#esp bc genuinely it can like. not just be rly upsetting for that person but also slightly triggering depending on that persons situation

[agayconcept]

hey, i really hope this doesnt come off the wrong way but you need to take a step back and reprioritise your costs. the people in your doctors office are the biggest assholes in the world but you shouldnt be using money on legal fees to go after them if it means you cant afford your rent.

actually, those funds are kept completely seperate, and i'm not intending to use any of it on some stupid lawsuit. i am however going to have to pay legal fees to have a legal representative advocate for me and my rights with this doctors office. because i cannot just up and leave 'the biggest assholes' there just bc it's financially inconvenient. because this office has 4 referrals in progress for me, a disability application in the works, and have all my records - some of which have not been completed/updated yet. and they are deliberately dragging their feet on all of the above.

so if i 'just don't bother' as you're suggesting, i would have to leave and i'd lose all those referrals and have to start completely over with a new office- which the wait list for is over a year. i would also have to completely restart the 3-6 month process for my disability application- which is the main financial reason i struggle with rent costs! because i'm not on disability and need to be! because i keep being discriminated against even outside this drs office.

(on a less important note, i would also have to wait until they finish updating my records before i can even register with another dr bc they wont have any correct/up to date info on them)

hence why i HAVE to continue dealing with/through this office even though i desperately dont want to - which means i have to have advocation, support and legal knowlege- which comes from a legal rep / organization / charity (which only provide free advice, you do still have to pay them to Do Anything). it is NOT something i can do by myself. cool for you (genuinely, no sarcasm intended) if you're able to get your rights respected or have the privilege to simply say fuck it and walk away- i do not. many people do not.

i think you may have misunderstood my intentions and reality here - this is not a situation where the abuse has happened, its over and im out, and therefore it is not worth legal hassle after the fact. this is an Ongoing Situation where i am TRAPPED dealing with this until i can get what i need (records, referrals, disability application) that is legally owed to me and is my right, but is instead being witheld.

so your suggestion, going with that, would be to either abandon or put off any and all healthcare progress (and my human rights, nbd) to instead pay my rent....which is something that, worst case scenario, i cannot be evicted for immediately. there is a grace period, its in the lease. they have to give us x amount of time, or offer us the option to split the payment. they only have to provide/allow that one time, but i havent used it yet so this could be that one time if i have to. (hence my notes earlier mentioning that the new building management seeming nice so hopefully they wouldn't be fussy abt it and would give us some time - bc as ppl on the internet often forget: my mother pays half the rent. i am not totally on my own here on that at least.)

look, i get that you may have had good intentions, but don't come into a situation you don't know the details and nuances of, and tell someone what to do with their money- especially when they're using it to protect their basic human rights. i didnt ask for anyone's financial or legal advice - so idk why you felt it was wanted, needed, or necessary.

like. you dont know the whole situation, i have (obvi) not shared all the details w strangers on the internet. you cant play financial advisor to a random person whose life you don't understand. idk why ppl think they can/should, rly.

anyway, genuinely for anyone on here: if it bothers you that much that my financial situation is incredibly complicated & messy due to a myriad of reasons, and that my scraping / surviving by might not be in the exact same personal fashion you would choose yourself?

you can ignore it or unfollow me, thats all good n cool.

if that wasnt your intention, and it just came across that way, then apologies for being short, and i hope the above explanation clears up the reasoning as to why i do, in fact, need to do certain things that i'm doing.

(for future reference: anons like these will be blocked. the only reason this one wasnt was because i knew it could have been a misunderstanding. but if it isnt, and anyone decides to send stuff like this, welp, its time for my best friend the block button to come hang out)

#say it with me kids #Strangers On The Internet Do Not Want Or Need Your Advice #unless they ask for it? dont come at someone for something u dont understand fully #esp bc genuinely it can like. not just be rly upsetting for that person but also slightly triggering depending on that persons situation #and current mental state #like bud i just got out of being forcibly hospitalized against my will & told i dont know whats good for me #only to leave and go to a drs appt where im told im cr*zy for wanting my treatment and dont know whats good for me #then go thru tons of legal advice phone calls being told BECAUSE I ASKED what actually would be good for me (a representative) #only to come on the internet to have a fun time and woop. there it is. #some anon decides they must. they simply Must. tell me that i dont know what tf is good for me #u know what bud?? thats Bad for my brain. rly bad. i sound mocking when i type 'thats triggering for me' but i am...not. im being serious. #leave ppl alone honestly #i come on tumblr to avoid stuff like this on twitter etc #just. like rly & genuinely? can everyone mind their own business & stop giving unsolicited (& often out of touch) advice. like in general. #just as a rule of thumb for life. not just the internet. #transphobia tw #tw hospitalization #ask to tag

[possibilistfanfiction]

This might be an out of left field question and I hope it’s not rude. I have this friend who uses they/them pronouns. And I’ve been thinking lately whether or not it’s okay that I say guy and dude. In the context of if I’m hanging out with my friend and they are with a group of people I’ll be like “hey guys…” in greeting or addressing the whole group. guys in the plural sense of multiple people of multiple genders/identities. And with dude is always as an exclamation like “holy shit, dude, guess what”. But I know obviously both guy and dude are historically masculine terms. I’ve tried to stop saying hey guys but sometimes it slips out, I’ve used it my whole life. Is it bad to say that? Like do you think it’s offensive? Idk I know I should probably ask my friend but I don’t want to upset them in case it is a sensitive topic and it’s easier to ask a stranger online lol

as far as it goes personally w your friend, i would just ask if it’s ok to bring up ur question, & then if u get the go-ahead, you can definitely ask

in general i think all of this language policing by mostly neoliberal ppl is Beyond stupid. if a single person in my life doesn’t like a “gendered” term, then that’s fine, it’s easy to respect that. but overall words are what we make of them w the people we know; language is a social contract & it is always already about intent. sometimes our intent is fucked, sometimes our impact isn’t what we intended, ofc as with all things. but i guarantee ur friends don’t think if you say ‘dude’ or ‘guys’ that you’re screaming like I SEE YOU AS A CIS MAN. i promise they don’t unless ur a supremely shitty person, which i can tell ur not! to me cis men in positions of power saying ‘ladies’ (esp in sports) is weird & gross but like… there’s a difference there bc that IS saying ‘i see you all as a v particular kind of Cis Woman).

in my own world, i say dude sometimes to my wife, has nothing to do w me respecting her gender as a cis woman or not. i know she doesn’t care at all. i say girlies all the time bc to me pop girlie is a very important identity shared w friends, this covers a Span of genders & also my dog.

i also think it’s weird (not you specifically at all, just ppl are so prone to this) to think that ppl who use they/them pronouns hate all gendered terms. i can’t fucking stand pronouns, i think they’re so limited, so for me other terms i like are much more important in how i vibe in the world, how i see myself & what my lived experience has shaped & will continue to shape. i’m an eldest daughter (iykyk the ~trauma~ lol), i’m a sister, i’m a wife & a mom. i’m a dyke & somewhere in the soft butch realm. i genuinely don’t feel limited by those, & i also don’t like the term non-binary for myself, & i don’t align w being trans bc i rly don’t feel trans myself. i feel vaguely not-cis in that i want gender affirming care & im not a Cis Woman, but i’m also not-Not a woman.

so i would say like. imo saying ‘guys’ is rly mostly fine in general conversation. if ur worried abt being respectful to ur friend, u can ask if any of those “gendered” terms bother them, but otherwise i think language policing is just a weird neoliberal way of putting things into boxes to uphold the state 💁 there are far more serious & important things we can be doing to support our gender expansive buddies than deeply worrying about ‘dude’ overall, yknow?

#one day i should make a tag for how limiting i think all of this is discourse #but like. what would it be #🤪🤪🤪 gender

[broodsys]

ive been thinking about this a lot lately and kinda just wanna say it somewhere.

that said, feel free to just scroll on by bc this is heavy. also super long? i just- needed to get it off my chest, kinda.

cw: sexual assault, alcohol and drug use

so, in highschool there were these two guys who were in my friend group but i wasn't rly friends with, we'll just say L and N. L had an obvious crush on me and kept trying to get me to date him even tho i had a boyfriend and he knew my boyfriend - once i ended up going on a date with him bc my autistic ass thought he was just trying to hang out, lmao. anyway, it was awkward, esp once my friends told me uhhh no that was a date? u just described a date.

N was a lot more chill but also kinda... he was nice and all, genuinely nice, but he was also one of those no no i'm not sexist i'm an equal-opportunity hater haha! guys. so i wasn't rly close with either of them

but when i went to college they were the only two ppl i already knew and i was rly overwhelmed about being all alone on campus at first, so i ended up spending quite a bit more time with both of them, in and out of school. and it was fun when it was the three of us! they were amusingly raunchy and we talked a lot about related subjects and went on walks together and idk, it was nice. this was before i realized i was trans but i think it fulfilled a Just One Of The Guys need i had at that time

got p close with both of them, esp L. ended up at his house by myself quite frequently. and, well, we drank - this being before i realized i had a unrelated liver disease. and by this point i was out as trans and my family was AWFUL about using the right pronouns and i had no in-person connections who used the right pronouns and i was... p desperate for validation. while also using both alcohol and weed quite heavily to cope

so, yknow... hang out with someone who calls me 'he', talk about gender shit, sigh and go along with the eight million dumb YT videos he wanted to show me, but whatever, i got free liquor and it was smth to do, right? i was even able to lean into being a system around him! that was super validating.

so, surprise surprise, we ended up becoming kinda fuckbuddies. and i was okay with that - p open that i wasn't interested in a relationship but like, sure, we can fuck around. so we did. usually drunk. usually quite drunk. but that was okay because there was still consent going on

but i had one very clear, very explicit boundary. and once he started to cross it - i called him out on it and he pushed back and i had to tell him to stop several times. it wasn't like... aggressive? just very, very coercive. took me a long time to accept that it was still a form of rape. hell, i still struggle to type that out, i want to add caveats to it. but it just was. and that was the big change for me, when i realized he wasn't actually going to respect my boundaries. still hung out with him for a while after that and we had sex a few more times while i was processing my feelings about everything and trying to accept that he was in the wrong and i had a right to be upset

but after that, i just started feeling rly shitty on the walk home whenever i left him. there were subspace/subdrop issues at play, too, which was another brand-new discovery for me, and no aftercare ever, but it was... yeah. it was bad.

still, took me a while to break off the relationship. i was actually at a conference for a school thing when i did it, because being around ppl who saw me as a man, who respected me, who treated me kindly... it totally changed how i saw interpersonal dynamics. like, that whole experience was a MASSIVE wake-up call for me. so that was when i cut him out of my life

now, oddly, this story isn't about L. it's about N.

afaik, N had no idea about any of this. but a while ago, idk probably over a year now, he sent me a nice text mentioning that he didn't know why we'd fallen out of touch. and i usually delete texts after a while but i still have that one. sometimes i want to reply - not telling him the details, just like 'yeah so me and L had smth weird and i didn't want to put u in a position where u had to choose' but also just- memories, yknow? i associate them together very strongly bc the three of us spent sm time together

but i still feel kinda bad. kinda miss N. i saw him become a better person while i saw L kinda become a worse person. i just feel... idk. torn? ultimately i gotta take care of me because no one else can, but i think about him quite often, and about that text i've never replied to. and i also spent time with N alone, and it was just chill. he never tried to fuck me. when i slept over he let me have his bed and made sure there were fresh sheets and everything. he watched me play videogames at his house and let me spend forever on character customization and made sure i had vegetarian food to eat. he was nice, without any strings attached. and we talked about, shit, everything. once we walked for hours and hours - p much the entire night - just talking. he rly opened up to me a lot, and i opened up to him - not about everything and not about anything with L, but about a lot of other stuff. it was an important friendship.

and i just... i regret losing that a lot. i've been thinking about both of them a lot recently. part of it is just coming head to head with things i was using weed to repress now that i've been sober for a while, granted. bc i've been thinking about a lot of things in my past recently.

relationships are messy. but i regret that a good friendship got stained by a bad one.

