song as he grabbed your hands and danced with you. His smile never left his face and your heart warmed at seeing it. It was one of his most redeeming qualities. A smile that could put you in a good mood no matter what, a smile that could also become something darker with a bit more curl to his lips. You two grabbed onto each other with each song that passed and before you knew what you were doing, you turned around in his hold. You didn’t have to worry about how he would feel with you pressed against him because he eagerly assumed back control and grabbed onto your hips and pressed his body into yours. Your senses were on fire, the feel of all of him pressed against your back, his warm breath at the shell of your ear, it was all consuming, even the music and crowd of people couldn’t pull you away from this moment.

“Is this okay?” He breathed in your ear, just loud enough for you to make out. You tilted your head to the side and he placed a kiss on your neck. Your breath hitched.

“More than okay.” Is all you said before you two started moving again. Luke’s body pressed fully against your back had your heart beating like crazy. You were sure you’d be more shy if you didn’t have a few drinks in you already but the alcohol was doing wonders for you.

You grinded against Luke as your hips rolled together, his hands digging tighter into your waist. You smiled and felt even more emboldened, so you slipped your hand behind you and grabbed onto the back of his neck while holding onto his arm with your other hand. He nuzzled his face into your neck, sending shivers down your spine as his facial hair tickled your skin. Never had you two been this close before, you wanted to blame the alcohol but you and Luke didn’t have more than a few drinks each. No, this was happening of your own volition. And he was participating fully as well.

Luke pressed his cheek against yours, allowing you to feel his stubble against your skin. You turned your head to meet his eyes and you felt a rush go through your body at how close you two were, noses touching now. You two had stopped moving, now too caught up in the moment you two seemed to be frozen in. His breath fanned your lips and his cologne invaded your senses, making your head cloudy with everything that was Luke Alvez.

“Just kiss me already, Alvez.” You said, tired of the waiting, tired of pinning after your best friend when it had been made clear tonight your feelings were definitely not one sided. He smiled and next thing you knew his lips were pressed against yours. The ache for him settled within you as his lips moved against yours, as his tongue found its way in your mouth. You moaned into his as you felt everything else in the room fade away, just you two and a kiss that was going to change everything.

You finally pulled away to breathe. Luke nudged your nose with his causing you to smile.

“Been wanting to do that for a while now.” He said, he then motioned towards the door and he wrapped his arm around your waist as he led you out. Once outside, the cold air nipped at your skin and you reveled in it. The crowded club was not the only thing that had your skin on fire, Luke’s hands and his gaze was doing that just fine.

“A while, huh?” You smirked and pulled him against the brick wall, your back now pressed to it, the cold stone calming you done from the heated kiss you just shared.

“Since I met you.” He placed one hand on your hip and one against the brick right by your head. His smile was making you flush as it was directed solely at you, and those eyes… a mischievous glint in them.

“Took you long enough.” You said, placing your hands at his neck, “now maybe we should make up for lost time…” You trailed off as he raised a brow and smirked as you pulled him to you.

“We should probably get started,” he said against your lips as you two kissed through your smiles, “two years is a long time.” He added, making you giggle into the kiss.

“Then take me home, Alvez.” With those words, he was pulling you to his car.

Luke was definitely worth the wait.

#luke alvez #luke alvez x reader #luke alvez x you #luke alvez imagine #criminal minds

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letsgetusaghostfriend · 3 years

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A Green Day concert, a bloody nose and a coming out – Sunset Curve & Green Day I

Summary: Luke and Bobby got them tickets for the Green Day show in LA on November 2nd 1994, also known as the night Billie Joe punched a homophobe and Alex came out to the guys.

Friendship fic, super Alex & Bobby centred, Luke and Reggie are not straight but don’t know that yet. Also, I know most people think Alex came out way earlier, but he has to not be out for this story to work.

((warnings: homophobia, homophobic language (not fully written out except in the band name of the opening act), slight violence, mentioned: alcohol, underage drinking (I am german, so for me it’s not underage drinking but yeah), in general: swearing))

word count: 4.9k, read here on AO3 x

Luke and Bobby got four tickets for the Green Day show in LA on November 2nd in 1994, it was one of Green Day’s bigger shows at that time. The boys previously have been to other concerts of the band, but the last one was in a small club in ’92, of course, all four of them being way too young for that place. Luke and Reggie were the first ones out of their group to get fake ID’s, mainly to go to gigs and play gigs. In the beginning, Alex thought he would never do the same, too scared of possible consequences, but then Luke used his stupid puppy eyes. (They still work even after Alex crush died, dead and buried). And if he was being honest, it was really helpful for playing clubs if the owners can at least pretend that they believe the four boys are old enough to be there.

Alex was aware that Green Day’s opening act, Pansy Division, was an all-gay band. And he was excited and scared at the same time. He found out because this one kid in his English class, Josh, went to the San Diego show earlier that week and told one of his friends that he shouldn’t go to the LA show as Green Day was just a bunch of “f*g lovers” and not worth their time. So Alex was scared: what if his friends would say the same thing?

They arrive late and the line is massive, Alex anxiety pitches in and reminds him that if it takes too long for them to get inside, he might miss Pansy Divisions performance. Logically he knows that they wouldn’t start letting people in so late that the opening band already starts when most people are not inside yet, but his anxiety is not that into logical thinking. He can’t help being fidgety, at one point Luke noticed and asks him if the crowd is making him uncomfortable. “Yeah, a little bit” Alex responds, not wanting further questions about why he was so anxious. The boys keep close to the bar, staying in the back first, not too excited to get into the crowd just yet. Alex knows the others would be inside the first mosh pit if it wasn’t for his anxiety, but not once did they show any signs of annoyance about his hesitancy. They just patiently wait for Alex to get used to the crowd and atmosphere, never angry when he has a bad day and he never signals that it is okay for them to go into the more crowded areas. Sometimes, especially when Luke doesn’t know where to put his energy he and Reggie go, but they always make sure that at least one person stays with Alex. He probably should tell them how thankful he is for this more often (the others would disagree here since they feel like Alex thanks them too much).

When Pansy Division started playing Alex didn’t expect them to actually sing about hooking up with guys at rock concerts, loving men, having real, deep and meaningful relationships and just, in general, doing normal daily life stuff, living with a boyfriend and how it feels after a breakup. He feels so excited, almost jumping up and down to the beat, not able to put his excited energy out on the drums like he would if it was their own concert. Alex completely forgets to check the guys for any reactions, too involved in the music. He doesn’t see that the other three boys enjoy Pansy Divisions music just as much as he does. He doesn’t see Bobby eyeing him from the side, a knowing glint in his eye.

Alex doesn’t know that Bobby saw the way Alex would look at Luke when they were 14, at Brian from History when they were 15, and how he sometimes looks at pictures from Billie Joe Armstrong in magazines. Bobby also didn’t miss Alex’ obsession with the song Coming Clean. The other boys sometimes forget about how Bobby’s parents are genuine open-minded people, who introduce him to a lot more diverse people than his friends’ parents do. So yes, maybe Alex was discreet enough for Mr Luke Oblivious Patterson and Captain Reg Oblivious Peters, and his parents who anyway only see what they want to see, but not for Bobby. Bobby, who might from an outsider’s perspective looks like he is standing a bit outside this friendship group due to him being less loud and sociable than his friends, but Bobby who loves his friends with all his heart, Bobby who truly sees his friends and knows that this is where he belongs. Seeing the absolute bliss, happiness and excitement streaming from Alex like waves is contagious.

After Pansy Division finished their set and there was a short break before Green Day would start theirs, Bobby slips from their group, mumbling that he would get another beer. Instead, he goes to buy Pansy Divisions EP, because the band was genuinely good but mostly because he knows Alex wouldn’t buy it, but he will definitely want it. On his way to the little corner where they sell the Green Day merch as well as Pansy Division stuff, Bobby realises that it was actually packed, but he soon saw that it was just a long long line for the Green Day merch. Actually, there are so many people he can’t even see the Green Day merch salesperson. He manages to get to the guy who took care of the Pansy Division stuff, he greets him with a head nod and a short “hey”, while scrambling his money out of his pant pockets to count it. He’ll have to nick a bit off of Luke’s beer later, not having enough money left to buy another one. When he reaches out to hand out the money for the CD somebody joins the guy who cared for the merch. Bobby recognises that it’s the singer of Pansy Division and he smiles at him. “Great performance, really enjoyed you guys’ music!”. The singer grins at that and holds out his left hand, which Bobby finds a bit strange, but takes it nonetheless.

“Jon, nice to meet you.”

“Bobby, pleasure is all mine.”

“Ah, you’re a musician yourself!” Jon says while checking out Bobby as if he could tell whether the kid in front of him was any good based on his appearance. It took the guitarist a second to realise that Jon must’ve felt his calloused fingers from playing the guitar during the handshake. “Yeah, I’m actually here with my bandmates.” A voice in his head, that sounds suspiciously like Reggie tunes in with “We’re Sunset Curve, tell your friends.” But Bobby pretty much felt like a child trying to play in the adults’ league, so he doesn’t say anything else. Jon grabs the CD he was about to buy and opens it while asking “So Bobby, is the CD for you or someone else?” Taken aback by that question Bobby tells him without thinking “We kind of always share records. Em, so maybe Sunset Curve?” Jon who was about to sign the inside of the CD case, pauses and looks up again “You’re in Sunset Curve?”

