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softrozene · 1 year

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Comforting Female Reader Who Has Experienced an Assault

Anon asked: Hey honey, I was too shy to ask off of anon... But do you think you could do some HC’s for the boys helping a f!reader who was previously sexually assaulted? I am having a really tough time right now. ( I am handling it all and I have people helping me too) it’s just really weird for me to deal with I guess Thank you sweet Ro!

rdr2 masterlist

I’m sorry to hear that stuff like that is happening to you but if you ever need someone to talk to just to vent or for advice you are always welcome to talk to me since I have experienced past sexual assaults and harassments. It’s always a no-judgment zone when talking to me fyi. Just remember everyone processes it differently but you are not alone and hopefully the people helping you are a strong support system.

I love you anon and I hope these make you feel better.

I chose almost all the males I usually write for because they would all kill/die for the ones they love.

Originally published on February 11, 2020

*Speaking to everyone who reads this: These can be taken as platonic relationships or romantic. Just know I am not romanticizing the issue. There will be solid advice. There will be dumb advice. These are after all my headcanons for how I think they would treat the issue with a fem!reader (I think with a male!reader they would act just a little bit differently. This is a sensitive topic so please read the warnings and just remember you are all loved.

Warnings: Angst, PTSD, fluff, mentions of past sexual assault

Hosea Matthews-

He would hear this from you directly

Would be shocked before he drops everything in order to listen to you

If you don’t wanna talk about it he won’t push you but he will hint that it may make you feel better

If it happened all in the past he would piece together some of your tendencies that relate to the assault, what you tend to avoid and whatnot, and basically, he’ll help you so nothing at the camp will trigger you

If it happened more recently he will try and urge you to tell him who it is so he can sick the boys on them, without your knowledge of course

He’ll just say “It’s been taken care of Sweetheart. No need to worry about it.”

Hosea is the most caring one out of them all and will constantly check up on you, see how you are doing/feeling, will get you whatever you want whenever you want, and more importantly will always put others in their place if he feels they are getting on your nerves or are crossing boundaries

If you do daily talks he’ll always ask if it’s okay to hug you or hold your hand because he wants you to know desperately how much you mean to him and the gang

If he sees you heading down the wrong path, he will pick you up without a doubt. Orders you to take care of yourself and if you don’t listen to him, he will send Arthur and John the most awkward boys in the universe to go and talk you into doing the stuff he told you to do

He’ll do about anything you want in order for you to feel better and get past this traumatic experience

“We can’t change what happened to us. That’s all in the past. However, we can change how it affects us now. How we’ll go on in the future. Turn this into something to make you stronger.”

Dutch Van Der Linde-

Will deadass go on a rampage after learning you’ve been assaulted

All you have to say is that you got hurt by someone- He doesn’t need any details unless you want to fill up the rage he already has

He will hunt down whoever they are no matter where they are with most of the gang by his side, it doesn’t matter how long ago it was, he wants to see that bastard/bitch who did this to you in the ground

“And they will surely be dealt with” literally will be his words- Anyway after they are dealt with will he only focus on you

He’ll be careful with you and probably the most annoying thing he can and will do is, treat you like glass

It doesn’t matter anymore if this was in the past or more recently, he will make sure someone he trusts is by your side and preferably a woman so probably Miss Grimshaw

Eventually, he will realize that he is overdoing it but he will give you one of his speeches saying it’s only because he worries about you

You just gotta be upfront with him, tell him what you need and what you do not need, and he will fix himself after apologizing

Expect a lot more gifts from yours truly

By a lot, I mean a lot

He will make it rain jewelry for you if it means you know how much he cares

Can’t say that about the money though

If it still lingers over you he will without a doubt, try and help you through the process of at least accepting what happened well happened

“Try and focus on the now and make yourself better for the future” Or something along those lines would be his advice

Arthur Morgan-

Is a saint no matter what he says

You would have to tell him face-to-face and rather bluntly that you were assaulted. If you hint at it, he may take a moment before he realizes what you mean

He won’t act fast but he will sit down with you and have a talk with you

Of course, he wants to act, his blood would be boiling at the thought of someone even touching you without your consent but for your sake, he will take a breather and wait until you are done venting to him

He would treat you the same

He wouldn’t necessarily tread lightly on certain topics unless he sees that it makes you uncomfortable and omg if one of the boys dares to mess with you he will be on their ass in a hot second

Basically, he may hover but he won’t realize it since he’s treating you the same way as always

It’s up to you as well to decide the fate of who hurt you

If you want them dead, he’ll go do it in a heartbeat

If you want them beaten, he’ll go do it in a heartbeat

If you want them threatened, he’ll go do it in a heartbeat

If you don’t want anything done, he’ll just keep an eye on you and make sure you are faring well

When he’s not at camp he’ll have Hosea, John, or one of the ladies keep an eye on you

He makes sure that you know you can bother him for anything, he may be grumpy about it but he’ll do it just for you

If you’re having nightmares or just can’t sleep you can sleep on his cot and he’ll stay with you until you do fall asleep

If nothing works to make you feel better you bet your ass he’ll take you with him, on rides to town just to get you out and about

His last resort is letting you see his journal- That’s how you know this boy genuinely cares about you because no one touches the journal

“People are not so kind. But you are. What I’m tryin’ to say is don’t let that bastard/bitch put out your light. I care ‘bout ya.”

Charles Smith-

He would be the most understanding like Hosea

Would make sure that you are in a safe space mentally before he allows you to vent

Will reassure you that you are safe no matter what but he will want to get back at this person

It usually goes against his code for killing but he cares about you and no one deserves to get hurt like that so he will take time out of his day (probably go gather Arthur) and go and kill this person

Whether you wanted that or not he would have convinced you this person would probably have another person to prey on soon enough

Speaking of, he will remind you that you are not a victim but a survivor

He’ll be there for you all the way

If you need some company he’s there for you even if you don’t want to talk

Charles can and will be your rock if you need it

He’ll help pick you up and depending on if it’s okay with you, tell a selective few what happened so they can also help you

It may be cheesy but I can see Charles in this scenario making you say positive things about yourself in order to ward away the negative thoughts

“Repeat after me. I am a strong woman. I am resilient. I am a tiger.”

May or may not be making fun of Mr. Pearson at the last one in order to get you to laugh

Either way, he’ll make sure you to feed you positive lines almost every day

If you need to get out he’ll take you on nature rides and remind you out beautiful the world is despite how cruel the people are

He won’t exactly hover but he will be constantly glancing your way at camp to make sure you are all good

Tells you venting is actually good without needing to hear the advice

I forgot to mention it in the others but, all these males will make sure you know self-defense. They give you tips and tricks with each weapon of their choice that way no one will mess with you again

You can always rely on Charles to give you good advice though. Understands that sometimes you just need someone to rely on so you know you’re not alone

“I know you. You are strong and beautiful. Don’t give anyone the power to doubt yourself. Only you have that power.”

John Marston-

Is fucking awkward when it comes to this kind of thing

He will 100% see red as soon as you tell him and no matter what no one but Arthur, Dutch, and Hosea can stop him from going after the person who hurt you (and those three will join him tbh)

He is not the best to talk to about this so he’s okay if you just need the company

May take you to a saloon and get you a drink or two just to ease you, will not give you more

Honestly, I see John as completely awkward and not knowing what to do for this situation. He’s at a loss and if the problem (the person) has been dealt with wouldn’t know how to help you

He would go ask the girls how to cheer you up or make you feel better, go to Hosea would be a better option and would finally just ask you what you need and how so you don’t get stuck in your PTSD

Though he may understand but not in the way that is relatable. He’ll understand the nightmares and such but he won’t understand if you fear that person because his situations have always been near death

He will desperately try to understand you though

Will send Jack your way if that kid can cheer you up

“Well fuck, y’know I always have your back. Just- I um don’t let ‘em get to you.”

Javier Escuella-

This man would have no idea what to say at first

It’ll take him a minute to register before he asks if he can hug you- mostly to reassure himself that you are physically safe

Once that is done and over he will get straight to business and ask what you need

Murdering the person would cross his mind tbh but he’s too focused on you that he won’t ask till much later

If you need to clear your mind he’ll take you fishing, show you how to fish and have Hosea come along so it’s all positive vibes

He’ll write some songs and lullabies for you and serenade you to show you how much he cares

I honestly think Javi bottles everything up when it comes to himself so he’ll be more than happy to talk to you about your PTSD or share stories and even his own past if he deems it right by you

He would gut whoever you want like a fish for you btw

“Hermosa, you’re strength inspires me”

And it truly does

It takes a lot of guts to admit and accept what’s happened and even more to want to reach out for help

Javier would admire that and remind you whenever you need to hear it

Sean Macguire-

Ahaha if you thought John or Dutch had a short fuse for this- The minute he finds out he’s already spouting nonsense of them meeting their demise

And if you allow it or they are not dead he will surely make them have a terrible death

He would risk getting caught by bounty hunters again if that were the case

As for comforting you, this boy doesn’t exactly know how to do that

He laughs off his own traumatic experience so he’d probably be trying to get you to crack a smile or drink with him

Homeboy would try and get you to kill some bloody people for the fun of it ngl

Hopefully, his energy will rub off on you

I don’t really see him as the sitting down type but if he cares about you he is more than willing to listen to you and also more than willing to give you unwanted advice and a shite ton of his opinions

“Yer fuckin’ priceless. No mutherfucker hassa right to touch ye.”

He will end the speech with something gory I bet

*I was going to add Keiran and Lenny but I ran out of ideas but I hope the lovely lads I did write and their reactions/comfort help anyone who needs it

#softrozene writes #rdr2 x reader #red dead redemption 2 x reader #hosea matthews x reader #dutch van der linde x reader #arthur morgan x reader #charles smith x reader #john marston x reader #javier escuella x reader #sean macguire x reader #angst/comfort

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quicklikelight · 1 month

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... In light of the last thing I reblogged, since I'm not actually sure if I ever I ever told folks here...

