#anyways. i am going to have a cry and try to sleep

[wileys-russo]

aitana bonmatí “but you always do it”, locker room

you can do it II a.bonmatí

"looking a little worse for wear there amiga." you sent a side eye to mapi who held her hands up in defence with a whistle at the withering glare, slinking away to go bother someone else.

"ay chica why is your girl so grumpy?" patri chuckled to aitana watching the interaction, the huffs and glares sent by you to anyone who came within five feet of you incredibly out of character.

"do not ask." aitana sighed knowing full well why you were being so stand offish, having kept her distance all morning and walking on egg shells with every interaction.

"what did you do tana?" frido grinned from on her other side with a raised eyebrow as the girl laced up her boots and frowned. "nothing! she is not angry, she is tired." aitana sighed with a roll of her eyes.

"i will ask again, what did you do?" frido laughed as the shorter girl bumper her shoulder into the swede's. "nothing. we got a puppy, sí?" the midfielder started to explain as both patri and frido nodded, everyone having been fighting for days now to come and meet your new fur baby.

"well, she has been trying to crate train him but it is not going well." your girlfriend sighed, watching with a wince as you struggled to get your boots on, grumbling in annoyance to yourself under your breath.

"he just cries and cries until she sits beside the crate or lets him out. so she has barely been sleeping but she will not listen to me about ignoring him crying so he learns she will not come every time!" the brunette explained with a roll of her eyes as the girls either side of her hummed in understanding.

"ah, so it is your fault." patri hummed as frido agreed and the shorter girl looked at them both in bewilderment. "no! it is her fault for not listening to me and listening to the dog instead." aitana huffed pulling her socks up.

"sure tana, go tell your girlfriend that. i am sure that will improve her mood!" frido chuckled, squeezing her shoulder as she and patri stood to leave the locker room, most of the girls having already filed out to the pitch for training.

watching you on your phone as you were now ready for training aitana sighed knowing you were likely watching the puppy camera you'd insisted on having installed so in the brief times neither of you weren't home you could keep an eye on your new fur baby, and you'd even sprung for the more expensive one which allowed you to speak to it through an app.

grabbing her hairbrush and an elastic you looked up as aitana sat down beside you, a hopeful smile on her face as you spied the objects in her hand.

"tana por favor i am too tired, do it yourself or ask ingrid." you sighed, clicking off your phone and dumping it in your bag as you rubbed your eyes.

"but you always do it." the brunette pushed gently, knocking her knee against yours and smiling softly as you shook your head, face buried in your hands. "not today amor."

"lo sé cari, i know you are tired i heard you get up and down and up and down and-" aitana shut up the moment your eyes glared at her, grinning apologetically.

"if you heard me so many times the you could have gotten up and helped aitana." your girlfriend winced at the use of her full name, something that rarely left your lips and only further cemented your bad mood today.

"lo siento mi amor. how about tonight i will be on puppy duty?" she offered as you gave her a suspicious look. "really?" you questioned, your girlfriend never having offered before not that you'd really asked given the dog was mostly your idea anyway.

"but. i will be doing it my way bebé, he needs to learn that just because he cries you will not go running to him every time or else he will not adjust to the crate, no?" she spoke firmly but softly as you sighed and nodded, knowing even if you'd struggled to do so that she was right.

"perfecto. so tonight i will sleep downstairs in the spare room, i will put el perrito in his crate just outside the door and you will get a good nights sleep. vale?" your girlfriend raised an eyebrow as you nodded, aitana relaxing as a small smile graced your features.

"vale. muchas gracias mi vida." you leaned in to peck her lips sweetly a few times before tugging the hairbrush and elastic from her hand, chuckling as within seconds she was sat expectantly on the floor between your legs ready for you to braid her hair.

"now if only el perrito was as well trained as you tana." "amor!"

#woso community #woso #woso x reader #aitana bonmati #aitana bonmati x reader #woso fanfics #woso imagine #woso blurbs

[luveline]

I'm sorry to send you such a loaded question, but as a young adult, how do you stay motivated and... I don't know, do the things you have to do? Ever since I left high school, I've felt that it's hard to commit to anything, especially the things I have to commit to in order to have a future, because everything seems so monotonous and uninteresting and stressful to me; because I feel like I'm not capable of doing anything, of being competent.