“Yeah, rhythm guitar.” He answers without much of a thought, it takes him two seconds then he adds: “You’ve heard of us?” Jon chuckles at Bobby’s shocked tone.

“Saw you play a few months ago. Didn’t remember your name till Mike mentioned one of your songs, always called you “the band with the cute drummer” actually.” Jon casually explained to a still shell-shocked Bobby. The comment about Alex makes him choke on his own spit though. Jon smirks, but before he can say more Bobby’s mouth starts talking before his brain gave its okay: “You saw us well enough to say that Alex is cute, but you didn’t recognise me?” After the words left his mouth, he feels his face heat up.

‘Way to embarrass yourself by having too much of an ego, Robert, great job’, he thought to himself. But Jon again laughs it off, as if he made a funny joke, smirks and asks if Alex was here tonight.

“He is,” Bobby says, voice cold, “he is also sixteen.”

Now it was Jon’s time to look embarrassed. “Oh shit, never mind then.” He pauses. “Sixteen is a bit young to play that club you played, isn’t it?” He pauses again. “You guys take this whole music thing seriously, I like that!”

More at ease again after Jon’s reaction to Alex’ age, Bobby’s brain finally catches up with everything Jon said before he called Alex cute.

“Wait, Mike as in Mike Dirnt? As in Mike Dirnt mentioned one of our songs?” he asks astounded. Jon laughs at the utter bewilderment that the younger one’s face was showing. But before he could say something about it a loud voice behind Bobby sneers: “Oh look at that, Bobby the f*g lover.” He turns around and sees Andrew from his math class. “Always knew at least one of you would be a shirt lifter!”

Bobby tries to take a deep breath before he answers but Jon beats him to it. “I would really think people were clever enough to listen to lyrics, but you still find the poser ones at these concerts, especially since Dookie got Green Day so popular outside of the scene!” Bobby needed a few seconds to realise that Jon wasn’t even talking to Andrew but instead just talked about him to Bobby and the guy selling the merch.

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that you fucking fairy!” Andrew sneers, stepping closer to Jon. As soon as Andrews anger is directed towards Jon and not Bobby anymore, the guitarists fight instinct kicks in.

“Fairy? Really?” he asks Andrew with a snigger in his voice, “Didn’t know we live in the 50s, Andrew. Learned all these terms from your daddy?” Bobby tries to make his voice sound as degrading as possible. For a second it seems like Andrew might shut up and leave but then Jon starts laughing loudly about Bobby’s comments and before anyone can react Andrew takes a swing and hits Jon right on the mouth. Without thinking, Bobby copies his action and the next thing he knows is that his hand hurts and Andrew has a red square on the side of his face. He glares at the guitarist and strikes again. This time the fist hits Bobby’s nose and he sees black stars in front of his eyes for a few seconds. After that, all hell is breaking loose and Bobby is being pushed around for what feels like a few minutes before he gets pulled aside and finds himself behind the selling booth with Jon by his side who has a busted lip that is still bleeding. Jon has a hand on the teen's shoulder and looks worried at him. “Fuck your nose does not look too good!” he says. Hearing the words Bobby brings his hand up to his nose and winces when he feels a sharp pain as soon as his fingers touch his nose. “Fuuuuuuuuck, Alex is going to kill me!” he groans at the thought of how the blond will react to seeing Bobby like this.

“Hey man, good punch you got on the dickhead there!” an excited voice states beside Bobby, which makes him turn his head probably a bit too quick, considering he just got punched in the face a few minutes before. But the guitarists' instincts were right: standing beside him was no other than Green Days’ singer, Billie Joe Armstrong. The blond (with fading blue in his hair) is smiling at Bobby and continues with “but I think mine was even better” while pointing at something behind Bobby, who turns around just in time to see security carrying a half-conscious Andrew out of the venue.

“You know that guy?”

“He goes to my school!” Bobby answers, still in awe looking after Andrew.

“Oh, you need to tell me about how he looks tomorrow, man I don’t miss high school but I’d love to go to school just to see that!” Billie Joe tells him and Jon, still sounding way too excited. When Bobby turns around again to look at the two musicians in front of him, he catches Jon telling Billie Joe that Bobby is part of the band they talked about the other day. Somehow getting even more excited by the news he fully turns back to Bobby. “Love that! We need more good people in this scene so we can make sure the music stays clean of dudes like that! Well, it was lovely punching homophobes with you Bobby, but I actually have a concert to play!”

And with that Billie Joe is gone through the door leading to the backstage area and Bobby looks at Jon hoping that he can find answers with him (like is he hallucinating?) but he just chuckles at the teenagers in awe face and takes the CD Bobby wanted to buy all along, as well as the money he had already paid and hands both back at the teen with the words “I think you paid enough for this already, thanks for sticking up for me!” And adding, when Bobby tries to give the money back again, “You better go so your bandmates don’t worry and you don’t miss the Green Day show!” Bobby thanks him and with a smile he makes his way back to the other boys while putting the money and the CD into his pockets.

When Alex finally sees Bobby come back to them, he feels relief washing over him. Alex always hates it when they split especially if one of them is on their own and Bobby has been gone for way too long. The first thing Alex notices is that Bobby doesn’t carry any beer or anything else that he could’ve brought from a bar, the second thing is that Bobby’s nose is bleeding. The easing relief is instantly replaced by worry as Alex's brain catches up with his eyes. As soon as the guitarist reaches them Alex starts searching his fanny pack for tissues and anything else that can help with a bloody nose, all while berating Bobby about getting into a fight. Reggie and Luke excitedly ask Bobby about it, but when their bleeding bandmate tries to tell them about what happened Alex just shushes him and gestures for him to look up so that he can take a better look at his nose. While Alex is still cleaning up Bobby’s face the crowd starts cheering and Alex turns around quickly to confirm his suspicion that the main act finally made it on stage. He keeps on cleaning his friends face from now slightly dried blood when he hears Billie Joe's voice over the speakers.

“Sorry guys, I know we’re late, but I had to punch a homophobe…” The rest of the sentence does not reach Alex’ brain as he looks at one of his best friends, whose nose was bleeding after obviously being punched and all he can hear is white noise, while the realisation, that Bobby being the homophobe who was just punched by Green Days’ singer, sets in. He feels a sharp sting in his chest all while feeling overwhelmed by fear, cold naked fear. And his thoughts race through his brain, too fast to actually make any sense, all he knows is that his worst nightmare seems to be coming true: the people he trusts the most will eventually leave him. They will hate him. They will think he is disgusting, and they will leave him. Unconsciously he takes a step back from Bobby, taking both his hands off his friends face but before he can totally spiral into his thoughts, he is caught by Bobby who holds the drummer by his wrists and looks at him like Alex offended him deeply.

“Seriously?” Bobby’s voice comes out sharper than he probably intended, softening his tone as he sees Alex flinch at him, “You actually think I am homophobic? Fuck Alex do you really think that poorly of me?” The guitarists' words and face are both filled with what Alex can only describe as hurt. Bobby attempts to say more but he is cut off by Billie Joe's voice coming over the speakers saying his name.

“A special thanks to Bobby from Sunset Curve! Make sure you check them out they’re a local band that’ll make it big one day, I’ll promise you! I swear, give them less than a year and they’ll be playing here on this very stage! Thanks, Bobby, for helping me punch a dickhead!” And with that they start into their first song, leaving the boys standing completely mind blown in the back, each one trying to comprehend what just happened. After a few seconds, Reggie, Luke and Alex all turn to Bobby with questioning faces, but Bobby concentrates on Alex’ face. “Do you believe me now?” When Alex nods the, still bleeding, guitarist feels relief wash over him. “Good! Because I already have your Christmas present and I literally know no one else who has the same taste that you have!” He actually manages to make Alex smile with his stupid comment, feeling like they might be okay again, he holds onto Alex’ sleeve, needing something to ground him, knowing that Alex is uncomfortable with public affection. He turns to Luke and Reggie who as soon as they have his attention try to bombard him with questions, but he stops them and promises to tell them later.

___

After the concert:

When they leave the venue, a wave of, for L.A. unusually cold air, hits Bobby’s face and clears his head a little, making it easier to think about everything that had happened. As he was the first one out of the four to step out in the cold air, he takes a deep breath before turning around to see the other three boys walk up to him. He notices that Alex pulls his jean jacket tighter around his body, clearly not enjoying the cold air as Bobby does. He smiles at Bobby and then follows Reg and Luke who started walking towards the side street where they parked the van before the concert. The two boys talk animatedly about the Green Days show, analysing every detail. Seeing one of their favourite bands live did distract the two enough for them to not ask any further questions, right now. Alex smile tells Bobby that the same did not count for the blonde boy. Bobby jogs up to Alex to walk beside him, but when he tries to initiate a conversation with his bandmate, the blonde just shakes his head and mumbles, that he has things to think, but as if to calm Bobby down, Alex takes his hand and squeezes it before they reach their van. The van they brought because they actually started to be able to book enough gigs to pay for it (and to actually need it), they all paid for it, even though they don’t talk about the fact that Bobby paid the biggest part, with him having the only parents who actually support the band.

Bobby is driving, with Alex in the passenger seat lost in his thoughts and Luke and Reggie in the back, trying to get Bobby to finally tell them about what happened at the venue. The guitarist promises to tell them as soon as they arrive at the garage, but despite the impatience from Luke and Reggie to find out about everything they still have a quick stop at a small diner on their way home to get their after-concert food.

