#tw hospitalization

[veryluckyclovers]

I had so much kate bush stuck in my head this stay

#i hate the drawing of the girl i almost didnt post it but it was like 3 yrs ago and i just had a rubbery pen #my art #doodle #drawing #art #this stay was obvious that i was really scared because i didnt even journal anything -- lol i was so traumatized #tw hospitalization

[fairydares]

loook i get why the idea of riding the "anti/pro" fandom disk horse makes people gag a little in their mouth and try to opt out entirely, but here's why i went from feeling exactly the same way to taking a firm profiction stance. I've been meaning to make this post for a while.

~10 years ago, I posted a fic for the first time and it got its own harassment campaign. The fic wasn't even sexual, and wasn't going to be (it remains incomplete). It was accurately rated T on fanfiction.net. Anyone in the Fairy Tail fandom will understand this: I literally got harassed for writing a "Lucy leaves the guild" fic💀.

After many nice comments, someone left a pretty nasty one. Hurt, I messaged them back. They acted super attacked that I'd responded (lmao) and after we argued, threatened to "rip my shitty story apart in the comments section" if I responded again. I told them "go ahead lol."

They went ahead.

Now know that it was a relatively small harassment campaign, but at the time, it was devastating. Right around then, I wound up in the hospital. After I got out, I went to excitedly check my fic, and found several reviews saying things I wouldn't repeat to my worst enemy. I was suicide-baited more than once, told "thank fuck you finally abandoned this shitty story, dumb cunt," stuff like that.

There were several accounts involved, and I can't say for sure, but I suspect at least a couple different people were involved, though probably at least half of it was one person.

All the other comments were screeching about how I hadn't updated, mostly. "NO UPDAAATEE WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO MEEEE??!!!" was one that stood out after I'd been miserable in a hospital for an extended period of time.

Idk what people think is going on when FT fic authors write this trope, and frankly I don't give a fuck. Because while I was partly writing the story out of some young, cringe feminist rage, I also did genuinely have a real story I was compelled to tell. I was inspired by another, popular fic I loved which used the trope to talk about how trying to shoulder our burdens alone really just hurts both ourselves and everyone who cares about us.

My own story was ultimately going to have similar themes, with more focus on strength, what it means, and in what contexts earning and having it actually matters. In retrospect, no wonder I wound up in hot water, because at the time "Lucy vs. Strength vs. Misogyny" was the FT fandom's Designated Nonsensically Activist Debate™. But that's partly why i wanted to write about it; engaging with the fandom had gotten me thinking about it 🤷‍♂️

Not too long after that, FFNet oh-so-benevolently granted us the ability to delete comments from our own stories (they never took my reports seriously at all, afaik). I deleted all or most of the harassers' comments (may still be a one or two up, and i'm fairly sure there's a couple comments defending my fic from the harassment) without saving screenshots, which I really regret now. I was just so mortified and full of self-loathing about the whole thing that i wanted to forget it completely. Something that had brought me joy at a very lonely, vulnerable period of my life had turned so negative, and i couldn't even tell the people closest to me about it without being made fun of for writing anime fan fiction.

I didn't understand why this happened at the time, but--after a period of trying to forget/bid out of it all with a slight anti lean (a common approach I see people use, and one which I'm not proud of adopting)--I just had to figure out What the Fuck Even Happened There. And I'm telling you, after years of reflecting, wrestling with both sides, and educating myself, that this goes way deeper than you think and comes out of a way darker well than you probably realize. An astonishing amount of this is, quite literally, TERF shit and evangelical shit.

Trying to be in fandom and take a stance of, "Anti/Pro shit? Ew, I'm Not Touching that," is like swimming in a heavily polluted river and being like, "Poison? Cringe. Not me lol."

You might be lucky enough to be in a less-polluted part of the river (AKA a relatively non-toxic fandom, in which case good for you!)...but tbh this rhetoric and peer-signalling will still seep in.

