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icareaboutme · 1 year

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Go down on my feelings

Time to time my sexual side awakens and for a couple of minutes these intentions give me the moving power to go after the real thing. Unfortunately, I am really bad at it. My flirting skills are bad, I can’t make gestures to make the other guy know that Im interested in him, so the outcome is always failure. I only had 2 sexual experinece. The first one is with my first boyfriend, the first and the last time he slept at my dormroom, he wanted our first kiss to happen and now I see he also wanted more, like idk maybe a bj or something. So he kissed me but sooo badly, it was like a fish trying to swallow me. Deeply traumatizing and bad. So after that all our little kisses (that he wanted) were something I needed to do with all my life force. The sexual tension was nowhere, for me at least. The day we broke up, he gave off the feeling that he had strong feeling towards me sexually and tried to hold on to me strongly because other than me at that time, everybody knew, that Me and Him werent a match. I was much more (it feels bad to say it, even with low confidence) good looking and special. He wasn’t social and outgoing and I was just going around in the city feeling much more like a single boy than somebody in a relationship. So I guess first sexual trauma striked there. (I think he is in a new relationship now and I hope he is happier. He is a nice guy and I will always remember him, but sadly not as my first boyfriend, but much more like as a friend.)

My second one was with this this guy-friends-something. We went on one date and it was much more like a friendly hangout than a date. We drank and watched the city lights. I talked about my inexperineced life, while he talked about going to parties and doing stuff since he was 16. I think its important to note that we were and still are the same age. I think to him, I was a strange boy. I feel like he though that a person like me would have already gone trough a couple of situationships (I hate this word) and breakups and one-night stands. After that (comes the good part, so read) 2 days later we went to a party, I met some of the friends of his and danced to lady gaga song. Even tho it was summer, the weather got slowly bad and we got soaking wet (not in a good way,) so he offered me the option to stay at his flat, because it was closer. So went with him, drunk, wet, anxiety on peak and tired. I slept in his bed even tho there was a couch too (he said I chose the bed bcs I wanted action too which is a lie, the bed is always better dumbass). So as I was sleeping he kissed me, went down on me. So..you know...drunkly and tired I couldnt even get it up bcs in my head I was lost. So he has stopped and we went to sleep. The next morning without any explonation, together, we traveled to the east central station and just like that everybody went on their ways.

Weird to think about that after this, we met again like 2 times, no sex, just hanging out. Couple of back and forth friendly messages. A bad party where his friends treated me shit and I left. Got sexually harassed on a bus, cried like a baby till my dorm. Sat in front of my dorm, watched the sky and felt the pain of the bad actions.

I think the whole sexual side of mine just slowly faded away and transformed into more like and idea in my brain than a thing thats part of life. So as Im sitting here wrinting this and seeing how my last year was just a big challenge, makes me think wow. I was pushing down this? I was traumatized and sad and thrown into a hole. I want to accept that fear can make us choose badly and do strange things. And friends of my friend arent my friends until they choose to reach out to me to be friends with them. I have to accept that my beauty comes from being me, open and open and open.

Maybe there will be a better guy in my future or guyS, who will....me

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thithesandofferings · 3 years

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“Open Wide”- Ogami Shirou x Reader

TW: 18+ MINORS DNI!! Dom!Shirou/Sub!FemReader, Comeplay, Choking, Voice Kink, Rough Sex, Praise Kink, Degradation, lil bit Size Kink SMUT!!

This is bad .

“Look at you Alan, I thought you said Purebloods didnt get Nirvalys Syndrome? Let me put in into you, before you lose your mind”

Who says stuff like that to the enemy? Ive never seen Shiro this angry before. Especially to say words like that. He barely speaks at all most days. Only when he absolutely has to. This should surprise me or- or stress me out but-

It's so hot.

Link to my Ao3 for this fic= https://archiveofourown.org/works/25414948

This is bad .

“Look at you Alan, I thought you said Purebloods didnt get Nirvalys Syndrome? Let me put it into you, before you lose your mind”

Who says stuff like that to the enemy? Ive never seen Shirou this angry before. Especially to say words such as that. He barely speaks at all most days. Only when he has to. This should surprise me or- or stress me out but-

It's so hot.

“Hey you! Look alive we gotta go!” Michiru yelled, startling me out of a downward spiral.

She was right. I had to get out of there before the place was destroyed to shreds. I could barely think. All I could think about was Shirou splitting that evil bastard's mouth open and putting his power inside it.

I couldnt help but feel jealous.

His wolf had such a presence on its own, how could I not be affected.

I needed to get it together, there were still people that needed to be saved. I shook my head and ran after Michiru towards Shirou. She was chattering excitedly, but I honestly couldnt understand anything she was saying. My eyes were on him.

He must’ve caught something in my gaze because he turned his attention to me.

“You okay?” His voice was gruff from exertion and I had to take a calming breath from the shiver that coursed down my spine. He caught that too.

“I should be asking you that Shirou” I looked away, but with a sideways glance I grumbled that he was, in fact, amazing. He raised his nose a notch, almost an afterthought, and I could see him take a deep breath.

With his penetrating gaze solely on mine, I could feel my pulse jump and my temperature rack up a thousand degrees, I had to look away. He scoffed, almost smugly, and slid attention back to Michiru, who was still talking and running around. Something about having Shirou howl to the town.

We watched as he changed into his silver wolf form again to howl into the microphone. It was a beautiful site to see. Seeing all the animals completely stop what they were doing just to howl with him. Alan had no idea what he had been talking about.

Shirou had the Howl.

Michiro and I could only watch in awe. We were born human turned animals so we didnt have the innate instinct to go along with him. It was such an eye-opening experience, so much so that I felt a little empty at not being able to do it. Shirou looked so regal, the urge to fall on my knees in front of him was an encompassing feeling.

Shaking violently at the thought, I had to blow out a long soul-suffering sigh. Michiru glanced with eyebrows in an “are you okay” motion and I could only just nod.

What is going on with me? Where are my thoughts?

I had hoped that thoughts of Shirou would leave. The attention was of us and finally life was, in all intensive purposes, back to normal. Michiru was able to hang out with her fellow friends, and I- was able to start my work in the office.

Except, I could get nothing done.

Shirou was constantly in my peripheral, working on whatever case was in that week. But when he wasnt there, he was in my mind whispering in his growling voice about the things he could do to me.

I was dying.

There would be times where I would stare at a research book, never turning the page, just staring. It was becoming so hectic that Shirou asked if I needed time off.

“I know its been hard for everyone” Shirou had said. He had been in that leather jacket again. Who wears gloves inside? Why was it so hot?

Its not fair.

“What's not fair?” I looked up from his gloved hands and I could feel my heart rate sky rocket in panic.

I said that out loud.

His gaze is so piercing, it felt like he was staring into my soul. He was leaning on my door frame, completely relaxed. His usual bored expression was placed with something that was almost- teasing? Not that couldnt be right.

But it had been the same expression and mood for weeks now. His casual bumps and grins were so much that Ive had to actively avoid him before I had a heart attack. I wasnt in control of my emotions half the time, so any sort of embarrassment would make me change into my animal form. Even through his cold demeanor, it still seemed like he was laughing at me. I'm sure he could tell that I was flustered, especially when he turned into his wolf form. It always made my blood pressure go up and something slick slide down my thighs.

