#cried like 5 times bc i was anxious

[oxyfem]

having social anxiety is soooo stupid wdym im afraid of people. im people......

#cried like 5 times bc i was anxious #im fine now btw #one thing about me i will cry if im anxious or if i see a sad movie #but any other emotion im like :| #i am a sympathy crier though......

[pepprs]

not to keep liveblogging the retreat but it’s over now (it has been for most of the day). i cried so much today and it was amazing. im so sad and so happy and so relieved and so tired and so proud

#purrs #retreat tag #i was rly anxious facilitating today and overwhelmed bc we had to pack (i didn’t help at all and felt terrible) and i didn’t finish writing #notes to ppl and i had to facilitate and i was nervous abt the emotions. and then we got there and i said the final words and started crying #and this time EVERYONE was looking at me. but it wasn’t sad tears it was like…. wow. look at this. we made this together. we went through so #much this week and also for three years and we did it and it all mattered so much and we’re here together. and i felt all my past and future #selves and pods and cohorts in that moment and all the ones i didn’t get to see too. and it was so… wow. and then i was bawling when we were #hugging goodbye and someone in my pod hugged me for like a solid 2 minutes it felt like and we were just rocking each other and crying 🥹🥹🥹🥹 #it doesn’t even feel real but also it was SO real. i can’t believe it’s over. not to keep talking a but crying but i cried for like an hour #when i got picked up and we went back to the hotel omg.. like this was MONTHS of intensive prep and planning plus 2 years of the heaviest LY #lifts to put on diminished versions of this magical thing and we got to do it this time and everything that led up to that mattered and the #ripples will roll out forever. im a little scared bc part of me feels distant from it bc i know so much now and have a lot of experience w i #it but like.. this program changed my whole life. introduced me to so many of the people i love. exploded my world into light. and i got to #be part of doing that for 43 other people. i feeel so lucky and warm #i feel cringy for talking abt it on here liek it’s disingenuous / just for performance but i rly mean that its just thisis my public diary 🥴 #like omg. 5 years ago. and 3 years ago. and last semester. and now it’s over???? but also it’s just beginning. wild #naur also im a staff coach now and it was kinda sad the distance i felt. like they were scared of me / felt like i was untouchable a little #bit but it’s like… im only a couple years older than you. someone in my pod was a year older than me! so that was sad. but it was good

[tblueger]

15 people 15 questions

i was tagged by @girlfriendline and @babygirlboberrey THANK YOUUU

1. are you named after anyone?

no i just liked the name :3 ALTHOUGH. after i started using theo i watched teen wolf and the chilling adventures of sabrina, both of which feature a character called theo. but i had it FIRST. OKAY.

2. when was the last time you cried?

uhhhhhhh before christmas i think? but i can't remember when. or why. 👍

3. do you have kids?

IM kids. (23). no i do not and idk if i ever want to tbh

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

i used to play netball & a little bit of (field) hockey! also not sure it technically counts as a sport but i like to go ice skating :3

5. do you use sarcasm?

yes but in the bad, autistic way where no one seems to pick up on it and i have to explain it every time :/

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?

probably clothes ? i struggle with faces so even if i do look at that first, as soon as i stop looking at it it is completely blank. but also idk i don't. meet that many new people and whenever i do something where The Public is i try to avoid eye contact as much as possible.

7. what's your eye colour?

grey/green :3

8. scary movies or happy endings?

i'm a horror bitch forever and ever and ever. i want blood and tragedy and gore and destruction and that is why i am a fan of the minnesota wild. 🫶

9. any talents?

i hate this question bc what are we counting as a talent. um. every joint in my body cracks?

10. where were you born?

england ! big up yorkshire babyyyyyy

11. what are your hobbies?

i like writing and horror (resident evil and saw and texas chainsaw massacre and dead by daylight and friday the thirteenth an) and POKEMON and reading and ice skating. obviously hockey. i don't bake as much as i want to but i like baking as well ^_^

12. do you have any pets?

two!! two cats: spike (black and white tabby, incredibly clingy and anxious and floppy. my soppy silly baby) and tyla (fat and orange and So demanding and spoilt. he likes to be lifted into the sink so that he can drink out of the tap and insists on being escorted everywhere like a stupid little prince)

13. how tall are you?

5'9

14. favourite subject in school?

i was a little NERD. in school. i liked all of it. i have awards for further maths (like regular maths, but More) and chemistry so. maths and chemistry <3 except then i went and got a degree in chemistry which sucked and now i hate it. so.

15. dream job?

I Do Not Dream Of Labour. but author probably ... that's what i've wanted to do since i was like. 9 and read percy jackson LOL

and then i'm tagging. uh. i think everyone's already been tagged but im going to do it again. @timbitshockey @amandaleveille @masonshaws @girldewar @kittyjarry @wildaboutmnhockey @jasonzucker and? the girl reading this.

