#doing anything seems too much work and I dont want to do it

[notapersob]

@mcythorrorgiftexchange

@turtlecase

Grian watcher god fae reference? Mayhaps?

I hope this is horror-y enough? Sorry I really struggled. Turns out this event collided with the last 3 weeks of college and I got super busy and struggled to come up with ideas. Thus drawing does have a short writing thing attached to it (under the cut) but I wrote it a year ago so I didn't wsnt to submit it for this event all by itself.

The writing thingy --->

Its neck snapped and cracked, contorting itself. The thing swiveled it's head around to stare at Scar. Six black wings tore out of its skin. They were covered in eyes. They all stared at him, glowing a dim violet.

"What a peculiar little thing you are" a voice echoed. It sent chills down his spine. He had never felt so small.

Scar could make out what resembled a human face but it looked wrong. It cracked when the thing moved, stitching itself back together. Scar wondered what was under the mask. He couldn't seem to look away, he wanted to know. Like a moth to a flame. Not realizing the danger till it was too late.

"What are you?" Scar tried to back away.

The creature trilled, it laughed at Scars ignorance. "That is of no importance to you,"

"But-"

"Hushhh, you've ran yourself into something you do not understand. What is your name?"

He wasn't sure how he should answer. "You may call me Scar"

"You're funny," it smiled. A talloned hand reached out. It's whole hand was covered in what looked to be a sort of mold. It was black like the sky. Where it warped a deep purple grew in place. The fingertips were sharp. They gently traced the scar across his lip, then moving to his hair. It was curious. Well, so was he.

"What can i call you?" Scar tread carefully. He may be curious but he would like to stay alive. Though, he heard stories where unfortunate humans became eternal servants to the fae they angered. But that's not the worst they can do. Maybe death would be a gift.

The hand left his hair, leaving it a mess. He pushed it out of his face. "Hmm, I dont know, why don't you choose"

"Oh" Scar was surprised. "Uhmm."

"Is something wrong" it's head tilted, or twisted. It was a little unnerving.

"Well, to be honest I wasn't expecting to still be alive, let alone have enough time to think of a good name to call you."

"I could change that" it smiled deviously, the glow of its many eyes flashing bright purple and dimming just as fast as they appeared.

"As much as I appreciate the offer, It would be preferable to avoid death for the time being." Scar laughed nervously. He racked his brain for a good name for his new... friend? He tapped his fingers nercoulsy together trying to think of anything… bread.. Butter.. Wheat.. Grain. Graaiin.. Grian. Grian? For the life of him he cant understand why bread was on his mind. He thought of food when he was nervous and right now a nice good loaf of bread might just make him forget he’s face to face with some sort of eldrige god or something. "Hmmm, does... Grian work?" Scar offered.

"Yes, I think that'll do" it said excitedly. "Gri-an.. gria-nnn, grian" it tested the sound of the name.

Scar laughed. "So are you a girl, a boy? Neither?"

"None, all. It changes, does that even matter? I am a being beyond your mortal rules."

"Cool ok" Scar whispered, wiping his hands on his dirt covered jeans.

The wind picked up. The purple leaves spun up in the air. Grian slowly lowered himself from where he was hovering. His wings folded inward. Scar thought he could hear bones snapping. Grian landed on the ground. They looked a lot smaller then they had before.

He now only had one set of wings with significantly fewer eyes. Scar looked at Grian's face. Where the white of the eyes should be, they were black. He had short golden brown hair, the longest unkempt strands reaching his shoulders. He was a whole head shorter than Scar. He used to stand at least seven feet tall. He was beautiful. His pointed ears were decorated with silvers and golds.

"I owe you now." Grian grabbed hold of Scars hand, all too eagerly. His grip stung, the humanoid bird not quite understanding what a normal amount of strength is. A bright ring of light surrounded the point where their hands joined. The white swirls landed on their arms creating a beautiful pattern. The light disappeared into his skin. He blinked his eyes, getting used to the dark again. The swirls left white marks on his arm, it looked like some sort of abstract tattoo.