Which is what was happening now.

Oh no.

I prayed that he wouldnt notice anything amiss, but the world wasnt on my side. He lifted his nose up again and sniffed. It was as if he was trying to find someone miles away, but when he finally looked towards me, his pupils were wide open. Alert.

“You never answered my question.”

There was a hitch in my breath at that tone. That growl that Ive been dreaming about for weeks.

I’m so fucked.

“I-i uhm… sorry what?” I could feel myself blinking rapidly. I couldn’t get my thoughts in order. This was getting ridiculous.

“You humans are very odd,” Shirou rose up from the door, and for a moment I felt relief only to freeze when he closed my door.

With him still inside. We’re alone.

“You even more so.”

He walked slowly towards my desk. Well more like prowled. There was intent in his walk.

I’ve never felt more like prey than right now.

“I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me” He’s whispering now. His gloved fingers gently spread out to the edge of my desk and he leans over it.

He’s so close.

“I smell you all day. Its intoxicating.” One hand lifts up and brushes my cheek, I know he can feel the heat.

“You’re the first human that I have ever wanted”

I froze.

Hes been feeling the same? From his expression and the dropping of at least two octaves, it was definitely confirmed.

“I- uh I want you too” My voice was hoarse from emotion. He could hear it just fine it seemed because if his pupils werent blown out before, they sure were now.

Shirou visibly licked his lips and I couldn’t help but follow the motion. He watched me watch him and he grinned, showing his fangs in satisfaction.

“Good because I plan to devour you. Stand up”

I could barely hear the order due to his growling. His ravenous expression was drowning me. I was swimming in heat and desire.

“I wont ask again”

Shirous’ voice snapped me back into reality and with shaky sweaty palms I pushed my chair away and stood. He never told me to move so I just stayed there. He seemed very pleased that I didn’t move.

Not like I could, I was barely able to breathe.

He stalked slowly around my desk until he was behind me, moving the chair completely across the room. It crashed into a plant and I jumped, still not moving an inch.

I could feel his breath across my nape and goosebumps coursed down my skin. I could feel him smelling my hair, breathing in the sweat that I felt that I was pouring out. I tried to move away, embarrassed, but I could feel his grip tighten and him growl at my into my neck.

“Stay still” He whispered. “You can be a good girl and do that for me right?”

I froze at the pet name. I’ve never heard him call me anything other than my last name. I couldn’t believe how it affected at me. I could feel myself become even more drenched.

He could tell.

“Oh? You like that huh?”

I felt his leathered hands slide slowly underneath my shirt and palm my breast. I gasped, my head falling on his shoulder at the groping. This was getting intense fast. I heard something tearing and tried to glance down only to have one of his hands press lightly at my neck. Holding me still.

Shirou shushed me, keeping his hand curled around my throat. Murmuring something about not needing this or that, I felt fabric fall at my feet and my chest became covered in hot leather. I let out a choked moan, only to have his grip tightened.

“You’re gonna have to be a quiet pup, you don't want all your colleagues to know what you're doing right?” He was so mocking, I couldnt help but feel flustered with how demeaning he sounded.

I nodded knowing I couldnt say anything in this position.

“Thats right, good girl, now go on bend over the desk” He slipped his hands away and disorientation readily slid back into my head.

I laid over my desk, paper be damned, and wrapped my hands over the edge to hold on. I heard him growl in confirmation at the act and I preened at the act of pleasing him.

I’ve never felt this way. I was completely ok with him taking the reigns. I didnt have many braincells left, I could barely think. All I could do was just do.

Shirou hands caressed my ass in appreciation, his ungloved hand (when had that happened?) made a purposeful track up to my waistband, hastily taking them off. I was completely soaked and hearing him swear obscenities definitely didnt help.

“I can’t wait to knot you, pup” I felt his weight against me, his bare chest completely covering my whole body. He was so warm, degrees hotter than his normal, his breath hot on my cheek as he licked my face from chin to forehead.

“The real question is,” he says through licks down my spine. “Which form do I want to take you hm?” I shivered violently at the thought of Shirou taking me in my wolf form. Outside of Anima city it is forbidden to have any of those kind of thoughts. But you couldnt help that you constantly thought about Shirou fucking you in his wolf form.

I could hear his deep chuckle at my spine. He knew my answer.

I felt him nose my wetness and my breath hitches. It didnt last for more than 5 seconds and I could hear myself grown out against the desk.

“I would love to taste you, but unfortunately we dont have that kind of time.” There was a zipping noise and I tensed, gushing even more at the thought of what it could be.

“I would need hours to be satisfied from your taste” He is suddenly in my ear. “But I plan to fuck you like you need it.”

I could hear myself mewling at the thought. I’ve been wanting this for weeks. I cant believe someone like Shirou even wants to touch me. Shirou, cool-mannered and distant, wants to fuck me five ways to Sunday is honeslty an eye opening experience.

There is a clicking sound and I gasped. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didnt feel the fingers. I could feel myself clenching around and my mewling became even louder. Colleagues be damned.

There was an surprised hum from behind me.

“You’ve been touching yourself?” All I could do was nod embarrassed. He cooed sweetly and added 3 fingers inside of me.

“What were you thinking about? Were you thinking of me? Tell me” I gasped in affirmations. I couldnt take it anymore. I needed inside of me now.

I felt like I was going to die.

“P-please Shiro, I need it.”

“You need what pup?” He grinned savagely and I felt something hard and hot against me.

I wiggled in frustration. Only to have him laugh and hold my hips still. Using his strength to make me stay still.

I was going to have bruises.

“Please fuck me Shirou” I whispered into my shoulder. I knew he could hear me. I felt my chest tighten at the gasp and growl.

“Good girl.” I shivered and gasped as he pushed the head in with a savage force of his hips.

“I wont hold back pup” He laid his furry chest against my back “You might be ruined for any one else.”

“I dont want you to Shirou, give me your all”

A growl was heard and then the most intense feeling of my life was radiating through my whole body.

He thrusted so hard that I could hear the desk screeching. The other colleagues, if they were still there, would definitely hear it. I prayed that they weren’t gonna check to see if I was okay. I wouldnt be able to speak anyways. I’m pretty much holding on dear life on the desk. There was no way I was able to explain anything.

Shirou didn’t seem to care either. The constant growling and heavy breathing that was coming from him was telling.

“Youre so tight, I cant believe all of me fit inside of you” He groaned and all I could do was tighten around him, which made him go even faster. There was a crack from the desk, but I ignored it. All I could concentrate on was the heat and his cock bruising my insides.

“Mine mine mine MINE” He stopped abruptly and pulled out. Only to pick me up effortlessly and turn me around, my back hitting the desk.

He entered me again and with that the world was crashing around me. I’d never come so fast in my life. Watching him in his wolf form growl over me as he pounded me into the afterlife, I wasnt gonna last long.

Seemed like he wasnt either, his thrust got more savage and I got louder. He took his right hand and placed it at my throat again to cut off the noise.

“Be quiet while I shove my knot inside you, I need to concentrate” It made me fall again, shivering while he grinded his knot inside me. He came with a roar, tightening his hands on my throat, cutting off my sound.

