#i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything

[bo0zey]

anyone else ever get in those silly goofy moods where u just hate urself sooo much that u instantly feel physically almost violently ill just thinking abt urself and also even tho u worked a 12hr shift w no breaks or water running off of the 2 cups of coffee u had for breakfast 20 hours ago, the thought of eating instantly sends bouts of nausea coursing thru ur soul while churning in ur stomach bc ur brain hates u so much that its convinced ur body that u don’t deserve sustenance or anything else that’s life sustaining or promotes ur physical well being because u subconsciously convinced urself that ur such a shit excuse for a human being that u neither deserve nor have any right to anything regarding maslow’s hierarchy of needs bc u r such an awful thing u deserve to be neglected n treated like the nonliving object ur own brain sees ur living body as or am i just mentally ill lol

#laying in bed everytime i think abt myself i feel literally nauseated n like it’s so weird #this feeling comes in waves intermittently just even .01 sec of ‘hm i’m hungry’ FFFFFNOPE HRRGRHFFF VOMITTY #i want to curl up in a ball and die forever i don’t care about me i don’t want to take care of me anymore i’m not even good at it #whyyyyyyyy did i stop taking my meddsssssss i guarantee y’all this is why i’m being such a crybaby on the dash lmaoooo #i have a headache i’m def dehydrated from crying n sniveling n barely drinking any water today while sweating like a mf at work #imma go to bed 🛌 if i don’t wake up i will be soooo pleasantly surprised y’all have no idea FINGERS CROSSED🤞 #real talk tho can someone tell me why my body is literally reacting this way for like no real reason #like am i truly that disgusted with myself i make myself nauseous just thinking abt me #ok yeah the answer is yes lol BUT LIKE WHY THATS SUCH A DRAMATIC BODILY RESPONSE TO MY BRAINS DUMBASS THOUGHTS??? #ik the body and mind have a super powerful link n the brain influences the body like crazy but like #why this why does my brain literally want me to berate and degrade myself and isolate me and make me cry alone n starve me that’s so mean #i’m not starving btw i’m literally always eating just these past 2 days i’ve been such a fuckup my body won’t let me do anything #i had a chocolate poptart for dinner last night (thurs) n threw myself to bed #i hope i don’t end up hurting myself that would be so lame #i literally don’t have time for that like i am Not doing wound care duty off the clock for my damn self lol #also don’t want to take care of myself so i wouldn’t bandage myself up properly sooo yeah i’m not gonna do anything actually #cleaning ur wounds r super important ok yall ur literally playing god if u don’t do good aftercare snfjfbdj #i can’t believe i’m in this nasty ugly depressive episode i hate this so much i don’t have time for this i hate this cycle #i hate being bipolar 2 n my moods n meds have been so fkcdd up lately that i don’t even have the rlly fun hypomanic episodes anymore #i’ve just been constantly having mixed episodes im unbearable to be around im so sorry for everyone that’s ever spoken to me im insufferable #ok that’s enough im done being dramatic lmao #im gonna give myself a bolus PRN dose of clonnie then i’m going tf to bed #ramblings #shut up cianna

[xserpentlife]

Just Dance with Me

Request: @avenging-fandoms heyo! can I requests something with prompts 2 and 25 from prompt 3? thank you! :)

A/N: sorry this is so late I've been super busy with school work

Summary: Sometimes you just gotta to dance in the rain.

Warnings: None its just realllly fluffy

Word Count: 2017

You and Sweet Pea have been dating for about 4 months, and it was safe to say you fell head over heels for the guy. He was cheesy as hell always doing cute little funny things. Sweet Pea was quite literally the sweetest guy you had ever met. There were also parts of him though that really made him a big baby. Like when he would get upset when you guys couldn’t do something together or when you'd be cuddling and someone would interrupt. Here is a little backstory. You guys have known each other for a while because you were friends with Toni. One night after being at the Wyrm Toni’s bike broke down which led to you and her not having a ride home. Sweet Pea and Fangs offered and you both gladly accepted. Sweets took a wrong turn on the way home “by accident” which led to you getting “lost”. But let’s be honest it wasn’t an accident to get lost in a field of flowers with a blanket laid out. You had to admit though it was clever and super cute. After that night you guys made a tradition that once every other week you would drive to the field, and just spend some time together. 

This week was the week you were supposed to go to the field but you haven’t really been feeling up to it, and you’ve been busy the entire week. On Monday you were sick with a stomach bug from eating out someplace fangs found on his way home from a job in Greendale. Tuesday you had to help Toni with a photo series she was doing for Cheryl’s birthday. Wednesday you had to work at the Wyrm. Thursday you had to do a job with FP, and Pea was out doing a different job with fangs. Friday you all planned to go see a movie at the drive in, but it got crashed when you all got a call because the Ghoulies decided to try to trash pops. And Saturday was the day you planned on going with Pea but then got interrupted by fangs bike breaking down and needing a ride to go see his boy in Greendale. An entire week went by of you not being able to go to the field and Sunday was the day that you guys slept in and cuddled at home. You figured you’d go to the field next week and it would be fine. But there was no way in hell Pea was letting that happen.

Sunday came and Pea kissed your cheek waking you up. 

