Three men die and go to heaven. Waiting for them at the gates to heaven is St. Peter. St. Peter informs them that heaven is over crowding and that in order to get in they must have an excellent death story.
The first man stands up and begins his story. "I suspected my wife of cheating on my so I rushed home early to catch her in the act. She was undressed but her lover was nowhere in sight. I searched the whole house over and over but found no one. That's when I heard the cries of a man on the balcony. He was barely holding on and crying for help. Obviously, I didn't help him but instead to pound the dirty sneak's fingers. He slipped and fell a few stories but landed in the bushes by our apartments, scratched but otherwise unharmed. In a rush of anger I lugged over our freezer and threw it over the edge. The cord wrapped around my ankle and tugged me down as well. Me and the man were both crushed into oblivion. And here I am." For a moment St. Peter stares at the man before nodding with a small grin.
St. Peter turns to the second man who begins his tale, with a glare towards the first man he begins his tale. "My mom is old and forgetful but her pride and joy is her garden on her balcony. I was watering it because I was sure she had forgotten when I fell and slipped. I, rather luckily, caught hold of the balcony below me. I began to cry for help and a man came charging towards me. I had thought I was saved but he started pounding on my hands and screaming at me. I eventually fell but when I did I fell into pushes, feeling completely fine. THAT'S WHEN HE THREW A FRICKIN FREEZER ON ME!!!"
St. Peter barks a laugh and nods at the third man. This man turns towards the first man and said "If you had just checked the freezer all three of us would be alive."
Lmao I have a little old lady as my Uber driver to my new store today and idk how she let me go on a tangent but the way I just talked the hell up about my job 😂 she was like wow I really love that that sounds awesome like genuinely surprised and encouraging. Why do I care so much about this job this is suspicious
Do you cook, or do you subsist solely on takeout like most bachelors? (forewarning: If you say you eat your meals with Crane and his son, there will be more squeeing about how adorable you all are.)
…y’know, most of the time when someone asks about my food habits, they’re asking if I eat enough.
I kinda hate that, but I also kinda prefer it to being called adorable for basic household interactions.
Like, what else are you gonna …squee(?) about that’s normal? I’m good at cleaning, is that too precious too?