Anyways, I love your blog. Your writings are one of the few things that make me happy on the worst days xx

that’s okay! I’m gonna try and answer you clearly !! cw for suicide mention

So first I want to say that I’m really sorry you feel this way! It’s quite a heart ache to feel uninspired or uninterested, or worse to feel like you’re not capable of doing things everyone else is doing. You deserve to wake up and feel happy and confident in yourself and your abilities! And I want to say I’m sorry in advance if this is not quite the answer you’re asking me for!

so, when I was around 18/19 (and well beyond those years, but this was when I was very done and defeated and, you know, crying myself sick every night if I wasn’t just laying in bed) I was in university, but I didn’t finish the year at campus, and I had to go home. I’m not sure if this is something I should be saying because it’s so personal but I just want to sort of be honest with you cos I don’t want you to think you’re alone in that feeling. But anyways I had to go home, I was really lonely and I just felt like I couldn’t do what everyone else was doing, like there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t cope with the kitchen, I couldn’t use the bathroom there, I didn’t know how to turn the heating on, couldn’t talk to people, couldn’t navigate the bus by myself, and I felt so pathetically stupid, I had such low self esteem for myself that I felt like I should kill myself just because I was so useless —I didn’t WANT to understand these things. I just didn’t want to do anything. And the reason I’m mentioning it is because while I don’t think it’s okay to assume these things of you, I want to emphasise that there can be a common link between feeling like you aren’t capable and a mental health issue! Of course, you can feel quite useless without that though, so not telling you that that’s definitely what you have going on but more wanting to say that if you think it might be useful, you can have a look at mental health issues and perhaps see if you’re relating to them. But beyond that, hopefully on the way to answering your question, is how I managed to feel more capable and how I now find motivation to do things I have to do.

I sort of had to do a reset, or a sabbatical! I’ve always been an upset person unfortunately, and I had a long few months where I didn’t do anything at all. I’m really, really fortunate that my mother let me stay at home while this was happening however reluctant she was, I can’t imagine really what I would’ve done or what could’ve happened to me if she didn’t let me stay there. I always thought about how she could’ve just turned me out and she probably wanted to, because for months I stayed in bed. I didn’t talk to anybody, deleted all my social media, and I stewed in how much I hated myself for not being any good at anything. I felt soooo stupid and so alone, and I probably cried myself to sleep every night wondering about my life and if I’d ever have the motivation to go on. There are still times now where I am intensely upset and unsure about things and what I’m capable of, but the difference between then and now, and the reason for my motivation I think, was that I was able to foster a need for something? I’m really so sorry if this sounds like total total nonsense, but I needed something. I wanted so badly for someone to “save me” from my not being able to do things, I spent a lot of time thinking about that. Like, how I could be saved. And then I strung out the middle man without realising I was doing it! It is very hard to go from having no motivation and no sense of self ability to then being confident, but I do think you can do it! I needed someone to get me a job and I ended up doing it myself, I needed someone to be gentle with me when I was sad so I started speaking to myself with a more kind inner voice and seeing myself as someone who didn’t need to be perfect to be good.

There was lots of bits of advice I tried to take on. Not all of it is kind to myself, some of it is though!! Like, for example, there’s a sort of parody of it now that says “I think you’re thinking about yourself too much” but one of the ways I stopped hating myself and instead started to believe I could do things and achieve was by thinking about the level of self obsession I was feeling to constantly think of myself. And I promise I’m not trying to say something hurtful to you, I absolutely don’t believe you’re self obsessed, but you’re also not incapable!! In a slightly more annoying take on your feelings, why can’t you do it if everyone else can? You absolutely can! I personally believe sweetheart that you can do everything I can, but you need more support, or you need to be fostered with some love. You are not incapable, you are not incompetent, you are a smart, kind, and important person. There is nobody else like you on the entire planet and I’m better for it that you’re here.

