#cant believe i’m crying over this it’s been years since ive cried i hate this i hate this i hate this idk what to do fuck

[milkpansa-archive]

.

#nini’s nonsense #sorry for being said on main or wtv but no one’s online so i guess it doesn’t matter and also i need to scream #i haven’t felt this alone in a long long time #and tbh. i’m just high key terrified because i think the moment i’ve been dreading for like over a decade is coming and idk how to deal with #that ngl. and the thing is if i go through with this everyone will ask me about it and my god what do i tell them? #like this is going to probs break my mom’s heart but also. what if she’s like. ‘ah just like i thought’ like i’ll never forgive her for #that i can’t and it scares me so much idk what to do for real #cant believe i’m crying over this it’s been years since ive cried i hate this i hate this i hate this idk what to do fuck #anyways. time to sleep or wtv if you see i’m sorry do ignore adhdhdhdhd #it will all be okay etc etc. i’ll just move countries. yeah. need. a new job anyways maybe i’ll try a different country #because anyone who’s like. you can’t run from your problems. is a liar it’s actually the only kind of running i do. #anyways bye this was a nice convo with myself ashdhdhdhd

[perfectlovekillsallfear87]

&&Im back.

I’m not sure how long I’ve actually been gone from Tumblr. I believe the last time I was on here was when I was in my 20s. I’m in my 30s now and finally got a new laptop. 

I have found it very helpful to get my thoughts out. And typing seems to help as well. 

I’m 32 now. My original tumblr blog was deleted by me. Just too many memories that I didn’t want to remember anymore. I have decided to continue with my tumblr name, but added the 87 at the end cause I guess the other name is taken. 

Let’s see....since this is a place for my own thoughts. I’m just going to start typing them out. I don’t expect anyone to read this anyways. I won’t be using any tags. 

Last night was something that I didn’t expect to happen. Especially not this soon. 

A little back story. A year ago Shea and I hooked up. And my impatient and most likely drunken ass told his wife. And I had nothing to lose. I had lost my job. And was in the midst of a “fuck it” phase.  After that happened, Shea didn’t speak to me. No matter how many times I’ve tried to apologize. I guess you can’t really apologize for something like that. Especially when it came from a hurtful place. I wanted his marriage to end and I guess wanted him to be with me. But heres the thing. I’m in a long term relationship. A year ago there was a lot going on in my life that I wasn’t happy with. And I sought Shea out. He would listen to me when I talked. He showed that he cared. Eventually one thing led to another and bam. We’re at his mothers house hooking up for 6 hours....Yeah, 6 hours.  The thing with Shea progressed over time. I worked at the door, checking receipts and what not. And he took notice of me. He would say hi to me all the time. Pretend like he’s checking on the ice machine just to talk to me. Flirt with me.  I remember when I tried getting a higher position at work and I wasn’t chosen for it. It broke me. And I broke down crying. He took me outside and gave me a cigarette and told me to fuck this place. He attempted to make me feel better. At this time I was working in the bakery dept because I didnt want to be a cashier and it was away from everyone. Thats when I met him. I was in the freezer all the time getting our breads and he would watch me and talk to me. thats when I knew he was into me. when they cut my hours, thats when I went to the door. And he would “check on the ice” just to talk to me.  After that I transfered to the early shift in dairy and frozen, because that was his dept. I wanted to be closer to him. That is when everything really moved fast. I got his number and we just would talk. That year in that dept was the most amazing year for me. I was close to him. But the kicker is....hes married. I knew this, but I still wanted him. I know thats wrong. And idk why I just didnt look the other way.  Wow, this is a really long back story. My bad. One day he called me and at first I didnt want to do anything. I was still super shy around him. But that was literally the only chance I had at the time. My bf wasnt home and I could go freely without telling him where I was going.  Well. We did it. I tried to ruin his marriage by telling his wife. He didnt talk to me for a year. Not until I got my job back (did I mention I lost that job and didnt work for a year, until recently got rehired)  I can tell you that he was surprised to see me at work again. I havent asked him about it, but I plan on to next time I get to talk to him.  I tried really hard too leave him alone. But he would look at me a lot. And randomly show up in my area. I knew he was still into me. You just dont show up on the opposite end of the store. ya know? I still had his number saved to my phone. and I would text him. It wasnt until a few nights ago he actually text me back and talked to me. I told him that I missed him. Not expecting him to tell me the same thing.  I was shocked when he said he missed me too.  Last night we video chatted while I was at work. And he just said “Im coming to get you”  I tried to tell him that I still had an hour left of work. But he talked me into clocking out an hour early. He picked me up and he drove out of town. And he told me he wasnt mad at me. He told me that I need to promise him I wont tell anyone. And I wont. I will on the other hand type it out and get it out of my head. I need to get it out. I hate having something built up in me.  So we drive and make out and eventually have sex in his wifes vehicle!!!  I know. Awful. And now here I am on Tumblr trying to justify my actions. Trying to some how convince myself that I didnt do anything wrong. Im in love with the man, so therefore I cant be wrong.  I told him I love him and he told me he loves me. But he also said nothing can come of all of this. Which broke me. I cried in the dark while he held me. I thought for a moment that he would change his mind. that maybe this is why he picked me up. to go over a plan. but no. he basically said this is only a fling. nothing more can come of it. 

So idk what Im going to do. Idk what to feel. I just dont know. Idk who to talk to about this. I dont have a bestfriend I can confide in. Ive cut so many people out of my life due to trust issues.  idk. i have so much going on right now, its stressful.  my bf is literally dying in front of me. liver failure. hes in the hospital as I type this out. yeah, im a bitch for going off and cheating on him. ive stuck by his side since this all started 8 months ago. i dont wanna get into this now. i’ll save it for another lonely night. 

I was watching awkward on hulu. i was jenna back in my 20s. always blogging my life. it helped me. but then people found my blog that live in the same town as me and it didnt end very well. so i deleted everything. 

i didnt mention my name. but i did mention shea’s name. shea could be anyone, living anywhere in the world. so i highly doubt anyone will figure out where we are. or who i am.  i dont really plan on following other accounts. or reblogging other things. i just needed a place to get my thoughts out. its been a while since ive been on a laptop and it feels really good to be able to type things out. 

well. i guess thats if for my first post. 

laters.

[jess-oh]

prayer

hey God,

it’s been a while. i guess a part of me is afraid to say these things aloud in fear that claire might hear me. i would rather be alone.

i think there are a lot of factors concerning my relationship with you. I know when I was in Turkey, I had full faith in you and really witnessed and experienced you move. I felt so much of your pain and how much your heart breaks for your people that do not know you. i had full trust in you.

a few days later, i went to cross conference and felt incredibly convicted and cried and cried bc of the amount of guilt i felt. i prayed to you and you answered in a way that only you could. i gained clarity and was determined to properly equip myself before returning for a year. which is something that i still want to do.

but after the drive by happened only a couple weeks later, i felt incredibly hurt, broken, afraid, traumatized, helpless, and betrayed.

even now, the biggest thing on my heart is why. why god. i dont understand why you continue to put me through so much pain. what did i do so wrong to deserve so much suffering. if you really loved me, why would you purposefully put me through so much? i feel like my life is a living hell. there are times when i really genuinely hate being alive bc it just feels like too much pain. i cant take it. i would rather die and cease to exist than to go another day feeling such a heavy weight in my chest.

i want to get over it. i really do. and i am starting to accept that sometimes life just sucks and we just have to accept it as it is and move on. and ive started to move on from the fact that these things even came into existence. but i am still so upset that it was God that put me through this. i dont understand. i really truly dont understand. i want to understand but i dont. the actual experience isnt so bad anymore but the weight that these two events have carried haunts me to this day. and i cant take it anymore. i cant. i honestly really cant. God please. Why. I really just don’t understand why. 

I am in so much pain and suffering and you did this to me and I cant even begin to understand why. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to please you and glorify you and live my life for you and it feels like instead of a reward, im being punished with this awful sinking hole inside my chest that i can never seem to escape.

i want to be better. i do.

i just dont know how or what to do anymore.

it’s been a while since my depression lingered and has stayed with me. i just cant seem to find the motivation to actually do my work and stay focused and be studious. if anything, i want to do so in order to honor and please my grandparents. it’s the least i can do to help them during this trying time.

did i push people away?

i know i started to keep secrets and didnt trust them as much and isolated myself to just suffer alone which is probably what made everything even harder and even worse in my own mind.

i dont want to fight this battle alone anymore. and i am really grateful and glad that i have jeanne to help me but

i do wish i wasnt alone here. which is partly my fault for not being more open and willing to share my current struggles and problems.

but i wish more people would reach out to me to check up and see how im doing. which i guess is also my fault for not being totally honest about how much pain i am in. 

sigh.

and i dont know if it’s just me in my own head or what but whenever i am at church on sundays or retreats or lockins or whatever else, i always feel really self conscious. that im too loud or im going to expose myself by crying and really falling on my knees before God. I’m too afraid to take that risk.

im too afraid to really go before God honestly bc im afraid Claire or someone else is going to hear me and judge me.

but in the grand scheme of things, why do i really care what she thinks or anyone else? this life is so temporary and i do genuinely enjoy being at lakeview. i think people do genuinely care and love me and i do work really hard to be involved and to make a name for myself. and i think if news came out that i had killed myself, i think people would be shocked and affected.

but at least as of right now, im too afraid to really reach out for help. i dont know how theyll react or what theyll say or how their perception of me would change. i do want to seek therapy but i dont think i even fully understand what im feeling or going through. i dont even know what i would tell them.

i do want to worship God genuinely instead of feeling like im just saying a bunch of empty words over and over again. I want to actually believe the words im saying. 

it did feel nice singing that turkish song on labor day

and living hope strung a chord with me too.

i just dont feel like i can truly praise Him anymore. I don’t think I can truly praise you anymore, God. Because I don’t believe the words I’m saying. I’m not totally convinced that I love you this much that im willing to dedicate my life to you. and really believe you are worthy of all this praise when i feel so betrayed.

but, i need to go work on my homework now.

but at least i do feel a little better after writing this.

