#but she lives all far away now

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

[sassmill]

“If a lot of men get killed at one go, does it make the killing of one man less of a crime? I don’t know, Andy, I don’t know. I’m only twenty and they say today the world is ours, but Pa was twenty once and felt the world was his, and long, long ago Mad was twenty too, laughing at applauding audiences, smiling from picture postcards, and when I am as old as she is nothing will have changed…”

Daphne du Maurier, Rule Britannia (1972)

#think about the context of this woman writing this right #she was born in 1907 #so by the time she was 20 she had lived through one world war with the next right on the horizon #as well as at this point witnessing the effects of so many other 20th century conflicts #she’s 65 at this point and this is what she sees ahead for future generations #which I’ve no doubt others saw coming as well but just like everyone for USUK in the book is acting #I’m sure plenty read this and thought but that could never happen not now not here not to us #but look where we are today #look at the genocide being enacted in Palestine #I want people to read this book in 2024 and think hard about it #because the events of the book are happening to white people in England right #I’m not at all trying to say she described anything on the level of the real world atrocities currently happening #but the slowly building anxiety of ‘but what could really happen they won’t do that’ #then overnight all these new restrictions and retaliation #phones cut power cut water cut travel ban #just because it’s happening to people far away from your life #doesn’t mean it could never happen #you wouldn’t see it coming or think it was all that bad until suddenly it was too late #obviously I am reaching to apply this book to today but I think it could make certain people reexamine their mindset #daphne du maurier #rule britannia #quote #this book is making me think so much about imperialism and occupation and military states and civilian cruelty #through such an interesting lens considering what I know of Daphne du mauriers life up to the point she wrote this #this was her last novel #and it’s so different from her other novels #like this to me is her equivalent of a Connecticut Yankee in king Arthur’s court #except it’s just the ending where everything becomes terrible so fast

[derpinette]

i miss going to school because i always knew everybody's business but nobody knew mine due to being a huge loser. & it ruled

#now i am still a loser ( well actually this cool bubbly normie girl likes to pull me along with her but it makes me feel bad ) #( also i hate going outside & barely do now because i am having an androphobia flare RN which is to say agoraphobia like i vomit... gay AF #but anyway i also went to small private schools with declining enrollment numbers all my life Well only two one for 13 years #& then i switched to a cheaper one on my senior year. i would lurk & people would be like No worries you can say it it's only nyumie here #or they would tell me directly when nobody would want to talk to them due to drama & then leave & forget me as soon as they could #nobody would ever ask about my business it was so effingg awesome. altho there were rumors i was gay ( completely true ) #the fact that both schools were small made it so that it was easier to know what was happening in most grades #but now IDK ANYTHING EVER even if i were to eavesdrop my faculty is just way too big & i barely even attend anyway +i hate that dump ETC ET #this is so detrimental to my QOL & need to Observe &Lurk my life is so EMPTY & boring i want to know somebody's petty drama #& i KNOW it happens you just have to be in a circle & attend everyday which I CBAAAA. when people pull me aside to hang out i know then #but i want NO INVOLVEMENT !!!! i just want to be in the background leave me alone i already have a girl i can relate & be loyal to #& she dropped out i never thought i actually would but here we are. i just want to acquire information from a distance on a regular basis-_ #the reason why i never hated going to school despite bullying up until like my last year is because well i grew up in my original school #so i was familiar with everyone & everyday there would be something new & funny to discuss with my bestie who lives far away now -_- #i meanwe only really saw eachother at school anyway Man i wish i could GO BACK but not really vut yes but no...

