#but ive been feeling nauseous pretty constantly for couple months now

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

.

#ah yes the constant mental 'is this just those symptoms again or is this some other genuine medical problem causing this' #ie 'can it be fixed or is it just reaping what ive sowed' #and also 'why is it getting worse for no reason' #with a healthy dose of 'if this continues the way it is i see my way fair to picking up another problem bc i cannot resist it forever' #'and once i stop resisting basically once it feels like that's it that's done i can't stop nearly as easy as i can continue not having done #so' #whoop whoop #such fun #nausea #i have not thrown up in years #but ive been feeling nauseous pretty constantly for couple months now #mostly ignorable sometimes really not #like rn #anyway #puddleglum hours #kinda connected #whoooop #joyyyyyyyy huh

[zephyr-together]

it’s been exactly one month since top surgery! here’s a summary of what all went down! disclaimer: please do not feel that you need to feel pressured to remember things from this post or any other, your doctor should instruct you on the most important things to do or not do, and also this is my experience and everyone’s will be different! 

I saw Dr. Kenneth Wolf! I highly recommend him if you’re in the area or able to get to him, very skilled and very cheap (only was $5400, $5900 if you get nipple grafts which I ended up deciding not to have) there is a 250 lb weight limit though, they weigh you the day of surgery so if you’re unsure if you’ll be able to make it I’d suggest seeing a surgeon who operates more on plus sized folks

he was/is SUPER booked, I had my consultation in October and had to schedule surgery in June. this made me confident I made the right decision though because of how many people go to him, and having to be stuck in the body I didn’t want for a lot longer than I thought made me more eager to have it so I wasn’t as scared as I would have been otherwise. that being said, it might be smart to ask ahead how long the wait time is so that you can save during that time! because I didn’t know about the wait I had already had most of my money that I got together since last June so I could’ve had it about four months sooner, but hey everything worked out in the end :) 

speaking of saving money, for this doctor there’s a $500 down payment that I paid when I went to the consultation visit (if you’re out of the area they can do consultation over email btw!) the rest was collected about a week and a half before surgery. I have a debit card so it had to be split up in three transactions. I’m very thankful they worked with me on that!

I went into a small room where the doctor met me, marked me up and took my picture. then he said the anesthesiologist would meet me, which she did in a few minutes and went over a bit of questions/paperwork and took me to the operating room! 

I lied down on a table with my arms out, it felt like I was an alien getting vivisected, that combined with my needlephobia made that a bit scary but I’ve been waiting so long so it was exciting too. they had me hooked up to an IV but I think they did that while I was under because I felt the needle go in and then out. and then in a minute I was out! 

I wasn’t aware of this because it was during the surgery but they have a machine to massage your legs to keep up circulation and I had a tube down my throat too. when I woke up the first thing I hear is “the surgery was a success!! :D” and it felt like a weird dream because of anesthesia but in what felt like a few minutes I was almost as awake as normal which was surprising because I was out of it for hours after getting wisdom teeth out so I thought this would be way worse in that way

I had three intense sensations when I woke up: nausea, tightness and hunger. they asked right away if I was nauseous and gave me an alcohol patch to put on my nose which immediately took the feeling completely away. I had a very specific craving for Burger King’s impossible whopper, I think that’s because of not being able to eat I wanted something substantial like meat (vegetarian so closest thing to it) and something QUICK because hungy 

the tightness was pretty intense and unexpected, I felt desperate to rip off my surgical vest but they assured me it’s actually fairly loose. I think it’s just the incisions that give you a tight sensation but what you see and feel on your body is the vest so your brain says that’s the culprit I think. as time went on I ended up feeling desperate for the vest actually but I’ll go into that later

when I got the whopper I’m VERY thankful my dad who met us after picking it up also got the milkshake because I couldn’t produce saliva at all and didn’t know that would happen. I think that’s from having the tube in my mouth. I also could barely hold anything with my left hand because of that being the arm I had the IV in, but both the no saliva and limp left hand things went away in a few hours I think

by the time we got home which was I think an hour and a half after I woke up, I had really intense pain in my throat and under my armpits. the painkillers they gave me eventually kicked in about an hour or so after I took them, I’d suggest to bring them to surgery maybe if possible so you can take them asap, I think I wouldn’t have had that at all if I did, at that level of intensity anyway. for my throat I basically went nuts and drank water, had popsicles, ice cream, fruit, cough syrup, etc and it went away in 2-3 days or so

speaking of the pain under my armpits, that was from the tubes in me to drain extra unwanted blood and puss and stuff like that, it sounds super awful but I wasn’t allowed to remove the vest for five days and I’m naturally sweaty so I didn’t even know there were tubes in me or that I was draining until like four days later. I was stuffed with tons of gauze under the vest so eventually when I did notice the drainage we pulled out the dirty ones and pushed in some clean ones (they provide you with the same kind of gauze). the main awful thing about it was just the idea of having tubes in me, it didn’t bother me so much when I thought it was part of the incision haha...

now that I complained about the tube and throat pain I will say the “pain” for me of the actual incision area was almost nothing for me at all, just a bit of a weird tingly or pokey sensation every so often and that’s all really. but again everyone is different ! 

appetite was funny because it felt like I’d feel really hungry and eat hardly anything and feel good! another post suggested to have pineapple to help with bruising and I think it worked because I ate pineapple constantly and had pretty much no bruising at all

also I hope this isn’t too gross but I couldn’t pee and I was constipated. it wasn’t too much trouble because for the. pee I could just push and it’d come and for constipation that’s a problem that happens for me in general. both took about a week to wear off. they’re side effects of anesthesia I believe. other side effects I had from that were my legs and arms would feel pretty sore at times and my legs were wobbly, they said that I’d need to move my legs around a bit every once in a while to prevent clotting and I got a bit nervous about that so I ended up going for two walks a day! probably not needed to do that much but I think it helped speed up leg recovery 

after that more intense pain was gone after just a few hours I felt fine to watch shows and play viddy games! I thought I’d be zonked out for days or something but I was pretty alert after just a few minutes of coming out like I said. I could’ve probably drawn or made plushies too but it just felt so weird to move my arms at that point and was probably for the best I didn’t and just watched stuff and played games and slept a lot. it felt a bit frustrating how boring it was at times after a week or so but I just focused on how much of my life I’ll feel good now because of this so the recovery time isn’t that bad knowing that

five days after the surgery I had my first post op appointment! this was for the doctor to inspect the incisions, give us ointment to put on the scars and more gauze, and to finally be able to throw away all of the gauze that was under the vest! at this point I was allowed to take off the vest to replace the gauze and put ointment on as well as shower, and was given bandaids to put on the tubes for showering. however the sensation of not having the vest on at this point was SO horrible to me, I felt like a doll that was being pulled and unraveled apart, it made me want to throw up too so I took a shower as fast as possible and then just opted to get my hair shampooed at salons every other day for a couple weeks, so in retrospect I could have not gone five days with no shampoo but nothing can go absolutely perfectly after all!

a couple days later I ran out of oxycodone and tried replacing it with motrin which gave me three vivid nightmares in a row of having really bad fights with my parents and friend over dumb things which sounds silly but it messed me up emotionally and I kept sobbing uncontrollably out of nowhere that I felt like such a burden to take care of. I thought I was just emotional from the surgery but as soon as I switched to tylenol that went away completely! I don’t think it’s that motrin is bad because I looked it up and it’s a rare side effect, it’s just either that my body specifically doesn’t like it or it was the way it was combined with the antibiotic I had 

the second post op was to remove the tubes and it was 13 days after the first post op. they said if you live out of the area you can remove the tubes yourself so I’m very thankful we’re in the area haha. the left tube came out so smooth and quick that I didn’t feel it even come out at all! the second hurt for a second but I think because it kept getting bent backwards but it didn’t hurt too much. the tubes were SUPER wiggly and actually pretty flat so I think they’re constantly improving them to make them less and less noticeable. 