“Hey babe get dressed and let’s go to the field since we have been interrupted literally this entire week” you covered your head with the blanket mumbling no “what do you mean no Y/N we have been going every week for the past 4 months” you stood up to go to the bathroom and while walking out said “I know Pea but id rather just stay here and cuddle you like we do every Sunday” with that you shut the bathroom door assuming he would have gone into the kitchen to make breakfast like he always does but no. you open the bathroom door and there he is “but pleaseeeeeee I wanna goooooooo” you shook your head walking past him “Pea why does it matter when we go we can just go tomorrow” he walked in behind me in the kitchen snaking his hands around my waist as I was stood at the fridge “well if we can go tomorrow why can't we just go today Y/N” you shook your head at how childish he was being. I mean he was annoying you but he was also super cute when he was needy like this. “I just don’t feel like it okay Pea... we have been out literally this entire week and I just want to chill at home with you is that so bad” he turned me around towards him “no it’s not that it's bad but I still want to go. But since you don’t I'll drop it... for now” ughh you knew exactly what that meant and within the next 2 hours you knew he would be asking you again. We were watching a movie and he surprisingly only asked again once throughout the entire thing so that was a plus. “Hey Pea I’m gonna go take a shower” he held onto me tighter “Pea let me go I need to go shower I stink” he let me go but shook his head “Baby you don’t stink but alright go ahead. Oh, and are you hungry? While your in the shower I can run to pop’s and get us some food” you shook your head yes stating how hungry you were but before you could close the bathroom door he said, “oh and btw can we go to the wyrm later?” you thought it was weird because you usually don’t go to the Wyrm on Sundays “I mean yeah I guess but why?” he stood up putting his jacket on “Toni needs the homework from Friday that she missed cause she wasn’t at school remember” he was acting really weird but you just ignored it. You were still in the shower when Pea came back because you had decided to take a bath. “Y/N are you okay in there?” you chuckled to yourself surprised he hadn’t tried to open the door. I mean there was a reason you didn’t lock it “yeah, yeah I'm good I’m getting out now” you got out of the bath walking into your guys’ bedroom and got dressed. You walked out smelling the Pop’s Pea had brought home “Pea that smells so good I am starving” you sat on the couch next to him as he was placing the food on the coffee table. “why were you in the shower so long? are you feeling alright?” as you took a bite of the burger you chuckled to yourself. “Yeah haha I was fine I decided to take a bath” You were in a mood so you decided to be a tease. almost finished with your burger you looked at him laughing. “Why are you laughing at me? do I have something on my face? he was wiping his face all over “no haha I’m laughing because I’m confused why you didn’t try to open the bathroom door” he looked at me confused “I was going to but when I said your name you answered back instantly... why?” I looked at him again chuckling “well you should have... I left it open for a reason” he looked at you wide-eyed “well I mean you can go back in and I can open it” you laughed again standing up grabbing your jacket “Can’t baby we gotta go visit Toni... right?” he cursed under his breath standing up with a “yeah... yeah, we do” 

We got on Pea's bike and started driving towards the Wyrm but instead of going straight at the intersection the asshole made a damn left. You tapped him on the shoulder but he just kept driving. You knew exactly where he was going and you were pissed. You didn’t want to go to the field because it was a 20 min drive and you just didn’t feel like it. He pulled to a stop getting off the bike as you punched him in the arm. “OW Y/N what was that for” you looked at him sternly “Oh shut up that did not hurt, and I hit you because you lied to me. You said we were going to the Wyrm for Toni. This is not the Wyrm and Toni is not here” he looked at the ground kicking the dirt and went to grab my hand but I backed away “look, baby, I'm sorry but I didn’t want to break out tradition... its important to me” You looked up into his eyes and could see the plea. You knew he was sorry you were just a little annoyed. “You know Pea you're lucky your cute or else I would be super pissed right about now” he laughed lowly taking my hand to walk down to the field. You stayed at the field for a while just talking and having a good time. You had to admit it was nice being with him like this. This was your place you were the only two who knew about it and it was special. Whenever you were here with him it felt like nothing else mattered, and you had to admit holding onto him while riding a bike was a good feeling too. It was a few hours later and you both wanted to get home. He handed you your helmet as you guys got onto the bike. 

The drive home was good at first until you heard the rumble of thunder. It wasn’t supposed to rain today so you thought you would be okay but 5 mins into the ride home Pea had to pull over under a bridge because it was downpouring and hard to see. You were both soaked from head to toe. You stood there leaned against the bike pulling out your phone to look at the weather. You were pissed. “SEE PEA I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN’T HAVE GONE OUT. ITS GONNA BE RAINING LIKE THIS FOR ANOTHER HOUR... LOOK” as you put your phone to his face. “His eyed looked sad you knew he didn’t mean it he just wanted to spend time with you, but you had wished he just waited one day just one day. You stood there for another few mins before he even said anything. “Look Y/N I i’m sorry I just... We haven’t seen each other all week really aside from sleeping and I know how it is we can get caught up in the flow of the week with work, and school and on top of that the gang. I just... I wanted to spend time with you away from the trailer no distractions” you could see how sorry he was so you stood off the bike and went over to hug him grabbing his face in your hand “I know you are I just wish you would have waited till tomorrow cause we're going to be stuck here for a while” He laughed grabbing your hand dragging you to the end of the bridge about to pull you into the rain. You yanked back and he looked down at you. “come on we’re already wet, and if we are going to be here for a while we mine as well have fun. Come dance with me” Is he insane you thought to yourself who in their right mind would willingly go dance in the rain. “You are actually insane Pea if you think I am going to...” he didn't even let me finish he literally pulled me into the downpouring rain. “come on baby dance with me pleaseeeee” you shook your head while snaking your arms around his neck you danced around for a few minutes having a great time and went back under the bridge out of the rain. You two stood next to his bike, and he looked at you and frowned “I... I hope you're not mad. I’m sorry I ruined our Sunday I just I...” you stopped him and kissed him not letting him finish his sentence “i”m not mad at you pea I could never be You’re my one and only.” He hugged you tight “good. I'm glad baby. I don’t want to lose you. Now as for opening the bathroom door... is that still on the table?” you laughed smacking him in the chest “Your lucky its still raining and I'm gonna be cold when we get home... I think I'm gonna have to take a warm bath” The rain started to die down and he hopped on the bike handing you your helmet. “well then we should get home” you climbed on the bike and he sped off towards your trailer.