“Shhhh, good girl, you did so good” He whispered praises to me while he continued to grind himself inside me. He lifted his hand and I gasped dazed.

He looked up at me and caught my disheveled appearance and grinned.

“Dont move, I’m not done.”

I returned the grin.

“Good Shirou, cause neither am I”

#brand new animal #bna #shirou ogami #shirou ogami x reader #bna headcanons #bna drabble #i just live for this

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entitynotincluded · 5 years

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April 5th 2019;

2:56 am/4:05 am

I cant sleep and my whole body is physically aching. All these people that hurt me keep cycling through my mind.

First my dad... Luis... Why could you never show me love or even that you were proud of me. My youngest memories are of you being drunk and passed out. Yet I still loved you and idolized you with all my heart. You were my strong and hilarious dad! No one could stop you! You were out all day keeping the bad guys in jail so how could you be bad? When the divorce happened and you disappeared entirely. Any part of you that I thought I had was gone and I lost the dad I had grown so attached to. Any love that I felt you had for me left and it felt like an eternity till you said “I love you” to me again. I know you’ve said you love me before.. But that was when I was so young. I barely remember it. After all this time why? Why did you finally say it right as you left me again.

Mom... I don’t remember much before the divorce.. I wish I did. I wish I could remember you’re smile from back then. Who you were before my dads lies and cheatings were discovered. I see all these pictures of you back then. You looked so light and happy. Now when you smile I feel uneasy at times. When we left dad you started to drink and party... a lot. Living with Nana feels like the begining of the nightmare. That’s when you would go to work, come home to change and then head out again. Till you’d come home covered in the scent of booze, cologne and sweat. You’d just climb in bed, laughing because I had turned your creepy dolls away from me so they werent looking at me, then pass out. You never could tell that I had spent all night crying... worried you wouldnt return. I sat in that room staring out the window just waiting for you. I just wanted the mom that would read and sing me to sleep back. I wanted so badly for you to just be my loving mom again. I thought you being gone was the worst. Soon I learned you being there was living hell.

When you were with Luis still sure you guys would pull my ear and spank me... That was so rare though. After the split though... It was like a switch flipped in you and I became the punching bag to all your frustrations. It felt like everyday you would be hitting my ass raw. Pulling my ear so hard and constantly that it felt like it would fall off. Shaming me in public. Did you feel powerful bending me over in those stores, all those people watching, and just hitting me till I was screaming in pain because I could barely stand anymore. You would be worse behind closed doors. I wasn’t allowed outside a lot because I was always grounded or I hadn’t cleared my plans with you at least a week in advance. I lived in constant fear of you. When the front door opened.. what mood would you be in?? How long could I hide in my room before you came for me?? Some days you would just come home; tell me to go to my room, take off my pants and bend over. Thats you be there soon with the spoon or spatula. I can still remember how that wood felt on my bare skin. The marks that were left. The tears that would seem to never stop. “I’ll stop when you stop crying. Why are you still crying?” I learned to not cry because of that. Emotions would only bring me pain so why did I need them? After you would leave though and that door would close (that is if it was allowed to be closed, which it usually wasnt) I would just cry. Forcing myself to be quiet so I wouldn’t draw your attention again. I’m an adult now so you don’t do that to me now. Yet I still feel so much fear to you sometimes.

Harleigh/Zeih... You were supposed to love me. Did you ever really care about me? Or was I just someone you dated cause why not?? You were polyamourous, yeah I was ok with that. I just wanted to know I had a special part in your heart. You could do what you wanted with people and I would have been fine with it. BUT you hid it from me. You withdrew from me and slept with some of my at the time closest friends. I had to learn from your roommate that you were having sex with these people. Then to have your dad call me and defend you? All I wanted was for you to reach out to me.. Talk to me. For when you saw me.. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!! To come after me and just show some form of guilt or caring. But no.. You iust watched me break every time and cry while trying to run and hide.

You probably never learned this but... one of the people you were busy spending all your time with... Romancing and screwing... That son of a bitch would later take advantage of me. Thats for later in this hell of a post though. First you Harleigh.. You get to know how what you did affected me... I already had trust and abandonment issues. You knew this... After this though... I just lost all sense of trust. Those I dated after you were because I felt the need to say yes not cause I wanted to. I remeber one guys name after you and thats cause I know I hurt him and for that I’m truly sorry. It took YEARS for me to finally, FINALLY feel attached to someone again. To fully love them. He is so much to me but god damn am I terrifed. I’m so scared of history repeating. You know why I’m so scared?? Because of you Harleigh... Harleigb you are the reason my heart fucking turned to dust. After you I stopped eating because maybe you found my body disgusting?? I identified as Asexual at the time but had been willing to have sex if that was what you really desired from me. I was willing to be that vulnerable with you. Yet you twisted it and shattered me. I stopped eating, my body would just start puking everyday... I lost all sense of time.

That is until Sam.

Sam... You through all of this had been there for me to go to and cry. When hugged me it felt like a shield. I thought you were my genuine friend. I called you my older brother sometimes for gods sake. But no... You took my trust and shattered it too. I just wanted a ride to my best friends house after a long day of guys being creepy and flipping my skirt up. You offered me a ride so I could avoid the creeps on the bus. Did you plan to take me up to that hill/mountaint that day? When did you deside that was the destination? All I remember is Ninja Sex Party playing in your speakers and driving past my friends house. I was so confused but I trusted you.

I got out of that car and looked at the view you had wanted me to see.

I sat on the rock like you told me to.

I was being the good little girl everyone told me to be.

Then next thing I know.. your mouth is on mine. Your hands just touching and clawing at my chest. Suddenly you had pushed my skirt up.. it felt like you were clawing at my tights... like you would rip them off at any second.. You had asked if I wanted you to go in my underwear. How many god damn times did I say no and shake my head??? Were my tears not enough for you?!!!! Apparently not. Your strong hands that had held me so many times suddenly were violating me. I remember your touch on my vagina.. You made a comment about how I shouldnt be embarrassed that I wasnt bare down there. You finallt took me to my friends house when you were done with me and after that you never spoke to me again.

Dylan... you were a minor part in all of this. You were just a boy that wanted his dick to get sucked. And I was just a boy that wanted some weed. Yet that wasn’t all... you knew I had a small crush on you... You joked about it to me. You led me along and ditched me right as one of my close friends that you liked started talking to you again. You left me like some road kill. Why couldnt you at least stay and be my friend?? No. You had to completely stop talking to me. So for that fuck you. You never cared when I cried. Never came when I was crying and on the verge. Just begging for some form of help.

After all this I tried to stop eating and existing. I went to an out patient program and acted like a good recovering depressed child. I just wanted to play happy until the day I snapped and killed myself. Now though... Now I feel so happy. Everyday I get to talk to the love of my life. He sees my pain. It scares him yes. But it doesn’t scare him away. If anything it brings him closer. He wants to be there for me and I want to be there for him. I don’t have to be fake happy anymore.

I just get to be genuinely happy!

He makes living through all of this worth it and so much more. There will be hard times in the future. I accept this. Yet I feel so much more prepared to face it as long as I have my soulmate, James. He makes me not hate the world anymore. In fact now I don’t hold hate towards any of these people except you Sam.

