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#but I dont remember hurting? yknow?
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I don't think I realized it at the time but every time I think about middle school I just remember how bad of a place I was in, I keep thinking about certain things and I was hurting a lot and I didn't really even notice it and I wasn't a very good person to some people and I'm really glad it doesn't hurt like that anymore.
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hajihiko · 2 years
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A little too real 😢
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moeblob · 30 days
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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crescentfool · 6 months
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beaming everyone on the dashh with good brain day vibes!!! i hope that you all can remember to extend self-compassion to yourself whenever you're feeling down about something 💙
#lizzy speaks#the human brain works in such profound ways i think#lately i've been thinking about that post that was like 'you will always be your oldest friend take care of yourself'#it's definitely a sentiment i agree with and i appreciate how it emphasizes the importance of extending compassion to yourself#you wouldn't say such hurtful things to your friends right? (or at least i'd hope so)#so why would you say it to yourself?#you are your own friend too. and i think everyone has a beautiful soul within themselves. nurture it! water it! feed it good thoughts.#basically i wish everyone a 'i hope that your brain is not your own enemy but rather a friend that you can find comfort in'#things will work themselves out with time. there's beauty in life and you will find small delights to cherish!! i am manifesting it for u!!#and for those who find it difficult to transition from a self-critical mindset to one that's more compassionate and nonjudgmental#i truly think that with time you will be able to rewire your brain to be kinder to yourself. i'm proud of you for taking any first steps :)#there are times in which it feels counterintuitive to go against habits that feel hard-wired... but brains are very malleable littel guys-#with such a wonderful capacity for changing and learning new things. so i hope everyone can learn to be their own best friend!#not to undermine the importance of a support network ofc. that's good too and im all for that!! but i hope everyone remembers to be kind-#not only to others but also to themselves!! you're going to do great out there!! i love you all!!#ive just been thinking about this a lot... i needed to get it out there. you all shine so brightly!!! we shall be fine!!! have a good week!#sorry if this is out of nowhere but if there's anything about me you should know it's that i'm the 'hey dont cry 8 billion people on earth-#ok?' post. idk i just find great joy in knowing others are out there thriving and finding a daily delight yknow i love humanity!!
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funshinebf · 22 days
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for some reason lately my nose has been bleeding more than usual? not like. not enough for full on nosebleeds like coming out of my nostrils.. but like, when i blow my nose or wipe it, quite a few times theres been some blood coming out. its probably just like dry or some shit? its just weird cause this has never happened to me before
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floralovebot · 3 months
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how do you feel about when writers used Roy and Wally’s as mouth pieces for the fans that wanted Garth removed from the team?
well to be honest, i don't think roy and wally were ever mouthpieces for fans who didn't like garth? like garth was never the Most popular but he was also never hated by any means. and while i wasn't alive during the time, i'm pretty sure garth was fairly well-liked during the silver age and bronze age, at least among aquafam and teen titans fans.
i think it's important to remember that wally and roy weren't like,, specifically targeting garth when they acted up. they were literally just like that. like wally using nicknames for garth was something that he did for all of them (and actually they all did it - it was just a Thing at the time). wally occasionally looked down on him or doubted him but again, he did that to dick and donna too.
similarly, roy was just going through his asshole teenager phase, and while he certainly didn't like garth, he didn't like the others at first either. roy and dick even had a (short lived) rivalry and wally had to break them up multiple times. roy came around after some time, and honestly, if garth had stuck around, i think they probably would've become actual friends.
but anyway them treating garth badly was really just,,, them being them, as shitty as it sounds. wally wasn't trying to be a bully - he was just a little insensitive at times. and roy was just in his little shit phase and treating everyone like that.
so while it's possible that some fans wanted garth gone, i really don't think wally or roy were used as mouthpieces for that. they were treating everyone like that.
