#but I spent the entire time being anxious about what other people saw

[vanwritesfan-fiction]

Anonymous: Emotional Jack head cannon

Emotional Jack Headcanon

Anger: You have rarely seen Jack angry. Frustrated and annoyed, plenty of times, but it takes a lot for him to physically show anger. Your strongest memory of him angry is when Brooklyn was barely a day old. You were in the hospital stressed and anxious because you had barely held your daughter for 30 minutes before they were taking her away for tests and no one was telling you anything. The rush of hormones and the last 24 hours of giving birth were too much, and you were inconsolable. Jack watched you get blown off by the nurses one time too many before he had enough. “WHO THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO PAY TO GET MY WIFE SOME ANSWERS? TELL ME HOW MUCH, AND I’LL PAY IT” You could hear him yelling at the nurses station from your room. He had the entire labor and delivery floor terrified, but you immediately got to see your daughter again. Jack saw red when it came to you and Brooklyn being upset, and he’d do anything to make sure you weren’t hurting anymore.

Happiness: Jack rarely allows himself to be truly happy. He’s always moving forward, wanting more, because he’s afraid the things that make him happy will slip away if he lets his guard down. The first time he met you, he remembered being unapologetically happy. You were just so full of life and kindness, and he knew he’d do anything to make you his. He wanted to be a better man for you. At first your relationship was so easy and natural, but his insecurities started to creep in, and his grip on your relationship tightened. He was short with you one night, his frustrations about losing you bubbling to the surface, but you just wouldn’t give in. Every dagger he threw at you, you met him with compassion, something he didn’t think he deserved. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get through it together.” He replayed your words in his head every time he became insecure, and he felt the walls he built start to fall. He’s allowed himself to feel happiness with you ever since.

Love: Loving Jack is easy. He’s kind, humble and treats you they way you always wished your previous boyfriends would have. Where other people may tell you he loves you, Jack shows it. In the way that he checks in with you to make sure you’re okay, or you feel his protective touch when you’re out in public. You never have to wonder where his loyalty lies, and you never second guess your relationship when you’re together. Its loving him at a distance that can be difficult, and it’s almost broken you two apart many times. It’s not that you think he’ll cheat on you while he’s on the road, but the weeks of loneliness are hard to deal with, and a phone call doesn’t replace a physical body laying next to you at night. He knows his career is hard on you, and is forever grateful that you are understanding.

Sadness: Jack really opened up to you while he was recording JACKMAN. It was a project that was more emotional and raw than any of his previous albums and he covered some very dark topics that you never thought he would allow the public to witness. It was a reminder to you that even when you love someone with your entire soul, your love does not rid them of their own sadness and internal struggle. “What can I do to help you, baby?” you asked him the night after his GMA performance, a point where he felt his lowest. You knew he didn’t have an answer for you, but it was your way of telling him that you were here for him, and you were going to walk through this together.

Fear/Anxiety: The first time Brooklyn was sick as an infant, Jack was truly scared. She was so small and helpless, and there was nothing he could do to help her. She spent days in the hospital with pneumonia, and he spent most of his time thinking his time with his best friend was going to be short lived. He was by her side the entire time, giving you time to rest, and he would talk to her, telling her stories about how amazing her mom was, and all of the things he couldn’t wait to do with her. “I need you, so you can’t leave us yet.” His heart was pounding out of his chest, and until now he realized he had never loved anything as much as he loved Brooklyn. She was a part of him, taking up space in his heart that could never be replaced with anything else. That scared the crap out of him. As she got better and was able to come home, he knew he would do anything to protect his little family.

#jack harlow #jackman thomas harlow #jack harlow x reader #jackharlow #jack harlow concepts #jackman harlow #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow fanfic

[pikatrainer99]

So...I figured I should probably elaborate on Kieran after my last reblog so you all get where I'm coming from with my stance on him...

(Basically the TLDR of this post is this: I like Kieran much better when he's like this, look how happy he is, it's adorable 🥺)

(He legit terrifies me when he's like this though...😖)

My thoughts on him changed drastically throughout my playthrough of the DLC multiple times...and I'm gonna explain why.

First, when I first met him in the Teal Mask, I thought he was an adorkable socially awkward shy bean and I loved him because I'm very much the same way. Being (what seemed to me like) his first friend reminded me of how much of my childhood I spent friendless and the joy I felt at finally having one friend back in my last year of elementary school. As the Teal Mask story went on though, Kieran started to change...and I didn't know how to feel about the direction his character was headed...because it triggered traumatic memories in me...memories of that friend I had finally made...well...one day suddenly revealing that the friendship was never genuine and that they hated me the whole time, and they betrayed me...in a HARD-HITTING WAY...completely out of the blue, too...I had no idea what was happening with them or what I had done to deserve that awful treatment, but it didn't matter because I still got that treatment. I'm not going to go into the details because it's still terrifying to think about...but it was BAD...bad enough that I have severe PTSD because of this person. So, as you might expect from what I just told you, the way Kieran just suddenly turned on me in the Teal Mask story really made me have to make sure to use my coping skills and calming strategies in order to not have a PANIC ATTACK over a VIDEO GAME. And the ending of the Teal Mask where Kieran seemed to HATE me made me feel really scared for the Indigo Disk story and I tried my best to not think about it too much until it came out because I always felt nauseous if I thought about it. And even when it came out it took me a long time to be able to bring myself to finally play it... Kieran's new look reminded me even more of my real life friend turned bully I mentioned above, who also changed their look and even dyed their hair to a similar purple-ish color after the whole incident (yes I know Kieran didn't dye his hair, it's naturally purple-ish underneath, but my point still stands, it was similar enough to trigger me further), and I had a panic attack over it when I saw it in the trailer before the Indigo Disk came out. My thoughts were basically 'This is middle school all over again...' and I was not looking forward to facing the memories again, it was making me feel more and more anxious and sick as each day passed and it got closer to the release of the Indigo Disk. I also had more and more nightmares about that real life person which made me more and more tired and irritable, so that was not fun either. But...I knew I had to play it eventually, so to prepare myself for my own playthrough, I decided to prepare myself both physically and mentally by watching other people's playthroughs of the story first...multiple times. You have no idea how relieved I was when I found out that the story had a happy ending and Kieran was able to snap out of it, feel serious remorse, and resolve to change his ways and make everything right again. As you can probably guess from how visceral my reactions to this entire thing were, that did NOT happen with my real life friend turned bully...I'm pretty sure that individual still hates my guts to this day and I still to this day have absolutely NO CLUE what I did to make them turn on me so viciously like that. Anyway, I watched probably ten or twelve playthroughs on YouTube before I finally worked up the courage to play it myself. I finally finished it yesterday and I am glad that everything ended all well and good. I am so relieved and I am back to being a Kieran fan again now that he is back to his normal adorkable self. Now I only have the epilogue left to do in Violet and then I have to go through the entire DLC again in Scarlet...but I think I'll be fine for the DLC playthrough in Scarlet now that I've experienced everything in Violet.

So yeah, lots of complicated emotions and visceral reactions and stuff with my view of this fictional video game character...but I couldn't help it since he was a legit PTSD trigger for me during the last bit of the Teal Mask and the majority of the Indigo Disk...at least he's back to normal now though.

