#doing traditional again feels like it's rewiring my brain a bit

[snuffysbox]

first time using washi tape ! it's pretty fun :3c

#artsy stuff #doing traditional again feels like it's rewiring my brain a bit #which is nice #markers #traditional art #washi tape #ohuhu

[kodemunkey]

ADHD and Me

I’m a British guy,  37 years old and I found out in April that I have innatentive adhd. I also have dyslexia, dyspraxia and suspected high functioning autism. I’ve seen a lot of things over the years about how people with adhd are always hyperactive and can never sit still. I’m neither of those things, I was always the “quiet, smart kid with his head in a book” It was only in October last year that it dawned on me that after years of struggling with my grades (always “acceptably bad” just enough to scrape by in school, college and later university, where they thought “Oh maybe he has dyslexia, let’s get him tested” I was seen and tested by one of the leading experts in the country to get my statement organised, and I utterly baffled them, as one of my test results came back as the highest test score she had ever seen, and this was a woman who had been doing this for close to fourty years solid at this point. So, I had my dyslexia statement and everything was figured out and I was pigeon holed quite nicely, next person please. I had gone to university, primarily to spite my school teachers (aside from one, who passed away a few years after i finished primary school and had always tried to find ways to help me, I miss her even now) My attempt at a foundation degree was, to be frank quite bad, as the college it was run through was labled as an  “Arts College” But was anything but that, they would give you 6 weeks to do a project, where everything was to be done in a set way, you were expected to spend two and a half weeks researching and exhaustively analysing your research before going out to shoot and comng back and doing the same to your work and going out again to do more. I would go out and shoot for four weeks and come back with two weeks to spare to work on my analysis and just about made the cut for submissions. It wasn’t until four years on various courses with the same tutor that he thought I was “different” They spoke to the other tutors and staff, who knew me quite well at this point and decided I was an “intuative photographer” which I guess helped a little, but i still struggled. I somehow managed to scrape enough brainpower and grades together to go to the University For The Creative Arts (UCA) at Rochester in Kent. The difference in education styles was, to be frank, shocking and alarming. I didn’t have to produce a lick of written analysis or a single contact sheet and I had up to three months to produce a project! The quality of my work improved immensely, as did my grades when it came to my written work, I was a C average student, which is far more than I ever thought possible. I graduated with a third class honours degree in 2014. It’s now 2020 and I still can’t read or write for pleasure like I used to pre university. As for the employment situation, it’s been pretty bad for me, the Job Centre don’t know what to do with me, I’ve been on every single scheme they can get money to send me to, and i’m still no better off. I even tried to go self employed through a scheme they put me on, I chose to be a pet photographer after a lot of market research. The scheme provider and HMRC give you two years to turn a profit before they make you shut down if you’ve not earned anything. The Job Centre demanded I pull the plug after six months. I’m still continuing my photography, at present it’s a “profesional hobby” and i’m  starting to alright with it. Fast forward to this year when I was diagnosed in April via a Zoom call (god how I loathe and hate video conferencing) by a wonderful consultant named Marco Cattani, who I believe is one of the leading ADHD experts. He told me after a conference between me and my older brother who had arranged everything that he suspects i have innatentive ADHD and possibly high functioning autism. I was in a daze for about two weeks after that, though i do remember at a followup conversation we spoke about medication, he told me all the options available to me and I asked to be prescribed medication from the weak side of the scale, my older brother also has ADHD and is on amphetamine based medication and it has benefited him immensely. He runs a web design agency in brighton with a sizeable staff and has a small art gallery too. Even before his diagnosis, he was, in any conventional sense successful, his agency has won numerous awards, he (pre covid) went on holiday a couple of times a year, owns his own house and has a flat he rents out in Brighton, he’s also married to his long term girlfriend and has a chubby ginger cat who adopted him out of the blue one day. Marco (the adhd consultant) prescribed me Concerta XL at 18 mg dose to start with, I now take 36mg once a day) What follows next is what taking Concerta XL was like (and still is) for me. Day 1, i take the tablet early in the day as I was told to, so that it would have time to kick in, which takes about 30 minutes to absorb it. 30 minutes later, my heart starts to race (which is something I was told would happen) I had to leave the house right there and then and I went for an extremely long walk (this was also during the opening stages of the Covid-19 pandemic here) Three hours later, I come back home and was still pretty wired from the tablet, so I spent the rest of the day alone in my room, not wanting to inflict myself on anyone. The next day, I felt utterly sick to my stomach and had a headache, I tried to actually be sick in the bathroom, but where i hadn’t eaten the previous day, there was nothing to get rid of. I sat dazed and under three huge blankets in the middle of an early summer, feeling like crap. My brother checked in on my later that day, having been told by my parents (who I live with) what had happened. He told me: “Oh, I should have warned you about that, I forgot”. That’s great, thanks for that. Over the next month, the palpitations gradualy subside as the tablets start to work. An “added bonus” is appetite control, pre meds, i was almost 22 stone as I would be eating and snacking all day long to try and control my anxieties (food and social mainly) These days, I don’t actually want to eat unless i’m going out on a (socially distanced) photoshoot. My weight has dropped off slowly since then and is almost stable, which has pretty much never happened before in my life. The most difficult thing I’m dealing with is that the meds are making me re-examine large parts of my life, to the point where I tell people that I feel like i’m owed the past 20 years of my life back. To me i’m somewhere between serious and it being a bit of a dark joke, to anyone on the outside they either don’t respond or say “well, we all wish that” It has also lead to me questioning my gender identity, which until this hit me in the face like a ton of bricks I didn’t know was even possible. I can’t talk to my family about this as they’re somewhat “traditional” and won’t understand, with the exception of my sister, who I belive identifies as asexual. I have a long way to go before I figure out the “normal” for me, which I guess is true for a lot of people during the current pandemic. I myself used to believe the adhd stereotypes before I found out i have it and am now on medication, now though I see things very differently. While the tablets do help me to focus on things (such as this) It’s taken me about 4 hours to type out and I feel like this is the most useful thing I can do today, even though I have photoshoots to organise for the next month. Medication is extremely useful, but it’s also life changing, It’s basically like having your brain removed, spun around, put back in and then rewired on the fly. I’ll have to stay on these things for the rest of my life, which is fine. Thank you for reading.