real quick before i forget,

To Amanda-

hey amanda. honestly, a part of me is glad that you decided to break up with johnathan bc it had such a negative impact on me. i felt like i had been replaced by him. you were always hanging out with him and i now know that it was actually just exhausting for you to be that social but i felt hurt. i always just gave you your space when you needed it and chalked that off to your personality and believed you wouldnt take the time to hangout with anyone multiple times a week or anything. but then i saw and heard about you hanging out with johnathan constantly and it made me feel like i had been replaced and i just wasnt worth hanging out with. i didnt give you enough for you to want to hangout with me more. i wasnt worth it but he was. all of a sudden, it seemed like you and him were really close and you didnt need me anymore. 

and i know you generally dont reach out for help and hermit unless prompted but. i felt like i lost you. and because of that, i distanced myself from you and even when i was going through tough things, i didnt always tell you anymore.

but i never told you that this was how i felt bc i didnt want you to break up with him bc of how i felt. bc i didnt know if i didnt want you guys together bc i saw the negative effects it was having on you or bc i just felt upset about losing you specifically myself.

this is actually how i felt before with jason and angela too. i wanted to tell jason that i didnt think their relationship would last and it was a bad idea but i wasnt sure if i wanted to tell him that bc i liked jason or bc i genuinely cared for them both and didnt think it was a good idea. so i didnt say anything at all.

and they ended up breaking up anyway.

and the same for you. 

even though i didnt say anything, you guys ended up breaking up anyway. which i kinda thought might happen. 

and i dont know if it was right of me to stay shut or if i shouldve spoken up but this is how i feel. and i didnt want to say anything until after you guys had officially broken up.

but im sorry.

i also feel like it shifted our dynamics and changed a lot. like tbh, i was salty towards you indirectly about jasons graduation. bc i know jason was close to johnathan and pjosh. but i knew you guys were never that close. i was more hurt that i wasnt invited but you were out of proxy of being johnathan’s girlfriend bc i knew jason and i were closer than you and him. and yet, he invited you instead of me.

and i was hurt.

#prayer

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTERS 10 + 11

we had a week of peace and now we’re gonna get annihilated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have no clue how long this liveblog may end up but hell and high water i’m combining them both

she tore the jade pendant from her neck and flung it into the darkness.

let’s give a warm welcome, to sadness,

i’m very excited for all-new cinder content hhhhhhh if u havent gathered by now I Love This Bitch and I Love Her Many Problems so im thankful for this gift 😞

Cinder was a ruin, her pride carved and served like slabs of meat.

i can FEEL diesel n kc rly patting themselves on the back for every bit of wet meat they can toss at me!!!!!!!!!! U HEAR THAT I CAN FEEL U!!!!!!!!!!! but also i still love this shit w/ all my heart!!!!!!!!!! IM NEVER GONNA STOP SAYIN IT

She had never looked at Glynda’s files.

im so sorry cinder baby but that whole thing? is still HILARIOUS oh my GOD i cannot believe you fucked up that badly. u shoved yr entire head into a beartrap. u absolutely crapped yr pants on that one. yr gonna be thinking abt that on yr deathbed,

/looks at the chapter title again

hhhhhhhh im. so pumped. its gonna be hard to talk abt most of this w/o doing a million fingerguns a minute but i’m gonna try my best

Cinder approached the mirror and touched its silvered face with black-tipped claws,

I SAID IM GONNA TRY MY BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was iron barbs beneath the nail bed, glowing coals underfoot, the singular capacity to do harm. She was a beast, armed with fang and claw and a deep, dark void where her compassion should have laid, and she was dressed for dinner.

HHHHHH god YES THIS IS THE CINDER IM THIRSTY FOR............ i literally cannot say anything that isnt a massive 👈😎👈 but AAAAAAA

like im reading thru this and i cant cherry-pick lines this whole bit? is SO GOOD...  kc n diesel are Yet Again obliterating me w/ their mastery of the narrative style of offal hunt and i just love all of this i rly wish i could explain how offal hunt is EXACTLY MY BRAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F U C K

The final touch on her mastercraft disaster: the four sawed-off horn stumps which grew among her silver-streaked hair.

HOOOO B O I i am. Losin it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER HORNS.......... CINDR...............

Wretchedly, she wondered: did Glynda even respect her now?

any other villain: my plan didnt work and im mad >:( cinder fall: my plan didnt work and now im mad but also mostly sad :(

CINDER’S TRYING HER BEST GOD.......... i literally hate how the remaster has made her So Soft, Actually... I BELIEVE IN U CINDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE U!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YR BEST

Every part of her was hot and hollow. She was sick with loathing.

i LOVE HER.... CINDER I HOPE U KNO THAT YR LOVED... god tho i dont like how SAD I AM RN... cinder’s so small and the world is so big and wants 2 Shit On Her blease

honestly like. im rly- LOOK I SAID THIS BEFORE BUT. this is why im rly lovin the new cinder content because in the first version we only got glimpses of her internal machinations and now we’re in full-blown Always Sad territory and everything is suffering :)

She blinked. Her double did not.

‘well’, thought murphy. ‘that’s terrifying.’

she’d only survived thanks to a keen instinct for danger, cultivated during her tenuous teenage years.

i NEED. I NEED. CINDER BACKSTORY. all these lil nuggets dont constitute a meal! I WANT A BIG MAC AND FRIES. WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS BABY DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also again. the body horror of offal hunt? peak content. Im Lovin It

its getting harder to divine what is and what is not a 👈😎👈 because we got bits sprinkled around and theres only rly a spoiler potential if u glue em all together so im still being extra careful and the answer is blared in everyones faces so this whole kondor scene will go uncommented unless some Bullshit Happens which it will, so,

When she had become so invested in Glynda’s approval? When had a desire to be recognized as something inhuman, something ferocious, something black and terrible and capable of keeping up with Glynda Fucking Goodwitch turned into this?

oh! oh! i have the answer! i do! i know the answer! it’s you a lesbian,

The spectres of her youth haunted this city, owl-eyed children and fox-eared teens. They’d been a second sort of family, the only kind she’d had within these walls, and she’d wondered what had become of them in the past decades, but…

It was too sentimental, and she wasn’t meant to be a creature of sentiment.

oh boy okay wow

okay so actually this bit made me cry??? fuck OFF im losing it!!!!!!!! LET HER BE SENTIMENTAL!!!! LET HER HAVE PPL TO CARE ABT!!!!!!!!!! IM LITERALLY CRYING IM GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!

She would go barefoot from this point on, her heels clutched at her side. When she left the hotel room to steal into the night, she promised herself not to look back.

im sorry im just. so sad rn. i havent cried over a fic in YEARS and we still have another chapter ago i hate this SO MUCH..............

here comes chapter 11 

if i cry even once more im going to stab!!!!!! im not sure what BUT ILL STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even without his wings, the Manticore would easily have been twice the size of any of the other Grimm, far outstripping them in sheer bulk.

HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HATI HATI HATI

holy shit we actually get to see him this time!!!!!!!!!!! WE GET TO SEE THIS LEGENDARY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS CHONCC,

also hes a manticore now which is, Radical, may i just say, and just a little bit sexy,

The effortless grace in each move betrayed power most Grimm would not live to achieve. Once he stood, he had to dip his head low to meet her eye to eye. His canines were the length of her forearm.

if u werent here for the remaster? we never even SAW hati but now hes here, hes Big, and rly thats all that matters,

Like a child who’d been allowed to lie and lie until at last they’d strangled themself in the web they’d spun, Cinder couldn’t speak. Could only wait on his verdict.

every single one of cinder’s inherent themes is killing me and this business w/ family? stop. im dying. this is rude

The scant space between them popped and cracked like an sparking flame, warm and effervescent, and this time, Cinder lingered, hugging Hati close.

IF I CRY ONCE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U ASSHOLES MAKE ME CRY ONCE MORE I WILL DOXX YOU,

aaaaaaaaaaaaaah im loving this content i rly dont have words for it dhjfgsdfgjh i just, rly like the words, and the order theyre in, and i honestly keep forgetting to liveblog it cause i just wanna READ EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tempting as it was—as it always had been, ever since she’d left the relative safety of the wastes and learned what happened to scraggly-limbed teens with horns and fangs and gleaming eyes—

with every chapter i desperately have 2 kno more abt baby cinder i HAVE to know i am so. UNBEARABLY CURIOUS... baby cinder what happened... what happened 2 u....

A lantern’s glow warmed her, bleeding into the darkness leeching at them both. It was a gentle gold across her skin, and like an answering signal from a distant outpost, Cinder saw a flush of light through the dark fur lining Hati’s throat, as though flames licked at his insides.

i forgot. that cinder glows like that when she feels Loved or full of pride and you know what i dont like these chapters. they were made to hurt me and i Dont Like That (im mclovin it)

From the safety of Hati’s neck, she found it easier—after all this time, he was still her bastion.

WHEN YOU REALISE? THAT YR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?? STOP,

For a regular person, the machine would be able to draw out short bursts of power, the likes of which no Semblance could ever channel. The taxation would eventually destroy the soul so deeply, so thoroughly, as to leave it empty for good.

For a Witch? For—

the fact. she cut herself off before she could think ‘for glynda’. has me on the FLOOR. this bit is just So Much i dont like it

Glynda Goodwitch would not abandon this hunt. Cinder knew it, had read it from her palms like an open book—Glynda Goodwitch did not know how to stop. If it had been anyone else on Remnant, they might never return, might never pull themselves back into action after today—but Glynda did not have a shred of self-preservation.

me, knocking against cinder’s head: u kno for someone w/ so many schemes in yr brain yr pretty dumb and gay, huh,

firstly let’s talk abt cinder’s “””””””””””””””””””self-preservation””””””””””””””””””” instin-- whats that? not found? yes

[Glynda’s] eyes were empty, hungry, insatiable.

i feel like ive read this line before! lets jump back a chapter--

In [Cinder’s] eyes, there was a subtle, endless hunger.

