#but i liked it at the time so idk i feel weird deleting it and not posting it you know

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

#oh and if anyone knows where i can stream mob wives uncensored without paying any extra money i'd love you forever lol #that is unimportant- unless y'all find it important that i have access to all of my most influential pieces of media at all times IJSAYING! #jk jk ofc <3 thank you for reading #conspiracy in emerson #if cie #progress #cie ch 3

[pbpsbff]

happy 1 year of r&r :)

i know it's a lil cringe to like. celebrate the birthday of a series on ao3 but r&r is literally my child. my baby. i birthed this series. and you all signed up for this when u started reading my fics thank u

soooooooo thank u guys for all the support i've received over r&r i know it's hard to stay a consistent reader when my posting schedule is entirely non existent but i am so grateful for everyone who's stuck around this long and been with me for this journey (calling it a journey because a year ago i did not have any sort of overarching plot in mind and now we're 17? 18? fics deep and so many things have happened and i'm usually just as surprised as my readers) it's rlly u guys that have kept me going this long

ANYWAY. i rewrote this like 500 times cause i hate being like. overly sappy on this account because it's way funnier to act like a celebrity with a huge ego, but real talk i am so proud of everything i've done w this series & what it's become in the past year

i've been posting my writing online since i was like 10, so we're going on almost 9 years now and i don't think i've ever ever ever received as much support for something as i have for r&r and something about that is soooo special to me??? idk it's just so nice to see a completely self indulgent series become so loved by others, especially since the only other fics i had up before gmm&m were a little more on the "i'm gonna write what seems popular right now" side???

like shoutout to everyone who was here before/around when i started the series because my account was so empty like. 2 fics and one gets updated every 6 months. r&r pulled me out of the trench i fear. it also cured me of my very horrible disease that makes me delete all my fics after 9 months and then completely disappear from a fandom so everyone say thank you r&r

but yeah idk where i'm going with this i'm very grateful for r&r and all the friends i've made and people i've met through it because i was very lonely before i rejoined tumblr and r&r was like. 90% of the reason i made my account

AND SPEAKING OF FRIENDS. thank u to

@spidergrotto & @sapoteylx for being the first ppl i met on here to openly talk about and support r&r which i thought was so so cool even if you guys have become my haters in the past few months i've known you :/ thank u r&r nation u keep me humble and miserable (and i am very thankful for our friendship i think some aspects of r&r would be very different if we'd never met)

& ao3 user classactical because you've been here since like. a month or two into the series i think and i always always always look forward to your comments because i feel like if you comment, i did a good job on the fic LOL thank u for sticking around for so long, even if ao3 has been actively working against you for a whiiiiile

there's a lot more i want to say and a lot of people i want to mention but that would take a very long time and i always feel weird tagging a lot of people in posts so just know if u read r&r we are kissing rn. or high fiving idk whatever floats ur boat i guess

but yeah anyway tl:dr happy birthday r&r i'm very proud of this series & very thankful for everyone who has read any part of it ever u guys are so cool and hot and have amazing taste and i'm taking your kudos and bookmarks etc. as you swearing your allegiance to me and promising me your undying support no matter what (legally binding btw) thank u guys

#r&r tease #ough i cannot believe r&r is a year old #happy birthday r&r you are my favorite child #gonna go post that fic now #or in like 10 minutes #idk i haven't edited anything #stay tuned

[svampira]

if you've seen me post this already no you did naut anyways human elias

#ok i posted this yesterday then deleted it cause it looked kind of bad #i fixed it and its cuter now👍 #not going in the tags this time #backstory time he was basically a cartoonishly evil jock but people just went along w it cause he was hot and had a celebrity mom #kind of guy to take highschool football way too fucking seriously. WAY TOO SERIOUSLY #ough his eyes look so weird here. whatever back to teen show antagonist backstory #idk i feel like he was just a nightmare to be around. whats worse than a tiktoker. a tiktoker quarterback whos obscenely rich and cant face #any consequences cause his dad funded the school #he got normaler after he graduated but got murdered less than a year after. sorry. at least he gets to finally murder people when hes undea #i feel like 90% of what was wrong with him as a teen was because he wasnt allowed to kill people during football matches but rest assured #he def tried #the way i draw him i feel it gives more cheerleader but his dex is way too low. maybe he was in his freshman year then jumped to 6 #*6.3 when he was like 16 and got forced into the football team #hes 6.4 when he dies at 19 #word dump OVER. maybe i should fix my toyhouse #/elias #scarabocchi