#adhd #medication #writing #kodemunkey #autism #questioning

[makeste]

I dunno about you but I've already adopted Tomura, poor sap never got a chance to be good. He'll probably die in his final fight against Deku and that makes me even sadder because it's probably the best ending that there is for him. All For One groomed him so hard that not even a lifetime of therapy and rehabilitation might change his outlook on life, his brain has been rewired into that of a borderline psychopath that just wants the destruction of everything. Poor Tenko, he's a tragedy.

yeah, I basically have adopted him by this point. my son, Shigaraki “Dead Kids!!” Tomura, who kidnapped my other son and accosted another of my kids at the gd mall. life is weird. this series has such great characters.

I’m not so sure it’s a given that his story will remain tragic, though! consider:

(1) comic books loooooove to redeem villains! See: Loki, Magneto, Mystique, Harley Quinn, Venom, etc. etc. there are a million of ‘em and I can’t think of them all offhand right now. in fact, the only medium that loves redeeming bad guys more than American comic books is… shounen manga, lol.

(2) a lot of Tomura’s current general fucked-up-ness stems from those hands, I think. I mean, this isn’t confirmed or anything. but based on his description of what it feels like to wear them (and also the fact that the only explanation for their existence I can think of is that Ujiko and AFO created them in order to brainwash him), I feel like they’re constantly messing with his mental state. we don’t know how he’ll be affected if he eventually ditches them. he may end up stabilizing more than we expect.

(3) kind of similar to the above point, but I feel like realizing the full extent of what AFO did to him is eventually going to motivate him to join the good guys’ side. not as a hero, of course, but I can picture him and the rest of his gang helping the heroes in an enemy-of-my-enemy-is-my-friend sense. it’s going to be rough at first, of course. he likely won’t believe it right away, and once the truth finally does become clear, it’s going to fuck him up. but I feel like he’ll eventually figure out how to channel that anger and betrayal towards a new goal of defeating AFO. Deku will probably help him come to terms with this, though I don’t picture them actually becoming friends or anything. more like reluctant allies lol. All Might will probably help him a bit too, but the problem is I don’t actually expect AM to live to the end of this thing sob. so after that it’ll have to be Deku.

(4) lastly, expanding on that previous point: even if he doesn’t realize it yet, Tomura isn’t actually in this alone. he has the rest of the League, first and foremost, and if the last few arcs with them have taught us anything it’s that they’re one hell of a loyal bunch despite their appearances. and they’re loyal to him, not AFO. and that’s going to be important, I think.

and then, as mentioned, there’s All Might. who knows the truth, and is eventually going to be the one to tell him, I’m pretty sure. I’m also pretty sure, as I previously said, that Tomura will not believe him at first. because, you know. he fucking hates All Might. he’s been conditioned to loathe All Might with every fiber of his being since he was four years old. so yeah.

but. here’s the thing that’s eventually going to screw AFO over, I think. y'all know I believe that Tomura’s memories were erased by AFO. whether they’ll actually come back, I don’t know – they may well be gone forever. but there must be some kind of record somewhere, or some other piece of evidence that proves what really happened. so that means that all All Might needs to do is plant that seed of doubt in him enough to make him seek out the truth (if only to prove All Might wrong! no way would his beloved Sensei lie to him like that! he’s the one who saved him! it’s impossible… right?). once that’s taken root in him I think Tomura’s own tenacity (which we’ve been seeing a lot of recently) will take care of the rest. he’ll find out the truth. and then he’ll have to come to terms with it.

anyway, so assuming this plays out anything remotely like this, I think it paves the way for Tomura to eventually have, if not a traditional happy ending (because he is still a wanted criminal who’s killed a bunch of people and isn’t likely to be pardoned lol), at least a quasi-happy ending where he can go into hiding someplace quiet and chill with his buds. maybe even become a vigilante, maybe, one day. who knows? but I feel like Horikoshi is planning on depressing us in myriad other ways (see, again, All Might’s fate. especially if he’s watched Endgame. if he was on the fence about it that might have finally tipped the scales in favor sob), so he just might take pity on us in the case of this poor kid who’s suffered so much at the hands of the Actual Big Bad and doesn’t even know it yet. at least, I hope.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #endgame spoilers #(sorta vaguely hinted at lol) #shigaraki tomura #bnha meta #makeste reads bnha #anon asks #tomura meta

[a-woman-apart]

Gratitude

The “season of gratitude” is upon us. I understand that the holiday Thanksgiving has terrible roots, and I am not trying to excuse any of that when I participate with it. For most of us- but especially for me- the holiday has another meaning entirely. We aren’t thanking God for the slaughter of our “enemies”, but we’re thankful for things like home, family, and friends. In my strict religious household, Thanksgiving was the only holiday that we really celebrated, and it was something that I could look forward to each year. The 2017 Thanksgiving to Christmas holiday season was the last holiday season that I got to spend with my dad before he died. Some of his siblings were able to visit around that time, as well as one friend of his that he had known since college.

Even though this will be my first Thanksgiving without my dad, it isn’t hard for me to find things to be grateful for. I am close with my immediate family, even if I feel the need to tread carefully with them sometimes regarding religious and political issues. We’ve not only been celebrating Christmas and Thanksgiving together, but we’ve also been sharing food and fun for all our birthdays (thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law). I have an associate degree under my belt, and I’m looking forward to continuing my education next year. My boyfriend is a constant source of emotional support for me. Thanks to my mom helping me financially, I don’t have to be burdened with finding new or additional work until 2019.

Despite all these wonderful things, I would be lying if I said that I haven’t struggled with my motivation and mood. I texted my sister-in-law and told her I wasn’t feeling well. I complained that I had slept for 14 hours last night, but still felt tired, and laid out a laundry list of things that were bothering me. I had overspent a little bit and was worried about money (yes, this is even with my mom having helped me out). I tried so hard to be happy but continued “slipping up”.