My mother: I love her dearly even though she terrifies me

My father: I want to trust you and feel a bond if that were possible

Dylan: We were both so young I just hope you learned and are a better person now

Harleigh: I hope you find joy in your life. Though it would bring me so much joy if you could see like once in public with my James. I just want you to see how much better of a person he is than you will EVER be.

#ramblings #feelings #text

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toytulini · 6 years

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On Fatphobia, from the perspective of a skinny (white) person

Lmao i keep trying to make a post on this but i can never get the wording right,

There is. A Normalized Mass Societal Fetish of the skinny body and its rly fuckin uncomfortable. We get Idealized and Romanticized and treated as inherently more beautiful/aesthetically appealing for being skinny, and its. Bad?

Like, my personal experience with this is. Already uncomfortable as hell with the concept of my body being seen as sexually appealing at all to someone, as an aspect of my sex repulsion, and i do think that plays a part in my realizing this.

One comment, made by a passing by grown man in the grocery store(yikes already) to tell me that i have "nice legs"(mmmyikes). This happened during a point in my life where i had lost most of my muscle mass, i didnt look particularly Different physically for it, but lack of regular physical exercise over 4yrs of high school meant i no longer had the Strength in my legs from playing recreational league team sports like Basketball and Soccer in elementary and middle school. I didnt look particularly Different, i had shrimp legs* Then, and i have shrimp legs now and have never in my life had Big legs. I was feeling Bad about my body bc i felt Weak. The point? My legs were nothing especially "nice", they werent and arent, bad legs but theres nothing particularly nice about my legs, certainly nothing warranting an unsolicited comment on whether or not theyre nice. My legs were and are like, average at best. They just look like ur average standard human legs. Except for one thing: theyre skinny.

(Shrimp legs: "Crabs and lobsters have strong walking legs, whereas shrimp have thin fragile legs which they use primarily for perching.")

My legs are Skinny and that makes them Nice. And i thought about this, and stuff like this keeps happening. Ppl make unsolicited comments on my appearance and size, and often attempt to make a compliment on my size, bc being Skinny is viewed as Ideal. I remember being weirdly uncomfortable about it even when i was younger, when i was, lets just say, Not Knowledgeable in aspects of Social Justice or Fatphobia. Mentioning my pants size in middle school got comments of "oh my god i hate you" from friends of mine, and it made me feel weirdly Guilty about being skinny. At the time i considered it skinny shaming and Unfair, now i look back and recognize: internalized fatphobia from my friends led to discomfort in our interpersonal interactions, and it wasnt their fault, and while it was incredibly uncomfortable for me, it was also bad for them, bc it overall contributed to the overlying culture that shames ppl for being not skinny, and shames them even more if they dare to exist as a fat person who doesnt hate themselves.

Weird, uncomfortable interactions like this still happen, even from my own mother, tho thankfully she is at least semi joking. Ppl treat bodies like mine as Ideal, while hating their own, and it puts them in a terrible position of self hate for no fucking reason, and me on an entirely undeserved (and personally unwanted) pedestal. In addotion to that, its a prime fucking fertile ground in which to sow seeds of bitter distaste for each other between skinny ppl and fat ppl, and bc skinny ppl are favored by society this ends up hurting fat ppl more. Skinny is not better, skinny is not more beautiful, and society needs to stop fucking treating it as such.

And this isnt!!! The fault of fat ppl who make uncomfortable unsolicited comments to me on my appearance and size, this is a wide societal issue of assuming things about my diet, and health based on my size. Being skinny isnt better, or healthier.

When im at work, just doing my job (loading packages onto trucks to be delivered to peoples houses) and a coworker sees how i do my job (i often take packages off the built before they get near the trucks and carry them back, in an attempt to be fast and efficient, bc i want to stay on top of it, not get behind) and comments to a driver that "haha thats why theyre skinny" in reference to me being proactive about my job, its a really!!! Weird amd uncomfortable position to be in. How do you even begin to address that? Bc we know for a fact that if i were fat, me being proactive at my job would go uncommented on. This happened growing up, im a picky eater, but i eat A Lot. I eat Large Qunatities of a Small Variety of Things. One thing i love? Pickles. My own parents, friends parents, adult family friends, would all comment on this, "they eat abnormal amount of pickles and still stay so skinny, maybe thats the Way To Be Skinny" now, admittedly i dont think pickles have a lot of calories, but keep in mind, that was One Thing. I ate pickles as a Snack and then id come home and eat more fuckin pasta than a grown man, as a tiny child. I was not, ever thinking abt calories. Stuff like this kept happening, ppl trying to Puzzle Out, how do i Get so Skinny? Its a trick fucking question, ppl! I dont get skinny, i just am, bc i have a High as fuck metabolism and so far thats meant, I Eat A Lot of fucking food bc i guess my body just Burns thru that shit so fast without doing anything. I joke often that im like a car with Terrible Mileage. It seems like i have to be leaking fuel somewhere, bc it just doesnt Add Up how much fuel(food) i require with what little physical exercise i do and what i fuckin look like. And frankly? We havent found any "leaks"(medical issues that would explain) closest thing is ADHD meds, which can be linked to weightloss and suppressed appetite, but evidence has not shown ADHD meds having any significant impact on my weight. It did, eventually show last year, when i started losing weight after starting my job, bc i was forgetting to eat, and have lowered my dosage and tried to stay more on top of eating. But that was literally the first time i showed any evidence of it impacting my size and weight. Also note: i did not take it during summer and not usually on weekends, and had a few time periods in which i attempted to go without it, once during school and i drank coffee instead, and once like a yr ago when my anxiety was Really Bad so i stopped taking ADHD meds and caffeine. Anyway, point is, ppl keep trying to Puzzle Out what I Do or Eat to Get Skinny Stay Skinny and the answer is i fucking Dont.

It assumes a position of me being Better for being skinny, and that there is some sort of Secret Mystery Thing I Do or Food I Eat that is the Magical Cause for me being skinny, and if they can just deduce what it is they too, could be as skinny as me, bc being Skinny Like Me is Better and A Reward and An Achievement, Something To Aspire To, Obviously, (all Sarcasm) when in reality there is not anything i do or eat that makes me this way, its just How It Is, its how i always Have Been, it wasnt a "reward" or "achievement" its just!!! My body. And its Not inherently Better or Healthier than any fat persons body, and it needs to stop being treated like it is.

My body is neutral, and should be allowed to exist as a neutral thing, not put on a pedestal as an Ideal for being skinny, and especially not put on a pedestal that is placed as a burden on fat ppls bodies, and it needs to stop being presented as some sort of reward, "if you hate yourself enough and work hard you too, could look like this. And remember, if you look like this, you get to be put on the pedestal instead of being forced to uphold the ideal from below!"

Like! This needs to stop, its wrong. Im not even getting the Bad Shit here, and i can tell you its fucking wrong and harmful. Media needs to stop only portraying bodies like mine as beautiful, and stop portraying anything that deviates as ugly and unworthy. Let my body be ugly and average, and more importantly let fat bodies be beautiful and strong, bc they fucking are, theres plenty of fucking ppl out there with fat bodies that are Beautiful and Strong, and yet ppl still act like having a fat character in media be athletic, or adored for beauty, is "pandering" and "unrealistic".

