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selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs · 2 months

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When you were gone

Self-Aware! BSD x SAGAU Imposter crossover

Self-Aware! Nikolai Gogol x GN! Reader

Description: You disappeared one month ago...

Warning: OOC. English is my second language.

_____

You felt so sleepy. You go to your room, yawning. Tonight, you won't have a cuddle buddy. You tried to offer some cuddles to Kolya. But he refused.

"Sorry, Birdy, but I can't cuddle with you tonight. I will practice all night for the magic show."

You just nodded and left for your room.

"Okay. Goodnight, Kolya."

Your room's door closed behind you. Gogol feels a pang of guilt. You looked so lonely. Maybe, he should go to you and cuddle?

Nikolai shook his head.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow he will bring you coffee in bed and you two will cuddle.

You will be there tomorrow.

_____

Day 1

_____

You were late for breakfast.

Too late.

Everyone already were in the dining room, eating.

Nikolai smirked at himself. Were you waiting for him to arrive with your coffee? Well, give him a minute.

He was brewing coffee. Two cups. One cup was made to be perfect for your taste.

After preparations were done, Nikolai Gogol took the tray with coffee mugs, creamer and bowl of sugar and went to your room.

He will wake you up (by starting a tickle fight). Then you two will drink coffee.

Nikolai let out a small laugh. Maybe, he will plant a kiss on your nose after coffee will be drank.

He knocked on your door. You didn't answer.

Nikolai Gogol opened the door.

You weren't in your room.

He didn't hear the sounds of running water.

And your bed was made. And cold.

Did you go on a run? Or to the market?

How long were you gone?

When you will return?

Nikolai's eyes shrank, when he noticed your phone on the bedside table.

You left it.

You always bring your phone with you.

Nikolai had a bad feeling about it.

*****

It's been hours.

And you haven't returned yet.

It's been hours.

And all of them were searching everywhere.

It's been hours.

And you were nowhere to be found.

________

Day 7

________

Week...

It has been a week since you disappeared.

Everyone were devastated.

Nikolai fell down on his bed.

He didn't care, that the blood on his clothes will dirty the covers.

Today, he was searching for you.

He was 'nicely asking' some crooks, if they dared to kidnap you.

Ougiri have never used his ability as much as before.

And he will use it even more.

You still were missing.

You still were nowhere to be found.

________

Day 14

________

Two weeks.

They have been searching for two weeks.

For two weeks they were looking under every bush, every rock.

Trying to find just one clue. One little clue.

They gathered in the dinning room.

Sitting at the table.

Your chair looked dreadfully empty.

The table was quiet.

They can't say anything.

There were no news.

No good. No bad.

Nothing.

Oda's voice broke the silence.

"Q... Are you... Do you want to say something?"

Nikolai gazed at the teen.

They were silent. But the look on their face were empty. Q opened their mouth.

"I... Nikolai-san, two weeks ago... You were the last one, who saw [Y/N], right?"

Nikolai nodded, not understanding, where Q were going to.

Q nodded and bit their lip, hugging their doll closer. Toy's colorful clothes (your present for Q) looked out of place in this situation.

"I see... Why... Why didn't you stay with them? You were always talking about wanting to stay with Guiding Light forever. What happened with that?"

Nikolai's voice were a little bit louder, that of a whisper.

"I were practicing... For a magic show..."

"Were the practice necessary? Could you practice only that day?"

That he cancelled. Because he can't waste time on anything else, beside the search.

Q's unique eyes stared directly in Nikolai's mismatched eyes.

Nikolai stay silent. He could. He could practice in the morning. He could stay with you.

Nikolai's silence were enough to answer Q's question.

They stand up, put their doll on the table and walked towards Nikolai's chair.

Q took their own chair with them.

Q put their chair near Nikolai's chair.

Q stood up on their chair. Now they were looking at sitting Nikolai from above.

Q clenched their fists.

