#bc it's 1 am and im pissed.

[transmascissues]

hey i know your post about your mom was mostly just a personal vent, but i have to say, do you realize that also happens with trans girls and their fathers? literally happened to one of my friends. i’m not trying to downplay your experience or something but i found it strange that you seem to think this is something that only affects transmascs

i have one question for you: so fucking what?

i don’t doubt that trans girls have experienced similar things and yeah, that’s bad too, but what the fuck does that have to do with me and the specific things i’m facing as a result of being a trans man? i never said “look at this thing that happens to ONLY trans men and NO ONE ELSE,” i just said “hey, isn’t this thing that happens to a lot of trans men, including myself, fucked up?”

i would also like to point out that what you’re talking about is in fact a different (albeit similar) thing. the way cis people treat trans people can differ dramatically based on the cis person’s gender because their commitment to gender roles is, like, a major part of problem. the specific way a cis mother reacts to her trans son’s transition is often going to be very distinct, while a cis father will likely respond to his trans daughter in a different but equally distinct way.

what i’m talking about is a very specific kind of ownership and control and self-victimization and total lack of boundaries masquerading as love and care and maternal concern that cis women (i would argue white cis women in particular) project onto their transmasc kids when we do literally anything to our bodies. i’m talking about a phenomenon which is closely related to the way moms often pass eating disorders onto their daughters (or children they view as daughters) because they see a body that looks something like theirs and project all of their insecurities and ideals onto it. i’m talking about a form of parental transphobia and projection that’s specific to the dynamic of a cis mother and her child who was “supposed to” be her daughter.

if you’ve never felt that, you’re not even remotely qualified to tell me shit about how i should be talking about that experience, and if you couldn’t recognize that experience when you read my post, i’m guessing you probably haven’t experienced it because the replies to that post made it very clear to me that anyone who has experienced it firsthand immediately knew exactly what i meant.

like, yeah, cis dads also project onto their trans daughters, but are they likely to have a reaction like running away with actual tears streaming down their face? do you expect them to passive aggressively make comments about how sad their kid’s transition makes them, how it’s such a difficult emotional time, how it’s so tragic because their kid’s body was so beautiful before? do you think their go-to transphobic reaction will be weaponizing their emotions? i’m sure there are some dads out there who are like that, but i think we can agree they’re in the minority because that’s not how cis men are taught to react and parents like this tend to be pretty damn committed to following the gender roles they were taught.

and even if i’m wrong and our experiences are exactly the same, let me reiterate that i never said this was an experience exclusive to trans men. all i said is that it happens to us. that’s just a statement of objective fact.

this started in my life when i got my hair cut short for the first time almost a decade ago and it has not stopped since. i’ve watched my mom cry over me changing my name and respond to being asked if my happiness matters more to her than my name by saying “i care about both”, i’ve watched her melt down in a mall over me getting a suit for prom and give me the silent treatment for days after, i’ve heard her plead with me to stop t because it “looks unnatural” and she’s just so “concerned for my health”, i’ve watched her stare at me post-op and say “my poor baby” over and over like she’s looking at my corpse in a casket. i’ve watched her turn herself into the victim of every single aspect of my transition. i’ve had to live with this for 9 years and spent the early years of the pandemic literally locked in a house with it. this has been my entire adolescent and adult life, and the question of if i’ll have to cut her off someday (and maybe never see my cat or my little cousins who i love more than anything in the world ever again as a result) haunts me every single day.

who the fuck are you to tell me how to talk about that?

#i hope you weren’t expecting me to take this in good faith and give a nice measured response #because just so we’re clear you didn’t have a chance in hell of doing anything other than pissing me off #like in case you forgot i am a real person who this is happening to #in what world did you think i’d care about how an anonymous stranger feels about how i describe it when im the one who has to live it #idk man. some of y’all clearly do not see me as an actual person capable of emotion and it shows #also like. using a friend’s experience is wild bc 1) how do you know it was the same if it didn’t happen to you #and 2) would that friend really want you using their experience against another trans person experiencing something similar? #anon hate #ask answered #examples of transandrophobia #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia #trans men