And also? Nobody has to be beautiful or strong or fashionable or healthy to be fucking "worthy" of your basic fucking courtesy. Not skinny ppl, and definitely not fat ppl. Stop treating me and ppl like me better, we havent fucking done anything to deserve your idealization, and personally i dont fucking want it. I refuse to let you treat me as any sort of ideal, and i refuse to be anyones "thinspo" (note any weightloss focused or thinspo blogs that interact with me/my blog will be blocked.)

I didnt do anything to earn this fucking pedestal, and I dont want it, and I especially dont fucking want it at the expense of ppl who havent done anything to deserve your hate and vitriol and disgust except to exist as fat ppl and maybe even dare to not hate themselves and their bodies for no other reason than that they are fat.

In fucking Conclusion, fatphobia is real but it fucking shouldnt be, fatphobes can fuck all the way off, @ other skinny ppl, we need to collectively do better, shut this glorification down and stop speaking over fat ppl about their experiences and insist we somehow have it worse???

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deuce-duce · 4 years

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Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

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jollyroget-blog · 5 years

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Becoming me

Why did I stop being religious? I mean a trillion reasons but most of the fun ones came later. After my dad and my ex step mother had their "incident" and separated I didnt really have anyone to hang out with on shabbos when I was there. When I was with my mother, it wasnt much better as I really didnt get along with my stepfather (which I now realize was just because I was traumatized and didnt want any step parents near me). I did try to have some sort of relationship with my family but they didnt understand me and honestly I didnt really feel like they were family. They were just some strange people who for some reason wanted me to hang out with them for literally no reason as they never really spoke to me or anything. So I was alone during a time where I really shouldnt have been. I didnt have many friends and the couple I had, i didnt feel comfortable telling them what had happened. We were young and bad things hadnt happened to any of us yet so I kind of just cut them all off. I think they were offended but i just couldnt have them know that my life was no longer sweet and innocent like theirs. So then came high school and a few months later...and then came the nervous breakdown. It was on shabbos. If I had just been able to pick up my phone and call someone I would have been okay ( I now recognize that I should have and it would have been forgivable but at the time i couldnt imagine ever breaking shabbos). So i just crumbled. I never attempted suicide, though I wanted to desperately that night, because I figured that whatever consequences there are for that were worse that living and sticking it out, so I just cried and prayed and begged hashem to let me sleep and to please not wake me up in the morning I didnt know much about drugs or alcohol at the time so I just tried to knock myself out my banging my head against things. Eventually I cried myself to sleep telling myself that I had to at least pull myself out of this enough to recognize that there had to be a lesson learnt from this whole thing and I did find it and I know that was what saved me and I will always be proud of that. This was my first experience with sleep paralysis which i was never able to explain but was a terrifying thing. I couldnt move or wake up but I was hearing people screaming at me, shrieking with laughter and it was utterly horrifying. when I woke up I had claw marks all over my arms. I tried to say modeh ani, but said it through tears as if I was accepting a punishment. I still have trouble saying it to this day. I was never the same after that. I still kept shabbos but would break down every friday night. My mother stopped making me come down for meals (but always set my place at the table for me no matter what and for some reason as I am writing this entire thing, this part is what bring me to tears. She is literally the best person in the world.) and i would just go up to my room and cry and pray and beg hashem to please help me keep shabbos in any way because it was getting to be too painful as it was. I started dreading shabbos and getting anxiety even by Wednesday because I knew it meant 24 hours of more pain. I would literally just cry through the whole thing. I wasnt drinking yet but I would resort to hurting myself physically in any way I could think of because for some reason that was what helped me sleep. I have no idea why. I would wake up covered in bruises all over my body and just look in the mirror and cry more until it was over ...then wait till the next week. Eventually I took to drinking, I was still a teenager so I would sneak out my window to the liqueur shop that accepted my fake id and just drink myself into a coma. All this time praying and begging for hashem to take this pain away so that I could keep shabbos because I wasnt sure how much longer I could hold on. Eventually I was healthy enough to make some new friends. They werent jewish and I did stop keeping shabbos slowly. first thing I did was leave the TV on so that I would be able to pull myself out of the sleep paralysis...eventually I would turn it on or off....eventually I would go out with my friends and do whatever they did because I just couldnt anymore. I never stopped praying and I never stopped telling hashem that I would love to keep shabbos again if he would only help me find a community and friends to do it with. After i stopped keeping shabbos, everything else followed. I always kept to a standard of kosher but I no longer had any jewish friends. My parents had pulled me out of my old high school after I had been rushed to the ER when I had slashed my leg with a pencil sharpener blade and Id spent some time in a mental hospital and my new school was much more relaxed, but it was far and I was the only person in the grade. (yes that is the end of that sentence. it was a small school and my grade consisted of only me..). I was terribly lonely and the friends I found were from concerts, art school and various parties. Many of them were good people and really did help me as at that time it was my life that needed saving and not just my faith. i missed shabbos terribly. It was an empty space that I couldnt even acknowledge because it was too painful and too far away, picturing myself at a shabbos table full of friends and family, sitting on the couch reading books together, going for walks, and of course that feeling that only shabbos can give you which I hadnt felt in years. Anyway like i said after shabbos, everything else follows. Shabbos nurtures our emunah and mine was fading and fast. It was a terribly painful experience. I thought about death constantly and it absolutely terrified me. I thought to myself one night, during a particular bad moment (I believe i was anorexic and drinking constantly at the time, having sex with whoever whenever) that I thought to myself...this is hell. This is what our hell is. Being distant and empty and losing touch with any and all purpose. It sounds basic it really does but it was a horrible feeling and I truly understood what kind of punishment kaaret could be. I dont remember exaclty what went on for how long but thats basically how it went. It took me a long time to accept that I was no longer "religious". I told my mother this once and she told me that I am religious and Im just having a hard time but I still keep mitzvot and guide my life by the torah as much as I can and I'm so grateful to her for that. She insisted on keeping the title for me and I am sure it saved me in some way. I never skipped a major fast and yom kippur was coming up. I was nervous as i never broke chag on yom kippur and i knew I had a lot to atone for and to think about. I was in a really terrible place and felt like my soul was actually dying and i cant describe how much it hurt. I sat on the edge of my bed as the chag came in and wept for a good couple of hours. eventually I was in a panick and couldn't catch my breath. I prayed desperately for strength and for comfort and most importantly some sort of direction so that I didnt have to do this anymore. I was done I didnt want to be like this. Suddenly a calm came over me. I literally felt it spread from my head to my fingertips down to my knees and toes and i got my breath back...a voice inside my head then spoke to me (In my own language which I always appreciated about epiphanies) and said...."lets do this. let get the fuck to Israel"....I guess the rest is history. I called my dad after chag and said " i need to go back" and it turned out they had just decided to have my brothers bar mitzvah there so yeah..that happened. It was never said that I was going to be staying in Israel but my mother got me an extra suitcase and made sure I had my papers with me "just in case. The night before I left my mom came in to talk to be sobbing like ive never seen her cry before so I told her "mommy dont. Ill visit."..i think that was the first time we kinda said anything about it out loud. she said (well, hiccuped, as she could barely get the words out) "I want you to be happy. I just wish that it could be here. But im proud of you".When we got to the airport and we were boarding the plane my eyes filled with tears and the same little voice in my head said "its over. You did it you're going. Its gonna happen you're gonna be okay" and I had the same feeling when I got to the kotel ( which i made sure to be alone for). My first night in Israel all i wanted to do was walk. I walked all night. I savored everything, I smelled everything, breathed the air, ran my hands along the stone walls taking it all in because I knew that I was literally living inside my own personal miracle. It took me a while and I did have some major ups and downs here like this was far from a smooth transition. I still had trouble with alcohol and hadnt kept a shabbos in years and it of course still had that stigma but I was here and I was ready and I knew that I was finally on my way and most importantly, I didnt feel my soul dying anymore. My first shabbos alone in israel was just me by myself in my sublet apartment with some cheap groceries, a glass of wine and two pitas which today would have sounded like the worlds most depressing night, but when I lit my candles and heard the shabbos bell go off and I had my little set up in the city I had always dreamed of living in, I felt so at peace and for the first time in a long time, I didnt feel alone in this planet and I knew that everything was going to be okay as long as I did my part. So thats it. Thats me. Theres way more obviously i had a lot of work to do but I never stopped moving forward and I dont plant to settle until Im "as frum as I can get I guess" which is always my answer when people ask me what I want to be. I found a group of friends. They dont know this whole story so theyll never really understand what they are to me which is literally, in every sense of the word, the answer to my prayers. every single one of them. Now when I light for shabbos, I picture my own shabbos table set and waiting, my husband coming home from shul, my kids sitting on the couch together reading books, and the spirit of shabbos shining through my home from the light of my candles and the comfort of knowing that its all real. Finally its no longer a painful wish, but its still a prayer and i feel it closer to reality every day.