"If you stayed with [Y/N]… No one would be able to kidnap them..."

Q screamed.

"It was your fault!" Q's fist was small, but, the hit was painful. Nikolai covered his bruised nose.

Q were yelling, while Dazai was dragging them away. It was hard, because Q tried to get away from his hold and hit Nikolai again.

"If you stayed with [Y/N] they won't disappear! Don't you dare to say, that you cared about them! You never cared about them! You will never care about anyone! You will kill anyone, who came close to you! That was your plan, right? To get rid of [Y/N]? Did their love disgust you that much?!"

Dazai, with Chuuya's help, finally managed to drag Q to their room, locking the door.

And Nikolai was standing here. Unmoving.

"Коля... Как ты?"¹ Fyodor's voice sounded soft.

Nikolai swallowed and shook his head.

"I... I need to go..."

Before Nikolai could go away, Fyodor grabbed his shoulder.

"Коля, ты не виноват. В ситуации виноват только тот ублюдок, который похитил [Т/И]. Все мы знаем, что ты бы никогда и пальчем не тронул [Т/И]. Не вини себя."²

Nikolai didn't say anything.

Without looking at Fyodor, Nikolai returned to his room.

It wasn't true! He could never hate you! He likes you! You are his Birdy.

And you were still missing.

He loves loving you!

He didn't want to hurt you.

He missed you.

But, what if... Q were right?

What if he was the reason, why you were gone?

______

Day 21

_____

Nikolai's body was shaking. He was crying. There was no hope. There was no you. There was no clue.

Ever since Q accused him, everyone were checking on him. Everyone were worried about each other. And about you.

Nikolai tears start flowing again.

Maybe, it really was his fault that you were gone? If he stayed with you... No one could take you away...

Another cry filled the room.

"Пташка... Пташка моя... Мені так шкода... Будь ласка... Повернися... Я люблю тебе..."³

Nikolai whispered.

"Я люблю тебе..."⁴

And no one answered his call.

_________

Day 30

_____

Chew. Swallow.

Bite again.

Chew. Swallow.

Bite.

Chew.

Swallow.

Bite.

Nikolai blinked as he pulled his fingers from his mouth.

The teacup.

Nikolai took it.

Blow.

Sip.

Blow.

Sip.

Go through the motions.

Nikolai closed his eyes.

For now, that's all he needed to do.

Go through the motions.

Breakfast is over.

Put dishes into the sink.

Go to the living room.

Learn, where to go today.

Search for you.

Repeat and repeat.

_________

Earlier that day, the portal appeared in the barn.

And you finally returned home.

________

Two weeks later

________

Nikolai was sitting near your bed, holding your hand. You were shaking. You had another nightmare.

He squeezed your hand, trying to make you feel better.

"It's okay, [Y/N]. It's okay. You are home." whispered Nikolai. You swallow your tears. Nikolai carefully brushed your tears away.

"I was so scared... I missed you..." whimpered you. You wanted a hug, you wanted to be near someone.

Like he was reading your mind, Nikolai hugged you. He whispered into the tip of your head.

"Nothing will ever hurt you, Birdy. I will never leave you ever again. I promise."

You stay silent, resting your head on Nikolai's chest.

Kolya carefully pet your head.

'Ніщо тобі не зашкодить, Пташко. Я обіцяю. І я подбаю про те, щоб вони заплатили за кожну сльозу, за кожну краплю крові. Я їм покажу.'⁵ thought Nikolai Gogol, hugging you closer.

Maybe, that way, he will have the smallest chance to be forgiven. For being the reason why you were kidnapped.

________

¹Russian. "Kolya, are you alright?"

²Russian. "Kolya, it's not your fault. The bastard, who kidnapped [Y/N] are the only one to blame. All of us know, that you would lay a finger on [Y/N]. Don't blame yourself."

³Ukrainian. "Birdy... My Birdy... I am so sorry... Please... Come back... I love you..."