[courviknight]

today worst day ever 🥹🥹 so glad to be home

#god forbid. a person ik owes me money and im lowkey getting annoyed bc i feel she has it but wont give it to me 😞 i paid for sm of her food #and i felt like she kept interrupting my convos w ppl!! i need her to get off my back #like i dont understand why she asks me to go outside to get food?? if she doesnt order??? like ik i have a complicated money process and its #annoying af IM SORRYYY IM INCONVENIENT!!!! but also man. the app was down at an inconvenient time for two days #and i couldnt pay thru gcash 😞😞 #so i 1) went out for NOTHING and 2) just felt so sad idk like ;(( #when i came back i was just sad. like idk i felt ashamed to ask for money bc im so annoying or smth #some of my other band mates asked if i str and i just started to PISS MY EYES LIKE IM SORRY!!!!! #idk i feel like i just release stress out in bursts like that like why cant i express these things normally #like i have a past gripe bc i used to be so sensitive as a kid i wojld cry and ppl would just give me things #and like. idk. i dont want to come off as that like im not crying for attention you asked me How are uou Doing and the doing came out thru #pissing my eyes out. idk what else to say fellas #i got issues 😞 but im so grateful there were ppl looking out for me when i was feeling annoying and was broody #i feel like a lot of ppl ive met havent been able to handle that v well and its like oh man that explains why i try #not to cry in the first place!! hahaha okay!!! #but like yeah man. idk i am miffed w this girl bc like. it just always feels like she tries to ctrl what or who i talk to #i cant wait to not be classmates w her 😔 #caw.txt #vent

[mainfaggot]

another shit fucking day but in the most casual way possible bc all i did was sulk study cry study sulk and finally, sulk in the shower. chai next and then bed . fuck my stupid baka life forrealsies

#i almost had an argument w my mother over nothing at one point bc i was so anxious about nothing and everything at once and well #i keep thinking. idk what im doing anything for anymore #like when we were arguing i was like wait what if she brings up how shes giving me a ride to uni multiple times this week #and then i was like wait if she says that. I'll just tell her not to. and then ill skip class. and then ill drop my classes and get a refund #and then ill drop out of uni. and then ill kill myself! #mind you i was thinking about all of this and the argument didnt even go in that direction in the end bc it was over very quickly #ljke. what ks wrong with me #i keep thinking that if my parents get pissed at me for being good for nothing despite me trying my hardest not to be #i really will end it all finally like Actually #bc i dont understand anymore. why are they paying for my stupid medication and tuition #theyre too nice to me #i know they expect me to send them money in their ideal imagined scenario in which i get a good job after getting a masters degree #and i know they expect that I'll take care of them when theyre old bc in their ideal. imagined. scenario. i 1) dont off myself in the next #few years 2) am not a lesbian who ruins the whole family dynamic by coming out and 3) get a well paying job and a husband #so. so yeah #but right NOW theyre nice to me and they take care of me but also i think everything is pointless but i try anyway because they take care #of me and they want me to be well but how am i supposed to be Get Well if i don't believe in myself #like i dont think thats possible really. #maybe a tiny bit? like maybe i won't be Well but i can be better. yeah i can do that #so i guess thats why im still trying #but then it's like. being Better is so. marginally different from being at rock bottom in a way #like yeah its significant improvement clinically but to me it's still casually miserable in its own unique way bc it's better but its still #very much present lingering choking me etc #so that brings me to the following: #im trying so hard but for what exactly? 'just keep going!' but at what cost? but why when im still like this? #z.post

[rewindremi]

empathy and being able to mask are at an all time low

#am i getting pissed off at minor things that i shouldnt be? yes. did i just realize that im in the middle of a *huge* derealization episode #and splitting from reality most times? also yes. highly suseptablr to believing lies & misinfo rn so uh pls kindly point out if somwthing i #say isnt actually a reality or like those posts where peoplr day 1 thing is pictured and its not really whats pictured. #bc i v seriously am having trouble w know whats reality and whats jokes #i dont want to have to be in public when i feel this way. and it hit me that ive alowly been sliding into this and now im Here and

[theautumnriverleaves]

.

#ah yes you are correct mother i am absolutely the bitch for saying that if the customer that i am meeting at 4:30 am #as a favor specifically for you #isn't there to pick up their catering order by 5:10 am you need to come switch out with me #how silly of me to forget #or to dare want to get some sleep before work #im so fucking sick of this shit #all the shit work shit family shit #like howd i get here #i was born dealing with this shit and no one seems to know how to teach me to stop dealing with this shit #also two big reasons I'm so pissed are #a) bc of her negligence we were both there until well passed 1am working on said order #b) literally last night I was literally crying to her about how my routine and rituals have been shattered #bc of half the state being out of power #and she goes and fucks up my ability to re regulate thru reestablishing them with this shit #and then says *thats uncalled for* when I tell her i absolutely am not going to do this song and dance tomorrow #and that tomorrow im getting back into my rhythm whether she has to stay at work until 1 am or not #explicitly me

[snekdood]

idk who needs to hear this (vaush) but being a skilled debater and being Good With Words does not make you correct.