I was told I had to use the bandaids on my holes for showering and keep gauze on them too for just two more days and I could also throw the vest away then. I still felt too sensitive to get rid of the vest yet and wore it for another week, I still have it in case I want it for now (been going without it for about three days at this point) it still feels very strange without it since it feels like it’s holding you together but I think no matter how healed you are it will a shock to your body to not have that on anymore...also the “holes” from the tubes are more like slits which just look like slightly more open areas of the incisions so it’s barely noticeable. there’s some swelling where that used to be but that’s going down! 

now at this point where I’m at, I still feel best putting ointment on with gauze and bandage wraps I bought as a transition from the vest to nothing under the shirt which seems to be working pretty well! it might be that I’m autistic that I’m so sensitive to that feeling and had to have my vest on longer and now this instead of nothing. also I took three weeks off of work initially (I work a desk job) and asked for a couple more weeks of working from home before going back to the office to be able to adjust

also I will say if you live alone, I think you can handle surgery and taking care of yourself if you’re determined, as long as nothing you need to use to feed yourself and whatnot is up too high, too low, or too heavy. but if you can I’d highly suggest staying with someone who can help take care of you, it really helps easy the transition. in my summary I will say there was almost no pain at all but a whole lot of WEIRD stuff I wasn’t used to, but in the end it’s not a whole lot to deal with, considering! 

#I hope this can help someone at all!! feel free to ask questions or anything!! take care

[robsroadtorecovery]

Daily(ish) Updates

On Thursday March 28th, Rob went to the ER for stomach pains. He ended up being checked into a hospital in Corona and they did several tests including a bone marrow biopsy. They discovered that he had a low platelet count, high white blood cell count, and an enlarged spleen. He’s needed plasma transfusions to keep his platelet level up. On April 1st he was informed that he has Philadelphia chromosome positive (Ph+) B-cell acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) and was transferred to UC Irvine Health.

April 3th

-Rob started chemotherapy. His medications for the first three days will be cyclophosphamide (chemotherapy) and mesna (chemoprotectant to reduce side effects). 

-His parents visited him and said that the medication was administered through IV and can take 3 hours to finish the treatment. 

April 4th

-Rob took dasatinib orally, which is another treament for ALL. 

-His sons, Chris and Trey, visited him. 

-Rob said he felt fine but the doctors said that the side effects of chemo are usually felt after 48 hours.

April 6th

-Rob had vincristine and doxorubicin through IV, which are used to treat a variety of cancers. 

-He finished his first round of chemo and he said he felt weak but on the mend.

-He was able to take a walk around the floor.

-The doctors will now monitor his blood production and figure out the next steps in his treatment.

April 7th

-Even though his chemo ended yesterday, they gave him an extra chemo pill.

-He was feeling nauseous and didn’t eat or drink much.

-He was also tired because his bed moves constantly to prevent bed sores but that makes it hard for him to sleep.

-He maintained good blood pressure even when feeling sick, which usually doesn’t happen when he’s sick at home.

April 8th

-He had bad muscle spasms that moved from his back up to his chest. The doctors gave him an EKG and the results looked normal.

-He was able to take a walk today and was in less pain.

-He ate some food and received IV fluids due to dehydration.

-The doctor said he’ll go home in a few weeks and when he starts his next round of chemo it’ll be scheduled and they’ll have a bed ready for him at the hospital. Not sure if the future stay will be a month long like this current one. He is already on his second round of chemo. He will take dasatinib every day until remission since it’s seen as a maintenance drug.

April 11th

-Bob and Linda visited Rob and they said he was in good spirits. He’s still nauseous and vomiting.

-He received a blood transfusion rather than a plasma transfusion. A nurse said that at this stage it’s not unusual for him to get a blood transfusion every day. It is unsure whether or not the blood transfusion is needed due to his low platelet count or if his blood production is lowered due to the chemo. (I’ll ask Heather to ask the next time she visits.)

-Erica visited a couple days before and said he had a CT scan of his legs when she was visiting. They were looking for blood clots but luckily they didn’t see anything. Previously we thought he had a CT scan in his legs to check for blood clots but it was actually an ultrasound. 

-He also had a CT scan while Bob and Linda were visiting. They scanned his lungs since he’s been congested but didn’t see anything. They didn’t seem too worried about blood clots but it was just a precaution.

April 12th

-Heather said he had a low fever and they had to wait for it to go away before he had his blood transfusion.

-He has a sore throat and lesions in his mouth and throat from the chemo. It has made it painful for him to swallow.

-He seemed more upbeat today.

April 13th

-He was pretty groggy today and was dozing off due to his fatigue.

-He gets blood transfusions because his hemoglobin levels are low. He has blood in his urine and stool so that’s probably why he needs blood transfusions. The doctors say this is from the chemo.

-He had another platelet transfusion today.

-He was given chemo today and yesterday. Heather isn’t sure what’s going on because when she spoke to the oncologist she was told that there would be a break in between rounds of chemo. She will try to speak to someone the next time she visits to get a clear answer.

-Rob was able to get out of bed and shower today and was in a pretty good mood.

April 14th

-He will have a new procedure done tomorrow to figure out what is causing his congestion. It’s called a flexible bronchoscopy with bronchoalveolar lavage. The bronchoscopy is a flexible tube that has a camera and lighting. The bronchoalveolar lavage is the process of flushing the lungs with saline and can be suctioned back through the tube. They may take biopsies which will be done with a little Pacman looking tool that can take chunks of the lung. If there is bleeding they will use argon plasma coagulation to cauterize any bleeds. He will be under twilight sleep during this process which means he’s anesthetized but still verbal.

-In preparation for this procedure, they gave him a platelet transfusion today and will give him another one in the morning. 

-He is already on his second round of chemo. He will take dasatinib every day until remission since it’s seen as a maintenance drug. I was told there would be a break in between rounds of chemo but Rob confirmed that he’s on his second round. 

-(Backstory: Rob has a habit of falling asleep on the couch and when he was woken up to move upstairs he would sit on the edge of the couch and rock back and forth while falling back asleep. It was hard for Heather to wake him up and he would occasionally fall forward.) So last night he started to do the same thing. He was getting ready to get out of bed and the bed has sensors that notified the staff that he was getting up. He had one foot on the floor and ended up leaning forward on the bed. The staff tried calling his name and nudging him awake but he didn’t respond. They ended up laying him on his back and shined lights in his face. He woke up at that point and was responsive but he said he barely remembered what happened. They gave him a brain CT without contrast because they were worried he had a stroke due to his confused state and how hard it was for them to wake him up. It came out negative.

-He can’t use his CPAP machine when sleeping because it hurts his lungs when his diaphragm expands.

-He’s noticed that it’s been easier to breathe as the chemo progresses because the cancer cells are leaving his body.

-He said he also gets blood transfusions because he’s bleeding internally and when he has bloody urine or stool it’s because the cancer cells are leaving his body.

-He said he has been feeling “dumpy” the past few days but he feels a lot better today.

-He has been on constant fluids since checking into the hospital but today they skipped it because he is now too hydrated to the point of having puffy skin.

-They’re keeping track of his electrolyte levels because it’s important that they stay in a good range.

-Previously we thought he had a CT scan in his legs to check for blood clots but it was actually an ultrasound. 

-He has had a CT scan with contrast in his abdomen as well as twice for his chest once with contrast and once without. He has had a CT scan for his lungs. They’re searching for blood clots, lesions, or more cancer.

-The doctors are already talking about bone marrow transplant. Ideally, they would do it while he’s in remission. His parents, siblings, and children can get tested to see if they’re a match to donate bone marrow. His children are the best candidates because they’re younger and can bounce back quickly from the procedure. It seems like the testing would be a simple blood draw.

-He said that he hospital has decent food.

April 16th

-The bronchoscopy was yesterday and he was awake for the procedure. They took samples of the stuff found in his lung and tested it. Most likely, they are culturing it to figure out what it is. Then they flushed his lungs with liquid and sucked it back out of the tube. 

-He has a coccidioidomycosis infection, also known as Valley Fever. It doesn’t look like it has spread. He will have to take antifungal medication twice a day. He thinks he may have had this infection for a long time, even before being admitted into the hospital. He has had slightly elevated levels of white blood cells when he would get blood work done and he thinks it could be due to this infection. And when the chemo was introduced, it gave the fungus the opportunity to thrive. The antifungal medication can mess with his blood sugar so it needs to be monitored.

-He has two doctors on his team. One is a specialist who works with patients undergoing chemo with cancer in their lymphatic system and how they fight infections. The other is an infection disease doctor.

-For the past 4-5 days he’s been having an injection that is supposed to help him produce red blood cells.

-He had a platelet transfusion yesterday. He now bruises easily.

-He also had a PICC line inserted when he was transferred to this hospital. It’s a catheter that is placed in a vein in his arm and it goes all the way into the large veins near his heart. It makes it easier for him to get his medications or to get his blood drawn.

-He has been stumbling with his words, which may be a side effect and he’s still nauseous. He has lost 15 pounds so far.

-His hair started to fall out today.

