#depression is still kicking me

[dumdeedums-blog]

I wrote today! It wasn’t a whole lot, but it is something and I’m proud!!

#writing #what is writing #writer’s block #depression is still kicking me #but still we love #creative writing #writing a book I am #writerblr

[just-somedude]

.

#hung out with one friend for the afternoon and now am about to hangout with another #turns out I do like going outside and socializing way more than I once thought #I've always known I'm a people person and enjoy being out in the world #but anxiety and depression kicked my happiness to the curb #now I'm happy and enjoying where I am and the people around me #anyways thats enough of the sappy shit go fuck yourself if you're still reading this I love you #also something something pussy something something breeding idk

[cashweasel]

Wip Wednesday!

Thank you for the tag @lilyoffandoms 💞💞💞

The only wip I have rn is this one of the besties so I share lol,, they’re wearing matching heart necklaces 😌😌

my toxic art trait is that I get so excited to color immediately after doing the faces and once I start that phase I don’t wanna go back and finish the rest of the body but I can’t color stick fingers so I leave it and that’s how I end up with so many wips DHDKSKKSDKJW

Tagging @faustsnemesis @night-triumphantt @sosolenoo @mydemonsdrivealimo @storyofmychoices @nerdferatum

#me tagging the same besties every time fjskskdjk #sorry but I need to see some art #every once in a while I remember that valen is taller than gideon and every time I remember how insufferable he is about it 😭💀💀 #he’s not even THAT much taller but still #like gideon is 6’4 valen is 6’7 but apparently 3 inches is all it takes for the height superiority complex to kick in #also idk if anyone could tell FRHSJAKSK but im clearly hyperfixating on these two sm #they cure my depression #and also cause it #wip wednesday #wip tag #my art #my ocs #valen x gideon

[thirteenemeraldcats]

I would to know more about the untitled-Jamie-blue-screen fic, if you wanted to share anything about it : )

Hello terrifyingly talented friend! I am happy to share!!

So this fic started rolling while I was writing 'i learned to walk while he was away', - that story explores some of the 'unseen' effects of Jamie's experiences, specifically what his relationship to expressions of violence (even when positively channelled) might be after growing up with an angry man. The 'untitled-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic (which is technically 'redacted-title-Jamie-blue-screen-day' fic, I'm a fairly changeable person and the title's redacted purely because it's still subject to possible [who knows, not me] change) is another exploration of some of the 'unseen' or more accurately 'undeveloped' parts of Jamie's psyche that canon skips over.

Specifically, the symptoms of depression he displays in 3x11 Mom City.

I'm a card carrying member of the 'Jamie has multiple missing diagnoses' bandwagon and know first hand what a horrifyingly tricky combo neurodivergence and clinical depression can be.

I use a lot of metaphors to describe/understand the complexities of mental health- when I was studying it, when I'm teaching it and yea when I'm thinking about my own brain :)

Most of the metaphors are computer based- product of the times I guess.

The untitled-title 'blue screen day' is how I unaffectionately refer to the days when that horrifyingly tricky combo decides to be extra horrifying and extra tricky and causes total system overload. The days when you forget how to be a person. That 'blue screen' blink feeling of not functioning, but then it's not momentary, it's not a blink, it doesn't go away. You're seeing with your eyes sure, but you're not really seeing and they don't really feel like your eyes. You exist in your body yes, but do you really exist? Is it actually your body?

(To use plain language; it's a brief and intense episode of severe burn-out, typically bought on by cognitive and/or sensory overload, but sometimes seemingly spontaneous [clinical!].)

So that's what I gave Jamie, a blue-screen-day (sorry buddy).

But I also gave him Roy! And a smoothie! He'll be okay.

(Essentially the story is the idea that sometimes things don't have solutions or answers or a quick and easy fix. Sometimes all you can do is be. Sometimes all you can do to help is be there.)

The fic really is gentle hours, I swear.

#THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!! #jamie lives in my brain #i loved him for yonks but after the boot room scene in 3x11 the guy has lived in my head #he sits sideways in a chair and kicks footballs at my amygdala while scream singing 'the chain' #i don't know what to do about that #other than fic i guess? #anyway if he's gonna live in my head i'm gonna poke him with a stick (depression [??]) and see what happens #OH HEY ALSO- I absolutely take (and crave) roses #I am dragon hoarding them because they make me feel happy to look at :) I WILL GET BETTER ABOUT ACTUALLY USING THEM WHOOPS #THANK YOU AGAIN FRIEND! #fic: untitled-jamie-blue-screen-day #ask box is always open #i still have no idea when this thing'll be done #it's nearly finished! #just needs a few more scenes then a couple edit swipes to make it more cohesive #readwing #jamiesfootball #ted lasso #jamie tartt #NEARLY FORGOT WARNINGS AGAIN YIKES #cw: depression #cw: mental health #writing tag