I can't stress enough that pro-fiction, AKA "proship", is the normal, leftist-about-art-and-sex opinion. Pro-ship is against all the horrible things you're against; in fact, pro-ship isn't trivializing real trauma by equating it with fictional trauma, or trying to apply literal evangelical/radfem solutions--which are proven not to prevent or help. Profiction/proship is literally just saying, "Fiction is fiction, reality is reality, and the two don't have a 1:1 relationship. And historically, trying to censor just things we've decided are bad has done nothing but get LGBTQ+ and POCs censored. Therefore, depictions of illegal things shouldn't be censored." That's it. "Proshippers all ship problematic ships," is a brazen lie. Many of them share other fans' disgust for those ships, they just don't believe in censoring fic authors over it.

It is also taking a stand against harassment because--and I hope my own story has helped drive this home--as with all groups who adopt ingroup/outgroup thinking, antis are defined by their tactics, not actual stances on real, serious issues. What happened to me was absolutely a result of anti, "it's okay to 'bully out' anything I just don't like" mindset pervading fandom. In a way, this was the mindset's final form. They didn't even feel the need to cite a reason the trope was "bad" or "wrong"; it annoyed them, and they viewed their own feelings as a valid enough pathway for policing to go right ahead and do so.

In the interest of offering solutions instead of just bitching about problems, I might make a "how to know if you've bought into these types of views"-type post sometime. Also might come back to this and provide some sources/citation.

#cw harassment #tw suicide-baiting #tw hospitalization #posts i actually wrote #fairy tail #nalu #fandom #fandom meta #proship #pro fiction #anti-censorship

[plural-affirmations]

Here's to those who have had self-inflicted trauma.

Many, many traumatized individuals end up feeling like they are partly or completely to blame for their trauma. Regardless of reason, you are not responsible. Even if it was something you did to yourself or others, I firmly believe you were a victim of circumstance; genetic factors, predisposition, lack of knowing it was dangerous, adult influence, etc... there were things out of your control. So, today? We're here to appreciate you.

Shoutout to those who:

Went through SA, CSA, COCSA, and/or NCCSA

Were forced to do traumatizing acts to another child/person

Had/have an eating disorder

Had/have an addiction, even the "mild" or "uncommon" ones

Experienced self-harm or suicide attempts

Otherwise had a near-death experience

Were hospitalized for their mental health

And anyone else who just feels like it's their fault. Because I promise, it isn't.

It's going to be ok. I know how hard things can get. I've had my own run-ins with crises before, but... the important thing is that you're here. You have so, so much value and brightness inside you. I don't want you to think you have to take drastic measures to feel better. Because, you didn't get to write the beginning of your story... but you can definitely write the rest. And I'm excited to see how it turns out.

Please stick around, ok?

🖤💜💙💚💛

#tw csa #tw cocsa #tw nccsa #tw hospitalization #tw suicide mention #tw suicide #tw sh #tw self harm #tw ed #tw eating disorder #tw addiction #multiplicity #plural #pluralgang #plural affirmations #actually multiple #actually plural #did #requests #did osdd

[sickmuseum]

I DIED THAT DAY.

there's the late night drive, in the ambulance, loud sounds and bright lightning, can't even see one now, can't even hear one now.

couldn't speak, couldn't even say sorry, please forgive me i don't know what got into my mind.

even though i tried many, many times before, i can't even count them.

poor little girl who at the age of seven already had suicidal urges.

i want to hold you.

there's blood, there's the strobe lights that never let me sleep while i was there, the babies crying like they are dying, maybe they are, the girls that have meltdowns and scream and lash out at the nurses, the ones who cut themselves even if their parents are there, the girls who fought to escape and got tied up to the bed, the ones that were sedated and couldn't even talk properly, the teens that did not wanted to be there, the boy who was dissociated out of his mind, the girl who at the age of eleven, was probably schizophrenic.

that one girl who had bpd symptoms.

she was eleven.

the anorexic girl who couldn't even walk.

maybe i was dying.

i wholeheartedly believe i was.