-He’s had 5 CT scans with contrast so far. The hospital he was originally at did too many of them in a row and it affected his kidneys. The doctors at his current hospital were worried about kidney failure so they have been watching his kidneys closely.

-He had a lot of good sleep and was able to use his CPAP machine last night. He had a lot of energy today. He was able to walk around the hospital floor as well.

April 21st

-Rob is now home!

-He had really good numbers (platelet, red blood cell, electrolyte count) and was given the okay to leave the hospital.

-He has thrush, which is causing lesions in his mouth and esophagus.

-He’s on oxygen and has to carry around an O2 tank.

-His next meeting with his doctor will be on the 26th.

April 26th

-Not too much has been happening since he’s been home.

-He’s been sleeping a lot.

-His appointment with his doctor today went well and they talked about next steps. He’ll need to get another bone marrow biopsy to see if he’ll need to check back into the hospital and start other chemotherapy treatments. It’s possible he could be in remission.

May 3rd

-He will be checking in tomorrow for another hospital stay. It is unclear how long he will stay there.

-He had the bone marrow biopsy done but he doesn’t know the results so we don’t know if he’s in remission. He needs to be in remission in order to get a bone marrow transplant. Otherwise, he will continue with chemotherapy until he’s in remission.

-His levels are borderline okay so he was still getting transfusions while he was at home.

-He has lost 50 pounds so far.

-Hopefully he can talk to his doctors today to get more information about what the next steps will be.

May 5th

-He has checked back into the hospital. He’s expected to only stay for a week this time. He’s on his “second round” of chemo. He’s been on one chemo pill throughout this entire process but now he’s on the second round of other types of chemo.

-Preliminary results show that he may be in remission. Further tests will be done to confirm the remission.

May 17th

-Updates are now being reported by Heather rather than Rob. He hasn’t been well enough to talk on the phone.

-He was discharged last Wednesday. He was supposed to be discharged on Tuesday but he still had high levels of his new chemo drug, methotrexate, in his system so they kept him for another day.

-He had diarrhea for several days after being discharged and on Friday, it was so bad that they went to the ER. But the wait there was between 4-12 hours and he eventually felt better so they just went home.

-He had labs done on Saturday as well as a platelet infusion. He also had a vitamin shot to help him produce more blood cells, I think it’s B12?

-He had a really bad sore throat on Sunday and it was so bad that he couldn’t take his evening pills.

-He’s nauseous today, which makes it hard for him to drink and eat.

-He has another lab appointment tomorrow and depending on the results he may also get another platelet infusion.

-He has lost 60 pounds so far.

-He has a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and hopefully he’ll have the results back from his bone marrow biopsy to confirm that he’s in remission.

May 20th

-The doctor said that he’s essentially in remission even if the test results haven’t come in yet to confirm he’s in remission on a molecular level.

-He will still have to finish his rounds of chemo even though he’s already in remission. He will have 6 more rounds done. If he doesn’t complete all 8 rounds of chemo then there’s a possibility for him to relapse. The bone marrow transplant isn’t enough to keep him in remission, it needs to be all 8 rounds of chemo plus the transplant.

-Since he’s in remission, they will start the bone marrow transplant process. They will need to talk to his insurance to see which hospital the transplant can be done in because sometimes UCI Medical Center can’t do it with certain insurances.

-The transplant can be done starting now until the end of his last round of chemo.

May 31st

-He will most likely check into the hospital next week for this third round of chemo. His hospital stay should only last a week.

-He’s still tired and nauseous but getting better. He has his color in his face back and isn’t relying on the oxygen tank as often.

June 3rd

-On June 1st, he had labs done and almost fainted while at the office. They gave him an infusion of fluids and labs came back showing his creatine levels have almost doubled since Saturday (May 29th). The high levels made them concerned about his kidneys and they told him to go to the ER. The ER told him he had a urinary tract infection.

-He was given IV antibiotics and was discharged the next day.

-He was supposed to start his third round of chemo today but since he's still on antibiotics they will postpone the treatment.

June 30th

-Rob went in for his 3rd round on June 18th and he check out about a week later.

-He had a 7 week gap between his 2nd and 3rd round of chemo and apparently that isn't good. It's supposed to be a 3 week gap in between and any longer than that could mean the chemotherapy won't be as effective. But he was pretty sick during those 7 weeks and they wanted him to feel better before he started chemo. So we believe the doctor's weren't assertive enough when telling him about this 3 week period even though he saw his doctors weekly.

-He is now at home but isn't feeling great after the 3rd round of chemo.

-His insurance won't cover the bone marrow transplant at the hospital he goes to so he will have to find another hospital that will qualify.

July 1st

-He is now on his fourth round of chemo. This one is an out patient procedure. He goes in to get his dose of chemo and then heads home afterwards rather than checking into a hospital for a week.

-He started feeling a lot better after several days of not feeling well at all. He got his appetite and his energy back but not sure how long it will last since he started his fourth round.

July 20th

-He started his fourth round of chemo yesterday. They originally thought the outpatient chemo was the fourth round but it was just remnants of the third round. He will finish it up in four days.

-City of Hope was chosen to be the transplant hospital and his sisters are being tests to see if they're match. If not, they'll look for a match on the registry and if that isn't successful then his sons will be tested. They are half matches so they're not ideal.

-He is officially in molecular remission based off of a test they did with his bone marrow biopsy.

-At the moment he isn't a good candidate because he is too weak. He will have to get his strength up in the next couple of months in order to get the bone marrow transplant.

August 4th

-He had trouble breathing so he was taken to a hospital in Anaheim via ambulance.

-He had a CT scan and was given antibiotics.

-They diagnosed him with pneumonia and transferred him to Foothill Regional Hospital in Tustin.

August 6th

-He was transferred to the ICU this morning.

-He didn't eat last night and didn't want to eat this morning either.

-He was disoriented and that worried the doctor so they gave him another CT scan.

-Heather is trying to get him transferred to the UCI Medical Center since that's where he's been getting his chemo and it's a bigger hospital.

[erikaoneillphotoblog]

Pregnancy Number 2 Update:

It's funny, I remember blogging with my first pregnancy and here I go again blogging with my second. I’ll start by saying that we planned for this pregnancy (on God’s timing of course). We knew we wanted to have another baby so when we found out we were pregnant we were super excited. Week five of this pregnancy is when this crazy journey started for us.

It started off with me feeling super nauseous all day long, it kind of felt like I was on the rockiest cruise ship. That same week the vomiting started. Which all are pretty normal pregnancy symptoms for me, but I had not experienced them that early during my first pregnancy. With Owen these symptoms started around week eight so for these symptoms to start on week five was really a huge surprise to me. I have heard that things tend to happen WAY faster with your second pregnancy, so I planned to just buckle up for what was to come. I had no idea it was going to be so bad. Week five was miserable but week six was far worse. I ended up going to the hospital for dehydration (which also happened with Owen), so once again this all seemed like what had happened in the past which literally sucked but I couldn't imagine it getting worse. The hospital diagnosed me at that time with Hyperemesis, but I had no idea what that was until time went on. Week six met week seven slowly but surely, I hadn’t been able to hold down food or drinks for two weeks at this point. Everything I put in, I vomited out and I mean EVERY SINGLE THING. At this point I was throwing up blood and bile constantly. It started to become really scary. I was so weak and losing weight at a rapid pace. I had tried multiple medications for the nausea and vomiting that my regular OB had prescribed, and they were not working.

I remembered being in the hospital and the Doctor talking to me about a home health team that could come out to our home and give me IV fluids and medication through a stomach pump. So, my husband and I called to see if that was something we could have set up. We were desperate, I felt like I was dying. The same day that I called the insurance company approved me, and the home health team came out to our house right away. THANK HEAVENS! They started me on Zofran through a needle that went into my stomach and an IV. Through all of this I kept feeling like something felt really wrong, this was NOT just normal "morning sickness”. So, I began my research on Hyperemesis and there was so many women talking about this on the internet, but I had never heard of it until I began to research my symptoms.

Every day felt more and more miserable, the nurse said the Zofran pump that was in my stomach would take time to start working, possibly 4-5 days to feel any relief. That week was thanksgiving and we missed thanksgiving with our family for the first time ever. The following day I returned to the hospital, I was really not doing well at all. I cried every day all day. I was miserably sick. Not only physically but mentally. I couldn't play with my sweet boy because I couldn't even leave my bed. He would lay with me and say, “mommy’s sick” and it would literally break my heart.

