#being bipolar is a good time!

[arionawrites]

decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.

#nine bullet points #of diagnosed things i struggle #i struggle with #1. type one diabetes 2. adhd 3. bipolar 4. severe anxiety 5. depression 6. insomnia 7. migraines 8. dpdr 9. ptsd #and im just ?? existing like this??? literally how what the fuck #there’s more than that too thats just like the actual able to be diagnosed shit #probably also at least slightly autistic but my psychologist said that its not bad enough to impact me big time and a diagnosis would do mor #more harm than good so im just kind. Not lmao #but also: abandonment issues self worth issues guilty conscience issues feeling unworthy of literally everything issues #awful at establishing boundaries #sh issues #(not for like years but its a struggle to not relapse every year esp during winter) #suicidal ideation but at least ive never actually been suicidal #not bc i particularly love being alive but because the fact that i dont know what comes after death scares me too much lmao #even at my lowest of lows i have not wanted to kms SOLELY bc the unknown scares me enough to be like #yeah this sucks but at least i know it #at least it’s like familiar which is sad but still true lma #OH ALSO eating disorder lmao. diabulimia is a thing. #genuinely how have i not been fucking hospitalized #not in a bad way but like. idk how i havent gotten to that point yet #tho to be fair there are multiple points i probably should have been tbh #i just. dont want to worry people? or inconvenience anyone. and i know im not gonna kms so its easy to be like ‘i dont need that’ #i have overshared way too much in these tags sorry i’ll stop now #if anyone has actually read all of these: i’m sorry. i love you. i hope you feel better than i do. i hope you smiled today.

[boxwinebaddie]

did kyle cry when he found out raven was stan

yes...A Lot.

which is kind of a big deal, because jersey kyle...

never cries.

ever.

so its a large part of the Why Can't Jersey Say I Love You ask meme, that, ik, is taking me forever -- i have so many asks rn haha -- but for the sake of context/lore, i will summarize part of it here. ( badly )

in essence, kyle, who is the least okay/mentally fortified person ever, is under the false pretense that everything in his life is fine...bc he refuses to process that it isn't. because to him, as long as everything is going to plan, w/ no detours or distractions...Everything Is Perfect.

see, kyle...likes to plan. kyle likes order. kyle does not like chaos.

he does not like to deal with messy, complex human emotions, fussy things, upsetting things, dramatic things, any kind of touchy feelings. its inefficient, makes you vulnerable, its embarrassing, its impractical. most of all...its unpleasant/upsetting. kyle doesn’t do unpleasant and upsetting...kyle Is unpleasant and upsetting.

and after stan died...kyle wept inconsolably. he cried rivers, lakes and oceans, day in and day out, only to realize that all the puffy eyed, red cheeked, blubbering and snot...were for naught, because kyle could cry until he died of dehydration, sob until his chest was swollen, scream until his throat was raw & bloody; it didn't matter.

because it wouldn't bring stan back.

...that no matter what he did, how hard he begged, bartered or pleaded...at the end of the day, his sweet, precious stanley marsh was still Dead and kyle was still the same sad little boy he always was, drowning in his sorrows & his dead super best friend's jacket, weak and whimpering, eyes warbling. a waste. a weakling. a worm.

so one day...he just...Stopped.

he just stopped feeling things.

completely.

as a coping mechanism ( aka not-coping ) he just decided to compartmentalize all those uncomfortable, intense feelings, anything that wasn't useful to him and ignored them all together. pretended like they didn't exist. will not humor them. which makes sense bc in addition to not crying, kyle also doesn't laugh.

this, i think, is interesting because, to keep himself 'safe' and in working order at all times, kyle doesn't think about unpleasant things, he also is outwardly abhorrent to prevent things from getting to close to him, anything he could get attached to or might get sentimental about because he doesn't like to be vulnerable at all.

conversely, stan feels things extremely deeply and all the time. so he is constantly in distress and disarray because at all times, he is aware of how Sad he is and can't compartmentalize things like kyle can.

( can we see why it might be super easy for ravenstan to tell someone he loves them and why it would be really hard for jerseykyle? fML )

but back to kyle who count on both hands...maybe one hand...the amount of times he's cried.

he cried the morning after the sadie hawkins dance in sixth grade when all the news crews and ambulances and firetrucks were at stans old house, watching them put shelley in a body bag, and telling him like, in stans jacket, that they couldn't find him and that the flames were so hot that he probably got incinerated in the blaze.

he cried when he found out raven was stan. it was...a lot.

he also cried...

