#but the more i think about my degree rn and the more i think about the future im just like fuck. man i do not wanna do this for the rest of

[startrekin-it]

Woke up last night with two hypos that i barely had the brain activity to fix, and i no longer own Jelly Babies. Desperately hoping we don’t have a repeat performance

#i am at my limit #diabetes #im so fog brained and miserable rn #just gotta do my dissertation and then i can think about being a normale person who interacts with people again #i feel like I am rotting interally right now #i dont care about my degree #i dont care about an awful lot at the moment in terms of my own wellbeing outside of the diabetes #im quite frankly failing at socially interacting regularly enough that im going to start crying about it #and all in all i would say i am not having a good time rn #but on the PLUS side i have a job now #job = more dr pepper to cope 🙏

[jakejeffreyperalta]

girls when they realize that they can't really study the subjects they like in the future because it has literally no profitable careers and in this day and age money is more preferable than having a career you geniuenly enjoy

#me at 12 years old after watching dps and someome told me that i could do literally absolutely nothing with an english degree except teach #most of my interests are in things that wont earn you a lot of money/only career is in teachiny #so now i have to find thinys that i can do and still earn money from #thinking about going into organizational or space psychology bc if you get employed in a big company ur set foe life #and all you have to do is be there for them and try not to make the company go into loss #seems fun #inly thinking btw idek how many careers there are #plus if i yave to do psychology i would prefer a degree abroad because rn there qre a lot more jobs you can get outside my country

[forestofsprites]

i think potentially the funniest thing i'll be doing with this degree is going and living in the woods about it

#between the state of my health and what brings me feasible joy #i just want to be rural again #working at my local library #last semester i had energy for masters and secondary degrees but for the time being i just want to be #not in a city and not stuck in western academia #when i think about what i want to be doing when i die #it's being in the woods. it's working locally. it's making local impact #and maybe after a few years of this if my health plateaus kindly for me i'll rethink more degrees #maybe go online and do the online BEd program #but rn #it's woods and library #idc that i'm good at this or wanted for their masters programs it's wonderful and a joy #but i'm also great in the woods. and i'm great with kids. and i'm great at working in libraries

[gaytobymeres]

i think the point of a university-level education is a bit lost on some of my course mates...

#things are not going to be spoon fed to you you will have to do your own research #seek out your own education guided by lectures and assignments #relish that freedom instead of lamenting it!! #some of these assignments are actually good and ive been able to tailor them to my interests #like rn im learning about the uses of bracken in ancient scotland! #i just did a whole project on tomato grafting (i love solanaceae - tomato family) and whilst it was hard i did enjoy reading about it #we had some mini essays to research and they were so interesting to research and fun to write because one of them was a comparing two #articles and one of them was really bad so it was fun to rip it to shreds and actually apply the knowledge we've been accumulating in class #but i think the point of doing all this is lost on some of them #which is a real shame #maybe im just a nerd? #i very much have the benefit of doing a degree before this so maybe im being harsh #but saying that assessments suck doesnt make them any more interesting #also we have so much free reign over topic that if it sucks it's kind of on you a lil bit #though i will admit some of the assignments are stupid

[steelycunt]

FINAL MIDBLOCK ESSAY DONE!! I AM FREE!!

#FINALLY. have not been able to relax for like a month that’s the thing about the due dates being so far apart it’s great because you’ve got #more time but it also means everything just. lasts longer. anyway! done now. this one perhaps not my best work but it was harder than i #expected…my us government one will be rough but what else do you expect from 1500 words..and then my theory essay..my best hope for a good #grade perhaps…but we’ll see. the next lot aren’t due until january but im gonna start thinking about them now so im less busy over christmas #insane that that’s not too terrible a thought. uni is crazy when you actually enjoy your degree. anyway! for now i am going to enjoy the #rest of my weekend at home n me and my mum are going out tomorrow n im gonna buy some books with the voucher i haven’t spent since my #birthday in february and ill finally have time to finish the book im reading rn AND to do some writing..start chapter 2 : ^ ) #woohoo!! aware no one gaf about any of this but i am first and foremost always the audience for my own posts so. this one’s for me.. #(ridi's) bigmouth strikes again

[pepprs]

ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do

#purrs #i cant drop out or anything because. lol and this class isnt even that big of a deal like i TRULY am freaking out over nothing. but my life #situation is so bad rn bro like i cant get my parents to take me out to drive and i cant get myself to get my parents to take me out to #drive and every day i am guilt tripped berated etc etc and i feel like i am never ever ever going to be able to have my own life where i a #stable and safe and happy. it can happen for other people except for me and my siblings. i dont know. im not explaining anything well. #i just cant do this. i need to not have this one more thing on my plate but i have to because if i dont have a masters degree in my field i #am nothing even though everyone is telling me that isnt true and all of them are credible but im just so mentally ill i cant believe anyone #and icant accept any advice or hope or whatever good about me i just. am stuck. this is as good as it gets and its not even good. #delete later #that was 7 minutes not 4 and i didnt even write anything substantial. nutshell. i just have been so fucking depressed lately oh my goddddd #this is maybe too strong of a thing to say but like. i know it isnt technically neglect if i am an adult but... i think i may kind of be #neglected by my family in some ways a little bit and always have been but like. emotionally. like in the ways in which im never a priority #and the things i need are seen as burdens etc etc. and theres nothing anyone can do about it even myself because im an adult but like lol. #24 year old dependent moment <3 #well there is one thing i can do about it as an adult actually. its called move out. but that requires strength i will #never possess unfortunately due to the inherent flaws in my character and constitution so. guess this is it lawl 🥰 #side note (and i swear im done after this lol): i think i was doing a lot better mentally over the summer. funny how when the semester #starts i get depressed and the depression just gets worse and worse until the end of the semester 😻 funny how this is my seventh year like #this. willingly subjecting myself to this. that should be a clue no? but i love my job and if i could just have my job and be stable in it #would be happier but also im lying to mysaelf and i will always be unhappy but its because of my mental illness not my job being bad or #anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol #well that and the not moving out thing which is partially my fault but also because i live in hell as described earlier! <3

[thedeadthree]

— WHAT IS AT THE CORE OF YOUR OC?

the darling @chuckhansen, @unholymilf, @risingsh0t, @yennas, @aceghosts, @florbelles, @belorage, @adelaidedrubman, @roofgeese and @dihardys tagged me to take this loveliest uquiz for the dears! ty so much you all are so sweet <3

TAGGING: @griffin-wood, @bloodofvalyria, @queennymeria, @jackiesarch, @aartyom, @stormveils, @pearlcscent, @marivenah, @confidentandgood, @shellibisshe, @swordcoasts, @multiverse-of-themind, @loriane-elmuerto and you!

FRACTURED GLASS

no amount of orchestrated class is ever going to hide the fact that you’re doomed to be alone. you’re a puppet, you’re a weapon, but most importantly? you’re a fraud. your facade isn’t malicious, but that doesn’t change a thing. everything in your life is in your control now, and you chose to let yourself become stiff and distant. you’re guilty of everything you blame yourself for, and your misfortune is the fault of nobody but yourself. your selfish nature forges you into a man-made monster, so quick to blame and so desperate to escape consequence. i hope that you can become someone you’re proud of soon.

SPUN GOSSAMER

the easiest thing to do is stay quiet when something’s up. you’re not bothered, and you know what? you shouldn’t be! it’s none of your business, even when it’s entirely your business. it’s difficult (read: impossible) to tell if your cheery demeanor is a cover-up for something sadder, or if it’s simply your natural state of mind. you see a lot of things: people coming through town, people leaving the house and never coming back, lies and deceit of the highest degree. what happened to you? will you ever be that kid again? your presence smells like cotton candy, and your fingertips sparkle like stars. whatever white rabbit you’re chasing isn’t going to lead you to wonderland if you don’t start reaching out when you’re not feeling okay.

BEHIND THE MASK

you aren’t slick about whatever you think you’re hiding. glass shatters in your midst, blood spills, children scream. like some of your friends, your personality of choice is entirely artificial. the difference between you and them is that you can get away with it. you’re unknown, perhaps even to yourself, and your goals are complex and unknown. anyone stupid enough to fall for you is setting themselves up to be frustrated and confused, owing to your being ultimately unknowable. i hope you can find an identity that makes you comfortable.

CAUTERIZING RAGE

the house has burned around you, and you’re the only one left standing. is it gratifying to be the survivor? fear and anger are weapons in your capable hands, used only to serve your agenda of fighting back when deemed necessary. you're a powerful person, built from the ashes of your despair and your family's mistakes. with time, you'll bloom into someone softer, like the full blossoms that grow each spring and wither away with the leaves in fall. they won't disappear if you take your eyes off of them. you're enough.

