#but it’s actually killing me. like physically. that this is happening rn. i don’t know what the fuck im going to do. and we aren’t even f
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ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings
#purrs#sobbed hysterically writing the message and that was like 4 hrs ago (yeah.) and im still like dizzy and puffy eyed from it. i am not having#a good time lol. and it’s only going to get more intense this whole week and i don’t know if i can handle it. ive been overstimulated /#sleep deprived for like 2 straight days bc yesterday i was doing everything in my power to avoid thinking abt it and today i was doing#everything in mt power TO think abt it including being subjected to things that were hard and ofc the walk being a flop kinda lol. but omg.#mutuals i know it’s so deeply cringe but i have been vagueposting abt my work life since before i even got the fucking job. i know i look#mentally ill about it and i definitely am but my colleagues past and present are my best friends and my number 1 reason to be alive#actually. so this is just. idk. this feels very……. especially when this is someone who was never supposed to leave this suddenly. who i thou#thought i had years and years left with. and it’s just over like that and we have to say goodbye and i know it’s not even that big of a move#but it’s actually killing me. like physically. that this is happening rn. i don’t know what the fuck im going to do. and we aren’t even f#gonna be able to grieve openly at all but we are grieving and she doesn’t even.. like idk. maybe it just hasn’t occurred to her that we are.#but we literally are and its soooooooo bad. it’s so bad. i feel like im having a bad dream every day. i already felt like nothing was real#anymore and this helped abt -50000% with that sensation. like wtf is going on rn. she’s LEAVING. ON FRIDAY. FOREVER. FUCK!#but uh yeah the point is i do want to talk to her and if it was anyone else i would. but when it comes to emotional stuff and being honest#w each other abt how one makes the other feel… we are incompatible im afraid. she doesn’t want to talk abt it and all i want to do is talk b#but im shy and weak so i cave and just do everything in my power to give her what she needs and then i feel shattered for the rest of the#day / week / whatever. it fucking sucks and im not like that w anyone else in my little irl world (except my p*rents ofc LMAO) but it’s like#onmgggggg. can we please just talk abt how it is so painful you are doing this and comfort each other in it somehow. LOL! like i am in so mu#much pain i can’t even speak and she didn’t even look at me when i flicked my eyes over to her during the silences. CRINGE! girl she doesn’t#care about you 😭😭😭😭 except she does. idk. it’s just sooooo. idk. my brain is not right it hasn’t been since i got the news. i think im dying#delete later#OMG ALSO it is now the wee hours of july 26 which means that 3 yrs ago right abt now i did something so very stupid that made me have my#first very bad breakdown ever and it led to me realizing i needed counseling again. so maybe in the spirit of this anniversary i will do#this stupid thing (of asking to talk and then saying what i want to say even though i wrote it out) and then have a very bad breakdown and t#then go to counseling 🥳✌️
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MW3 Thoughts VAGUE/NO SPOILERS
I just finished the campaign and I am, to put simply, confused. I was actually drafting my original chatty type of post and semi-watching the cutscene when I got the ‘complete the campaign’ achievement and felt my jaw physically drop cuz wtf? It felt so abrupt. Not even just for that character but also the storyline in general. Maybe the reg release is longer?? Idk
My og post draft:
So I got to the train mission… all I’m saying is NOTHING in this game is changing my current fic draft cuz I did NOT write over 42 pages of pre-established character x reader for this stupid game to do this to me.
And that is true! Ig it’s just gonna be a little sappier and more indulgent now that I know what’s canon, though I am NOT killing anyone off cuz fuck you.
I literally spent weeks writing this fic and thought ‘oh perfect, I’ve got some more content to flush out the story and characters by adding the events of MW3. It can’t change the fic plot that much.’
Yeah. So anyways. If you’ve played the prerelease of the MW3 campaign you know the pre-established relationship in this fic I’m writing. It’s poly!141 anyways tho so fun fun fun!
I’m going to have to spend a good week or two re-figuring out the timeline of events because I’m 99% sure the game messed up the timeline lol (that or Johnny and Ghost had met pre-MW2? But then their scenes together don’t really make sense in either game? Idfk)
Buuuuuut once that’s figured out I can post the chapters I already have earlier than planned cuz I already have some REALLY sappy loveydovey writing for that character and I think it’s needed rn. They’re decently long (usually 2-5k) and I’m p proud of them :,)
We’ll see ig. Post-game ramble over :,(
Oh and ofc can’t forget to mention how Price looked so good in those end cutscenes. Absolutely scrumptious. Delectable. Muah
Edit: okay so I’ve been doing some thinking… I’m still not killing off that character in my fic lol no not happening. BUT. I like the direction I can go with this for the rest of the characters. Hmmmmmmmm
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<3
#call of duty modern warfare 3#call of duty#modern warfare 2#modern warfare fanfiction#simon riley#simon riley x reader#johnny mactavish#johnny mactavish x reader#ghost x reader x soap#ghost x reader#soap x reader#john mactavish#soap x gaz x reader#gaz x reader#kyle garrick x reader#kyle garrick#john price#john price x reader#simon ghost riley#johnny soap mactavish#kyle gaz garrick#captain john price#captain john price x reader#cod mw2#cod mw3
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IM GOING TO GET SO TITLED AT THE TOWERS /ref
yep!! no change on cootstorm being a piece of shit!! imaging a teen telling u he doesn’t want to date a baby and u decide to stop teaching him. i hope she dies so i can edit her with the grimace shake
the fact that they can see the distant lush prairies but they choose to stay because of their long gone kin sucks???? like not in a bad writing way, but in a i feel bad for these kitties way :(( its not ur fault what happened :(( u shouldn’t live in pain just for the mistakes of a dead cat :((
IS MEADOWKIT GON BE OK?? :((( IM SO HAPPY CORMORANTPAW VISITED BC OF HIS PARENTAL TRAUMA AND STUFF BC NOW HE GETS TO SEE KITS THAT R GONNA BE TREATED LIKE KITS (HOPEFULLY, IF COOTSTORM BACKS UP) BUT… BABEY PLS BE OK.. I KNOW UR NOT GONNA KILL KITS BUT I CAN STILL BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE PARADITE
i want to punch beeface in the face. daffodilpaw has been a blorbo i’ve related to since day once u don’T SAY THAT TO THE ME FR!!!!!! BEEFACE IS GUILT TRIPPING HER ABOUT THE BABIES IM GOING TO BITE HER AND SHAKE HER AROUND AND PUT HER IN A BLENDER!!!!!!!!! AND THE FACT THAT SHE RAISES HER PAW AND DAFFODILPAW IMMEDIATELY COVERS HER FACE SCARES ME BECAUSE THAT IMPLIES THAT SHE IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT BEEFACE WAS GONNA HIT HER WITH IMPLIES THAT THIS ISN’T THE FIRST TIME AND AGAAGAHAHHAGRRHEAHVAGRJRGRJRJRKSSNNR
slugpelt is best mom omg. she’s redeemed so much she cares about her kids im gonna sob fkejdkd. go kick beeface’s ass!!!!! she cares about her kiddos (daff specifically rn) so muccch. big mama bear ready to throw hands but willing to soften for daffy…
redpelt being able to stand up and diffuse the situation (before slugpelt threw hands) was so cool to see!! she’s trying she’s getting better she wants to help she wants to be a good deputy GRRRR
i want to fistfight plumstripe too actually. the fact that she looked at beeface guilttripping daffodilpaw before narrowly being unable to physically harm her with a smack(?) and then turned to asphodelpaw (the sister of the victim of the situation) and instead of being supportive she just?? used it as a way to better herself?? this is not the time daffodilpaw could have been HURT PHYSICALLY. AND POTENTIALLY COULD HAVE BEEN FOR AWHILE!!! i’m going to put plumstripe in the blender too i’m having plum and bee smoothies
sorry this is a little more chaotic (and violent) than usual. this is a good issue!!!!!! family hug :3
Just your daily confirmation that Cootstorm still sucks! More at 10.
Unfortunately the whole comic is about paying for the mistakes of your ancestors in an eternal cycle of punishment and misery. :( Not fun.
YEAH Beeface is. Not great in this issue. The fact that Daffodilpaw covers her face as Beeface raises her paw... yes, I do think Beeface is the type of person to use corporal punishment from time to time. The kind of "a good smack around the head will get you thinking straight" person. Hopefully Slugpelt being a good mom took away some of that sting, though, I liked writing her in this issue a lot.
Plumstripe's discipline of choice revolves a lot more around subtle emotional manipulation, I don't think she'd ever get her paw dirty with anything more than a shove. But she certainly doesn't make Asphodelpaw feel good about herself much.
NEVER apologize for sharing feelings in your asks. I love them!!
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// sfw alphabet for nine under the cut because i am sick and cannot work on cooler content rn 😔 go crazy
A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)
as a baseline i’d say he’s a very affectionate person. he’s not afraid of initiating it either, even in tense or violent situations he can be very warm and cordial. in situations like these i think a lot of people can take it as a mockery or some sort of weird threat, which can be partially true, but not always. sometimes his comforts are genuine but just happen to scare the shit out of people, he doesn’t give up tho.
B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)
i’ll say that he’s very elusive and just disappears for days at a time sometimes. he’s a very hard person to be friends with because he’s notoriously hard to get ahold of. you’d never know much about him or his life, but he’d end up knowing everything about yours.
C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)
nine is naturally a very touchy person i think, that’s kind of just how he is, very into tapping on shoulders and such. when he does actually hold people though it’s very very lightly because he’s always conscious of how much force he’s using. he’s automatically very heavy handed so he really has to be aware of himself.