⁴ Ukrainian. "I love you..."

⁵ Ukrainian. 'Nothing will hurt you, Birdy. I promise. And I will make sure, that they will pay for every tear, for every drop of blood. I will show them.'

_____

Tag list: @withered-blossoms , @myluckymoon @cocodrilofeliz @c4xcocoa @vvyeislazzy @whisperingwinters

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selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs · 6 months

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Perfection

Self-Aware! Fyodor Dostoevsky x GN! Reader x Self-Aware! Nikolai Gogol

Description: A passing comment makes you feel terrible about yourself. Fyodor and Nikolai disagree.

Set between Surprise and Sick Day

Warning: OOC. Body Insecurity. Hateful thinking during eating. Rude comments. Reader have hateful thoughts about themselves. English is my second language.

_______

You were in one of the many fast food restaurants in your city. Today you have a movie night and need some snacks for that. You were waiting in line for your turn to make order. Meanwhile, you read the menu once again. Maybe, something new was added.

Movie night was time full of unhealthy food and different movies, starting with classic films and ending up with any trashy movie you could find.

Today you were going to watch a bunch of Halloween movies. "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and "Ghostbusters" with everyone. And, after kids go to bed, you will watch "Bram Stoker's Dracula" just to hear Bram's comments about vampires and "Nightmare on Elm Street".

You knew, that tonight's going to be fun.

"Hello, how may I help you?" asked the cashier. They looked a little bit interested in everything, that happened around. You smile.

"Hello. I will have seven big buckets of fried wings and five big french fries. Thank you."

You took money from your pocket and put them on the counter. You knew, how much you need to pay, it wasn't the first time you made the order.

Cashier's eyes widen. He looked at you from head to toes. He mumbles.

"I-It will be ready in a few minutes..."

The cashier disappeared behind the kitchen's door. You start waiting. You decide to have a better look at some pictures, that were on the wall.

While you were looking at them, you heard hashed voices coming from the kitchen.

"What? Seven buckets of fried wings and five big french fries? Won't they burst?" said an unfamiliar voice.

"They immediately took the right amount of money from their pocket. It looks like this is not the first time they have made this order. It's quite obvious, really. Just look at their... cheeks... hands... stomach... Look at their everything!" The cashier from earlier answered.

You saw his reflection in the window. He was pointing at you and making some gestures in the air. Like he was trying to draw a sphere in the air.

You became still. You tried to tell yourself, that their opinion shouldn't matter, that they just bored and thought that you were an easy target.

"They looked like a balloon. A barrel with lard!"

You grit your teeth. Will you two stop and give me my order?

Finally, they became bored and returned to the kitchen. In a few moments, you finally got your order.

You glare at the cashier, but didn't say anything. Soon you will be home, having a good time with your friends.

You stomped away from the restaurant, holding bags with food in your hands. For one moment, you saw your reflection in the restaurant's window.

Your... cheeks do look chubbier.... And arms...

You hurry to the car. Kunikida was waiting for you.

You put bags on the back sit and sat on the front passenger seat.

You were silent on your way home.

You were staring at your reflection in the car window.

Were your cheeks always that chubby?

________

This evening was too cold for a summer evening.

So you decide to put on your jacket.

New jacket... That just month weeks ago was big to you.

New jacket, that now you could hardly put on you.

Small... It was small for you.

You decide, that you aren't that cold.

_________

The table in the living room were full of junk food.

Popcorn, nachos, tacos, chips, fried wings, french fries and soda drinks.

So tasty... So unhealthy...

...so much food, that will make you fatter...

The movie was on...

And each snack you ate felt like a rock in your stomach...

_________

After movie night was over, you locked yourself in your bedroom.

You take a better look at yourself in the mirror.

You have gained weight.

It was impossible, not to do it, while living with BSD Cast. Ivan was a good baker, Junchirou's cooking was amazing, Kenji could fry a steak better, than in any fancy restaurant, Kyouka's cooking make you want seconds, and it was impossible to say 'no' to food, that was cooked by Fyodor and Nikolai.