WAKE UP CINDER SHE’S YR SOULMATE!!!!!!!!!!! THE COFFEE’S READY U CAN SMELL THE BACON FROM HERE WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With a fluid leap, they were in the air, the ground quickly shrinking beneath them. Pressing her face against his neck to shield herself from the wind, she closed her eyes and prepared herself for what was to come, trusting Hati to deliver her safely.

that said i ADORE my boy hati is literally the best part of offal hunt kc and diesel do not interact,

He was frozen in horrific anticipation, like watching an imminent tragedy and being absolutely helpless to stop it. Like all the tension was mixed with grief and hopeless, futile fear.

when will offal hunt be nice to me. when will any of these characters get to be happy. hello. im full of sadness.

The sound was like a saw working back and forth, but resonating inside her head, rattling every tooth in her jaw, deafening to her ears.

im literally gritting my teeth at this i can hear it in my own head and its Very Bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

okay god i can barely handle to quote anything more this bit is hurting ME so lets swiftly move on before I Die

Cinder closed her weary eyes, sinking into sleep like a shallow grave.

BE NICE TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BE NICE TO HER JUST THIS ONCE, PLEASE, IM BEGGING YOU,

They only knew death, only ever sought death; fangs and claws slicked with blood, magic rending meat and marrow apart, and everywhere that choking, scalding heat, spilled blood like magma, like the core of a planet.

hmm... that seems like a 👈😎👈 ~reference~

They were all alert, ears pricked, hackles raised like Hati’s. They all fixed on the same spot, somewhere beyond the darkness of the cave opening, and though she could barely think, she knew:

She was out of time. The Witch was here.

oh no.

okay so THATS CHAPTERS 10 AND 11! i only cried ONCE and u kno what thats. a Victory. these two chapters were VERY GOOD i rly loved em and i can tell new readers r gonna have a blast w/ this shit!!!!!!!!!! meanwhile i, a veteran reader, am full of peril,

terrible.

#rwby #offal hunt #liveblog #in this liveblog murphy ACTUALLY CRIES

[ryanbitchbard]

Hidden You

   “I believe our thoughts are not our own.  Our minds are to wild to control.  They aren’t ours.  We have an imprint.  A thinker.  Something else is in our heads.  We are not the ones thinking our own thoughts!”

“Interesting.  What movie?”

“Does it sound that far-fetched?”

“It sounds like a high-dia.”

“Well, I have good reason to believe it.  Why cant we control our own thoughts?  Why do we need to meditate in order to calm our them?  We aren’t calming our thoughts, we’re ignoring them with our own mantras.”

“Meditation is to focus.”

“Yes!  So you don’t think certain thoughts.  We all seem to have a similar demon.  Why do you think we feel guilty?  Why do we overthink things?  Where do these thoughts come from?”

“You’re not going to convince me there is a creature living in my head.  Its the opposite of God.  He doesn’t sound like this supreme being.  He sounds like a tiny being who can influence only one person.  Why do you believe this!?”

“I talk to mine.”

“What?!”

“I speak to mine on a regular basis.  I thought it was me at first, but I’m now getting responses which I couldn’t give.”

“I think you have a disorder.”

“Thats what I thought at first.  I had many odd symptoms.  It was telling me to burn stuff.  I ignored it than confronted it.  It stopped telling me to hurt things and finally talked to me.  He knows so much.  He helps me with my issues.  I’m no longer in debt because of him.  However, you need to learn how to utilize him.  He can be a menace.  When you feel like you’re going insane, that’s the voice trying to rattle you.  You need to take control of it.  Thats how you get what you want.”

“You’re weird!”

“It doesn’t matter.  I know what my issues are and I have solved them.  They can guide us.  They don’t always succeed.  If you don’t believe me, try talking until you get real answers.  You need to push hard.  They’re stubborn.”

“I’m going home.”

“You could find out what ever you’d like.  Even what happened to Jules.”

I looked back in anger.  Tim smiled.  I left the bar.

   Tim was weird with this occult stuff but this felt different.  Tim was always fun but ive never seen him this creepy.  Normally I would have ignored and went on with my life.  However, I was intrigued.  My life has been pretty lousy this past year.  I lost my job, I dropped out of school, and Julie left me two months ago. We were together five years.  I woke up with a note saying we couldn’t be together.  The note had no explanation but I knew why she left.  I was depressed since I left school and moped around most of the time.  I was lucky she stayed as long as she did.  Ive missed her so much that I was actually thinking about doing this.   I didn’t believe but the thought of, at least, knowing how I could fix my life and get Jules back.  I was giving this a try tonight.

    Tim told me to make this a bit ceremonial as our minds get triggered by traditional stuff.  We conjure up our own results.  That is how it works with ouija boards.  I got myself into a dark room, lit a few candles, sat in front of a mirror, and just looked at my reflection.  I looked and asked some questions.  “What is wrong with me?”  I felt like someone told me to write an amazing story.  I wasn’t sure what to ask or what answers I’d receive.  I told myself I would give this, at least, an hour.  “Why am I so depressed?”  My face just looked at me as if I’d asked a dog about algebra. Nothing to out of the ordinary.  Just my confused reflection.  My thoughts, however, were beginning to flow a bit more freely.  Like the creative part of my brain’s dam broke much like an LSD trip.  I was wondering if this is what Tim was talking about.  I continued to ask questions.  “What is to come with my life?”  I would come up with my own answers.  Some good some bad.  I wasn’t to freaked out.  This didn’t seem to be out of the ordinary.

     It had been over an hour and nothing substantial.  I gave it an extra thirty minutes as I felt this to be therapeutic.  I was about leave when I noticed my reflection giving me an odd smirk.  I felt like it wasn’t making that face.  I decided to ask one more question.  “Who are you?”  Just like I thought.......nothing.  I smiled and was about to walk away when I noticed the smile of my reflection.  I wasn’t making that smile.  At least, I’m sure I wasn’t.  I stared for a minute when my thoughts started to get eradic.  I thought about how I wanted to die and kill someone.  I Yelled; “Stop!!” It didnt stop.  I continued to scream at my own mind.  “Why am I having these thoughts?!”   I wasn’t going to let this thing make my crazy.  “What happened to Julie!!”  I started hearing Julie’s voice.  She talked about how she, secretly, wanted me to die.  She thought I was annoying and she only stayed with me Because I offered entertainment till she found something new.  I got down on my knees and cried.

    I was sobbing for ten minutes, trying to be louder than my thoughts.  I told myself to burn the house and die with it.  I was about to reach for a knife when I remembered what Tim said before I left the bar.  He told me the voice would try to make me think I’m insane and I would need to be strong.  I had to be stubborn.  I stood up and looked at my reflection.  My face took on a sardonic tone.  Tears streaming down my face I yelled “Shut up!!!”  This caused my reflection’s grin to widen.  The thoughts felt like a razor blade cutting through steel.  I felt like I was being tortured physically.  I had to be strong.  I knew that if I couldn’t beat this that I wasn’t going to be insane.  What ever this was it was a part of me and It couldn’t let me leave knowing about it.  My thoughts of death felt like a crying child was screaming them in my ear.  I had flash backs.  I started to see my boss yelling at me.  I relived the depression as my grades started to slip.  I heard my last conversation with Jules.  I felt that feeling of waking up to her note.  The note saying I’m leaving.  Somehow, I wasn’t surprised.  My knees wanted to buckle but I stayed firm.  “What happened to Jules!!!!”  I heard myself say Jules hates you.  The voice echoing out into her voice than sound like a tape speeding up.  Jules hates you Jules hates you Jules hates you!!!!  “How do I fix my life!!!”.  Just die!!

     This lasted for twenty minutes than Just like that........ he stopped.  He gave me a genuine smile.  “What do you want?!  It’s dangerous talking to me.  Why do you hate not having control?  It can feel so relieving.”

“Its weird.  Do we not have control of our thoughts?”

“You have some control.  For the most part its me.  I’m the one who does the thinking.  You still have free will but its me who supplies the ideas.”

“I’m not going to get mad at the reality.  I came here for a reason.”

“To find out why you cant keep a job?  To wonder why your sorrow caused you to fail school?  To  get Jules back?  I gave you those thoughts.  Most of them.”

“How can I fix myself?”

“I have that ability.”

“How?  How can we fix this?”

“Not we......I!”

“You or me?”

“Me!”

“How?”

“Just let me do my work.  You are no longer in control.”

“I would like to have a hand in this!”

“It doesn’t matter.  Like I said, you are doing a dangerous thing by talking to your subconscious.  Same with Tim.  He is now his subconscious.”

“Okey.  I’m leavingj.”

“To late.  You have brought me out.”

“Fuck you!  I’m leaving this room!”

“Okey.”

I was about to leave when I realized the room looked a little different.  Everything seemed inverted.  Like things were on the wearing side.  I was confused but I needed to leave.  It was hard to move.  I looked at my subconscious in disgust.

“What did you did do to me?”

“I did nothing.  This was all you.  You pulled off a switch.  Now you’re in my place and I’m in yours.  Don’t worry.  Maybe I will pulll off the switch.....eventually.  I want to try living.  See if I can do better than you.”

   Tim walks in the room with a large smile.

“Is it done?”

“Yes.  I’m now in his place.  Don’t worry, Tom.  You are now in control of your thoughts.  I’m the one with the control of the body.”

     Now I sit in my own head.  I watch as he rekindles my old relationship with Jules.  It’s infuriating.  I scream at him all the time.  He just smiles.  Nothing affects him.  He knows all the tricks.  He knows how little power I have over the physical self.  He just walks along and enjoys the life he is building for me.  Every now and than he whispers “Don’t worry.  We will switch.....I just need to fix the mess you created.”

[deeeelightfuldee]

How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? oooo boy. ok lets see. 5 dogs, 9 cats?

Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? My mom doesn’t play anything. My dad is a drummer

Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? Yes. I’ve done it this week alone, just to try and calm down a little.

Can you crack crab legs without a tool? i have no idea. I don’t eat crab or anything in the sea for that matter. 

How many light sources are in the room you’re in? ooo good question. umm, eight? lol

What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? uhhh cream cheese.

Who’s your favorite director? i really don’t know, i don’t follow who directs what.

Bats: cute or gross? i mean, I don’t really care.