I apologise profusely if I’m projecting too much on you, I’m not trying to say you must feel exactly as I did years ago, but I think your ask really is important and I really want to give you an answer to your question because I know I felt exactly the same at some point. Working toward a future self I didn’t even like or believe in was boring. Nothing in me wanted to work hard or study or continue because I didn’t look forward to achievement.

sorry this is all so long! Hopefully this last bit is the actual advice you might be able to use. Beyond that wisdom about trying not to dedicate too much time to thinking of myself, there are lots of “rules” I tend to live by, in order to just keep going forward. For starters, you deserve to have fun. You deserve good food, nice clothes (not showy though you deserve those too, but nice sturdy clothing), a warm safe house, and you need to work for it! We defo deserve to work less for things but I keep going and trying to better myself because I know I need to do this in order to be comfortable. This will sound out of left field, because the focus of the book is not strictly motivation, but there’s a graphic novel called my lesbian experience with loneliness by Nagata Kabi that has stuck with me because she has this same sort of view as to feeling like she’s stuck in monotony, and there’s one bit in particular where she talks about doing things for yourself you might not do, I.e making sure you have underwear and socks that are clean and whole. I grew up poor and I’m not super rich now either, but since I read that, one of my priorities is having whole and clean underwear, and that did help me find the motivation to work or to study. We need to function in a way to maintain good standards for ourselves, and even if you have boxes of clean socks, there might be something in your life you can think about working toward! I throw away underwear or any clothes that don’t fit me right, and I don’t feel guilty about it when I would’ve before because I know that feeling well dressed is good for your heart. Does that make sense? To give yourself a good standard of life, you have to keep going. As well as that, another way I stay motivated to go on which I’ve talked about before maybe (not that I expect you to have read this) is my writing. I’m motivated sometimes to do things I have to if only because I need free time to think deeply about the things I want to think about. Also I love writing more than pretty much anything, even if most writers will look at what I’m doing and laugh or wonder why I’d dedicate so much time to some things in particular, because I love it. If I can make sure my rent is paid every month, that’s a promise I have a room to sit in every night where I can write whatever story I want! Another motivation is my ability to give bits of myself? It sounds ridiculous because I don’t genuinely believe I’m giving myself to people but to try and be a positive part of someone life is a good place to start if you feel purposeless. My relationships with my sisters are a tether for me and I’ve tried so hard and so much to make these relationships count, as well as with long distance friends, and recently ish I got back into contact with friends I couldn’t maintain relationships with when I was feeling down, and now my life feels very changed. I don’t live solely for myself, (though it’s okay if you do, because its hard and sometimes a lot of pressure to live for and around others) so that gives my life more purpose, and gives me more reason to do things I have to do. I also desperately enjoy this blog !!

I’m genuinely so sorry if this is all useless. I’ve been typing this answer since like 1:05 and it’s much later now, but it’s because it’s hard to describe to you the things that give motivation, because I know deep down how impossible it feels when you have none. I don’t expect you to read this and think aw jade you’ve solved it I’m fine now actually, I just hope that one thing in here can lend you an idea as to what to do next. If you’re struggling to go on, there are lots of options available to you in the UK such as the SHOUT text line for stress, depression, and eating disorders. They’re free to text and anonymous! I don’t think there’s one answer to giving yourself purpose, it is a very hard life and I don’t blame you for feeling incapable or bored or worried or anything you’re feeling, but I do for sure know you can do this, because I can do it, if that makes sense. Like I bet we’re extremely different people on account of uniqueness but also bet we have so many similarities!! And I certainly don’t mind guessing that you’re a loving, caring, person who deserves to feel more fulfilled. It’s my recommendation that you try to understand why you’re not feeling your best right now, that you talk to someone if you can, that you have some faith in yourself, and that you treat yourself with the same love and patience as you would any other person experiencing burnout! again I’m so so sorry if this is all rubbish. I’m forcing myself to stop now. So sorry if it doesn’t make sense or if half of this is completely unrelated to what you’re asking. I love you and I hope you feel better, genuinely truly ❤️❤️❤️❤️

