#and I’m the same so it would’ve just been a bad experience for both sides

[stuckinthesun]

×Tic-Tac-Toe× — Part Two

Part One

Black suit mod!Leon x Fem!Reader

Warnings: nsfw mdni, drunk sex, p in v, semi-public sex, pet names, riding, spanking, fingering, handjob, unprotected sex (please wrap it jfc)

wc: 2.8k

Ashley got dragged away from you again by another group of people just dying to know about her experience. You honestly felt bad for your friend and you would’ve stayed with her, but with how much you’ve drank you couldn’t trust your mouth right now.

So instead you decided to get some air.

The cool night air hit your face the moment you stepped out of the banquet hall, instantly making your head feel clearer.

Well, almost clear.

It seemed no matter how many glasses of champagne you drank, you couldn’t get Leon out of your head. How good he looked in that dark suit, the sound of his laugh, the feeling of his fingers trailing up your thigh.

God, you’re blushing just thinking about it!

Subconsciously you look down at your leg, at the unfinished game of tic-tac-toe still marking your skin. The one X he left on you stands out against all your markings, and you brush your fingers over it.

“Hey, there you are.” A deep voice startled you, making you jump and turn around.

Leon stood there with an easy smile and a half-empty glass of champagne. He looked the same as before, except his tie was loose and his cheeks were tinted pink with alcohol.

So sexy and disheveled, great.

You blink at him for a second as his words sink in, “Were you looking for me?”

The pink on his face deepens, “Well, I wanted to know if you were up for finishing our game of tic-tac-toe. Would hate to leave it unfinished on your leg.”

You look down at your leg again before smiling at him, “Well I hope you brought a pen because I left mine back inside.”

“I have one in my car,” He shrugs, looking out into the parking lot of the hall toward where you assume his car is.

“Mr. Kennedy,” You say dramatically, pretending to be scandalized, “Are you inviting me to your car? Alone? In the middle of a party while we’re both intoxicated?”

Leon lets out a surprised chuckle and you notice the color on his face deepen more, “You’re making it sound like high school.”

That makes you laugh before you shake your head and smile, “Alright well, as long as you don’t plan on driving, then I’d love to join you in your car for some leg tic-tac-toe.”

“I promise I won’t be driving,” Leon smiled back at you before nodding his head in the direction of his car.

“I’m surprised you were able to escape the vultures inside.” You joked as the both of you snuck away toward Leon’s car drunkenly.

The blonde smirked, “I’m damn good at my job, Miss. If I couldn’t escape a bunch of drunk old men, then I wouldn’t have been able to save your friend.”

“I guess you have a point,” You hum, noticing the nice car you’re approaching.

Leon pulls out a set of keys from his dress pants before unlocking the vehicle. Stepping up to the sleek black car, he opens the passenger door for you.

“Thank you,” You blushed slightly before slipping inside, and you made sure your dress was completely in the car before Leon carefully closed the door.

You looked around the interior of the car as Leon jogged around to the driver's side, it was fairly clean. So clean in fact, it made you wonder just how often Leon was away on those scary missions like the one to save your best friend.

The car door slamming shut brings you back to the moment and you look up to see Leon placing his champagne glass in the cup holder, “Oh my god, did you steal that?”

“No? I’ll probably take it back,” He shrugged, opening up the middle console and pulling out a pen, “Besides we know the President, it’ll be fine.”

“This is true,” You nod and shimmy yourself in your seat so you can once again prop your legs up in his lap. The stretch across the console was uncomfortable but you would make it work, “Alright Kennedy, enough chitchat. It’s game time.”

“Oh, suddenly you’re competitive?” Leon raised an eyebrow as he popped the cap off the pen and grabbed your leg.

The awkward angle made it difficult for him to see the game of tic-tac-toe, so you tried to shift yourself again, “I’ve always been competitive, you just didn’t see it before because we were so rudely interrup- huh?!”

You were cut off mid-sentence by Leon, apparently frustrated with the angle of your legs, leaning forward to wrap an arm around your waist, the other around your leg, and pull you to straddle his lap.

“That’s better,” Leon hummed, quickly marking your skin with another X before looking up at you with a smirk, “Your turn.”

You stare at him, completely caught off guard by his actions. He just continues to smirk at you, pushing the pen into your hand as he indicates toward the game of X’s and O’s.

A blush heats your skin as you feel his hands on your thighs, his fingers once again tangling in your tights and making your breath hitch.

“This okay?” Leon asked, voice teasing but you could tell the question was genuine. If you said you were uncomfortable and wanted to get off, you truly believe he would let you without a second thought.

This thought brings you reassurance for some reason and you smirk back at him, “Course, just need to get comfortable.”

Leon doesn’t get to reply before you’re sitting up a little, and pulling the skirt of your dress out from under you. Honestly, it had been uncomfortable, the fabric pulling tightly against your skin since Leon hadn’t bothered to adjust it before moving you. Now the skirt of your dress pools around your waist, and your warm center sits on his lap only covered by your panties and some string.

His grip on your thighs tightens, making his fingers tug at your tights and tearing them ever so slightly. Your smirk just deepens, “That’s better.”

Finally, you take your turn drawing an O right below his, successfully cutting him off. You hand the pen back to him with a triumphant smile.

“Don’t get too excited,” Leon says, quickly drawing an X across from his previous one.

“Why not? I’m obviously going to win.” You quickly take back the pen and make your move.

“Oh you think so, do you?” Leon’s marking your skin again, the drag of the pen almost hurts.

“Yeah, I do!” You cry out as you draw a messy O and look up at Leon who’s already looking at you with something close to wonder.

Then suddenly, he’s kissing you.

Leon’s hands grab the sides of your face and tug you closer, smashing your lips together. You kiss back without a second thought, dropping the pen in your hand to run your fingers through his hair, pulling him into you.

The kiss is desperate, it’s exactly how both of you have felt since the first time you met inside the banquet hall. His tongue runs along your bottom lip and you're quick to give him access, opening your mouth and moaning at the feeling of his tongue against yours.

Leon’s hands slide along your body, feeling every curve of your smooth skin. Your hands slide down his shoulders, pulling his suit jacket with you. Understanding, Leon sits up without breaking the kiss and quickly shrugs out of his coat.

Flinging the article of clothing to the back of the car, Leon leans back into his seat. His hands glide up your back, following along the teeth of the zipper until he finds the handle.

You feel him start to pull on the small piece of metal, exposing your upper back, before he pulls away from the kiss, “Is this okay?”

It’s the same question he asked before, except the teasing tone is replaced by a breathy grunt. Your answer is the same as before too, just instead of answering verbally, you nod frantically as you tug his tie off from around his neck.

You throw the piece of silk into the passenger seat as Leon finishes unzipping your dress, letting it hang loosely off your shoulders as he kisses your neck. A soft sigh passes between your lips and you tilt your head to the side to give him better access.

“Oh fuck,” You moan, rolling your hips down against his and feeling his bulge pressing against your barely concealed center.

“Fuck baby,” Leon groans, his head thumping back against the headrest, “Don’t roll your hips like that till I’m inside you.”

“Then hurry,” You whine, reaching between the two of you to start undoing his belt. The straps of your dress slip from your shoulders as you do so, exposing your bra to Leon.

As you make quick work of pulling the leather strap from the metal buckle, you feel his large hand cup your breast. You whine again and push your chest out so he can get a better feel, and you can’t help but close your eyes when he squeezes.

“God you’re really beautiful,” Leon whispers, leaning forward to press open-mouth kisses against your collarbone as you finally pull his belt free from his dress pants, “I’ve been wanting to do this since I first saw you. When I first brought Ashley back.”

That has you pausing. You open your eyes and lean away from him furrowing your eyebrows, “Really?”

“Yeah.” Leon nodded, looking at you with lust-filled eyes, “I didn’t say anything for obvious reasons.”

“You didn’t even know my name earlier,” You pointed out, frowning even more.

“Like I said before, you never told me your name!”

“Yeah, but why didn’t you ask anyone or I don’t know get your spy people to look it up?”

“First off, I’m not a spy.” Leon said chuckling and you just rolled your eyes, “And second, I wanted you to tell me your name.”

Your eyes widen as your chest fills with a sudden warmth. A line like that shouldn’t be all that romantic, and yet for some reason you’re blushing.

Throwing the belt next to the tie in the passenger seat, you grab the collar of Leon’s shirt and pull him into a kiss. It’s messy and heated, much like the first one, but it doesn’t last as long. You quickly pull back, leaning away from the agent as he tries to chase you for another one, and beg, “Please fuck me.”

Leon stops in his attempt at trying to capture your lips again and smirks, “I will, sweetheart, don’t worry.”

Suddenly your dress is over your head and being thrown into the back of the car. You shiver a little, at both the air on your skin and the feeling of being exposed, before you pull his vest off.

His hands glide along your thighs as he kisses your neck and collarbone, stopping at your ass and squeezing. You moan, unbuttoning his pants and untucking his dress shirt.

You feel his fingers lace in between the wide gaps in your tights, and you barely have a second to realize what he’s going to do before he pulls. A loud ripping sound fills the car as you feel Leon rip the crotch of your fishnets wide open.

“Been thinking about doing that all night.” Leon hums, pushing your panties to the side through the gap he made, exposing your dripping pussy.

You gasp, rolling your hips to push back against his hand and you feel him slip his middle finger inside of you, making you cry out, “Already so wet and I hadn’t even touched you yet.”

“Please Leon,” You beg, rocking back against the digit inside of you.

“Need to get out of these pants first.” Leon mumbles, bucking his hips up as if to remind you that his cock is still tucked inside his pants.

You nod, leaning your forehead against his as you look down and begin unbuttoning his slacks. His finger inside of you begins to thrust, curling up just right and rubbing against your G-spot. You let out a long moan, your fingers stuttering against his zipper, causing Leon to hiss and thrust up.

“Come on honey, pull me out so I can get inside this pussy.” Leon says, pushing another finger inside of you and making you see stars.

Quickly you pull Leon’s cock from his dress pants, him lifting his hips slightly so you can pull both the slacks and his underwear down his thighs a little. Once he was finally free from the restraints of his pants, you spit in your palm before wrapping it around his shaft and pumping.

Leon let out a surprised groan, his grip on your ass tightening and his fingers inside of you suddenly reaching deeper, “S-shit baby. Won’t last long if you keep doing that.”

“Then fucking fuck me,” You huff breathlessly, impatient and so turned on.

A loud smack sound rings out, followed by a burning pain on your right asscheek that makes you cry out in a mix of pain and pleasure.

Leon spanked you. Leon just fucking spanked you and you moaned.

Leon looks at you with amusement, “You’re the one who wrapped your hand around my dick instead of your cunt.”

“I can’t exactly get your dick inside me with your fingers in the way,” You glare at him, squeezing the base of his cock just to see his face pinch in pleasure.

“Fine,” Leon grits, removing his fingers from inside you and pulling your hips to align better with his. Your hand fell away from his cock and you quickly gripped the back of the seat as Leon pushed himself inside of you without warning.

Both of you cried out, you louder than him, as he bottomed out, seating himself fully inside of you. Neither of you moved, you trying to adjust to the size of him, and him trying not to cum instantly at the feeling of your warm, wet cunt wrapped so tightly around him.

“There, that better?” Leon asked after a moment of silence and all you could do was nod. You felt his hands on your thighs again, rubbing up and down, every once in a while pulling at the fishnets and letting them snap back against your skin, “Yeah? Then why don’t you try moving those hips for me like you did earlier.”

Slowly you begin to roll your hips around his cock buried inside of you. Leon’s hands instantly stop to rest on the juncture between your hips and thighs, fingers squeezing into the meat of your skin and encouraging your movements, “Fuck there you go, good girl.”

The stimulation and the praise make you moan and ride him faster, your hands move to grip his shoulders as you begin bouncing a little. Leon curses and thrusts up into you, somehow reaching deeper and pushing against your cervix.

“Holy shit,” You moan when Leon pushes a hand between you and begins rubbing your clit, his other hand cupping the back of your head as he presses kisses to your jaw, “Leon, I’m gonna- fuck I’m gonna cum!”

“Cum baby, cum on my cock. Show me how good I make you feel.” Leon groans against your skin, his fingers moving faster against your clit and his hips thrusting up harder.

With a shout of the agent's name, you came, hard, your body tightening up and shaking from the amount of pleasure you felt. Leon fucked you through it, trying not to cum until he could pull out, but the feeling of your walls clamping around him was too much and he was tipping over the edge right with you.

You felt Leon’s hot cum spill inside of you, filling you up and causing another wave of pleasure to shoot through your body. His arms tightened around you, pulling you closer and the two of you sat there together as you came down from your highs.

After a moment you pull away from the embrace and look at the man beneath you. Leon’s blue eyes were hazy as he stared at you and puckered his lips, asking for a kiss. You giggled and gave him one, hand sliding up his neck and cupping his cheeks.

“I have a hotel not too far from here if you want to get cleaned up,” Leon mumbled into the kiss.

You smirked, “You have an entire hotel? What exactly do they pay you?”

“I have a hotel room, smart ass.” Leon huffed, rolling his eyes and pulling away from you.

A chuckle escapes you, “Yeah I’ll go to your hotel room with you, on one condition.”

“Oh?” Leon raises an eyebrow, his hands resting on your thighs, “And what’s that?”

“We actually finish this game of tic-tac-toe.”

Taglist : @cassiecasluciluce @ymrai @admirxation @chessysourcandy @cinnamonminni @uriynne @rottenrosethorns

I did it guys I finally finished it!!! Hope it was worth the wait😭

#leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #leon kennedy x reader #leon re4 #leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy fanfic #resident evil x reader #leon kennedy smut #resident evil #resident evil fanfiction #leon resident evil #leon resident evil 4 mods #leon kennedy x y/n

[kadextra]

Bad and Foolish are actually two sides of the same coin

it’s how foolish deals with bad’s pranks like it’s any other regular day, this is just the way they are, how they have been for years. it doesn’t matter if others don’t understand. like how foolish knew bad didn’t do anything to mr. mustard, just jumped on the bit of acting sus to mess with him

it’s how during the Slap competition they were on the exact same train of thought as the other - even with a huge block in communication (bad couldn’t hear foolish) bad still knew exactly what foolish was thinking. watching both POVs simultaneously was crazy bc some parts felt like actual conversation

They accurately psychoanalyzed each other many times too:

“I know foolish wouldn’t be happy winning this way.”

“I know bad is getting tired, he’s trying to distract himself.”

Not to mention how with zero communication, they mutually agreed on the rules for their game. And how the two are so very aware of how stubborn the other is, the battle legitimately would’ve kept going for hours if not for outside interference. Their combined power was too overwhelming and forced the server to be shut down to stop them.

all of this just shows how strong landduo’s friendship is, they are best friends. born from the old days when they’d spend hundreds of hours with idle chats and silly pranks in the desert, or sometimes becoming rocks- these two know each other’s quirks and behavior so well and their dynamic is fascinating

As a day 1 landduo enjoyer I’m so thankful they were invited to the qsmp together and others now get to experience their craziness <3

#qsmp #qsmp badboyhalo #qsmp foolish #landduo #these characters are sooo two immortals who hate and despise each other #but they have stuck together for centuries. because they truly love and care for each other #thinks about ‘are you yourself’ and ‘what about you bad’

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood: a critically kind review from a femme acespec physicist <3

> scroll to the next section for my review on the physics academia content in this book!