[quinnhills]

Good to know you're feeling welcome! :D this is our little place in the internet, and we've decided to make it trans and gay as hell (n i gotta say, i did think "they-them gang! :o" when i found out you started using they/them too a while ago X3 ) n if you received this ask more than once, my tumblr bugged out before i could finish, sorry (。_。)

anyways, and sorry if this is long, but Woe- More Tumblr Things Be Upon Ye:

there used to not be an image limit before, causing a few- interesting posts… tho that changed a few years ago and recently, at first the limit being 10 images per post to now 30 images per post (you can also move the images around a bit)

if you plan on staying long term on tumblr and use desktop the most, i recommend getting the browser extensions Xkit &/or New Xkit cuz… yeah, tumblr is pretty nice, but it sometimes gets hard to use. it also adds extra useful things to the tumblr experience, which is nice to have. i'd say tumblr is like living in a cheap apartment in a calm area of the city. the place's great for what it is, just gotta be sure to leave rat traps near holes and dont worry about the Beast down the hall,

speaking of rats, we got an infestation. you may or may not have heard of it with the voter fraudage going with the polls a bit ago; since tumblr has little to No email verification, people outside tumblr buy bots to get in here and start posting malicious links. tho the bots are surprisingly easy to identify (often times blank blogs with very weird descriptions + stolen picture of lady or ai generated. you'll know it when you see it), and the protocol here is block and report spam so staff can deal with it

and btw if you want to keep a post for as long as your blog stands, i recommend rebloggin! thanks to how tumblr is build as, even if the original post or that blog is gone, the reblog will stay with you (+ tags on reblogs dont really make a post expand outside of your own blog, so many use this to create Very intricate personal tag systems to make easier finding posts, bc once a blog gets 1k+ post in it, it gets hard finding anything on it... <- knows this from experience u.u)

oh and last thing before i go again (and something i found out recently), another browser extension ive been loving: Stylus! with it you can customize a ton of sites to your liking And with a specific style found in the archive of this extension, you can change how the dashboard looks! even changing the background to any image you might want :D

so yeah, thats it, for now. i got more info if you want it, just lmk 👉👈

and you probably already noticed this, but there isnt really any word limit for posts or asks around these lands. tho on tags, the character limit on a single tag is 139. but you can put a Lot of tags, so there! be free mx quinn, no character limit holds you down no more ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ

Thank you so much for the knowledge!

Some Quinn Facts:

Mx., Ms. and Miss are all acceptable :)

I use “gay as hell” as a sort of tongue-in-cheek shorthand, but I also identify as trans as hell, queer as hell, non-binary as hell, lesbian as hell, and anxious/depressive as hell

I’m a vegetarian

My favorite food is pineapple pizza (controversial, I know)

For a few years in the early 2000s, I was a licensed auctioneer

The most times I’ve ever cried during a movie is 5 times during Happiest Season

I like the idea of books, but I’m bad at reading them

Overalls give me gender euphoria, and I don’t know why

I hope to release a solo album within the next year

I hope to direct a feature-length film by the time I’m 40

Coming out was the best thing I ever did

#i am now testing the one hundred and thirty-nine character limit of the tagging system—not because I don’t believe you but because this just #is how my brain works #limit reached #test complete #thank you

[and-stir-the-stars]

Yeah I've tried drawing the next stage of Grab&Go Evan's life 5 times and cried every time bc I'm shit at drawing, so, um. Lore drop on the two semi-decent pieces I made. Cool? Cool.

Evan two or three years after being kidnapped by Mike

his hair is really wavy and curly

has a star clip that he likes wearing. Evan’s fascination with stars and space carried over despite Evan repressing, yk, everything about his past. Mike gets hesitant and anxious every time Evan expresses interest in things he liked pre-kidnap, because of course any little thing with any relation to Evan's life pre-kidnap has the potential to spark Evan's repressed memories back to life. But Mike does ultimately let Ev have the star clip without a fight; for the most part, Mike tries not to be paranoid about Evan’s repressed memories (emphasis on tries...). Mike tells Evan to fist fight bullies when they make fun of his "girly" hair clip.

Evan has started growing his hair out to look more like Mike.

Evan is a really lonely kid, both in part due to his anxiety and due to Mike's overprotectiveness. Being, you know, several decades in the future doesn't help Evan's inexplicable feelings that he doesn't fit in, either. Ev's entire world and entire support system is essentially just Mike, so Evan looks up to Mike, hence wanting to look more like him.

Mike's hair, while typically wavy, is almost always flat and stringy from how little Mike washes his hair. Evan not only asks Mike to stop cutting his hair so short, Ev also gets annoyed by how curly his own hair is. So, when Evan noticed that his hair gets less curly when greasy, he tries weaseling his way out of showers and baths so he won't have to wash his hair.

Mike doesn't realize that Ev is trying to look more like him until Ev asks Mike to cut his (Ev's) bangs to be "less curly and look more like yours?"

When Mike refuses (blah blah, Mike's self-loathing, blah blah), Evan decides to cut his hair on his own. But no amount of cutting makes his curls go away, and Ev ends up cutting off way more than he intended, not just off his bangs but off everything else too. It looks so bad that Mike essentially has to cut off the rest and give Evan close-cropped hair to salvage Ev's appearance.

smth smth the sun on his shirt is both 1) a star (feeding his obsession with space) and 2) has relation to Mike (Mike's sunburst clock)

Evan wants to look more like Mike but his own personality still bleeds through, hence the not very Mike-esque clothes

#grab&go au #fnaf au #Fnaf #evan afton #the crying child #fnaf 4 #the afton kids

[frankenjoly]

thanks for tagging me @bunniezai @demolitionlovrsskk (don't mind being tagged twice, in fact that's how i remembered i forgot doing it the first time alsdkjf sorry) :3

1) Were you named after anyone?

claudia from interview with a vampire, bcs my mom thought she was cute in the movie (and i still haven't seen it even when i wanna, shame on me).