[piplupod]

its cool having ppl interact w me on here but also i am fucking terrified to say like. anything anymore on here which rly hurts bc i do not have any other spaces (except w friends but even then. i dont feel like i can say a lot bc i dont want to be annoying) where i can just talk. esp when im trying to ask questions about things.

but ever since i passed x amount of followers on here i have been receiving more shitty ppl in my inbox or notes and i am just tired of it. like when i actually get a shitty anon i dont care v much (my nervous system cares fsdfjkl but i am not actually upset about it) but just the leadup and fearful anticipation sucks shit and im tired of it. idk what to do lol

also am i asking questions in a bad way? should i stop leaving questions in tags of other ppls posts? just put my questions on my own posts maybe? i usually do that if i deem my question inappropriate for the other persons post but perhaps i am bad at judging that. i am worried that im coming across badly. or that i just should not be asking questions in general fhsdfjkl, idk how to make this sound not like a boomer but i AM genuinely asking bc i am concerned i am doing smth wrong

#pippen needs 2nd breakfast #terrified to post this. i've written this post like four times now trying to make it short as possible w as little self loathing as possibl #im just. unwell perhaps and should not interact w ppl until i am less like this. but then thats isolating myself?? #also idk how to not be like this fjdskl i am struggling #shit now im doing it in the tags. sorry okay i will just post this with a kiss and a prayer #maybe i need to just be a funny guy instead of a mentally ill guy on here again. hm.

[angeltrapz]

oosdkk dude im sorry ur mood dropped too.. i hope u feel better soon <3 but like i wld love 2 hear more abt ur thoughts on Art in general bc Boy Is He Interesting, and also a lil more abt Daniel coming out as nonbinary to his dad (whether he knows Eric is trans or not at that moment skjdfhdskf)! + if ur feelin it just more abt Mallick in general ESP cuz we agree that Brit doesn't make it thru V

djhfjdks thank u sm <3

okay Art first. I genuinely wonder abt him so much, something in specific I think abt is that aside frm Amanda (+ Eric, obviously, but talkin abt disciples) Art is one of the only trap victims EVER 2 be tested twice and it’s like... what’s that abt? Why? as u’ve said b4 it rly depends on how you personally view his character: whether he’s a disciple or not. fr me, both options are equally plausible, n honestly I don’t rly confine myself to either; it sorta depends on what I’m feeling/writing. if we’re talking abt art being a disciple, then the Spinecutter not going off (one of my BIGGEST questions) makes total sense, as Hoffman’s side of the trap was never set up to work either, + Jigsaw disciples have a history (aside from Lawrence) of appearing as victims in other tests/traps. if he were not just another pawn and was in fact a disciple himself, then the Spinecutter was never meant to go off - it was there just to make Eric think it COULD go off/make it look convincing to outsiders. which brings me to ANOTHER question: what does Art know abt Eric? does he know anything? what does he think of Eric?

(lil side note: if Art is a disciple, then I kinda wonder if it’s a lil bit of a Hoffman + Lawrence situation where Hoffman didn’t know abt Art either? just bc he looks so shocked when he sees Art’s face fully fr the first time... that could’ve just been acting on Hoffman’s part but IDK. food fr thought)

personally, I feel like Art probably does know a lil bit abt Eric - at the very least, he’d know tht Eric had been previously tested + failed by John’s rules, but then I feel that he wld also know Eric didn’t rly have a chance in his second test. that is why Art trying so fucking hard to keep Eric alive is interesting 2 me: what is his motivation 2 do that? like he’s been told Eric’s basically just there to get Rigg to participate, he doesn’t have any personal obligation or anything like that. sure, the aim is to keep Eric alive + see if Rigg can pass his “test,” but nobody said anything about grabbing a man you barely know around his ankles to keep him frm hanging himself w a noose made of chains. nobody said anything abt speaking to him so softly, not even raising your voice beyond saying “hey,” and asking him do you understand? when you tell him to keep still and prevent him frm killing his counterpart (which, if Art is a disciple, he knows it won’t, but he still speaks to Eric so softly, so compassionately, doesn’t he?)

nobody said anything abt grabbing him around the waist and steadying him again after being punched by said man. but Art does that. he stabilizes Eric’s feet on the ice as best he can and he keeps his hips straight and he basically says “look, we’re all stuck here, you need to keep it together ‘til that clock counts down if you want us to live, but I’m giving you a choice,” and he presses the gun w the single bullet into Eric’s hands and tells him it’s up to him. nobody said Art had to care but he does, I think, and it’s just like. he really didn’t have to keep Eric alive over the course of Rigg’s test. he didn’t. but he did and I just,, where does it come from? why does he care? this is even going beyond the fact that we’ve talked abt them being together after their test in a scenario where they both survive - I just think that Art at his core is a very stubborn but very compassionate person, whether he wants 2 be or not. like he HAS to know that kind of involvement cld prove to be extremely detrimental but he cares. I feel like that says a lot abt him (even if he does call Eric an asshole a couple times while doing it,,).

plus I also just. I think his reason for being tested (as it seems to be in most cases) is extremely flimsy. he was doing his job. he’s a LAWYER. often times it has nothing 2 do w personal feelings; they’re there to do their job and sometimes, unfortunately, that is defending possibly reprehensible people (in cases like Rex’s & Ivan’s). + John was already upset w him regarding their argument abt the urban renewal group so like it just feels So Very Petty, y’know?? even in the scenario where he IS a disciple, testing him twice seems entirely like John having a personal vendetta against him. Amanda is the only other person to be tested twice aside from Eric, so like. what. is that abt Mr. Kramer.

like I’ve said b4 in dms one could argue that Art is grey morally, bc we never rly see anything of him outside of flashbacks + acting as a test controller in IV, esp given that he... rly doesn’t seem too bothered abt it all? which is fair. but I also feel like the concern he shows towards Eric is smth to be considered as well.

-

+ YESS NONBINARY DANIEL I know I’ve mentioned it b4 but for reference, I read Daniel as masc nonbinary (he/they)! so I feel like Daniel wld b pretty comfortable w his identity, he’s never rly had a reason not to be (it’s rly anyone’s guess here tho bc we never see Eric + Daniel + Kate... as a family unit, for obvious reasons), so I feel like he’s vry chill abt it? and in the scenario where Eric survives n is dating Adam, I feel like Daniel wld talk 2 him abt it first (Adam is an adult they quickly come to trust + he’s vocal abt being trans himself so there’s that added layer of understanding - other than his mom maybe Adam might b the first person they come out 2). they’re just kinda like “so I wanna tell my dad I’m nonbinary but like I’ve literally never thought abt coming out what do I do” and Adam’s just like. Aha. bc he knows Eric is Also Trans so like, he doesn’t tell Daniel that bc it’s not his info to share, but he’s definitely like “oh it’ll totally be fine. trust me you have no reason to worry” so Daniel’s just like Okay. I Got This

+ I know I mentioned this in dms but Daniel wld absolutely wear those floral ripped hem skirts over jeans, so I feel like on one of his visits to his dad’s, he just. wears that combined w a completely random niche graphic tee he bought when shopping w Adam (I adore this hc n I am Holding Onto It) n is just like. not super open abt it bc he doesn’t know what to expect? he just kinda waits fr Eric to comment on it but when he doesn’t, Daniel gets nervous n is like “do I look okay?” and Eric’s rly chill abt it, like “yeah! it looks vry cool, vry alternative.” n like Daniel is relieved, of course, but also he’s just like God Pls Say Something so he just comes out w it like “okay this is not working. I’m nonbinary.”

and he’s COMPLETELY SHOCKED when Eric is just like “oh why didn’t u say so? do u have a different name u wanna go by? is Daniel still okay?” bc he wasn’t sure how much Eric knew, so he’s just like “uh no Daniel is still good, he/they pronouns though” and Eric’s just like alright cool but internally Daniel’s just like ??????

n THAT is when Eric asks him 2 come sit out on th front steps w him n is just like. “I don’t think I ever told u this but I’m trans. I transitioned during training in my early 20s” n Daniel is nodding while internally he’s like Adam I’m gonna throttle u. he worked himself up fr NOTHING. he just kinda laughs abt it and Eric is like “are u good?” ‘cause he’s a lil worried but then Daniel just smiles and is like “yeah I’m fine! just realizing I had nothing 2 be worried abt” and it’s a rly good moment fr them. they sit out there together talking abt their experiences for quite a while n at some point Adam steps outside 2 find them deep in conversation + he just smiles n goes back inside bc he cares abt them both so much and seeing them talk like that makes him so 💞💞 (Eric is SO PROUD u can see it on his face)

-

ohhh gosh Mallick,,, I spend a lot of time thinking abt him actually. he’s just one of those characters I feel vry connected to (me 🤝 Mallick: Ambiguous Disorder 💕) n one I got surprisingly attached to? hello (he IS one of my f/os)

I feel like Mallick is a very lonely person at his core. the way he sort of clings to Brit (w out the whole like. adrenaline of being in very very real danger w ppl trying to kill u SEVERAL TIMES) somewhat confirms this fr me. this is someone who has no reason to look out fr him, no reason to keep protecting him when their fellow captives hit him over th head w a club or attempt to push him into a bathtub to ELECTROCUTE him, but she keeps doing it and he’s just. in awe of it a little bit? ‘cause she could just let Charles knock him tf out or let Luba push him in but she fights for him, some1 she has no obligation to n met fr the first time literally when they woke up.

the moment they share b4 they stick their arms into the saws to activate the 10 Pints of Sacrifice is so very vulnerable and maybe even a little tender. yes he calls her a monster, yes she calls him one back, neither of them deny it. it’s an admission and an acceptance. they’re monsters, sure, fine, okay. but they are monsters and they are in this together. Brit tells Mallick it’s okay when he says he can’t do this alone. she says okay, okay, it’s okay, we’ll go together. and they help each other secure their tourniquets and they stick their hands in together bc it’s the two of them, literally hand in hand, fighting for their lives n for each other n they’re in so so much pain but they are doing it TOGETHER. I lose it thinking abt it!!! they even have a head bonk moment!!! I very much feel like it has some cinematic parallels to Adam & Lawrence’s moment in SAW 2004!!!!