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nobody-needs-to-know-that-blog · 7 years

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She was the youngest of the family

here is the other story. The story of 4 and a half years. 4 and a half years that i thought i was with the man i was supposed to spend forever with. I was just out of a relationship and a new drama season was starting and so we would be together almost everyday for about 4 months. Maybe a little less. I ended up asking him out via facebook because i was too chicken to do it in person. (i have learned now but not much)

i asked if he would date a freshman he said he would depending on who. i was being stupid and asking for myself but i was like one of the people who was at set construction. For some reason instead of waiting a week i just asked before he went to FFA states. He said yes... We werent really dating at that point... it wouldnt be for another year and a half before anything really happened between us. We were dating. He would always say these really cute things to me that would make me smile... Now they just make me cringe every time i see them or read them.. maybe even glance over them. (there is a reason i have a new device... so i dont have to go through my fucking screenshots on my ipod...) there are so many... oh so many... even on my phone i had so many conversations saved and for some reason i couldnt bear to look at them.

When a break up happens you like to think that you would look back and remember the good times.. But you wont. Even if you have a million and two pictures of the “good” times it wont be good... who knows... maybe you do think of the good times.

so that is just freshman year of highschool... We kissed about 13 days after we first started dating. he told me that i had soft lips... im not sure how he could tell or why.. The story of our first kiss is funny... I was sitting on the back of my directors tailgate and he was messing with it and one of our friends was like dont kiss in front of me and like ran off... and then he kissed me... (in retrospect i think my eyes were open..)

then shortly after that i had my first meltdown... i was on stage for our spring show, literally lying on the couch debating if i really wanted to be with this kid... i didnt... but i didnt think that anybody else would want me..

i stayed with him.

then the summer came and i didnt really see him that much.. i didnt really want to hang out with him because i didnt want to be forced to do couple-y things... i was only 14 when i started dating this kid... i thought it would be a good idea... (oh how wrong i was...) He could not make out to save his life... it was gross and disgusting and i just didnt want to do it...

so we didnt make out any more... until the rapture (12/21/12) that was a thing... we ended up making out in his truck before school started.... it was weird... better but weird....

so many things happen and when you look back on them you realize that all the warning signs were there....

the constant meltdowns, the pressure to please... all of that... He was on a high horse and for some unknown reason i wanted to keep him up there. His family still has him up there... he may be a little lower now that im not there because they all loved me and really didnt want us to break up... ( but apparently me “making out” with another human would be fine for me to stay with him because im the definition of a perfect child?? wtf idk)

I was constantly using my parents to not hang out with him. There was a little time frame where i was fine with hanging out with him.. but it wasnt often...

My junior year in highschool went just fine.. no really freak outs, except for the last day of spring play... i was balling my eyes out and i was sick and it was just terrible... I didnt want him to leave and i didnt want to not be at the lock in and yeah it was just a mess.

My senior year was a different story, i was stressed, he was stressed with honors advanced calc 2. I was president of NHS i didnt actually do much... Not like what i do now... The responsibilities of high school to the responsibilities of college are so different..

Senior year was a roller coaster of emotions... I was in my first show in 2 years. It ended up being shown for two weekends instead of one. I went hunting on the day of the last show. This kid ended up shooting two deer. We went to the play it went off with out a hitch ( well minus the lights being fucked up THIS IS AN OUTRAGE... is one of my lines and i was actually hella pissed...) Well driving home after hanging out with him for a little bit, it was snowing... i wasnt used to the snow... I was heading north, i ended up doing a 180 and landing driver side down heading south but on the same side of the road that i was on to begin with... I was panicking... i called the boyf and he helped calm me down and then i ended up calling the parents because there was no way i would be able to get the car out of the ditch. Seeing the damage on the car, its a miracle that nothing worse happened to me. As hard as I hit when it fell, none of the airbags went off which is great, because that would have sucked and i would have had much worse injuries than just a cut on my knuckle... ( i mean i may have some issues with my shoulders but idk)

that was at like 2 or 3 in the morning... i ended up going home and sleeping it off... i didnt go to church though and all of my friends were freaking out about me... it was adorable... I was fine... I mean i was still shaking and i was confused as to why i was shaking but it was fine. I was fine. I joked constantly and i still kinda do... Dude gets two deer and i get a car accident... Parents were looking to get a new car anyways but i just happened to push it forward a little bit... I had team sports the next morning and i was like im fine i can still play... ( no i couldnt i was in so much pain when i was playing lacrosse.... it was bad...) The next day i ended up giving a note to the teacher explaining as to what happened and she was like WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME???? lol it was funny, i thought i would be fine but i was sore, the adrenaline wore the shit out of me...

The rest of the senior year went off with out a hitch ( minus the director saying that she wanted me in another play and then that not happening and me crying.... and yeah it was great... i love working the booth i love being in my home... Its been years since i have been back to the booth...)

Summer after senior year went off with out a hitch, nothing big happened, but then i started school. My freshman year in college was his sophomore... i spent the night in his dorm a couple times and he spent the night in mine a couple. November came around i thought i was ready for the “D” i wasnt... i wouldnt realize that i wasnt ready until January...We had only had sex a couple times by that point... His uncle had died unexpectedly and i came home for the funeral... I am not selfish. I am very selfless... The night before the funeral i thought that giving him what he wanted would help him cope... It may have to this day i still dont know... and i would rather not know.. what i do know is that i was trying my fucking hardest not to fucking cry. Now a little backstory, sex has always hurt for me... im just now learning that it shouldnt hurt no matter what... that it only hurts if you werent properly turned on...

That was January, we would hang out a couple more times before may but not much... I was busy with rushing the sorority and being active on campus... Then comes may.