"Whoa". He knew he should probably be concerned by what just happened but this was the most spectacular thing to ever happen to him.

#grian hermitcraft #grian watcher #grian #hermitcraft #scarian #grian fanart #mcythorrorgiftexchange

[phantom-does-a-thing]

how is a man expected to live in these conditions (does not elaborate)

#my brain refuses to elaborate #but I cannot live in these conditions (does not know what anything is referring to) #I m jsut so ough #my chest feels tight and nothing is like #I dont want to DO anything #doing anything seems too much work and I dont want to do it #rambling #phever dreams with phantom #im trying to listen to riptide bc I was painting earlier but nnow that im done painting #I just ough #I cannot focus on this #and I was gonna play video games so I could continue listining #but that feels bad too #idk man everyhing is just wrong

[quietwingsinthesky]

youtube stop recommending me that five hour long “fall of doctor who” video challenge. there is not a video i could be less interested in watching.

#the youtube clickbait hyperbole is not doing it any favors. im sure there’s nuance in the video. maybe. #god there must be its five hours long. #but i do not think i am interested in a video that wants to be about ‘the fall’ of doctor who when. far as i can tell. seems more like #occasionally it stumbles. and that’s about it. #AND thirteen being the doctor that’s on the thumbnail is also not helping. im sure im making assumptions there too and its just that she was #the current doctor at the time but. this is youtube. you have a negative video. and you put a woman on there. i am primed to believe you are #about to say something insanely sexist lmao. #anyway. whatever. #its a me thing. i dont like watching negative epic teardowns™️ of stuff im not finished with myself. and doubly so when im unfamiliar with #the creator and don’t know if they’ll just be stomping and yelling at something for hours with no purpose or if they’ve got. anything #to actually offer. idk. it’s the shovelware lover in me i think. im not interested in someone’s negative opinion about a thing unless i know #they’re the kind of person who can respect that people still had to put months or years of work into it. maybe that work did not have a #good outcome but someone had to do it. the effort is worth being documented and looked at and not. i don’t know. yelled at like you’re the #nostalgia critic you know? im rambling on to much here #this is why the only good youtube video is folding idea’s video on the american tail video game. he gets it. its about how bad art is still #worth existing and being examined. and doctor who is far from being bad. so. #………..where was i going with this. its 4 am.

[bluinary]

With no hate to that previous post I just reblogged bc its valid in and of itself:

I get what they're saying, but it's actually *not* like Rick Riordan broke into your house and moved all of your furniture.

It's more like you *bought* furniture and installment services from Uncle Rick's Home Goods in 2008, a lovely niche shop focused on serving our underserved community of neurodivergents. And then, despite your furniture from that time still being exactly as it was when you bought it and billions of exact copies being for sale, when Uncle Rick said, "Hey guys, I'm going to make this same line of furniture out of completely different material, and Im adopting a new installation tactic, but it's going to stick to its general function and purpose," you giddily clapped your hands and said, "I can't wait to see the exact same thing made out of entirely different materials!" Forgetting, of course, that that is literally impossible.

And **then** you came home and found that Rick (whom you left the door open for!) moved all of your furniture slightly to the left. Also he replaced every item with near-identical copies.

"I liked it the way it was very much, thank you!" Then don't get the update, idiot. It is so optional to watch this show. You had to wait a week between every episode. You had to torrent every 40 minute video on a weekly basis, or drive to visit your one family member who won't give up Disney+ anyway. And when things started proving to be different, *you* made the conscious choice to see where things were going. Now you're mad and miffed that it wasn't as faithful an adaptation as The Lion King 2019 was to the original 💀. Coming from an AuDHDer, please understand that your neurodivergent rigidity can only be accommodated so much, my friend. Real people worked hard to make this. Different people from the book's production. *More* people than the book's production. And you know what's crazy is that, despite all of this, some of the tone of minor scenes may have changed, but nothing major truly did. We did it-- we got a faithful adaptation!! If it's not your cup of tea, if your mind's eye just cannot be topped, it's all good. Just say, "this seemed cooler in my head." But oh my god, I'm tired of the Rick slander. The overall crew slander. As if people didn't work their asses off to make this show happen at all. "Rick Riordan broke into my home--" you let him in. *You* watched the show; you let him in and consented to whatever the fuck he was going to do (which...wasn't even much).

