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in-tua-deep · 4 years

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20 for Vanya?

20. What-ifs/Alternate Timelines

I have a lot of what-ifs and alternate timelines for Vanya lmao, especially ones that prevent the apocalypse because I’m a sucker for a happy ending tbh

What if Vanya was included? Why not? Klaus’s powers weren’t useful for missions, Allison’s story for Claire was literally like “yeah Klaus got distracted by ghosts in the background lol” so it’s not like a kid without offensive powers couldn’t do it

you have rebellious Vanya aus, where she decides, like some neglected children do, so act out. If her father isn’t going to acknowledge anything good about her, she’s going to make him acknowledge the bad. Punishment might be the only time he pays attention to her, after all.

(let’s call this an au where the pills suppress her powers but not so much her emotions)

So you have an au where she sneaks out and joins the missions. She breaks into the mausoleum and picks Klaus up and stares her father down with a challenge in her eyes.

Five vanishes, and Vanya gets worse. She plays her violin at 2 in the morning. She refuses to eat her broccoli. she teams up with diego to see who can piss dad off the most

(her and Diego actually get along very well in this sort of au, honestly)

Vanya gets out and plays the violin and gets angry. She plays with fury and fire and gets second chair, because Helen is actually really very good. But she makes Helen work for it. Helen isn’t secure in her position, she always knows that Vanya is a step away from taking it from her

and maybe that should make them enemies, but it doesn’t. They’re rivals. Helen respects the hell out of Vanya, and Vanya can’t help but admire the woman who makes the most difficult pieces look effortless

(RIVALS TO LOVERS: VIOLIN EDITION)

Vanya writes her book. Except she kicks down Diego’s boiler room door and is like “DIEGO”

“WHAT”

“I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW MUCH DAD FUCKING SUCKS”

“I’LL BE RIGHT THERE”

as one of the rebel kids, Vanya actually got along well with Klaus as well since she helped him sneak out and 100% also smoked at least some weed with him because it would piss off Reggie tbh though she didn’t get into the harder drugs like he did

(showing up absolutely plastered to breakfast when they were sixteen was hilarious even if the laps they had to run around the block were not)

anyway Klaus crashes at her apartment sometimes, with supervision, because she loves Klaus but he has a problem and has stolen from her before but he’s still her brother but regardless

Klaus-Diego-Vanya sleepovers where they brainstorm the book to shit talk their father. Honestly it’s kind of a blast. They all get super wine drunk and end up watching Mary Poppins together with some Very Loud Opinions about nannies in general tbh

klaus throwing popcorn at the screen: BOO WHY WAS OUR CHILDHOOD NOT A MUSICAL???

diego: idk if you can have cheery musicals about child soldiers

vanya: i mean if they can have a musical about child labor in factories and the starvation of the workers in oliver twist you could do something with child superheroes

klaus: EXACTLY thank you vanya

they publish the book (luther is uNHAPPY, vanya dedicates her book to ‘all my siblings who survived the Reginald Regime but especially those who didn’t’, and she gifts Reggie a copy that says “fuck you lol” and is signed by her, diego, and klaus), they continue living, they go to the funeral when reggie kicks the bucket

and then five shows up, feral and aching

and five tells vanya about the apocalypse, and vanya thinks about their father saying time travel messed with the mind, and then she thinks - fuck the old man he was wrong about her (ordinary, fuck that, she’s Vanya Fucking Hargreeves) and he was probably wrong about Five, too

and Five is wholeheartedly believed

“Let me call Diego,” Vanya says when Five tells her about the eye, “I bet he could totally wear a police uniform and get info about the eye. And if not, I’m absolutely sure Klaus could improvise a solution. He’s good at that.”

“Klaus??” Five asks, vaguely suspicious.

“We don’t talk about the Sleepover of 2012.” Vanya intones solemnly, and refuses to answer any further questions on the topic.

Harold Jenkins comes to the apartment and tries to woo Vanya or whatever, and Vanya is kind of like... “Look, Leonard. I can be your teacher for violin. It’s my job. But I am in a relationship. And also like, super gay. If you have a problem with that then I am not the teacher for you.”

Actually scratch Diego and Klaus getting called, which they do, Vanya looks at them and her thirteen year old brother and is like “wait. actually i know someone infinitely better to crack this case wide open.”

“Who?” Five, Klaus, and Diego all ask

“My girlfriend.” Vanya says proudly, called Helen up.

And Helen walks into the building like she’s at fucking war and has such demanding confidence that they just give her the information she seeks and apologize for inconveniencing her.

“Hey Vanya are we still on for date night tomorrow?” Helen casually asks after, and Five kind of wants to be her when he grows up honestly after watching her verbally eviscerate Lance or whatever the fuck his name is

“Yeah.” Vanya confirms, “Unless there’s other apocalypse stuff to do?”

“You take all the time you need, honey.” Helen says warmly, “After all the more time you take the less you have to practice.”

“I’m gonna destroy the concert piece and you know it.” Vanya threatens.

Helen sniffs, “Okay, whatever you say second chair.”

and then they kiss and Helen ditches and the others just kind of look at Vanya judgingly

“In fairness, she’s very hot and very talented.” Vanya defends herself.

Klaus nods sagely. Vanya nods back. He gets it.

“Concert piece?” Diego asks, because he has priorities.

“Yeah, I’ve already asked for tickets for all of you and you will be attending Diego.” Vanya smiles prettily with all her teeth.

“When is it?” Five asks

“April 1st.” Vanya tells him, “And no that isn’t an April Fools joke. You will attend and you will marvel at my skill. And maybe run interference between Helen and Allison because I’m kind of afraid they’re going to rip each others throats out to establish dominance.”

“That’s the day of the apocalypse.” Five informs her.

“Not on my goddamn watch.” Vanya says, because her family will attend her fucking concert and they will make awkward small talk with her girlfriend and the fucking apocalypse has better lay down and get over itself because nothing can stop Vanya’s goddamn plans

“I can investigate Meritech more.” Diego offers, because Lance-or-whatever-his-name-is is clearly shady as shit, “I have police contacts I could go through. Hey Vanya, your concert tickets include a plus one?”

“They can.” Vanya shrugs.

“Sweet, let me see if Patch can come.”

“She’s way too good for you, bro.”

“Shut your goddamn mouth.”

Anyway the point is they all go home, and Diego goes to talk to his police contacts and Five is definitely at home for when Hazel and Cha-Cha attack the mansion, oops.

“Whomst the FUCK.” Vanya yells, kicking Hazel in the crotch because she’s Vanya Fucking Hargreeves she knows self defense thank you very much

“Ah.” Five says. “Hazel. How’s it going.”

“Just peachy.” Hazel wheezes, “Why’d you betray the Commission?”