#just bc you can finesse your audience into believing anything you say bc you're good at convincing them STILL doesnt make you correct #on everything bud. #spewing incorrect shit just bc you know you can get away w convincing ppl of it makes you no better than the alt righters you hate #its like he learned he could convince everyone hes correct if he words things the right way and decided his biased opinions #was what everyone needed to be taught as fact. fucking wild. #'durr its not my fault if my audience uncritically believes everything i say' yeah it kinda is bc you kinda set it up as #'if you dont agree with me you're just dumb and dont know anything' #also even if you jokingly say 'im always right' doesnt mean 1. thats not gonna subconsciously effect you to make you think you Are #and 2. that doesnt mean everyone knows you're joking. #so fucking pissed at him for this. unbiased my ass #maybe he lost a huge chunk of fans all at once so hes doing everything he can to keep the remaining ones not sure #oh well. at least hes not as bad about it as keffals. though i am still starting to get culty vibes from vaushs audience now. #at least the ones perpetually in his chat. #also then again i wouldnt exactly consider keffals anything near a 'skilled debater' #and before any a yall accuse me of kds bitch idgaf about the noodles shit. its dumb. i understand nuance. #unlike yall who are devolving into b/w thinking where you think anyone critical of your faves is just a wokescold with #[enter name] derangement syndrome #only reason i stopped interacting w keffals shit is i realized she would never respect me as a person so yeah. same w vaush quite frankly. #keffals dismissing trans mascs. vaush acting like ppl who believe in shit are all mentally ill. yeah im over them for that shit. #like get fucked you up-your-own-asses elitist tools #ig that one applies to vaush more. keffals just doesnt care about anything but herself it seems like.

[doodlboy]

Hoo boy, miserable in the club 2night lads

#i cant draw #ive been trying all day and its just shit #then i open instagram and see 2 reel ideas ive been wanting 2 do but cant #bc 1 i cant draw so i cant do the draw urself as a clown and 2 i dont have enough finished pieces in enough colors to do the “my art is X” #like #fuck #fuuuuuck #i hate everything #why dont my hands want to do things #why cant i understand perspective #ive watched enough fucking tutorials by now #why cant i pose bodies interestingly why cant i draw how it looks when a torso is bent why do i draw the same shit over and over again #why cant i stay consistent why do i not have any construction lines besides the fucking head circle #why dont i plan things out more why why why why why AUGHHHHHHHHH #miserable night #im so pissed off at myself rn #i know how to do things so why am i not doing them like im supposed to #i had rhe whole day off and i spent most of it on my phone when i could have been drawing. now i need to get up in 6 hours #bc i decided that midnight was a good time to draw #and my fucking ankles still hurt like theyre sprained or broken or whatever #im so pissed #mini rant #mini vent #elliot rambles

[palms-upturned]

.

#meg talks #came home to a notice of a lease violation and i was like ?! WYM #turns out it’s bc. i have one (1) small plastic storage bin on my patio tucked into the corner where u can hardly even see it #can landlords like. die #i am so pissed off sorry im fucking poor and can’t afford to make my patio look all pretty to raise ur goddamn property value #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #it’s fixed easily enough i guess but oooooo the fucking thought of calling them tomorrow like #sowwy for using my living space in a way that harms no one and nothing #won’t do it again pinky swear 🥺 #GO TO HELL!!! AAAAAAA #IM ALREADY CRAMMING THREE PPL INTO A ONE BRDROOM APARTMENT I DONT HAVE FUCKING SPACE FOR SHIT!!!! #im literally so pissed off over like nothing im just. this made the stress bubble burst ig #now i want to scream from a hilltop or smth

[orcelito]

With my girlfriend's assistance, I realized that the trigun characters I'm most attracted to are (in this order): Wolfwood, Vash, & Elendira

... Yeah

#speculation nation #she brought up midvalley and i was just like 'lmfao' so that's a no for him #4th most would be millie. love a big butch. #'but what about meryl?' you may cry. listen *im* a meryl. as in too small. i dont find that personally as attractive. #secret fifth option would be knives but im usually too pissed at him to focus on it hdkdhx #but as vash's twin is there any surprise about it? #anyways this post isnt entirely news but the way my gf was listing off character names #and came to elendira & i was just like '........' & she was like 'ok Counting Her' #post is obviously about trimax elendira lmao. the ONLY elendira in my heart. #ww still number 1 bc Yeah ❤. but i have also accepted vash into my heart. i am at peace. #yea it's 4 am yea im awake i have no concept of normal sleep schedules. it's fine.