...when they broke up during the ravesey divorce. </3

like it was....Oooooof. it was so sad and fucked up. like when i tell you jersey kyle, like scary ass jerseykyle, who never bends to Anyone, was literally on his hands and knees begging ravenstan to stay I'MMM :(

he was clinging onto the hem of stan's shorts, absolutely devastated, lip quivering, fucking hyperventilating like nononono--stan, don't go! please, Please don't go! please, please, please don't go! :(( don't leave!! don't leave!! waitwaitwait!!! i do! please just--just Wait!!! :(( i do, baby! i Really do! so, so much and -- i! FUCK!!! i can--i can Say it! please just give me one second! i can--NO!!! NONONO sTAN, PLEA

sigh....*narrator vc* He Could Not Say It.

it was sooooo goddamn AWFUL!!! like literally the one thing that kyle fears the most in the world is losing stanley marsh which had already happened once and was now happening AGAIN??? oh my Godddd

his abandonment issues are so gnarly :'(

aStandonment more like

he also held it together while stan was there, however, the second that door closed, kyle wept BROKENLY into stans big shirt, full body shaking, knees to his chest, loud, open mouth sobbing, the knees of his pajama pants drenched, desperately trying to reach stan, to try and explain himself with words that wouldn't come, only to find that stan had blocked him...On Everything.

it was AAAaaAAa ;-;

uUuUuGh!!! plus it's sooooo sad and Scary when jerseykyle cries because it basically triggers a massive, full-blown Panic Attack!! because he's like oh god why am i suddenly feeling every bad thing ive ever repressed? why can't i breathe? why does my Chest Hurt??

:(( jErSey

hell is a PLACE, bitch!

anyways...tldr: yes, kyle did cry when he found out raven was stan. he cried when he lost stan, found stan...and then lost stan again.

fun! :)

-uncle nina, jojo posing at the gates of gay boy angst hell

#i gotta stop doing the ask memes at the top of my box #BUT I AM PASSIONATE ABT THIS #also please note that stan was packing a bag and jersey was like nonononono where are u going where are u going :( #and stan was like Out and kyle was like stan its -10 degrees you are in a shirt and shorts like u cannot go out like that!! #i cant let you go unless i know youre somewhere safe #and ravenstan was like Kenny Is Picking Me Up #WHIIIIIIIIIIIICH OUGH MY GOD WHEN I TELL U KYLE WAS TRIGGERED AS HELL OH MY GOD THE VIOLENCE #like kenny was dating marj but u know hes still a little insecure abt kenny being in love with stan even if it was unrequited #but more than stan was sober and kenny was not also this was def abt to cause a stan bipolar ep so kyle was worried abt him #relapsing it was OOOOOOF marj and kenny also broke up during this period of time bc kenny took stans side and marj took kyles #ommmfg i cant talk abt the ravesey divorce i hate it so Bad #but i am very passionate abt jersey kyle and how he just made himself into a machine and like doesnt know how to be human #but yeah so jers does not feel things as a coping mechanism so he does not know how to process anything that is important #and doesnt cry bc its gross and insufficient and not useful to him he doesnt love people bc it is not practical #and he did that for so long and it was so dehumanizing that like he does not know how to be vulnerable or soft so #yeah...kyle does not cry if hes crying its for a good reason its also super bad bc hes probably having a panic attack #and is rly scared/upset bc he suddenly gets hit w all the waves of unpleasant human emotion he repressed & freaks out bc he doesnt kno #what to do....i love u jerseykyle even if u cant say it back bb