“Well, you know. They cut the dental. That was really the last straw.” Five says, sarcastically.

“The dental.” Hazel echoes back, nodding very seriously, “I fucking know. You know physical therapy isn’t even covered anymore?”

“No shit?” Five says, “I mean you’d think with a job as physical as ours...”

“I know.” Hazel howls, vindicated.

“Five.” Vanya says, rolling her eyes, “The house?”

“Oh, right.” Five frowns, looking at Hazel, “I mean. Can you like, leave? And not come back?”

“‘Fraid not.” Hazel actually sounds somewhat apologetic, “You know what the Commission is like. They’re really gunning for you.”

Five nods, because really what did he expect, “Can you leave like, temporarily? I mean you’d pretty clearly outnumbered. I don’t even know where Cha-Cha is, but judging by the furious yelling she probably met our sister and brother and Luther is hard to kill. Trust me, if he wasn’t we would have killed him when we were like, eight. But for real, can you get out of our house? I mean. Storming the den? Seriously? What kind of information did they even give you?”

“They didn’t give us any information.” Hazel responds back, sounding appropriately outraged, “They didn’t even tell us you could teleport.”

“Well that’s just rude. You’d think they wanted you dead or something.” Five muses, “But seriously, get out of my house.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.” Hazel admits, and leaves, because honestly Hazel is chill like that and knows when he’s lost. And Hazel also has a lot to think about. Like the fact that the Commission sucks and doesn’t even have dental, and how pretty the donut lady is.

and Vanya is just like... okay. Weird. Is that going to happen again? Probably? I mean. Okay, this day has already been so goddamn weird. This week, honestly.

And they keep getting attacked by the Commission. And Vanya finds out someone broke into her apartment and stole her meds. What the fuck.

“Did your shitty assassin friends do this?” Vanya asks, waving an empty pill bottle.

“Why would they?” Five asks, honestly confused.

“Because they’re assholes?” Vanya says, honestly outraged.

“You got me there.” Five admits.

The combined forces of Diego-and-Patch (because Patch is actually thrilled that Diego is asking for help regarding an actual fucking crime) figure out that the eyeballs are being sold illegally

Klaus is not kidnapped so he’s fine, just tagging along and living his best life, however this also means that Klaus does not steal the briefcase and Hazel and Cha-Cha are fine

Vanya keeps Five close at hand because frankly she doesn’t want him to leave again and she did really miss him. Also if she does save the world she can lord it over Helen’s head forever.

And so Five is around when Vanya’s powers manifest, probably because they just got targeted by commission goons again because they’re trying real hard to kill five and separate Vanya

“Holy SHIT.” Five says, very intelligently, “You have POWERS.”

“Wow. Gonna have to write a fucking sequel to the shit-talking-dad book.” Vanya says, honestly a little light headed.

And then Vanya finds out her powers are sound based.

“Oh no.” Vanya says, “Where the fuck are my pills. I am not relearning how to play the violin with-powers a few days before the big concert Five, what the fuck.”

“But you need to learn to control them!” Five protests, “They’re your powers!”

“They’re a goddamn inconvenience is what they are.” Vanya states, “I mean, what am I going to do with them? Stop a bank robbery with the Umbrella Academy? Yeah, no thanks, that ship has sailed and sunk to the bottom of the ocean Titanic style. I’ll figure them out when I’m not in danger of blasting the audience halfway across the continent.”

“Yeah.” Five admits, “That’s fair.”

“Besides, if I’ve been on that shit as long as I have, and it’s been a long time, I cannot even IMAGINE what quitting cold turkey will do.” Vanya points out, very sensibly, like a siblings who has watched Klaus go through withdrawal symptoms more than once.

“Maybe there’s extra at the manor?” Five suggests, “Pogo probably knows.”

“Oh yeah I bet Pogo knows something.” Vanya mutters maybe a little bitterly.

They go back to the mansion and the Commission is honestly pulling their hair out tbh, and they ask Pogo who kind of pales and is like “UHHHH YES I CAN GET VANYA EXTRA PILLS” and goes to get them from whatever stash

“Fucking sweet.” Vanya whispers, entirely done with this situation, “The only adult male role model I had and he hid my powers from me and betrayed me. Love that for us.”

Five shrugs, “I mean, you’re right. All of our adult role models were all kinds of fucked up.”

“You vanished when we were 13.” Vanya says, “Didn’t you find like, any other adults ever?”

“Oh let me tell you about the Handler.” Five says, and proceeds to do just that. Because let’s be real, the Handler was the only human interaction Five had after forty odd years alone it was pretty damn important

Vanya, on the other hand, has strong plans to eviscerate the Handler should the two ever meet because Five deserved way better than to be forcibly made into an assassin?? honestly fuck that woman

that’s it that’s the au

Vanya finds out she has powers and is like “i have a LIFE i don’t want to interrupt it with bullshit POWERS,,, also going cold turkey off my meds seems like a bad idea if I don’t want to deal with withdrawal symptoms during my concert for fucks sake, my gf would never let me live it down if i skipped”

so vanya takes her meds, does NOT destroy the world, makes every one of her siblings go to the concert and even invites Hazel and Agnes after Hazel betrays Cha-Cha to join team No-Apocalypse.

and then introduces them all to her girlfriend

“Holy shit Vanya.” Helen deadpans, “Your family is all kinds of fucked up.”

“I know.” Vanya says, aggrieved, “It’s been a long fucking week. Want to go camping and help me figure out my cool sound based powers? Bet they’ll make me a better violin player than you.”

“I think the fuck not.” Helen hisses, always up for a challenge, “Let’s do this. Me and my violin vs. you and your dumb baby powers. You’re on.”

“FAMILY CAMPING TRIP.” Klaus hollers, with all the enthusiasm in his little heart.

“Holy shit this is going to be such a disaster, I just know it.” Diego mutters.

“Shut up, it’ll be nice.” Allison says, elbowing Diego with her pointy pointy elbows.

“It’s going to be a shitshow.” Vanya says serenely, because it is. That’s just who their family is.