What was the last really intense pain you felt? lung pain during this whole nonsense.

Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? either. 

How would you feel about traveling abroad alone? I would love to, but I don’t see it happening with the travel restrictions these days.

What is your father's middle name? He doesn’t have one. he’s got a family name and the men who have it do not have a middle name. Where did your last kiss take place? uhhh I believe on my driveway 

Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? no clue, tbh. none that come to mind

Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? I don’t think ive ever done that. 

Which one of your family members are you closest to? My mom. one of my brothers and my sister.

Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes? brand names just don’t matter to me, but if i was forced to choose i guess shoes?

Are you a good liar? no. not at all.

Are you proud of your parents? Im super proud of my mom.

Which is better: orange or grape soda? orange

Was the last thing you ate hot or cold? hot. so yummy.

Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family? uhhhhhhh, idk who was here when I wasn’t in town, but prior to that I would imagine em/nathan

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? green 

Can you remember the last song you listened to? something from the toy story soundtrack lol. I’m binge watching all four today... I am using Kile’s disney+ for as long as he has it. I don’t think he watches it ever, so I imagine it’ll cut off soon.

Have you ever been dumped really harshly? once. it was horrible. every other time I’ve done the break up.

Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort? heck’n no. unless im going into a pool maybe.

Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? yes

What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? he sexually assaulted me

Are you more of a phone or a computer person? my preference is laptop, 

Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work? not currently.

If not, do you want one? yeah i’d like to have income.

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? yes. a few.

What’s your favorite Mexican dish? pork tacos from mama marias omggggggggggggg.

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes. bulls games, bears games

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? of course.

What months were you and your siblings born in? january, july, august, august

What did you have for dinner last night? nicks.

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? absolutely. to keep the shape n such.

Has your town ever flooded? uhhhhh to my knowledge once. it had rained SO heavily for like a week and the local ponds and lakes were over-flowing. a car literally floated down my road. it was so weird.

Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place? when I was a kiddo yes. not often tho cus I didn’t like the smell, it was always sticky, and there were always bratty kids.

Have you ever taken a picture of snow? only every single day it snows

Do you cry easily? i notoriously do not cry in front of anyone. I am not a crier. when I lost Kile I cried for weeks.

Are you happy with where you live? I love it.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? No

Do you hate the last person you kissed? no, i’m not a hateful person

What genre is your favorite movie? drama, romance, kids lol

Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. she picked me up from the airport.

Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? yes. I always seem to get the nice workers and they help so much.

When was the last time somebody hit on you? yesterday. blegh. 

Was the last person you met a male or female? hmm. Iiiiiii wanna say male. 

What brand is your underwear? I think the pair im wearing is hanes.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? usually green bean casserole.

Do you have a TV in your room? yup. watching TS1 right now.

Are any of your electronics charging right now? my phone. of course it was on 2 percent.

What was the last video game you played? acnh on the switch.

What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? that they will be there for me forever and always take care of me. no. 

Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google.

What was the last song you had on repeat? more by bobby darin

Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? froggy fresh

How many college degrees do you want? i have two. I’d like my masters and/or phd

Can you wink? yes but I dont think it looks good lol i have to get better

Do you own any jerseys? I did, I dont know if I have any still

Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult? No. i wasn’t a dumb child and i certainly wouldnt do that as an adult

Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? not really no. 

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? no. 

Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? im not into piercings on guys. tattoos are fine if they arent trashy

Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? all the time.

What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? kind of a creamy taupe-y color

Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school? no

Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? i probably consume more fruits? but i love both. 

What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? white

Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? no. sadly

What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store? i cant even tell you the last time i went to a dollar store.

Ever peed in the pool? Be honest! I would have been murdered lol no i dont do that. it grosses me out.

When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in? something on a lot of land, big front porch.

Where do you want to get married? probably a courthouse. maybe outdoors?

Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? no. just mom.

What is your favorite childhood TV show? recess

Honestly, do you like school? no. i looooooooooooooooooooooooove it.

Last thing that made you cry? probably dejavu.

Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? sort of yes.

Last person you took a walk with? liza, em, dutch, della

Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? i think currently to be honest. 

Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air? lol either mario or an old friend david

Does any part of your body hurt? yeah. my muscles have been weakening sooooooo bad it is so painful. 

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do? Million bucks. noooooooooooo question.

Can you keep a secret? Sure.

Your favorite romantic movie? sleepless in seattle probs.

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I loved it for the longest timeeeeeeee. i dont think ill love it as much this next year, but maybe by then ill have met someone new who knows.

Who was the last person you took a picture with? uuuuuhhh probably one of my nephews/niece

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? Some do, some dont. 

Do you celebrate 420? Nope. verrrrrry much not my thing.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? i think so lol

How do you eat Oreos? with milk. 

Do you wear your shoes in the house? sometimes. my preference is slippers. we usually wear something on our feet because gram needs to and so does mom.

Would you survive in prison? probably not, tbh. 

Ever been to Georgia? the state, yes. many times. the country? never.

Do you get your hair cut every month? gosh no. my dream is to get my hair done professionally again sometime, but its so daggum expensive.

Current relationship in detail. I am single. i will probably start casually dating soon. 

If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? i dont even know. I always imagined I’d go to kile. but who knows now.

List things you spend money on in an average week. i can go several weeks without spending.

Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. ooooooohhhhhh, id rather not.

Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship? i am convinced bill would not give a fig whether or not im in a relationship. mom, however, would probably be EEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXtra cautious now.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? oh im sure. 

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? yes. even if we don’t talk anymore... theres just always a connection.

What board games are you good at? oooo, i’m very good at board games.

Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting? quilting. its expensive and im not wanting to get it all cvid-y

Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature? Immature.

Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? there are people who can pull it off, but it is notttttttttt my style.

Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? debt bill put my mom in. they don’t speak tho.

Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such? the first couple years. 

If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it? I don’t use the switch handheld, despite really wishing i could. the controllers are broken and beyond what I can afford. so I just use the tv dock.

Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say? i’d pick it up 1000000000000000% , I just would be so curious what they would say.

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? absolutely.

Are you afraid of falling in love? I am. I don’t ever again want to feel the way ive felt with my two heart breaks. 

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? yes, but the feeling is lessening. I responded to him for the first time in... idk how long. thinking he’d be eager to talk and be responsive. he wasn’t. it just pushes me further and further from feeling those feelings.

Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t? no, i dont think so.

Did you get kissed last night? goodness no. 

Do you enjoy going through a carwash? I love it.

How did you get most of your scars? benny. by far.

Ever had to take an inkblot test? I have taken 2. One for a fellow student in a classroom who had to administer it for a project. another time in a psych class the prof asked me to for a demonstration

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep! the only time ive been grounded.

Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger? no. I do not get physical in my anger. I withdraw. 

What/who woke you up this morning? Just me.

Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you? My mom. dropping off ice water and benny.

What’s one of your locked text messages? I don’t even know if this phone locks messages tbh. I used to do that all the time on my t9 phones.

Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? I think maybe 1 time.

Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? Yes.

The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true? I wouldn’t say alllllllll, but i do think inhibitions are lowered so it makes it easier

When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? messaging kile and realizing he isn’t interested in responding. makes me feel so dumb.

How about feeling disappointed in someone else? something a family member did to me this past week.

For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? ummm. lately it’s been jealousy. i dont like people taking what was mine. but i’m learning if they had access to it, that likely means that it is best to let it go. so maybe im now leaning towards envy of like beautiful relationships.

Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? uhhh, not unless its like in a joking, light-hearted manner.

Do you have any specific chores you do around the house? when im not sick... i vacuum, dust, do dishes, wipe counters and table, do laundry of others, disinfect, etc.

For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing? I would say 51% comfort and 49% looking nice

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? yes. lots of jealousy due to their feelings toward me.

Do you like Laffy Taffy? No. not my style of candy

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? manual.

Are your biceps at all noticeable? hardly.

Have you ever seen a walrus? absolutely!

Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid? no. one time moms friends daughter (who was significantly older than me) lent hers to us... but there were no mixes of anything. so I didn’t know what to do with it.

Does your bathroom have a theme to it? nope.

From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? uhhhhhhhh 3 if you dont include the garage door.

Are there a lot of trees in your yard? i wouldn’t say a lot. I wish.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? treating me like crap cuts down my interest like immediately.

Have a best friend? meh.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? no.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? yes. I dont need to concern them or worry them.

Does anyone hate you? kiles ex(?) i am sure does.

What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? hm. i dont really have any.

Do you remember important dates? yes. almost always.

What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you? “what if we could put the world on hold and finally meet somewhere inside of the world? I would meet you... would you meet me?”

Who gives the best advice? mom

Who do you usually see in your dreams? :) It varies. depends on who I think about.

What type of cake did you last eat? graduation cake. 

How many of your friends are gay or bisexual? I have like 4 casual friends that are, but my closest friends are all straight.

What’s your favorite type of sandwich? buona chicken one. bless it.

When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline? tonight. I said maybe once this quarantine business is over.

Do you like The Offspring? I know a couple of songs but I definitely can’t call myself a fan. << same

One pillow or two? 12

Do you like Mad Libs? not really no.

Are you suicidal? no. I mean there are moments where I think wow, i dont want to be here. but not like let me put together a plan.

Where do your grandparents live? my fathers parents were killed by a drunk driver bout ten years ago. My mothers father passed away maybe 12 years ago. My gram is fine and lives in the room down the hall. 

Do you cut yourself? not purposely

What is your pet’s name? benny and lottie.

Have you ever been to Canada? not yet.

Aren’t babies overrated? no, no. theyre expensive af though.

Have a built-in pool in your backyard? i wish more than anything but no.

Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? maybe once or twice. I one time had a guy win me an animal at a carnival and i found that sooooooooooooooooo attractive.

Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? woops. yes. lol

Ever been to a circus? i think when i was really little.

Ever shot animals? I have not. i couldn’t. 

Do you consider yourself intelligent? I do. It is something I have some confidence in.

Have you ever run away from home? when my dad was abusive, yes. 

Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? faith, family, friends, school, relationships (only cus im not in one)

What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past? my faith.

What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? my degrees and honors.