D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)
there will be no settling down ever. he’s mediocre at cooking it’s definitely not that bad but he’s no chef, i would trust him to cook me food and not kill me while also having it taste relatively good. nine is a very very clean person so even though his spaces might be kind of cluttered sometimes he’s very good with cleanliness upkeep. i will say there’s at least 5 empty water bottles on his nightstand tho.
E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)
the most horrible way possible actually. nine will do almost anything to convince people to dislike him because he loves self sabotage and ruining everything that makes him happy. no matter what he will find a way to make you leave him eventually.
F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)
don’t even get me started on how deathly allergic he is to the idea of commitment
G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)
very much so. physically it can be a litttle difficult because he has to be very careful with how much force he applies all the time but he does his best and usually he does it very well, very soft touches. emotionally he can be very gentle with people which might be surprising, even if he’s dropping his whole murder monologue bomb on you he somehow finds a way to be very calm and gentle about it a lot of the time.
H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)
nine hugs are warm and all encompassing. very very nice and cozy if nine hugged me i would immediately fall asleep. he’s very soft and cushy. and i think we all know he doesn’t mind people initiating physical contact with him.
I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)
genuinely do not know if he’s ever seriously told another human being that he loves them except for his mother. it’s not that he doesn’t like or love people, he just doesn’t express it that way. i think part of him thinks it’s embarrassing to the other person so he just never verbally expresses it seriously.
J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)
there is not a jealous bone in his body actually i don’t even know if he’s capable of this. maybe when he was like 17 and always mad idk. it’s actually comical he is not jealous or envious of anyone he’s like 31 and has already accepted that he is a depraved useless person that deserves nothing.
K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)
L = Little ones (How are they around children?)
very good actually. he talks to them like tiny adults and they tend to like him cause he’s big and nice. i will say he might curse around them though because he forgets.
M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)
this is assuming you’ll ever see the day where you find a way to wake up before he dips
N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)
it varies very heavily because there’s a lot of things that could be happening at night and some of those things are nice but some of them are scary.
O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)
never ever. he will actually go to great lengths to avoid telling people about himself, his only interest is knowing about other people. he’s somehow mastered switching the topic of conversation onto others.
P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)
nine has absolutely incredible patience and he does not get mad ever, not outwardly at least. there’s not really anything for him to be mad about regardless. he’s a very calm and patient person no matter how intense the situation might be, he’s really just never in a rush. however in his late teens he was very different.
Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)
he remembers everything, more than you probably remember about yourself. that’s the one joy he’ll allow himself to have, knowing things about people and asking questions about them. it’s a little scary.
R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)
we all know how nine feels about the concept of relationships
S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)
very actually. nine doesn’t want to be protected in the slightest, but he does want to protect other people. he doesn’t want any harm brought to people that haven’t done anything, but i will say that most people have probably done something in their lives.
T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)
nine does not do dates or anniversaries or gifts. on a broader spectrum it’s not that he doesn’t try at things it’s just kind of that he’s pretty mediocre. if you asked him to draw a cat for you he would definitely do it but it would be ugly.
U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)
okay well i would say the constant self sabotage and destruction is probably not good. and when i say constant i mean constant sometimes it’s so stupid. sometimes he’ll get his favorite soda and then give it to someone else just so he can’t have it.
V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)
very but not in the way you’d expect. he’s concerned because he wants to keep himself ugly and hide his face from people. he doesn’t really put any effort into making himself “pretty” aside from basic cleanliness and hygiene but that’s only because when it comes to his body he’s a complete clean freak. plus all his clothes look pretty stupid.
W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)
no ! to be honest he will never feel complete because he will not allow anything to make him happy and he likes it that way. there will always be something missing and he’s destined to walk the rest of his life like that. he thinks of himself as some sort of pyramidhead like figure, some sort of executioner and purveyor of doom cursed to do this until he can’t walk any more. there is no suffering but there is no lack of suffering.
X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)
i can’t make headcanons because i made him so here’s some ezzy made:
dad mannerisms. he makes the most heinous dad-like noises when he sits down or gets up.
exclusively wears those dc shoes with the tongue halfway up the calf.
nails and nail beds are disturbingly well kept.
Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)
the one thing that really grinds his gears is people who are ungrateful to be alive. he’ll make you happy to be alive in the most unnecessary and gruesome way possible. he does not like it when people don’t appreciate the gift of life and living and he especially doesn’t like it when they attempt to throw that opportunity away.
Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)
overall he’s a very sleepy guy and he does have a bad habit of taking cat naps and not having an actual sleep schedule. i think i can also mention his horrible snoring and sleep apnea LOL
#carnalposting#no i’m not doing the other one because it looks corny sorry#if u have any more prompts like this one lmk :3
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Hoo boy 🤯
One of my aunts had children much later in life (auntie is almost 60 and has a daughter who is 12) and I stopped by yesterday just to say hi, and I walked into WW3
Like I’m just sitting there, minding my own business and being a good nephew 😇 when out of nowhere, my 12yr old cousin just blurts out, “Odin please tell her that 12 isn’t too young to be on birth control!”
Like, JFC. Are you … are you being serious rn??
I’m positive that the slow motion side eye I gave her was fucking severe enough to kill
Me: Well y’all, I’ll be right back
*me to myself: I have no intention of ever returning to this quadrant of the universe in the foreseeable future*
My auntie: No Odin, don’t go anywhere. You two are about the same age. I’d love to hear your thoughts—(again, my little cuz’n is 12, I’m almost 40, I’m a cis/het Black man, both my parents are Black, the 12yr old identifies as “biracial” and as “bi” period, and how tf am I anywhere close to being helpful? My ex gave me a cactus plant bc she knew I could never successfully grow plants in my house, and she said a cactus was a safe plant for me. And then I killed it!! I don’t even have any children! How am I remotely qualified? Why are I here??)
Auntie: Well, Odin??
Me, to myself: *Okay. No escape routes handy. Try to say something intelligent, and don’t cuss*
Me: *ahem* So talk to us. Why are you sO determined to get on birth control, and why NOW? Is there a boy? Has your mother met him yet? Please talk to us. This is a no-judgement zone, okay?? *staring intently at my aunt*
Yes, there is a boy. Yes, she’s “in love” 🙄
And by now the absolute gravity of the situation is dawning on me, and I’m starting to forgive my aunt for not letting me escape from their family convo. She was, apparently, taken by surprise as much as I was. She didn’t know about any of this, and she needed a buffer to compose herself, and I guess it was me that day
It’s such a long ass story
Anyway, after what seemed like hours of listening to the 12yr old wax on about how mature she believes she is, my aunt actually said, “I’m glad that you felt you could trust me with this,” and I think I almost fainted. Was definitely not expecting auntie to be so calm about it (sn: she’s an old, Black Pentecostal church lady auntie, so anything other than extreme anger + slut shaming is wayyy off brand here - hopefully it was genuine and not just something she said just bc EYE was present)
Then auntie asked her daughter to step outside so that the adults could talk (lol, I almost thought she meant someone else other than me and I nearly left the room with the 12yr old)
Here’s where the problem comes in: my immediate reaction was, if the kid truly thinks she’s in love + has clearly considered having sex, then put her on the pill or some other birth control immediately. But Auntie thinks it’s too early bc she doesn’t think her daughter is emotionally ready for sex, and not mature enough either (my 12yr old cuz’n thinks that if she takes a birth control pill on Monday, then she can have sex on Tuesday. I was stunned at how difficult it was to disabuse her of this notion - which apparently is “common knowledge” amongst her peers)
My aunt thinks putting her daughter on birth control would be encouraging a child to engage in intercourse, but I kept trying to drive home the fact that she IS going to have sex anyway, with or without contraception, and with or without auntie’s consent—that’s just a matter of fact, like taxes and physics and gravity
I kept saying, “just be glad she came to you beforehand, or at all, because now you have a chance to act and to protect her”
But then we found out about the boy. He’s a fucking mess, and almost 4yrs older than her
My aunt is leaning towards something like, “If she can demonstrate that she’s ready and mature enough, then maybe I’ll let her go on the pill when she turns 13 or 14,” and I’m like, what happens if SHE doesn’t wait until then?? Nobody can watch her 24/7/365 and if she’s determined to have sex, then she absolutely will
…I honestly do not know what the right answer is here, but I think I’m right?
And young Black girls “falling in love” and having babies with the first guy who is halfway nice to them, before they graduate high school, is already a thing™ in Pentecostal churches. I’m like, auntie what you have here isn’t a setback—this is a golden opportunity to help break a cycle
I know I’m old af, but kids seem to grow up so damn fast nowadays. At 12 all I wanted to do was play basketball, read comic books, and hang out with my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I liked girls and I knew they existed, but SEX? “Sex” was that blurry thing that you occasionally saw on the cable channels you couldn’t afford, as you were flipping through the channels to get to the X-Men cartoons. And I understand that I’m extremely slow here. After all, I was a Pentecostal church boy who took a “purity oath” and was a virgin until I was 25yrs old
Idk how parents deal with this kind of shit. I always thought that one day I would make a great parent, but every time I hear about the problems some of my family encounter with their children, it just chips away at that belief of me being “good parent” material. Lmao, my confidence that I would be a good parent USED to be bigger than Plymouth Rock, but now it’s about the size of a pebble
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Hi, are your requests still open?? Or I'll even pay you to write something too.
If they are, can I request fic with Deimos, Hank, 2B, and Sanford protecting and comforting a FTM(not transitioned yet) reader that is their partner. They protect him from an abusive family member? If that's not okay then maybe just comforting them on a really really bad dysphoria day?