If you are scared of coming home and finding your special interest moved slightly to the left, stop letting the author back in through your front door.

#pjo tv show #vent #i didnt want to reply to OP bc i dont know them and their post just seemed like a vent too. #this is in response to many many others ive seen blaming rick for their viewing experience #i dont know rick either. but tbh his work speaks for itself. #and if we want more of it we need to not do The Twitter Thing of smashing and trashing anything remotely made for us #just bc its not perfect. or in this case because its slightly to the left of the original source 🙄 #its in response to the people who are like....being hostile about it. #im really fucking disappointed in this fanbase. i used to think we were a far more positive place. #but genuinely trying to be on here and look at fun posts about pjo between eps has lead to much of the fun being squashed #because ***everyone is complaining****. #yall are insufferable. go join the illiteracy club on tiktok and watch the latest marvel movie or something. #the positive posts are becoming so few that Tumblr has shown me the same posts over 5 times each. #You Are A Tar Pit ❤️ #not op of the last post btw. again they seemed nice. their analogy was just....it accidentally summed up the problem perfectly.

[ajarofpickledtears]

it's so difficult to get stuff done when i still am daily having to actively resist the urge to sleep all day

#cylas vents #like how am i supposed to get up and go to anywhere regularly if most of the time i dont even want to be awake lmao #maybe i am just not trying hard enough. maybe i am lazy and using depression as an excuse. #even my psychiatrist said that at this point since none of the meds really worked and therapy didnt change much and if i dont want to #day-care hospital / outpatient clinic he doesn't know what else to do either #but in any type of clinic situation i wouldnt be earning money #and outpatient i worry that if i have an one hour journey and possibly get up at 6 or 7 am i just won't do it lol #plus even a friend said that as soon as ot was over she kinda fell back into old habits #but cant do anything drastic either bc too many ppl care about me :)) #especially ones with mental illnesses who could be negatively affectrd #but i am so tired and everything seems hopeless

[lecliss]

Oh wow I had no idea the website I'm using actually color codes which episodes are filler or not. Looks like I don't need to find that article then.

#all filler binge watch here i come 👀👀👀 #i did kinda get the urge to start watching the bort dub tho. but i still need to watch road to sakura and then The Last first #anyway RtN was awesome and i love iruka THATS NART'S DAD 2!!!! but i kinda dont have anything else to say about it after the end lmao #i guess if anything i just wish sasori had a line or two. i really wanted to hear jyb's sasori voice again 🥺 #very funny that hidan had like. one scream laugh and that was it. of course thats all the dialogue he would get lmao #im assuming the LT akatsuki are kinda morally gray in terms of the mercenary work they do instead of just outright villains #considering kakuzu and hidan AND SASORI???? were still among them #i doubt sasori's personality changed much and clearly neither did hidan or kakuzu's. but being the LT at all means they must have #i mean. deidara was very fine with the work he was doing to help and tbh seemed more work oriented too #but maybe thats what happens when hes not bickering and arguing and hating uchihas so mucj #cuz he was fine working with. and i assume taking orders from itachi??? #so i guess they do have differences that keep them in a smiliar line of work while remaining the same person at their core #but not like. AS fucked up???? #very interesting to think about who they are in the LT. ALSO IM NOT OVER WHAT CHARASUKE MIGHT THINK OF MERCENARY ITACHI!!! #like. is he secretly worried about itachi's line of work???? did itachi have a falling out wit #*with their parents and left home to eventually become a mercenary??? is charasuke mad at him??? #IS THE FUCKBOY PERSONALITY A COVER UP FOR HIS PROBLEMS WITH HIS POTENTIALLY STRESSFUL HOME LIFE DUE TO ITACHI'S LIFE???? #I HAVE NEVER CARED ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP MORE THAN I POSSIBKY COULD IN THIS MOMENT RIGHY NOE #FINALLY A VERSION OF THEM I CAN GIVE A SHIT ABIUT AND NOT JUST RELENTLESSLY HATE ITACHI FOR!!!!! #AND WE GOT FUCKING NOTHING FOR IT!!!!!!! FUCK #personal

