#brainfogged to figure out anything else so here

[slashmagpie]

“Pearl? Why are you in my house?” 

Pearl blinks up at Bdubs from where she’s sandwiched between the wall and the waterstream, curled up on herself in the narrow space. “Somebody destroyed all the lights in my base and now it’s full of mobs,” she says bitterly.

“It wasn’t me!” Bdubs cries, raising his hands.

“Well, I didn’t think it was you, but the way you just said that’s making me think—”

“No! I’d never! I swear!”

“...I believe you,” she says after a moment, and Bdubs feels himself relax. “Can I stay with you tonight? I don’t really feel like…” She gestures in the direction of her house.

Bdubs nods. “Oh, sure, for sure,” he says. Then, “Should we invite Joel over? His house got blown up too.”

“Ah, yeah, probably. Good idea, Bdubs.” She fumbles in her pocket for her communicator, eventually fishing it out. The screen is cracked. Her fingers shake as they tap against the glass. 

“Are you okay there, Pearl? You look a little…” Bdubs forces his hands to tremble. 

She glances up at him, face scrunching in confusion, before she lets out a small laugh. “Just the adrenaline, y’know.” She grins. “I’m red. It’s great.” 

“If it was anyone else, I’d think they were being sarcastic. But with you! With you, I’m pretty sure you’re being serious!”

She giggles, hitting send on the message and shoving her communicator away. Bdubs doesn’t feel his own buzz; it must have been a whisper. “You know,” she says after a moment, “I’m a little surprised.”

Bdubs blinks. “Surprised about what?”

“That there’s still three of us.” 

He laughs. “Yeah, I’m a little surprised, too! I thought for sure Joel would die today. For sure.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“Oh, no, never. But between you and me… that guy’s kind of a loose canon!” 

She snorts. “Throwing stones from glass houses, there, Bdubs?”

“Surely I don’t know what you mean.”

“Mhm.” She pauses, eyes glancing down to where her fingers pick at a stray thread on her hoodie sleeve. “That’s kinda what I mean, though. Joel doesn’t live here, and you’re making friends with half the server, I’m surprised I’m not spending tonight alone.”

“Pearl…”

“What?” She snorts. “I know how these games go, Bdubs. People don’t stay loyal. Not for long, anyway.” She glances up at him, eyes half obscured by her hair. “People like Joel, people like you? I know how this ends.”

And Bdubs—

Well, he can’t pretend he doesn’t know what she means. Can’t pretend he doesn’t remember Impulse yelling as Bdubs’ arrow had found home in his throat. Can’t pretend he doesn’t remember Etho backing away when Bdubs had tried to get just a little too close. Can’t pretend he didn’t fight when he promised he’d run. Can’t pretend he hadn’t taken advantage of his broken home. 

…He can’t pretend he doesn’t remember telling Martyn about their plans, or planning to do harm to Etho. Can’t pretend he doesn’t cross his fingers behind his back every time he makes a promise, just in case.

But at the same time, he remembers—searching for Cleo in a castle she’d been too dead to return to, pushing Lizzie to her death for a life he’d never received, taking two hands in his own and vowing to face the end as four instead of two, for once, for once in his life, choosing three and being pulled apart because of it—

Bdubs lets out a breath. “Pearl, hey, no,” he says. “I told you, didn’t I? I’m your weapon.” He gets down to his knees, lowers his head before her, feels her gaze burn into the top of his head.

“Bit late for that,” she says. “I’m my own weapon now, mate. Don’t need you to attack for me anymore.”

“Well, no—but—” He looks up at her. “Pearl. I’m yours. I promise.”

“Right. And you’re Martyn and Etho’s too, huh? We can share.”

“I’m using Martyn!” he protests. “That’s—that’s all it is—I’m usin’ him because he’s the first red and he knows his stuff! And Etho—”

“I don’t mind about Etho,” Pearl interrupts. “Like I said, I know you guys have your little thing going on. I don’t care about that.”

“I set a trap in his base,” Bdubs blurts.

Pearl blinks at him. “Excuse me?”