+ as u mentioned, we both share the thought that Brit likely died since she wasn’t present at Bobby’s meetings, and. I want to touch on how fucking despondent and lost Mallick looks when we see him again in 3D. lights on but no one’s home. I feel like for Mallick, losing Brit was losing the first chance at a real connection he’s had in god knows how long - and for him, that’s just very shattering. he’s been thru hell, he’s watched three people die right in front of him, he sawed his ARM IN HALF, n the person he went through all of that with didn’t make it. but he did. and I feel like for Mallick that’s just like... he doesn’t understand it. but he feels even lonelier than he ever has b4 because the One Person who was there w him thru it all, the one person who could ever possibly understand what happened that night, is gone.

the Mallick we see in V would NEVER sit down n willingly listen to Bobby Dagen’s bullshit abt loving yr scars n taking pride in the fact u survived. he wld hate that man with a passion n I am very much sure of this. the fact that he’s sitting in that chair looking numb and glassy-eyed and silent? Mallick is trying to find some1 to connect to, find a place where maybe he belongs. trying to fill that hole that losing Brit made. why else wld he be sitting there, listening to someone he would ordinarily tell to shove his self-love bullshit up his ass? he’s lost. he’s just trying to keep his head above water and find a way to shore even though everything in him is fighting not to. he’s adrift without her.

+ ALTERNATIVELY, bc the reality of that is just. crushing n maybe not where I needed 2 go, in the scenario where Brit survived + just doesn’t want to put up w Bobby’s bullshit, I imagine them to actually move in together after a lil bit of time getting 2 know each other better w out the pressure of “oh god we’re gonna die.” she kinda helps him build up a sense of self-worth bc GOD it’s practically non-existent n thinking abt possible reasons why makes me sad. she’s definitely just like “no, you do deserve to be cared for and you deserve help when you need it, you deserve good things n to be happy.” she just kinds shuts it down while still making sure to talk 2 him abt WHY he feels that way (she’s not dismissing, but she’s trying to nip it in th bud) n Mallick is just like. huh. bc no one’s really done that fr him before. but it rly does end up helping in the long run, even if it is a very slow pace toward actually getting 2 a place where he recognizes his own worth + realizes he deserves all the things he wants Brit 2 have too. they’re there for each other thru thick n thin and if they made it thru their game, they can make it thru anything.

#saw #art #daniel #eric #adam #mallick #brit #thank u so much I rly appreciated this #n it helped me get my mind off things a little #I'm rly glad my ask helped u too!!! mutual support hours #long post #thoughts separated by dashes bc I had Way More than I thought I did oops #asks

[yijae]

hello!!! i’m chey and before i introduce you all to my boy yijae, i would first like to let it be known that the only form of animal crossing i have ever played is pocket camp </3 but i watch the hell out of island tours on yt so i was so excited to see this rp in the tags! you can find yijae’s profile here and his plots here and.... a mess under the cut but i’ll call it an intro

first of all:  no, his name is not actually yijae. it’s a play on his name because another romanization of the surname lee is yi, so it’s his surname + the second syllable of his given name. might refer to him as this in threads, might not, but it’s his main nickname that his friends prob use with him! he likes it a lot.

the youngest of three. was really young when he lost his parents, doesn’t have any solid memories of them so he kind of views his siblings as half-siblings, half-parents.

endured a lot of people telling him that he was lucky to have siblings to look after him and needed to behave well, show appreciation, not give them a hard time. most people who said that meant well, but it bothered him a lot bc that’s like telling a kid they can’t get upset Ever because they’re lucky someone is raising them.

anyway it resulted in him being an ass-kisser as a kid, didn’t want to give anyone (esp his siblings) a reason to view him as a nuisance / pest

developed really, really good people skills bc he was constantly looking for ways to make himself useful / valuable in some way, felt like he had to prove his worth. genuinely very social, likes people a lot so it’s whatever, really. he probably would’ve ended up developing good people skills regardless

he does have a rly bad temper tho...... beware

also has anxiety and a lot of his symptoms are the lesser understood ones (w/ the main one being irritability/anger), so mix that with his naturally short temper and he do b causing scenes and hurting feelings sometimes

literally always seen carrying some kind of bottle w/ water in it because once he starts getting overwhelmed, he starts getting Hot and it’s just.... handy to have water at his disposal whenever he needs it yk

most of the time, he’s pretty well-put together and very very smiley!!! considered the face of able siblings’ clothing shop bc he greets each and every customer with a smile. always available to answer questions, give recommendations, relay messages to his siblings or just chat! not really all that skilled when it comes to sewing or any other skills directly related to clothes (which is partially why customer service is his main duty) but if u’re in a rush, he’ll try really hard

pretty much the only thing that can make him lose his cool w/ customers is if you come in and start talkin shit about any of the items

values the store a lot, but also kind of feels like he carries more than his fair share of the weight. definitely not true LMAO but that belief makes him get annoyed w/ his siblings sometimes

if you ever come into the store at the wrong moment and find him throwing a fit / fighting with his sibling, no you didn’t <3

keeps a sketchbook full of clothing ideas. ofc he’ll never make any of ‘em because he’s not quite that crafty, but he shares them with his siblings / with other store employees to see if they’re up to the challenge. collects lots of different fashion magazines to keep up with trends or just to look at bc he thinks fashion’s neat

if he’s not @ the store, he’s probably riding his bike around either one of the islands. enjoys bike rides a ton, likes to feel the wind in his hair and nonchalantly see what’s going on outside of the shop (aka he’s nosy)

fun, but also kind of flaky??? like he’s the guy who will Definitely go to that party with you on short notice but will also call out of plans you made with him 6 months ago

sometimes he goes mia for a couple days, always has some really dumb explanation like “i was hunting for crabs and i lost track of time” or “i was attending a 4-day clown seminar” or “i was camping with my boy, bigfoot” but really he’s just been laying in his bed and trying to re-energize. it b that way sometimes

speaking of crabs... he likes them a lot! thinks they’re groovy lil’ things. ticket into his heart? crab-hunting with him!!!! he doesn’t disturb them too much, he just likes to dig them out of the sand and look at them for a minute, then let them go. he thinks they’re super funny-looking so sometimes he just... laughs his ass off as they scuttle away. some people who have witnessed this have nicknamed him The Crab Bully, but he doesn’t have any bad intentions. it’s just entertaining for him

wears glasses most of the time bc his sight is terrible. could wear contacts, yeah, but he has chronically dry eyes and artificial tears only go So Far! aka it’s more comfy to wear glasses even if they make his face look even rounder than it already is

has a slight lisp. very very slight. mainly when he has to pronounce s/th or l/r... skz stans you know what i’m talking about

fucks with his hair a lot. kind of a comfort thing, kind of a fashion thing. it’s dark blue atm, but it changes pretty frequently. he does it himself, too, so you already know his hair is fried to HELLLLLL

really social, but also might ghost you for three weeks and then resume the convo as if he never left. knows he looks like the pleading emoji (god knows he’s been told enough times) so he uses his cuteness to his advantage when he knows he’s been actin like a dirtbag. also might send funny animal vids to ease his way back into ur life

when i say he’s really social, i mean he’s really social. will talk to anyone and everyone. make eye contact with him for half a second On Accident and oh, no, here he goes. very interested in other people, wants to know everything you’re willing to share. depending on the person, this can either be really comforting or really overwhelming. u think u want him to shut up but then he shuts up and it’s like damn..... why isn’t yijae talking. that’s weird

idk... i feel like i’m leaving out some really important info but this is all i’ve got for now. feel free to ask me if there’s anything else you wanna know about him!

#would you believe me if i told you that this short compared to my usual intros

[billdenbrough]

i would just like to say!! i am bad at communication at times, due to a mix of the effects of trauma and anxiety but also, like, my general messiness as a person doesn’t exactly help the situation (i actually used to be, like, rly communicative. like a rly fast responder. can u imagine), but. i rly want to make it clear that my reply speed doesn’t reflect my care. which like, is objectively easy to say, so i do truly understand if it seems like a sidestep or whatever, but it rly is true. like my head !!! is a Space™, even when i’m not Going Thru It (which i have been the past week and a bit, as a few of you are aware), and i just. GOD. i just really fucking appreciate the care and compassion some of y’all show. like. there are some messages (asks, generally, and usually anon but sometimes non-anon ones that just require a level of focus i’m not able to give for the moment) that i deliberately take a step back from as a way of looking after myself, but most of the time, i want to reply and am just like. in my own way about it. and i get upset w myself a lot for not replying properly/at a speed that reflects my care to messages i genuinely really want to respond to, so it’s just. some of you have been very incredibly fucking compassionate and understanding and insightful esp in the last week when i’ve been contending with a bit more of it than usual (but also some of you have been like this for weeks and i just!! cannot fucking thank you enough for the patience you show me, bc it just means the world to me), and it like. really fucking hits me in the chest. like, people i care about showing me that care is both helpful for trying to tell myself to give myself that care but also like. just makes me rly fucking giddy!! 

anyway this is a lot but i just. am really so grateful for all my friends on here and also just everyone who’s shown care (to me, but also my friends) recently especially

#midnight hours has me feeling warm #i just got!!!! overwhelmed in a good way from the last few days #which is such a nice change from the few days before that #like i've had some really fucking valuable and cherished conversations #and then the tag meme and the ask meme have like. led to me seeing some overwhelmingly lovely things #that have me genuinely tearing up in a rly good way like it's overwhelming and doesn't feel deserved but it's bc it's so WARM #beep beep jane #i just feel like i've experienced some really shitty parts of the online experience and sphere this week #but also some really fucking amazing ones #and those mean the fucking world to me #also if i say i will reply to something. i promise i will. sometimes i estimate wrong and it takes me longer #and sometimes i start new convos up on different platforms (or via ask instead of im) #but that's just bc i intend to reply to the original stuff but rly want to talk to you and have to find a new avenue #so i dont forget to reply to the other stuff. but like. i totally TOTALLY understand doubting this. like truly #but i swear i will reply to everyone im actively engaging with eventually. some messages are just harder than others for like #no particular reason. just what my head builds up