[brookheimer]

been seeing some weird takes ab the shiv pregnancy. like being ambivalent about how the writers will play it is one thing — it could end up being an incredible exploration into shiv’s internal life and her as a person beyond her relationships with men, but there are also a lot of ways to fuck up a pregnancy narrative and most are exercises in thinly veiled sexism, so it’s only natural to feel uncertain. we just don’t know how it’ll go yet!

…..buuuut. saying that pregnancy playing a role at all in shiv’s life/arc/character inherently reduces her to being The Woman just feels soooo like … rooted in internalized misogyny to me? that’s kinda doing the same thing as everyone always does — thinking less of a woman once she shows signs of, y’know, actually ‘being a woman’ quote unquote. a female character won’t stop being fully-fleshed-out, strong, independent, and interesting the second she get pregnant. pregnancy isn’t, like, just a sexist trope, guys. it’s a real thing with real importance in the lives of many, many people! pregnancy isn’t reductive to women, it’s just a part of life for some women! a lot of the time it feels like ‘good female characters’ are only seen as ‘good’ so long as you can almost forget that they’re female, so long as they act so ‘masculine’ it’s like they’re just a regular complex male character repackaged in a female body. but to be a complex female character, you’re going to have a relationship to your gender! that’s inevitable and necessary in order to actually create a good female character, rather than a good character who just so happens to be female. and this isn’t even touching upon the weird essentialism of being like oh womanhood = pregnancy & vice versa like…. y’all are complaining about the show ‘reducing shiv to womanhood’ but are you sure you’re not doing that? and besides what do you even mean ‘reduced to womanhood’? was she not a woman before? is she only a woman now that she’s pregnant? just some fucking bizarre takes all around.

the rest is under the cut because this got long, sorry !

i mean, why are we acting like the decision to explicitly explore shiv’s relationship with motherhood and femininity is bad writing and rooted in misogyny — like, not even the way it’s done, just the decision to make shiv pregnant? like, making a female character pregnant is not sexist in itself, at all! that is just part and parcel of some women’s lives! the only reason you would think pregnancy as a concept for a woman is sexist is if your internalized misogyny makes you think that pregnancy weakens or devalues a ‘strong woman’ !!! why are y’all acting like pregnancy is this terrible emasculating trope that puts the curse of Woman on characters like you sound like the roy men

and, like, maybe the storyline will suck! maybe it’ll be shitty and weird and not-so-secretly misogynistic. maybe the way they end up writing it will be yet another Career Woman Grows Heart And Has Kids or the equally bad Career Woman Feels Forced To Reject ‘Womanhood’ Entirely And That’s Supposed To Be Empowering narrative. but maybe it won’t. maybe it’ll be fucking great. maybe it’s fucking needed — maybe it will try to unravel to undo this exact centuries-long prejudice against pregnancy, against women who ‘act like’ women, whatever that’s supposed to mean. we just don’t know yet. so, like, while it is so fair to feel ambivalent about this development, maybe try to figure out what the root of that ambivalence is — is it fear that the writers will fuck it up, or is it your own pre-existing biases about pregnancy and stereotypically ‘feminine’ experiences and traits? because, yknow. it just feels kind of weird to act like the mere existence of pregnancy in the arc of a female character is inherently diminishing and reductive to her — after all, what you’re saying between the lines is not only that pregnancy diminishes and reduces independent powerful women to just being women, but youre also literally reducing the entirety of womanhood to pregnancy and the entirety of pregnancy to womanhood, and all of that feels just, like. a strange stance to take, maybe

#this is not about anyone or anything in particular!!!! i’ve just seen a lot of random weird posts and tags that just have these undertones #of internalized misogyny and judgment towards pregnancy and a lot of things that i just like… don’t think people really meant to say #if that makes sense. like it’s not purposeful there’s just some really weird language being thrown around that just feels very like… judgin #a woman for ‘acting like’ a woman #which is inherently a weak bad thing #like womanhood and strength are not diametrically opposed guys. you don’t have to choose between self-respect and femininity #actually this is getting into another arg about the unempowering nature of a lot of abortion plotlines these days but that’s for another #time so i digress #might delete this later i’m not trying to like start drama. i’m just thinking thoughts ab shit i’ve seen on reddit twitter sometimes here #sometimes articles…. idk. just thinking thoughts here fr #succession #succession spoilers #shiv roy #casey shut the fuck up about shiv roy #100

[icewindandboringhorror]

Baby boy brother birthday photos from last year that I just realized I never uploaded!