“I set a trap in his base. Tripwire hook.” He grins. “Right outside the bedroom. I—I think I got Grian, in the end? But—could have been Etho. I coulda—could’ve been Etho.” He swallows.

“And you’d have been okay with that?” Pearl asks, smile gone from her face, expression suddenly very serious.

“I—after I set it, I went up to them. Had a chat. Lied the whole time. I coulda—coulda told him. I didn’t.” 

“And you’re okay with that?” she stresses.

She sounds dubious. Bdubs can’t blame her. He feels sick, swallowing back the bile that’s building in his throat.

“I—Pearl.”

“Bdubs?”

“I learned my lesson, Pearl. I learned—don’t put all your eggs in one basket! Because—because either they die, and then you get left alone, or—or it gets you killed, and you die. You gotta—I have two hands. I can be loyal to multiple people. But then I learned—when you do that? People aren’t loyal back. They don’t trust you anymore. Nobody else…” He laughs. “I feel like I’m the only one who can trust people like that anymore!”

“So…” She frowns. “So you’re making friends with everyone so you don’t get betrayed or left alone?”

“Exactly.” 

“And you know none of us are gonna trust you for doing that.”

He swallows again. “Yeah, I know.”

“And you’re doing it anyway?”

“Well, what else—what else am I supposed to do? I can’t… I can’t go back, Pearl. That’s… I can’t go back. You know how it is.”

“…Yeah,” she says quietly. “I’m—I want you to win, Bdubs,” she says. “Out of everyone—I want it to be you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So… You better not make me regret this.”

He blinks at her. “Regret what?”

She bows her head to him. “I’m your weapon,” she says, an echo of his earlier words. “And a bit more of a dangerous one at that.” Her smirk leaks back into her words as she glances up and winks at him. “So use me well, alright, Bdubs? I want you to win this.”

Bdubs’ heart is in his throat. He swallows it back down. It burns.

“I’ll do my best,” he promises. 

The door slams open, startling them both out of their skin.

“Hey guys—uh. What are you doing?”

“Oh, for—Judas Priest, Joel, learn to knock!”

“You invited me over! Or, Pearl did—hey Pearl.”

“Hey,” Pearl says. “Come on in! Sleepover at Bdubs’ time.”

“I can’t believe this is the last of our bases left standing. It’s, like, the worst one.”

“Hey!” 

“There’s no space in here!” To punctuate his statement, Joel slumps down against one wall, kicking Bdubs in the ribs as he does so. Bdubs grunts. “See?”

“It’s definitely not the most spacious…” Pearl acquiesces.

“Anyway. What were you guys doing before I came in?”

“Swearing loyalty,” Bdubs says. 

“Oh.” Joel blinks. “Do you need me to do that? Because I’m a Mounder for life. Loyal to the end.”

Bdubs and Pearl glance at each other.

“Somehow I actually believe him,” Bdubs stage-whispers, and Joel squawks in offence as Pearl barks out a laugh.

“No, I think you’re good,” she says. Leaning her head back against the wall, she says, “This is probably our final night.”

The three of them are quiet for a moment.

“Well,” says Joel. “We gotta make it to the end then, don’t we?”

He’s looking at Bdubs. They’re both looking at Bdubs. 

Bdubs nods.

“May the best Mounder win,” he says solemnly.

Joel grins.

#secret life #spoilers #fanfiction #i am late on the post-session ficlet this week since i wasn't able to watch until today but here it is! #this isn't quite what i wanted it to be i was struggling a Lot with this one #idk. i really liked pearl and bdubs' little arc this session. #and there's definitely like 5 other angles i could have come at this from but this is the one that ended up on the page and i'm too #brainfogged to figure out anything else so here #anyway. do you guys ever think about how dog-coded the mounders are. #two feral former lone wolves and a sad-eyed shelter dog. or something. #magpie feather quill

[fangirltothefullest]

It's time to fix Logan's Scheduling Problems(TM)

@ironwoman359 had a really good post and it inspired this one because I could not stop breaking down Logan's priorities chart. I have boarded the hyperfixation express and taken it all the way down to the dreaded mathville just to think about graphs and charts. Oh dear. This is so unlike me. But the chart is so funny and they actually took a decent amount of time to think through the amounts of time spent on each task, allowing us to break down the original schedule before it was "fixed" to adjust for Roman.