Are you satisfied with your body image? no. I am honored to have a body that is capable of all that it is.. that has been my “home” all these years. the body that still breathes life every day, thats all incredible. I dislike having the fat that I do, as I worry it could be off putting to others. but then I realize im fine being single, so then my body imagine is fine. its a weird cycle.

Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? yes. when I worked and a customer didnt like a policy or whatnot.

Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of? never to my knowledge have I taken advantage of someone else seriously. I have been VERY seriously taken advantage of.

Have you ever been seriously ill? trying to get over it now tbh

Have you ever befriended a former enemy? uhhhh, not that I know of. I tend to be friendly to everyone, but I can’t think of a situation where it was an enemy.

If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people? I do pray for others quite often. it’s important to me. I sometimes will see strangers and immediately start praying over them. I actually almost started my GRE late because I was praying over every person I saw in the room lol.

Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation? no. not to my knowledge anyway.

Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa? yes! like 8 miles lol. I have not. 

When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable? this past week.

Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person? shes everyones favorite. shes kind, funny, sarcastic, down-to-earth, warm.

Who have you been talking to the most today? mom lol

Are you nosy? I think it could be perceived as nosy but I love to make people feel ridiculously special. So I will sit and ask questions just to get them talking about themselves. If I recognize the personal questions are not working, I’ll keep it totally light.

What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend? i really dont know.

If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? if we consider kile an ex, it would probably be that he feels overwhelmed and feels alone because he doesnt have me or his ex anymore. :(

Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? ooooo thats hard to narrow down.

Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? no. everyone comments on how they love when it turns wheezy.

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

#roy endoza writing #roy endoza #writing

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

#tag thing #aaaa god that was so fun but a bit time consuming tbh lol

[amiandivh]

I was tagged by: @gaybybirth​ hey sorry i have been and am still sick

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

last

1. drink - A nice glass of ice tea  2. phone call - friend of mine Andrew 3. text message - Got a text from my step mom checking in on me 4. song you listened to - Do video game soundtracks count as a song? Well if they do it was “Telling the Truth 2007″ quite a song title i know but listen to it i promise its amazing 5. time you cried - Saturday i was a funeral and this group played an amazing version that old rugged cross.

ever

6. dated someone twice? - never dated period lol 7. kissed someone and regretted it - never kissed a soul 8. been cheated on -man this is gonna be a boring section 9. lost someone special - nooooooooope 10. been depressed -  yeeeeeeeeeep 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - never touched the stuff 

fave colours

12. Pink mostly because i regrest having a “hating pink stage” in my life...fuck you young heather 13. Purple Cause it was my mother favorite color  14. Blue....notice a patern

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - Yea i have 16. fallen out of love - Yea but they let me down gently 17. laughed until you cried - oh im a laugher so you show me something i gonna laugh till i cry 18. found out someone was talking about you - um no not really  19. met someone who changed you - yea i have  20. found out who your friends are - not really no 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - refer to part 2 

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl -man i havent been on facebook in probably 5 years 

23. do you have any pets -  i wish i had a cat and a dog 

24. do you want to change your name - nah i have names i have always like but not enough to change my name.

25. what did you do for your last birthday - my last birthday was 4 days ago and it was withough a doubt the worst one i have had since the first once without mom...it was bad enough i dont feel like talking about it here

26. what time did you wake up today - about 9 around the time im up normally

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - sleeping trying to sleep through the worse of my sickness

28. what is something you can’t wait for - not much rn...idk Infinity Wars

30. what are you listening to right now - An episode of Brooklyn99 in the background.

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - not that i cant remember  32. something that’s getting on your nerves - oh lord a friend of mine was just over playing this stupid playing this stupid mobile game for 3 HOURS and i could not care less 33. most visited website - Youtube its my main form of entertainment with no satilite 34. hair colour - brown 35. long or short hair - long. to long almost ready for a cut 36. do you have a crush on someone - noup 37. what do you like about yourself - Do i have to answer this one? cause i cant think of an answer 38. want any piercings? -na  39. blood type - no idea 40. nicknames - Bunny. one of my mothers long time friends gave it to me when i was born. Easter was close to the 22nd in 1989

Publié à l'origine par lazylittleslothiam

41. relationship status - Single

Originally posted by batbobsession

42. zodiac - Aries 43. pronouns - she/her 44. fave tv shows - Futurama, Steven Universe Paks and rec, Brooklyn 99, Adventure Time Arrested Developement 45. tattoos - nah not a tattoo fan 46. right or left handed - Right handed. 47. ever had surgery - No not since i was born...long story 48. piercings - no i did when i was a kid but not now no thanks 49. sport - No never  50. vacation - id love to go to the mountains. love the cold and possible snow uh its great 51. trainers -dont understand

more general (why do these bullet points down here don’t care what I want, why tumblr?)

52. eating - nothing rn its almost 2 dont like to eat late

53. drinking - Water trying to stay hydrated

54. i’m about to watch -probably another b99 episode and try to sleep

55. waiting for - sleeeeeeeep

56. want -to feel better for more than a couple of months

57. get married - ROFL gotta find a signifigant other to get married

58. career - im 30 next year im to old or dumb to have a carrer at this point

which is better

59. hugs or kisses -i guess hugs. its all ive gotten 60. lips or eyes - eyes  61. shorter or taller - i genually have no idea...is same height an option i just want to look into her eyes without craining my neck

62. older or younger - older. i worry about being a cradle robber 63. nice arms or stomach -you got me pal 64. hookup or relationship -relationship....please? 65. troublemaker or hesitant - well im hesitant so kind of a trouble maker. or i guess more spontaneous then me

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nope 67. drank hard liquor - i dont drink 68. lost glasses - yea 69. turned someone down - yea i felt like shit 70. sex on first date - never been on a date but that would still be a no 71. broken someones heart - ...yea 72. had your heart broken - no i took it like a champ lol 73. been arrested - Nope. 74. cried when someone died - my mother’s last words were “Whose gonna take care of my Heather and my aunts were almost the same thing and when i heard that especially about my aunt i cried like never have before. 75. fallen for a friend - who do you think let me down easy?

do you believe in

76. yourself - NAHHHHHHHHH 77. miracles - Sure 78. love at first sight -not really no 79. santa claus -Sure 80. kiss on a first date - Why not 81. angels - absolutely

other

82. best friend’s name - @indigowallbreaker 83. eye colour - Brown 84. fave movie - to many to count but im gonna go with willy wonka and the chocolate factory. i feel like a kid every time i watch. Gene Wilder was amazing in it and ill never forget the song pure imagination. another one would probably be back to the future another classic as a kid i loved the car and the idea of time travel.the joney b good scene always made me want to learn to play the guitar.  85. fave actor - i honestly dont have alot Chris Evans, Terry Crews, Stephanie Beatriz, Sebestian Stan, Zendaya

Thank you SOOO much for this i love doing these much. i am way to tired to tag people honestly if you see this and want to fill it out fel free!

#im so god damn tired

[traumaticexperiences]

anonymous submission: on spanking being child abuse

On spanking being child abuse

I was scrolling through my tumblr and your post about spanking being child abuse showed up and I wanted to thank you.

My mom was abused as a child and then she ‘spanked’ us when we stepped out of line and by that I mean if we got low grades, talked back, or yelled at each other.

She thought it was funny. She once dragged me into her bedroom while i cried and apologized for a low mark in math and I peed myself. It was humiliating.

I didnt want her to touch me for years im still uncomfortable with it today. She doesn’t get why I don’t want her my mother to touch me and for awhile I didn’t know either.

I confronted her about it several times she’s admitted it was perhaps a little too 'harsh’ but never that it was abusive because HER childhood was abusive so therefor what I delt with was fine.

As a teenager I would cry at every report card. It didn’t matter if I got all 80% I was terrified that I was going to disappoint her my body remembered the humiliation and shame and the pain and I’d walk home shacking. Id get home hand over my report card and then hide in my closet.

She’d laugh at me and tell me that she cant hit me anymore because im older. But I was still scared. When she’d touch me I’d flinch and she’d get mad.

I remember how my mom would take her anger out on me still when I was older. There was no hitting but she’d call me useless and stupid for getting low grades. For not trying hard enough.

At school I was getting bullied for my weight and my weirdness at home I got bullied for not getting good grades. And if I cried she’d shame me more always reminding me she wouldn’t spank me because I’m too old for that now.

When I asked her why she was so harsh so mean why she shamed me for crying she said she was just toughening me up because the real world is harsh. I told her I was tough when it came to the real world but thar at home I should be allowed to cry and live without fear. She shrugged it off…

Today my brother has anger issues. As a teen he used to threaten to break and hit things when he was angry. Today he’s 23 he doesn’t get as angry anymore but only because he’s taking medicine to help with the anger he feels. He also fought through depression as a child and teen.

Im 21 I cry when someone raises a voice or a hand at me. I got into an emotionally abusive relationship at 12 with a man much to old for me because I wanted to feel loved. I stayed for 4 years in that relationship until I snapped and told my mom that I hated her thar she’d hurt me. She just thought it was teenage hormones. That same week I dumped my boyfriend. I had new friends that for the next 4 years would try and help me unlearn all the horrible things my mother and boyfriend had taught me.

As I said im 21 now. Im still unlearning things from my past. Im still getting better. Ive been fighting depression since I was 12. But I just want to tell anyone who’s lived anything similar that it gets better. I have a new relationship with someone who’s also lived through abuse and neglect. We love and support each other and have known each other 5 years now. Its hard but keep trying.

And if someone tell you the abuse you lived through wasn’t abuse because it was just a parent spanking you / yelling at you. Don’t believe them. Not for a second because what I lived through was abuse and it made the emotionally abusive relationship with a man who was 21 while I was 11 seem normal to me when it was ALL wrong.

It gets better. Be strong. And thank you blog maker for acknowledging how shitty and abusive spanking actually is.

///

you’ve been thru so much, and you’re really good and figuring out what happened and what was done to you. You’ve been exposed to so much hatred and cruelty, and your emotions were treated as if they weren’t important, even when you were suffering and struggling that hard. it must have been really isolating and  hard to suffer thru all of this, i hope things get better for you. 