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

#ballet an hobbies and thoughts and lots of things. #honestly noneed to read

[babiewonho]

can u write an essay on kihyun now please don't just saw beat root thanks QUEEN uwu

kihyun’s personality is so funny and contradictory to me lmao like he has such a big personality and um wow i just got distracted bc i put on drew barrymore by sza and it was playing at half speed bc i just played the COME GET YALL JUICE vine at half speed but anyways

first and foremost i think kihyun is very Capable like kihyun is like. so good at being an adult like he just knows how to do everything it’s so weird it’s like he was born just Knowin. like he’s just so confident and he’s good at speaking most of the time and like he said he would go to vocal lessons while working two jobs that weren’t even close to each other like he’d have to take the train and he’s so determined even going to school like he’s been doing while promoting as an idol like he just has a really type a personality and he wants to be good at everything and he has the drive to achieve that as much as any human can it’s very respectable and imo a very attractive quality like i feel like if i asked him how to do anything he’d know for some reason

he’s very charming and he knows it and sometimes it’s greasy LMAO like when they had to do the pick up lines in that video and mx were dying in the bg but it’s very effective i think that’s really good for networking etc and he’s so friendly to other ppl he acts like he already knows them but he isn’t like…overstepping boundaries which is imo the way to become friends with someone wh said one time that to get close with ppl you just have to act close i think and that’s what kihyun does he seems very sociable and friendly and easy to talk to like he makes an effort to keep the conversation going and get on the speaker’s level/help them understand the topic 

tying in with him being rly capable he’s so good at cleaning n cooking like why is he so damn responsible lmao share some of those skills w/ me…wtf…but like wow that’s rly a whole adult i bet he even does his taxes on time but he takes his work so seriously and like he’s not even a dancer but he puts so much focus n energy into dance and it shows he’s so impressive…i…i hate it

so! i think what makes ppl misunderstand kihyun is he has this weird like…sharp outside/soft inside thing going on…coughs tsundere   but by that i mean  he’s not Genuinely mean   but he plays along well with others esp 93 line they have a very cozy n roasty dynamic going on and he’s quick to tease others in a friendly way unfortunately ppl take that as ONE personality archetype the “savage” just like shakespeare invented and that ONE personality trait supercedes ALL OTHERS n suddenly kihyun hates everyone like false…hello he’s just bein a scorpio (he’s born n like the First day of saggitarius but he himself has said he’s a scorpio n the time he was born rly indicates that so im just going with scorpio these   are the Facts) he ALSO…isn’t very comfortable with “mushy” stuff he’s fine giving compliments but when they get into genuine emotional things it’s not that he gets weirded out  it’s more like   it’s okay until He has to get mushy abt his own feelings at least from what i noticed

i was actually surprised bc kihyun is somewhat easily embarrassed and i didn’t expect him to be so nurturing on an emotional level like hugging changkyun when he cried, he sympathy cries w/ wonho lmao, comforting wonho when he cried during that one v live. i thought he’d be more of a supportive but awkward type in that situation but he actually empathizes really well. that’s why i think kihyun’s personality is so like  contrary there’s all these traits that seem to be the opposite of each other but melt together just fine in his personality

but he actually has a very nourishing presence he just seems to have like a different rule for himself and he doesn’t like to get all deep or w/e that’s so scorpio of him…it embarrasses him lol he doesn’t like emotional vulnerability if he thinks it opens him up in a negative way but here he goes again with the contradictions- he’s emotionally open with children and pets. he’s amazing with children and animals n feels a lot of love n affection towards them as well as the members but honestly i’ve practically raised my little brother from infancy to like four years old and i have very high standards for child care but kihyun takes such pride in his work as always n he luvs the Babies so he is very mm meticulous abt it. i got stressed when the kid’s heads weren’t supports while getting sleepy in their chairs n then the moment i got stressed kihyun’s hand wld fly out to support their heads and he held them and esp the sick babie :(( even when he cried kihyun didn’t get panicked as many ppl too and hand him off to one of the more experienced ladies he comforted the babie n held it n also

during mxray season 2 when they met the kids again he got all worried abt i cant remember which kid it was…jongwon! i think he was worried shownu wld hurt him by accident in the bounce house thingie lmao which i was worried abt too so he was like be gentler and my heart…she soared he rly cares abt them :(( in a very genuine way n also! at the batting cages v live there were kitties and he, wonho, and ck were worried abt them getting hurt. he’s just a very caring n loving person and he does engage in a lot of skinship like they said on the psychology analysis part of mxray but i think rather than physical affection he shows love through actions like waking the members up and finding stuff for wonho etc ordering the other members around n leading them in the right direction he definitely has a BIG leadership quality n a desire to be in control but he doesn’t let himself like usurp shownu’s position lmao he just relishes the times when he gets power

i always say it’s more like shownu, minhyuk, and kihyun are three coleaders and i think they all compliment each other extremely well and kihyun is a rly good mc esp in things like mon happy radio he and minhyuk are rly entertaining and work together really well which is rly cool

he rly rly loves the members in a very fond way they make him smile a lot and what i think is so funny is i think kihyun originally has more of a tendency in situations like that there’s something historically in comedy called a “straight man” (i know) where someone else acts like an idiot and this person basically doesnt find it amusing n acts serious or upset kasjfsf and i thought kihyun wld be like that but i think mx just has such a goofy energy and kihyun often engages in the goofiness but that seems to me like something that probably changed when he met the boys i can’t seem him being like that arnd other ppl but i think he’s very fond of their dynamic and embraces it now like he laughs in this Specific way when the members all get Ridiculous like he’s in fond disbelief like when they kept singing the UFC song!!! in no exit like he’s lovingly saying “these idiots” in his head it’s really cute tbh he’s just very often Fondly Exasperated like when mh ate the whipped cream at the end of that one vid/when ck ate food of the plates from other ppl in mxray you can just tell he has so much love for his members 

as for his relationship with 93 line that’s just pure love n friendship to the point of comfortably making fun of each other n i really hate when ppl act like it’s genuine hatred bc you can’t make jokes like that with people if you genuinely dislike them they’re just all three very comfortable with and fond of each others and build off each other very well comedically and the teams switch up as to who is making fun of who and like?? if they rly hated each other things like mon happy radio with mh and kh and the times when mh was absent and hw was the replacement would be possible. they get along fine for that and it’s like an HOUR long of just them together and they make jokes and they compliment each other like anyone with more than 2 brain cells knows they don’t actually hate each other but :) had 2 say that

CAPABILITY ASIDE kihyun has these moments of hilarious like…airheadedness   as demonstrated in aleena’s amazing gifset of kihyun being dumb. he’s so smart but he just lapses on the most ridiculous things aksjfasf it’s so funny  kihyun, staring at a seatbelt: does this go around my neck   is this the Neck Belt  Oh..  just youthful naivete which the other members bring up sometimes n his face when they got their first win :(( cld it be…kihyun is a soft babie!! it Cld !! :D

also vocal wise i’m not a Professional or anything but he’s rly one of the best vocals in kpop like breath support and not singing with strained notes and vocal agility he’s just so good he and shownu are actually different imo than a lot of kpop vocals who just sing n half of it’s like  rhythmic yelling lmao like he and shownu can both sing BALLADS well and with CONTROL they’re so incredible and kihyun has a pretty wide range imo it’s very healthy singing with lots of support 

anyways i wrote WAY more than i thought i was gonna be able to abt him there’s deadass like 1.7k words right here lmao like yall readin this? eyes emoji anyways i hope this makes some sense it’s 4 am…anyways i think kihyun’s personality is fascinating and i feel like i have quite a few personality traits in common with him but also i wanna arm wrestle him so damn bad im not even reading back through this and checking it’s too much LMAO

#asks #analysis

[wannasoftimagine]

park jihoon as your older friend

(( AS REQUESTED! // jihoon scenario where you're 2 years younger than him so you think he only sees you as a little sister but he confesses to you when he thinks you're gonna date someone else bc he's scared of losing you??? this is lowkey rly specific but THANK YOU!!! ))

ure used to hearing ppl talk abt how young jihoon is, and how hes so so so cute

of course, u agree with him

everyone does tbh

still, it makes u feel a little upset bc it seems like everyone who says those things are older than him, with jobs and life experience and history and Fancy Stuff like tht

so compared to them, u feel like a toddler

even tho ure only 2 yrs younger than jihoon, it feels like theres 100 yrs between u

it doesnt help tht jihoon is always going on radio shows and reality programs, acting cute whenever someone older so much as looks his way

still

u know u should prob just feel grateful tht ure close friends, since most ppl dont even get tht far

but sometimes u wonder if itd be better if u werent close, bc now he only sees u as a little sibling to take care of

u wish u could say it wasnt true, but everything he does is exactly like an older brother

he dotes on u and watches over u, but instead of acting like a caring boyfriend, he just seems like someone babysitting his little sibling and u haTE IT

ure not even sure how long uve liked him romantically, but its like whenever u remember how he used to treat u even when u first met, ure stuck thinking abt how he mustve seen u

after all, who can look at a kid tht used to cry whenever their parents went to work and go “oh yeah theyre cute i like them a lot” ???

not jihoon

esp when hes already way out of ur league to begin with

as u get older, ur feelings for jihoon dont completely fade

there r times when theyre easier to ignore, sure, but its impossible to think tht theyre actually gone

whenever u guys make eye contact over dinner at a fast food restaurant, he beams at u in a way tht cant possibly be taken as platonic

ur heart is beating way too fast for u to lie to urself

anyways

u try and move on by befriending other ppl and even trying to date some other ppl

of course tht rlly doesnt work out

u turn down almost anyone tht u could possibly go out with, and even when ur friends try and set u up with other ppl, u can never make it past the first blind date

(ure too busy comparing the strangers to jihoon and watching them all fall short)

u mention some of the blind dates to jihoon

at first its bc ure hoping he’ll get jealous and confess

but as more time goes on, hes still just as supportive in his answers, and u realize tht theres no use in hoping when he clearly doesnt feel the same way

then a new guy transfers to ur school, and hes vaguely attractive and smart and funny and u get along well enough

he asks u out after school one day, and ure like why not? so u accept a first date bc u might as well give it a shot

its the first date tht ure on where u try not to think so much abt jihoon

it works for the most part, but u still find ur mind drifting off and wondering what jihoons up to

when the guy excuses himself to take a phone call from one of his friends, u manage to text jihoon to check up on him

u banter back and forth, and u cant help the way ure grinning down at ur phone with every text he sends u

at some point he asks where u are, and u realize wHOOPS guess who didnt tell jihoon tht u were having a date tonight

...

u

cmon dude whats up w that

anyways so u explain to him tht ure on a date w the new guy in ur class

and jihoons response is surprisingly short and clipped

its just a quick “oh” and ure like “???” bc hes never responded quite like tht before

so u ask him if smthns up

u see the typing bubble appear and disappear, appear and disappear, and so on

eventually it just disappears completely and he doesnt start typing again and ure even more confused than u were before

after what seems like forever, he texts u to ask if ure having a good time

u tell him tht u think u are

honestly tho, ure not too sure bc now its impossible for u to think of anything other than him

the guy comes back with an apology and a smile, and ure forced to tuck ur phone away and try not to be too obviously distracted for the rest of the evening

tht proves to be WAY TOO HARD

the entire night ure picking apart the way the guy cuts his food (jihoon looks cute doing literally anything), how he gives u a smile when u meet eyes (it doesnt look as genuine and bright as jihoons), how jihoon wouldnt even take u to a restaurant like this (u both feel more comfortable somewhere lowkey and relaxed)

if the guy notices, he doesnt say anything

at the end, he just drops u off back at ur home and tells u he had a nice time, and “maybe we could do this again?”

all u can do is choke out a “maybe” in response before ure hurrying inside and scrambling to check ur phone

jihoon hasnt rlly texted u since u last checked, and u can feel ur heart drop a little in its chest

u send him a quick msg, asking what hes up to and if he wants to facetime or smthn bc ure done with the date, and hes quick to agree

right before u call him, u see his text saying tht “i need to talk to u abt smtn too so its good timing”

ure freaking out a little bc maybe hes going to tell u abt his own s/o now tht uve told him abt ur date and u can feel ur hands shaking as the connection loads

once ure in ur room, u manage to make out his tired (but still glowing) features on ur phone screen

u greet each other with half-stilted questions, and u cant help but wonder why ure both so awkward w each other

i mean. obv u know why u are

but ure like ? why is HE acting so weird

and after a few more moments of tense silence, u finally ask him what he wanted to talk abt

somehow even thru the phone screen u can see his face turn bright red

and u would think abt how cute it was if u werent also thinking tht u mustve been right, hes dating someone else, and u can feel ur eyes start to well up w tears bc uve always known tht he didnt like u back, but this time its so painfully obvious

thts when he clears his throat like “um,, y/n,,,, we’ve known each other for awhile and i kno ure kinda young but,,,,,,”

and somehow he hasnt noticed tht ure having a mental breakdown as he gets closer and closer to saying what he wanted to tell u