So buckle up because I have double checked the math but I am very adhd and often quite a bit stupid from stress related brainfog so who fuckin knows if this is accurate.

LET'S GOOOOOOO

This is Logan's original proposed schedule which I borrowed from @ironwoman359's post:

We can see it's a nice chart, lovely and hand made which I greatly enjoy. And luckily we have numbers to work with so we can figure out exactly how much time is alotted to what based on the percentages in a 24 hour day.

And oh guess what! They're ridiculous numbers designed specifiily to allow that 0.5% for Dreams but I'll get to that in a moment.

If you're anything like me, (quite a but math stupid) those percentages don't really give enough info on how long they're actually taking for each just by looking at it. So here's the breakdown in hours because finding out how many hours each thing accounts for should give us an idea of Logan's priorities.

40% - Work (9.6 hours - oof)

33% ‐ Sleep (7.92 hours)

12.5% - Eat (3 hours)

8% - Exercize (1.92 hours)

4% ‐ General Hygene (57.6 minutes)

2% - Dental Hygene (28.8 minutes - mega oof)

0.5% - Dreams (7.2 minutes - fuckin ouch)

As we can see, Logan's chart is heavily skewed to work, sleep and eating. But these numbers are still potentially hard to understand. "Why does it say 57.6 minutes?" You might be asking. So we will round those numbers to a more understandable range because ideally we are trying to add up to 24 hours:

Work: 10

Sleep: 8 hours

Eat: 3 hours

Exercize: 2 hours

Gen. Hygene: 1 hour

Dental Hygene: 30 minutes (seriously, oof)

At this point when we round, that is 24.5 hours which already goes over so we are obligated to round one down instead of up for the sake of the 24 hours- we will round work to 9 hours 30 minutes instead of ten hours and this still leaves no room for dreams or recreation of any kind at all. We can assume this was the ORIGINAL proposed schedule before the changes. That's why he's got such weirdly specific numbers. He's alotted time specifically for dreams by taking minutes from everything except eating and work, leaving only 7-ish minutes.

Which is bullshit so let's break this down in each one to validate each choice's logic:

Work: 9 and a half hours

This is way too much. Therefore, we will snag an hour and put it aside for later and snag that other 30 minutes for breaks.

Conckusion- 8 hours for work and 30 minutes for breaks.

Number of time saved: 1 hour

Sleep: 8 hours

The recommended amount of time, we will not touch this number.

Number of time saved: N/A

Eat: 3 hours

1 hour per meal and since c!Thomas canonically rarely cooks, it is an ample amount of time to heat up something quick and enjoy the meal. We can count this number as untouchable as well.

Number of time saved: N/A

Exercise: 2 hours

This is our second potentially flexible number. It's recommended 30 minutes every day to be healthy, not two full hours so there is a potential hour and a half that could be taken here for something else. This is important.

Number of time saved: 1 hour and 30 minutes

Gen. Hygene: 1 hour

This accounts for shower time and presentability time, IE hair brushing and clothes. This is a decent amount of time and could leave room for flexibility as not everyone needs an hour, however we will leave this time to itself.

Number of time saved: N/A

Dental hygene: 30 minutes

Oh boy what the actual fuck Logan. The American Dental Association says the recommended amount of time for brushing yoir teeth is 2 minutes 2 times a day. That's 4 minutes, not 30. Then it's plus 1 minute for wetting the toothbrush and applying toothpaste, and another 2 minutes of wiggle room for a once a day flossing. Plus another minute or whatever for mouthwash or something else.

Conclusion- We will generously round this number to 10 minutes for dental hygene.

Number of time saved: 20 minutes.

That brings us to a total of 2 hours and 50 minutes for literally everything else and this is a good number. Thats almost 3 hours worth of time we can be slotting to dreams and leisure acrivities and also socializing!