#cats #also hopefully it's not weird to still post photos of George (the brown cat) even after his death a little while ago. I just have so many #beautiful old pictures of him that I still love but just never had the time to sort through or upload (my cat photos folder on my #computer had like 450 pictures in it or something lol... SO many). I feel like it's kind of just honoring or appreciating him #and not actually strange or anything. like what am I supposed to do. delete them?? I want to share them still because he is beautiful and #perfect ! idk. aNYWAY. Also this is their 2022 birthday when they turned 14 years old. (even though I think when I posted #their 2021 bday I might have said they were 14 then too. I was off by a year lol). 2023 when they turned 15 I unfortunately #was feeling kind of sick at the time and didn't really have the energy to do the decorations like I usually do. So they just got a few #treats and stuff. But I didn't know that would be george's last birthday lol. :/ #They also do not really know or care though. they're cats who cannot process it or know the concept of birthdays so. eh #I still have no idea how these got lost on the computer though. Like I had them fully edited ready to post but just sitting in a folder?? #Since MARCH 2022 lol... ??? the folder was in another folder of pictures so maybe that's how I overlooked it #But it's my 'once every 4 months computer organizing and clean out time' so I was going tghrough looking for pictures #I could drafts posts out of or sort or etc. #They got lots more treats for this birthday because one of my friends actually game me a few gifts for them #elderly boys.!!!! #I used to write in the little caption/image description sections to talk about them all individually but at some point tumblr broke that #feature and for so long they never saved or weren't visible so I stopped doing them and just ramble a bunch in the tags instead #but I kind of miss them. Thinking about old posts of the cats where I commented on each photo individually too lol.. the good ole days

[rosekasa]

following up from My Body Is Being Concerning, today i learned that i am in fact capable of experiencing a panic attack so severe that i faint

#sorry for talking about this im just. Processing. bc wtf was that #but also when u think about it... pretty metal right #i know this sounds very sucky but like. there are other good things happening in my life so it kinda offsets This #im upset and a bit shaken that this happened as an Isolated Incident #but like. im drawing lots right now! and feeling good about that. so it's okay. but wtf #maybe will delete this later? my brain still feels fuzzy #hopefully the last post of this genre for a while i dont like the vibe it's been bringing to ladynoir brainrot blog #i think it's weird because there's like a LOT of pressure im experiencing in most parts of my life rn which clearly seem to be taking a toll #but the one thing im actually consciously spending time on (art and writing) has been going well. so i feel like. i at least have This #idk why i feel like this is necessary to post #i guess it just helps to know that y'all know that there r weird things afoot behind the url because it feels less like i have to be alone #with it #♡alizeh talks♡ #vent #panic attack mention

[eebie]

my last post got me thinking so im gonna do a poll to see what u guys think

id love to do a second poll like this on twitter and compare the results. they’d probably be very different from what i’m predicting the response to be here But also twitter is a notorious hellscape and im not setting foot in there. also theres a typo in that last option we isn’t supposed to be there.

EDIT: some clarification bc my wording may have been a little confusing: if two characters are not related in canon, but their voice actors are related in real life, would it be weird to ship the characters?