[academicsapphic]

92 Question Tag

Tagged by @annikki-studies​ thanks a bunch!

LAST:

Drink: always water

Phone call: the pharmacy

Text message: “everyone i know just leaves after sleeping together unless they’re like dating” - me to a GC

Song you listened to: Crushed Little Stars - Mitski

Time you cried: i don’t even remember which frightens me cause i normally cry every five seconds

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: i haven’t even dated someone once 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t even kissed someone once 8. Been cheated on: see #6 9. Lost someone special: i don’t feel like i have?  10. Been depressed: it’s my way of life 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: okay so i did drink a punch at my friend’s party and i didn’t get drunk but my body completely rejected it cause i drank half a cup really slowly with water, was completely lucid, and ten minutes later started vomiting. that’s enough liquor for me i shall stick with beer. and im still salty cause i was like i wanna see what its like to be tipsy i wanna let loose and have fun! and my body was like “how about no fun and only puke”. all that to say: yes and no??? DON’T DRINK LIQUOR MIXED WITH JUICE IT’S A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN EITHER DO SHOTS OR DRINK BEER OR DRINK NOTHING

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: purple, certain blues, gray

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: omg so many. ive made shitty ones then i made my actual ones. all you do in college is make friends. 16. Fallen out of love: havent been in it. ive fallen out of infatuation though 17. Laughed until you cried: of course, all the time, my friends are ridiculous 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yeah that’s always a great feeling 19. Met someone who changed you: i’m sure lots of people i’ve met are responsible for who i am today  20. Found out who your friends are: yes, see #15  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: see #7 GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them why would i add strangers 23. Do you have any pets: a dog 24. Do you want to change your name: not really 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i think we went to dinner 26. What time did you wake up: like 6 something? not being at college means i have a normal sleep schedule and i hate it 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping i hate summer 28. Name something you can’t wait for: MOVE-IN MOVE-IN MOVE-IN I WANNA GO BACK TO UNI SO BAD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: about an hour or two ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: so many things i cant even list but also im very grateful for my life so like idk 31. What are you listening to right now: HIMYM 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ?? idk 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: summer, registration, sometimes my family 34. Most visited websites: Netflix, YouTube, Tumblr, Amazon, Vandy’s registration site, and MyFitnessPal

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: my arm, my neck, my chin 36. Mark/s: a lot, birthmarks, scars, places ive burned myself 37. Childhood dream: same one i have now, be a professional musician and performer 38. Hair color: dark almost black brown 39. Long or short hair: long, but recently my hair got cut and i actually really like it short too but for the long run, long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: no life is boring and im giving my feelings a break from getting hurt 41. What do you like about yourself: sometimes my music is good and my eyes are a nice color but i hate everything about me lol 42. Piercings: basic ears 43. Blood type: no idea  44. Nickname: Bree 45. Relationship status: single, as i have been for my whole life, as i will be for my whole life 46. Zodiac: Aquarius

47. Pronouns: she/her  48. Favorite TV Show: Fringe/The Office  49. Tattoos: Nope, maybe someday, something small on my wrist or hand, but probably not cause my pain tolerance is -100 50. Right or left hand: left 51. Surgery: nope 52. Hair dyed in different color: ive gotten highlights a couple times 53. Sport: softball from childhood through high school 55. Vacation: going to myrtle beach next week 56. Pair of trainers: what are trainers?  MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: just made myself dinner (veggie burger with lettuce bun and 100-calorie fries)  58. Drinking: water, obv 59. I’m about to: eat some frozen grapes and do some cardio 61. Waiting for: School to start jesus i wanna go back so bad

62. Want: all my wildest dreams to come true 63. Get married: i like really really wanna spend my life with someone so hopefully that happens someday 64. Career: idk yet. maybe grad school, maybe law school, maybe my music career will take off and ill get to do my passion for a living WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: i wouldnt know cause no kisses yet 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: for guys, taller, for girls i dont care cause theyre all so beautiful i shant dare have a preference for their anything 68. Older or younger: older but not by a lot 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i truly dont care i have neither so how could i judge 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive i love crying and i wanna have a df who cries too  72. Hook up or relationship: not that i could get either, but relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker cause im so hesitant HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: no 75. Drank hard liquor: yes it tastes so bad but i stuck through it to try to get drunk  76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: i literally lost my right contact at the beginning of senior year and spent the rest of highschool wearing just my left one. i’m a mess. i’ve never lost my glasses though *knock on wood* 77. Turned someone down: yes which is amazing 78. Sex on the first date: if im going on a date with someone ive probably already known them for a while since dating strangers terrifies me so sure maybe why not  79. Broken someone’s heart: doubt it 80. Had your heart broken: not truly? like ive never been in love but in an infatuation crush sense? literally all the time. i spent all second semester so heartbroken that i was in physical pain for months at a time over this guy i liked so much who had a girlfriend and was also really annoying so it wasnt even worth it. it took a therapy session to get out of it.

81. Been arrested: no my black ass would probably be killed first 82. Cried when someone died: yes 83. Fallen for a friend: I never fall for friends. that’s so weird to me. when i first meet you i’m either not attracted to you so you’re therefore just my friend, or i’m attracted to you and i can’t just like you as a friend so you’re a crush. but i’ve never been friends with someone i liked, i’ve only liked strangers and people i’ve never talked to cause im pathetic. i could never like one of my friends oh my god. when friends like me, i get so uncomfortable i can hardly look at them. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: honestly i have to cause its kind of hard to let down the only person on your team at all times  85. Miracles: kind of, i believe that everything happens for a reason and the universe/gods have a plan so if something miraculous happens it was meant to happen 86. Love at first sight: i believe in first really strong attraction that turns into love 87. Santa Claus: not anymore :’( 88. Kiss on the first date: definitely, even before the first date who cares  OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: don’t really have a single best friend 91. Eye color: brown 92. Favorite movie: Breakfast at Tiffany’s probably

#mine

[lunarmoonacnh]

i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight 

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio 

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist 

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog 

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh 

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive 

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad. 

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit 

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique  

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened 

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser 

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school 

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me 

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose 

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them 

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius 

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed 

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned 

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11 

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea 

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3 

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee 

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long 

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears 

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother  

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale 

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

#danielhowellsbooty

[cloudedstudies]

 tagged by @ubestudies !! go check them out!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: peppermint tea, but im currently drinking lavender (the tea train never stops lmao) 2. Phone call: ?? i dont do phone calls or texting lmao, but probably calling my friend by accident 3. Text message: my mom asking if i had to feed the dog or if she did it before she left 4. Song you listened to: we found two dead swans and filled their bodies with flowers by teen suicide 5. Time you cried: today lmao (but like i NEVER cry and when i do its a couple tears and completely silent so it doesnt even count)

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: havent even dated someone once 😎 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: again, havent kissed anyone 8. Been cheated on: i havent been in a relationship so 9. Lost someone special: no 10. Been depressed: yeah, ever since like fifth grade dude 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no but i wish lmao

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: dark green, metalic gold, and sunset yellow

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: nope, i go to a small school which has like 40 people in my grade so ive already clicked w who im gonna click with 16. Fallen out of love: no, but ive gotten over a depended (yay me!!) 17. Laughed until you cried: yeah 18. Found out someone was talking about you: no 19. Met someone who changed you: no 20. Found out who your friends are: what does this mean??  21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: 1) i dont have a facebook 20 ive never kissed anyone

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: dont have a facebook 23. Do you have any pets: yeah, three cats and a dog 24. Do you want to change your name: y e s but i dont know to what 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: nothing, i hate my birthday (and any holiday/celebration) so i dont celebrate it 26. What time did you wake up: 8:45 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping cause my parents turn off the wifi at fucking 10:30 and it makes me want to kill myself 28. Name something you can’t wait for: getting a new backpack

29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 30 mins ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: not having all these god damn chronic illnesses would be nice 31. What are you listening to right now: teen suicide come at me 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: nope 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: being told to get out of the bath when ive only been in there for 20 mins 34. Most visited websites: tumblr probably

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: i have tons, i got them from my grandma lmao 36. Mark/s: uhh what does this mean 37. Childhood dream: vet lmao generic af, then i wanted to be an astronaut  38. Hair color: red rn 39. Long or short hair: short 40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope, and i dont think ive ever had a crush lmao 41. What do you like about yourself: uhhh brain machine broke 42. Piercings: lobes and daith, though i want to get an industrial, double lobes, and tongue pierced 43. Blood type: i dont know but i think im an O based on my parents?? but idk how blood types work so 44. Nickname: i dont think i have one 45. Relationship status: single 46. Zodiac: aries 47. Pronouns: they/he 48. Favorite TV Show: uhh gravity falls or futurama or merlin

49. Tattoos: yes yes yes

50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: ear tubes when i was young, and i just had an endoscopy but idk if that counts as a surgery 52. Hair dyed in different color: yep 53. Sport: i used to do soccer and softball but then my asthma got bad n i started getting migraines so i couldnt continue (not that i wanted to) 55. Vacation: ?? 56. Pair of trainers: dark grey lace up vans or grey high top converse w painted toes by yours truly 

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: uhh?? i dont really know what this is asking but i cant eat much cause of chronic illnesses so i kinda live off of a green smoothie and a cup of rice a day 58. Drinking: i wiiiiish 59. I’m about to: go to sleep at 8 pm 61. Waiting for: anything really 62. Want: my fucking head to stop hurting and for my laptop brightness to work so i can turn it down 63. Get married: idk, i guess if i find the right person but its a bit icky for me 64. Career: neuroscientist 

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: mmm no touching pls and thank 66. Lips or eyes: lips cause i cant make eye contact 67. Shorter or taller: i dont really care 68. Older or younger: older i guess?? 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice  t h i g h s  71. Sensitive or loud: bitch better not be loud 72. Hook up or relationship: not into the whole sex thing so relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: neither??