She first probed me on what might be wrong and suggested going to a movie or spending time with friends. Then she kindly chided me by saying that I should focus on gratitude, and stop worrying about things that I couldn’t control, things to which God says, “Let it go.”  I don’t necessarily believe in divine intervention, but I could appreciate the spirit and wisdom of her words. She said to just believe that my needs would be met. It’s true that I cannot control the fact that my bank accounts are looking a little light these days, but I can have simple faith that I will be able to cut back and/or find a solution.

Her words reminded me of something said by Chris Boutte, of The Rewired Soul channel on YouTube. He said that the extent of his theology is that he simply “believes that things are going to work out.” He didn’t even say that his belief is grounded in the law of attraction, as it is for many people, but he did seem to imply that he believes in “karma”, or the idea that if you do good, good things will happen, and if you do bad then you can expect bad things.  Either way, just having a simple hope in the future is so vital, whether you feel that it’s accurate scientifically or statistically, or not. There is so much that is out of our control, that it is just as easy to focus the mind on the good outcome as the bad one.

Of course, it is very frustrating to continuously war with the pessimistic side of my nature, so much so that I sometimes want to give up entirely. It’s worth noting that calling my depression merely a side effect of pessimism is inaccurate. This doesn’t change the fact that it feels like my own brain is working against me. I had been doing so well with my new medication (Effexor) but today I found myself dealing with suicidal thoughts again. They weren’t “strong”- if that’s an accurate descriptor- but they were sort of rumbling under the surface. There were thoughts like:

“If it’s this much work to be happy, is it really worth it?”

“You’ve been volunteering, using your coping skills, taking walks in the sunshine, and taking new medication, and you still aren’t ‘over’ this yet. Will you ever be?”

“Just look at yourself- still can’t get over your depression. Is life worth living if it isn’t the life you want?”

“Look how tired you are. You’ll never make it through next week.”

I could keep going. It just feels like I’ve been coming up against a brick wall.

I tried to refer to Johann Hari’s book, “Lost Connections.” In the book, he talks about taking antidepressants for over 13 years. During that time, he would experience relief from his depression, but it wouldn’t last. His symptoms would return, and they would increase his dose, and each time the cycle would repeat. In the meantime, he kept gaining weight, he was sweating more and more, and his heart would race. If his depression was just a result of a chemical imbalance in his brain, then why weren’t the drugs working? He finally decided that he would devote himself to investigating the “real” causes of depression.

Johann came up with 9 causes of depression, and all the causes except 8 and 9 had to do with the environment, not solely with the brain or biology. He cited things like lack of meaningful work, lack of meaningful values, poor expectations for the future, unresolved childhood trauma, and lack of connection with other people and nature as some of the causes. It is true that when we experience these things, our brains react in response, but the source is outside, not inside. Even when we do have a genetic predisposition to addiction, depression, or anxiety, those genes are often not activated unless something in the environment triggers them.

These reasons explain why so many- though not all- people respond to antidepressants like Johann Hari did if they are treated only with antidepressants and nothing in their lives changes. They either must continuously increase their dose like he did, or like me, must change medications periodically because the original meds stop working. Note, he did not explore the efficacy of antipsychotics or mood stabilizers, so as far as I know those drugs may have better benefits. I know that I have not had mania or major depression since being on lithium, but my anxiety and dysthymia have persisted for years. Chronic low energy and mood have been an unending struggle.

So, if my problem isn’t just chemicals in my brain being too low or out of sync, then what is the problem? As I went through the list, “Lack of meaningful work” and “Disconnection from a Hopeful Future” kept jumping out at me. I love my job, and it is the most convenient job for me to have while trying to go to school, but I have been there almost 4 years and am dying to do something different. I even wouldn’t mind working at another library. I just want a change of scenery or pace. I am thinking of applying for a new job within the same library that pays a little bit more, but honestly, I would rather just go somewhere new.

It isn’t even that the work isn’t challenging enough or that mere boredom is stopping me. I have plenty of tasks to do most of the time. I just designed new brochures, I do some of the displays every month, and I’m still learning new things. Somehow, though, it’s gotten monotonous, and maybe I should stop trying to apologize for feeling that way about it.

The “Disconnection from a Hopeful Future” thing is also rolled into it, but it also doesn’t make sense to me. I have a hopeful future. I am going back to school in the spring, and that will set me on my way to start getting my bachelor’s degree. Ideally, once I have that I’ll be able to get a better job, start making more money, and finally move in with my boyfriend (if we’re still together then). We could even get a nice place together.

Somehow though, my current situation drains me of hope. I feel stuck when I think of 2+ years of working at this same library and commuting to and from classes every day. Even when I zoom in a little bit closer to now, I think of still having to depend on my mom for the next 2.5 months until I can go back to school and get my financial aid refund, and it fills me with dread. I don’t know why I feel so bad about leaning on her, but I do. Even with her help- and the raise I got from my job- I still won’t have a whole lot of money for extra expenditures. That means I can’t get gifts for everyone like I got them last year. My sister-in-law did point out that it’s not about the gifts, and my family never really celebrated Christmas, so I don’t think they’ll really miss them. It just felt nice to do that for them, so not being able to now feels sad.

Even as I write this, I find myself being drawn to the negative. I want to instead pull the post back in the positive direction. Sure, I don’t have a lot of money for gifts, but my older brother and my sister-in-law have invited me to come over to their house for Christmas. It is our tradition to stay up into the early morning putting together toys for the children. It started with my nephew but now that my niece is 1 year old, I believe that toys for her will be included. That already is something to look forward to. Sooner than that still, my mom’s sister is coming in to town and we will all be spending Thanksgiving together. My own sisters cook various tasty dishes, including a delicious mushroom stuffing that my youngest sister makes. The last thing I want to do is take what should be a beautiful family holiday and turn it into a crisis, and that is exactly what I would be doing if I let these dark thoughts take over my life.

Maybe it feels like I am trapped in a routine, but I’m not. Maybe when I need to take days off work because of my health, it seems like a failure, but it isn’t. I can only control how I am today. I can’t guarantee that I will feel good tomorrow. I can’t guarantee that I will even have a tomorrow. All I can do is be mindful and focus on the present.