Alex, Reggie and Luke all go straight for the couch while bobby prefers sitting on the floor, facing them. For a few seconds they all munch happily but soon Luke starts bugging Bobby about what happened at the club, so he puts his sandwich aside and takes a short breath. He doesn’t know where to start, he kind of wants Alex to know that he got the CD for him, but he doesn’t want to put any pressure on Alex, nor does he want the other two to find out about Alex liking boys before Alex wants them to.

“So,” Bobby starts, “we all really liked Pansy Division, right?” he asks with a nervous laugh tinting his words. He looks at the three boys on the couch for confirmation and gets it from two of the boys while Alex looks like he gets scared by the simple indication that he might have really liked the queer band they all saw tonight. Bobby acts like he didn’t see it while deciding, that he won’t tell the blond that Jon was hitting on him. That might be a bit much information for one night. “Well, I thought,” he continues while pulling out the CD he brought earlier “I’ll get us their CD.” He waves the CD then places it on the table in front of the couch so the guys can look at it.

“And that’s where I met one of the band members, Jon, he is the singer.” He looks up at his friends who all stare at him with a mixture of shock and curiosity on their faces, even Alex nervousness seems replaced. ‘I didn’t even get to the really shocking parts yet’, Bobby thought to himself.

“Okay, so we got talking, he found out I play in a band and when he asks for a name to use to sign the CD I just said Sunset Curve, because we always share records, like I mean I don’t even know who owns what anymore!” Luke looks dead serious while nodding his head, Alex starts smiling slightly and Reggie looks like he is trying really hard to separate their shared music collection in his head.

“Anyway, it turns out he saw one of our shows earlier this year and apparently, he was talking about one of our songs with Mike, but before you get too excited, I couldn’t ask him about it because that dick Andrew from my math class interrupted us. He called me a – eh, never mind” he stops himself, giving Alex a short glance – “he started calling me and Jon names and I kind of started making fun of him for using really outdated terms and when Jon laughed about that, Andrew hit him and then I hit Andrew and he hit me back and suddenly everything got crazy. Next thing I know is that I am behind the merch booth with Jon and Billie Joe Armstrong, and Andrew is being carried outside by security.” He tries to rush the words out fast enough so that Luke doesn’t stop him because of the band being recognised and Alex doesn’t stop him because he hit someone.

“And then Billie Joe finds out I am in Sunset Curve and he says something about it being good that more good people will keep the scene going or something and then he pretty much left to play the show and Jon gave me the CD and I went back to you guys so you wouldn’t worry too much.” When he finally finishes his story, he is staring at three really shocked looking faces.

“Mike Dirnt and Billie Joe both know of Sunset Curve?”

“Who knew Bobby is such a badass!”

“You hit Andrew?”

All three started talking at the same time, but then Alex stands up and he looks real mad and everyone else shuts up. Bobby looks at him. “Alex, I didn’t plan to, it just happened. I got so mad when he started calling Jon these awful names and when he hit him, I just snapped.”

“What about our no fighting rule, huh?”

“So, when someone is being super homophobic, I am just supposed to do nothing?”

At that moment Bobby realises that Alex didn’t process until now that Andrew was using homophobic slurs against Bobby and Jon. He sees Alex anger vanish from him in mere seconds, replaced by fear and sadness settling in his eyes. Lips pressed into a thin line Alex sits down on the couch again. It breaks Bobby’s heart to see his friend like this. They all stay silent for a while.

“What did he say?” Alex asks with a voice so quiet Bobby almost misses it.

“Alex,” he sighs, “I am pretty sure you don’t want to know!”

With that Alex's eyes, which were glued to his hands before, snap up and meet Bobby’s. “You know, don’t you?” Alex asks Bobby, seemingly completely forgetting that the other boys are in the room.

Bobby does not know what to answer, not wanting to make Alex come out because he feels like he has to, or because Bobby figured it out already. “I only know what you want me to know, everything else is just a hunch.” He finally settles on.

Alex laughs. “So, you definitely know, and I actually thought I was being subtle.”

“I still love you, you know that, right?” Bobby just needs Alex to know that. Even if this is a weird one, Bobby wants this to be the reaction Alex gets for his first coming out.

It takes Alex a few seconds but finally, he looks up again, searching Bobby’s face for any trace of him lying. As Alex realises that the boy in front of him means what he said he feels like the biggest wave of relief washes over him. This, black-haired, awkward and quiet boy in front of him, who buys CD’s from queer bands, punches one of his classmates because he was being a homophobic bigot to a complete stranger and whose first reaction to Alex half-assed coming out is to tell him that he still loves him. This boy, who is so uncomfortable with most people touching him, who still wants to hold all of their hands all the time, calling them grounding. This boy, who would probably punch more people to protect them because he gets crazy protective about the people he cares about. And suddenly it’s difficult not to start crying and Alex feels like his voice will break if he tries to talk so he just nods.

And in that second, knowing he has Bobby on his side for this, he decides that he wants them all to know. So, he gets up from the couch and “gets on the runway” as Luke likes to call Alex’ nervous walking occasionally. After walking up and down three times, he suddenly stops, turns to Luke and Reg who look super confused by what is happening and he blurts out “Iamgay” so fast that there was no way that any of the guys could’ve understood a single word. So, he takes a deep breath and repeats: “I am gay” while standing there, eyes closed, and breath held.

“Oh, that…” Luke starts, but he gets interrupted by Reggie who says: “That makes so much sense, that is why you were staring at Brian so much last year! That really confused me, man!”

“I was... I was not staring at Brian Denver!” Alex sputters embarrassment creeping in his cheeks.

“You totally were, you even knew who Reg was talking about right away!” Luke laughs and gets up to pull Alex in a big hug, squeezing him tight. Reggie gets a hold of them and pulls them down on the couch where he squeezes between them, and wooshes through Alex’ hair affectionately. Alex, now half sitting on the couch and half lying on Reggie looks up to Bobby, who stands awkwardly in front of the couch. As the other two notice Bobby as well they all kind of freeze in their cuddle pile. Even as Bobby was more comfortable touching his bandmates than he was with touching his parents, or literally anyone else, he still never expressed any interest in being part of a cuddle pile before. Seeing how all of his friends stopped as he approached, the guitarist started taking a step back, but Alex stopped him by holding out his hand for Bobby to take. It takes him a few seconds but finally, he lets himself being pulled on top of Alex into the cuddle pile and even though it feels strange at first he likes the feeling of Alex’ soft t-shirt under his cheek, Reggie’s arm around his waist and the smell of Luke’s cologne.

Later that night Bobby snatches a picture of his best friends still cuddling on the couch hours later, now all fast asleep. He hasn’t shown that picture to anyone except for his daughter when she finds out about the band 25 years later and he decides to tell her about the loves of his life, even if most people wouldn’t recognise them as it since it was purely platonic love. And even though he got married, he never loved anyone as much, with the exception of his daughter, as he loved the three boys who left him when he was just 17 years old.

The next day Bobby snatches a picture of Andrews black eye. He shows that picture to Billie Joe, backstage at an event he attempts without his best friends after the man recognises him as the kid with whom he punched a homophobe. After that Bobby leaves the event early, not being able to hold up the image of Trevor, too consumed by grieve and guilt. Guilt over not being able to protect them. Guilt over not dying with them. Guilt over using their songs.

#julie and the phantoms #sunset curve #fantoms #jatp #alex mercer #bobby/trevor wilson #this is a bobby friendly blog #green day #sunset curve loves green day #that should be canon #reggie peters #luke patterson #friendship fanfic #julie and the phantoms before canon #before canon #set in the 90s #dookie tour #idk if i am missing hashtags

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anna-justice · 4 years

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Lost or Found - 4

Summary: As Jay, Hailey, Kim, Adam and Kevin start their junior year in the wake of a tragic summer, the past year of their lives comes back to haunt them. If you enjoyed Pretty Little Liars, this is for you! *UPSTEAD/BURZEK High School AU

...

4 - Back to December

...

Jay jumped out of the truck and ran towards the house, Hailey racing after him. He spotted his mom standing on the porch and pushed through the crowd of neighbors to get to her. Hailey stayed on his tail, not wanting to get lost in the commotion.

He immediately wrapped his mom in a hug, checking her for any signs of injury. “Are you okay? What happened?” He asked frantically.

Jane looked past her son at the girl standing behind him. “I’m fine. Your father…” She trailed off, she knew how secretive Jay was about his problems, especially when it came to Pat Halstead.

Hailey sensed the awkwardness and smiled softly. “I’ll just wait at the truck, or I can call my aunt?”

Jay sighed, he had completely forgotten that Hailey was there. “No, I’ll drive you home, just, uh, give me a few minutes.” Hailey nodded, wanting to remove herself from the situation as fast as possible. Jay turned back to his mother. “What happened?”

“I got home a little while ago and I found your father passed out on the floor, I couldn’t get him to wake up so, so I panicked and called 911.” Jay hugged his mother once more, letting out a breath of relief. Thankful that this particular incident wasn’t connected to Erin. “Go, take your friend home. I’m fine really, I think your dad is convincing them to let him stay here.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you alone.” Jay searched her face for any inconsistency, but she was solid.

Jane smiled, “I promise. I’ll see you later.”