2) Last time you cried?

can't say for sure, but definitely not too long ago. i cry quite easily in general, and with fiction in particular.

3) Do you have children?

no, and i don't think i will.

4) Do you play sports?

i go to the gym for the dance activities or yoga, but that's pretty much it.

5) Do you use sarcasm?

yeah, when joking and so (aka when it's obvious i'm not being serious).

6) What's the first thing you notice about people?

dunno? maybe the eyes and if they seem nice.

7) What's your eye color?

greyish blue.

8) Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings all the way. i'm picky with scary movies bcs jumpscares make me anxious alsjf.

9) Talents?

i think i write good (or at least it's one of the things i'm 100% confident about myself), and i'm kinda witty when it comes to making puns.

10) Where were you born?

i'm just gonna say spain, bcs, y'know.

11) What are your hobbies?

writing (both fics and rp), reading, videogames, watching shows/movies (mainly anime nowadays bcs god bless 20 min eps).

12) Do you have any pets?

nope.

13) How tall are you?

159 cm.

14) Favorite school subject?

biology, and also liked arts.

15) Dream job?

i wanna do science, preferably. but tbh, i can make do with anything that doesn't crush me and gives money and free time to live (i'm quite good at my current one but it's not for indefinitely).

No pressure tags: @ildi-dragonheart @noirewaves @zukkaoru @llilli64 @diary-ofamadwoman @fyodorkitkat @louisjamesmoriarty

#tag game #this was fun #:3

[gaym3bo1]

15 people, 15 questions

(if this means i'm gonna have to tag 15 ppl i'm gonna cry @non-binarypal7 @xagan @airenyah but thank u anyways hfhfh)

1. Are you named after anyone?

I'm named after two different political activists who share the same name lmao one marxist and one anti-segregation, ur allowed to guess

2. When was the last time you cried?

just before NYE bc i was completely overwhelmed and just wanted my peace and quiet (that i didnt get for like 3 weeks bc of the holidays)

3. Do you have kids?

lol no, i couldn't even raise a dog if i wanted to

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

i don't do any and i rlly should, but i was on a volleyball team for like 2 years in high school

5. Do you use sarcasm?

frequently, but apparently i've gotten worse at it and ppl can't hear it from my tone anymore, maybe i'm too deadpan with it

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

depends, but height is an obvious one

7. What’s your eye color?

Green? ish?

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

as long as it's not psychological horror/thriller i like both to a certain extent but i guess i'd choose happy endings (though i'm a strong fighter for 'not every story needs a happy end pls stop')

9. Any talents?

i'm self-depricating and feel like i'm failing at life so i'd like to say "None lol" but my friends would beat my ass so i'll say i'm quite good at picking up new hobbies/basic skills? And i'm a good cook!

10. Where were you born?

gemrany (yea i'll leave that typo, censor the place)

11. What are your hobbies?

making video edits of gay ass shows

reading fanfics abt gay ass shows

crocheting

drawing [hasn't drawn anything as a hobby in months]

eating delicious food (genuinely)

12. Do you have any pets?

3 snails <333 they are lovely and adorable and poop all day every day!

15. What is your dream job?

being the private chef for a friend that's suddenly rich for some reason. more realistically i would love working on tv shows or movies but also i know i'm not good enough AND i know how horrible the jobs are so i actually don't really. at least not as a long-term prospect but i'd love to try

tagging following 15 people:

....... tagging ppl in the last post already took all my social anxiety for the day, so i'll leave this for anyone who sees bc i am nosy but anxious (tag me i wanna see)

#rambles #tag game

[kingdomvel]

15 questions for 15 friends

tagged my @somethingsteff and @sky-kenobye thank you!!! <33

1. Are you named after anyone?

Yep, but I'm not telling you who bc it's a famous person heh

2. When was the last time you cried?

i don't remember actually, I almost did two days ago but it seems I'm back to no being able to cry

3. Do you have kids?

nope, don't even have a partner to have kids with

4. What sports do you play/ have you played?

I wouldn't call it 'play' but I did a bit of judo when I was young, then I did horse riding for like six years and I've been going skiing since I was like four

5. Do you use sarcasm?

yep, too much maybe

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

hmmm a general vibe? I couldn't tell you what exactly

7. What's your eye colour?

dark brown

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings! scary movies are good to watch sometimes but I seek happy endings in stories

9. Any talents?

I really... don't know the answer to this. I'm good with computers?? maybe that??

10. Where were you born?

a red cross hospital in spain 🔴🟡🔴

11. What are your hobbies?

I like reading and writing and sometimes drawing. I play the piano on occasions and I play videogames. Also watching films and shows and all that.