I finally got a job!! so did he. We were both super busy and making money... which was good. however that means that we had less time for each other in the upcoming months...

Now rolls around august. His annual family reunion, i always loved going to it and this was the 2nd or 3rd time going to it. I had warned him before that nothing was going to happen... he thought that i had just meant that we werent going to have sex... nope i had meant that absolutely nothing was going to happen between us. He was super frustrated with that and not happy with me in the least bit

That was August. September rolls around, My first active semester of the sorority. First semester where boys are not allowed to spend the night in the dorm room ( not that that had stopped two of us but that comes much much later). I spent the night in the “tuba” house a couple times.. not often but a couple. September was super busy for me and he didnt like that i had a life outside of him. I wasnt dedicating all my time to pleasing him. I was learning to be myself... I just ended up hurting two people in that process.... And the rest is in the other story...

Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?

#stories #sleep #boyfriend #exboyfriend #fuckmylife #it took me so long #3hrs #4 and a half years #everything sucks

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relationshipadviser-blog · 5 years

Text

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/is-sex-the-answer-to-your-relationship-woes/

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Sex

Inner life

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Amelia Hill

@byameliahill

Sun 21 Jan 2018 01.00EST Last modified on Sun 21 Jan 2018 09.52EST

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Just Do It. Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too, says Michele Weiner-Davis. Illustration: Andrea De Santis/Observer

How does it make you feel when your partner is cold and distant? Or when theyre critical and prickly? Does it make you want to rip their clothes off, order in a vat of whipped cream and install a chandelier to swing from?

No? Well theres your problem according, at least, to Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor whose Ted talk explaining her unconventional advice to warring couples has been viewed almost 3.5 million times online.

Her advice couldnt be simpler: shag. Do it even if you dont want to, do it especially if you dont want to and, most important of all, do it frequently whether you want to or not. To make it even clearer, shes borrowed one of the most famous advertising slogans of recent times: Just Do It. Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too, she explains from her clinic in Colorado. Its a win-win situation for both of you!

Weiner-Daviss self-confessed zealotry for marriage has its roots in the moment her mother blew her teenage world apart by announcing that her seemingly perfect marriage had been a sham for its 23-year duration. She was 16 at the time, and says she wasnt the only one who didnt recover from the bombshell: her mother never remarried and her two sons rarely speak to her.

The experience, says Weiner-Davis who states that her greatest achievement is her own 40-year marriage was transformative. She became a staunch believer in the fact that most divorces can be prevented; that the relief of a post-divorce life is temporary but the pain of divorce is permanent; and that if couples put enough work into staying together, they can fall back in love and live happily ever after.

Over the years, Weiner-Davis has honed her message. Shes now stripped it back to what she believes is the essence of a successful marriage. Gone is any therapeutic consideration of a couples history; of their emotional travails; of cause and consequence. Now she is entirely one-track minded: no matter how appalling the state of a marriage, she believes that kind, generous and frequent sex can bring it back from the teetering edge of collapse.

Her realisation was hard-won. For decades, I was in the trenches with warring couples, she says. But there were times when I was not too effective. I realised that there was a pattern to the times Id failed. There was always one spouse desperately hoping for more touch and because that was not happening, they were not investing themselves in the relationship in other ways.

Weiner-Davis stopped focussing on the couples difficulties from an emotional angle and addressed them exclusively as sexual problems. that when the so-called low-desire partner who is, she is at pains to emphasise, just as likely to be a man or a woman was encouraged to have sex they didnt particularly want, not only did they end up enjoying themselves but the high-desire partner became a much nicer person to be around.

I heard the same story from my clients so often that I did some research, she said, and found several different sex researchers who confirmed what I was finding: that for millions of people, they have to be physically stimulated before they feel desire.

Armed with this new theory, Weiner-Davis began encouraging her low-desire clients to be receptive to the sexual advances of their high-desire spouse, even if they werent feeling up for it. I found that unless there was something a lot more complicated going on, she insists, there were usually substantial relationship benefits to making love with your high-desire partner.

She rejects any suggestion that shes advocating a sexually subservient, anti-feminist, lie back and think of England approach. In fact, she says this is the embodiment of female empowerment.

Its not just telling women to spread their legs, she insists. This is not just about sex. For a high-desire spouse, sex isnt usually about the orgasm: its about someone wanting to feel that their partner desires and wants them. Im hoping that women will feel empowered that they are getting their own needs met through understanding their partner.

No still means no, she says. But it helps to not just say no. Instead, explain why you dont want to make love, suggest a later date and ask whether theres something you can do for your spouse right now instead. But heres the deal, she adds: There had better be a whole more Yess or Laters than Nos because if the Nos win, it leads to the problems I have been talking about.

Weiner-Davis points out that while its commonly accepted that couples should make all their important family decisions together, when it comes to sex, who ever has the lower sex drive makes a unilateral choice for them both. And, just to rub salt in the wound, she adds, the disenfranchised, high-desire one is expected to stay monogamous. No wonder, she says, they get cross.

I mention Weiner-Daviss theory to some female friends of mine. The overriding response is: Oh God, not another thing for my To Do list! Weiner-Davis is quick to condemn this response. Imagine if, when a woman said she wanted to have more intimate conversations or a date night, her husband said: Its just one more thing on my To Do list! For a high-desire spouse who experiences love through touch instead of quality time, its exactly the same impact. Ive had grown men crying in my office, crying about the sense of rejection they feel from their low-desire wives.

I then regale her with the experience of a friend whose husband had started his own business which quickly went catastrophically wrong. The family finances were in peril and he couldnt cope. His wife stepped in. Alongside her own job and while juggling the childcare, she worked late into the night for weeks to stabilise their security. During this time, she was scrupulous in not blaming her husband, either explicitly or implicitly.

With crisis narrowly averted, the stressed and sleep-deprived wife realised her husband was being snippy and sulky. When she asked what was wrong, he exclaimed: We havent had sex for weeks! Surely, I ask Weiner-Davis, this shows that not all demands for sex should be met with her Just Do It ethos.

Not at all, she says. This woman knew his ego needed to be protected and tried to do that by not blaming him for his mistakes. But it sounds like the bigger statement for him was: Am I still a man and do you still desire me?

But its the selfish, uncontrolled behaviour of a spoilt child, I insist. Weiner-Davis doesnt disagree. Women often say that they feel they have three children instead of two children and a husband, she admits. But the fact that this husband was telling his wife what he was feeling sad about is a really good sign: some people throw in the towel.

Is the deal explicit, I ask, does the low-desire one say: OK, well make love more often, but then you have to turn your iPhone off every once in a while so we can actually talk?

Yes and no, Weiner-Davis says. This isnt about keeping score. Relationships are not 50:50. Theyre 100:100. We have to take responsibility for doing everything that it takes to put the relationship on track even if youre not getting the response you want initially. Thats really hard.

Its about asking yourself, she says, when he or she speaks and acts badly, whether its because you have not had sex for four weeks. Is their anger actually about feeling hurt and rejected? If it is, the low-desire spouse needs to be more sexy even though they will not want to do this. And the other one needs to ask themselves when the last time the couple spent quality time together.

On the other hand, Weiner-Davis admits there is a limit. Id say that after several weeks, if nothing has changed in terms of reciprocity, then the couple do need to sit down and identify whats missing in their relationship for each of them and what they would like to have.