#not making this rebloggable in case it breaks containment or something #last thing i want is this blowing up my notifications #personally i’d feel weird about it #like nobodys Really doing anything wrong but at the same time #what if their voice actors found out and it made them uncomfortable ? #i know ed helms told oncest shippers to get help LMAO #but thats different #i guess i just border on not really caring i dont really ship characters in general so it wouldnt affect me #but yea i’d still feel weird about it Personally #wouldnt speak out against it but i wouldnt really encourage or interact w that stuff #just bc it has the potential to affect those hypothetical voice actors #dunno. what do u guys think? #maybe not wise of me to try 2 have a discussion like this on here But i have faith that u guys will stay decent #idk. if it starts to get crazy ill delete this post #Coming back to this hours later after posting this Yeah i dont care #idk what i was on this morning the odds of this happening are so low talking about it isnt even necessary unless it actually became a thing #Guess i was just curious to see what other people would think

[oceanwithouthermoon]

seeing my mutuals make fun of me with other people (especially where i can SEE IT) makes me feel sooo awkward like i thought we were buddies hi what is the problem...

#i have considered just deleting my tumblr so many times because people are so mean to me for no fucking reason hello #like can we not disagree on certain things without me getting called a freak or people asking whats 'wrong' with me #im literally BEGGING. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. #if u wanna have an actual conversation then lets do that but this weird high school bully shit is so fucking mean #my MUTUALS. PEOPLE IVE SPOKEN TO. #idk i sorta thought of this account as like an escape from irl shit but i just come on here and get people treating me in similar ways #there r people who i see their accounts and go 'cool i know this person!' +only have positive opinions of them even if we disagree sometime #but they just dont have the same attitude about me and it makes me feel so. isolated ? #this is sooo dramatic LOLLLL IM NOT THAT UPSET its just weird

[emjiroki]

Honestly don't know if I'll post the yuuta fic here I might just start posting on AO3...

#interactions here have been so low i feel like im being ignored most of the time #tumblr is just a strange place cause everyone seems to talk to everyone else on other plateforms and its... isolating #plus the likes to reblogs-comments ratio is just SO not it #idk im feeling weird give me and hour or two and this might be deleted #em talks 👄

[mitamicah]

.

#just me wanting to rent in the tags #i feel so self concious about being at my parents' house #how much or little i eat #every single microexpression i make is pointed out and laughed at #every odd sentence i say is mentioned so i know it was odd and weird #i know they dont mean any harm but i feel judged #i feel like me trying to be civil and nice is only making me feel awkward #there are times i feel okay but honestly i have been feeling a bit more of these less than ideal moments #that on top with having allowed myself to enjoy treats since its christmas has made me feel odd with my body as well #at least rn #i feel bloated and awkward #wanting to hide away in big shirts #the skin under my skin is falling in a way that is uncomfy and make me fear having a double chin #i try to tell myself this doesnt matter and my body is fine enough #channel käärijä yk #i am not doing a good job however #idk i might delete this tomorrow #sorry for ruining the christmas spirit #micahs thoughts

[waterfallofspace]

Little mostly positive waterfall ramble/rant under the cut~ (warning, I do swear a lil haha~ and feel free to ignore ofc!~)

Finally got the dumb panic-induced false confidence nerve to tell one of my only two in-person (well, one province over, but USED to be in person till earlier this year) friends about The Kink. I've told a handful of internet friends before, but never an actual real life friend I might have to see in person one day.

He actually took it really well, my other irl friend (of 15 years, his girlfriend, known him only about 3-4) would not want to know, we just don't have that type of relationship, she doesn't have that comfort level, but me and him have always been able to have deep and honest talks~

I was. Honestly scared out of my fucking mind. We were in call, but I typed the messsage and then IMMEDIATELY deafened until he read it, but once I got back we had a good talk, he asked a few questions, we made a few jokes, and overall the mood didn't change at all.

I'm honestly always so worried people will think I'm getting off to them sn--zing every time... or anyone else who does... which, ofc, just isn't how it works, but he didn't even consider that. (and made a few joking-yet-honest comments that even if I did get off to him snzing, he wouldn't honestly care. Which knowing him, is completely true~)

Anyways, this is a bit of a random/personal thing to post, but I've been so deeply ashamed of this part of me for so long, and then only recently started feeling more comfortable, and I've been toying/struggling with the idea of telling him for almost a year now, so to finally do it, and get such a good response... honestly it just feels so good. I don't think anything's gonna change in our dynamic, or get weird in any way, and that fills me with so much relief. (and yes, he knows I have a tumblr, but he promised not to search for it thank GOD)