First, a quick romance novel review!

spoiler: it wasn’t my favorite but I gave it a ⭐️⭐️⭐️.75 because being a writer has made me a generally more appreciative reader + I am so starved of woman in physics rep.

the good

It just felt good to read about a woman physicist, who are still incredibly underrepresented in fiction, especially as protagonists. (I’ll go off about that in a minute.)

The romance is so swoony with shoujo manga vibes, I haven’t read straight M/F adult romance novels in a while and I just loved the flutteriness of it.

A couple of chapters were so soft with excellent pillowtalk. There was something about the ambience of the snow, the hypnotic sadness of failure, the prescence of a comforting person.

I enjoyed identifying the relatable parts about physics academia. Hazelwood clearly did a lot of research, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It definitely kept me reading!

the bad

The academia issues are so over-simplified it’s almost juvenile. For an adult novel, even one marketed as a romcom, I expect more nuance, more explanations, more explicit lingering in tight positions.

And then the romance tries to be complex (and has a lot of potential!) but not a lot of conflict really happens.

A fictional physics fued between theorists and experimentalists is a really fun (and actually not far off) concept, but I would have expected some things to be the other way around. (More on that later!)

Okay this is personal but the main couple both have terrible taste in movies. Twilight vs white male rage movies??? There is no lesser evil here

Elsie’s hardships aren’t put in a very serious light. Her diabetes and lack of access to health insurance is used as a plot device to engineer romantic momentum between the characters and/or comic relief.

Just overall, the book tried so hard to remain “light” that I think it fails to garner depth. Because adult lives really aren’t that light all the time, and a book can bring relaxation and joy whilst including real worldly negative experiences.

There were aroace and sapphic side characters, but I wanted so bad for Elsie to be demisexual. It's set up so perfectly only for it to be averted—As a demisexual person myself, Elsie’s feelings about attraction felt acutely familiar to me, and every other reader I've spoken to has agreed that the book took a dissapointing and unexpected turn. I understand Hazelwood may not feel equipped to write queer protagonists but if I were her editor, I would have flagged that and recommended she make it canon. It would have added so much more context and dimension to Elsie, and would’ve put hetero demisexuals on the map. </3

Following up on the above: The smut tries so hard to be meaningful but it ... really is icky, stereotypical, unrealistic allocishetero stuff. Think: the shy inexperienced girl vs the man who knows exactly how to advise her. The characters try to subvert the trope by calling it out, but it feels performative because all is forgotten in the next second. The PiV sex is weirdly conventionally idealistic considering the pairing’s size difference. I’m picky about smut but also forgiving when I do like the dynamic. I just didn’t here.

Following up once again: I was ready to ignore all the repetitive comments about how sexy Jack’s height and muscles were, because sure, I guess Elsie has a type. But the sex scenes solidified the redundancy of it all. I've read this same dynamic in countless smutty heteronormative M/F paperbacks. And I have also been made aware by every Hazelwood reader that all her books focus on this kind of physical build pairing. I just want more diversity, you know?

IDK, I just wanted more physics in here than complaining about teaching, glossed over toxic mentors, and using some quirky physics term in every other sentence. (More on that below!)

I just wanted ... more? It’s not an extremely short novel, but both the plot and the character development fell flat. The ups and downs were too fast and easy, and the placement felt off. I finished the book and wondered, “That’s it? That’s all that happened?” It just wasn’t fulfilling. The side characters aren't expanded upon, and don’t get enough pagetime. My other romance reads this year were Bellefleur's The Fiancee Farce and Mcquiston’s One Last Stop. In both of those novels, the drama was fleshed out with so much care and detail. In comparison, Love, Theoretically may mention similar social difficulties in passing, but failed to really, really show us.

Overall ... the novel was fun for being about physicists but I really don’t see myself picking up another Hazelwood book, especially considering this isn’t even a debut novel. The conventional white steminist vibe and the particular allocishetero M/F dynamic just isn’t my thing.

But perhaps a reader wanting more of a novel and its characters is a good problem to have. Never say never, I guess! I look forward to keeping tabs on what Hazelwood publishes in the future!

Now, onto the physics!

First, most physicists, as good scientists, understand that theory and experimentation are fundamentally linked. It’s true that we each are often biased towards our own methods of research, but it is quite a stretch to imagine full professors so blatantly feud against others solely because of theory vs experimentation. Regardless, I was happy to suspend my disbelief for the sake of the plot that was framed in a genre-specific, lighthearted, humorous way.

Secondly, both theory and experimentation have sources of funding that are motivated in different ways, and Hazelwood's decision to have the theorists struggle with funding cuts due to declining interest in pop culture/the general public is actually quite credible. Experimentation garners a lot more interest from the application and engineering end of society, parts that are easily fueled by capitalism.

However, I think experimentalists in general are far less likely to be mean to theorists than the reverse scenario. Dr Fatima Abdurrahman has a great video essay about that called on her YouTube channel called “Quantum Physics, Feminism, and Objective Reality: What Physicists Don’t Want You to Know About Quantum Mechanics.” Dr Fatima outlines how old white men in physics have maintained this image of unwavering scientific objectivity in the name of rigor, despite studying a field that fundamentally is barely fathomable for humans. In simpler terms: Men, even in theory, pretend to be better, smarter, and more valid as physicists despite being in an infamously iffy field. And I would have liked to see that represented. It was just really hard for me to buy narcissistic grad students mansplaining Elsie about her field, and Elsie’s righteous feminine rage, when the field in question is … physics theory? It just didn’t make sense to me, when all of my personal experiences point to the opposite.

But every cloud has a silver lining, and having a woman theorist in a physics field that’s less popsci-oriented is actually … really cool. And having her love interest be a man in experimentation … sort of subverts gender roles and conventional media expectations.

Let me explain. The reality is that when women are represented in STEM, media prefers to put them in biology, like a nurse to a doctor, a people-oriented nurturer, a mere sidekick to the real “objective” scientist—often a mathematician or an astrophysicist who is always a man. And when women are placed in physics, they are automatically assigned to observational astronomy, which is dismissed as passive and easy. (This is wildly untrue—though styles of research in astronomy has interestingly allowed a somewhat more diverse array of researchers in history. Even today, you’ll see a higher frequency of women and queer people in every astronomy department.)

I think my ideal version of this novel would be retaining Elsie in theory, while also making theorists the overall bad guys in the feud. I would love to have her talk about the unique sexism she faces as a theorist. I would kill for a scene in which Jack gets gobsmacked by how fucking good at math she really is, compared to him (instead of, like, only making fun of it like it’s easy). I would love to read about her getting a tour of his lab, and just more physics content. But maybe I’m the only one saying that, because I’m a physicist. Maybe Hazelwood simplified it all to keep the book appealing to the general masses.

Still, it all read more like a girlpower!!! chant rather than a real commitment to represent a woman in STEM. I savored every moment Elsie or George would go off about physics. I loved Elsie’s conversations with Olive, a different STEM academic. (Monica was more complicated and actually quite interesting, and I wish we could have seen more of her. Heck, I wish we had actually been given any tangible info about Jack’s mom, even.) But I genuinely felt these instances were rare. Elsie referred to being a physicist a lot (and frankly, her mind is more physics-y than any IRL physicist considering the sheer number of physics-inspired figures of speech she uses … but I excused that as silly comic relief, a quirk in Hazelwood’s writing style). But she didn’t tangibly do physics on page. It was disappointing, considering women characters in STEM is what Hazelwood is known for.

And there are physicists who love teaching—even physicists who solely want to teach. Physicists who do pedagogy research. I know the book was mainly trying to criticise the adjunctification and dismissal of physics higher education, and it’s actually quite accurate in representing that most physicists in academia would prefer not to teach. But the excecution also ends up erasing physicists who aren’t in academia just for research. And I say this especially because the validity of teaching physicists as physicists is dismissed in real life. It’s used as justification to further force all physics academics to try to juggle between both research and teaching, whether they want to or not.

Which leads us to bad mentors. I’ve had a bunch of those. As Olive pointed out in an excellent quote, “Academia is so hierarchical, you know? There are all these people who have power over you, who are supposed to guide you and help you become the best possible scientist, but . . . sometimes they don’t know what’s best. Sometimes they don’t care. Sometimes they have their own agenda. […] Sometimes they’re total shitbuckets who deserve to step on a pitchfork and die.” And the thing is, the novel really doesn’t show us any of that (perhaps other than in Monica). We don’t fully get to know what happened to Jack’s mom, or Olive. We are not shown what Dr L’s agenda really was. Their final confrontation was so quick, when in reality shitty mentors are often sticky and entwined with your work, hard to cut off and scarier to talk back to even after you’ve finally realized they’re toxic.

Which isn’t to say the novel is just inadequate about everything. It’s correct in how goofy physics faculty are, and how white man-dominated the field is, how students try to mansplain women profs, how theorists madly work on their computers (as an experimentalist, I could never understand), how publishing is finicky (to put it kindly), and how tenured faculty fail to understand the reality of the job market in academia today. There are certain parts (like the quote above!) where I felt incredibly seen as part of a minoritized identity group in STEM academia. It’s rare to have a book written from this PoV, and as a first I think this novel will always be special for me!

If you’re interested in reading about more fictional women physicists, I would highly recommend skimming through this list I made on GoodReads (and feel free to add more!).

And if you’d like to support memoirs and science communication books by IRL women physicists, then look to further than this other list I’ve also made. (We’re actually currently seeing a boom in these which is inanely exciting to me, so again, contributions are always welcome!)

#love theoretically #ali hazelwood #romcom books #physics #the love hypothesis #love on the brain #romance novels #romcom #romcom novels #adult romance #queer #asexual #demisexual #book review #bookblr #feminist #steminist #stem #women in stem #lgbtq+ #queer in stem #astronomy #tiktok books #booktok #acespec #aromantic #aromantic asexual #aromantism #aroace #asexuality

[just-antithings]

Not really an anti thing per se, but something I feel the need to vent about:

One of the reasons I feel so conflicted on the Harry Potter thing is not only my concerns about continuing to give Rowling a platform, but also just, unpopular opinion, I… kinda think the fandom can be almost as performative as the haters?

I KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS BUT HEAR ME OUT!

First off: they’re always going on about how "oh, we’re making ALL the hp characters trans to piss off the TERF!" and then you look at the fics and art and stuff and it’s like, at least 80-90% is just the same cookie cutter "Draco and Harry are gay trans men who make out 24/7 and there's some trans gay WolfStar in the background too, I guess, and also maybe black trans Hermione can have a cameo at some point as a treat, but who cares because it’s Drarryin' Time! *proceeds to Drarry all over AO3*" fics.

Like… why is it that after Rowling announced her status as a card-carrying fascist, "all the hp characters" suddenly became just Harry, Draco, Remus, Sirius and maybe Hermione if you're lucky? ESPECIALLY considering the fact that I know from experience that the fandom used to have way more diversity headcanons than this?

What about Ron "angsty because his mom wanted a daughter" Weasley? Or Neville and Hannah, who never had children (clearly, one of them is trans! Or maybe both are trans AND ace! Two groups Rowling hates for the price of one!)? Where are the Trans Dean/Seamus and Trans Lavender/Parvati fics? Trans Luna??? One of Bill and Fleur's kids being the first known male Veela hybrid in the series (literally a fuckin' goldmine of gender possibilities)???? What about fuckin' Nymphadora "gender nonconforming shapeshifter who hates her traditionally feminine name" Tonks (if ANY character would’ve been made trans or enby to spite Rowling, I’d have thought Tonks and her son Teddy would be the FIRST choices)???? EBONY DEMENTIA DARKNESS RAVEN WAY (objectively the BEST Harry Potter character)??!!!????

Part of me suspects that this is at least partly because these characters aren’t "popular" and therefore won't get the same attention as the Drarry "rivals to lovers" vibe and the All The Young Dudes spin-offs, but I can’t be fully sure of that.

And like… a lot of times it looks like their activism just, begins and ends with fandom activity? A lot of the same questions levied at HP haters ("are you supporting and/or donating to pro-trans causes?" "Are you making an effort to understand WHY TERF ideology is bad?" etc., all 100% valid questions) can also be levied against fans who make their headcanons and shipping the main source of their activism.

I’m not saying that NO hp fans are doing actual activism, I’ve seen a few examples, but it feels to me at least like the majority are not. It just seems they think shipping Harry and Draco whilst transing them to pretend it makes the TERF seethe (when really she probably doesn’t even know your fanfic exists) is a substitute for activism, just as HP haters think hating the series and patting themselves on the back for not reading it when they were twelve is a substitute for activism.

I guess the bright side is that at least the Drarry shippers aren’t harassing people? There are testimonies from trans people about hp fans harassing them, but the majority of those fans obviously wouldn’t also be writing trans Drarry fics so ehh?

Idk, like I said I’m conflicted and I need to vent. I’ve been holding this vent in for a while now.

I guess my thesis statement here is: HP fandom, if y'all really want to "diversify Harry Potter to spite the TERF", then please for the love of Glaux ADD MORE CHARACTERS AND IDENTITIES TO YOUR HEADCANON ROSTER.

.

#mod erin #ask #just anti things #posted without comment #caps warning

[astrababyy]

Do you think Rhysand and Feyre have a genuine relationship? I am not trying to demean their relationship, but I do want to understand it. Everyone seems to love their relationship, but it is so lacking to me. For relationships to be genuine, there needs to be something that caused the attraction. It can be a shared experience or a hobby, as along as there is something that caused a spark. For the two of them, there literally is not one. Rhysand helped Feyre because he knew that she was his mate, while Feyre accepted because she wanted to flee Tamlin. Over the next few months, they spent time together but there is hardly any bonding between the two of them. I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

Hi, @thepinkdove ! Once again, I’ve spent months coming up with a reply to your ask, so sorry about that 😅 I agree that their relationship isn’t that good to me. I think the main appeal of it is how Rhys helped her heal during ACOMAF, something of which is completely overshadowed by his contributions to her current trauma.

Feyre and Rhysand, were it not for the mating bond and the whole mind-reading thing, would not know anything about each other

I think @/worldsnotsaid has elaborated on this in the past, but the basis of Feysand’s relationship relies on one thing and that is the fact that they’re both daemati. Were it not for that, I don’t see how their relationship ever would’ve flourished in the first place nor do I see Feyre (and maybe Rhysand) ever opening up to each other. It is commonly known that Feyre’s not good with communication, and instead of solving this it was basically just Rhysand knowing when she needed help because of the mating bond.

That bond is a permanent crutch for the two of them.

Rhysand’s actions UTM were never truly apologized for; just given excuses

Rhysand told his whole story and reasoning for his actions, and he didn’t apologize once. I’ve elaborated on this recently in another post, but Rhysand NEVER truly redeems himself. He’s just off the hook, right off the bat. I think that, above all most (plus the fact that he’s fucking infuriating and never blamed), is why so many people despise this man.

There is a genuinely concerning power imbalance between Rhysand and Feyre

I cannot express this enough when I say that Feyre and Rhysand are not equals. Feyre’s High Lady title is just a title. No one actually listens to her without the backing of Rhysand at her side. If he had died, she’d have never been able to reign in the Night Court on her own. The Inner Circle most likely would’ve ended up taking over for her, and she’d ““““rule”””” quietly from the sidelines.