I'm dealing with major family issues rn on top of my HEDS/POTS flair ups and I'm just breaking down and need some comfort from my boys that would def hug me and kiss me and tell me im okay and tell my family members to "Fuck off cuz I am a real man." I'm trying to draw some art too... but I have major art block art.. but your writing Is amazing and inspirational. I always look forward to everything you do. You are my hero and I wish I could write like you. Thank you for everything you do and please take care of yourself! Drink and eat pls!!❤️❤️❤️
Also this is the first time I'm asking something and I'm to nervous to come of anon so I guess you could call me...Kai? Thanks and sorry if this is too much yiu can ignore it
I'm sorry to hear about everything you've been going through Kai, it's beyond awful to have family members who're so unsupportive and damaging. :( I'd be more than happy to provide some comfort and protection from the boys for you, and as always, free of charge. <3 (Thank you so so much for your kind words as well, they're awfully sweet of you to say and reading them made me pretty emotional haha. I'm glad you like my work so much, it's readers like yourself that make writing so fulfilling for me, so thank you for that as well. And please take care of yourself too, of course. :)) 💕
[Part 1] They Protect a Transmasc!Reader from their Abusive Family ft. Hank & Sanford
(TW: Transphobia, Verbal Abuse, Violence (they're not yandere but still, it's Madcom), ft. Transmasc!Reader) //- {PART 2 HERE <3} -//
- [HANK J. WIMBLETON] -
Anyone who knows of your significance to Hank would realize that it’s not exactly a good idea to try anything against you, whether it be trying to make you uncomfortable or attacking you physically.
Your partner is the most wanted man in Nevada, and he has absolutely no patience when it comes to anyone or anything threatening you, period. It doesn’t matter if it’s some random grunt on the street, or some agent Doc insists he works with, or even if they’re an Employer. If they hurt you in any way, shape, or form, he’s paying them back for it tenfold.
It’s only right since you’re likely a target simply for your relationship with him and he considers it his “job” to protect the people he loves. And by that, just you, really. He can’t even remember the names of the other SQ members he works with 90% of the time, so you’re it for him. Although this just means all of his protective instincts are centered on a single person, which if anything would be more of a deterrent. (For mildly intelligent people, at least.)
However, while he never expected your family of all groups to be added to his “blacklist”, he isn’t averse to going after them the same way he does all your other persecutors. Hank genuinely couldn’t care less about their blood relation with you or any history you have with them; he solves nearly all his problems with violence anyway, so another set of bodies means very little to him in the long run. (Bear in mind, he won’t outright kill them in front of you, you don’t need to see that.)
Though because you’d generally prefer not to have to deal with organizing a funeral or explaining why your significant other gunned down your family (to your other family members who you'd prefer not to speak to), you made him swear not to kill them. A shame since they more than deserved it to him, but you're one of the few people Hank actually listens to, so he'll go along with it.
However, you never told him that he couldn't be violent with his protectiveness, even if they didn't end up dead.
So when he happens to be accompanying you to your family’s place to fetch some of your things and someone decides to make a little unwelcome comment about you (something about how you’re “never gonna be a real man”, whatever that means), he bristles when he hears the words. The look of discomfort and sadness on your face immediately drives him to physically threaten them; he's quick to invade the offending family member's space, anger coursing through his veins as a hand reaches for one of his knives.
It doesn’t take long for whoever made the comment to be thrown to their knees, a blade at their throat before you’re able to stop him. He's always been impulsive, and what they've just done to you would be enough to warrant murder if it were from anyone else. (They should consider themselves lucky you were more merciful than he was.)
He can only think of the look of your frowning visage as he grabs their jaw harshly, almost driving the knife into them as they jolt in his grasp. He usually doesn't care about insults, but if they're against you and targeting something so intrinsic to who you are, it's enough to piss him off immensely on your behalf, to say the least.
"Newsflash, asshole. Nobody asked for your dogshit opinion," he hisses, jostling your terrified family member before forcefully turning them to look in your direction. "See him? He's a real man. If you're too stupid to understand that, that's on you. But if you say anything like that to my boyfriend again, I'll fucking kill you, understand, dipshit?"
You know it's more of a bluff than a genuine promise, given the fact that you've been over this with him before. (Or at least you think so.) You ignore your family member's pleading for Hank to let them go, as well as the other people in the house who've come to watch, still feeling hurt at their comment. Having your partner there made it better, but it still didn't lessen the sting of the words themselves.
Hank notices this of course and will drop the offending individual to the floor (paying no mind to how their skull painfully hits the concrete below them, whoops) so he can pick you up protectively and remove you from the situation entirely. You let him, of course, silently eyeing your family from over his bicep as you snuggle into his arms, relaxing a little for once that evening.
The complete juxtaposition in Hank's behavior the moment you two exit through the front door is honestly amusing to you in retrospect, but in your sickened feelings at what just happened you don't notice it. He holds you tighter to himself as he walks, leaning down to press his forehead to yours and nuzzle into your temple. You told him once that his purring was comforting for you, so he'll do it here, and loudly too. He's relieved when he feels you sink into his grasp more at all his affection, but he can tell what just happened is still weighing on you.
Despite excelling at dealing with matters physically, Hank is very inept at anything concerning emotions (and to his credit, he knows it very well). He'll still try though since you need the encouragement and he hates seeing that despondent look on you. (He also just loves you and wants you to be alright, but that's hardly anything new.)
"You okay?" He rasps lowly, almost whispering to you, and you give a strained half smile in response. He tilts his head in concern and you sigh, reaching up to cup his cheek and watching as he leans into your hand absentmindedly.
"Not really, no, that was…a lot. I will be though, eventually…Thanks for that, by the way," you say, voice small as you rest your head on his chest. It’s funny, you were only there for forty-five minutes and you’re exhausted. This only makes you doubly grateful for your partner being willing to carry you and comfort you physically, even when you don’t feel like talking.
You could feel him nod resolutely against your hand, the only reply you’ll get from him on this matter. His silence is fine with you; you were so close that you didn’t need words to understand his view anyway. Especially not with how he makes sure to hold you as close to him as possible on the way back, wrapping you up tightly in his arms as if to protect you from the rest of the world as he takes you back home, where you’ll be safe from everything else.
Hank’s type of care is a strange one. Filled with gentle touches and harsh protectiveness, Nevada’s most infamous mass murderer is nothing if not soft around you. You were a point of vulnerability for him, but one that he welcomed with open arms. He’d rather die than let something happen to you (and he’d be very willing to if it came down t it). Even if the threat isn’t incredibly violent, his main priority is your well-being, whether that be your physical or mental health. Perhaps this is why you feel comfortable enough to fall asleep in his arms, content that he’d keep you safe as you went home. He wouldn’t let anything happen to you and you knew it. After all, he loves you beyond belief, just as you do him.
- [SANFORD] -
As one of the few people in Nevada who actually has a semi-intact family in his life, Sanford knows the true value of having close relationships with your parents and/or siblings. However, he realizes that your family is also the people who can cause you the most suffering. They know every little button to press to get a reaction, and it's only elevated to a more painful level if they don’t accept you for who you truly are.
In all likelihood, you’ve confided to him before about your familial situation, and what he heard both depressed and angered him. How anyone could be so awful to you is just beyond him; you’re one of the nicest people he’s had the pleasure of coming across and he wouldn’t trade you for everything, why would your family do you so much harm purposefully?
The feeling of disgust only festers with each time you tell him about another one of your family's abusive actions towards you, and he honestly considers just suggesting you cut them off. They don't deserve to have someone like you around them, just as you don't deserve to be mistreated for something as simple as your gender identity. You don't need to justify who you are to them, and the fact that they badger you about it and degrade you is enough to make his blood boil.
You probably don't see your family that often anyway, cause once you two got together he was fully willing to just get a place with you away from anywhere having to do with them. The further the better. (The last thing he wanted to happen was for them to encounter you when you went out for groceries or ran errands. More distance meant more safety from them, after all.)
It's not that he wants to isolate you or anything like that, and really you're free to do what you want, he just doesn't want to run the risk of them hurting you more than they have already. As such, he’s hesitant to even drive you to visit them, to be completely honest. You don’t deserve to be put in a potentially abusive situation, but if you have to be around your family for whatever reason, he insists on accompanying you.
He holds your hand the entire way there, throwing you soft looks to gauge your mood and running a thumb over your knuckles when he sees your nervous posturing. He hopes that his reassurance will help in some way, even if he's also dreading encountering your family.
He's tense at your side the moment you both walk through the door to your family's home, putting himself between you and any family members as he oversees your interactions. Most would feel threatened by his posturing; it’d be quite obvious that he’s acting as sort of a sentinel for you, and having someone like him as a protector should be a deterrent to any awful behavior. Lest they end up suffering some harsh consequences for their actions.
But of course, this doesn’t stop some people. Perhaps they just walked in and saw you, thinking you were on your own and taking it as an opportunity to slew some abuse at you, completely oblivious to the fact that your partner was just across the room. Or maybe they were just ignorant enough to believe your partner wouldn’t protect you from them.
However, they’ll notice and realize the reality of the situation soon enough. It’s impossible not to when they open their mouth to make a disparaging comment about you and are met with a painfully tight grip on their shoulder and the broad form of your boyfriend looming over them.
You'll notice that their abusive remark is cut off by a sharp squeak, and turn to see them looking almost sickly with fear at your boyfriend. The same whose glare seems to darken when they have the nerve to send a pleading glance towards you to make him stop, as if they're not the one who tried to verbally attack you in the first place.
No matter, he'll helpfully twist them around so he's all they see instead. (Quickly too, since he hated the way you seemed to freeze when they tried to make eye contact with you.) The perpetrator is terrified to their core since they know very well about who he is, but the short apologies they try to stammer out don't quell any of Sanford's anger at them. It's not him they should be apologizing to.
He'd even consider forcing them to right that moment if he couldn't read you as well as he does. He knows from your shaky motions and quick glances back at him that having any prolonged contact with them would probably just risk upsetting you more, and besides, what kind of a partner would he be if he brought his boyfriend's abuser closer to him?