#waterfallrants #waterfallrambles #waterfallpersonal #thats not a tag but now it is! because this is my blog! and i can do! what i want! #actively using it as a journal at this point but you know what i dont care #im out of my mind right now- literally just got off call my heart is POUNDING #but he took it so well and was like 'oh- that's it??' #the only time he was like 'woah what thats a bit weird' was when i told him how long ive felt this way (since lil child) #but otherwise he was so supportive (in his own 'makes jokes about it but gives genuine comfort with them' way) #and honestly it feels. so refreshing?? that now he.... i guess TRULY knows me?? like- knows this side of me. knows ME me #idk guys please feel free to ignore this honestly might even delete it later idk but im just kinda exhausted in a good way #it was a good talk (liek we always have) and im honestly not sure why i was even so worried in the first place ToT

[muninnhuginn]

having to make myself just pull back a second and go for "simplest explanation that fits all the facts and isn't accidentally inferring beyond the facts we do have".

#I tend to not want to eliminate possibilities so long as there's even a small chance of them happening and I get why #but at the same time I've ended up doubting things that I think in retrospect I should have taken at face value. #so being sus of ltx beyond the point at which it was clear she wasn't some secret mastermind and wondering if chen bin was even possessed. #and I've ended up making assumptions without realising we're not actually shown it (re: presuming photo possession allowed control) #I think it's mainly just frustrating because in retrospect I can see the clues all lining up. it's not that it wasn't fair play. #the pieces were all there. #link click #link click spoilers #(for the tags :V) #And I'll be honest. Usually I just keep theorising to myself unless I'm super certain or enough other people think similarly #because sometimes I'm on point and can't explain why and other times I trust hunches and don't realise that's what I'm doing so get confuse #when suddenly a piece of media seems to 'contradict' itself. when it's actually just contradicting what I thought I'd inferred #just. taking a step back and trying to apply the simplest explanation that fits. applying common sense as to what fits within genre etc. #I feel really weird about meta-gaming theorising using stuff like current pacing etc but at the same time it's still data that's available #and as long as it's not stuff like idk an interview giving it all away I don't think it's necessarily 'cheating'? #(may delete later idk)

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

hate how im now at a point where im legit like kicking my legs and grinning like an idiot over fictional characters SEND HELP

#take One Guess who im talking about. YES ITS KOI BOI #hes so prettyyyyy and cute and lovely and i love looking at him i wanna hear him speak and laugh and sing just AAAAAAAAAAAA #(turns to my own brain) BITCH WE ARE MEANT TO BE AROACE WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH TWO FICTIONAL CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING????? #my brain: (that fuckin anime girl gif from evangelion (i think??)) #like fuuuuuck man is it self shipping if u use a proxy? like. hes an oc but he's a stand in for me. he is me and i am him but we also arent #he is his own person and i am my own our lives are very very different but i use him to express love for Mad Dog and Koi Boy #cause they could actually love him if i were in their world i wouldnt stand a chance but my boy has one so he loves them for me #its far easier to imagine him kissing them than it is for me to imagine myself kissing them but that might be because im wired weird #idk it *feels* like it counts yknow. my dumbass out here gettin jealous when i see a Certain Ship cause like i disagree with it on #a Fundamental Level. and on TOP of that half the time the art is so CUTE and im like 'motherfucker that should be ME' or i guess my lad but #STILL am i making sense?? doesnt help that i worry im like. misreading what content i have but also fuck you i can do what i want and also #i get him more than yall kgyugkhjhk (jk jk. Unless) basically when i call them my boyfriends i fuckin mean it #look its Real Missing Nishiki Hours i love him i wanna kiss his perfect face someone shoulda shown him love i could save him and he could #make me worse <3 I Want Him #and do not get me wrong i may be focused on him but Majima is still my wifey too!!! hes mine you cant have her <3 #i just have koi boy brainrot i very much desire them Both (YES THAT MIGHT BE WHY I SHIP THEM TOO LOOK I ALSO THINK THEYD WORK WELL TOGETHER #OR AT LEAST HAVE A FUN DYNAMIC TO EXPLORE I SHOULD DATE THEM AND THEY SHOULD DATE EACH OTHER WE ALL HAVE 2 HANDS) #might delete this in the mornin who knows but im feelin silly i wanna talk about them i wanna talk about my boy but idk if ppl would really #GET IT yknow i can think of maybe Two People and that INCLUDES bestie but just aaaa point is i love my koi boy so much hes so lovely <3 <3

[artemislosthunter]

does anyone else feel just insanely guilty for spending money on things you genuinely need?