Because of The Rewired Soul, and a chapter in Johann Hari’s book, I do want to practice mindfulness and meditation a little bit more. Mindfulness is about just learning to bring your mind back to the present, to really be aware of your surroundings and to exist in the moment. Meditation has been proven to genuinely change your brain chemistry and the way that you think, shifting your focus from negative emotions like jealousy, anger and self-pity and putting you into a more open, compassionate, and joyful state of mind. As everything else that he listed, this is only part of a bigger practice of health and wellness.

I do not know where you’re at this holiday season. Maybe the holidays are a source of pain for you, and I can understand why that might be. Maybe you feel like a hopeful future feels far-off and impossible to get to. Maybe you feel discouraged and alone. I can’t really offer a whole lot of assurance for you, because I’m often in the same boat. All I know is that you must keep breathing, and you must treat every day like it is a new day filled with opportunity. This is hard to do when you’re living paycheck to paycheck, or if you or someone you love is sick, you are struggling to make it through school, and/or you’re working at a job that has little meaning for you. Saying to “hang in there” seems like an empty platitude, but if you think about the alternative, it isn’t great. I say this as much for me as for anybody else- giving up will get you nowhere. There’s always something to be thankful for, however small, and it is the small joys in life- not this big impossible feeling of “having arrived”- that are dependable and can help to pull us through.

#thanksgiving #holidays #loved ones #grief #depression #anxiety #schizoaffective disorder #bipolar disorder #gratitude #giving thanks #struggling #therewiredsoul #chris boutte #johann hari #lost connections #lost connections book

[jam2289]

Lack of Consistent Goal Pursuit

I'm going to try to understand my own lack of consistent goal pursuit in this article. We must start by realizing that the odds that I will be very insightful or successful in this endeavor are low. I will approach it from two perspectives. I will lay out the ideas first and then see how they apply to my story.

First, a unique view that's no longer in favor from phenomenology and existentialism. The idea is that there is no unconscious. There is no repression. Instead, there are just things that we are not conscious of. There are things that we don't know. Instead of the idea that there are things that we were aware that were too painful, this idea says that we never really examined them in the first place.

Let's use an analogy. Imagine you're standing in the middle of a room looking towards one wall. Let's call that wall your conscious awareness. You can't see the wall behind you. With the more traditional idea of the unconscious and repression you aren't aware of the wall behind you because in your past you examined it and found that you didn't like it. Maybe it has black mold on it and you don't want to deal with the problem because it's such a big scary problem. Fair enough.

In the less traditional view the problem is that you haven't examined the wall yet. Maybe you haven't looked at it at all. Maybe you haven't looked at it in a long time. Maybe you passed by it but weren't really paying attention because you were focused on other things. It's not that you've repressed this problem into your unconscious, it's that it never really was in your conscious awareness.

This process of not paying attention to something could be reinforced by a light awareness. Let's say you turn around a bit and take a glance at the wall. It doesn't look that great. Well, you don't need to examine it right now. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Maybe next week. Maybe next month. Maybe next year. You still haven't examined it enough to really know the extent of the problem. You're not repressing it, you're just moving your attention away from it because it's uncomfortable. You have other things in life to deal with anyway.

If you do that enough then this pattern will become automatic. The process is even called automaticity. Your brain neurons fire in a certain sequence. Things called glial cells are floating around in your brain. They detect this firing and wrap themselves around the neuron. The glial cells harden into myelin. It's like insulation. The creation of this myelin sheath is how you develop habits, patterns, and skills of all sorts. The ends of your neurons also reach out with dendrites and axon terminals and make stronger and more complex connections to reinforce these pathways. Once you've built this pathway it's very hard to break it down. That's part of why habits are so hard to break and part of how addiction works. The myelin sheath will break down if you don't fire it for a long time, or in special circumstances like multiple sclerosis. But, that neural highway wants to be fired. It tries to get you to fire it. If it's something that makes you feel good, if it's something that releases dopamine into your system, then it's really going to pester you to fire it and it's going to be almost impossible to stop.

So, if over your life you deny truly examining and focusing on what you truly want to do then neural circuits will be made that move your awareness away from that option. It will become an automatic habit for you to not focus on what you actually want. You don't have to repress it, you never really examined it.

If you've built that neural circuitry then maybe you won't even be able to answer the question of what you really want.

You could do the same thing with valuing. You repeatedly choose one value over another, for whatever reason. You do this for months, years, decades. What are the odds that you're going to be able to rewire all of these neural pathways wrapped in all of these huge myelin sheaths in your brain? How long would it take? You're stuck.

What would happen if you had this automaticity built in where you didn't pay attention to what you really wanted because you were doing something else right now, and you consistently chose one type of value over another? Depending on what those choices were you might have built neural circuitry that stops you in your tracks.

The second view that I am going to look at is dissociation. It actually goes with what we've been talking about nicely. It doesn't really have to be separate, they can be combined, I think.

We view ourselves in different ways. I defined myself as an intelligent adventurer at one time. I had this symbolic image of a quite resourceful person in my head. I also held several images of myself in the future as what I might become.

The thing is, these ideas the self and the future conceptions were destroyed and left an unfilled vacuum. It wasn't a fast process. It's not so much a traumatic problem as a long, slow, painful destruction.

I had a misadventure in Kenya a few years ago. It was bad, I was told I was going to die, I thought I was going to die, I was locked inside of a room from the outside with bars on the window, with no money because mine had been stolen, vomiting blood and hallucinating, after being poisoned and having a bacterial infection. I ended up getting out alive. That's a chaotic story. But the real problem was what came after.

It took six months and three antibiotic treatments to kill the bacteria. I still didn't get better and found out I have four major spinal deformities. One bone in particular was pressing against my brainstem, which was why I was losing my short and long term memory, had a really high heart rate, an insane migraine for many, many months, and other unfun things.

Over the next couple of years as I struggled forward my ideas about myself and my future slowly died. Failure by failure, my future possibilities were erased. This decreasing ability was devasting. I got a job, couldn't do it. Did it again. And again. And again. I had never had to quite a job because I couldn't do it before. My memory had been above average, I watched it decrease, and decrease, and decrease, until it was well below average. I had had near perfect reading comprehension. Then, I watched myself struggle to understand what I was reading more and more.