Hailey watched Jay walk toward her, he was obviously upset. His jaw was clenched and there was an unnatural intensity to his walk. “Everything okay?” She asked as he neared her.

“Yeah,” He snapped. “Let’s go.” Hailey tried not to be hurt by his harsh words, everything wasn’t okay and she wasn’t about to push him on the subject.

The drive back to her house was quiet and tense. Neither of them spoke ,Jay kept his eyes trained on the road and Hailey scrolled through instagram. She wasted no time jumping out when he pulled in her driveway. “Thanks.” She squeaked before shutting the door behind her.

Jay rolled down the passenger side window. “Hailey.” He called after her.”Are you going to be okay?” She nodded and disappeared through the front door.

Jay felt like shit as he drove away, he didn’t want to leave her there alone, but he wasn’t close to good company right now and the last thing he needed was Hailey asking a bunch of questions. He chose to ignore his issues with his father the same way that his father chose to ignore him. However, his mom was a different story. He wasn’t sure what was affected more by Pat’s drinking problem, his dad’s liver or Jane. Will used to share the burden with him, but he was off at college now. Jay had to face the music alone.

…

A few hours later, Hailey stood in the middle of the school supplies section in Target with Adam and Kim. Unfortunately the world doesn’t stop turning when you’re dealing with a stalker/psycho/murderer situation, which meant school was still starting next week.

Adam groaned, glancing down at the list in his hand. “Why did I decide to take AP Chem?”

“To impress me.” Kim throws back, Hailey smirks while Adam throws her a bored look.

“Haha, very funny.” He grumbles and pulls a composition notebook off the shelf. “Do you think Griffin will like me better if I get the one covered with scientific formulas?” He asked, holding up a notebook with slope intercept form and the quadratic formula written all over.

Kim pulls it out of his hands, “Um, I don’t think so.” Adam gives her a look. “Adam these are beginner math formulas, Algebra 2 stuff.”

Adam throws his head against the shelving. “I’m so screwed.”

“Oh, one hundred percent.” Hailey says, earning a laugh from Kim. “Kim I don’t know why you’re taking 5 APs.”

“I’m getting my capstone.” She says, sorting through her different color organized 5-Star notebooks.

Hailey laughed, “You are like one class away from it. But, I’m glad you are because now our schedules are almost identical.”

Adam houghed, “I have 3 classes with Jay’s moody ass.”

Hailey was about to say something, the events of that morning playing in her head, but Kim beat him to it. “Imagine if it was me, if I was the one missing and you had to watch him and Erin be happy.”

Adam sighed, realizing he sounded like a complete dick before, “I know. It’s just, Jay and I have played on the same team since little league. We’ve been friends for years, since way before Erin. I know it’s selfish but I thought losing her meant I got Jay back.” Hailey felt for Adam, he wasn’t one to express himself so openly, at least to her.

Kim took his hand in hers, “We’ll get him back, he needs closure.” She looked to Hailey, “We all do.”

Hailey wasn’t sure if it was really closure that they all needed, they needed to figure out who was threatening them. As far as they knew, no texts had come through since breakfast, but Hailey couldn’t shake the constant feeling of being watched. It felt strange, wrong even, to be back to school shopping in the middle of all this. But clinging to any sense of normalcy seemed to be a theme throughout the group.

They wandered through the rest of the isles, Kim convincing Adam that they didn’t need 3 cases of double stuff oreos for movie night. They rounded the corner and Kim gasped, yanking them both back behind the wall. “Ohmigod, Adam. I think that’s Nadia.”

“What? There’s no way.” He said.

Kim nudged him, “See for yourself.”

Adam poked his head out and quickly turned back to face them, eyes wide. “Holy shit, that’s Nadia.”

“I told you!”

Hailey looked between the two of them, who looked like they were about to pee their pants. “Who the hell is Nadia?”

…

Later that night, continuing the never ending day, the whole scooby gang sat around a firepit on Kim’s porch. Kim insisted that Hailey call Kevin and Adam call Jay as soon as they snuck out of Target and tell them to meet at her house. Hailey still didn’t know what was going on, she didn’t know who this Nadia girl was, but she was sure she had something to do with Erin.

“Okay,” Hailey said, interrupting the nervous chatter. “Is anyone going to tell me who this girl is?”

“Well, not to be weird but, you kinda took her place.” Kim explained.

“Huh?”

Jay spoke up, “She and Erin grew up together, where most of the rest of us met the first week of freshman year.”

“She was the third girl, a little closed off, only really trusted Erin.” Kim said.

“And she had a huge crush on Jay.” Adam butted in.

“Yeah.” Jay spat, “Anyway, Erin was always the jealous type, we started dating around Thanksgiving and by Christmas, Erin had enough dirt on Nadia to get her expelled.”

“Are you serious?” Hailey questioned.

Kim nodded, “Erin blackmailed her out of town, none of us have heard from her since New Years, freshman year. And none of us know what actually happened. Erin told us that she was “a little skank who couldn’t be trusted” and that she had planned to ruin us all. She was protecting us, but now that all seems so stupid.”

“Yeah,” Kevin joined in, “We were horrible to that girl.”

Hailey’s gears were turning over, her mind was running wild. Nadia had to be connected to all of this. Suddenly, Erin’s phone, which was always with Jay, buzzed on the ground.

Blocked ID: I see the whole gang is there. Time to turn up the heat. I know who you all hold dear, the golden boy is also a momma’s boy, the athlete is in the running for fake father of the year, the mystery’s love for her brothers isn’t as much of a secret, the princess isn’t the only one in line for the throne and the heartbreaker, well now there’s someone who could break his. Follow my rules and your loved ones stay safe, don’t, and there will be many funerals in your future. Let the games begin.

Everyone was silent after Jay read the text aloud. It wasn’t just them, everyone they loved were in danger too. Hailey spoke up, airing out her theory. “Think about it. Who in the world hates Erin the most? Who shows back up right after Erin is supposedly gone for good? Who would know all of your secrets? Nadia, guys.” She looks to the rest of her friends, all of them thinking the same thing. “Nadia took Erin.”

...

A/N: For the purposes of this story, Jay’s mother’s name is Jane and Will is older. I know that it differs from the show, but I think for this Will being older works better. Also, I don’t think I had ever mentioned before how long Erin and Jay had been dating, but now it’s a year and a halfish.

#jay halstead #hailey upton #upstead #adam ruzek #kim burgess #burzek #upstead au #burzek au #erin lindsay #kevin atwater #chicago pd #chicago pd au #one chicago

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teacherinthestreets · 4 years

Text

“Appears to Be a Woman”

I set my alarm for 7am. My husband and I had the brooms out and ready. We figured, if we could wake up early on a Sunday to clean up Center City, we should do the same for Kensington. Plus, we’re homeowners in Fishtown and it feels like the neighborly thing to do. We walked under the El, sweeping up glass into piles, and at 9am I popped a headphone in my ear and joined my high school’s Monday morning meeting on Zoom. Since COVID closed down our schools, we’ve been meeting virtually. My colleagues shared their thoughts and feelings as we reflected on recent events. We’re all devastated by how especially scared and traumatized our Black and Brown students and their families must be. The general tone is of bewilderment. One colleague commented on the fact that her husband is a retired police officer and her family members are cops. She expressed her confusion and confoundment- police are trained to handle protesters so why are they doing this?

We headed back home so I could join my students for virtual office hours. As a special education teacher who’s worked in Philadelphia for ten years, I’ve never struggled this much to entertain my students. By nature, I’m silly and a goofball. I tell jokes, don silly cat shirts, and wear a giant purple squid hat when the mood strikes. This is hard to convey online so I’ve resorted to playing lots of games on Kahoot! I always play with them and I always lose, but let’s pretend I lose on purpose.

After the strange school day is done, my husband, friend and I head out on foot to the protest. There is a group of unions gathering together to discuss our role in advocating for change to support People of Color for the betterment of all. I’m wearing my Working Educators shirt, which is bright red and useful in case my friends and I get separated in the crowd. I could barely hear the speakers, but clapped heartily anyway. I saw a former student in the crowd and awkwardly air-hugged him. Then we began our march. Chanting loudly, sometimes in unison, and walking through the streets I love. I was flanked by two colleagues from school as well as my friends and husband. I felt that although this was something small, that’s how most revolutions succeed. Old, archaic systems are pulled asunder through death by a thousand cuts. My cut today was holding aloft my cute and colorful sign of the “This is Fine” dog.

When our group crossed the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, we came to a halt. The police had blocked the bridge we intended to go over. We saw the group flood down the hill and onto 676. My husband and I held hands as we continued the march. What’s a little traffic to get the attention of hundreds for a worthy cause? We saw people in their cars lean out and shout, everything I heard was supportive, but then again I am trained to listen for the good and filter out the bad as there would be no way else to survive teaching high school students otherwise. As we walked under the overpass, I saw a wave of people running towards me. I froze. My husband grabbed me and helped me onto a ledge on the side of the road. When we could move again I saw a line of officers, clad in black. They were at the other end of the bridge so I couldn’t see anymore than that. Suddenly, a girl drops to her knees. She’s crying and bleeding, but I can’t tell from where. A fellow protestor reached into her bag and pulled out a bottle of water to help clean the wound. I turned and saw another fellow protester on the ground, holding his face. He looked unable to stand. I was scared so I started to leave him. There were people around, someone else would help him. I heard someone next to him yell, he’s been hit by rubber bullets and tear gas! Up to this point I didn’t realize we were being shot at. I paused, perplexed. I saw my husband see the man’s distress and move toward the prostrate figure. He picked up cardboard and used it to shield the man. In spite of my trepidation, I knew I had to help as my backpack was full of water and a first aid kit. I crouched down to assist, but we were all soon on our feet as we felt more rubber bullets fly passed us and the smell of tear gas was getting stronger. I felt nips at my ankles. Is that what a rubber bullet feels like? Unfortunately, I would soon find out.