[pepprs]

meant to post abt this yesterday and ik it’s kinda mean but i think the counselor i have rn is the worst one ive ever had possibly even worse than (or tied w) the one i had over the summer who kept ending our sessions well before the full hour was up when i was going thru a horrible time and kept spending the sessions mostly talking abt herself and her own problems. actually no now that i write that out she was probably the worst (though she was one of the warmest / nicest and our personalities meshedreally well so i feel bad saying that she was the worst). but the one i have now is so…. lke idk. my experience w the worst counselor made me rly want to work w a clinical intern again bc i wanted someone who would like. actuallytake things seriously and give me the time i was paying for and spend all of it talki ng abt the things i was paying to talk abt and draw from the most recent / cutting edge info instead of entirely personal experience (WHICH AGAIN I FEEL SO BAD ABT BECAUSE. my work is all abt healing each other by sharing things like that and i realt did like her but it just wasn’t appropriate i guess bc it was a counseling relationship!) but my current counselor is so… rigid and restrictive. like i think he is trying too hard to apply what he’s being taught and he seems like nervous and talking out of his ass and he masks that by taking up SO much space and spending like 3 minutes responding to every one minute i talk and literally like strongarmimg the convos and deciding what we’re going to talk about and moving us on to a new topic abruptly before i feel ready to move on and like taking time out of our sessions to do paperwork / admin stuff so he doesn’t forget later (and a lot of the time i think he’s doing it while im talking bc i see his eyes moving around his screen and the light on his face like he’s not even listening to me). and it fucking sucks. i want to crack him like an egg so bad and make him realize it doesn’t have to be this way but i know that’s not my responsibility and in our session last night i basically gave up trying to create enough space for myself and just let him steer things bc i was having side effects and it was just rly unsatisfying

#purrs #i know it is entirely within my right to address these things both for my sake and for his / his future clients but im so scared lol like i #don’t want to tell him he’s doing a bad job and making it hard for me to navigate but literally when you keep steamrolling and silencing me #and cutting me off and forcing me around… yeah. also he has to record our sessions and show them to his profs / supervisors and it’s so like #idk. ive been recorded in sessions before and im totally fine w it but there’s 2 things abt this specific instance of it thst distress and #annoy me. 1) when we sign on to our session he says like 2 things to me then starts the recording and is TOTALLY fake and forcing it like #hello tess welcome to our session and he’ll repeat some of the stuff he said but in a more like.. extensive way so it just feels rly fake #to me lol. WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME 1.5) not related to the recording but every time he asks me questions he asks like… 3 questions but doesn’t #give me space to answer the two like it’s just a bridge for him as he&/ working his way to the thing he actually wants to ask me and i #fucking hate when ppl ask me questions and then answer them themselves or like don’t want to hear the answer. i had 2 profs like that in #brighton and it fucking pissed me offff so being around someone who does that again is rly agitating ik it’s just a nervous habit but yeah. #and 2) i am kinda concerned that none of my counselors profs or supervisors have seemed to call him on how he doesn’t give me space or let #me guide the convo. like idk maybe it’s just that all of my counselors before him were too loose w me but i feel like it s not supposed to f #feel this rigid and i am kinda scared abt the implications of no one actually watching these recordings and see how i try to speak but he #almost always talks over me and i just give up. lol. i like him he’s a nice person i just think he’s nervous and trying too hard and it #would be passable for like.. the little kid clients who usually go there but it doesn’t feel good for me a 23 year old who has had like what #6 counselors before him all of whom gave me space and didn’t shove me around. i miss the counselors i had from oct 2020 - jul 2021 and sept #2021 - feb 2022 they were the best ever and i am inches away from terminating here and just trying to go to wherever they are full time now #and working w them again bc they rly got me and i didn’t know how good i had it lol. i guess i don’t need someone as good anymore bc things #in my life are objectively better than they were during those times but my mental health is still bad so i would uhhh… like someone good #and don’t think that’s too much to ask and need to get it into my head that i CAN ask it. ok rant over #*no one actually watching the recordings has seen / pointed out to him how he steamrolls me etc etc

[ribcagewolf]

if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more (home, like noplace is there 2014 studio album by american emo band the hotelier)