Anyway, what are you guys' thoughts on Kieran? How did you react throughout his arc? Which look do you like better on him, hair up or down? Feel free to let me know your thoughts on Kieran in the comments below!

#pokemon #pokemon sv #the teal mask #the indigo disk #kieran #this character is complex and i like that pokemon is making more complex characters... #...but kieran legit TERRIFIED me for a while #and i wanted to explain my thoughts and feelings on this subject and character #kinda long post #pika talks

[cilil]

Would you ever write for another fandom (non-tolkien)? 🧐

Thanks for the ask!

The quick answer is yes, but also no. Here's why.

Generally I always have one main fandom that takes up the vast majority of my fixation and that I write for. There are always other fandoms too that I will sometimes visit to see what's going on and what stuff they're making, but in those I'm as much of a ghost as I used to be in Silm when I first got into it. Basically nobody sees me, nobody knows me, nobody realizes I'm there and quietly reading fic and looking at art.

In recent times, now that I'm more used to sharing what I create and interacting with fandoms, I've strongly considered branching out and maybe writing a fic or two for other stuff I enjoy, however...

I'm not comfortable writing for things before I haven't gotten DEEP into the entire thing

I'm picky with fandoms due to past issues

Let me explain.

As for the first thing, I know that many people are eager to jump right in when they find a new thing they enjoy and go right to creating fanwork and let me be very clear, that's awesome and as always you do you. But I'm both a curious kat and anxious so I need time to get to know the characters, gobble up the entire lore and make up my mind about stuff. My anxiety and perfectionism demand that I get at least a decent, if not good grasp of everything first so I get it "right".

(I do realize that there are probably a whole bunch of people out there who think my Silm takes are shit and I'm ruining this or that character and getting things wrong, but in this case I can look back at years of reading, research and headcanons, so... by all means, that's a fight we can have. I can stand my ground here.)

Again, not saying this is the right or better way, that's just how I prefer to engage with media and create for it.

As for the second thing, I'm very picky when it comes to deciding which fandoms I want to create and share writing for. No, before anyone gets any ideas, this is not about numbers. And if you don't believe me: If it was about numbers, I certainly wouldn't have spent yesterday evening writing about Mr. Manwë Súlimo out of all the Tolkien characters ;)

The main thing I look at in fandoms are their vibes, particularly how chill they are with stuff. If it's a fandom that's currently blowing up, there tend to be some pearl clutchers and bad actors coming in, so I stay out. If I see a lot of controversy, like character bashing or ship hate or bullying and harassment, I'm not willing to create for that fandom. For example I recently watched another episode of a series I'm currently enjoying (some of you may know what I'm talking about...) and then I saw several comment threads going like "these characters are totally sibling-coded" and leading into "I can't believe people ship this" territory. No, the characters were not even related and no, nobody had even talked about shipping them. That tells me everything about attitudes that I need to know. And after having my old fandom (hi there, I hate you still, hope you enjoy not getting the sequel fics you begged me to write :)) ruin my enjoyment for the ship that I came into the fandom for in the first place, I'm not doing this again.

Yes, I do realize that a toxic judgemental subset of fans don't speak for everyone and that there most likely are cool people in those fandoms too that I would be friends with, but for my own mental health that's a boundary I have to draw for the time being. It may be that my fuse is just extremely short at the moment and that I dip in my toes at a later date; after all, there was a time where I was technically writing for both Silm and my old fandom, so it's very much possible.

But for now, this is why I'm writing Silm only and have no concrete plans to write for other fandoms.

#cílil answers #also this will stay a tolkien blog mainly #even if i write anything else at some point #i don't think i'll ever get over the evil hot angels

[stranger-rants]

I know that post was a while ago, but I saw your post about Vance Hopper being related to Billy and/or Hopper, and what I love about both aus is that no matter which you go with, with Vance's attitude and overall anger issues, the people that know either of them are going to see them deal with him, and just be like, "Well, karma sure came back to bite you in the ass."

Yes! This is how I see the start of it:

Vance has been in the system for a year or two. His dad was a dead beat who wasn’t around much. His mom… Billy’s mom… died when he was about 14. His last foster parent ends up being a creep who keeps him locked in his room. Vance thinks he’ll just have to endure it until he ages out in a couple more years, but when this guys gets too handsy Vance runs away.

Trying to track down living relatives, he has very few clues. An address written on an envelope for a Billy Hargrove in Hawkins Indiana - never sent. There’s a letter inside. He hasn’t read it. He always knew he had a half brother. Never met him. His mom got really quiet anytime he asked questions, so he didn’t go around asking.

He ends up hitching rides and sleeping on couches all the way to Indiana from California. It’s a miracle he didn’t end up murdered by a stranger he met on the side of the road, but Vance is stubborn and convinced he could survive anything. He has certainly had enough close calls swindling perverts out of their money when he couldn’t find an arcade or game of pool to win bets off of.

He gets to Hawkins a bit disheveled and a bit pissed off and a lot anxious as fuck. It doesn’t take long for him to get picked up by Jim Hopper just for walking on the side of the road with his backpack slung over his shoulder. Jim takes him to the station, but not without a fight. He has to throw Vance in the back who spends the entire ride kicking his seat and spitting at him.

Jim just sighs. He’s had enough practice dealing with unruly blond brats. He doesn’t get much out of Vance other than a string of curse words when they finally get to the station. He doesn’t even know Vance’s full name, but he does manage to finally get Vance to tell him what he’s doing in Hawkins. He’s looking for his brother. Vance shows him the envelope with Billy’s name on it.

Jim leans back in his chair. Takes a deep breath. Says alright, then rings up Billy Hargrove. Billy is twenty six. He’s been living with Steve, but he spent some time living with Jim when he was in recovery. Their relationship is much better than what it was when Billy was a teen, but Vance’s arrival and what it could mean for Billy… how Billy might react… it puts him on edge.

Jim figures Vance has got to be Billy’s mom’s kid. That’s gonna open up a can of worms, and it’s gonna fucking hurt. Those blond curls certainly don’t come from Neil… but that temper. It reminds him of Billy and it reminds him of… himself. He tells Billy there’s someone down at the station he needs to meet. Doesn’t say much else.

Billy and Steve arrive together. Jim isn’t sure if that’s a good idea or bad idea. Within the first half hour of them meeting, Billy finds out his mom is dead and he has a half brother. Doing the math, she probably ran away soon after finding out she was pregnant with another guy’s kid. It’s a lot to process. Billy doesn’t say much. Steve puts his hand on Billy’s knee which has been shaking the entire time.

Vance notices it and frowns.

Vance eventually opens up enough to tell them his full name. Vance Hopper. Jim thinks it’s a coincidence until he asks him who his daddy is and where he is to which Vance answers 1) Frank Hopper and 2) fuck if he knows. Jim responds with “Frank?!” because he has a cousin who moved out west a long time ago. Not surprising he’d be a deadbeat dad, but weird coincidence he’d end up with Billy’s mom.

…well… he has dealt with Stranger Things (ba-dum-tis)

It ends up being a long fucking day that starts a long journey of them learning to be a family. Vance ends up staying with Billy and Steve but he’s uneasy about it. Billy and Steve think he’s being judgmental and homophobic which pisses Billy off, but the reality is that Vance has dealt with a lot of shitty people trying to take advantage of him.