It was so crazy for all of this to be happening to us, for those that know me they know I am a woman who does what has to get done and waits on nothing; I always work hard. So, for this to happen to us at this time was truly breaking my heart. I had so many symptoms happening to me at once. I was taking all these meds, yet I was still weak, losing SO much weight and still not able to hold down food or fluids. The home health nurse would call every day and I would have the same news to present to her – “No change, still all the same.” I became depressed, I didn't want to talk, I shut everything out phone calls/text messages. I began going to sleep at 6pm so that I wouldn't feel any more physical pain or sadness. I prayed every night but still hadn’t had any change. Sean and I started to have the conversations that we never thought we would ever have. They were sad and very emotional. We cried together so many nights. I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't feel this way, so helpless, so sick all the time. I missed my husband and my son. We were all in the same house, but NOTHING felt the same. EVERYTHING was gloomy, my husband had to be a mom and a dad. He had to do everything for Owen, all the things I loved to do. Baths, prepare dinner, bring him to school, play with him. Imagine the sadness that can bring to a mother; all while trying to continue giving myself reasons to keep this baby. I never in a million years could understand abortion, I never in a million years would have ever thought of it, but I was literally feeling like I was dying inside. Every part of me wanted to just be a happy family again, just the three of us. My husband wanted the same. Every time we talked about what we were going to do, we cried and ended up just going to bed because we could never finish the conversation. It was too emotional, we WANTED this baby, but the way it was happening was NOT how we would have ever expected.

After multiple ER visits, changing OB’s to a high-risk OB (that had more experience in hyperemesis care) and receiving new medication that was still not working; I finally decided to stop everything. I was falling into a deep depression and it was WAY too overwhelming for me. I woke up a couple days before Christmas and said NO MORE. I removed my IV, stopped my stomach pump, stopped all medications and decided I was going to give my body a break. I had lost 26 pounds (in 2 months) and couldn't eat or drink still but really wanted to give my body a chance to see what it could do off of all medications. I couldn't figure out if it was all of the medication that I was on that was making me feel worse physically and mentally, so I needed that break in order to see what was really going on.

I will say ALL the glory goes to Jesus for the miracle that I am about to tell you all about. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I was able to leave my bed and sit with family. I was able to pick at some foods and keep them down without vomiting. It started a new direction for me in this pregnancy journey and I honestly couldn't explain how this was all happening other than God’s healing hand on me. All the prayer warriors that were praying and have been praying for me and my family I can’t thank you enough. I struggled hard with God’s timing in this, but I knew deep in my heart that his timing is never late but always on time. Even when we can’t see it. My husband constantly reminded me about our faith and what we believed in and I couldn't be more thankful for the way he has held our family down.

I am on week 16 now and able to eat small amounts every couple of hours. I am still nauseous in the afternoons and ALWAYS extremely exhausted, but any improvement is better than what I was experiencing in those first thirteen weeks. It’s still a process and I think mentally it is still extremely exhausting when I think about all we’ve been through lately, but I am so grateful for God, my husband and our families who have dropped everything just to be there for us and help take care of us during this time. Hyperemesis you are straight from the enemy. I’m convinced. You have made me waver from what I know is right and wrong, but I kept fighting because I know my God is bigger than the devil and his schemes to break my faith. My God is big. The biggest in fact. He loves me and my family. I know that everything is going to be okay because God says it will be. His word says “Do not worry...” countless times. I am growing a tiny human that is fighting to meet Daddy, Myself and Owen, so I will also keep fighting until we hold you in our arms. I heard this beautiful quote this morning and I thought it would be perfect to close out this blog, so I’ll leave you with this for now… “If we find the lesson in our pain, it doesn’t hurt, it becomes purposeful, all of our pain is purposeful”.

Love,

Erika

#pregnancy #moms #motherhood #hyperemesis #hyperemesis gravidarum

[katvonkitty-blog]

Getting back into the groove

So I know that I have only really written a couple of blogs and posted a silly amount of photos but I'm getting to a point in my life where I feel like I need to stop writing out minor thoughts to myself and sharing these thoughts with the world like I intended. Because one thing I have realized is people take other peoples opinions and base their decisions off of other people's opinions, such as Yelp and restaurant reviews.

So in the hopes that someone will read one of my blogs and find something in it that they want to try or will think will be useful or helpful to them, I'm going to make an effort to write (at the very least) one blog a month. I'm going to try and do more but with the way life rolls, it's hard to determine how much time I'll actually have to sit down and write.

Right now in my life I'm going through a bit of a stressful time but I feel like I am managing pretty well, considering the way I used to manage stress.

It started with me coming back from doing yoga teacher training in Thailand and literally the same day I got back, I went to see my dad. To see the state that he was in was really quite shocking and upsetting. He was barely able to stand on his own two feet to give me a hug. He wobbled, and I'm not sure if it was because he had too much to drink or if it was because he was lacking the nutrients he needed from food. My father has been an ongoing concern for me in that regard. He never seemed to really have much care for himself and that to me is very sad. Yet no matter how many times my brother or I would talk to him about his health, it's almost like he would just shluf it off and tell us he's fine but then continue to complain about how he's not fine.

Within a week of my being home, my grandmother fell 3 times. Each time refusing to go to the hospital because, in her mind, going to the hospital means you're going to die, especially if it's Oakville. Sorry, that's a inside joke with my family. Yes, we are a little dark with our jokes. But we also feel like if you can't laugh at life, then you're taking life too seriously.

Just for the record, my grandmother feels this way about Oakville hospital because her husband as well as her mother-in-law went there and died there.

After the third time my mother managed to convince my grandmother to go to the hospital, Credit Valley not Oakville, and that's where she's been for the past two months. Her mind slowly deteriorating and her now refusing food for a couple of weeks, we're all prepping for her to "move on". Despite her dementia, my grandmother from time to time voices that she does not want to die but I feel she knows that it is inevitable and that her time is coming soon.

Thankfully my aunt from California came to assist in keeping my grandmother company so that my mom could have a bit of a break, some time to herself. Little did she know that her break was going to be longer than she expected and, due to the circumstances, hoped.

As soon as my mom took a day to herself, the night of she ended up in the emergency thinking she was suffering from concussion symptoms which then turned out to be an obstructed bowel. It has now been one and a half weeks since my mother first got into the hospital and had an emergency surgery. She has since then had a second surgery to correct a problem that occurred during her first surgery and has been constantly nauseous, not being able to eat. In fact, it has been a week and a half now since she has actually eaten food. The hospital has hooked her up to something like an IV drip to give her some nutrients.

During all of this, my boyfriend and I have been adamantly looking for an apartment with no success. Not only has Toronto become ridiculously expensive for a one-bedroom apartment but most of them have the weirdest layouts. The search continues.

In the meantime, I am keeping myself busy with work and trying to maintain my mom's house. Feeling more and more responsible and more like an adult each day, especially as my 31st birthday approaches.

Even though I have had my emotional moments throughout all of this, I have still managed to keep my shit together. Especially with the love, support and help of my brother, a number of my mother's friends, some of my own friends/co-workers and my boyfriend.

It's funny how stressful times can show you just how blessed you really are.

[imagine-knb]

If I Die Young [Kiyoshi Teppei]

Originally posted on my personal writing blog (along with other writing accounts that I have). I thought it’d be nice to bring it here as well. I hope you enjoy. -Neon

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in a river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Kiyoshi hadn’t been nervous on his flight to America. No, the only emotion he was feeling was the sting of sadness as he left his friends behind in his home country of Japan. He hadn’t even felt that nervous standing at the front desk of the hospital, his grandparents on either side of him as they checked in. Rather, he felt annoyed at the fact that he was struggling to understand the quick speech pattern of the nurse in charge—English was still pretty difficult for him to grasp. Now that he was standing in front of the room which he would reside in for the next few months however, Kiyoshi suddenly felt very nauseous. He had never been a fan of hospital visits. Not ever since he was forced to stay in one for therapy sessions the first time his leg was injured.

Kiyoshi watched as the nurse opened the door for him, gesturing for him to enter before her. Walking in, he was instantly met with a sight he hadn’t expected to see. A girl was sitting up on the bed adjacent to the one he presumed to be his, her eyes which were previously focused on the blaring television now centering in on him. She gave him a smile and a small wave of her hand before redirecting her eyes to the commercials that were playing.

“This is ____,” the nurse said kindly as she showed Kiyoshi to his bed. “She’ll be your roommate for as long as you’re here. Please do get along.”

After a lengthy speech about what Kiyoshi should expect over the next few months and a couple warnings about the sensitive buttons wired to his bed, the nurse left the room. It was tense for a few moments on Kiyoshi’s part, the only sound that filtered through the air being that of the television. Kiyoshi was only partially startled when the television screen was turned off, complete and utter silence filling the room for a few seconds.