Despite this, he won't let go of them. He's almost like a guard dog that's latched onto someone, unwilling to let them move a mere inch away as you go about your business. While you're distracted, he'll even lean down to get uncomfortably close to your family member to give them a bit of a warning, silently delighting in how they jump at his sudden movements.
"You aren't gonna say another fucking word to him, understand?" He hisses, "None of this shit about you not understanding that he's a man - cause that's what he is, dumbass. You can fuck off if you think I'll just let you insult him like that, or I'll make you wish you knew better."
They nod frantically, and he gives them a sardonic, if not outright threatening grin. Just in time too, as you turn back to them with some personal belongings gathered in your arms. You don't look at your family member when you approach, but Sanford's quick to disregard them as well once you're a meter or two from them. (He doesn't want you to have to be too close to them, anyway).
He gives their shoulder one last squeeze, threatening to pierce their skin with his claws before he lets go and returns to your side. You find it slightly amusing that he insists on wiping his hand off on his pants before he holds yours again, and as you exit the building he makes a joke about not wanting any "filth" to touch you. It makes you smile a bit, which relieves him.
He has a thoughtful look on his face as he helps you into his truck, one he always seems to get whenever the topic of your family comes up. You give him a few questioning glances, silently prodding at what's eating away at him as he seems to mull over something for a moment. He then turns to you, giving you a warm smile.
“I’m really proud of you, you know? I don't know how I'd be if my family pulled something like that with me," he remarks, giving you a playful glare when you shrug and avert your eyes, already beginning to formulate some sort of retort to his praise.
"I mean, I didn't do very much-"
"Not this time, I guess, at least not physically. But you've dealt with their shit for years, so I'd say you're stronger than you think you are." He states simply, a tone of finality in his words. Under no circumstance would he let you downplay or disregard your own feelings and role in this; so what if you didn't want to get in their face as he would? Physical confrontations aren't everything, especially when he's half sure those pigheaded people in your family wouldn't change with or without them. The point was that you're perfect just as you are, and you don't need some dumbasses who don't know anything to make you doubt that.
You understand as much when he leans over to give you a quick kiss on your temple, whispering so before leaving another peck on your cheek and pulling back. For that simple moment, your anxiety is quelled. Funny, how something as common as Sanford giving you affection could calm you down so much. The love he has for you is pure and nearly overwhelming sometimes; it fills you with a warmth so comforting, and a feeling of gentle reassurance you don't know how you went without before. And you knew it was the same for him.
For now, though, Sanford thinks he's got a bit of a solution to this issue (if you could call it one). He's been thinking about it for a while, but now that he's seen firsthand the quality (or lack thereof) of people in your family, he doesn't think it's going too fast. At least, he hopes you won't think so either.
Your attention is caught again when he mutters your name, and you look over to see him staring down at the dashboard, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel as he nervously clears his throat. It's weird to see him so nervous, but it's cute; it reminds you of when you first started dating and he was so anxious about being with someone seriously, least of all someone he admired so much.
"I know this might be too fast, but..you could, well, "join" my family, if you want. My mom's been asking about you, and they just really want to meet you, to be honest. Probably because of how I don't shut up about you," he laughs a little awkwardly, and you smile at how bashful he looks, brow quirking at the question. "They're not...like yours, and I know they won't screw with you like that. So..would you want to?" He looks hopeful as he eyes you, and you can see the slightest bit of apprehension in the way he shifts his hands against the wheel as he waits for your answer.
You hum in thought, genuinely considering the offer. Sanford's without a doubt the nicest guy you've ever met, and you don't think his family would be spoken about so highly by him if they weren't the same. Besides, there's no harm in meeting your boyfriend's family. However, there's a little something about the way he worded it that made you curious.
"Yeah, I'm down for that. All this talk about me joining your family is pre-tty interesting though, babe," you begin, a teasing lilt to your voice as you lean over the console to perch your chin on his shoulder. "You thinking about proposing?"
He sputters, face going red as you chuckle at him. He's quick to make a recovery though, nudging his elbow at you as he shakes his head to himself (he can't hide his own grin, despite this). You feel relaxed as you lean back into your seat, grateful for the distraction in light of everything else that happened that day.
Although, you don't make it entirely back to your seat before Sanford reaches out for your hand again. His larger hand returns to hold yours just as it was on the way to your family's place, and you can see a slight blush tinge his cheeks when you turn yours over to interlace your fingers. He only has a single real response to your teasing, but it's enough to make you double-take.
"That depends, would you say yes?"
#tw: violence#tw: transphobia#tw: verbal abuse#you're so sweet omg I cannot take it#I've never written anything like this so I hope these are alright#BUT if not please lmk so I can try putting together something else or altering them for ya.#I don't mind at all given the seriousness of this scenario <3 :)#transmasc reader#male reader#sanford x reader#hank j. wimbleton x reader#sanford#hank j. wimbleton#madness combat x reader#madcom x reader#my writing
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Initial thoughts on ch 2 ep 1 (ik it’s early but I wanna lay out some stuff rn)
Listen, ppl all had their own opinions about the protag swap theory. Some thought it would happen, some thought it was stupid, I thought it was gonna be a temporary POV change in the first episode before Teruko got back to her regular girlbossing and whaddaya know, I was right!
On the topic of me being right though, I swear the only times I am right about things are when I can’t exactly explain why I think something, therefore I don’t ever say it because “that’s stupid,” but I feel like the motive as well as the delivery, both in the timing and the fallout, was something I could’ve seen coming. I dismissed the idea as too dramatic at some point, apparently forgetting that DRDT is the reality TV of fangans (but probably less scripted somehow).
I’m honestly pretty hyped about the motive though. I always thought that the canon equivalent in the first game was lacking in some ways, so seeing a fresh twist on a classic is always fun.
It also makes me wonder about the hidden quotes. Ik I talk abt these more than I reasonably probably should given they’re, uh, hidden, but in addition to what probably counts as more context for J’s quote, I’m also currently looking at Arei’s and Levi’s.
Levi talked a bit about his family and being disowned as well as how he feels he has to put effort into being nice, so a part of me wonders if there’s something he feels particularly guilty about in relation to his quote. His listed dislike is also unpredictable people and I figure that may be related as well.
But Arei’s seems more pertinent to me. She’s been nothing but an emotionally manipulative ass this whole time and now she has someone else’s dirty laundry and the full ability to air it if she so pleases, but idk what she’s gonna do with it. If her quote is relevant to something in this chapter in particular, she may decide on keeping it to herself. She obviously has a limited idea of how friendships really work, but maybe she has some decency when it comes to a situation like this.
Teruko’s commentary and leaning on the 4th wall as well as MonoTV’s incredibly (in)convenient incompetence is really only doing more to reinforce the idea in my mind that she knows way more than she’s letting on as well as a the fact that a lot of information about her is being withheld from the audience and we probably don’t have a complete look into her mind. Also, the phone. We have seen that phone before, just not in the killing game.
I feel like Arturo’s reaction to finding out J was related to a famous actress was... kind of what I expected it to be, but for all his preaching about physical beauty, he sure didn’t fuckin notice anything special about her until that exact moment, huh. Almost like he’s full of shit and just obsessed with fame and glamour as concepts.
It’s also really sweet to see Charles actually probably have more faith and hope coming out of the trial than going into it. And despite the tensions and him being turned down, him asking Teruko if she wants to explore with him is probably the most civil conversation they’ve had so far throughout the entire game. I think even if neither of them have a lot of faith in everyone else, they at least seem like they have less hard feelings towards each other. Like two siblings who grew up in a shitty household and always fought but start actually tolerating each other the moment they accept they were both victims even if they don’t really talk about it.
I’m fuckin scared to see my boy get woobified even more tho.
Oh! And a bit more on J’s quote actually. I wonder if her animosity towards her mom (and actors as a whole) was just wrought from the secondhand fame she never wanted or if her mother tried to force her into acting herself. Her dialogue in the FTEs that dropped last year at the very least indicate she had femininity forced upon her, but pushing a child into acting for more fame and fortune is a very special kind of fucking your kid up for the rest of their life and the horrible shit child actors and actresses are put through is becoming more and more discussed in an ever increasingly digital world.
But yeah. Mega hyped for this chapter, especially with the motive as I am, unfortunately, a sucker for hot, juicy goss
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ACTIVELY PASSING AWAY!!!
the post you linked is actually the exact one I remembered?? yeah. I don’t have extensive thoughts on it either but I’m so happy you helped me find it again!! :)
I’m just gonna plop the little coherence I have of bending-related strangeness (not quite body horror) here:
firebenders, given their emotions often fuel their bending, cry fire/embers on occasion, trigger the ozone-feel of lightning when intensely afraid, etc. this makes more sense in my head but the idea of bending sources being more. physically linked to the bender is. sooo. and earthbenders thrive from their connection to the earth so I propose: earthbenders are always a little bit filthy, there’s always a little dirt somewhere, because the lack of it is psychologically agonizing. earthbenders from the 100 yr war with scars filled in with tightly packed earth. save me earthbenders with scars filled in with tightly packed earth.* earthbenders learning to bend each other from scar-fillings like a funky little earthbender-specific modified bloodbending,,, waterbenders having literal water filling their lungs because they move with the tide, the tide moves with them, within them, a cohesive, cohabiting unit. airbenders who compact air with each breath to be lighter, more connected to every sound and smell and sight carried on the breeze but separated from it all the same.
*I also have mako+bolin thoughts about that. so remember how I was yapping abt how mako (and bolin, by extension, would be physically realllyy fucked up? mako’s not technically an earthbender, but,,, ek genes,, and the brothers having matching creepy ass scars that freak the krew out a little bit but none of them really talk abt it,,,
yeah so that’s my thoughts on that!!
however I’m not done with you yet. I have au thoughts (again, to whose surprise?) so I’m kind off mentally ill about parallels in atla/tlok, sooo,, azula and mako.