Feyre doesn’t even have the High Lord magic of the Night Court in the same way Rhysand does. Her powers are really ambiguous and illogical, so maybe her magic from the seven Courts makes her equal to him in power. I’m kinda of sure (?) that’s how it’s implied in the books, but it’s not something I’m positive about.

Feyre’s honestly so bad at communication, like it’s not even funny

This was a major flaw of Feyre’s from the beginning. I, personally, don’t really think she progressed past it, especially since Rhys being able to read her mind and actively using said ability probably enabled her issues.

Their relationship evolved frighteningly fast

As you brought up, Feysand know each other for, like, a year and a half by the time we end in the third book. In ACOSF, they’re already having a kid, and it’s been like three years –– at most. That’s a generous estimate too since I haven’t looked at those timeline visuals in a hot minute.

In the time it takes them to start a family, many couples are just beginning to discuss marriage. Like, I’m not usually one to judge people (lol that’s not true at all what am i saying), but that’s concerning. Feyre is barely an adult by the time she’s married to Rhysand. She’s never even traveled to the Continent by the time she and Rhysand are settling down. Like, it’s a different story for Rhysand. He’s been waiting for a mate for 500 years.

Feyre, on the other hand, is 22. If it weren’t for weird faerie aging cycles, she’d probably be considered a child by most of their standards. In fact, she probably is considered a child by most of them. I mean ffs she’s literally younger than every single person that is remotely part of the IC –– and that’s including the iffy members that I’m not sure about like Emerie and Gwyn.

For that reason alone, their relationship makes my skin crawl. They’re moving so fast that it’s so uncomfortable. Feyre isn’t even 30 years old yet. I hate it so much.

There’s a lot of other problems that go into the complicated nature of their relationship, but these are some of the big ones for me. I could go really in depth on how much of it bothers me, but this post is already kinda long lol.

#anti sjm #anti feysand #anti rhysand #anti feyre #astrababyy

[ilongfor-the-arts]

can i request a billie joe Armstrong smut? maybe where reader is a virgin and she’s over it. she manages to talk her way backstage, where she meets him, and he’s happy to help her out??

I Saw You Staring

Pairing: Billie Joe Armstrong x virgin fem! Reader

Warnings: language, smut, unprotected sex, very VERY mild degradation, loss of virginity, oral (f receiving)

Summary: *in request*

Word Count: 5.4k

“Y/N, why do you have to be so negative? It’ll be an interesting experience at the very least!”

I rolled my eyes.

“Why don't you just go by yourself?”

My friend stumbled over to my side of the bed, where she sat on her knees and gave me a scathing look. We have discussed this subject extensively in the past. No matter how many times I questioned her, her response remained the same.

“Because I don’t want to go by myself! Who knows what’ll happen! I need a friend to go with me!”

I just wanted to enjoy the movie. I had no desire to humor my friend by pretending to consider her offer only to turn it down again.

I was sick of this conversation.

“It’s not my fault your date canceled on you! Don’t drag me into this! Go by yourself or don’t go at all!”

I whipped my head around to focus on the movie, doing my best to drown her out. My friend wouldn't give up, though, so she persisted. She was a woman with a mission.

“Oh come onnnnn Y/N! What on earth do you have against Green Day?”

She clung to my arm. I shook her off, annoyed. I never considered myself to be a pessimist, but if she mentioned the Green Day concert just one more time, I might just be tempted to slap her.

“I don’t have anything against Green Day! I just would rather not spend my Friday night being thrown around in a mosh pit while listening to a band I don’t really care for!”

I wouldn’t be able to count on both my fingers how many times I’ve heard about this concert.

“Oh come on, Y/N!”

She exclaimed, beseeching me to give in.

I didn’t cave.

She leaned in close, and the warmth of her breath made me shiver.

“Maybe you’ll find a cute boy.”

I groaned, shoving her off of me. I didn't cast her a sidelong glance. She was more likely to change the subject of the conversation the less she thought I cared.

I shrugged nonchalantly.

“It’ll happen when it happens.”

I made an effort to change the subject. It would be more interesting to talk about my previous relationships than the idiotic Green Day concert.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you died a virgin.”

When I finally met her cunning gaze, I knit my brow.

“What do you mean by that?”

I inquired. My friend shrugged her shoulders.

“I’m just saying it almost feels like you don’t want to do it.”

I scoffed in disbelief.

“What makes you think that?”

My friend sat cross legged on the bed, staring at the television. She was attempting to act casually, as if to broach the subject of relationships without shocking my naive and impressionable mind.

“You’re a pretty young girl with a nice personality, Y/N. If you were really worried about dying a virgin you would’ve bit the bullet and done it with some moderately nice and moderately attractive guy.”

I ran my tongue along my dry bottom lip.

“Well, it's not that I don’t want to do it, I just want my first time to be a memorable experience.”

My friend laughed loudly, piercing the relaxed atmosphere with her chuckle.

“Alright Y/N, whatever you say... But don’t you think you should be a little more experienced for your future prince charming?”

My friend wasn't entirely off base. It certainly wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a few tricks under my belt.

My eyes watched the film but failed to fully process what was being shown on screen as it dragged on.

My stomach flipped.

I could do it.

Nothing was stopping me.

“I mean…”

I bit my bottom lip.

Jesus, she was going to be absolutely floored by what I was about to say.

I've been rebuffing offers to attend her pointless Green Day concert for the past week.

And here I was about to take her up on it just to get some random guy's attention.

“Do you think there will be hot guys at the concert?”

My friend whipped her head around, her eyes beaming with unadulterated delight.

“Yes! Yes, most definitely! Does that mean you’re going?”

I shrugged.

“I guess so.”

My friend sprung upon me, exclaiming incoherent praise about how proud she was of me.

I wasn’t listening.

I was mentally preparing myself for what was to come.

I spun around in front of the large mirror, assessing my outfit.

Was it enticing enough?

It was just a plain black dress. To be fair, it did hug my body beautifully, highlighting all of my curves.

But would it really pique a guy's interest?

Maybe I needed something flashy, something that would stand out for miles. Something that screamed “give me attention!”

No, then it may have the opposite effect.

Should I not wear panties?

I already decided against wearing a bra, as the dress did enough to keep me covered and secure.

If I was in an intimate situation being completely barren under my dress would certainly be a turn on.

But I decided against the idea. I didn’t want to be worried about accidentally flashing someone while searching for a hot date.

“Y/N! How long does it take you to get your ass dressed!”

My friend screamed up the stairs.

Jesus, I suppose this will do.

“I’m coming!”

I yelled back.

-

The concert was completely sold out. The moment I stepped into the crowded auditorium, I felt claustrophobic.

How was I supposed to stand out among hundreds of other people?

My plan suddenly didn't seem so feasible. I began to lose hope as sweaty bodies pressed against me from all sides, the uncomfortableness draining my good spirits.

My friend noticed my sunken face, and quickly attempted to alleviate my sadness.

“Hey, it’s alright. I’m sure someone in this crowd is staring at you. You look really hot.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Think this dress is enough?”

My friend scoffed loudly as if I was behaving totally irrationally.

“It’s more than enough! You look fucking gorgeous!”

I smiled, my mentality growing slightly more optimistic.

“Thanks a lot. I’m sure I’ll find someone.”

My friend opened her mouth to speak just as the lights began to dim.

“Oh shit! It’s starting!”

She exclaimed, her gaze refocusing on the barren stage. Everything was quiet for a moment before the deafening sound of an electric guitar shook the walls.

The band members began to come out and…

Jesus fucking Christ.

“Hey! Why didn’t you tell me the leader singer was hot as fuck!”

I shouted to my friend over the din of punk rock music. She had a giant smile on her face, her voice giddy with excitement.

“I don’t know! You didn’t ask! I assumed you wouldn’t be interested!”

I didn’t sing nor did I dance the entire night, despite enjoying many of the songs. I was just staring, gawking, completely taken aback by the gorgeous lead singer.

Thank God we were in the front row.

“What’s his name!”

I screamed. We were right next to the speakers, which made it difficult to communicate.

“What?”

“I said what’s his name!”

My friend chuckled loudly.

“His name is Billie Joe Armstrong!”

The way he moved made me so… wet.

Jesus.

Jesus Christ.

How come the one guy I was interested in just so happened to be the most unattainable man in the entire stadium.

He met my gaze.

Shit!

My heart stopped.

He smirked.

He fucking smirked!

“Did he just smirk at you!”

My friend asked. But I didn’t answer. I was deep within my own mind, already imagining the crazy amount of trouble I’d get into later.

-

I ran through the crowds, looking for one man and one man only. I knew this was crazy, completely crazy. But I’d be so angry with myself if I didn’t at least try.

Two burly, bald security guards stood by the door that led backstage.

Fuck.

This was definitely a problem.

I should just give up and go home.

But I wasn’t about to give up so easily.

I swallowed, taking a deep breath to regain my composure.

“You can do this Y/N.”

I whispered to myself.

I put on my best sexy groupie demeanor and sauntered over to the two men. I hope I looked sexy and not like a total idiot.

“Hey you two.”

The two men stared down at me, their muscles bulging menacingly. I sounded surprisingly calm, my voice didn’t quiver as I spoke.

Thank God.

“Billie’s expecting me. Why don’t you guys move aside for me.”

I flashed them a sly smirk.

Their vision was obstructed by black sunglasses, faces expressionless as they stared down at me with pursed lips.

Shit.

This was going to backfire.

The man on the right pulled out his phone and quickly punched in a few numbers.

The phone looked tiny in his large hands.

Jesus, they could kill me with those fists.

“Hey boss. There’s a girl out here who says you’re expecting her.”

There was a beat of silence.

My heart was beating out of my chest.

I was dead.

I was so fucking dead.

“She’s…”

He looked me up and down.

“She’s wearing a black dress, high top converse.”

Another beat of silence.

“Alright, I’ll send her in.”

No way.

No fucking way.

Sighing deeply, the man slid his phone back into his pocket. He fully expected Billie to direct him to take me away.

“Alright little lady, I’ll let you through.”

I gave him a sensual wink as I ran my tongue over my top teeth.

That seems like something a groupie would do, right?

“Thanks.”

I threw open the door, keeping my cool until it closed and completely obscured me from the men's gaze. I breathed a sigh of relief and rested my hand on my chest.

“Jesus Christ that could’ve ended badly.”

My head fell forward, eyes closing to relax my racing heart.

“Hey baby!”

My eyes shot open. At the end of the dark hallway was the man I’d been thirsting over for the past three hours. He was smug, hands stuffed in his pockets. The dim glow of the fluorescent lights hanging from the ceiling made him appear eerie.

“Black dress, high top converse. I figured it was you.”

He confidently strode forward, quickly closing the gap between us.

“So, what can I do you for?”

His eyeliner was smudged, his face was caked in sweat that glimmered in the pale light, and his black hair was extremely disheveled.

He looked badass, like a fucking rockstar.

“Um…”

Jesus I was gonna sound like a fucking idiot.

But, what was the worst that could happen? He’d probably kick me to the curb tonight. Whether it’d be before sex or after sex depended on how comfortable he was with my request.

I crossed my arms over my chest.

“This is probably gonna sound completely crazy.”

Billie shrugged.

“I’ve heard a lot of crazy shit.”

I exhaled.

“I’m a fucking desperate adult virgin.”

I expected him to flinch or summon security to escort me out of the building. But he just stared, his small smile on his lips unaffected by my confession.

“So, what I’m getting at is that you want me to take your virginity.”

His tone seemed slightly sarcastic.

Oh God, he was gonna laugh at me.

“I know it sounds stupid and crazy. If you say no I’ll leave right now no questions asked.”

Billie chuckled.

“I’ve done way crazier shit… come on, let’s go to my dressing room and have a chat.”

The way he emphasized the word chat indicated that he had something up his sleeve that didn’t include chatting.

He indicated his right. I cocked my head. Among the gray walls, a small black door stood out.

There was still time to back out.

Hell no, I wasn’t fucking backing out.

I strode confidently to the door, opening it and passing through the threshold.

His dressing room was modest. The only items were a red couch, cluttered counters along the back wall, and a full-length mirror to my left.

The lock clicked into place.

The walls felt like they were closing in on me, the room shrinking as my heartbeat quickened to match the intense anxiety coursing through my veins.

The room was becoming smaller.

Was it always this hot?

I ran my finger under the collar of my t-shirt in the hopes of exposing more of my hot skin to the cool air.

“I bet you didn’t expect your night to end like this.”

I swiveled my head around, my body following until I was facing him. I dropped my hand, crossing my arms over my chest to hopefully sway his eyes from perceiving my nervousness. Billie leaned his shoulder against the door frame, his hip cocked to the side.

“I’m not gonna lie to you. I went to this concert in hopes of getting laid.”

We laughed softly in unison, the muffled bustle of people practically nonexistent in the closed confines of the dressing room.

“Kick off your shoes and stay a while.”

He stated smugly. I did as I was told, bending down to untie my converse and kicking them to the side haphazardly. Billie followed suit, taking care to draw out his movements to heighten the suspense of the situation.

“I like you… you’re different.”

Billie seemed approachable for a super famous rockstar. He was smug, but not arrogant. He had a soft exterior.

“What? You mean like… different than your other groupies?”

Billie used his own weight to push himself off the wall. He began striding confidently towards me, hands stuffed in his front pockets.

“No, just different.”

He continued to walk forward. I wasn’t nervous at the idea of having sex with possibly one of the most attractive and approachable men I’ve ever met.

I was nervous about the unknown.

I was nervous about what was to come when he slipped his hands under my shirt.

“You barely know me.”

Billie came to a halt as his deft fingers found his collar. He gradually undid the top three buttons, revealing a few more inches of his pale chest. My gaze was drawn to his newly exposed skin, the simple action sending a spark of pleasure to my core. I traced my wet tongue along my chapped bottom lip, already feeling myself grow wet at the mere idea of getting hot and heavy with Billie.

Only my virgin ass would become hot and bothered by seeing a few inches of a guy’s chest.

Jesus, if I had this reaction to seeing a small fragment of his torso I hate to imagine my body’s response when he removes his pants.

I just prayed it was the intimacy of the situation that affected me more than his slow and sensual actions.

“Well…”

Billie's voice faded as his rough palm cupped my cheek, forcing my gaze to shift away from his shirt collar. The proximity of our chests generated sexual electricity between us. I was being drawn towards him by an unseen force. But my fear of the unfamiliarity of the predicament held me back.

His intense gaze made my knees weak with anticipation. I dug my nails into my forearms, my cheeks flushing hot.

“We should get to know each other a little better.”

Billie cocked his head to the side, his lips ghosting over mine.

My stomach flipped.

My nerves were set on fire by his hot breath. I closed my eyes, wanting to close the gap and taste him on my tongue. But I held back, allowing him to be the leader and exploit my vulnerability.

The blood rushed from my face to my core as he pressed his lips to mine, leaving my skin hot and my insides cold. My arms relaxed, hands tangling in his short black hair as I groaned involuntarily against his mouth.

Billies surprisingly large hands moved down my chest, halting to cup my tender breasts through my clothing. The heel of his open palm brushed against my sensitive nipples, the buds hardening into peaks under his heavy touch.