So now we have it folks, we have a better understanding of why the schedule is fucked and how we can fix it to satisfy much more with this improved breakdown:

Work: 8 hours (fixed)

Sleep: 8 hours (fixed)

Breaks: 30 minutes (fixed)

Eating: 3 hours (fixed)

Exercise: 30 minutes (fixed)

General hygene: 1 hour (fixed)

Dental hygene: 10 minutes (fixed)

Dreams: 50 minutes (flexible)

Liesure: 1 hour (flexible)

Social: 1 hour (flexible)

Logan hire me to fix your schedule sir

#sanders sides

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

pairing: toxic!bakugo x gn!reader

format: headcanon to fic

word count: 1.7k words

warnings: toxic bakugo, mentions of abuse, swearing, cheating, and a whole lotta angst and screaming and heartbreak </3

a/n: ay!! in no way shape or form do i think bakugou would actually be toxic. i love bakugou sm, i just wrote this for the sake of writing. || HAVE FUN BUCKLE UP KIDS, and if you enjoyed, please reblog to support <3

“I HATE YOU, KATSUKI BAKUGO.” 

“But you couldn’t help but feel selfish at the thought that... while he was going off saving everyone else, you were the one who needed saving.”

fights with bakugo weren’t uncommon, but when you snapped back that was when things got rough

it began when he was getting ready to train like he always did-- waking up early in the morning and not coming back until dinner time

you knew that his hero work was pretty draining most of the time, so you let it slide. being a pro-hero was no easy feat, so you understood where he was coming from if he ever snapped 

but on the days where he was free, all you wanted was a little extra time with him.

“hey ‘suki,” you said quietly as you ruffled his hair. “how was your day, love?”

but today hadn’t been a good day for him, and he just wanted to be left alone

he was slumping on the couch, watching tv as he simply nodded in reply

“good.”

you couldn’t help but feel a pang of disappointment with his apathetic reply. was he serious? all you wanted was to spend some quality time with him, and that was the best he could do?

“hey, uh, it’s break! how about we go outside, hmm? there was this really good takoyaki place-”

“god, do you ever shut up?” he said, his head whipping around as he got up to face you eye-to-eye

“oh,” you muttered quietly. “uh... sorry.”

you were never really one to snap-- especially since you knew if you got frustrated back, it would just cause more trouble. instead, you sighed and walked away

“but... would it be okay? maybe next time?”

“yeah, whatever.” bakugo snapped.

[ FIC BELOW THE CUT ]

A “next time” never came. Not even for a single second. He was always busy, or always tired, but no matter what, he always responded with “not in the mood,” or something along the lines of that.

But this week in particular? It wasn’t going well for you.

While he worked hard in hero training, you constantly pushed through every single day with assignment upon assignment, memorizing formulas and trying to figure out equations. You worked diligently at home throughout the day, only to see in big, red blocks, “LATE” once more. 

You looked at yourself, disappointed. There was constant brainfog going around in your head, nothing was clear anymore, and all you wanted was to go nowhere and everywhere at the same time.

Why couldn’t you get any of this right? What was wrong with you?

Doing what once Bakugo promised you to do, you pulled out your phone and texted him, remembering his words when you two first got together:

“I’ll always be here for you.”

You: Bby, what time are you coming home today? I miss you 🥺

You waited a few minutes. You knew that he was probably on another chase, running and saving the day once more. 

But you couldn’t help but feel selfish at the thought that... while he was going off saving everyone else, you were the one who needed saving. You felt selfish and clingy for missing the days when things were easier in highschool-- TV-dinner dates, walks around the park, snuggling late into the night. Sure, you knew his job was important. He was going around rescuing hundreds of people every day, constantly working and running-- so why was it so hard for you to understand?

What’s wrong with me? 

“Unless...” you muttered to yourself. “Is it normal? Is a relationship like this normal? It is, right? I still get to see him, so that’s a plus. Well, sometimes. Kind of. I get to see him on weekends if he isn’t planning on living on the couch all day. But that’s normal, right? I think? I don’t think he’d... would he?”

💥 Boom Baby <3 💥: I’ll be home in 10. See you.

Your eyes lit up with excitement, the storm in your head finally calming. It was going to be okay. It was going to be okay. 

- - -

It was not okay. Things weren’t okay.

As soon as Bakugo came home, he slammed the door and began rambling about his day again. You listened.