Mental health/medical diagnosis info under the cut.

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2010 following the birth of my son. I'd had anxiety, depression, and what I now know is OCD symptoms for years at that point, but they all got much worse after kiddo was born. I believe I've shared here before that I was very ill while pregnant, and nearly died before and during my emergency C-section that bright kiddo into the world. I have very few memories of my pregnancy but the ones I do have are impressed into my brain like the world's most depressing stamp collection: not neat pictures, but deep grooves that form shapes and can be laid over one another to see the cumulative chaos, the terror that I still feel every time someone puts a blood pressure cuff around my arm, the dissociation from my body that I still have because all I can remember was it hurting.

I had cptsd before I ever got pregnant, but my pregnancy made my symptoms so much worse, and a doctor who spoke to me for three seconds gave me the "convenient" diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I was a young woman in college, it was 2010, and he never asked me anything about my life. This diagnosis wasn't corrected until 2022.

I'm sharing this because in the past I frequently blogged about being bipolar. I wasn't bipolar though. What I thought was mania was just my behavior when I was triggered beyond my ability to ignore. What I thought was depression was... Well, it was depression. My life was miserable, my ex is a horrible human being who deserves to be thrown in a deep pit full of snakes, my family hates me and acts like it, I lived in Texas of all places, and on top of that I was working in a dead end job that I couldn't ever seem to escape.

In 2020, I was fortunate enough to move in with my friend LC and her family. We weathered the worst of lockdown together, our children becoming close friends, and I'm grateful for the time, energy, space, and love LC afforded me to begin recovering from a lifetime of wounds.

I'm 2021, I moved to New York state to live with my best friend, my heart's companion, @tofixtheshadows. Dea has been the best partner I could want as I grappled with my changing sense of self, the sheer madness and unreality of what my life used to be. I am so fortunate to call her my best friend and to be able to share my life with someone who knows me and wants to help me be better.

I found a psychiatrist in 2022 who changed my life when she said, "I believe everything you say that happened to you. I think bipolar disorder is a convenient diagnosis for a man to give a traumatized young woman when he isn't interested in doing his job well. You aren't bipolar, Anne. You have PTSD."

I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, since I already knew Dea thought I had PTSD. But it seemed so out of left field to me, that... Well, that maybe there hadn't been anything inherently wrong with me in the first place, as I had been led to believe, but that the years of horrible actions happening around and to me had just taken their toll.

It was liberating. Scary, but good.

I've been working with my psychiatrist and a therapist since to try and build more tolerance, better coping skills, and to process my trauma. It's slow going. Life doesn't stop because I need EMDR. But it's ultimately been so rewarding, and I'm still only in the early stages of the work.

Last year, for basically the first time in my adult life, I was able to go off of all my mood altering medications. I just didn't need them anymore.

I'm still in treatment and working toward goals that will probably take a while. But I am happy. I'm actually happy for the first time in my entire life. And to me, that's pretty much everything.

#about anne

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purplesurveys · 6 months

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1772

Have you ever eaten with both fork and spoon, at the same time?: Well yeah, that's kind of how we eat everything in this part of the world.

When’s the last time you bled a lot?: When I had my period two weeks ago.

Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin?: No, I always look away. I hate needles and can't stand to be around them lol.

Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo?: I was sitting right across my mom when she got her tattoo. Now she has a ridiculously high tolerance when it comes to pain, but seeing her clutch a pillow like her life depended on it and squeezing her eyes shut during her entire session scared me off from getting inked forever hahaha. If she barely got through it fuck knows what I would do once that needle meets my skin.

Are you currently full or hungry?: I'm actually a little hungry. :( But I'm feeling sleepy too so I don't trust myself to order food online now and stay awake long enough to wait for it.

Has a taste of something ever made you smile?: Yes, usually when it's food I find nostalgic or have happy memories with. Or if I've been craving it for too long a time.

When you’re done eating finger foods, do you usually lick your fingers?: I used to do this but at some point it started to feel just kind of gross so I don't anymore haha.

Who was the last person to hit you in the stomach?: I don't think I've ever been hit in the stomach, but what an unpleasant thought. I imagine I would retaliate.

Would you ever snap your cell phone in half, if you could get a better one?: No. Whatever happened to just walking into the store and buying a new one?

Do you think twenty-two is old?: Not at all, but I'm also probably the wrong person to ask. I know 22 is nowhere near 'old,' but in my own and very personal experience, turning 22 at the time I did felt like aging 100 years. I have no positive memory from when I turned 22, because it happened in 2020.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?: Astronaut, veterinarian, and firefighter.

Are you planning on going to college?: I did, and I graduated three years ago.

Do you know someone that is/was abused by their parents?: Yes, corporal punishment was commonplace here at least until my generation. I got so used to watching my cousin getting whipped by a belt that I just became desensitized to it at some point. Fortunately millennials took the hint when they started becoming parents and have stopped the practice completely.

Does your cell phone have a touch screen?: Yup.

Do you like strawberry and banana smoothies?: That sounds very nasty.

Would you cuss the person you hate the most out to their face?: I don't hate anyone.

Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind?: My great-grandma's caretaker was deaf mute. I haven't seen her in well over a decade though.

Have you ever spent more than two weeks in a wheelchair?: I don't think I've ever even sat in a wheelchair.

Have you ever watched static on the television for more than five minutes?: Nope, don't think so.

When you cry, do you hyperventilate?: It's happened before but it's not a regular occurrence. I don't think I've experienced hyperventilating since college. Which is good! That just means I have not felt that heavy ever since then.

Is tapioca pudding nasty to you?: I've never tried it but yeah I'm not a fan of how it looks.

What are you favorite word[s]?: Fuck.

Is there a lot of drama in your life?: Nope.

Five Gum or Juicy Fruit?: Juicy Fruit, mainly because that's the only one I've heard of and actually had in the past.

Do you drink straight from the bottle, instead of getting a cup?: If I'm drinking alone, that's when I have it straight from the bottle.

Have you ever been in a taxi?: Yup.

Do you listen to modern music or classic music?: Modern.

Is your keyboard/mouse wireless?: I have a trackpad.

Can you hook up your computer to your television?: I could; I just don't have the proper cords/cables for it since I've never had to connect my laptop to the TV. Plus I cast everything these days anyway, so.

How many times have you had the hiccups today?: I can't even remember the last time I had the hiccups...

Does weed smell good? Or no?: I'm personally not a fan.

Where do you see your closest friend in ten years?: Married, two kids, super successful and being very very very happy in her life.

What’s your favorite horror movie?: The Shining.

Pronunciation of your name, please?: Ro-bin.

Are/were you loud in class?: No. I hated the idea of being called out so I never chit-chatted with friends. Angela though liked whispering to me which always quietly bugged me because it always put me in danger of getting in trouble hahaha.

Do you cut out coupons but end up never using them?: I've never encountered coupons, not really a thing here.

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some-of-us-watch-the-sunset-too · 6 months

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Part one of my book/Story!

(unnamed so far)

A/N: i’ve been feeling super unmotivated to write about the outsiders lately so i figured i’d share what i’m working on in my free time! i started writing this during the lockdown in 2020 (god that feels like a lifetime ago) but i gave up on it before i could finish because i really had no clue where i was going with it. but i came back to it when i had some free time a few months ago because i couldn’t get the main characters out of my head, i felt like i just had to tell this story. so here i am! sorry this is such a boring looking post and i don’t expect it to get many likes- but let me know what you think!

Basic plot: the year is 1926 in post-war France. two strangers come across a murder scene one night but once they call for help any trace of the crime has disappeared. they must take it upon themselves to investigate these murders, and maybe learn not just secrets about the case, but some about themselves too. (i suck at writing summaries like this it’s basically a murder mystery that’s super gay too)

As I walked home I was pulled out of my thoughts by a chilling scream. I looked up to see a large figure standing over a man. He held a knife in his left hand. A crimson liquid splattered the walls of the alleyway and there was a pool growing around the body. I went to dive behind a stack of large crates but the figure spotted me. I choked out what sounded like a squeak. I couldn't scream, I didn't dare utter a word. I couldn't move even if I wanted to. It felt as though my bones had turned to lead. All The man did was put a finger to his lips to shush me and a moment later he climbed up a ladder onto the roof of a nearby building with such speed that for a fleeting moment I doubted if I had ever seen him in the first place.

I stood there motionless until yet another man stepped out from behind a bin at the other side of the alley. I came back to reality and pulled a knife out of my pocket. I held it up in a defensive position. I had thought the man may have been an accomplice until he ran for the body. He dropped to his knees. He desperately felt for a pulse, sighed and closed his eyes. “Dead. Nobody could have survived that much blood loss.” I didn't dare to lower my blade “who are you. What are you doing here?” The man got to his feet slowly and put his hands up. “I’m Louis, Louis De la Cour.” The man spoke in a quiet, trembling voice. “Please don’t hurt me. I’m nothing but a man trying to get home.” Even in the low light of the alley I could tell that the man, Louis, was smaller than me. I noted that he had ash blond hair. Suddenly, the reality of the situation hit me like a wave, my knife fell to the ground with a clatter. “What the hell is happening? That man is dead! What are we going to do?”I felt like there was a weight on my chest. I couldn't breathe. I looked at Louis, his expression was stony. “We need to get a police officer. We can both go back from where we came and see if we can find someone. If you do not find anyone, come back here in three minutes.”