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orpheusofthestars · 20 days
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no joke i think deep frying my hand has reaffirmed my positivity for being alive. i was so stressed out in the days leading up to it, and all that stress really dissipated when i had to go to the ER. i remember thinking to myself like, maybe life is okay & i like living, actually. the next morning i got prescribed gel hrt, that weekend i went to an anime convention and was surrounded by my closest friends, and now as my burnt flesh peels itself from my body to make way for new skin i am now 7 days on t
so
idk
im sure theres a poem in there somewhere
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lion-buddy · 10 months
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being the resident nezuko liker is such a challenge sometimes
#ooo these tags contain complaining if u dont like that then see ya around <3#i would love to scroll through the tag without being bombarded by. awfulness. both bot and fandom posted#yknow. yknow. that is a 12 yr old#it has become!!! genuinely frustrating! it always has been#and i dont mean to complain but. man. im just disappointed#and.while kinda begin the kny mascot she is barley present in fan made content. with meaning. and its all mostly reposted art ugh.#and even official stuff has her only as little child nezuko and!! i get it its cute whatever but it feel so pandery and wrong all the time#i just poitn. that is not her that is a facet u r choosign to hyperfocus on show me the real her#and lets be honest the og stroyline isnt kind to her etiher she is nonexistent after swordsmith#i remember for a time when idid post abt her i was one of the inly consistent nezuko artists who wanted to like. put her in scenarios#and i want reiterate again that drawing cute art and gifs of her is fine it doesnt hurt anyone. i love to see it actually#but like. in a fandom as big as this youd think. youd think they like her more!!!! but no#and. the last thing i want to insinuate is “if u dont like my fav character then u suck” cus thats is not how fandom content works. at all#fandom is a experience for u to cultivate for yourself. and sometimes it just comes up short!!! i guess#it jsut felt weird being lonely in your liking of an aspect of the series where there are so many ppl. yet they all only like the hot men.#which again. u do u. nothign wrong with it. its anime afterall. it can just be frustrating sometimes.#idk! im also not very social so maybe its just my fault but. man. id love to find some other resident nezuko likers that. isnt just shippin#i feel interacting would be so much easier if my fav was like. one of the main boys like everyone else. or i made ship content or somethin#but like i said fandom is for u and u only if that makes sense. the point is to create things u want to see. which is what i do and enjoy#just with nezuko specifcally. i dotn want to put my stuff of her in the tags anymore cuz i just. dont trust the fandom with her. its weird#but also. appreciate those who did interact. i hope ur all doing alright <3 ty for talkign with me :]#i just needed to get this out cuz its. kinda why i dotn post abt kny anymore. especially the s3 fandom im sorry i just dont vibe with it </
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barnabybrainrot · 6 months
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—-
#mod posts#idk dude i am so conflicted abt this ‘barnaby is overrated’ shit#on one hand im like… wow another person who feels he’s overrated. daring today are we?#on the other im like… i understand what its like when the character you like isnt the popular one in the community#like i normally tend to hyperfixate on the side characters so i absolutely know how frustrating it is#i also know from personal experience that a lot of it can just be hating it solely BECAUSE its popular#when i was like 14 and undertale came out i hated it just bc it was popular. and then i played it myself and yknow what? i enjoyed it#like… its okay not to like something!! everyone has unique tastes#and i also understand the concern abt barnaby being treated like snatcher (i know NOTHING abt snatcher so dont. quote me on that)#like theres a chance the ‘fanon’ version of barnaby will be given precedence over ‘canon’#the same shit happened with sans. remember all those sans/reader fics where sans was this edgy mysterious guy?#yet in fanon hes just a funni little skeleton who likes bad jokes?#yet in *canon jesus christ i cant spell today#but like. can we just let people enjoy things if they arent hurting anyone?#like i get it its annoying sometimes. like i had to mute the oc tag bc i was tired of seeing RP stuff#but im not like. going into their inboxes and telling them theyre bad ppl for enjoying a popular character yknow?#sorry this is making like. no sense. and im sorry to put it in tags but i do NOT want this spreading#anyways. those are my thoughts for today.
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cathalbravecog · 10 months
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Man... I can't stop thinking about the things that were talked about on the stream, especially the answer on my question - so... get ready for a ramble! its a long one. oops. i dont even know where im going with this, im just dumping my thoughts somewhere. half is about ttcc lore in general and the streams, the other half is about cathal and me projecting onto him deeper.
before i even hop deeper into this, it wasn't until early today that i learned that there was a whole drama about cranky's answers (regarding the graham and flint question and the whole "keep it sane" thing. i thought it was...off, but i understood it as 'do what you want people, just don't start any harassment because of ships and your favorite pairs'.
definitely could have been phrased better, though. at least we got a good response and an apology later from maven on twitter. but i legit did not know this was a drama until those twitter posts were made LOL. i dont interact with the fandom so i do not know how that answer was percieved by most. or if anyone except for me and my friends have had any thoughts about the question i asked that got answered.)