“anyways y/n,,, i rlly like u so please dont go out w that guy again and mb go out w me instead??”

which. WHAT

ure literally shellshocked and hes trying to explain on the other end like “i mean u dont have to if u dont want to i just wanted to tell u and-”

its honestly precious tbh

u barely manage to cut him off but ure still a mess of emotions so u cant rlly talk properly

ure pretty sure tht u end up saying the equivalent of a keyboard smash,,,

he quiets down tho, and as ure trying to figure out want u want to say, he just looks at u w this rlly cute earnest expression and ur heart MELTS

eventually u manage to choke out tht u like him and now its his turn to get surprised

“WAIT ARE U SERIOUS”

he whisper-screams the whole thing, bc he doesnt want to actually scream and hurt ur ears but hes still freaking out and cant contain everything hes feeling

all u can do is nod and grin into ur hands and hes like “uGH now i wish i could tell u in person” but hes acting all soft and shy and tbh u dont think either of u could handle it if u were in the same room right now

still

ure both blushing and giggling and u feel so so relieved its kinda embarrassing

but he manages to cough out tht he’s rlly rlly happy tht u like him too, and “lets meet up soon? please?”

and who are u to deny him smthn like tht

(esp when uve been dreaming abt going on a date w him since forever ago)

eventually u have to end the call

but u both go to sleep that night with ur phones nearby, smiling even as u drift off to sleep

#requested #jihoon #wanna one #wanna one imagine #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenarios #wanna one scenario #park jihoon #park jihoon imagines #jihoon imagines #park jihoon scenarios #jihoon scenarios

[fmchiwon]

hello babies !!! i’m jin and this is the loml ryu chiwon aka c.won ( nineteen, model / child actor, elite’s lead dancer & vocal, and the sweetest boy to ever exist ) nD I RLY SHOULDN’T BE JOINING bc school n exams are a goddamn mess thnx ***………..but i still love u dw anw i’m here and i’m super hyped!!! u can find me on discord or twt (u can ask me for either!!) but i’ll mostly be on the im’s jsghfhdj . like this post pls and i’ll (v eagerly) come to you to plot!!! meanwhile u can find chiwon’s bio here and plots here (wip!) for ur viewing pleasure but w/o further ado here is some stuff abt him under the cut!

#1

just clearing stuff up bc his bio wasn’t that explicit and detailed! 

has been in the industry since he was five unfortunately n started out as a child model / actor

his family wasn’t that well-off but his parents had big dreams!!!! big hopes!!!! just……. not for themselves but for him…… mostly bc they missed their chance to shine a long time ago so now they’re projecting their aspirations onto him aka using him as an outlet to fulfil their dreams smh

he signed on with hjh ent at first but he found it so ?? stifling ???? esp since he had to grow up under the limelight and it was altogether just Tiring

modelling n stuff rlly took a toll on him bc he was expected to manage himself even at a young age and it stressed him out ??? ? ? ? so much, altho he got to hang out w the #starz but yea not enough compensation

it was kinda expected that along the way he discovered a passion for dance?? like i mean he was surrounded by idols…. and he often skipped modelling / acting lessons just to watch the sunbaes in the practice rooms

so he was more than happy when his contract was set to expire when he was 15,, he got the fuck out of that hellhole even tho his mom disapproved

their relationship has been tense ever since, mostly bc they lost their main source of income and she doesnt rly talk to him unless for him to send money back to their family

kinda has beef with hjh now, doesn’t make a habit of associating w them much. as a result, there have been like…….. wild rumors abt his absence and leave from the company

but in aug/sept of 2012, he secretly went for an audition that worldwide media was having, and entered as a trainee in october with dance

yeh now he’s here anxiously waiting for elite’s debut

#2

if u knew him, u’d be surprised at how much on-camera chiwon = off-camera chiwon

the only difference that on camera chiwon is calmer and kinda intimidating bc his stage presence is off the charts?? 

but his smile is one of the first things people notice simply bc of how prominent and bright it is, n he’s vvvvv charismatic and always makes u feel like the most important person in the world whenever he talks to u bc he focuses all his attention on u

he’s literally always the epitome of bubbly and affable, whether u know him personally or not!! v playful friendly and energetic and always tries to see the best in people, it’s almost to the point which it’s unrealistic

never seen without a smile on his face, he always has enough love to go around. constantly the moodmaker!!! he’s super perceptive to his surroundings so once he senses the atmosphere going down he’s immediately there to bring it up

doesn’t seem forced at all, 100% genuine and ppl actually doubt him for it bc how has the cruelty of the industry not wear you down?

but ha it actually has, he’s actually hella insecure about a lot of things except that he doesn’t let anyone in on his feelings, cries a lot into his pillow when he thinks no one’s around and makes sure that he’s always bright and happy the next day

he never lets anyone even think for a second that he’s upset or smth though, whatever he does feels really genuine

on a s/n Drop Dead Gorgeous is he even real

LIKE FOR REAL HE’S SO FUCKIN HANDSOME 2017 adonis @ his finest

knows how to make everyone happy (except for himself…..) and in a way its a substitute for him to fill up on his own deprivation of love n happiness

but he has the biggest heart, tries to take time out to help everyone when he can, and is super affectionate and can come off as overbearing / overwhelming at times

but he’s also a Heartbreaker ; /  mostly bc he’s super nice n flirty to everyone and it can be kinda misleading at times? BUT ITS NOT INTENTIONAL especially since he doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not ok to go around dropping random kisses on people and proclaiming his love for them all the time

once secretly dated a female trainee to protect her from the company finding out that she was gay

but that quickly turned into rumors wherein he dated another male trainee which….. may not be entirely false

a good friend, will always make time to listen to u and offer comfort

in a lot of ways he’s like a shelter and has been described as such by a lot of people that are close to him? mostly bc of how reliable and sturdy he is and how much he’s willing to take just about everyone in

haha but when he gets angry thats a whole different story

has the ability to stand up for others and will never hesitate to do so, esp if he doesn’t like what ur doing. he’s v stubborn and strongly-opinionated, however he’s almost always unable to stand up for himself, and instead he absorbs all the criticism he hears and takes it to heart

humble to the point of demeaning. he doesn’t believe that he would even be here without his members and (family…..ish)

gets a lot of hate for his singing bc when knetz heard his voice in one of their earlier releases they were like uhhhhhhhhh whomst and got a lot of criticism, mostly bc they think he’s just another untalented pretty face and that’s it

like but he’s constantly improving? and he rlly rlly works super hard to be better, and now he even drops small covers sometimes

ok but dance is the goddamn love of his life )-: posts a lot of dance covers and choreographs some dances too!

tries to contribute by learning how to compose and write lyrics, he’s constantly learning n experimenting w the help of the staff and his group members

SPEAKING OF WHICH he’s a total softie 4 them ok like to the level where he would give anything up for his members they’re his FAMILY n literally the only ppl who he’s ever seen him down

v loud, makes his presence known almost immediately

also he’s so!!!!! boyfriend!!!!!! icb

a TREE he’s so tall smh (perfect 4 u to lean on, cuddle, and be the small spoon to)

fashion is another passion of his, his entire wardrobe = fashion week all year long

a little hard to get super, seriously close to though bc of how much he bottles up inside himself. but he’s a little way too trusting and that fact gets taken advantage of a lot

has pet names for everyone

looks like he cant be taken srsly but he’s really observant and sharp, listens and watches his surroundings and hence he can AND will use ur words against u if u go against them

HE’S JUST A SWEETHEART TRYING 2 MAKE IT IN THIS JUNGLE OK thank u <3

if u read till here u deserve a gold medal

#3

i’m rly just here to develop my chara so i’m definitely open to any kind of plots at all! i mean it when i say that so plsplspls hmu w any ideas u may have whatsoever!!! or at least until i sort out a proper plots page or smth yikes…

#txt. #this is so long smh........ i talk too much #i hope this was at least coherent tho ?! #plot w me !!! i'll love u forever <3

[lizziebennet]

Hi Aurora okay first tysm for your blog It's so lovely to have another person so passionate about my fave things (i.e hp and period dramas) Anyway, i recently read the HP series (again) and found myself feeling SO MUCH. I genuinely teared up at so many different touching parts and I was just wondering what are your favorite most heart-wrenching/emotional parts from the books? I realize this is a lengthy quesition so feel free to never answer this or take a year.

ye S SS i love being passionate ab things and sharing that passion w my followers!!!!! i love yall esp when u ask me questions like this where i get to talk ab my fave things everrrrrrrrr (ps thank u so much for letting me take forever to answer this ur so cute to say that ilysm)

ok so literally i will cry my way thru the entire series when i reread bc harry potter has so much emotional weight for me and so many memories that go along with it. but i decided to limit myself to just 10 bc otherwise id be sitting here typing all day. so w/o further ado: 

AURORA’S TOP 10 MOST TEARFUL HARRY POTTER MOMENTS: 

((in no particular order)) 

HARRY READS LILY’S LETTER IN DH: listen harry doesnt actually spend a lot of the books angsting over the fact that he doesnt have parents but in moments like this u remember he IS AN ORPHAN AND IT GETS ME SO HARD. fuk like just picturing harry crouched on the floor of sirius’s bedroom reading that letter… rereading it… crying… wow.gif!!!!! the line that makes me cry eveRY TIME is “She had made her g’s the same way he did : he searched through the letter for every one of them, and each felt like a friendly little wave glimpsed from behind a veil.“ LIKE RIP RIP RIP ABORT ABORT ABORT ITS TOO SAD!!!!!

THE LOST PROPHECY IN OOTP: JESSESCREAMING.JPEG!!!!!!!!!!!! listen ,,, i talk ab this chapter so much on my blog. it is my #1 favorite moment in my #1 favorite harry potter book which is my #1 favorite series of all time. SO ITS A PRETTY BIG DEAL. harry’s reaction to sirius’s death… his anger at dumbledore… his grief… his discovery of his fate… its beautiful writing and its so painful but so amazing to read. LIKE!!!!! MY BABY!!! HE’S LOST SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!!!!! MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD!!!!!!!!!! “I DON’T CARE!“ Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” “You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”” LIKE LITERALLY WHEN I GET TO THIS POINT I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!! also fun story: one time i was listening to ootp on audiobook while on vacation and we were in the car waiting to taxi on to a ferry boat and we were listening to this chapter when the ferry guy came by to take our tickets and i had like TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE and jim dale is yelling as harry in the background…. the guy was like ‘is this bitch ok??’ lmaOOOOo 

HARRY AND THE MIRROR OF ERISED IN SS:  this is another one of those moments where you remember that harry is an orphan and its /so/ painful. thinking about this teeny 11 year old baby harry sneaking out every night just to sit in front of this mirror so he can see his parents………my darling baby sweetheart i love him So Much. it just makes me so sad like hes /so young/ AND HE JUST WANTS TO SEE HIS PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! it also gives way to one of my all time favorite hp quotes: “It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” 

HARRY STOPS SIRIUS AND LUPIN FROM KILLING PETER IN POA: me reading this part is literally ISAYTHATSMYBABYANDIMREALLYPROUD.GIF!!!!!! like!! my boy!! he finds out this man literally caused the death of his parents and he MAKES THE GROWN ASS ADULTS SPARE HIS LIFE… LIKE… he literally acts twice his age and is so mature and is just…….so amazing. it shows such strength and wisdom and it makes me SO PROUD. the way he references james also makes me cry because you see the relationship harry has with james even though he’s literally never met him and its so beautiful. i love harry so much. 