We shook hands and walked away. What was happening? There was a dead man in that alleyway. If someone had seen us…we could be thought of as accomplices. We could be killed just because we were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I walked at a brisk pace with my hands in the pockets of my trousers. I found a police officer easily since we were quite close to the louvre. There were always officers around that area to try to ward off anyone with the intent to steal the art kept there. I explained what happened once I caught his attention. I still felt as though I couldn't breathe and I was aware of everything happening around me. I was aware of every person walking, each voice talking in hushed whispers and I was aware of every leaf falling from the trees in the late autumn breeze. Once I had finished recounting the events I witnessed the officer demanded I bring him to the scene of the crime. We walked in silence to the alley. I relaxed a little when I noticed Louis standing at the other end again. We both looked down to where the body lay, well- where the body once lay. it wasn’t there anymore?? “Boys? I thought you said there was a murder. well where is it?” The officer was visibly angry. I felt my face get red and I stayed silent. I hated to seem like a fool. The other officer added “go home boys. There’s no corpse here. No sign of a crime. I’ll remind you, making false claims is a punishable offence.” Louis clenched his jaw and spoke up. “I assure you sir, there was a body there. We stood on either side of the alley, there was blood everywhere. I saw it with my own eyes” he kept his voice very matter-of-fact yet he commanded attention. He had a presence. It caught me off guard how this small man could make anyone focus on him just by speaking.

The two policemen walked away, once they turned the corner, Émile and Louis heard one of them laugh and say ‘Stupid youths. They must have had too much to drink!’ The other replied with a monstrous laugh. Louis looked at me and said flatly ‘I need a drink.’ I replied with a simple. ‘Me too.’ With that we walked off in silence to find the nearest bar.

i am looking for any feedback on this so if you have any opinions/questions please either send it in my asks or dm me! i’m super excited to be working on this and i hope you are as excited to read it!

#dal talks #writing a book #how do we feel?#i’m really happy with it!#please share this

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majaloveschris · 1 year

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I always say we can talk about everything here, as long as we do it respectfully and don't cross the line I set for this blog. And I respect your viewpoint, but I don't believe I am who you believe I am.//

I am not the anon, but I think their hate is more directed at the fandom in general than you, but have decided to use you as their punching bag which is wrong.

You are absolutely right, you have the right to your feeling and assumptions on this situation and you should not be told how to feel. And you have never done of said anything to indicate that you do not respect other people’s opinion. You are one 3.5 blogs on this platform that has been absolutely amazing with the way you think.

If you don’t mind I would like to say a couple of things in regards to this situation because I do feel for the anon. I have personally blown up in another blogs inbox after they posted something that I didn’t agree with. I did apologise because it was not fair to them. I was in wrong because I took out my frustration on the wrong blog.

As a spectator, or someone who watched the fandom from a far and joined in 2020 after the lily james fiasco I can say that the fandom took a complete new shape after the new years 22 incident. And it was disgusting, disturbing, and absolutely mortifying to watch.

I have to say I lost respect to a lot of blogs on this site, especially OG blogs. I think blogs like you who properly and rightfully criticise Alba and co for the problematic things they do are getting lost in the noise others are making in the fandom, because lines are being crossed and boundaries are being pushed in the name of calling out everyone involved in the situation the the message is lost.

Now when people look at the problematic behaviour of Alba and co they will have to see the other hateful things fans have said and done along side them, the way the fandom went around the situation and talked about it and him got the message lost. And that is very frustrating. I have to agree with the anon on the part that he is being bullied and harassed and when it comes to the bigger picture people will only see that and it’s frustrating.

This place has turned into a place of hate and every little thing done is a new way to mock him and it is no longer fun. And when you try and reason or point out this behaviour you only get blocked or mocked or yelled at and this is not recent this has been happening since day one.

I’ll give you a personal example: I am 26 years old, and I look 15, it’s not just my face but my physical appearance, I am short and quite thing and have no great development so I actually look like I am barely grown up. When people started talking about how she looked and how disgusting it was it triggered me, because it made me there something wrong with, like I am not worthy of being noticed or that who ever liked me will probably be a creep or sometime of disgusting groomer. And that I should only date guys who look like they have not passed puberty so that the aesthetics of the relationship don’t look wrong ( and don’t come at me with age thing because I am talking about appearance) it was hurtful and I tried to say something ( and I feel like people will come at me for this) they attacked me, it took a long time to recover from what people were saying. I stepped away from the fandom because everyone was so awful.

Now the situation is a million times worse, because some people have taking it to a whole new lever, you cannot enjoy a picture of him without some mocking him, you cannot have a discussion or a little fun with someone turning the whole conversation nasty and hateful. I stopped going into his rages and unfollowed everyone because it was too much. People are using every simple piece of gossip and turns it and twisted in away to fit the narrative that he is an awful human being.

I personally don’t care about this whole situation, because this is Hollywood he could be doing so much worse TBH. I am probably one of the few people actually looking forward to his projects and cannot wait for them to come out. But it’s the hate has me stepping back and noting wanting to engage with him not him. Because at the end of the day we have no clue hate happens behind closed doors. I love gossip and I love to sit here and speculate but again the fandom took that away from people like me because of their behaviour.

Honestly after the photos came out from the new year I took a step back and took a look at everything as whole, and I realise that unfortunately this behaviour currently happening is not really that unbelievable, the way people were behaving from last year it’s actually shocking some blogs are not sending him “go kill your self” messages and I would not be shocked if that happens soon. And yes I know that a horrible disgusting thing to say but from the way certain people talk I would t shocked if they do say it and support it. I know this horrible and disgusting to say but when you look from the out side that’s where this fandom is going with it’s current behaviour. Don’t come at me for saying this but this is just my observation.

I just want to make it very clear that non of what I said is directed at you mod you are not included in what I said but this regarding the fandom and blogs in general. Like I said you are one of the three sane blogs on this hell side.

I am sorry for my English it’s not my first language and I hope my message come across properly and nothing gets taken out of context I tried my best.

I think the whole NYE thing was the last straw for a lot of people. I believe that the fact that people consistently connect every single woman who has ever breathed next to him or followed him, while many of them do not want him to be in an actual relationship, creates this strange contradiction. I remember a lot of people being against it before anything about her came out, or we started to believe it was all just a bad PR relationship because of her age, which I never really cared about because she is a grown up, the problem is that she doesn't act like one.

I still love Chris, and I believe that if he had known all of this about her at the very beginning, he wouldn't have signed a contract. Sometimes people say stuff about him that I find really cruel and unnecessary. I know he got himself into this on somewhat level, but bullying him won't solve anything.

I know how you feel, and this is one of the things you can't change, and nobody should be bullied because of it. I think it's natural that most people in their twenties look younger than their actual age, and there is nothing wrong with you. I believe the issue in her situation is the way she behaves and represents herself; this is why she appears so much younger in our eyes. Ana, for example, also has a "baby face," or whatever we call it, but she acts like a woman, a grown-up and mature person. But you shouldn't feel bad about the way you look, and people shouldn't make you feel this way either. You deserve love, and you can date whoever you want. You're an adult, and the way you wrote it all down shows that you're a mature adult, and the man you'll end up dating won't be a creep or whatever just because you look a little younger. I know sometimes what people say online can be hurtful, but a lot of people dislike Alba, so the things they said about her don't apply to you.

I understand you, and I'm glad you took a step back when you felt overwhelmed. Your mental health is the most important thing, and you did the right thing. I agree that we need to hold celebrities accountable, and they need to be called out when they do something bad or questionable. But there is such a big difference between calling somebody out and bullying or tearing them down. Death threats are never acceptable. I would never, ever send them on—even to those I hate the most—along with the "you should kill yourself" messages.

Your English is perfectly fine btw ❤️

#majaloveschris #chris and alba pr #cevans-love

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fahrni · 8 months

Text

Saturday Morning Coffee

Good morning from Charlottesville, Virginia! ☕️

Boy oh boy did I make a mistake last night. I stayed up until after midnight, Gracie woke me up at 3:30 to go out, then again at 5:30.

So, yeah, I need all the coffee this morning.

I hope you enjoy the links!

Reuters

Photoshop maker Adobe’s (ADBE.O) co-founder John Warnock died on Saturday aged 82, the company said in a statement early on Sunday.

Another legend gone.

R.I.P. Mr. Warnock.

Akela Lacy • The Intercept

A little over a week after a prosecutor in Georgia indicted former President Donald Trump for trying to overturn the results of the state’s 2020 presidential election, Republicans said they will use a new law to remove her from office.

I don’t understand the GOP. It’s clear the Orange Man is a criminal and needs to be brought to justice but their need for power overrides all else.

I’d expect violence to escalate if any of his cases are dropped.

Pathetic.

Kevin Purdy • Ars Technica

Dominic Szablewski grabbed that code before it disappeared and set about creating a version that’s not just a port. He rewrote the game’s rendering, physics, sound, and generally “everything everywhere.” He documented the project, put his code on GitHub, and has some version of a justification.

I haven’t looked at the code and probably never will but it would be interesting to see the diffs.

Something I learned a long time ago. Don’t be quick to judge others code. Someone else is eventually going to look at your code. Be kind.

The Onion

Texas Cancels School Over Concerns Extreme Heat Not Safe Environment For Shootings

I know it’s The Onion but I can believe Texas would do something like this.

Ben Lovejoy, Michael Potuck, and Filipe Espósito • 9to5mac.com

But yesterday, we learned that it had happened. Apple not only made a U-turn, supporting a Californian right to repair law it had previously opposed, but even went as far as actively endorsing it.

The only reason I can see for Apple’s 180 is they’ve discovered a new way to make a profit by doing it.