and what im tryna get to is that i get cranky isnt the one to be answering lore things, and probably didnt know what to answer... but it's still something to think about
because being told "cogs and toons just dont become how they are out of the blue" (paraphrasing here) as an answer to what cathal initially thought of seeing his dad be bet up and thrown off a tower is... confusing? he did say first and foremost that it has to be built upon before saying that. i understand that this is... a lot of characters! and cathal did have some focus on him thanks to the comic and they wanted to focus on other managers... but some have deeper, more intricate lore that's easy to grasp (especially the more, well, angstier managers like chip and misty.)
and we have gotten some extra lore for other managers like belle, mary, tawny.... thanks to thomas' rambles.
and it's definitely difficult for a team of volounteers working hard on a fan game together to make lore for all the characters, that are still very young in their *life span*, having been around for less than a year. despite ttcc being more character driven and focused on the cogs, it's still a game they have to run so they cannot focus on lore only and some game management has to be done first. there's a bunch of things they have to consider, like consistency and how fans may react, or possible themes or what they want the story to be...
and. yeah. its hard since. come on lets admit it. clash has an issue with how these are all given to us. hell, there's lore bits i still dont know about and im still learning because it's..so all over the place. a new player will not know about it. maven acknowledged this in the tweet and i really appreciate that, as it's honestly been my number one issue with clash, especially as someone who is there for the lore. (i mean, and the gameplay, i know some people who don't play the game itself much. well i sure do a little TOO MUCH because i have PROBLEMS. but im interested in the lore, too, yknow?)
some lore you cant learn from the wiki, and unless you interact with the community, you may never learn *where* all of this even is. if you werent live for certain lore there, it's hardly accessible to you. lore locked behind one time events, an arg website, wikis, discord chats... all that. it's hard to keep track of! i'm sure it's like that for both the fans and the writers. these characters are great, fun, and i love them, but the way we are given this information is... not the best. it's very easy to miss certain details.
it's especially bad if you're like me - only ever interacting with a close group of people you trust, (because people are scary especially a lot of... lore driven fans. yeahnoimeanshippers.sorry.and just big crowds of people in general) having only gotten back into the game recently AFTER most of the major lore events (first played once in 2019, then never again until january 2023) and also you dislike youtube and video content, so you dont watch it. something in your brain would rather if you step on a nail than watch a playthrough video (especially with commentary).
like in general it shouldnt be necessary to go through all these hoops just to know the lore! especially for things that may have little lore...
anyways, uh, back to cathal. i cannot stop thinking about this.
it definitely wasnt an answer to what i specifically asked - but possibly more so about... why cathal is the way he is? and despite what my brain and low self esteem during hard times may tell me - i do not believe that anybody is truly "lazy". i just dont think that exists. there's always some reason behind a person being unmotivated or lazy. even the little things!
but like... that's just kinda obvious. all toons and cogs have motivations. thats like... one of the basics of writing characters. have motivations for characters and reasons for why they are how they are. doesnt have to be anything tragic, just.... how they are as people.
it's totally unrelated to the question of what cathal thought about seeing his dad like that... but oh well! i asked that because i made up my own story around that already, and i just wanted to see what someone working on the game thinks about the same idea.
not to be Tumblr User CathalBravecog, but, of course I have projected heavily onto cathal. i have already stated how important cathal is to me as a character, especially with appreciating myself when im.. not exactly the most motivated. when im not doing much. taught me to appreciate breaks. hell! i keep preaching this myself. its okay to take breaks! and yet i often end up not doing it and i overwork myself on games and art and other things.
there's... a lot of things "wrong" with me that i don't have names for yet, especially due to not having a diagnosis for them, but they're very real feelings and they cause me to be unable to do things a lot of the time. various mental blocks and a new member of the gang... physical pai! hooray.
this... endless productivity we are forced and expected to do. it can take a toll on you. breaks are just as necessary and to say it's a thing that has to be re-learned is... sickening. hooray for living in a Corporate (clash) society, fellas.
one thing i can say is that i absolutely headcanon that cathal has adhd - though, maybe not the same type i do. i do not think he gets randomly hyper and wants to (and does) jump around everywhere and blurt things out randomly and impulsively. cathal here has the low energy, yknow.
i like that a lot of the content around him doesnt even describe him with the words "lazy" and "sleepy" instead.