Wouldn’t have it any other way, though

#rebel vanya au #vanya is a rebel with a cause #she's GAY she's got POWERS and she's NEW IN TOWN #vanya discovers her powers and is like 'nope no thank you' the au #i mean vanya was ALMOST like that in canon honestly #vanya and helen are enemies to lovers 500k slowburn orchestra au #vanya plays an extremely complicated piece flawlessly and then helen makes out with her in the concert hall broom closet #helen: i can't NOT fuck her #helen finds vanya's competence and confidence extremely sexy and it keeps her on her toes #vanya is honestly the same tbh with a side helping of 'my girlfriend can DESTROY you'#diego and vanya have matching 'reggie sux' friendship bracelets #allison would like to have a sibling relationship with vanya #allison: you could do better than helen #vanya: hell yeah I can i will wrench first chair away from her #helen: OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU WILL #vanya: I HAVE POWERS NOW JUST TRY ME #and then they make out and allison is left going... what??#far tua long #long post #ask game #headcanon game #Anonymous

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olivarryprompts · 3 years

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Fanfic Friday #12

Welcome to Fanfic Friday! Each Friday I post a new here and on A03. Enjoy x

Read and save it on A03 here https://archiveofourown.org/works/34123603

{whatever it is a scar rememebers}

Ships: Sam Wilson/Bucky Barnes

Warnings: mentions of underage drinking, smoking, swearing, mentions of canon typical violence. it's a fluff piece tho :)

“She’s just a little girl. Come on Buck, we have to help her,” Sam said, cuddling into Bucky’s side. “Sam, she’s, she’s our enemy.” “That depends on how you view it.” “Come on.” “Buck, please. She is just trying to make a statement. She hasn’t done any real bad yet.” “Yet, Sammy, see how you said yet. You know how much she is capable of.” “Yes, without our help and guidance. She’s just, just lost.” “I will always back you. Always. It’s not me you need to worry about.” “This is our mission. We get to decide how it gets done, the other avengers have their own.” “That’s directly ignorant of the fact we all need to sign off on mission plans. That’s the deal, that’s why we get to operate in our wide jurisdiction.”“Baby, step back. Look at this for real.” “I know Sammy, I swear. She’s just a girl, and you’ve always had more compassion than me. So convince all the Avengers and I will follow you wherever.” “I’m putting together the mission plan, and I will get it signed.” “Good. Now, can we please go to sleep.” “Yes. Love you.’ “Love you more.”The next morning when they awoke, Sam did not bother waking for Bucky to wake up. Naturally, when Bucky did wake he reached over for Sam and did not find him. Bucky panicked, they had fallen into an unbreakable routine. Sam would always wait up for him. What had happened to his boy? “Friday, is Sam okay?” he asked, panicked. “Yes, he is just on a run with steve. He asked me to inform you that he was planning to get Steve to sign first.” “Oh, oh, thanks Fri,” he said, and then under his breath muttered, “I’m going to kill him.” “Kill who?” Sam said, entering all sweaty. “Samuel Thomas Wilson, how dare you?” Buck said, only half joking. “What baby?” “I woke up without you next to me.” “Had things to do sweetheart,” Sam explained, changing into some sweatpants and a hoodie. “More important than cuddling me.” “Unfortunately so,” he said, putting deodorant on. “You're supposed to say nothing is more important than you.” “Buck, cut the melodramatics.” “Sam, you stole my morning cuddles from me. That is a serious offense.” Sam climbed back into bed and pulled bucky in. “You okay now?” “Yes.” “Got all the Avengers signatures.” Bucky just smiled. Sam and his determination. “When do we leave?” “Two days time. Flight out at 8 O’clock in the morning. We got intel Karli will be stationed in Latvia.” “Okay, guess we’re going then.” “Yes we are.”Somehow they ended up with Karli in custody, and as negotiated by Sam, she would be staying in the compound under his guidance, following a strict routine each day. “So, in the morning you will be woken at 8 am sharp. Breakfast is from 8-8:30, then your school day starts. School is from 8:30 till 2 Monday through Friday. After that there will be therapy for an hour. After that you have training for 2 hours. Any additional activities you wish to take can be negotiated.” “Sounds like hell,” she commented. “Hey it’s either this or prison, pick your poison.” “Oh how I wish it were poison. What does training mean?” “Learning to fight with control and releasing your anger.” “Sounds alright.” “Good.” “And I’m off the hook anytime after 5?” “Yes. Free to do what you wish on the compound. You’ve been fitted with a GPS, that’s the bracelet, and so you can’t really leave.” “Is this legal?” “Yes, very. Oh and you’re required to be at dinner, whatever time that may take place.” “Dinner?” “Avengers are a family, and we have family dinners. Sort of.” “That’s uncomfortable.” “Get used to it.” “No thanks.” “You need help getting settled in?” “Nope.”It was her third day and it was 8 in the morning and she was being woken up. “JUST FUCK OFF YOU STUPID MACHINE,” she yelled. Bucky almost instantly showed up at her door. “Aren't you supposed to be awake right now?” “Everyone needs to fuck the hell off before I beat the shit out of you.” “Alright girlie, calm down. I’m a super soldier too ya know.” “What the hell.” “Take a chill pill.” “Did you really just say that?” “Yes. Now what is going on? Use your big girl words.” “I swear to god.” “What?” “Everything is so goddamn structured

here. Family dinners are so awkward. Therapy is downright stupid, and school, school just sucks.” “Fair enough. It’s your own fault though.” “Huh?” “Shouldn’t have gone for the whole terrorist vibe. Anyway, the more days you complete, the more freedom you get. We have some kids in the compound. Get to know them, they’re a good time. Especially Peter. They have their own thing, and they have a good time together.” “Are you actually dumb? They don’t want to be my friend.” “On the contrary. Most of them understand youth discussion and want to make the world a better place.” “Everyone here is so nice, what the fuck. You’re supposed to hate me.” “I’ve done enough hating for a lifetime. Plus, everyone here is supposed to hate me, too. Turns out that’s not how it works. I’ve become a big brother, a boyfriend, a friend. They make you better, just let them. Let Sam. He really does care about you kid, he put in a real shift to get you here. He gets it.” “I-” “Don’t worry about words. Get ready for school, see you at breakfast a bit, yeah?” “Yeah.” she said hesitantly.Bucky went back into his and Sam’s room. “To think you said you were bad with kids.” “I- eavesdropper.” “More like an attentive listener.” “I just told her what she needed to hear.” “You made yourself vulnerable to make her feel less vulnerable.” “Sure, whatever.” Sam leant into Bucky for a kiss, glad to have him backing his plays. Always.After some time, Karli was seemingly getting the hang of this whole new life. She was saying more than a word per day, actually doing the work assigned to her, and finally she was speaking to some people around the compound. “Hey Karli, how’s the day?” Peter said, swinging round to the gym she was training at. “Yeah alright. How ‘about you spiderboy?” “Heyyyy it’s man.” “Sure, sure.’ “It was fine, too. Pretty easy to be honest.” “You’ve got to help me get this maths shit sorted.” “Wanna head to the lab?” “Gotta finish up two hours, almost done though.” “Haven’t you got a trainer?” “Yeah, used to. Prefer doing it alone, sparing with you and nat on occasion.” “Makes sense. Never liked the guy to be fair.” “See you in the lab in 20?” “Sure thing. Bring your books.” “Alright,” she said, and Peter began to leave. “Hey Peter.” “Yep?” “Thanks, really. For all of this.” “Course, your family now, aren't ya.” Karli just smiled. Then, once Peter had left, she let the few tears that were welling up fall.“Dinner’s in 10,” Sam said, entering the lab. “Fanks Sam.” “Yup.” “What do you think it is?” “One can only hope Loki cooked.” “Hmn. And that Doctor Banner didn’t.” Peter laughed then agreed. “We should go up and help with the set up,” Karli suggested. “Yeah sounds good. I’ll meet you up there, just gotta finish this blueprint” “See ya mate.” “See ya.”So, Karli was settling into her new life with her new people. It was scary. She wasn’t used to being cared for and looked after. If she drank too much one night, no one would care. If she smokes, no one gives a crap. If she never did her homework, it didn’t matter. Those things took some getting used to.“No, it is a big deal.” “It was a drunk night, come off of it Sam.” “Come off of it? What do you think this is?” “What? I’m legal in England, drunk all the time before.” “This ain’t before anymore. Plus, you are not legal in England, you’re seventeen.” “Yeah, I can get a drink at a pub with a parent's consent,” Karli muttered, fighting a meaningless battle. “Well you don’t have that consent.” “Good thing I don’t have a parent,” she rolled her eyes. “Come on kid! It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a parent, you have a family. A family that cares a lot about you. They don’t want you to drink to be happy or smoke and get yourself cancer. How hard is that to understand?” “We ain’t a family.” “What are we then? Last time I check we qualify for a stupid, messed up, family.” “Just fuck off about it,” she said, trying to end the conversation. “Why? Why Karli? Because it’s so hard to imagine that we love you and value you in our lives.” “Yes! All that shit!” “Oh for fuck sake. Bucky, then Steve, fucking