HARRY AFTER SECTUMSEMPER-ING MALFOY IN HBP: this is literally the opposite of that last one where im so proud of harry this is def… not one of his best moments lol. he rly rly fucks up and his guilt is so raw and it makes me so emotional because i feel SO bad for him. its def an important harry moment in the books because it shows his flaws and the consequences of his rage, but it also shows how GOOD he is because he feels so bad about what happens and like willingly takes his punishment even though it means that he cant play in the quidditch match. he really like… atones and even tho its rough to read i def love that its a part of the series bc its a really like watershed moment for harry and i think it really reminds him of the wizard he wants to be. this part also leads to i think a more satisfying harry/ginny first kiss bc ginny defends harry and then him not going to the game leads to “several sunlit days” AKA ONE OF MY FAVE HP MOMENTS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

HARRY AND HERMIONE VISIT JAMES AND LILY’S GRAVE IN DH: “But they were not living, thought Harry: They were gone. The empty words could not disguise the fact that his parents’ moldering remains lay beneath snow and stone, indifferent, unknowing.And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off or pretending? He let them fall, his lips pressed hard together, looking down at the thick snow hiding from his eyes the place where the last of Lily and James lay, bones now, surely, or dust, not knowing or caring that their living son stood so near, his heart still beating, alive because of their sacrifice and close to wishing, at this moment, that he was sleeping under the snow with them.”  THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS THAT I HAVE TO STOP READING BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS ANYMORE. I CRIED TYPING THIS. IM SO SAD. 

THE FOREST AGAIN IN DH: hoo boy. hoooooo boy this is a Big One. this one is really…. wow. just. wow. [deep breath]. there is So Much in this chapter that makes me cry where do i even START. harry realizing that he has to die and ACCEPTING IT BRAVELY LIKE THE HERO HE IS. “Why had he never appreciate what a miracle he was,  brain and nerve and bounding heart?” im crying….. hes so good. HARRY NEARLY STOPPING WHEN HE SEES GINNY and ginny’s crying and comforting some girl and im crying too. JAMES. SIRIUS. LILY. REMUS. WHEN HARRY ASKS IF IT HURTS TO DIE LIKE LITEARLLY I HAVE TO PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND GET UP  AND WLAK AROUND THE ROOM BECAUSE I GET SO EMOTIONAL LIKE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! when harry sees harry and screams at him ……………… rip in pieces me!!!!!!!! ALSO ONE OF HIS LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE THE AVADA KEDAVRA IS OF GINNY AND KISSING HER……….. [GUNSHOTS] [SCREAMING]

BELLATRIX TORTURES HERMIONE IN DH: fuk this scene is no joke scary like it took harry potter to another level of real darkness. hermione being tortured was so chilling like beautiufl amazing smart snarky hermione it was so painful to read like my heart rate goes up when i read it bc im worried for my girl :/ and ron is sHAKING and like screaming and literally throwing himself at the walls to try to get to her and its SO upsetting like. they are still CHILDREN like theyre all so young and they dont deserve this like. hearing her plead and stuff … its just…. too much. these are my CHILDREN i have to PROTECT them. 

HARRY DIGS DOBBYS GRAVE IN DH: this is another one of those harry moments where i just want to give him a huge hug. like he insists on digging dobby’s grave by hand which is just ..... [gets choked up] its fine. and his thoughts while he dig make me so sad. he so /tired/. hes so frustrated with dumbledore and he the hallows and the horcruxes and he feels responsible for what happened. and ron coming out and helping him dig silently makes me so happy and its one of those times u really see how much rons friendship means to harry. and harry comes out of this like ... older and more mature? his wisdom and knowledge is rly apparent when he talks with griphook and olivander right after this like. he knows what hes going to do. hes made his choice. hes not going to race voldemort for the wand. i love him so much for that choice. hes such a grown man in this part like accepting responsibility, taking care of hermione and everyone like getting things in order. i love him. 

MRS WEALSEY HUGS HARRY IN THE HOSPITAL WING IN GOF: “’It wasn’t your fault, Harry,’ Mrs. Weasley whispered. ‘I told him to take the cup with me,’ said Harry. Now the burning feeling was in his throat too. He wished Ron would look away. Mrs. Weasley set the potion down on the bedside cabinet, bent down, and put her arms around Harry. He had no memory of ever being hugged like this, as though by a mother. The full weight of everything he had seen that night seemed to fall in upon him as Mrs. Weasley held him to her. His mothers face, his father’s voice, the sight of Cedric, dead on the ground all started spinning in his head until he could hardly bear it, until he was screwing up his face against the howl of misery fighting to get out of him.” HARRY POTTER DESERVES MORE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he feels so guilty about cedric and god bless mrs weasley for telling him it wasnt his fault because it WASNT!!! he did so amazing in the graveyard like.. .he saw voldemort return and he fought him and he survived and he saw his paretns and hE TOOK CEDRICS BODY BACK SO IT COULD BE WITH HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!! HE TOOK IT BACK FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i would die a thousand deaths if it meant that harry didnt have to experience this pain!!!!

whew so there we go!!!!! the bottom line is obviously that i love the harry potter series more than anything and specifically i love the boy harry potter so so SO much and his suffering is agonizing to read and he didnt deserve any of it!!! i can litearlly think of SO many more heartbreaking moments in the series but here are just a handful. happy birthday to harry!!! 

#anonymous #aurora got an ask #hp #aurora RANTS

[inside-aut-blog]

Autistic Beau (Critical Role)

right out the gate the most obvious thing is that fjord explicitly coaches her on social skills. like, several times. several at her own request

the How To Give Compliments lesson in particular stands out, bc she’s like “wait. i sounded rude?? but i was being genuine!”, & she asks for his help practicing doing compliments right (& proceeds to do…badly); perfect example of missing social cues & struggling w/tone + facial expressions

literally the…entire aftermath of the bowl argument tbh:

explicitly asks fjord for help w/the apology bc she isn’t sure how to do it

when fjord goes “you, not good at apologizing??” she has to check if he’s joking; “you’re being facetious, aren’t you?

fjord: a great place to start w/apologies is to mention the stuff you just said beau: that i’m not good at apologies?

(a completely logical but also also very literalresponse)

fjord goes, “it takes a big person to apologize for something. little people are the ones that make mistakes and just let them go,” & beau’s all, “oh, like nott? a little person”; behold, another literal response

beau says “oh okay” when fjord tells her she shouldn’t smile while apologizing; seems genuinely surprised + grateful for the advice

fjord: there’s a thing called sarcasm that you ride a line with sometimes beau: okay, that’s good to know

(canonically struggles w/unintentional sarcasm, heyo)

an example of this is when she’s telling the group about what happened when she first met dairon, & they don’t really believe her bc she doesn’t sound entirely serious, even though she rly is

fjord also has to kinda talk her through that first hug w/caleb? she doesn’t know how to do it; unfamiliar & uncomfortable w/comforting folks

oh! fjord jester & nott all coach her through her awkward apology to toya

she’s generally low-empathy. like, she has to be told to apologize to toya, she struggles to understand caleb’s pov whenever they argue, she thinks jester’s genuinely happy & unbothered after the iron shepards stuff, she’s not all broken up by the dragon debacle, she affectionpunches the injured guy in felderwin, etc. etc.

on that note–she outright says that punches & the like are how she shows affection, & uhhh showing affection in unusual ways? that’s autistic.

relatedly. she seems most comfortable doing more traditional affection quietly? like, silently handing jester a tissue, waiting til jester’s asleep to tuck her in, wordlessly putting a hand on caleb’s shoulder, etc. (which isn’t necessarily autistic in itself, but is a mood for this autistic, so on the list it goes)

also like, ppl remark over & over again abt her poor social skills, particularly nott (“you think she was dropped on her head or something? she’s just very sort of…you know…”, “beau is terrible at relationships and social interactions,” [paraphrased] “you shouldn’t talk to yussa you’re abrasive and bad at this sort of thing”) and fjord (“sometimes when you compliment people it sounds like a fuckin insult,” “there’s a thing called sarcasm you ride a line with sometimes,” “[insert various bits of socialing advice here]”)

is the very first person to remark that holding + petting frumpkin, Designated Emotional Support Stim Cat, is therapeutic

on that note, again–beau has that weird characteristically autistic thing of mixing up informal & hyperformal speech? she speaks aggressively casually most of the time, but will still drop in shit like “facetious” instead of “joking,” & “therapeutic” instead of “calming,” & etc.

when she tells the truth, she’s almost invariably blunt, eg “i’m kinda concerned for your well-being–it’s fine, i’m not that concerned,” “i don’t know why i told you [i slept with dairon],” [insert literally any argument here], etc.

uhhhhhh sth abt her reaction to caduceus’s “tell the truth” thing–like, it doesn’t seem to’ve fully occurred to her before then that she could be selectively honest, or just bend the truth rather than outright lying? which strikes me as potentially autismrelated in the sense of. that’s a shade of gray, & black n white thinking is autism thing

anyway.

pocket bacon. a) doesn’t seem to realize it’s weird, & b) samefood…….

voice edges on monotone at times

just the fact she’s still wearing the cobalt vestiges early in the campaign, when she’s left the monks & hasn’t joined back up yet–sticking w/what’s familiar when it’s not necessary or even rly practical? autisti c

undercut + topknot? easy-to-take-care-of hairstyle, tie it n go

her eagerness to Get Into Sneaky Shit & quiet disappointment when she’s left out of said sneaky shit “bc it’s her whole thing” makes me think that like. that sort of espionage junk was maybe an old special interest of hers, in addition to obviously being Her Trade

big emotions that she struggles to regulate, esp. anger/frustration; has openly admitted having anger issues

relatedly she’s canonically gotten so frustrated & upset that she’s just started crying (granted it was at a broadly overwhelming moment–the succubus fight–but none of the others cried so like,)

lowkey has that “connects easier to animals than people” thing going on? is noticeably delighted every time she’s given frumpkin to hold; the very first time she holds him she’s all “he likes me :D!” –is also noticeably upset when the prof thaddeus saga goes down

lifelong struggle to make friends; never rly had them before the m9

asks a dude why he’s afraid of fire, ie why he has dissociative & nonverbal episodes whenever he burns someone to death. is then shocked that the reason is So Heavy

mmmm perseverates; eg in battles she’ll often Keep Trying To Stun over & over despite lack of success, in arguments she’ll keep hammering the same point, in General once she decides she wants to know a thing she digs & digs until she finds it out (file that under adhd as well)

sometimes overshares w/strangers w/out realizing she’s overshared; eg “yeah my parents named me beau because they always wanted a son,” said to bo like 30 seconds after meeting him

is shouty when they first meet keg & then apologizes for it & says “i’m trying to work on the manners thing”

the “long may he rein” bit at molly’s grave was echolalia

ok SO we all know traci is beau’s straightsona yes? but i hereby propose……….she is Also beau’s ntsona (sociable, bubbly, polite, uses more variation wrt tone of voice,,,)

when she touches the little window thing in halas’s study & pulls jester along with her, she’s like “ahhh! my actions have consequences that affect other people!!!” & that. is what we here in this house call an Autistic Mood (specifically a low-empathy autistic mood)

“is it wrong for me to feel okay when everyone else feels really bad” is Also an autistic mood (of the same variety)

she’s a great negotiator in terms of like. tactical shit? but when it comes to fuckin–emotional mediation stuff, she rly struggles. see: when she tries to mediate between nott & caleb in the apothecary basement (trips over her words & trails off, doesn’t seem to know what else to do/say)

canonically hates the color yellow. consider: is bc sensory bad

makes name puns. i’ve not met an autistic yet who didn’t love puns

seems surprised that no one else caught that her name is beau & she fights w/a bo staff–the redundancy is obvious to her, so surely it must be to everyone else aswell?? (what do u mEAN no????)