He talked.

You listened.

You listened to him drone on about his day.

And not once,

not once did he ask about yours.

“And I can’t believe it!” he growled as he tossed his jacket into the closet. “That damn idiot doesn’t even know what a villain is, from what I’m guessing,”

Your blood boiled as he continued to talk, not once looking you directly in the eyes.

“...and he’s probably going off and crying again. And that stupid villain wasn’t even trying! It’s as if he was just trying to cause trouble for me, and I think that’s fuckin’ ridiculous.”

Bakugo took his shoes off, throwing them onto the rug as he opened the door into the living room while talking. He didn’t even... he didn’t even glance at you.

“And me? Ha! I was forced to go on patrol,”

Me. He’s was always saying, me, me, me, by myself, alone.

Your jaw clenched as you heard him drone on.

“And they know I hate patrol, those damn... whatever. But again. And the thing is? No one ever listened to me! I didn’t even-”

“No one ever listened to me”

Was he kidding?

That was the last straw.

Bakugo continued. “Heck, I didn’t even get to start on anything! They just made me-”

“I hate you.” 

“...What?” he said, eyes narrowing as he stopped.

He looked you in the eye this time.

“I said, I hate you, Bakugo Katsuki.” you hissed. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you? Every day? For you to actually come home? Do you have any clue how lonely it’s been? Did you even know that I got accepted into the school I applied to, because I did-”

“Oh, you want to talk working hard?” Bakugo raged, suddenly towering over you. “You want to go there? Because I certainly don’t fuckin’ mind! Do you have any idea how clingy you are? Because unlike you, I don’t have an unlimited battery of energy. I’m tired all day, and I just want to go to sleep. So do whatever you need! Wash the dishes! Clean the house! I don’t give a damn, because guess what? I don’t care!”

Bakugo’s throat hitched when he realized was he’d said. 

“Really?” You laughed in disbelief. “Really, so all of a sudden, you’re treating me like I’m some sort of object! Like I’m something you can play with? I just wanted to spend time with you, Bakugo!”

....But he hadn’t expected for you to fight back. You had never fought back. 

“If you wanted to spend time with me, you would have been smart enough to know that I don’t give a damn anymore. Get lost for all I care. Deal with it yourself, you got that?”

When was the last time I’ve seen y/n fight for theirself?

“Ha! And you think I already haven’t felt that way?” You spat bitterly. You could feel the tension rising in the room, and it was just a constant back-and-forth between you two. “Because I have! I’ve stayed up all night, worried, crying, because you wouldn’t take the time out of your day to spend time with me. I understand your hero work! I get it, I do! But something as small as a genuine how are you? could have made my day, but did you give it?”

“At least you’re not the one who’s running their ass off just to get some money to live-”

“So you think you’re helping me now?”

Bakugo went up to your face before holding you by the collar and shoving you against the wall, tiny sparks beginning to form at his hands. “No! Why would I help you? You don’t even do anything, just get out of my face! Get out of my life, because I don’t ever want to see you or your stupid face ever again, go find someone else to take care of you!”

Bakugo’s throat hitched again at the sudden slip of words.

An immense wave of silence washed over.

Silence became deafening.

Who...

Who was he?

Who was this person?

Who was this... stranger? Monster? 

Did you even know him?

Why was he...

Who was this?

Whatever happened to “I’ll always be here for you?”

Your hands shook against your chest, eyes filling with tears as your heart hammered against your chest. 

“Fine.” You managed to say. If you were leaving, you were leaving firmly without a single trace of regret. “Fine then. See how it is without me, your so-called maid at home, isn’t that right?”

You could practically see the utter panic in his eyes.

“Right, Katsuki?”

For the first time in your life, you saw a shadow of vulnerability in his frame. His hands were shaking, eyes suddenly bloodshot and his breathing pattern increasing with speed.

“Answer me.”

Bakugo began shaking his head vigorously as he tried to reach out for your hand, but you pushed him away. “N-no, y/n, I didn’t mean-” he began.

You cut him off.

“No, no, you-- you did. You did. I know you meant every last word, and I mean the one I’m saying now.”