Steve tries to play peacekeeper and help Vance feel welcome in their home. Billy is definitely more of a hard ass. Makes him go to school, and stay in school. No excuses. Billy and Jim both go on his emergency contacts. Billy and Vance get into a fight. Next day, Vance doesn’t come home from school. Billy freaks out. It’s a whole ordeal. Steve has to calm him down.

Turns out Vance ran over to Jim’s. Billy and Vance finally have a heart to heart. Talk about a lot of things. The shitty people they’ve run into. Their shitty dads. Their mom who they want to hate, but who they can’t help but miss. Vance finally shares the letter with Billy from their mom and they read it together.

Idk… something like that.

#asks #billy & vance #harringrove #billy & hopper #crossovers

[nicksbestie]

hey hi I desperately need to project, is there a way you could write something like autistic ashton that starts unmasking around the boys bc he's more comfortable around them but then after hanging out or doing whatever he's just overthinking everything and beating himself up over being "too autistic" 🧍

sorry it took so long!!! yes i can :)

Anxiety

word count: 827

warnings: anxiety, a snippet of self hatred, talk of unmasking

<3 enjoy!

He really shouldn’t be so worried about this. It isn’t that big of a deal, or, it shouldn’t be. All of the guys knew he was autistic, they were fully accepting, and yet he’s still beating himself up for it. The big question is, why? He had to chalk it up to just pure anxiety, because there was no way that there was a logical reason for this. 

Now that he was home, he was overthinking every single behavior, word, and move he had made or spoken while he was hanging out with the guys. Luke had asked him about a drum part he’d been working on fixing and he’d gone through explaining every single piece of his drum set, and Michael had complimented the crystal around his neck and he’d spent forty five minutes talking about the different kinds. 

To be entirely fair, they knew those were two of his biggest special interests, so he shouldn’t feel bad for talking so much about them, especially when he was prompted to do so, but he did anyway. For twenty five years, Ashton had masked his autism, and was just learning how to undo that. He’d been diagnosed later in life, just after he turned twenty four, but he still didn’t know how to completely drop the persona he’d been living in for two and a half decades. That kind of change is really hard, and he was terrified he would become too much for the people he loved the most, his band. 

He didn’t want them to think that he was a bother, or suddenly a lot to handle, or anything of the sort, so when he was unmasking around them, he only showed a part or two about him. He still kept up some of the masking, trying his hardest to read between the lines of neurotypical questions, desperately trying to hide the fact that he couldn’t read their tones at any point in time. 

But today, he’d continued to speak for so long, he’d stimmed much more than he had previously allowed himself to, and he was so much louder than normal. He hadn’t seen the look on his bandmates faces after they all said goodbye and he walked away, but he was sure that they wore matching expressions of disgust. 

If he had actually taken the time to study them, he would’ve seen the bright smiles on each of them. They were so happy to see more of the authentic Ashton, and wished he would let them in on more. But they also knew that they had to be very careful with him, as he was not only a naturally anxious person, but he was still learning to unmask himself, and trying to push that could be detrimental to his journey.

But Ashton was sitting at home, absolutely miserable, unaware of all of these things. He jumped when his phone rang, relaxing slightly when he saw it was only Calum calling. However, he tensed right back up when he thought about why Calum might be calling.

Was he being kicked out of the band? Did they hate him, or want him to go back to acting the way he did before he got his diagnosis? Or worse, if there even was worse?

He picked up the phone, unable to hide the shake in his voice. 

“H-Hello?”

Calum’s smile faded a bit at the anxious tone, hoping Ashton wasn’t spiraling.

He was, but Calum didn’t have to know that. Not right now. 

“Hey Ash! How are you, man?” 

Ashton relaxed once more when Calum’s tone, cheery and friendly, wafted into the phone. It couldn’t be bad news if he sounded so happy about it, right?

“I’m fine, did you need something?” 

Calum coughed slightly on the other end before speaking. 

“Yeah, actually, I wanted to talk to you about something.” 

No. Nonononononono…

He took a deep breath before replying. 

“Okay, what is it?”

“You know that thing you’ve been doing since you got diagnosed? What’s it called again? Un- no, it’s not uncovering..” 

Ashton’s smile dropped. 

“Unmasking?” 

Calum sounded like he perked up again.

“Yes! That! I was talking with Luke and Michael about it, after we saw you today. We just wanted to tell you that we’ve seen the way your personality has changed, well, not changed, but you’ve become more yourself, if that makes sense. We’re really happy for you, and just wanted you to know that you will always have our full support.”

Ashton was in shock. 

“You mean, you don’t hate me?” 

Calum let out a laugh, but it was more of a shocked laugh than anything else. 

“God, no. We love you, we always will. We just want you to be happy, and we’ve seen how much happier you look. You seem healthy.” 

As they wrapped up and hung up the call, Ashton’s smile matched the ones he hadn’t seen on the rest of the band’s faces earlier that day. 

#autistic ashton irwin #5sos autism #autistic problems #unmasking #autistic feels #actually autistic #autistic 5sos #autistic experiences #tw self hate #tw anxiety #reqs with aus

[thenightlymirror]

The last year of living by myself has really made me feel like maybe I could live anywhere. I really wasn’t sure. My life is entirely my job now. When I go to see friends, it’s just the people who hired me.

I am a little surprised how few people I know despite the fact that I basically live in the same city I’ve lived in all my life. I go out on the weekend to get a slice of pizza, and other than the kids working behind the counter, it’s just me. Sitting in my car in the parking lot, it’s just me. Napping in my easy chair in my apartment for two days waiting for Monday, just me.

When I was feeling woozy and nearly passed out alone in my apartment two months ago, I drove myself to the ER in the hopes that I wouldn’t have a stroke and crash on the way there. Nothing happened. I just got fed up after waiting in the lobby for an hour and a half and drove back home, and felt woozy for another week or so after.

I just finally had some tests done and I’m fine. I’m very anemic. But, I think I probably just had inner ear vertigo from being out in the cold for several hours the day before.

A digression on anxiety. I know I spent about a year of my life being gaslit that I wasn’t dying when I was, but I feel like maybe I can account for some of my ailments as just anxiety if I can expand the term to include more than I intuit.

I know what anxiety feels like, I assume. An anxious person is easy to spot. Flittering about. Second guessing. Hesitating. Picky. Makes things difficult and needs things to be their specific way which sometimes makes them an asshole with or without any self-awareness of this fact.

I have a certain thing that happens to me, where I feel some ineffable problem coming on, like I’m going to lose control of my leg, or my arm. I imagine a blood clot roaming around, in my gut, in my neck, my eye. Losing focus briefly and thinking, “It’s in my brain now.” I woke up twice before my pulmonary embolism with my leg paralyzed. I think what I imagine is that I’m about to lose some part of my body from the map of my mind. Nothing ever happens. I guess that one time I felt like I was going to fall down, but I didn’t. For several days, I felt almost stoned. Like my consciousness was just “off”.

Is that anxiety? Maybe.

It could just be that my anxiety manifests itself in this very specific worry. It isn’t necessarily Multiple Sclerosis.

I’m when I felt that strange vertigo, I just told myself, keep walking, nothing will happen. And nothing did. After another two weeks (two weeks!) it went away.