OH. when beau says to jester “i mean…you could watch if u wanted” re: her hypothetically kissing dairon & then is like “…would that make you uncomfortable? –nevermind” that’s. autism; foot in mouth not realizing how other ppl will feel

misses…..unstated implications. like down in the sewer w/the drow, they decide to just leave the dude & the beacon behind & beau’s like “we’re letting him leave without it?” & the others are like. we’re leaving both we don’t know if he’ll take it [wonk] not our problem, & she’s again like “but he won’t take it?” until fjord translates & goes “yes, he’s taking it”

she’s like “caleb u can just get a new fuckign jacket, god” but does she get herself a new one?? no. she jus adds a new lining to the monk robes she’s already got & calls it good, like a goddamn Dweeb

also when her arm wraps got burned off she immediately went to replace them; i’m betting she just Feels Weird w/out them bc Is Different, + that they provide some nice pressure times

also after the yussa encounter she says “ i could barely speak i could barely get words out,” which like. semiverbal……….

in ep 57 she said the “sensory overload” words, so mark that down for a phrase she is readily familiar with

[angeltrapz]

SAW ask time 💚 wld love to hear abt chainshipping + Adam bein autistic— maybe like what Lar notices abt Adam’s stims, things he does for him/ways he helps when Adam needs it. Also for Eric/Adam, maybe any thoughts on Eric finally like.. realizing he’s got a special interest?? ik we’ve talked abt how hard he masks but bein around Adam (n Mallick) helps him relax abt that, so like maybe how does he react + what is th special interest? anything u wanna dish abt!

thank u it’s always SAW ask time in my heart <33

!!! I was just thinkin abt tht!!! our minds 💫

I think th first time he rly sees Adam stimming (i.e. flapping his hands) he’d be like “what’s that?” but not in a rude way - genuinely a tone of “I want 2 know more abt this thing, pls tell me” rather than anything anywhere near condescending/annoyed/mean-spirited like Adam has dealt w fr YEARS at this point. so he’s definitely put on edge a lil bit bc he can’t help it, maybe he starts to like wind down and force himself into quiet hands, but Lawrence is immediately like “no I wasn’t making fun of you!! u don’t have to stop doing it!” which kinda stops Adam short like. what r we doing here. usually when ppl ask me tht they’re also telling me 2 stop. finally Lawrence says “I was just wondering what kind of stim tht was,” like he didn’t almost (accidentally) uproot Adam’s whole shit + is currently Doing So Now by using actual terms tht Adam didn’t know he knew, n so he like takes a moment to absorb tht comment n then he’s like. “oh. it means I’m happy or excited?” and honestly? when Lawrence hears tht? he’s like “oh... so then you’re rly happy? 🥺” n it’s just like. a moment fr both of them lol. (Adam feels Much safer discussing things after tht too, in several ways. it definitely helps w building trust between them!!)

after that though Lawrence definitely takes notice of more things! he’s not afraid 2 ask questions, so tht’s smth tht’s rly good fr them - Lawrence being able to seek information (he also does his own reading + research) to better understand, n not in tht shitty mommy blogger “I know yr in there somewhere” way. he doesn’t want 2 change Adam. he wants a better grasp on wht Adam’s experiences r like so he can help n minimize stress abt certain things. fr Adam tht’s definitely like.. foreign territory, bc as u’ve mentioned b4 + my personal hc as well, his parents didn’t really care 2 get him formally diagnosed + even acted like there was No Way he cld be neurodivergent in any sense, so 2 have some1 who is interested n respectful is So important 2 him. (personal hc time: I hc Adam as both adhd AND autistic like me so there’s tht!!)

so like he takes notice of th way Adam likes 2 roll things btwn his fingers (shirt sleeves, shirt hems, hoodie drawstrings, blankets, soft fabrics he likes the texture of, etc.) n is just like Oh Idea. I like 2 think he gets Adam one of those bead lanyards (like this one, which I also have!) fr him to fidget w n he kind of presents it like “I thought maybe u wld like smth like this?” n honestly he’s a lil nervous abt what Adam is going 2 say. but Adam takes it n holds it fr a minute, rolling th beads n messing w th lanyard itself 2 kind of test it, n he just looks up n smiles n he’s like “I love this. u’ve been paying tht much attention??” n fr Lawrence it’s just like “yes? of course? bc I love u?” like it’s th simplest thing in th world n Adam’s just. Huh. no he does Not tear up, if Lawrence told u tht he’s lying. he’s just Rly not used 2 ppl who want 2 know more without wanting to “get inside his head” or belittle him fr it (ties into my hc tht fr th most part, Adam hasn’t rly had any Good friends...) so it takes a lil getting used to.

another thing!! Lawrence does is ask 2 listen 2 Adam infodump abt his special interests - esp photography!! like they do this thing where if it’s not too late at night by th time Lawrence comes home frm work, Lawrence will take a quick shower n then get into his pajamas n into bed (just fr some quiet quality time b4 they go to bed, bc he still tends 2 come home a bit late), n he’ll have Adam sit next 2 him n he’ll be like “what do u want to tell me?” bc tht’s another thing tht Adam was entirely unused 2 - having ppl who didn’t just tolerate his infodumping, they wanted to hear it. Lawrence might be th first person to not actually give him shit fr it/tell him he’s being annoying/shut him down completely. again, it takes Adam a lil bit to b fully comfortable w it, but once he is he adores having tht time to be excited abt things w another person! who he knows Wants to listen!! (if we’re going th route I personally like 2 think abt sometimes too, where Lawrence is autistic as well, I feel like they infodump back n forth abt photography n medical stuff. do either of them rly know what the other is saying? not rly. are they listening happily bc that’s their partner n it’s smth they’re excited abt? oh absolutely!)

I think Adam has a tendency to eat a lot of th same foods bc they’re safe n he knows he likes them/doesn’t mind their texture (which is a big issue w trying new foods fr him), which is smth tht Lawrence also takes note of and as such, he likes 2 make sure they’re regularly stocked up on at least some of tht stuff. it’s not even smth he tells Adam he’s doing, bc it’s rly tht simple 2 him - Adam likes these things n therefore we shld have them at th house - but fr Adam it’s just One Of Those Things, y’know?? he got so much shit as a kid fr being such a “picky eater” n got shit fr it as a teenager too bc “why don’t u ever try anything new??” was smth his friends/parents Loved 2 say. it’s th fact tht Lawrence rolls w it so easily, doesn’t poke or prod for reasons he eats th way he does, and doesn’t get upset w him fr it/try 2 force him into things he isn’t comfortable w. it means a lot to him, more than he’ll ever have words 2 say (but he does always kiss Lawrence’s cheek when he gets back frm th store n he sees some of his same foods, which is just as good). it’s loving tht he’s autistic because it’s a part of him, a fact, not despite or in spite of. tht’s what’s so nice n kind of healing abt it; feeling safe 2 express yrself as u are w a partner who u know u can trust. who maybe words questions a bit funny sometimes, completely unintentionally, not out of malice (where allistic Lawrence is concerned, anyway). Adam feels Safe, n tht means a lot 2 him.

as fr ways he helps him!! a big thing is tht Lawrence is observant, esp as they spend more n more time together. a lot of th time, even when it’s just th two of them alone, Adam might have trouble maintaining eye contact fr an extended period of time, n Lawrence might not know how much it Actually helps, but he doesn’t mind tht Adam doesn’t always look at his face when they’re talking. it’s smth tht takes a little getting used 2, but he was never shitty about it w Adam. the way he sees it is if it makes Adam more comfortable, why shld he get upset abt it? it’s not like he doesn’t know when Adam’s talking 2 him anyway, or tht he can’t tell if Adam is listening; Lawrence knows both of those things, so Adam not making eye contact isn’t a problem, y’know? it’s okay. n I rly don’t know if Lawrence is fully aware of how much Adam appreciates tht.

another thing is he’s patient + understanding when Adam is nonverbal, whether it be bc he’s having a shutdown/meltdown, sensory overload, or just plain Difficulty w speech. it kinda depends on what I’m writing at th time, but I feel like Adam might have picked up at least a lil bit of sign language here n there; mostly simple phrases tht get th point across. I like 2 think Lawrence learns what they mean so he can take tht stress off of Adam’s shoulders, but most times, Adam is just comfortable sitting in silence w someone he cares abt.

OH brief thing Lawrence is RLY good at helping w pressure stims. he gives amazing bear hugs n I feel like he’d also probably let Adam lay on him if they’re on th couch/in bed. I just Feel It.

-

OHH I think abt Eric finally developing a special interest now tht he feels more comfortable w doing so a lot. honestly I kind of rly like th idea tht his special interest might be info abt rats! it kind of hits him when he catches himself writing down lil facts (tht might not even be related to pet care!) in his notebook so he’ll remember them + always being excited 2 learn more n share what he’s learned. it makes Adam SO happy to see him being comfortable w tht aspect of himself, esp now that he’s safe to explore it w ppl who understand n who won’t discourage him/belittle him for it,, Mallick too of course, but Adam knows how much Eric struggled w tht kind of thing for such a long time so he’s just. Ah. 🥺🥺

like they’ll all b chilling on th couch (Eric, Mallick, n Adam) n Eric will have his head against Adam’s shoulder while his hand is on Mallick’s chest, who has HIS head in Eric’s lap w his legs dangling off th armrest, n he’ll be like “did u know tht when rats r happy, they grind their teeth together? it’s called bruxing n then sometimes their eyes move in their sockets rly fast while they’re doing it. tht’s called boggling.” n Adam will be smiling so wide when he says he didn’t know tht but it’s rly cool!! n then Mallick will start asking questions n he n Adam just listen while Eric infodumps fr probably th very first time since he was very very young, before it was masked out of him by his parents. n he finds tht he Doesn’t feel so bad abt it anymore, not when he’s around ppl who want him to be happy and want to see him be happy - esp ppl who encourage it n let him know it isn’t smth he has to hide/keep locked away. it’s hard 2 b ashamed of himself when Adam n Mallick r looking at him w genuine interest in their eyes n so so much love.

he might still like, slip back into masking behaviour every now n then, bc it’s something he’s still dealing w n learning 2 leave behind, but after he discovers his first special interest it gets a little easier, letting go of that way of life. it was smth he was forced into by adults who didn’t actually want th best for him like they said they did when they put him through “therapy,” but w partners he knows understand n who are even autistic themselves, Eric slowly learns 2 be more comfortable w it. it’s slow, but it’s progress. bit of a learning curve. he’ll get there.