#jade's asks #ily

[clueless1995]

ok reading a book by candlelight CANCELLED due to my brain

#had a panic attack thinking too much about if this med doesn’t work #well. having #tw self harm #im still really overstimulated or maybe understimulted but the only way i could start to calm down is cutting myself #which by the way is so embarrassing like im an adult i’ve been in therapy for years why do i still do this #it’s not even out of self hatred anymore it’s just the only thing that relieves the pressure of Being for a why #while* #anyways. i am going to have a cry and try to sleep #it will not work due to me having a three hour nap this afternoon #but it is something #sorry for whinging so much on here again. just gotta make it to monday

[slutdge]

Not to get deep here or anything but i really think i dont want to have a relationship with my sister anymore and ive been reflecting on that a lot. like sure she didnt abuse me or really do anything to directly traumatize me, but she voted against me having human rights because im queer, as well as voting for a party that wants to harm first nations people despite both of us being first nations i just.... i dont think i can forgive her for that. weve had laughs and good times together but i find myself unable to forgive her for her politics. i wouldn't tolerate bigotry from anyone else, i shouldnt tolerate it from someone just cause theyre family.

#can anyone provide me guidance on this? ill bring it up with my therapist but i dont see her for another week #anyways im making myself cry late at night whats new lol ive been processing a lot this week #ok eta: and theyll always make you feel bad for this!!!!! #theyll be like ''ok so everyone has to bend to your commie regime to have a relationship with you 🙄'' #like yeah actually you do #if you really loved me like you claim to you wouldnt be FUCKING VOTING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE MY RIGHTS AWAY #yes you do have to respect my rights if you want to have a relationship with me that is completely reasonable #whats ACTUALLY unreasonable is you asking me to ''just get over'' the fact that yall support people who think i shouldnt have human rights #right wingers will try to gaslight you into believing basic human decency is an unattainable and torturous request #then when you get upset theyll be like ''god the left is so emotional 🙄'' #like yeah. i am. and you should be emotional too about human rights violations. the fact that youre not is pure evil. #anyways ill go cry myself to sleep like a faggot now #it just breaks my heart that i dont have any immediate family members who dont blatantly hate me for being queer/first nations

[miallurk]

In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!

#i am losing my sanity day by day #drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day #why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about #don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha #ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't #fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess #am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story! #i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow #vent ig #my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol #nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays #at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig #anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs #when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop #anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go #please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you #i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just. #all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this #for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect #and care made me expect it more? fuck #i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person. #everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things #long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider #my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at #at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person. #my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got #to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me. #this is showing so many issues. #so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12 #i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering

[soldier-poet-king]

just reminded that the man who was thursday exists and maybe i DIDNT want to be reminded of that tonight. how about it huh. maybe i DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABT THAT TODAY

#the duality of fran #AND my shitty nailpolish is already chipping #folks do not try the natural plant based polishes they suck ass #USE THE EVIL CHEMICAL ONES. unfortunately i am going to inhale polish fumes bc this is the one thing i do regularly #anyway im >:(((( about remembering thursday. maybe i DONT WANT TO DRINK OF THE CUP. DID U EVER CONSIDER #THAT I AM. SOFT AND LONELY AND WEAK. AND WOULD LIKE TO BE CODDLED #anyway. i have to go get ready for work tmrw and go sleep. but just know. i am both fuming AND pining #(and also secretly a little joyful bc rose made me cry with kindness)

[mormorando]

does anybody know how to manage arachnophobia? i'm physically shaking, covered in snot and tears, tired, but unable to go to sleep because i don't know where the spider in my room went