there's something about friends that you meet in the most terrible time in your life, your support, while they are also, in the most terrible time in their life.

there's something about watching movies, gossiping, doing eachother's makeup, there's nights when we all cry together, and we tell our problems, there's role-playing doctors and therapists, because they weren't there, one time a week, we saw them. maybe two, maybe three weeks.

we wait to be transferred, that day never met me.

i was gone before i was in the psych ward.

it's one of those nights, i scream i yell i can't begin to explain how... low i feel, i cut and tell the nurse i can't do it anymore, i can't do this anymore, what can't i do anymore? living?

i have never lived.

i pass through the elders and the adults, there's a schizophrenic teacher at the side of my bed, tied up to the bed, there's a religious old woman that tells me i should not be here, there's the violent, the ones who look at me thinking and wondering what i've done to be there.

there's this constant reminder on my arms, on my heart, on my mind on the mundane things, of what i did, of what i've been through, of what i did go through.

i can't seem to shake the thoughts. i am not alive, a part of me died that day, those weeks, those two months, i spent hospitalized.

the girls i met, the boys i met, the nurses i met, my mom and dad and family, i am sorry.

that wasn't me.

but even if it was that who am i?

i was and i'm nothing but a broken vessel.

#tw hospitals #medical trauma #tw medical #tw hospitalization #long post #mental illness #vent art #vent #art #personal vent #trauma #ptsd #complex ptsd #actually cptsd #childhood trauma

[turnallthemirrors]

they handcuffed me, put me in the back of a police car, and drove me to a hospital 2 hours away in the middle of the night without discussing it with me or any of my loved ones and I was too scared and sedated to protest but please, keep making the exact same joke about tumblr being an asylum, you're really funny and I hope you get a million notes forever

#sydposting #tw psych ward #tw psychiatric abuse #tw medical trauma #tw hospitalization

[lillypadcrochet]

People make me so mad sometimes!!!!

***CW for suicidal ideation and hospitalization ***

Today a student I work with tried to get himself hit by a car to die, and while me and my colleagues were standing in the road, physically blocking him from running into traffic and deescalating, traffic started to back up and somebody fucking HONKED!

Like get real???? You see a crying teenager standing in the road screaming about how they want to die, with several adults blocking traffic and you decide to honk??????

I flipped them off and then immediately was like oopsies that was a mistake for professionalism reasons, but tbh I don’t regret it.

And then people were driving around us and giving us dirty looks and doing those stupid ‘what are you doing?’ Gestures- Like obviously there is a child in crisis!!!!! You can sit in traffic for an extra five minutes if it means he stays alive.

The student ended up being hospitalized. This was the third time he was majorly dysregulated and unsafe just this week- poor kid has been hanging on by a thread (which got snapped today)

(I feel that I should share that I work at a school specifically for kids with mental health and behavioral problems)

#lilly chit chats #werkin #tw suicide #tw hospitalization #bitching and moaning

[riality-check]

Here, have another dialogue snippet related to this post by @hexmionegranger and my companion post to it. Sorry in advance for the angst, but I was going through some old stuff, found it in the abyss, and thought it was good enough to share. Bon appetit!

Eddie takes a deep breath and tries to restrain himself. "Steve. You can't keep doing this."

He curses himself for not noticing sooner. For not waking up when Steve wasn’t sleeping. For not seeing how he stopped eating. For not being there when he needed him.

For being such good friends with a bottle. And now, though he won’t tell Steve, lines and credit cards, too.

"I'm sorry," Steve whispers. "I didn't mean to let it get this bad."

It being the fact that Steve barely gets out of bed anymore. It being how he didn’t say anything about his scars hurting again. It being how his migraines were getting worse. It being the fact that Eddie woke up to Steve crying, in so much pain from everything that Eddie panicked and took him to the goddamn hospital.

"But you always let it get to this point," Eddie explains. "You always let it get this bad. It's like you never let anyone help you until whatever it is can't be ignored anymore."