#just if anyones curious yes I am also autistic #I know I mentioned tht in th response itself but U Know! #saw #adam #lawrence #eric #mallick #asks #god I love getting asks frm u u Understand me #tysm!!!! I appreciate it a whole lot things have been sort of rough #oh another note I kind of write adam at least w a lot of my mannerisms/experiences #it's what I know lol

[trueka]

hey u seem chill and like idk like you could answer this so like i?? don't understand how ppl make and love characters who are like?? bad/hurtful people??? cause obvi i'm talking abt ppl who are v nice and good ppl so it doesn't make sense to me... like i gen think i'm a p nice person?? and i don't like mean or bad characters at all like they make me upset??? so like how/why do you like them??? like u said chika is an asshole. not judging btw! just genuinely confused

i guess its just a matter of preferences??? i just rly like mean/brute characters idk there isnt rly an explanation behind it lol… just bc i like a mean fictional character doesnt mean i’d like them irl tho. i love love love bakugou with all my heart but i’d hate his ass if i knew him, yknow??

also i call chika an asshole bc he does scams like reigen & ed edd n eddy as his hustle/for fun and loves fucking around with ppl/teasing them (esp since he can read their minds)…..he’s like a friend asshole. he can be rude/annoying but hes not genuinely mean or anything lmao.. he likes inconveniencing ppl and he’s good at it.

hope that answered ur question?

#truekasks

[assholemurphy]

so, i’m incredibly drunk rn. like absolutely trashed. it’s absolutely fantastic. i love this. i literally don’t feel a single bad thin at all. and i’m hoping i do a generally decent job of typing bc like, i feel the need to talk abt what just happened.

my brother recently moved in with me, so he was here when my friends and i decided to get drunk (and ofc we included him bc it’s polite) but now he’s pissed at me. bc i tole him not to make fun of me for my relationship w/my best friend. which he thought was hilarious. bc i was openly being vulnerable/showing i rly cared abt him. 

i just spent the last 2 hours laying on my best friend’s chest (pretty boy,m ofc, in cfase any of you weren’t aware of the human i care most abt in the world) and telling him i loved him and how much he means to me and all that gross shit you say when you’re drunk and have no inhibitions. and it’s true, i love that man more than i love anyone, he’s my best friend and i’de die for him, but my bro seemed to think this was funny. like i deserved to be shamed for caring abt another human being. bc ofc that’s something ppl should feel embarrassed abt.

so, when i told him not to say anything abt it, he asked me how embarrassed i wanted to be, and i snapped at him. bc that’s rude and i didn’t spend most of my childhood raising that fucker just for him to try to make me embarrassed abt how much i care for the one human being who has ever given a shit abt me, without asking for anything in return. pb has never asked any more of me than i can give, he’s pushed me to be a beeter person, and is always there when i need him to be, no matter what. so i finally told him how much he actually means to me, kind of. i held some stuff back bc i was aware i wasn’t alone in the room (rafiki (who i don’t mind knowing these things) and my bro were in the room, too) but there was much more i would have iked to tell him. like how much he means to me and how i’d die for him and how much i love him. i told him several times that i love him, but i’m not sure he understood the gravity of what that means. i don’t love ppl easily. it takes a lot to earn my trust, and even more to get me to feel comfortable enough to admit i rly, rly care abt you. and i care abt pb more than i’ve ever cared for anyone. period. he’s my best friend, i’d do literally anything for him, and somehow my bro thought that was something to make fun of me for??? after pb and rafiki left??? bc of course it’s okay to tell your trauma survivor sister that she should be embarrased for caring abt the one person who has never made her feel less than human, or broken, or wrong just for her trauma. to make her feel embarrassed bc she admitted to loving that person immensely. 

i think he’s a douchebag for making fun of me. for not seeing that saying those things made me feel incredibly vulnerable (a reason i’m sure factored into rafiki’s decision not to weigh in much). i think he’s a prick for making me feel like i should feel embarrassed for caring abt someone else, for loving them, for being loyal to them. there’s nothing pb could do that would make me not love him. he could use everything i’ve ever told him agaisnt me and i’d still care for him deeply, so my bro’s decision to treat that like a joke and ask me how embarrased i want to be when he tells everyone is just disgusting. i kind of hate him for it. esp bc he got pissed off at me for being upset, like any normal person would.

now, i love pb, but i’m not ‘in love’ with him. he’s one of the best human beings i’ve ever met and i’d do anything to ensure his happiness, but having someone else i care abt (albeit to a lesser degree) telling me i should feel embarrassed abt telling him i love him is just fucking gross. pb needs to know ppl care abt him,. i worry abt him constantly. he’s been hurt so often and doesn’t seem to see himself as the amazing human being he is. and sometimes i wish i was in love with him, so i could prove that someone will love him romanticall one da, that he’s deserving of that, but ik it wouldn’t change anything.

he keeps everything together for everone around him but he’s so fragile, so broken, that it kills me. he’s been hurt so often and he honestl doenst deserve that at all. like, this man is one of the best men i’ve ever encountered, i’d go so far as to sa he’s The Best. and v few ppl seem to see that and it’s fucked up.

so for my little brother to take advantage of a vulnerable and intimate confession (that i love pb so v much and that there’s nothing he could do to lose my loyalty) and turn it into his own entertainment is just disgusting. i thought i raised him better than that, but i see my parents rly did get to him.

but the thing is, i’m not embarrassed. there’s no one i wouldn’t tell how much i love him. he means more to me than any person i’ve ever met. he’s helped me more than any person i’ve ever met. he’s the best fucking human being humanity has to offer and to think i should be embarraseed for cfaring abt him is absolutely horrible.

there was a time when i would have been extremely embarrassed to admit i loved anyone that much, but not anymore. pb is the World’s Best Human and i will never doubt that. i love him more than anyone i’ve ever met and i’ll never stop. the only way i’d ever leave him is if he flat out told me to leave, and even then, i’d still remain loyal, i’d still love him, and if he ever needed me, i’d only be a call away.

i will never care as deeply for any friend as i do pretty boy, never. nobody has ever done half as much to earn my trust as he has. nobody has ever cared half as much abt me as he has. and i will NEVER feel embarrassed for caring abt him. he means the world to me. it’s not much to say i’d kill for someone, bc that’s easy to earn, but to say i’d die for someone is another thing entirely. and i’d die for him. there’s not a thing he could ask me for that i wouldn’t give him easily. he’s earned that. he’s been here for me when no one else stuck around. when i was broken, fucked up, and unloveable. he never asked me to be anything more than i am. he never asked me to do anything that would hurt me, tho i’d do anything for him.

there’s not a single person on earth that i value more, that i’d give more for, than him. i’d burn the whole world if it meant saving him. he’s the danny to my bones and i’d do anything for him. he’s my best friend, the one person whose life matters to me more than my own, and that’s saying a lot, considering i’m a survivor and i wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s. 

i sound like an overdramatic bitch, bc i am, i truly am, but v few ppl in my life have tried to earn my loyalty. v few have it. but he doesn’t even try, i don’t think. he’s just there. he’s so noble, so caring, that he doesn’t have to do anything special. he’s just an amazing human being. much better than i could ever hope to be, and i’ll never be able to show him how grateful i am to have him in my life.

i’m a drunk, overly emotional bitch rn, but if there’s one thing i know for sure, it’s that i will NEVER, ever be ashamed or embarrased of how much i care for him. he’s done more than anyone else in my life to earn that love, that loyalty, and i’ll never be ashamed of loving him. he’s such a great human and the fact that so many ppl refuse to see that astounds me. bc he’s the sweetest, kindest, most noble person i’ve ever met. no one else has ever rly given a shit abt me, and maybe i have low standards, but i don’t think so. i think that’s he’s genuinely the greatest person i’ve ever met. he cares so much that he wrecks himself in the process. i’ve never met another person who does that for the ppl they care abt. i always thought i was just overly caring and broken, but he does the same thing, only he does it better. and i hate that he takes so much onto himself. he doesn’t deserve to shoulder the weight of the world, not alone. i always thought that i was atlas, doomeed to carry the burden of everyone i cared abt, no matter how much they hurt me, but then i met pb, and i don’t have to hold up the sky on my own. 

he’s always talkign abt bricks and how i shouldn’t carry anyone’s but my own, and that’s incredibly hard, bc i was raised to take on the burden of everyone around me regardless of the toll it took on me. but then i found him, and he’s helped me with that. he’s not only helped me understand that some bricks aren’t mine to carry and i shouldn’t have to, but he’s offered 9and p much refused to let me decline) to help me with my own. and that. that means the world to me. bc in all my 23 years of life, not a single person has ever offered to help me with my own shit. i’ve always been expected to carry the weight of others’ burdens, but here he is, helping me with my own, and i don’t know how i’ll ever be able to repay him for what he’s done for me. he’s done more for me in the past year than my own family, all the people i’ve called my friends, have done for me in the entirity of my life. i literally wouldn’t be here without him (and rafiki and goldilocks, ofc, they’re def improtant, too). he’s saved my life, given me hope, taught me to let go of the bricks that aren’t mine, and helped me become a much better person. all in the span of a year. bc he’s a selfless, amazing, noble asshole who sees the hurt in the world and takes it upon himself.

and i will spend the rest of my life making sure he knows he doesn’t have to carry that weight on his own.

so fuck my brother. fuck him for being an asshole who doesn’t understand basic human connection. fuck him for thinking i should be embarrassed or ashamed for admitting i love my friend. fuck him for being a juvenile little bitch who only cares abt how he can embarrass other ppl. he could tell the whole world what i said tonight. he could tell them all how vulnerable and open i let myself be. he could use it against me for the next 50 years. and still, i would not feel ashamed to admit i love my friend. i would not feel ashamed to make myself vulnerable around pretty boy. i don’t care if the entire world thinks i’m in love with him or if they think i’m pathetic for caring so much. i love him and i’ll never pretend i don’t. i shouldn’t have to. fuck what anyone thinks. there’s not a single human being on the planet more deserving of love (not just mine, but in general) as he is. and i will do everything i can to make him see that. bc he doesn’t, and that kills me.

i never rly believed in happy endings, i’m not sure i do even now, but if i know one thing, it’s that nobody i’ve ever met desreves a happy ending than he does. and that’s a goddamn fact.

#text #iz says stuff #iz has friends #i'm drunk and emotional and overly dramatic #but i love my friend #more than anything in the world #and if my brother thinks i'm gonna be ashamed of that #he's fucking insane #bc there's not a single person i'd lie to when asked abt how much i care abt pb #not a single goddamn person #bc no one in my life has ever cared abt me or shown they cared abt me more than he has #so fuck it if the entire world thinks i'm in love with him #fuck the theatre dept and fuck my brother #if they can't tell the difference between platonic and romantic love #then that's on them isn't it? #my only worry is that i'll somehow embarrass pb by not being ashamed of it #or that he'll start to believe i'm in love with him #so i'm not exaclt vocal abt it unless i'm drunk #but dammit #he's the best man i know #he's so kind and caring and gentle #he deserves the wolrd #and apparently he stalks my blog #so there's a good chance he'll see this #and you know what? #good #that self hating fuck needfs to know he's got ppl who wpuld do anything for him #he needs to know he's loved unconditionally #and even if it's not romantic like he needs #it's still love