Peter, you’re all the same.” “What are you on about?” “You don’t think you deserve it.” “I-i-” “You don’t think you are good enough for all this.” “Cause I’m not! I’m not like you guys, I’m not good. I’m not a hero.” “Why? Because you were a kid and you made some dumbass mistakes. Because you’re more a pessimist than an optimist. Last time I checked, that does not make you a bad person.” “Whatever.” “Not whatever Karli. You did and do want to help people, that makes you a hero.” “Not how I did it.” “Maybe not. But how you are doing and how you will do it. That does. And none of that shit matters anyway, you belong here, with us. In this family. And you, more than anyone, deserve it.” “Fine.” “Fine?” “Yes, alright. Thank you,” Karli said, finally smiling, “Don’t get all sappy on me.” “Wouldn’t dream of it, kid.” “I love ya.” “I love you, too,” he said, giving her a hug. “We done with this self-hate thing?” “Workin on it, alright?” “Alright.” So, Sam left with a smile and headed downstairs to get some actual work done.

Read and save it here on A03 https://archiveofourown.org/works/34123603.

*Also this was posted many days late and it's deffo not a friday, sorry :)

#sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #sambucky fic #sam x bucky #found family #avengers fanfic #avengers family #fluff

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mihanada · 6 years

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Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation Liveblog(back to masterpost)

I have gone out of order and decided to blog my live reactions to the new chapters are they are released, and leave the retroactive review/reactions for the past chapters.

Potential spoilers for some things that haven’t been revealed yet, because I know a few of the reveals from later in the novel from my investigating lol.

Chapter 49: Aggression (Part 3)

I-I really want to know what happens after the flashbacks. For this whole novel so far, every time we hit a flashback I want to hurry up and return to the present to know what’s going to happen. But on a reread, I don’t want the flashbacks to end because they’re actually really great. Stories with a lot of flashbacks can grow too tedious if the writer isn’t careful, but I grow really fond of all of them once I go back and read everything at a slower pace.

Aaanyways, now might be a nice time to mention Mr. Headless Corpse aka Nie Mingjue is one of my favorite characters. I don’t know why?? He is a giant ball of anger and extreme EXTRA reactions like he is constantly flying off the handle it seems, but I just...really like his straightforward, gives-no-fucks attitude. He doesn’t stop for anything, and if it’s something he can’t forgive, he won’t back down- it’s his strength and probably his downfall, too.

And the fact that his sect had to come up with an elaborate burial grounds for their swords (well, they’re calling them sabers here to differentiate the type, I know). That was actually a pretty neat part of the story. Come to think of it, that was a while ago already, huh.

It still kills me that Wei Wuxian referred to him as “our dear friend” all this time though haha. god. that is way too innocuous to refer to this guy. Even half dead and literally at his enemy’s doorstep, he still finds it in him to rage and fight back.

Are these guys made of steel though or what?? I mean, I guess I’m not too surprised since xianxia seems to have originated from the general wuxia genre but yikes.

This is also the first appearance of Wen Ruohan. He’s only been mentioned once or twice before and, yeah, I can see why everyone wanted this dude dead. And the Wen clan or sect or whatever.

I...wonder...if I will like Jin Guangyao/Meng Yao any better on subsequent read throughs (i mean, I did end up liking Xue Yang as the villain he is for his arc). because right now I just want to reach into the screen and choke the life out of him.

I know that this part was him acting as a spy, but still. It’s a hard pill for Nie Mingjue to swallow, completely clashing with his personal ideology. And it’s also tough for Meng Yao at the time. Maybe if it had all ended here, because his actions at the time weren’t the nicest, but they were understandable and even necessary in terms of the war effort. It seems that he really was earnestly trying to prove and make something of himself during this part of his life.

Moving on...

How did Meng Yao manage to get out of there after striking at Wen Ruohan anyways. I mean, some of the other cultivators captured with Nie Mingjue were still alive I think, and quite a few Wen cultivators died when Nie Mingjue went a little berserk back there, but still.

It was quite interesting, narrative wise, how they set Jin Guangyao up as a nice, decent guy at first. Wei Wuxian didn’t have a negative opinion of him, so this all unfolds and. welp. he is the definition of a backstabber isn’t he. On one hand, you do feel kind of bad for him given what he went through, and on the other hand you want to throttle him. And even in this part, Nie Mingjue might think so, but his actions here aren’t irredeemable at all. Yet. Because we know he has Nie Mingjue’s head on his damn shelf in modern day and not to mention that he killed his own son and some how ends up causing the death of his wife, too.

All the makings of a good villain character, no?

Really, he does make a good villain. There are parts where you sympathize with him, and parts where he has taken things too far. It’s difficult to tell if he is ever being sincere with his words, too.