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#guess whos back in therapy bby 😎 #the lady i saw was nice. 1st appointments r always a lotta blah blah blah so much to cover #and im always like bleh whatever im not that bad but when u put it all down on paper it is sorta a lot lol #i got the comment. hm u seem to kno a lot abt the dsm. and like listen. i have been meticulously categorizing my problems for the last 4 #years. and i like to learn so ya kno. also said yea it sounds like u r having hypomanic episodes. #and asked if bipolar was a possibility and like if i was bipolar that would absolutely blow my god damn mind. im pretty sure its just pmdd #but whatever. im open to the possibility. mostly i wanna hear someone else perspective on this #i feel like im collaborating on a project. like gimmie ur notes i wanna see if were on the same track. bc im insane like that #i always feel bad when they apologize for asking invasive questions. like neh its fine. i got nothin to hide and i dont give a fuck #also i told a class of my peers that my distraction from research is drawing narut0 fan art. again bc i do not #give a single fuck. Professors response: hopefully we get to see it some day. bro. if u ask me i will show u. i do not care #i mean. probably nothing too weird but i feel like most of my stuff is safe to share. i just come off looking like a weeb i guess #but yea back in therapy bc my mum reminded me bc the ppl around me irl r also worried for my well-being based on my behavior lol #i mean its just bc i complain that im in like psychological pain a lot. so lots and lots of bitching abt my brain ^^ #the lady i saw did fall a lil bit into my trap. like what woulf ur life look like if u had everything under control? bc it seems like ur #here and ur starting a phd what more do u want? and im like mwahaha but u see i can do school #i can do school so good. i am the best at school and thats it. i am otherwise barely functional #so i can be successful on paper and dysfunctional when it comes to having a life :-] #but whatever. well see what she wants to follow up on next week bc i threw a lot at her #also went to my office for the 1st time. it is really nice to sit in a working lab and watch ppl interact. but also i do feel like im #dying if i try to sit in that room with 2 other ppl lol. so well see how it goes. i may find somewhere else to hide #unrelated

[bo0zey]

anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol

#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird #this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY #i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it #whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo #i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work #imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞 #real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason #like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me #ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS??? #ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like #why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean #i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything #i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed #i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame #i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol #also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually #cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj #i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle #i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore #i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable #ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao #im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed #ramblings #shut up cianna

[ongreenergrasses]

that moment when you’re worried you’re manic and instead it’s just called being happy for the first time in months

#it hasn’t been a good time!!! but things have improved!!! #I love being bipolar. hooray #.txt

[kraviolis]

if i had to guess, i’d estimate that only about 1/3 of all the fanfiction i’ve written has been posted.

#krav talks #i have posted 2 star wars fanfics that equal about 20k-28k words altogether iirc #but i estimate myself to have written probably like. 80k words worth of star wars fanfic #also i have like 200k words worth of gravity falls fics ive never posted #and 25k worth of steven universe fics #and you dont even wanna KNOW how much ive written for half life/hlvrai and never finished. #i was fucking insane in 2020. i was riding a high that im forever trying to recreate #a lil 18 year old freshly dropped out of high school right before the pandemic hit so i never had to do zoom school #i had just stopped going to therapy but at the same times just started taking adhd meds that actually worked after 2 years of duds #sometimes i wonder if i have bipolar disorder just because that whole entire era of my life could be classified as a manic episode #maybe i just hibernate in the winters actually. bcus consistently every single summer for the past 4-5 years have felt similarly #oh my god wait. no im dumb i just have seasonal depression. #i cant believe i was thinking that feeling good and motivated and happy and being full of life was mania

[puppygirldanhowell]

tbt when i was telling my therapist about my self destructive habit to get obsessed w people and then lose interest in/genuinely dislike them when they dont give me enough attention affection love etc and she deadass replied "it's funny how you you recognize that you're doing this but don't stop yourself from it" WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO AKSDNKL3NFR

#MAAMMMMM BAHAHKDHRLKH #it was funny but like. girl just because i realize im doing it doesnt mean i suddenly can control those emotions. thats kind the whole poin #of being bipolar akskjbeknfl #this has totally chilled out since i broke up w my ex gf which is. good and bad #good bc i hated being a shitty person bad bc as of super recently im not getting obsessed w people at ALL #which is TERRIBLE bc i literally cant remember a time in my life wheni wasnt obsessed w someone #i had a favorite person at age five. what am i meant to focus my energy on now??? myself???? you playin #ash is mentally ill

[huenot]

.