Vjeran Pavic • The Verge

The computer on Keegan McNamara’s desk is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. The machine sits on a light wood table, bathed in the sunlight coming into the second floor of McNamara’s Los Angeles house. McNamara, tall and blonde in jeans and a light khaki Carhartt jacket, walks over to the desk, sits down, and reaches over to hit the power button. Then he pauses. He forgot something. He digs into his pants pocket, pulls out his keys, picks a silver one, sticks it into a cylinder just to the right of the computer’s 8-inch screen, and turns.

I like this. A marriage of the warmth of wood and the cold of technology.

Annie Palmer • CNBC

Amazon is seeing some employees quit instead of moving to a new state as part of relocation mandate

I’m pretty sure we all knew there’d be a reckoning, even with return to office being unpopular.

Microsoft Excel • techcommunity.microsoft.com

Since its inception, Microsoft Excel has changed how people organize, analyze, and visualize their data, providing a basis for decision-making for the millions of people who use it each day. Today we’re announcing a significant evolution in the analytical capabilities available within Excel by releasing a Public Preview of Python in Excel.

This is a head scratcher. Excel has had a great language and IDE built in for years and years. It’s called Visual Basic for Applications and it’s truly great. In fact we had VBA integrated into Visio and you could do amazing things with it.

WillowTree Blog

Generative AI is transforming how we do business. But early adopters have discovered that large language models (LLMs) can occasionally provide responses that are out-of-left field, off-brand, heavily biased, or just plain wrong. The industry has termed these types of completions: hallucinations.

Developers, don’t let your LLM do drugs.

Strange Loop

Programming languages often prioritize either performance or ergonomics. Swift offers a unique modern type-safe low-ceremony approach taking the best of both worlds that scales from mobile apps to high-performance systems where previously memory-unsafe languages would be used. It also interoperates seamlessly with C and C++.

I’ve been waiting to hear about a high performance use of Swift. I expect we’ll see Swift make its way into an OS level component of macOS some day.

Dan Morrison • yardbarker.com

Hamlin went beyond picking a few crashes at the Coke Zero Sugar 400. In fact, he thinks NASCAR is going to have a crash fest on its hands, as he explained on the Actions Detrimental podcast.

This is the final weekend to make the playoffs and there are a few folks on the bubble. If the Xfinity race last night was any indicator of what’s to come tonight could be a real mess.

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starlight-edith · 11 months

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Let me try to respond to everything. I am someone who has cared about this since 2016, but has in-depth cared since 2020. I am a bisexual neurodivergent abuse victim, like Amber Heard.

People claiming that they are abused after their claim abuse is, unfortunately, a documented phenomenon. It is called DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Unfortunately because women are more likely to be physical abuse victims, and especially bisexual women are abused an astronomical rate compared to heterosexual cisgender men, DARVO often involves praying on people’s misogynistic stereotypes (gold digger, cheater, histrionic). This does NOT mean it does not ever happen, but it is much more likely to be false if say a much less powerful woman with less wealth by a factor of over ten, says, filed for a restraining order, called the cops, kept a private diary to herself, and took photographs of her injuries.

What you are actually describing for yourself is similar to what happened to Amber. Despite being a man, you were the victim to Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and offender. Do you know what Depp’s defenders, and he himself used to latch onto her? Saying that MeToo meant women were always believed and men never were. Her allegations came out before the MeToo movement. Both the idea that a 13-year-old could “want it” and have power over her / that a person could leverage a movement that did not exist, or that women were universally believed are blatant and disgusting lies.

It is people acting as if the plain obvious truth of who has more power hinges on whatever lefties on twitter are saying. A trans boy before being abused by a 16 year old has no power. Neither does the person who is over two decades younger than a celebrity who was previously in a public pedophilic relationship with a 17-year-old and has a history of dating much younger women, who controlled where her closest friends lived and who was most famous for being his wife. Just because people can twist it using causes like “understanding the patriarchy” or “protecting male victims of abuse” doesn’t change the obvious truth. It’s not that either of those causes are wrong, but they do not apply in reality here. Also I am very sorry about what happened to you, and I hope it doesn’t feel like I’m overstepping to compare this.

I’m also an autistic person and an autistic woman and I’ve cried uncontrollably at seemingly random times when recounting my trauma just like Amber did on the stand. You’re right that body language analysis is garbage pseudoscience and has always been used to police and judge vulnerable people (using or actual police and carceral system to lock up people of color, disabled people, and LGBT people at a higher proportion than anyone else).

On other things about the case, I could go on and on and on about all of the fabrications Depp made and howe every one of them is debunkable. From the idea that the “burn and rape her corpse” texts were venting because claimed during the trial she was an “angel” at that time, to the idea that she shit in his bed and pretended it was the dog (he was actually the one DOCUMENTED to have wanted to make her step in his poop and pretend it’s their dog and sent this ideas to friend).

I agree that being an addict does not inherently make you abusive, but he blacked out frequently and had underlying jealousy and anger issues. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the pictures from the “finger incident” (the one where he claims she somehow exploded his finger off by throwing a bottle, yes you hear that right – and she claims he smashed it off in a rage), but he dipped his bloody finger stump in paint and while high and drunk and scrawled messages slut shaming her and telling her to “be careful at the top” – his team also has texted her apologies for kicking her while he was “blacked out” on a plane (that they tried to deny existed before he accidentally sent over more on his phone than he thought), and he called himself “the monster.”

His addiction was so bad that he involved Heard heavily in his recovery process and initially called her an “angel” to her mother and talked about how he would be dead without her. Addiction does NOT make a person inherently violent, but it can bring the worst out in you when you are already struggling, and it’s important to understand that it’s precisely because not everyone acts that way that it’s ultimately your responsibility what you do when you’re using substances.

As for the meme itself, I understand it’s a bit crass, and I don’t like the way it’s talked about so flippantly, but you have to understand that 95% of the internet were in Depp’s corner memeing rape testimony. That’s not the same thing as referring to Depp as Jack Sparrow. I think the point of it isn’t to make fun of him for being a silly pirate, it’s to make fun of fans who parasocially view him as a character he played instead of trying to understand what really happened and view things objectively. And it’s true that the hate campaign against her was full of sexism. I’ve seen people in left wing spaces crawl out of the woodwork and speak like 4 channers.

We have to acknowledge the misogyny on social media in the Depp vs. Heard case when the republican party posted a meme of Jack Sparrow after Depp won the case, when we are getting more and more fascist in this country every day. If this had somehow happened to a prominent trans man against an older and more powerful woman, it would also be necessary to acknowledge transphobia and point out if people had illogical parasocial attachments to the abusive woman. I don't like the way it's said completely, but I don't think it's making fun of male victims or even of Johnny Depp to point it out - and part of the snippiness or haughtiness is probably because of how hard it's been to hold onto the minority position of supporting Heard against a wave of support for Depp and bigotry surrounding it.

I’m sorry he what now-

Elvis part 2 electric boogaloo???

TL; DR feel free to not read the rest:

I think we’re on the same page here.

The online leftist space oftentimes makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It’s very reactionary. I’ve been harassed for asking simple questions I was genuinely confused about under the assumption that I was trying to “provoke” people.

A lot of people especially online like to think that they could never fall for propaganda but it happens every day. It happened to me several times, it’s happened to you, it’s happened to whoever else may be reading this right now.

Originally I felt as though heard’s retelling of the staircase thing seemed incredibly disjointed and false. Depp’s version made more sense and was more put together. But I can think back to the times my abusers told me “oh I abused you? Give me one example then” and when I blanked they screamed at me saying “if you have to think about it that long it didn’t happen” but that’s just not true. Our brains do weird things to protect us. I don’t remember half the abusive shit that happened to me, and when I do, it’s disjointed just like Amber Heard’s retelling. My abusers often leveraged the fact that they were being cool and logical and I was being emotional and nonsensical as a way to prove that I was lying.

I think exclusively consuming the case through channels like Observe and Todd Grande (they’re buddy buddy and often recommend each others videos to their fans) really impacted my opinions. When someone states their opinion as fact and then (Cherry picks) evidence that backs it up, it’s easy to just take their word for it. Sources: Dude, Trust Me

When Piper (Observe’s ex spouse who appeared on his channel often) came out about her experiences being abused I didn’t want to believe it because this guy was a comfort YouTuber to me at the time and I held their relationship as this shining example of what healthy love is supposed to be. I assume it might be similar for other people with depp although I truly don’t understand how someone could get that attached to an actor simply because they play a cool character. Some of my all time favorite characters are played by shitty people that I despise (Shatner was jealous of nimoy because he was more popular with the fans and literally stopped being friends with him up until he fucking died of cancer all out of spite, Micheal Shanks quit Stargate because he wasn’t “getting enough airtime” when he had multiple episodes dedicated to his character and had several main plot story arcs that spanned literal seasons).

I’ve definitely had parasocial relationships with creators I cared about. I was devastated when I realized that CreepShowArt was a horrible abusive person. I was devastated when iiluminaughtii, whose entire channel is dedicated to criticising corruption, was found to be not only corrupt but entirely morally bankrupt. I was devastated when Ned was proven to be an adulterer because he was the only example in my life at the time of a healthy and loving relationship.

But I didn’t harass people over it. I didn’t defend CSA to my last dying breath. It took me about two weeks to be convinced that she was guilty but only because she was the first. The other two I was convinced about in three days or less.

Obviously all of this is super tied to emotions for me even though I couldn’t care less about the people involved.

Bringing in false equivalencies to rope people like myself in was probably by design. The “market” of abused men is DESPERATE to be seen, valued, believed, and having someone as big as Johnny Depp proving our point skyrocketed the cause so much further.

But you know what I’ve noticed? They only care when it’s Johnny depp. I still get told by complete fucking strangers that my abuse wasn’t real and that I should suck it up and be a man. Unfortunately I’m not a millionaire celebrity that people really like.