[wriochilde]

wow . um

#i couldnt sleep until 5 am last night ? i wasnt even using my phone or anything i just . #ifelt terrible and like. whats the word #tgis overwhelming sense of longing #9 months seems too long .and i have things i want to do but i miss them so much i cant wait 9 months #i want to start working out but how can i? i barely have time to do anything else #i miss wearing my shitty graphic tees and cargos everywhere i went and i miss my terrible school #i cant go suit shopping. i should probably do it before may but i dont know if i can #i think i have to save up money? my parents prbably wont help me considering its a suit #idk its pretty typical and its not like im outing myself? but i cant ask #i have this terrible fear of going to my father for literally anything ? like he wont .do anything but i hate his guts #i dont have a winter break so i cant open commisions . ill figure something out later its not urgent whatsoever #tgis is such a random rant i just need to write my thoughts somewhere #finn.txt

[l-cereta]

in a bad mood for multiple unrelated reasons :thumbsup:

#dooooooo i vent in the tags #yk what why shouldnt i #ok so. for one my executives have been dysfunctioning since monday and i think rn is the event horizon of 'oh my god if u dont work now' #and you know what ive been doing instead of working? watching a 24hr stream of armored core 6 #so thats like. whatever #its the whole too depressed to do anything so you kinda vegetate which lowers ur energy even further and worsens your mood #but then a friend wanted to get my advice on like. relationship troubles hes having #and i just . was not able to connect at all. and it's like man sometimes im not even sure if i have emotions lmao #like i pride myself on Being In A Better Place Than I Was In Highschool #(like. im not considering jumping out the window every other morning) #but like. sometimes it feels like i just dont like #like other people have these rich experiences and deep loves and all this stuff and im never gonna get it #it'd be nice to be loved or be in a relationship but really like #my biggest fear is just. im in a relationship and something bad happens to my partner #and i realize i dont care #idk theres like a lot swirling in my brain #i just want to be like... #i think writing this out has actually made it worse lmao #god forbid if someones reading this please dont reach out to me abt it i do not want to talk abt it #no matter how much other people say they care abt me it never seems real anyways so like cool #god i was doing so well before going back to college and im stupid enough to actually fucking like school #i just like. #whatever #like being alive really hurts right now #i cant really put a bow on that

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sometimes u just gotta have a cringe fail weekend. is what i tell myself bc i let the fact that i forgot to check my new #email completely obliterate me. also i haven't been sleeping enough. also just the normal thoughts in my head #by which i mean the part of my brain that demands consequences for inattention by means of suffering. devine punishment. #which is irrational and annoying but knowing that doesnt seem to help. so ive just been laying here in the hopes i come unspooled and start #to disintegrate. which is annoying bc ive got stuff to do #specifically bc i am supposed to b a TA this semester. which is what i figured but also feared #so. thats gonna b a lot. tho not as much as my old school bc they dont make TAs do literally everything here apparently #but. itll b a lot. and also i have to finish signing up for classes. bc i didnt do that back in April by my brain was melting. also i have #to keep doing my job and dealing with my data. ugh. well. being a TA isnt so bad. i do like to help ppl learn even if im not very good at it #like. i struggle with thr talking to ppl part. like the transition of ny thoughts to something thst makes sense #oh well. hope i end up teaching something im not too unqualified for. i could do soils. Ecology. uhhh. maybe intro bio but i never even took #university level biology. i just skipped upper level courses. that's probably it. anything else would b a lotta faking it #ugh. im tired. i should go to sleep at 9pm. thr sun hasbt even set and i should sleep #tomorrow i have to get my shit together. but also i wanna email my new professor like hey bro like what do u want me to do??? #like how do i start in this lab? when do we start talking. like just not to b pushy but whats thr procedure? #i like Structure but also its like weeks until the semester starts so we got time. im just a lil nuts #jesus. its gonna b an interesting semester. hopefully fun but uh it is sorta like taking a boat out when u can see big ominous clouds #like im sure ill b fine but also i might get dumped over into a watery grave. i just. i have a lot of papers to write #and its gonna b hard to b a student on top of that. partly bc what im gonna b doing now is almost completely unrelated #which is probably y ppl stick to the same track they stsrt on. that awkward moment when ppl ask u if ur gonna keep working with bi0crust #and ur like uhhhh no fuck that actually the work ive done in the past 4 years makes me hate myself✌️ #so we r back at square 1. well not 1 bc its sorta related but its a pretty big reset #itll b fine once things start. its just thr anticipation that kills me #unrelated