Michele Weiner-Daviss cure for a sex-starved marriage

If you have a low sex drive try to adopt the Nike philosophy and Just Do It!, even if you feel neutral towards having sex at that moment.

If youre the one with a high sex drive, try to discover the way your partner wants to receive love. Its typically through quality time, words of affirmation, thoughtful, practical acts of caring and material gifts.

If you dont want sex at a particular moment, explain why and suggest another specific time – and ask whether you can do something else physical at that moment for your partner instead.

If you have a higher sex drive than your partner, try to empathise with them and accept they might never want wild or creative sex, but see the increased level of intercourse as a gift showing their love.

Remember theres no daily or weekly minimum to ensure a healthy sex life. As a couple you need to work out together what works for you.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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mysteriouslyzealouspandalov-blog · 5 years

Text

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

New Post has been published on https://relationshipguideto.com/must-see/is-sex-the-answer-to-your-relationship-woes/

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Sex

Inner life

Is sex the answer to your relationship woes?

Michele Weiner-Davis, the marriage-guidance counsellor, explains why she thinks having sex even if you dont feel like it is the foundation of a happy relationship

Amelia Hill

@byameliahill

Sun 21 Jan 2018 01.00EST Last modified on Sun 21 Jan 2018 09.52EST

Share on Facebook

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View more sharing options

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Just Do It. Your partner will be grateful, happier and therefore nicer, too, says Michele Weiner-Davis. Illustration: Andrea De Santis/Observer

She rejects any suggestion that shes advocating a sexually subservient, anti-feminist, lie back and think of England approach. In fact, she says this is the embodiment of female empowerment.

Is the deal explicit, I ask, does the low-desire one say: OK, well make love more often, but then you have to turn your iPhone off every once in a while so we can actually talk?

Michele Weiner-Daviss cure for a sex-starved marriage

If you have a low sex drive try to adopt the Nike philosophy and Just Do It!, even if you feel neutral towards having sex at that moment.

If you dont want sex at a particular moment, explain why and suggest another specific time – and ask whether you can do something else physical at that moment for your partner instead.

Remember theres no daily or weekly minimum to ensure a healthy sex life. As a couple you need to work out together what works for you.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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themelodytoyourrap · 6 years

Text

Men

I dont ever see myself comitting to a man. I have certain feelings towards the men I have loved or liked in my life. The only one I can say I can trust is my dad. Because he would literally give the world to me. And I would try to thank him in anyway I could. Because I would know and certify that he would never lie or mistreat me. The other men in my life have completely disappointed me. Including the one guy I thought I could trust and give myself to. He fucked up. And for a minute I regret ever laying eyes on him. But then, I remember that without him, I wouldnt be thinking like this. I remember Rafael, My first “I like this boy” kindergarden moment. And his rival, I dont remember well his name; I think because I tried to erase the fact that he wanted to show me his penis... I avoided him ever since.In that same class, I liked this bad boy who went to talk and rap with the high school kids even though we werent suppose to go near them. I wanted to chase after him, but he was a troublemaker. Then it was Jose, we got married, he bought me a princess pencil case with pencils in it. He was a darling. Then came Orlando, that boy every girl wanted. He liked to play I like this girl and this girl and this girl. And it made me mad. That was when i first wrote an I hate you song. Then came another Orlando, in summer camp. My cousin liked him and he liked me. I didnt like him back but I was in for an experience. He kissed my cheeks and neck under the planetarium show. I tolded him I didnt like it and stopped talking to him, laughing at myself knowing I had face paint onmy face that day. He tasted paint at least. Then It was Zachary in second grade in the USA. Well, I was in second, he was in first but I didnt care. He was cute. Even though I didnt know english at the time, my friends helped me read his love letters. Only, I got mad when my teacher found out and she crumpled one of the letters and I hated her that very moment she vanished the smile on my face. He never sent me another letter, never looked at me again. Then I met Braiyam, my would-be-stepfathers-younger-step-brother. He was 3 years older then me. I was nine at the time. I liked him a lot, even though I knew it was wrong. He gave me money, kissed me for the first time(more like stealing my first kiss peak). He wanted me then, I was obssessed with him. I liked to smell his rosary beads because it smelled like him. That cologne will live eternally in my memory. But then again, he wanted to have some fun. So he never took me seriously. So I then went back to the US and liked Brandon, who “bought” me a heart necklace. More like my-friends-stole-his-money-and-bought-it-for-me type of scenario. I gave it back when I saw his face. He wasnt interested in me.I also liked Chase, the left-handed afro-latino guy in my class. He was the sporty type who liked cheerleaders so I never got a chance with him. 4th grade I liked Mr-fart. Sean was his name, He made me laugh, he was cute. But then again once-again-heart-broken-ari happened. Never interested in me. 5th grade Julian, The first(and possibly last) colombian guy i have ever liked. He wasnt interested in me, we were only friends. We rode our bikes together. I “liked” this other guy in the morning anouncements and he was suppose to go dance with me in the 4th grade dance but, he never did. So i scratched his name and face out of the yearbook to forget any trace of him. Went to my country, liked 2-3 boys that never talked to me. You could just feel my low-self-esteem buiding up by then. I felt too tall for all of them. I went on and off with braiyam. I hated him so much for treating me like some toy or little girl. I went to cristian summer camp and fell in love with these 2 boys, who happened to be cousins. And this beautiful prince, but it was never going to happen. The 2 boys played with me and texted me the same things, I figured they never wanted something "serious". Then, Christian, we tried the long distance thing. I loved texting him. But realized we couldnt keep going with it. So when I went back to the US, freshman year. The first thing or mistake I did was like the guy(who was a senior) that gave me an orientation to the school and my classes and suddenly feel like I need to stumble near him whenever i see myself “lost”. He happened to be the secretary/president of key club. So i had plenty of time with him. I learned to be flirty and sarcastic with him. But I never wanted to get him in trouble because hello? freshman and senior= jail. But i still have his contact. Anyway, I begin to have this THING for new guys, and the first one was puerto rican and I liked him the first time he called me nena. So, since then I just HAVE to try to get a puerto rican guy. Idk what it was, if he was that way or if he wasnt interested or he was just scared, Idk but this guy lived literally 5 houses down mine and he never made a move. So i just figured he was stupid. He left anyway sophomore year. But YET AGAIN a new comer goes into my class and It just happens to be a puertorican guy too. Only he didnt speak spanish. He talked very ghetto, but Idk, I wanted to know him. And FINALLY, I see an interest spark in a guy towards me. So we date, we talk, we text, we suffer, we cry, we pain and angry. We fucked up a lot. I was scared, he didnt dare touch me. So this guy is everything my parents want for me, but i know im too fucked up with my life, i dont want anything happening to him. And I begin to feel like he wont be serious with me and will just leave me anyway. But he doesnt, so I have to push him away. And now that im in another country, trying to maintain our little friendship, he wants a sex frustration realese with me. ONLY THAT. and I feel used and dumb and just so irritated and angry at him for just wanting me for that. And im glad i got it out of him, we both knew it was wrong to sext and send smut to each other, knowing he has(had) a girlfriend. But thats ok, I have learned my lesson LIF!E. Men never stay...

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