But. Nie Mingjue, you really do need to chill for, like. Two seconds. It’s no wonder he’s still roaming about after his death and even with his limbs scattered across the land. LOL he’s so extra I can’t even. “alright if it’s going to be ‘immoral’ to kill the guy who saved me then I’ll just kill myself after I kill him that’s fair right” who does that. who does that.

It’s kind of hilariously adorable how Meng Yao sees Lan Xichen and he’s like “a god from Heaven” lol.

AH. Lan Xichen called him A-Yao back then, huh. That says something...

Aww Wei Wuxian can you be more obvious. Can you. This is literally just Nie Mingjue’s memories and yet he brightens up at seeing Lan Wangji and he even calls out to him. “I miss you so much” ?? it hasn’t been that long since you last saw him in the real world lol.

Look at this. “He felt as though snow had begun to fall from the sky, drifting toward a hall illuminated by moonlight.” Who says this about their friend or whatever it is he thinks their relationship is at the moment. No one, I tell you, no one. god, WHEN WILL YOU TWO GET TOGETHER ALREADY (I know the answer, actually...still, can't wait.)

haha “No wonder others had always stared and exclaimed with such a sight.” yes but...this doesn’t excuse that Wei Wuxian still gets so happy seeing Lan Wangji in a memory that he even calls out to him lol. and it’s not because he has such a pleasant expression, it’s still described as “cold” and the sort to keep people at a distance.

these two are just. such an adorable couple I can’t even.

But anyways. LOL. Wei Wuxian looking back on his younger self...even he thought he was insufferable. I’m surprised. He even feels a bit ashamed of himself and his attitude when he was younger.

lol so. Lan Wangji has obviously liked him for a long time, whether or not he realized it himself. in this part when his brother says “Why are you still here?” and asks why he hasn’t gone to talk to Wei Wuxian yet....so Lan Xichen had realized he was fond of him already? xD I mean, he is able to read his younger brother's nonexistent facial expressions the best so.

but omgg the little moments like Lan Wangji wanting to say something to Wei Wuxian, or wanting to go over...if only you knew, Wei Wuxian, if only you knew. they're so cute. ^^

Ok, it’s a good thing I reread the other chapters or else I would’ve completely forgotten who Jin Zixuan was...

...Why is the QingheNie Sect’s place called the ‘Unclean Realm’...?

Aw, ok. Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao are cute. What could have been, what could have been.

LOL. LAN XICHEN PLAYED THAT SONG TO CALM NIE MINGJUE’S TEMPER HAHAHA. I guess the music therapy helped a bit, but Nie Mingjue is. well. a little too much for music alone to quell.

I just sort of read the last few scenes and didn’t stop lol. Nie Mingjue can be an ass, that’s for sure, but his outbursts are somehow great fun to read. It’s kind of a wonder he hasn’t given himself high blood pressure by now.

So, Jin Guangyao makes some interesting points here about not having the luxury to act in the 'righteous way' because of his position in society vs. Nie Mingjue's, and that's actually very interesting. This is long enough of a post so I think I'll unpack this all at a later date!

(quotes from ExR’s translations)

← back・onward →

#gdc aka the liveblog of TEARS

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taekwonduh · 7 years

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Don’t Forget, Pt. 2

Summary: “It is okay if you do not remember me, I can do the remembering. But in a world where I hold absolutely no place in your life, not even as the girl who knew your name before your face, I think it would be a place too cruel to live in.”

Characters: Jungkook, (she/her) Reader, Taehyung

Tags: Angst, romance, food for thought

Memo (Prologue), Pt. 1, Pt. 3

You have been awake for six hours.

But it is now, only now, that you believe you are truly awake, because for a dream to hurt this much, it could only be reality.

You have closed the book, now it sits sullenly at the edge of your desk, whereas your spine grates painfully against the wall you lean on while hunched on your bed, curled to your knees, trying to find some sort of explanation for the blow dealt to you from a single mysterious book alone. The sky gets dark. You find none. There is nothing in your mind but the echo of the first words you had brought yourself to read from that book.

good morning! so glad you found your way to this. (you don’t always pick it up and days are bad when you don’t.) anyways, please do read to the end, you need every memory you can get out of this. - 12.03.14

There are many questionable things about the message, but none are quite as chilling as the numbers written at the bottom. You don’t want to think that they signify the date, but the arrangement could hardly mean anything else. You don’t want it to be the date, because-

Because it is three years into the future.

At this point, when you have barely skimmed the surface of what you hope is an elaborate prank pulled by Taehyung to celebrate your recovery, it is easy to write it off as bullshit and be done with it. Yet you have to admit that you are so very curious, so very eager to learn why it had elicited such a response from you, to understand what it meant by needing every memory you could get out of it.

For a joke, it is quite a stretch for Taehyung’s usual capabilities, and he is known to pull some seriously ridiculous pranks. But if it’s not a joke, what else could it be? A time slip? A warning from your future self? That sort of thing only happened in movies. Perhaps if you confronted him about it, it would all just end in playful mock and laughter.

But what if it isn’t his prank? What then? Knowing him, it would escalate into a suspected stalking because which person from outside of town could know your address so accurately? Taehyung would murder anyone that stood in his way of getting to the bottom of it, and losing the book to the authorities when you have barely learned about it does not seem like a good plan for you. You want to know why this book had raised such emotions in you, and even deeper down, you foolishly hope that it might provide some sort of answer to your dreams.

For now, you decide, grasping the thick leather in your palm, reading on and finding out more would be the logical option.

you turn twenty-one this christmas. remember to give family and friends a phone call! - 21.01.16

Your nails dig anxiously into the cover of the book. Christmas is in fact the day you turn a year older. You might be friendly with quite a fair bit of people in the town, but only a handful are aware of your birthdate, much less your actual age. The elderly view all young people as the same after all. And when you calculate it, the year 2016 is the year you turn twenty-one, but that is five years from now. Why does anyone need to be reminded of how old they’d be five years later?

“Y/N!”

Your door swings open with vigour. You flinch violently on your bed, book falling out of your lap. When you realise who it is, you take the chance to bury it under your covers.

“Taehyung, knock.”

The boy laughs it off, slightly breathless from probably running up the stairs to your room. His hair is damp, and your room is suddenly filled with the smell of his usual shampoo, it gets stronger, mixing slightly with body lotion, when he saunters in and plunks himself on your beanbag. Freshly showered Taehyung is your favourite kind of Taehyung, mostly because it reminds you of your earlier years with him, when you were both no taller than the light brown fences that marked the perimeters between your home and his.

“Knew I’d scare you. Did you take your medicine?”

“Not yet… I still don’t understand why I need medicine. I was only sleeping for a long time.”

Taehyung clucks his tongue, pulling himself up when he hasn’t even sat that long to bring you the white plastic bag that contained your prescribed pills.