[nebulouscoffee]

Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this

#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to) #I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky #I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine #and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve #and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn #I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky #(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things) #(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe) #anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D #I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one #even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends #how do Trills even exist #how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now #and still function #how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her #does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically? #does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now? #does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day? #does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more? #idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually... #(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao) #cw death

[bluejaybytes]

The worst part about having let myself post about my own OCs is that they're on my mind constantly and everythings already outdated. I'm like if Sisyphus was a lesbian

#my fucking OCs.... parker has new motivations and also friends and also an ex now #also all of her friends are ex-friends bc she sucks. so bad <3 #Instead of dealing with her issues normally she decides running away from them and living in a hole forever sounds better #and well. it wouldve worked out for her if she didnt get murdered. sorry girl </3 but hey now its the corpse of her ex-gf that murders her! #not bc of their history or anything its just a coincidence that it happens to be the zombie corpse of her ex that finds and kills her #these are all. sploon. ocs. in case anyone didnt know but read this far. the squits (theyre all octopi)

[kummatty]

im sad and friendlesss . im feeling the weight of not having a good friend in my program or in the area like where do I turn to laugh and hang out and vent and be known and rest my head in someone's lap

#one problem is; the people in my program are boring as hell and most of them r white #like no thank u #im tired of them in class too #theres two people who im somewhat friends w now but yk its not that deep plus we all live far away #and the worst of it all is that i cant even make a trip somewhere to see my friends bc i need every day just to get my work done.... #frustrating #ofc i have my sister and it makes a huge difference but shes so much younger #that i cant lean on her in the same way i would a friend

[frecklystars]

oh my god i love being triggered at 3:29am on a monday ten minutes after jolting awake from a horrific nightmare

#ive been either not sleeping at all. or sleeping for only 2 hours a night #for several nights in a row and i can feel it making my body deteriorate #my chest hurts. my eyes burn. im always lightheaded. i really hate living like this #im never going to recover man it just doesnt stop. this never ends #its been over a year i thought this would be so far away from me but it just gets fucking worse #i remember sitting on my bathroom floor and crying when my ptsd was starting #and i was telling myself. one year from now this isnt going to hurt as bad #i was so fucking wrong. it got worse. i cant look at *anything* TF related #i cant look at TF artists i cant even look at the word half the time #i wish it didnt exist i wish i never ever got into it. none of this was worth it #if i never got into it i never would have met my abuser and she wouldnt have used me for such a long ass time #vent #delete later

[panzershrike-pretz]

Guess the fuck who started their morning with a panic attack

#i call it a level 8 based on my experience #could've been worse #my dog was in pain so I panicked about tgat #she's at the vet now and i know its in good hands but i'm still anxious #she's my whole reason to live so I just hope she gets better #i'm lonely now :( #but i'm doing better too just crying a bit but I guess that's understandable #they think she had a back injury and now I'm just standing here thinking of a whole plan to get ramps on every single furniture #anyway one hell of a way to start your thursday #🥨🪶 #out the window with my plans of making the school homework today #i don't care about them at all when she's far away and i'm worried as all hell #grades be fucked I can re-do a semester but not re-do my time with her #oh well thought I'd tell yall so I don't go crazy all on my own here

[sunofmoon]

.

#here's a little rant that no one asked for #me and my dad never had a very solid relationship #the fact that he lives far away and only calls me on sunday night says a lot about it #and well there's also the fact that his wife hates me #she already committed all kinds of psychological violence with me and i was just a child #there was that episode where she tried to blind me and people in my family pretend it didn't happen #despite all this he never defended me #when i needed him the most he was never there for me #in fact he was never present at any significant moment in my life #but when he decided to separate the only person he dumped his problems on was me #i was always there to give him support and advice even though i knew he didn't deserve it #now he decided to try to save his marriage and return to the woman who hates me #and just forgot me again and discarded me #bc he never called me again to see if I was okay #besides ignoring my message #idk why i even care #i should have realized a long time ago that i'm not a priority in my father's life

[applexi]

i don't have the balls to talk abt this in my other blog but holy fuck am i emotional over hollow looking back at ghost at that flashback i rewatched it just now and i feel awful for what would soon happen to hollow RAAAGGGH