[pommancy]

Something about the way ppl think AI will kill the 2d industry and discourage young artist from creating just sounds so disrespectful to me

#also like u rlly cant do much with a jpg someone still need to edit that into a png or do a turnaround of whatever prop design #u want to put into a game animation movie whatever #like ull need like 3 different AI to do that with 3 different prompt and fidling at each stage #codes are dumb as hell too have u ever programmed smth to fall down the screen u need to specify everything like the wind distortion the #the velocity the wobble the amount of settle it needs the weight of the object the shadow index the shadow tint color the like an ai need #all of that to do it perfectly and even one missed parameter can easily seem synthetic to the human eye like theres a reason ppl cant make #a synthetuc eyeball cause its programmed to detect anything unnatural and alert our brain and so we will always like and imitate what seems #natural to us like aughhhhh #i had to help my prof research ai algorithm in art creation for fkin EA like i can not stressed how many programmers they need to possibly #imitate the work of 1 artist in a specific style and the 1 artist can easily learn and replicate so many styles #and also the most important thing is AI dont have creative RIGHTS AUGHHHHHHHHH it is legally free for all anything an AI made #obviously ai using 2d artist stuff without reference is another hideous issue but business and work wise ai art should fear ME!!!!!!!!!! #(me pointing at you) YOU ARE MADE DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fabulouslygaybean]

i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.

#i wanna be able to do things #but my sister is too picky and my mom is too tired and my friend needs to be involved in everything we do so we just. never do anything. #i do so much stuff alone because nobody wants to go or i dont trust anyone to actually follow through #my bike is out of order though and my mom seems to hate the idea of me using the bus system that i literally get to use for free #now. why can't i just do things inside my own home? it doesn't fuckin work out #the only place im really welcome in my own home is my bedroom. the bottom floor is for my friend and the rest of the family. #i dont have space to do much art up here and there isn't enough space for my other hobbies and i can't make too much noise because it'll - #- bother everyone and i cant call friends because everyone will listen in on my conversations and i don't have enough space to bring my - #- laptop and all its additions up to my desk #i have friends but i feel so isolated from them all. i feel like im going to completely fuck things up by trying to talk to any of them. #i always feel better when i can get out and do stuff but im rarely able to get out and do stuff and even then i feel bad once the stuff ends #so im trapped i guess. its a cycle that will never end. ill do something i love to cheer myself up only to feel even worse afterwards than - #- i did before.

[pizzapizzadickz]

Tired, in pain, can't sleep at all. This sucks.