#sweet pea #sweetpea #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea x you #sweet pea reader insert #sweet pea stories #sweet pea story #sweet pea drabble #sweet pea reader #sweet pea request #sweet pea fluff #sweet pea angst #sweet pea fic #sweet pea blurb #riverdale #riverdale imagine #riverdale x reader #riverdale x you #riverdale reader insert #riverdale story

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

Skincare/ makeup culture ☕️

oooh. i’ll divide this post into two parts: makeup culture and skincare culture.

(1.) makeup culture.

i think everyone knows that I’ve never liked makeup, mostly because I had relatively bad cystic acne throughout high school, that reacted badly to all of the makeup that my sister used (but most particularly her l’oreal foundation). I think makeup culture is particularly harmful to young girls, like the makeup youtube channels that are run by the parents I suppose of 8 year olds, where the 8yo is the actual youtuber.

like don’t get me wrong, i know young girls like playing with makeup (I actually did when I was that age, funnily enough)….. but the fact that professional or just plain fucking ridiculously expensive makeup palettes are now being marketed to girls in bloody primary/grade/elementary school, is just fucking wrong. and yeah there’s the post on here about how some younger girls are finding themselves ugly when they don’t wear properly applied makeup or something like that. and that breaks my heart. why the fuck should a young girl be made to feel ugly if she can’t blend like josiemaycosmetics (I made that up btw idk any makeup channels besides Jeffree star, James Charles and that tatti woman tbh) and can’t afford the bullshit Too Faced $98 powered foundation, $65 Sunday Riley blush (I roughly remember the price of this particular blush bc my sister bought it for me for my 20th birthday so that I could according to her “look good for uni” but I never actually used it lmao… and it’s no longer sold here in australia) and Kylie Jenner’s overpriced lip kits and idk Smashbox “photo finish” primer priced between $AU23-$AU55????

like I had this bad enough in fucking HIGH SCHOOL with my sister telling me that I’d “never get a boyfriend” or “never get a date for the formal/junior prom” if I didn’t spend hundreds of $$$$ for a good face of makeup and didn’t spend hours and hours learning how to do my own makeup. or how last year for my uni grad, she made out that I’d ruin my own uni grad if we didn’t spend $250 on the makeup artist we got for me….. where I unfortunately found out that my skin reacts to MAC products 😭😨 bc the MUA used MAC concealer and foundation. my sister also expected me to remember the setting spray the woman used for my makeup, when I was there from like 4:30am till like 6:45am and i was barely fucking awake. the setting spray probably could’ve easily cost over $100. let’s be real here. like why am I expected to remember shit that early in the morning???

one of my least favourite things with makeup culture is that you’re not meant to fuck it up in any way, shape or form. like when my sister did my makeup for my two high school formals/proms (year 10 & year 12) she constantly told me not to scratch my face while she was doing it (but it made me itchy, hooray for L’Oréal being shit lmao)…. not to fuck it up while I ate at those events….. and she didn’t let me eat before my uni grad last year bc “you’d definitely fuck up your makeup. don’t you dare scratch your face at all today!” like for someone who has hypersensitive/highly reactive skin that she has to scratch when it’s itchy….. and also loves fucking stuffing her face with food….. expecting me to never touch/scratch my face and to practically starve myself to preserve the integrity of my makeup (that i ended up paying for some in the end anyway) for an event is fucking stupid and over-restrictive.

like i always hated the way that the kardashians ate on KUWTK bc it looked so fucking mechanical and whatever bc they had to obvs preserve their makeup while shooting and also look nice for the camera. like why the fuck am I expected to eat ~like that~ when I have a faceload of MU on???? FUCK OFF. I will scratch it off. I will smear the food all over my face (ok not really) and eat however I motherfucking want, thank you very fucking much. like for my uni grad last year I was up from 4am and my grad ended at like 12:30pm….. so I didn’t have food til about 12:35 when I left the hall. and the whole time while I was eating my sister kept reminding me to not fuck up my makeup that we’d spent $250 on. JUST LET ME FUCKING EAT WOMAN, I SWEAR TO FUCK. lmao.