#in the end.this whole vessel idea is a bad idea!!! even the pale king knew this was going to fail anyways!! #every vessel had a mind to think. they all did. hollow looked back at ghost for a brief moment before walking away #the way hollow looked at pale king feeling like a proud child to please their dad #ghost can have the option to be nice to others and that immediately derails the statement that they all have no mind to think #this is all so flawed man........ and hollow is just the same as the rest. all failed experiments aND THEY STILL JUST KEPT REPRODUCING MORE #i honestly feel bad for white lady. she loves to produce more vessels - its in her “blood” to do so but #if its at the cost of witnessing many of her offspring be ditched to the abyss with no love... then it's pointless #and so she coiled herself away in shame and never interacted with pale king ever again.... they live so far away #and now white lady has no idea what's happening outside #sorry im. #yeah

[queenhawke]

guess who got [dabs] rejected by that film producer i tentatively had a date lined up with

#rip me #she felt we live too far away from each other #which is fair we kinda do lmao #BUT SHE SOUNDED SO COOL #so now im sad #ah well #on we go and all that

[pagesofkenna]

not Midnight Mass Erin and Riley talking about their different visions of death and the afterlife, seemingly not realizing that they were using very different words to describe exactly the same thing, and making me openly cry at my desk while doing so

#death is where you are not alone and the bad thing never happened #i committed to only watching two episodes today but i kinda wanna just binge it all #this show. the writing is SO GOOD #having Riley explain what he believes death will be like - the firing and neurons and the microbiome continuing to feast on your meat - #in such BEAUTIFUL and poetic language! with such reverence! and hope! #one of the few (only?) times I've seen someone describe the oblivion of a 'godless' death with such beauty and hope #(without being suicidal - the fact that they could easily have written riley as suicidal but that option was literally never on the table) #vs the childlike simplicity of Erin's description of an unborn baby returning to heaven to be loved #the thing she didnt say but was clearly between the lines - that the baby came to save her and thats all it did. then it returned home #and the fact that both of their visions were so... simplistic. idealized #riley's death wouldn't restore the world to the state it was before he lived. his atoms don't go to join the stars #and he knows that but it's poetry. it's the idealization. that's the same as what imagining erin's unborn baby beloved by all is #death is all your wildest dreams coming true but somewhere far away where you cant touch it now #midnight mass

[neinnerr]

tfw your sister tells you she bought something from the boycott list and you tell her, "hey, those dudes are supporting israel" and it escalates to the point where they tell you they don't like parts of your personality that you thought was fine to show to them because they're the closest person to you in your life and now i don't know how i should interact with her at all

#like she told me i feel morally superior for telling her about how i feel so bad about Palestine being bombed to the point where i cried to #her about it after seeing a particularly horrible picture of people being killed #so now i guess i won't bring it up at all #i know we're really “far away” from the conflict and that she's a working adult living in a country that's really not supporting israel #but idk i thought that i could get her to care about it #but apparently i made her feel judged #which wasn't my intention #but maybe it did come across that way??? #I don't know i just genuinely feel so bad right now #like now it turns out that my whole personality sucks and that the only person that i thought liked me the way i am doesn't

[hannibalismos-jaaneman]

will wasn't crying for himself in ko no mono, he was crying for hannibal.

#raj shitposting #they both brush past it but there is an instance in the conversation where will asks hannibal why he killed her... #and hannibal answers as if he was avoiding talking about mischa. which implies that he thought will was talking about her in the first plac #now here's the thing.. this is what makes will emotional not the child he is about to have. it's almost as if he doesn't care. #when he says he'd be a good father it's almost implied that he wouldn't be. and that is true. because he's a good killer. #good killers are bad fathers because they kill their child's childhood. their innoncence. their childishness. #they are clean and merciless with it. they don't take long. and they don't leave a trace. a good killer would never let the child even know #same way gjh did. abigail never realised that he took it all away until will killed him. she only lived with a growing sense of fear inside #hannibal wasn't a good father either he might have not birthed her but he did raise mischa. and he couldn't protect her. he was a child too #this thing is repeated over and over. will wasn't a good father to abigail because he couldn't protect her. at least not for long. #he wasn't a good father to walter either. he couldn't protect his own child for god's sake! will's decidedly a terrible father. #and it's all because of something so primal and deep seated within him that it comes out to play whenever he's trying to be better. #will said he felt as if he was abigail's father because he killed her father. not because he genuinely felt that belongingness. #hannibal's never wanted him to have anything that's not him in his life because he knows he'll never belong to anyone else. #hannibal severes his connections with other people not because he wants to hurt will but because he wants to save him for himself. #he's the same sort of father gjh was. the exact same variety of possessiveness that he strives to hide in the veil of a well wisher. #and will cried for him because he understood that hannibal wanted to be a good father far more desperately than himself because of mischa. #but he was a good killer. that was his nature and he couldn't escape it. #will's eyes basically said oh you poor man. you should've never hoped. you're not what you want to be. you're so much better. #he killed abigail because he's just a killer. that's what he does. he repents it but he does it out of his desperation for will's love. #right... now mizumono hurts even more than it's supposed to. #hannigram #hannibal #abigail hobbs