#oh eggs are simple! #diary #personal #disordered eating #so like. i want to eat better. but. the amount of work i need to achieve that seems impossible #like. i need things to be easy and fesible for me to do. #buuuuut i have all these hidden limitations like. i just hate touching/dealing with raw meat or eggs or anything #its bc my moms germophobia transfered to me 💀 #and like. i wont use x machine bc 1. im scared of where its placed it might have splatter from *something* #and 2. its loud and 3. its complex to use/clean (its a blender) #and all pans are just hard to predict when theyll be clean and it bothers me so i dont try to cook much lately #bc i can never plan when ill have energy #and theres too many meals in a day!!! and i refuse to do anything without hyper research!!!!! #LIKE I MAKE THINGS SO DIFFICULT FOR MYSELF THAT IT STRESSES ME OUT A TON AND IM TIRED. really tired #and looking at quick recipes are all like no they arent!!!! its stressful!!!! #whats super annoying is i make more complex things regularly bc theyre just something simple to me. #...tho not necessarily. just. ugh. its annoying and contradictory #idk how to eat well and keep myself alive #i like trying new things but i also eat very VERY selectively #why cant i just have a pill or something and never eat unless i wanna #its infuriating and stressful and idk what to do about it. #rules rules rules rules rules rules rules. so many arbitrary horrible hard to understand rules. #pls give me suggestions if u want. just fyi im also super picky with fruits n veggies... honestly how am i still alive???? #probably bc i live with my parents haha... ha. #i think id be on disability or homeless otherwise. #or something idk. im a mess. send help pls.

[mrfoox]

Talking with Fabian and whooooooooo boy that was an conversation and a half...

#miranda talking shit #Uuuh i was kinda rightfully anxious? I told him about how i am a little freak and i basically am down to date 90% of my friends #But i got told by Oliver that it could be i act that way bc i dont want to be abandoned/left so im willing to compromise however they want #Me to... So talked about that with him and yep. We finally got into the whole... 'what are we' business. Or well kinda not directly #He said he didn't want to bring it up but we basically are on the subject so... And how hes worried that i will think too much about him #'i worry the more time we spend together the more your life will revolve around me and you'll value me so much more than i do you' #'it doesnt seem fair to you so ive occasionally not talked with you because i worry about that. You're a great friend but I know how much #You think about people. And im worried if you think about me too much you'll develop feelings or I'll mean more to you than before' i... He #Isnt wrong? Thats kinda how i work. The more people prioritize me the more ill value them and cherish them? But also... Idk if he understod #That i dont actively think about kissing or dating my friends? Its just a thing i know that if anyone asked I'd be down for it. But i dont #Daydream about it or anything. But then again he said some cryptic fabian shit like 'i dont have anyone else to compare with so i assume #What we have is normal. I sometimes want to cross the line to see where i still stand with you after doing it' like bro... Im so sorry i am #I am so far from 'normal' and him having me as his biggest both friend and female/woman in his life is probably such a mess i am crying #Me: ok then cross the line and see how you feel. 'but thats the problem. You dont have a line you're so open and down with everything you #Dont really react badly' I know i... Probably am making things hard for him sometimes but this was an holy shit moment /: hes worried to #Spend too much time with me bc of how i can potentially feel? Meanwhile I'm basically 80%+ of all his social interactions 😭 at one hand i #Appreciate him thinking of me and worry i guess but... Yeah. I told him: listen Fabian. My life does not revolve around you and youre not #The only one i think about. You are safe.' his and mine relationship is my favorite but also i definitely worry bc i know how much what we #Have or talk about or act is his... Only reference for girls basically. I mean outside his mom. He's not had any other girl friends and no #Actual girlfriend. So his reference to whats... Okay and appropriate is basically dictated by me and im seeing that very clear now im kinda #Afraid. Like... Im not normal on any level. If he's basing his view on women on me hes going to have an awful time truly... Idk if i should #Be offended or flattered that he thinks he's the center of my world 😭 like hes not completely wrong. I talk with him multiple times per #Week. But i can also say hes not all i think about at all waking hours lol. I obviously love him and care so much about him but im not #In love with him. Not as far as i know anyway. I dont think of him how i do people i have crushes on for example so yeaah. It bothers me #More that he couldn't just say 'im not into you' bc thats fine. He added the whole element of 'im not sure' like buddy now im going to be #Anxious about that in the future. I guess he have no reference to crushes so he cant tell but like... How do you want me to act so you can #Tell? I want an solid answer putting in an maybe is cruel even to me. This is funny bc tbh i dont even know if i would be able to date him #Even if he said he wanted to. Bc i know his biggest wish is to be a dad and i have nog fully embraced that idea even /: 'i can feel how ego #Centered i am. Assuming im the center of your world like that' at least youre self aware sweetie. Sounded like he was at peace with all we #Said and im here like... Binch there's so much to think about i wish i could read your mind i need more information to understand all this