12. Do you have any pets?

nope

13. How tall are you?

168cm (at least they said so when I got my driver's licence)

14. Favourite subject in school?

Physics actually, the only reason I didn't study physics was because my teacher on the last year of high school was horrible

15. Dream job?

i really really don't know how to answer that and it makes me anxious just thinking about it ;-;

I feel like I'm so late to this?? and I'm lost about who has done it already (most people I know) so sorry if you have already done it but I'm going to tag @heretolurkandnothingmore and @tomicaleto

#about me #tag games

[rosenallies]

Can you write a phone sex au prompt where Rosie tells Nali she's proud of her because she knows Nali never heard that enough from her parents growing up? Please I use your prompts as therapy.

projecting your emotions and mental illnesses onto fic characters or fictional characters in general should be a therapist recognized coping skill tbh <3 also this is like a little condensed version of those 5+1 fics bc I had a lot of little ideas so here’s that instead of one full prompt <3

——

Rosé curled herself around Denali, their still naked bodies sticking together with the sweat that had accumulated.

“I’m proud of you,” Rosé whispered, kissing her shoulder.

Denali laughed, looking down at her, amused, “For what? You’re the one who made me cum 3 times in a row.”

Shrugging, Rosé kissed her again. “I just am.”

Denali stayed silent, shifting closer to Rosé and resting her cheek on the crown of her head, a weird feeling blooming in her chest.

••

“Rosieeee,” Denali sing-songed, attempting to crawl back inside from the fire escape, a puff of smoke coming in with her.

Rosé flew to her feet, guiding Denali to the floor in a fluid movement, briefly afraid she’d fall. “Jesus, Nali, how much did you smoke?” She laughed, shaking her head.

“Two bowls,” Denali giggled, looking into Rosé’s eyes, hers half lidded and glazed over.

“Wow, is that a new record? Proud of you,” she joked, poking Denali in the side then guiding her to the couch to sit with her.

••

Denali rested her head in her hands as she cried, the phone ringing as she waited for Rosé to pick up.

Finally, she did and Denali couldn’t help but sob into the phone the second she heard her voice.

“Denali, honey? Are you okay?”

“N-no, I-I’m s-so-“

“Breathe with me, darling, breathe-“ Rosé coached softly, praising her when she followed Rosé’s lead, breathing quietly on the other line with her, “good job, baby, I’m so proud of you.”

“Proud?” Denali choked, “you’re proud of this? I’m so-“

“I told you that you can call me whenever you feel anxious and I meant that. You’ve been telling me only after the fact about the panic attacks you’ve been having so I’m very proud of you for calling me for support during it.”

“No one’s ever really said they’re proud of me,” Denali admitted softly, cheeks warm.

“Well, I am. I’m very proud of you, sweetheart.”

••

“Baby, why don’t you tell them about how one of the teams you coach won gold at the state champtionships last week?” Rosé exclaimed, eyes sparkling as she urged Denali to tell her parents about their daughter’s most recent accomplishment.

Glancing over at her, Denali’s mother only shrugged, unimpressed, “Just state?”

Denali shifted anxiously in her seat, cheeks burning with shame. “I-I don’t know I was kind of proud of them,” her voice dropped to a whisper, “and myself.”

“Pride is what ruins work ethic,” her mother laughed as if it was a nothing but a lighthearted joke and not something that made tears prick in her daughter’s eyes.

Meanwhile, beside Denali, anger burned in the pit of Rosé’s stomach. “Well, I am very proud of you,” she said pointedly, “you worked very hard on that number.”

••

Tw// ed

-

-

“Baby, tell me what happened,” Rosé briefly glanced over at Denali from the road, her knees pulled to her chest in the passenger seat of their car, “please.”

Denali felt sick to her stomach, her mother’s comment forcing itself to the center of her brain. “My mom made a comment about how I shouldn’t have finished everything on my plate during dinner,” she said quickly like if she got the words out all at once they might leave her forever.

Rosé sighed, brows furrowed together as she continued to focus on the dark road ahead. “Baby, that isn’t true,” she said, heart aching for her. There was a time where a comment like that directed towards herself would’ve sent her into a dark downward spiral, so she understood exactly how Denali felt.

“Maybe she’s right. Maybe I need-“

“No-“ Rosé started before being interrupted.

“I just need to-“

“No!” Rosé almost yelled, slamming on the brakes suddenly, the car lurching to a stop before she shoved it into park, turning to Denali, “she is not right. At all. You don’t need to change anything, do you understand?”

“But-“

“Darling,” Rosé said softly , eyes shining with unshed tears, “I’m proud of you for finishing everything, I know that’s been hard for you lately, so I’m proud of you. You are perfect inside and out, and you don’t need to hurt yourself because of what someone else thinks.”

Tears streaming down her cheeks, Denali nodded, pressing herself forward into Rosé’s arms as best they could with the center console between them.

••

Rosé laughed, biting Denali’s lower lip slightly, their bodies pressed together. “I knew you had a praise kink but fuck.”

Denali moaned as Rosé moved her hips just right, pressing into her. “Just-just say it again, please.”

They continued grinding onto one another, their bodies slipping and sliding against each others’. “I’m so proud of you,” Rosé moaned, “I’m so proud of you, so fucking proud of you for everything you do.”

“Mommy!” Denali squealed, stomach erupting with butterflies, “I’m close!”

“I’m so proud of you,” Rosé continued, “proud of you and proud to be with you, I love you, I love you, I love you!”