BENIGN CULPABILITY

everyone hates you because you are a facetious lying bitch. …kidding, i think. seriously, though! you try way too hard to look like a picturesque example of class and responsibility, but you use your position as a social butterfly to take advantage of those weaker than you. it’s rare for anything not to be your fault, and everyone thinks you’re crying wolf when you actually HAVEN’T done anything. it gets kind of tiring to have everyone on your dick all the time, but it’s less interesting to actually behave. good luck with the therapy?

#only if you want to! 🥀❣️ #oc: iovanna dayne #oc: lioslaith mac ruaidhrí #oc: sérëdhiel alfirin #oc: adda de trastamara #oc: ademarta cel tradat #ADDA? CAUTERIZING RAGE????? thisisfinethisisFINE..! i think we can all degree she deserves to lose it and go unhinged a little bit <3 #oh my god yall are right the CALLOUTS for the girls my jaw was on the FLOOR by each one? #MAR MARS BYEEEE..! even uquiz thinks you need to seek out someone to talk about that past of yours :') you are so right uquiz! #BEHIND THE MASK AND SERA BEHIND THE MASK AND SERA..! and who shes with and how that's like..... both of their thing..! screaming! #for a time her being an ally or a friend..! unbeknownst to you! you are staring down the enemy! GOD HER ANSWER IS SO <3 #okay now LISTEN HERE UQUIZ YOU :') @ lioslaith..! who gave you the RIGHT! her pretending everything is fine where! she really isn't! #leg.txt #leg.ocs #t: tag games #THIS WAS SO CUTE AHH TY TY i have to do this again soon with more clowns..! maybe the if dearies bc i miss them <3 #i need to rb an ask game so i can develop iovanna and sera these two are making me crazy rn <3 i love them so! #t: text #they really called iovanna out in this one i am so sorry my love skjnkanl..! but! her having a vice grip on her own fate! #and that she has a selfish nature in reality (that she is DEDICATED to pretend as if she doesn't!) and being cold and distant! im fine! #(and we will be here all NIGHT if i begin to yell about how that is a little TOO accurate to her and daemon kajnkxsnk <3) #maybe ill do this again with her descendant and the (possibly!) second hotd oc <3 #'facetious lying bitch' kjsanknajs AND DONT U FORGET IT <3 love that for u mar mar babe!

[scattered-winter]

seeing everyone get super emotional abt the pjo teaser today has been. a surreal experience for sure

#i WANT to be happy about it and i WANT to be emotional about it but i am just so god damn tired. im so tired. #im not even physically tired most of the time but i am Tired. you know #trying to get a job. absolutely cannot. trying to go to class. too tired to even pay attention when im there. #trying to do homework. too tired to focus on it when i do it. gonna fail more classes and to be perfectly fucking honest #i might just drop out. #i dont know what im doing here!!!!! im getting a degree for nothing!!!! im wasting time and money by being here!!!!!! #if i knew what i wanted to do and how to get there that would be one thing but im literally only here because idk where else to go #and its costing me a fuckton of money!!!!!!!!!!! that i dont have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and i am just so god damn tired. #i dont want to drop out because i dont know what to do if i did. #i cant live with my parents i Cant. its ok to do that short term but its suffocating after a while. #i cant be the person i want to be with them yk. #but i dont know where the hell else im supposed to go!!!!! i dont think im meant to be here but i dont know where else i need to be!!!!!!! #i dont fucking know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and i am just so fucking tired. so god damn exhausted at all times of the day. #like im being so fr right now i dont know what im doing here and every moment of indecision is costing me more money #im not gonna be able to pay for my second semester but i cant get a job and i dont even know what im doing here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #because im just here because you go to college after high school its what you do!!!!!!!! #i didnt choose to be here!!!!!!!!!!! i just went with the flow and now its costing me and i am broke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so broke!!!!! #someone please put me into a coma rn i am being so fr. i am being SO fr. #i want to. quit college. and go work somewhere. just a job. no more school. i dont wanna do this anymore. #hrrhhghghghhhhhh #winter speaks #personal #anyway i am slightly afraid lol because not even the pjo show can make me feel excited + happy about something #despite it being nearest and dearest to me. im just too goddamn tired. #i am not gonna lie guys losing one of my friends at the beginning of the semester has had an Effect (tm) #lol. lmaooooooo even. #there's a girl in one of my classes who looks just like her so thats sooo fun. thats great. #fucked up how grief just grows on you like moss. it doesnt leave.