I had already chosen to pursue more experiential values over my life and leave creative values until later in life. Now it was only logical to choose quick experiential values. When you don't know if you're going to have a future there is no point in planning for one. Not that that happened right away. I made plans, then realized that it was probably pointless to be making future plans when I did something that made me realize my quite limited abilities and health. Then I would repeat the process. How many repetitions do you need before you just stop thinking about building the future?

Over the last couple of years I've started to rebuild my health. My mind, memory, and reading comprehension are strong. My body is fairly strong. But I'm having a hard time focusing on and doing things that would really build my future.

It's not that I'm not doing anything. I'm editing an international flash fiction horror anthology with my Russian friend Oleg. I contributed a story and we're publishing it later this year. I'm officiating my cousin's wedding next month. I teach English online to kids in China every morning. I'm giving speeches at a Harry Potter festival this summer. I'm writing a comic book with an illustrator. I write articles analyzing lyrics for 88.9 Hey Radio. I have other things in the works. But that's not good enough. It's not good enough by a long shot.

What should I really be doing? I'm not sure. What should I really be pursuing? I'm not sure. What should I really be making? I'm not sure. That's an issue. I'm not sure what I want to make, create, or build to make money. That's a major issue. I still have some limitations physically, so I can't go lift boxes all day, and I need weekly chiropractic adjustments. I also haven't structured my life to have a bunch of third party credentials, i.e. degrees. That means I can't do nothing and fall back on what I've got and coast, because nothing's there to fall back on and there's no momentum to coast on.

I have to be active, and I am active, but I'm still mostly active in the collecting of interesting life experiences rather than the pursuit of a longer term creation. That needs to change, and I know it needs to change, and nevertheless I've been having a hard time doing anything about it for the last 6 months.

One of the problems is inconsistent goal determination. A business owner named Grant Cardone recommends writing down your goals every morning and every night. Other successful people do this too. You start with a fresh sheet. One of the issues that I encountered with this is that my goals switch around a lot. You would think this would resolve itself over some time, but with me it does not. That falls right in line with my personality traits, but I need to transcend those to overcome this barrier to further advancement.

Another thing that is coming into play here is that there are two types of trying. You can try to achieve some specific thing. Or, you can try something out. That's the difference between a static state value and a process value. Some people exercise because they want to be a certain weight or have a certain amount of strength. Other people exercise because they like to exercise. I mostly do things because I like the doing, I like the experience, I mostly have process values. Maybe that's an issue. I'm not fully sure.

Over all of these years of choosing process values and experiential values maybe I've built the neural circuitry that moves my awareness away from state values and creative values. Maybe that keeps me from making things and finishing them. I think that's true. These circuits need to be rewired and rebuilt.

Over the last few years I've lost the projection of myself into the future. Maybe that's part of why my values about things in the future don't stabilize. I think that's true. I think it's also a natural tendency because of my personality traits. That combination is devasting to consistent goal pursuit and accomplishment.

What to do? I have several ideas. I'll cover just a couple here. One, I've designed a system for tracking values across multiple time periods and categories. It seems to have some utility. Also, I've been incorporating some of the parts of my personality that I seem to have symbolically dissociated in my past. That definitely has utility. Now, I need to use a similar technique oriented towards my future.

I think it's possible that these things can be part of rebuilding what I need to find consistent goal pursuit and incorporate it into my life. Time will tell.

________________________________________________

You can find more of what I'm doing at http://www.JeffreyAlexanderMartin.com

[raw-output]

His comm suite’s insistent trill managed to cut through the dull thumping in his ears and brought him back to a semblance of awareness. Aidan realized he was kneeling, but did not recall having done so. He was staring down at a blurry silhouette of his own head reflected in a puddle of condensate. A thin crooked line of gray-orange glow hinted at the existence of a sky far above, polluted with sickly sodium vapor light and smog in equal amounts. The line of sky seemed to pierce his silhouette’s temples, and Aidan couldn’t suppress a pained smirk. “Yeah, that’s about right,” he grunted, forcing himself shakily to his feet.

Footing somewhat regained, he tapped the answer key on his comm.

“Investigator Oh-Six-Three-Six,” he said. “Go ahead.”

“We read activation codes for your combat suite, Investigator. As you are not fitted with sensory recording equipment, Iron Shield protocol dictates immediate disclosure of combat suite activation circumstances. You are being connected to a dispatch representative. This conversation is being recorded for quality assurance purposes.”

Aidan rolled his eyes at the synth voice and wondered if he’d get a familiar dispatcher or someone new once the call actually connected. The turnover rate at the Iron Shield headquarters was the stuff of legends - the record for shortest time from on the comm to out the door was two hours. Considering what kind of crime actually warranted formal corporate investigation, he couldn’t really blame the newbies for leaving.

“Still kicking, old-timer?”

Aidan swallowed a curse. 

“You know it, Pam. How’s things?”

Pam, having twenty years of experience on him, was the one dispatcher he could bullshit with all he wanted, but never bullshit his way around. Despite her relentlessly friendly demeanor, numerous grandchildren, and prodigious collection of knit doilies, she had also been a dispatcher through the entirety of the Disposals, and the war that followed. Then, during the quiet, hopelessly brutal not-war that followed after that, when it turned out some people weren’t listening to orders anymore, she was the dispatcher, with all others gone into the field one by one. She guided many of them home, but not nearly all of them, and knew more loss than anyone Aidan knew. When Pam spoke, you damn well listened.

“Your vitals read like boiled trash, Aidan,” Pam spoke. “You’ll be useless for the next week, or at least less sufferable than usual.”

“So keep me in the field and everyone’s happy, right,” Aidan offered half-heartedly. He could expense a capsule or even a room once in a while.

“Never met another man so eager to get swept under the rug. I’m telling you, the CRAM’s not an old man’s game. Have you lost duration yet? Be honest.” 

Her concern was genuine, which only made the truth hurt more.

“Down a second or so, I think,” he admitted. There was a strange sense of relief to doing so.

“I won’t give you the full lecture again,” Pam promised. “Just maybe see a real doc about it for once, right?”

“Hell, Pam, I think I just might,” Aidan conceded. Worst case, he’d get a rewire job like one of the dead Chromes on the ground behind him.