The tear gas began flooding the street. My husband held my hand and we ran. With police surrounding us, we were forced up a hill and into a tall ten foot metal fence. As I stepped up to leave. Whap! I screamed out and fell to the ground. Something hit me in my back and the sting knocked the wind out of me. A fellow protestor to my right grabbed my arm to help me up. At this point, I see my husband and I have broken apart, but I can’t get back to him. I think I’m screaming or crying, maybe both. I breathe in the gas and think, this is how I die. I survived traveling the Middle East alone for a year and I die on the side of 676. I am bent over vomiting when an officer pushes me down to zip tie my hands behind my back. When I realize what is happening I ask him if I can get my ID from my bag which has fallen off when I was blindly and desperately searching for a bottle of water to douse my eyes with. He tells me, you don’t get shit. I ask him if it’s my right to have an ID on me (because I honestly don’t know). He responds angrily, saying I can’t get it. I take a step toward my bag and he pushes me down again and yells something. I’m shaking, begging him, please, please, please, I just want my ID. What if they arrest me and claim they don’t know who I am so I’m kept longer? Please, I beg again, I just want my ID. He tells me to stand up. I try to maneuver my way to standing while on a slant with my hands tied behind my back. The tear gas has got me spun around and sick. I can’t see and the pain in my back is incessant. I am almost up when I feel him push me back down. He then dragged me down the hill backward, over the branches and brambles. I wobbly stand once at the bottom of the hill and get in position. I am relieved even though there is vomit on my chin and snot is streaming down my face. The girl next to me asks if I’m ok and says she wishes she could help me wipe my nose. Some air is coming into my lungs. I start to feel like I might not die, only to realize that I am being arrested.

My mom, dad, friends, family- they all told me to be safe. Be safe? I have never thrown a rock, or broken a window in my life. I’ve never shoved anyone, except when jokingly imitating Elaine from Seinfeld. Why should they be worried about my safety? I was there to support, but I don’t make messes. I help clean them up, that’s what I do. Now, I realize that was my privilege telling me I was safe. My cousin is a cop. I may be against the system, but individuals can see me for who I am: not a threat. That was my privilege. It told me the police would see I was peaceful and I would be fine. As I recall the screams and sobs now, I realize how very wrong I was.

After I was bent over the median, my situation sunk in. I followed orders. Thanked every officer. Yes sir, thank you, sir. I was pat-down, but with no pockets and no bra, I was an easy search. We were moved to the middle of the road and sat on the median. The girl next to me asks me to look at her hand. She wants to know what color it is. It’s turning purple, I tell her. She tries to ask an officer for help. I ask a little louder. We are laughed at and she’s told that they’ll see her in the ICU. I look at the line of those zip-tied and try to see if my husband is there. When I don’t see him I search the crowd above, but my glasses are covered in chemicals. (It turns out he was up at the top of the hill screaming for me he was forced away by police.)

When we are loaded into the white school buses, I feel like I’m in a strange alternate universe. At this point in the school year, we would be taking field trips in a bus similar to this, but not as clean and devoid of bars. The girl behind me is texting on her cell phone backwards. She asks if she can text anyone for me. Oh my god, I’ve been with my husband for seven years and I never memorized his number. I give her my parents numbers and hope they will see the text during their Zoom birthday conference for my aunt. I am relieved when she tells me they responded. Phew. At least someone knows where I am.

We sit on the bus, packed with women, ages ranging from early twenties to thirties. There are a few women crying, but everyone is encouraging each other. Someone asks if anyone has been arrested before. The girl next to me replies, does drunk and disorderly in college count? Everyone else shakes their heads no.

When we reach the station they tell us we are going in five at a time to be processed. The girl who texted my parents for me asks for those who need medical support to let it be known so they can go first. I’m in awe that even in this stressful situation, she has the foresight to be so kind and compassionate towards everyone.

As I am brought in to be processed, I remember my former student in the crowd. I wish I could see if he is ok. I continue to comply in my normal friendly and gracious manner. A young Black woman in my group of five asks why they need her address again. She’s got some flint in her voice, but she doesn’t curse and is respectful. The officers attempting to process her begin a back and forth at one point accusing her of probably never having a job in her whole life. When she asks why they would think that of her and asks whether it is because she is Black, several officers erupt into laughter and mockingly decry the stupidity of her comment. Her friend stands up in her defense and one of the officers tells her to sit her ass down or she can stay the night. He says they could use the company. He yells at her (and us) stating that this is what we get for breaking windows and causing a riot. They protest and are waved away and told to hush-up or they’ll be locked-up.

The officer processing me is polite, when he asks my profession and I tell him I’m a teacher he perks up and asks where I teach. When I tell him he’s genuinely excited as our school is unique and has been a Philly landmark since the 50’s. I’m given my Code Violation Notice for “Failure to Disperse” (I laugh and think that they should give that to the fence for blocking my way, but also wondering if stopping us from dispersing was the point because trapping us on that hill sure felt like it). A polaroid photo of me is taken and a young officer writes my name on the bottom. They point me to the exit. I smile and thank everyone. Like they did me a favor. Like they didn’t have a hand in what I just experienced.

I see the girl who texted my parents outside. She’s passing out water and waiting for her ride. She graciously lends me her phone and I call my mom. I tell her I’m ok, ask her to call my husband and give her my cross streets. I ask her to tell him that I’m just going to start walking home on Montgomery Ave.

I hear my husband’s emblematic “yeerrrp!” and turn around. He’s with two of my other friends who had been trying to retrieve my backpack. I don’t care they weren’t successful, their smiling faces let me know how lucky and loved I am. I think about how this was a strange experience for me, one that I will hopefully never experience again. One that I don’t have to live in fear with experiencing again. Again, I notice my privilege in a new and deeper way. It reminds me why I went to the streets in the first place, why I have chosen Philadelphia as my home. Why I continue to teach in the city that I love and fight for a better future for each of my students.

When I arrive home to Fishtown, we are told that the 26th precinct has a gathering of White men and women with bats, shovels, and axes. After hearing the gathering using racial slurs, cursing, smoking pot, drinking, and yelling about their guns- other Fishtown residents ask the police to disperse the gathering, to which the police’s response was dismissive and cursory.

When home, I read the statement from Mayor Kenney and Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw on what I went through, which was beyond disheartening. I voted for Kenney and I was excited to see a badass Black Commissioner woman take charge (I mean, with the last name Outlaw, I thought she’s got to be great). She stated in her press release, “While on the roadway, the crowd surrounded a State Trooper, who was alone and seated in his vehicle, and began rocking the vehicle, with the trooper having no safe means of egress. Two teams from the Philadelphia Police SWAT Unit arrived. While the SWAT officers were present, members of the crowd began throwing rocks at the officers from the north and south sides, and from the bridges above the officers. The crowd also began rushing toward the officers. The SWAT officers gave numerous orders for the crowd to disperse, to which the crowd did not comply.”

I am too devastated to even respond. Throwing rocks? Rocking a police vehicle? Refusing to disperse? How could these blatant lies be shared so easily? Every detail is false to every second of my experience, but if people in power say it, won’t everyone believe it?

The dichotomy of this day hurts in a profound way. As my adrenaline fades and I hear the encouraging words from my family and friends, I feel like I will be ok. My husband pulls up a video from the news of what happened to us on 676. I watch the situation unfold from above and can pick myself out in some shots because of my bright red shirt. Then I see it. I’m being dragged down the hill and the camera zooms in. The reporters notice and comment at my sorry state and I can’t help, but laugh when one says “[she] appears to be a woman.”

#nojustnopeace #nogoodcopsinaracistsystem #fightthepower #power to the people

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hawkland · 7 years

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Finding His Way

So this is my contribution to Sonny week for @svucharacterappreciation on Tumblr. It’s loosely based around the quote prompt (“I worked Homicide a couple of years. It’s…it’s the women who get you.”) It fits into the continuity of my Spaces In Between fic series, which you can find on AO3.

It’s fairly long - over 4,000 words - and mostly about friendships, not romantic ships. Though of course, me being me, there is background Munch/Fin (and the tiniest hint of Rollisi). The story is mirrored on AO3 if you’d rather read it there.

Sonny pushed open the door with greater force than he’d intended, entering the squad room full of pent-up frustration and annoyance. He’d been doing his best to remain positive and upbeat since getting this new assignment to Manhattan SVU, but some days? That was proving far easier said than done.

Days like today. He’d wasted most of his morning trying to get somewhere with an uncooperative witness; he needed her to give a positive ID, if they were going to make a case. It had taken him days to simply locate her from surveillance footage, and a few people from the neighborhood who recognized her. But she was denying having seen anything, even when he showed her the images proving she had been on the scene.

She claimed she had no knowledge of what had occurred and couldn’t recognize anyone from the line-up photos. A woman was in a coma in the hospital, unable to speak about the man who had dragged her off the street to rape and beat her, and Sonny couldn’t get this one last piece in place that he needed before he could get an arrest warrant for their suspect.