[famewolf]

oh the hubris of not immediately washing the blanket I brought to our campsite ...

woke up to BUG BITES. and now spending the day washing and cleaning all our bedding since I threw the blanket on top of our bed last night

#[static] #i was just too tired and wanted to wait to do laundry lmao #also got over some of my anxiety by driving out to the mountains and back #cant tell if it's my ocd or my gad that makes me scared im going to blow a tire if i drive more than 30 minutes straight LMAO #can confirm our car did fine driving much Much farther than that lmao #it's super irrational and i know it but it doesnt stop the thought ... but often times Doing the thing that i cant stop thinking about- #-helps to a degree #im making a bit pot roast rn too! with fresh herbs from the garden #i want to lounge and play bg3 but it'll have to wait a couple more hours #also percy is playing eso and listening to celtic folk music .... i think i'll marry him again

[crybabydraws]

They just banned TikTok at my college. No school wifi for me I guess 💀

(please read the tags)

#I do not wanna think about the implications of a censor like this that was allowed and encouraged by the state atm #so that is all I am gonna say on the matter for now at least. I have too much homework to be thinking too hard about this rn #And conservatives will still say I'm living in the ''free-est state''...I hate it here 🙃 #fuck florida #fuck desantis #and fuck this tyrannical af government we have. #The censorship and attack on education here is fucking crazy. I am telling you. If house bill 999 passes do not come to Florida for college #I have no idea if my college is gonna stay accredited or if any Florida college is if this bill gets passed! IT'S THAT BAD!! #Thank god I'm not getting a degree at my college for ANY SCIENCE THAT EXISTS AMIRITE?! #THE BILL LITERALLY HAS ONE PART OF IT IN WHICH THE LANGUAGE IS SO VAGUE THAT IT COULD BAN SCIENTIFIC THEORIES FROM GEN ED #AND THIS SHIT COULD EASILY PASS #THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONING THE BANNING OF GENDER STUDIES AFRICAN AMERICAN STUDIES JEWISH STUDIES AND A HELL OF A LOT MORE SHIT #ANY PROGRAMS OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH DIVERSITY OR INCLUSION OR EQUITY ARE BANNED IN THIS BILL #GOD I HATE IT HERE #politics #florida #education #censorship #ramblings

[foolishjellyfish]

Heart says ouch. We still sad. :-((((((

#diary #she sent me a text mssg to say that 1. she was tired and sad 2. that wasn't how she wanted to wrap things up that day #3. that she hoped I found some moments of sun for myself after we had that terrible fight on sunday (sending me a nice thought - good sign?) #4. suggested we check in later in week 'if comfort levels allign' #I replied saying same also sad #and saying that I need space #i think its the first time that I've felt so hurt by her that I needed to Not Talk To Her #and she has not texted me yesterday or today and nor have I and it's good because I asked for space but also it fkn hurts #i really like her why does it have to be so fkn messyyy!!!!!!! #but also feeling sad about things that have very little to do with her #i.e. me and my sister not super getting along rn (tho is this rlly news) #and like the realisation of how badly I've neglected my physical health lately #+ the disabled grief I'm feeling lots lately #i think to some degree I've been trying to push past my pain and fatigue so I can convince myself I'm not as disabled as I think I am #but then I just become more tired and more sore and more difficult to be around bc ya kno how being tired and in pain just tends to lower ur #lower ur threshold for difficult things etc etc etc #but also she called me DRAMATIC when i was simply feeling big feelings #like #fuck that shit !!!!!!!! #way to invalidate one's feelings #like yes i am aware that the way I express my feelings can be intense at times #my feelings are intense like i have adhd and there's a part of the brain that involves emotional regulation and #that part of the brain doesn't work as well for adhd brains in comparison to neurotypical brains #UGH #like I'm trying to own my feelings don't u fkn dare call me dramatic - we reserve that word for my mother thank u very much

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

My sleep schedule lately has been 6am-9am and 11am-5pm, which is not super great tbh, so today I tried to stay awake by walking to the coffee shop and getting a nice coffee and pastry, which worked for a bit but now it's 1:30pm and I'm super sleepy so I thought "I'll just nap from 1:30pm-2:30pm and that'll fix me" but I can't fall asleep. But I'm too tired to do anything. So guess I'll die??