They came one after the other, names falling from kiss bitten lips like lost pearls.

“That was-“ Rosé breathed, once Denali collapsed into her and she collapsed onto the headboard, chests heaving.

“Yeah, fucking amazing.”

“I really am proud of you for everything, you know.”

Denali smiled softly, reaching over and lacing their fingers together. “I know, you tell me all the time. Now don’t say it again unless you’re ready for round 3.”

Rosé gasped, rolling over and crawling over Denali, bracketing her in with her arms. “Round 3?! You must be insatiable! It’s good I am too, so if that’s the case, yes, baby, mommy is very proud of you.”

#phone sex au #prompt request

[penguinhug]

5 questions and 15 mutuals

thanks @marley-manson for the tag!! this was a lot of fun

Were you named after anyone?

yeah, my mom lol it surely didn’t help my identity issues

When was the last time you cried?

i cry incredibly easy over movies so let me see the last ones i saw... yeah, i cried with brother bear

Do you have kids?

no and i’m not planning to, ever

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

sometimes, but i’m trying to tone it down. i feel like it normalizes being mean too much

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

their vibe??? idk

What’s your eye color?

brown

Scary movies or happy endings?

i’m not very into scary movies so i guess happy endings

Any special talents?

do i need to come up with smth weird like a kpop idol on a variety show? let’s see... i’ve never fallen asleep during a movie, tho it’s been pretty close, but still

Where were you born?

chilito

What are your hobbies?

playing piano, writing handwritten letters to friends, writing fanfiction, watching movies, reading, philosophy, cooking, listening to podcasts like there’s no tomorrow, hiking.

Have any pets?

my cat!!!! i love her!!!!

What sports do you play/have you played?

does hiking count?

i got into bouldering this year and i’m loving it, but i’m not really a sporty person so the reason i started was bc i wanted to meet new people. making friends as an adult is hard and blah blah but i genuinely love how welcoming the people that do rock climbling are and i’m having a lot of fun bc i’m a massive weak ass so i get disproportionately excited over any sign of improvement AHHA

How tall are you?  

180 cm, oops

Favorite subject in school?

spanish in the sense that i live in a spanish speaking country, so like english. except i didn’t like english (as in the second language class) in school

Dream job?

working in a small country school... so, my current job, which is extremely surreal

tagging: @ruyalarincadisi​ @correlation-not-causation @ranzal @visceralchivo @ihearasound @589ish

oKAY THAT’S ENOUGH FOR MY SOCIAL ANXIOUS ASS. i was tempted to leave this open, but i do want to leave my comfort zone and interact more in here :) anyway, feel free to ignore this

#tag game

[slu-tea-ftm]

not about kinks or stuff. don't answer if don't want to) bro, what was it like taking t or getting top surgery early? In my country we can only take hormones and get surgery at 18 years old. I spent my entire adolescence anxious for it. like. give me that testo, government.

I'm always happy to get asks, kinky or not!! This is gonna be long, so strap in lol

And I never mind talking about my journey, because I know it's not really the "norm," even in trans culture.

Honestly, it never really hit me exactly how early I was allowed to get hormones and surgery until a year or so ago when I was thinking back on it. It didn't feel early to me. It felt like everything was timed just right, but looking back, yeah, it was pretty early.

For a while, I just wanted the social change. Cut my hair, change my name, and change my clothes. Boom. Done. I was fine with that for a year or two (I was 11-12 when I came out). I actually cried when I got my hair cut, and my stylist was concerned that she'd upset me. Nope! I was just so happy that she cut my hair! She still cuts my hair to this day and says that I'm a completely different person (/pos).

But then I started feeling like it wasn't enough. I wanted to fit in more with The Guys (side note: I never really did, even after all the hormones and surgery bc these guys knew me since elementary and most were bigoted assholes). So we went to my doctor to try getting hormones. That took, I think, a year and a half or so? Still a pretty short time frame. At one point, I was wearing a binder and a back brace because I have scoliosis, R.I.P. my ability to b r e a t h e.

But we got it! And I was fine with that by itself, too! Until around my sophomore(?) year in high school. I always changed in the nurse's office because it was embarrassing changing with anyone else—boys or girls. So I brought up trying to get top surgery to my mom (shout out to her for being so supportive during my whole transition, gods I love my mom). By junior year, I got my tits yeeted, and I was changing with the boys in P.E. Other than locker rooms, P.E. was co-ed, so there was no "boys on this side, girls on that side" that I can remember.

Obviously, I never fit in with The Guys, and I didn't want to fit in with The Girls (even though many of my friends were girls). But I felt comfortable in my body, at least. It felt more like myself.

I don't regret any of it, even if it all did happen quite young. I got plenty of warnings from doctors and my therapists, and my mom and I had to jump through a ton of hoops to get where we did. I'm really grateful that I got everything when I did, because it probably saved me a lot of depression and anxiety I would've had now.

Even though I got approved for T "early," by medical and societal standards, I basically had to go through puberty twice lol. Because I had already gotten periods and experienced breast growth (not much, thankfully), acne, etc. And then I got testosterone and my voice was cracking a lot while it changed, my fat redistributed through my body, I think I gained more muscle?? hard to tell bc I was never really strong to begin with, my hairline receded quite a bit 🥲, and all those usual things associated with cis guy puberty....including being constantly horny. Gods, that was awful. Wet boxers every day, all the time, it was so awkward.