So when he spotted someone unfamiliar hanging out at Fin’s desk—in fact sitting there as if it were somehow his own, scribbling away on a notepad—Sonny walked straight over asked, “Excuse me, sir. Can I help you with something?”

“That depends.” The man rose from where he had made himself at home in Fin’s chair. He was tall—about an inch taller than Sonny—considerably older, and well-dressed. He was also clearly sizing Sonny up in a way that did little to improve the detective’s mood. “Who exactly are you?” the man asked, lowering his head to peer at Sonny over the top of his glasses.

“Detective Dominick Carisi.” Whoever this guy was, in no way did he merit a “Call me Sonny” yet.

“Ah. The new guy,” the stranger said, as if that explained everything. “You can help if you might be able to tell me where Rollins and Fin are at currently. I need to speak with them as soon as possible.”

The assumed familiarity once again jarred him. “Detectives Tutuola and Rollins are out on a case right now. If I can be of assistance instead, I—.”

“No, never mind,” he cut Sonny off with a dismissive wave of the hand. “I was hoping to catch them here instead of making them come all the way down to Hogan Place. It’s regarding the Thompkins rape from last year that’s finally scheduled for trial next week. There’s a few discrepancies between their report and what the victim said on re-interview, during trial prep. We need to make sure everyone’s got their stories straight before the defense can rip any holes in the case.”

So this guy seemed to be someone from the DA’s office, Sonny gathered, realizing he hadn’t even gotten a name yet. “Well I’m sure our detectives wouldn’t lie in their reports. That’s not how things work around here.”

“Oh, I know all about how things work around here, kid. Anyway...I left Fin a message, including a reminder to stop letting his cell phone battery run down all the time, so I can reach him when I need him.”

And with that the man headed off, only stopping as Amaro strolled in. Nick was returning from his lunch break with a paper bag in hand, and seemed incredibly pleased by the surprise visitor.

“Nick! Great to see you out of uniform again.”

“Hey!” The two exchanged smiles and a friendly hug, chatting briefly until the stranger departed. When he did, Sonny went over to Nick and asked, “Who the heck was that?”

“Our former sergeant, John Munch. He’s working out of the DA’s office now.”

“I gathered the last bit. But what’s his deal?”

“Munch?” Nick shook his head and chuckled softly. “If you can ever figure that out, then you’re one up on the rest of us. Except maybe Fin.”

Amaro sat down to focus his attention on his sandwich. Sonny frowned and then shrugged the bizarre encounter off. He had more pressing concerns to address at the moment, including what he was going to say to Sergeant Benson when she returned from her lunch break.

Because Sonny wasn’t a slacker, and he wanted to be here. But he had the feeling his presence wasn’t exactly embraced with open arms just yet.

Time passed. Today, Sonny couldn’t be happier. Proud of himself, though he tried not to be smug about it. They’d made it to the end of a hard week on the job with several tricky cases closed out, and no immediately pressing business for the weekend. He’d even earned the sergeant’s praise for finding a connection between several recent assaults that had ended up bringing in a serial rapist before he could strike again.

And, to further Sonny’s triumphant mood, he’d finally been invited out with his coworkers for a celebratory after-hours drink.

He knew they went out pretty regularly as a group. Maybe not every Friday, but a lot of them. Whenever the week had ended on an “up” instead of “down” note and they had good cause to let off some steam. However it had taken until this particular Friday night for Amanda to ask him, as she grabbed her coat, “Carisi, wanna come with? We’re getting a round or two down the street. And you certainly deserve one for today’s work.”

“Thanks, Rollins. Sure! Let me just...I’ll be right behind you.” He quickly shut down his computer and cleaned up his desk for the weekend. And, he tried not to grin too much as they headed out to the bar together, starting to feel like he might be welcome here after all.

Fin was texting on his phone as they walked along, and Benson asked him, “John joining us?”

“Yeah, on his way.”

“Good.”

Sonny didn’t connect the “John” whom Benson mentioned to the former sergeant he’d met some weeks before. Not until they had settled into their table at the bar and were already one round in, and a voice behind Sonny’s shoulder asked, “Is this seat taken?”

Sonny turned and saw it was none other than that Munch guy again. “No, help yourself,” he replied.

“Thanks.” Munch eased into the empty chair, between Sonny and Fin, and asked, “So who’s buying tonight?”

“I’ll get this round,” Amaro offered, getting up to go to the bar. “Same for everyone?”

“Gin and tonic for me.” After he left, John sighed and said, “I need to have a talk with Nick about how he doesn’t owe me for the rest of his life.”

“Owe you for what?” Sonny asked, curious.

Amanda jumped in with the explanation. “When Nick had some...trouble...before you transferred in, John paid his not insignificant bail.”

“Wow. That was generous.”

“You know what they say about a fool and his money.” John shrugged. “Then again, if he’d high-tailed it out of town on my life savings, at least my exes wouldn’t have been able to milk another dime from me.”

“No, but some of us might’ve kicked your ass for bein’ so gullible,” Fin said.

“I was merely looking out for a friend. Right, ’Liv?”

She smiled. “It’s what you’ve always done, John.”

They enjoyed their second round, after which Olivia announced she needed to head home to relieve Lucy of babysitting duties and spend some quality time with Noah. Amanda and Nick had wandered off to play a round of pool in the other room, leaving Sonny at the table with Munch and Fin.

He’d so far learned that the two of them had been partners at SVU, for quite a few years, before and after Munch had make sergeant. Beyond that, Munch was the one asking the most questions about Sonny and his life experiences. Fin, as usual, remained quiet save the occasional pointed remark.

“So how’d you end up in SVU?” Munch asked.

“Ah, y’know...moving around, trying out different divisions in the force once I got my shield. I worked Homicide for a few years...”

“Ah, Homicide! My old unit.”

“Oh yeah?”

Munch nodded. “In my Baltimore days, before I moved to New York. Years and years ago.”

“Ancient history,” Fin put in for good measure, “which I’ve heard about more times than I care to remember.”

Munch chose to ignore Fin and continued to Sonny, “Homicide’s usually the prestige assignment everyone wants in on. Why’d you leave?”

It wasn’t the first time Sonny had heard that question, because Munch was right. Most detectives fought to get into the “murder police” and were in no rush to leave. Not unless they couldn’t cut it. “I dunno...guess I just decided it wasn’t for me. Always dealing with the dead, it seemed...I mean we get our share of murders in SVU, too, of course. But at least here...sometimes, we get to help the living as well.” He paused, reflecting back. Even from those few years in Homicide, there were cases that plagued his thoughts. Images that haunted him in the early hours of the morning when sleep proved elusive. “The women get to you, there, you know?”

“Oh, believe me, I know. But don’t think the living victims won’t some day get to you even worse.” John finished his drink as Amanda and Nick returned to the table, Rollins declaring victory. Munch turned his attention to Fin and asked, “I’m starting to feel about ready to turn into a pumpkin. Are you good?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Fin eased out of his stool and said, “See you guys on Monday?”

“Let’s hope not until then,” came Amanda’s reply. She gave Munch a hug, and Nick waved good-bye as the two older men departed.

“Nice seeing old partners stay friends like that,” Sonny said. He hadn’t grown that close with any of his previous partners, he supposed thanks to not sticking around once place all that long. He hoped that might change, here at last. Especially, maybe, with Amanda. He liked her. Maybe a little more than he should like a co-worker, but he wasn’t going to push that.

Amanda and Nick shared a secretive look, causing Sonny to knit his brows in concern. “What, am I missing something?”

“You’re a smart detective, you’ll figure it out,” Nick said. That only left Sonny more puzzled than previously—and acutely aware he was still the “new guy”, not trusted with things the others all knew about each other.

It kind of sucked. But he’d keep working at it. He was nothing if not persistent.

Sonny wasn’t completely dense, so it didn’t take him that long to connect the dots.

That John almost always joined them for end-of-the-week drinks, and when he did he never departed without Fin at his side.

The picture on Fin’s desk of the two of them on vacation somewhere, looking a lot more chummy than simply “old partners”.

That Fin wore what looked like a wedding band, despite never mentioning a wife.

And one evening at the bar, Sonny noticed John’s wedding band was an identical match to Fin’s.

“Hey Rollins, can I ask you something?”

It was Monday again. They were walking back from lunch break, coffees in hand. She didn’t raise any objection, so he continued, “Fin and John...John Munch...They’re together, right? Like...married, together?”

She gave him a measured glance, then confirmed, “Uh huh. You heard it from someone?”

“No, figured it out on my own. But I wanted to be sure.”

“They’re not closeted about it, if you’re wondering. Just...quiet.”

“I get that. ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’?”

“More like don’t tell Fin you think they make a cute couple. Not unless you want to get the death scowl or worse from him for at least week,” she warned, finishing her words with a laugh.

“Okay, my lips are sealed. Until or unless Fin mentions it himself.”

Amanda nodded in approval. “You have to understand, Carisi, it’s still tough to be in an openly gay relationship on the force. Fin told me it was especially difficult when they were partners. Our old captain had to work hard sometimes to keep that from becoming an issue with any of the higher-ups.” Amanda talked about their old captain, Don Cragen, quite a bit. Sonny frequently wished he’d known all these people he heard about from the others. There was a lot of history in this unit of SVU, a lot of people who’d seen out their careers here instead of making it a short-term assignment like most did.