[toastsnaffler]

one unfortunate thing abt watching bloody violent up-close-and-personal movies is that it makes me even more crazy touchstarved than usual after.. I need to wrestle someone NOW

#i need to BITE. or lie in someones lap and let them stroke my hair #also now my family have left i probably wont even get a hug for a longass time......... its dire out here #ik my flatmate said a while ago she wouldnt mind if i wanted more physical contact or whatever but ik thats not true #bc she always seems so physically uncomfortable near me or moves so distinctly far out of my space like i get the message man #and its just difficult for me for so many complicated reasons. sigh #im just tired of feeling so lonely always all the time. and so ostracised or alienated in every community and relationship in my life #and i know thats my own fucking fault bc im stupidly incapable of allowing myself to trust and believe other people abt anything #and partly also bc im disabled and autistic as shit etcetc and so will always come across weird and Other and i have no control over that #but mostly its my fault. and i dont even know where to begin trying to fix that man. if its even fixable in this lifetime i dont even know #but it sucks ass im so tired of being sad and close to tears 90% of the time i cry on the fucking daily even on good days #dont get me wrong im doing pretty okay at the moment like i dont even really have any Real problems its all just in my fucking head #but unfortunately thats the head i live in. and will live in the rest of my life so i guess im always gonna feel like this on some level #so i need to just accept it and be grateful for the shit i have bc it could be so so much worse #and yet i cant just do that so here we are!!!!!!!!! oh well. #maybe a part of me likes being miserable. or feels like i deserve it. bc im really fucking good at it lmao #anyway i should go to bed soon before this gets worse. at least i dont have work tmr so i can do smth nice or chill all day #and there have been lots of nice things today too.. ah i just need to sleep #sorry for rambling my ass off with my mentally ill monologues again 🙃 well not that sorry bc youll see me do it again lol #.vent #.diaries

[alchemiclee]

as a fellow introvert; we are social creatures. introverts who purposefully see no one for months on end are usually just in a cycle where its been so long since they’ve hung out that it’s too intimidating for them to do anymore. i 100% feel tired after hanging out with my friends but i DO also feel happy and refreshed! tl;dr - you’re super normal lol. try to reach out to a couple people just to chat this week <3

thanks for reaching out I really appreciate it❤️ but I have to rant a bit. I allow you to ignore it!

I wish to not be a social creature because going too long without having a friend to talk to or not having someone to talk with almost daily feels bad and it's so hard to have a friend when I need one D:

i've been reaching out to people for the last few weeks or so but they don't reach back. try playing games with people but they play with their other friends or dont feel like playing. invite people to hang out but they say maybe and never give an answer or don't respond.

I don't want to bother my closest friends in our group chat too much in our group chat but the chat is mostly me sending messages with no response and even couple times saying I need a friend when I was having bad days but they didn't want to chat and I dont want to force anyone to entertain my lonely depressed ass. (especially when all I really needed was to talk about the new star rail stuff to distract me but I don't think they've finished it yet so I don't want to spoil) they live together so they always have to socialize and probably make each other tired without needing to add me to it.