every day is the same... even if his job is relatively simple, just watching over the camera feed - it's definitely boring... and having to do it every day is not rewarding. and being mostly alone and without consequence, he gives into wanting to do something else. he's got these huge screens and a room to himself, and he loves watching shows and cartoons... so he's gonna do that. it's more fun. it's stimulating. and especially with his dad being the one to give him his position, he knows that he's got nothing to really worry about there.
i also think it's a bit hard to be motivated knowing that... this war between the cogs and toons is just. endless. hell, again, he has to see his dad *everyday* be attacked by them. his body damaged after the fall - only to be fixed again. rinse and repeat. i would too, find it pointless. especially if you're like cathal, since i pointed out before that he is very kind and caring towards the other cogs. he's also thoughtful, noting that yknow... a lot of stairs to get to his room.
why do all that when you can chill... and feel good. do something that feels nice...
i don't have any names for this, but with how sleepy he usually is, that's definitely a thing to consider too. and just, from experience... being tired and/or sleepy it... dismotivates you even more. its so hard to start tasks even if you *want* to do them. and considering cathal mooost likely doesn't want to do his work on his own - then these tasks can be just. impossible to start.
like, i have struggled with this my entire life myself, just because of my adhd screwing with everything, but after getting covid and most definitely getting a form of chronic exhaustion from it.. things have been even harder. i pull myself through day and i barely have the energy to even start anything. sometimes i dont even do anything all day and... woops! still no mood or energy to do anything. i just work on random bursts of motivation and things that captivate me...
not sure how it relates to cathal, but, hey, if im personal here ill ramble about it too because WOW it has been biting me in the ass and i need to speak to Professionals About It
like... i dont think hes being "lazy" willingly, yknow? theres a reason behind it. it definitely is just... being sleepy, the comfort... the fun and stimulation doing something fun he's interested in (his shows) are just... stronger desires and way easier for him to get to. why struggle through something when it takes up all your energy, and then you feel no reward for it? yeah. exactly. even just "not feeling like it" is a reson. "not having energy" is a reason. hey, are these things to get better about if needed? certainly. i wish i could get help with this, it would help me in my life so so much. but should it be seen as ENTIRELY negative and as being a "hinder to society". hell nah. and i think thats swag. cathal is swag he can do this, good for him lmaooo. my brain is deteriorating i apologize.
there was... another thing i wanted to say, but i forgot. so i'll move on.
but just... yeah. i dont think cathal is just lazy. i dont believe in "laziness". he's got reasons for why he prefers naps and just... watching tv instead of doing his work. perhaps he does want to do these things, but gave up on trying. its not worth the effort, it does not feel good. its not stimulating enough to keep him going.
#long#ramble#cathalposting#i...may delete this later i dont know. i both wanna talk to ppl i know about this#but also Do Not Percieve me. I am Afraid Of What People Think#Stay Back Foul Beasts !#alsoy eah i had other stuff to talk about...more on the negative side i guess but??? its. a bit difficult to#give and .. angstier things? negative thoughts? to a character who you see a lot of comfort in. they make you happy#they help you feel better about yourself. you want to see them happy. if theyre happy#youre happy. if theyre sad...well. you are sad. sadness is natural. its a real thing. it happens sometimes. its a part of life#and i have attached some of these things to cathal already. but a few things are hard for me to consider because of The Brain Worms.#i dont want to see him hurt either yknow.#anyways i hope you enjoyer my mental illness ramble. im not normal and you shouldve known that when you followed me#thank you for existing cathal ray toby braveswag#hey fun fact remember how i said i get tired of stuff myself easily well this whole thing made me tired. i was gonna#answer an ask but now im like. man. (melts into a puddle)#(doesnt take a break bc i need instant stimulation and makes things worse for myself)#do yall see why i like cathal so much now gamers?#ya. sorry this got personal. if any of you can handle reading this u deserve a reward.#and maybe i need to start talking about personal things this much. but whatever#this is my blog i can talk about anything and thats the COOL THING!#MWAHAHAHHAHAHA!#dies#ivegot a lot going on in my brain rn cant u tell
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owoesies · 1 year
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i love making comics that are just "this might make you cry your eyes out but at least the characters are with you on that"
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whomturgled · 10 months
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i have so many feelings and i hate it
#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and#and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and#i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and#its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine#and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like#be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work#even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much#and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea#and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an#auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them#i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk#i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all#i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but#ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u#ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are#i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too#but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf#i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc#like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk#i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can#like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and#more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff#i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m#bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh
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do uyo think a monkys 🐒 and a sketin 💀 can be friends
a thought bubble appears above my head with the memory of having my picture taken with a monkey at the ripe old age of 6, and upon leaving the monkey would trip me and start dragging me by the ankle back to the photo chair, prompting the photographer to fucking book it for that monkey.
hm probably not i don't think.