I know there’s other things. I supposedly have social anxiety, though no one has ever seen it. When I had a therapist, she said my alienation from other people was trauma from being bullied as a kid. Otherwise groundless. Could you imagine? Anthony Cox has no grounds for feeling alienated from other people. He just has trauma from being bullied as a child. What if that was true? Could you imagine?

That makes me think of the last time I saw my brother’s wife. She was with us in Wisconsin when I went canoeing with my parents and some of their friends down the Namekagon River. She’s my parents’ age, scientist. (Church of Christ, Scientist.) Smarter than most people. She had no problem talking to my parents’ friends from the bar. Sports or TV or whatever. I hardly remember. But I tend to be sort of quiet and miserable in those situations. I really don’t want to be, or come off that way. This is almost ten years ago now. I don’t feel any differently now.

But my brother’s wife’s impression was that I’m insecure because I’m fat. Haha. You know, that her grandma was fat, and everyone loved her. So I shouldn’t feel so bad about it. Hahaha I DON’T. Hahahah I have never known anything else. I know my perception of human nature is probably a bit different from most people’s because I have never been treated nicely just because I was good looking to anyone. Amazing to me that anyone on Earth exists that can take this for granted, but it’s actually most people. Most people walk into situations with strangers and the strangers do not secretly find them horrifying. They walk into situations and 20% of the time, someone could imagine having sex with them. Or something like that. Some people might walk into situations and most people treat them nicely because they would like the opportunity to fuck them, or respect the fact that other people would want to fuck them. Absolutely wild to me.

But most people aren’t totally fascist or so victimized that they are ever even conscious of this. Every once in a while they just see an unpleasant looking person, cross themselves, and put it out of their minds.

Anyways. All I know is that most people bore me to death, and this boredom is, worst case scenario, probably something that precedes people and their interests. My boredom comes first, and it finds reasons later. I become interested in things that are obscure and I like them because no one notices them. And then I feel isolated when no one can relate.

But I’m not sure I’m even interested in things anymore. Culturally, Harper is interested in pretty basic stuff. Star Wars and anime and stuff. But she can have a conversation about anthropology or linguistics or music theory or Palestine. That means a lot to me. It feels like I live in the same universe.

Or, the other thing. I’ve been listening to Otherworld and just constantly in this paranoid twilight zone where I feel the schizophrenic color of life turned way up all the time lately. Is that just anxiety? A very specific kind of anxiety. But I’m just some kind of snowflake and I think my anxiety is special? I’ve got 12-dimensional anxiety.

I guess I feel a deep loneliness around people who don’t feel any anxiety. What the fuck is wrong with them? And I don’t even like to feel vain anxiety. I’m pretty chill honestly. The world’s just fucked and I’m pretty calm about it, considering. Sometimes people channel this anxiety into very specific vices and scapegoats and that can be boring too.

I try to be very tolerant and forgiving with all of it. I think there’s other people alive in this world, somewhere, a lot less tolerant and much more happy than myself. Never the twain shall meet. Some other universe, these people. A little self-respect and a lot of petty snobbery and they’re living off pure sweet fat of the hog, posting liberal memes on facebook somewhere. Drinking at the bar watching the Lion’s game. Doing the same shit as everyone else anyway.

[livsspecialinterests]

Hey bud, just checking in. Still worried about the stuff in your big post the other day? Or was it more of a "don't believe the things you think about your life after 9pm" situation?

heya! thank u so much for checking in <3 im okay, kind of had the same thing happen after i saw the closing night on broadway (my poor mum had to deal with me bursting into tears at random times through the next 2 days we were in new york after the show). I chatted with Bunny and felt better afterwards, i just woke up at like 4am and became absolutely overwhelmed with dread about the fandom fizzling out... 100% one of those "don't believe the things you think about your life after 9pm" situations, for sure. (it didnt help that i then got up, had a huge crick in my neck and then had a shit day at work that culminated in me crying and getting hugs from the nurses at my work twice but that did take my mind off the fandom dread slightly!)

i have been thinking for a while that i'd take a crack at writing some original fiction once i get the dead should stay dead out of my system (would probably still write little silly oneshots/smutty fics for fun, but maybe not too much more in the way of longform fics for a bit, idk, ive got super limited free time what with work and exams etc) but for some reason that morning i was fixated on the idea that everyone was going to leave the fandom and was especially scared that the fandom might die and then i'd never have the drive to finish the dead should stay dead and i really really want to see this fic through because im proud of it and am super excited to see how people like the rest of what ive got planned.

it's silly, and Bunny talked me down a little (pointing out that fics really are forever and a fandom is never entirely dead, even if people drift away, there's every chance the fandom could pick up again at some point in the future and the fics might be rediscovered). also I went out and spent the day with some friends who Get It (my husband is very understanding but he isnt the anxious type or the fandomy type so he didn't really understand my half asleep rambles lol). my friend also shut my worries down like 'bro im part of the les mis fandom that book is centuries old'. also maybe seeing friends and being social helped

so yeah, thank u so much for checking up on me, i really should have followed up that post but ive been kinda sleep deprived! i hope you're well (: xxx

[da-proti-toku-grem]

1, 17, 13, 15!

Sorry this took so long but here:

1. what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

Umm this one's interesting, let's see... (in no particular order) sorry, this one ended up being long af but i'm not deleting it lol

- I'm going to start with the fact that I spent almost my entire childhood having no friends (except for my lifelong best friend, but we live in different cities and before we had phones we only saw each other about 3 or 4 times a year), because I already talked a little about it in the post I made a while ago. As I said, honestly, the fact that they ignored me or picked on me didn't affect me directly, but it's true that it has made it very difficult for me to trust people, besides the fact that I "hide" many things about myself (eg. my tastes, my opinions on certain topics or my problems) because of the fact that I've never had anyone I could tell it to, so it has become a bad habit I guess

- Discovering tumblr and meeting people through here. It's a little connected to what I just said, because I've always thought that no one was interested in the same things as me, that I was "weird" because I liked things that maybe people didn't even know about. But when I discovered tumblr and started to see that there are actually a lot more people and that I'm really not the only one, it made me realize that it's not "weird" that, to give the example of Joker Out, it makes me happy to see videos/photos of a group of five guys who live in a country I don't know, who speak a language I don't know and who don't even know I exist. They just make me happy and that's it, if it bothers someone they can just look away, you don't have to comment on everyone's lifes :/

- Oh man, idk what else to say... Well, let's say that being an older sister (and the only girl between all my cousins, at least until my little cousin was born) has really shaped me. You know, the fact that I'm always the first one to do stuff (starting high school, going to uni, turning 18 and all that stuff) always makes me kinda anxious because I don't know what to expect. In my brother's case, he can always ask me how I did it, or how it went when I did something like "how was your first day of high school" or "you had this teacher one year, how are they like?" and things like that. Maybe it seems stupid, but when you don't have all those simple little things that he knows/can ask me anytime, you never know what to expect and that makes me so anxious (to the point that I cry even, and I don't cry easily so...)

13. what are you doing right now?