“I can appreciate all that. And I’ve certainly gotten the feeling Fin’s a private guy to begin with.”

Amanda chuckled. “No kidding. John told me once that it took them being partners almost two years before Fin even told him he had a son.”

“Fin has a kid?!”

“You see what I mean? By the time I transferred to New York and partnered with him, he was a little more open than that. But not by much.”

“Okay, I only wanted to know, so I didn’t, y’know, say something stupid, some time.”

“You? Say something stupid?” she teased. “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Hey!”

She ribbed him with her elbow. “C’mon. The sarge texted me that Arden came in voluntarily a few minutes ago, so we’ve got a suspect to put on the hot seat. Let’s go light a fire under his ass.”

“I can’t wait.”

“I hate this sitting around. Doing nothing.” Sonny fidgeted, adjusting his tie for the umpteenth time that morning. He understood the legal reasons for it, of course. Since they were both testifying they couldn’t sit in the gallery and hear the proceedings leading up to their appearance. But it felt like a waste of time when they had a full load of cases to be working on at the precinct.

Fin snorted in response. “Do this job long enough, you’ll come to appreciate havin’ some quiet time.”

Sonny glanced over his shoulder at the closed courtroom door. “How d’you think it’s going in there?”

Fin shrugged. “Barba’s no doubt doing everything he can to send those bastards away as long as possible. Hard to deny the evidence, and we got a clean confession from the accomplice who flipped on these two losers. If that jury’s got any common sense it should be a unanimous verdict. A fast one at that.”

“Hope so.” It had been an ugly case, a brutal assault which Barba had managed to convince the grand jury deserved hate crime charges, along with first degree rape. A young man and his boyfriend had been targeted by a group of teens after coming out of a gay bar in the Village. The boyfriend managed to get away and run for help, but not before their victim, Joey Hynes, was dragged off in a van, beaten and sodomized, and then dumped in an abandoned lot near the waterfront. “The way they went at Joey, he’s lucky to be alive. But I don’t know how he’s gonna be able to move on from what happened.”

“It’s gonna take time, like for any other vic. And things won’t ever be the same for him. They’ll get better, but...it’ll always be there, in the back of his mind. Scars that are more than physical.” Sonny looked to Fin, picking up a hint from the sound of his voice. There was something personal about this case for him, more than it being an attack based on the victim being gay. He said nothing, though, knowing Fin well enough by now that he would only open up when he was ready, and at his own pace.

“My son’s husband was attacked, few years ago,” he finally explained. “Situation a lot like this case, part of a gang initiation. It was...he got it real bad. Even worse than Joey. Almost didn’t make it and he’s got some health issues as a result that are gonna be with him for life.”

“Damn. I’m sorry.” Sonny hadn’t known, of course. He thought things over for a moment, and then asked cautiously, “You don’t think Buchanan might try to bring that up? Say you have a bias, an axe to grind?”

“He might. Buchanan is scum, he’ll try his best to dirty you up,” Fin said. “He’ll probably even bring up me bein’ in a gay relationship myself. At this point? It’s not like I care. I might want to kick his ass when I get out of that courtroom, but the best way to deal with that son of a bitch is keepin’ your cool on the stand. Never let him see you sweat. So don’t forget that, Carisi.”

“I won’t.” And Sonny wouldn’t forget this moment of openness from Fin, either. Knowing that Fin trusted him enough to share these details of his life gave him heart, and more determination than ever to do his best today when the bailiff called his name.

Late evening and the corridors of One Hogan Place were dark. Almost as dark as Sonny’s mood, as he headed to the elevators from Barba’s office. Benson had sent him off to deliver files—their continued findings of negligence within the Department of Child Services—so that the ADA could use them in wrapping up this case in court tomorrow. Grayson would be on the stand and Barba wanted to hit her with everything he could to illustrate her complete negligence.

And yet, somehow, it didn’t seem to be enough. Not the evidence—they had plenty of that, more than Sonny wanted to think about—but the potential outcome. Jail time, needed reform within the system... Sure, that would be all good and well. But it wouldn’t bring Keisha Ozuna back to life. It wouldn’t change the fact that she’d been locked in a dog cage, left to starve to death while her mother only cared about getting high.

Finding Keisha in that cage...that would be another one of those images that would never leave Sonny’s mind. It made his soul hurt to think about her, to wonder how many other children out there had or still suffered similar neglect and abuse.

Was Sonny doing all he could to stop that, he wondered? Or was there some other calling where he could do more?

As he walked along, lost in these deep thoughts, he spotted a light on in one room along the way. The squad room for the DA’s Special Investigations Unit. He glanced inside, out of curiosity, and was surprised to recognize the lone man there at work. Sonny stopped and knocked lightly on the open door, catching John Munch’s attention immediately.

“Hey, Sonny!” he said, which made the detective smile. John was the one person who actually did call him that now, without fail. “What has you lurking about at this forsaken hour?”

“Just delivering some files to Barba before heading home.” He stepped into the large room full of empty desks, save John’s. The squad room wasn’t as fancy or modern as the one at the 16th, but it had a comfortable, familiar feeling. An old-fashioned police bullpen, straight out of some gritty crime show on tv. Munch seemed right at home here. “Why are you workin’ so late? I thought cops retired to stop pulling all-nighters.”

“Hmph. I thought so, too. But occasionally there are deadlines that wait for no man’s rest. Judges who won’t hear of another continuance. Besides,” John checked his phone, stretched his neck and rolled his shoulders, “Fin’s stuck in an interrogation that could last most of the night, or so he told me. And on occasion being alone at work is better than being alone at home. But a little company either way is far better.” He indicated to the chair next to his desk and Sonny took it without hesitation.

“Fin tell you about our case that Barba’s trying now?”

“Of course. Plus it’s been all over the news—and the gossip network here at the DA’s. Not easy taking on institutional corruption in this city. But when children are dying? People will finally demand answers—and change.”

“I sure hope so.” Sonny paused, trying to gather his thoughts. Munch was easy to talk to. He’d started to understand why no one at SVU seemed to want to let him go, move on. He was kind of like a priest who would hear your confessions without making you do penance afterwards—though he’d always leave you with something to think about. “Y’know, a while back you told me it’s the living victims who get to you. Now I think they all do, to be honest. The living, the dead...the ones you wonder about, think maybe you could’ve saved them if you’d only gotten there a little sooner. The ones who were crying out for help, but...no one could hear them. Or people pretended they couldn’t hear, so they didn’t have to take any responsibility.”

John nodded, his expression suitably pensive. He then opened the bottom drawer of his desk, and out came two glass tumblers and a bottle of amber liquid.

Sonny grinned. “I thought only lawyers kept a secret stash of Scotch in their desks.”

“You’re not wrong—Scotch is a seemingly natural proclivity of the legal profession which I’ve never had a taste for. This is bourbon.” He poured them both a finger’s worth, then handed Sonny his glass.

“Thanks.”

“Drinking alone is no more fun than sitting at home alone,” John said, raising his glass in a toast, then taking a sip. “Are you debating if SVU is where you should be, Sonny? Because there’s no shame in that; I’ve known some excellent detectives in the past who found it too troubling, too hard on the heart. They went on to do fine work in other departments. Vice, Arson, Major Case...”

“Yeah, no...I don’t know,” he confessed. “If anything...I’m actually studying to take the bar exam. So if I did move somewhere, it wouldn’t be another division of the police. It’d be somewhere else, where maybe I could make more of a difference.”

“I see.”

“I guess the thing I wonder is, do I want to keep trying to catch the bad guys and then leave it up to someone else to bring them to justice? Or do I want to be the one to try to make sure they get what they deserve? Maybe even try to improve the justice system itself, where it seems to keep falling short.”

“Well you know, prosecutors and police...they’re both just different parts of the same whole. Although prosecuting attorneys and law makers don’t have to walk onto fresh crime scenes and stare at bloated bodies, mangled corpses. They don’t need to come face-to-face with a dead baby in a cooler, fished out of the Hudson River. Or look down on the still-beautiful face of an old high school crush, found strangled to death in a parking garage in the middle of winter.” John paused to take a sip of his drink, and Sonny noticed his hand tremble—just a little. And then it passed, John collecting his own thoughts before continuing on. “But they still need to deal with the haunted victims, mourning relatives. Figure out how to tell them when you fail to get an indictment, or lose what seemed like an open-and-shut case in court. There are always going to be faces and voices to haunt you, unless you get out of this kind of work completely. And that’s a lot easier said than done—I mean, look at me,” John finished with a grimace.

Sonny nodded in understanding. He could have sat there talking and drinking with John a lot longer, but he was feeling in need of rest. And he didn’t want to miss court tomorrow. As he contemplated departing, his eyes traveled over the many items on John’s cluttered desk. He recognized the same photo that was on Fin’s of the two of them, a bust of President Kennedy, and a line-up of books which seemed to follow on the JFK theme. “Kennedy must be a big hero of yours?”

“Ah, he was an inspiration to my generation. We genuinely believed, back then, that we could do anything if we put our minds to it. Especially if we worked with—not against—each other. It’s a message too often forgotten today.” He pulled out a book from the stack, then presented it to Sonny. “Have you read this?”

“‘Profiles in Courage.’ Sounds familiar, but no.”

“Give it a read. Then come around again and we’ll talk about it—over another round of bourbon.”