I moaned loudly, parting my lips further and inviting his tongue to push between my lips. Our tongues began clashing, the kiss transforming into a heated battle as our teeth clashed. Heavy gasps of air were blown from our nostrils, Billie’s hands moving further downwards to grip my hips. He rocked my pelvis against his growing erection, the warmth of his excitement radiating through multiple layers of clothes. His cock was halfway soft, yet it was prominent against my covered mound.

Jesus, he was bigger than I anticipated and he was still fully clothed.

This newly discovered fact made my brain hazy with desire. I wasn’t thinking straight anymore, the need to be fucked overwhelming any rational idea that crossed my brain. My open palms began to travel down his body, fingers desperately grasping at anything I could get my hands on.

My touch discovered his belt. I snagged a finger into the leather, yanking him impossibly closer to me.

“P-please.”

I whispered softly against his gloriously plush lips. Billie smirked into the kiss, delighted that he had a profound effect on me.

“Please what?”

I gulped. Billie began walking forward, pushing me backwards until my knees came into contact with the couch. He released my hips as I thudded against the cushions. Billie glared at me, and I cocked my head back to meet his gaze. His intense eyes made me clench my thighs together in an attempt to gain friction for my now throbbing cunt.

“Please what?”

He repeated himself.

His tender grasp cupped my cheek and sensually held my face. His thumb dragged along my bottom lip, his fingertip lightly grazing over my plush mouth. My hands began to shake, so I stuffed them under my thighs.

“Please fuck me.”

I murmured, my tongue failing to follow my brain's commands after that mouth watering kiss.

“Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t quite hear you.”

To regain my composure, I swallowed, a large lump forming inside my throat.

“I said please fuck me.”

Thank God, my mouth was at least somewhat working in my favor. Billie drew my bottom lip downward before releasing it, my lip snapping back to its original place. He smirked devilishly.

“Can I taste you first?”

Billie’s honeyed tone dripped from his lush mouth and traveled straight to my core. I pursed my lips, shifting my pelvis to hopefully relieve the painful throbbing between my thighs.

“Yes…”

I whispered, nodding my head vigorously. Billie chuckled lowly at my desperation.

“Needy, are we?”

He began to shrink until he was on his knees in front of me, placing his calloused open palms on my thighs to pry my legs open. I forced my muscles to relax in order to make the process easier for him.

I was now wishing I had gone with my original plan of not wearing panties.

Billie's palms trailed upwards, grazing over my smooth skin until he reached the soft flesh of my hips. He grasped the sides of my panties with both of his hands, tugging them downwards. I lifted my legs ever so slightly off the couch, watching intently as he removed the soaked fabric from my body. He tossed my panties to the side, his hungry eyes landing on my now exposed cunt.

My distress obscured any potential feelings of insecurity that raced through my mind. I drew my hands from beneath my thighs, reaching forward to tangle my fingers in Billie's short hair.

“Please… do something.”

I begged.

Billie, thankfully, didn't hesitate to throw my knees over his shoulders and pull me to the edge of the couch. My dress bunched up around my hips, allowing Billie easy access to bury his face between my legs.

He began kissing along my sensitive inner thighs, every pulse of my cunt setting my body ablaze with hot desire.

“Just relax baby, I promise I’ll make you feel really good.”

It was extremely hard to “just relax” when his mouth was mere inches from where I wanted him most. Defeated, I allowed my head to fall onto the back of the couch. The tender kisses do little to quell the now painful throbbing.

I traced the cracks on the white ceiling, gritting my teeth to distract my brain from the edging. When Billie noticed that I was losing passion for the current predicament, he quickly licked a long stripe between my folds, the tip of his tongue grazing over my swollen clit. I bucked my hips against his mouth, my thighs crushing his head between my legs as my breath hitched loudly in my throat. I groaned, my eyes squeezing shut.

“Fuck!”

I exclaimed, Billie’s tongue expertly flicking my bundle of nerves, waves of pleasure coursing through my veins.

“Jesus baby, you’re so wet and I’ve barely even touched you.”

Billie hollowed his cheeks to increase the suction on my swollen bud, my pelvis grinding against his face.

“I can’t wait to fuck you. Your pretty little pussy is gonna feel so sweet wrapped around my cock.”

I knit my brow in pleasure, my hand turning white knuckled as I increased the intensity of my grip, pulling loose strands of hair from his scalp. His painted nails dug into my plush thighs, holding my hips in place.

“Ohhh fuck. That feels so good.”

I could feel warm liquid pooling in my lower abdomen. I was close, very close, but I needed an extra push in order to reach my long awaited release.

“Billie?”

“Yes.”

He mumbled rapidly against my core, the vibrations of his throat bouncing around my insides. I moaned shakily, my train of thought falling off a cliff.

“Yes baby? What do you want? Tell me.”

Oh, right.

“Can you… can you use your fingers please?”

My words tumbled out of my mouth in a frenzied mess. Frankly, I’m surprised he was able to pick up on my request due to the rushed nature of my voice. Billie smirked against my cunt.

“Yes I can baby. Thank you for asking so nicely.”

He released his death grip on my thighs, his dull nails leaving red crescent shaped wounds in their wake. Billie trailed one hand towards my core, two fingertips prodding teasingly at my wet entrance. I utilized my newly granted freedom to buck my hips forward against his fingers.

Billie retracted his fingers a few inches, the movements of his mouth halting. I groaned at the sudden loss of contact.

“Please.”

I gulped.

“I can’t take it anymore.”

Billie began to move his tongue lazily against my clit, slowly reaching his previous pace.

“Sorry baby.”

He slipped two fingers into me, thrusting them slowly against my spongy walls. My entire body convulsed, back arching off the couch in response to the in-sync movements of both his fingers and his warm mouth. I was soon reduced to a moaning mess, my body rushing towards an unstoppable orgasm.

“Billie… I’m gonna cum.”

Billie inserted another finger, stretching my walls further.

“Please cum on my mouth baby girl. I wanna taste you.”

He hollowed his cheeks once more, the suction increasing tenfold. Billie’s pace was becoming merciless, his intense actions traveling straight to the growing pool of liquid inside my lower abdomen. I trapped my lower lip under my top teeth to muffle the moans ripping through my body and piercing the quiet atmosphere of the dressing room.

With one final thrust of his calloused fingertips against my walls, I released on his face, the tension leaving my body in a sudden wave.

“Fuck baby, you taste so good.”

My chest heaved as I regained my composure, Billie lazily drinking in my juices, his fingers resting inside of me.

“You ready for me to fuck you now?”

My eyelids fluttered open, my retinas taking a moment to adjust to the soft light.

Was I ready now?

I had been ready this entire night!

I swung my head forward, growing wet once more at the image of Billie’s face buried between my thighs. He retracted his mouth from my core once he was satisfied, lightly setting my shaking legs back down onto the couch.

He pulled his fingers from my wet walls, leaving me feeling empty and hungry for more. My jaw dropped as Billie brought his cum soaked fingers to his lips, sucking them into his mouth erotically while igniting intense eye contact. The area around his mouth was wet with my juices, the damp skin glistening in the soft fluorescent lights.

He pulled his digits from his mouth with a soft pop, bringing his hands to the buttons on his shirt. My gaze followed his fingers as he exposed more of his skin for my eyes to take in. Tendons bulged from Billie’s ink-covered forearms as he hurriedly undid the numerous buttons.

Jesus, I never knew tattoos could turn me on this much.

My entire body stopped functioning when he exposed his dark happy trail.

I couldn’t breathe, my internal organs weren’t cooperating. I could only stare in utter disbelief.

Shit, was this really happening?

I expected to wake up at any moment with my panties soaked and my cunt throbbing.

This was a wet dream.

No way was I about to lose my virginity to fucking Billie Joe Armstrong.

“You wanna take off your dress? Or are you gonna keep gawking?”

My gaze snapped back to his eyes, cheeks flushing hot with embarrassment. I removed my socks first before extending my arms behind my head, only to realize the zipper was barely out of my reach.

“Could-could you do it?”

Billie scoffed, standing to his full height.

“Sure… come here baby.”

He motioned with his index finger for me to come hither and stand before him. I gulped before rising on shaky knees, hands at my sides. Billie cocked his head sideways.

“Turn around.”

He demanded, his tone light and playful. I turned to face the back wall, my eyes glazing over the various clutter on the counters. Billie's hot fingertips grazed over the cool skin on my back as he gradually dragged the zipper on my dress downwards.

The dress fell, pooling around my ankles. My breath caught in my throat as Billie wrapped his large hands around my breasts, kneading softly. I groaned involuntarily, his hair tickling my neck as he rested his chin atop my shoulder.

“God, I wanted to fuck you the moment I caught you staring at me in the crowd.”

I inhaled shakily.

“You’re the lead singer. What was I supposed to do? Not look at you?”

Although my words were sassy, my tone was anything but. Billie scoffed.

“There’s a difference between looking and staring. Believe me, I know.”

He placed a gentle kiss on my neck, dragging his wet tongue along my jugular. His lips came to rest against my earlobe.

“I could tell by that sleazy look in your eyes that your mind was up to no good.”

I gasped as he pinched my hardened nipples between two fingers, my head falling onto his shoulder.

“Please Billie, just fuck me already.”

He pulled my back against his front. Our bare skin collided, the cool metal of his belt buckle pressed against my lower back. I could already feel my juices dripping down my inner thighs.

“Alright baby… since you asked me so politely.”

He breathed against my earlobe, his hot breath raising goosebumps along my skin.

“Bend yourself over the couch. I wanna fuck you from the back.”

I suppose I was losing my virginity in a rather kinky manner.

Whatever, I wasn’t about to complain.

I strode forward, kneeling atop the soft cushions and leaning my torso over the back of the couch. I rested my chin on the back of my hands, waited patiently for Billie to make the next move. My exposed ass and wet cunt was on display for his gaze.

The prominent sound of a clinking belt buckle cut through the quiet anticipation.

Fuck.

Shit.

This was really happening.

I didn’t look back.

I didn’t want to look back.

I knew his cock was definitely mouth watering.

But the image of his thick, rock hard cock on full display had the potential to place thoughts of doubt and fear inside my brain.

So I chose to allow the suspense to consume me.

The cushions shifted under me as a second person climbed atop the couch. His open palms dragged along my sides, the subtle touches sending a chill down my spine. He stopped to tenderly wrap his hands around my fleshy hips.

“I’ll go slow at first. Let me know if you want me to stop.”

I nodded.

“Alright.”

Billie dragged the swollen tip of his cock through my folds, eliciting a low groan from the back of my throat. I dug my nails into the couch, bracing myself for what was to come. He slowly pushed in, my walls stretching to accommodate his girth.

“Fuck…”

I mumbled, the insertion of his cock cursed subtle waves of pain to pulse through my stretched cunt.

“Does it feel good?”

He murmured raspily.

It did.

It hurt so good.

“Yes… it feels really fucking good.”

Billie began to rock his pelvis, pulling almost completely out before burying himself balls deep within me. This process continued slowly at first, my body moving slightly with every slow thrust.

“Fuck Billie, you’re so big.”

Billie groaned.

“If you keep talking like that sweetheart I may have to fuck you harder.”

My eyes fluttered closed. He utilized his gentle grasp on my hips to pull me back to meet his slow thrusts.

It was far too slow for me.

“Please fuck me harder… I need it.”

Billie chuckled as he began to quicken his pace.

“You’re a little slut, aren’t you?”

I knit my brow.

“Yes, I am.”

I couldn’t even deny it.

Billie began yanking me backwards to meet the intense snap of his hips. My body rocked with every thrust, soft groans falling from my lips every time he buried himself into my soaking cunt.

“You’re so fucking tight Y/N. I could fuck you forever.”

I wanted him to fuck me forever. This angle was perfect for him to slam into my g spot everytime he slammed into me. The wet slapping sounds of sex bounced off the thick brick walls.

It was truly erotic.

A moment ripped straight from a porn.

“Can I cum inside you baby? Would that make you happy?”

His tone was surprisingly stable, not faltering.

I admired the self control.

I scratched my nails against the couch cushions, hoping to gain some leverage. The mention of cum made me notice the tightening pinch slowly building in my lower abdomen.

“Yes, that’d make me happy. Please chin inside of me.”

Billie’s calloused fingertips found my clit, and he began rubbing soft figure eights into my swollen bundle of nerves.

I moaned loudly, the pleasure consuming me.

I was unable to form a coherent thought.

“Fuck, your pussy is so sweet. I’m gonna cum.”

His cock twitched within my spongy walls.

I was close as well.

The subdued pain made my toes curl.

It hurt so fucking good.

The gentle movements of his finger against my clit pulled the coil tighter.

“I’m gonna cum too… please keep fucking me I wanna cum on your cock.”

Billie grunted.

“Can you cum for me?”

I clenched my abdomen, his raspy tone sending me over the edge with a pornographic moan. Billie followed shortly after, his hot cum coating my walls. I was thrown into cold water, my body overcome with a sudden onset of erotic euphoria.

I could’ve cum a third time just by the sexiness of his cum filling me to the brim.

He continued to lazily thrust into me, his fingers moving slowly around my overstimulated clit.

I came down gradually, wanting to prolong this delicious feeling for as long as humanly possible.

Billie chuckled.

“You should come to our shows more often.”

He leaned in, brushing his plush lips over my earlobe.

“Maybe next time I’ll tie you up.”

#fanfic #imagine #imagines #billie joe armstrong #billie joe green day #Billie Joe Armstrong x reader #Billie Joe Armstrong smut #green day #green day singer #Green Day smut #dookie #american idiot #punk rock #alternative rock #wake me up when september ends #basket case #brain stew #smut imagine #smut requests #smut recs #x female reader #x fem!reader #fanfiction #green day live #green day lyrics

[f1carsgovroomvroom]

THE ENCOUNTER PART 4

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x Fan

Warnings: smut, unprotected sex, some degrading language 🌶🌶🌶

Word count: 3.3k

Links for part one, two and three

I wasn’t sure if Charles was saying these things and acting like that just to annoy Pierre but I would lie if I said that I wasn’t interested.

“I can hear you, I’m literally here.” Pierre said, annoyance quite present in his voice.

“Not to sound like an asshole, but you had her before, it’s only right, obviously if she wants to, for me to have her for myself.” Charles’s way of talking, still respectful but also still turning me on, was a enigma for me.

Pierre rolled his eyes.

“You know what? You guys do you, I’m having a shower. If I don’t know, it cannot affect me.”

Pierre picked his clothes from the floor and left the room but not before making sure to give me a look that I swear could kill me if I didn’t look away just in time.

“So…” Charles voices echoed in my head.

I turn around to face him and he smiles at me.

“He is a child sometimes.” He brings one hand to his temples and massages them. “But I meant it. I did find you interesting the moment we met, I find you interesting now and I even know how fun you can be, so if you are still up for it, let’s… you know, just the two of us.”

Charles seemed shy trying to say this to me but I knew the shyness disappears the second he is hard.

“Is that so?” I asked raising an eyebrow but my tone being playful. “Then show me you’re interested because from where you stand now, I’m quite unsure if there is such thing as interest in you for me.”

That was enough for Charles’s switch to be turn on and back to the way he was earlier. Still naked from before but this time around it felt different. He gestured to me to come closer and I didn’t move.

“Make me say it again, and you’ll regret it.” Charles said, probably knowing I’m in for the punishment and I’ll not listen. “Come here.” He repeated and I smiled, still not moving.