#Just one of those days where a good time has been had #And then just... #I don't know why this shit hit that deep #But... #There is something to be said #That both my parents think I'm unhinged in two different ways #My fuckin wiggly creature donor used to say I'm an absolute psychopath #Coming from the bipolar fuck who fucked up so much #But also #... #Something in my mother reminding me that I was very... Violent in vibes if not deeds #Hit a nerve over here #Being told she had very blood and carnage filled dreams while pregnant with me and she's never had those before or since #Sometimes I look down my fuckin road #And all I see is dark and violent and even if not in reality #In my mind #And it leaves me wondering #Am I good for anything else #When I dig down #And all I feel is rage and pain and frustration #I dig under all of this good that I've had recently #And under that surface level I feel so much anger #Feel like I might explode #And I don't #And I figure the only way I can truly make it seen is through art #Feels like I've been putting all this nice paint #On top of jagged walls #With blood on the edges and rust on their hinges #Feels like I need to scream #Sometimes I really feel like there's something wrong with me

[barkingangelbaby]

*inhales* *exhales* AAAAHHHHHH

#THERAPY @ 11 TODAY #i know it's just the first session but idek what to dive into first #do i focus on my attachment issues that stem from being an orphan the entire time #do i talk about my strained relationship with my sister #do i talk about how i went nonverbal for almost 2 years after (redacted) #do i talk about my suspected adhd #do i talk about being worried im bipolar #do i talk about how desperately i want to be a good person and friend and lover but find myself isolating instead #AHHHHH #it will be good and fine i know it's only session one and it takes time to repair urself #thank u for coming 2 my tedtalk #things will be ok #rAMbles

[ziracona]

Me every single time I’ve made the mistake of trying to be friends with a psych major.

#Batman the telltale series #telltale batman #the enemy within #‘you’re drawn to the criminally insane. there’s something about them. the danger. the chaos. the energy’ INSANE THING TO SAY AVESTA!!! #I know this is how psych majors think they’re entitled to talk but this is not!!! an okay normal way for strangers to talk to strangers!!! #what is WRONG with you girl!! also no! that’s not it at all but you couldn’t understand you’re a cop #it’s wild how those people will talk to you like they know you better than you know you with the force of god and be wrong every time #psych majors will read this post and think ‘Ah this person is intimidated by someone’s ability to look them over and see all their hidden #truths laid bare. To catch every trick and lie and secret and tick and mental issue and see how it works. and is reacting defensively to not #being able to hide from that being read.’ babe no I am afraid of the Wild damage people who think this way automatically cause 24/7 even #wildly good psychology professionals aren’t right 100% of the time I’m scared of high school bullies going into the med field thinking #they’re psychic Christ and so deep because they’ll notice one personality trait and decide you must be bipolar #psych majors

[proteuus]

well all I can do really is show up run a bad shift and leave. what else do you want from me

#bipolar this new meds new side effects that like to be for real i am just not that good at this job #well I'm a fantastic closer in a cafe store the thing is i work as an opener at a drive through store so its. you know #im rlly good at the opening part the problem is if you open you also run peak which i suck at #(peak is the busiest two hour period of the day) #im a good mid shift too. the thing is really I'm good at task-oriented day parts and bad at drink-making-oriented ones #going back to being a closer isnt a real option and thats quitter talk anyway #i was a bad barista for a long time (then for a while i was a good opener/closer bad during peak same business) #but with enough persistence i became a really good barista. as a supervisor there is nothing else to do than that #sometimes--often even--its enough to just want something bad enough (and just keep trying to get it that is) #the bipolar meds situation isnt helping tho i got like no sleep yesterday

[axemetaphor]

true re: dave Also being psychotic along with the everything else. real even. i do think he was prescribed the zyprexa at the same time as the mandatory sessions with tennet, because in book 1 he'son undisclosed meds, 3 he's unmedicated, and in 4 he's on prozac.

but yeah. hes just like me fr

YEAH see ok. my timeline with his meds shit is in hs after the Billy incident he was likely put on antipsychotics (Haldol is a common one for anger issues, iirc) by the court as part of him going to the other high school and not Jail, and as he got older antidepressants were likely added/antipsychotics changed out or potentially dropped in his early 20s, etc. since it's unclear if he was still on them in book 1. I think he's always dealt w Brain Problems but that honestly a majority of his shit re: getting in trouble with the law is, hilariously, always unrelated to that.

re: the other part of my tags (bipolar people often getting prescribed antipsychotics as mood stabilizers/what I didnt mention: psychosis is sometimes a symptom of bipolar episodes) I Think he would be one of those bipolar people who falls through the cracks (getting diagnosed with just a Major Depressive Disorder, mood-wise, and then also being diagnosed psychotic, a psych/therapist not making the Connection) for years before properly getting a Bipolar II diagnosis. book 3 fr resonated with me SO FUCKING HARD he was exactly like me in high school. the fact hes abruptly doing better when shit goes down again ....... feels a lot like a hypomanic episode triggered by outside events. I'm absolutely rambling at this point but anyways I'm hyped to get my hands on book 4 to Study Him more lmao