This is not about the cosplay, but I spend a bit of my own saved up (!!) money on things I needed for college and for my PC (the new screen) and I Just sit there and feel like I wasted my money?? Idk it's so fucking annoying-

#makes it hard to ask for the cosplay despite my mom saying that it's my birthday present and she's fine with the prize #idk it's weird ... I paid for all the expensive shit myself yet I still feel so entitled and spoiled asking her for the gift she has #promised me just two weeks ago and said she was fine with it #but I suddenly feel like with the amount of moeny I spend (on things I genuinely needed !!! lexy wtf) I shouldn't ask for anything else #despite all of it before being paid with my own money #idk this is a bit of a rant or a vent idk #maybe my dad engrained this into my head by always complaining about me asking for things I did need #and couldn't get myself bcs I was a kid. which is ironic bcs he spend copius amounts of money on things for himself #but kept complaining when my mom and I genuinely needed something #so maybe I'll just feel bad for buying things for a long time #or asking for gifts that are a bit more expensive (she reassured me every single day that it was okay that she buys this and here we are #again with me feeling like a spoiled brat for asking for smth that's not under 30 euros or smth) #(30 euros is the most expensive gift I have ever asked for before and that was unironically 12 - almost 13 years ago) #yeah idk I'm strange I think #lets hope I can get her outfit bcs I'd be so happy abt that #so lets hope I get the courage to ask slkdjls #delete later

[running-in-the-dark]

sooooo

I'm 32 now

when can I expect to finally grow out of getting obsessed with men people stuff? I'm waiting....

#I doooo not want it #it's embarrassing #can it stop please #BUT also can I not feel depressed and like an empty shell when it's not happening #I mean I can handle it when it's things. hobbies. shows. whatever #sure it usually ends up being expensive as fuck but #at least I don't go around humiliating myself by talking about nothing but a random guy for months on end #how embarrassing! I think a man is hot! I must jump off a cliff immediately #but whyyyy can't I be normal about it at least #other people get obsessed with normal things! like. idk. anything else #soo anyway the opening narration for the texas chainsaw massacre is great isn't it? he did such a good job :) what a nice voice :) I am not #going to be weird about this man any longer :) no I won't! I'm normal about him! I don't want to bite him or chew on his face or anything #like that. just normal things. uh. sex? that's what people usually want. yeah fine that. I mean I do. want. oh I think I'm doing it again #haha no it's fine I just think he's neat (he's the only person on earth no one else exists anymore he's so beautiful oh my god have you seen #his little face he looks like a cute little potato I've never seen anything prettier in my life haha I need to run my hands through his hair #and have you seen how tall he is and he's so cute and I need to. be taken outside and shot. god. #I keep. shrieking. every time I see him. at such a high frequency that it hurts my own fucking ears. because. I can't believe that he exists #I'm. so. stupid!!!! #annnd repeat this every time this happens blah blah blah i should jsut delete this blog right now oh my GOD.

[phantomoftheorpheum]

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#people really relate thinness to health so much that i keep getting compliments about how 'great' i look lately #like yeah thanks just rapidly losing large amounts of weight and none of my doctors can figure out why and also my hair is falling out #just girly things obvs #but yeah i'm skinny rn and my ribs and collarbones are sticking out and apparently that trumps everything else #in december i might have weighed a lot more but i felt great #so far all of 2024 i have been incredibly sick and all my lab work comes back weird but not definitive #anyway #tw: weight loss #tw: ed #tw: disordered eating #<< i mean it's not but this could be triggering for people so tagging it #tw: chronic illness #I think the extreme weight loss and the hair falling out are related like both of these things have only been happening since my #chronic illness flare but they can't find any reason for the flare and it is not stopping so honestly idk what to do #also i feel like i have a uti all the time but the results come back negative #venting will delete this later #my chronic illness was in remission for basically exactly one year and now it's worse than ever #and i'm so tired #td #personal