I SOUND INSANE BUT HEAR ME OUT‼️‼️
so azula is known for her insaneee poker face despite years of repressed trauma and childhood emotional abuse, right. well. guess who else doesn’t express emotions visibly and is cosplaying a normal person over years of fighting for his life. ding-ding-ding, you guessed it, mako!
so, so hear me out here. mako directly paralleling something azula said/did (“you can laugh. it’s funny,” for example) a couple times. but then. but then.
this is where the au part comes in. something happens. maybe kill bolin, idk. (JUST READ THAT BACK WHAT AM I ON 😭🙏🏼) but mako gets the breakdown experience,,,
maybe shove zuko’s oldass in there as a bonus. bring in katara. have a blast, do whatever. but like he has to be sedated cause he’s just. losing it man. like sobbing and screaming and everything cause he spent so long doing everything to make sure bolin was okay (she spent so long doing everything to make sure she didn’t become like zuko) but here it is, all crumbling before him (he shouldn’t have been able to run that fast, it all crumbled before her) and he is absolutely powerless (what lightning can she summon chained up to a gutter? there is only so far her roars will reach, and they know to get out of range.)
I’m in my teen angst era rn and mako will in fact be enjoying the brunt of it. thanks for listening to my little rants and rambles :))
🐌
oh no way! i'm glad i could help you :P continuing beneath cut —
pressing the internal save button in my head on your thoughts on bending body horror. it's good. would eat hmm…
okay but when you translate it over to characters who make my brain turn,,, how did you know that it would intensify my opinions on the subject by 100x fdhkjghbdfjkshbjgdf personally i like mako & bolin to be not only internally fucked up, but also externally fucked up too!
ALSO I LOVE AZULA & MAKO PARALLELS. they are the two lightningbenders who looked at the concept of "lightning requires absence of emotion and peace of mind" and went yup, i'm going to dissociate the fuck out of life's collective traumas and use that to zap some shit up. there's this one edit somewhere out there on mako & azula doing the same feats in their respective shows which, if i were the type to engage in discourse, i would whip out to showcase that mako is not an incompetent firebender lol. but really — they're both firebender prodigies who were exploited and used by their respective mentors/figures of greater power. they both put on masks of feigned indifference because it's the sort of shit that enabled them to survive all these years in their vastly different but similarly dangerous environments. they're the pragmatists in comparison to their brothers and they do what it takes to reach where they must, with a learned apathy for those who get knocked down in the process.
so yeah! azula/mako parallels actually give me life, as do mako/katara parallels. (adding to the reasons as to why mako would've made a better girl, but i digress.)
ALSO mako paralleling shit azula said is actually so funny what i might have to casually incorporate that into the avatar!mako au sob dfjshkghjfdshjhhh
also jfc mako's breakdown would be brutal. that is not pretty shit. that would not be pretty. in fact it's so un-pretty that i think i'm going to write it (granted, maybe to a less explicit degree and without the whole dead bolin thing because it's canon compliant, but you bet your ass that rose beds & gasoline veins is going to delve into that deconstruction of everything mako's spent his entire life perceiving to be the point of his existence). anyway i love this au conceptually and you are so big brain for thinking it up. love your casual writing style too :)
until next time, snailon!
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Happy holidays from all of us here on fantasy high tumblr.
Coming back to the top having just finished the ep. I feel insane. ANYWAY.
Our name is ally brennan beardsley mulligan!!
I AM FRIENDS WITH PETE WENTZ FROM FALL OUT BOY WHO IS WANDA CHILDA’S (RECENT) EX BOYFRIEND???????
Ok glad we’re talking about spies tongue curse. Bc what was that
Oh my god this episode is three hours long
Sklonda what’s your goal here bestie
I’m really distracted rn so not many notes are being taken I’m definitely gonna have to rewatch this episode over the weekend
But god all the soil stuff is weird
Something in his office??? Something like maybe the mirror where baron first appeared??
Yeah just throwing energy into external things to avoid feeling your own feelings. Is a thing that happens.
THANK YOU RIZ please please talk about the students freaking out
Oh godddddd the soil it all comes back to minerals and soil somehow ok
Diamondized blood 😭
I love tired Adaine she’s trying her bestttt
Goddd the bad girls are everything to me. They are every triad ever.
You’re giving the identity spell a stroke guys
Holy SHIT Beardsley
Oooooooh DOME COLOR CHANGE
Saint Kristen Applebees motherfuckers
Okay that’s horrifying!
Ok so that was fun
Zac is SO smart
‘Gorgug….. so good’
Godly whale fall……… Zac Oyama your mind
It’s like burning man 😭
Burning Man as Whale Fall. Maybe I’ll write the paper.
Planeshift is a spell guysssss you have used it before
The way he talks to her makes her mad!!!!!
Cassandraaaaaaaaaa
Gorgug <3
Your enemy the beekeeper!
THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT IT
Yeah Fabian probably does not want to go to Aelwyn’s house
Riding a scooter. Classic Adaine.
Devastating.
OOF
Yeesh.
Yeah the last friends Aelwyn had we’re not good!
🚨🚨 ZAYN MENTION 🚨🚨 Zayn my best friend Zayn Darkshadow 🖤🖤🖤
Brennan’s physicality as Aelwyn is so funny
Aelwyn and Fabian leave it alone!!! Don’t!!
What? No! No! What? What? What? No!
One thing about Ally Beardsley is they’re gonna talk about Joe Biden.
They’re good crimes? You’re having fun with the crimes? Come do crimes with us!
Aelwyn librarian era??
Holy shit Emily
What the fuckkkkkk
Absolute dream terrorist Figueroth Faeth
Gertie my beloved!
Dark red honey oooh
Kristen x Gertie let’s goooooo
HELLO????????
OKAY I GUESS THATS HAPPENING FANTASTIC LOVE THAT FOR BOTH OF THEM
Also that makes Gertie campaigning for Kipperlilly 100x funnier
Whattttttt
I need fic. STAT.
Yayyyy a bit of financial breathing room for Riz
Mazey!
My mind’s still back in the cafeteria I can’t wait to see fantasy high tumblr’s response to Kristen and Gertie
Do NOT get tracker. NO.
Oooh so we finally have info on the bylaws
Where did you get wanda childa’s resume???????
He’s really committed to the neck tattoo thing huh.
They’re all so good. They’re just good.
Gorgug!!!!
THEY FINALLY REALIZED!!!!
We’ve been sooooooo intense about it I wasn’t even sure if they had realized lol
Ok! Nephew. Interesting.
Henry helped build Grix. Ok.
Henryyyyyyyyy
God we can’t trust any of the teachers really. That’s so depressing.
God if only you could actually just go let’s end the meeting right there every time you were uncomfortable
The ENTIRE family is going yeah
THEYRE BRINGING ZAYNNNNNNNN
I’m so glad they’re bringing Zayn my best friend in the world Zayn Darkshadow
His art makes me so fucking happy.
Ooh good thinking Siobhan
Telemaine oh boy
Oh god
Gilear time!!!!
(haunted and suspicious)
Awww she called him dad
Sometimes Brennan just says shit
He really had to get rid of the puppy fast
She killed my god- NO- fine. She helped my god die.
That actually makes so much sense. Once things are good after they’ve been bad for ages you don’t know who you are without the bad things
It’s me fig! From the phone!
(all talking at once about Kristen’s kisses)
What
What??
Babe how could we not clown
RIZBERT
We could have been calling you rizbert this entire time
WHAT????
Telemaine leave Riz alone
RUVINA?????? Winter in fallinel for the first time in eons????? Ruvina maybe??
Oh yeah the name of the religion is literally wolfSONG
Fantasy Hamilton
It’s so funny that they’re calling her bee girl bc there’s an npc named bee boy in my current campaign that we all love SO much
Aelwyn. Babe.
Gorgug white knuckling the railing to avoid Telemaine
There is NOT an option for under 18s on any kink dating app
Sandra Lynnnnnnnn I would be so good to you you don’t even know
Okay but wasn’t Gilear cursed way before he put the armor on???? This is what keeps tripping me up. Gilear’s life was like this before.
My only daughter in the world 😭😭😭
Fig. Fig honey. That’s not. That’s.
Fig and Sandra Lynn. They fuck me up so bad.
Sandra Lynn Faeth the woman that you are………….
Zayn is coming to the church! Zayn Darkshadow my best friend in the world!!!
SPY’S TONGUE
Ohhhhhhhh okay
I love that it’s canon that Aelwyn and Zayn are wizard buddies who worked for Kalina together
Using devil’s nectar too much causes you to to believe your own lies. Fabulous.
Divinity is so weird
Name heist?
Winter Break! I believe in you!!
Kristen. Kristennnnnn
Narnia Burning Man 😭
Oh god
Oh god!
She will be risen!
It is SO cold
OUCH
Guys what the hell is going on
Yeah of COURSE she’s deeply bothered. Kristen is doing the same thing to her that she did earlier. They bother each other. They need each other to understand.
This kills me. This kills me so deeply.
Ohhh thank you for thinking about Ruvina
They’re BEST FRIENDS
They’re rolling initiative to decide who goes first in secret sylvan. I’m gonna fucking cry.
ADAINE THATS SO SWEET
Fabian. Fabian this is actually so nice. Please think about this. It will make them not attack you. Adaine wanted to help you with your fear.
Fabian we know you can give good gifts
Murph is running a tight ship on secret sylvan
(attempted tearing noises)
That’s actually really nice
They’re tactical!!!!!!