#ive never been on antipsychotics but if were being real here: i was too scared to be honest with my psychiatrist at the time lmao #also i dont know if you want this ask to be answered private but uh i cannot. figure out how to do that on mobile #so just let me know ig wbsjsbsjs #also im not so good at names of meds i can never. remember them #but the only hole in my headcanon seems to be that i dont think any antidepressants he was on ever made him manic #which was my experience i got put on lexapro and oh BOY did it fuck me UP #the only hole in my bipolar headcanon* i mean #im having difficulty with Words this evening pls bear with me hfjndkdnd #asks #answered #rambles.txt #wigmonster

[six-demon-bag]

#oops #time to send apology cake to everyone who had to deal with me #sorry for cycling through all the emotions in ten minutes #or maybe being dramatic and needy #different flavors!! #isn’t that exciting #mental stability who #me on good days: I am stable and healthy for years!! #brain: bet #I am very dramatique #mental health #mental failure #sixdemon museum #meme #too many emotions #bipolar life

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

Okay BUT that ancient idea that all 'good' women don't have any sexual desires at all, only men do is highly destructive and still influencing society today...

For a very long time, I was so uncomfortable with the idea of having a sexuality at all because I internalized that shit. YES, REALLY!

For many years, I fought for the rights of my gay friends fiercely (all the while not connecting the dots of why it mattered to me on a more personal level).

I was loudly vocal about LGBT activism at my college, all while living like a nun and avoiding ever having to deal with any of my personal feelings.

Suppressing yourself like I did is NOT healthy. I wouldn't suggest it at all.

#I tell you I was probably the least self aware person you have ever met #granted I am sort of glad it turned out this way because I didn't know I was bipolar until I was 22 #So somehow younger me was just put all her manic energy into really loving the gays...hmm wonder why #I would not want to be a scary unmedicated girlfriend nooooooo because trust me it would have been UGLY #and somehow I thought I was asexual...I was just very good at supressing things which I can't any more because of the bipolar #and because I wanted to be the perfect daughter I tried to be straight and failed horribly at it...comp het is horrible it really is #don't waste your entire 20s trying to be someone you aren't #look you can be ace and be a woman that's not my point #hypersexuality which is a symptom of bipolar disorder pretty much rules out being asexual- sorry but I realized it #I wasn't asexual because I wasn't interested in men I was gay because I had been interested in women the whole time #I just aggressively ignored it for the most part since I had some fucked up ideas about myself and cared too much what people would think #one of my best friends is a lesbian irl and many many of my friends in school were LGBT of some kind #I purposely sought out other LGBT people to hang out with- because on a level I knew I belonged with them #I definitely miss the communities at school and I could just be around other gay people and just chill there #I'm lucky in that way I think and I hope all LGBT people experience that sense of belonging in their lives #Idk but I was thinking about the damaging confinement of assumed asexuality for women when uhhh that's not accurate WOMEN CAN HAVE DESIRES #mychatter

[possum-tooth]

being diagnosed some flavour of bipolar sucks actually

#not sure why i thought it would change things/make me feel better. now i just know for sure im an obsessive weirdo. :/ #anyone w bipolar reading this sorry but im gonna hate on it for a minute. ive hated myself for so long for my symptoms and now to have a #name to it kinda blows. like idk why i thought it would make me feel better to Put a name towards my ~feelings~ or whatever but #its kinda worse lol like oh so i Am fa different kind of fucked up. cool good very nice. :( #anyway. happy saturday ive only been thinking ab tinder guy AND im on my period so. a lot of this is explainable but it still sucks. #this is exactly what happened last time and im trying SO so hard not to message him 500 times bc im sure hes done w me but. #maybe its the lonliness too. like this past year ive discovered i Am actually social! i love being around/talking to people! but it sucks #when my rmt is never home or when she is shes in her room/is tired from the day like. i get it but i also need to talk to someone. or at #least sit around like a cat with. i need to parallel play w someone. :( #hello once again to my public journal lol #dontrb #talk tag

[greatbigstorm]

/ /

#being bipolar is stupid #why can't i just be calm #these extremes my mind pulls me towards are so fucking draining lmao #like you don't have to be dramatic all of the time 🙄 #i'm nowhere near on the good side of my spectrum tonight