“They’re for before you slept for two weeks. Anti-depressants. The doc said they’ll work better with therapy, but let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.”

When Taehyung punches a pill out from the foil, you obediently open your palm for him.

“I’m not depressed.”

He hands you a mug of water. "You tried to kill yourself.”

“I didn’t.”

“Oh yeah you didn’t, you were just taking a swim, right? Except you weren’t moving? Maybe you thought the lake was a hot tub or something. Just wanted a nice, good soak?”

Your eyebrows pinch. ”What is your problem?“

Taehyung squeezes himself onto the bed, looking just as pissed off and ready to rebuke you. His lips part, but he stops short, and within seconds his eyes have softened, jaw losing tension. "I just- I can’t imagine losing you to something like… like that.”

“I know how it feels.”

Now he breaks into a short half-laugh, half-scoff. “And how would you know? I wasn’t the one who threw myself off the pier.”

“I just… I just do.”

“Alright.” You don’t quite like it when Taehyung’s voice goes tender. It only ever comes out in contexts like this one, when both of you have crossed a line and he is the one that lets you win. “Since you know how horrible that feeling is, be good and take your medicine. We’ll work something out if we have to.”

“Well, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Are you keeping things from me? Things that bother you?”

With the released tension between you two, Taehyung allows himself to hitch up from the edge to a position closer to you. He mimics your posture, leaning against the wall beside you, your shoulders, arms and legs pressed flush together. For a moment, he gives you a look that is both playful and brotherly, it reassures you, and gives you comfort that he is here, that he is with you.

But he ruins everything when he knocks your foreheads together, cackling like a boy at your pained expression.

“I’ll let you know when I think of something!”

“Don’t!” You retort, rubbing the side of your head as you glare at him from under your hand, “I’m not interested in knowing anymore.”

“You petty little thing.” He joins you in relieving the ache, thumb rubbing circles where your fingers previously were, but he ends up ruffling your hair into a tangled mess. Probably on purpose. You bat his hand away, and he laughs even more, putting the matter aside when he pulls out his cellphone and puts it between you, “Come on, I have something to show you. Jaegeun got drunk for the first time the other day. It was a mess.”

“You went drinking while your best friend was in a coma?”

“Semi coma. And no, I didn’t drink. Just popped by to watch because it was so damn hilarious. Look!”

When Taehyung is bent on getting your attention, there is little you can do to wiggle out of it. And so although the book is not deeply hidden, you manage to forget about it for the night as Taehyung shows you video after video of all the things you’ve missed out about your friends during the two weeks you were held captive by unconsciousness.

The two of you are almost always together, the longest you have gone apart being a week when Taehyung and his family travels up the country to visit his university student brother in the capital. Now you suppose the new record is the two weeks you ‘slept’ away; the period was long, and you were right there with him, as he was with you, but those two weeks that slipped through your fingers like sand felt like the furthest you have ever been away from him. As if the dream you spent two weeks dreaming had been years living in another world.

You suppose that is why you find yourself missing him even now as you are together, like your reunion had been five years overdue, the moment you returned to the world and once more met with the chocolate brown eyes filled with adoration for you. You say you know what it feels like to lose him, because perhaps in one of the dreams that you cannot remember, you already have.

At this point you can’t quite be sure how often you and Taehyung meet up, but right now it feels like a lot. It has been three weeks since your discharge, and more than half of the time is spent with Taehyung and a few other friends. You have always been around each other, that you know, but somehow spending time with him now feels a little different.

He does not stick himself to you, no, Taehyung is much too prideful for that, but no matter what you do, or where you find yourself, be it within the center of the group or at the outskirts, you feel his guard, his protection. At any one moment when you look up, you will find his eye on you. They are not glaring nor heavy, but rather, soft and tender, like a father that watches over his daughter. It is obvious that this has to do with your 'incident’, and maybe, it is his way of 'keeping a closer eye on you’ as he mentioned before. You appreciate him, of course, but it also makes you feel terribly rotten on the inside/

You find yourself smiling more, smiling wider and laughing louder, and when you peek at the relieved purse of his lips that grows more evident over time, you can feel his anxiousness over you drop. But while that dilutes the debt you think you owe him, the rotten feeling does not go away. Your cheeks cramp, your lips twitch and your feet scrape heavily against the pavement- you are so very exhausted, but at least you are able to make him worry a little less.

This is what Taehyung meant by sharing a love that is self-destructive, you suppose. There is no middle way with you two, you are two lighted matches in a race to see which one burns out first. You hope it is you. Taehyung would be the one to bear the weight of living without you, but at least you are not around to watch. It would kill you otherwise.

“High school starts in one week."

You are curled in the hammock on Taehyung’s front porch, a mug of ice cold rice punch in your hand and a battery-powered fan in the other. Summer beats down on your neighbourhood, there is hardly anyone on the streets, all gone to take shelter in the cool comfort of their homes. Taehyung’s room has gotten too stuffy from just the fan alone (his aircon has broken down), so the two of you have escaped to the shades outside.

Taehyung is on the steps a few feet away, wearing sunglasses, his own rice punch beside him on the floor. You watch dazedly as the condensation droplets slide tantalizingly down the surface of the glass mug, accumulating a wet stain on the wood it rests upon.

"Don’t remind me,” the boy grumbles, thumbs flying across the keyboard of the latest iPhone 4s. “Just thinking about it is giving me major vacation withdrawals.”

You roll over on your hammock to stare up at the roof. It is a shade of brown coated in dust that you are quite familiar with. “You’re being dramatic,” you say, feeling a cloud of drowsiness loom over you. It must be the heat.

“Don’t tell me you’re excited for school to start?”

“I’m not, but… this vacation feels kind of long too, doesn’t it?”

“You’re weird.” You can sense his commitment to the pointless conversation slowly dwindling, but you are much too sleepy to rebuke him for paying more attention to his phone than you. Your eyelids have just fallen shut when he suddenly yelps an alarming oh my God, and you are falling over the hammock and scrambling over to see what’s up.

“Rohwan just texted.” The moment you come to his side, his hand has gripped your forearm, fingers easily going full circle around it as he pulls you closer to his phone screen. “There’s a new guy in town. He moved in to West End yesterday, he’s our age, and Rohwan saw him in a Juhan uniform!”

You raise a judging brow, subtly wondering if the boy has always been this dramatic, or he has just become more inclined to such reactions after nearly losing you in the recent incident. Losing interest immediately, you drone, “and sooooo…?”

“We haven’t had a new face in six years, and he’s from Juhan, Y/N, that’s a school in Busan.”

Oh. Your eyes go full circle in their sockets, and you shake off Taehyung’s grip. Daegu-Busan rivalry is a concept that should only exist in dramas, it was such a shallow rivalry that you doubted anyone in real life would actually believe it. You’ve obviously doubted wrong. Taehyung is absolutely gobbling this news up.