“I’m ____, but the nurse already told you that,” the girl on the other hospital bed said, her hands idly fumbling with a remote control and she gave Kiyoshi a warm smile. “What’s yours?”

It took a moment for her words to sink in, the process of translating English to Japanese being rather slow in his mind. He had to think about his words carefully before saying them. “I am… Teppei Kiyoshi. It is very nice to meet you.” Kiyoshi mumbled a bit, nearly forgetting that in America people were typically introduced with their first name then last.

If possible, ____’s smile widened and her eyes seemed to glisten as she listened to the rather tall boy speak. “You have got a pretty funny accent. Where are you from?”

Kiyoshi was grateful that, this time, ____ avoided using contractions in her sentence and actually spoke a bit slower. It made it easier for him to understand. “Uh… Japan.”

“Wowie,” she whistled, her expression showing genuine amazement. It made Kiyoshi relax a bit and he found himself leaning back against the headboard of his bed, a small comforted smile gracing his lips. “So Teppei, what are you here for?”

Shocked by her forwardness, Kiyoshi had to remind himself that it was customary to call people by their first names in America. He stumbled a bit with his words, starting his sentence over a few times in order to convey to her his reason for being at the hospital. “My knee. I am going to be in surgery today.”

Saying it out loud, Kiyoshi suddenly felt that what was happening was truly inevitable. He felt a numbness overtake him as he thought about the surgery to come. So many things could go wrong. What if the anesthetics didn’t work? Or what if they worked too well and he never woke up? What if the surgery was a failure? What if he could never walk again? All these questions and more bombarded the basketball player’s mind and, slowly, his small smile turned into a grimace. His eyebrows furrowed together into a bushy line on his forehead and his gaze focused on his hands which were clenching onto his bed sheet. They would be coming for him any hour now and he wasn’t sure he was ready.

Noticing his sudden distress, ____ could only guess that he was nervous. “Don’t worry, you will be fine. The people here are very good at what they do,” she reassured him, her gentle voice catching his attention once more. “Trust me. I’ve been here long enough, so I can tell.”

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh, And life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well I’ve had just enough time

A few days later and Kiyoshi’s surgery had been a complete success. Now he had nothing to do but lay in bed, waiting for the day where he would be healed enough to start walking again. Time seemed to crawl on slowly for the teenager, but talking with his roommate seemed to make things more bearable.

____ and Kiyoshi had gotten to know each other quite well over the past few days, telling each other about their pasts and about the important things they held dear to them. Kiyoshi couldn’t help but talk about his basketball experiences with the girl, recounting the many games he had played and won over the years. ____, in turn, would tell him about her passions and hobbies, often describing them in great detail to the point Kiyoshi could practically see her doing them. Sure, a lot of comments were lost in translation, but the gist of what each person was saying was enough to spark excitement into what was expected to be a boring hospital stay.

Every so often, for at least an hour or two, their long conversations would be interrupted by a visit from ____’s mother. The older woman would hobble in, a book in her hands—Kiyoshi guessed that it was some sort of book of faith—and she would sit next to her daughter, reading the scriptures that were written in there. The two females would pray with each other every time the older woman came to visit, taking their time in repeating the same phrases.

One day, after her mother had left the room while bidding the two teenagers goodbye, Kiyoshi asked ____ about her faith.

“I don’t really know if I believe in it,” ____ admitted, shrugging her shoulders carefully. Her left arm was attached to an IV, an unknown liquid dripping into her system and preparing her for her surgery to come. “But it makes my mom happy, so I participate.”

Kiyoshi nodded, understanding the feeling of wanting to make a family member happier through actions. “What do you pray for?”

____ gave him a smile, though he could tell that there was a certain sadness in her eyes. Her fingers started to fidget with the sheets on her bed as she answered him. “I’m not the healthiest person out there. I’ve had some pretty gnarly surgeries before,” she murmured, lifting the hospital gown up a bit to show him the long scar that ran down her side and back. “We pray because, well… it’s just in case.”

He understood the implications of her words clearly. The type of surgeries she had to undergo were dangerous; she could die. Deciding that he would let the conversation drop for now, Kiyoshi turned to look out the window as he allowed his brows to furrow. He was upset with himself for letting the conversation take such a sour turn. ____, however, wasn’t at all affected by their topic and continued to speak.

“I don’t want to die, but Mom says praying will make things less scary in case I do.” ____ turned to look out the window as well, her eyes softening at the sight of fluffy white clouds lazily drifting through the sky. “I’m not scared though.”

Kiyoshi turned his worried gaze over to the girl, his eyes questioning. He noticed how her eyes still seemed to sparkle despite their grim conversation. Had she not been so pale from being indoors all the time and had she not been constantly attached to a hospital bed, Kiyoshi would have thought of her as one of the most beautiful girls he’d ever seen.

“I’m not scared because I’m going to come back one day.”

“Come back?” Kiyoshi was confused. She couldn’t possibly mean that she would come back to life after a while. The image of a zombie movie he had watched a few years back flashed into his mind and he shuddered. “How?”

“Reincarnation.”

Kiyoshi sighed, his heart calming a bit at the relatively normal answer. He hadn’t really thought about reincarnation being an answer, so he was glad when she brought it up. It was a topic he was more comfortable with discussing. “What do you think you will become?”

“A rainbow,” she answered, thoroughly confusing Kiyoshi once again. When he looked at her in question once more, she gave him a warm smile before clarifying. “They make people happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well I’ve had just enough time

She was wringing her hands together, a nervous habit Kiyoshi had learned to recognize whenever her doctor came in to have a word with her. Eyes downcast towards the wrinkles in her bed, he could hear the slight wheeze of her breathing. The liquid that had been seeping into her body through an IV had made her weaker, more susceptible to illness, but it was supposed to help make the surgery easier on both her and the surgeons. It had been days since they had started her on the drip feed. It had also been days since the two of them had their conversation about reincarnation. Kiyoshi could remember her smile vividly as she talked about making others happy, but he was having trouble finding that smile now.

“What is wrong?” He asked, breaking through the unbearable silence in the room. He wanted to get up from his bed and reach out to comfort her, but he still wasn’t allowed to move on his own.

Startled by the sudden inquiry, ____ redirected her gaze towards Kiyoshi. She forced a smile onto her face, but the gesture didn’t reach her eyes. Kiyoshi could tell that she was still scared behind her brave façade. Fingers subconsciously continuing in their fidgeting motion, ____ inhaled shakily before answering.

“My surgery is today, Teppei,” she answered, trying her best to hide the nervous waver in her voice. “They finally found a donor and I’m getting some replacement parts.” Trying her best to lighten up the mood, she poked at her side which held the long scar marring her body. She traced the line with her finger, mimicking the motion of a scalpel slicing through skin. “I kind of feel like a robot or android getting some brand spanking new parts from the auto shop.”

In her desperate attempt to seem like her normally cheerful self, ____ had spoken a bit too quickly and Kiyoshi had trouble understanding the words that left her mouth. He had only caught a few of them, but it wasn’t enough for him to translate into a coherent sentence. He did, however, understand her body language as that of a person who was anxious to get something over with. Mustering up as much of a smile as he could manage, he made sure it reached his eyes as he spoke.

“Do not worry,” he started, patting his lap in a gesture that brought some attention to his healing knee. “Someone once told me that the people here are very good at what they do.”

A small gasp escaped ____’s lips as she recognized the words Kiyoshi had uttered. Small tears had started to form at the corners of her eyes as she looked over to the brunette male and she had to rub at her face with the heel of her hand to stop her waterworks, giving him the weakest smile she could manage. Her lips were quivering slightly, strong emotions overcoming her as she struggled to accept the fate that was dealt to her. She was scared.

But Kiyoshi’s smile and kindhearted words were giving her a glimmer of hope.

Deciding that it would be best to keep her mind off the thought of her surgery to come, Kiyoshi continued to hold a conversation with ____. They talked about whatever came to mind, often having to repeat themselves as their language barrier still got in the way of their communication quite often. Every so often a laugh would escape ____’s lips, causing Kiyoshi’s heart to flutter a bit as he was reminded of the sweet sound of ringing wind chimes. He wanted to hear her laugh more.

An hour later and the doctors and nurses had finally arrived—in Kiyoshi’s opinion they had arrived much to quickly—and they started shifting things around the room so they could wheel ____ away towards the operating room. Before she left the room, she looked at Kiyoshi, the smile he had placed on her face wavering slightly.