[averlym]

whshdfhfjf.,,,

#close up!! because i firstly Did Not render them with such insanity in order for tumblr's lack of general resolution to make it blur #look at all the lines!!! teehee i still really really like this style of digital painting it's super super fun to do!!! and also secondly #because i went back and added a tag ramble and as i seem to often be doing??? lately?? reached the 30 tag limit and went 'hm ok how else..' #anyway the tag essay on that one is now up and talks about the artwork generally and miscellaneous thoughts!! that said. i need a space to #ramble about beatrix at Length because look you don't draw and paint etc a character for like ten hours without having a lot of thoughts #anyways ! i digress terrifically. tag rambles are more like trains of thoughts masquerading as subways and you get on and it's unfortunately #a rollercoaster track. but this is My Blog and i can do Whatever I Want as long as i don't hurt anyone <- affirmations!! also Harm Principle #lately it's been like *kicks up feet* *opens tumblr tags* *treats it as own personal journal* and tbh Good for me!! anyways back to beatrix #fun fact ! the thing that pushed me over the edge to go watch the musical after looking through the tumblr tag was a very specific poll. #and the fact that the winning option was blue hair and pronouns made me double over laughing so hard i had to go see the source material #mm i feel like lately the academic Context has been tossing me essentially into a blender HAHA ;-; so everyone in adamandi is to some extent #a Mood. but bea-specific (haha be specific)(sorry!)(wow this is the same reaction mechanism of my friend who points out innuendos)(...) #i think it's the wanting to prove herself. like from the whole abuela etc thing there's proof here she's got a Stable Support System of sort #and instead what beatrix continues to do is push themselves. 'i guess u could say i'm married to my work? god that's depressing' // no one #here to enforce that // abuela tells me to rest says i'm constantly stressed and i'll just get depressed like before but i still have to try #like. that shred of desperation that pushes you to the brink to neglect yourself (well i guess physically but also your morals..) and like!! #the whole 'lose half your soul thing' proves she's self aware!! like they know what they're doing is super dubious yknow! but they're still #they're still doing it even if it goes into conflict with their morality system in a way and then they justify it to themselves (see pt 1 #of ghostwriter) and the whole wanting to achieve at all costs Despite the self awareness. (i think? this aspect also applied to quincy. but #thoughts on him will come later). more beatrix specific also is the fact that they genuinely adore their work.. 'i just love it here where #you know they'll be printing forever and you are just part of it' because that does kind of resonate with me. also the being behind in the #competition is real!!! i'm maybe talking about Art as a subject because that same drive for it exists on my good days i think. even #even when nothing seems to be going right and you've ended up at the back the intent passion inherent in what you do is still there!!! #the genuine. care she has for reporting. is so !!!!! to me... other beatrix thoughts include 'why reveal yourself at the end' aka vincent's #'u should have stayed silent u had a smart plan' like rip to them but i would not // it feels with bea's complex character i can't imagine h #her Not doing that. like the guilt is real i guess. and i am running out of tags but! smth also about her fervent hope or smth that she'll #eventually get to where she wants. and the resilient determination.. 'i won't let their deaths be pointless there's more good i'm gonna do' #they're so so real for that. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing; seeing myself reflected in aspects of characters like this.. but it's #it's there regardless. smth smth just make your peace with the person you are ig!! tldr beatrix campbell my beloved. hehe #adamandi

[quiet-nocturne]

wip wednesday! I have 2 snippets for ya'll because I forgot to post last week again. 💀 I don't even know what day of the week it is half the time, I swear. 🥲

So this is another snippet from my royai big bang fic, from chapter 2, in which Roy is dumb and Riza tells him off (can't reveal too much, because it'll spoil you, but yeah).