He came closer and his hand went straight to my neck, squeezing a little bit, just enough to block some of the air but releasing it quickly. His lips found mine and if our first kiss was hot, this was slow and calculated, taking his time to make the kiss more intense. His finger was moving slowly over my arm and the feeling made me shiver. I loved it. My goosebumps just made it more obvious how much I actually enjoyed it. His kiss slowly moved to my cheek and then to my jaw and he continued further down.

As he reached my breast, he squeezed one of the nipples between his fingers and took the other in his mouth, making me moan. His other hand travelled down to my body, between my legs and starting massaging the now slightly sensible bud. The feelings were more intense than they would’ve been if what happened earlier didn’t. But he knew and he paid attention to how my body reacted to each move he made and became more gentle when necessary.

After the earlier experience, I expected him to be like that all the time, ordering me around and not accepting no as an answer, but the gentle side of him reminded me that Charles was not only this good looking guy, but also one of the kindest people I came across.

The left kisses all over my body as he pushed me closer to the bed and once I sat on it he pushed me further up and got on top of me.

“You’re still sore from earlier.” He said, as he was kissing my face all over.

“Uhum.” I managed to get out.

“We can just cuddle.”

He pulled the blanket over us and placed my head on his chest, allowing me to just embrace his chest while remembering what happened earlier. I felt bad for doing such a thing but at the same time I enjoyed it. Both of them make me feel things I have never felt before, so it’s not like I acted on purely lust, but have I acted on feelings?

We talked about small things and about our childhoods, our favourite memories of our parents and siblings and how we both learnt to make sushi during lockdown because we missed eating it.

Pierre did stick his head through the door making it obvious that he was checking on us but he excused himself and spent most of the evening on the sim.

Next few days were a bit awkward with us going out to the park with or without the bikes, grabbing lunch together and sometimes watching them play on the sim.

We didn’t talk about that day and neither has either of them tried anything else with me. It was almost like it never happened but there wasn’t even once a chance that I was left with one of them at any given time.

Charles was leaving soon to see his family in Monaco, while Pierre was off to France for a wedding so not seeing them for a few days might actually make things slightly better.

I chatted to them and Charles even left me a key to his house so I can go to the gym if I wanted to, or just make sure sometimes that the house was okay. I watered the few plants we picked up while we were doing the shopping and I did use the gym once.

One morning I woke up with my phone ringing and it was no other than Charles.

“Hello?” I said, half asleep.

“Yas, I am in front of the house, I forgot my keys at home. Can I borrow yours?”

“I will be down in 5.”

I grabbed a hoodie over my pyjamas and I went downstairs, he was in his car waiting for me.

“Get in and come over.” He said while opening the door from the inside.

I jumped in and gave him a smile. I did miss seeing them but the chats I had with Charles and how similar we could be, really made me miss him more.

“Hello, you!” He said, studying my outfit. “Great outfit you’ve got.”

I laughed. “I’d say that it’s the same for you but the suit looks nice on you.” He was wearing a Ferrari branded suit with a white shirt underneath, a tie that was a bit loosened and his hair was perfect.

“I had an event before my flight and it just messed all my plans.”

We got to the house quickly and as we weee getting out the rain started.

“I’m leaving tomorrow for France. I have an extra pass, if you’d like it.” Charles said as we were rushing to get inside.

I thought about it for a minute but having that pass, being in the Ferrari garage probably, meant I could be in the eye of the public and possibly become a target for gossip, which is not what I want or need.

“Yas?” He said looking at me.

“Yeah, sorry, I was just thinking.” I now took off my hoodie and throw it over the back of a chair that was in the living room.

“Would you not want to come to a race?” He looked at me, studying every single face expression I could have.

“Of course I want to, but the media will see me. Gossip is a big part of F1… I just don’t want to become a target to their assumptions.”

“No one needs to know you had it from me. It’s just a normal pass, you do have access to the Ferrari side but you don’t need to use it. We can meet after and grab something to eat. Pierre will be there too, we can introduce you as a friend.”

Charles was trying to reassure me but my fears were getting the best of me.

He came closer to me, taking my hands in his.

“Look, before Pierre and I left, we agreed to give you time to kind of process what happened that day. It all happened too quickly and then things could’ve gotten awkward but it doesn’t mean we regret it, or anything like that.” He got even closer to me, now I was able to smell his cologne. “I still want… what we almost had that day after the three of us were done.”

His eyes never leaving mine, I could see exactly how his pupils were dilating as he was looking at me. I could feel his heart beats as he was holding me, I knew I had the same effect on him as he had on me.

My words left me, not knowing what to say or how to react when Charles was just saying all the right things, so I used no words, I just made sure he knew I wanted him too.

My lips on his, my hands around his neck, his hands around my waist pulling me closer, that’s how we ended up seconds later. He kissed me like he missed me too.

When we came down from the kiss his forehead rested against mine.

“Let’s have a nap after I have a shower and then we can do whatever you wanna do today.” He kissed my cheek and I nodded. “Go upstairs in my bed, I will come shortly too. I just need a shower.”

He removed his tie and my mind went wild.

“I could join you.” I said smiling at him. “Help you as you’re probably tired from the flight.” I winked at him.

“I am jealous of how good your wink is, mine will never be as perfect.” He tried to wink, but as always he kind of failed, but he did look extremely cute so I cannot complain. “The help would be much appreciated. I will grab some towels and be there in 2 minutes.”

I went straight to his bathroom, undressing and making sure the water is at a good temperature before entering the big shower.

The shower was large, with a place made for sitting. I sat there and let the water cover my body. I heard the door and Charles was still in his suit, taking his jacket off and then slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He didn’t take it off once all the buttons were undone, he just went for his belt and trousers, pulling them down together with his underwear, leaving him in the shirt and nothing else. He unbuttoned the buttons around the wrist and took that off too, stepping now into the shower.

As I was sitting down, I was at a good level to just lean forward a bit and give a soft kiss to his cock. No surprise that he was already hard, even if he had half of the thoughts I had, he should still be as hard as rock.

He left a groan out and that gave me the courage to continue.

I licked the whole length and then gave more attention to the head, sucking gently. I used one hand to gently massage his balls. Once I knew I teased him enough, I took more of him in my mouth and started moving up and down.

“Your mouth is made for my dick.” He said as he was getting all my hair together so he could hold it.

He didn’t try to control the pace, he just left me to pleasure him as I wished. I slowly increased the pace myself and once I started gagging a bit, I could feel him losing the control of not taking control.

“Do it, Charles. Stop being the nice guy, I know you want this.” I said as I continued to move my hand up and down his length.

He smiled and once his cock was back in my mouth, he moved my head as he wished, making me gag and pulling me down to sit on my knees to make it easier for him to move. He wasn’t the gentle guy that he tried to be earlier anymore, he was the guy that let loose the demons and can now fuck me like he really means it.

“This is enough, I have more plans for us for today.” He said as he was pulling me up.

We were now completely under the shower head and he grabbed the shower gel and the buffer that was on the shelf in the shower.

“Let me wash you.” He whispered in my ear.

“Will you let me wash you, too?” He nodded and then put some of the shower gel on the buffer.

He started gently washing my arms and then getting to my breast and the smallest touch made me more aware how he was touching me. He moved onto my abdomen and then onto my back, but still facing me. He was basically hugging me but still washing my back.

Then he kneeled down and washed my legs, getting closer and closer to the place I wanted him to get.

He finally got there and gently washed the area, without insisting too much.

He stood up and I was disappointed that he hasn’t teased me or anything.

“I think we might need to use my hands to wash a few parts, just you know, to ensure that we have proper hygiene. It’s good for your health.”

“I agree, I like the idea of using the hands.”

He got a bit more shower gels, leathered it on his hands and from behind me he started playing with my breast, giving extra attention to my nipples and kissing my neck as he was doing so. After he gave enough attention to them, he circled me once again facing me.

“There is one place I think we could make sure is completely clean. Just for safety.”

“Really? Which one.”

He put his hand between my legs holding it there.

“Here. Should I wash it?” I nodded. “Lay down there.”

I tried to position myself the best way possible while grabbed the shower head and then he kneeled down and opened my legs. The shower head was on the floor, the cord being long enough to reach where we were.

His hand slowly started moving around between my legs and then focusing on my clit. He used the shower head to wash all the foam off, making sure no shower gel was left around there.

Once the foam was gone, his tongue was searching my clit and his fingers were at my opening. He got one finger inside while using his tongue to my clit, when he added the second one, I was ready to melt onto the floor. He kept the same pace, but slowing down once I was getting closer and he did it a few times, frustration growing. He noticed me giving him the looks and he smiled.

“You’ll have to ask for it.”

I rolled my eyes. “Charles… I need you to make me cum before I lose it. I want you to make me cum, please.”

He smiled once again, seeming satisfied with my request and oh, he was. Once he stopped teasing me and actually starting to build up my orgasm, I couldn’t have controlled it even if I wanted. I was slipping down from where I was sitting but he stabilised me to ensure I don’t fall.

Once I came down from my orgasm, he used the head of the shower one more time to wash any remaining foam from us and grabbed the towels.

He wrapped one around me and the other small one around his waist after using it to dry off any water left on him.

He took my hand and leaded us into the bedroom. His kisses got more heated as he got closer to the bed. I used one hand to make his towel drop to the floor and took advantage of it being off him and grabbed his dick and started moving my hand, making him hard again.

His hand also reached to the top of my towel falling on to the floor. I got onto the bed, pushing myself higher and him following me.

“Do you want me to be gentle or do you wanna be fucked?”

Charles left the words to hang in the air.

I knew whatever I was going to ask, he would deliver but the truth was, I wanted him to fuck me until I forgot my name.

“Fuck.” It was almost a whisper.

“I cannot hear you.”

“I want to be fucked.” I repeated.

“Louder.” Charles teased.

“I want you to fuck me, Charles. Please.” I repeated, loud enough for anyone outside the house to hear.

“Good girl.” He said as he found my clit again and started playing with it.

My moans were louder than I wanted them to, but Charles knew how to use his hands. His tongue was skilled but so were his fingers that could probably satisfy me by themselves.

Once I was wet enough, he turned me around and arranged my legs so I could be with my ass up and on all fours.

I felt him behind me, slowly entering me. He went really slowly in, allowing me to get used to him again. Then he started moving, slowly once again, once the moans started to leave my mouth, he picked up the speed, going faster and deeper. The occasional slap on my ass was also part of the programme today but the best part was when he decided to lean forward, find my clit with his fingers and massage it as he was fucking me from behind. My second orgasm built quickly because of it and shortly after I was clenching on his dick.

He continued to fuck me and only stopped when he changed positions. Turning me around to face me but putting my legs in his shoulders.

The second he started moving, the feeling was overwhelming. He was big and this position just made it feel even bigger. I struggled to take it but it felt good. He did not go easy on me and he kept going slowly but so deep, I could feel him inside me everywhere. He then left my legs to fall around him and hugged him with them, resting them just above his ass.

He leaned down kissing me but not slowing down fucking me. I could feel getting closer and I wanted to finish again too, so I sneaked my hand between us and started playing with my clit.

“Such a greedy slut you are.”

His words turned me on even more as I clenched around his dick. And his eyes rled back.

“Don’t do that again, I will finish instantly.” He warned.

“Then don’t turn me on more.”

“You like being called a slut?” I shrugged. “Or you like being my slut?.” As his words left his mouth I clench around his dick once again.

His hand found my neck.

“Told you to not do it again. Play with yourself and finish on that dick again.”

I did as he said and played with my clit faster. The hand around my neck just heightened the feeling. Once I felt losing my control of not finishing I let loose and finished around him and he did finish too.

He then let himself fall on top of me, kissing my shoulder gently.

“You’ll be the death of me.” He whispered. “I wanna fuck you in all positions, around the whole house and everywhere else.”

I laughed. “Sounds good to me.”

“Then say yes to my race invitation.”

He raised his head to look at me and I nodded. That earned me a kiss from him.

Part 5 is now up ❤️

#charles leclerc #f1 fanfic #f1 smut #charles leclerc smut #charles leclerc fanfic

[adhdblues]

Sleep supplements that have actually worked really well for me

Before I start, the supplements I’m referring to are:

- Magnesium L-Threonate - Brand: Life Extension

- L-Theanine - Brand: now

- Apigenin - Brand: Liposomal

I’m sure there are other brands out there which are preferred, these are the ones that were accessible to me based on where I live.

——————

I just wanted to take some time to drop my personal experience/success here in case it can help anyone else who is struggling with sleep.

My whole life has been a struggle with sleep and insomnia. Both before and after I started adhd medication (concerta 54mg). I’ve been diagnosed with adhd about a year ago.

- It would take me at least 2 hours to fall asleep.

- I would wake up multiple times during the night.

- Had very vivid dreams, to the point I had to ask people if something happened in real life or if it was a dream. Mostly anxiety inducing dreams.

- I would be wide awake until sunrise.

My partner has helped me get into an evening routine since we met, which I really appreciated. But still, most of the nights I would experience insomnia, evening anxiety and mind-racing, bad dreams or interrupted sleep.

After listening to Andrew Huberman’s sleep podcast, we both tried to implement some of his tips into our night routine. But I still had sleep issues no matter what routine I tried. I.e restrict phone use prior to bed, dim all the lights to kickstart melatonin production etc.

He then decided to get me these 3 supplements that Huberman recommends for sleep because my overall mental health, sleep and anxiety levels were not great. We had both discussed it and thought it would be nice if I tried a different approach to see what happens.

I had mentioned my sleep struggles and evening anxiety to my psychiatrist multiple times, but his response would be that it’s normal because of adhd, as well as stimulant medication.

Since I started taking the supplements just under 2 months ago, they have honestly been working so well for me. I have considered that it may be placebo, but the outcome has been too good that it’s hard for me to ignore.

I don’t even know when I fall asleep anymore. I’m literally gone shortly after I get into bed — but I don’t feel drowsy prior to that. I have such deep sleep that I now wake up feeling fresh. I used to be a light sleeper, where I would wake up with any sound or movement in the room.

I even feel like it’s improved my brain fog a lot more than just concerta on its own (just a personal observation).

My constant vivid nightmares/dreams have gone away, I honestly can’t recall the last time I woke up to a bad dream. I don’t remember my dreams anymore, but I can’t tell you if i’m just not dreaming or if they’re just not as intense anymore…

No interrupted sleep since starting the supplements.

I have tried melatonin and over the counter sleep-aid, but I never really liked the side effects the morning after. Also melatonin never really helped my sleep quality.

I just wanted to mention it here in case it helps anyone else as well, because I’ve honestly been feeling soooo good and keep thanking my partner for getting me the supplements. I know I would’ve never done it myself out of procrastination.

However, these are just based on my personal experience and I’m not at all saying that everyone else will have the same experiences. I just want to give my review of some sorts, as someone who has adhd and has struggled with sleep, in case anyone has been curious about these or is looking to try something different, specifically for sleep.

I would recommend checking out Huberman’s podcasts on sleep, and adhd as well :)

I just wanted to add that I remember him mentioning that Apigenin could cause vivid dreams for some, but I personally haven’t experienced that until now.

Just make sure to drink enough water since they’re water soluble.

Other supplements that I take (in the morning) that may have some effect on this too:

- ashwagandha (short-term) - Brand: Jarrow Formulas —please do look into it and consult with a profession before trying this, since it can interact with underlying health conditions and medication. Recommended by all sources I have looked at to take it short term. I don’t take it for adhd purposes, I just decided to try it out because of stress and mood. There isn’t enough research to prove its benefits though, just a heads up.