Crying because I suddenly remembered a song that I loved a few years ago called Even Angels by Carlos Marco & Blas Cantó and the lyrics are just so 🤧😭 like:

"When you sky comes falling down and the silence steals the sound, don't be afraid, know it's okay to be fragile, even angels hit the ground before they fly"

The lyrics + their voices give me goosebumps every time

I discovered it at the perfect moment and I remember crying every time I heard it and... yeah

15. what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

The first thing that came to my mind was: anywhere I am with my family, with my middle brother's random jokes and my little brother's warm hugs OR being alone in my room, petting my dog and ​​doing absolutely nothing (for once)

17. name 3 things that make you happy

- My dog 🥰 (she deserves her own place in the list)

- Listening to music all day and movie nights with my family

- Joker Out/Jere/all my mutuals (and non-mutuals that I interact with). I won't expand too much because I already said A LOT in the first one, but just seeing their content and listening to their music makes me so happy. And also my mutuals because I love interacting with y'all and going crazy about these silly bois together every day <3

+ Bonus because it also deserves it's own place in the list:

- Jure's smile. He literally lights up the whole world when he smiles, I love my sunshine boy so much 🥹

I know I technically said more than 3 but I categorized them lmao

questions I think would be fun to be asked

#i feel like i talked too much #but honestly writing this felt like free therapy so #thanks for the asks eryka 💜 #ask #random #maca speaks #personal #i guess?

[wonderlandleighleigh]

Hi! I have a question for you concerning TMMM and identity.

Since Jewish culture is an integral part of this show, it's natural that anyone who wants to write a TMMM fic would have to learn about Jewish humor and traditions and quite probably use them in their writing. Do you think it's appropriate for people of other ethnicities to touch upon those subjects (e. g. when writing about Midges standup or family interactions)? Or should goyish people just avoid the Jewish ethnicity topics in their fics altogether? I'm more inclined to believe the latter, especially with jokes, but what do you think? 

P.S. I'm not Jewish, just a curious Ukrainian. I thought about writing a TMMM fic, but then imagined how I would feel if I saw a shitty portrayal of my people.

P.P.S. I hope it's polite to ask. Feel free to tell me off if it's not. 

Hi there!

So I'm going to preface this by saying: one Jew does not an entire people's opinion make. So whatever I think? It's just kinda what I think.

I think that if you're willing to sit down and do the research on Jewish humor, identity, and family life/dynamics, and portray them in a way that, yes, is funny and truthful, but also shows some respect, then it's totally fine. Write away!

The great thing about this show is that it shows an ENORMOUS swath of different personalities. Midge, Noah, Moishe, Joel, Shirley, Rose, Abe and Lenny are all Jewish, and they are SO DIFFERENT! And it's not something we see on television very often. Usually there is one token Jew, and they are one of two things:

an insulting stereotype

"Jewish" but they don't practice Judaism and we don't get to see the dynamics of their family or how being Jewish informs their life.

But you have the intellectual, upper class set in the Weissmans, right? Art, Science and Mathematics. We're shown that Rose's family is very wealthy. We are led to believe that Abe's family also had money if he was chosen by the matchmaker for Rose.

Then you have the working class, climbed the class ladder Maisels. They're loud, they're anxious, they're combative. They are everything that we think of when we think of Jews. Old Jews especially. What keeps them from tipping into stereotypes is that we see vulnerable moments with them. We get to experience life with them.

(on an unrelated note, Joel's insistence that he is an underdog, even though he's not, likely comes from growing up with parents who WERE underdogs. Who really scrambled their way up.)

And Lenny is there, waving his lower class, Jewish show biz fam "I'm from Long Island and my mother was a stripper comedian and likely did Vaudeville before it totally died" flag.

All Jews. All from intensely different backgrounds. All intensely different people.

So in thinking about all of this, I'm not so sure if it's about writing Jewishness, so much as it is about writing these specific Jewish characters in character as related to their Jewishness. Obviously using Yiddish words and centering things around Jewish holidays and going to Synagogue on Saturday mornings/Friday nights will make anything with these characters more authentic, but you don't have to if you don't know how.

But also, keep in mind, that as a modern Jewish person, I am ALSO a little out of my depth! These characters were all born 1933 and beforehand, and their Jewish lives are so intensely different from my own. Their challenges were different. They were so much closer to events like the Holocaust. During season 2, during that big number at the end of the Catskills trip, where it's all the kids (and Susie) doing that around the world skit, Shirley comments about the poor taste in having a Russian segment in a room full of Jews.

Which. To be honest, I mean. Lots of Russians still don't like us LOL. But it's nowhere near as fresh! If Shirley's parents were Russian, it's likely they were murdered and run out of town by pogroms.

Keep in mind that Abe was born 1898. His mother was likely born in the 1870's. Rose's time spent in Paris in her youth happened in the 1920's. Which is 100 years ago now. Viewed through a modern lens, their lived experience was so long ago, it feels a little staggering.

While I have a leg up in having grown up with Jewish grandparents and great grandparents, it's no substitute for a lived experience.

So! If you're willing to do the research, and not rely on lazy stereotypes, and also realize that you might get some things wrong (we all do!), then I say go for it!

I hope this helped! <3

#fic stuff #Jewishness in TV #TMMM

[quilleth]

Blorbo Bingo for your favorite MXTX character? :D

>:3 This is a tie between Xie Lian and Shang Qinghua (i know. you're so shocked by this information) so I did both xD Idk what to think about some of the categories but still xD

Xie Lian

Explanations and Shang Qinghua bingo under the cut because otherwise this is going to be very long and that will bother me lol

May be feral: my good dude spent an entire book going feral and burnt down a capital. like...he may have gotten over that but the potential's there xD

Can do no wrong: so a lot of the crimes were like...kind of orchestrated by someone else pulling the strings. but also Xie Lian should get to go ape shit if he wants. he's dealt with people and the heavens for 800 years.

Actually the Favorite: mine and also many characters in the book. this is not a good thing for him xD

Cryptid: the gods on his return "the fuck?! he's still around?!"

The adult in the room: specifically when around Feng Xin and Mu Qing xD

Accidental father figure: he saw Banyue and little Pei as humans and went oh these are my children now. and Lang Qianqiu. And then also took over taking care of Lang Ying

In desperate need of therapy: are they really an MXTX character if they aren't? (ok maybe some side characters don't, but not in TGCF!)

Angst machine: i'm once again just going to point to the entirety of book 4 and also anything with Jun Wu

Eats out of the garbage: this is basically just canon xD

Honorable mention: certified himbo. Xie Lian's not dumb of ass enough to actually be a himbo but he's close xD

And Shang Qinghua

May be feral: he did orchestrate the immortal alliance conference thing, and kicked lgj's ass. and successfully worked as a spy for at least a couple decades. like sure most of it was because of the system threatening to kill him again, but still!