#mine #i ran for the vacuum cleaner but the spider was gone when i came back #and oh my fucjing god i cannot possibly go to sleep #i fucking screamed then i WHIMPERED out of fear just trying to step into my fucking room #i thought since i have the vacuum here anyway now i could just vacuum all under and behind my bed even though it's 2am #but i'm terrified of moving my bed #i imagine some kind of a spider nest or eggs there i'm fucking SHAKING man i don't know how to function i literally need therapy i think #this is UNMANAGEABLE i hate being so terrified i'm still crying and there's NO ONE to help me #in fact i must somehow make it without screaming if i find it again #or it finds me #because my roommate will be angry with me #i just called my father shaking and barely able to speak begging him to come to my place tomorrow and buy me some anti spider spray #or else one of those electrical devices #they scare spiders away #but like i said #i??? really mean it when i say i cried and screamed #now i'm just standing here in the cold room dreading the idea of going to bed because I KNOW if they're coming from somewhere it's THERE #jfc #i have to have my father help me #ohhh my fucking god i think i'll puke. #i literally think i need some anti-phobia therapy honestly #i can't wake up my roommate again i can't #godgodgodgodgodgod #what fucking punishment is this i can't move i am frozen to this spot anyway i move it'll be there #i don't fucking know what terrifies me so fucking much They're just little insects but i'm still frozen in spot nauseous and crying

[three-bunnies-in-a-trenchcoat]

I'm pretty sure what I just had wasn't a breakdown but it sure fucking felt like one

#to recap. there was a mouse and a bag in my room. freaked me out. i removed the bag but the mouse remained. #i kept hearing it. i kept thinking it was trying to climb up onto the bed or it was already on me #this continued for a span of around 20 minutes that felt like an hour #finally i stopped trying to sleep. eventually i started crying. i am now upstairs in my sisters old room where i know mice cant get #i am terrified still and exhausted because it is five am and i havent slept. my leg muscles are jittery #anyway i feel miserable. i am going to give my best attempt at sleeping and if that doesnt work #i have several hours of zelda speedruns to watch. or i might just cry some more. #mb's two am rambling

[pebblezone]

this Tylenol ain’t shit w

#talkingcore #emotions. man. #there’s so much music that I just haven’t listened to in a bit and it’s making me feel things it’s not even like sad things I’m like damn #how long has it been since I’ve listened to beautiful stranger by Madonna as featured in Austin powers international man of mystery #but also something in my brain feels like it needs to cry like I don’t feel like I physically can but something needs to be released #so do I go pet sounds? smile? falsettos? I feel like I need to be in a sleeping bag and Contemplate #fun fact! Kendra Morris has an absolutely stunning cover of don’t talk (put your head on my shoulders) #I’m pretty neutral on beach boys covers tbh I’m never crazy about them since like they really never measure up #how many mid covers of god only knows can I take? not many. but like she & him have their little Brian Wilson tribute I like that. #the covers are a lot better when they don’t try to perfectly replicate whatever the fuck Brian Wilson was doing they aren’t him #brain wants to go melancholy mode but I’ve no clue over what. girl just tell me what I’m supposed to be sad over I’ll commit to the bit #need to keep listening to new stuff but also need old stuff Maybe that’s it maybe I just need old stuff again? like routine?? shit idk #also like at 5 am I woke up and remembered how in choir people kept comparing me to the director they had the year before me #and the thing is she had the same name as someone else in choir that was student teaching my first semester so I kept thinking they were #referring to her Id be in my choir fit my silly suit my proud butch uniform and they’d be like oh this is so ‘insert name’! #and it kept throwing me off because the student teacher was like. not like me at all so I was like fuck #what kind of girl core energies am I accidentally emitting this is Bad. so anyway 5 am I’m like fuck it I need to research this person #I search. find her. she’s butch. I’m blessed. they weren’t lying like man we do such a good job at being generic! yay! #butch And in choir! love to see it! keep thinking how I am destined to be like in my 40s doing mundane tasks #I’m gonna be soooooo good at watering plants and putting salt on the sidewalk before it snows and cleaning drains #need to be a dad mom so fucking bad you don’t get it I need to drive carpool and take off work for dentist trips and watch hgtv #AHHHH i think that got rid of some of the sad lfg💥💥💥💥this must be super long god damn sorry

[mercuryislove]

#i dont mean to be dramatic or anything but #july is the worst month for a million reasons but the main one is that i truly am ALWAYS consumed by the need to kill myself the whole month #i feel my brain turning to ooze and im miserable #convinced that i am unloved and talentless and a waste of space and that i should save everyone the trouble and just off myself #this is not a cry for help but sometimes im convinced there is no light at the end of this tunnel #anyway it doesnt help that i havent had more than like three hours of sleep a night in a week #and that it's so hot i cant breathe when i go outside #and that nothing is fun or enjoyable and i feel trapped and cornered and useless and unhappy #i feel disgusting and ugly and rancid #unfit for human contact! #anyway! im going to take a migraine pill and try to exercise. maybe have a snack. who's to say. #suicide mention

[peapod20001]

I wonder how many times I’ve googled whether I’m having a panic attack or an anxiety attack...