Even though your voice shook, you still chose to speak.

“I’m breaking up with you. We’re done.”

His eyes seemed frantic. “Baby, give me another chance, I swear I’ll make it right, I can,” Bakugo trembled. He stared at you in the eyes before trying to grab your hand again as if you were dying in front of him and had the audacity to say, “That’s what I always said, right? That I promised I’d always be here for you-”

“What’s done is done.” You said, before even giving him a chance to keep speaking. Was he insane? “You hurt me.”

“And I sure hope to God that you won’t ever hurt anyone else ever again. Because the thing is?” You stood up in front of him, watching his frame quake and his eyes widen. “You’re always going to be this toxic.”

“I wish I could say I was sorry.”

And you slammed the door for the last time. 

#ellie writes! #bakugo x reader #bakugo x gn!reader #bakugo angst #katsuki bakugo #katsuki x reader #THANK YOU FOR READING MY TRASH #I RLY APPRECIATE IT BUB ILY #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugo scenario #bakugo x y/n #bakugo x you #bnha fic #mha fic #mha fanfic #bnha fanfic #bnha angst #mha angst #bakugo headcanons

[vvildern]

Part one - untitled story

I woke up in the morning to the strangest feeling. A feeling of absolute and utter emptiness. In a lurch of pure panic, I reached over to feel the other side of the bed: empty. Irrational fear flooded through my veins as I leapt out of bed and tore out of the bedroom, nearly forgetting to check the time on my phone before stumbling about in the dark looking for the light switch. 1:20am it said. He should be home. With a flick of the living room switch, I heaved a huge sigh of relief. He was passed out on the couch, with his DS laying on his stomach. He must have fallen asleep in the middle of playing. But at least he was home. The feeling still lingered though, as I knelt down to kiss his forehead. With a sleepy mumble, he opened his eyes and pulled me into an awkward-but-loving hug. “Come on, sleepyhead. Let’s go to bed.” I ruffled his hair, and he grunted his agreement as he rolled off the couch and I helped him shuffle back to the bedroom. The next morning I had work at seven, so I felt like the walking dead getting ready for work after my moment of terror had kept me awake for another hour or so earlier. Once I had gone through my morning routine, and was ready to head out the door, the feeling hit me again. Emptiness. As though the world had gone silent, and all that could be heard was my own heartbeat, and the birds beginning to wake outside. I ran back to the bedroom to give him one more kiss goodbye, silently reassuring myself that he was still there before I left. Usually there’s a decent amount of traffic in the morning, especially around 6:45 am on a Monday morning. But I hadn’t seen a single car on the road, and none were in the parking lot when I pulled up. The strange feeling grew stronger with every breath as I got out of my car, and went inside. As soon as I opened the doors, the feeling nearly overwhelmed me as I saw the empty little Starbucks kiosk in our small town grocery store. My morning coworker was nowhere to be found. Hoping that she was upstairs, or maybe in the back room, I clocked in as usual, and donned my green apron. The store was completely silent. I had never noticed the sound of the air ducts before. The steady whooshing sound seemed to drown out everything else for what felt like a stretch of eternity as I waited for someone to appear. Anyone. Watching the clock, I waited until 7:30. Still, not a single person had walked through the doors, my coworker was MIA, and I hadn’t seen a single cashier, or anyone from the other departments. I was terrified. But, like a brave (or possibly stupid) soldier, I left my post in search of human life. After searching the entire store, from top to bottom, I had determined that not a single person was present, and it was officially time to panic. I had never run through that store so fast in my life as I rushed to my locker and dug through my pockets for my phone. Immediately, I saw that he had texted me. “Are you at work safe? I woke up with the strangest feeling and wanted to make sure. I love you.” The message read. I dialed his number. “Hello?” He answered, sounding groggy as usual. I was amazed he was even awake. “Dar, I’m really freaking out. There’s nobody here!” my voice was shaky, and high pitched with fear. I wasn’t even sure why I was afraid; I hadn’t seen anything scary, and there were no zombies anywhere that I knew of. But what if I just hadn’t seen one? What if there was something really bad going on? “What? What do you mean there’s no one there?” He was confused, but sounded like he was waking up. “I mean no one. At all. I’ve searched the whole store, and the roads were empty on my way here. There’s no customers, no employees, and no one outside driving by or walking on the streets.” The words came out in a rush, and my mind was racing, trying to understand. “You should come home. We should check it out together.” Now he was beginning to sound concerned. “Something doesn’t seem right. My mom hasn’t been responding to my texts either. And you know her.” “Okay, I’ll be home as soon as I can. I hope this isn’t some sort of joke, and I get in trouble for leaving work.” Suddenly I wonder if I should clock out or not. “If no one is there, maybe you just didn’t realize that the store was closed for the day or something. Either way I don’t want you there alone.” Dar reasoned. I knew he was probably right. “Okay, I’ll be home soon.” After hanging up I dashed to my car, fumbling with my keys as my eyes darted all around looking for signs of people, or danger. Still nothing. Seagulls and crows were hopping around the parking lot as usual, and I saw a familiar stray dog crossing the street not far away, but that was all. Once I had gotten in my car, started it and sped out of the parking lot, I turned on my radio and amped up the volume. I could still hear the hum of the air ducts in the empty store, and wanted to drown it out. About halfway home, I noticed that there had been no commercial breaks. No radio talkshow people chatting about concert tickets every fifteen minutes. I turned off the radio. What the hell was going on? Pulling into my driveway, I saw my dog running around the front yard, and Dar was sitting on the porch. A wave of relief washed over me as I jumped out of my car and fell into his comforting embrace. “You okay baby? You seem really shaken up,” He asked, rubbing my back. I just shook my head, and sighed. “I don’t know why I’m so frightened, but it was really eery and disturbing going into work and expecting people to be there that were nowhere to be found.” I whistled for the dog, and we all went inside. “I’ve tried calling my mom and my sister, and even my little brothers. No one’s been picking up. Maybe you should try calling home too,” Dar suggested as I collapsed onto the couch in a daze. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” reaching for my phone, I dialed the numbers and crossed my fingers. After an hour of calling every family member and friend we knew, a sort of shock had settled over the two of us. No one had picked up. No one had called back. So we both started calling every phone number we could find - even people we didn’t know. Dar got out the phone book, and we called random numbers. Nothing. It was starting to sink in. “I think… we’re alone.” He whispered. “Yeah,” my mind was starting to go blank, not knowing what to think at this point. “Let’s wait for a while, and see if anyone calls back. Meanwhile, I guess I’ll make some breakfast.” Dar was trying hard to sound confident, but I could hear the tension in his voice. If he could do it, so could I. “That’s a good idea. I’ll start some hot water for tea.”