“Wish me luck?”

“You do not need it,” he said, flashing her a grin along with a thumbs up. “You will be coming back.”

And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger, I’ve never known the lovin’ of a man But it sure felt nice when he was holdin’ my hand, There’s a boy here in town, says he’ll love me forever, Who would have thought forever could be severed by…

…the sharp knife of a short life, oh well? I’ve had just enough time

Taking yet another shaky step, Kiyoshi couldn’t help but grin in self-satisfaction as he merely brushed his fingertips against the wall of the hallway. He had started walking again a few days ago, taking it slow as his legs got used to carrying his weight once more. It had been a struggle at first and Kiyoshi would often find himself upset when he could only take a few steps before feeling tired, but now he had built up both his strength and stamina. He had finally accomplished his goal of walking down the hallway and back and he was feeling prouder than ever.

A nurse gripped onto the handle of a door, opening it for Kiyoshi as she helped him inside. Upon entering the room, Kiyoshi was met with the familiar sound of a heart monitor beeping away. He had to force his frown to leave upon casting his eyes towards the occupied bed, noticing that ____ was once again idly watching television. Walking slowly into the room, he made a short detour to her bedside, standing next to it and towering over her frail frame.

Noticing that Kiyoshi had shuffled his way to her bedside, ____ pressed a button on the remote control that sat loosely in her grip, effectively shutting off the television. She flashed him a weak smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling a bit.

“How far did you make it today?” She asked, watching as Kiyoshi fished around in the pocket of his sweats for a bit. When he finally pulled out the object he was searching for, he let it drop onto ____’s bed. To say she was utterly confused when a crumpled up tissue landed on her bed would be an understatement. “What’s this?”

“There is a tissue box at the end of the hall,” Kiyoshi stated, a small smile forming on his lips as he watched her put the pieces of the puzzle together. In his mind, he imagines that she’d probably do something cheesy like treasure the tissue for as long as she can and it makes a feeling of pride swell in his chest.

“Teppei, that’s great!” Despite her lack of breath and weak status, ____ had managed to sound ecstatic. She tried in vain to sit up, only to have one of Kiyoshi’s large hands gently push her back onto the bed so she could rest. “You’ll be back to playing basketball in no time.”

Kiyoshi nodded, deciding he would much rather stay by her side for a few more minutes than go over to his own bed. Asking the nurse for a bit of help, Kiyoshi struggled slightly to sit in the chair that was always near ____’s side. Once the two of them were comfortable, the nurse left the room, promising to return in a few minutes.

Kiyoshi took that time to study ____’s weakened state. Yes, her surgery had been a complete success and the doctors were able to replace all the parts that needed to be removed, but the IV drip that had been supposed to prepare her body for her new organs hadn’t done its job as expected. Upon the end of her surgery, it quickly became apparent that her body was rejecting the new parts, causing an internal warfare to ensue inside of her. The doctors were doing everything in their power to make ____ healthy again, but nothing seemed like enough. The biological struggle inside of her had caused ____ to become severely ill, her skin much paler than normal and her muscles barely able to keep up her own weight. Even breathing was a difficult task and more often than not, she was attached to a machine that would help her do that as well. Her eyes still held that sliver of hope however.

And so did Kiyoshi’s.

Shifting a bit in his seat, Kiyoshi moved to hold her smaller hand in his. Her skin felt cold to the touch, almost corpse like, and Kiyoshi wanted nothing more than to warm her up. A small, almost unnoticeable pressure on his hand alerted him out of his grim thoughts and his eyes instantly found ____’s. She was smiling.

“I’m going to be alright,” she assured slowly. “I promise.”

So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh, no, I’ll sell ‘em for a dollar They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’ Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

A few nights later and Kiyoshi was struggling to sleep comfortably. He was having a vivid dream, images of a healthy ____ standing before him in all her glory. Her skin, no longer a sickening pale color, seemed to glow and her eyes shined with a happiness he hadn’t seen in such a long while. She was laughing, the sound that he had grown to love reaching his ears, caressing his mind. Her hands were pulling him along, leading him to some unknown place. He was hesitant at first, not knowing if his legs could handle the fast pace at which she was going, but upon realizing that his muscles worked perfectly fine he ran alongside her.

“See? I told you everything is going to be fine.” She laughed once more, talking with him normally as they slowed their run to an eventual stop. She sounded distant despite being so close to him and Kiyoshi almost had to ask her to repeat herself. “You’re going to get better and everything will be just fine.”

“What about you?”

____ let go of his hand and Kiyoshi suddenly felt cold. Turning on her heel so she could face the tall male, she gave him the same grin she had shown him the first time they met. Somewhere in the distance, Kiyoshi could hear a familiar sound.

“Everything is going to be fine,” she echoed once more.

Her image started to seem blurry to Kiyoshi’s eyes and he found himself reaching out for her, only to come up empty as his hand simply phased through her. Calling ____’s name, Kiyoshi started to feel a slight panic as his heart started to beat in time with the sound in the background. He tried to pinpoint where the noise was coming from, his sleep hazed mind barely able to recognize why the sound seemed so familiar.

Kiyoshi woke up with a start, sitting upright in his bed instantly. A cold sweat was making its way down his neck and he shivered involuntarily. He rubbed at his eyes, his mind still foggy from his confusing dream. Normally this would be the time where he would selfishly wake ____ up, wanting to tell her about his dream before he could forget the next morning. She would complain about his rude behavior for waking her up so early in the morning, only to sit up as well and listen to his narration. However, this time his voice was caught in his throat. Something about tonight seemed different, almost as if he had seen that dream for a reason.

Looking over towards his roommate’s bed, Kiyoshi’s eyes landed on her passive face. She looked cold, her skin almost seeming blue due to the dark shadows of the night. The background sound that had invaded his dream was still ringing in his ear and, if Kiyoshi hadn’t glanced at ____’s heart monitor, he would’ve thought he was just hearing things. However, he did glance at the heart monitor and the image that was portrayed nearly caused him to have a heart attack of his own.

One long, thin green line was displayed on the digital screen and a constant beep resonated through the room.

Kiyoshi didn’t know when he had stumbled off his bed, his legs nearly giving out under the sudden weight of his body. He could barely recognize the feel of ____’s soft skin on his hands when he reached out to touch her face. He could barely see her features, a wave of emotion suddenly clouding his vision. He didn’t even know when he had instinctively reached for what he deemed as the panic button she had on her bedside.

Doctors and nurses alike quickly filed into the room, some of them gently ushering Kiyoshi back to his own bed as others quickly got to work on the girl. His ears barely registered the commanding voices bouncing around in the room as the curtain between his bed and ____’s was drawn, effectively shutting him away from ever seeing her again.

The internal warfare that had been plaguing her for days was finally over. ____’s body had won.

But at a terrible price.

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh) The ballad of a dove (uh, oh) Go with peace and love Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket Save 'em for a time when you’re really gonna need 'em, oh

After that night, the room was silent for a long time. Often, Kiyoshi wondered if he should switch on the television for some ambient noise. Even the thought of calling his friends back in Japan had crossed his mind a couple times. Anything to keep the silence out of the room. But he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it, instead basking in the solitude that now consumed him. He hadn’t cried, thinking that ____ wouldn’t want him to do so.

It was the next day when an older woman hobbled into Kiyoshi’s hospital room, shuffling over to the now empty bed. She didn’t have a book in her hands this time, knowing full well that it was no use bringing something like that now. Slowly, she opened drawers and cabinets that were beside the empty bed, cleaning them out of all the belongings that had been collecting dust in there for months. When she opened the last drawer, she found a bunch of papers and useless trinkets along with a crumpled up tissue. She quickly shoved the items in that drawer into the rubbish bin, having no use for them.

A twinge of pain found its way into Kiyoshi’s heart as he watched the wadded up tissue fall into the rubbish bin. He hadn’t really expected ____ to keep it. Turning his eyes away from the woman in his room, he bites back the emotion that threatens to overcome him.

“Thank you.”

It’s the first time the older woman has spoken directly to Kiyoshi and he almost has to ask her to repeat herself. When he finally turns his gaze towards ____’s mother, she is sitting on what used to be her daughter’s bed, her tired eyes staring at the floor. Kiyoshi can see the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes, evidence of all the years she had spent worrying over her sickly daughter. It makes his stomach churn uncomfortably as he realizes that this woman can finally rest, though the price of that relaxation was far too great.