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: nope, but i have had some “accidental” sips of cocktails 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: yes 77. Turned someone down: i think 78. Sex on the first date: sex never thanks 79. Broken someone’s heart: uhhhh?? i dont think so?? 80. Had your heart broken: yeah  81. Been arrested: nope 82. Cried when someone died: no 83. Fallen for a friend: not romantically but ive become dependent on many friends :))

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: nope 85. Miracles: idk 86. Love at first sight: not really 87. Santa Claus: no 88. Kiss on the first date: um depends on how long ive known them for 

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: i love all my friends equally™ 91. Eye color: green 92. Favorite movie: i dont watch movies

NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE:

 (im just doing ten sorry)

@studygranger @studyingjpg @inspiredtostudy @mssyblr @oiyama @ambedostudies @owlsanddaisychains @caeruleus-tales @studybutch @intellectys // and anyone else who wants to do this

#wowie my first question thing #question game #not studyblr

[hoetron]

okay christ i got tagged in htis massive tag game by @mothable but i love a good ol challenge lets do this buckfucks

RULES: ANSWER THESE 88, THEN TAG SOME PEOPLE

BASICS:

a. NAME AND PRONOUNS: Rae, she/her

b. AGE (and birthday!): 13, Aug 28th :3c im a fucking fetus ny’all

c. SEXUALITY: am i bi? am i lesbian? am i just craving existential death 24/7? i dont fucking know a thing my guy

d. GENDER: cis female hooooh

e. COUNTRY: AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI

f. FAVORITE AESTHETIC: pastel colours and really nice fashion i guess..??? (also smoking is kind of aesthetic eyes emoji eyes emoji)

TRIGGERS/MENTAL ILLNESSES: i’m not actually sure :x

THE LAST:

1. DRINK: salt water hah normal water is for the WEAK (dont drink salt water please im begging y

2. PHONE CALL: my brother asking what kind of pizza i wanted

3. TEXT MESSAGE: “:3c” im such a fufcking furry...fuckck,,,,

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Daydream warriors by Aquors listen nyall im reconnecting with my hidden buried weebass side of me okay im crying

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: i dont actually remember? probably like last year unless you count me having tears from laughing too hard as cryng then thats yesterday during the meme aka now called lightning mcqueen server

HAVE YOU:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nahh

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: dont think ive ever kissed someone thats not my family before im #Pure

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: nope lmao

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: my grandfather i guess? but he died when i was really young so at that time i didnt really undersyand the feeling of loss and mourn so ksdjfk but we had some goodass memories together

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: they ask you how you are and you just have to say that you’re fine when you’re not really fine but you just cant get into it because they would never understa

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: im severely underaged please

TOP 3 FAVORITE COLORS

12. red

13. yellow

14. either black or lavendar,,

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yis

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: ya,,

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: okay im known as the most giggly person in class i laugh so easily that i easily have tears over everything

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: nahh dont think i wanna know if its like in a bad way :x

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: aw y e s

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: ya :,) (Thanks em, lily, mae and imogen for making this year truly greater than last year and for being the best friends i could ever ask for)

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: facebook is dead to me

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: serious facebook is dead to me i roasted above the flames of negligence (also because i have like two facebook accounts one using my pesonal email and the other using my more general email , the one using my more general email keeps recommending to me my OWN personal account and its personally so hilarious)

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a cat called lucky! (i love him even though im p sure he hates me)

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: i guess my irl name uhhh im 50-50 with it? but granted on the internet i waaay prefer using the name Rae over my irl one because its short and simple and nice-

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: just want to a chinese resturant with my fam and my uncle because we’re simple that way and like. back then i didnt had that much friends so uh l m a o (but vidhi gave me a nerf gun so that was Really Cool and i love her)

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY: 9 oclocK BECAUSE A HOUSING AGENT WAS COMING OVER (but then i fell back to sleep and woke up at 12 so lmao)

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: watching a video on why ‘anime art isnt technically allowed in art school’ because i was just curious and then drawing 

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: VOLTRON LEGENDARY FUCKNG DEFENDERS SEASON 3 SHIT BABES IM REA LLY FUCKING PREPARED AND NEAR END OF MONTH AVCON BECAUSE EYES EMOJI

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: an hour ago lmao shes like just outside my room 

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: sighs my shyness and social anxiety and awkwardness (all three of those are counted in a pack right? the pack of “socially inept” people)

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: daydream warriors... by aquors..... (listen im RECONNECTING with my weeb side like said above im actually weeping)

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: uh idk mate

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: i havent brushed my teeth yet but im lazy to move my legs lmao

LOST QUESTIONS

34. MOLE(S): um quite a lot like a few small ones on my arm and like one on my face below my right eye and theres one underneath my boob i think lmao tmi and the rest i cant be bothered to find

35. MARK(S): a kind of burnt scar mark on my left shoulder from like 6/7 years ago when i got too close to someone smoking and their cigarette burnt me oh and a scar on my knee from the time i fell off my bike while playing bike catching in the neighbourhood with a couple of other friends like 4 years ago?

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: vet (now im eh about that tho im probably just going to pursue some art career)

37. HAIR COLOR: brown eyy

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: long

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: yeah. hopefully its dying down now especially since the person is straight (its hard when she sits next to you in class and you guys are sort of friends now and u somehow feel really satisfied when you make her laugh :,) shit )

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: im generally kind with people regardless of whether or not i dont like them or i dont know them well or i know them i guess? (at least in my group of friends im probably the most willing to socialise with others) and uhhhh i guess i can make people laugh? im a huge fucking loser meme nyall

41. PIERCINGS: none and personally dont really want to 

42. BLOODTYPE: shit  i think it was either a B or an O i cant remember (i think its B tho)

43. NICKNAME(S): maggie, migi, bela, bob, bobbo

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single pringle 

45. ZODIAC: virgo

46. PRONOUNS: she/her (lmao yay for repeated question)

47. FAVORITE TV SHOW: fuckngin,,, voltron,,, (probably going to stay my favourite for a long while tho)

48. TATTOOS: none atm (unless you count waterbase tattos then yes stick all the water based tattos on me) but like when im Much Older maybe? just a really small tattoo tho not anything big that covers an entire limb

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: right

50. SURGERY: had a surgery on my foot forgot which side when i was in kindergarten because the skin was *censored for tmi* and yah stitching up your skin fucking hurt babes

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nahhh i dont think id dye my hair tho who knows

52. SPORT: im probably going to retake up basketball again eyes emoji eyes emoji

53. VACATION: ooMMF nothing planned so far

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: like uhhh what kind of sneakers?? just normal canvas sneakers i guess????? im, what.

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: OXYGEn

56. DRINKING: IN OXYGEN

57. I’M ABOUT TO: complete this fucking 88  questions then chat on discord and scroll tumblr and tell myself “hey finish up your art!” but then 5 hours later im still scrolling tumblr. oh and im watching wonder woman later so :3c

58. WAITING FOR: nothing atm i guess?

59. WANT: my family’s financial situation to be solved and so that money isnt going to be a huge bother anymore...

60. GET MARRIED: sounds nice but probably only marriage idk the idea of kids doesnt really sound v appealing atm

61. CAREER: artist! (i wanna either work in a game development team or an animation studio eyes emoji ) 

62. HUGS OR KISSES: HUGS

63. LIPS OR EYES: lips erally nice to draw really nice to look at

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: buhhh im short so i guess taller would be nice (tall people have such nice legs too im frankly a little jealous)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: what is this in regards to

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: arms so that dO YOU SEE THESE GUNS

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: shrug emoji idk man

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: troublemaker pardnyars in crime amirite

HAVE YOUR EVER:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: no

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nope 

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yeah p sure i had to go through a whole day of school half blind once without my glasses

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: nah..

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nO IM 1 3 

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: dont think so?

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: nah babes

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nah

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: somehow when someone dies i decide to laugh instead of breaking down in tears i guess laugh away the pain?

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: ...shit its a bad idea babes dont do it

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. YOURSELF: shrug emoji

81. MIRACLES: sometimes? sometimes no?

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: even bigger shrug emoji

83. SANTA CLAUS: nah lmao listen i caught my father and mother wheeling in bicycles for my sister and i when i was like what 8? usually i just played along because hey i was a child

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: ehh depends i guess

85. ANGELS: not really lmao

OTHER

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): Emily, Mae Shuen and Lily

87. EYECOLOR: dark brown?

88. FAVORITE MOVIE: this changes all the time

only tagging uhhh @pluminkdot (KASJD I FORGOT IF YOU HAD A MAIN REBLOG ACC IM SORRY RACH), @jaspereffect , @blabrabs / @spaceboomerang (it isnt letting me tag ur main boomers skldfjksd) and uh im too lazy for the rest

#raedy to talk shit #mattie #mothable #w e eps #this took fucking forever babes #LONG POST

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

19/f I broke up on Wednesday the 22nd of feb. i had been with my boyfriend for over 4 years we were the happiest until tuesday the 21st when one of his friends called him and told him I had cheated on him over the summer when I went to europe with my friends. The only thing that happen this past summer was the fact that one of my guy friends has always supposedly felt something for me. But he’s an ass and i would never do anything with him nor date him. Ever. He texted me a couple of times and I was very stupid and thought that because it was my graduation trip I could not be unfaithful but ahhh idk the thing is i was a bit flirty and that was wrong. When I came back to mexico from europe my bf saw my phone and he saw the convo. He literally fell apart. Bc he knew before that this guy had always been around and he hated him for always being nosy and trying to get between us. In august we talked about it, obviously I begged for his forgiveness bc i knew I had done something wrong. I was wrong for being flirty and to allow the conversation to keep going but that was all it was!!! 