“Tae, are you serious? Daegu and Busan have nothing against each other. That’s old people belief.”

“Okay, forget the cities, I was looking our school up the other day, Haesan and Juhan High have been baseball rivals since the eighties. That’s twenty years of tension! So here’s the thing, Juhan is comprised of both a middle and high school, so what is the new guy doing not sliding into the high school that he’s already affiliated to and enrolling into Haesan?”

Somewhere along Taehyung’s gossip-girl rant, you find yourself already plopped down beside him to listen. “How do you know he’s going to attend Haesan?”

“Rohwan saw him in the uniform shop. Dressed in Juhan but shopping for Haesan? Scandalous.”

“There are plenty reasons for someone to move cities. Maybe his dad got a job transfer? Or rent was cheaper here? Maybe he got sick of the smell of sea salt?”

“But Juhan…” This is when you realise Taehyung is no longer listening, and your warning goes unheeded even when you glare at him, jaw-slackened in girlish offense as he types an eager response to Rohwan’s texts. Frustrated by the lack of attention, Taehyung’s ignored mug of rice punch is taken into your hands, palm rubbing back and forth on the wet surface to smother his cheeks in gross lukewarm water. Taehyung screeches.

Then you’re racing around the porch in a game of cat and mice; you scramble across the lawn squealing out defeat, but Taehyung just warns for you to run while you can, covering the same distance with two long-legged strides, he leaps over his own fence and gains leverage over you because you’re not tall enough to jump and have to use the gate.

You’ve run down three houses when your lungs encounter a hiccup, suddenly strained for breath, you’re forced to come to a stop, bending over as you heave and cough. Taehyung catches up to you in seconds, laughing and pulling you upright.

“Jesus, I nearly forgot you were asthmatic!” He taunts, grabbing you carefully but firmly around the arm and helping to straighten your back, forgetting all about revenge. “Easy now, deep breaths.”

You level out your breathing following Taehyung’s instructions, the boy is concerned, but still manages to laugh at you about karma. The knot in your lungs untangles eventually, and though he seems to have put the matter of his wet cheeks aside, you certainly haven’t. When his guard his fully down and he’s ready to head back to the house, you burst up and jump onto his back, howling with laughter and rubbing your knuckles into his skull. “Pick one! Your phone or your best friend, huh?”

Taehyung’s whining and groaning throughout your noogie, floundering and staggering with your weight on him and your merciless devilish ministrations.

“Ow! Ow- okay! Shit, alright I pick you! I’ll always pick you!”

“Be careful kids! You’re on the road!”

Your heads lift to the first floor window of the house across the street, behind which the twins’ mother stands, armed with a spatula. Her eyes are scolding but her fond grin gives her away. Taehyung apologizes for the both of you and returns to the sidewalk with you on his back. It is only when you arrive at your white fences that he pops you down.

The run has gotten you both perspiring, sticky skin warmed by the mid-afternoon sun. Your shirt clings to your back, sweat drips down the side of your face, you’re breathless and tired, but you’re smiling and Taehyung’s smiling back- years from now, this moment is one you want to always remember.

Don’t forget, Y/N, don’t forget.

High school begins tomorrow.

“We have twelve hours until we’re back to the routine of waking up at five and having our asses stuck in a plastic chair for eight hours straight.”

It is five o’ clock. You’ve just returned from a very early dinner with your mother at the diner on the edge of town when you chance upon Taehyung in the hammock. He’s dressed exceptionally special when you see him, too special to just be lazing around on his front porch.

“Did you forget the hour-long commute during morning rush hours?” You respond lightly, grinning ear to ear when the boy emits a comical high pitched whine. Gesturing for your mother to head inside without you, you stop to converse with the boy from the sidewalk. “Are you heading somewhere?”

“Yeah. Dinner with the boys. Where are you coming back from?”

“Dinner too. Mum and I ate early because I wanted to go to the pier. I was thinking of asking you along.”

Though you are quite a distance away, leaning on the outside of his fence, it does nothing to mask Taehyung’s snap to attention. He bolts upright from his lying position, staring right back at you with unusually wider eyes. His jaw is set, his lips pressed to a neutral line.

“Are you sure about it?”

“Yeah.” You know what he’s referring to, but in all honesty the pier does not bode anything negative to you like Taehyung thinks it does. You want to reassure him of that. “I mean, it’s just the pier, right?”

“Yeah.” He holds your gaze, unwavering and full of depth. You try to smile. “Just the pier."

"Is eight okay? Is it too early?”

The boy shakes his head. “Eight is fine. I’ll meet you there.”

“Right.” You push off from the fences, angling your body towards your own home.

“See you there.”

When you return to your bedroom, the silence is more static than you are used to. Something weighs in your chest, something is always weighing down in there, but this one feels oddly tangible. It’s something you can’t shake off even after changing into your comfiest pair of t-shirt and shorts and curling up amidst freshly laundered sheets, but you refuse to brood on your last day of vacation.

The right drawer of your desk is more eye catching than ever in the rare moments that you are left alone. It is where that book has been sitting, out of sight and therefore out of mind, for the past three weeks after you had read the first page of it. Ever since Taehyung’s interruption that evening, you have willed yourself to put the book and all the complicated thoughts it brought to your head away, having convinced yourself to deem it a prank or delivery gone wrong despite the odds.

But your curiosity about it’s’ background had not yet died out. You think that if you allow this loose end to carry forward into your beginning at a new school, you would be left feeling like you had left one shoe stuck in the mud. And before long you find your fingers curled around the knob of your drawer, the book in your lap and the hours going by.

i think you should move out. mum is working herself to the bones trying to take care of you and paying for therapy. you can take care of yourself as long as you have this book. mum won’t be around forever. - 07.06.13

don’t worry, i will take care of you. love, mum - 18.07.11

three years ago you were diagnosed with anterograde amnesia. a car accident, they said. although you can’t remember how it happened. the therapist suggested you make this scrapbook to help you keep track of things. - 12.03.14

it’s your first day in your new apartment. someone has left post-it notes next to your pillow saying that you should check out this scrapbook. you know everything now. and you know you should read this book again tomorrow. aunt lives fifteen minutes away, she’ll look out for you. call her if you need anything. - 22.03.14

The weight in your chest grows to a point where it physically aches. You are a third’s way in to the book when a chime from your phone thankfully interrupts you. It’s Taehyung. He says he’ll be fifteen minutes late at least, and it’s a quarter to eight o’ clock when you decide its best to set things aside and head to the pier.