“You made her happy in what little time she had left,” ____’s mother said after a long while, finally turning her gaze to look Kiyoshi straight in the eyes. He could see the family resemblance and, for a moment, he wondered if ____ would’ve grown to look like her mother had she lived. “I’m very thankful that she had the opportunity to meet someone like you.”

Kiyoshi opened his mouth to respond, but immediately closed it. What was he supposed to say? That he was grateful as well? Or perhaps that he was glad to have met ____ despite their individual circumstances? Either option didn’t seem appropriate to the male teen and, despite his desperate need to convey his feelings, he bit back his words. He didn’t trust his voice not to waver.

Noticing his silence, the older woman continued. “If you’re still in the area when it happens, I’m sure she would like for you to come to the funeral.”

Standing from her position on the bed, ____’s mother gathered up the things she had collected from the drawers before slowly stepping towards the exit of the room. She paused momentarily, one of her hands holding the door open as she turned back in Kiyoshi’s direction. He noticed how her eyes seemed to look passed him, gazing out the window that stayed beside him.

“She’s in a better place now.”

Taking her leave, the older woman closed the door quietly, once again causing the room to be consumed in silence. Once he could no longer hear the click of her heels in the hallway outside, Kiyoshi turned his attention to the window beside him. His eyes widened at the sight.

He hadn’t noticed it before, but earlier that day rain had plagued the sky, causing a downpour of fat raindrops to bombard the people outside. Though, the awful weather had subsided for now and a beautiful arch now painted the sky. Kiyoshi counted the colors of the rainbow stretching across the view his window had to offer of the outside world, each pigment bringing back painful memories of a smile he wished to see just once more.

This time, Kiyoshi couldn’t stop the flow of tears from falling.

The sharp knife of a short life, oh well I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls.

#kiysohi

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

personal rant

tw: eating disorder, anxiety, depression, suicide mention, fat shaming, abuse, idk, my life is one big shit hole, idk what tags to wack on here.

do not reblog - do not like if your likes are public - do not interact if youre over 25

warning: this post is super long bc i dont know what concision is and i have a lot of thoughts and feelings :)

so, this is going to get fairly personal, and talk about things ive never really talked about before, or felt comfortable talking about. i still feel so so so exceptionally uncomfortable talking about body weight, and weight loss, and fat, and eating disorders, and all that jazz, but the point of this post is to talk about personal growth, and then ramble and go into some self-loathing.

so, a huge part of how I used to justify my eating, when i was in secondary school, was i was really determined to enjoy every food, which was my favourite, as much as possible. and, so i would eat a lot of something, and just so much of it, because i had this fear, “what if the company stopped manufacturing this suddenly, and this is the last time i ever get to enjoy it?” so i’d eat like a whole box of shapes and a whole bag of chips in one sitting kind of thing. which is why in 8th-9th grade i gained like 25kg.

of course, this isnt factoring the huge huge influence in my eating that depression, and my mother [and my determination to do things to spite her out of anger]. and like obviously they played a huge role. like i ate because i hated life and was depressed, and it was “comforting” and it became habitual, and then my mum was the furtherest thing, and still is, from emotionally supportive, and when she would yell at me to stop, or shame me, or make me feel bad about my eating or my body, i would eat more just to spite her. just because i didnt want to be her little fucking minion, and all obedient and submissive and shit.

but, the fear of “what if i never get to enjoy this thing again?” was pretty big, and im just realising, on that front, i have come so so far. im sure the fact that last year, several of my favourite foods ceased to be manufactured, helped me, subconsciously, realise how fucking unnecessary that fear was, because in the end, it didnt matter, the things i like have changed, i have grown to like new things, i have grown to dislike things i used to love, its all so fucking arbitrary. a year or so ago, aldi had some specials, and my mum bought home this sesame based turkish dessert thing. i dont remember what it was called probably the most delicious thing ive ever tasted. and it was okay for me to just enjoy a little, and not go on looking for more. im getting better at stopping. im getting better at being content, instead of always trying to chase more satisfaction. but yeh, ive gotten better.

i still eat ALOT because of depression. and i think that is okay. its important to have priorities, and i think eating is better for me than many of the other ways i could or have coped with depression in the past. and generally, if im sad and want to eat, i have to go outside and go walk somewhere to buy food, which is good for me.

and doing things to spite my mother, still happens, because she is still so hateful. but my motives arent necessarily to spite her as such, as to fucking defend my right to exist, and my right to make my own decisions.

i still have good and bad times. i often lose 5kg over the span of a couple weeks, and gain 10kg over a couple months, it’s so back and forth. but it’s generally staying the same, on average, and for me, that’s like getting a C+. it’s sufficient.

this last year, has been really difficult for me with body image. i was covering up my mirrors for a good while. i still feel sick when i open up snapchat and the front camera is enabled. i have gone up a half dress size, and i hate it, but i should have caved and starting buying things in the larger size a while ago. its better to wear something that feels comfortable and looks like it isnt too tight, then to fuss over a number on a tag.

i feel like shit when my sister wants to go to shops at the mall like supre and valleygirl, and i cannot even look at the racks, because i know the only thing in the store that will fit me is the sunglasses.

i still am not on board with the whole fat positivity thing. i know its important. i know that someones body weight doesnt decrease their worth as a person. these are facts. but i still fucking loathe myself. and i still feel fucking worthless.

i feel like i am incapable of being loved because i am not pretty enough. i am not thin enough. pretty and thin are much the same to me. i would be pretty if i were thin.

i feel nauseous on public transport because i take up too much space on a seat. people have to press against me to move past me in the aisle. i try and make myself smaller, but i never am small enough.

when i am depressed and crying i put a pillow over my head to shield the universe from having to witness my face. i am too fat and ugly to cry, because only skinny girls look good when they cry. i dont feel entitled to sadness.

i dont feel entitled to a lot of emotions. because i am not pretty enough to be human. not skinny enough to be human.

and i know it is fucking bullshit, but i still feel it.

and i am angry, that there are only two possible portrayals for bigger people. bullies. or bubbly. i am not happy. i am not bubbly. i shouldnt have to be over the top smiling and laughing and have flawless skin and makeup in order to fit into one of the two boxes that exist for me; the only box where i am “good.”

i dont know i just really wish that when i was younger i had access to healthy food that tasted good, and to sporting activities that i enjoyed. instead of it being “we’re too poor to do club sport” and my mum telling me physical fitness didnt matter, and with food, it was like, no effort from my mum to try and find healthy options that i liked. she’d serve up peas, and force me to sit at the table til i ate them. and i would sit there for 4 hours with her intermittently yelling that if i didnt hurry up she’d shove them down my throat with a broom handle. instead of her thinking okay, what other healthy foods are that i could try and get the kids to eat, and trying to figure out what would work, but no instead she served up peas once a week and it was the same fucking ordeal. and i really fucking despise my mum, and blame her for a lot. because she socialised me, until i was 12, to not give a shit about my body and fitness, and then i start highschool, start eating out of depression, gaining weight like crazy, mum gets a diabetes scare, and next minute she’s determined to teach me how to hate myself. and to me, thats unforgiveable.

i wish things had been very very different in my life, and wish things were very different now. because its, probably not impossible, but really fucking difficult to make meaningful changes in my life when im dirt fucking poor, and constantly wrestling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, and have a p darn shitty family situation, and almost no friends that arent in very similar boats.

#do not reblog

[karelounge]

HOW IT ALL BEGAN

July 30th 2019- Hi y’all… My husband has had cancer since December of 2018… It has been a journey in the little time that has passed… He was in remission in April and it came back in May. They had him doing high dosage chemo, and just this week they checked how its doing, and the chemo is not working. We will see what the doctors have to say on Wednesday… On what they want to try next.Since the beginning I have been mourning my husband… since then, It’s been off and on. But it has always been a part of me to prepare for the worst… I would really hate to have to burry him in a few months.. I will really go into shock if it comes to that. He was raised very different than me. My parents were more old school, very involved and a bit over protective, while his parents let him do whatever whenever. I have really tried to get him to adapt a healthier lifestyle… But after trying so hard I have grown to just accept that it’s out of my control. I need to be well mentally and physically to be able to take care of him. I wished my friends would check on me… Instead of how everyone at work just asks how he’s doing… I have been doing fairly well these past couple of days… But it’s definitely been difficult to get where i am today. I am trying to stay strong and self reliant. I wish I wasnt human and didn’t feel the need for wanting someone to check on me or be the shoulder i desperately need. I cannot rely on my husband for this… He is going through too much for me to burden him with my emotions. I want him to focus on the fight… I could keep going forever about this… Thanks for reading.

..