#vent #hohohahhaoho anyways #I am sooooo bad responding to things.... #anyways I’m literally less than five seconds my heartbeat shot up to 144 bpm so. fun <3 my lucky number 44 wouldn’t have it any other way #anyways I need to cry but I can’t cry so you understand. I’m pacing my room and standing with locked knees #and trying not to fumble or bump into things while makin my sister a snack while smilin and being normal <3 #do u understand. ough what is with TODAY whhhhh. is it the aderall?? did the adderall fuck me up today?? or ?? wha?? #oghghgg why am I so sweaty JUST in my pits like that’s the WORST spot to be sweaty in #kitty is here <3 she can sense when I’m crazy 🤪🤪 #I’m at 160 now <3 ogohohoo ahhhhh I can’t lay down right like that the one thing you shouldn’t do with a fast heart rate #hoho anyways the crippling fear of not being who I need to be for the people I need in order to be #sounds chaotic and strange cus of phrasing but. you understand #anyways my heart doesn’t even get like this when I’m like. performing a full page monologue in front of my peers #I can pretend to be a cat for a minute and a half and tell the dog to stay in their place and not get into mine #uhmmm yea idk I want people to feel comfortable being serious around me and prove I’m the friend to go to for things or be the one who under #understands. but I always feel like. a pariah. is that the word? idk. when I feel confronted with things all I can do is like. run away. cry #suffer alone cus it’s what I deserve. yeaaaa I’m going insane can you tell I think this is the first time since like. February where I feeL #SO bad ugh idk what. I did this to myself the fuck?? haha. hope it doesn’t stress me to hair loss and skin picking and disorderd eating and #bad (or should I say worse HA) sleep habits. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sorry my problems are minuscule to others and I haven’t had a day of #any real discrimination or struggle in my life #i have everything I need. all I have to worry about is doing class work and attending lectures and watching plays. I don’t have to get thing #a myself or worry about food or a place to live. wooofff uhmmm. I wish I had someone here to squeeze me until I don’t feel like crying any #more. oh I feel so bad what the hell. and my nail is breaking ahahaha imagine. a life where my biggest problem I have to face is #a nail breaking mhmhmhaha #haha when you hold in your tears so hard your nose drenches your chin. sorry that’s gross ahaha idk what I’m doing flooding your dash with. #whatever this is. I’ll try to stop now. sorry

[icewindandboringhorror]

i can tell summer has been very hot and annoying to me this year because just seeing snow in the sims is enough to be deeply emotionally moving 