Started out as a joke character: me at first: teehee hamster man is funny. after reading more: oh no...oh shit..i'm attached. aside from the fact i was already a little biased going in because i saw fanart of moshang before i read the book and went "yesss! the Height Difference, idiots to lovers rep we deserve" :3

Can do no wrong: he's a gremlin and i support him. also customer service and admin people should get to go ape shit every now and then. as a treat. yes i'm biased

bastard (affectionate): see above

pathetic meow meow, a soggy rat: i can't explain this one except that he's very sad and very pathetic

in desperate need of therapy: he needs some serious help with self worth, and the anxiety, and the everything from his first life/ family. and also to be blanket burritoed and given cookies and cocoa

angst machine: listen. he's funny and amusing on the surface but everything with his family and giving up on everything he wanted just to scrape by a living, and having no friends, and the (erroneous but he didn't know that at first) knowledge that the person he's closest too was going to kill him. again. like...please. i will cry

a muse sent by the gods: i have had so many fic ideas over the last year and written so much and that hasn't happened in a long time!

it's not their blood, i promise: see may be feral

relate to them maybe a little too much: oh look that one is a cynical, anxious MESS of a human being that has no idea how to be around other people because his parents fucked him up. mood. also living the height difference lifestyle ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

Chihuahua energy: he is shaking in his little booties because someone looked at him and now he's spiralling wondering what weird thing he did. or a demon threatened to eat him. or both.

honorable mention: eats out of the garbage. like...the boxes of instant ramen aren't garbage, but they're certainly not healthy xD has he had a decent meal ever in either main sv events or as an adult in his first life? possibly but not often!

#ye olde ask box is always open

[liqdrababbles]

One of the things I like to explore about Dirk as a character is how lonely he was his entire childhood (having no access to direct human contact)....and how weird he is because of it.

His only direct interaction, besides himself (Hal + robots), was the seagulls and sea animals, and his only source of information about other human beings was the movies and books/magazines that were in the apartment (later, the internet was also other source of information, along with Roxy, Jane, and Jake... but the very early years of his life, the most important for the human brain, were fueled only by the limited view of the world that some videos and readings -and the interaction with a robot- can bring).

I imagine Dirk as someone who knows almost everything about basic human behavior (social stuff)... and at the same time he knows nothing. A merely theoretical knowledge, lacking all those "instincts" that help us understand what is or is not right in certain situations or how to interpret certain signals from others. Dirk spent his entire life preparing for the first time he would meet another human being, and when the day came I can only imagine him in internal panic and defeat.

Reading about how people socialize didn't prepare him for all that brutal torrent of information. Added to this, the barrier created by his speech problems (I talked about this several posts ago) made it almost impossible for him to efficiently interpret the simplest signals. Although I imagine that he previously spent several years setting up a speech recognition and transcription program, and convincing Hal to work as an interpreter (and probably training with various videos and films), not even this help was enough to help him fully understand what others were saying, let alone to help him respond appropriately (in a "normal human way"). What everyone else sometimes interprets as "a cool (but kinda intimidating) strong guy who doesn't talk much face-to-face, a man of action" is actually Dirk in the deepest panic and trying to analyze as best and as quickly as possible all the excessive information he just heard/saw, and trying not to respond in a weird/awkward way.

If there's one thing Dirk is painfully aware of, it's just how weird he is. Despite not growing up with another human being, all his years of studying what is "normal" for other human beings made him all too aware of how different he is: his tendency to stare intently at things and people (and blink very little when concentrated), his difficulty speaking or understanding spoken language, his impulses to analyze things closely in every possible way (if Dirk didn't have so much "I must have everything under control + I should be normal + it's time to overthink" anxiety, he would often ignore other people's personal space), his way of eating, his way of moving, his body odor that sometimes stands out too much (yeah this is a fixed Dirk headcanon I have, sorry), his difficulty in expressing emotions through facial expressions (or understanding them), his tendency to make weird sounds or movements, the fact that he is too aware of his surroundings all the time...

(...the list is even longer but these are the most general stuff)

So yeah, what others interpret as "Dirk is very quiet, he speaks in a funny, weird and slow way, he is not very social, he does not usually show emotions or make physical interaction" is Dirk trying with all his might "to be normal" and drowning in his thoughts. If Dirk did what he really wants or was used to doing during the years he lived alone, Dirk would be like "that guy who's so weird it's kinda scary."

(...Idk I really like to imagine Dirk as someone who really overthinks A LOT and is very self-conscious/anxious about everything about him, and tries very hard not to externally show this problem and always tries to seem like he has everything under control)

#headcanon #homestuck #dirk strider

[holocene-sims]

okayyyyyyy so can i get 7H and 8H for grant and päivi? ❤️‍🔥💀 more drama please

dshfkdsjfsdjbf absolutely 😭😭 i shall enlighten you to the green and red flags they saw in each other (and probably ramble off a ton about their relationship dynamic because most of it has occurred off-screen away from tumblr and it is kind of important to know since i can't detail every piece of context in the story itself)

also thank you so much for the ask!!

7H ⇢ what do you consider green flags in a relationship?

green flag for päivi with grant is that he is a great listener and caring. she's not a fan of opening up about the happenings of her brain and she's always felt like her problems are stupid. like she gets angry at herself that she's so insecure and depressed because she's spent her life unnecessarily jealous of other people instead of because something traumatic happened to her. but grant had a way of hearing her out and making her feel like she wasn't crazy, that her feelings were valid and that she wasn't just self-absorbed

i think absolutely one of the green flags grant saw in päivi was that she never had unreasonably high expectations for romance. she was often even pretty resistant but still appreciative of his penchant for lots of affection and romantic acts. all she really wanted was to be around him and vibe. it made him feel nice that what she liked was him and not what he could do for her

they really did (well...i guess still do, it's messy...) love each other 🥴 there are plenty of things they liked about each other and things they enjoyed doing together

8H ⇢ what do you consider red flags in a relationship?

i think the biggest red flag päivi ever saw with grant is the emotional fragility. it's the unfortunate side effect of him suffering from raging PTSD and also trying to hide the symptoms for a long time. but you know, you say something a bit critical (like oh, you forgot to take the laundry out of the dryer) and he will panic about it. most of the time he'll internalize it, but then you're walking around knowing he's about to burst into tears feeling like he did something fatally wrong, and then what do you do? päivi sometimes she felt like she had to walk on eggshells or intentionally change the way she spoke to avoid getting that response out of him

predictably, i think the red flag for grant with päivi is just that she's not sensitive at all and has a horrible temper. she's a very nice person and i think deeply empathetic, but she doesn't behave sensitively. i guess for example, take the laundry example from above...he's going to apologize profusely and ditch whatever he's doing now to take care of the laundry and he'll seem very anxious about it, and her first instinct would be to get mad that he's anxious and tell him to quit acting like a baby. she wouldn't know when to back off either and she'd keep pushing and pushing until the situation explodes

(i think grant is the sweetest guy around but he's got some issues. i think päivi is also lovely and has a good heart but she's got some issues, too. they both try very hard to overcome their issues and they're aware of them and will always quickly acknowledge them, but these issues are rooted very deeply in them. grant's entire existence is affected by trauma and päivi is a terribly insecure person

but also i think they hated this dynamic, though it's not like it was an every day thing. päivi never wanted to hurt him and she was always on his side, like supporting him in facing his father for the first time in years and being there when life caught up to him and put him in a tough career/health spot, and grant never wanted to be a burden or to have his own issues reflect on her or for her to feel responsible for him in any way. he also knows her sometimes harsh behavior comes from a place of deep insecurity and he truly loved her, flaws and all, and wanted the best for her. in the end, i think the red flags were very warped ways of trying to help each other (grant trying to be a perfectly reliable and useful partner and päivi trying to help him with tough love) and despite somehow recognizing that truth, they couldn't fix the problems because their behavior is so polar opposite)

#asks #hlcn: oc info #hlcn: story extras #hlcn: grant #hlcn: päivi #so uhhhhhhh the green and red flags both bit them in the ass when it came to the cheating scandal #anyway you'll see more of all this in the story soon :D

[engineering-myself]

God the last 48 hours has been CRAZY. The asshole employee had me stressing hard because the department was at the point of "it's your choice, but you should probably fire him". So I was trying to set that in motion not knowing ANYTHING about how to do that properly, and after reaching out to HR and having them also agree that I should move towards terminating him, he sent me a snarky "I quit, good luck!" message instead. It was both a relief and extremely frustrating at the same time.