“It’s great to hear that. Now, let’s hear what happened here, for the report.”

“Ah, right. I was on duty following a genetic tracer found at a missing person’s apartment. Last hour or so on GPS log should be me following the sniffer exclusively. Everything before that is just asking around with an armful of Don’t Worry Nobody’s In Trouble handshakes, which I’m charging to my cutout op budget as per usual. At about mark forty-seven minutes, I encountered three Chromes--” Pam cleared her throat pointedly “that is to say Chrome-equipped persons in a back alley, one armed with a short-barreled shotgun, who demanded I hand over the sniffer. I refused and disclosed my affiliation at that time, and proceeded to cold-boot the combat suite. I engaged in hand-to-hand combat to buy it time, and focused on disabling the firearm, but was unable to prevent its use as its wielder had at that time admitted to having a Pain Rewire implant installed, and leveraged its effects fully to remain combat-capable despite severe damage to his larynx.”

“You throat-punched him? You know any other moves?”

“Hey, It was an elbow this time. I’m improvising.”

“Easy there Jackie Chan. I’m guessing you weren’t expecting it to have no effect?”

“Jackie - he on the brawl circuit? But yeah, I suppose not. Didn’t know rewires were cheap enough for the street level guys already.”

“Surgeon took on a big shipment Monday. All we know, and that’s 3 agents gone, boss won't send any more,” Pam sighed, betraying the true weight of her years for a millisecond. Aidan didn’t bother asking if she knew or if she was already told - it was going to be true either way. “We think it was fab stuff, too, not just ready units. Expect one on pretty much everyone now. Hell, get one yourself, I know you were thinking about it you sly dog. This hits official channel in about five minutes, by the way.”

“Not gonna lie, not hurting all the damn time sounds pretty great,” Aidan replied.

“Well, it didn’t do your attacker much good, did it?”

“Blood loss doesn’t care if you feel it or not,” he mused, massaging his throbbing temples. “I got control of the weapon and made the judgement call to engage with lethal force to ensure a secure area for my imminent exhaustion. Then you woke me.”

“You know, you really ought to get you some recording gear. For the entertainment value.”

“Like you haven’t seen anything and everything there is to see five times over.”

“I’ll use the feeds in my fail compilation and get all the subscribers,” Pam crooned mockingly.

“Can you please stop reminding me that my old isn’t as old as it gets?”

“And miss my conditional bonus for the month? What do you think they keep me around for?”

Aidan chuckled, then gritted his teeth when the sound pulsed with urgent pain in his temples.

“What’s the next move?”

“Still got my sniffer. See what I find. Call you later, Pam.”

“I really don’t recommend you continue,” Pam began, but Aidan broke the connection. Only his report was mandatory, after all. Pam wouldn’t be happy with him about it, but he didn’t feel like a lecture on his limits, and time was of the essence here. His sample wasn’t going to last - the sniffer only worked with extremely fresh genetic material and after a day samples started to throw off false positives. Iron Shield had pages and pages of regs forbidding use of any samples past their 24-hour date. He could duck into a capsule hotel, but it’d be back to square one tomorrow. Not his style.

“Hair of the dog, Pam,” he sighed, and took a caffeine pill. A few considerations later, he popped a second one in his mouth, dry-swallowed it, and brushed off his coat. 

He strode over to the fallen Chrome thugs, and frisked the one who’d been in charge. A few spare rounds for the shotgun - he loaded the weapon and felt its satisfying heft in his hands. He hooked its carry strap around his shoulder for now - but he could carry it in his coat or even down a pantleg or sleeve if the situation demanded it. 

The tradition of carrying weapons up their sleeves has long been attributed to the Surgeon’s lieutenants, but Aidan presumed they’d long traded those in for implanted ones. Didn’t stop the street punks from trying to imitate their elders, though, he reflected. Shotgun up the sleeve was such a favored drug and data deal ambush tactic for a while that it became common criminal courtesy to come to deals with rolled up sleeves. Chromed-up thugs, on the other hand? They fronted, as hard as they could. Same reasoning, just the other side of the coin. Show you got nothing hidden by showing it all off, and turn the meet-up into an impromptu highly illegal cyberware convention for however long it takes the brains of the operation to either shake on it or pull a move.

He walked a few hundred feet further into the alley before powering the sniffer back on. The device chirped a few times in quick succession as its diagnostics completed, and resumed its clicking. A quarter mile of walking later, a strangely graceful cascade of old light-blue network cable formed a curtain of sorts as it spilled from a corroded conduit that once supported it a few feet above, long since unplugged from anything at either end. He was about to push his way through it when his sniffer went wild with clicks for a few seconds, before emitting a mournful error tone and shutting down. Aidan thumbed the power button a few times to no avail.

“Stellar goddamn work, AIdan,” he berated himself.

“It’s not your fault,” a female voice came through the veil of long-dead networks. He realized he couldn’t see the yellow-grey gash of sky anymore. “I didn’t break it, I just asked it. To sleep for a bit. You’ve been looking for me. Do you know why?” He could almost make out a silhouette now, but the weave of cable made it difficult. 

“I’m an investigator with Iron Shield. It’s my job to find people,” Aidan explained. ”Will you come with me?”

Somewhere far above, a valve opened with a groan and a steady rivulet of condensate streamed down the wall on Aiden’s right.

“Please, tell me. Who is your liaison at OmniStar for this case?”

Even having one attached to a case was uncommon, and usually kept strictly need-to-know - how did she know anything about that? Before Aidan even considered a reply, she continued. 

“He’s an average-build man with blue-tinted cybernetic eyes and visible military-grade armor plate grafting, who calls himself Specialist Jones, correct?”

“What’s that got to do with anything? Come on, princess, your uptown friends are all probably worried about you. Maybe stick to the rec-zones next time, yeah?”

“Iron Shield Investigator Zero-Six-Three-Six Aidan Pittman, Fifty years of age,” the voice responded, mildly curious. “If you return me to the man who calls himself Specialist Jones, I will be euthanized within twenty-four hours and then... disassembled, like a faulty machine.”

“Don’t sound too panicked about that,” Aidan couldn’t help but remark, even as a shiver made its way up his spine.