Second snippet is below the cut because it's a little spicy. 🔥

Again, this is from my untitled cause I'm lovesick sequel in roy's pov, which I recently picked up again:

#i'm not dead i swear #i'm still here shipping royai #but i was burnt out from february #and march has been depressing me #and work and a cold has been kicking my butt #so i took a little break for a bit #wip wednesday #fic wip #my wips #my stuff #royal #royai fanfiction #royai big bang #quiet-nocturne #quiet_nocturne #we can thank the unmedicated adhd for me never knowing what day of the week it is

[insoukokuhell-434]

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING AGAIN

#bsd chuuya #bsd season 4 trailer #bsd season 4 #Chuuya memes #bsd memes #this isn’t a joke #depression is kicking my ass #but this legit reminded me I can still feel EUPHORIC about shit aszjsjzj 😭😭 #ITS HIS WORLD AND WE’RE LIVING IN IT #Sierra’s posts 🌸

[catcactusoww]

today's studies! 2 from classes and 2 x 15 min warmups. (I couldn't get rid of the weird bubble on the portrait studies no matter what glaze settings I used. :/ if anyone has any tips pls let me know)

I haven't posted much in a long time because I was ashamed of having the ups and downs in quality from a lack of art education and experience, but there's nothing wrong with needing work on my fundamentals. I want to be more consistent about posting studies AND finished work. it's hard to work through in my head and heart, but it's ok to not be perfect. I am trying to work through that mindset rather than stagnate indefinitely. looking forward to having fun and having some learning experiences.

#I am in study mode #work is kicking my ass but it's good to learn and fail #hopefully I can post some original work soon #I have requests in a list #I will work through them #even though they are just requests I am so scared people will hate them that it was hard to work at all #I spent a lot of time crying while i worked and fell into a deep depression as I recognized my weaknesses #and how ai could very easily surpass me in terms of consistency and quality #but that's not a reason to quit and I am going to work through this #it scares me and i still cry and feel deeply depressed #but it's going to be ok #i have some original work wips that i want to show that really show off how much i have learned #but i am so afraid of ai that i will not share them until they are finished and glazed #i am not terribly happy with glaze as it still kind of messes up my pictures but it is worth it to do i thin #*think #i forgot to nightshade these but alas #my art

[irl]

yea

#txt #i gotta bitch rq cos im pissed sorry guys #i hate tht u dont remember none of the shit u did. i hate tht u make jokes about it even. i hate tht it feels like im always the one #to wear the burden of iron wrought weights so tht u can learn how to mellow out and not do the same to my sister #‘you opened up a lot of doors for your sister’ #yea cool im glad u chilled out and didnt also kick my sister out of the house while she was 1200 miles away with nothing but the clothes on #her back. yea cool im glad u didnt threaten disowning when she got a piercing. yea im glad she didnt have to sit thru the ordeal of u when #i first came out to u. im glad she didnt have to have our dead dad used as a damn weapon against her when she told you shes a lesbian #im glad you never sat her down and berated her for being queer for three hours and then sent her to her hole only to send her a long winded #email about how awful she is to you for being queer and how no one will be able to recognize or love her #i still have that email btw #im glad you came to me to ask for help when she was suicidal depressive instead of blaming her and insulting her and making awful #assumptions and insinuations about her #im glad you asked for help for her #but why couldnt you have been a mom to me too #why did i have to teach you all the wrong ways to handle situations so that you could handle them rigjt with her #why did i have to be the one to lockpick all of the doors in order to open them for her #whyd you have to put the locks on there in the first place #why werent you ever a mom to me #why wasnt i allowed to have parents growing up #whyd you have to hurt me since the time before i could make cohesive thought #why werent you a mom for either of us until you realized how heavily you screwed up with me #why did it take you losing me completely for you to start being a mom to my sister? #why did it take you losing me completely for you to finally listen to me instead of talk about why im wrong #im glad to have a mom now #but i couldve used a mom when i was a kid #why do you have to turn it into jokes #and why am i not allowed to be upset

[candyheartedchy]

“Chy Baby”

#sorry but I’m gonna get emotional rn #so every once in awhile I watch the cameo from Dana and i gets so overcome with joy y’all have no idea #and whenever my anxiety gets bad or my depression starts to kick in watching it is such a mood booster and helps calms me down #like right at the beginning where he starts doing a little song at the beginning I just immediately start smiling #and I still can’t get over how sweet and sincere Dana was #like there’s been so many times im out doing something and get nervous until I replay the pep talk in my head as a reminder #his voice is just a huge comfort for me #and the fact that there’s folks who remembers and still call me ‘chy baby’ is so nice 🥺 #like it may be silly but the cameo is my most treasured thing #it just means so much to me #so yeah I’m just a little emotional rn and had to gush a little #and if you got this far reading this I just want to say I hope you have a lovely day 💕 and thank you for reading my silly emotional post #💬 chy chatter 💬

[gideonisms]

Oh temperatures under 100 degrees how I miss you ...

#it is 102 for the next 10 days according to google weather #one of those days it's supposed to reach 104....why me #every july i'm like why is the depression kicking my ass so hard #it's because i'm not outside as much for obvious reasons #don't get me wrong i still go walking most days but i wait until 8:30 pm #i need the sun so bad but she wants to fucking kill me love story of the ages #the other night i was like i need more cardio that must be why i'm so tired #and jogged for a bit and came back nauseous. FINE it is just too hot. i accept it. fine.