the last thing I hate the most about makeup culture is that like….. I absolutely hate makeup like I said above….. but once I have it on I feel pretty and cry a bit bc I’ll just never learn to do it myself…. mostly bc I couldn’t be bothered…. bc I save hundreds, if not thousands of $$$$ from not buying all the bullshit essential items you need just for a ~basic no makeup, makeup look~, and bc my hands have never been steady enough to use some of the things, like false eyelashes and eyelash curlers or liquid eyeliner/normal eyeliner….. 

but yeah. I just hate that it makes me feel pretty???? but I also feel good and more natural without it???? and I’ll never like my sister’s comment that: “you’re the prettier one out of the two of us…. but if only you hurried up and learnt to do your makeup, you’d be even prettier” or some dumb semi-condescending shit comment she’s said to me like that before. like why is the only way a woman can be pretty (other than some clothes that make her feel good) by smearing 100s/1000s of dollars worth of makeup on???? like why the fuck am I expected to spend all that money when a good bulk of men will never bother with the male makeup trend anyway???? like why am I expected to act differently when I basically just have grown up face-paint on lmao???? I’ve never felt natural in makeup, I’ve always felt awkward and like…. not sound like an cringey edgelord emo kid…. but i never felt ~real~ wearing makeup lmao. just yeah.

but yeah I also understand makeup is an art and I appreciate that. makeup culture is so fucked on all sides for women.

(2.) skincare culture:

now skincare culture is different for me. considering that, like I said before, I had relatively bad cystic acne…. and I’ve since also developed eczema during the winter months….. so I’ve had to develop a good skincare routine over the years to keep my skin under control. but again, there are parts that I don’t like about skincare culture…. like women are typically meant to spend, again, hundreds and if not thousands of dollars on super expensive skin creams (some of which I’ve tried) to fix their fine lines, their laugh lines, their crows feet, their blemishes, their birth marks and cellulite…… the list truly goes on and on….. and on top of that (well this hellsite which isn’t entirely accurate) I’m, or we as women, are expected to teach all of that to men in their 20s???? like fuck off. why and how the fuck didn’t they get the fucking memo to look after their own goddamned skin???? like my 20s are already tiring enough, and now I gotta pass on important skincare advice to men, who could easily fucking find it themselves online???? lord help their asses lmao.

but other than the men bit…. yeah skincare culture is just as bad as makeup culture. like when Cosmo mag was still running in australia, more than half of the shit the women at Cosmo were advertising as part of their skincare routines were literally $300 night treatment creams or moisturisers; $150 facial cleansers; or $500 skin peels, or $600 appointments at dermatologists and skin therapies like electrolysis that I’ll probs never be able to afford. like one of the luxury brands that I LOVE (💖) is Mario badescu bc the two pimple treatments that i sometimes I use from them (the drying lotion and the anti-acne serum) are the ONLY two acne treatments that have NEVER made my face turn red and my skin peel off (besides a really good neutrogena one that Neutrogena discontinued 😭). every other chemist bought pimple treatment cream makes my skin peel off/itchy/turn red. but sadly the two Mario badescu treatments are priced over $50 if bought together (ones now $31 (formerly $28, this one’s great bc it dries clear), the other is like $26, this one dries pink). so the chemist bought ones like the ones by Clearasil or OXY10 are my saviours at $11.99-$12.99, even though they dry out my skin to buggery and leave big white marks on my face bc they both dry white lmao. but I’ve gotta suffer that for the price of beauty lmao.

also there’s expensive face washes (or skin care program packs etc) from Paula’s choice that I love.... but again they were like $35 for a 400ml bottle and $25 for a fucking 150ml or 250ml bottle. now the one i like is $20 for 177ml, which is a rip off. some of the other luxury things that I’ve tried (via free samples) that don’t work, like Kate Somerville (priced at like $65 and over), Philosophy and god knows what else that i’ve bought from Mecca Cosmetica, which is the Aussie version of Sephora in the past. and yes, for acne treatments, i’ve used pro-activ before. it was ok… but i never used it in high school, after the awful time we had trying to cancel our subscription to it back in the day for my sister lol.

also can we talk about the ultrasonic face brush systems that are still raging strongly??? like they’re also super rip offs, especially with buying replacement heads for $35 a pop. like I’ve had a Clarisonic for years (that I’ve stopped using, admittedly)…. the model was roughly $250 when I got it for my like 19th birthday. now they’re even more expensive at like $315 for the latest “clarisonic mia fit cleansing system” which is linked on the $315. or now there’s the foreo that costs anywhere between $75 (the cheapest model) to fucking almost $400… ie $395. the replacement heads for the clarisonic and i suppose replacement like pads or something for the foreo are meant to be replaced every three months “for optimum cleansing” or whatever. like $35 every three months is a lot to maintain after a while. also using the clarisonic added like 10 extra minutes to my showers/general skincare routine bc you’re meant to use it for five mins or whatever and then spend another 5mins washing it out to make sure that it doesn’t collect mould and buildup too much soap residue. it was just a lot of effort to use, even if it did make me feel like i had a better and deeper face washing routine.

and yes, i know there’s Lush. both my sister and i (but more my sister) were obsessed with Lush back in high school, after one of our sydney cousins introduced it to us. but Lush’s skincare stuff for pimples just never worked for us. it made me breakout more, actually. but their old apple pie and choc-orange lip balms were the BOMB. it’s a pity that they no longer make them tbh. their jelly soaps were fun to use and smelt nice too. i can’t remember much else about lush tbh lmao.