As for top surgery, that was the only part I was actually scared about. Not because I was anxious about regretting the surgery or the cost of it or anything like that. Just because I have trauma when it comes to people doing things to me while I'm unconscious (or so they thought). That was the only scary part. That, and the IV going in me bc I had this weird fear that if I moved my hand, then the needle would break out of my vein, into my body, and kill me or smth :)

Other than that, the surgery part was easy! Recovery took a while and sucked, especially the rules:

Don't lift more than (I think it was) 5 lbs

Don't raise your arms over your head

No showering for the next few days after surgery

Massage the skin once to twice a day (my hand hurt a lot after this part)

Don't pick at the scabs

I think that's all there was...

Now, I easily pass as a cis guy to most strangers. One of my favorite things to do is see how people react when they find out I'm trans lol. Because they never expect it! And then I show them a picture of me before transitioning, and they're like, "😲 That's you?!"

"Yep :)"

I know most people are afraid of being outed as trans, but for me I'm just like, "Look at how far I've come!!" It's not really a touchy subject for me. As long as someone is genuinely curious and not asking super invasive questions <3

#never ask an ADHD person an open-ended question #i'll go on forever lol #idk how to tell stories in a consistent way #ask anon #ask answered #ask

[radias-broken-brain]

Random cute thing he did:

When he was crying I kissed him 5 times, and later I told him I did it bc it's my ocd thing, 5 is my safe number so like when loki has to go to the vet I kiss him 5 times for luck and love. So later when I was anxious that I messed something up he kissed me 5 times 😭 I actually almost cried.

[winemom-culture]

My endocrinology appointment wasn’t good and I’m sad

My heart rate and blood pressure were both high. These things, weight loss, and my eye symptoms were the initial symptoms of my Grave’s back 2 years ago. So my doctor was like… I think you might be hyperthyroid again based on your heart.

But I don’t really know if my heart is a great metric. Bc like, my heart rate is always high. Especially at the doctor when I get anxious. I told her this, but in order to consider it not related to the thyroid she wants to see my bloodwork (expected) and a cardiologist work up. Which, that part feels a little excessive to me when I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong I just have a little bird heart. Arrhythmia runs very heavily on my dads side but it gives them problems with palpitations, I don’t really have those often, just like a fast baseline constantly. When I first got diagnosed with Grave’s my HR could’ve been 130-40 easy RESTING, so I sorta feel like 120 while anxious (what it was today) is relatively better? When I’m at home it definitely feels like normal until I exert. She’s like “You have to stay on beta blocker until you get your heart under 80 bpm” and I’m like lol. No offense but my heart is like never consistently under 80 even on the beta blockers 🥲 beta blockers became a big crutch to me last year and I feel like getting off them made me feel weird even though they are non-addictive I am semi-convinced that’s why I became so hyperfixated on my heart in my big anxiety spiral in 2021. I really don’t want back on them….

The thing I’m definitely NOT experiencing now is weight loss. I did the math and I’m like 80 pounds heavier then when I started going to her in 2020. And she has said that is from the thyroid medicine. Not that the medicine is bad, it’s doing it’s job of blocking thyroid hormone, but in turn that slows my metabolism a lot. I’ve tried to express my concerns about the constant weight gain, the fact that I feel like a ravenous monster, that I just can’t get a grip on it at multiple past appointments and I feel like she kinda brushes that off, always just “so anyways about that heart…..”

So now I get blood work next week for a moment of truth to see what the deal is. If I’m hyperthyroid I have to get back on my meds and probably consider surgery to take it out (that I don’t have time, money or a support system for- because my parents would be against this. That’s a whole other insane can of worms.) OR I am still in a balanced thyroid state but have to go figure out what’s wrong with my heart.

My health OCD is immediately revving up about being alone at my place, like “you don’t want to be alone all the time with high heart rate and blood pressure do you? What if you stroke out and die? Right there where you’re sitting?” Which is funny, ‘cause yesterday I didn’t know any better and was perfectly fine being alone, while presumably in the exact same boat healthwise. Ignorance was bliss

I’m feel like I’m gaining like 5 pounds every time I step on a scale and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, I literally have to get it figured out and under control this year. I’m totally just overwhelmed and don’t know how to start or how to truly stick to it. I cried my whole way home and I’m getting myself worked up again venting this out. Hope I can keep that pain fresh in my mind as motivation. Real meltdown hours. I don’t want all these problems at 26. It’s making me think about stuff down the road, what if I decide in 2 or 3 years I do want to have another kid after all? I genuinely don’t think as it is right now I would be medically advised to try. It only gets more high-risk as I get older. The thyroid and fertility/complications go hand in hand. It’s like, y’know, that’s awhile down the road there’s still time, but I’m 2 years out from initial diagnosis and as of right now I feel much more vaguely unhealthy in a general sense than I did then.

I just wish there were a more receptive endo around here but as far as I can tell from looking in the past, this office is really the best we got rn.