We spent the rest of the day waiting. But no one called. If we had TV, we would have checked the news, but instead had to settle for looking online. As I was curled on the couch, anxiously sipping tea while attempting to refresh my Facebook feed repeatedly, Dar suddenly stood up and set his phone down. “We should go out.” He said simply. “What do you mean? Like, go shopping?” I asked, the idea not computing or connecting through my brainfog of shock. “No, we should go for a drive and see if we can find anyone. Let’s drive through town, and maybe the next one over, and see if we can find anyone - or anything.” Dar explained, looking for his shoes. Panic welled up in me again, but I fought it down. “What if there is something bad out there? What if there’re aliens, or it’s some kind of military experiment?” Obviously I had been reading too much science fiction, but Dar paused when I mentioned aliens. He was terrified of that idea, I knew. I probably shouldn’t have struck that low, but I really didn’t want to go out there. “We aren’t going to figure out anything by sitting around here all day,” He said, hesitation evident now as he had trouble tying his laces. “If you want, I can go and you can stay here.” “No! No, I don’t want you going out alone, and I sure as hell don’t want to be left alone. I’ll go with you.” The thought appalled me, but I knew he would go with or without me, so I grabbed my shoes and jacket. “Maybe we should drive out to my mom’s house to check on them too,” I offered, hoping I sounded supportive. “If my mom lived closer, I’d say we should check there too. Four hours is a little too far away to be driving when we don’t know what’s going on just yet though,” Dar sounded worried, and I felt bad suggesting seeing my family, when he couldn’t check up on his. “I’m sorry. We should keep trying to call them.” Feeling guilty, I put a leash on the dog, and we walked out the door.