for face masks, i’ve found that store/chemist bought formula 10.0.06 or whatever works the best for my skin. but the push, especially again in cosmo and other places, to buy more expensive face-masks and like designer FMs that you should really ask a professional to use first imo, is fucking harmful, especially when you’ve got ones that take off the whole top layer of skin from your face (like the famous and the overly popular charcoal face peel masks), or so i’ve read. like it’s yikes out there. please be safe with these masks, ya’ll. and the same goes for making your own organic face masks, considering that i’ve seen posts on here about using lemon juice which is bad for your skin??? idk anyway. i also hate how with the face masks i buy, there’s about 6 different “skin-illuminating”/“skin brightening”/”skin detoxing” etc masks, that all essentially do the same fucking thing. just keep it at one and fucking go; for gods fucking sake lmao.

but yeah, skincare culture does suck just as much as makeup culture, considering that is heavily focused on women’s self-esteem and wallets…. and barely ever focuses on men. like it’s a double-edged sword tbh.

also as side notes: why the actual fuck are makeup companies still giving their makeup shades or makeup lines sexual names???? like i just found a fucking blush shade by NARS, in my research for this post, called “Orgasm”???? like what the FUCK is wrong with ya’ll??? like y’all actually have the fucking AUDACITY to really make 8 year olds say that in their makeup tutorial videos as well??? “our best selling orgasm collection” sweet lord. that sounds bad. y’all need to sort your shit out, and so do the people who name nail polish shades.. 

the other worrying general beauty trends that i keep getting on my facebook newsfeed are the teeth whitening systems like hismile and at home laser treatment machines… and then also the charcoal toothpastes to whiten your teeth. oh and also the facial skin “vacuums”, that suck out dirt/oil and your blackheads/pimples etc from your pores. stay safe out there everyone, and do your bloody research. don’t believe the reviews and the hype.

also finally: take your skin type and skin condition/(s) into account if you want to use any of the things that I’ve mentioned that I use/have used on this post. or that I’ve just generally mentioned, like the Clarisonic and the foreo. because what works for me, might not work for you. I’m not a skincare expert or dermatologist. check with your doctor or a skincare professional or whatever before you start using some of these things, even if you might think that it’s stupid & pointless to do so.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ask game thing #anon ask #answered anon ask #anon #answered anon #anonymous

[thegazeofanna]

TBH the journey Ive been on in the past year is fucking amazing. I’m always so hard on myself and today my therapist reminded me how crazy and incredible my journey has been. It literally could have gone either way (she said this herself, she basically thought I was done for and would be a back and forth, revolving door client) and I chose and fought to make my life turn around. 2015 basically kicked out of uni bc too unwell, august-dec in intense IP, december on holiday, january-april 2 hospital admissions, 2 IP admission and I was constantly being sent to the hospital while IP bc my heart was so shit. BUT THEN I JUST DID IT. i changed my mind, I fought for my life, i started working with my team instead of against them (they treat you so much better this way btw- 2 staff members cried at my progress when I left and couldn’t stop praising me, before in my old admissions it wasnt like that AT ALL).  I still struggle everyday, every hour even but I just frikkin did it!!! zero hospital admissions since, zero serious threats since, full trust from my team......God its been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it still is, I cry every week at therapy, I think about food and disordered shit most minutes of each day, I hate my body always, but this is NO EXCUSE!!! I feel out of control and horrible, BUT there are some good moments and they are what is worth it, i’m living my life, living independently, dancing all day and not dying, i’m able to be spontaneous and can do whatever I want, i’ll be moving internationally soon and i’m confident that ill lit be FINE and THRIVE!!! You have to do it even when you feel shit, THATS WHAT RECOVERY IS!!!! JUST BC YOU CHOSE RECOVERY MENTALLY DOESNT MEAN ITS EASY BC TBH THE NEXT DAY YOULL COME DOWN FROM THAT MOTIVATIONAL HIGH AND UR HEAD WILL BE LIKE “YEAH NAH”.  recovery isn’t all fear food fridays, acai bowls, a eating freely, NO NO NO its crying through your meals yet still finishing bc you have goals, its being fucking honest with yourself and not skimping shit out of ur meal plan bc it only affects you and it changes NOTHING, its seeing the oppourtunity to hide food and not take it bc YOU HAVE FKN GOALS!!!! THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND YOU STARVING YOURSELF or overworking yourself or WHATEVER is ONLY AFFECTING U!!!!!! IT DOESNT CHANGE YOUR SITUATION, IT DOESNT REALLY MAKE ANYONE CARE FOR YOU ANY MORE THAN THEY DO ALREADY, IT DOESNT TAKE THE STRESS OR WORRY AWAY, it just puts it on hold, it puts your life on hold. 

half the time we starve ourself (OR WHATEVER) in an attempt to hurt someone else and it DOESNT WORK LIKE THAT!!! yes maybe you are getting more cared for on the surface but its all pity and its not that deep seeded nurturing you need and thats terrible, but you need to grieve and mourn for that nurturing and then BUCK UP AND WORK FOR YOUR GOALS! BC ITS SO WORTH IT HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT.  and please please please just keep going. Its been a year for me and I still struggle DAILY but that doesn’t mean i should give up, bc i’m closer than I ever was and even if it takes me 5+ more years fowards is the only way to go. This is such a rant hahhahahahah soz it prob doesnt make sense.