#long vent post

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

15 Questions

I was tagged by @rauko-is-a-free-elf​. Trying to get back to using Tumblr a bit more and I LOVE things like this, so thank you so much for tagging me!!!!

1. ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, but my name is SUPER common in the country where I was born. It’s like “Sarah Smith” (both first and last name); and it always makes me giggle when people say it's unique and exotic here in the US.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Happy tears of joy driving home last night because of some really good things happening recently.

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yup, one!

4. DO YOU USE SARCASM? It uses me.

5. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT SOMEONE? Their energy. Idk if that makes sense at all but people tend to give off a vibe for me no matter what they say or how they act. My gut sort of gives me the go-ahead for folks most of the time (or the opposite of that).

6. WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR? Blue

7. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings!!! I’m a pansy ab scary movies (though I will say I have recently begun to appreciate the way they tend to pull me out of a super anxious or really stressed out state by putting me in...a different super anxious and really stressed out state but ab people who aren’t me xD 

8. ANY SPECIAL TALENTS? “This is like that question in groups when people say "tell us something interesting about yourself" and suddenly I've never met me before.” @rauko-is-a-free-elf your answer made me laugh super hard bc my go-to ‘interesting fact’ is that I have a dent in my head which is the most not normal response to that type of question. Gonna use that as my talent.

I can also do the Russian cossack dance pretty damn well?

9. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Petersburg but it was Leningrad at the time.

10. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? Running, writing, reading, cooking, sometimes drawing badly w a pencil, live-tweeting my favorite shows, thinking about Dean Winchester. Are cons a hobby? If so, cons.

11. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? Two very old man dogs.

12. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? Gymnastics (terribly); tennis (more terribly); raquetball (most terribly). Is running* a sport?

*by running I mean going outside for a run and stopping every five minutes to take a picture of a bug or a bird or to rescue an earthworm trapped on the sidewalk

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'3"

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? English, hands down. I also oddly enjoyed Civics?

15. DREAM JOB? Acting or being a professional chef. Or just having unlimited funds so I could do whatever things I wanted to just for fun and help other people have better lives.

tagging w no pressure - @doctorprofessorsong @jewishdeanwinchester @emotionalsupportqueerbait @emzwolf 

#question games #mutuals love #tagged in

[ethan-anonn]

Hi welcome to things I notice about couples/ships of our group bc I love lists

Someone else can add things they notice about wenthan bc I think it’s obvious I notice everything about out relationship. NEXT

Mattdia:

- Matt always will let Lydia sit on his lap at parties or when he’s working because it not only calms her down but it calms him down as well

- Matt is always staring at her. Not in a creepy way but in a “you’re the only girl in the whole world that matters” way.

- Lydia wears Matt’s old guitar pick on a necklace almost every day.

- Matt’s passenger seat is always adjusted to how Lydia likes it and if anyone changes it, as soon as they get out of the car Matt adjusts it back.

- Matt only lets Lydia walk very close beside him or in-front of him so he can protect her if he has to.

- Lydia’s Lock Screen is a photo of Matt and Matt’s is a photo of him and Lydia from before their breakup and I’m pretty sure it’s been that even before they got back together. Could be wrong.

- A solid 94% of Matt’s instagram posts have Lydia in them.

- On Lydia’s wedding dress, the tag has “A Mattdia original” on it.

Chara:

- Chad sleeps closer to the window just in case anything happens so Tara is closer to the door out of their room and she can get out.

- Chad also has the same walking rules as Matt

- Tara traces Chads tattoos with her finger when they both get anxious

- they aren’t big on PDA but are very affectionate when there isn’t a big group of people

- “little darling” comes from an old western movie Chad saw one time.

- Tara has only recently started calling Chad “mi amor” and it makes Chad MELT

- I have caught Chad talking to Camellia about Tara more than once when Tara is sleeping.

- whenever we are attacked in a big group, instead of fighting whoever it is, Chads first instinct now is to grab Tara and run.

- Chad carries Tara’s extra inhaler and anxiety meds with him everywhere he goes

- Chads loved Tara a lot longer than y’all would think he did, TRUST.

Stephbrose: (I think that’s what we are calling them)

- Ambrose is only talkative around Steph

- Steph carries Ambrose’s allergy pen thing with them

- to calm Ambrose down in public Steph will have him do the 5 things you can see thing.

- Ambrose actually lowers their voices volume when he talks to Steph.

- they both have a Polaroid of the other in their phone case.

- Steph likes to get piggyback rides from Ambrose.

- when Ambrose saw Alysia for the first time he cried because she looked like Steph

- Steph loves when Ambrose tells stories.

Anika and Mindy: (do they have a ship name? Idk.)

- Mindy is the more physically affectionate one.

- Anika loves giving Mindy gifts.

- Mindy likes kissing Anika’s hand as if she were royalty.

- they are the most private about their relationship

- Anika always has one hand on Mindy no matter what

- They have weekly pottery painting dates!

- They have framed photos of their pets everywhere

Wes + Eeva:

- Wes gets so red when he talks to or about her

- Eevas love language is gift giving so she’s already given him so many gifts.

- When Wes saw Eeva at the friend dinner he couldn’t look away.

- Eeva is already bonding well with Tatum, it’s sweet.