I love this so much
That’s so nice oh my god Kristen you know Riz so well
They love each other so much
GORGUG HAD FIG IN SECRET SYLVAN. Be still my figgorgug heart.
Brennan stopppppppppp
The intense zoom on Ally doing this.
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Is she like me.
Zaynnnnnnn
Sorry I’m incredibly not normal about Zayn Darkshadow I’m sure you couldn’t tell from how I react when he has .5 seconds of screen time
Girl WHAT
God they’re good
Riz Gukgak!!
IS THIS WHERE CASSANDRA WAS MARRIED
Dig bitch!
Oooooooooooh baby
Adaine I love you
Oh fuck oh god oh fuck
Zayn nooooooooo
Oh god why
KRISTEN
The idea of watching the moon get fuller is really cool
Oh god
MIRRORS?
Somehow I completely forgot baron was in this episode. I was so distracted I forgot what was coming.
Awww Cassandra is protecting her paladin
Oh my god this is insane
Oh no oh no oh no
Don’t break a mirror don’t do that not right now not here
Oh my god?????
They’re married <3
BARON HELPING??!
BARON ART BARON ART BARON ART
Is Zayn okay :(
You can’t ALL go in the briefcase can you???
WARDING BOND 😭😭😭😭 oh my god I can’t handle that
Death bond <3
What the fuckkkkkkkkk
Hello???????
NAT 20 DEX SAVE FROM KRISTEN APPLEBEES
Where the fuck are they.
Ooooh fig’s bedroom art!
How did this happen.
BARON MINI NEXT WEEK
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💋 Anon, so sorry but I accidentally posted instead of edited so Ur ask is gone, but luckily I took a screenshot jakwnfna-
Thank you so much for the ask! I'm in brainrot hours rn so this was a good outlet :D and I'm glad you liked the last one! I chose season one, to go down memory lane, hope that was okay! :)
Characters: Joey Graceffa, Eva Gutotowski, Oli White, Lele Pons, Timothy DeLaGhetto, Matt Haag, Sierra Furtado, GloZell Green, Justine Ezarik, Andrea Brooks, Shane Dawson
-So, I think for some reason the season one cast would be more protective of reader?
-They don’t know what happens or what is going to happen, since Joey too has no idea and can’t warn anybody.
-The minute Shane starts choking, everybody’s confused but catch on pretty quickly.
-Y'all start looking for clues, and split off into groups (scooby doo looking goofy ahh-)
-I'll leave which group reader is in to resder interpretation, but whichever you're is more likely to fall first.
-As the night progresses, you'll notice some of your time members becoming more protective of you, flanking you from each side
-You won't have a moment of peace the whole goddamn time. Someone will constantly be near you, watching you, etc.
-And then the deaths start coming :)
-Even though a lot of them are really competitive, and want to go home (with you ofc), a few of them realize that "Oh shit, I want to win but I also might actually die here" so work on protecting you instead.
-Joey would be on of the most protective ones, and nothing is too off with him other than a few offhand comments that might suggest you weaker and in need of protection. (Kinda like Amity and Willow in Labyrinth Runners tee hee)
He also won't stop following you around, never leaving your side once whereas the others sometimes go off to do something else.
-Eva would be noticeably different, acting fun and bouncy as ever but it seems strained, like kinda the way if you were to embarrass your mom in public and she can't kill you yet but like-
-Oli our beloved would be so freaking nice to you, although he can seem a bit more lost in thought and conflicted which is perfect if you wanna slip away for a second.
-Lele would.... Just kinda give you the chills ngl. Yk that scene were Eva and Lele were thirsting over one of the house owners? (I think his name was Colin or smth idek-) yeaahh that. But yandere.
-Timothy is a slimy little rat man who tries to get into your pants every second/j. But seriously, he would be one of the touchier yandere's and he definitely flirts a lot which can cause conflict in the group, so look out for that.
-Matt. Absolute simp, fool of a man. He may be the professor but Jesus Christ he forgets how to speak the second you come into his general vicinity. He'd sit in the simp pile with Eva and Lele.
-Shane is fucking dead lmao
-Sierra would be like.... A softer version of Lele. Definitely calculating and good at hiding how she feels, but a lot less sadistic and cold with reader. Probably gives a lil goofy smile every time she catches your eye.
-GloZell would be all over you, like Timothy, but whereas with Tim it was sly touches you better believe you are straight into her arms. Very touchy with you but in a more open way, so a few of the others are definitely planning against her.
-Justine (ily so much-) would be much like Matt, but actually goes up to more often instead of waiting for you to come to her. She just constantly has heart eyes around you and it shows
-Andrea would be like Timothy and GloZell, except it's always little hints instead of outright physical affection, and she's way smoother and pulling it off than those two. Probably pulls a blush out of reader once or twice (depending on how easy reader is to fluster) and the group is split between "she's next" and "teach me Ur ways" lol. It would be funny bc I imaging Matt going up to her most in a "teach me your ways" thing despite him never having the confidence to actually do it.
-All in all very chaotic. They split off into mini groups, everyone secretly plotting against the other, and a lot of squabbling. All the goddamn time. Joey and Eva are the only ones to have the sense of "THEY'RE RIGHT THERE SHUT THE FUCK UP" since the others are either too hotheaded or riled up to back down.
-lol just the mental image of Joey and Eva trying to calm people down, a whole ass bar fight happening in the middle of the room, reader, Oli, and the servants/maids of the house standing to the side like "for fucks sake-"
I'm sorry it took so long my dumbass pressed post instead of edit TWICE-
Taglist:
@112-writes
@shuble
@orangussy
#yandere escape the night#yandere escape the night x reader#escape the night#escape the night x reader#yandere harem#yandere joey graceffa x reader#yandere eva gutotowski x reader#yandere oli white x reader#yandere lele pons x reader#yandere timothy delaghetto x reader#yandere matt haag x reader#yandere sierra furtado x reader#yandere glozell green x reader#yandere justine ezarik x reader#yandere andrea brooks x reader#yandere shawn dawson x reader
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hello friends it’s going incurably critically insane o’clock ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
THE FULL INTRO IS BACK OH WE LOVEEEEEE TO SEE IT
…Laia Costa is SO early in the cast credits WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN
moiraine and lanfear………. powerful homoeroticism I really enjoyed it. I realise that this is not a very original statement but it’s the only one I have sufficient brainpower for rn
THE IMPLICIT POLY AOL VIBES IM GOING TO EAT MY ENTIRE ARM
THE BRAID???? HOLY FUCK RENNA NEEDS TO SUFFER TIMES ONE BILLION
GODDDDDDDD ISHAMAEL SETTING UP MAT TO KILL RAND IS SENDING ME FULLY AROUND THE TWIST
ohhhhh I knew it was coming but “you have always been my better” still made me literally cry 😭😭😭
ANSBCNSNSNDNFNFNGN THEY REALLY SAID WE ARE GOING TO HEIST THE HORN OF VALERE AND WE ARE GOING TO DO IT ENTIRELY OFFSCREEN. like okay I don’t like it but if we can’t have 10 episodes I do have to respect the sheer audacity of that Narrative Choice. though also: WHOMST was the lady from Cairhien. and of even greater importance: was she played by Laia Costa???????
(I assume it was ~Selene~ but like. we are in Laia Costa tunnel vision modus fuckin operandi)
oh Loial my BELOVED 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
wait whatttttt no turok duel OR darkfriend reveal for Ingtar?????? bro we are speedrunning this city
“they were best friends” listen we know two out of the three were fucking so if we’re describing all three in the same way I will not be held responsible for the conclusions I draw tyvm
SIX OF THEM
SIX OF THEM
HEL FUCKING LO
ITS TIME FOR MORE FORSAKEN BABEYYYYY GOD I CANNOT WAITTTTTTTT TO SEE THE REST OF MY EVIL BLORBOS
(admittedly I’m only far enough through the books to have encountered Graendal a grand total of once thus far and also I don’t actually give much of a fuck about Sammael yet but oooooooh my god when Asmodean and Moghedien show up it WILL be over for me bitches)
wait omfg is Lanfear staging this entire drama as a distraction so she can release all the remaining forsaken while ishy and rand are too busy fighting each other to stop her oh fuck meeeeee I’m gonna go in ZANE
THE PHYSICAL RUSH OF ADRENALINE I FELT SEEING MAT MAKE A BLADED QUARTERSTAFF OUT OF THE DAGGER WHILE THE S1 TWO RIVERS MUSIC PLAYED MY GODDDDDDDD
IM JUST CONSTANTLY SCREAMING NOW FR
MAT IN THE SAME LOCATION AS THE HORN… HRRRRRRRRR
no sign of rand for a hot second 👀
HOLY FUCK EGWENEEEEEEEEE
HE’S GOT SHIT HAIR BUT HE’S ALIVE AJSNCNSNSNDNFNDJDNFNFNDJNDNDN
MAT WITH THE HORN THIS IS NOT A FUCKING DRILL
“…Two Rivers???” SPECTACULAR
NOOOOOOOOOO NONONONONO I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT THIS IS STILL THE ABSOLUTE WORST
OH GOD OhH FUCK I RECOGNISE THE START OF THAT SCORE IM ABOUT TO GO FUCKING FERAL
MAT LEADING THE CHARGE WITH THE MANETHEREN BATTLE CRY OOOOOOOOOH GOD THATS MY FUCKING BOYYYYYYYYYYYYY
I SPY BIRGITTE!!!!! AHHHHHHH SHEEEEEEEEEE
UNO!! FUCK YES
nynaeve saying that egwene needs elayne not her… oh my god are we getting a full main babies towertop avengers assemble moment im gonna fucking evaporate
ALSO WE HAVENT SEEN MOIRAINE IN A HOT SECOND………. HMMMMMMM!!