- Algae Omega-3 - Brand: Garden of Life

- B-Complex - Brand: Nature’s Bounty

My day supplements are on and off as I forget to take them for a few days every now and then.

But I’ve tried to stay consistent with the sleep supplements in the last month and a half.

I hope this helps!

#adhd #living with adhd #adhd brain #adhd and sleep #sleep #no sleep #sleep insomnia #sleep improvement #sleep issues #sleep problems #insomia #supplements #sleep supplements #sleep support #adhd struggles

[amatchinwater]

Pairing: Briles

Warnings: mentions of past stalking, Donovan is an idiot

Ao3 Masterlist

Devenford Academy

Ch 2: Pack- Synonymous with Family

Ch 1

---

By some miracle, Stiles didn’t get lost on his way to class. His first lesson was Magic-301. It took him and his teacher all of a five minute introduction to realize he’s a lot smarter than this. A big thanks to his mother’s journals. Unfortunately, Devenford doesn’t offer higher level lessons, so they swapped it out for a free period. Stiles being able to sleep in is definitely a plus in his book.

His astronomy class was pretty cool. Stiles is very excited to learn how to read and map the stars. It’s fascinating to him. He had really hoped he wouldn’t have to sit through mundane classes like math. But Stiles walked into his trigonometry class just the same. It can help with complex spells and even the occasional potion, so the teacher said. The spark would’ve preferred being back in Harris’ class. He’s never been all that good at math. Or science.

Though his stomach is rumbling viciously, the spark opts for a bag of chips and an apple. Also not all that ready to meet the pack officially, Stiles heads out the front doors. Sitting on the edge of the dragon fountain to read. Someone let a bunch of knots get tangled in his stomach when Stiles thinks too much about his predicament. Or about the pack.

It’s quite annoying. He hasn’t been riddled with nerves this bad in a long time. The sick to his stomach feeling when his father passed was different. That was a harrowing, the world is ending, I’m not even eighteen and on my own type of anxiety. Stiles is half tempted to find a spell to help him get a grip. But Stiles knows better than that. Even for someone with experience, spells dealing with emotions are very finicky. Stiles would sooner devoid himself of all emotion by pure accident than actually help his anxiety.

The hairs on the back of his neck stand to attention after levitating his trash into the garbage. Stiles closes his bestiary textbook and looks around. Nothing sticks out, so he fiddles with his bag to seem occupied. He’s not a fool. Bushes rustle on his right.

There’s no wind.

“I know you’re there,” the spark sighs. He doesn’t know who, but there’s definitely someone lurking. When no one answers or makes themselves known, Stiles raises his hand, dragging the person through the air with his magic. The dark haired boy in the same green jacket as Stiles jerks towards him, hovering in the air. 

So he’s a student too at least.

The spark gets up, dangling the boy over the fountain. “Who are you and why are you watching me?” Stiles wiggles his fingers with a smirk, “I’d answer quickly.”

“You must be Stiles,” he laughs nervously, “I’ve heard so much about you,” the guy says. “Could you maybe put me down and we can talk?”

“Yeah, that’s not what I asked,” the spark says, “but sure, I’ll put you down.”

“W-w-wait, no-” the guy yelps.

“Stiles, wait!” An unfamiliar voice behind him yells.

He stops the stranger mid-fall, his butt dangerously close to the water. “Seriously?” Stiles groans, turning around to find Brett jogging towards them. “What?”

“That’s Donovan.” The Alpha’s eyes flash red, raising both hands in defense. Stiles’ must be glowing purple if that’s the wolf’s reaction. “He’s my Beta.”

“Is that meant to matter to me?” The spark snaps, “he was watching me from the bushes!”

Brett breathes out a laugh, dropping his hands, “I never said he was smart. Please, would you put him down?” The wolf nods his head to the side, “maybe not in the fountain?”

Stiles rolls his eyes and with a flick of his wrist, Donovan hits the grass with a thud and a groan. “Beta or not, I don’t take kindly to people stalking me.” Flashes of his ex-girlfriend Malia dance in his brain. The spark won’t go through that again. “Next time there won’t be a warning.”

“I’m sorry,” the Beta stands up, brushing himself off. “I didn’t mean to be a creep.”

“What the fuck else did you expect?” Brett turns to his packmate, towering over him. “Were you thinking at all?”

Donovan ducks his head, “I’m sorry. I know he’s close with Isaac and knows Liam. But I promise I was just thinking of the pack. I wanted to see what kind of person he was by himself. If he’s going to be in the pack, we should know who he is.”

“Hang on-”

Brett cuts him off, “if you have suspicions, you bring them to me. Kind of my job, in case you forgot.” He may not be a wolf, but Stiles can recognize Alpha tone when he hears it. He wishes it wasn’t hot. “And whether or not he joins the pack is entirely up to Stiles,” Brett adds.

“I’m sorry, Stiles,” Donovan repeats himself, looking genuinely apologetic. “I really didn’t mean to scare you, just find out who you are.”

Stiles sighs, “it’s okay. I’ve just been stalked before. So I’ve learned to keep a better eye on my surroundings.” The bell rings, ending the lunch period. The spark collects his things to leave. “But Donovan,” he turns back towards the pair.

“Yeah?” The Beta looks torn between being afraid and hopeful.

“I haven’t decided about being in the pack or not,” he starts. Stiles just got here. Though being permanently aligned with Isaac and Liam is a major incentive. He wants to think first. And meet the others properly. “But next time you want to figure out who I am, just ask. Make it easy on all of us, ‘kay?”

Donovan beams, nodding, “you got it!”

He turns to leave, hearing Brett say, “I’ll deal with you later.”

“Yes, Alpha,” the Beta whispers.

A shiver forces itself down Stiles’ spine as he heads to his next class.

—

The universe or something really enjoys playing games with Stiles. There’s just simply no other viable explanation. Brett is not in just a couple of Stiles’ classes, Liam. The Alpha is in all three classes after lunch.

Luckily, health class, his hour immediately following lunch was almost full by the time Stiles made it there. With only a handful of open seats left, the spark sat at the one in the middle. Brett walked in not thirty seconds after, a devilish grin on his face when he sees the spark. The Alpha sat directly behind him, not saying anything but Stiles could feel his gaze the whole class.

Stiles has never run out of a classroom once dismissed so quickly in his life. Not even after leaving Harris’ class was the spark that hasty. If his old chemistry teacher saw eagerness to leave, he’d gladly keep you until the next bell.

Continuing his streak of luck, his next to last class of the day, Isaac was waiting for Stiles with an open seat as promised when they went over his schedule. The desk was near the window, so no chance of someone- Brett- sitting next to him. The Alpha was stuck in front of his Beta. It’s still close to the spark, but far enough away that if the wolf tried to watch him during class, the teacher would know and he’d get in trouble.

The spark isn’t trying to be rude either. But every time the Alpha has laid eyes on him, Stiles suddenly feels like prey. That Brett is the big bad wolf ready to gobble him up on the way to Grandma’s house. It’s also the fact that when the wolf had to use his authoritative voice, the spark’s knees wanted to buckle. It was unnecessarily hot. Honestly. Maybe Stiles should take a trip to the guidance counselor’s office. Shrink his head back down to size.

Because as undeniably attractive Brett is, he’s also intimidating as all hell. The way that just a simple alteration of his voice makes others fall in line. The general aura of authority his shoulders carry. His confidence. How the scarlet color of his eyes fit him so fucking well. It’s insane.

And yet, despite all of it, the spark is still attracted to him.

They interacted properly once! One time! If one could even consider Brett asking Stiles not to drown his Beta proper.

He’s in way over his head, Stiles is sure of it.

Best to avoid the flirty Alpha as much as possible. At least until the spark gets used to Brett’s presence and isn’t as affected by simple words. Or looks. 

“Thinking about me, Gorgeous,” the Alpha comes up behind the spark, brushing their arms together.

Stiles hopes the wolf doesn’t notice the goosebumps he caused. “No,” the spark says, pointedly looking ahead.

Brett chuckles, a lazy smirk plastered to his lips, “you don’t have to lie to me, Stiles.”

Had he mentioned how much he hates- loves- the wolf saying his name? All husky and melodious sounding. It’s infuriating. “I’m not lying,” Stiles hugs the bestiary to his chest as if it’d protect him. Wildly surprising, it does literally nothing but give the spark a small semblance of security.

Placebos and denial are powerful things.

“Oh, Stiles,” the wolf leans his head back with a breathless laugh. The spark does not look at that beautifully tan column, no siree. “Do you know nothing about werewolves?” Brett leans in with a grin, like sharing a secret, “or does Isaac just not call you out on your bullshit?” The spark sputters, torn between wanting to laugh or rebuke the accusation some more. “That’s what I thought,” the Alpha wraps his arm around his shoulder.

“Don’t you have something better to do than bother me?” Stiles asks, hoping to change the subject and put the wolf in the hot seat instead. “Like, I don’t know, going to your own class?” Gods willing, it will be far away from the spark.

Brett taps the book still snuggly tucked to Stiles’ chest, “I am.”

Please no.

Someone be looking out for the spark. Anyone, honestly. There’s just no fucking way that the wolf is in all of his afternoon classes. He refuses to believe that. Not even the universe can be that cruel. It can’t be.

But the Alpha raises the same exact textbook in the hand not wrapped around him. Which, why is Stiles still allowing it to be there? Because he’s lying, right. “Looks like we have another class together. Lucky me,” Brett winks at him as they avoid more people to turn the corner.

More like people avoid running into them.

“Why,” Stiles snorts, unable to stop the words, “so you can stroke something else for me under the desk?” He regrets it the second they leave his mouth.

Brett’s voice is right in his ear, “if you’re into that sort of thing, Gorgeous.” He swears he feels the Alpha’s lips bump against his earlobe, “and only if you ask me really nicely.”

The spark shivers despite himself. Stiles really needs to have a nice long talk with his filter. Because there was zero thought process behind that statement. The words just spilled out of their own accord. It’s quite irritating how much his mouth gets him into trouble without his brain’s permission.

Stiles blissfully ignores what just happened, walking into the classroom. Hopefully he can escape the Alpha.

He should stop being surprised at this point.

Or hopeful.

“Ah, you must be Mr. Stilinski,” the teacher behind the desk says. “I’m Mr. Argent,” the man says, “have you been finding your way around Devenford okay?”

“Stiles, and yeah-”

Brett cuts him off again, arm returning around the spark’s shoulder, “Isaac and I have been helping him around.”

That seems to placate the teacher. A smile grows on the man’s face, crinkling around his blue eyes, “glad to see you’re in capable hands, Stiles. Please, take a seat.”

“Come on,” the Alpha guides him through the classroom. “You can sit with me,” Brett says, arm never leaving until they’re actually seated. Stiles doesn’t miss the way the blonde-haired girl moves to a different table so they can sit together. 

—

When the final bell rings, Stiles runs out of the classroom before the wolf can get any ideas. Brett kept his hands to himself, thankfully. The spark just really doesn’t think he can handle much more today. Or the next week for that matter. And what the hell was that about the girl just giving up her seat for him?

It’s like Brett is king shit around here or something.

All the more reason for Stiles to stay away. He doesn’t want or need that kind of attention.

He somehow manages to eat dinner in peace and quiet. Probably because he ate in solitude again. No Donovan snooping around in the bushes. No Isaac ensuring the spark that he’s not alone. But above all, no Brett and his sexy looks and flirtatious comments. 

It was quite boring, but mostly nice.

Gave the spark a moment to breathe.

Until he goes back to the room for the night.

Isaac is lounging on his bed with the blonde girl that moved seats. They’re laughing over something Liam and a dark-skinned boy are arguing about on the floor. Donovan is laying sideways on their armchair, offering a meek smile when he sees the spark. But sitting on Stiles’ bed is fucking Brett.

How is this his life?

Why is this his life?

The Alpha was kind enough to take his shoes off at least. Though that means very little to the spark seeing as Brett is practically hugging his pillow. “Hey, Stiles,” the wolf says in a sultry tone, a devilish smirk on his lips.

The spark’s brain forgets how to operate. Seeing Brett on his bed, like he was waiting for him to get back. And then sounding like that. It makes Stiles swallow with an audible click. 

He waves at the Alpha for the sake of being polite. The spark’s gaze however, is on his best friend that hasn’t noticed him yet. “Uh, Is?”

The wolf startles out of his laugh, “shit, Stiles, hey.”

“What’s going on, buddy?” The spark can’t hide the sarcasm if he wanted to.

“Sorry,” Isaac sits up, “we couldn’t find you at dinner. I was going to introduce everyone then. But since you weren’t around and they were coming over tonight anyway, I figured meeting in the comfort of your own room would be okay.”

His best friend did mention that the pack was giving him a day to adjust. It’s been a day. Stiles really should’ve expected this after hiding during dinner. The spark just wanted to hide from Brett.

Can’t do that with the Alpha on his bed.

“I won’t bite,” Brett says, putting his pillow down to sit up against the spark’s headboard instead. Patting the space beside him, the ‘unless you want me to’ may not be said out loud, but it’s obvious in his smirk.

If it wasn’t Stiles’ own fucking bed, he would sit on the floor. Only that the spark is a stubborn bitch to his very core. So he drops his bag by his nightstand and plops himself next to the Alpha. Kicking his shoes off, Stiles bends one of his legs. He wishes he’d shown up first, he could’ve changed. The spark at least takes his uniform jacket off.

“Actually, no,” Stiles gets off his bed, “I can’t be in this uniform any longer.” That earns him a snicker from everyone. The pack got to get in comfy clothes, he should be allowed to as well. He quickly grabs some pajamas and runs into their bathroom. Changed and much more at ease, Stiles drops the dirty clothes in the hamper and rejoins the Alpha. “Sorry, guys.”

“You’re fine,” Brett says, propping his arm on the spark’s bent knee. The touch instantly warms and calms him despite every other time. The spark doesn’t want to think about what that means. Not at all. “You already met Donovan.”

“Who’s still really sorry, by the way,” the Beta winces through a smile. “I hope you’re not still pissed about that.”

Stiles is still a little weary, but he knows that it ultimately came from a good place. “Just don’t do it again and we’re good.”

“No problem.”

“Sorry,” Isaac points between them, “what have I missed?”

“Donovan was keeping tabs on Stiles,” Brett explains. “From the bushes.”

The girl on the bed groans, “dude!”

Isaac rubs his face, “what the hell, bro?”

“It’s fine. I handled it,” the spark cuts in before the wolf can lose his mind. He knows all about Malia and probably quickly realized how well the situation with his packmated turned out. “So did Brett,” Stiles adds.

The hand on his shin squeezes lightly, “I’ve got you.” Surely the others heard even though it was whispered to him. But the others act as if they haven’t heard a thing. “That’s Mason,” he points to the dark-skinned boy next to Liam. “He’s a spark.” He knows that already, but it’s nice to finally put a face to the name.

“It’s nice to meet another spark,” Mason waves at him.

“For sure,” Stiles agrees. “Maybe we can teach each other a thing or two.”

The other spark snickers, “probably more you than me. From what I hear, you’re brilliant.”

“Yes, I talk about my best friend, deal with it,” Isaac says at the look Stiles shot at him.