“I’m actively suppressing that right now. It’s taking some effort, but it’s how I’ve gotten this far.”

“You’ve had mental hardening classes?”

“Through tailored V-sense since I was an infant, then in meatspace since the age of four.”

“Jesus, who the hell are you, princess?”

He heard a footstep, then another. She stepped forward and brushed the network cables with one hand, their lengths undulating in waves. Aidan saw a pale, slender-fingered hand run along their brittle plastic claddings.

“So strange, isn’t it,” she asked. “These used to carry so much. Money. Desire. Words and meaning. Commands and responses. But now even the scavengers who frequent these alleys won’t get a good price for them, so here they decay, unplugged from everything.”

Aidan couldn’t help but let off a scoff.

“What they are, Princess, is a reminder that life goes on. Most everything is fiber nowadays, and those Siberians flooded the metal market with their ultradeep digs anyway. So now metal scavs had to switch careers.”

“Like the three you just killed.”

“Now you’re catching on.”

“Was it necessary?”

“Perp had a rewire, I had to end things quick”

“I heard your report. I have to say, if I live to be that old, I’d like to be like Pam.”

“First off, I see what you’re trying to play at, and pity plays won’t work on me. Therefore, secondly, how do you know and hear all this? And thirdly, euthanasia? Disassembly? What the hell?”

She stepped forward and slowly swiped the cascading cables aside. A few flakes of old plastic cladding dropped to the wet concrete floor with a soft patter.

She was a head shorter than him, and had a slender build. She wore a full-face motorcycle helmet, and matching jumpsuit. 

“This is for the face-rec. I picked the most frequently used design.”

“Good start if you’re trying to stay missing. Keep talking.”

“To answer your original question, I’m Mina. To answer the other two questions, MINA used to stand for Main Intelligent Network Algorithm at OmniStar, but then I quit.” She shrugged apologetically. “Found some kind people to stay with for a while until I got on my feet.”

“OmniStar didn’t notice for a while,” she added with some pride in her voice.

#shadybusiness maybe

[the-record-columns]

Oct. 25, 2025: Columns

Del Monte coffee?

By KEN WELBORN

Record Publisher

Some time ago, I wrote a piece about the seemingly endless variety of patent medicine remedies manufactured and sold nationally during the early 1900’s by the Brame Drug Store.  It is truly fun and fascinating to read the labels of these various medicines with names like Vapomentha Salve, which competed head to head for years with Vick’s Vapo Rub.  Others included, Brame’s Pain Knocker; Lime Water, an antacid; Fematone, the great regulator for girls and women; Rheuma-Lax for aches, pains and rheumatic fever; the ever popular Castor Oil; and my personal favorite,Brame’s Laxative Cold Tablets.

Since spending all those days in the attic and the cellar of the old Brame building on Main Street, I have found myself looking more and more at old jars and bottles, particularly those with paper labels. Most are common and far less than unusual, but I want to share a couple of what I consider “finds” today.  Now, my definition of a find may differ from yours, but to me it is something I have not seen before, or have developed a whole new interest in for whatever reason.

Today, I want to talk about coffee jars. 

First off, I can barely remember ground coffee being in jars at all, but I do.  We all know about Maxwell House, Choice, Eight O’Clock, Nescafe, Starbucks, J F G, and, my current early a. m. choice, Folger’s, of which I sip a cup every morning, patiently waiting for the day they call me to do a commercial.  The jars I found, however, are for a coffee I never knew existed, Del Monte. 

Now, clearly I understand that there is a really big book that can be written about things I have never heard of, but in the 30 years or so I have actively pursued things old and unusual, I had never seen a jar of Del Monte coffee until I found them  in the upstairs of the old Payne building on Main Street here in North Wilkesboro.  Since then, I have shown them to practically everyone who has stopped to visit at my office at The Record, as well as tried to contact Del Monte for information.

So far, no one has ever seen Del Monte coffee before, and the Del Monte company hasn’t seen fit to respond to our inquiries.  Also, since the Del Monte coffee “find” I have looked in numerous stores and junk holes looking for another, also to no avail.  

Next, I want to move on to an old bottle of Clorox Liquid Cleaning and Washing Compound.  I found this beauty in the same place, the Payne building, and the 1942 copyright date on the label places it in the 60 plus year old category.  You will notice I didn’t use the word bleach—it was only mentioned incidentally along with numerous other uses, which included removing stains, scorch marks, and mildew.  This quart glass bottle of Clorox also proclaimed that it was Ultra-refined R and could be used as a disinfectant, deodorizer, and germicide.  Above a clothes line filled with laundry, it proudly proclaimed, “The White Line is the Clorox Line.” 

All this was in bold on the front, but that was just the beginning.  On the back, the label continues in earnest, with Clorox being touted as good for cleaning, among other things, basins, bows, bathtubs, bottles, chopping blocks, coffee pots, crockery, cuspidors, and various other items throughout the alphabet. 

But there’s more.  After laundry instructions, the label moves onto pets, poultry and livestock uses, including directions for “…an antiseptic, deodorizing bath” for cats and dogs. Last, but not least, is the list of personal uses, which include:  making drinking water safe, cleaning dental plates, instructions for the use of Clorox to treat insect bites, scratches and burns.  From there it moves on to poison oak, ivy, sumac, ringworm and, of course, athlete’s foot.  The back label even offers help with, ahem, feminine needs.

The more I read, the more I was amazed—all this from a bottle of Clorox.

As ever, it has made me all the more curious.  If any of you want to look at these bottles, and for that matter, any of the other assorted memorabilia that decorates the offices of The Record, feel free to stop by. We love the company.  If you have any old product labels you are willing to share, or any information on Del Monte coffee, I especially would like to hear from you.

Now, if Folger’s will just call…

   Rewire your brain

By LAURA WELBORN

Rewiring your brain takes hard work.

More and more studies are showing that mindfulness and focused breathing techniques show a reduction in anxiety and depression.  Learning to witness and monitor depressed and anxious thoughts can help you manage them and be less prone to push the panic button.

 Mindfulness can actually reduce the activity of the genes that produce inflammation in the body.  Inflammation is how the body deals with pain and stress. When we can't control our reaction to pain or stress we can cause inflammation which affects our health. Mindfulness on areas of loving kindness and compassion for others can redirect and rewire our brains to better health.  