[chennnington]

Grandma has a lung infection and she most likely won’t make it. She suffers from severe dementia, she stopped recognizing even her sons several years ago so I said my goodbyes a long time ago already and tbh I’m not sure how enjoyable her life has been over the past years, but this still hurts.

#grandpa died in 2020 and he was mentally fit until the end so I could at least call him and talk to him #and I knew it was the last time I’d talk to him so I had closure #but I don’t even really know when I last saw grandma. it was way before covid at some family Christmas #she already had dementia back then but she was still able to live at home and hold conversations with a bit of help #and I live pretty far away and visiting her wouldn’t have helped anyone #she would’ve been confused about the stranger and felt awkward cause she’s rather shy and introverted #and I’m the same so it would’ve just been a bad experience for both sides #but I still have so much stuff from her #as a kid/teen I always got decoration items and pajamas and bed linen and towels and stuff like that as presents #as a kid that was a bit lame but now I value those things so much #I have so many wonderful memories of my grandparents and I want to remember grandma the way she was before dementia #tbh I kinda wish my uncle wouldn’t have sent me some of the recent pics of her #she stopped looking like the grandma I knew #I probably sound really shitty and egoistic with all these tags right? #but it’s just that I know I can’t do anything for her. and no gesture would even reach her. so why hurt myself? #if I knew she still knows who I am it would’ve been different of course #I wanted to visit grandpa before he died but it was April 2020 ao I wasn’t even allowed at the funeral #the doctors said she’s not in pain and they’ll make sure it stays that way #why am I even writing all this? #I guess this is when you’re supposed to have someone to comfort you but I don’t have that so I scream I to the void haha #but I’m fine. she’s 95 years old and had a good life

[apollo-zero-one]

I wish capitalism was a tangible object I could bite and claw at I start foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog when I think about it gwrrwhrwgwwrgwr

#my mom shouldn't have to have a job she is busy all goddamn day every goddamn day taking care of her mom and her 6 year old child #and she takes care of me and my brother and her husband this woman is exhausted #and she makes us breakfast and dinner every day and she watches all the neighborhood kids and and and #she is already fulfilling an extremely valuable roll in society!! why the FUCK should she have to have a job too!! #not even going to say 'outside the home' because her job IS OUTSIDE THE HOME she contributes to this whole damn community #It's BULLSHIT it's UNFAIR she deserves justice #and it's also bullshit and unfair that a household with three workinh adults cant afford a 4 bedroom family home. #We collectively make enoigj money that we lost our fucking health insurance and are being kicked out of our subsidized housing #But there are no homes anywhere near any of our jobs that we can afford so WHAT THE FUCK #and every part of it is capitalism and I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it #Is the purpose of life not to find and be with wnd care for loved ones?? are humans not born to love and be loved and help one another?? #what went wrong? why did we let it get this far? why are we taking a mother away from her 6 year old daughter so she can afford #both of their medicines that they need to live healthy lives??? #A caretaker away from a disabled elderly woman? A safe person to leave your children with away from the village? Why the goddamn divide?? #sorry there was ten minutes begween that tag and this one because I had to cry I am calmer now #still heavily anti-capitalist tho