- I think they are planning a song together, get excited ppl

- the whole friend group is rooting for them but they don’t know it (or do they)

- Wes just let’s Eeva talk, when she rambles he doesn’t care, he won’t stop her.

- Both big cat people.

#will add more later

[localplaguenurse]

Hello it's me again here to yell at you some more about gold as ginkgo because WHAT IS YOUR WRITING???? OMG I'm at ch23 already and so much has happened fcvhbjknklml amazing storytelling!!

Now this is gonna get a biiiit personal mayhaps sorry if that makes you uncomfy maybe?? But I just want to express how much I *adore* the way you portray the protag's anxiety and particularly the internal conflict of coming out of a toxic relationship.

this paragraph, this one in particular got me literally crying. I kid you not I started weeping and then went to talk to my besties because it's so real it hit me so hard. I'm sorry many people can relate of course but I in particular I'm just coming out (~5 months or so) of a 12+ year old toxic relationship and I've been struggling SO HARD, really so hard. And that made me feel validated, that made me feel like yes it's a thing it's normal. (I too had straight up panic attacks that left me with hands shaking and crying)

It looks eerily a lot like something I'd told my best friend weeks ago

anyway idk I just want to say your writing is amazing, the pacing, the characterization. I love that wifey doesn't just "get over" things or "get better" int he way it's usually portrayed, it's organic and slow and she falls back into negative thoughts and stutters and gets anxious but they ARE getting better in the little things, in the confidence, in the healing, in the feeling comfortable.

And it's not just that, the social anxiety, the nonbinary struggle, the feel that you're annoying others and have to be hyper independent never asking for help. I may not fully relate to all of them but you do make them important on the story and I feel like you portray them all so well.

And Gods, Morax/Zhongli is so nice lmao <3 need me a partner like that //hit that is SUPER self-indulgent love it. He's all kind and patient and loving and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;w; I love him your honor <3<3<3

Aaaaanyway loved their outing to the city, love Li Lei's character, loved wifey slowly growing out of their shell, love Morax fucking crashing injured in the middle of the night during a storm and Xiao and the panic and everything, the whole dealing with the Abbes CHILL MAN LITERALL CHILLS OMG. Love the golden smoke yes it is your signature ehe <3

(as a side note, I remember a lot of chapters ago this scene with Morax commenting about a storm incoming and then dissapearing and I was like.... is this some weird ass mandela effect or am I crazy bc I specifically remember this lore of dragons getting horny during the rain but NAAAHHH NO WAY the fic isn't going on that direction Crys pls chill your horny brain BUT THEN HAHAHAHA GUESS WHO WAS LOWKEY RIGHT??? I DID READ EYE OF THE STORM TOO TO BE FAIR. Also on the same line of my horny brain so sorry for this but wigey being so asdfcvhbnjmk about praise and compliment has me going PRAISE KINK PRAISE KINK MORAX PLS!!!!//HIT)

ok that's enough this got way too long I apologize I got emotional n cried again I LOVE YOUR FIC!!!!!

I am going to get emotional, I'm getting the like heavy feeling in my eyes of "oh tears! may be soon!"

I'm also gonna get a little personal because it also ties in with the fic and just, y'know, if we're sharing then I'm gonna share too.

I've said numerous times that wifey's experiences with anxiety stem from my own. I was also writing this fic during a few very difficult parts of my life so I really leaned HARD into those aspects of their character. Something I also mentioned a few times is that I used to write stuff on wattpad, I got burnt out, and then I didn't post fic for five years (which now that I think of it, technically not true because I did post some things on amino back in high school, but y'know). I never really stopped writing, though. Gave me room to experiment and because I'm A) a lifelong fan of the dark and macabre (even though I'm actually a bit of a chicken baby), and B) very depressed/anxious, naturally I leaned more into darker writing. I liked to make it a point of writing happy endings but I would put my charcters through the fucking wringer.

I was also a huge people pleaser in high school that didn't know how to make friends aside from the ones I already had. You can imagine how fucking devastated I was when one day, fuckin completely out of the blue, I was booted from my friend group. I only had like five friends and I kept two of them after that shit. One of those friends was a girl I had known since first grade. For the next two years right up until covid hit I was like "well fuck, Charlotte, guess you've only got two friends now. It's only a matter of time before they get sick of you too." It took me maybe a year for me to realize it wasn't my fault that the people I trusted turned out to be shitty, and it wasn't until like a year or two ago that I was able to actually open up and talk about that shit because I've been terrified to actually be vulnerable with people since then.

That's only like some of my damage, I've also got the eldest daughter and "ah fuck I think I'm undiagnosed neurodivergent" trauma. Two for one combo! Love it here!

So, yeah, I got pretty good at writing and specifically writing about people dealing with toxic relationships. Part of it is venting, part of it is wanting to raise awareness for these things, and part of it is just, idk, I like writing this stuff. I'll write whatever if it's interesting enough.

Anyways, thank you so much!!! There's more I could go on about but that's spoilers, so I just wanna say I'm really really happy you like what I've done! Put my heart and soul into this baby. Also yes this is horrifically self indulgent lmao, this fic was like entirely catered to me and my beta reader and apparently everyone else is into it.

I hope your day or night is well, whatever time it is where you are!

#ask #as gold as the ginkgo trees #crys!