#why yes i am worried about how much sleep i need #thank you for asking #i literally wasted my last three days by just sleeping through them #which is not great for my mental or physical health #i havent done any research into this yet but i feel like it might be vitamin d deficiency #that makes you tired right? #i know when i was younger i was deficient and they thought that was why i was depressed #pretty sure the guy just did not take my mental illness symptoms seriously because i was young so he blamed it all on deficiency #not saying i wasnt deficient. just saying that not all of my symptoms could be explained by that and i feel like he overlooked some #and last time i saw a doctor they said im d deficient too. so i took supplements for awhile but only because i got them on sale #theyre expensive when theyre not on sale. so i stopped #but now im thinking of maybe getting more and also a sun lamp #because my life is very sad when i spend all of my waking time exhausted and all of my free time sleeping #today is a rare energy day #and i feel like its because its almost sixty degrees and sunny and i took a little walk #im gonna mske some pasta salad and shower snd take my dog for a walk #so hopefully thatll help even further #because god the health is bad rn #edit: i just ordered some vitamin d gummies and a sun lamp #hopefully thatll fix my brain because tbh im at the end of my rope rn and i need some help climbing

[belfrygargoyles]

resolution for the year is to, if absolutely nothing else, look into job training programs i might be able to make use of. If Fucking Nothing Else

#personal #or any other program that might be able to help me get up with some kind of start #having no degree and being out of school for so long has decimated my self confidence in my workplace competency #if not that. then maybe seeing if there is literally anything for getting over my fear of driving #which is honestly more financial than anything #we only have one functional car rn and my mom is the one who needs it most (dad cant drive for health reasons) #when my brother was a teenager and just got his license #he made a stupid teenager mistake and accidentally rear ended a schoolbus- #no damage to the bus but apparently the car was totaled #and that was the last time we had two working cars #for YEARS afterwards my dad WOULD NOT LET GO of it and would lament the loss of such a nice car #and it made my brother miserable ngl. he already felt bad. and i mean YEARS #i dont think its much of a mystery why the idea of driving is deeply unpleasant and anxiety inducing #'you cant make a single mistake or else you will incur massive financial damage on the family and will be shamed about it for years' #isnt a great motivator for wanting to be anywhere near the wheel of a car!

[exopelagic]

just take this

#I know I’m posting a lot like this recently but #I’m just so fucking tired #I tried so hard at the start of this term to make sure I wouldn’t be struggling like I normally do and then stuff happens #and my shit gets moved around in ways that are out of my control and I’m in hell again #and I just like. even when things are good at the end of the day I’m pretty consistently kinda sad #is this the fucking winter I swear to god #I think it probably comes down to the fact that I have a truly ridiculous amount to think abt rn and it’s so hard to keep track of it all #and there’s always something immediate that I need to do alongside multiple long term things which I’m chipping away at but are always there #like immediately I have two presentations to write #and less immediately I have 6 lectures to catch up on. I gotta watch two before Monday #presentations and ideally some lectures by Thursday #and then on top of that there’s the coursework we just got given that I need to think about within the next few weeks #an essay Tuesday after next #figuring out a project area which means at least 3 more meetings. ideally more #also within the next 2-3 weeks bc otherwise I won’t have time #and then on top of that hockey is starting to feel like a job. #between mounting admin I’ve been trying to keep on top of and neglecting my degree and it being so busy and having to fill in for people #who are missing #and then the new skates are better but have their own issues and the laces fucking kill my hands #I need to find time to just go to a free skate sometime but that’s not happening until the new year :/ #bc I’m going home immediately after term ends bc my sister is doing a performing thing that I need to be home for to watch the dogs #so my mum can go #and then like. constantly getting new drama that **I** have to deal with for some reason bc this one girl has decided I’ve betrayed her #a ‘massive fucking betrayal’ apparently even though I barely know her and I had no idea what was going on with her #and then. the whole fucking situation with The Guy #and god this different guy after hockey tonight when we were cleaning up was complaining and made a dumb joke and I made a dumb joke #and it was. dumb. and he was like hey luke is everything okay with your degree bc you’ve been more and more tired every time I see you #and he was taking the piss but he’s Right #luke.txt