#like it doesn't even look that nice. its just a plain default house with pixelly trees and stuff but literally even seeing reminders #of snow and winter it's just like aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i feel like i could cry ghhj #It's like a transcendent experience just to gaze upon digital snow #I feel like I have the opposite of that seasonal affective disorder thing where people get depressed in the winter and are so happy #to see summer and warm weather. for me it's like the second it starts to get warm I am filled with nothing but dread and miserable until #it's finally fall again and ESPECIALLY winter. my only complaint is that I hate being out at night or driving in the dark #or going anywhere and doing anything if it's not daylight. so in the winter when it starts to get dark at like 4pm its super limiting #IF it were reversed where winter had the longest daylight and summer had the shortest then winter would legitimately be the absolute perfect #season in every way. Short days is it's only solitary flaw #Just like longer days/more daylight is summers ONLY positive #I'm sure this is also different for people with central heating and air but for those of us with either zero ac or a tiny little #dinky window ac thats hard to install and uninstall every year and doesnt actually get the whole house and etc. etc. etc. #then it's just like.. idk how I'm supposed to enjoy constant headaches and being drenched in sweat #and unable to sleep half the time because it's 85F INSIDE OF MY ROOM when tryong to get comfortable and being basically unable #to go outside because you feel like you're going to pass out and you have to keep like 5 layers of heat/light blocking curtains up #just to try and reduce it a little so it's just like 2-3 months sitting in a steaming dark box sweating and miserable #And then people are like 'thats why we go on vacation! it's my favorite season because I get to travel away from the heat and go to the rive #r or the coast!' and it's like.. okay.. if it was REALLY a good season then you wouldnt have to travel just to get away from it like hghb #that argument just makes it look bad? 'Summer is good because I can enjoy spending my time escaping the conditions of summer!' #ANYWAY.. i hope cooler weather will finally arrive soon. there are STILL days in the mid-high 80s here... why was is like #87 degrees this afternoon on fucking September 25th .... w h y #I know climate changes is affecting the entire everywhere but it seems to be heating up so quickly on the west coast #If I cant get to the uk or canada or at least back to the northeast US in the next few years I am going to become an evil villain #idk how much longer I can take this before I transform into a rabid beaste #ANYWAY.. as always.. my mood is craving the cold.. craving snow.. I love being cold so much. I used to sneak into the walk in cooler at #daycare when I was a kid legit like cold has just always been so comforting for me. I am not built to be even moderately warm ever at all lo #l... It is so draining and the longer that summer goes on the more intense it is until I'm like crying at sims pictures ghjbj

[bluesidedown]

😞

#ughhh anxiety #ughhh executive dysfunction #ughhhh being incredibly overwhelmed by attempting to make supper and or do the chillest easiest 200 level course reading #so anyway im gonna lay on the floor and breath and listen to a podcast for like 15 minutes #and then im gonna eat some food damn it i dont care what as long as i consume some calories #and then im gonna do my reading #and then im gonna go straight to sleep or maybe cry a little and then sleep #yknow what i am having a difficult evening #but i am trying so hard to be kind to myself #so im gonna choose to be proud of that #a year ago i wouldnt have been this gentle

[blueside-hobi]

.

#ive never called off of work the day of and its giving me so much anxiety #everyone always talks about how rude management is about it and how they try talking you into coming in anyway because we dont #have sick time and cant really call off #i dont know if theyre just being nice because ive never called off before so they know im not joking or if they feel bad bc my uncle #but one of the managers just texted back and said 'ok feel better.' #like i was fully prepared for them to call me and tell me i have to come in for at least one appointment and try to get me for more #like i am legit sick and disgusting but i was already mentally prepared for them to tell me im not allowed to call off #i feel a little bad that this means i might have to call off twice this week bc we still dont know when my uncles funeral will be #but like #i deserve some fucking time off #i went to work like 6 hours after seeing my dead uncle and just spent the day crying all over my clients #so i dont want to spend today coughing all over them #i want to go back to sleep but im also still nervous one of the managers will call me to tell me i have to come in or something #personal

[turnaboutchaos]

my mother needs to play ace attorney i need her to play it

#she literally told me that friends dont exist and that i shouldnt bother getting anymore #bc past friends have only hurt the family and myself (not true) #and then asked why i was crying later on like LADY???? #LADY I HAVE PLAYED 8 AND A HALF GAMES CENTRED AROUND WHY YOURE WRONG #THE MOST IMPORTANT THING U GOTTA REMEMBER IS TO TRUST YOUR CLIENT NO MATTER WHAT TO THE BITTER END #OMFG PLEASE YOU CANT JUST GO OUT AND KILL MY SOCIAL LIFE LIKE THAT #i used to have the mentality of 'trust no-one' and im trying REALLY hard to heal myself of that bc its wrong and trying to open myself up #to ppl and actually thrive in a group but noooo u just hafta kill the drift huh... #ughhhh i feel sick #she also said that the only friend i could have was god. like. as if he doesnt want me dead for being trans #anyways time to sit her down and make her play dgs or something. i need to prove shes wrong #this is sort of a vent idk i need to yell into the void bc i am. very sad #im SO SAD MR NARUHODO. SO VERY UPSET AND RATHER DISHEVELED. I DID NOT GET A GOOD SLEEP LAST NIGHT #shutuplance🧡 #im sorry goodbye