So anyway, the whole department yesterday is congratulating me because he's gone and they're telling me stuff like "of course he didn't work out, look who hired him" (meaning the lazy, asshole predecessor to my lab), but I'm just feeling increasingly anxious because the kid had replied to the acceptance of resignation email saying that the lab environment is "intolerable" and that he'll be providing a lengthy explanation of his reasons for leaving. It's stressful that someone is going to such extreme lengths to make me look bad, including (as I found out late on Thursday) repeatedly complaining about me to my boss the entire I've been there.

It also doesn't make sense to me because I found the kid's general attitude and demeanor so unpleasant that I was actively avoiding him. So like, how could my presence be making the lab intolerable when I'm not talking to the kid unless absolutely necessary?? A third party observer to this entire shit show commented that his absence isn't even going to be a big deal because he doesn't actually help teach students like he's supposed to, he was always off doing his own thing and only helped out if a person sought him out. The perspective really added to my confusion of his "intolerable" statement because clearly other people also saw him essentially being allowed to do whatever the hell he wanted anyway because I didn't feel like confronting him about every little thing.

I should just take the win and move on, but I'm humming with anxiety. It really did work out for the best - the kid quit, the department chair and other professors are not only on my side but glad about it, and I don't have to continue to navigate this tenuous management situation anymore. I guess I just feel like I didn't handle the "confrontation" that led to his resignation properly. I keep picking myself apart for the way I handled the dispute, and I'm feeling quite a bit of pressure to work on my ability to handle confrontation properly after this. (I mean, I already was feeling pressure to figure this out and I've been seeing a therapist with that goal in mind, but I don't think we've spent enough time on strategies to help me in the moment - it's kinda been like when you think of the right thing to say wayyy after it's over).

And Nic has been quick to point out all along that I DO know how to have an argument - he teases me that I can be super intimidating when we argue because I'm "like a lawyer". And that's maybe what's been the MOST frustrating about this whole situation and my life in general. I know damn well how to have a fight and speak my mind clearly, but I freeze up and/or lose my cool in the moment outside of confronting a handful of people.

#personal

[magnys-voss]

It’s so dystopian to grow up in a bubble where patriotism runs rampant and Obama being in presidency for two terms felt like a golden age of peace….. Like I remember being a kid and slowly growing to hate and distrust Bush (especially after I learned how The Chicks got black listed for speaking out against him). But mainly because I was sick and tired of the stupid war our country went through after 9/11.

Obama winning the first time felt like the biggest reprieve and I did see so much social progress in my rural religious town. My classmates and I were inspired by the changes happening and when I talk about my high school days during that era I look back in awe at how much hope we really had for the future even though we were constantly bombarded with the end of the world in 2011-2013……

Then living through the Dump era when I just moved out and left mormonism felt like the world was ending….. So I had hope voting for Joe…. Hope that things might go back to that time when things felt more obtainable…. Because he was Obama’s VP…. And I sure as hell wasn’t voting for Dumptruck, it felt like there was no other choice… But I slowly started losing trust and faith in him as time went on….

I finally had it with Joe a few months ago. I was feeling anxious in the city and decided to drive up into the mountains to meet up with my family…. And the entire canyon road was blocked off. I spent 45 minutes trying to get through traffic until I took some back canyon roads and thankfully made it in time to meet up with my family for dinner (I was determined to get that free meal). I was so confused why the whole canyon road was blocked off because it was a summer day with no reason for there to be a huge accident in the canyon which happens only in bad weather.

Once I meet up with my parents and explain the traffic they’re like “Oh yeah that’s because the president is in town. We saw him, even took a video of his entourage.” And they proceed to fangirl about it like they saw the pope and show me the vid of just some dark vans driving by while people waved from the side of the road. I’m wondering why the hell this guy has to shut off an entire freeway to come to town. They say it’s for security and then proceed to tell me about a threat that happened not far from us in the most Mormony mormon county of the state.

I’m expecting to be told about a young or middle aged Maga man being an idiot because we’re infested with these dipshits…. Then I’m told the FBI shot and killed a 70 year old man in his own home because he was posting his fantasies of killing Joe on Facebook…. Like dude was sick and his family was trying to keep grandpa from hurting himself but fuck…… What’s an old geriatric going to do? Besides run for president and ruin our country, but how the fuck is a senile old man who never leaves his house getting past that security? Why did several FBI agents have to kill a man in his own home because he was a “threat” instead of taking him to a mental health facility?….. It felt more like a message to this red state to stay in line when papa president comes to town.

Over all, Joe coming to Utah felt like a parade of power and control. It felt like he came here for his stupid little charity show (which was held in the 1% playground Park City) and wanted to remind this fucked up state how much power the government really holds over us wild westerners…

And now… I despise this atrocious man even more… For justifying and funding this horrific genocide…… and I HAD to vote for him for the safety of my own life as a queer trans person…. It’s all so dystopian and fucked up and I really hate the government and 1% so god damn much.

All I hope for now is that we recognize that we are not each other’s enemies. That we can recognize the big problem in all of this is this small percentage of geriatric capitalistic vampires that are sucking the life out of our planet. They don’t see genocide y’all… All they see is profit and resources. They don’t care how many people die to put them on top……

….I, as an American citizen, felt threatened by my own president coming to town…. I can’t imagine how the rest of the world feels when our government gets involved…

…….

I’m in such a bubble here I didn’t know much about the Palestine and Israel conflict until news broke. I watched a documentary and countless videos on what lead up to all of this. I’ve been silently trying to learn as much as possible about this whole tragedy…. I had a break down at the beginning of this month after seeing dead Palestinian babies on my twitter. I turned off all of my social media’s after that except tumblr to stay in the loop (and to avoid seeing more Zionist propaganda since I know this site is mainly made up of anarchists, antifascists, and communists).

I’m unemployed, disabled, mentally unstable and feeling very helpless in all of this…. I don’t know what I can do…. Except share my experiences…. But I also want to keep in mind people’s mental health and well being because I’ve been struggling not to go back to the psych ward over all of this. I don’t want to put pressure on anyone to feel like this is their responsibility because it’s honestly a really massive complex issue. I don’t want to tell anyone to boycott a brand if that’s all they can afford right now. I don’t want to tell people they have to watch this genocide if it’s going to send them over the edge. I don’t want to tell anyone to do anything because I don’t know what’s the best thing for you as an individual to do right now….. I am proud of the people being brave and sharing information and resources. Please keep fighting the good fight. Thank you for taking on that burden while those of us who are struggling are trying to recover. I hope to get to a point where I can do more and you may rest more. We’re all in this together.