“I’m Lori,” the girl pipes up before the Alpha can.

“My sister,” Brett grumbles, patting his leg. To remind Stiles he’s there and that the spark is allowing the touching again or he’s restless? Looking between the two, he can see the similarities. Makes sense now why she was willing to give up her seat for him.

The she-wolf smiles at him, “if it makes you feel any better, Isaac isn’t the only one. I’ve heard plenty about you. I feel like I know you already.”

“Lori,” Brett growls in warning.

She laughs, “what? Someone needs to knock you down a peg or two.”

“I like you,” Stiles tells her with a grin, overjoyed at the fact that Brett finally seems embarrassed for once.

Things calm down after that. Everyone is talking and getting along. Brett’s hand never leaves some part of him, constant contact that the spark kind of doesn’t mind. It’s actually really nice to be around the pack. Stiles might even be able to get used to it.

#teen wolf #briles #stiles stilinski #brett talbot #brett x stiles #stiles x brett #ao3 fic #Match Writes

[ofmermaidstories]

One of my favourite quotes about trauma comes from a review of Gerald’s Game, by Steven Lloyd Wilson.

The secret of trauma is that there is only one trauma, he writes. And so whenever we confront horror again, we relive the old horrors in parallel. Every pain, every startling jolt, every surge of fear, and the same scenes play out in our mind’s eye.

It captures trauma perfectly—how it repeats. How hard that can make things. In many—in most—ways, it applies to grief as well.

I think there’s no question that there’s something inherently wonderful and needed about the melodrama we allow ourselves in our stories—in our fanfiction, specifically. Stories where beloved husbands get another woman pregnant, and it’s our main character, our stand-in, that’s punished for it. Involved in a car crash to make him coming running back, or tripping down the stairs where we get amnesia and don’t remember him, or held at gun-point by a villain we’ll eventually come to love. Stories where someone has to make a Sophie’s Choice about who to save, and picks the wrong person and the one we’re rooting for leaps off a cliff regardless. Stories where our stand-in kisses someone they love goodbye, for the last time, and don’t even know it.

Melodrama’s healthy, especially when you’re exploring it in the right ways—like through fiction. Like any other human, you learn what you like and what you don’t and what you will tolerate and what you won’t and you, ideally, tailor your online experience accordingly, where you can. You’ll never be able to fully account for other people and sometimes you might see something that makes you go, oh, but—for the most part, it’s easy to dodge things.

I’ve seen a lot of grief on my varying timelines, over the past few days. A lot of melodrama, a lot of venting. Theorising. People writing fics, tailoring it however they need to to make it fit their ship or niche. I’ve read some of it, sympathised, skimmed others. I like to believe I’m a fairly generous reader—but there’s a few tropes and topics I am incredibly picky with, viciously picky with, because so very often you can tell, instantly, who is writing melodrama for the fun—and who is sitting with something they need to sit with, who sees it. Neither form of writing is bad—it literally comes down to a matter of taste. You get exposed to enough of it from both sides, and you learn what works for you—and what doesn’t. Some stories are safe spaces for you to get the catharsis you need—and some just open up old wounds. As the Wilson quote says, the secret of trauma, of grief, is that there is only one trauma—one grief. It could go for a lot of what we write. There’s only one love—there’s only one heartbreak.

If this is it for Bakugou, then I don’t mind. I’ve seen a lot of opinions about his death—if it’s permanent, if it can be reversed, if it will be reversed. I’ve seen the dismissals, the earned distrust, the frustration. But none of it matters—not to me. Because for all the melodrama, the cosplaying, this is what grief is—sudden and unsatisfying. An ending. We were given the courtesy of being warned about it’s possibility, in earlier chapters. You don’t always get the foreshadowing, in real life.

The first week of August is always—an interesting one. It’s warm during the days, and icy cold at night. A handful of years ago it would’ve been a countdown. For the most part now days, it’s just August again.

The review of Gerald’s Game ends on a hopeful note. This is a story that understands that part of horror, Wilson says, about how trauma repeats. And for all that horror, it is fundamentally a story of deeply earnest hope and optimism. Because the scars might never fade, but maybe there is hope that they won’t always be chains.

#cw: grief/mourning #MHA spoilers #MHA manga spoilers #you are holding onto a nameless grief: merms sad hours #勝己 さようなら

[euphorial-docx]

i found this very old post in my drafts so i’m posting it now:

okay so i’m reading ernesto by umberto saba because apparently saba is very popular in italy and from is trieste (where my grandma is from so i thought “hey, might as well check it out!”) and i have some scattered thoughts…

it reminds me of call me by your name, which is both great and alarming.

first and foremost: i have both read cmbyn and seen the movie. i am halfway through ernesto currently, but i have not seen the 70s adaptation. if anyone knows where to find that, and if it’s even worth watching, let me know!

my first thought during the first conversation in the very first chapter of ernesto was “wow, this is exactly like call me by your name.” i even searched online to see if cmbyn was inspired by ernesto, but i couldn’t find anything substantial.

(however, with all the similarities, andre aciman had to be aware of ernesto’s existence.)

the thing is, i didn’t like the book call me by your name. i don’t understand why people love it so much. i found it very strange, very boring, deeply uncomfortable during many occasions, and somehow extremely long despite being less than 300 pages. to put it simply: it wasn’t a fun experience for me and i am happy to never pick it up again.

(side note: elio looking at the shit oliver just took made me want to throw myself out a window. genuinely what the fuck was that?)

but the cmbyn movie? i have problems with it too, of course, but i do love it (mostly for aesthetics, music, and acting… story? not so much, but that ties back into me not liking the book).

and somehow, someway, i like ernesto.

cmbyn and ernesto are so similar, yet i like ernesto way more.

both deal with the same things: a young man on the cusp of adulthood who loves music and literature starts a sexual/romantic relationship with an older man, discovers himself sexually as he comes of age, all the while being in northern italy. they sound like the same book, right?

but there is something so honest about ernesto, which i can only assume comes from the circumstances in which it was written. umberto saba wrote it near the end of his life. he didn’t even finish the book, because he was too unwell, and he ended up literally just telling the reader the ending when he felt he couldn’t adequately write any more. it was also semi-autobiographical, and it shows. the book (so far) unravels naturally. his writing style takes some getting used to, but it sure is engaging.

and to get it out of the way: of course the age gaps in both mediums unsettle me.

and on the topic of the age gap, specifically in ernesto: maybe this is wrong of me, but i’m more inclined to be last harsh about it with ernesto because the story is, in part, real. it is a very personal story to saba. he didn’t even intend for anybody to read it, he even says so in the book (i remember reading on the first page, i believe: “if this book even has readers”). it feels more real than fictional. and i do feel bad that that kind of relationship potentially happened to saba (one where he (a 16 year old) and a man (24-ish) were together sexually), even if saba hadn’t seen it as wrong.

and i never finished my thought so now for future me to finish it:

my opinions on ernesto remain pretty much the same. i think it’s a beautiful novel and i’ll always be wishing umberto saba could’ve finished it in his own way, in his own time. i would’ve liked to see everything he had planned.

i highly recommend reading it! it’s been a while since i read it, but i remember it being oddly immersive for how concise his writing style was. ernesto was a fun character to follow and very easy to like and want to follow.

and again, if anyone knows where to watch the 70s movie adaptation, let me know!! i’m still interested in checking it out!

[shaadelyfe]

Hope is a strong word that can mean so many things: hope for the better, the worst, to be rich, to be happy, to feel fulfilled, to be an amazing athlete, to feel whole again……. My definition of hope begins with what can you achieve in a realistic mindset. Can you become the better man that you want to be for yourself or for others? I HOPE I can.

Over the past couple of years, it has been difficult to comprehend what the realistic outcome of any change would be. With the onset of the pandemic the whole world felt distant from each other. We no longer had the social interaction I so desperately needed, and it became the perfect storm that took my life on another path. I felt tired. My health was in disarray. I was complacent in what I had in front of me. I felt worthless and just a cog in the wheel. I worried night and day about when “normal” would come back. When would I feel the self-worth I was so desperately trying to achieve? I felt no hope at all. Hope-LESS

After years of tormenting myself in anxiety and depression, I’d say that hope eventually found me…and not in the best way. My body ached and I had sleepless nights. I felt so worn down and unhappy with my appearance I wanted to give up. I would be better off gone, I thought. But then, with a glimmer of hope I didn’t see in myself, my wife pushed/pleaded/insisted to get a physical. This is something I hadn’t done in over 15 years. Drumroll…..the bad news. Your liver is shot, kidneys a mess, cholesterol high and on the verge of diabetes, nerve problems, weight beyond reasonable, loss of memory, potential of cancer in your blood, and the list kept going. I saw more doctors and specialists over 3 months than I had in my entire life (not to mention all the blood work).  I was 34….

That’s when HOPE reached out and saved my life.

Most people equate this to “the lightbulb turned on” notion. NO, mine was DO or DIE (physically or mentally). I did the tests, I then knew that if I didn’t change my behaviors and thoughts on both sides: I wouldn’t see my children grow up and they wouldn’t have a father I always wanted to be (irreparable), I’d be a bad partner and not commit to our vows for over 16 years (cowardly), I’d be a disappointment to my family and continuation of past experiences (guilt/recurrence), I’d be the pity of conversation with friends (embarrassment), I’d be the “guy” that couldn’t get over his own securities to save his life and the emotions of those around him (self-guilt).

Everything stated above was flowing through my head. Weird to think that with all that doubt and contradiction, end of life was still a thought. That’s #mental

It took time to calm down, but i knew that was the only way. Do some meditation, read some positive books (thanks Headway), workout to clear my mind. Most importantly, address my addiction with alcohol. I might not remember the exact day, but the day I chose to live for myself is the only reason I’m writing this today. My “light bulb turn ON”! From that day forward, while not always easy, I started applying the #mentalwork needed to be there for all those that needed me too. As an emotional person I think about the aftereffects “If” I were to do something selfish before doing so. I wish others would’ve done the same, but inner voices get you and they can’t overcome. I chose the feelings of those around me as a catalyst to be better. Get healthy, be present, seek help, feel the power of self-worth, work harder, appreciate what you have, HOPE to do better.

### This was a long story on my progression for HOPE and the possibilities, awareness, and simple therapeutic outlet I chose to explore, but more will come. My journey as of 1-2-2023 equates to: 45lbs lighter, anxiety reduced by action, bigger belief in self-worth, deeper understanding of HOPE, and my choice to exceed expectations.

Sadness.Hope.Anxiety.Addiction.Depression.Expectations

#self love #mental health #hope #inspiration #mens mental health #shaadelyfe

[submitforher]

it's crazy, i wish you knew how much further you pull me in with every single message you write for me.

i hope the past week has treated you well, my angel. i've had quite an amazing week actually, i got some really exciting news about what i'll be doing for the next couple years (sorry for being vague >< i'm shy in case someone i know somehow worked out who i am) but also it's my birthday soon! but i hope you had an even better week, and know that i've been thinking of you. to hear you say you're yearning makes my head spin a little, in a good way of course. and makes me wish we were even closer, able to talk always. you make my heart flip around in my chest.

and it's okay to be reserved! i think i'm actually quite the same in real life, and you are a kind of exception that i've allowed myself. i think your words are so beautiful, about how you think of me. it really touches my heart. and also makes me feel better for thinking of you in the same way. wondering what you're doing at different times of the day, what your average week looks like. just the little things i guess. ^^ i promise one day i will tell you all the answers you want. keep that heart racing for me too, my cute angel.

you always make me feel a little crazy when you say things were meant for me. it really shifts the whole listening experience to another level. it makes me want to listen to those parts forever. but don't tire yourself out too much. <3 so cute. i'll be waiting for the next ones eagerly and i hope i can continue to inspire.

- 🐻

i think we pull in each other with our messages to one another. there’s nothing that means more to me than a message from my baby bear. nothing.

the past week for me was like any other week for like the past month - busy, busy, busy. i’m not going to be here for like a week because i’m going to minnesota with my dad and uncle to help them with fixing some things here and there at my grandma’s house before it gets sold. i was informed about this like the other day? i’ve never been to minnesota before but it’s going to be bittersweet for me to see where my grandma grew up. we’re going to be driving there this friday. i’d like to know more about this week you had though and what it is that you have lined up for the next couple of years but i fully understand if you can’t openly talk about it without you being identified. you’re not going to tell me when your birthday is either for that reason but i’d like to wish you an early happy birthday! another year with my baby bear and hopefully more that i get to have you in my life. i’ve been thinking of you too, that’s why i thought of you when i was recording those audios. it’s a way for me to feel closer to you without you being here but if i could talk to you for hours on end, that’d make my heart run in circles.

you’re the exception for me too because i get so utterly weak whenever i get to talk to you. i’m glad that you think of me how i think of you because i would’ve felt bad if it was one-sided. even though we’re both reserved in our own lives, we seem to open up more with each other and i think that’s such a heart-warming thing. we feel safe to be ourselves with each other, to try things together. i’m not that interesting in real life but i assure that wherever i am in my life, i’m thinking of you. ‘til the end of time.

whether it’s the thoughts that i have that i post on here or the audios that i record, it’s meant for you. listen to them over and over again because i was thinking of my baby bear while recording them. those pathetic whimpers and lewd noises are because of you. between your words and how you talk to me, my mind is filled with nothing but thoughts of you.

#🐻 baby bear.

[the-bookie-monster-ph]

All the Bright Places, Jennifer Niven

Synopsis:

Theodore Finch is fascinated by death, and he constantly thinks of ways he might kill himself. But each time, something good, no matter how small, stops him.

Violet Markey lives for the future, counting the days until graduation, when she can escape her Indiana town and her aching grief in the wake of her sister’s recent death.

When Finch and Violet meet on the ledge of the bell tower at school, it’s unclear who saves whom. And when they pair up on a project to discover the “natural wonders” of their state, both Finch and Violet make more important discoveries: It’s only with Violet that Finch can be himself—a weird, funny, live-out-loud guy who’s not such a freak after all. And it’s only with Finch that Violet can forget to count away the days and start living them. But as Violet’s world grows, Finch’s begins to shrink.

This is an intense, gripping novel perfect for fans of Jay Asher, Rainbow Rowell, John Green, Gayle Forman, and Jenny Downham from a talented new voice in YA, Jennifer Niven.

Review:

I want to begin by clearing the air: I have very conflicting feelings about this book, in that I love parts of it, and others not so much. Also, this is going to be—and it is—a lengthy article. So if you’re not exactly up to that, you can read the next paragraph and just jump straight to the second-to-the-last one.

All the Bright Places is a thoughtful, provocative tale about mental illness and teenagers, speckled with bons mots. And though it has off-putting turns, it is poignant all the same. Jennifer Niven has written people. Not just mere characters but actual people, with actual emotions, actual stories, actual battles. So painfully real it left me in a trance after closing the last page.