The online leftist movement on its face is very progressive, but only when it comes to people they like. It’s like rainbow capitalism, on its face that’s great, we’re getting support, but the minute you look deeper you realize that it’s all performative. Walmart doesn’t care about my rights, crazyfrog69 on Twitter doesn’t actually care about male abuse victims, they want social points for being on the “right” side of the debate.

Being left is all about going against the status quo, radical acceptance, supporting everyone and anyone even if we don’t like or understand them. But now it’s about looking good instead of actually fighting for what’s right. It’s exactly like the current trend of punk/grunge clothing that comes from hot topic. Our clothes aren’t ripped for aesthetics, Janet, they’re ripped because we refuse to participate in capitalist fast fashion and look what you turned our movement into.

I’m starting to think this entire trial was just everyone’s excuse to participate in more performative activism just like the stupid black squares on Instagram.

This is just depressing.

#I really hope nobody reading this is named Janet #I hate saying shit like this because I sound like a Republican #like I’m not Ben Shapiro I beg of you I’m on your side!!!#I don’t really feel accepted in any political space anymore #I know several internet leftists are going to brand me a alt right extremist for this take and that just makes me sad #I miss Obama what happened to that? everything was so much better back then #(or maybe it was better because I was 6 and had no concept of politics)

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kpophubb · 1 year

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Good morning sunshine🧡💛💛💛

How did you sleep?

2:26 📨

Utube dilemma 👹

Lifestyle insp

Memories 🔐

Me if I were

US 🎵

lixie is sending u new pics ~~ 🫧 ; for good mood uuuu 🤘🏻🫵🏻💋 ;

volunteers to take care of you when I'm gone;;; I wanted to attach my piccc but I'm not pretty😭 I know you will argue, because of your angelic nature,

Wishing you as always I lovely day can a way to hear from you ~,hope to talk to you soon ❤️Wait for me❤️

* 🐁 🌙 * hope all the links are workin 🙈

ꕺ♡ 💌 : ….𝕿𝖔 𝙼𝚈 нуυηวιη … ꕺ♡

♡..hi my darling!! First to tell you that all the links are working🥺 and I viewed everything and I’m so 💖💖 the felix smiling pics, voice message on bubbles, gyu kisses and gyu volunteer 🥹 how on earth are you soooo cute?? You always know how to make me smile <3

♡..I know many people find felix’s voice super sexy ( and I do too sometimes) but most times, it’s just so soothing and relaxing for me tbh. He’s my comfort person. I see him more as my ball of sunshine and my sweet dose of serotonin so hearing his voice always calms me down and relaxes me. Especially the good night messages and words of consolation. 🥺🤍

♡.. I liked our playlist, my love. I’ll be hearing all the songs soon (even tho some of them I already heard). I am so in love with the emojis you added as titles aww.

♡…my week has been so so¿ I mean at the beginning it was super fun bc I felt so active and healthy, my best friend came over at my place and we spent the whole day together 😍 and then the day after, it was my niece’s 6 months. So we had a home party w some guests and I dressed up and had a lot of fun with her! But then..I fell super sick and now my health and mood is all SO BAD I have been snapping at everything bc I feel like crap 💔

♡..your memories board is so cute..😭🤍 it’s melting my heart. I am so flattered and ngl my eyes feel watery at the amount of love you’re showing me. It feels so heart warming to see you have captured every detail of our conversation and I’m just🥹🥹 and Awwh! Yes 100% I’m real. If you ever wanna see me or hear my voice to confirm, let me know okay?? I don’t mind declaring to you confidently that you’re super precious to me and I’m and will always be here.

♡…I also take inspiration from YouTube videos..tiktok videos and mostly Pinterest! They all inspire me and motivate me for my dream self lol. I have 2 acc on Pinterest , one for kpop+ anime & the other one is my personal acc. It’s here if you’re interested to know more about me personally haha.

♡…I’m very happy to be here for you. I feel so glad I can make you feel safe and accepted cause that’s all I ever wanted to make you feel. 💛 I’m still glad I could be there during your bad times those months, and I could see you getting up. I can’t wait to be here for you through the rest of your growth.

♡..and oh my god anonie!! That’s scam!! Pls go reclaim your money baby. I can understand your feelings lmao, I’m always changing my looks or style bc it feels renewing kinda?! I’m sure you’d look great with perm! <3 I’d love for you to show me too. I’m someone who speaks up if someone infront of me is wronged but weirdly enough..when I’m wronged, I stay quiet? Idk I just let it go when it comes to me. But I’m so glad you have ambitions to portray Justice and stand up for people.

♡….it’s okay if every year you take resolutions or plan something and can’t make it sweetie. It happens. I’ve been trying to be where I am since 2020, but finally at the end of 2022 I achieved my goals. Life has its own pace. I’m sure you can be the boss lady you want. 🫶🏻 and pls don’t feel like you haven’t done enough in life or life is passing away without you having done anything remarkable. Im sure even if your past has been filled w traumas and bad memories and no real progress, in the future great opportunities and memories await you. I believe it, truly. 💗 people are truly truly bad and the world is so warped and cruel I agree, 100% and life isn’t sunshine and roses. But at the end, we just have to see the good in every situation (even tho there’s not always good everywhere) and find joy in the small things no matter how trivial and hard it might seem. Baby steps to get there, remember love? I pray you’re always surrounded by nice people from now on who truly make you believe in the magic that you are. 💙

♡… noo, your thoughts aren’t a mess. I love hearing your mind, it’s fascinating how you have a lot of thoughts about things around you. It’s admirable. It never creeps me out or bothers me, so please rest assured and keep telling me everything you feel like. I’d love to be your human diary! <3

♡…no you aren’t childish!! Using emojis are cute and I feel like they help you understand your emotions better behind the message and words. Or else it’d be easy to misinterpret your words. Like if you say “it’s okay” after someone apologises to you it might seem like they’re still mad at you and upset but if you say “it’s okay☺️💗” the other person might be relieved and believe that you guys are truly on good terms now.

♡..and no I don’t mind you being older !! Omg pls don’t feel uncomfortable and think I’ll ever shut you out. Age is just a number, love. And just bc you’re older doesn’t mean you have to feel pressurised to take care of me or anyone younger than you or be more reserved and act mature. To hell with all those stupid rules and obligations made by society. Who cares? Just be you. I love taking care of people, no matter if they’re older than me. I’ll accept you just the way you are so you don’t have to filter yourself for me. I know it’s easier to open up if you’re keeping some things about you to yourself and being anonymous cause you can’t be judged at all, so you can keep doing that. No pressure hun. Take as much time as you need. I’m not running away and never will.

♡… there was a time I believed in astrology but growing up, I stopped? I don’t know it feels very unreal to me. Do humans really have the ability to deduce the events of the future? Idk I’m quite skeptical. But it’s cool to check horoscopes and be interested in it. The quotes are by ours truly, felix. So here’s one for today. 💛

ꕺ♡ ….💌 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 ƒєℓιχ 🌤️ ꕺ♥︎

[☁️….𝗹𝗼𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗮𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝗾𝘂𝗼𝘁𝗲] ⇘ ♡♡♡

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lunarbows · 1 year

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finding this post was surreal. i honestly i forgot i was in such a bad state at this point last year. grateful to not be in that headspace anymore.

this year literally began with me realizing that one of my family members is a malignant narcissist. their behavior only got worse as the year went on. but i'm now in a place of peace and acceptance with the situation.

i realized i'm definitely autistic. a lot of things that i never had an explanation for suddenly became clear. it gave me a better understanding of myself, a more of a complete picture of who i really am, and more determination to take care of myself in the right ways.

i finally cut off the person i thought i was in love with (still not sure if it was really love or hyper-fixation, and i'll probably never know). they have been weighing me down for almost 5 years, so i'm incredibly grateful to have finally found the strength to let them go. life is definitely better without them.

i've gotten so much better at accepting that the life i had before 2020 is gone. holding space for both the sadness and the acceptance has been really difficult, and it's still an ongoing process.

it definitely hurts to see people "moving on" as if nothing ever happened and like everything is fine now. it makes me feel borderline-manic at times. i also can't help but feel a bit jealous of all of those delusional people. but i just have to remember that i could never be like them, and there's no point in trying.

but something i realized just the other day is that things aren't radically different than before 2020 in terms of my (lack of) socializing. of course it would be wrong to say things are exactly the same, but there are a lot of similarities: i realized a long time ago that an ugly, marginalized person like myself has about a one in a million chance of finding someone (let alone multiple people) who are actually worth getting to know and won't lead me into more trauma than i've already dealt with. and that's still true. now there's an extra layer of horror with c19. but my thought process and my ways of dealing with this reality are largely unchanged.

i also realized that, since i can't go to concerts ever again, music doesn't hold much importance in my life anymore. in fact i realized that it was an unhealthy fixation, largely tied to the person that i was before 2020 - a person who frequently went to concerts and saw it as an integral part of enjoying music as a whole. now i feel much more comfortable in just listening to instrumental music, mellow music from artists that i don't know, or just listening to songs that i've known for years. there are also certain artists and songs that i stopped listening to entirely because, instead of giving me joy like they used to, they just reminded me of all that i had lost. i didn't realize i was breaking my own heart over and over by continuing to fixate on music. taking a step back was very necessary. i spent very little time this year listening to new music by my favorite artists, and i genuinely feel good about that.

ultimately i am very proud of myself, the boundaries that i've put up, and the progress that i've made.