[blasphemyisjustforyou]

God I hate it here.

#I cant afford my car payment and I've got today and tomorrow to come up with the money #it's $200 in 2 days and the place I was doing work for hasn't paid me anything #not that it really matters since they're only gonna pay me like $30 for the work I've done. #Even if I get that money Ill still need to come up with $170 in less than 2 days #the place I applied at won't call me back #and the other place I applied at I've called like 3 times and they keep blowing me off #I'm running out of options and the depression is kicking in #this fucking sucks.

[hesitantpixels]

this sounds so silly but my boyfriend made his keyboard light up with my name like the keys flash my name now and then and i’m all 🥹🥹🥹

#txt #dl #he’s the sweetest and i love him so much #he was like look at what it does and he’s my name and he’s so stupid and cute #this makes me miss him more even though i see him this week #idk where else to share this so oops lol #i’ve been on an animal crossing kick and a depressive time but this made me feel special and yeah #i’m still here lol kinda sorta lol

[ayyponine]

art update fr march... our first dip into portraits and i was indeed raring to mf go

#my art #unfortunately i didnt go this week bc depression was kicking my absolute ass in every way possible #aka in the life stresses me out. i feel exhausted. i suck at art as well as the no one would notice or care if i showed up sense so ah well #still dont feel great abt these but since ive beeen doing these montly updates to keep progress. just fucking take them

[toytulini]

thinking about that post about keeping a house clean organized w adhd with like dump zones and shit and i need to. do stuff to my room. hh

#toy txt post #they should invent a way to put away laundry that doesnt feel actively hostile and sisyphean #oh i put it in the closet and its so nice and out of the wa-oh i wore it once time to go into the dirty clothes and #get washed and end up in The Laundry Pile where ill wear it like 3 more times and repeat this cycle until i get the power to put away #laundry again ! and its back in the pile #i gave up folding my clothes out of the dryer save for the like printed button up shirts bc half the time they sit in the fucking pile #getting rifled through so long that it feels pointless and the extra step of folding them out of the dryer had me liable to leave my shit #in the dryer for a week if no one forces me to take it out :/ #i was interested in sort of an open concept dresser while i was looking for a dresser and ended up not getting that but like! come on #ig incorporating like multiple hampers or smth would be useful but i have nowhere to put fucking anything #ugggggh #and i still need to put the shelf back up and a new shelf and lamps i bought and replace the shelfs i bought for the tank stand plant #stands with something more waterproof and leas ugly (thinking tile could be fun?) #so much to do all the time and im not doing it im just having ideas and rotting and i need a job but the depression is kicking my ass #wahhhhh #okay. okay. im putting down the phone #no longer will the caffeine compel me into Posting

[todayisafridaynight]

if theres one thing that differentiates mine and sawashiro its that sawashiro is JUST a LITTLE silly. on a microscopic level he is SUPER MINUTELY goofy

#snap chats #LET ME EXPLAIN PUT THE TOMATO DOWN #Evidently rggjo is Blatantly more silly so to speak. from a comparative standpoint #but y7jo has a modicum of that i prommy #like mine just aint silly like that... he's very serious about everything its hard for me to think of him being a goof #the closest he was to being goofy was before slappin haruka with that grin ☠️ #i would never forget his story time with daigo in rggo dont you ever accuse me of that again im just saying ITSA RARE OCCURRENCE #it's hard to imagine sawashiro being a goof too but there's like. VERY rare scenarios where it is possible if we try hard enough #case in point. bullying ichi BYE-- #ACCIDENTALLY PROVING MY POINT WITH THAT TATTOO COMIC I DID damn maybe i do know what im talking about sometimes #like 3/4 times jo smiles it's with ichi. a wholesome sentiment if not for the context of each time LMAO #he gets his kicks from bullying ichi and thats horrible but hilarious at the same time #first time its before he slugs him and mitsu for the money then theres their lil reunion in chap 2 #and a PERSONAL favorite of mine his lil smirk he does before he grabs the sword off the wall. like hes a lil goofy i sense it #that smirk still makes me laugh like bro shut up LMAO hes about to beat my ass and im gonna be mad about it #like things mine does are surely silly and goofy dont get me wrong. his comedys unintentional sawashiro's trying JUST a lil me thinks #a classic maneuver from a depressed mfer this shouldnt be surprising in retrospect #i say that as if mine dont got issues....... lol... #ok im done rambling where the fuck am i gon with this post. bye