#writing #part 1 #soft apocalypse #daydream story #I haven't written in a long time #and kinda rushed through this #cuz iv've been wanting to write it for so long #i just wanted to get it written out #there's more coming eventually though #maybe tomorrow #long post #text post #creative writing #story #constructive criticism #would be very welcome #let me know what you think

[doorsclosingslowly]

i’m sick. which on the one hand is bad timing b/c i have so much to do but on the other hand the reason why i have so much to do and it keeps piling up is that my brain is insisting on rehashing the recurrent argument about whether i should kill myself that i’ve decisively settled six years ago don’t worry, and also brain static and total exhaustion and all that fun stuff, and that’s not so good for productivity. or doing things where i have to think. being physically ill is a reason for not getting anything done that’s much easier for me to accept & not hate myself for (even though it won’t be effective with anyone else, like i’ve had enough time now i should be done with this paper) i still felt so relieved when i realized that i feel really sick and wouldn’t get anything done?? so i could stop trying for today?

i’m kinda worried i’m approaching the productivity cliff. like, i’m definitely not getting worse in terms of brain stuff and i’m getting much better at coping. but. this is also not like school anymore where showing up and bullshitting your way through is sufficient? and that’s the kind of thing i’m lucky with, i can pretty much make myself get out of bed and show up & i definitely acknowledge that i’m lucky and that there are people with worse mental illnesses. but now that i’m also working and that uni is less about ‘show up, bullshit the exam’ but writing papers where i actually have to have thoughts -- i’m not sure i can do that as well as i have to? at least not during the bad times that i haven’t yet managed to get rid of even tho i try, with the meds and psychs and stuff (also i’m kinda possibly paranoidly convinced that every psych i’ve gone to was just like, “why did they come here?” because i’m good enough at looking functional to fool everyone else i hope. which otoh has meant that i’m not sure the kind of help i get when i ask for it is sth that actually helps me?)

tbh one of the major problems is that most of the coping methods i have take time?? they’re very centred around allowing me to exist without thinking because i know that’s either not going to happen or going to devolve into the ‘reasons why being dead is a good idea’ bullshit. coping is not forcing myself to think, and trying to reduce stress b/c that’a a major trigger. and waiting because i know it won’t be forever. all of which takes massive amounts of time in which i’m doing nothing except not making myself feel worse. Coupled with the bullshit fact that i need unreasonable amounts of sleep to be functional & start throwing up after two days of not even not sleeping, but sleeping not enough... i just need way too much time. i am so lucky that my parents support me and that i can afford to study slower than usual and that i don’t have a 40-hr week. i know i’m lucky and that my problems are laughable. i still feel like the walls are closing in on me about a quarter of the time.

i should evolve some coping techniques that take less time because i Know i won’t be allowed to live like this forever. i’m doing okay rn but this isn’t sustainable if i ever get a real job. okay. i could stop having hobbies, that would get me another hour or two per day, but then i’m back down at the only reason why i’m alive being that my parents would never get over it if i killed myself. also for some stupid reason writing fanfic makes me feel better occasionally. maybe i’ll finally figure out a way to keep working on sth mentally demanding when brainfog, a way that doesn’t just make me freeze up in terror and want to die. haven’t managed to yet, but i’ve been only trying for five years, and i am getting steadily better at coping so it’s not impossible. also i should look into getting a job that doesn’t expect me to be good at thinking in the way i always thought i was good at but it turns out i’m not. if that exists and doesn’t just also make me terrified b/c money. still i should think about that when i feel a bit better.

why does more than one thing happen in one week. i just want to sleep. or not exist, but, can’t do that.

whatever. my problems are bullshit, i’ll get better, at the latest when it’s summer again, and i’ll kick the problem down the road. i’ve survived for long enough without solving any of these problems, i’ll probably make it for some more decades

#no need to read this #all of this is bullshit and i’m just venting/figuring stuff out by trying to write it down sorry #or not since my brain is foggy but whatever

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