“Thanks—for the drink, and the book. I will.” Sonny stood up to leave, but there was one last question on his mind now. “Hey, since you’re a big fan and all, I’ve always wondered... What do you think happened with his assassination? ’Cause I remember, even back in high school when I read about it, somethin’ didn’t add up to me.”

John practically beamed with pride and excitement. “I knew I liked you, kid. We’ll talk about that next time for sure.” He lowered his gaze and added, conspiratorially, “Don’t mention it to Fin, though. Or else I’ll be banished to sleeping on the sofa and that’s terrible on my lower back.”

“I won’t. Have a good night, John.”

“You do the same.”

And Sonny thought maybe—just maybe—he actually would.

#svucharacterappreciation #sonny carisi #odafin tutuola #john munch #svu #svu fic #my fic #munchfin

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justurneighboorhoodfriendlybg · 5 years

Text

I wrote my suicide letter

When I said people their section, I’m just gonna say it was for therapeutic reasons

What I’m not gonna tell them is that I wrote just in case I’d b too strung out if I’d really do it. Cause the best way it sounds like to do it is an OD

But anyways, that’s not what we’re focusing on

I wrote this and I feel like I shouldn’t share it to here. But I will cause

This is my dairy

This is the page where I can say anything I want

Post anything I want

Do anything I want n still have a good expectation of privacy

Cause on this public platform no one cares about me (lol almost like real life)

But just as a preface: I wrote this in one of our trials n tribulations. And if I sound stupid, please someone inbox me and give me the dose of reality I need. Also the letter started out as just as me venting in the notes on dudes computer and turned into a letter.

And without further ado:

how I feel/my last note

i will never be enough for anyone. I was so stupid to think i would get an happily ever after.

the ONLY reason i won’t kill myself is that it will make the most important person in my life too sad.

but once they die i can’t tell you what I’m going to do

I’m tired

of not being good enough

I’m tired of the way i look

I’m tired of the way i act

I’m tired of having waste my breath on people who don’t want even listen

Im tired of trying so hard to be good

trying so hard to be on the straight and narrow

and no matter what I’m always the fuck up

I’ve failed my mother in so many ways i don’t understand how she still loves me

i really thought arthur loved me, i really thought it was over for me in the dating game

i really thought i had found my soulmate

but he doesn’t want me either

all these girls in his phone, he face timed that girl

trynna link with that other one on tinder

all in the name of the “Threesome”

FUCK THAT

he just wants more, i am not enough. If it was really for the threesome you would have mentioned me

BUT YOU NEVER DO, except for twice and those both were a bust.

also the whole second wife shit

like WTF

i am never gonna have anything

Why did the lord make such a useless life.

just for me to never have anything

well i have my mother

and ruby’

i miss my chikitika

its not that i don’t love madam

but when arthurs done with me he can keep her

ill go back to being alone like i always am

i really wish i could end it all right now without causing my family pain

i haven’t forgotten about my “friends”

which the two most important ones arthur says their fake

but i miss them

i miss them so bad

i need to talk to them more

I know buddy has her mental problems but that doesn’t mean she’s faking

she’s going through a tough time and for the first time in a long ass time she didn’t have me to call and stay on the phone for hours

or with jade

we talked everyday

and now look at us

she doesn’t wan t to be my friend anymore

after All we’ve been through

after all we’ve talked about and experienced together

she’s pissed

cause i went MIA in the time she needed me the most

but this summer didn’t count ( to me at least)

its been a difficult summer and so far a difficult fall

this summer around my birthday, i just completely shut down

I’ve been going through shit too

but i don’t tell anyone

and I’m not going to try either

whats the point?

if i tell my mother, it’ll just make her sadder

i wasn’t there for jade, so why do i expect her to be there for me

and Buddy, i honestly can’t think of a good reason not to tell her. i know she’ll hear me and she’ll definitely understand

but what if she doesn’t

skyway was always me and jades plan

buddy and i were planning on doing a road trip of a life time filled with sights seeing and intense partying

and then we’d overdose together

and actually overdose his time

how much molly is too much?

i bet dying from an overdose of molly is a strangely intense feeling

but dying from an overdose of molly when on about at least 50 abs of acid. Maybe a whole sheet

sounds like id fry my brain

so if i miraculously survive i will be too braindead to even live and ill authorize buddy to pull the plug

cause when this happens i won’t have my mother around, She’ll already be in heaven

hopefully she’s forgotten all about me and she can rejoice in heaven with my grandma forever

i am already dead

my life: useless

the person i called my soulmate: i am not enough for him, i stress hiM out, i give him headaches. I don’t look good enough, i don’t do enough around the house, I’m lazy asf

HE WILL ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE I AM NOT WHAT HE WANTS

he’s still stuck on his ex’s

well they can have him cause I’m not going to keep anyone that doesn’t want to be kept

you know what this looks like? my suicide note

cause ima definitely leave a note. I can’t leave without saying my last words.

and fuck them if they listen to it or not thats on their soul

not mine

incase in the future when/if i do this and I’m too out of it to write letters, I’m going to leave this here. is not like arthur is going to read it. its too long for him too care this much and sit-down and read the whole thing. I’m sure in his mind it’ll be not worth the headache

so i will have some final statements that i think will forever ring true:

To whom it may concern,

im done. Its over. i really did my best to give it the good ole college try, but i can’t anymore. To whomever feels like they should blame yourself; please don’t, Because my mind has been made up, and nothing can change it except the lord himself. Don’t think “well maybe if i texted more/called more/ tried to be more in her life then maybe…. “ its all bullshit. you guys don’t need me in your life. you’ll find better companions, hopefully companions that will be good enough for you.

Jade: i will always love you because you are my best friend. All that time we spent together really helped me become who i was. You’re smart, crafty, beautiful and i know the world is going to want to destroy you in every way possible. be strong, stronger than i was. Cause you deserve the life you want/ With a husband that you’re completely in love with and he loves you back even more. And that he has a six figure job so he can spoil you with everything you desire, and that your kids may grow and prosper. You deserve your jerry, niklous is a dead dream cause you longer want me apart of your life. But thats ok, everyone says friends grow apart but you’ll always be my best friend. So even if I’m not in your life, you’ll always be in mine.

Buddy: my little sensitive sushi. we’ve been best friends forever. You’re one the purest souls. You’re honest, you always keep it real, (lol at least to me) I could never lie to you. And i really haven’t. You just want you to be free, to be happy. Fuck the money, fuc all this other shit. You jus want genuine happiness and love, and i really hope you find it. And i really hope you tell her kids about their tia krystal and that she would have loved them so much, she would have damn been their second mother. buddy i love you and you’re too amazing for this world. Yes, i know you have mental problems but that doesn’t make you any less of a person and it for sure do not mean you’re broken. It doesn’t even make you a bad person. if you haven’t been able to get the pills you need/ or if you don’t want to take them. it’ll all be ok cause those who really love you understand and will see past your brain malfunctioning sometimes. You deserve everything you want in life, and i hope you get it. You have my word and scouts honor that my spirit will try EVERYTHING in its power to come contact you. So don’t be scared if you feel a presence just confirm its me. and if i survive this attempt, bring my aunt the pastor to pray over me. Because i give you the power to tell the doctors to pull the cord, so after my aunts done, please make the right decision.

Payton: I fucking love you, and appreciate you so much. I wish could’ve spoiled you with everything because without you i would no have made it through tay or driving up to providence. You’ve been though so much already, i really don’t want you to be sad over this. Please live your best life to its full extent because the world needs you. You’re the ultimate mom friend, and if you ever have kids (or adopt some) I know you’ll be the biggest blessing in their life and the best soccer mom EVER.

Natalie & Isai: Im sorry to join you into one, but you both have been there for me through childish shit. But in the end both of you remained my real friends. natalie made my elementary school days fun and isai made middle school not horrible. I remember our little big squad. I remember angel, marco, that partially sociopathic girl, brittany, stephanie, lester and all the dumb shit we did. I remember feeling guilty for giving that poor teacher a heart attack. I’m getting off topic, that was always my problem, i could never focus on my tasks at hand. but i do love you both, and hope you both can handle everything life is going to through at you.

A.: I loved you. i loved you so completely that i lost myself in you. I didn’t do anything without you and i didn’t want to. but no matter how much i loved you, you didn’t see it. You didn’t recognize that I was putting my whole heart into what we had. I was trying so hard and its like it didn’t even matter,

I think that we fell in love because we were both hurt and needed someone . No matter how much you said you did, but you didn’t love me like i loved you. You were always more than enough for me, it even felt like i didn’t deserve you. but don’t blame yourself for my decision. It was a long time coming. Arthur, i hope you find someone that will be enough for you. The woman of your dreams, that you can actually see the love she gives you. She’s prolly african, she’ll cook all your favorite shit. Your family will love her and your kids will carry down the strong blood of your family. Thank you for trying to help me even though i’m clearly not your soulmate. But don’t blame yourself for this decision, take the best care of madam. Thats all i ask. Don’t give her away or sell her. And i wish dogs could read or understand because she’ll never get why she’ll never see me again. But thank you for the love you showed and just know that i won’t love anyone else like i loved you.

and everybody please:

Don’t miss me when I’m gone because I’ve simply just moved on. my decaying diseased flesh suit was only holding my spirit back. my soul has moved on to its next step and you should too.

Signed

Krystal Liana Fortuna Febles Guevara Santos (& almost Baygboe)

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