#ed recovery #eating disorder #recovery #work hard #its gonna be ok

[heyitsnikki]

SIQUIJOR TRIP 2K17

Okay, so this is my first write up for 2017, please bare with me, I haven’t been writing for a looonnnggg time. Okay?? ;D

I actually don’t know where to start. lol

Okay.. Okay..

Just last week, me and two of my friends (Marc & Bien) decided to go out of town and chose to visit the Echanting Siquijor. It’s our first time going there so we basically did some research and asked Mr. Google everything we need to know before leaving. So, the first thing we did was to book a room. Since, were not familiar of the place and we don’t know anybody living in Siquijor or knew anyone who just went there (to get us ideas), we decided it would be the safest thing to do. I’ve searched online for cheap guesthouse or homestay, we don’t really need a fancy one since were gonna be mostly out for the whole day, so we just wanted a clean & decent place to put our stuff on and have a good rest during the night. 

I booked a 3D2N stay at DASTRAUM GUESTHOUSE via booking.com. It is located at Siquijor, Siquijor and just 2 kms away from the Siquijor port. We booked a non-ac room for our first day since ac rooms were already fully booked on the day we arrived. The room was quiet enough for us 3 with own CR, tv & a fan (though its really not warm in there during the night), it has a King sized bed (we didn’t asked for an extra bed since there’s no more space to put it in.. and the bed is big enough for the three of us too). We then transferred to an AC room the next day, bigger room, queen sized bed & two extra beds (a double deck & a single bed) - the room is good for 4-5pax, with own CR & a sofa. I can say the place is affordable, we spent less than Php 1,500 for our 3N stay, we split in by 3 and yeah it’s a pretty good deal. ;D

DEPARTURE DAY

I rode an Uber from my house (Pusok, LLC) going to the South Bus Terminal. Our call time is 8am. I woke up late :D I just got home from a whole day tour at Bantayan Island (I’ll write about it later..)  I paid the ride for Php 159.00 plus Php 10.00 for the terminal fee if you wanted to be dropped off inside the terminal. Luckily, my friends were already on the bus waiting for me & saved me a seat. hehe :D We took the Ceres AC bus going to Santander via Liloan Port, just in time of my arrival, the bus took off #luckygirl :) We paid Php 200.00/pax for bus ride ride and dropped off at Liloan Port. The bus ride is around 3hours but really felt forever. haha! We arrived at the Port and took a fast craft going to Sibulan Port in Dumaguete. I think we paid around Php 70.00/pax for the boat. It just took around 30mins to arrive at Sibulan Port. We then took a multicab going to the city proper to ride a tricycle going to the Dumaguete Port. We paid Php 10.00/pax for the multicab & Php 8.00/pax for the tricycle. It was just a short ride, maybe less than 25mins. We then arrived at the Dumaguete Port, paid Php 150.00/pax for the fast craft going to Siquijor. Their port was really nice and big (better than Cebu Port, no offense), we paid for the terminal fee around Php 30.00/pax (Sorry I forgot, but I’m sure less than Php 50.00). We had our lunch inside the port, they have food stalls inside with combo meals & coffee fraps :) We then took the boat ride for an hour and finally arrived at Siquijor at almost 6pm. THE SUNSET IS AMAZING!!!!! You can check my IG photos for proof lol. We took a tric going to our hotel, paid Php 10.00/pax. Beware for abusive tric drivers who asked for a bigger fare. 

We arrived at the hotel, checked-in, get settled then head out for dinner. Since  the hotel has no restaurant, we need to head out to look for a place to eat. It was only about 7-7:30pm and it was literally nobody on the road, no trics, no street lights, even the houses are lights off. We are all starving so we don’t have a choice but walk. It was indeed an interesting walk. We passed by a local hospital with the morgue located just in front of the road :D As I’ve said, no street lights, only using our phone flash lights. Its very quiet, not even a sound of a tv on the houses that we’ve passed by. I wasn’t scared at all, I just walked in between Marc & Bien with their arms tied to mine, not looking back and singing a Shine Jesus Shine song. Yeah, not scared at all. LOL

We finally found a small carenderia few walks away from the very creepy hospital, perfect for a horror movie, no offense. Our belly's are finally full. We are the last costumers btw, they closed up the store halfway on our meal. haha Anyways, still creeped out from our night walk, we decided not to go back on our way but walked straight ahead going to the city proper (near the port) to find another place to hangout and have a few drinks before snoozing. We found this fancy restaurant just near the Church called BELL VIEW. They have a bar & a wine cellar but doesn’t have a drink menu or a bartender. They only sell bottles, they don’t make drinks. So, we just had Mudshake Vodka single bottles for Php 100 each. Cheers!! We decided to head back to our hotel around 8:30-9pm and luckily found a tric on standby near the port (We don’t really wanna walk back in there, not at this hour, no offense haha). Arrived at our hotel, cleaned-up & snoozed. Lesson learned: Always get back to your hotel before 8pm or else you’ll walk on your way there.