I told this to my bf and he decided to forgive me and “let it go”. We had been dating for another 5 months or so and as I said before one of his friends over heard a conversation my guy friends that were in europe while I was there were having and he told my bf what he had heard. My bf told me he had to talk to me on tuesday so he did. He bluntly asked me If i had cheated and I literally said NO I DIDNT. He immediately said i dont belive you. I started crying I was devastated to think that he could actually think I was capable of doing somethig like that and even if i had that I would have the guts to keep it from him for all this time. I told him on tuesday that I couldn’t be with aomeone who could think so little of me and someone who couldnt trust me. We were both devastated and crying. He told me he was sorry for doubting me and he believed that I hadnt done it. He left my house and we didnt actually get to Any conclusion. On wednesday we texted and I told him i had said everything I needed to say so when he was ready to talk he could tell me and I would gladly hear him out. That same day at night he came over and as we started talking he started crying like he seemed so frustrated with his head like he could not control what was happening in there. He said he couldnt do it anymore. That his insecurities were past that and right now what he needed was time to put his mind in order and not be all judgmental and not trust me. I told him I agreed and i respected that he wasn’t comfortable and neither was I. I didn’t deserve to be with someone who doesn’t tryst me and he should be with someone he could trust. We cried for like an hour amd he told me how in love h was worh me that he wanted to marry me, he couldnt imagine live without me, he could mever have

PART 2. He could never have enough of me and he would think about me all the time. Etc etc etc. I decided not to retain my feelings because i knew if i was going to break up and I didnt tell him about everything I felt I was going to regret it afterwards. We kissed, we hugged, we didnt end on bad terms. I am having such a hard time because he is the love of my life I cant believe everything ended because of a lie, a lie he couldnt put my word before his friends and would not put me first. I understand this may be whats best because if he was having such a hard time the relationship wouldve ended worse? The thing is i keep telling myself I have to get over him and just move on but deep in my heart i know i would give anything for him to forgive me, trust me in order to get back with him. I know he needs time. He needs time to think what happened and make sense out of it. I do think once his head is a little less asdfghjkl he will understand he was dumb and he loves me. But I cant fathom the fact that we’re over. Idk why but i just think this is all a bad dream and his just going to call me tomorrow to pick me up and just be like we were on monday that we were the happiest. I know i shouldnt call him not because of pride but bc i really didnt do anything wrong (other than flirting a bit but he knee and frogave me about that already) and If i call him or text him he might think I feel guilty and i felt the need ti get things straight but I did that already. 

So i dont know know to convince myself that its over and I wont get back to him. What do you think will happen, i am having the worst time. And i mean through out the day ive been hanging out with friends to not think about that so much and ive had a good time but when im alone in bed i just cantZ and Ive dreamed about him every day since we broke up. U dream that he talks to me and tries to get back. Ive also dreamed about us if we had never broken things off. Im just having a hard time i dont want to expect anything but something inside me does expect him to take me back. I forgot to mention he is 21, he is actually very mature but he has always been the guy that worries too much about everything so i see where he is coming from but still. His friends are the kind if guys who would tell him yeaah dint worry lets get drunk blah blah and I really think he needs a real friend to talk to to get some sense in to him and not even for us to getting back together but someone who actually hears him out and gives him good advice. Thank you i’ll wait for your response and I’ll try not to die in the meantime.

hey there <3 the way you ended the relationship was honest and mature, I’m really proud of you for being able to do that (: I completely agree with you -- you don’t deserve to be with someone who can’t trust you, someone who could think so little of you! I think you did the right thing by ending the relationship, I really do .

you only ended the relationship 3 days ago! sometimes it can take weeks and months to finally move on -- this pain isn’t something that will disappear overnight, give yourself time to grieve and to start to heal. it’s natural that you feel disorientated at the moment? like you were in a relationship with someone for a long time!! and now that has all changed, it’s going to take some time to adjust. 

keep yourself busy and spend time with friends like you mentioned? try to keep some order and stability and routine with things -- like if you always have breakfast then keep on getting up each day to have breakfast, if you always have showers at night then keep doing that. your life has just changed a lot, and keeping up with routine can help to make the transition a bit easier. 

take away things that remind you of him (trust me constant reminders in your life of someone never helps!), listen to music that makes you feel good, take it one day at a time. this pain will ease, things will become easier to manage, it won’t hurt so much. talk to friends about all of this, don’t keep it bottled up!

maybe in time your ex boyfriend will understand in time that what he did (ie. not believing you about not cheating) was dumb, maybe he will clear his head! but in the mean time? focus on you, focus on doing what is best for you. much love <3

- tash

#advice #submission #fanmail #breakup #19f #heartache

[virginia-werewoolf]

Hello to all!!! It’s been a crazy few months and I haven’t had the time to really go on Tumblr much less post about everything going on in my life but i am going to today!!

I’m currently finishing up my senior year of high school and lemme tell u - it’s been wild!!! But so fun. This last Relay for Life was probably my favorite one yet & I wish I could just have one more. When I went my freshman & sophomore year I was still so, so shy and only talked to people I already knew. This year, though, I talked to the new speech & debate kids and they were some of the sweetest people I have met in high school!! I always get so nostalgic for speech and debate when I am around the newer kids in the club. I can’t lie - being in that club was the only time throughout my whole high school experience that I felt as though I was a part of something good. I quit because it did stress me out a bit and I wanted to join photography my sophomore year and just always kind of found an excuse not to go back after that (even though I always knew I should’ve). Prom was nice - we ate at the Venetian and danced our lil hearts out at Panis Hall. I felt moderately pretty. I got into an argument with my best friend, Vincent, that night - he’s been a real dick lately & I couldn’t put up w it anymore that night in the Red Rock parking lot!!! I have been holding a few grudges against him since then but this weekend I have gotten some time to think it over for the first time & I think I’ve made my peace with him!! After prom was the Disney trip - which has been a WILD ride for a few months now. There was a lot of fishy business going on w the stuco advisor but finally - LITERALLY 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE BUS LEFT - I got a seat on the bus!!!! I wasn’t ready at all because I didn’t want to pack a bunch & get excited just to end up having to go to math that day - but I had such a good time in my bummy school clothes & 2 best friends!!! Even if I didn’t get to take pictures and we didn’t get to finish exploring California adventure because we were all grumpy and tired. The bus ride with Vincent was so fun and I didn’t really think about all the things I was upset at him for. On the 24th, then, we had grad walk AND senior awards!! I did the travel grad walk with Ni-Ni and we got to go to our elementary and middle schools + pat diskin in our caps and gowns with all the current students lining the halls cheering us on!! It was so pure. The elementary schoolers were so so so cute n proud of us & it was the first time it rly set in that this is happening!!! Plus I saw my 4th grade teacher and she remembered me BY NAME. I foreal cried on the way back to the bus bc of it. Awards night was nice too - I sat next to a kid I hadn’t talked to since middle school but it wasn’t awkward and we made jokes to each other all night!! It was kinda cute. Like it really felt like we were all in this together. I luvvvved cheering on my friends & just other kids in my classes who I may not talk to much but it still feels like we’re on the same boat supporting each other!! I got my Ronald Mcdonald award that night + my hispanic educator award (two scholarships totaling $1500!!!!) I also have to go to a HUGE district wide ceremony & read part of the speech that won me the hispanic educator award the day after graduation!! Yikes but I’m excited. I think that’s basically all the senior events left except maybe the senior bbq??? But that’s not a big deal. I’m not sure if there’s a senior sunset and I know I posted about being upset that I didn’t go to senior sunrise but on the bus ride home from Disney, I woke up for a split second and saw the sunrise over the California desert with my best friend sleepin next to me, his arm latched onto mine & maybe that’s enough.

BUT YEAH. IM FUCKING GRADUATING. My checkout card is signed !! My 7th grade english teacher who i am super close to has her flight booked !!! Can u believe it!!

Work-wise, I was having a really hard time for a while. I was desperately looking for another job & was about to transfer because the theatre made me want to kill myself!!! My exs friends and my managers were talking so so so much shit abt me. They said some of the worst things they couldve possibly said about me - and were so condescending at a time where i was extremely insecure because i was hung up over a boy that treated me like shit & had just lost so many friends. I couldnt even imagine staying until summer - but the universe helped me out and made it so that 2 of my most condescending managers transferred & i stopped getting scheduled so much with my exs friends and things just got… better. I stopped crying everyday - or any day - at work and actually turned down an interview because i figured id just wait until july to look for another job (thats how long im required to stay at my current to qualify for a 10k dollar scholarship i think i have a good shot at getting!!). I dont feel trapped and dread going to work anymore anymore and its so so so relieving. For a second there, it really had such a strong hold on my life and im so glad thats over. It was not healthy at ALL

Driving wise - ive been driving a lil bit a few days a week now and im really enjoying it !! It is not as scary as i thought itd be. I still have a lot to learn but i think im doin pretty good + i have 3k saved up for a car & im so excited !!!

This summer is also gna be super fun - im gna throw so many parties bc all of my bffs are leavin im august for college + spend a week explorin LA w my sister which im so excited abt !!! Im super broke atm bc i had to borrow a bunch of money from my mom for grade nite & am trying to pay it back asap but hopefully any grad money will be enough to cover it so i can buy books n cute knick knacks freely while im on vacay!! Especially since my body decided to hit a second fuckin puberty this winter & none of my summer clothes fit me anymore :( ive been dressing so bummy lately bc of it but ive been too busy to care. I gotta get clothes b4 going to LA tho!!! Other than that though i really just want this summer to be abt me. I feel like even tho i KNOW i need time to myself, i always try to get the most out of literally ANY possible relationship in my life :( its such a bad thing but i hate passing up opportunities like that bc what if, u know? To love and be loved in return is what I always thought i wanted most in this world!!! But i think i just need to consider where situations like this are really going before i compromise the time i set aside to work on myself for it. SO unless i can really see something going somewhere, this summer is goin to be about reading, writing, filming, and taking care of myself !!! I want to eat better (vegetarian & vegan whenever possible!!) and exercise and take care of my skin and just get shit done in general (maybe learn to knit finally???) Im even gonna start a bullet journal!!! I think it will help keep me feelin like myself as well as stay productive & organized in college + its just such a cute hobby Not to mention my sister is ENGAGED?????? My BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! I will save the sappy stuff for later posts/my maid of honor speech but she really deserves this more than anyone. It hurts to see her movin out after 18 years of sleepin 10 feet away from her - if it were any earlier than this i wouldnt have been able to handle it - but im excited to be independent & im sure we’ll be sendin each other funny memes and visiting each other 24/7!! She is my best friend after all, and im just so happy to see her happy that i cant even be that sad abt losing our early morning laughs and late night talks - at least not yet!! Maybe it just hasnt set in yet

#personal #update: theres no senior sunset my school sucks