I KNEW WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN OOOOOOOH I FUCKING KNEW IT AND I AM STILL. LOSING MY MINDDDDDDD
THE CRADLING. THE CRADLING. THERE IS A TRULY EXCEPTIONAL LEVEL OF HOMOEROTICISM HAPPENING HERE ON EVERY LEVEL
EGWENE’S BATTLE MUSIC OH MY GOD MY GIRL YESSSSSS GO NUCLEAR MY LOVE
SCREAMING AT THIS AVENGERS ASSEMBLE COMBINATION FATED SOULMATES FIRST MEETING CROSSOVER EVENT BUT WHERE THE FUCK IS AVIENDHA GET MY GIRL IN HERE!!!!!!!
SHRIEKINGGGGGGGG AT THE (almost) ENTIRE CREW BEING RIGHT BEHIND RAND IN HIS BIG MOMENT
OH GOD OH MY GOD ITS HER SHES FUCKING HERE
AHSBCBFB OKAY I HAD IT BACKWARDS BUT FUCKING SCREAM???????? THATS HERRRRRR THATS MY CREEPY PATHETIC BABYGIRL HOLY SHITTTTTTTTT
“All five of them” uh huh. uh huh. uh huh. any- any of them in particular??? perchance??? huh moggy???
AND CLOSING WITH A NEW VARIANT ON MAT’S THEME OHHHHHHH AND IF I SOBBBBBBB
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Vincenzo: Episode 15
We’re finally on 15
also I forget HOW much happens in one episode. they had the pig’s blood thing in that one too
Inzaghiiii !!! the pigeon 🐦
omg her crow era, generally crows remember and attack
she got her whole gang here! I thought Chayoung was going to come to rescue him but the pigeons actually make it more funny
such an unserious show actually
look at Inzaghi blink back omg motherrr
Inzaghi is a boy pigeon?
my beautiful red head art director is about to die
Evil CEO doesn’t scare me at all actually. He’s just physically violent. Evil lawyer lady terrifies me more. She’s so !!???
Bodied Ms Choi
I feel for the art director. My babie
I guess the mother knows that’s her son
When I saw Chayoung alone I thought my girl was going to be attacked
awww their little fist bump
eugh I have a bad feeling
no he’s speaking about the guillotine file
BUILDING PEOPLE RELOCATE !!!
honestly I’m actually really confused by this. I thought the double crossing rn still had a point like he’d come clean about another plan or something. this is just greedy and weird. why change now 💀
oh I think she knows that’s his mom
Oh I assumed she clocked on that fish snack detail
so what was in the letter 🤨
I feel like they drink as much coffee as I do
I KNEW HE HAD THE FILE ON HIM !!!
little bro why are you here. oh he got them a gift
they know about the gold. evacuate the building 😭
I know he’s a little devil in the making but he’s seemed more at home and happy here in 2 minutes than the entirety of his time in the Babel monstrosity. get your shit together little bro !!!
noooo I hope the mom and building people are going to be okay 🙏
I feel like these two evil dumbasses are about to figure out that Chayoung is the way to hurt him
our man looks sooo good actually. his swoop has become permanent since the last episode. I love it
lmaoooo they really think he can play a shaman?! okay slay
he voted for her to be the shaman lmao. look at his laugh 😂
well he’s the shaman regardless
has no one started passing around Vincenzo’s pictures though lmao. art galleries, auditoriums, shamans, he can just show up anywhere and they don’t recognise him at all
Mr Nam managing to be in a get up everytime they do this is actually SO FUNNY
THEY ALL LOOK SO GOOD
is this adrenaline but make it traditional
the flower on his ear !!! my baby girl fr
A beautiful man
the damn pigeon
these three 🤣🤣🤣
a flair for the dramatic, I love these 3 like the whole fan and writing sequence. chef’s kiss
I want this sequence framed. MY BEAUTIFUL BABIES.
him fanning her. a true gentleman 💀💗
Evil brother CEO is actually insane like wdym he killed 4 of his classmates when he was young ???
little himbo evil brother SAVE yourself. get out of there
not Ms Chayoung’s anti drug agenda 💀😭 #real
Kdramas sometimes go full Indian TV with the amount of things that happen in 20 episodes ngl
probably one of the first times Jung is experiencing someone switching up on him at the last moment. that's what your company does all the time lol, you deserve it 😘
honestly who could believe our man was a corn salad (even i can't spell his job lmao) in Italy and part of the mafia. look at him acting for like the 800th time. the shaman is the best performance till now though! 10/10
'fate smiles most generously on brave souls and frowns mildly on those with no backbone' bars
the life page looks so good except i think Babel will gun for this man
adore this shaman track because i get to see my man with a small flower 🌼
I saw a car trying to run over Mr. Cho again and immediately thought evil lawyer lady was around
slay Mr. Cho slay
no they're going to go after his mom no no no 😭😭😭 (kinda surprised it took them this LONG to dig into his personal life lol talk about being overconfident)
take someone else instead for now. that lady barely has a breath left omg nooo. let one parent and child stay goodbye
Evil Lawyer lady and CEO when I get my hands on YOU
At least they know about Babel knowing about the building and the file
Oh no is Mr Cho about to die....
NO NO NO NO NO IT'S MR AN I AM GOING TO HURL NOOOOOOO
wait no it's just the media guy oh my god thank god
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“‘Mhm,’ Punz has the audacity to sound bored.” of course he does the mf’ing ….
“‘I f-fucking hate you–‘ Tommy hates that his voice is shaky, like a frustrated child trying not to cry, which isn’t inaccurate.” tommyyyyy :((((((((( [also me, too, regarding his line of dialogue here]
“Tommy almost smirks. ‘You’ve caught on, have you? Stopped asking questions?’ Punz bristles. ‘I don’t need to,’ he says coldly. ‘Right, right,’ Tommy placates him. ‘Still, you can see it now, can’t you?’ ‘What?’ Tommy grins, mocking and belittling. ‘The leash.’ YESSSSSSSSSSSS GET HIS ASS
‘Yeah, I guess,’ Dream shrugs, adjusting his hold on Wilbur’s corpse. Tommy is doing his best not to look at him now, at either of them. ‘Okay, so, I’m gonna take this,’ he nods to Wilbur’s body, ‘back down to the base and then I’ll stasis you two back, how about that?’ dream’s consistent dehumanization of wilbur continues to get me every time. bristling with righteous fury
ohhhhhhh wilbur’s monologue in limbo…… him wanting so desperately to be able to do something and taking that inability to do so out on himself……
YESSSS WILBUR ACTUALLY GOT AN ATTACK IN. KING SHIT
“Wilbur stares at him, nausea intermingling with rage. He feels like this hatred is a physical thing, projecting fury like it can somehow burn, but even this loathing isn’t enough to actually save anyone.” uh oh — what’s this? genre change time! the immense amount of stress has awakened latent psychic powers in wilbur and now he can kill dream with his mind! go on a tetsuo-from-akira rampage! *not copium* (i know i’ve mentioned that movie before and i know this is a bad end story but still. the number of times i’ve wished crimeboys could be untouchably powerful and beat the everloving shit out of dream (and punz xoxo) like that is insane. i think it’s a very human kind of response, though.)
“Wilbur is no longer looking at him, staring at the ground, wishing he could self destruct and kill Dream with him.” seems like wilbur has the same kind of wishes as the ones i just mentioned :(((((((((
“Wilbur being here, despite the pains, is still horribly, undeniably worth it to Tommy. Despite all of his worries, at least he’s no longer alone, at least there’s one person in this fucked up place who he can always trust to be on his side.” not for long….. i’m going to fucking break when it happens
very good scene of dream and punz being terse with each other. but also “‘First, you’re gonna blow up L’Manberg.’” NOOOOOOOO NOT AGAINNNNN
“Tubbo doesn’t know the difference between excitement and rage anymore.” man. that’s him right there, summarized in a line
WOOOOOOOOO TUBBO WITH THE KNEE SHOT AND NIKI WITH THE CROSSBOW LET’S GOOOOOOOOOO
i’m absolutely loving this fight scene. very tense. also “‘Maybe because you didn’t stop him,’ Punz snaps.” OOOOOOOHHHH SHIT. also ‘heartbreaking. the (second-)worst person you know just made a great point’
yesssss punz keep living in fear forever and ever <3. sapnap, vessel of my rage, ily
“Pick one day a week to keep looking for me, because I know you’ll never give up, but I want you to keep living. And hey, not saying I’d mind you finding me, but still. And I give you my permission to stop. However many years down the line it takes for you to stop mourning me and be ready to live properly again, I give you my blessing. Fill in that grave, pretend I’m still there. Move in with Ranboo. Take care of each other. See, you have to do what I say because I’m the one dying here, got it?” FUCK, man. they’re just kids and yet they have to deal with all this and be alone and it’s not fair. this had me actually tearing up (not an easy feat). this is such a good paragraph of writing it’s INSANE. many thoughts head full about this rn - might post something more coherent in the discord later. this is definitely a huge english major moment for you in my opinion /extremely pos :)
aaa thank you!! :D I was very proud of this chapter. "Sapnap, vessel of my rage, ily" is such a rad line and such a mood.
Writing Tommy's letter broke me as well ngl. It was rough :(
As always your thoughts are a delight to read <3
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it’s been on my mind but i want to talk about, or rather just gush about one of the doujin i physically own (edit after the fact: I sorta end up talking about two) .It’s a book I enjoy a lot! ...even though I can’t read a word of it.
it’s zounose from circle Yakumi Sarai (which as far as I know is a one person circle so basically its zounose’s ‘business name’)’s kamikamikami (< click for store page). I bought this sometime last year. It was in fact sometime last year where I really started going hard in on the impulse purchases, but when it comes to physical stuff like this, I don’t think I have any regrets?