DAY 2: Whole day ISLAND TOUR

We met our driver/tour guide, kuya Reycard (people calls him Richard, easier to remember then Reycard) on the port from our arrival yesterday. We booked him for our tour today using his tricycle for Php 1,000 for whole trip not including food & entrance fees though. We split it up to 3 so it’s a pretty good deal. The more the cheaper. Anyway, I would not discuss further about the tour coz it would take me forever. All I can say is that we LITERALLY CIRCLED AROUND THE PROVINCE. It was amazing!!!! Tiring but so worth it! I’ve never expected siquijor to be that beautiful. And I’ve noticed, most of the visitors were Europeans, Chinese & South Americans (Latin people), haven’t really seen an English Speaking foreigners in there. Anyway, we got back to our hotel past 6pm, too tired but hungry, so we washed up & head out to the Boulevard to have skewers for dinner. We walked on our way out & luckily found a tric, few meters from our hotel. We ate our dinner fast, left the boulevard before 9pm, started to walk and look for a tric, failed, walked again, finally found one, got home around 10pm. I think it would be better to rent a motorbike since tric isn’t really readily available during night time. They let you rent it for Php 200/day. Just ask anyone, everybody lets you rent their motorbikes.

DAY 3 - Dumaguete Stop before heading back to Cebu

Woke up around 8am, just had bread and coffee for breakfast, checked out and head off to the port. Took the 10am boat and arrived to Dumaguete around 11am. Had a sumptuous lunch at Lantaw Dumaguete and bought the famous Silvanas at Sans Rival for pasalubong. We then took the 4:30pm Ceres AC bus ride going to Cebu via Santander. Paid Php 170.00/pax for the bus and Php 25.00/pax for the port & another Php 70.00/pax for the roro.

It was a looonnggg & rainy 4 hour bus ride from Santander to the South Bus Terminal (Cebu City). 

Arrived to Lapu-Lapu City at around 9pm.

Photos of our trip is on my FB account as well as on my IG account.

#siquijor #the_ph #philippines #itsmorefuninthephilippines #pilipinas #ph #visitphilippines #2017 #wowphilippines #asia #travel #travelblog #blog #thebisayavagabond #nikkielbanz

[ohh-kaye]

2020 Resolutions

oh god this year was a disaster

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fuck this. let’s just go through my failures this year bc tbh i haven’t looked at this since i posted it and i’m positive that i didn’t actively attempt to achieve whatever’s on here.

1. Keep reading! (YES)

THANK GOD. Here’s my Goodreads 2019 Reading Challenge for you.

I’m writing this post in advance and it’ll be up on the 31st. I’m reading A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin right now and I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it and therefore read 22 books this year (I hope I do though). I’m glad I read this much but also disappointed. Glad because I read 17 last year and disappointed because I read 22 2 years ago and that was during the hectic year of nursing school.

21 is not bad though. The Lord of the Rings set me back because it took me almost 3 months. Was it worth it??? yes. pls go read it. it’s great.

2. 200 stars on Duolingo? (EH?)

Duolingo had an update this year and they’ve replaced the stars with crowns so I don’t know what to make of this. Are they equivalent values? I don’t know because I have 188 for German, 167 for Spanish, and 134 for French. So are these equivalent to stars??? I don’t know.

I did write on my note about this from last year that i don’t think I’ll make it past a 200-day streak and look here bby

so maybe I should’ve trusted myself more and actually put “Maintain streak for a year” like I should have.

3. Collect puzzles. (YES)

I’ve finally bought a 4x4 and a 5x5 and I bought more tangles this year and I bought a little metal wire connect puzzle. I’ve been meaning to buy more but I can’t afford them bc I’m unemployed woohoooooooo. Everytime I go to op shops, I immediately go to the kids/ toy section first to look for puzzles because that’s where the gold mine is most of the time.

4. Prepare for the GAMSAT. (YES)

No excuses. I’ve been studying daily since August for the March 2020 sitting. I’ve also been recording a weekly update of my study experience which I’ll collate, edit, and upload when I do get into Medicine because there’s no point in doing a full weekly study vlog if I don’t get in. I’m sparing myself from embarrassment and saving the experience of recapping this adventure when (if?) I do get accepted.

*fingers crossed*

5. Watch more musicals! (NO)

This is sad. I did go to Aladdin and Book of Mormon because I bought those tickets last year but those are the only musicals I saw this year. I couldn’t afford to go see any shows even though I really wanted to. You don’t realise how many times I’ve frequented the Adelaide Theatre Guide website just to browse through any shows that were running. I was going to go see Les Mis, Miss Saigon, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, West Side Story, and so many other shows but I passed because I couldn’t justify the purchase because I didn’t have a steady income. Yeah, I could’ve watched as many shows as I could but also... couldn’t.

6. Travel. (NO)

I’ve decided that travelling sucks and I’d rather be home.

7. Therapy. (NO)

I don’t know why kid myself with this. I can’t afford therapy. BUT! I feel like this gap year from work has helped a lot. I’ve been non-stop working since I arrived in Australia and by the end of last year, I was exhausted. This year off was so relieving because I finally had a chance to breathe. I’m still not the best, mentally, but I’m energised and looking forward to opportunities now whereas last year, I would’ve told you that I will kill myself. I still have not-so-very-nice thoughts and they’re few and far between these days but oooo boi when they’re there, I’m ready to go. I’ll tap out. Not thinking so much helps so maybe we’ll keep trying this next year.