Please understand that we all need each other more than ever right now. Please do not generalize all Jewish people to be involved with Israel because a large majority of them are not. Be very wary of antisemitism and the propaganda that will come out of all this. You don’t know who’s on the other side of the screen and we know for a fact that fascists will stoop so low to make fake accounts and put on personas to get their disgusting rhetoric out there. Use your critical thinking skills to assess what someone’s true motives are….. Because no one is immune to propaganda.

………

All I feel like I can do now is pray for the Palestinians…. Just like all I’ve felt like I can do is pray for the Native Americans whose home I’m living on…. Pray for my Polynesian ancestors and relatives who were colonized and lost their paradise…. Pray for all the black people who have lost their lives…. Pray for everyone who has been affected by colonial genocide….. All I feel like I can do is pray and pray and pray for the day when we’re no longer under this foul and unrelenting control… I pray for freedom for us all….

#freepalastine🇵🇸

[kn0ckkn0ckneo]

there are certain topics you cannot discuss w/just anyone. there is a certain level of trust, intellect or experience that is required with such topics. the spiritual, woo-woo, Death, ET-related topics are a few of mine i do not discuss w/just anyone. there is a certain level of openness & awakenness that must be present.

now, there is a topic i've been quite fond of my whole life, but haven't been truly connected to it until as of two years ago. Death. in my my life, i have had two NDE. the most recent one was about two months ago. it changed my life & mindset entirely. i have only shared this experience w/my spiritual teacher because i needed answers. i am still questing for them. looking for answers in books, in videos, in blogs- everything. i know what happened was real, but i just wanted the confirmation comparing my experience to those of others.

when you want something enough, truly want it. when you want something so maturely, so detachedly, so conscientiously... you just might get it. no matter how extreme it may be. spiritual ascension has been a theme in my life for the past three/four years & truthfully, i was tired. just tired.

the level of connection & communication i have formed w/my spirit team is beyond your imagination, i assure you that. i had spent a good while contemplating my death, the outcome of it, how can it affect everyone the least, thinking about my pets as well; just like you plan a wedding, i planned my own death, but only i wasn't going to do it myself, i asked a higher force to take care of the deed for me & my pets all together.

one night, i felt ready. i went to talk to the sky as i normally do each night & i told them, "i'm ready." we've had this conversation before, they knew what i needed done & how i wanted to go (w/my pets). so i said goodbye to the world & ended it w/much gratitude & love. i got ready for bed for the last time, did my nightly routine, kissed & hugged my pets a lot & was very grateful to each one of them. they knew, they knew. one of them, my little pisces girl, the one who has seen me almost die before, she was particularly anxious & hid under the bed. i told her it was going to be alright.

so i went to bed. at some point it started happening, i lifted from my body, but there was a silver cord attached from my soul to my body, it was slowly thinning out. i started to feel so much peace. everything was going black, pitch black & everything felt so easy & good. we made a stop. this place seemed to be what people call "paradise," as what i have now learned through my research of those who have experienced a NDE. mother Gaia at it's best. there were other "beings" there that seemed to have the shape of a human, & they felt so familiar. i felt comfortable w/them & there seemed to be some kind of preparation taking place. my cats were there too. my pisces girl was the most scared of them all. the others were happy to be there, but they were not coming w/me to the next level. they stay in paradise.

one of my "guides" asked me, "are you ready to go? i said YES. they said, "you can't take it back. if you're ready, follow me." Dorito kept walking around my legs & pushing himself onto me, wrapping his tail around my ankles, he was saying goodbye. Amparo, my pisces girl, she was so scared, my poor girl. she was in a corner under a beautiful wooden picnic table & didn't want to come out. i felt her energy saying, "please don't go." right before i decided to follow them, i said "no. i'm not staying here. i'm going back. i need to go back."

my guides knew what they were doing. they wanted me to think again about my choice. i saw their "faces" but really it was more their energy of them feeling joy on the inside. you know when you make the little smile because you got your way? like that. they were happy & proud of me to make this choice & they told me to be strong. they were not going to leave me.

then i was back. i woke up w/all my cats surrounding me. this is one of those things i probably will not ever share w/anyone i know.

[the-journal-of-helios]

- Intro -

Hi heheh, you can call me Klaus, I’m a gay guy, my first language’s French, and this account will be about my history teacher, who I will be calling "D", just in case anyone I know bumps into this. Nsfw warning about this account. I love a bunch of other shit beside my man, like laws, psychology or cinematography, but I will mostly be talking about him of course.

- Story Time -

D has been my teacher for 2 years now, at first we developed a bond because we had a lot of things in common, he’s a huge nerd and me too heheh, and I’m a huge fan of history class so that helped too. So we started talking after class and during class and shading inside jokes and stuff. A day we went watching a theatre play with the class, it was about homosexuality and since there was a kind of improvisation thing at the end well I went to do it, and I accidentally made my coming out in front of my whole grade. I was stressed, it I felt myself dying, I was shaking and it was the first time I talked in front of this many people, so when I got out of there, and D told me he was proud of me, I just started crying. This day, I told him I saw him as a parental figure, because it’s not really going well at home, and that kinda baffled him. Next class I was stressed to see him because of what I said. It went well heheh. Then we spent more time together, after class or during remedial. Then another play happened, that was MY play (I’m also an acting student). I asked him if he could come to see it, he said he didn’t work that day and he lives kinda far away from the school so that would depends. Well shit he came to my play and I was so danm stressed and happy at the same time. A month later, I went to a concert, so I missed a class. I sent him a message at 3 in the morning to ask him what we did and what we were gonna do the next day, I also thanked him because he went to my play, and he responded that he thought it was pretty cool. I was so happy. Then we just spent time together after class again. Then came the end of the year. Awful. I bought him something, and giving it to him was the most stressful thing that ever happened to me. He remembered the fact that I saw him as a father figure and he gave me his email so I could talk to him during summer. Which I did, btw. Then came this year, I screamed when I saw that he was still my teacher this year. I was so fuckin danm happy. When I came to see him the first class I was anxious as HELL. It went well heheh. Then we spent a whole lunchtime together, it was awesome. He told me if we weren’t student/teacher I would probably be his friend, that made my heart melt. I learned a bunch of things about him too, that’s amazing. There was a show this Christmas, I went to see it a first time I had a ticket, then I saw him in the corridors and stayed with him for a while, he was going to the second representation of the show, so I asked him if I could follow him, he said yes. So D basically helped me sneak the xmass show in the vip section lmao. It was amazing. Then we still spent time together and stuff. There was a pedagogical day, so I spent it with him, it was fun. We also went to the fuckin museum together. Absolute best day of my entire fuckin life. It was amazing. And he gave me his Facebook that day, I was so proud. So yeah I keep spending time with him, and I keep sending him messages, and spending remedial with him, and of course being the best student of his danm class. Aint no way another mf will be better than me.

- Conclusion -

So yeahhhhh. I’m so fuckin in love with him. I know I won’t be with him next year and that makes me awfully anxious. I have huge separation anxiety and that’s awful to me. I want to be this man’s favourite so bad. I wanna be his best student. I want other teachers when they see me to go "Hey D that’s your boy", yk what I mean ? Terrible. I wanna be his boy so bad. But oh well, that won’t be possible.

Small photo of the museum we went together<3

#male tc #school #tc confessions #history teacher