It’s a comic featuring a simple but cool story. Probably. I’m pretty sure! I can’t read a word of japanese but... I feel like for this this story, i happened to be enough of a touhou nerd and enough of a mythology-related-to-touhou nerd that I got the grand gist of everything?
Said very general gist is that tewi is in trouble, she’s bedridden at the moriya shrine, and the eighty brothers from the the story of the hare of inaba are coming to get her. 💀(x80)
But even though tewi was apparently resigned to her fate, eirin is dedicated to helping her, and she gets help from the moriya crew, mostly kanako! And there’s a big action scene where they fight off the army and save the day. Perfect premise for a self-contained touhou summer movie 💥
zounose is one of my fav doujin artists though I’ll admit that’s not much coming from me because not only do I have a lot of ‘favs’, but all it really takes to be granted that title is that they had to have made more than one thing I’ve really liked! On top of me really wanting to own at least one book of theirs in my hand, I also was really drawn to this one in particular because honestly, off the top of my head I really can’t think of many stories that centers on Eirin, that wasn’t just her playing straightman or giving tough love to Kaguya and/or Reisen.
Plus its also rare to see Tewi in a role that’s not just being a prankster.
Though here’s tewi almost killing suwako for singing about frogs instead of rabbits.
Actually i do have a bit more understanding of some select scenes that I otherwise would have, because scans of this book were uploaded onto a p*rn site which were translated into chinese!
...i’m still too illiterate in my own mother tongue to have been able to read the chinese translations properly 😰 But it helped... It’s admittedly a kind of a little, or a Lot embarrassing for me to be so fond of something I can’t read.
I really really really like this scene of Eirin telling Tewi about how much of a debt she and Kaguya owe her for housing them, and pleading for Tewi to let Eirin help her with the whole eighty guys want to kill her problem, before Tewi refuses... 😢 But like, i’m only grasping the broad strokes of this and every other scene in the book! Right now, I can’t possibly appreciate the writing and passion put into this book as much as someone who actually knows the language is meant to. 😑
This is a barely related tangent at this point but now that it’s on my mind, there’s another book I own, hisona’s ‘drowning in nostalgia’ (< again, click for store page) or something to that effect that is really special to me...
it’s full of very evocative imagery and sorrowful expressions that really spoke to me (admittedly just slightly dampened because this artist has always had a bit of a sameface problem >_> ) and this whole doujin and its portrayal of Kutaka has become quite near to my heart over time... (u_u🐤i want be piyo the little chick who watches over her...)
...And I have no idea what a single word in it says!! I mean I have enough knowledge again of touhou and the related myths invoked in this story that i was able to infer, but if I tried going into detail,I’m sure I’d just greatly embarrass myself, acting so moved by a story i can’t possibly grasp the complete context of, and sounding like some weeb like from that troll comic who is only moved by images because they come from japan!! 💩💩 💩 (it’s actually because its touhou)
The truth is this whole train of thought with wanting to talk about kamikamikami was because i saw a lot of jpn twitter artists preparing doujins for reitaisai tomorrow, and wondering to myself if there’s really any point if me having these in my hands, ordering them when they’d definitely be more appreciated in the hands of people who can like, actually read the language. 🤔 ...well i mean, im happy to own them, and i’m supporting the creators with my purchases, so its probably still a net positive in the end. Just every now and then I feel a little silly as I look over them and start feeling emotional over dialogue that I’m just... assuming is heartfelt and wonderfully evocative n_n;;;;
#touhou#doujin#spider bread crumbs#im once again thinking of tagging all my posts for arbitrary organisation purpose.#im sure i will give up again within a week and change my mind many more times in the future
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posting for attention
i wrote down some stream of consciousness stuff. Maybe someone will relate. Please don't worry, they are only thoughts and feelings we are coping with.
TW// suicdal ideation, awful grammar, prayer (for my religious trauma girlies)
enjoy my suffering /gen
AAAAAAAAAAAAGH WHAT CAN I DO RN
I CAN”T CALM TF DONW
I CAN’T CAN’T I CAN’T
I FEEL SO FAKE AND SO VIOLENT
AND FUCKING INSANE
AND LIKE MY LIFE IS FALLING TO PIECES
NO MATTER WHAT I DO
BECAUSE I CAN’T SEEM
TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
OR DO ANYTHING OR ACT ON ANYTHING
WE WANNA DO BC WE R SO SCARED
OF POURING OUR HEART INTO SOMETHING
AND BEING REJECTED
F U C K IT HURTS IT HURTS THIS HELPED IG
IDK EVERYTHING HURTS
NOT EVERYTHING
UH I AM ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY GOOD
BUT THE FLASGBACKS NEED TO STOP
THEY NEED TO STOP.
GOD HELP ME WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP
I WANT TO FUCK UP ANYONE
WHO WOULD DO THAT SHIT TO A KID
WHY IS THIS EVER ALLOWED TO HAPPEN
EVER WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE
SO FUCKING TWISTED
I JUST WANT IT TO STOP
I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP
HURTING EACH OTHER
I WANT PEOPLE TO STOP
HURTING ME
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO AVOID IT.
I AM NOT HERE RN
I AM DISSOCIATING
LIFE A MOTHERFUCKER
AND I CANNOT DO THIS SHIT
I NEED IT TO STOPPPPP
I WANNA FEEL BETTER
I DON’T KNOW WHY I HAVE TO CARRY AROUND
ALL THIS BULLSHIT
PEOPLE WHO HURT PEOPLE
WILL GET WHAT’S COMING TO THEM
BUT WHEN, WHEN?????
I cannot rn,
how are we gonna get our shit together
when we’re burning the FUCK out?
Ugh.
deep breath, deep breath.
There’s a hole of grief on my chest.
My socks are wet.
I wanna cry in the fuckin library,
It’s too cold.
I am scared.
my head hurts.
I need to complain ig.
Why do i do this?
I have everything I could need
but no matter how grateful
i try to be,
instead of getting a break
i just get more and more piled on
how tf did this happen
why did we lose our job
to some douchebag family member
of the shittiest manager around
oh my fucking god the cowardice
and entitlement
of all the soft fuckin SHITHEADS i keep meetign
like PICK A STRUGGLE.
I keep zoning out dear god
let me find something to do with this rage
stop the rain for two minutes
I don’t want to drive
i don’t want to think
and the visibility outside is awful
WHY IS FEBRURARY LONG
it’s longer this year
I want spring
I want sun
I am sad that it’s getting warmer out
and weather is getting extreme so
I wish it was at least weather I like.
My routine is shot,
I have none. My phone is dead,
doordash is too much energy rn.
I am.
Killing myself.
Not really but
jfc I am so tired
in a way that weighs on you.
And I feel survivor’s guilt
about the whole fucking world.
Guilt guilt guilt
that is ALL we ever feel
everything is our fault somehow and
we can’t fix anything with that attitude
I am so upset.
Fuckin hell.
Make it stop make it stop
but don’t let me die
I’m not ready.
And I feel guilty for that too,
because who IS ready?
It just happens.
And instead of happening to rapists and serial killers
it happens to sweet people
who made the world better.
Fuck this.
Where’s the divine punishment
for the WORLD LEADERS?????
What’s with the collective
capitalist punishment?
I constantly feel like
I’ve done something wrong or bad.
Constant.
Stupid fucking axel,
screaming in our face and starting this whole mess.
My life is great overall
but my heart and mind are fucked up rn.
Are you there god? It’s me.
And me. And me.
Etc..
I don’t wanna kill myself it just sounds really easy (it’s not you will not go out without a fight so it’ll just be a llot of medical bullshit.)
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Long short short I miss my boyfriend.
I haven’t been able to see him for over a month now. He’s my best friend in the whole world and I’ve only known him for a little over a year but we’ve gotten so close because we’ve both been through so much in the past year and we’ve been there for each other like neither of us has ever had before.
His parents a abusive as hell and at the end of November a whole bunch of stuff happened with him and them I won’t get into it but I can’t see him because his parents hate me for no other reason than because they hate him and are narcissistic control freaks. They even targeted me towards the start of all this literally coming up to my house not only telling my parents that I need to stay away from him but for no fucking reason they made up this whole lie that they saw on his phone that he was cheating on me with multiple people and my stupid ass believed it at first and almost off-ed myself because who would fucking lie about that but once I got my senses back I was like none of that fucking made sense and after a couple miserable days of losing my mind not knowing who to believe I ultimately chose my best friend because I have far more reason to trust him than his insane parents and their “proof” was literally just their word which is worth less than dog piss.
Since the whole thing we’ve been able to talk on the phone on and off (the off parts being because they did a bunch of shit to his phone and eventually took it from him). I think I developed some kind of abandonment issue from this because we would be talking just fine for a couple days and then randomly all I would get was silence and it would literally drive me mad worrying if he was safe or what. Recently we’ve been able to talk more steadily tho because while he was at his moms house (who is a literal hellsent demon but is on my bfs side and is being super chill rn) he got a second phone that he’s keeping secret from his dad and stepmom here and so far that’s going okay knock on wood.
I’m really thankful about this but still not being able to see him is killing me. He’s all I have and literally before all this happened I was talking to him about how I’ve grown so emotionally reliant on him after all the things that happened over the year and i was at a place where wanted to try and work on my myself so that I could become more of a whole person yk. And then not even a couple weeks later I have him ripped away and get put through the most violent emotional wringer of my life like what the fuck man this is not what I fucking meant not like this. I am in actual physically pain from missing him. My chest hurts everyday and I always wanna cry it’s literally pathetic. I’ve never been this long without him and I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want my sweet boy back so that I can hold him again and give him the comfort and love we both so desperately need after this god awful situation.
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