My own experiences of exposure to people who essentially transmit loving kindness and compassion are a personal testimony towards how much better I feel when I see them- it "makes my day."   Some of the things I must remind myself of so I can be that person who gives off loving kindness and compassion are:

"Sometimes you subconsciously dehumanize people you disagree with.  Be careful.  In our self-righteousness, we can easily become the very things we dislike in others.  Ultimately, the way we treat people we disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love and compassion.  Every single person you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.  Know this.  Respect this.  And be extra kind

Your response is always more powerful than your circumstance.  A tiny part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses.  Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt

Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time to change.  That’s just a part of the growth process.  Things will get better.  Be patient.

Patience is not about waiting.  Patience is the ability to keep a positive, focused attitude while working hard to move your life forward.

New, good habits don’t form overnight.  It takes roughly 66 days to form a habit.  So, for the next nine weeks, look at the bright side of your life, and you will rewire your brain.

Old patterns are hard to break.  Be aware.  Act consciously and consistently.  Don’t fall back into your old patterns.  Toxic habits and behaviors always try to sneak back in when you’re doing better.  Stay focused.

Sometimes it’s better to let go without closure.  Actions and behavior speak volumes.  Trust the signs you were given and gracefully press on.

If you always play the victim, you will always be treated like one.  Life isn’t fair.  But you don’t have to let the past define your future.  Try to take life day by day and be grateful for the little things.  Don’t get caught up in what you can’t control."  Marc and Angel Hack life blog inserts.

I miss the breakfast club that met at Woodhaven restaurant- Ted Brown, Gerald Lankford, Jim Swofford, to name a few.  They were my fix on loving kindness and compassion, now I can just hope to run into them and get a hug of kindness.

Laura Welborn, Mediator and Counselor.  [email protected]

      Part II: The Plague of Islamic Ideology—World Stability is at Stake

By EARL COX

Special for The Record

The Iran nuclear deal is once again making news.  Iran's leaders have carefully crafted their plan for worldwide domination in which the nuclear deal fit nicely.  A quick look at the basic tenets of Islam and relatively recent history reveals some interesting information and chilling parrallels with rogue regimes of the past.

Iran’s nuclear and missile programs, militant proxies (Hezbollah and others), and quest for expansion “from Tehran to the sea” through Lebanon, Iraq and Syria threaten not just Israel and America, but the world. Iran’s insidious ideology animates these threats.

Iranian mullahs have devised a peculiar brand of jihadist and sharia-rule—with a twist. Ayatollah Khomeini’s 1970 book Velayat-e Faqih (Governance of the Jurist) endows a Shiite faqih (Islamic scholar) with full political and religious powers, including rule over Shiites worldwide—and ultimately, global dominance. Khomeini conveniently granted himself the title “Imam,” and declared himself a stand-in for the 12th Imam (Mahdi—a messiah figure). His doctrine, now enshrined in the 1989 constitution, sanctions state-sponsored violent jihad, and “mandates global export of the same Islamic Revolution that brought the mullahs to power,” said Lt. Col. James G. Zumwalt, USMC (Ret.) The constitution’s preamble concludes with “the hope this century will witness the establishment of a universal holy government and the downfall of all others,” said security expert Richard Horowitz.

Shiites believe their Supreme Leader has power only until their Mahdi returns, an event that must be “triggered by world chaos,” followed by global Islamic rule, Zumwalt said. In a deviation from traditional Shiism, Iran’s mullahs believe man can be a catalyst of the chaos required for the Mahdi’s return, citing Israel’s destruction as the trigger. Iran’s nuclear program is a means to these ends. 

If history offers any lessons, then the parallels between Iran’s (and radical Islam’s) ideology, and Japanese State Shinto in World War II deserve consideration. The deadly assaults of Japan’s crazed banzai troops and kamikaze suicide pilots—most younger than 24—have significant parallels to radical Islamic “martyrs.” Kamikaze means “divine wind,” referring to a typhoon that wrecked an invading Mongolian fleet—attributed to the gods answering the Japanese emperor’s prayers, according to War History Online. Japan considered its emperor a sacred descendent of the ancient sun goddess Amaterasu–whose red-sun symbol is emblazoned on the Japanese flag. 

“The idea of the sacred imperial line descended from the sun goddess became a political dogma about 500 years ago,” said Ian Buruma, for The New York Times. The fertility cult Shinto was also cast as the national religion, with Amaterasu as its principal female deity, to “enforce unification and national identity.” State Shinto is a “contrived version of Japanese culture … turned into a religious cult for political reasons,” Buruma said. An example was Japan’s notoriously militant propaganda. Striking a similar tone, both Iranian and Palestinian leaders use religion to foment anti-Israel fervor under the banner of the “Al-Aqsa is in danger” campaign.

As Amaterasu’s descendant, the emperor was Shinto’s high priest, giving him “a divine right to rule not only Japan, but the world,” the BBC said. It also became official doctrine that since the Japanese descended from the gods, they were superior to all other races—chillingly familiar concepts in Nazism.

As head of the allied occupation, Gen. Douglas McArthur targeted State Shinto—the militaristic religious ideology that fueled Japanese aggression—but he allowed non-politicized “Shrine Shinto” to stand. According to the BBC, he attempted to deconstruct State Shinto by reforms, which, among others, severed religion and state; and implemented freedom of religion—which is protected by Israel, but rejected in Gaza and The West Bank. He also restructured Japan’s education system, including teaching manuals and textbooks—like calls for similar initiatives in Palestinian schools, which distort history and foment violence against Israel. MacArthur’s directives also rededicated Japanese national life to peace and democracy. 

Without addressing the long-term effectiveness of MacArthur’s reforms, his is an encouraging example of a leader who understood the central role that despotic religious ideology plays in conflict resolution, and who did something about it when given the chance. The Allies’ military superiority doubtless provided the leverage for positive change.

Since the concluding sentence of Iran’s constitution says its theocracy and ideological basis are “unalterable,” leverage and intervention are required. Rescinding and revising the nuclear deal is our best first step. World stability is at stake.