#thoughts

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thearbitraries · 2 years

Text

hello again :)

it’s been a literal year since i’ve been here last, and damn, has it been a year.

when i left off, i felt like things couldn’t get weirder for me, ‘no way they can get worse!’ i thought.

boy was i wrong lol

2018, i graduated high school with: a plan, a boy after me, friendships i thought would last a lifetime, and my relationship with my family at an all-time high

2019, i realise that my plan has a tiny flaw: i am unsure about what to do. this has never happened to me before. the plan has always been perfect; it’s always been there for me, even when things get complicated they work out. i decide to take some *productive* time off and set off for a semester abroad. i move to england for three months to study psychology. the plan? fall in love with psychology. the execution? mmmm…. let’s just say things got… complicated.

i get involved with a guy, a guy who, mind you, is significantly older than me and oh, is also in a position of power. after my stint abroad i return home with another plan: move to england permanently and execute the plan (go to uni, get a degree in psych, become a clinical psychologist… make my parents proud?) there.

2020, the year the pandemic hits <3

i go through immense pain while abroad: my relationship is (unsurprisingly) horrible, i have no friends and am the loneliest i have ever been. i am terrified of living the rest of my life this way; trapped in a horrible place with horrible people away from those i love. weirdly, the pandemic saved my life. i was forced to move back home, leaving my partner behind and the distance allowing me to see things for what they were with him: abusive. i break things off and focus on the one thing that has always been in the plan: going. to. university.

for as long as i can remember, going to university and being a student has been my #1 personality trait. i was always the “golden child”, the one who was destined for great things. i had (and still have) a fear of never living up to those expectations.

when i got my acceptance letter, i cried so much i didn’t know if i was happy, sad, relieved or exhausted. i was just excited that i was inching closer to ticking off “going to uni” from my checklist.

but having a global health crisis tends to hinder plans a bit, including making travel and in-person classes an impossibility. so i decided to defer a year so i could start my college experience with “the right foot”.

i dedicated that year to working on myself; 2020 was the year i “cleaned up my act”. therapy, diagnoses, workshops and clean eating; that was my game.

i figured out so much about myself that year that it only left me with more questions about what the heck i was doing.

figured it was normal. it was, but it made everything more complicated (for good).

2021, this meant setting off for uni.

great start! everyone’s happy lucy is finally starting her degree! yay!! i felt like my life was just starting; like everything i had worked for was starting to culminate here.

indeed, everything i had ever worked for was for that: to get to uni, to make my parents proud… to achieve a dream that wasn’t mine and satisfy a version of lucy that’s never been real.

i hate it here.

well, not really, you know. i love living abroad, on my own. i love freedom, going to the supermarket, listening to my podcast on the way back from the gym, grabbing drinks with friends and learning new things. a dream come true!!

however, i hate WHY this is. i hate doing this for the wrong reasons. i am not studying something i love, i am not looking after myself… getting up in the mornings is hard because it means i have to look at myself in the mirror and see the image of someone who is not me, looking directly into my eyes.

i am not happy here. i am not happy like this.

have i ever been happy with this?

not really… so i decide to question it. why am i here? who am i here for? what do i want?

all of these questions lead back to a single conclusion: i want to be happy, to do things for me. i want to start living for myself, to get to know who that is.

2022, i decide to drop out against all wishes from my folks. every argument i make, every sentence i say about how i am pursuing my happiness falls on deaf ears; they do not care about that, they only want to see me succeed.

for the first time in my life, i do something for myself and not for them. i go against their wishes. i drop out.

when i received my withdrawal email i didn’t cry; the most peaceful smile crept on my face so slowly i barely noticed it at first. tears welled in my eyes; i was so happy that it didn’t make sense. how could i feel so both at peace and nervous at the same time?

the answer? i am at peace with my decision. hell, i am HAPPY. i have never been able to say that with chest. “lucy, doing something SHE wants”. feels good :)

nervous….. i am nervous about my parents, about how this decision means i not only went against what they want for me, but i let my whole family down. i am not who they thought (or raised me) to be, and i am a disappointment to everyone.

a golden child… what i once was to them is now but a mere false idol resting in a box in their attic.

and… im fine with that.

it was hard, i have never been in a worse place with them than i am now. and yet, everything is great! i am in love with being happy, it is an addicting and thrilling feeling. nothing can take it away from me.

it is funny how this duality is paradoxical in theory, but applicable in my real life. the thought of being happy about a decision i am made to feel terrible about kept me from thinking about myself for 21 years. now that i have finally done it i will never go back.

my family likes to remind me that my defining trait is being kind; to them that means that i put others before myself. i do do that, to an unhealthy level i must admit. but now, now i have learned that self sacrifice is not intrinsic to kindness; you can be kind and also look out for yourself. you do need to put your oxygen mask on before you do so for others.

so i do rejoice in the fact that my decisions have brought me happiness; i am finally glad that the plan didn’t work.

sometimes you have to throw away the pen, the planner and the schedule. planning out every hour of the day does not allow for life’s creative twists and turns to happen; and it’s a shame when you realised you’ve missed out on getting to experience them.

for me, that was missing out on knowing MYSELF!

and the only plan i have is to never let that happen again.

now, i am on the path to discovering who i am, what i want and how i want to get there; no planning involved. (well, just a little. life does get complicated without timekeeping).

as only one of the millions of strangers floating around in this universe, i can only do what we all have to: have fun on the way. and i intend on enjoying every second of it :)

i’ve learned that life…. life is complicated. no amount of labels, plans… control for that matter, can prevent destiny and, well, at the end of the day everything happens for a reason. we can only accept the things that happen, learn from them and grow :)

i used to hate hearing hearing people say to “let things happen”, but, i gotta admit that it is pretty catchy.

i hope to update this soon, 2023 here i come.

and, white void, thank you for letting this post exist somewhere within you. appreciate you <3

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witchymagicmae · 2 years

Text

I don't exactly know what this is but I need a place to talk about what is happening to me and in my life and since this is the place where nobody knows me I feel like I can talk. I am progressively getting sicker and more crippled with arthritis and I am only 46. I have known for over 20 years that something has been seriously wrong and no doctor would listen to me. I was gas-lit and told I was crazy all the time. I went from Doctor to doctor, I was put on antipsychotic medications, antidepressant, everything I didn't need. So, at the age of 40 I decided to go back to school and became a medical assistant just so I could find out more about myself and be taken seriously. After I graduated top of my class and was hired out of my practicum at a doctor's office I immediately befriended a doctor and she started investigating for me and in 2017 I found out that I have severe Progressive spondyloarthropathy along with other things that I didn't even know existed including vasculitis and bilateral hip dysplasia. All I wanted was for someone to believe me. Now fast-forward to 2020 and I get the Pfizer vaccine for covid and it almost killed me. It exacerbated my vasculitis it catapulted me into early menopause and changed my very existence. I've already had a very traumatic, long and painful life full of betrayals and now my body is betraying me more than I could possibly ever imagine. The most unfair thing about all of this as I finally reconnected with my twin flame, the love of my life and he can barely touch me without causing me so much pain. This is the first time I've ever posted anything like this anywhere so I just I have to start somewhere I guess. I am writing a book full of bad memories, vivid dreams and hopes for a better future. I'm recording all of this and writing all of this down because I need it on record. I've been silenced for too long. I have had friends and family not believe me, not be there for me and it's interesting how fast everyone disappears when they realize how they treated you. I am just grateful that the Universe ordered this out for me and I would rather have nobody than have toxic people around me that don't support or try to understand me. Fuck all of everyone who didn't believe in me.

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angstysebfan · 3 years

Text

The Past Can Break You - 3

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

AU: Avengers

Summary: You and Bucky have been dating for aa few years. As far as you’re concerned he is the one. But what happens when a blast from the actual past shows up?

A/N: Ive seen a lot stories of Bucky getting his first love from the 40′s back. And I’ve always wondered... what would happen if he was dating someone already? Reader is from this time. Not proofread.

Warning:

Bucky tried for several hours to try and get you to open the door. You ignored him, not wanting to see him because you were so angry with him. He promised he would change and make more time for you, and then he leaves you in the middle of sex for her! Dot is his priority, as far as you’re concerned. You roll your eyes as you think about the “trauma” she had. You know she is using their past to manipulate him, and he is being stupid and letting her. Well now he must face the consequences for his actions.

You stare up at the ceiling of your old room as you again, for the millionth time, hear the knock and pleads of your boyfriend from the other side of the door. “Please, baby. Open up. I’ll let you scream at me, you can even hit me. I know I deserve it. Just let me see you, please,” he begs.

God this is getting pathetic, you thought. You sigh and figure it’s time to give him an earful and some food for thought. You walk over to the door and unlock it, before opening it to reveal Bucky looking disheveled. He still has no shirt on, just his sweats from last night.

“What could you possibly want me to say to you, Bucky? You obviously made your choice in this. You are allowing Dot to manipulate you to keep you away from me. She wants you back, and it’s completely obvious. You say you want to prioritize me, but you prioritized her! I’ve tried to be calm and understanding to what she is going though, but enough is enough!” you yell, causing Bucky to flinch.

He opens his mouth to speak but you continue, “Ever since she found out that we are dating, she has made it her sole mission to separate us. Do you even care that your actions are killing me? Do you even care that I have cried myself to sleep so many times at night that I forgot how to fall asleep without crying? Do you even care that you are shattering my heart with your actions?!” you yell as tears fall down your face.

Bucky now has tears falling as well as he takes in your words. He didn’t realize just how bad he had made the situation. He needed to fix this. He couldn’t lose you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he can’t believe that has been so stupid. He walks up and wraps his arms around you, allowing you to cry in his chest. He buries his face in your neck and cries also.

You don’t know how long you have been standing in your doorway crying, but after some time you pull away. Bucky looks at you with sad eyes, “Tell me it’s not too late for me to fix this. I-I don’t want to lose you,” he says in a raspy voice.