And how you can refuse to share snacks with Ranpo, or not have a tea party with Kirako and Naomi?

You decide to lose some weight... Do more exercises, then usual.

And ate less...

________

You manage to skip breakfast.

You just said that you were too tired and want to sleep some more.

They didn't ask you any questions.

You manage to skip lunch.

You pretend to be sleeping. Still.

You were forced to have dinner.

You couldn't sleep all day.

You are dinner with everyone. For dinner, you had mushed potatoes and pork.

You ate some mushed potatoes...

...your hips will be even wider...

You ate some pork..

... your stomach soon will look like you swallowed a globe...

You were smiling and talking with Atsushi, discussing last news...

And ate... Ate... Ate...

...they were right, you are a barrel with lard...

It takes your everything not to make yourself vomit after the dinner. If you didn't lose weight...

... soon they will leave a fat ball like you...

Everything is going to be okay... More exercises and less food... It will help...

________

For one week, you were trying to lose weight.

You train with Hunting Dogs even harder than before.

You didn't notice worried glances, that Teruko and Fukuchi cast at you. You didn't notice Jounou's attempts to make you rest. You didn't notice Tachihara's and Tetchou's hesitation, while they were exercising with you.

You didn't notice, that you looked less and less healthy.

_________

For one week, you skipped meals.

You find any excuse you could. Any reason you could find.

"I am not hungry" "Sorry, I need to finish something for my university" "I need to be somewhere right now, will have dinner in the city."

You choose to ignore worried glances.

You didn't manage to skip meals completely. You ate some fruits and vegetables every day. Not enough for a real meal.

You refused to have snacks with Ranpo. You choose to ignore, how hurt he looked, while hearing your 'no' for the third time in a week.

You refused to drink tea with Kirako and Naomi. You choose to ignore their questions, if they did something wrong.

You ignored, that you became more and more weaker.

______

You were banned from going to the training area. Something about you needing some rest and stop overworking yourself.

You could protest, but Gide and Verlaine, who were guiding the entrance to the training area, didn't look even slightly interested in hearing your arguments.

You couldn't do anything, so you return home.

And you immediately were greeted by Nikolai and Fyodor. Kolya grinned.

"Hey, [Y/N], let's have some lunch! I made pampushky¹ and Fedya made borscht! You will like it!"

Borscht and pampushky...

... even more fat...

... what if, back in May, Fyodor only asked to cuddle with you, because you were fat and warm, and he was cold?...

You lick your lips and mumbles.

"I can't... I must go to the library... In university library..."

Fyodor and Nikolai stared at each other.

Fyodor spoke. His voice was soft.

"Myshonok... Today is Sunday."

You close your eyes. What reason... Any reason...

You opened your mouth, trying to say something else, when a small bun was carefully shoved into your mouth.

"Here, Birdy, try it.... Please, just eat something..." Nikolai's voice sounded pleading.

You want to spit it out. But you had no other choice, but chew.

Fat pig... Hideous creature... You can't even hold yourself together...

You swallowed.

Before you can say something else, a spoon was put into your mouth.

Borscht... Warm soup... With meat and cabbage...

And sour cream...

"Myshonok, you need to eat. Stop starving yourself." Fyodor's voice was firm.

You will gain more weight... Even more clothes won't fit you...

You swallowed.

You looked at Nikolai and Fyodor. Both of them looked happy, that you ate at least one pampushka and one spoon of borscht.

And you despised yourself.

Nikolai took a step closer to you. He put his hands on your shoulders.

"Was it good? I sure, it was. I will bring another one... Oh, and a bowl of Fyodor's borscht! Just let me..."

You didn't know, what made you do this, but you were so close to screaming at Nikolai for giving you bread. You want to hurt Fyodor for forcing you to eat soup with sour cream.

hurt them hurt them them them make them pay say that you hate Them say that you hate them hurt them HURT YOURSELF

SAY THAT YOU HATE THEM

You open your mouth...