3 - YES

3 - NO

1 - EH????

Not bad. Half and half and one outlier. I honestly thought I’d fail miserably. The ones that got no with, I’m surprisingly not too devastated by.

Moving on to 2020 resolutionsssss.

I’m thinking of this on the fly because I’ve yet to prepare anything.

Maybe we’ll keep it achievable?

1. KEEP YOUR FRICKING NURSING JOB THIS TIME!

I wrote a post earlier this year about losing my grad job. I was conflicted with my feelings. I’ve always hated nursing and I still do. When I got that first job, I was horrified because I knew I didn’t want it because I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore. I’ve mentioned this several times on here about my feelings for this profession and they haven’t changed. If God chose to listen to me this time, he went all out and took away what I hated the most. That was really extra for Him to do but thanks I guess. The thing is, I HAVE to be a nurse now. Not because I want to but because I can’t be unemployed forever while I wait for Medicine to turn out. I’m never going anywhere with just staying at home and feeding off of the limited resources we have as a family. No bullshitting this time. We have to do a good job now. I’m ready.

2. Read. read. read.

I’m putting this in every year. My Reading Challenge goes up by 1 book a year so we’re at 15 books for 2020. I’m worried about this because I have job now so I’m going to be okay if we at least complete it. I won’t be aiming for 20+ next year. It’ll be great but I’ll but myself some slack.

3. Buy a car.

Honeeeeey. We’re putting this on here. Let’s be crazy and put this on here.

I hate driving but also owning a car is another step in independence. I need this. I really do.

4. Pass the GAMSAT.

I’m expecting a lot from myself with this. If I’m being truthful here, I don’t think I’ll pass the March 2020. I hope I do. Flinders Uni consider 50 scores for all sections and I’m holding out on hope that I get the bare minimum. I’m working hard and I hope it goes well.

Optimism is not good for me because I’m setting myself up for disappointment.

I know I won’t get it thought. Is it still optimism if I optimistic about not passing?

Seriously though, I’m willing to take the September test if that’s what it takes. However long it takes Medicine. I will get you.

5. Be acne-free???

I went to the doctor this year. He’s so fucking hot btw. HAHAHAHAHAHAH no srsly he is. He put me on antibiotics which I’m finishing the last round of before I go on to just using spot cream. Then if that goes well, I go back next month and he’s thinking of putting me on Accutane. I’m acne-free with the antibiotics but as all health professionals know, we can’t be on this forever. It’s not good for me goddammit. So I saw Accutane coming. But if he decides to go through with it, I know my face will light up like a Christmas tree before everything gets better. But I have a job now that requires me looking at people and people that have eyes and can see me and can see that my face is cystic for 6-8 weeks (?) before it gets better and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i’m scared.

I just want clear skin boiii. Adult acne sucks.

6. HAVE A HEALTHY BMI.

I’m going through an emotional time as I type this. I’ve been pretty good with food this year. I haven’t weighed myself because I thought that I didn’t need anymore and that I was somewhat satisfied with where I am right now. But now, I’m worried that the thoughts are coming back.

This whole eating problem has been brewing since I was 10 and would show itself by me being terrified of weighing myself or seeing how much I weigh. THIS particular thought is scary to me these days because I know that this is how it presents itself and it’s back. And I feel uneasy and insecure again.

I feel a strong urge to start starving myself again and I thought I was done with this.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

this really sucks man.

This morning I literally put WEIGH SCALE on my fucking to buy list because I was conjuring up scenarios in my head where I’m weighing myself in secret every morning.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

So let’s frame this in a healthier mindset. I want a Healthy BMI. NOT BORDERLINE HEALTHY (which was where I was when I stopped starving myself the last time this happened) BUT ACTUALLY HEALTHY. And not through the lens of insecurity this time.

Please be good to yourself this year.

7. SEE KATYA AND TRIXIE LIVE!!!

Let’s end on a less crazy way.

YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE THIS YEAR AND HUG THEM AND TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT THEY’VE MADE YOU SMILE AND LAUGH AND BE SO FUCKING HAPPY THROUGH ROUGH PATCHES. YOU WILL TELL THEM THIS BECAUSE YOU WILL DEFINITELY MEET THEM. YOU MUST. YOUR FIRST PURCHASE WITH YOUR FIRST PAYSLIP IS THE MEET AND GREET TICKET TO SEE THEM. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE. I REPEAT. YOU WILL MEET KATYA AND TRIXIE.

Final notes as we put this year to a close.

2019 was a challenge and there were some trying times in there. I spent January waiting to start my job and relaxing as much as I could to prepare myself for it. Come February and all of that went away and I lost my job. We went to Sydney during the same month (which the vlog has yet to be edited). March and April were spent studying for the PTE and I aced that shit. May was sad. June through to July was spent moving houses. August (to present day) was spent fixing the new house and attempting to make it somehow presentable AND MY GAMSAT REVIEW BEGAN. The end of September through to the beginning of October, I did a Hospitality course and met Complex and I found out that I got offered the same job I lost for next year. November was nothing special. And here we are right now. December. 

I’m feeling anxious but hopeful and I’m trying not to think about things too much because I get overwhelmed and it leads nowhere.

I just want things to start getting better so that I start feeling okay.

Maybe 2020 will turn out to be that way.

:)