You sigh and look down, “I think I need some time to think about things. You need to figure out where your priorities lie. I’ll stay in here for a bit until I’m ready and then we can talk, okay?” you ask.

It breaks your heart to see the distraught nature of Bucky’s face at your words, but you need him to understand how his actions have made you feel. He nods and quickly pulls you into a hug and then slots his lips on yours in a heated kiss. When you pull away he looks you dead in the eyes, “I’m going to make this right. I am going to show you that you, and you alone are what I want and need. That you are my top priority. I promise,” he says.

As he turns and walks away, you can’t help but say, “Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep.”

Bucky stops and looks at you sadly. He really messed up. He finally turns away and walks back to your shared room, that he will now live in alone. When he closes the door he slides down to the ground and openly sobs. How could he be so stupid. How could he not see what was happening. Now he might lose the love of his life because of his past.

Dot is sitting in her room, feeling rather victorious. She overheard your argument with Bucky, and knows that now that you are separating yourself from Bucky, she will have a better chance to win him back. She sighs at the thought of having her love back with her. She was surprised that he didn’t take her back immediately, as she was his first love. Yes, ok so it was like 80 years ago, but I mean the fact that they were both together after all this time, must be fate.

Suddenly her door opens and shows the man she has been thinking about. Dot looks up and smiles, “Hey Jamie! What’s wrong?” she asks, deciding to pretend she is innocent and knows nothing. Always worked with guys. So easy.

“We need to talk, now,” Bucky says, anger evident in his voice.

Dot’s smile disappears. She figured he would be upset, but not angry, and not at her. “What’s going on?” she asks with a furrow of her brow.

“This is over, Dot. Whatever you are trying to do, it’s done. I know you are dealing with a lot, but you need to start figuring it out for yourself. I am done putting you before Y/N,” he says.

Dot can’t help but roll your eyes. “Oh is she upset with you again Jamie? I mean I understand being slightly threatened by our past, but she obviously doesn’t trust you. If she can’t trust you, then she isn’t good enough for you. Maybe it’s time for you to cut your loses and return to me,” Dot said.

“She has every reason to be upset! I’ve neglected her! I just want to know... are those panic attacks that you have even real,” he asks.

Dot feigns being offended, “How dare you! Of course they are! Look at all I have gone through! I volunteer for something back in the 40′s and wake up in 2020′s. There is a lot of thoughts and feelings I feel and I don’t know how to process them! Is she saying I am lying?”

“I am saying you are lying. You always seem fine when we are together, but the moment I go to my girlfriend you start freaking out. You are trying to keep me away from her,” Bucky says, his voice raising.

“I feel comfortable with you, Jamie! I love you! Of course I feel better when you are near! It’s not my fault you tried to move on! But tell me this, if you don’t love me like you did, and you love her, why then did you constantly leave your girl for me? You obviously are still in love with me! So dump the girl and let’s be together!” Dot yelled.

“You’re crazy! Seriously you are delusional! You use me being a good friend and a gentleman against me to separate me from the woman that I truly love. Well it stops now! You need to get your ass in gear because it will take me nothing to turn you out of the compound to fend for yourself. If Steve and I can make it work, so can you. And your trauma is nothing compared to what we have gone through. So get yourself together and figure your life out. I am done playing these games with you!” Bucky says before leaving Dot’s room.

Dot sat there stunned at the last outburst. If Bucky thinks that she will go down without a fight to the death for him, then he doesn’t know her at all. Dot always gets what Dot wants. No matter the cost.

Bucky knocked on Natasha’s door, trying to calm himself down from his conversation with Dot. Nat opened the door and immediately tried to close it, “Nat please! I need your help,” Bucky begged.

She rolled her eyes and allowed him in. He sat there and told her everything about what happened last night, and this morning with Y/N and Dot. Natasha smacked him upside the head at least 4 times for being dumb. When he was done explaining everything he looked sadly at Natasha, “So will you help me? I have a plan that will allow Y/N the time she asked to think, while also showing her that she is my priority. She is the love of my life. Please?” Bucky begged.

Nat knew how much you and Bucky loved each other. She knew how happy you both were, so she agreed to help. Bucky laid out the plan to Nat and they both agreed to set it in motion. Bucky felt better already. He told off Dot, got your best friend to help him, and now all he needed was to win you back. He hoped he wasn’t too late.

Chapter 2 / Chapter 4

Dot is trouble! What plans does he have up her sleeve? Will the reader forgive Bucky? Does he deserve it? 🤷🏻‍♀️Feedback is appreciated!

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the-bau-quinjet · 3 years

Text

Always

Summary: You overhear Steve talking to Bucky about going back to be with Peggy. Rather than confronting the situation, you write him a letter.

Warnings: I cried just thinking about writing this, so much angst, some swearing

Word Count: 3305

a/n: here it is folks: the sad fic I mentioned a few posts ago. Inspired by a multitude of songs from the album Ashlyn by Ashe. I high key recommend listening to that album while you read or just in general. I'm pretending like nobody died in Endgame because that shit is sad and I know this is sad aside from that, but I still have a heart ya know?

Per usual, any song lyrics (or song lyrics that I changed a bit) are in bold! I think used lyrics from Me Without You, Save Myself, I'm Fine, Love is Not Enough, and Always.

Masterlist

"You'd really want to go back?" You overheard Bucky right before you walked into Steve's room.

"I don't know." He let out a deep sigh. "I mean, I do know, but what do you think?" Steve's answer left you wondering what they were discussing.

"All for Peggy?" Your heart stopped waiting for Steve to reply.

Another sigh escaped his lips. You could easily picture him running his hands down his face, a signal he was deep in thought. "I mean, I never got a chance to see what would happen with her. Don't you think she deserves this much?"

You felt frozen. You couldn't hear the rest of Steve's answer or Bucky's reply over the sound of blood rushing through your ears.

It was all too much to handle. Rather than confront the grab bag of emotions swimming inside of you, you turned around and went back to your room in a zombie like haze.

"Friday, don't let anyone in my room."

You know the AI replied, but you were still too caught up in thought to understand it. Your mind was full of questions you knew you couldn't figure out the answers to alone.

Why would Steve want to go back for Peggy when he had you? Why would he even consider it if he loved you like he said he does? Is he still in love with Peggy? Has he been in love with her the whole time? Why would he choose her when he's spent so much more time with you?

"Y/N?" The sound of Steve's voice outside your door startled you. "Y/N, honey, are you in there?"

You could hear the doorknob rattling in his attempt to open it, but Friday was doing as you asked.

"I thought you were going to meet me downstairs?"

His words only broke your heart more, a small sniffle escaping despite your efforts to remain quiet.

"Are you not feeling well? What's wrong?"

His questions were left unanswered, much like the questions swimming around your head.

Steve kept talking to you through the door for a while, but you never replied. You weren't ready to face him, not until you knew you wouldn't say something you'd later regret.

The next few days carried on much the same. You refused to leave your room, relying on various snacks and protein bars you had for food. Every few hours, you would try to write down what you were feeling, but it didn't help calm you down the same way it typically did.

Everyone tried talking to you, but nothing worked. Steve spent hours outside your door every day in an effort to get you to talk to him, but you just couldn't figure out your emotions. It was all still too much to handle.

Late one night, Steve said something that forced you into action.

"Y/N, I don't know what happened, but if I did something I'm truly sorry. I'm returning the stones tomorrow. We've never not said goodbye before a mission... I just hope this one is the same."

You listened as he quietly walked back down the hallway, steps slowly receding until you were left in the same absolute silence you've spent the last few days.

You knew you had to talk to him, but hearing him say to your face that he's staying with Peggy would kill you.

You couldn't survive a permanent goodbye, not in your current state of mind.

After a few minutes of silent contemplation, you decided to write Steve a letter. Maybe you'd give it to him or maybe it would just help you organize your thoughts. Either way, it would be helpful to write to someone for a change.

Hi Steve,

I, well, I guess I'll start with this. You deserve an apology. I'm truly sorry for ignoring you for the past few days. I just... I heard what you said to Bucky and I didn't know how to deal with it.

You know I've never been the best at controlling my emotions, so I just holed myself up in here. I avoided you so I could figure out my own feelings first.

I know I should talk to you. You deserve that too, but I don't think I could survive the heartbreak. I guess I'll try to explain everything I've been thinking and feeling since that night.

Honestly, I'm not sure where to start. It feels kind of stupid to say, but I obviously experienced a range of emotions when I first heard you and Bucky talking about going back.

You know I've always found solace in writing, so that's what I'm doing. I needed a way to clear my thoughts, and it turned into this concoction of thoughts and some poems - you know how I feel about poems. (Look at that! A sarcastic comment! I didn't think I was capable of humor anymore.)

This might not surprise you, but the first emotion I clung to was anger. I'm not angry anymore, well at least not as angry. Anyway, I wrote this next part when I was absolutely pissed at you.

What the fuck?

You want to go back in time and stay there?

You want to leave me behind?

Steve, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I could keep you here. If I really wanted to, I could figure out a way to do it. I could cut the brakes just to keep you from leaving. I'll do it too. My hands on the wheel would drive us into a wall.

You must think I'm being petty. Hiding in my room like a child to avoid you. All the while, here I am writing all the things I could do to keep you. Well, news flash: I don't need you. You made me think the only world I could exist in, was one you lived in, almost had me fooled.

Here's something you probably never considered, because I sure as shit never thought I'd even need to. I can be me without you. I don't have to rely on you for my own happiness. I thought you loved me, but if you want to go back and be with Peggy, do it. Go find yourself, let me down.

It's easy to sit here now and look back on how everything we had would always be second string to your relationship with her. God damn hindsight's 2020.

I want you to know, you did this to me. You broke my heart. When I heard you say you wanted a chance to be with Peggy, it's like my whole world crumbled down around me.