so i've also been trying to reach out to new people, like joining twitch chats again for the first time in years. but that never goes well and doesn't satisfy my social needs. too many people talking at once and being the new person no one cares about and all....getting to know a new is very exhausting. but it's so hard to just be able to skip all that getting to know each other stuff jump straight into talking about a thing we both like (in this case it's star rail and cosplay and maybe art) I don't have enough already-known people to reach out to and i'm too tired to do the small talk dance until it's appropriate to jump into special interest territory. being autistic is so exhausting. I with to be one of those rare autistics I sometimes hear about that have 0 interest in social interaction at all

so as you can see, i'm trying. so hard. to the point I'm exhausting myself. it's been too much work for no payoff and makes things feel worse when the outcome isn't what I need and its constant reaching with no one grabbing my hand back. so I keep making annoying tumblr posts about it. i'm so sorry to anyone that reads my nonsense 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is a normal thing with me but it's usually kept to my other blog that's reserved for more serious posts like this but I tried posting here as a way to "reach out" and see if it invites any friendly friends or something but I don't think i'm doing it right...

(but I am going to a con tomorrow with someone I haven't talked to in like 2 years. but we don't have anything in common anymore so theres not much to talk about. he's the only person who responded to me after trying to reach out for like a month but I fear it will only exhaust me being around too many people and not help this gross need to have a deeper connecting socialization D:)

#i dont know how to ask for attention without asking for attention because attention seeking is bad and annoying #the more needy and annoying you come off the more people will ignore you. saying i need someone to talk to or hang out with gets me ignored #but being vague gets me also ignored???? like just trying to start a convo by throwing things out randomly doesnt work either #so if i cant be direct or indirect or invite people or ask to be invited or anything else ive tried ehst do i do? #how do i satisfy this stupid social need im cursed with? it takes me a month or 3 to recover from socializing so its not like i always ask #but its still too much. and “you need to find the right people” isnt helpful. because how!!! ive been looking for that for 30 years lmao #i just need someone to invite me and always invite me every time and always reach out first every time (well not every time. just dont make #me be the one every time because thats how it usually seems to go) #but no one wants to do the work and tell me when its ok to bother them. if i bother someone too many times in a row and get no response #then i will stop and wait. and wait. and wait. and give up eventually. or after certain amount of rejections i give up. #so that i dont come off as needy and attention seeking and obnoxious. if people want me they can come to me. and when no one does #that just feels bad. i hate that it feels bad. i wish to make that stop. i wish to turn off feelings. #i cannot figure out the line between bothering someone too much or just enough. how much am i required to push people #and how much is too much where i snap the line while trying to reel them in? because ive snapped more times than ive caught #or the bait just gets completely ignored and i get bored of waiting #oops im slipping into metaphor territory now. that means its time to stop saying words. #hopefully no one reads my annoying tags. i just needed a free space to ramble and vent amd tags are lile little whispers to do that in #but also it is autism acceptance month. people should be adopting a local autistic(me) person to show them what having friends is like #lee rants #im being super particular about how i need to socialize right now as well. dont want trauma bonding/life talks/depression sharing type stuff #only want special interest light hearted goofy fun talks. but those are so hard to do. its easy for people to default into doom conversation #but its hard to keep them on my topic of interest and to stay positive 😭

[inkubye]

#the despair continues #all of the options available to me make me feel catatonic w depression and demotivation #i want to seek my rights within the uni department but i dont want to rock the boat too much #but like. i have to resort to begging and asking this that might seem ungrateful bc im unable to cope #be a mental health training department. create the perfect conditions for disadvantaged students to become more mentally ill #thanks guys! really in touch w the current state of the economy and your students' needs!! and w their mental wellbeing! good job #:)) #meant to be finishing my diss and last couple of weeks in the uni house but im too sad to do anything properly #my parents are reassuring me that everythings fine and they will help me #im rly thankful to them ofc #but the fact that i will have to rely to heavily on their support when im gonna be WORKING FULL TIME #and the most ideal option for my mental health will be the most expensive option for myself and everyone in the family #so theres no winning. im fucked over either way #i cant even take this to a therapist bc the only thing that would help is financial assistance #i hope that the bursary ppl response and are sympathetic to my situation #og post #personal