...hate them for what? For being your friends? For sticking around? For spending time with you? For worrying about you?...

...When was the last time you ate? Have a full meal and not a piece of apple? When was the last time you spent time with others? Were you even talking to Hunting Dogs while training? Did you say 'hello' to them...

You let out a quiet sob.

And immediately were pressed against Fyodor's chest. He draped his coat over you.

"Коля, я сейчас пойду и поговорю с Мышонком. Пора докопаться до правды. Сможешь сделать так, чтобы нас не побеспокоили?²" Fyodor's voice was calm. His grip was strong. You heard Nikolai's voice.

"Я це зроблю. Вас ніхто не потурбує.³" He sounds... worried. He stepped closer to Fyodor and lift the coat.

"Please... I miss you..."

He softly rubbed his cheek against yours and stepped away.

Fyodor's coat were once again draped over you.

You didn't resist, when Fyodor start leading you somewhere.

_____

The door closes behind you.

Fyodor removed his coat.

Both of you were in your room.

Your breathing was hard.

Fyodor was just standing here. Looking at you.

He spoke first.

"Myshonok, what's going on? You haven't eaten for one week, you hardly talk to anyone. We are worried about you."

You didn't answer. You were just swallowing tears, that were running down your cheeks.

You feel Fyodor's breath on your ear.

"[Y/N], please, talk to me."

You finally found your voice.

You told him about cashiers. About your sweater. About your insecurities. About hating yourself for eating food. About wanting to hurt Kolya and him just moments ago.

When you finish talking, only your sobs were heard.

Fyodor carefully squeezed your shoulders.

"[Y/N], everything about you is perfect. You are perfect, both inside and outside."

Your eyes met with Fyodor's purple eyes. They were so soft, so full of hidden affection. His hands cupped your cheeks.

"You aren't disgusting. You should not change because of some random person comments. And you only hurt yourself. You were almost starving all this week, you stopped talking to any of us. You try to make as many exercises as Tetchou normally do!"

Fyodor put his face closer to yours.

"Please, don't hurt yourself. If you feel down, just came to any of us. We all love you and want you to be happy. And for me..."

He kissed your cheek.

"For me, you are nothing less, than a perfection."

His eyes were so warm. You sobbed and hide your face in his chest.

He was warm. His embrace was everything you need right now.

"I... I..." you can't form a full sentence. Fyodor whispered, petting your head.

"Shhh... It's okay... It's okay... It will be okay..."

Fyodor took a step back, without breaking the embrace. He opened the door. You hear footsteps.

Now you were hugged by Fyodor and Nikolai at the same time.

Now you were sure, that everything is going to be fine.

_______

After you calm down, Fyodor, Nikolai and you had lunch together. It's not only was tasty, but very filling.

Then you three had a movie marathon. You were nested between Fyodor and Nikolai. A large bowl of popcorn with butter, salt and caramel was placed on your lap. It was tasty.

You had dinner with everyone. They were so happy, seeing you again. You felt, how the rest of your worries and sadness disappeared.

But, the last of bit of your sadness truly disappeared, when you were laying on your bed, in a middle of Fyodor and Nikolai cuddle sandwich. Your head were laying on Nikolai's chest. Fyodor's face were pressed against the back of your head.

Before drifting to sleep, you feel, how Fyodor kissed you on the back of your neck.

And whispered.

"Ты само совершенство, [Т/И].⁴"

______

1. Pampushky - a small savory or sweet yeast-raised bun or doughnut typical for Ukrainian cuisine.

2. Russian. "Kolya, I’ll go and talk to Baby mouse. It's time to get to the bottom of this. Can you make sure we won't be disturbed?

3. Ukrainian. "I will do it. No one will bother you."

4. Russian. "You are a true perfection, [Y/N]."

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