Everything I thought I knew was ripped out from under me. You poured rain all over my sunny. Yeah, someday, this could all be funny, but right now it's absolute shit.

And maybe everything will work out the way it's meant to be, but honestly I couldn't give less of a shit about that right now.

If I had the chance, I would take it back. Everything. Meeting you. Becoming friends. Dating you. Falling in love. I'd be jumping off your sinking ship, instead of going down with it.

It'd be so much easier that way. If I never fucking knew you.

One day I'll be good. I'll be over all of this bullshit. Right now I'm just mad. And you know what, it's justifiable. I think I'm allowed to be mad at you.

I'm over being so mature. If only I was never yours. Maybe I'll go back in time and undo it all. Then at least I could save myself from you.

Like I said, I wrote that in the heat of the moment. Once my brain caught up to my ears, all I saw was red. Anger didn't last as long as you might think though.

All that was how I felt in the moment, but I want you to know it's not true. I don't really believe any of it. I was hurt and angry and avoiding the pain I knew was just around the corner.

I've always told you anger would be my downfall because I just can't control what I say.

Let me be completely clear, I would never want to undo meeting you. You've been the best part of my life for years. I need you to know that I don't regret any of it and I never will.

Anyway, the anger shifted to tears pretty quickly. It wasn't hard to feel the pain that comes with someone you love leaving you. I can't honestly picture a world where I don't love you.

This is the first poem I wrote. With tear blurring my vision, I put pen to paper and this is what came out.

Complicated. Understated. On the way to, Devastated. I'm just holding on for dear life.

Short and sweet, right? Well, not so much sweet, but you get the point. I feel broken. Here's another bit of poetry for ya.

Right now I'm sorry, Burns through me darling, But I can't help hope In thirty years it won't.

Maybe I just need time. That's what everyone always says. "Time can heal all wounds."

It's hard to even think about moving on though when everything reminds me of you. I've got emotional souvenirs from fleeting moments we spent together. If this is the end, I'll always know you were my golden years. I know in the future I could close my eyes and go back there.

Maybe that's the hardest part. Knowing I'll always have these memories.

All I've been thinking about for the past three days is if this will ever feel better. And maybe it will, when time has passed.

Maybe when I'm older, I'll run out of stories about you. Maybe when I'm older, I'll know what it's like not to love you, Anymore.

Despite my best efforts, it's still only a maybe. Maybe when I'm older I'll be able to stop thinking about you every second of the day. Maybe when I'm older I won't feel like crying everytime I see your face.

But maybe not. Maybe I'll always feel this way.

Maybe when I'm six feet, underneath the concrete, I'll know what it's like not to want you, anymore.

I'm not saying all this to make you feel guilty. You don't need to tell me you're sorry. I know you are. I know you would never hurt me like this without a reason.

I should just talk to you, but I don't think I can. Not yet. We don't need to talk til we're ready. Both of us.

I guess I do have one question. Do you really love me?

I don't think I want to know the answer right now. Because even if you do... it takes a lot more than a rose, more than a kiss, more than a heart to truly love someone and spend forever with them.

It takes a lot more than a ring, more than a vow, more than a promise to build and maintain a relationship.

Love is not enough. I know that now. Even if you love me to the best of your abilities, you could still love Peggy more. Love may not be enough for us, but at least we got that much.

If you leave, I'll live the rest of my life grateful that at least I got your touch for as long as I did.

I used to think we could take our sweet time, that everything would be just fine. But now I know maybe not.

I cried for days. Like I said, I'm not writing this to make you feel guilty though. I just want to be completely honest. I cried a lot, probably more than I ever have before.

I kept replaying memories of time I spent with you. Not even dates, just the small moments that made me know I love you.

Like that day I woke up too early, almost put salt in my coffee. Oh I thank God that you stopped me before that.

I've never been a morning person, but ever since I met you you've always been there to keep my head on straight.

I think the thing I love most about you is how you can read me better than anyone I've ever known. I can hide from everyone else and they won't bat an eye. They never can tell when I'm falling apart on the inside.

No matter how hard I try to hide it though, you don't believe me when I say I'm alright. You can always, always tell.

It's like you've got a sixth sense that tells you I need you when I try to say I'm fine.

Before I met you, I would get so lonely everyday. Now I'm only lonely until you ask if I'm okay and then I remember that I have people who are there for me. I have you.

All this to say, I love you, Steve. I love you more than I've ever loved another human being.

Forever yours,

Y/N

It took you nearly all night to write a coherent letter and come up with a plan to talk to Steve. A quick glance at the clock let you know Steve would be up any minute, so you had to act fast.

You opened your door for the first time in days, running in a full sprint to the stairs and down the hall to Steve's door.

With one final burst of courage, you shoved the letter under the door and ran away before anyone could find you out of your room.

"Y/N?" A familiar knock on your door woke you from a restless sleep. "I read your letter, Y/N please let me explain."

It felt like time slowed down as you stared at the door.

"Y/N, I have to bring the stones back, but I really want to talk to you first."

"Come in." You steadied yourself with a deep breath, but one look at Steve ruined your flimsy resolve.

"Y/N... I tried to wait for you to come to me, but..."

He stopped talking when you shook your head, a painful sob forming in your chest.

"I've been thinking a lot." You started slowly, voice scratchy from days of not being used except to cry. "What if staying with me isn't the best thing to keep you happy?"

"Y/N, I-"

"Please let me finish." You waited for him to acknowledge your words before you spoke again.

"If letting you go is the best way to show that I love you, I will." Tears poured down your cheeks, breaths coming to you shakily.

"Captain Rogers, your presence is requested in the backyard." Friday's voice echoed through the room.

Steve looked more torn than you've ever seen him.

"Let's go." You nodded toward the door. "I've got more to say, but you've got somewhere to be."

Slowly, the two of you walked down the hall and entered the elevator.

"I don't know if you'll ever come back-"

"Y/N, really just let me-"

"Steve, please." You begged him to let you get it all out. "I won't ask 'cause that's selfish."

"It's not." He cut in again.

"It is. You deserve to be as happy as possible." With a slow, shaky breath you continued your speech. "I've come to terms I might never feel whole again."

The elevator doors slid open. You followed Steve to the yard where they set up the time machine.

"I'll be broken when you're gone, but I won't hold you back if it's wrong."

"Steve, there you are! Let's go-"

"In a minute, Sam." Steve's eyes never left you, remaining soft and caring. "We can go back inside if you want." He ran his thumbs over your cheeks, ridding them of tears only to be instantly replaced. You've always hated crying in front of people.

"I don't care what people say." You shook your head, ignoring the potential pitying looks you could receive for crying in front of others. Another deep breath, and you continued. "You know I won't force you to stay."

It was your turn to wipe tears from Steve's face.

"If you leave, I'll be okay. Just promise that you won't forget me babe."

"I could never-" He cut in again only to stop when you gave him a pleading look.

"I understand if leaving is what you have to do. I don't want you to go, but I'll be okay, eventually." You let out a watery chuckle, wiping your eyes again.

"Y/N, I never meant for-"

"Steve, you ready?" Sam interrupted again.

"It's fine. You can go." You did your best to hold back any lingering tears. You had to physically turn Steve around yourself and push him towards the machine.

"Y/N, please, I can't-"

"Steve, they're waiting for you. It's okay, I promise." He finally started to walk away only to pause when you called out one more thing. "Oh, Steve?"

"Yeah?" He wore a solemn smile.

"I'll love you always."

You watched as he listened to Banner's instructions and bid farewell to Sam and Bucky. The bitter part of you wondered if Sam knew.

A strangled sob left your mouth as soon as Steve disappeared. All three men standing around the machine looked your way, Sam and Bucky running toward you to help.

"He should be back any second. It's fine!" Sam desperately tried to console you, but you knew it wouldn't work.

"Y/N. Y/N! Listen to me. Did Steve talk to you?" Bucky asked, ignoring Sam's bewildered expression.

You nodded pitifully.

"Did he explain-" You cut him off.

"He- he didn't ha-have time.: You stuttered as you tried desperately to gulp in air through the tears. "I did most of the talking. I needed him to know it was okay."

"To know what was okay?" Sam asked, still clearly confused.

The thought of explaining it only broke you down more. You would have fallen to the ground if not for Bucky catching you. Your body leaned into his.

"Doll..." Bucky shook his head. "You should have let him explain."

You choked on another sob just thinking about it.

"Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay." Bucky whispered in your ear, ignoring Sam's confused glares.

"Y/N..." The sound of Steve's voice echoed in your ears causing another painful sob to jolt through your body.

"Baby, please look at me."

You genuinely thought you were hallucinating when you opened your eyes to see Steve towering over you.

"Steve?" Your voice was barely a whisper.

"It's me, I'm here." He gently took you from Bucky's arms, cradling you close to him but leaning his head far enough away for you to look into your eyes.

"You came back..." Your tears slowed, gently falling down your cheeks as you stared at him wide-eyed.

"I was never planning to leave." He spoke while gently stroking your hair.

"B-but, you were talking to Bucky about going back?" Your tears gave way to confusion as you glanced between him and Bucky.

"Just to say goodbye." He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, breathing in your scent. "I just thought she deserved a real goodbye."

New tears pooled in your eyes as you took in his words. "So, you never wanted to leave me?"

"I could never, and would never, leave you. I love you so much. I just wish I knew why you were holed up in your room sooner." He smiled at you, the same adoring smile he gave you the first time you met.

"I love you too. Always." You leaned into his embrace, relishing in the touch you thought you'd lost forever. He whispered his reply, clinging to you just as much as you were to him.

"Always."

a/n: today I discovered I am truly incapable of writing a sad ending. I just like the idea of escaping to a reality where Steve would never abandon me.

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