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haemosexuality · 11 months
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these past few days i have been uncharacteristically. emotionally open. w my friend and it has me thinking about how truly for all of my life i just did not expect anything from anyone
#like since i was a kid i just accepted in my head that all the ''friends'' id have were ppl who either were just putting up w me (probably#bc they had no one else and i was like. what was available) or ppl who cared ab me yeah but i was still their second or third choice#and i was just like. yeah ok. i can survive w that. like consciously i made the choice to hang out w people i knew didnt really like me#bc it was better than not having anyone to talk to#did it hurt any less when those ppl eventually stopped talking to me or i learned theyve been talking about how annoying i am to others?#no it didnt. bc i still cared about Them and had Them as my first choice. but i just thought. thats just how it is. im jist not really#likeable. so ill take what i can get#when i was like 7 or 8. i had one friend at school. and she had like some issues at home or smth idk but sometimes she would just start.#treating me badly or just ignoring me for months at a time. and its not like it deeply traumatized me or anything i honestly didmt remember#this fact until like last year but the thing is that i just. accepted it. i was just like yeah ok for half of the year or so my only friend#will act like she hates me and ill have no one to talk to. thats fine. ill just wait until next year when she likes me again. at age 7. and#now im just like what the fuck man why did i just accept that as my life. through all my childhood and then with other friends in my teen#years why did i never not once try to do better for myself. yknow?#when i was 11 and in another school my best friend suddenly started not talking to me. after a month or so of this i decided to invite her#to my house to play like we had done so several times before and she just looked at me like she was confused i was talking to her at all#and said ''why?''. and i was just like. ok. thats that i guess. genuinely why did i just accept these things#and like yeah i have friends that i feel Get me now and one i love just so much and i can tell loves me back but theyre online. i dont talk#to anyone irl. i dont know how. and im happy im so happy but im also scared that im just doomed to be extremely lonely forever irl#because i am legit just not likeable. not to be a weird a weirdo but yeah im just too different from ur average person my age i cant#connect with them in any way. and i also dont know how to talk to people or make friends or to find people that are like me. ill just#not have anyone forever#i guess#especially bc now i dont hate myself enough to hang out with people i dont like so like. i dont even have that as an option skdbskdjks#Every friend i ever made happened bc the other person reached out to me first and insisted on it. all the friendships that stuck were the#gay autistic/adhd weirdonerds who can relate to my hyperfixations and dont expect me to act Normal™. idk how to find the former group irl#and have never once iniciated a friendship. my fate is to be someone who has online friends only and exclusively#and dont even get me STARTED on the topic of having a girlfriend someday-#anyways. certified magnus archives moment
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tortademaracuya · 11 months
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#idk why i thought it would be different this time#im an absolute idiot. im too fucking stupid to comprend all this shit#'maybe my professors will know how to help me' they never tell me shit. they havent helped me at all. i feel so stupid every correction#no matter how much i read or what i watch its like i cant understand anything#i used to love programming!!! i used to actually know what i was doing!!!!! when did i become so stupid!!!!#should i aak for help from someone else? probably! but i dont want them to know how much of an idiot i am#just kidding. i know all my friends know how stupid i am. doesnt mean i dont want them to give them even more proof of that#nor bother them either tbh. why should they have to waste time because im a fucking idiot?#im. such a disappointment#i dont want to do this anymore#every monday is just me going to that stupid class and see how dumb i am compared to everyone else. so pathetic#how did i even manage to pass all my classes? how do i only have my thesis left?#part of me wants to abandon everything but what would i do then? look for a job?#im an idiot and a horrible artist where the hell would i get a job? not like finishing my thesis would change that but. yknow#im so scared. for real how did it end up like this?#everyday i feel more stupid. i remember less. my body hurts a little more each day for reasons unknown#i dont understand how others have any expectation of me#i cant talk to others because everytime i have tried to express any worry i instantly get a joke or mock in reply#im so tired of everything#haunted.txt
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