The novel switches between perspectives from Finch and Violet. And if you do anything, do not attempt to find out what Finch’s problem is before diving in. I made this mistake (I didn’t research; I was listening to a podcast and bam!) and it marked a substantial difference. Because I imagine it would’ve been more excruciatingly gripping to guess what’s the matter with him. See, Theodore Finch is interesting. He’s compulsive and at times reckless but funny and endearing, to boot. He slips into momentary pretentiousness but that only renders him more charming. Early on, it’s apparent there’s something amiss. And with each passing chapter, the tension only accumulates. I’ve often hear people describe a character as someone who “jumps off the page/screen” and this is a spot-on description for Theodore Finch. Then there’s Violet Markey who—this is not a spoiler—suffers from PTSD. She’s using her sister’s death as a wall around her. I’ve read quite a few books about depression to gather that while for outsiders it looks easy—get out more, talk to someone, get over yourself—it’s really hard to move past the black slug. And this is the main thing about Violet; she acknowledges the world outside her wall but she’s waist-deep the black slug.

Another thing that sets All the Bright Places apart is the nuanced backstories. The bad guy isn’t just a bad guy and the good guy isn’t just a good guy. Plus, the parents are present. There’s something to be said of parental roles in young adult fiction and Niven captures the two sides of the spectrum with an informed tone. There is this one harrowing scene, which I hope no one has to experience ever, that sent a sick punch in my guts. And then you get to the author’s note and it’s a whole new level of visceral reaction.

I have issues with the romance department. And I don’t want to be the person who argues that love isn’t necessary in this one but I’m gonna be that person. Because and especially because it has a beginning I do not buy. It felt like it was somehow forced coming from Finch’s viewpoint. I also think the later parts drag. Of course I want closure but I think it still could’ve been achieved a few pages shorter. Albeit, I’m being highly subjective in here. I’m not saying Niven did wrong. It’s her novel. It’s Finch and Violet’s story. The author has every right.

For fans of John Green (yes, the blurb got this one right), you want to read this one. All the Bright Places does a great service to this ever shifting and vibrant community by talking about a topic that most people would much rather prefer not to talk about and it’s for this reason that I’m grateful Jennifer Niven had her YA debut.

#all the bright places #jennifer niven

[seraphdreams]

take another hit.

✯stoner! armin arlert x fem! reader

contains - modern/college au, weed use, edging, dacryphilia, praise, dry humping, finger sucking,

“take another hit” armin says with a chuckle, resting his head in his hands while looking at the way you inhaled the herb between your lips. he wouldn’t admit it, but that’s when you’re the prettiest; head fuzzy and nothing coming out of you but short giggles.

his car was starting to fog up at the smoke and increasing the temperature inside. eren was supposed to be there with you but he got too caught up in a college party not too far from your apartment, where armin’s car is parked. you didn’t really prefer the party scene rather than just spending as much time with your boyfriend.

after passing the blunt back to armin, you grab the crisp, cold water bottle from the cup holder. the feeling of the liquid sliding down your throat like much needed relief. “armin? were your eyes always this blue?” you say to him, a half smile on your face. he looked back with his ocean colored orbs tinted with that pretty red of a high.

he chuckles, finishing off the blunt then saving the end. the high finally settles in his body, watching your face, eyebrows quirked as you awaited his answer.

“yeah, were you ever this gorgeous?”

there’s a small pause, you admiring his smile and the way his eyes lid with nothing more than pure desire. you try to stop yourself from squeezing your thighs together, ridding yourself of the arousal that’s building inside of you.

“what’s up? bad high?” armin asks, taking notice of your movements. after a moment or two, it finally registered in his mind what you really wanted. he leans in closer to you, taking your hands from your lap into his own.

“oh. i know what it is” he whispers, his lips centimeters away from yours. you feel the heat rushing to your cheeks from his proximity. he pulls away, looking at you with clouded intent. “arminnnn” you whine, upset that he “ruined” the moment.

“why don’t we go inside?” he questions, jerking his head to the side. you inhale deeply before moving to open the car door, armin mirroring your actions.

it was a matter of time, once you got inside, before armin drags you to your bedroom. you were just lucky you decided to clean up earlier that day. once you’re on your laid out on the bed, he crawls over you, hovering above your face.

he crashes his lips onto yours and holds your wrists above you. he drinks in your whines while using his tongue to taste yours. it’s already bad enough that his smell was so fresh mixed in with the earthy and strong scent of weed, but the arousal inside you was growing stronger and stronger with each swipe of his tongue.

he breaks away, reattaching his lips to the skin on your neck and sucking harshly. his bites and kisses trail down to your chest, where he doesn’t hesitate to help you remove your top. “armin!” you snap at his eagerness when he removes your bra and cups your breasts.

“ah, i’m sorry—just couldn’t wait” he apologizes, eyes transfixed on your chest. he takes one of your tits in his mouth while flicking and pinching at the other in his hand. the pleasure shoots straight to your cunt while you try to conceal moans and whimpers.

he notices the way you squirm under him. thinking of a solution, he spreads your legs with his knee, lodging himself in between, rutting his hard, clothed cock onto your clothing clad clit.

“armin, feels—feels good!” you pant, coming to wrap your arms around his shoulders. he groans in response to your moans before releasing one of your breasts and replacing it with the other. he feels himself getting closer with the way he grinds on you, too caught up in making sure you’re feeling good.

he continues his ministrations, pretty blue eyes lock on yours while you feel yourself about to release. “armin...wait..ar-“ you cum before you can even finish your whiny pants. he soon follows suit, cumming in his black jeans.

“damn” he says as he releases your breast with a soft pop.

he removes your bottoms along with your underwear before he does the same to himself. he collects your essence with two fingers, watching how it glistens and stretches on his digits.

“god, you’re so wet”. his voice comes out as a low moan. you take notice of his thick cock. how it’s flushed a dark pink and dribbling out precum mixed with his previous orgasm.

he aligns his dick with your slit, prodding a few times before slowly sinking in. you couldn’t help but hold your breath when it slipped in so nice, him finally bottoming inside you. “let me know when you’re ready”. you nod your head when you feel ready, comfortable for him to move inside you.

his strokes began slow, searching for your sweet spot. his hips rolled into yours softly as he looks down at you with an adoring look. you couldn’t help but squeeze your eyes tighter at the feeling of his fat cock stretching you out.

you grab ahold of his shoulder, digging into the muscular flesh. he speeds up his pace and folds your legs over with a grunt. the way he was thrusting into you nearly knocked the wind out of you.

the only coherent words you could form were, “armin too much!” and “‘s too big!”. that all familiar feeling stirs up in your core again, threatening to get tighter and tighten.

you feel your cunt about to flutter until, it stops.

the pleasure you were feeling, the high you were oh so close to achieving—gone.

you look up at him with a lidded and pouty gaze. “why-why’d you stop?” you question, tears starting to trickle in your eyes. he reaches his hand out to rub against your cheeks, thumb swiping over your plump, soft lips.

“don’t want you coming just yet, baby”.

you melt into his touch, nodding your pretty little head at his words.

after a brief pause, he continues his movements, crashing into you just as he did before. your legs were a shaking mess and the way he angled his cock against your walls, only made them worse.

his blond locks fanned over his face, eyes almost closed from his high and lust. each thrust made you jolt, and that white hot feeling from before comes right back to you.

you grip the sheets beneath you, rocking your hips along with his. the angle and the way his dick curved inside you had you seeing stars

and then—it was gone again.

this time, the tears began to flow. he looks at you with much pity. “i know, baby. i know”. the way he dotes on you only makes you want to be pliant with him more.

you felt the soreness in your walls when he picked up his pace again. it wasn’t like you wanted to go through this a third time, but the way he was fucking you—with much passion and care, cleared your mind of those thoughts.

“you feel, so—good” armin grunts between thrusts, throwing his head back and groaning at the feeling of your warm head sucking him in each time. you could help but whine back.

almost unexpectedly, your climax builds up. you were practically begging for armin to let you have this one, this one release.

the way he uses his hips, stroking deep into your cunt has you seeing white when you finally cum. the experience would’ve been so much better, if it weren’t for the slight pain of overstimulation as he aims for his high.

“fuck, baby please. let me cum inside you” he groans. and after a few hard and sloppy thrusts he does just that. you both wait for a while catching your breaths.

he finally pulls out his softening cock before stuffing two fingers in your cunt. he collects his cum along with the mix of yours before he raises it to your lips.

“clean them off for me” he demands, but with a hint of politeness backing him.

you take his fingers in your mouth, sucking and sliding over them, doing your best to clean him up.

“there you go—good girl”.

tags - @onyxoverride @fiaficsxo @dxtemi @sleepyrintaro

#armin smut #armin x reader #armin x reader smut #armin arlert smut #armin arlert x reader #armin arlert x reader smut #armin x you #armin x y/n #armin headcanons #armin imagine #armin arlert x you #armin arlert x y/n #attack on titan armin #aot armin #armin aot #snk armin #armin snk #aot smut #snk smut #aot headcanons #aot x reader #aot x reader smut #snk x reader #snk x reader smut #armin attack on titan #attack on titan smut #shingeki no kyojin smut #attack on titan x reader #shingeki no kyoujin x reader #armin shingeki no kyojin

[meltwonu]

11. “I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

22. “Mine.”

78. “I don’t care what you do just fuck me.”

notes; racer!au/street-racing!au, the smallest hint of dom!joshua, inexperienced!reader, corruption kink, road head, dirty talk! Sorry I changed it a bit from biker josh to street racing josh! Still the same concept tho hehe 😉 💕 we love a bad boy Joshua moment 🥴😌 I’m rly excited about racer au u guys 😩 altho depending on how long it takes to get thru this cycle and if I have to take any breaks, I might need to do a schedule change when it gets closer October to prep for halloween month monster fuckin fics ☠️ more on that later 💕 As always, thank you sooooooo much for requesting! enjoy! 💕

*queued post

The first time Joshua took you on a date, it was a quiet dinner at 9PM before he’d taken you to a midnight street race that he’d taken part in.

You stood by the passenger’s side; eyes wide at the way everyone swooned over him as soon as he stepped out of the driver’s seat.

‘It’s not a big deal to be honest, it’s pretty fun.’ He’d said; hand gliding through his soft hair as your mouth hung agape, ‘The biggest hurdle is not getting caught.’

He was right - the thrill of the blue and red lights chasing after the two of you down the hillside at 2AM and Joshua’s nonchalant smirk as he barreled down the road had you panties wet every time.

And tonight was no different.

This time you’d eased into the passenger’s seat of his car before the race had started; Joshua’s brow raising as you buckled your seatbelt.

“Oh? I’m surprised you wanna be in the front row this time, baby.”

You smile gently, cheeks warm as you melt at the way he looks you up and down from the driver’s seat. “Um, y-yeah, I just--I thought it’d be a different experience than always waiting for you a-at the finish line, is all…”

Your panties stick to you like a second skin as you squirm slightly in your seat and Joshua revs the car a few times before he maneuvers the car right to the starting line.

“Hmm… Is that so? ‘Cause you’ve been lookin’ at me differently all night, baby. I think there’s something else you want~”

“W-what? No--No, I haven’t!” You reply panickedly; hands gripping the seatbelt for dear life as he chuckles.

“Are you sure? Because for once it looks like you’re the one who wants to eat me up instead of the other way around… Not that I’m complaining. I think it’s cute and I’m kinda gettin’ hard already just thinkin’ about what I wanna do to you~”

From the outside, Jun saunters up to the start line as he yells for both racers to get ready - hands in the air about to start the race as you try to find the words to say.

“Are your panties all wet thinkin’ about my hand up your cute ‘lil skirt last time, hmm? Me making you cum in your panties by just touching you a little bit… Who would’ve thought you’d get off while the cops were chasing us. You’re actually such a bad girl, aren’t you?”

‘Get set, GO!’

Joshua takes off in a heartbeat as you gasp at the intense rumbling from the car; the trees all a blur as the two of you fly past them in haste.

“You know, I always wanted to try road head, if you’re up for it~”

You know you don’t have a lot of time.

“Fuck, for someone who’s never done this before, you’re so fuckin’ good at it, baby…” He mutters from above you just as you sink your mouth down around his cock - lips stretching around his thick shaft in the mildly awkward position over the center console.

But Joshua doesn’t mind and doesn’t let it distract him from the point at hand as he switches gears and barrels down the hillside even faster than he ever has before.

“Did you get wet like this every single time I brought you out here?” You hum around his cock; hollowing out your cheeks and working your mouth up and down slowly.

“Mm, I would’ve wanted this to be a ‘lil more romantic than this for your first time suckin’ my cock but I won’t complain… Your mouth feels so fuckin’ good, baby… I can’t wait to feel what your pretty ‘lil pussy feels like around my cock too.”

You clench around emptiness as you whine around his girth - suddenly feeling extremely empty as the desire to be filled by Joshua’s cock only grows stronger with each passing second he’s filling your mouth.

He drifts around a bend in the road that has you momentarily pulling off of him as you sputter and peer up at him - lips wet and covered in precum as he meets your teary eyes for a fluttering millisecond.

“You look good like that,” He grits out, “Fuck, the way I’d ruin you right now if I could.”

“J--Joshua… My--my….” He sees you from the corner of his eye as you reach a hand between your own legs; your inner thighs covered in wetness as you mewl when you run your fingertips over your soaked panties.

“I didn’t know you were so sensitive, baby~ Such a bad girl sucking my cock like this and getting wet from it~”

You let out a soft cry before you’re wrapping your lips around his cock again, except this time, you keep your fingertips gliding against the wet fabric of your panties as you tease yourself in tandem with teasing him with your mouth.

“Oh, fuck…” Joshua groans, “I wanna cum down your pretty ‘lil throat~”

You rub soft circles around your clit from over your panties; the friction hardly enough for you to get off just yet. 

“Such a filthy ‘lil thing... What would all your friends think of you knowing you’re sucking my cock like this, hmm? Sucking your boyfriend’s cock in the middle of a street race while you touch yourself and try to get yourself off with my cock lodged down your throat.” He licks his lips, eyeing the finish line before checking his rear view mirror for Seokmin’s car trailing close behind. 

“This is just the beginning too~ I still have so much to show you, baby~ Especially the backseat of my car... Hah, you’d look so pretty with your legs spread wide for me while I fucked you back there~” 

His words are enough for another gush of wetness to soak into your ruined panties and all you can do in response is moan around his cock and try to take more of him down your throat as you fight your gag reflex. 

“Oh~ For the next race I think we’re going for the hill with a lot of bumps in the road... How about I have you keep a toy in that pretty ‘lil pussy and watch you lose it in the passenger’s seat of my car, hmm? I bet it’d feel so good~”

He feels his cock throbbing in your mouth the closer he gets to the finish line - in both aspects. 

But it's the way you pull off of his cock; tongue lapping at his thick girth from base to tip before you’re sucking on the head like a lollipop. 

“I don’t care what you do, just fuck me.” You groan; voice hoarse and throat stinging. “My pussy is so w-wet, Joshua... I, ah, feel s-so empty down h-here... Don’t you want to make me t-take your cock in the backseat...? I need it s-so bad...” 

Joshua's car crosses the finish line only seconds before Seokmin’s does and the cheering from the outside only lasts a few seconds before the familiar blue and red lights are swarming the hillside and he’s cursing under his breath. 

“You fuckin’ little minx. Once we’re out of sight from everyone, your pussy is mine. Got it? Mine.” 

He’s eerily quiet as you stay bent over his lap; the urge to get the two of you out of sight fueling his adrenaline as his car screeches around another bend in the road. 

“I hope you’re ready to learn what it’s like to really go for a ride, baby.”

#Joshua smut #seventeen smut #svt smut #Joshua scenarios #Joshua imagines #seventeen imagines #svt imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt scenarios #Joshua fic #Joshua hong