August 5th 2019-

After seeing the Oncologist Wednedsay July 31st, the fight keeps on. We got a new treatment plan that involves chemo pills, IV chemo, and IV chemo injections into the spine. Unfortunately, my husband does experience discomfort from the LPs (lumbar puncture), which will definitely will be a change for him to go through this treatment.

I have high hopes for MD Anderson doing what they said they’ll do and take good care of my husband. Unfortunately, we do live in the United States, and all these hospitals just care to make profit and the insurance companies try to get away with as much as they can. We have been fortunate that the insurance has covered a lot of the cost, and we do have a mountain of medical bills. The struggle and the fight continues.

This has definitely caused my mental health to be a roller-coaster ride and it has thrown my self care off the rails. I am trying to be there as much as possible, as my health is also important to me. I’m hoping that things will improve with my husband’s side effects once treatment is started.

” We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.”

Monday 8/5/19 – This weekend was really tough. When people that say enjoy the days that our loved one with cancer isn’t experiencing the cancer symptoms… Well I finally get it, because the chemo on the first diagnosis was working well and he was his normal self throughout it. While the time that the doctors decided to not do the chemo he was currently on because it wasn’t working, all his cancer symptoms came in… the nausea, the fatigue, plus depression and a roller coaster of emotions, sure makes things fuuuunnn (sarcasm). I got him as much of God’s plant as I could get him. It has been the one thing that makes his face to look as not sad or as nauseous. I am certain things will get better, but having to come to work while my hubby is going to start a new chemo that he is frightened about is definitely a challenge to stay composed at work. I really need to speak to someone that can help me lean on them through these tough times.. I do not want to burden my husband with my problems. Please keep us in your prayers and send us love and good vibes. Funds are tight, so please donate at our gofundme https://www.gofundme.com/f/AAlfaro

Much Love, xoxo Karry

..

August 12th 2019

Weekends are the beginning of a new week for me. The weekends mean so much to me because I am able to spend two full days with the man I have loved for close to 10 years, he is my everything, and he is the love of my life.

Watching him struggle with hospital procedures, body pains, constant fatigue, and now with his sleeping schedule all out of wack, is definitely hurting me more and more each week. I do not know what the future holds, ever since we got the news of the cancer coming back in May 2019. It was devastating. Then after doing 3 rounds of high dosage chemo, and finding out that the chemo was not working. We both broke, and I seem to continue to keep breaking down emotionally.

Anyone would feel crushed and devastated after so many bad news. These news brought the thought of death back in my mind. When my husband was first diagnosed, I had constant panic attacks, and couldn’t stop myself from crying. I am proud of myself for resorting to getting professional help with a therapist and seeing my general doctor about the body pains that the stress and anxiety are doing to me. I have been taking medication for anxiety and depression daily, and a sedative for whenever I get panic attacks.

Now that we are in the path of treatment once more, I am uncertain as to where I fit into this relationship. I have definitely been there for everything my husband has needed, I try to help him stay relaxed and give him advise. But is that all my life will be from now on? Taking care of my husband? I try to take care of myself, but that has gotten far off the rails. I don’t know what to do or where to start. I am a lazy social butterfly. I am definitely chatty, but lack confidence in myself. I get social anxiety when going to new places. I want to continue living my life, but what about my husband? I do not know how to deal or cope with this. Until next time.

xoxo Karry

..

August 20th 2019

First Cancer diagnosis was on Dec. 12, 2018 (250 days ago from today). Second Diagnosis was on May 31, 2019 (80 days ago).

It seems like it was yesterday that my husband was in ICU, that he was in remission, that he was his happy self making useless jokes that only made him laugh. On July 31, 2019, we saw the doctor for the new treatment plan. My husband said something along the lines of.. If God decide’s its his time, he will be all around us, because we’re all made out of energy and energy is recycled in the universe… something like that. When I first heard him talk about death like it’s nothing, it broke me inside.. I’ve never thought of my life without him in it… but what if that does happen. This whole experience has been traumatizing. My jaw is always clenched, my teeth are constantly chattering, my hands shake, and I am emotionally numb. I hate to give into the thoughts of death, but they are normal. I have always tried to prepare for the worst case scenario in everything in my life, but nothing could of prepared me for this. My husband’s current diagnosis is Central Nervous System Lymphoma, the statistics that can be found on the internet in regards to this cancer are very grim. My cancer support group that has plenty of survivors, tell me to not think too much on those numbers, some were given a couple of months to live and they have lived years since then. I hope that God can bless my husband with plenty more birthdays, and in the case that my prayers don’t get answered he will always live in my heart, in the hearts and memories of all the lives he has touched.

These past few weeks the treatment has made him extremely weak. He has lost his balance after so many LPs (Lumbar Punctures), plus the medications that he is on make him extremely fatigued and this has caused his legs to get weaker where he cannot get up, sit up, or walk without assistance. I pray that he never falls. We are all here for him for anything that he might need, and we are extremely proud of his strength and motivation, even though there are those bad days where I have to kind of nudge him to take his medications. For pains, or headaches he keeps wanting to treat it with marijuana or caffeine instead of taking his medicines. On top of all this, his left eye is pretty much gone. He can no longer see through it, and last night he was telling me that his right eye was hurting.

Staying hopeful, but I am broken.

xoxo Karry

..

September 20th 2019

A lot happens in a day in the lives of my husband and myself. The final day of radiation is 9/11/19… his niece’s, Haqua’s birthday.

A quick recap of the second diagnosis… Diagnosed on 5/31/19 with CNS lymphoma. First treatment was liquid high dosage chemo, and it was not working. 7/31/19, Second treatment was chemo pills with LPs and some liquid chemo. I believe on 8/26/19 he was admitted to start radiation.

Since he was on the chemo pills he became disabled and could no longer see out of his left eye. Once his oncologist saw the cancer claim his eye and starting to take away his mobility, he wanted to start on radiation right away. He was admitted for about 5 days to start his daily radiation treatment. After he was discharged, the doctor assigned physical therapy for my husband twice a week or so… In just a week of the radiation and physical therapy he has completely turned around. It’s still a struggle to bend down for him, but other than that he is able to see a little bit through the bad eye, can walk faster than before, get dressed, and shower without assistance. MD Anderson has made a miracle with my husband’s case. The radiation has completely turned things around. He will get a 2-3 week break before redoing the scans and imaging. I am sure that after the doctors get the imaging they will reevaluate and see what steps we will take on.

Keep us in your prayers. xoxo, Karry

..

October 8th 2019

Starting Oct. 15 the husband is going to go back to the hospital to do imaging and test to see how the cancer situation is.

In that time, I have noticed that we keep ending each month in the negative (financial wise). I am trying all kinds of things to have as side hustles to maintain us afloat, but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards yet. I am definitely falling into some dark time, but what can I do? This shit is out of my control, but I can always do my best with what I got.

In a more personal note, my relationship with my husband has not been well for a couple of years now. We do enjoy each other’s company, but that is it. I have voiced to him my concerns and what my needs were in the relationship over the years, he would agree and change for a brief amount of time and then return to being content. I let this continue for weeks, months, and years. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but we were no longer on the same page. Love, passion, and chemistry all abandoned our home. Like any other human being, I thought it was all my fault because I am the only person I can control. The summer of 2018 I started working out, eating healthier, and trying to grow and become a better person for us. I took on a second job and side hustles so that we can have more disposable income for us to enjoy life. When his health started to decline that fall/winter it was a very difficult and traumatizing time for us both. Seeing him multiple times at the brink of death from then to now has made me mourn my husband one too many times. I have done everything in my power to take care of him and make him happy, as I would expect him to do for me if I was in his shoes. But after years of constant disappointments, constant emotional and physical drain, of trying to rebuild this relationship on my own; I have thrown in the towel. He is and always will be in my heart. He is and always will be my best friend. He is and always will be my family.

People will judge me, but they haven’t walked a mile in my shoes. People will call me selfish, but they haven’t experienced what I have been through. If I don’t take care of myself, who will? It’s okay to do nothing. It’s okay to speak up. It’s okay to let go. I have been hiding this for too long. I have been pretending to be okay for too long… After I finished my therapy with AbleTo, I have been on a path of living my truth. The people that know me very well know that they can tell my mood or feeling just by looking at my face. Life is too short to live a lie, to live unhappy, to not be heard. I will continue to live my truth, I am proud of my battle scars and my self; nothing and no one will change that.

xoxo Karry

#persuit #of #hapinnes #broken #hurt #mental #health #help #life #cancer #lymphoma #caregiver #girl #problems #damaged #heart #love #relationship