He takes Steve's hand and squeezes it. Steve doesn't squeeze back.

"When are you going to realize that you have so many people here to help you? That I want to help you?"

"No you don't," Steve mumbles.

And there it is again. Years out of his parents’ house, years out of Hawkins, and Steve still can’t believe that he’s lovable. 

It’s cruel of him to think, but Eddie can’t help but be frustrated by it sometimes. Most of the time.

Eddie lets go of his hand. "Steve, I can't do the 'woe is me' bullshit anymore."

"It's not bullshit."

"Yes, it is!" Eddie shouts. "It is bullshit! When are you going to realize that you have to let in the people who care about you? Tell me when!"

"When I stop being stupid," Steve shoots back. "No. No. Don't do that self-deprecating shit right now. I get that you have daddy issues or whatever-"

"At least I had a dad around for those."

Eddie stops. Completely. Breath knocked from his lungs, the whole nine yards. "Low. Fucking. Blow. Sweetheart."

"I'm sorry-"

"And I'm leaving."

Eddie ducks out of the hospital room and tries not to scream. He knows that Steve doesn’t mean it, not really, that his bitchy, sharp tongue is instinctual when he’s cornered.

But that shit fucking hurt.

So, Eddie leaves. Just for the time being. He knows he’s gonna come back. He always does, for better or for worse.

The only thing he might be better at than leaving is coming back to Steve. For better or for worse.

Steve pov

#ria writes #angst #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #stranger things ficlet #steddie ficlet #tw hospitalization #idk what else to tag this

[cluster-b-culture-is]

Cluster b culture being hospitalised by a physical incurable uncontrollable and thinking "fucking finally this one wasn't my fault no one can blame me for this"

.

#cluster b culture is #cluster b #npd #aspd #bpd #hpd #Mod Reef #anonymous #tw hospitalization #hospitalization tw #tw hospital #hospital tw

[that-bipolar-mood]

A peak of my mania experience through the memes...

First off, The thing that ruins your life:

And lack of impulse control creates:

So that escalates into:

Until finally:

And then comes the depression:

The end

#this is a joke #relatable #but be safe #bipolar disorder #actuallybipolar #actually bipolar #manic depression #actually mentally ill #mania #bipolar memes #manic depressive #actually manic #bipolar mania #bipolar i #bipolar ii #bipolar 1 #bipolar 2 #tw hospitalization #mental health

[wheresernie]

i unfortunately am briefly returning to the gravity falls hyperfixation long enough to lose braincells anyways how do we think booty juice would effect bill cipher possessing ford *honestly* like would sedation make him stronger or would that bitch fall flat on his face discuss

#i dont think i wanna tag this but feel free to interact #tw hospitalization

[akito-shinonome-official]

akito headcanons

🎤— he loves more more jump

🎤— he needs to wear glasses but insists he doesn’t

🎤— he gets called “baby brother/little brother” by almost everyone no matter how much older they are

🎤— he refuses to admit that he’s shorter than toya

🎤— similarly, he doesn’t let tsukasa forget that akito is younger yet taller than he is

🎤— he’ll defend the people he’s close to fiercely, especially toya and ena (even though they fight)

🎤— oh ho ho he is so fruity.

🎤— he’s naturally ginger but dyes that one streak blonde for funsies

🎤— he sings romeo and cinderella when he thinks nobody can hear him

🎤— inwardly quite sensitive and gets a lot more upset than he lets on

🎤— has a lot of respect for tsukasa but a mild distaste for rui

🎤— absolutely terrified of dogs

🎤— has a sorta distant relationship with ena, but still loves her

— lore recaps: (tw: mentions of hospitalization)

🎤— was hit by a car lmao

🎤— refused to go to the hospital for days

🎤— was in denial about being gay

🎤— kissed toya on a movie date, started crying too

darker hcs/lore recaps ahead

(tw: disordered eating for hcs — s*icide, hospitalization for lore recaps)

🎤— he loves and supports toya and the rest of vbs but feels inferior to them, and overworks himself to try and get on their level

🎤— he has passed out from exhaustion before due to this

🎤— he has been caught going days on end without eating due to overworking himself

🎤— he hates the way he looks and avidly avoids mirrors

— darker lore recaps (tw: s*icide)

🎤— sat on train tracks trying to be hit by a train, and had to be pulled off the tracks

🎤— got pneumonia and was hospitalized for a few days

#ooc #headcanons #tw suicide #tw disordered eating #tw hospitalization

[plural-affirmations]

Here's to adaptive systems.