#rant incoming XP i am always overflowing with emotion #the emo band poll is PISSING ME OFF and it literally wouldnt be if they called it the pop punk poll but theyre calling it emo and #mcrs gonna win and theyre my favourite band and the best there but #idk labels dont have to be serious but if yr gonna call it a genre poll then yk #im not gonna be like. MCRS NOT EMO 😡😡 bc they def do have elements and you cant fully seperate them from the genre #but those rly Arent emo bands emo is such an important genre to me #to me emo is about desperation and grief and its kind of inherently a suburban genre almost like #midwest emo is so much about the suburbs and the way it creates this desolate childhood trapped in glass forever #anyways the best band that represents this is HOTELIER !1!!!!!! #home is a fucking perfect album . #housebroken is actually the best midwest emo song and jusr one of the greatest songs of all time but they GET IT #achggg its so perfect the layer of it being about like. police abuse and that experience of teenage recklessness growing up in northamerica #the cycles the trap! #but also tje personal touch of like #i listen to that song and i remember why i started seeing myself as a wolf when i was a kid #lycanthropy loneliness cycle of abuse #your bark might seem bad but ill show u the scars from when the state sent you over to deliver your teeth #are you fucking KIDDING MEE AHHH #commitment to the pain when irs all youve ever known... try to take out my claws expect a visceral reaction try to muzzle me up #ill lash out ill bite back.. #anyways

[adhdheather]

fucked up when adhd gets out of control and starts to ruin my life. like this shouldnt be allowed!!!! im suffering due to my inability to do work thats boring or overwhelming!!!! dont wanna have to take thoughts in my head and turn them into college level writing!!!

#its almost the end of the semester and the realization of the sheer amount of work i need to do has me Screaming mentally #like what do u mean i have 3 papers. 1 group project. multiple exams. and 4 discussion boards!!!!!!! this is my own fault #AND a professor is currently probably pissed w me bc im so behind and have no excuse other than 'adhd made thoughts difficult' #need to email her and be like 'hi! i am so sorry i promise i respect and value this class. i am just bad at finishing assignments. #am i still able to hand in these assignments late? totally understandable if no' and hope i dont fail this course #also my group project is on the connection between adhd and addiction and Damn it feels rough reading through these academic studies #p

[woahajimes]

stoppp a costumer snitched on me wtf

#it was 1:14 i ended 1.15 ok. customer comes in with the mother of all fucking carts #like it was HUGE #except he was looking for a lane and we made eye contact and i was like no please #and he laughed and i was like noo dont do this to me but like in a light tone #anyways of course he fucking comes to my lane #anyways it is a long transaction so of course i dont fucking ifnish and its 1.24 when i finish and the guy didnt fucking help me like atall #and i was like fucking pissed not only bc i should have been going HOME. but he didnt help me whatsoever #and he had a real messy cart too #btw this is all heavy stuff for businesses so its not like usual groceries so i gotta punch in a buncha codes and stuff and lift if necessa #ry? anyways. i finish and he's paying and of course im mad and then he makes a joke and i remember that i am a comic personality so #i play along and im like omg haha yeah at whatever he said right #and he's just finding this so fucking funny and i want to hit him #anywyas i was like ''i was supposed to end like 4 minutes ago'' #and i followed with ''but its alright dont worry about it'' and the usual ''have a great day'' or sth #anyways i leave im free i go home #apparently some fucking customer snitched on me. don't know if its the fucking guy or some other nosy bitch #and its the manager that obviously fucking hates me and im so fucking mad guys like who tf was it. #im so mad guys what the actual fuck #or. or i beet it was that girl after me (she came in at 1.15. she is a 60 yr old woman) #GOD I BET IT WAS. she's such a snitch she's done it before #but she also didnt help me #im so mad rn #lol i told my mom abt the customer (not the snitching part bc i found that out rn) and shes ike girl just quit and find a job closer #like god i am tempted. but i like my job i just hate my fucking manager #aparently she played it off as ''oh she's just being silly'' but ik she's mad mad #anyways i dont work till friday so idc

[chanyoungies]

the urge to commit crimes

#i volunteered to do the last two parts of the presentation bc i had alr started doing research on it before we divided larts #but i had done a large portion of my research on the okinawa dialect(/lgge) . which was one of the initial 2 we were gonna cover #nd After we r divided parts this one girl in the group who got assigned the analysis part on okinawan kept being like yea i dont see any #linguistic info on this . nd i personally kept trying to lightly be like thats weird bc i do see info . . like adding sources that cld be #useful for her . but like i didnt wanna be forceful bc like if u dont wanna work on okinawa i cant force u to u know #but like by the end of the meeting she successfully convinced everyone that we shld do another one instead #which affects me bc im doing the attitudes abt/perception of both dialects we r working on #nd like . i was like sure its ok at first like i was slightly pissed bc i was alr half done w the part that id have to scrap but #i mean sure if thats easier for u whatever #but now im finding out that i am finding close to nothing abt what she chose #how am i supposed to go 5 minutes when all i find is one (1) line abt it #mind u i am still convinced that she DID have enough material to work with for okinawa originally #either that or she refused to look at english sources one or the other idk