The book is hurting you and you know that, you only cannot figure out why. The accounts it holds is too detailed, too personal, to possibly be a prank. It feels so real, but also so unbelievable. And it reminds you a lot of your dreams- always altered, but always surreal.

It feels ridiculous to contemplate the possibilities, but the theory on it being from the future is eating away at you as the car engines die out to crickets singing in the trees, neon lights on shops giving way for muted silver moonlight. The hustle and bustle of the town’s busier district is replaced, after a near twenty minute walk, by the crystal clear sloshing of water against the shore. Soon, you have arrived at the pier, a canvas of black and a crackly reflection of the crescent moon against it.

Perhaps you’ve been watching too many movies, but the oddities are beyond reasonable explanations. How and why are the two crucial factors to this book being delivered to your address specifically. Nothing but a crack in reality, a slip in time, could explain why this book details the daily accounts of an amnesiac from the future. And it chills you to the bone that this book could very well be yours.

A crunching leaf snaps you to attention. The pier is a place of solace that is more than familiar to you and the youths of your town, but being that far out from commotion where street lamps are not always functional keeps you on your guard.

Scraping of soles against asphalt then turns to resounding footsteps on the wooden floorboards that make up the pier. You try to seek a face on the other end, one that you hope is Taehyung’s or someone just as friendly, but the lighting is scarce and your poor eyesight renders you no aid. The footsteps get louder, and soon a silhouette that is tall and fairly built becomes clear in your limited field of vision.

You could only assume the man had noticed your presence, for the footsteps then stop short, and the silhouette is no longer in motion.

“Sorry,” he says, in a tone the hints nervousness and genuine apology, like he’d wandered into territory that he knew was not his, “didn’t think there’d be anybody here.”

From the first word alone, his voice had sent a devastating jolt to your heart, one that leaves you breathless, incapacitated, absolutely stumped. You lose the instinct to breathe, and all you know is that this is a voice you have heard before, this is a voice that-

“Jungkook…?”

The floorboards creak, the silhouette advances and a face is illuminated by moonlight. Your knees nearly buckle.

“How do you know my name?”

#btswriters #btsmaknaenet #bts scenarios #bts angst #bts fanfic #jungkook #jaeworks #this is so fucking overdue lmfao

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seamonster · 6 years

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this month but one year ago, in comparison. from my old diary blog v intense v personal

start from bottom. REVERSE Chronological order, random days throughout the month -------------------------------------- second guessing all my “parenting” decisions is this week’s theme for myself and everyone else apparently. i’ve also found that when i’m unsure, i ask myself “when they’re older and reflecting on my decisions, what will they think if i [x] right now” and idk if that’s smart or just part of that shit i do where i am just viewing things from a mile away instead of living the things in the moment.. ------- cousin today listed off some meds and weird mental side effects. flonase causes him to be short-tempered and snap at people, supposedly. i know physical side effects too fucking well, and i know suicidal ideation as a side effect but……… i’m stupid apparently and didn’t consider actual mood issues like that. i need to experiment i guess. what if zyrtec is what makes me hate myself…. hahahaaa sure (actually pls i hope not, i would hate myself more if i found out that i’ve been hating myself all this time because of an allergy pill) ------- how can you tell someone you could never love them a tenth as much as they love you, without sounding horrible? i really wish i could… it’d be most convenient… how am i capable of feeling all emotions except love. i don’t feel like a robot all the time or anything, i just… don’t know how to experience love? how to desire physical companionship? how to be romantic or loving? i know how to love my friends and how to want to be around them… i do really get a lot out of companionship in daily activities, confiding in people, whatever… but dates??? romance??? sounds useless to me. why can’t i just have a best friend lifemate, why do people have to want more than i can give them ------- talking to my cousin about his bipolar. i don’t talk to him a lot and pretty sure he doesn’t know that i Get It but i thought it was important to talk to him. he tells his parents everything tho so i didn’t say much. when he started talking, he had the exact same fucking thing i do… the really stiff cold “testing the waters” internally panicking thing where your voice gets a lil hollow. it’s a thing every queer person does when gay topics come up in mixed company, tbh… anyway, he talked a little abuot it. made me wish he wasn’t a raving homophobic obsessively-transphobic conservative. he told me his coping tips, fresh out of therapy, which i had already noticed him doing but didn’t tell him.

------- why can’t i care about anyone or anything why can’t i feel feelings ------- talking with doctor about what to do for things going on mentally, specifically because i need to be okay for the girls for a little bit. at least for two more years. i guess. weed was helping in many ways but lately causing more social paranoia? don’t know what’s up with that. not happy with it. haven’t been drinking much which seems to be doing good for me. ------- idk still thinking about it and i mean. it was totally fair. i am an asshole yeah but that doesn’t change the fact that everyone else is too. ------- maybe none of that is fair and i’m just an asshole maybe it’s fair but i’m still an asshole and tbh i do get why no one would want to be there for me lmao and aforementioned friend can really there for me, he’s just emotionally stunted and doesn’t know how to do anything, but he tries, sometimes, right ------- but tbh it’s just another saga in the age-old classic called “i’m there for everyone no matter fucking what but no one can make time for me” (sometimes appended “unless they want to bone”) ------- to expand on yesterday……….. friend is being really fucking weird and annoying lately and it makes me feel crazy and small. because he is specifically acting like i am crazy, and small. he prides himself on being ~~just a chill ass dude with no time for drama~~, which combined with how easily influenced and ignorant on all topics he is, leads to flipping the fuck out and running in the opposite direction anytime anyone has a single solitary emotion? like………. emotionally stunted is right. he’s the sweetest person but a total dudebro …. and anyway ????????? he knows shit is happening in my life and this apparently makes it impossible to treat me like a regular human, so instead he looks at me with a furrowed brow and then looks at someone else with that “is she gonna be cool” or “god damn i don’t have time for this” or “jesus look at this poor pathetic bitch” look on his dumb face. i love him to fucking pieces but i wish he didn’t pull this shit because i can not fucking handle being treated like i’m a tiger on a leash. if he doesn’t want to hang out with me, he just doesn’t have to. it’s that fucking simple. i really would not care if they went out without me. but if they go out without me and purposely hide it from me??? what is that shit???? that is not even healthy ???? what kind of person do they think i am??? i really don’t understand this. i don’t want sympathy… empathy is a cool trait i wish some folks had but even more than empathy, i just want to be treated like a human who isn’t LESSER THAN for having shit fucking happening ------- i got home tonight and started crying because who i am, to anyone… my best friend used to look at me like i was the sun and stars, smart and cool… now it’s more like starving orphan. a bad development of 2017. ------- i keep smoking indoors like a fucking weeny. bad? probably. i don’t want to fucking get up and go outside. at least i’m alive what more do you want from me

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