Adaptive systems are defined as "systems which formed in response to trauma or other adversity". [via Pluralpedia]

So, here's to systems who formed from trauma, isolation, neglect, bullying, stress, disability, or just simply identify as adaptive.

Shoutout to:

Adaptive systems currently in actively traumatizing situations

Those who are processing past traumas

The ones who have found peace, but still acknowledge how they were impacted by their past

Systems who are adaptive as well as some other label to describe themselves

Those who are in therapy, on medication, in an outpatient program, have been hospitalized, or otherwise require professional assistance to help them function

Those who struggle with a dissociative disorder, self harm, suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, personality disorders, or another condition that affects them often

We love you so much. You shouldn't have had to have been strong or resilient, but I'm glad you're still here regardless. You're so valued and important to your communities, plural or otherwise.

Please know you've got someone thinking of you. ❤️

🖤💜💙💚💛

#multiplicity #plural #pluralgang #plural affirmations #actually multiple #actually plural #requests #did #did osdd #tw sh mention #tw suicide mention #tw neglect #tw bullying #tw abuse #tw hospitalization #tw trauma #adaptive system #adaptive systems

[femboy-catgirl]

the amount of time I should have been hospitalized for a mental health crisis but just had to deal with it on my own infuriates me.

I wish the health care system in my country was would enough that I could afford (in the metaphorical and literal sense) getting in patient.

the amount of times I almost killed myself and my plurality was the only thing that saved me

the psychotic breakdowns, the moments I was so underweight I was permanently dizzy, the mixed episodes, the hypomanic episodes so bad I wonder if it could actually be considered mania, the depressive episode when everything was gray and there was a permanent lump in my throat where I wanted to break down crying and die

the constant knowing that if I asked for help things would get worse, be either about my mental health or abuse

to this day

I wish I could get help

I go to therapy, tomorrow I have therapy, but the meds are not enough, my brain is too tangled together

I'm losing my mind

I crave death and have to ignore it the same way I do to my hunger

I'm dying slowly, rotting away

I hate this, I wish I could get help, I HATE THIS

I need a way out

I NEED HELP

#tw hospitalization #tw psych ward #cw vent #tw sui mention #tw abuse #tw ed #tw ed descussion #the system has failed me #society has failed me

[asbestieos]

taketh my shitty thoughtless and fun to draw phone doodle and go forth

#tatsumi kazehaya #enstars #ensemble stars #no id #remembering he cut his hair during his hospitalization is so funny #hospitalization #tw hospitalization #hospital #tw hospital #tw black eye #black eye #tw bandages #bandages #injuries #tw injuries #tw scissors #scissors #im trying to tag every trigger under da damn sun ok i would hate it if someone was squicked out #iv drip #tw iv drip #iv #tw iv #ophanem art #immediately after finishing this i suddenly had a serious thought and was like oh. i bet the special students who jumped him snipped his hai #r off. you know how it is in private schools cutting your victim’s hair is the rage #<- has gone to private school their whole life

[the-entity-down-the-street]

Trans thoughts:

I know the shitty "I'm mourning my child" spiel all too well. But you know what makes it an extra smack in the face for me?

I grew up suicidal. Like, eight years old, talking about being better off dead. This is obviously due to a shitload of trauma, and then puberty compounded my feelings by slapping a heaping spoonful of what I now know is dysphoria on top of that. My mom, by the way, was fully aware that I was struggling. She knew I was struggling through college, too, between therapy, the death of my grandmother, a part-time job, and keeping up my GPA.

Then I become one of the many quarantine eggs that cracked open in 2020, go on antidepressants after a major suicide attempt, and finally start seeing a future for myself. I get top surgery on my goddamn birthday in 2021, and she's sad about it, because "those are the breasts my mother had, and I have!" Which. Gross possessiveness of my body, mom, but also you're telling on yourself here.

She mourned the child that fought for their will to live and won, because I wasn't living the way she wanted. I can't think of anything that says "this is about my own ego, not my child's wellbing," than that.

#tw suicide mention #suicide tw #tw hospitalization #trans visibility #trans rights #trans issues #nonbinary #thoughts #just a ramble #can you imgaine mourning your kid finding a will to live? #unsupportive family #transition stuff #top surgery #trans journey #trauma discussion #tw childhood trauma #trans

[65ths]

Which song do you feel describes your character the most and why?

canon questionare.

gonna cheat here for a moment and mention three songs that describe finnick quite well to me. it's so hard to say there's just one, he's so complex, he wears so many faces, and so there are multiple songs that each tackle a side of him and what he's been through. they're all kind of similar in regard to the fact the path of being hurt, faking it, and having it chip away at you.

tldr: vampire by olivia rodrigo, you deserve an oscar by matt maltese, and free by florence + the machine

the first one is vampire by olivia rodrigo (lyrics below). i think it captures the unfortunate dream that is sold to every kid that goes into the games-- this idea of glory, parties, a forbidden paradise. i think this song specifically speaks to finnick and his relationship with the snow though because he is the one to hold all these secrets and he knows how he rose to power. he's the guy that all of panem should laugh and finnick feels stupid at times for having bought into those ideas.

hate to give the satisfaction, asking how you're doing now how's the castle built off people you pretend to care about? just what you wanted look at you, cool guy, you got it i see the parties and the diamonds sometimes when i close my eyes six months of torture you sold as some forbidden paradise i loved you truly gotta laugh at the stupidity

from there the lyrics only get more literal to finnick's circumstances and all that happened to him.

i used to think i was smart but you made me look so naive the way you sold me for parts as you sunk your teeth into me, oh bloodsucker, famefucker

you deserve an oscar by matt maltese (lyrics below). this song makes the little creatures in my head go crazy because it's just sooo perfectly finnick to me. he's the capitol darling! he's the guy! he's the everything, the poster boy for what a kid could accomplish and it's all such a deep and well constructed façade. there isn't a crack in this portrayal that he puts out and he does a lot to make sure of that, but the whole time he really is losing the grip he has on himself and his mental health

moisturize, your skin is dry ghosts are ringing off the bell tell your friends you're doing well call a doctor 'bout your health and i think you deserve an oscar for pretending nothing's wrong every day there's something else but you carry yourself like the greatest actor acting like the world is not breaking up before your eyes

free by florence + the machine (lyrics below). along the same lines as both of the last songs, except i think this song better describes finnick's mental state and all of how he's trying to manage everything that he's experienced and is feeling. the way he runs is simply not sustainable. he was always going to be break, and he does a bit over the years when he goes home but district 13 is really the height of that. i think there was so much of him wanting to cry out for help over the years and at least once or twice he would have in some way, but i imagine not in a way anyone truly understood

sometimes i wonder if i should be medicated if i would feel better just slightly sedated a feeling comes so fast and i cannot control it i'm on fire, but i'm trying not to show it as it picks me up, puts me down ... i push it back, but it keeps on coming and being clever never got me very far because it's all in my head and "you're too sensitive", they said i said, "okay, but let's discuss this at the hospital"

#im a little worried everyones questions are going to need a tldr #but you happened to ask the one question that i am never not thinking about #music is so important to my ability to write him #held together with bowlines / headcanons #sailing close to the wind / asks #thanks for the ask! #ask to tag #tw mental health #tw hospitalization #WITH SEASHELLS UP TO OUR EARS / playlist